#anyway stay tuned i will write more scenes for this. maybe

[monstrsball]

Iwaizumi doesn't know what to think when he finds his boyfriend in the entry way of their apartment, soaked from head to toe and clutching his jacket to his chest.

"I'm home." Suga says with a sheepish grin while he clumsily tries to get his shoes off without using his hands.

“You’re soaked,” Iwaizumi frowns, pushing his wet bangs back out of his face and eyeing the barely noticeable trembling of his shoulders. “Why aren’t you-”

Suga’s jacket meows.

Suga frowns down at the jacket in his arms. “You were supposed to let me do the talking first.” He says lightheartedly, his words are met with another slightly more indignant meow.

“Koushi, we talked about this.” Iwaizumi says.

“It’s raining, Hajime. The poor thing was soaked, I couldn’t just leave her out there.” Suga says, his tone soft. “Can we just keep her here for tonight? Until it stops raining? And then I’ll take her to the shelter.”

Iwaizumi wants to stand firm but his resolve slowly melts away when he looks at the cat again. She’s shivering just as much as Suga, the now soaked jacket likely not helping her keep warm. She’s nuzzling into his chest in search of warmth and it tugs at Iwaizumi’s heartstrings. 

He glances back at the door to the balcony. Still raining. 

���Okay,” Iwaizumi relents. “She can stay for tonight. Until it stops raining.” 

He has a nagging feeling that ‘for tonight’ is going to turn into indefinitely but the pure joy lighting up Suga’s face distracts him from this fleeting thought. 

“Yeah, yeah. You need to get out of those clothes.” Iwaizumi reaches out to take the cat from Suga’s arms. She's oddly compliant for a stray. “I’ll dry her off and get her some food and water. I think we have some canned tuna in the cabinet.”

“Ooh,” Suga whistles, gently depositing the little tabby into Iwaizumi’s open arms. “You hear that, baby? He’s spoiling you.” He coos. 

“It’s the only thing we have,” Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, readjusting his grip once he has the cat safely in his arms. She nuzzles into the newfound warmth immediately.

[pedroscurls]

in every lifetime (pt. 3)

summary: as you're both standing in the hallway, all logan can think about is the version of you in his universe. pairing: logan howlett x fem!reader word count: 2.4k tags / warnings: angst - post deadpool & wolverine ("worst" logan!variant), brief appearance of wade, logan dreams about his universe's version of you (in italics), no use of y/n. a/n: wanted to write a chapter where it's solely logan's POV. i hope i captured the essence of his character (still pretty new on writing for him!). also pulled some inspo from the scene in prisoners where keller is sitting in the passenger seat of loki's car - ugh that scene gets me everytime! anyway, hope you all enjoyed bc my heart was breaking when listening to the song while writing... hehe stay tuned for more angst 😅 song: lost without you by freya ridings prev. part - next part.

Logan’s hand drops to his side as his eyes search yours. The sudden sense of familiarity stares right back at him, and he feels his heart swell with excitement, but breaks at the memory that nags in the back of his mind. Tears are pooling at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over. The chatter and laughter coming from the living room fades into the background as the only thing he can focus on is you. 

He’d be fooling himself if he thought this was his second chance with you. A second chance at making things right. Logan never got what he wanted and even when he got a glimpse of it, it was taken from him. He can’t lose you again and he knows that it’s going to hurt, knows that he’s going to break your heart (and his), but he knows that it’s better this way. You are better off without him. 

“I don’t know if I can do this,” he whispers, voice shaky. “You– You deserve someone better than me, than what I can give you.” Logan feels his heart break all over again at the sight of you – the way your lower lip trembles as a tear slides down your cheek – because he knows that you’ve heard this before. If your Logan was anything like him, then he knows that you’re used to this. Used to him deciding what’s best for you because he had done this same thing to the version of you in his universe. 

And the same look that you had in his other world is the same look you’re giving him now. Silently pleading with him that he is what you deserve because there’s no one better than him. In your eyes, Logan was (and will always be) the only man for you. 

Logan can sense your urge to reach out to him, to touch him, but he doesn’t let you because he knows that if you do, he’d fall deeper… and deeper until there’s no way out. And he doesn’t deserve that, doesn’t deserve you. So, he takes a step back, trying to create some distance between the both of you but he can’t ignore the way he feels a pull towards you, like there’s an invisible string tying your souls together. 

“You died in my arms,” he continues, eyes gazing into yours. “You died because of me, do you get that?” Logan’s hands curl into fists, his claws threatening to come out. “Everyone I love dies, bub. I can’t–”

“I can’t just continue living my life when I know that you are here, in this world,” your voice trembles and you bring your hand up to wipe your tears away. “I’m not her,” you repeat. “And I know you’re not him, but maybe–”

“No,” Logan interrupts you. “I won’t ever be the Logan you want me to be.” 

“I don’t want you to be anyone but you, Logan.”

Logan shakes his head, blinking away the tears as a couple trickles down the side of his cheek. “No,” he repeats. “I can’t lose you again,” he whispers. “You called out for me and I failed you. What happens if I fail you again in this universe?” 

You have no words. You just stare at him, your fingertips yearning to reach out to him, to touch him, to get him to see what you see. This version of him is much more closed off than your Logan and while you know that each man has their own fair share of trauma, the one standing in front of you cannot overlook the fact that you had died because of him. 

“You deserve to live a life–”

“I haven’t been living since I lost my Logan,” you interject. “Seeing you– I know that you aren’t the same man that I lost all those years ago, but…” you take a deep and shaky breath. “But I can’t help the way I feel, Logan. I think you know that because you feel it too.”

“Don’t matter if I do,” he replies. 

“Yes, it does. Don’t you want to be happy?” 

“A man like me don’t get to be happy,” Logan answers. He goes to turn on his heel, but you reach out for his wrist. Your touch alone sends shockwaves through him and he turns around to look at you. Your hand lingers before it drops back to your side and Logan’s gaze never leaves you. 

“You will never be my Logan. I know that,” you mumble. “But I don’t want you to be the same man. I just want you.” 

“Sometimes we don’t get what we want, bub.” 

“So, we’re just supposed to act like we don’t know each other? Act like there’s nothing between us and–”

“Exactly. I stay out of your way and you stay out of mine.” 

You stare at him and Logan breaks your gaze to look down at the floorboards, his hands still clenched into fists. He thinks you’re going to say something, to try and talk him out of it, so when he hears you begin walking away, he lifts his eyes to see your back turned as you leave him standing – alone – in the hallway. 

It’s only at that moment that his claws come out as he huffs under his breath. Logan feels a twist in the pit of his stomach, his heart breaking at the sight of you walking away from him. That was one thing different about you and the version of you in his universe. 

Here, you were tired. Exhausted. Fed up. And you couldn’t take it anymore. 

In his universe, you fought for him until you couldn’t anymore. Until your last breath. 

Logan remains standing in the hallway, his heightened senses solely focused and zeroed in on you as he hears you mutter to Laura that it’s time to go. Only he would notice the sadness in your tone, the tremble in your voice, but you do your best to hide it from the younger girl. It isn’t until he hears the door shut that he goes back into his room, slamming his own door in frustration. 

—

A few hours pass and Logan hears a knock at his door. He’s already gone through his case of beer and a bottle of whiskey and he needs more, needs to numb the pain that can’t seem to go away. While he can’t shake the memory of you dying in his arms, he also can’t ignore the way his heart is calling out this world’s version of you. 

“Ain’t in the mood,” he calls out, a slight slur to his voice. 

The knocks persist until Logan stands up to open the door. When he sees Wade on the other side, he lets out a sigh and tries to close the door in his face. Wade shakes his head and puts his foot against the door, looking in Logan’s direction. 

“We’re talking,” Wade says, pushing Logan back into his room. 

“Don’t wanna talk.”

“Yeah, well, I think you need to, Peanut.” 

“Ain’t your business,” Logan mutters. “Besides, I was just about to leave.” 

“To get more alcohol?”

“What’s it to you, hm?” Logan threatens, pressing a finger against Wade’s chest. “Last I checked, I didn’t even want to be here.” 

“Tough shit,” Wade replies. “You’re here now and you need to make the most of it.”

“I don’t need to do anything.”

“What did you both talk about?” Wade asks, changing the subject. “You both were talking for a bit before she just abruptly left with Laura. So, what happened?”

“Told her what she needed to hear,” Logan growls. “Ain’t my fault she didn’t like it.”

“You really like to make shit difficult, don’t you?” Wade says with a laugh. “You know, I think this world’s version of Logan liked to make things difficult too. Is that a thing with you Wolverines, hm? Can’t see a good thing when it’s right in front of you?” 

Logan curls his hands into fists, his claws slowly coming out. 

“Oh, it’s taking a while to get going, huh? I hear that happens when you age–”

Logan slams his fist into Wade’s jaw with a low growl. “Do you ever shut the fuck up?” 

Wade grunts, rubbing his jaw as he looks at the older man. “Never,” he grins. “Now, I’m gonna let that one slide because you’re going through something, but–”

Logan throws another punch in Wade’s direction, but Wade easily dodges it which causes Logan to stumble forwards. 

“Careful there, Peanut,” he chuckles. “Listen, I didn’t come in here to get you riled up–”

“Sure as hell seems like it,” Logan mumbles. 

“That woman,” Wade begins. “Is your person, Logan. I’m sure in every universe, there’s a version of you and a version of her who love each other.”

Logan looks over at Wade, jaw tight and hands still curled into fists.

I will love you in every lifetime. 

In every universe and in every lifetime, I’m yours. 

“She’s just going to get hurt,” Logan admits. “And it’s going to be because of me.” 

Wade shrugs. “That’s a possibility.” 

Logan glares. 

“But you’re already hurting her, Logan.”

“She’ll get over it.”

Wade scoffs. “Her Logan died so long ago. Did she get over that?” 

“That’s different.”

“It’s not.”

“I’m not him,” Logan says. “I won’t ever be him.”

“She doesn’t want you to be him,” Wade sighs. 

“She died because of me, Wade,” Logan mumbles. “Took her last breath in my arms because I wasn’t there and every day–” his voice catches in his throat. “Every day I hear her voice, calling out to me. Every. Day! I have to live with that. Not you. Not her. Me!” 

“But, she loves you…”

“And I love her,” Logan admits, tears trickling down his cheeks. “But I can’t– How can I be happy when there’s a version of her out there that’s dead because of me?” 

“Maybe she’s the reason you start to heal,” Wade answers. “And maybe… Maybe the version of her in your universe would want you to be happy, Logan.”

Logan shakes his head. He knows that Wade has a valid point. You had always wanted him to be happy. Even when Logan had pushed you away in his universe, you still wanted the best for him. You had every right to be upset and frustrated with him, but instead, you loved him from afar and he felt every ounce of your love even if he didn’t deserve it. 

“You should leave now,” Logan replies. “I don’t wanna talk about this shit.” 

“This is your chance to live a life you always wanted, Logan,” Wade says seriously. “Everyone of us deserves that, even you.” 

“I ain’t everyone, Wade.” Logan mutters. 

—

Logan finally manages to pass out once Wade leaves his room. Behind closed lids, all he can see is you. His universe’s version of you. 

You’re wearing a white dress and there’s a glow around you and still, you’re smiling at him. Logan’s lying on his side and you’re across from him, hand reaching out to touch his cheek. Logan lets out a sigh, bringing his own hand to touch your wrist and it feels so real. You feel so real. 

“Hi, baby,” you whisper. 

“Y– You’re real?” 

“As real as I can be,” you giggle. Logan feels his heart swell at the sound and he leans forward, resting his forehead against yours. 

“Can you stay?”

“Not for long.”

“Can I come with you?”

“No, baby,” you say sadly. “Not yet.”

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out, tears stinging his eyes. “I should have– I should have been there. I should have fought alongside all of you and–”

“Hey, hey…” you brush the pad of your thumb across his cheek, feeling his tears trickle down. “We don’t blame you, Logan.”

“You called out to me, baby,” Logan’s voice trembles. “You died in my arms. You– All I can hear is you.”

“I know,” you whisper. “I wish I can take it away for you.” 

“I shouldn’t have ever pushed you away. I loved you so much.”

“I know,” you repeat. “I never questioned it.”

“Then, why did you let me push you away?” 

“Because,” you say softly. “I wanted you happy and if that meant pushing me away, then…”

“But I hurt you.”

“You did,” you nod. “But I never questioned your love for me, that’s the difference.” 

Logan slowly wraps his arms around you, burying his face against the side of your neck. “I want to stay. I’ve been lost without you.” 

“You can’t stay, baby,” you tell him, running your hands through his hair. “There’s still a lot of life for you to live, people to save, someone to love…”

He shakes his head as he feels his entire body tremble against you, an overwhelming flood of emotions washing over him. “She isn’t you…”

“And you’re not her Logan, so what?” you answer. “I told you I would love you in every lifetime, Logan…” 

“I can’t–”

“You can,” you whisper, pulling back to look into his eyes. “You deserve to be happy, Logan. You deserve to be loved, baby.” you lightly peck his lips as your hand drops from his cheek. 

Logan suddenly gasps awake, looking around the darkened room. He tries to search for you, eyes scanning rapidly until his gaze settles on the empty side of the bed. 

“You deserve to be happy, Logan. You deserve to be loved.” 

He sits up on the edge of the mattress, head in his hands as your voice echoes in his mind. You felt so real, looked so real. It had been a long time since you had visited his dreams. 

“You deserve to be happy, Logan. You deserve to be loved.” 

Logan looks at the time and stands from the bed, pulling on his leather jacket. He walks across the hallway and knocks on Wade’s door. It takes the other man a few minutes to get up, rubbing his eyes. When he opens the door to see Logan standing on the other side, fully dressed, he furrows a brow. 

“You know what time it is, Peanut?” 

“What’s her address?” 

“Whose?”

Logan grunts. “You know who.”

Wade suddenly begins to grin, scrambling back into his bedroom to grab his phone. He writes down your phone number and your address before handing the piece of paper to Logan. 

“Go get her, Peanut.” 

---

taglist: @its-in-the-woods @mynatureworld @wadewnstonwilson

[stancestanomaly]

Horse Riding lesson! 🐴

Wrote a short scene for this cause my mind wouldn't stop replaying it over and over while I worked this.

-

Struggling against the rag that bound his hands behind his back, he tried to ignore the chuckle from the man who put him in this position. "Stanley! Y'know this was not what I was referring to when I asked for your assistance when learning to ride a horse!"

"Aww, sug'r~" Stan's throaty purr sent a wave of heat up Ford's spine. "This is gonna help ya, you hafta learn to stay on yer mount if ya gonna be ridin' it."

"Then why must I be in your lap, instead of practicing on an actual horse? And why do you insist on chewing on that?"

"Becuz darlin' it's like chewing gum in a way." Stan pinched the wheat between his teeth. "And the last time you tried to ride a horse, you ended up in the horse's trough. Remember?"

"Don't remind me," Ford groaned as another chuckle tumbled from his brother. "But I don't see how your argument counters, the fact that I can't practice on a real horse."

"N' all honesty, I'm all the practice yur gonna need. Y'know I got all the horsepower." He ran his hands up Ford's thighs as he moved to give his butt a squeeze. "I mean, I know yur buns do~"

"St-Stanely," Ford gritted his teeth, as blood rushed across his face.

"Wha? Ain't like I'm lyin', I can still hear yur pretty voice singin' my name as we fucked n' the barn." Caressing his twin's sides as the memory replayed.

"And I still remember all the prude language that left your mouth too," Ford grumbled at the strong hands that danced along his trunk and ushered forth another wave of satisfying warmth.

"N' I still remember how disheveled yur hair was while your face was redder than that time ma got mad at us for playin' in mud after she just washed our clothes."

"I also remember dad chasing us because they were our good clothes too," he smiled as the sound of Stan's laughter rang in the air, like music to his ears. He listened to the tune a little longer before he cleared his throat. "So about my lesson, are you gonna help me or not?"

"Sure am darlin'," Stan spat out the wheat before he leaned up to capture his brother's lips. Stan strummed Ford's cords, drawing out lustful melodic moans as he stuck his tongue into Ford's mouth. Joining in on the song libidinous desires. He bucked his hips to usher out another chorus of bubbling lust between them.

Pausing their record, Stan drew back to get a look at Ford as he panted through closed eyes with a cherry-red bridge stretching across his face. Admiring how the sunset streaming through the widow panted his brother's features.

"I say we take this to the bedroom," Stan purred, tightening his hold on his brother. He stood up from the couch, tossing his brother over his shoulder. "Alrighty cowboy, let's go give ya that lesson~" Smacking his brother's butt as he sauntered to their room.

"St-Stanley, w-wait, this isn't what I was referring to!" He squirmed, as he was carried out of the den, up the stairs, and down the hall toward their room.

"Stanleeeyyy!" Ford shouted as the bedroom door was shut and locked behind them.

-

Had a ton of fun writing that, lol. This is my second time drawing ranch life/cowboy 30!stans. (Honestly, I should draw them more often. Because Stan's with that hair is doing something for me🥵.) The first time I drew them was two years ago for another set of Halloween stancest drawings I did. The drawings. I had liked this au idea so much that I wrote a fic about it but never actually finished it😅 So maybe I'll do that sometime soon... Anyway, have some ranch life stancest! 🧡🤎

[boltgsr]

when you're a human who wound up working as a cleaning guy for an anthro dragon but have to stay disguised by taking anthro dragon tf potion

The days turned to weeks, the weeks to months. Bit by bit the hoard shrank away. I was becoming a familiar face at junk dealers down in the undercity. Some of the stuff your grandfather had taken over the years had real value: faded jewelry that just needed a polish, heirloom clocks that would tick like new once they’d been through a tune. Clothes fared less well. Everyone still living here could make use of good clothes, but even the poorest among us has no use for shirts that have rotted away to almost nothing. Sometimes I had to slide a few coins over to get a dealer to take the worst of what you had. It was either that or dump it in the river and let it be swept away, and my bleeding heart couldn’t quite stomach dumping what was left of some granny’s wedding dress into the muck. This way at least maybe someday her grandkid would walk in and recognize it - or maybe it wound up in the river anyway. I didn’t ask. What fascinated me most about the work were the bits and pieces from non-humans. Your grandfather had been an equal-opportunity loan shark, if nothing else: pouring through the piles I found fine silk tassels designed to be tied across tails, bejeweled combs bigger than my hand for tending to lycan fur. In one corner I found a thin wooden tube with belts nailed up and down it, with odd branches spinning off covered countless oval-shaped metallic leaves. I hadn’t the faintest idea what it was until I tried to hawk it to a very human trader down near the river. What, he asked, did I think he was going to do with a prosthetic avian wing? I didn’t have an answer. And when it came to draconic furniture and accessories, well, those were the nights I had to watch my step. More than once you caught me about to haul away some piece of furniture I couldn’t make hide nor hair of and stopped me before I could get outside, insisting you could find a place for it here. There was that pair of wooden, circular tables, with faded, thin pillows atop them that we hauled up to one of the balconies, afraid to ask what was going on, until on the way out I looked up and saw you curled up on one, looking as pleased as a peach. Basking circles, I later learned they were called. Another night, while you were deep in some tome, I snuck out and hesitantly climbed up on one, letting my still-strange spine curl in a way that felt natural and settling down on all four paws. It was a warm night, and as I wrapped my tail around me I felt a hesitant purr bubble up in my throat. Embarrassed, I clambered off and got back to work.

still plugging away at this story, but i wanted to do the writing equivalent of sharing a wip sketch and post a few paragraphs. it's about 31000 words at the moment, still got a few more scenes to write. then the editing starts. yes the dragons are gay in it

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

S3 last eps fix - 3B predictions

As I anticipated the last eps of the season were the most "shippers", even though they were far from what we woulda wished them to be.

And that is why they were the longest, because the meat of the season was there.

The day of the premiere I skipped straight to ep 10 before watching the whole thing and saw the Funeral dinner which I didn't know was a Funeral service at the time, saw Carmy crying and then Syd's panic attack, then I saw the fucking last scene and was left feeling that it was all about S4, without even knowing S3 part B was a thing.

Now, after having watched S3 fully, done a partial re-watch and multiple analyses of the pivotal scenes, and finding out about 3B, I can safely say that Syd is not going anywhere and will sign The Bear's agreement. We will not see much more of Shapiro going forward although I would love to see Carmy ripping his head off for trying to poach Syd and I'd love Syd to see that and appreciate it for what it is, not just possessiveness, but also love. Anyway, that will not solve our problems in 3B, nor will it ensure a Sydcarmy development right away.

I still feel S4 is Sydcarmy territory, as I always thought but now I can foresee us actually getting "joy" in 3B, just like JAW said in an interview. We will have another under-the-table vibe kinda moment. That's for sure. We will have what they deprived us of, a hopeful cliffhanger.

The reason is that Shapiro is the wild card and S3 was the sleight of hand of the whole arc of the show as Storer told us repeatedly throughout S3.

Not 100% sure yet when 3B will be released, I hope that by March 2025. Anyway, whenever they decide to do it, those were supposed to be the last eps of S3, not the ones we saw that left us feeling so off.

I have no idea why they decided to go about it this way because even if they tried to make it longer, this was not the way. I still have the strong feeling that the main issues were writing and edition this time around, although I don't understand why, as they even had more time to shoot the same amount of eps they usually shoot in 3 months.

The wedding scene was not included in 3A, so we will see that, which is obviously gonna be Tiff's wedding and we will also get a real reconciliation between Carm and Richie, maybe at the wedding or right after...

These events will cement what from now on I will be calling: TEAM SYDCARMY FOR THE GOLD (TSFTG), that is Syd+Carmy+Richie+Nat+Pete+Jimmy

THOSE ARE THE CHARACTERS THAT WILL MAKE THE SYDCARMY PLOT MOVE FORWARD FROM NOW ON.

And the other team that I haven't named yet, is gonna be: Luca+Claire+TheFaks

Donna is a mystery to me, but she's in a redemption arc, so I will wait it out. I'm pretty sure she will not be TSFTG right away but will eventually embrace that endgame. What I can't put my finger on yet is: is she gonna be on the same team as Claire? I hope not, but I wouldn't be surprised. Let's see...

Ultimately what matters is that when we actually get to see those last eps that shoulda belonged to this season we just watched, we will see that Sydcarmy element we feel this one lacked and this bitter aftertaste will go away.

Stay tuned, I'm still working on it but I haven't really dived in some stuff yet, just the main ones.

Looking forward to getting your feedback on these topics, maybe it will help me figure out some more stuff.

[beyondthegame]

Update 4. — 22nd November 2023.

I haven't posted on here in a while but I promise I am writing. Right after I had to battle a cold and couldn't even function on one of the days in the past week, all whilst tackling university in November because it's exam season and I chose a difficult degree...

Anyway, even though it took longer than I wanted to I finished E's first scene. I wrote up their first set of flirt options and they were very fun to write. I think the setting that they and the mc were in was pretty cool too.

The mc's customisation options are coming in too, so far I've written up the skin tone and height options. Also, I've written up the bit where the mc is able to choose their position on the pitch; as mentioned in the intro post: goalkeeper, defender, midfielder, or striker.

Anndd, I've started writing up the mc's first press conference. I feel, up until this point, writing wasn't as fun and imposter syndrome set in. But now, with the press conference and being able to showcase the mc's various personality options a little more makes it enjoyable...especially when you end up talking to difficult journalists who try to rattle you :)

The demo so far, and this chapter as a whole, is soo much bigger than I anticipated it would be. I'm at the word count that I expected the whole demo to be at, and we're still not halfway through writing.

That said, I really wanted this demo out in November but I feel the only way I could do that is to burn myself out, not revise for my exams, stay up at stupid o'clock and make myself ill again...which I don't want. So, maybe not a November release, but I don't think it'll be the end of December either—maybe in the first two weeks, so still not a long wait.

When this demo is out, I'm hoping it'll be a super fun read and worth the wait. I do keep promising that the wait won't be much longer and I'm really pushing for that, so stay tuned.

PLANS

Finish press conference scene.

Finish chapter one.

WORD COUNT

40.0k (9.5k)

[hayatheauthor]

Update Regarding My Sudden Hiatus + Author/Publishing News

Guess who's back from the dead!

Jokes aside, I truly do feel terrible for going on hiatus without saying anything, and then I come back and see that I've hit 2k (which btw is absolutely amazing and left me shell-shocked) and that just made me feel worse for leaving unannounced. So, here's everything that's been going on:

(click read more if you want to learn about my experience at my first writer's workshop & pitching to an agent ++ publishing updates for The Traitor's Throne)

If you DON'T want to read more: long story short I'm back and will revamp this blog Monday onwards.

Would you look at that I'm finally getting the hang of Tumblr etiquette!

Anyways, I know if I took the liberty of casually explaining everything we would just be here all day and I would ramble endlessly SO, I'm going to summarise everything into a list:

One of the biggest reasons for my departure was because *insert drum roll* I graduated! That's right, your girl is officially a diploma holder and ready to conquer college! Although I've seen the 'finals week or my final week' meme enough times to start questioning what I signed up for.

My writing life has been a little...disappointing. There's no other way to break it to you folks, but when I started this blog, I was knee-deep in the query trenches, and now, I'm still there. Does that suck? Yes. Am I going to give up? Absolutely not! BUT I do have some changes planned:

I've officially decided if this final shot at traditional publishing doesn't do well, I'm going to give in and self-publish The Traitor's Throne in May-June 2024. Which means you might potentially be able to purchase my baby pretty soon!

BUT I decided to give querying one last shot and actually joined a writer's workshop (which is going on as we speak btw). I joined the online Boston Writing Workshop, I'll drop a review on that on Sunday, but so far I've actually learned A LOT from it, and have decided to give querying another go while implementing what I've learned. Dw I'll also be putting out a review about the workshop on Sunday.

So, here's a summary: I've created a self-publishing deadline for my current project while also giving traditional publishing a final shot. I also joined my first ever writer's workshop this weekend and will be pitching to agents for the first time.

Overall, I think my lack of success in the querying scene kind of made me feel like a fraud when giving writing advice. I'm the type of author who does A LOT of research when I write, which is why I have so many tips on so many topics, but that doesn't make me an expert.

This workshop especially made me realise I've been making some rookie mistakes and focused so much on my story that I forgot the query and synopsis are just as important. Maybe this realisation came too late and I've lost my chance of traditionally publishing The Traitor's Throne, but I am grateful for everything it's taught me.

ANYWAYS—see what I meant by we'd be here the whole day if I didn't use a list??

Let's get back to the important stuff; yes, I will start putting out blogs again, and answering my asks. I'm also thinking of launching a beta reader project where I'll beta read some of your works for free! Stay tuned to see that announcement since it'll come soon.

Thank you so much for supporting this silly little blog of mine, and I hope you have a good weekend! As always, I'll see you on Monday! 💕✨

[boldlyexplorational]

Episode 29 "Kirk's worst day ever" "operation: annihilate!"

Here we go, last episode! Peculiar choice for a finale, maybe COTEOF would have been a better choice, if maybe more depressing. But I guess there was a different concept of season finale back then, episodes needed to be stand alone first and foremost.

As a SNW watcher I was really sad about Sam. Poor guy, I didn't deserve that. It's always so sad when you know how a character is going to end up.

The opening was flawless, with McCoy revealing how Kirk's family is on the infected planet. I also love how it's implied that Kirk just did not answer that question and ignored Bones until later to tell him "yeah you were right". That was kinda funny, except for the tragedy of course.

It looked like the episode was filmed in a real place with modern architecture for the time, which I love and it looked cool. The alien parasites also were cool and gross and had clever effects. I'm a sucker for practical effects so I'm biased.

It's a real bad day for Kirk, isn't it? When the wife also died I was like "that's too much", but then when Spock got infected... My headcanon is that he did take a crying break in his quarters. He has the emotional intelligence to know he needed it. But of course you can't show the captain crying.

There's this one moment when Kirk is super impressed with how Spock is resisting the pain of the infection. Kirk decides to compliment Spock in the most effectively flirty way possible: saying that his logic is impeccable. And Spock makes a face like "that was hot, but not now captain, I'm busy fighting to stay alive".

Kirk was SO MAD at bones when he blinded Spock! So mad! He sort of cooled off after, but in the moment I thought he was going to slap bones. Or rather to the signature full body yeet at him.

Shout out to Chapel who shined in this episode, I love that she's such a tough woman!

One last thing I will say, the only thing I didn't really like in the episode: they kept amping the stakes, on and on. They made it personal for Kirk, though there was no need for it (Kirk would have helped anyway). They made the wife die to... Fine , ok I'm concerned now. They made a big deal about the kid... And now SPOCK IS INFECTED! Ok that's A LOT. He's cured, but he's BLIND NOW! I can't take it anymore. Then the episode ends, all is well, everyone's ok, NO MENTION OF WHAT HAPPENS TO KIRK'S ORPHANED NEPHEW. I'm sure they had no money for an extra scene with a child actor, but at least throw a line in there or something. I don't know, I don't mind surreal high stakes but I do hate feeling like I was led on and made feel tense and worried ... For nothing. Like a trap. I know ST writing can be better than this, so I was disappointed.

And it's not the first time they do this too, and I know it also may be because viewers tuning in mid episode needed new stakes to be engaged in the story ... But that doesn't mean you have to escalate at that rate and then diffuse with no consequence.

[josephtrohman]

sorry if you’ve been asked this before, would you be willing to spare some joetrick fic recs? i’m getting super back into them and the bandom so wanted to jump back in with some recs maybe!! (do you still prefer top joe? do you have any toppy patrick? if thats not your bag i don’t mind i’ll honesty take anything you think is well written atp 😁 ty!!!)

i’m sorry it’s taken me a couple days to answer this anon!!! finals got me both tweaking and sleep deprived at the same time somehow. also tho let it be known there is nothing to be sorry for at allllll omg, and there Never is, imagine my inbox as a safe warm place where i’m always here for ANYTHING. anyways, i have answered some joetrick fic recs earlier, here is the link to that post which has my crème de la crème joetrick fics, but i always have more in my back pocket!!! start with that other post’s list tho first for sure!!!! just bc they are THEE BEST. ok gonna put the rest under a break here (including my answers to ur question LOLL) :3

i truthfully have mellowed out when it comes to top/bottom preferences lol (i wonder if ur an og follower and saw my ask from like 2016 that i may have answered more intensely about preferring top joe and oh god the 'bottom patrick network' i was in way back when networks were a thing HDKDJDKDJSJ). i actually really enjoy top patrick/bottom joe in this day and age but there is like. none still. so i dont have much to offer u 💔 but im working on something and so is a fobtwt friend of mine so keep ur eyes peeled!!!

i combed my archive and found u my (very) slim pickings for toppy patrick. which imo is a disgrace and i Have contributed to this pattern of mostly bottom patrick w my fics BUT i hope to change this fact as i have a wip that’s just pwp top patrick/bottom joe maybe coming in the next several months LOLLLL (also my fobtwt friend as i mentioned). but i’ll start with the closest things i can find. i’m gonna break it down with the kind of adjacent to ur request fics First and then give a few more recs after :)

an exploration of the bounds of venus by disloyalorder. this might be the only top patrick pure joetrick smut on ao3 (that i found well-written enough to save at least <3). it’s got a heavy dose of mommy kink/mommy dom stuff so i guess if that’s not ur thing then u really will have to stay tuned for my fic ;) haha

wasted summer by terriblewritings. shoutout to the author for dropping it in my inbox!!! it has the mommy kink too and a liiiiiiittle talk of weight just in an appreciative way idk but a warning; it’s toppy patrick in the sense of dom patrick bc there’s no penetration, but it’s rly good!!! author says there might be more coming too ;3

token by gigantic. this one i found on total accident, i had been digging around on this user’s livejournal because they have two PHENOMENAL wentzman fics up (if u want those recs too lmk) but basically this one is joe on a gay sex mission lol, it is explicit but ofc when u get to the goods (aka the JOETRICK SCENE) it's all fade-to-black instead 💔 but still SOOOOO good so unbelievably well written!!!

i had it listed it in the other rec ask, but bdsm by heyginger has a brief mention of joe riding patrick (not explicit smut tho lol) AND of patrick tying joe up so it feels on the toppy patrick side for sure :)

also for good measure, though patrick is not toppy to JOE in these ones, there are two jeterick fics that feature patrick topping pete while joe does stuff to them etc just maybe to scratch a similar itch? lay your head down -- and feel the beat and two's company, three's just right both by likeasugarcube.

begging all ao3 writers to PLEASEEE write more top patrick/bottom joe joetrick fics i want to read joe get fucked like he deserves <3 ok anyways

EDITING THIS ASK FROM THREE MONTHS IN THE FUTURE TO SAY i have a top patrick joetrick fic up NAOW anon if you happen to return to this ask again anon. addicted to the way i feel when i think of you by josephtrohman aka yours truly ;3 (AND EDITING AGAIN TO SAY I HAVE A TOP PATRICK PUPPY PLAY JOETRICK FIC)

and now here r some general recs that aren’t toppy patrick related :)

my tongue is my choir by coricomille. patrick is mute (mixon is their vocalist) and it’s a wonderfully written, very sweet fic!!!

capture the phrases by rosiedoesfic. patrick has a secret admirer in the form of anonymous post it notes. so good<3

expensive mistakes by rosiedoesfic. cute little fic about the insta posts in mania era that had very joetricky captions :')

the cure to growing older by rosiedoesfic. a au fic where joe and patrick have been friends since they were little kids, a very cute growing up together type story :)

message in a bottle by bunnytrohman. a sweet lil getting together fic sent during 2ourdust. saur beautiful and the world needs more fics set in the stardust era imo!!!

take a breath (i know what's behind that door) by thesecondshow. joe checks in on/takes care of patrick right after the we liked you better fat post. really really beautifully written <3 (hai mitch if u see this)

your secret's out by the_seventh_avenger. cute lil fic, honestly hard to summarize with a lil blurb without giving everything away but love it so much!!

alpha dog by bunnytrohman. puppy play joetrick. i needn’t say more READ THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

leaving it there bc looking at my bookmark list there aren't like a TON more that i even really could rec so i'll save those for if someone else asks in another 10 months <3 lol love u anon my inbox (and dms!!! if u wanna reveal urself but no pressure) is always open to discuss these fics or ANYTHING too 💖

[drac-onion]

I think LFI is done. I've come up with a summary, a title (what LFI stands for stopped being as relevant during the second draft phase), and given each chapter a name. It's been beta read twice over and the little things have been adjusted. I feel like there's more to be done, but the reality is that there isn't anything else I can do. It's polished to the best of my abilities.

All that's left is to convert it all to HTML and then pick a time to release it.

The shorter thing has to go out first, mostly cuz it's shorter, but also cuz I won't want to post a oneshot while I'm in the middle of putting up a longwork. That'd be a little weird. Also the tonal whiplash would be pretty noticeable.

But who knows? Maybe I'll end up sitting on the shorter stuff for longer just to have something to put up during the inevitable drought between LFI1 and the next thing.

LFI2?

LFI1.5?

Working titles are hard. But I had tons of ideas during the writing process that I wanna work on. And a bunch of oneshots that will find their way down the pipeline eventually. I'm gonna have to make an AO3 series thing at this point, considering they all take place during the same "canon" now. BTM-verse?

Once again, working titles are hard.

Anyway. It's weird. It's just weird. I never thought I'd get this far. It feels like there would never be a time where I wasn't working on it, but I've worked on it and worked on it and asked people what they thought and it's to the point where there's nothing else to do to it. It's as good as it's going to get at this point.

I have to move on.

But man, if it isn't super hard to get into that mindset. It hasn't really hit me yet and probably won't until it's officially up. A little bit of fear has set in, but again, that will likely ramp up as I get closer to posting it.

What if it isn't good?

What if it reads poorly?

What if it's boring?

Effort isn't everything. I could spend a year on a marble sculpture but time+effort doesn't always equal quality.

Creativity is hard.

Hopefully this is the last major update before it goes up. Before the year is up, for sure. Definitely. Maybe. Hopefully?

(Shameless plug) it'll be on my AO3, so go ahead and subscribe if you haven't already. Or I'll have posts on here when the chapters come out. Either or. It's cool, promise. I should also do some promo and actually put up the summary at some point.

You may have noticed that I'm treating this sort of like a content creator would, and that's just because I find the process fun. Building hype, considering a schedule, things like that. Sure, it's in service to nobody because it's not like I'm some big name, but take it till ya make it, right? I'm not doing this for fame, just for fun, but it's fun to treat it like it's bigger and more important than it is.

It'd be more cool and stoic of me to release it without saying anything and pretend I'm so confident in my abilities that I don't care what anyone else thinks, but that wouldn't be genuine. I like seeing behind the scenes, and I think there's a lot involved in the creative process other than the actual creative process. There's a lot of doubt and confusion and hair pulling involved, so if there's someone out there who perceived creators as perfect beings that release stuff, then allow me to show you behind the curtain of the chaos and mess that is all this. It's all for the love of the craft. If I didn't enjoy the writing process so much, I wouldn't even bother. So don't worry. If you're flying by the seat of your pants, trying to figure out how other people write and seem like they know what they're doing, rest assured that I'm here to be an example of someone who's just making it up as they go along. For the love of the craft and enjoyment of the process.

Anyway. That's the end of this little update and ramble.

Stay tuned. Like and subscribe or whatever, etc. idk

[phoebehalliwell]

who would you say is the strongest between the mitchell twins (like. between kat and tamora) and then the strongest between the cupitches (beloveds!!)

(ps. i know if i added henry he'd be the strongest so i had to leave him out don't worry henry i see you king)

kat clears lol. tamora is just very like afraid of her craft i mean her power is violent and very dangerous i mean in the comics she’s the reason their powers are bound kat’s just like along for the ride you know? and i think kat really likes witchiness that is her vibe she doesn’t train a lot but she is naturally really strong as far as range goes (but she does suck at the minutia she really can’t unfreeze only his head you know what i’m saying) but like she can improv a potion come up with a spell on the fly tamora just is not comfortable doing that she needs to write that down first if she’s making a potion she needs a recipe or henry or something she’s just not magic’s not really something she’s comfortable with. when it comes to raw power i’d say they’re p even but like. in actuality in like Life using Magic kat is definitely more powerful

for the cupitches it is pretty balanced they are the most Power Of Three power of three so they stay very closely linked. that being said: parker. pj is very in tune with her craft and her emotions and is a very skilled witch especially with spellwriting, but parker is all about pushing the boundaries she wants to really test what magic can do i mean like with her cupid’s athame like that is. it’s taking things to a whole nother level. i also have been wanting to put in a scene for the longest time of parker training in a boxing ring of sorts (probably more mma style fighting) while blindfolded. i want to show her using her innate skill of premonition to anticipate each attack before it lands, and to maybe be able to land a couple blows herself. like she is the only one with just like. a passive power set. i mean she has beaming which is technically active but like. wyatt chris melinda peyton all have telekinesis, the twins have their powers, pj can levitate and astral projection, and parker just has premonition. i’ve thought about power advancements for her and honestly idk if i ever want to give her an active power bc i just really like how creative she gets in utilizing and like weaponizing the “gentle” powers she has. anyways pj is second place, peyton gets third, bc, yes, while peyton is very technically savvy you know very booksmart she’s more on the studying not the doing so pj just has more skills and also is older and just better at using magic than her baby sister

[destinygoldenstar]

Ninjago: Crystalized Redemption (Calling All Artists)

You guys asked for it.

Yes, I have officially started the work of a full on season rewrite of the final season of Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitsu.

I say 'final' because Dragons Rising is a sequel show. Kind of like the Star Wars sequel trilogy. That doesn't count.

I think we can all agree that an 11 year story we've all grown up with deserves a better conclusion that ties everything together into a grand finale that's entertaining, action packed, heartfelt, and maybe a tear jerker?? (We'll have to see)

I swear there's more cartoons that's endings crash and burn than ones that actually work. (Star Vs, Steven Universe, blah blah other stuff) What is up with that?

In actuality, and this may come as a shock, I don't hate this season as much as everyone else seems to, though I do agree with pretty much all the complaints. I think Secrets of the Forbidden Spinjitsu is a worse season personally. But Crystalized has a lot more requirements to fulfill than that, and is even more disappointing as a result.

And I do have experience with rewrites, as I also rewrote Total Drama Action, which you guys seemed to really like that. So thanks for the confidence.

However, this has far higher stakes than that... my luck.

Anyway, I am currently working on the outline of the rewrite as we speak. It is still going to be 30 episodes, 11 minutes each. However, some episodes will not have the same titles as canon, because from my structure so far, it's not the same as the show.

The rewrite will be posted here, and we will be going episodic once we feel the rewrite is good and ready, so stay tuned.

And here's the purpose of this post:

You know in my TDA rewrite posts where I had some of those bad quality images showcasing a scene?

I'm going to allow fan artists to get a moment to shine and shed some love to the show with this.

And also help with criticisms towards my outlines and drafts of the rewrite, to make this work. Or if you have any crazy ideas for the story you want to suggest.

On a discord, I have a server for artists and potential writing editors.

This is where I'll be posting my outlines for episodes when I get them done, and on that server, artists can draw out the scenes. (Any scene, from the show or a completely new scene I add)

If I think the artwork is good, I'll add it to the post of the episode where viewers can get a great visual of the rewrite, and you will get a shoutout for your Tumblr blog.

This is also a place for said artists to suggest ideas for the narrative or scenes, so I can get a perspective on what people want to see. Criticize my outline or drafts so I can fix that before I officially post the episode, or otherwise.

Any art style will be allowed. You can replicate the show's style, or do your own, I will allow that. I do have some rules with that and it will be said on the discord too: Age appropriate. This is still a kids media. (Very high chance your work won't be on the post if you break that rule) In terms of non-lego artstyles, in the discord we will agree on a certain look for certain characters so that the story is consistent. We're not gonna have one image with massive bulky Cole and another where he's the same side as the others, that's what I'm getting at. We'll decide collectively what works, and I'll have some people make specific character designs as a board for other artists to use.

Also, this is unpaid. This gonna be for fan artists who love the show and want to help me give Ninjago the ending it deserved. And if they just want to get recognized and credited for their work.

What's on the discord stays on the discord and should not be posted on any other platform, unless you go to me first and get permission. We'll see what happens ninja artists.

[trillscienceofficer]

🌈🌿🎀💞💌 - pick and choose if you don't wanna do all!

Thank you so much!!

🌈is there a fic that you worked really fucking hard on that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

Answered here :)

🌿how does creating make you feel?

Ouf, complex question. I've tried not writing at various points in my life, thinking that it was childish, what's the point anyway and it's not as if anything I make is particularly good or relevant... but despite these rationalizations not writing always made life tangibly worse for me. I used to fill notebooks with stories as a teenager, I left word documents full of half-written fic in all the computers I've ever put my hands on, it's just something I do. That said though... putting something on paper is usually a distressing emotional roller-coaster for me. I know this sounds fucking overdramatic for someone who writes silly Star Trek romance fic but it's just the way it is! I oscillate between almost 'manic' episodes of elation to depths of despair previously not known to man, and the difference between them can simply be 'reading an opinion that disagrees on the approach I've taken in the story I'm currently writing'. I love talking to other writers (it's what made me start posting fic publicly in the first place, I want to talk to people with whom I share interests and sensibilities) but if I have the wrong conversation at the wrong time it can make me stop writing for literal months. I probably should work on that and make writing less of a sensitive topic because this is definitely a me problem lol, but I'm also not exactly sure how to put more emotional distance between me and the act of making up a story with characters I love. Something I'm definitely thinking about, nonetheless!

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

I care about these characters so much and the amount of thought I put into them and the relationships between them shows in what I write.

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

Characters for sure, they always come first for me. I care about grammar as well, though this is a complicated subject (how exactly I am proficient in English is a question I'm very afraid to ask, even to my beta readers when I have them). I'm not a big plot person, but I always try to have a central 'conflict' in every story I write, something that helps bring out the differences and similarities between the characters involved. Figurative language is admittedly not among my main concerns, and lately I feel like I should concentrate more on prose, I realize my writing can be too dry sometimes. Worldbuilding is complicated for me... I feel like anything I make up ends up sounding silly, so in general I try to keep things close to canon, or at least close to interpretations of canon that can be recognized.

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

This question kills me because I'm writing the assignment for an exchange right now and I can't really share anything that would make the fic recognizable! But I definitely AM excited about it, as well as a little apprehensive because it's for a fandom and characters I haven't written about before. Stay tuned ;)

fic writer asks

[greensagephase]

Okay, so! Part 14? Amazing oh my god… Am I picking up that Harry might’ve played a roll in some previous parts or am I crazy? Stay tuned. Anyways, AAAA I love these two so much. Even the little hint about Peter looking at them almost like a family. You put so much imagery and psychology into these chapters and I eat it up every fricken time!!!

I was going to ask to possibly make a few suggestions for music to add to the playlist. Obviously music is subjective but like… Hear me out 🥹

Almost (Sweet Music) by Hozier:

So in the case you haven’t listened to this song, absolutely give it a go. It’s about a man slowly falling in love with someone who reminds him of an ex or a past lover(?) and how good it feels to slowly be himself again. Lowkey I relate this song to Y/N because there’s just certain aspects about Miguel in this fic that also align with their universes Peter. Especially the whole staring thing mentioned in this chapter, how Miguel always looks at Y/N like Peter did, and Y/N smiles the same way that they did with Peter about Miguel. These lyrics especially!

The same kind of music

Haunts her bedroom

I’m almost me again

She’s almost you

And

I wouldn’t know where to start

Sweet music playing in the dark

Be still my foolish heart

Don’t ruin this on me

—

Ghost of Chicago by Noah Floersch

So I feel like this one once it’s listened to kinda speaks for itself but it definitely kinda sounds like how I would imagine Miguel would feel falling into this friendship / situationship / relationship. Because it starts off as that slow and staccatoed tempo before building up to tempo and suddenly it’s like he sees this person everywhere, not literally but metaphorically. Being able to associate this person with so many little things in life.

—

Francesa by Hozier

Last one, and currently it’s a bit of a stretch. However, hear me out. This song if you don’t know (and I apologize for explaining so much but I wanna be thorough, I’m sure you’ve listened to Hozier but y’know) Is about a man being so in love that he would endure the struggles in life all over again if he could be with his lover once again, and that their love is so powerful it is not meant for a place like heaven. This to me is a perfect ending song for Miguel x Y/N because! There has been so much of a build up, in this whole process I feel like by the end of it, Miguel would absolutely live the life he was given once more if it meant being with Y/N once more. Every single tragic event would be worth the pain because of the sheer love he would experience in the end.

Anyways I’m done, this is way too long but AAAA I love you and your writing and I just had to yap about it 😭🤍

Hi, Rue!!!! I'm so happy you enjoyed part 14!! 🥹 About Harry… I can't say anything, but I'm seriously loving everyone's thoughts on him, hehe! 🤣 Omg, I'm glad you've mentioned the part where Peter B. looks at Miguel and reader with Mayday!!!!! I WAS HOPING SOMEONE WOULD PICK UP ON THIS!!! For a few seconds, Peter B. definitely saw them as a little family - maybe a potential future 😌- and I just, AHHHH!!! It was one of my favorite scenes to write for sure from part 14!! 😭 I want them together already but I have to control myself!

About the music - Rue, you killed me with these songs suggestions and I LOVE that two of them are Hozier's!! It's actually insane you've suggested songs by him because the other day I was literally thinking about looking into his music to discover new songs for the fic since I know he's recently dropped new music. I'm not a hardcore fan but I enjoy a few of his songs and I LOVE his voice and he seems like a really chill and sweet artist, but anyway, I got very busy last week and never got to it, so this is perfect!!!

I listened to them and can I just say I absolutely LOVE "Almost (Sweet Music)" ?!? This one is def so fitting for Y/N in regards to her past love with Peter and the parallels between him and Miguel, and the way Y/N herself will slowly show these little parallels like smiling at Miguel the way she used to for Peter, too! And then the part,

"I wouldn't know where to start Sweet music playing in the dark Be still my foolish heart Don’t ruin this on me"

This fits both of them so perfectly - I won't say much but you basically put it together based on your thoughts on "Ghost of Chicago" 😭😭 anyway, I LOVE THIS SONG and I've added it to the future songs playlist along with the other two (in my nonpublic personal Spotify account which is just growing longer each day with the new music I find lol) and be assured that they'll show up in the official playlist when the time is right!! 😌

And the last songs!!!! Yes, yes, yes to your thoughts!! I can't wait to use these songs for our future Miguel in which he loses sleep no longer because of nightmares, stress, or overworking, but rather because of matters of the heart and that's all I'm going to say about that!!

Thank you so much for making these song suggestions, Rue!! If you have more, send them my way! I love listening to songs you guys relate to the fic - it's one of my fav things ever seriously!!

I hope you're doing well and thank you for sending this wonderful ask!!! 🤍🫶🏼

[onekisstotakewithme]

Ough you've got me really excited about Clandestine with that lil snippet!! I know you just started it and might not wanna reveal too much, but is there anything in particular you'd like to share about it?

Hi Remy! I did just start it (idk, two days ago? time is fake) but I've been thinking about the concept since last September/October 😅 it's based on a discussion I had with my beta about the queer scene circa the Korean War. Apparently part of said scene, was that gay men would just convene in large groups in hotel rooms. So based on that...

Clandestine (this is the working title) is essentially about Hawk going off to one of these gatherings while he and BJ are on R&R in Tokyo, and BJ needs him for something/gets locked out of their room (and Hawk has a key), walks into said gathering looking for Hawkeye, maybe "saves" him from a guy hitting on him rather aggressively by. well. pretending that Hawk is taken. And then a whole lot of Confusion ensues.

(I don't normally write BJ as a clueless bisexual, but it works for this story so...)

This was supposed to be a one-shot, that just ends after the main events, but then I went "wait, I don't think I can leave it that unresolved" so... I guess stay tuned that it might be more?

Anyway:

As BJ watches, his book forgotten, Hawkeye – still whistling Cole Porter – hooks his finger under the chain of his dog tag and tugs it over his head, leaving the chain to clink against the vanity. “Uh oh, Andy,” BJ comments mildly, trying not to let his concern creep into his voice. “Scoutmaster sees you without your kerchief on, he’s gonna throw you out of the troupe.” “My kerchief is where it always is – safe and sound in my back pocket.” “Hawk-.” “Don’t worry, Beej, it’s a costume party. I’m going as an unlisted man.” “Fine, fine, but your mother and I will worry just the same…”

[tonydaddingham]

im so sorry for the unrelated ramble, but it's actually so helpful for me to type this out, it helps with understanding what my own theories even are when i write other stuff... so thank you!!! please do keep rambling unrelatedly; it's really enjoyable to read. (i say while simultaneously being worried my own rambles are too unrelated/ramble-y or that i'm somehow violating tumblr etiquette by sending such long anon asks. *sighs*)

inspiration did not vibe with me for it BUT another is in the works and is actually shaping up to be a Slap so stay tuned!!! it is a slap :)

personally, i don't believe that that would remove any agency from metatron (same as aziraphale who, for all of his questionable decisions, to my mind hasn't lacked agency) the thing with aziraphale is that he makes decisions - their questionableness aside - based on what he personally believes is right. that's influenced by how he interprets the great/ineffable plan but in the end his own morals win through regardless of how much he might later worry. whereas the metatron is acting fully in accordance with what he thinks the plan is so to allow a bit more room for free will i think he needs to have the end goal set by the plan but use his own judgement how that should be accomplished rather than having a full list of instructions in his head, even if it's imagined. and then his own desires play into that by him using said own judgement to determine that clearly the best way to carry out the plan is by him having absolute power in heaven. like, i'd prefer him to decide that what he did must have been good since he's a) the metatron b) doing it in order to stabilise heaven/bring about armageddon/launch the second coming/etc? not sure i'm articulating this terribly well. and anyway i may just be nitpicking. but that's where i see the difference between him and aziraphale.

would be javert from les misérables. the law is created, in his eyes, to uphold justice (good); when that law is broken, he is compelled to mete out that justice (also good). it's not a perfect analogy perfect maybe not but pretty good. i'd say the metatron's a bit more self serving but since he works for actual god he can also be more deluded about what he's doing. after all. he's a divine instrument. the voice of god. how can anything he does be wrong? if he takes power in the course of carrying out god's plan then that must be part of the plan even if it's not been explicitly written anywhere.

i did some writing around shax a couple of days ago, so in hand with that I'll think on your points a little more, they're excellent ones!!! thanks! meanwhile i'll think about your excellent points about shax and approach connecting the two from the other side. hopefully we might actually meet in the middle and be able to scrap together half a whole clue lol.

i did a little bit of speculation around the BOL and saraqael, especially in relation to the trial scene, a while ago - it's probably in my #book of life and #saraqael meta tags, if you wanted a peruse!!! but the batshit thought essentially was: what saraqael has access to, in that scene, was the BOL, and she operates it on behalf of metatron... and did during the fall, too. i did read it but i'm kinda forgetting the details now so i'll have another look. saraqael is very intriguing and i can't decide whether they're secretly working directly for the metatron or have their own personal secret agenda that's not aligned with heaven - or both. especially if the former were true i don't think it's actually such a batshit thought that they might be the one to operate the book of life? also if we look at the stuff that's happened in canon i'm not sure any of our theories have yet been near unhinged enough. would that mean though that gabriel would have fallen if his punishment had been carried out and that heaven doesn't know how the book works, that the book is multipurpose or that the book was used in conjunction with whatever was done to make the fallen fall? tbh i still haven't even figured out whether gabriel lost his memory because he removed it into the fly or whether the fly was just backup and he lost it because saraqael carried out the wipe. *head in hands* i hate the book of life.

i just find them way more interesting and compelling in a character than the good ones!!! very true that. there's a lot more to say about the 'mostly' than the 'good person' part of 'well he's mostly a good person' isn't there? also phew glad that didn't come across wrong.

and just to clarify - it wasn't my mum, unfortunately!!! ack! my bad. oh well then i guess i just hijacked someone else's mum's theory.

hope that's okay!!! it's great! long winded 'scribble pad' rambles make for excellent reading imo.

however, i think that removes, as we've batted back and forth already and in the bit above, a little bit of agency on AWCW's part. i don't think AWCW chose to fall, of course, but i do think that he asked questions/made decisions, and followed through on them/stood by them, that resulted in his becoming a demon, regardless of whether he fell or was pushed yeah you might be right. takes away too much accountability perhaps? i don't think he was precisely at fault, at least not much, but he was responsible in a way he seems to struggle to face. i've discussed why i think he does and i do greatly empathise with him for that but it's still an issue so taking that away might get a bit too. hmm. characterisation retconny?

so i think that's where, personally, i simply do think that he just didn't get any answers at all this. however writing out that bit in my 'what if he fought for heaven' speculation has made me wonder if that might not also apply for the questions. if they felt so threatened by the questioning that he had to fall for it would he really be allowed to remember what it was he asked? seems like leaving a loose end lying around to me and i don't see heaven doing that. he might not have gotten any answers but if they let him keep the questions there's no guarantee he won't eventually deduce the approximate shape of the answer - looking where the furniture isn't - from whatever knowledge he does have, whatever knowledge he doesn't plus the metatron's/archangels' reaction(s) back when he first started asking. i think the questions alone without any answers could still be more than risky enough to warrant wiping them from his mind. just in case.

because the idea that he could have been scapegoated by his own 'friends' still stands, imo yeah that's pretty much compatible with any theory. also an extremely painful thought. (*points again at that one liked by neil post about what happened to make crowley stop being friends with the other fallen to make it even worse*) as i've said before i feel like something like this could very well be why crowley feels the need to externalise all blame and responsibility for his own fall. because if he's being blamed for inciting the rebellion - it'd hurt more if his supposed friends did it but the concept still applies if it was heaven doing the scapegoating, in my mind - he's not just responsible for everyone else's fall too but for the very concept and existence of hell. yowch.

well, what if that was what was meant to happen to crowley??? same as muriel (we speculate), and same as gabriel, he was initially intended to fall but to a lower rank, with no memories, and instead he legged it? like gabriel did? immediately i can think of multiple reasons as to why i don't think this was the case, but... still interesting to think about. agreed that i don't think this happened: for one why would legging it lead to crowley becoming a demon? that being said also agreed that it's very interesting indeed. if we assume that this was always something heaven could do and not a new development then they would have had that option available to them for dealing with crowley and for some reason decided against it. why?

but let me begin with, pure hypothesis, a rough sequence of events re: the fall: my personal hypothesis would include that i don't think awcw fought - which makes me wonder whether he might have been doing something else relevant during the time - and that somewhere in the questions that led to him getting swept along by lucifer's gang were one or two that would have led to problems had they been answered that caused the metatron to single him out. beyond those expansions i wholeheartedly agree with what you've laid out. exact events of course subject to change depending on the practical aspects of falling but that doesn't really affect things much.

lucifer implicates AWCW for leading him astray, that he was the one asking questions, and now lucifer has been corrupted or something, idk, but metatron decides all of them need to go - and yet perhaps a particularly harsh punishment is in fact due for AWCW hmmm. so my first thought when i started going through your scapgoat tag was that it was heaven blaming crowley/making him blame himself. then you came and said it was the other rebels who were doing the blaming. so now i'm wondering whether it might not have been a joint effort? heaven and (not quite yet) hell collaborating to (attempt to) ruin someone's life would be very in keeping with the show after all. the rebels try to exonerate themselves by pinning the blame on awcw. the metatron needed to do something about him and his 'damn fool questions' with which he was endangering heaven anyway. this is not just the perfect excuse to eliminate him as a threat and the perfect way to ensure he won't realise what really happened. making him bear the weight of all of this is also an excellent way to punish him for going looking for answers the metatron doesn't want him to have. so when the rebels start trying to exonerate themselves the metatron jumps on the opportunity and it becomes an unoffical collaboration to assign to him and make him believe this narrative. maybe his questioning did kickstart it - but having now thought about it longer i'm not so sure it did. from what he says it sounds to me more like lucifer and co approached him when they had already gotten started likely because they knew about his questioning and so he'd go along with their cause - but i'm not sure it really matters anyway. even if he had been the first to question the war still wouldn't really be his doing and i don't think that's the primary motivation behind the metatron's or lucifer and co's behaviour towards him (if all this is actually what happened) and besides. what actually happened is, i would say, less important than what he believes to have happened. hence 'assigning' the narrative. it's not actually all his fault but between the memory wipe and what everyone else is suddenly claiming he ends up thinking that - due to a joint effort to blame/incriminate him from both of the sides.

so yeah, actually, perhaps it is only crowley that doesnt fully remember heaven? that was his own personal punishment, to not remember parts of his time in heaven/the fall? well i think it's pretty obvious by now that i favour this theory lol. i get major 'this is personal' vibes from the metatron towards crowley in the final fifteen which leads me to believe awcw was somehow for some reason singled out by him. so it would make sense to me if he was also singled out in terms of having his memory wiped especially since we don't seem to get any indicators that other demons can't remember. i think it might be as much a security measure as a punishment. both in terms of erasing whatever he was asking that was coming too close to some secret or other and in terms of hopefully he'll be burned so badly he won't question things ever again and heaven's/metatron's secrets are safe. (aside: and as a punishment it's truly horrifying if you think about it. especially since - going from the whole 'i know' conversation with gabriel - he knows that stuff was taken from him and he's hurt himself in the process of remembering and he knows he's still missing things but he doesn't know how much he's missing or how significant those things might be.) hang on. the line that just keeps on giving: if it happens twice it's an institutional problem. there can only be one demon who warranted extra punishment and/or extra precautions because otherwise there's a deeper issue which there isn't? (you know after all this there better be some kind of twist or backstory to the fall. can you imagine if we'd spent all this time theorising only for it to turn out that there was in fact nothing more to it? i'd be so frustrated lol.)

the thing is... in leviticus, there were two goats - sacrificial goat, and the scapegoat. so this is where, i - in equal conviction which is, to say, shaky at best - also personally hold the thought that AWCW might never have been the scapegoat, and instead aziraphale* potentially was - leaving AWCW to be the sacrificial. on the one hand yes on the other hand not really sure how that would work. like i can follow the allegory but i'm not sure how that would map onto the story? i am very fond of the idea of juxtaposing aziraphale and crowley - wait a moment. absolutely wild thought bear with me. so if we go with awcw fought for heaven for a moment again, what if aziraphale fought for hell but then he doesn't fall and instead awcw does? do i think this has any chance of having been what happened? no. do i know where i'm going with this? certainly not. did i need to have said it regardless? yes.

and the fact he wears his on his opposite hand to the others, and constantly covers it, feels very indicative of some unseen backstory sign me up for mysterious unseen backstories! but archangel aziraphale really doesn't sit right with me. i'm sure i could go looking for proper points to make if you want but it just feels wrong to me somehow.

it also feels that him being on earth is an ostracism, a roundabout punishment by way of being cast out but not falling... possible. the higher-ranked angels, the ones who'd be assigning posts, don't seem to think much of earth. (neither do the demons for that matter. although that's neither here nor there for this particular point it might be of interest to be examined separately on a different occasion.) i'd probably have said it was the other way around though: the ostracism came as a consequence of his time on earth and the morals and behaviours he developed there - the former causing him to withdraw from the other angels and the latter leading to the other angels shunning/looking down on him - as well as the inherent isolation of the post in a system that seems to be geared towards isolating its angel from each other already anyway.

so what other reason could it have been? well, the only plausible reason i can think of is that it's because he didn't smite crawley when given the opportunity on the wall hmm. maybe the whole not smiting bit orrrrrr he did say he was 'technically on apple tree duty'. maybe we just need to bend scripture a bit so that he was meant to be guarding the tree after all? if he gave away his sword immediately upon arrival how would crowley have seen it? but now that you mention it that's actually a very good question because it wasn't the sword.

others have debated whether or not it was aziraphale telling AWCW about the stars that led to AWCW's fall, and perhaps in point of fact it was... this to me is a character note and not a plot one. no one else would have known and awcw would have ended up asking questions eventually anyway so it has next to no bearing on the sequence of events. characterisation though. how likely is it that aziraphale still feels guilty for the role he sees himself as having played in crowley's fall? because that could inform quite strongly indeed on what we see in modern times.

i realise how ridiculous it all sounds i don't think it does though? the allegorical/metaphorical principles of the idea seem solid if you ask me. just need to find a way to translate it into the narrative.

a final remark: i saw a gifset this morning pointing out all the times crowley addresses or calls on god. it seems an unusual thing for a demon to do and i thought it was just a characterisation thing. but being reminded of it while i was working on fall theories has got me thinking: what if this does somehow connect to the circumstances of his fall? i don't know how and it didn't really fit into any of the rest of this analysis but it's a thought and one that wasn't really letting me go so here it is. maybe you'll be able to do more with it. 🦭

🦭 anon my darling, hello again!!!💕 not at all bothered by long asks, me - i do sometimes however have to find the right mood to be able to respond to them, so once again im sorry for how long it's taken me to get to this!!!✨

i think aziraphale makes decisions does sometimes come down to more than morality - on occasion, it seems to also come down to pragmatism, logic, and a little bit of 'all other options have failed' mentality. case in point for me is the antichrist; he is obviously against killing the child, doesn't want to do it, and tries to exhaust all other avenues before attempting to go through with it. crowley pressures him at the airfield, and because aziraphale's tried every other option he can think of, including trying to reach the almighty directly, i think this is where he succumbs to this being the last resort as he sees it. madame tracy comes in with her moral absolute - you can't just shoot children - and that's what stops the deed dead in its tracks... not aziraphale's sense of right and wrong. he eve initially n hesitates, "perhaps we should wait?", but crowley pushes, and his hand is essentially forced - he, at this point, doesn't see another option. nonetheless, it was his choice to do so, a choice he still will have had a moral stance on, and the potential consequences of which he has/would have had to sit with. yes, he was obviously under extraordinary pressure, but that doesn't necessarily absolve him of accountability.

this is where i wonder where the metatron's rationale will differ; does he have a developed moral identity, so to speak? or, because he is the voice of god (believing as the source of all good), and presumably knows no different, does he think that everything he does is good? he says he's ingested things in his time - suggesting he's been on earth - but has he been on earth long enough to have the same moral comprehension that aziraphale and crowley do? arguably, i think not. that being said, it doesn't mean that he doesnt have free will; more that his free will is to carry out what he considers to be the good, right thing - even if from crowley and aziraphale's, as well as the audience's, perspective, his deeds are considered morally wrong. he doesn't lack agency, but his agency - and moral identity - is, to my mind, woefully misinformed.

a key aspect of the metatron's personality, for me, is summed up in how he addresses muriel, calling them "dim". how far does he actually realise that this is - in fact - a horrible thing to say? how much are angels actually meant to feel - and therefore is there any concept that hurting someone's feelings is wrong? does he think that he's just being factual, because muriel presents as ingenuous and naive, and metatron considers that synonymous with a lack of intelligence? let me be clear - im not condoning this at all, but merely entertaining the possibility that being sequestered in heaven, with no exposure to humanity or moral complexity, leads you to believe that whatever variables you've been exposed to forms your entire sense of self, of thinking, and thereby forms an unconsciously biased moral code. you still act according to that code - exhibiting your agency (ie. metatron is not being controlled or heavily manipulated by someone else) - but who has been around to teach him a different way? god, by all accounts, certainly hasnt.

(this makes me sound like a metatron apologist which... yikes. but also - if the above is the 'correct' way to think about it... maybe? idk)

moving onto the BOL, and saraqael. so, i think the concept of falling might have been... reimagined since The fall. if we follow the theory i laid out in that post, and the ones that followed (here and here) (for anyone else that wants to read them!), saraqael has been operating it, and was set to make gabriel 'fall' by wiping his memory and demoting him to - what we could surmise - is a bottom-of-the-barrel rank. saraqael seems to have a fondness, or at least a more meaningful connection than we're led to believe - with muriel, which makes me think that saraqael might have been following the metatron's orders, but protecting those that 'fall' within her chain of command. maybe they even suggested it to the metatron, citing that losing more angels to hell is strategically ill-advised (especially if they're powerful or influential ones like gabriel). and they seem to have kept an eye on crowley, which makes me wonder how much they may have come to regret their part in the fall; again, development of moral complexity/identity. im fairly certain though that gabriel thwarted the process by transferring his memory into the fly; saraqael couldn't find him in 'the system', which makes me think that he essentially erased himself from the BOL, and therefore saraqael/metatron couldnt erase him themselves. so, not quite falling, and certainly not to hell, but inadvertently exploiting the loophole. BOL is one of my favourite mysteries in s2, i love it!!!💕

re: crowley, asking questions, and memory. now that i think on it more... idk if its about the question. if we follow that he was asking questions in the pre-fall scene about collaboration and "if i were the one running things", it sounds like AWCW was about to stage a coup, which... hm. i don't think that's the case. but take into consideration his cited associations with lucifer and the guys - that might be where they ended up going wrong. but for AWCW? i think it's the fact that his fall may have been in part because he was, simply put, asking questions. not the question itself, but that his conscience, his psyche, was questioning things generally. that he was developing free will, and essentially may have led others to do the same. he may have asked things like "what is the point?", or "why are we doing this?", but i think it's the fact that he's questioning anything in the first place that is the threat.

and the memory wipe of this makes sense, given how he presents on the wall - still very innocent, naive - because it would prevent him from upsetting the status quo... and yet, on the wall, he's still asking questions. his first thought at "go up there and make some trouble" is to tempt eve to knowledge, to free will. he's so intrinsically representative of free will, of choice (for good or bad), that the two things cannot be separated. so yeah, im now a bit hesitant as to whether it's to do with any specific knowledge crowley acquired, but more that he thought to ask for it in the first place - and got blamed for the whole sorry mess because of this. as for aziraphale prompting it all, with telling AWCW about the stars, completely agree - regardless, it is unlikely to have any major bearing on the plot as it currently stands, but still interesting to think that he may have been the one to directly influence AWCW towards free will - that what he told him, somewhat accidentally, literally birthed a major tenet of crowley's character and purpose in the narrative.

aziraphale and scapegoating: yeah, im with you on this - on reflection, im not convinced that he was scapegoated for anything during the fall. i do think he was involved (insert the ever evolving idea that aziraphale may have been an archangel (which i realise youve noted as not being one you jam with, fair!!!) and was the one to declare the war), but i think where aziraphale is going to come into play re: mirroring AWCW is with the second coming. there was a brilliant ask, from @crowleykinning, that i totally forgot about until recently - and this is where i think aziraphale might be posed as a scapegoat himself. im not sure on how i feel about aziraphale fighting for hell - but i do wonder, and spitballing Once Again here, that he may have tried to smuggle AWCW out of heaven... couldnt bring himself to cut AWCW down, and instead, like, smuggled him down the back stairwell to hell ("sauntered vaguely downwards"). idk - an errant thought, and possibly just one for fanfic. as for your point on the ostracism and punished by being sent to earth - yeah, possibly!!! idk, i guess i just like the poetry of aziraphale making his own vague, downwards saunter himself.

re "apple tree duty": bloody good point, forgot about that line!!!✨ and plus crowley knowing he had a sword to give away - absolutely spot on, another very good point. hmm... further thinking required, but yeah - think im arriving at the same conclusion of scripture not being followed as verbatim. but yeah, still don't think the demotion could have had anything to do with the sword - more likely to do with allowing the serpent in/allowing humanity to fall, and/or not smiting said serpent at first opportunity.

re crowley beseeching to god: i wrote a little silly thing on crowley and faith in god, which to me kind of sums it up, and i think it's one of the main clues that god may not have had anything to do with the fall. why would you pray to a god that did that to you? id personally think that crowley would be more bitter and resentful, but it seems like he still looks to god in moments of struggle, still incites her name when faced with losing aziraphale to heaven. i don't think he ever lost faith in her, despite how he comes across in the job minisode when he was much 'younger', and instead just wants to understand why she let it happen... possibly not realising that he may have been the first to follow her ineffable plan, not realising it at the time (or since)?✨