#like oh no the book is missing the arc for its main character

[heir-of-the-chair]

Lowkey hyperfixating now and I’ve come to the devastating conclusion that Jacob the main character of Water For Elephants… doesn’t really have a character arc

[thewardenisonthecase]

About the Lucanis Romance

(this is a long ass post ok so bear with me)

So I've been meaning to adress some of the complaints/criticisms of Lucanis's romance and I was thinking on how to do it and I finally figured it out. While I don't like making comparisons because I think they're somewhat unfair, but this time, I'm gonna do it to show why I have some many complaints about the Lucanis romance.

And I'm gonna compare it to Fenris's romance arc in DA2. The main reason for that is that 1) they're both very troubled man who brood and went through A Lot tm and 2) considering DA2 also doesn't allow you to just talk to the companions whenever and doesn't have a spam kiss button and is a shorter game, it feels the fairest comparison.

'Lack of reactivity when it comes to the flirting dialogue options'

One of the biggest complaints when it comes to Lucanis romance is his lack of reaction to the flirting dialogue lines. I've seen the argument that 'oh but he's awakward, he doesn't know how to react'. I'm not the biggest fan of this because there are ways to better portray a character being bad with flirting than having 0 reaction.

During Switch and Bait, the quest where Fenris is recruited, you can flirt with him. And how does he react? He gives a nervous laugh, because he's not used to do. But that conveys that he listened to the flirt line and is responding to it, even if he doesn't actually say anything. There are other moments where his reaction is looking away, smirking, and a few times he does flirt back.

Even if small, I never felt that Fenris wasn't reacting to what was being said. Meanwhile, Lucanis has a painful moment where Rook tells him "I'm here" and he, with the straightest face ever, responds with "We need to talk about Ilario". And this is not the only time where it feels like there was no response to the flirting, its just the most egregious of them.

So, while I can understand what people mean by the fact that he's awkward, there are better ways to portray this. It's important to remember that this is a video game, which is an interactive media, and on top of that, it's an RPG. The player HAS to feel like what they're doing matters, because if it doesn't, it's easiert to just read a book.

'Not enough romance scenes'

I think this is a criticism that has been misunderstood by many people. Romance scenes do not mean just sex. I'm asexual, the sex scenes are the thing that least matter to me. Like, Fenris only has 1 sex scenes and it's a fade to black where he immediatly dumps Hawke after, so clearly, sex is not what I care about.

What does matter are scenes that establish a connection between the two character.

And while Lucanis has them, and I think they're great (the coffee scene and the almost kiss one are the highlights for me), due to the way these scenes are spread out, it feels like there's something missing.

DA2 also doesn't have a shitton of romance scenes, and considering the fact that Fenris breaks up with Hawke halfway through, its understandable. But the difference is that DA2 is a much shorter game than Veilguard, or, at the very least, Act 2 of DA2 is waaaay more concise than Act 2 of Veilguard, which is where most of the romance is happening.

That means that, even if there aren't that many romance scenes, they are better splayed out, so you don't feel like you're missing stuff. Another thing that I think happens is that you can really dive in and just ask the companion a lot of things.

Take Fenris's Questioning Beliefs quest in Act 2, which is a really important scene for the romance. Much like veilguard, its a scene that doesn't begin as a romance one but if you have been picking the flirting options, it can turn into Fenris and Hawke discussing about being intimate in the future. And in this scene, Fenris confesses to not having been with anyone in long, and doesn't remember if he actually ever has been with anyone.

This can be made so much longer by the fact that Hawke can ask multiple follow up questions from there, and that helps in both creating a connection between the two and also establishing the romance. Even if they don't do anything then, Fenris will say 'another time'.

And this happens in the act 3 version of Questioning Beliefs, which has the culmination of Fenris's and Hawke's romance, where their relationship is rekindled. And I think they do what Veilguard should have done: they let the player adress Fenris leaving Hawke.

One thing that bothered me, and that other people have brought up is that after Lucanis's runs away from the almost kiss, it's never adressed again. And I think if they could have had a moment where Rook and Lucanis talk about this, it could have been great to understand Lucanis and his history with relationships, how he feels internally about what's going on with them, heck maybe even apologize. Just something to feel that that wasn't a random scene, that was something important that happened.

Also, because you can interrogate Fenris so much in those scenes, the feeling that he was yearning for Hawke but all his trauma was stopping him felt more natural/real/explicit. I remember getting to the endgame portion of Veilguard and Lucanis pulling out the 'when i wanted to be with you but was scared' and thinking this is a lovely sentiment but why it hasn't been shown before? Because yes, the almost kiss is a good way to establish this, but if it had been actually delved in, that feeling could have been made more explicit.

I also wanted to add that, while the gift giving in DA2 is nowhere near the mechanic it was in DAO, it still helped with establishing that connection, and it gave even more chances for characters to flirt, and if DATV had used this opportunity, it could have helped a lot, instead of just having the character go "for me? thanks"

'Banter'

I'm gonna adress two issues here at once. The first is Neve.

Out of the gate, hating on Neve just because she flirts with Lucanis and gets with him if you don't romance either of them is weird, and at the very least, sexist.

So, what I want to talk about is that if you're romancing either of them, for some reason, their flirting banters still trigger and that can be uncomfortable. It sure is weird to be romancing a character and have them still flirt with another, because it comes across as 'oh maybe the choice to romance them doesn't change much' which isn't good for an RPG.

DA2 also has a couple that flirts through banter and gets together if Hawke doesn't romance them, and those are Isabela and Fenris. The difference is that, if you romance either of them, those flirty lines of banter do not trigger. At all. So much so I had no idea they got together because I've only romanced Fenris so far in DA2, so i never even knew of these banters until I looked at the wiki.

So, truly, lucanis and neve getting together is fine (i think neve should have been with bellara but that's another story) but these flirting line should not trigger if either of them are being romanced by Rook.

Still on the topic of banter, maybe I was unlucky and didn't get it to trigger often, but I felt as if, even though everyone was living together, the fact that Rook and Lucanis were in a relationship was not really ever addressed by anyone else? Like, I know these banters exist because I've seen them online, but I feel like there were just too little of them?

In comparison, the DA2 characters have a LOT to say about Hawke's choice of partner (and again, I'm focusing on Fenris here). Merrill adresses the romance through banter ('you make sad puppy eyes whenever Hawke looks away'), Varric, Isabela and Anders have specific scenes where they talk to Hawke about Fenris and give their opinions on the two of them together. Heck, in Aveline's quest where she gets with Donnic, she can briefly mention the two of them. And these all of them also have banter in which they adress the romance.

And its this sort of thing that really helps filling in the gaps of the romance scenes but also showing that these characters know what is happening. And the DA2 gang doesn't even live together!

And for Lucanis in specific, if there always was going to be less scenes with him due to how he is a person, having a few scenes where the other companions talk to Rook about it would have helped bridge that gap, in my opnion. Again, considering you can't directly talk to this characters (as in, click on them and start a dialogue), this would have been a nice touch.

And now a very personal complait of mine

'Kisses and the Commit to Romance scene'

While I stated at the very begging that I don't care about sex scenes, that is another story when it comes to kissing scenes, and I'm sorry, but it's WILD to put the ONLY kissing scene in the romance AT THE ENDGAME PORTION OF THE GAME.

Give it or take, kissing is an intimate act and it can be used, in my opinion, to show that a character is comfortable with that sort of physical touch. And for a character like Lucanis, who is just so troubled, maybe one kiss before the grand finale would have been really fucking welcomed. In fact, I know the scene they could have added that - the one in the café after Ilario is taken down.

It could have been a short, sweet kiss, that was just a follow up to the almost kiss scene. Just something to hammer in more that these characters are together.

Because let me tell you, it is not a good sign when people say they thought the game was bugged after the dessert scene.

That scene, while lovely on its own, does a bad job of making it clear that yeah, these characters are dating now, and that's due to the fact that that is not something really said out loud.

I'm rewatching this scene as I type this out and at no point, is it made clear through dialogue that Rook and Lucanis are agreeing to being together. In fact, Lucanis says that what he's doing is not enough, and Rook disagreed with the sentiment and says they're easily bribed. That's it.

Meanwhile, in DA2, not only in act 2, do Fenris and Hawke lowkey make plans about being intimate at a later date, and Fenris explicitly says he wants Hawke, but in act 3, he once again makes it clear that he wants to be with Hawke, and I feel like this only really happens with Lucanis at the endgame portion of the game.

This is all to say that: The Lucanis romance is lacking, and that Bioware has done something like this before and they did a better job then than now.

[ravensvirginity]

Titans #15 Review

Oh my god. Where do I even begin.

To start with my one and only positive: the art is gorgeous. Lucas Meyer is the best artist the Titans have had in ages, and his new Raven design really delivered. I'm so sad that it appears that the artist who'll be taking over for him in #16 is undoing his design changes, I think it's a massive shame. I did appreciate the detail of Raven's white cloak design having rings on her index fingers, but it feels a little pointless without the lore of Azar's rings to back it up.

Now, the negatives: literally everything else about this comic. This comic fails to deliver on an eight issue arc in any kind of satisfying way, has a bizarre and out of character tone, and severely misunderstands the lore of its main villain. They literally defeated Trigon with the power of friendship. Maybe that could work in Teen Titans Go, but in a main timeline DC comic? What?

First, the demon Raven stuff. Gar saying that demon Raven and regular Raven aren't two different people--yeah, obviously. The severe degree of separation between demon Raven and regular Raven has been one of the big issues of this arc, and this conclusion is as unsatisfying as the rest of it. Raven and her demon side being able to talk face to face isn't new, but them being two separate people with separate physical bodies who can operate completely independently of each other--while there is some precident for this, to me it's a very strange writing choice and misses the point of a demon Raven arc.

The original idea of Raven and her demon side was that her demon side is her. It's all the worst instincts she inherited from Trigon locked up and carefully controlled. When Trigon takes control of her and turns her into her demon form, everything she's repressed, both good and bad, is released. Raven still having a soft spot for the Titans in her demon form makes sense; she's still Raven, just corrupted by Trigon into something she isn't. Raven deciding to stop being evil (not that she even really was) and going back to normal from one brief conversation with her teammate does not, and is really anticlimactic.

It's just such a waste of the story's potential. If you don't want to commit to Raven being the villain of the story, don't do a demon Raven arc! It's possible to do a Trigon story without Raven being evil, I don't get why they didn't just do that. None of the drama with Raven being evil was particularly well executed, and all it seemed to do was drag the comic on longer and longer with nothing actually happening, because they were unwilling to make Raven actually do anything villanous.

All that pales in comparison to how they defeated Trigon. I don't think I've ever seen such blatant disregard for previous canon. As Raven, powered up by the other Titans, fights Trigon, Gar narrates as follows:

"I doubt Trigon has ever been in a fight. An actual fight. With someone his own size and power level. Never had to face someone like Nightwing one-on-one. Never tried to stand while being pinned by the power of Donna Troy's will. Never been blasted... with a giant-sized Apokoliptian blast from Cyborg. And never, ever... felt the full force of a Tamaranean hit powered by the stars."

WHAT?

This comic canonically takes place in the same timeline as the New Teen Titans. There are many homages to the New Teen Titans. It has been made very clear that the team started as the New Teen Titans, and then after many, many years of crazy comic book history the team reformed as the Titans of this run.

The first ever Trigon arc that introduces him and Raven as characters takes place in the first six issues of the New Teen Titans, and culminates in Trigon being defeated by the Titans and thrown into an interdimensional prison. I can't stress this enough: literally every single one of the things Gar said have never happened to Trigon happen in that fight. Donna uses her lasso to dampen Trigon's will, in combination with Raven and Arella's empathic abilities. Wally rips a hole through the fabric of reality to throw Trigon into, and Kory and Vic connect their powers to amplify their blasts to throw Trigon into the interdimensional rift. The whole thing is coordinated and managed by Dick Grayson (who was still Robin at the time).

Gar was there when all this happened. There is no reason for him to not know that this happened. The only explanation is Tom Taylor doesn't know, or he doesn't care. This would be disappointing for any comic book run, but it leaves an especially sour taste in my mouth for this to happen in a run that's so built on NTT homages. It's clear that the writing could not care less about the comic it was inspired by.

And then Garth causes Trigon to have a heart attack. Okay, that was just stupid. Admittedly, I did think the page of Raven stabbing Trigon was cool (again, the art is really the only saving grace here), but her saying "Fuck you, Dad"? Seriously? An ongoing problem in this run has been the dialog feeling janky and too much like lines from a generic superhero movie, and this line embodies that very well. I'm not opposed to swearing in comic books, but to me, this is not the right time for it. It doesn't fit the moment, and I think it's quite out of character for Raven, even if the sentiment behind it isn't.

And then Trigon isn't even dead? What does "Demons don't die. They just fade away." even mean?? Is he dead or not? Will he come back tomorrow or in a thousand years? It's such a strange, confusing letdown of an ending.

I didn't have high hopes for this issue, but it was somehow worse than I could ever have imagined. I'm so glad that this run is getting a new writer. Here's hoping that the coming issues will actually feel like a team book, and that the decades of lore and characterization of these beloved characters will actually be considered during writing.

[spop-romanticizes-abuse]

Other than catra/catradora, what problems do you have with the show?

oh boy, where do i even start? i'm just gonna try and keep it short because if i try to explain every single aspect in detail, this post could be turned into a book. so i'm just gonna list out all the problems i have with this show, both in terms of problematic elements and poor writing.

blatant ableism towards the autistic character

bullying and mistreatment of a young boy being played for laughs

war and desolation being used as an Aesthetic™ rather than a theme/message

rushed and poorly written character arcs (and no, it's not just catra)

amatonormativity and forced ships (the show is supposed to be representative of the LGBT community, yet almost all of the characters need to end up in a relationship, in order to have a happy ending)

boring and poorly written Final Boss™

too much fanservice (little snippets of fanservice is fine but when you ignore and disrespect canon just so you can make the viewers happy, that's a problem)

an entire kingdom is conquered and its people probably killed/seriously harmed, and its ruler is shown moping around in a bathtub and eating ice cream as if they got stood up by their date instead (this connects to my earlier point about war being trivialized)

the only non-binary representation being a shapeshifting lizard creature (look, i like double trouble as a character but you have to admit that they're not exactly good representation)

one of the most powerful female characters in OG she-ra being reduced to the "doting aunt" (for a show that claims to be about empowering women, they sure ignore the powerful women in canon)

weird pacing and inconsistencies (apparently two or three years passed within the five seasons, yet the characters haven't aged at all, especially frosta who supposedly went from 12 to 14, yet looks exactly the same)

the princesses are useless (they should have named the show 'Catra and the others' lmao)

overuse of character archetypes instead of making original characters (the peaceful vegan flower princess who sometimes loses her temper, the depressed emo girl™, the hyperactive child™)

stereotyping of certain communities (the high-functioning autistic genius, the angry latina, the predatory lesbian, etc)

bad comedy (this is probably subjective and i don't expect everyone to agree, but most of the comedic elements is SPOP was just.. corny. only scorpia worked well as a comic relief character imo)

the only polyamory representation being two bullies and their victim

death of the author™ (basically, confirming things outside of the series, instead of portraying them well in canon)

plot holes and unsatisfying conclusions (adora's origin was a huge plot point in s4 but they completely abandon it in the last season)

there may be a lot that i've missed because i have a goldfish brain and tend to forget stuff. but i'd say these are the main problems i have with the show. it did a few things right, but fucked up on a thousand others.

[thecncitygirls]

Happy 20th anniversary teen titans!

I missed it because I was celebrating ANOTHER nostalgic action show: Danny Phantom! I bought the new comic book (it's called A Glitch In Time and it is SO GOOD). I want to take the time to share my thoughts on the Show.

When I say Teen Titans was my childhood I mean it. Sure I have a LOT of salt towards TTG, but i do have to give it credit the show can be funny and it's clear to be it's own thing (when it's not making unnecessary digs at the OG fans). Every Saturday morning I would wake up just to watch Titans on Kids WB.

I remember watching TT first on CN but my parents cancelled our cable. Lucky it also aired on The WB so I didn't miss much. My favorite will always be Raven, Cyborg and Starfire, I just really loved them and their characters. Funny enough I didn't exactly care for BB and Robin, until later in the show.

My favorite arc will always be Terra. They handled her character much better in the show because she feels like an actual teenager instead of Evil Incarnate™. Oh and Red X too! I really live how thry didn't reveal his identity in the show (I'm holding on to the common theory that he might be Jason Todd). And HIVE! I feel like Hive is so underrated i know everyone talks about Jinx but the other students deserve love too! Brother Blood was cool (actually a lot of TT villains were lit even Mad Mod).

Funny enough I wasn't all that scared of Slade (I was scared of Father from KND). He was so cool on the show and one of my favorite villains. And much more bearable. I do wish the show touched on his backstory considering Jericho was also in it.

But my favorite part about TT is that it is a TEEN TITANS show. So they got focus. No shoving in the adult heroes ESPECIALLY a certain bat. The Titans were allowed to grow and explore by themselves, and I think that's a great message for kids and young adults. You CAN solve problems without always needing an adult. You CAN have a DC show without shoehorning Batman. Literally all the characters were likable, have a wonderful dynamic and there's a favorite titan for everyone. And I liked how other characters outside the main team also got a bit of attention.

To this day this show will always hold a special place in my heart. Even with its flaws I appreciate the show for what it can do for action animation and media geared for kids and teens as whole. Here's to twenty more years of TEEN TITANS.

[tableintheteacherslounge]

Abbott Elementary S03E07 thoughts

Melissa having a spare room baring in mind we’ve seen her house feels fake sorry - How will she have a room mate but noone look at her pictures and keep control of her kitchen. I get its gonna be for plot but i don’t buy it

I’m w ava that’s a woman who just found out she’s not pregnant - that’s a woman who’s been successfully slutting it up (how’s she gonna slut it up with a roommate)

Omg protective barb 🥺 (ALSO BARBS RIGHT BC MEL WOULDNT GIVE OUT HER ADDRESS WILLINGLY)

AS SOON AS SHE SAID NERD I THOUGHT JACOB

“I know its gods will but hes gotten awfully creative” 😭😭😭😭😭

I love it when Mr johnson lore gets unlocked

Manny and the beard whew 😮‍💨 I was literally wondering where he was so I’m glad they’re using him again

Janine ur SO SMART this is such a good idea and not like a janine unnecessarily fixing a problem like an actual good idea- good job babygirl

Not ava spilling the tea to the whole room

Ponytail melissa at home is so personal to me, I love that this continues from s2, this is just who she is, she throws her hair up when she’s at home. I like that she’s wearing the eagles hoodie we’ve seen before too. Love the hair, makeup & costume details on this show

“I only know how to cook for 12” 😭

Finally mel talking about her breakup! Damn maybe it really was “im not bringing this to school” this whole time

Also Gary being a dead ringer for her dad?? I’m not saying my headcanons are more correct than the show but I disagree with this statement. Gary is not schemmenti coded.

Omg the jacob melissa work momming work sonning ive been dreaming of

“And dont forget theres a 3 booked limit 😒” barb is PISSED and i LOVE IT

“Oh i know what a google doctor is 😤”

Barb really is the best character on tv im sorry noone can do it like sheryl lee ralph like they just cant Shes everything

Janine forgetting the key term (pottery wheel) in her analogy she is so me

“Jacob if u dont like my ziti just say so and i will heave myself out that window” 😭😭

“I went to find mr johnson but he was still crying” NO 😭💔 hes just a sensitive guy 😔

“Mrs howard i blew down the house” 🥺🤏🏻 I love the kids being so central in this ep, I’ve missed that recently, and the kindergarteners are soooo cute

“🐷 I am a pig 🐺 i am a wolf 😄 and im a librarian who thinks she can just change everything around here 👋” IJBOL no please give sheryl another emmy I beg

“This programme is more of a distraction than an improvement” that’s teaaa actually. Thats so often what councils etc do, distract with new flashy things rather than fix the real problems. Even though in this case it’s well meaning it does make u think how big a priority should the library actually be? But actually children reading is super important and what did they say last season? The librarian was an alexa in glasses? 🤣

“You okay? You look like raven having a vision” 😭 you don’t understand how often i say this

I have thoughts on Barbara’s intentions and my instinct is gregory needs to keep her name out his mouth. I do think it’s really important that Janine stood up to Barbara, just maybe gregory made barbara seem worse than she was

“It’s been a rough week I could use the pick me up” i just love mr johnson

My immediate reaction was this one of my favourite episodes of the season - lots of excellent Barb moments, the kids, more mr johnson, story arcs I enjoyed and felt completed.

Janine standing up to Barbara was a really big deal for her considering her hatred of conflict and worship of barbara as a mother figure. It made me really proud to see how far janine has come.

But the longer since watching the less I like it. And it’s two main things:

- the jacob melissa room mate situation feels like jumping the shark for plots sake and not something realistic for those characters. So as much as I enjoy them and their dynamic and their growth it just feels fake.

- I dont care about the librarian. The set up feels like she could stick around and I just don’t care for new characters, I like my main people. (But then the same apprehension was had w the district people and they’ve not seemed to be around much).

I do still really like this ep and it definitely ranks highly in the season, just idk, some eps I enjoy more over time but this has made me feel more confused as to what will happen next I guess.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Hello there! I've been thinking a lot about the parallels between Atsushi and Sigma lately(their clothes in their respective flashbacks looking the same,how they're both curled in similar positions with locked up,their faces looking alike when they panic,and Dazai openly saying Sigma reminds him if Atsushi).

With all these comparmemts I've been reminded of hoe Atsushi also apparently has a connection to the book like Sigma does,with Fitzgerald saying that Atsushi is the "tiger beetle" that he needs to find the book in the Guild arc.

I was wondering if you had any theories on what this could mean for Atsushi's character since its been something that's been relatively ignored for a while now which is odd considering Atsushi is the Mc and in other series this would have likely been addressed more but then again we don't really know much about Atsushi as protagonist,but aside from that,any thoughts?

Oh yeah, the parallels between Sigma and Atsushi are numerous to say the least.

About Atsushi: I’ve made a couple theories about him and his connection to the Book, namely

I think it’s possible him and Akutagawa have the capacity to create a singularity that is the only thing that could destroy it or its “seal”. (The tiger claws can cut through anything including abilities/Beast Dazai zeroing in on some kind of singularity they can make which will be necessary somehow, when the tiger claws can’t really be a singularity because there’s no inherent contradiction as far as I’m aware)

Atsushi has two abilities - one is the blue crystal from Dead Apple which is a latent power related to the Book that is “stored” within him for safekeeping. The tiger is a defensive ability specifically for the purpose of protecting it - the red crystal.

About Sigma, I don’t have as much but I did come up with a really weird concept that Sigma was the “main character” of his parallel world. This would explain

Why he has so many notable similarities with Atsushi.

Why his memories are missing - because without the protagonist, his fragile parallel timeline collapsed and now no longer exists.

To be clear I don’t think this is what actually is going to be revealed with Sigma (it’s far more likely he just had his memories written out or there’s some kind of failsafe to keep him from retrieving them - like the “no law enforcement will believe the agency” caveat) but it’s fun to theorize. I wrote up a big post on everything we know about the Book so far, including character connections; if you haven’t already seen that, you can check that out! I intended it as a helpful reference for theory making in the first place.

If you do think up an interesting theory about these two or notice something else cool, feel free to drop me another ask and explain it! :)

[rockybloo]

Thinking of writing a fanfic crossover where Jack and Nana end up in Decking city after a magical accident (Still fleshing out the details of how said accident worked).

If comfortable answering:

I'm curious about how you think Nana and Jack would react to such a such a big change in a new place like that, in a general sense. Especially if there's a bigger issue bringing them here and they realize they have to solve it to go home.

Thank you, and lovely day either way ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡

A fanfic of Jack and Nana would make me screech because they are the most ship ever for me and I'd be overjoyed. 😭💚❤️ The concept of anyone considering taking time out of their day and writing a fic about my OCs in general makes me happy.

and WOW my brain waves are powerful because I was literally thinking of an old Beanstalked plot point that basically dealt with the idea of how the main team get yeeted from Lore to Earth and have to figure out how to get back and how to tie it to Glitter and Guilt for a funny little crossover arc.

I won't go into detail about the ACTUAL events that cause it to potentially happen (bc I dunno if I'll do it...I mean I probably will but as a separate oneshot from the main storylines of both stories) BUT I can def answer how Jack and Nana would respond to a similar situation.

This will be a long one so buckle in

First thing to know is that Lore and Earth are two separate planets in the same solar system. Both are waaay closer than either think.

Lore occupants know about Earth, specifically they know it as "The World without Magic/Happy Endings/Fairy Tales/etc." It's kinda of mythicized.

Earth has no idea Lore is a thing because Lore has magic rings (kinda like Saturn's but cooler I dare say) that spin around it and make it invisible.

Bloopers are a glitch in reality in Lore where things from Earth often pop up there. Often old or lost objects.

Jack works part time for Baba, who tends to have a whole bunch of bloopers in his shop, which means he has very mild knowledge of Earth. Not a whole lot but if he winded up there-he would know "Oh! This is Earth!" and he'd be able to point out some stuff and name it. So he would know a car when he sees one-it's just a matter of actually being aware of how one works.

Hazel and Kettle have a TON of bloopers they hoard in their bedroom which serves as the attic for the inn Miss Castor is the keeper of. Specifically, they have the super fun bloopers like retro game consoles and comic books. Chances are, they even have some Sweetheart merch but are under the belief that she is merely fictional character.

So Jack is vaguely aware of Sweetheart. SPECIFICALLY as "The pink hero my little siblings thinks is cool".

Merch of villains is a whole lot more locked down with most being illegal save for what is made for the Decking City Park of Heroes AKA the Disney World/Universal Studios of Decking City entirely focusing on it's homegrown hero culture.

So Bitterbat is def not someone Jack is aware of.

When it comes to Nana, she doesn't really dabble much in bloopers or even learning about Earth. Unless it's from Jack's ramblings or mini adventures, she tends to limit herself to Lore and its shenanigans. She spent most her life living in a forest and is just now branching out to learn more about Briar Patch and Lore as a whole thanks to Jack making her realize "Oh hey the outside world is kinda fun".

She's taking baby steps and Earth is a very big jump she ain't trynna make yet.

So when it comes to them getting yeeted to Earth, SPECIFICALLY Decking City, Nana is def more reliant on Jack when it comes to knowledge. Where ever he is going, she is gonna be right there, hugging onto one of his arms for dear life because neither wants to lose the other.

Decking City is very interesting with how it's the least mundane setting for Jack and Nana to wind up in, which works perfectly because they come from a fantasy world. They will ironically feel a lot more comfortable when they see a giant monster attacking or some hero versus villain battle going on than dealing with crossing the street with a buncha traffic or even walking through a grocery store aka over stimulant central.

The biggest problem would be adapting to their temporary stay. Decking City is loud and busy and both would be overwhelmed quite easily from just the sights and sounds alone. A city is vastly more imposing than a kingdom when it comes to its buildings and even then, Jack and Nana spend most their time in Briar Patch which is a small humble town.

Nana would have the worse time because her keen Lupine hearing means every car honk, screech of tires, Kaiju alert siren, civilian yelling at another civilian, would lead to the biggest headache.

Protecting the other and making sure they're safe is their main priority. They care deeply about each other and seeing the constant look of discomfort on Nana's face and how nervous she is is enough to break Jack's heart. And the second anyone so much as breathes in the slightest bit of irritation at Jack seeming to not know where or what he's doing, under the belief he's a tourist, would lead to Nana snarling with her full set of chompers on display.

That's enough to cause anyone in the proximity to steer clear of them...or at least treat Jack very nicely because it's very obvious the two are traveling together.

ULTIMATELY, both would want some safe place so they can gather their thoughts, which are currently being scrambled by the city sights and sounds, calm down and figure out what they need to do to get back home.

Whatever they need to do, they are def willing to accomplish because they are used to being in some slice of hell situations. They've always figured their way out of them. Back on Lore, the gang adventures a bunch and have encountered a lot. Some of which I cannot share for spoilers but just know they are no strangers to dealing with the unknown.

It's just a big matter of figuring out exactly what unknown they are dealing with this time.

[so-bitya]

OK! I had some ideas for the plot and character arcs too i wanted to share. it felt like the show had some great concepts but didn't know where to go with them so..

–Main plot themes/changes

More focus more on the difficulties of growing up, being an adult, reality not being so simple as a child. What can't be easily solve as a precure, and what needs a precure attitude to solve it.

Oh and definitely all the girls are in contact with each other. Like we've been through Covid yall! you think they don't have discord or something?? and they're in contact with the boys too, more infrequently for sure, but they got Syrup, cmon!

–Angel

I think that rather than pollution and climate change, which doesn't really connect with main characters and rather feels too impersonal for the audience, human misery in the current age seems more appropriate. How people get wrapped up in their issues and find excuses to neglect others that it negatively impacts the town. Perhaps Angel was better taken care of in the past and something happened to her caretaker, or something else that's more personal, and she wants to reverse time before the tower is set for deconstruction?

A lot more focus on the passage of time and whether we cling to it too much, glamorize it through our nostalgia, instead of learning from it and moving into the future. I'd like if Angel was influencing the girl's transformations and her monsters were more time themed. (and obv something that saves Angel, because we can't have things too sad. Maybe they stop construction, or they don't stop it but the girls make something out of her memory? Like Komachi writes a book about the tower?)

–Nozomi

I think the first episode encapsulated what i wanted Nozomi's arc to be like. Nozomi became an adult, achieved her dream, and is great at her job! but she still misses being a precure, because the issues she faces as an adult aren't as easily solved back when she was a kid. Honestly, was hoping that the girls didn't transform so fast, or that there was more build up to it? Interesting concept if Nozomi was the last to transform, so she has to solve problems as the adult and feels distant from her friends that can transform.

–Rin

Rin's an adult now and she's got a lot on her plate! Between her demanding job, her hobbies, her family, she also wants to remain Nozomi's ideal best friend. She's genuinely bothered that she can't become a precure anymore, but doesn't even now if she wants to anymore! She and Nozomi have a great talk reexamining their relationship and despite how things change, they'll always care about each other.

–Urara

I thought her struggles were between deciding to be an actress or a singer. I think it would have been more interesting if the play was a musical to use both elements. perhaps Urara wants to emulate her mother too much (aka the actress) she neglects her own strengths (being a singer) keeping the same plot beat of Syrup saying he loves her singing but more involvement from the girls (and they all show up for her musical!!)

–Komachi

Pretty similar to her episode, but I'd like to go into her writing issues!! perhaps she's lost interest in writing fantasy that she was obsessed with when she was younger, so it's giving her both writer's block and a bit of an identity crisis. But after being so involved in the town and learning the townsfolk history, she wants to write about them and gets re-inspired to write more realistic fiction that's grounded and down to earth, that her audience appreciates for being more relatable.

–Karen

Stressed with her job, realizing that she can't simple treat people and expect them to get right back on their feet. She starts understanding some people lives will be permanently changed and can't be healed away (aka disabilities!) and thats okay! its just another matter of adaption. It would be a great mature topic for the show to have.

–Kurumi

Get that stinking manager out of there! Genuinely think workplace harassment should have been a bigger issue!! It would have been realistic issue that many people face, especially women, in the workplace. It would have been nice is Kurumi managed to get testimonies from her coworkers and got the guy fired. Or at least show that she doesn't have to put up with the constant disrespect and move on to a better job (i mean, not leave that for the finale).

–Coco

Cut the melodrama out lol. Honestly would have been fine with him showing up towards the finale so the girls could have some breathing room to revitalize their friendship, but well oh well. I think him having insecurities being king is interesting paralleled with the other girls insecurities after achieving their dreams. I could care less about the romance, but i think it would have been nice if he and nozomi worked on their issues with marriage on screen (like trying to live together for a while). It's nicer to think that they've been discussing it before and the big question during the show is whether they should take that one step further or to stop and move on with life (i don't even think nozomi thought about marriage in show, just being with coco).

–Nuts

idk man I just wanted to see more of him :( like interact with the girls or have a nice talk with komachi! i liked their editor writer relationship and it got him be more open with his feelings and relax more!! let me see it!!1

–Syrup

He's good actually (Except that outfit, throw the whole look out), but it would have been nice to reference his plot a bit, with cure flora and everything?

[magic-is-something-we-create]

15, 17, and 18 for the icebreaker ask game!! - @alesseia

ohmygod tumblr didnt show me that i had asks for almost two entire weeks i hate it here

Thanks for sending this in, @alesseia!!! (I really hope I'm referencing the correct ask game post,,,,)

15. Why does the story follow the protagonist, as opposed to another character in the story? I.e., what makes them so special?

Oh man, this one is a fun question that is,,,, a Lot more complicated for Millennium Saga than for Whispers.

For Whispers: The story follows Marika and Lorelei as narrators specifically because of their unique and drastically different interactions with and opinions of the Shadow (the antagonist). Marika, specifically, is way more similar to the Shadow than she wants to admit at the start, and honestly, I would not be surprised if she and the Shadow ever got romantic (or at the very least sexual, because dear god I gave them lots of tension there). Lorelei, on the other hand, is like the antithesis of the Shadow's whole deal, and that pisses them both off to no end. And I just thought their lenses were particularly fun to play with for the "henchman vs superhero POV" premise!!

For The Millennium Saga...

Well. There's actually two sets of multiple main characters in the series. And I chose Ember's crew (Gab, Annie, Andy, Isa, and Nimbus) because they've got a rather unique mix of people of all societal classes (pickpocket/manual laborer, whore/seasonal tourist attraction actor, seamstress, mechanic, literal grandchild of an immortal, and an apprentice under an outcast, respectively) that allowed me to explore a LOT of the world they're in and how it functions without forcing the narrative out of the way (ideal for the worldbuilding-heavy story the series focuses on).

And the SECOND set of main characters, for arc two, were chosen because they're the more extreme versions of the above, with bonus extra trauma and outsized impact than anyone should reasonably have. Which they acknowledge, and still abuse. Also it means I get to write a lot of darker things into what is an overall hopeful story without dragging the previous rein-holders through the mud <3

17. What’s the best character dynamic between two or more characters in your wip?

Whispers: Lorelei and the Shadow. I will not elaborate, but if you know, you know.

The Millennium Saga: This is entirely out of left field to people who only know the excerpts and nothing else, but Annie and Xavi are the DREAM TEAM gossip buddies who constantly get into Mega Trouble. If anyone other than me was writing this they'd be a couple but because its me Annie is aroace as hell and Xavi is so gay his dad invented homophobia in a queernormative setting

18. How do you want readers to feel while reading your story? after they finish reading it?

Whispers: constant (hopefully cathartic) pain with an added sobbing session afterwards.

Millennium Saga: awe and wonder with occasional moments of utter existential terror mixed in, with an ultimate hopeful and heartwarming conclusion. But lots of stops for pain between books because this series is monstrous

Thank you again for sending this in!!! If you'd like, I'll happily send you a few numbers as well (and the ask game if it has gone missing/been buried since then) <3

[saving-word-crawls]

Comic Book Crawl

By: OuzoAthena11

This is the comic book crawl, a bonus round for the Journey through the Genres challenge 8. It has a variety of steps from short to long, so this is a long and probably hard crawl. I finished this too late for a spreadsheet for points, but this is just a bonus anyways. This crawl follows you, the reader of comic books, enjoying one single comic book series.

For those who wanted to do a bonus round, I hope you enjoy the extra challenge! For those not doing the Journey through the Genre Challenge, I hope this is fun on its own for you!

If you don’t know what your WPM is, it is easiest to just take the first step, write for 10 minutes, and divide the number of words by 10 and use that for the entire crawl.

For the die roll steps, a d6 is assumed. If doing this as an extension of the Journey through the Genre challenges, I would like you to follow those rules even without the points motivation and use a d6. Otherwise, you can use whatever die you would like, even a d20 if you’re feeling adventurous.

Since this is the first crawl I’ve written, I wouldn’t mind some feedback on it!

You finally get the chance to collect all issues of a comic book series you’ve been interested in. Sprint 10 minutes as you pay at the register for your find.

You go home and settle in to read the several issue series. You hadn’t wanted to miss a thing, and now you get to enjoy the full spectrum of the story arcs completed in the series. Up first is…

The origin story

The main character’s daily life is kind of boring. Write for five minutes as you slog through the first five pages, wondering when the exciting stuff is going to happen.

Now comes the exciting part! Pick which event gives the main character their powers/abilities: (choose 1) Exposed to radiation to gain new powers: Write for die roll plus 10 minutes A long dormant gene awakens suddenly: Write 600 words Awesome mentor (and no ‘real’ powers): Do a fifteen minute word war Oh, they were born with it: Do a three digit challenge Genetically engineered that way: Write 10 times WPM

The MC stumbles their way through training and controlling their powers. They complain about the work, but love the results. It still is a struggle trying to continue to appear like things are normal, so you write for an hour as you sympathize with the strain the MC is dealing with

What motivates the MC into becoming the hero of their story? (choose 1) Tragic death of parents/parental figures: Write the amount of words equal to die roll times WPM Being unable to save someone with their powers: Attempt a fifty headed hydra Making the wrong choice with their power: Write 200 words Determination to do what is right not what is easy: Write 50*die roll words

Now the MC makes their first move as hero and thwarts their first evil plot. Write 100*die roll words as they congratulate themselves and feel like they’re on top of the world.

The story continues with the MC repeatedly running into the same antagonist. Write 500 words as they figure out a big plot and scramble to stop it.

Now it’s time for the next story arc the…

The team up

MC is doing their normal thing when something big goes down. Do a three digit challenge as they attempt to go help, but get tripped up along the way, and don’t make the best impression.

A well known group of heroes approaches the MC anyways for help because the MC has a skill/power/ability they don’t. Sprint 20 minutes as the MC thinks about if it would be worth it.

Time for a training and bonding session! Write for 30 minutes plus die roll as the MC gets through it with some really rough stumbling blocks along the way, but they all feel closer by the end.

The first attempt at defeating the villain is a failure, despite all the training and bonding. Something just wasn’t right. Write 1000 words as the MC goes through doubts and then gets a pep talk from the person they look up to the most.

Now the real serious attempt to defeat the villain is coming up, strategies in place, the team tries again. They’re not overconfident this time, but they feel like they have to try anyways. They’re the only ones that can do this. Write double die roll*WPM words as the MC and their team wage an epic battle of wit and power until they win.

The end of the world

The MC had returned to normal life, occasionally teaming up with the other heroes, but much more suited to working alone. Then the alert goes out. Sprint ten minutes as the MC suits up to go help with a serious threat.

The villain of the day, while more serious, is still easy to defeat. However, before being knocked out, the villain reveals that this is just part of a greater plot. Write for fifteen minutes as the MC and others debate whether or not to look further into it.

MC and some others take matters into their own hands despite majority agreement and start investigating. Attempt a fifty headed hydra as they find information that leaves them shaking and then tangled up in a trap.

Now they have to escape and own up to their recklessness. Write for thirty minutes as they get themselves out of the mess and stumble over how to explain themselves and justify it was worth it for the information they got.

There’s another argument about how to handle the situation. More than one person threatens to leave. Write 600 words as the MC steps up and convinces everyone to work together with an inspirational speech and then a solution that takes parts of nearly every idea they had.

The final battle is now upon them. The villainous organization gives them great difficulty, but the MC’s plan involved multi-layers and safeguards with new plans coming into motion as necessary. You’re on the edge of your seat, flicking through scenes quickly. Write for forty-five minutes as the MC sacrifices himself to save the world. The last panel reveals that the MC is alive, to the relief of everyone, including yourself.

The story is over. You close the last comic book and contemplate the series. You wish it had more story arcs and had been more popular. You decide it was worth it anyways, and there were other versions of the comic book out there. Attempt a fifty headed hydra at the discovery that those versions are not the MC you fell in love with! It’s sheer agony to read your MC written another way.

Write a leisurely 200 words as you decide that you will ignore those other versions and just stick with your favorite. You pull the first issue out again and settle back down to reread it.

[coulsonlives]

Now that I got the vfx thing out of my system, I want to cry about ATSV a bit because I left the movie feeling kinda.. disappointed I guess?

I miss the focus of the first movie. It was nice to see more focus on Gwen, but there was wayy too much stretching between Gwen and Miles and like, drip-feeding of the other character's backgrounds and I ended up not really investing in any storyline, Gwen's resonated the most but aside from that I'm like?? Okay I guess.

In the first movie I was rooting for all the characters because I actually got a bit of their motivations/backstory/reason for being there. Here it was like.. okay, they're agents with different quirks from their own universes? But that's not new, we saw that in the first movie, it's not interesting anymore. It just felt like checking off boxes and it took time away from the main characters, where there could've been more foreshadowing about what was really going on with them and Miles. In that way: it felt like an MCU movie. Which isn't a good thing in my book.

I watched ITSV for Marvel, not the MCU. I watched ATSV for the same reason, but I didn't feel like I got that.

The story seemed super flabby, it wasn't anywhere near as tight as the first movie. ATSV lacked the 'charm' of ITSV for most of the movie. Also about the Spot, I could get behind him being in the movie because obviously he's a precipitating event for the movie, but tbh, I got Spider-Man 3 vibes near the end and I'm wondering if they just filled the third movie with too much.. stuff?

Because now you gotta deal with Spot, Spidey 2099, Mile's arc which includes saving his dad, his relationship with Gwen, his relationship with Peter, etc etc. I'm scared. And if some of this is also happening from Gwen's POV.. Or if Gwen also has an arc of her own.. That feels like a lot? There are gonna be two 'big bads' in the third movie, and I feel like they should've downed one of them in ATSV, so the third movie could narrow its focus more.

Gwen's dad's development all happened offscreen. Like, oh, Gwen is gone, now she's back, surprise I miss you <3 and I've missed you this whole time, hugsy time. It felt like a very contrived way to add some kind of resolution to the movie, because otherwise, nothing was gonna be resolved. The payoff just didn't feel earned at all. In ITSV, half the reason the 'What's up Danger' scene hit so hard is because it culminated Mile's development up to that point, we saw him working hard, we saw him struggling before it happened! There was nothing here though, Gwen's dad was in the beginning of the movie, then the end. He kinda just popped back in for an FYI lol, then Gwen was gone again.

That ending, too. I don't mind cliffhangers, but I went in not knowing about that, and wow was the presentation bad. It was like watching five mini endings and not knowing which fcking ending was actually going to cut to the credits, and I was getting whiplash. Cut to Gwen, I thought the movie was gonna end on her, then it cut to Miles thinking well duh the movie will end on him, then cut to Gwen or her dad again, then back to Miles, and omg the amount of face shots of Miles I thought the movie would end on lmfao idk, it didn't work for me at all. LOTR did way better of a job with this because you could tell the movie obviously wasn't gonna end yet because certain things hadn't been addressed yet.

Some of the animation was hard to follow too because there is so so much happening and no real point of focus in some of those shots. If you look away for a moment during certain scenes, you can't really follow what's going on anymore and it takes a few shots to catch up again. Spider-Punk was cool but his shots really suffered from this imo? Just too much janky, pieces-jumping-around shit going on.

Like okay, some parts were cool, I liked some of the shots and Spider-Puss/Cat/Feline had me howling when it hairballed the spiderweb in his face, and the Spideys were characterized pretty good, but idk.

[itsbooktimepeople]

In the Woods

★★★☆☆

Oh my god. The premise of In the Woods is interesting on its own: three children enter the forest, only one is ever seen again, his shoes are covered in blood and he has no memory of what happened. Then twenty years later another child from the same town is found dead on a Bronze-age sacrificial alter, and it appears the two cases might be connected.

This book completely freaked me out. Not that that's hard to do; I'm very easily scared and usually avoid thrillers for that reason; but holy smokes. Fear glued my eyes to the paper, which is why I finished this sucker in two days, and why I stayed awake all of last night, convinced someone would break in and murder me at any given moment. So, judging this book by the emotions it conjures, I'd give it four stars out of five.

And, for the first two thirds of the book, it could have become a five-star book. The beginning was a little shaky, but eventually I stopped thinking of the writing style as pretentious and started appreciating it instead. And, like I mentioned before, the mystery was spot on. I think I was actually shaking during a couple passages, and I loved guessing who was the murderer and what their motive could've been. Everything for the main mystery was set up and explained well, which made it even better.

Enter my issues with the book. Rob, the protagonist, and his best friend and partner, Cassie, were the starring duo of this book in the beginning. I loved their banter, their ease with each other, and their entire dynamic, and best of all there was no romance. But, two thirds in, (view spoiler), which sort of ruined everything. Not because of the romance itself, but because of the way it was handled. Cassie and Rob had felt unshakable before, but afterwords Rob pretty much shut down all Cassie's attempts to bridge the gap, and the worst part? There was no resolution! No apologies, no closure, no conclusion to anyone's character arc. And that was all very frustrating.

And speaking of lack of conclusions, the absolute worst part of this book is that the first mystery, the one where two children went missing, was never solved! Like, if it was just a background thing, that would've been understandable, but literally half the book is spent trying to figure out whether the two murders were related, and evidence suggesting that they could've been connected was found, but then there was no resolution at all. I understand that open ended stories have their literary purpose, but in a murder mystery you expect the detectives to, you know, solve the mystery.

All in all, this could've been a four star book, or even a five star one, had there been any conclusion whatsoever. But alas, In the Woods only leaves me with questions, and not even the good kind. I would not recommend.

[proofthatihaveaheart]

April 2023 Wrap-up

i had covid this month which was a terrible time EXCEPT that when i wasn’t miserable with fever watching chopped, i had a lot of time to read. and i read a lot of good stuff this month. bold + italics for faves

THINGS I READ:

Books:

Babel by R. F. Kuang - What a book!!! It’s one of my favorites from the year so far. The character arcs + relationships, especially Robin’s, are complicated and emotional and excellent. Pair that with the broader themes around the role of academia in colonization and student-led revolutions and the linguistics/history, and you’ve got an excellent reading experience. It’s not subtle in all its messages but it is utterly engrossing and it has a lot to say about violence. Also, the rich details of academia resonated with me - the love/hate relationship, the exam stress, the cohort camaraderie - it’s the most accurate depiction of what academia is like that I’ve read in fiction.

A Day of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon - I LOVED this book. One of my favorites (it was a good month for reading). Just the rich world-building, the amazing characters, the struggle between what is expected of you by others and your personal wants and how each main character fits into this greater theme, DRAGONS, it hits hard.

An Immense World: How Animal Senses Reveal the Hidden Realms Around Us by Ed Yong - Spectacular tour through animal sensory systems and worlds. I learned a lot of cool things that made me appreciate how different species perceive the world around them - and how much we still have yet to learn.

Bury My Heart at Chuck E. Cheese's by Tiffany Midge - humorous essay collection on politics, identity, and life written by a Native woman. overall, it was hit-or-miss for me - some were really fantastic and some fell flat

Die Vol. 2 Split the Party by Kieron Gillen and Stephanie Hans - still very into this comic series. It’s got gorgeous art and messy characters and fun dynamics and really cool ideas playing with rpgs and fantasies and the things people do for their fantasies

Die Vol. 3 The Great Game by Kieron Gillen and Stepahnie Hans - really liked Izzy and Ash’s dynamic in this volume (and in general)

The Marrow Thieves by Cherie Dimaline - I liked this book. Interesting premise that works well with the themes, good focus on family and tradition

Saga Vol. 1 by Brian K. Vaughan - i can see why this is considered a classic. creative and funny with delightful characters. i’m excited to see where the story goes because these first six issues have done a great job setting things up

Fic (all for Arcane):

All the King’s Horses by paxbanana (Cait/Vi, 135k): All the walls come tumbling down. Jinx’s decision triggers catastrophic effects that leave Piltover reeling and Zaun on the brink of war. Vi is desperate to juggle all the broken pieces for Caitlyn and for Powder, but no matter how hard she tries, it’s not coming back together again. Or:  Jinx's attack on Council brings down the whole tower. Vi, Caitlyn, and Jinx struggle with the aftermath. Vi balances being there for Caitlyn and cleaning up some of her sister's mess with finding a way to save her sister. Meanwhile, interested parties from Topside and Bottom plot to take advantage of the situation. [Oh this fic my beloved, the CaitVi dynamic, the mystery, the dialogue, the sister dynamic, I truly love this fic with all my heart.]

THINGS I WATCHED

Movies:

Jurassic Park - my friends and i watched this because it’s the best one and not all of us had seen it. an excellent movie, holds up well

Jurassic World Dominion - and right after watching JP, without having planned it before, someone pitched watching the worst movie in the franchise... we had a lot of fun making fun of it but it was an awful movie

TV:

Chopped

The Last of Us (finished) - excellent adaptation of an excellent game

THINGS I PLAYED

Video games:

Alba: A Wildlife Adventure - charming, adorable, and chill. It’s simple but made for a nice few hours and I really liked all the real birds

Legends of Runeterra

[canariie]

oh my GOODNESS we are in for a treat!

I am super excited to see how you illustrate the Reconciliation of Momo & Toushiro! Considering the current playing of the Thousand Year Blood War Arc, it seems tantamount to that. I can think of no better writer to truly dive in and flesh out all the in between scenes we never got in canon!

more thoughts under the cut!

I think what I appreciated about this was the slowness of the recovery. for me it played out where the concept of time seemed drawn and heavy, like we as a reader could really feel the pain of the recovery for Momo. I think that is definitely something that in the main storyline misses out on, and therefore the audience doesn't accept as much sympathy for her character as I think they should, considering all she went through.

i love LOVE how you dive into Momo's relationship with fire. I think the whole fandom forgets sometime that she is a fire weilder, and it seems that elemental powers are treated with respect in the general universe. and especially as Momo picks herself back and finds her own fire, i find it so refreshing how you really dedicate a lot of time with that part of her character.

also the unease and feeling of being unsettled was such a key emotion to start with, because when we last were with Momo prior to this story there is that feeling of disbelief and incredulity. and those inner thoughts of wondering if people look at her with pity feels so apt as readers because we all had those thoughts. and allowing us to feel the discomfort because she couldn't believe what her captain did was, really sets the start for her recovery.

i really love how the way the dreams insert themselves in between stories; these silent moments of reflection and pause really help establish how much time Momo has on her own where she questions everything she knows, from her powers to the very reason she became a shinigami. i'm such a big fan of Toushiro appearing in her dreams from when he was young and she's grappling with this unknown fire power! for me it ties into the similarity that is him discovering his own powers and i always loved the idea of them mirroring each other in journey's.

the little respite with Nanao was such a lovely touch! i'm always a fan of the female characters having moments together, and i love that the normalcy Momo craves comes in their shared love of books (i'm sure as she moves on past Aizen's association with reading, she'll rely more on Nanao) like bleachbleachbleach said, it was such a lovely tidbit from the Colourful Bleach Bootleg so love it making an appearance here.

its also minor but i love that when she wakes up with the dream of Toushiro, it's the sun rising, which for me as the reader indicates a turning point :) and even though she's rising up, having that relapse of seeing a memento of Aizen bring her crashing down is also something realistic, but not indicative that she can't move on.

also i love what helps her get back on her feet is seeing all her division's officers and how you expand on the betrayal they all felt! i think a lot of readers tend to think it was just Momo that got truly attached but it's nice to see as a collective they support each other to move on, and remind Momo that at the end she is also a vice captain that is meant to lead them :) and i truly love love how the conversation with Tobiume reminds Momo that she had dreams of becoming a shinigami far before she met Aizen, and that her desire to help others is such a strong ethos of her soul.

and that drive to go, even when it's against all the odds, to the living world really ties back to that first interaction we see with Momo who steps into line of fire to save her comrades even though she was a student! i feel like we get to see her old spirit in that moment :) and the way she orchestrates her exit also feels reminiscent of when she escaped her cell (honestly it seems like no one can keep Momo contained haha)

this is such a love letter to her character arc and i love how you took your time with showing her recovery, along with relapses, to finally becoming a truer version of herself by the end! i'm excited to see more and i can think of no better writer to really deliver all the unseen moments :)))

An Unwavering Light - Chapter One

Rating: T/Teen for violence (in certain chapters), coarse language, and mature themes, including ones about trauma and depression.

Setting: begins before the confrontation with Aizen and co. in Fake Karakura Town arc, and goes from there to the manga's end.

Music to listen to: Swan Song by Shiro Sagisu (YT | Spotify), Compassion by Shiro Sagisu (YT | Spotify) Recollection I (YT | Spotify), II (YT | Spotify), and III (YT | Spotify) by Shiro Sagisu, Spiritual Bond by Shiro Sagisu (YT | Spotify), Here to Stay by Shiro Saigsu (YT | Spotify), and Ceremony Commences by Shiro Sagisu (YT | Spotify).

Synopsis: During the confrontation against Aizen, the unthinkable happens. For Hitsugaya, a vow is broken, and for Hinamori, her future is unknown. With everything in shambles, how can they piece their lives back together? Or their bond?

AN: And so it begins. This has been years in the making, starting very close to when I first read BLEACH. Thank you to everyone who voted in my last poll, where the story of Toshiro and Momo's reconciliation was the winner.

For those who haven't been following me, this fic is primarily about how Toshiro and Momo reconcile after Aizen's defeat. While this will be a chaptered story, I aim to write most of these chapters as though they could be standalone fics, so if you haven't reach the previous chapter, you hopefully don't feel out of the loop.

This story will be a long one (at this stage, I’ve planned for about 20 chapters, but we’ll see how we go) and is based on this massive list of headcanons I wrote last year. It will include scenes from other fics I’ve written (and were inspired by/based on the headcanon list to an extent) but either from another character’s perspective or changed in some ways.

This first chapter was a hard one to write. I have never really explored what happened to Hinamori in the months leading up the Fake Karakura Town arc, but I knew it would involve coming to terms with her trauma and accepting, in part, that Aizen was not the man she thought. It would also involve her having to find the strength to go confront him on the battlefield. I hope I did her justice in this chapter.

Finally, the figurines Hinamori has in her room are based on these dolls from Usaburo.

With all of that out of the way, let's get started! I hope you all enjoy this!

Disclaimer: BLEACH and it’s character’s belong to Tite Kubo.

Next chapter >> Coming soon

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She was surrounded by darkness. She turned – or at least, thought she’d moved to turn – to search around her. She open her mouth to speak to the void around her, but heard no voice come from her throat. There was nothing to feel, hear, smell or see.

Has she done it right? The instructor had warned her she may not get there until another few attempts.

Then, after a blink, something small and bright sprun to life. Even from the long distance she stood at, she knew it was flames, resembling a campfire. She frowned when she couldn’t see any wood or kindling burning, the fire simply burning on it’s own.

She’d always been wary of fire, especially when it was not one within a firepit or a lantern, but she knew in her gut this one was not like others. When the voice comes form the flames, a whisper that gradually becomes a call, she stepped towards it.

_________________________________________

The curtains flutter in the gentle breeze, brushing over the windowsill in slow, undulating waves. Outside, one the division’s zanjutsu instructors yells commands at those in his class, nearly obscuring the chirping of a nearby bird and the chattering of officers that pass by underneath the window.

Hinamori listens to all of this and watches the shadows of the curtains dance across her quilt. There’s something hypnotic about it, almost meditative.

She wants to stay in this trance, be lost in it for a few moments longer. Her head is heavy, but empty for once. She doesn’t let any particular thought stick or take hold, just lets it be vague and pass by until it fades, like the afterimage of a bright streak of light.

But one thought persists. A memory, too recent and fresh to forget. She let’s it go by, but it keeps coming back, trying to get her attention.

It’s a minute later when a leaf blows in, landing on the quilt, just below her knees. She frowns at it, and her furrow only deepens when another joins it. They’re different shades; one a golden brown, the other flame red. Autumn is here, but it only felt like summer yesterday.

She tries following the curtains’ shadows again, but the leaves broke her concentration, and the memory creeps closer and closer, until it’s all she reflects on.

Hitsugaya’s face comes to mind, eyes wide and lips parted, speechless at first. It had been the first time she’d properly seen him in weeks – not in streaks of color while rushing at him with her sword raised, or at a distance while following him to Central Forty-Six. Ad she's stood before the screen, sorrow and guilt had outweighed the small flutter of gratitude that he didn’t turn his back on her. The way his expression had softened to one of concern, it makes her heart ache just as much now as it did then.

He cared, even after everything she did against him, he cared.

When he’d told her, in his own way, that an apology for her actions wasn’t needed, she’d never felt so relieved in all her life. She wouldn’t blame him for not forgiving her, but she didn’t know what she’d do if he hadn’t. She dreaded the idea of them growing apart and becoming strangers to each other.

She’d never thought of a life without Hitsugaya, as if somehow he would always be there until the very end.

But then, she’d never thought of a life without Aizen either.

And it was this same way of thinking that had led her to asking Hitsugaya to not kill her captain – former captain, she tries to correct. Her request had broken what little peace there’d been between them, and she’d become so lost in trying to justify it to him and to herself she doesn’t remember how Hitsugaya’s face looked, nor did she notice Yamamoto cast hakufuku on her. When she next awoke, it was in her room, with Isane at her side.

With a deep breath in, one that lifts her shoulders and chest, some of that weight in her head shifts, coming forward to make her neck crane forward. She had been granted an opportunity to make things right, and she had wasted it.

Yet, for all of her guilt for her actions against Hitsugaya and others, and for the shame of losing control in front of the Captain Commander, she can’t shake off the belief Aizen never meant for any of this.

Someone had to be controlling him, or something must have overcome him and compelled him to turn his back on all of them. She knew him. She had been by side for most of the time she was his lieutenant. He had told her things some of the other officer never knew – his favorite books, about the house he grew up in, memories of his student years at the Academy, even his favorite stalls in the Junrinan. Surely he would never do something so harsh without a good reason. He’d always said that to fight for something right and good you sometimes had to go against the laws set up others, after all.

But it doesn’t stop it from making it right that he'd left her behind. How could he have left Fifth Division behind? Why had he?

A knock breaks her reverie. Her throat is coarse from heavy breathing, and her hands on verge of cramping from clutching her quilt.

“It’s Funai-kun and I, Lieutenant,” comes Takagaki’s voice from behind her door.

Hinamori shakes her head and clears her throat, trying to take out the nerves out of her tone. Then, she manages to lift her lips into a smile. “Come in.”

Takagaki slides the door open, allowing Funai to walk in with Hinamori's lunch on a tray. Both are Fifteenth seat in the Fifth Division. If they saw any of her previous anxiety, they didn’t betray it with their own polite smiles.

“I hope we didn’t disturb you,” Takagaki says, trailing into the room.

Hinamori shakes her head. “It’s all right, I was getting a little peckish actually.”

“Guess we came just in time,” Funai chuckles. “Takagaki-san here made your meal today.”

Takagaki looks away, a slight flush colouring her cheeks. “I’m not a great cook, not like others in the Division. I hope it tastes okay.”

“I’m sure it’ll taste great,” Hinamori reassures. “You’ve been taking lessons from Hanae-san from Tenth Division, right?”

Both Funai and Takagaki blink at that.

“Y-Yes,” Takagaki eventually answers. “It’s been me and a group of other seated officers. He’s taught us a lot since we started.” Her smile returns, now thoughtful. “Um…thank you for remembering, Lieutenant.”

Hinamori’s lips widen into a grin. She tries to remember small things about her subordinates, and she at least still has that ability with her now.

Takagaki nods to Funai. “I better get back to the kitchens. I’ll leave the rest to you.” Then, she bows to Hinamori. “I hope you enjoy your lunch, Lieutenant Hinamori. Please let me know if there’s anything not to your liking.”

“I doubt that will be the case. Thank you for preparing my meal.”

After Takagaki leaves the room and Funai starts to lower the tray, a stronger gust of wind blows through. It gives him pause; then, he spies the leaves. “Apologies, Lieutenant, I didn’t see them until now.”

“It’s all right. The wind is pretty strong, I suppose,” Momo offers lamely. “I should’ve picked them up before."

Funai only chuckles nervously and puts the tray on top of her set of drawers. He picks up the leaves and throws them back outside, then goes to lean forward and close the windows.

Hinamori raises a hand. “No, allow me. I should’ve done this earlier.” She pulls the quilt aside and angles over to the window. While pushing the curtains aside and closing the windows, she tries to ignore the disquiet stare boring into the back of her head. It’s as though she is a fragile vase, at risk of tipping over.

He’s being kind, she chastises to herself, he cares about you. Everyone here does.

Windows closed, she sits back again and Funai visibly relaxes.

“How is everyone?” Hinamori asks, trying to distract both herself and him. “I could hear one of the instructors out there before. Sounds like he’s working everyone hard.”

Funai retrieves her lunch and lays the tray over her lap. “He certainly is. Everyone is keen to learn, of course.” He shrugs. “Otherwise, it’s business as usual. I’m sure Isawa-san could fill you in on more details.”

Hinamori nods. After giving thanks for the meal, she takes up the chopsticks. “Have you been drawing or painting lately?”

The answering smile is similar to Takagai’s one from earlier. “Ah, no, not recently. I haven’t found much inspiration lately.”

Hinamori frowns while taking up a heap of rice. “I hope it’s not because of work.”

“Oh, no! Of course not!” The nervous edge to his voice says otherwise. “It’s just a dry time for my art, that’s all. I’ll find a bit of inspiration at when I have time, you know how it is.”

It takes everything within Hinamori to not let her mind wonder to the implication he’d unintentionally brought up. Still, her gaze briefly darts to the sketchbooks lining the bottom shelf of her bookcase. Something flickers across Funai's face, akin to a look of horror, but at her unfaltering smile, he manages to hide it with a clearing of his throat and looking off to the side. “A-Anyway, I’ll leave you be. I’m sure you’ll want to eat in peace, and I have to find Hirose-chan.”

Hinamori blinks at the honorific. Had they gotten closer? She has to resist the urge to grin, the previous pang of darkness falling back, while picking up a tamagoyaki. “Her gardening group, I suppose?”

“Yeah, just maintenance this time.” He gestures to the window. “Being autumn and all, not many plants we can put in the ground, I guess. Not that I know much about gardening.”

Hinamori chuckles. “That is for Hirose-san to know.” She bows her head at the same time he does. “Thank you for bringing me lunch. Please tell Takagaki-san it’s delicious.”

“I will.”

“And…”Hinamori raises her head. “I hope you find inspiration soon. Please remember to not strain yourself with work.”

Funai gives a tense nod. “Thank you, Lieutenant.”

Hinamori watches him leave, not returning to her meal until the door closes. She’s lost her appetite, but doesn’t want to leave the dishes empty. With the window closed, the orders of the zanjutsu instructor are muffled, the wind swooshes against the walls, and save for her chewing and the clinking over chopsticks to bowls and plates, all is silent in her room.

It leaves her with nothing to do by ruminate, and that all too familiar heavy haze sets back into her head.

__________________________________

You do not need pity.

The room is dark save for a thin beam of moonlight cast on the wall. It had been silent until now, and Hinamori can’t remember what she’d been thinking about for the last few hours.

She twists on to her left side, facing Tobiume. Her zanpakuto is propped up against the wall, next to her set of drawers, the hilt shining dully.

 It’s coming from a good place, Hinamori responds. They mean well, and they care.

Even so, pity is not what you need, Tobiume argues. They should see you as the leader now that he’s gone.

A pang runs through Hinamori’s chest. Even the implication of him hurts. I’m not fit to lead.

Because you haven’t done anything to change things! Simmering heat radiates of the blade. We need to do something, or else we’re stuck here!

“I know I should! You don’t have to…” Her eyes burn with the threat of tears. Tobiume has been more temperamental than usual in the last few days. You’re angry with me.

The heat falters, and gradually cools to a warmth like that off a candle. No, I’m not. I want to see you get better.

Hinamori sighs. Pushing her quilt aside, she slides out of bed and kneels before her weapon. She ignores how much effort all of her movements seem to take, as if someone had tied weights to her limbs.

“I’m sorry it’s taking me so long,” she rasps. “I want to get better, but I don’t know how. It’s all so confusing.” She stares down at her knees, her forehead almost touching Tobiume’s scabbard. “You’ve always been there for me, and I take it for granted.”

You’re stronger than you realise, master. Do not doubt your skills.

Hinamori shuts her eyes and remains silent. It feels like everything she had learned and improved on is gone, vanished like Aizen. It's as if he took them with him, and all that is left within her is everything weak.

This is why you do not need pity. You risk stewing in it. If you continue to lie here, your mind and skills will grow dull, but they’ll never vanish. You’re strong, and you can always be stronger, but you are still strong. You need to show them you are not broken.

Hinamori sighs wryly. “It wouldn’t be the truth though. How can I be strong when all I want is for everything to back to what it was before?”

And with that she stands and returns to her bed. Tobiume is silent for the rest of the night.

__________________________________

Aizen is always in her dreams. Sometimes they start with him as the benevolent captain she knew, then he morphs into the cold figure that stood over her while she bled out. Other time, he has morphed into something monstrous, grinning at her and telling her she’ll never leave him, that she’s too devoted to him.

Waking from these nightmares becomes less of a shock with each one.

__________________________________

“The gardens are looking great.”

Genji raises his head from the paperwork he holds. “Hm?”

Hinamori points out the window to the next courtyard over. “I’m guessing that’s Hirose-san and her group’s work. It looks like they removed some plants and trimmed the bushes.”

Genji smirks. “It took quite a bit of effort. I may have been dragged into it too.”

Hinamori chuckles for the first time in weeks. “She has a way of pulling us into it, doesn’t she?”

Setting aside her longing to be with her division members with a sigh, she turns back to Genji. Ever since she began her recovery, he would visit every few days, sometimes bringing her a meal, other times just to check in on her and converse about casual going-ons  happening around the division.

Today, however, she couldn’t help but be hopeful when he entered with the documents in hand. “Did you need me to look over those papers?”

“No,” Genji says, shaking his head with too much vigor. “These are just my notes from today’s Lieutenant’s meeting. I believe you should know what was discussed.”

“Oh…” Again, she has to set aside her disappointment, this time with a forced smile. “Then, please tell me.”

Genji shifts the chair – a new piece of furniture that’d come not long after it was decided she needed to rest and recover in her room -- closer to Hinamori’s bed and tilts the documents for both of them to see. As he speaks, he points to the relevant lines for her to read. “We have been asked to take on more surveillance in our jurisdiction. Given recent…events, the Captain Commander felt it was best to maintain a watchful eye over all areas of the Soul Society and World of the Living to ensure the Arrancars don’t breach any of the recent kido defenses we’ve put up.”

Hinamori frowns. “These numbers…he wants more than half of the Division’s performing these duties.”

Genji only nods.

“But what if they’re needed for…?” The thought of the impending conflict makes her stomach churn.

Genji sighs through his nose. “There hasn’t been any intel from Twelfth Division about when that battle may be. They still predict it will occur in winter.”

Hinamori presses her lips together, and in the silence, tries to banish the memory of her asking Hitsugaya to not kill Aizen. She tries to understand why this strategy bothers her, as though something were missing. No, as though something were being kept away from her. “We have to be prepared by then. The zanjutsu and kido lessons won’t be enough.”

Genji’s shoulder tense a fraction. He doesn’t meet her gaze as she says, “Yes, of course, Lieutenant.”

“Oh, no, I…” She raises a hand, tempted to lay it on Genji’s shoulder, but then thinks better of it. “That wasn’t a critique of how you’re running the Division! You’re doing an exceptional job, especially given the circumstances. I feel much better knowing you’re leading everyone right now. I don’t intend to keep you in such a position for long, though, and I’m sorry this is the way things have turned out. I want to support you, however I can.”

Genji is slow to smile, and his eyes become glassy. Hinamori senses it’s not from sorrow or concern. He bows his head to her. “Thank you, Lieutenant. But please, continue to rest and recover. Everyone is cheering you on.”

Hinamori swallows against the tightness building up in her throat. “Thank you. I’ll keep doing my best.”

__________________________________

The occasional whispers don’t escape her. Whether they’re just outside her door or window, or a simple look exchanged between two of her officers, she knows what they’re not saying to her

“I heard the Lieutenant is still unwell. I hope she gets better soon.”

“I only transferred to the Division a week before Aizen’s betrayal. It’s so sad here.”

“I wish Captain Aizen were here.”

“How can you say that?!”

“Isawa-san seems really tired these days.”

“Did you hear about the new plan? You think they’re trying to distract us from the war?”

“The Lieutenant seems to be in a bad way.”

“Don’t talk so harshly! Lieutenant Hinamori will recover, she’s strong. She'll definitely get better."

“…But what if she doesn’t?”

__________________________________

Why had she become a Shinigami?

It’s a question that floats to the surface of Hinamori’s mind almost every night while she tries to sleep. Every time, she pushes it away, afraid of how the answer will lead to Aizen.

__________________________________

Hinamori dreams of the first time she saw Tobiume. She’d come to her as a fire, small but steady, in middle of a dark space. When she’d walked towards it, Hinamori gradually felt dry grass beneath her feet, and her arms brushed branches and leaves. The air was cold, but warmed as she neared the flames. The strongest smell was of burning wood, but beneath it is the slightest hint of something sweeter and floral.

A voice had wafted from it, a whisper at first, then growing louder as she approached the fire. She couldn’t comprehend what the voice was telling her at the time, but she knew she needed to listen, that whatever it said was important.

When she came to a stop, the flames continued to dance in front of her, memorizing and strangely familiar. Going against every instinct she’d had from childhood, she reached out to the scorching heat. To her surprise – and a disappointment didn’t understand – the fire lurched away from her. She leaned further in, and still it avoided her, diving in and around her hand no matter which way she angled it.

The voice had stopped too, and save for the sizzling and crackling of the flames, there was silence.

When Hinamori wakes from this, she doesn’t feel relieved to have had a dream for once that wasn’t about Aizen. She dwells on the silence until it’s buzzing in her ears.

__________________________________

Though Hinamori rarely does so, she’s allowed to leave her room for brief periods. For her visit from Nanao today, she meets her in the Division's gardens. Sitting on a bench under a Japanese maple, the sun is warm on her face and hands and the breeze, though cool, is gentle. It's not usually this warm in September, but she's glad for it. It’s been a long time since she was outside, and she takes in long breaths of fresh air.

For a moment she wonders why she didn’t step outside more often, but maybe it was the nature of the restrictions put on her. It was meant to ensure her recovery, that she wouldn’t strain herself by going to far and making herself more fatigued than she already is. She can’t help but think it’s for another reason, one she dismisses quickly.

“I think you’ll find this one interesting for it’s plot.”

Hinamori takes the book from Nanao. “Petals on the Wind. It looks…different.”

“It’s from the World of the Living,” Nanao explains. “I got it when I was posted on a mission last time. It has an intriguing mystery that kept me guessing and a slow build up for the relationship between the two main characters. There’s references to events and devices from the World of the Living, however, so you may need to set it aside every now and then to do some research.”

Hinamori places it atop of the latest editions of Seireitei Communication at her side, then gestures to the second book Nanao holds, Another World Through a Flower Pot. “And that one?”

“It’s written by a former officer of the Ninth Division. It’s about the lives of two women, one from our world and the other from another world, who can communicate with each other through a flower pot.” At Hinamori’s raised brows, Nanao chuckles. “I know, it sounds strange, but it was oddly touching. Trust me, you’ll like it.”

“I trust your judgement.” Hinamori takes the other book and puts both of them in her lap. “Thank you for these, I really appreciate it. I’ve run out of books to read in my room.”

“It’s no trouble, I had a feeling that would be the case. You've always been a fast reader.” Nanao adjust her glasses, raising them further up the bridge of her nose. Behind them, her eyes are soft with sympathy. “We miss you at the Women’s Association meetings, and I miss our discussions about books.”

“Well, you’ll have to come by again once I finish reading these.” She pats the stack of books. “ I miss our discussions too, I don't get to talk about what I read with a lot of people. I’ll be sure to send a message to you when I’m done reading these.”

“Please do.” Nanao's smile slowly falls and she looks to the side, rueful. “I’m sorry, but I have to return to the barracks. Captain Kyoraku and I have to go over some reports, and you know how he can be.”

Hinamori can’t help but sigh. Despite the obvious hesitations from her fellow lieutenant – in her pauses before she spoke and the concern she would catch in her gaze at certain points --  this short time with her had been the closest thing to normal she’d experience in months.

“I understand,” she says while they both rise from the bench.

Nanao pauses mid turn. Pursing her lips, she looks back to Hinamori. “I know I asked before, but…are you really all right?”

Hinamori forces a smile. “I know how it may seem, but I really am much better than before. I’ll be back to my duties before you know it.”

Nanao puts on a forced smile of her own, unable to hide the concern from her eyes. “Of course.”

“I’m afraid I can’t accompany you to the main entrance, I’ve been told I shouldn’t go any further than the main barracks and it’s courtyards.”

“It’s quite all right, I’ll see myself out.” Nanao bows to her. “It was good to see you. I’ll be sure to visit when you've read the books."

“I’ll look forward to it.”

Hinamori watches her leave. As soon as her friend is out of sight, she falls back against the bench. This fatigue isn’t getting any better, but the weight in her mind is floating somewhere far away. She tries to keep it that way as she straightens and slowly returns to her room.

__________________________________

While reading the Seireitei Communication that evening, Hinamori gets stuck on the haiku poem submissions from Izuru. They all speak of nature, but differ in certain ways; one is about change, another about autumn, and another about the unknowable quality forests can have. As always, she enjoys them and can understand why he has a following for his writing.

She sometimes extends her sense to check on his reiatsu. When she can sense it, it’s as she’s always known it: a strange swirl, dark and weighed down, but not unfriendly.

She wonders if he ever contemplates coming to see her. She’d been told he came to visit her a twice while she was unconscious in Fourth Division. She’ll apologise for her actions when she next sees him. Knowing him, he will too.

Maybe they’ll just pick up where they left off, discussing their divisions’ matters and then move on to their hobbies or how they can get Renji to come with them for a dinner. They can reminisce about their Academy days. But given what' happened, can they still do that?

No, she knows, it can’t be like that. They’re changed now. She considers him a friend still, and if him visiting her was any indication, he still does too, but there’s no telling what their friendship will look like now.

Maybe, if she’s brave enough and can see it won’t affect him too harshly, she can ask him how he’s coping with Ichimaru’s betrayal. It will be to comfort him as a friend, but selfishly, it’ll also be to see if she can learn anything from him. Did he have nightmares about what happened? Did he still cling to how Ichimaru used to be? Did he wonder why he betrayed them or believe he had a good reason to?

She shakes her head. She won't burden him with such questions. She already does it to herself, and it only makes her head heavy and her mind spiral far away from the present.

__________________________________

She often asks Genji if he’s heard word about how the advance team are doing in the World of the Living. He always shakes his head and says, “Nothing yet, Lieutenant.”

Why had they not received word from them? Were they struggling? Were they communicating with the Soul Society at all? They must be, otherwise there’d be rumblings amongst the captains and lieutenants and a new team would be sent to retrieve them. Was the information they were sharing something only the Captain-Commander is meant to know?

Sighing through her nose, Hinamori takes a sip of the tea Genji had brought her and leans back against her pillow. She watches the rainfall outside and listens to it pattering on the roof. It must be this weather that has her thinking about Hitsugaya.

The last time she saw him arises in her mind again. This time, however, she tries to recall his surroundings. She’d been so focused on him, they’re blurry, but she remembers a window and a floor similar to the ones in the Soul Society. There was a cabinet behind him, with photos on top and other items. Was there a small shrine there too?

Then there as what he wore. It was the first time she saw him wear anything from the World of the Living. If not for the gravity of the situation, she would’ve dwelled more on how strange he looked. She’s grown so accustomed him to seeing him in uniform and with his haori. Without them, he’s closer to looking like the Soul she first met the in Jurinan.

To think he’d once never wanted to be a Shinigami. He’d planned on staying with his Granny, taking care of her and their house. She wasn’t blind to the way he was treated, it dawned on her not long after she was seen with him in public. She never understood why he was ostracized by her friends and the Junrinan's residents, but in more recent years, she began to wonder if his powers had something to do with it.

Bowing her head, she looks at her reflection in the tea. She’s not like the girl from the Junrinan she once was. She seems so far away now, almost forgotten. Where did she go?

__________________________________

That night she again dreams of when Tobiume first came to her. Only this time, Hitsugaya is on the opposite side of the flames. He looks like how he did when they were children, his young face and his green yukata illuminated by the firelight. He looks into the flames, and doesn’t respond when she calls out his name.

He only takes notice of her when she’s at the fire.

“What’re you doing here?” she asks. She blinks at the sound of her voice. She sounds younger and looking down at her arms, they're shorter and her fingers lack callouses.

 “You told me to come here,” he says, like it should be obvious.

She frowns at him. “I did?”

He slowly walks around the fire to stand at her side. “The others couldn’t make it,” he says, folding his arms. “They’re too busy.”

“Others?”

“Ayumi and Tatsukichi.”

“Oh…Why did I want us to gather here?”

His brow furrows deeper and gives a stuff shrug.

Hinamori looks around, but the firelight only shows the two them. “Did I also ask Kira-kun, Abarai-kun, and Rangiku-san to come?”

 “Who?”

“They’re my friends too.”

“I don’t know them.”

She doesn’t know why she asked. This is clearly a Hitsugaya from the past, but there’s something about him that doesn’t quite fit how she knew him at this age.

He jerks his chin at the fire. “This thing doesn’t like me.”

She blinks. “What do you mean?”

He pulls the sleeve back from his arm and raises it. There are rivulets of water running down his skin. “See?”

She acts on instinct and grabs his wrist to pull him away. She freezes when can sense rather see another presence. She subtly tries to search, but Hitsugaya still sighs. “What’s got you distracted?”

“Don’t move, Hitsugaya-kun.”

“Ha, you finally call me by name.”

“Shh!” Then, quieter. “There’s someone else here.”

Rather than the roll of his eyes and comment about her being paranoid like she expects, his eyes widen and his posture tenses. This alertness reminds her of the Hitsugaya she knows in the present. “Where?”

“I’m not sure, but they’re here.”

She can sense they intend to harm them. Heart racing, she thinks to search for a weapon but can’t see anything. She could feel around for and break off a root or a branch, but she knows it’ll be useless against whatever this is.

The fire, as if picking up on her panic, has become erratic. The flames dance in every direction and grow taller, twisting around as embers fly high into the darkness and fall around them.

Then it comes to her, as if it were the most obvious solution.

“Hitsugaya-kun, we need to get into the fire!”

Hitsuagaya, stares at her as if she’s lost her mind. “What?!”

She’s already backing herself into it, and with her grip on his wrist, she’s pulling him towards it.

“Let go of me, Hinamori!” he yells, struggling to get out of her grip.

“It’ll be okay, Shiro-chan,” she tries to reassure, even she feels her hand slicken with the water forming on his arm.

Her back is scorching when she back steps into the fire. Just as she knew, it doesn’t burn her. It feels right to be in here. She stops halfway in. “This fire will protect you,” she promises. “It’ll never hurt you.”

“We can’t go in there!” he yells. "You need to get out of there!"

It’s as if she snaps out of a trance. Despite how right it feels to be in these flames, it’s wrong to bring him in here. As a tear falls down her cheek. she releases her grip. Hitsugaya's arm, having struggles to break free, goes flying in an arc. Water drops fly off his limb and evaporate in the hot air.

This fire was ignited by her, but it’s not for her. It’s not Tobiume. The realization comes to her as a flare of pain races up from the soles of her feet up to her head. Then, from the darkness, another hand clasps Hitsugaya’s wrist. With a scream, she tries to reach for Hitsugaya from the flames. Her hand, though whole, feels as if it’s on fire.

“No!” she screams Hitsugaya struggles out of the being's grip. “Let him go!”

Hitsugaya repeatedly smacks and kicks the attacker behind him, showing none of the combat training he'd learned for decades. It does nothing to loosen the grip they have on him. Then, above his head, there’s a cold smile from the being.

“I’m sorry!” she cries out to Hitsugaya as the being's face comes into the fire light. “I’m sorry!”

Hinamori flings up from her sleep with a strangled sound caught in her throat. Her arms are out in front, as if still reaching for her childhood friend. She stumbles into the bathroom to wash the thin sheen of sweat from her face and shaky arms. After changing into new robes, she lies back down a few minutes later.

She stares at the ceiling, watching it turn from dark grey to pale yellow as the sun rises.

__________________________________

The next day, Hirose, one of the Division’s Twelfth seats, comes by with a bunch of flowers. Hinamori can’t help but grin when receiving them, her mood lifting for an instance at the sight of the bright chrysanthemums and cosmos.

For a moment, there’s a sense of the old normality, but she tries to not let it stray too far into the past as she chats with her subordinate. It becomes harder when Hirose spots a vase on her bookcase and uses it to put the flowers into. It’s one she’d bought many years ago. She had hoped to one day put it on her desk when she became a Lieutenant, but it never left her old or current quarters.

__________________________________

It’s three days later when Hinamori is in the middle of reading one of Nanao’s novel and she remembers Rangiku’s birthday was yesterday. She hasn’t returned from her mission in the World of the Living, that gave Hinamori some time to think about what to give her when she was back. She can’t go out and buy anything, and she doesn’t want to trouble her officers with buying something on her behalf.

Hinamori puts the books aside, then with some effort, rises and slips out of her bed. On unsteady legs she comes to her bookcase. She’d read most of the novels stacked on the shelves, but would Rangiku be interested in any of them? She isn’t much a reader, and what little she does read is often limited to magazines and short novels packed with either melodrama or light-hearted content. None of Hinamori’s books contain either of those things, and the only magazines she had were old copies of the Seireitei Communication – ones that feature articles or creative contributions from her friends.

She glances at the purple vase on the middle shelf, still with Hirose’s flowers in it. A few days on, they’re beginning to lose their vitality, with several petals already drooping and fading in colour, and their sweet scent is developing a sour undercurrent.

Next to it are tiny figurines, a gift from Hitsugaya and Rangiku for her birthday a few years ago. They are of a boy, short-haired and in a blue kimono, and a girl, pig-tailed and in a floral white and red kimono. Their proportions are reduced to two spheres each – smaller ones for their heads and bigger ones for their bodies. They stand next to her each on their tiny platform and beam at her. For a moment, she can’t help but smile back at them. To this day, they still remind her of her and Hitsugaya when they were children. She’d even been tempted to paint the boys hair white not long after receiving them, but was too embarrassed by the idea.

There’s nothing here she wants to part with, and she scolds herself of even thinking of giving Rangiku something she has here rather than give her something new.

Her gaze floats down to and lingers on the sketchbooks on the bottom shelf. Perhaps she can draw her something, but what? Hinamori had always wanted Rangiku to sit for her to draw her portrait. Or maybe a simple letter, apologising for actions and telling her how much her friendship means in times like this. It isn’t much, but it will have to do for now.

Withholding a wince, she bends down and takes out the newest sketchbook. As she straightens, she opens to a blank page. But it’s not. It’s of a drawing, one that gives her pause. Then, sends a wave of nausea through her and a slip of cold rippling her back. Her breath catches in her throat, and she drops the book as if were on fire.

It doesn’t snap shut, falling with the portrait facing up. One of many, she knows. She stumbles back to her bed, almost tripping over her own feet and unable to look away from her drawing of Aizen. He smiles serenely at her, that peaceful expression she always associated with him. She barely hears Tobiume’s cries over her heart racing in her ears. In that moment, the memory of him smiling coldly at her overlays it for a flash.

She collapses on to her bed, then scrambles for the window and throws it open, heaving a lungful of air. She fights against the urge to throw up, covering her mouth.

“Lieutenant!”

Higuchi, her Seventh's seat, and Genji stand in the courtyard below her window, doused in the orange light of the setting sun and in the middle of a conversation until she forced her window open. In her peripheral, officers and new recruits had been trailing into the main barracks, but stopped at Genji’s alarmed cry.

“Hold on, I’ll be there!” Genji calls out as he rushes to the nearest barracks entrance. Higuchi hesitates, then sprints to follow his superior. Most of the officers and recruits move on, but a few linger, exchanging worried and knowing glances.

When Genji and Higuchi reach her room, Higuchi guides her to her bathroom. Still, Hinamori peers over her shoulder at Genji. He stares at the sketchbook on the floor, unmoving and unblinking, wide-eyed. Slowly, he picks it up. Sorrow flickers across his face, but as Higuchi leaves her and shuts the door behind himself -- upon her weak instance to do so -- her Third seat’s face turns to something stony.

She wishes she had Genji’s strength.

The next several minutes pass in a blur. She emerges from the bathroom several minutes later, her stomach emptied and a foul taste lingering in her mouth despite washing it out. While Higuchi helps her settle back in, Genji hurriedly leaves and returns with a glass of water. She has no appetite and requests that noone prepare her dinner. Higuchi, ever paternal, still insists on at least a bowl of chestnut rice, and too fatigued to put up a fight, she agrees to it.

It’s not until her officers reluctantly leave the room she notices the sketchbook has been put back in it’s place. She can’t stand to look at any of them. How foolish she’d been. Had she not been hesitant to look at them weeks ago?

He’s in all of them. And not just there; he’d given her some of the novels lining her shelves, with small messages written on the first page of each.

Tomorrow, she’d ask Genji to move them and the sketchbooks into her closet. She tries to ignore the thought of her cowardice, that she would ask another to this instead of doing it herself. She wants to cry, but can’t find the strength to do so.

At some point, an officer brings her a small bowl of chestnut rise. She doesn't take a mouthful until it’s gone cold and the sky has darkened to night. When another officer comes back, it’s not even half eaten. It sits in her stomach, lying there like she does. Suspended somewhere, heavy and immoveable.

That night Hinamori watches her alarm clock tick over from the last day of September to the first day of October. Another month closer to winter.

__________________________________

Ever since the incident with the sketchbook, she has lain in bed doing little but eat and sleep. She couldn’t even focus on reading or having conversations with officers who came to visit or bring her meals. Genji never brought up the sketchbook, and like others, he became more wary of his words and his gaze ranged from pity to disquiet, more obvious than before.

Isane comes to check on her every few days. They check her physical condition, then she asks her the usual questions designed to her to speak her mind. She's more happy to see her friend than she is divulge how she feels; it should feel as though she were getting things off her chest and letting go of the weights in her mind and limbs. It helps in the moment, but when Isane leaves and Hinamori is left alone, it returns quickly.

She’s never been so tired in her life, nor so heavy in the mind. It becomes worse at night, especially when everyone but her is asleep.

Now, two weeks from the incident, it's no different. She stares out at the gap between the curtains, searching for the stars between the gaps in the clouds.

She faintly recalls star gazing with Hitsugaya when they were children, and even more recently. It's had been last year on her birthday, with her and her other friends. They'd all gone out to dinner, but Hitsugaya only joined them for the stargazing. To see everyone there, happy to be with each other, knowing they could turn to each other when needed, it made the moment one of the happiest memories she has.

It stands in stark contrast to now. Can they go back to days like that? No, not go back. Can days like that happen again in the future?

The thought does not bring the usual self-pity and hopelessness. It sparks something at the back her mind. It's enough to make her want to move.

With what little strength she has, she slides to the edge of her bed and reaches for Tobiume. In the silence, her zanpakuto’s reiatsu becomes a small fire, warm and comforting. The fact she does this, after barely speaking a word to her master, makes a lump form in Hinamori’s throat.

Taking her weapon, she scoots away from the edge, rolls on to her opposite side and lays her zanpakuto over her comforter. Keeping a hand on the scabbard, she shuts her eyes. Tears fall from them not long after.

Hours later, she sleeps without dreams. She wonders if Tobiume somehow blocked them from her, or maybe, she’d reached a state where she’s too afraid to dream but too exhausted to force herself away from rest.

Regardless, she sleeps through the whole night for the first time in months.

__________________________________

It’s a surprisingly warm day, with a gentle breeze blowing through her room and not a cloud in the sky.

Rather than watch the shadows of the dancing curtains, Hinamori closes her eyes and enjoys the warmth. It penetrates through her skin, touching her bones. A glimmer of peace briefly sparks in her heart. It’s like rediscovering a lost but fond memory, or coming back to an old friend.

She at once clings to that ember of peacefulness, but also allows the lump her throat to form and the tears to quietly course down her face. They are not the same as ones she’d shed last night or in the last few weeks when she was alone. They are not of guilt or sadness or hopeless or denial.

Something freeing, something that felt like the unlocking of a door, but not yet the opening of it.

__________________________________

“They’ve really improved with their kido. Even so, I know they miss you’re training lessons.”

Hinamori smiles out at the field of recruits practicing their kido on targets against the far wall. It's most natural smile she's given in a while.

“I miss giving demonstrations,” she admits to Genji. “They’ve all come a long way, the instructor has been teaching them well.”

He grins. “I’ll be sure to pass that feedback on to him.”

They stand above the training grounds on one of the balconies. Even though her mood had been low, Hinamori decided that morning she needed to leave her room. Genji had been hesitant at first, but she brought him around when she reminded him of Isane's recommendation that she get fresh air whenever she felt up to walking around.

Even so, he'd given her a blanket to wrap around her shoulders against the cold winds. It ruffles in the wind now, and she’d rather throw it off, but she knows the officer would worry if she did.

She and Genji continue to watch the recruits in silence. She makes notes for each one, from their postures while casting spells to the resulting beams that strike the targets. She’s heartened to hear the cheers and claps when someone hits a target, and mostly sympathetic encouragement when someone doesn’t. There’s still a sense of comradery, much more so than when she’d been advised to rest months ago.

Still, she doesn’t fail to notice two recruits sitting on the sidelines. They’re waiting their turn, but one of them bows her head. Her friend puts a hand on her shoulder, and it’s as if something in her breaks. She folds into herself and her frame shakes.

Another recruit comes over and kneels before her. He asks her what happened, and Hinamori can catch pieces of what she says. “It’s…I haven’t been able to…Aizen.”

However, her other friend nods sympathetically. “I’ve also been finding it hard.”

“We all have,” says the other. “We…and Fifth Division…stand strong.”

“Oh no,” Genji says under his breath.

“Do you know that recruit?” Hinamori asks without looking away from the scene.

“No, she's new, but…” He can’t finish his sentence. He turns towards the entrance they’d come out of. “I’ll go and see what’s happened.”

Hinamori remembers the whispers, had caught glimpses of low moral from outside her window as officers came and went in the courtyards. She's certain Genji has had to deal with situations like this on an almost daily basis since Aizen left them behind. Something about this moment is different, however, and she can’t stand by and watch anymore.

“No,” she says firmly. “I’ll go.”

Genji frowns at her. “Are you sure? I can handle this.”

She shakes her head and offers a small smile. “How about we both go, then.”

By the time they get to training grounds, the three recruits have been joined by a few more. The concern they show warms Hinamori’s heart, and she’s slow to approach them.

One notices her, then another, and soon, everyone’s eyes are on her. They speak her rank and name, most bowing, other’s too surprised to do so. Seeing them all, up close for the first time in over a month, something shifts in her. The warmth in her chest dims, and in it’s place is something contracting.

She’s seen gazes like this before, on battlefields and in scenes of destruction. Shinigami looking to her for orders, Souls looking for answers. They’re shocked by her unannounced appearance, but just as quickly, they’re seeking from her. It’s the same gazes they gave to Aizen, looking to him, up to him. Knowing he would lead them to right place, to sooth their hearts and deal punishment to Hollows who threatened their world.

He would go against the laws if meant championing a greater good. She keeps staring at her subordinates, and for the first time in far too long, anger simmers in the pit of her stomach.

What good reason would he have to leave us behind?

“L-Lieutenant Hinamori.”

She snaps out of her reverie. The crying recruit, still supported by her friend at her side, bows her head. “I-I…F-Forgive me, I-I’m not…”

Hinamori breathes, her shoulders rising a fraction before lowers. Then she bows her to. “It’s all right. I didn’t mean to draw attention.” Then, straightening up and addressing everyone. “I was watching your progress with Isawa-san. I didn’t want to interrupt your training, forgive me.” When no one speaks, she thinks to fill the silence. “I know I haven’t been present for the last month, but I can see you’ve all greatly improved. When I’m in better health, I hope return to giving demonstrations and assist you in becoming even better.”

She’s emboldened by the smiles and nods from some around her. “I know these three months have been hard on everyone,” she says, loud enough that her voice echoes around the training grounds. “It hasn't escaped me, and I am deeply sorry that I have not been there to lead you all. I am getting better...but Fifth Division is nothing without it's officers. Without your all of support and strength, we would not be where we are today. So, please, keep going, and we can continue to make Fifth Division a great place to be!"

The speech doesn't draw an enthusiastic response, but most are smiling and nodding and few even cheer. If she'd been more prepared, she's certain she could've come up with better words.

While Genji directs everyone else back to the kido training, Hinamori turns her back to the weeping recruit. "What's your name?"

"Tanaka Mai, Lieutenent," the recruit responds.

"How long have you been with the Fifth Division, Tanaka-san?"

"Three months."

"I see...I'm sorry it's been like this for you."

"Ah, no, please Lieutenant, y-you don't need to apologise." She glances at her supporting friend, and then at the other who had knelt before her. Fresh tears well up in her eyes. "I looked up to him, Lieutenant. I wanted to be like him."

It hits Hinamori's heart, and she can feel the cracks web through her whole body. For a flicker, she sees younger self in this recruit. And not just her, in her friends too, who have similar crestfallen expressions as her.

She can't be here. She doesn't know what to say without also breaking into tears.

She bows, her hair falling and obscuring her face. "I understand." Then, abruptly rising, she turns in her heel and marches to Genji. "Isawa-san!"

Genji's concern makes her wince inwardly, but she quickly instructs him assist and apologize to Tanaka and her friends on her behalf. She departs in an instant, needing more space and air. She ends up in the courtyard outside of her room. She wipes the tears that threaten to spill down her cheeks as she paces around the maple tree and bench. A few officers pass by the courtyard, and she offers a weak greeting to them, and then in turn bow and are quick to move along, sensing it wasn't the best time to speak with their lieutenant.

After several minutes she comes to a stop and ends up looking at her bedroom window. She'd sat behind it for months, rarely coming outside. Rarely thinking of anything beyond what had happened.

She sense Genji approaching before she sees him.

"Lieutenant," he says softly as he approaches. "Are you all right?"

She doesn't turn to him. "I'm sorry for how I reacted back there. If I had prepared myself better, I would have been able to handle it."

"No, it's understandable, you don't have to apologize. Please, don't think about it."

"I have to, as their Lieutenant."

He doesn't argue, because on some level, he must know she's right. On some level, he may even resent having to step up to higher duties, and she wouldn't blame him.

For a minute in the silence between them, she shuts her eyes. They burn, and her mind whirls with the threat of panic and having too many heavy thoughts tumbling around. She breahtes, takes in the fresh air, just as Isane said she should.

There's no going back now.

“Isawa-kun.” She turns back to her Third seat. “Captain Aizen…he really betrayed us.”

She’d wanted to end it as a question – he really betrayed us, didn’t he? –but she needs it to be a statement, as much to herself as to show Genji her acceptance.

He tenses, and when his gaze darts away, it strikes her that maybe his hesitancy this whole time had not just been out of concern to her. He had shown determination when looking at her portrait of Aizen, but maybe, like her false smile, it was his way of facing this. She was not blind to her Division’s suffering, to the effect his betrayal had on all of them, but had she somehow underestimated how deeply it ran?

“Yes, he did.” There’s the slightest waver in Genji's voice. It’s enough to make Hinamori bow her head to him.

“I’m sorry for leaving you with so much work. I said before I would get better, and it’s taken me so long To tell you the truth, I don’t know how I can lead us out of this.”

Genji stumbles for words, but when she raises her head, he’s rendered speechless. She hopes her expression convey her will to right the wrongs Aizen left behind. “But I won’t give up. I am still the Lieutenant of the Fifth Division, and I want to continue to be. I will need you and other seated officers’ advice once I recover. Together, we can bring the Fifth Division back and help everyone.”

Genji's eyes brighten. He ducks his head, and again his voice catches. “Of course, Lieutenant Hinamori.”

__________________________________

Why had you become a Shinigami?

The question emerged six days ago, and for the first time in weeks. Today, it comes to Hinamori while she eats breakfast and causes her to stop chewing. Rather than push it away, she clings to it. It’s the only thought that isn’t of her past actions, the pity of those around her, or of Aizen. The question is a glimmer in this darkness, a tiny speck of light that promised something more than the ruminations swirling around constantly day and night. If she’s going to get better, this seems like the best place to start.

When she reflected on it in the last week, the thought ended up leading to her former captain just as she'd feared, but she is quick to divert him away.

Now, setting her breakfast aside, she crosses her legs and places Tobiume in front of them, making her zanpakuto a focal point to concentrate on. It’s almost like jinzen, but without the full connection to her zanpakuto to enter her inner world.

A meditative trance comes over her, causing her to let out a long, deep breath. There had been a reason before Aizen, before she even got accepted into the Academy. It was more vaguely defined, tinged with childish optimism and naivety, and somehow it persisted well into her first days in the Fifth Division, even after the horrific things she’d been on battlefields. Even after realising the gap between the wealthy families and those who came for the lower districts. Even when faced with realities that came with being a Shinigami, that she could not save every life or help every Soul.

You wanted to be a light.

Her zanpakuto’s interruption doesn’t startle her. She’d felt her presence in the back of her mind, mediating with her on the question.

“I wanted to help others,” she rasps. “I thought the Shinigami who brought me here was one of the kindest people I met…” She sniffs, throat tightening on the verge of a sob. “I don’t even remember what they look like now.”

It’s natural for a Soul to forget their time in the World of the Living and how they arrived at the Soul Society.

“It was considered strange that I kept my memories for as long as I did.”

She senses Tobiume nod. You wanted to find that Shinigami who led you here.

“I never did.”

It stopped bothering you at some point. Not long after you met your friends.

The faces of Izuru, Renji, and Rukia come to mind briefly. It feels like more decades ago than it was when they first met. They weren't the first Souls she met with the same potential as her, but with Renji and Izuru in particular, she knew not long after meeting them she would still be friends with them for many decades to come. Maybe it had been the few personal interests that had intersected, or that they were just the first fellow students they really spoke to in the Academy.

Truthfully, she thinks it's because of the fight they put up against the Hollows in the training mission that had gone wrong. She had run into the fray against the Huge Hollows, and they'd followed. Somewhere in that back her mind in that moment, she knew she would fight back to back with either of them. If they were willing to follow her into a battle like this, even when she made a sudden decision as that, or to protect someone none of them has really known, she wanted them to stay in her life.

But after that battle, when Aizen and Ichimaru had come to save them, it all changed. She resists the urge to stop thinking there, to keep pushing through and see this train of thought to it's end.

Yes, her and Izuru in particular had changed. It had been a gradual thing, taking place over a month or so, with all three of them unable to forget what happened, but with Hinamori and Izuru learning more about the two Shinigami who saved them. Izuru's motivation shift slightly, going from becoming a Shimigami to appease his family's wishes, to wanting to serve under the men who had saved them.

For Hinamori, it was almost a seismic shift; her goal changed to wanting to serve under Aizen, and maybe even become his lietuenant. It was almost a trenous thought at the time, hoping with Ichimaru would step down as his lieutenant. She'd never forget the burst of hope that filled her when he announced that he was moving on to become Third Division's captain; she'd been a Fourth seat then.

Looking back now, it's strange her first thoughts after a life-treatenign situation were of Aizen and Ichimaru, and not of Hisagi ro thanking either of her freinds for coming to assist. She had been younger the, but even so, she would've hoped she had the capacity to at least think of thanking them. Renji had known better, would rarely talk about either man afterwards and would wonder how Hisagi was doing or how either her or Izuru could become so awestruck by Aizen or Ichimaru.

"I changed after that day," she reiterates, shaking her head to herself. "That's all it took."

You were younger then, Tobiume offers, and inexperienced. You flew in to save someone in need. Doesn't that align with your original intentions?

Back then, she had gone to help Hisagi without a second thought and despite her fear. She didn't know him, but he was injured and out-numbered. She couldn't leave him. It went against everything she stood for.

She thought Aizen had stood for those same things. It's one of the reason she had admired him so deeply. She saw who she thought was the embodiment of everything she wanted to be, but believed she could only ever become a pale imitation of him. He had been too good, too perfect in many ways.

But even as she served under him, had she not still wanted to help others? Had it always been because she wanted to impress him or try to be like him? A lot of those instances had been without his presence or knowledge. The back of her eyes burn.

"I never lost it," she realises, voice becoming raspy. "Even now, I still want to..." I want to help others. I want to help my friends.

He had become her reason to reach the level she had, but he hadn't taken away her original goal. If he hadn't taken that away, maybe she he hadn't taken other things with him.

With a sob, she bends over Tobiume. A tear lands on her scabbard, and another on her quilt. She rubs her eyes and Tobiume soothes her in the back of her mind.

I told you, she says, you're stronger than you know. You still have these skills, master. They never left you.

After several minutes, Hinamori calms her sobs. She brings up Tobiume and presses her forehead to her hilt. "I'm so sorry, Tobiume. Thank you, thank you..."

A zanpakuto, she recalls from one of her instructors, is a reflection of their wielder. When you communicate with your weapon, you are communicating with yourself.

How had she not realised it sooner? She had been so focused on him, she didn't see what was still within her and in front of her. She still had her friends, her subordinates, and in time, she would strengthen herself again. She didn't know how for the latter, but she had been working the other two, albeit in a fumbling and unsure manner.

That sensation, of the unlocked but still closed door returned. Now, the handle turns, and she doesn't know what lies on the otherwise, but she will face it.

He had his reasons for betraying them, whatever they were, but he had not taken her own reasons to stay on as lieutenant of the Fifth Division.

__________________________________

It’s two days later when the zanjutsu instructor is back in the dojo, yelling just as loud as the last time.

There is no breeze today, or birds chirping in a nearby tree, and most of the leaves have fallen from the trees. It’s all she can hear.

On unsteady legs, she rises from bed and manages to bend over and grab Tobiume’s hilt.

Master? Her zanpakuto questions.

Hinamori slowly comes to the middle of her room, barely managing to stand straight. “Let’s practice.”

Are you sure?

“You told me I do not need pity.”

Something flared through Tobiume; it felt like a hope and a determined smirk. Good!

Hinamori assumes the stance the officers in to dojo below have. She positions her feet, steady on the ground, and holds Tobiume with both hands, the sheathed blade’s tip pointing towards the ceiling. She breaths in and out deeply, trying to dispel the weight in her mind and tremors running through her limbs.

She listens to the instructor and the officers responding cries. Not wanting to draw attention for the fear of an officer rushing in thinking something’s wrong, she keeps her mouth closed and follows the movements they would.

On her first swing, she loses her balance and topples to the side, landing on her bed. She ignores Tobiume's concerned cries and gets back up. "I'm fine," she tries to reassure. "I just have to keep going. Believe in me, Tobiume."

She definitely rusty, continually losing her footing in the first volley of practice strikes, but she does not let it deter her. She keeps raising her sword and bringing it down, falling back, then stepping forward doing it again and again.

It becomes a rhythm; then, at some point, muscle memory. She forgets about the weight in her limbs and mind, and she’s more free than she’s ever been.

_________________________________

Hinamori wakes an hour before the sun rises. Not feeling the urge to shut her eyes again, she gets out of bed and takes up Tobiume. She sneaks to a training ground -- one away from the barracks that house her subordinate -- and performs her zanjutsu training.

The extra space allows her to arc her zanpakuto higher and her foot work to go further around.

She’s never felt so free. The thought makes her stop. She lowers Tobiume to her side.

She’s been doing this for almost two weeks in secret. Why did she have to hide this? Wouldn’t it be encouraging for her subordinates to see her up like this?

The thought of her turning up to training gives her an unexpected anxiety. It comes with thoughts of unsure gazes and the dread that she would not be able to show them she was getting better. What if she slipped in her foot work? What if fatigue made her movements sluggish?

I can’t risk them knowing about this, she thinks. I’ll keep training, but…

One step at a time, master.

__________________________________

It's four days later when she makes way down to the Fifth Divison's library. It's the late hours of the night, when everyone is asleep. She takes a lantern with her and uses it to browse the shelves. There's no new books in the ficision section, but that hadn't been why she'd come down here.

She rounds the corner and ends up with the instructions and guides. She grabs the tomb she needs, then rushes back to her room. It of the kido spells, most of which she already knows. Still she studies the guide as if she were back in the Academy.

In the coming days, after she hones her zanjutsu skills in the early hours of the morning, she practices the hands movements and chants the incantations in her mind before breakfast. When she's certain she has memorized enough spells, she begins to study how they can be combined. She'd come up with combinations in the past, but she'll need stronger ones for the upcoming war.

She's caught out of bed practicing her hand movements and mouthing a chant by Isane almost a week later. An awkward silence passes between the two, and all Hinamori can do is sheepishly look at the tray Isane holds with her breakfast on it. Eventually, her fellow lieutenant smiles and says "You seem to be in good spirits, Hinamori-san."

After a bout of surprised laughter, Hinamori replies, "I, uh...I wanted to get back into the basics, I suppose. I'm not actually casting them of course!"

They go on to have a rather lively conversation about kido. Perhaps it's not as big a deal as Hinamori thought. If anything, it might show the Fourth Division's lieutenant that she's on the mend. Soon, she might be able to face her subordinates in one of their training sessions.

__________________________________

Doing all of this practice isn't enough to make her completely forget what happened, nor does it draw away the heaviness completely.

Even so, she feels stronger. No longer are her footsteps shaky and she can sleep through most nights. She's getting better, and it's a revelation she can't fully believe some days.

Her subordinates notice something is different about her. They visit more often, telling her about what's been happening in their personal lives, and she steps outside more often, even sitting in on one of Hirose's gardening groups.

Today, she watches them come and go in the courtyard, and she can tell the mood in the Division is shifting. The only strange thing is Genji seems to be attending more meetings in the afternoon.

She can't stop, she reaffirms to herself. She has to keep going. It's nearly the end of October; the war will be on the horizon soon.

__________________________________

“Good morning, Lieutenant.”

Hinamori can’t help but frown when her Tenth seat enters carrying her breakfast. “Imai-san.”

“Apologies, Isawa-san usually brings your meals on Friday morning, doesn’t he?”

Hinamori nods. “It’s not a problem. Is he unwell?”

Imai shakes her head and lays the tray across Hinamori’s lap. She notes two of her subordinate's red-painted nails are chipped. “He had to attend an emergency meeting.”

Hinamori’s eyes widen. “Has something happened?”

“No. He didn’t say much, but he mention that the advance team have returned.”

“Thank you, Imai-san.” Then, remembering. “And please thank whoever made this for me.”

“Of course, Lieutenant. Please enjoy.” After her Fourth seat leaves, Hinamori can barely eat with the butterflies in her stomach. Hitsugaya and the others have returned.

She casts out her senses, and sure enough, Hitsugaya’s reiatsu is there. Slightly more faint, shes sense Rangiku’s and Renji’s near him. If she had to guess, they’re all in First Division meeting hall.

Would they come visit?

Why would they?

Her shoulders deflate. After what happened, she wouldn’t blame Hitsugaya for being hesitant. Why has she even thought he would?

More importantly, why had they returned? Was their mission over? What had they discovered about the enemy? About these Arrancars? She’d only heard snippets and rumors spreading amongst her officers in their whispers and conversations they have while passing her room or below her window.

She munches on her breakfast, unable to cast the thoughts aside.

Later, Imai comes to collect her tray. She’s disappointed again when it’s Higuchi rather than Genji who serves her lunch to her. The day turns to sunset, and when there’s a knock, she can’t help but eagerly call out, “Come in!”

Sure enough, Genji has her dinner. “Good evening, Lieutenant Hinamori.”

“It’s good to see you Isawa-kun.”

He comes to the stand at her bedside, but doesn’t lay the tray down. “Sorry about this morning, I had to attend an emergency captain and lieutenant’s meeting.”

“Yes, Imai-san told me.”

Genji lowers the tray to her lap, and rather than make small talk or excuse himself to leave, he lingers at her bedside.

Hinamori isn't surprised by the awkward pause. Still, she had hoped she wouldn't need to prompt Genji. Had the Captain-Commander instructed Genji to not tell her what was discussed? Or was Genji simply concerned about the effect debriefing her would have?

Knowing him, it's the latter.

"Isawa-kun, whatever happened at the meeting, I want to know," she says, gently. "I am still a Lieutenant of the Gotei Thirteen, and if it concerns the Fifth Division, I wish to know. If you're not allowed to speak about it, however, I understand and I will consult with Lieutenant Sasakibe if I need to."

Genji frowns at the floor. After letting out a long, silent breath, his gaze reaches hers. "The Advance Team returned from the World of the Living. Captain Hitsugaya gave a full report on their battles in the World of the Living. These Arrancar, Lieutenant...they are strong."

Hinamori lips part at the news, unsure how to respond, but she nods for him to continue.

"They returned in light of a human, Inoue Orihime, is believed to have sided with the Arrancars."

"W-What?" Hinamori stammers out. Then, she recognises the name. "She was one of the Ryoka that tried to save Kuchiki-san. How do they know she has betrayed us?"

"She was training in the Soul Society only yesterday with Captain Ukitake and Kuchiki-san. Captain Ukitake was the last to see her before she vanished. However, she made it back to the World of Living, evidenced by her healing one of Kurosaki Ichigo's wounds while he was asleep."

Hinamori can only shake her head. This conflict had inspired acts of betrayal from all sides. Why would she do this?

Noticing Genji's hesitation, she decides to put the matter aside for now. “Go on, Isawa-kun. Is there something else?"

He nods, but doesn't continue right away. He loosk out her window, at the gatherings of officers in the courtyard, having either come back from missions or outings to the Rukongai. “We know who will be required to attend the battle against Captain Aizen and the Arrancars.”

Hinamori's hand flies to her throat when it involuntarily clamps up.

“It will only be captains and lieutenants. All ranks Third seat and below will remain in the Soul Society while the captains and lieutenants wait in the fake Karakura Town.”

“I-I see.” A thought occurs to her in horror. “That doesn’t mean you will have to be on the battlefield in my place, does it?”

“Ah, no! The Captain-Commander assured me that no one from Fifth Division is expected to be there.”

No one from Fifth Division should go with them, is what he really means she suspects. They could compromise the battle, serve only as a weakness to the Gotei Thirteen’s forces. She tries to ignore the tiny furl of bitterness in the pit of her stomach. Surely this order came from a place caring, too. “That’s a relief.”

Genji nods.

“And what did you mean by ‘fake Karakura Town’?”

“The Captain Commander wants all officers to fight at their full capacity. To avoid human causalities and any destruction to Karakura Town, Twelfth Division used Tenkai Kecchu to create a copy. The real Karakura Town will be transported to the edge of the Rukongai when the enemy is expected to make their move.”

She’s never heard of the technique. She’s about to ask what it is when Genji raises his hand.

“Please, Lieutenant, you should eat.” She wants to insist on knowing, but when his gaze falls to the ground, she notices how slumped his shoulders are. He’s weary, and likely feels guilty for having told her about the upcoming battle. “I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have burdened you with all of this, especially this late.”

Hinamori watches her Third seat for a moment longer, then takes up the chopsticks. “Thank you Isawa-kun. I appreciate that you told me this, and that you brought me dinner.”

Genji manages a faint smile before he bows and leaves without another word. Hinamori lets the chopsticks fall back to the tray and stares into space for so long her food gets cold by the time she remembers to eat it.

__________________________________

Hinamori can't get the plan out of her mind. It follows her in her training and even as she eats her meals. Did it mean the Captain-Commander foresaw the conflict happening sooner than expected? Or is he simply planning ahead to catch the enemy offguard?

She had brought it up with Isane on her latest visit, but her fellow Lieutenant couldn't offer much more than Genji had. Hinamori took some comfort in seeing she too was worried the conflict might be coming to them sooner than they'd hoped.

At night, Hinamori can't help but imagine the scenario before she shuts her eyes to try and sleep. The captains and lieutnenants facing Aizen, Ichimaru, Tosen, and the Arrancars. It meant her friends would be there. Izuru and Hisagi would have to stand on the same battlefield as the captains who they'd once served. No one from Fifth would be there to confront Aizen.

It's a relief none of her subordinates had to be involved, but that bitterness from her conversation with Genji always finds a way to influence her thoughts. Everyone on that battlefield will be expecting her to stay here, recovering from everything that's happened. They think she's at her weakest physically and mentally.

I've done little to show them otherwise, she thinks pitifully while practicing the hand movements for a kido net spell.

You still can, master, Tobiume tries to encourage.

How do you mean?

When Tobiume doesn't answer immediately, Hinamori halts her practice and waits. Her zanpakuto spirit's answer makes her frown.

You've been thinking about it, whether you've realised it or not.

__________________________________

It's two days later when Hinamori dreams of the fire. She’s alone with it again, and it's calmer than before. There is no threat, but still she steps into the flames.

She goes in facing it, letting it wash over her face first, then her torso, then her arms and legs. This time, she knows for certain these flames are hers and hers alone. Tobiume's voice echoes around her, saying too many things at once, but somehow Hinamori can understand it all.

This is where she should wake up, for a presence enters her space again. It's same one as last time, and she's terrified to turn and face him.

He won't leave unless I face him, she realises.

She looks to the flames around her, brushing over her limbs and whipping through her hair. She tries to take strength from them as she turns.

He stands on the other side, smiling. He reaches for her, but she steps back. The flames grow in intensity, whipping against the intruders hand. he doesn't flinch away, however. His hand remains hovering in the fire, and she can only watch as it starts to burn his flesh. He still smiles at her.

Not long after Hinamori opens her eyes, she cringes and grabs hold of Tobiume before marching towards the training grounds. Tobiume rages with her, the heat of her flames coursing through Hinamori's veins. Her slashes through the sky and attacks on a training dummy are harsh and brittle.

She's certain before she awoke her heart had been pulled in a violent tug of war between letting him burn or pushing his hand out of the flames to safety.

_________________________________

She returns to her room as the sun begins to rise. Tobiume is silent, but Hinamori can sense her presence in the back of her mind. It's as if she's waiting on something from her.

What is it, Tobiume? she asks.

Her zanpakuto's spirit says nothing still. She's usually quick to speak her mind, prompted or not.

Hearing an officer from down the hallway, she decides to leave it and quickly returns back to bed. Had they seen her just now?

She frowns when she dtects the officer's reiatsu and notices his footsteps are hurried. Genji runs past her door and down the stairs. She parts the curtains in time to see him rushing across the courtyard towards the Division's main entrance. A Hellbutterly follows in his wake.

Something has happened.

_________________________________

For the next hour, Hinamori alternates between pacing around her room and sitting and waiting for Genji to return. Anxious jitters thrum through her, threaten to break limbs out into quivers and shakes. She casts her senses out, but he's still in the First Division.

The sun has risen and most officers make their way to the mess hall for breakfast. No one is alarmed that Genji is not there, likely thinking he's either out running errands or getting breakfast elsehwhere.

They don't anticipate the news she already knows.

The war is here. She can sense it in the air, as though a lock had been snapped open, unable to hold back what it tried to contain. It’s in the way the reiatsu she can sense at First Division all waver, heightening and decreasing in intensity. It’s the only explanation she can think of.

 With a shaky breath, she stops in the middle of her room. How will she react with Genji gives her the news? How will her Division react? No doubt some will want to go out to the battlefield, but most, she thinks, will be tense. The outcome of this battle didn’t just determine the fate of the Worlds they protect. It was a battle against the captain they once followed, the man that betrayed them and left them shattered in their wake. A being powerful enough to fool everyone and leave the Soul Society unscathed.

She again replays the battlefield scenario in her mind. Her friends, zanpakuto drawn, staring down Aizen and his accomplices. They’ll get hurt, may not even come out of this alive. It’s an inevitability she faces every time any of them go to battle. It’s as much a part of her life as eating or breathing.

She returns to sitting on the edge of her bed. Her fingers dig in and clutch the fabric of her robes, white-knuckled. She’s expected to stay here while the fate of the Soul Society and her friends is decided. Her division is expected to stay out of the way, when their former captain is one leading an attack on them.

She thinks back to that day Nanao came to visit, when she had briefly wondered by she didn’t step outside of her room more often. She hadn’t wanted to give the thought any credence, but it had stuck itself to the back of her mind. On some level she sees the restrictions as an imposition,  as an attempt to keep her under watch. She had played along with it, remaining where she needed to be and doing as she was instructed. It was why the training she did in secret was so liberating.

She shakes her head. It was this sort of thinking that got her into the situation she was in now. She has no one to blame but herself for her past actions, and perhaps they were right to enact these restrictions for that reason.

But they are her actions.

He won't leave unless I face him.

She turns her head to her weapon, laying on to of her quilt. Tobiume, she beckons.

Her zanpakuto’s spirit makes her presence known in Hinamori’s mind, but says nothing.

“Is this what you meant?” she says. “That I have been thinking about ignoring everything to go and confront Captain Aizen?”

Tobiume again says nothing, but a flare of reiatsu comes from her blade. It’s as good as saying ‘yes’.

Hinamori lets out a long breath, as though finally getting something she had on her chest for months. It'd be reckless, no better than when she blindly followed Aizen's wishes when she thought him dead. How can she confront him?

With a grunt she forces the thought away. Her stomach roils and her heart thumps against her chest. She can’t stay here, waiting and hoping. She has to go to the fight. Had she not been training for this very moment?

There will be consequences, perhaps dire enough to ensure she is never a Shinigami ever again, but she can’t sit idly by. She has to face him. She doesn't want the pity of the captains and other lieutenants; she somehow has to show them she is strong enough to stand with them. That she too would do anything to protect her home.

She casts her gaze back to her subordinates. coming and going from the mess hall. Most seem content, but there's still grave expression and an air of somberness around them.

What good reason would he have to leave us behind?

"Tobiume," she says, and despite the steeliness of her voice, her heart flutters with uncertainty. "What I want to do is reckless."

It is.

"I don't know what will face me when I go there, or what will face me when I return, but I cannot stand by and let Captain Aizen hurt my friends and threaten the Soul Society." She bows her head to her zanpakuto. "I know I have put you through much these last two months, but please...will you fight with me now?"

Her zanpakuto's reaitsu flares, becoming a raging fire for a few seconds, as though she were giving a roar. Without question! I will aways fight alongside you.

_________________________________

She received her orders from a Hell butterfly before Genji returns. She is to stay in the Fifth Division and will be protected by her Fourth and Fifth seated officers. There's a wartime exception, allowing Shinigami to carry their zanpakuto, and to be alert for any unusual activity in the Seireitei.

Genji returns with similar orders hlf an hour later, and it sends the division into a frenzy. Officer race back to their barracks and spread the word to those bewildered by the sudden change.

Eventually, Genji arrives at her room, with their Fourth and Fifth seated officers in tow.

"There has been rapid developments after Kurosaki Ichigo invaded Hueco Mundo," he informs her, kneeling at her doorway with his head bowed. “The Captain-Commander has reason to believe that Cap – that Aizen will invade the World of the Living today at midday.”

The air is swept from Hinamori’s lungs in a gasp. How can it be so soon? She had thought it would be a day or more. She didn’t have much time to prepare.

Genji mistakes her apprehension for worry. “You’ll be safe here, Lieutenant. I’ll be coordinating everyone from here. We will be following the Captain-Commanders orders for our officers to be posted in the Rukongai in case the Arrancar somehow make it here. If they come into contact with Aizen, they are to not engage in battle with him.” He struggles to get the next sentences out. “Given that we were under the influence of his shikai, it means we are susceptible to fall…under an illusion. If he uses that on us…”

“Understood,” she says, not wanting to hear the rest. “Thank you, Isawa-kun. I'll stay here.”

After Genji leaves and she thanks her Fifth and Fourth seats, Hinamori shuts her door. She swallows back the bile that rose from lying to Genji and her officers. She’s slow to move to the centre of her room. Despite the shock of it, she is not deterred by the information Genji provided; this is only a setback she needs to overcome.

She only has three hours to come up with a plan. Her only exit is either her window or her balcony. Most of her subordinates would be dispatched to the Rukongai within the hour, and there would be just under a hundred still in the barracks based on what Genji showed her last month.

She wont be able to convince the officers posted at her door to let her go outside, and refuses to use hakufuku on anyone. If she escape and uses a concealment kido, she could bypass most officers and find an isolated area to create a senkaimon. Where would be isolated in a time like this? What concealment spell would work best and not leave a trance until she's long gone? Who are the biggest threats to her plan? She winces at how much this mindset reminds her of when she planned to escape the cell and confront Hitsugaya months ago.

Without realising, she turns her head to the figurines on her shelf. The boy and the girl continue to smile at her, but she cannot return it. Hitsugaya will be at the battle. What will he think? He'll lecture her after the battle, obviously; perhaps tell her how foolish her actions are ad not speak to her for some days. But maybe, he'd understand. Like her, he too is dedicated to his occupation and the protection of Soul Society and it's residents. Despite his perchant for following code of conduct and laws of the Soul Society, she could imagine him doing something similar to her if he were in her place. Hadn't he done so only a few months ago?

You came to help me, she thinks. Even when I wouldn't listen to you and didn't want to believe what you were saying, you came to help me. Perhaps now, I can come to help you. Other Shinigami come to mind, friends and subordinates. I want to help all of you too, as you have done for me.

Joining the simmering anger is a determination strong enough to rid her of the anxious jitters and hone her focus on forming a coherant plan.

________________________________

She stares at her reflection, having just finish tying her ribbon over her hair cloth. She has looked like this in months, it’s as if she’s staring at a ghost. The bags under her eyes are gone at least, and despite appearance, she is not the same Soul who once wore the same clothes and accessories. When she returns from this battle, she’ll have changed again. Hopefully for the

Stepping out the bathroom, she glances at her lieutenant’s badge lying on her chest of drawers. When she picks it up, there a weight to it that hadn’t previously been there. She ties it around her arm with reverence. Despite what she’s about to do, she vows she will honour this position on the battlefield.

Strapping Tobiume to her hip, she then summons for a Hellbutterfly. While waiting for the creature, casts her senses out. In line with Genji’s information, the captains and lieutenants gather at fifteen minutes to midday together at the central Senkaimon. Their reiatsu gradually vanish one by one as they pass through the gateway.

I’ll be seeing you soon. Despite the anxiety and steely determination running through her, she can’t help but smile at the thought.

The Hell butterfly flies through her open window. The curtains flutter around it and behind the branches of the trees in the courtyard sway too and fro. The Hell butterfly lands on her shoulder, and she leans forward closes the window.

After the last captains goes through the Senkaimon, she waits. In that time, she stares at the books Aizen gave her, at the sketchbooks will with drawings of him, and at her reflection in the window.

I will face you, she vows, schooling her expression to one of stern resolve. You are a traitor to the Soul Society, an enemy to all the Worlds.

After fifteen minutes, she takes in a long breath, and at the exhale, she raises her hands. This is it.

 I will show you that you do not affect me or the Fifth Division anymore.

She’ll only have a minute at most before her Fourth and Fifth seat realise she’s not in her room. She whispers the incantation for a high-level concealment kido. Before she even utters the last word, she walks to the door to her balcony. Her limbs thrum with anticipation and nerves as she slides it aside quietly.

Then, she leaps up to the railing and bolts off, flying through the air, her gaze on the sky high above. Before her feet touch the ground, Tobiume's flames heat her blood, ready for battle, and her heart soars with a determination that surpasses any shame she has for escaping like this.

But then, the memory of Hitsugaya in the World of the Living comes to mind. She’d ask him not to kill Aizen. Sorrow briefly pricks at her heart. Forgive me, Hitsugaya-kun she thinks, feet only a few meters from the dirt..

As soon as she lands, she sprints in the directions of a training ground in the woods. Everything passes her in a blur.

I’ll show you and everyone else I’m better now.

_____________________________

Next chapter >> Coming soon

[absolutebl]

One year ago I had never read or watched anything in the romance genre and I have now hit 150 BLs, so I’ve been thinking about how I got here!

Until I was in my early 20’s I only read litfic, sci-fi and fantasy, never romance…. Then I started reading fanfiction but again, only based on sci-fi or fantasy shows/books - and I always rejected the coffee shop or university AUs - why take characters who can do magic or are vampires and make them normal humans who work in a library? So again, I missed out on all the romance tropes.

Then, during the pandemic I started reading Shameless fanfic and perhaps because the characters are humans who live in our world, I ventured into the AUs for the first time and discovered that I love all the romance tropes! Give me all the enemies to lovers, forced proximity and arranged marriages please…

Finally, this led to BLs and for the first time in my life almost all the media I consume is romance and I love it so much! What a weird journey… I’d love to hear if you’ve always enjoyed romance and how you got here?

Oh my goodness what a fun question, okay let’s hit it...

My Journey to BL via SFF, Yaoi & M/M Romance  

So way back at the dawn of time I was once a hard-core fan, specifically in the science fiction and fantasy realm and specifically around 90s franchises that had to do with bad ass female warrior characters, so think Xena: Warrior Princess, Farscape, Buffy, Firefly. I did cosplay and crossplay (although we didn’t really call it that, then). I went to my first SFF con as a minor actually, as soon as I got my driver’s license and some autonomy I was out and about doing cons, ST:TNG Creatathons (is that what they were called?) and such. 

I was of the right age, but that was also how I found and got involved with queer fandom, ren faires, and kink. First prides, first alliances, first marches, first dungeons, first orgy - ya know, as ya do. I sexually matured super early and ya know what? It was fine, I’m fine. It all worked out. I regret nothing and stayed healthy emotionally, mentally, and physically, probubly as a result of the companion friendship groups I was forming, so... win win! 

And all because I read books like... THIS: 

I’m a FAST AF reader and super advanced, I read Tolkien at like age 8, and came to fandom via books more than TV or film. (Please don’t take this as a brag because I skim and retain NOTHING, so it’s not exactly a life advantage.) By high school I was into primarily fantasy, and always wanted/liked/preferred a romantic arc and some kind of found family element (so friendship groups = a big WIN). I also really gravitated to any authors who dealt with or mentioned queer characters (like Mercedes Lackey). That’s also when I first started noticing the “kill the gays” trope. 

I was always a really voracious reader. I read pretty much all the fantasy that my local library had, and then (partly because of Anne McCaffrey and a few other authors who also wrote romance), with no where else to go I moved into the romance genre. I actually got into romance before I got into science fiction. I was reading bodice rippers at age 10. Again, it was FINE. Some of us mature real early. Also I was living in the UK when Queer as Folk was doing its thing while reading lots of Mills & Boon. 

Then in the early 2000s I started actively looking for consumable queer literary media. By that I mean: anything that had queer characters as the main characters. However, I really don’t like literary fiction (too depressing), and I really wanted that romantic arc. I wanted stories that gave the queer characters happy endings TOGETHER, and also that didn’t gloss over the sexual side of being queer.

This basically led me to Japanese yaoi. I don’t recall exactly how I found my first one, but I do remember the hunting. 

I had to either find them and get them shipped to me via weird black market back channels, or I eventually started ordering them off Amazon. In fact, the first thing I ever bought on Amazon was a yaoi manga in dead tree form - so they might be why I opened the account. Only a few publishers were producing yaoi in translation back then, a name I particularly remember was DramaQueen. I actually even owned some yaoi publisher merchandise, which means I had an account WITH the publisher. I mean, who does that?! I had a T-shirt that said “seme” on one side and “It’s tough at the top” on the other side. I was so proud! I would wear it to sci-fi conventions, but was so obscure then that nobody I ran into ever knew what the shirt meant. I mean us geeks knew anime and even some manga, but yaoi? Not so much. 

Honestly, I still only really enjoy consuming manga in printed form (I struggle with webtoons), which is one of the many reasons I haven’t followed it (or manwha) closely in recent years. 

Meanwhile, at the same time I was being a yaoi fan (without a fandom) I was getting into the Hollywood indie gay romcom phase, so like Latter Days, and Shelter, and some of the other queer indie movies I talk about in this post: 

Old Guard Queer Cinema for BL Lovers 

So now we’re in mid 2000s and there just wasn’t a lot of manga in translation, let alone yaoi, thus I kept hunting for a more queer romance fiction to read. 

Which is how I became a really early adopter of the very first, what was called back then, m/m romance. There were only a few houses producing for the American market, small publishers like Loose ID.  I bought and read a ton of them in physical form, and then was super early on the e-book bandwagon because of this market almost entirely. I mean, we are talking early e-books that I had to go to the publisher’s website to buy and download - this is in the days of Sygil and Calibre. You had to read them on your laptop. I owned a FIRST generation Kindle.

At this point I’m reading mostly romances and no longer any SFF. And then recently (within the last 10 years, the two have started cross pollinating again, although now I only read SFF that has a strong romance thread and a happy ending for the queers. No exceptions will be made. 

Gotta have my standards! 

So I become a romance reader mostly because of yaoi, and now I do read other queer romances (not just gay ones) but before we didn’t have a choice. (Although gay romances still dominate the market.) 

I kind of left mangas behind for a long time.

So when I discovered BL, and I think SOTUS was my first one (?), although it might’ve been Love by Chance or Love Sick, or... (honestly when I jump into an obsession I JUMP TF IN so early 2019 when I discovered BL I tried to watch EVERYTHING I could all at once), I brought all of this baggage and affection (and forgiveness) from my history with yaoi and early mm romance (which get a lot of things WRONG not just about being gay and queer identity but also about sex and relationships and communication) to my interpretation of the BL genre.

(Well, that’s a massive run-on sentence I’m not bothering to fix. nash) 

So there it is. A very long way of saying: 

because of yaoi I got into m/m romance 

because of m/m romance I became an ebook romance reader

because of gay romance I have strong standards for my happy ever afters 

and because of THAT I got into BL and that history still dictates the KIND of BL I prefer

TA DA! 

*insert twirling flourish here* 

And then, because I am an obsessive completest, I have been systematically using all of lock down to try to watch every BL ever made. Some of us don’t, ya know, stay still very well. I needed a QUEST. 

Notice what’s missing? Fanfic. Yeah I have never been into it. It’s all good, I’m not against it or anything like that, just like D&D or Star Wars or electrical play... not my thing. 

(source)