#and because you can’t understand the extent of other people’s suffering

[moonworshippinglesbiandotcom]

people need to get more comfortable with leaving people behind. if you’ve done all you can do, imparted all the knowledge you can impart, shared all the experiences you can share, and people are still not opening their eyes? then it’s time to move past them. you can not forcibly radicalise someone, there needs to be a desire to learn on their end

[starboyshoyo]

Unspoken Words

Characters: All NRC students x reader (seperately)

Fandom: Twisted Wonderland

Genre: hurt/comfort

Unspoken reasons why the NRC boys love you!

HEARTSLABYUL

Riddle Rosehearts seems like perfection; like the very image of what one should strive for. Anyone who knows him can admire his hard work and diligence, because that is the extent to what they can see. But you see his delight at the simplest of things; things that he never got to experience in childhood. Riddle holds you dear to him because you encourage his rare moments of whimsy, and love them wholly- just as he loves you.

Trey Clover is always being told that he should aim higher, because the talent he holds would be squandered should he go down the path of the simple village baker. He smiles and politely tells them that he’ll consider it- but really, he’s tired of the input he never wanted in the first place. It’s all the more reason to appreciate the way you trust in his dreams. Trey knows what he wants, and you won’t push him for anything more. 

Cater Diamond has two different sides, like the faces on a card. Sometimes he’s the party-loving Cay-kun, and other times he wants nothing more than to collapse in his bed and sleep the day away. Being Cay-kun is exhausting. It’s not entirely him but he can’t seem to bring himself to show the real Cater to anyone but you, because you understand that the mask is necessary sometimes. It’s okay if he’s not ready to show the world his face yet. You’ll be waiting for him when he is.  

Bluntly honest is the best way to describe Ace Trappola. If someone asked, he’d call himself a realist. He’s not here to mess around or play the hero. And sometimes that can hurt people’s feelings and push them away. But being truthful and being mean are two different things, and he knows he can always trust you to tell him when he oversteps. Ace may fumble from time to time, so he’s glad you’re always there to help him back up.

Deuce Spade was reluctant to begin dating you at first. He wasn’t proud of who  he was in middle school, nor is he proud of who he is at the moment. He thought that he was unworthy of you, that he needed more time to grow. When he first figured out that you weren’t the most perfect person either, it didn’t turn him away. In fact, it relieved him. Deuce loves that you can be imperfect together- and that you’re willing to grow alongside him even more. 

SAVANACLAW

Leona Kingscholar is used to being the spare; the disposable one. Even though he’s the second prince of the Sunset Savannah, even though he was born into a life of privilege, he knows what it’s like to have to fight for yourself and your place in the world. When he met you, he could hardly believe that for once, a fight wasn’t necessary. It took a while for him to trust, but now Leona knows that he will always be your first choice, as you will be his.

From the outside, Ruggie Bucchi’s obsession over food is a bit excessive. Does one really need to defend every scrap with his life? He’s tired of others laughing at the way he packs snacks in his bag and sneaks crumbs off the tabletop. It’s telling that you hand him extras when you don’t have to, that you make sure he always has more than he needs. It shows that you value the things he values, so that he can do the same in return to you. 

Jack Howl is a lone wolf, just like his name. He’s always relied on his own strength to get by. Owing a debt is like putting his life in someone else’s hands, so accepting favors is something that he’ll never do. When he first realizes he loves you, it’s hard to accept that another person now holds a part of his heart. But give him some time and he’ll begin to appreciate having someone to share the burden with. It’s refreshing to have company without debt or guilt. 

OCTAVINELLE

They say those who have suffered the most have the most empathy. Azul Ashengrotto thinks there must be something wrong with him, then. After all the ridicule he’s endured, all he wants is to watch his tormentors cry as well. So why does his heart beat so fast then, when he sees how kind you are to others? There’s so little logic to it- but the heart wants what it wants. 

Jade Leech gives only as much as he takes. In his mismatched eyes, it’s only reasonable that a transaction is balanced on both sides. So it’s a surprise to him when you don’t demand everything to be split, fifty-fifty. It’s with you that he learns the connection between trust and equals. Not having to count out every exchange leaves Jade more time to love you with all his heart. 

Floyd Leech is notorious for his mercurial behavior. It’s a laughing matter for some students, and the target of frustration for many others when he fails to show the same enthusiasm he had before. If he’s already in a bad mood, then why are they making it worse by nagging him? You’re his retreat in times like that, because you take his emotions seriously, no matter how ridiculous they seem in the moment. 

SCARABIA

Kalim Al-Asim knows he can be dense. As the heir to a merchant empire, he’s got some level of self-awareness in him, even if he doesn’t always know how to use it. He can tell when he’s said the wrong thing to you. The wringing of hands, the twisting of brows make him so nervous, but he can’t do anything but laugh it off lest he say something to make it worse. So he appreciates it when you patiently explain to him how you feel, even when you’re not in the mood to. Sometimes he just needs help to understand. 

There’s no doubt that Jamil Viper has… questionable methods of obtaining his means to an end. With the precision and patience of a snake, he can use any means necessary to strike. But when you’re around he finds himself thinking more of what’s right than just what he wants. You are his conscience, in the best  and worst of times; and he can’t help but love you for it. 

POMEFIORE

Vil Schoenheit’s entire life has been publicized since the day he stepped into the spotlight. While he takes pride in his looks and envies anyone who can shine brighter than him, he finds that when he is with you, he can be whatever he wants to be with no eyes on him. No cameras, no rehearsals, no pressure, just two hearts beating side by side. 

Rook Hunt has a lot to say, and so little time to say it. He is always on the move, always examining something else to find the beauty in it. And though it’s hard to be patient, he loves you for always listening when he talks, even when he rambles for hours about the smallest things. To sit still for that long is a feat in itself.

The frustrations of Epel Felmier are evident when others treat him as lesser simply because of the way he looks. He’s still learning how to use his charm in other ways, but it’s hard to unlearn so many old habits. Punishments from Vil don’t help either. So when the work gets too harsh, you make him forget about being weak or strong- and when you’re in front of him, all he wants to be is yours. 

IGNIHYDE

Idia Shroud is used to watching the world go by without him. Sometimes he feels like an outside observer, or even a roadblock for others to climb over on their way to greatness. But with you, he never feels like an inconvenience. He feels wanted and needed- something he hasn’t felt for a long, long time. 

DIASOMNIA

Malleus Draconia is lonely. It’s plain and simple as that. He wants the company of others, outside of those assigned to guard him and bow to his every whim. So Malleus covets the fact that you are simply here, by his side of your own volition. For the first time in his life, Malleus thinks that he might be content.

Lilia Vanrouge has lived through centuries. As a human, you cannot even begin to fathom bridging the gap in time. There is just so much that he has seen that he can’t share with you. So please, just let him hold you while he has the chance. Let him cherish the way you live in the moment. Together, you can forget the coming of the future. 

Sebek Zigvolt is constantly under pressure. Not from others, but from himself- but either way, the stress gets to him. He would never admit it, but the stolen moments you spend together make him happier than he’s ever been. His shoulders ease, and his scowl disappears for a time. Just don’t point it out, or they’ll be back again full force- accompanied by a blush.

It’s not that Silver doesn’t care about what people are saying- he really, really does. But when he falls asleep so easily, some people come to think that he’s bored out of his mind. He was anxious that you’d think the same, but to his surprise, you understand his struggles. He’s trying his best to be more attentive to you, and you welcome his efforts with open arms.

Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated!

[directdogman]

(Sorry if I have bad English, I'm from Spain.)

I'm super hyperfixated on the original managers, so I have 2 questions.

1. In Dialtown, Tango/Terrence says no one called him Tango before. Assuming that in the DSaF universe he also liked that nickname, did any of the other original managers call him Tango or not?

2. A headcanon I've seen in the DSaF fandom is that Abel hated everyone BUT the real Scott Cawthon, and that Scott was the only one that tolerated Abel (some ppl even ship them). Is that close to canon? Or the og Scott Cawthon also hated Abel? I really want to know what they thought about each other.

Btw, I really love your games, I've played the DSaF trilogy many times, and the Dialtown demo (I haven't played the full version of Dialtown yet, but I've seen gameplays and I'll buy it for my birthday), thank you for making 4 incredible games <3

I don't answer many DSaF questions these days, but this one's interesting so here goes:

1)Tango's nickname is a DT invention as far as I remember. If he preferred the name in DSaF's universe, Harry would've used it for sure, given how much he liked Terrence and since he's literally using a name he doesn't believe is really 'his' because it makes him feel better. He of all people would understand.

2)Yeah, that's a pretty good way of stating it, but there's a little more nuance to it that explains a little bit more about Abel/Joe's rift.

Basically, the original Scott Cawthon was a unifying figure. He got on with every single one of the original managers and they all thought the world of him. The Phone Guy process was started in an attempt to recreate him by Abel (and the other managers at first) and you gotta consider why they'd all want to do that. He was the glue that held the group together, the only manager liked by everyone else there without exception, someone who could defuse tension and resolve conflicts amicably.

It's true that he had the most patience for Abel and never badmouthed Abel to the other managers and even defended him earnestly, knowing Abel the best of the other managers and knowing some of Abel's early life and where he came from, while the others were more willing to honestly discuss Abel's short fuse and occasionally mean nature (even Terrence to some extent!) This led Abel to develop more of a bond with him than the other managers and somewhat distrust the others.

While Abel was essentially Scott's number 2, as time went on, Joe became more and more integral to the running of their budding company, since he was a skilled accountant and managed to balance the books despite Scott's somewhat reckless spending at times (he was overgenerous to the point where it sometimes led to financial trouble for the company, a stark contrast to what Freddy's became later.) Since Joe was so blunt (and Abel's biggest critic), Abel was incredibly jealous and insecure that if the trend continued, Joe would supplant him.

This also explains why Abel was so willing to toss his other managers into the 'machine' when each of them suffered accidents. Ultimately, it wasn't just sheer cowardice, it was him trying to recreate the past - to recreate the one person who seemingly saw him as anything other than a vampire. Someone who actually wanted him around. Of course, no two snowflakes are ever exactly the same. Abel was a poor replacement as the owner of the company, Joe was barely able to keep things afloat amidst a messy and chaotic expansion and Harry wound up presiding over the company's demise.

There's a pretty widespread narrative theme in DSaF of damaged people trying to recreate something they've lost - Dave trying to turn Jack into the new Henry, Jake and his family, Harry and his former identity, the Kennedy family reuniting.

“Can’t repeat the past? Why, of course you can!”

But, the fact is, you can't recreate the past. The only way forward is to pick up the pieces and build something new.

[extremely-judgemental]

All right, let’s talk about Feyre’s pregnancy reveal, Rhysand’s anger, and Cassian’s punishment. This is more of an angry rant, if it doesn’t make sense, you know why. 

Before some weirdo comes for my throat for this, and though I’m not obligated to share anything about my life, I have two sisters. I’ve been both Feyre and Nesta. I know what it’s like to be poor, even if not to the extent of ‘I have to hunt to feed my family’ poor which is still a lot more than what SJM knows or understands.

The Archeron sisters have a less than cordial bond with each other, but it is a lot deeper than ‘she let me go hunting’ and ‘I failed her’. The adults responsible for them traumatised them, neglected them, used them as pawns, and exploited them. The three were forced to parent each other and care for their father. That’s a lot of trauma they have in common which leads to more in their individual lives, and an outsider can’t just have a peek and go ‘Oh, this is the one who suffered the most’. Comparing their trauma and picking a side is downplaying their experiences or insulting them as a character.

And it takes a lot to pit one of them against another with just a simple ‘she wronged you, so I’m going to punish her for you’ unless they hate each other and are already out for blood. Which is exactly what the IC do with the sisters—play with their emotions, manipulate them, and make a villain in each other’s story. It’s almost offensive to everyone with a sibling the way sisterhood is approached in this series by making Feyre compliant with Rhysand’s plans. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this narrative infuriates me that Feyre willingly allows Nesta’s imprisonment with a man who clearly is lusting after her.

The sisters haven’t healed from their shared trauma and the IC doesn’t want them to. The only chance they had to mend their relationship was when Feyre returned home after Tamlin sent her back. What we see in SF is a clear reversal of whatever bond they managed to salvage.

Feyre hasn’t forgiven Nesta and at this rate, she never will. She doesn’t care about her sisters but meddles with their lives because she’s still living by the promise she made to her mother. In her mind, she’s ‘taking care of her sisters’ even though she’s hurting them. Their dynamic shifts when she becomes a High Lady and her sisters end up at her mercy which is very similar to their times in poverty. Feyre provided for the family and she exerted control over them as a means to keep that promise which is what she’s repeating now. But that’s too much psychology for people who instantly go ‘but canonically!!’ So let’s move on.

Why does this matter to the pregnancy reveal? Oh, it does because Feyre allows everything in SF. Sure, she is manipulated but Rhysand and Cassian don’t have to put much effort into it. She always ‘sees’ their side and accepts it. (Or, SJM did so to justify the abuse.)

Nesta has every right to tell Feyre the truth about her child. She’s her sister, even if you don’t want to believe, she truly cares for her. Someone has to and no one close to Feyre is going to because Rhysand commands their silence. Her own healer doesn’t explain the dangers of childbirth to her. Nesta sucks at phrasing it well but her reasons are valid and clear. When Feyre asks her to calm down, she says something along the lines of ‘I can’t because they made a choice that directly concerns me, my magic which I’m terrified of. Would you calm down if they did the same to you? What if I tell you they already did? That they’re lying to you too about the child that’s potentially a death sentence? Can you be calm now?’ There’s anger here, sure, only because that’s the second time her sister betrayed her, the first being the imprisonment. She wasn’t waiting around coming up with a list to hurt Feyre and running to her the first chance she got (you know like specific someone does). Besides, she trusted Rhysand and Cassian to do right by Feyre, it’s why she kept their secret until then. But they proved her wrong and now what reason does she have to trust any of them? Even if it is an avenging of sorts, why wouldn’t she have the right to when it’s her and her sister’s life they are playing with?

Rhysand’s first instinct is to kill Nesta more than be concerned for his mate. He was not angry because Feyre was hurt or Nesta revealed the truth before he could. He was never going to tell Feyre himself, not until childbirth unless he ‘fixes’ it to play the hero again, or after if by some miracle they survived. He didn’t even tell his friends about the death bargain the two geniuses made either until the last minute and when he was cornered. That’s his pattern throughout the series.

Do you know what he might have done if it’d gone as far as the labour without Feyre knowing? ‘Let’s not put her in any more pain.’ And Feyre would have died never knowing all her friends were aware of her fate and they didn’t tell her.

He was angry because Nesta ruined his ploy. Would he have reacted differently had she declared it calmly over dinner? Let’s say Nesta wants to invite Feyre and wants to talk to her. She’s in HoW and she has to ask Cassian who will, let’s face it, inform Rhysand first. And they can decide to keep them apart. How is it impossible to see the control these men have over the sisters? Even if it is a completely separate incident on a random boring Tuesday, Nesta will have still become the villain. Rhysand will have still threatened to kill her. 

Cassian whisks Nesta off the streets when she’s very well convinced that she’s either going to die or be dumped on the moral lands. I mean, he doesn’t tell her where he’s taking her and all she sees is Azriel passing him a packed bag. She’s already accepted her fate. Feyre reaches out to Cassian and asks him to convey the message that she’s forgiven Nesta which he keeps to himself. She insists her sister is brought back home which he refutes right away. She expresses clearly she’s angry with IC than her sister, again Nesta never knows. And Cassian decides Nesta deserves to be punished.

Just so we’re clear. Feyre is not angry with Nesta. She’s not hurt by Nesta’s actions. She wants her sister back home. And CASSIAN DECIDES NESTA DESERVES TO BE PUNISHED. Not Feyre. Not Rhysand.

Why? Because she stepped out of line, she exposed his precious sugar daddy. Because Cassian failed Rhysand by not getting to Nesta first and he’s taking it out on her.

You can say all you want Feyre is on Nesta’s side here and she’s being manipulated. But, she forgives Rhysand and Cassian in less than a day after learning her baby and her mate, whom she loves so dearly, are going to die with her. She’s so past it already that she’s joking with Cassian that Rhysand will enjoy Nesta’s punishment. (‘She’s never gone on a hike a day in her life’ but she went through the woods freezing to look for little sister alone with a mercenary, and she climbed down 10 000 steps out of sheer will. Still why not just insult her anyway lol?)

Does she know how dangerous the trip is or does she just not care? And I don’t remember if she goes on to have sex, I only remember Rhysand boasting about make-up sex in a mental convo with Cassian, and if it’s at this point, then that’s even more disturbing.

Why doesn’t she reach out to Nesta herself? Even if Nesta refuses, she can always try again. The two are gone for almost a week and she never wishes to check with her sister who ran off afraid for her life and guilt-ridden? How many times will the two men decide what’s best for her? The imprisonment is Rhysand’s elaborate plan which was very handy and the hike is Cassian’s idea. And she goes along either time because she is helpless with her own sister?

Besides, why do the IC even interfere? Feyre and Nesta are mean to each other. They hate each other. They make up one day. They want to rip each other’s throats out the next. Nesta wants to be far from her sisters, fine. She wants to drink and fuck and drown in her pain, fine. Feyre and Elain want her to heal soon, fine. Feyre wants to give her money, she wants to cut her off, fine. But it’s between them! 

Rhysand can hate Nesta all his life. But he has no right to dole out punishment or make her life miserable out of spite. He can’t be angry on behalf of Feyre. As far as Nesta/Elain are concerned, he is just a dude their sister is sleeping with. They don’t believe in the whole mate thing. And Cassian is just a random guy.

And people’s audacity to say Feyre respects Cassian’s choice because she’s being a good friend and he has the right to choose for himself..!

Cassian doesn’t go ‘Let me go on a hike until this blows over’. He doesn’t choose for himself. He chooses for a woman, who is clearly hurting and wanting to die, so that she learns her lesson of never, ever crossing the IC (read Rhysand). His choice is directly impacting someone who’s suicidal and whose family wants them back. He doesn’t have a right to punish Nesta. He has no business getting involved at all!

I mean, if a guy shows up at your house and decides to punish you for a fight you have with your sister, you’ll either murder and bury him together or call the cops, not fucking marry him. It doesn’t matter he’s best buddies with your sister’s lover. He’s a creep. 

And they say, Nesta deserves it all because she failed Feyre at the cabin. Their parents failed them. Nesta was the nurturer of the family, Elain was the emotional support, and Feyre was the provider—who could have taken literally any other job and, she chose hunting, but what Nesta and Elain did was irreplaceable. So for fuck’s sake, cut them some slack.

How can anyone read the book and believe all this was for Nesta, that any of them care about her, or that Cassian loves her? People would rather live in denial than accept what’s truly happening.

[nutler--kleinja]

My depiction of the title “CURE” for alnst round 6.

the meaning of this “Cure”, isn’t really a cure. It’s not a direct one, but in actuality, it’s a very twisted cure; a way of realising everything wrong.

The “Cure” for ivan, was finally clearly expressing his feelings for till. Letting go of all his worries for the one he loves, and that way, he’s “cured” through death. he sacrificed himself for till, and he finally got to do something for him, and let him live as he wants.

That way, he could finally find the “cure” of his “sickness”, being his unrequited emotions for till. That way, his quote “shallow emotions” could be let go.

As for till, his cure, was letting go of Mizi and realising what ivan did for him.

it is quite obvious how much he likes mizi, though for him, it’s a less “deep” type of love, like Ivan’s. it’s more a “she’s so sweet, I want her”, type of love; or maybe, the thing he could be in love with was the concept of being loved. i want likes so ill be writing more about this is another post lmao ill send the tumblr link in the comments

By finally understanding that Ivan had liked him, he could finally realise the true extent of their relationship; even if you can’t tell clearly, it seems obvious to an extent that he’s very close to ivan, with this drawing from vivinos being the outright proof if it.

Many a time, there is something where people are in denial of their feelings, or don’t even realise their presence i can relate she was so nice and sweet too i miss her and that could be the case with till.

his “illness” was never understanding how much he really loved ivan, because Ivan’s form of expressing his emotions was through physical violence(beating him up), being obsessive, or just weird in general. So, it would be natural that because of this, till consciously tries to make an effort to dislike ivan can relate again

There’s a common trend in eyes with alnst.

Mizi and Sua in round one, who were singing for the sake of living with one another, had a passionate and innocent look in their eyes, almost glowing. You can see the light in their eyes.

Till in round 2 had a crazed but, yet again, passionate look in his eyes, showing how he was singing for his obsession or infatuation with mizi.

ivan in round 3 had a calculative yet as i said before, passionate look in his eyes, because of his love for till, while having to appease the audience he was performing for.

however, Luka in round 5 had a dead look in his eyes, to show how he didn’t have anyone to sing for.

Mizi’s eyes in round 5 had a glow, but the look in her eyes was dreamy and dazed, showing how she was still thinking about sua’s death.

Hyuna’s eyes in all-in didn’t have the usual glow to it, yet it was still lifelike in a way, showing how she was singing for herself and herself only.

Ivan’s eyes in round 6 were yet again, calculative, much more dead this time, but there was still a hint of light in it, showing how he was singing this last song for till’s sake, for him to win.

On the other hand, till’s eyes in round 6 were dead and misty, showing his suffering after mizi’s death, without any will left.

yet, after ivan’s death, till’s eyes had a distresssed look to them, yet at the same time, he had a glow of how he looked in round 2, when he was fighting for mizi.

His “cure” was realising everything about ivan, and hopefully in round 7, trying his best for him, so he himself could live on for the sake if ivan.

It’s less of an actual direct positive meaning of cure, but more of a roundabout way of passing the message; of a realisation of their own emotions, and finally letting go.

[melrosing]

Sorry if you’ve talked about this before but I can’t find it if you have. What are your thoughts on Jaime’s role in the Tysha situation?

I don't think I have actually talked about this at any particular length before?? which is weird bc i have thought about it a lot but to quickly summarise before launching into it:

I think Jaime's part in this is a human failing. it wasn't a malicious or spiteful act, but an ignorant one

that said, I think it's basically unforgivable regardless. Tysha and Tyrion are the only people who could forgive him for this and even if Tyrion does, I really doubt we'll ever learn Tysha's feelings on the matter

imo the way in which Jaime ultimately decides to come clean is near enough the cruelest thing he does, even if he didn't mean it to be

so first off, I don't think Jaime has ever truly believed that Tyrion couldn't be loved (in the romantic sense, anyway). Jaime himself is someone who loves despite appearances, and it seems he knows pretty soon after telling Tyrion the lie about Tysha that it wasn't really a kindness, but in fact the worst thing he's ever done (so far!!)

I also think if it hadn't been for what Tywin subsequently put Tyrion and Tysha through with the guards, Jaime would've come clean shortly after telling the lie. but after that, no doubt it felt almost impossible to do so, because the damage was now outsized and there was little chance Tyrion and Tysha would be able to return to what they had.

but he does tell the lie to begin with, and I think that is because Jaime lives in an ableist society and is touched by the stink. he loves Tyrion and Tyrion's disability has never impeded that love, but it has meant that Jaime has failed him many times, sometimes without even knowing he has. for one thing, I think he has failed to realise just how much Tyrion has suffered through childhood. he comes to some revelation following his maiming at the hand of the mummers:

Sometimes he even wept, until he heard the Mummers laughing. Then he made his eyes go dry and his heart go dead, and prayed for his fever to burn away his tears. Now I know how Tyrion has felt, all those times they laughed at him. (JAIME IV, ASOS)

however, it suggests that whilst Jaime has never been laughing with 'them', the full extent of his understanding has necessarily been limited. besides that, I think Jaime has always been in a unique position where he could have definitively stood up to Tywin and Cersei in terms of how they treat Tyrion - he alone had the ability to withhold something until they did so, whether that be love or obedience. but obviously he lets his fear of his father/codependency with Cersei get in the way of that, so.

he's also carelessly partaken in ableism without thinking, indeed in front of Tyrion - whether that's in calling him 'the Imp' (something Tyrion can reclaim but Jaime certainly can't), or this fucking gem:

"Even if the boy does live, he will be a cripple. Worse than a cripple. A grotesque. Give me a good clean death." Tyrion replied with a shrug that accentuated the twist of his shoulders. "Speaking for the grotesques," he said, "I beg to differ. Death is so terribly final, while life is full of possibilities." (TYRION I, AGOT)

again, doesn't really matter if Jaime has been able to push past some of the ableism others have adopted, the stink is still on him.

so, when Tywin dictated the lie he wanted Jaime to tell, I can imagine he was in two minds. on the one hand, Jaime loves Tyrion, wants Tyrion to be happy, and would be pleased if Tyrion found happiness with someone who truly loves him back. once again, Jaime himself loves despite appearances, and so I don't think he would ever have found it inconceivable that Tysha honestly loved Tyrion.

but again, he lives in an ableist society, and so when Tywin tells Jaime that Tysha's love was cynical, that might have seemed possible, too. Jaime has grown up in a world that has called Tyrion a monster since birth. it doesn't matter if Jaime doesn't think Tyrion is a monster; he knows that much of the world does, and accepts (if only for a time) that Tywin's assessment of Tysha could be true.

then there's the fact that once Tywin has made a decision, perhaps Jaime thought Tyrion and Tysha's relationship was a lost cause; besides that, if Tysha were taking advantage, Jaime doesn't want Tyrion to be hurt by it. hence, "a kindness". it's all deeply flawed logic, but again, this isn't about malice or spite on Jaime's part: it's ignorance mixed up ableism, and human failing.

then ofc, Tywin does what he does to Tyrion and Tysha and that's it. Jaime figures there's no way he could tell Tyrion the truth now without causing him even greater pain, and keeps quiet for the foreseeable future, retaining that as one of his very deepest regrets. because Jaime knows near enough immediately that he was lying to himself as well: he knows full well that Tyrion can love and be loved, and yet he propagated Tywin's lie..... for what.

could get into the absolute fucking tragedy of Jaime and Tyrion, practically the only two out of the Tywin/Cersei/Jaime/Tyrion quartet with a genuinely uncomplicated, loving relationship, having their love turned to poison by the worst dad of all time. but another time

then to move into ASOS: look like I don't know if it was ever the right thing to tell Tyrion the truth once the thing was done. I can see both sides: one, Tyrion deserves to know that he can be loved, and has been loved. two, how the fuck is Tyrion supposed to feel knowing the truth, and that his whole life he's been living a lie.

but I think the biggest problem is that Jaime doesn't really reckon with that so much as his own desire to be honest and do right and come clean etc. he certainly knows how much he risks hurting Tyrion or else he wouldn't have kept quiet all this time, but it seems at least part of it is about honesty for the sake of cleansing himself rather than doing right by Tyrion.

he also. forgets to apologise??

"For your gold, Father said. She was lowborn, you were a Lannister of Casterly Rock. All she wanted was the gold, which made her no different from a whore, so . . . so it would not be a lie, not truly, and . . . he said that you required a sharp lesson. That you would learn from it, and thank me later . . ." "Thank you?" Tyrion's voice was choked. "He gave her to his guards. A barracks full of guards. He made me . . . watch." Aye, and more than watch. I took her too . . . my wife . . . "I never knew he would do that. You must believe me." (TYRION XI, ASOS)

like I think Jaime is honestly sorry. he's afraid to tell Tyrion because he's sorry, he accepts Tyrion's punch because he's sorry, etc. but he never manages to actually say it, he's too busy trying to make himself understood. he wants Tyrion to understand why he did what he did, and it's like. why would Tyrion give a fuck why right now, he'd trying to reckon with the impact it's had on him, and the fact that he and Tysha lost their happiness together and suffered so horribly for nothing.

so whilst I think it's human to botch an apology like this, to be so busy trying to explain yourself you forget to apologise at all, and that you're meant to be centring the victim of your wrong. but it is still fucking wrong lol. Jaime gets it so, so wrong.

all of that to say, I don't think Jaime has ever wanted to hurt Tyrion, but he has - he has hurt him badly. doesn't negate his love for Tyrion - it says in his own POV that Cersei and Tyrion are the two people he cares most about in the world. but he fucks it. partly because of the ableist society he lives in, partly because of the toxic family dynamic he's part of, and partly because he's human, and that's the tragedy.

[theeternalwombtarot]

energy update 🧿: 8/18/23

Things are getting real out here for real so I decided I’d give you guys an energy update and some guidance from spirit because I’m sure they’d be helpful and you’d find some peace in this reading today. So many things are shifting, we’re all undergoing so many changes and experiences and I pride myself in my ability to bring people guidance, help them understand what’s going on, confirm their intuition, and validate their experiences and beliefs. In my own life, I’ve got a very intricate and complex story of my own that I live with and alchemize to the best of my ability and draw my power and motivation from to continue striving forward and striving towards better. I want many things in life but what I want most on a soul level is a better world and I live my life every day setting forth the energy and taking actions that resonate with that goal.

When things get hard for you and you feel alone or like you’re the only person on the planet that is struggling or having a hard time to the extent that you are take power and peace from the important fact that as a collective we move through these energies and challenges together and are always in connection with another. Not to invalidate yourself and find proof that there are others in the world who are suffering as well therefore your problems are worth less but to validate yourself in knowing that we are a collective and we are breathing and pushing through this as one. 🤎

***

i.

I see you purging a lot of internal energies here pile one. There’s an energy here of someone coughing up a lot of stuff they’ve had within themselves buried deep for a long time or a lot of things really coming to the surface they hadn’t seen in themselves before or things they hadn’t seen in themselves in a really long time. And all of this is coming up for a good reason because you can’t take it with you into the next step of your life. Things could feel very unstable for you at this time as well. There are a lot of insecurities coming to the surface here and maybe even aspects of someone’s shadow self and they’re really taken aback by this or are unaware of where these things are coming from. You could be experiencing a lot of shame lately as well attached to certain habits you have or there are self-limiting beliefs attached to your relationships and connections and the way you show up in them or in the way you think of these people or your connection with them.

There’s something about this energy that I’m having a hard time tapping into and really truly understanding. It seems to be like you’ve been in a very confused energy. This hurtle you’re getting over is very large and complex. I’m hearing something about someone’s home life as well being significant within this part of their lives or even just foundations in their life. People who’ve been around you a long time (ex. Parents, friends, lovers, etc.) and your connection with them and how those relationships affect you and other aspects of your life and being, I’m sensing some sort of cataclysm or some type of coming undone of something or some type of rising action leading up to or towards something here. Spirit is telling me about these things from your past or these things that have come from deep within that are coming up because there is a reset in store for you or a new life you’re about to receive. I’m hearing “things get worse before they get better” or there’s a deep internal purging happening for your greater good.

There are questions coming up about when and how things occurred and what really happened. You could be thinking back on past events or things that have happened in the past or you’ve been in this energy of digging up things. The reason behind trauma you have, how certain events in your life that caused a lot of trouble came to be, what type of people you were around, and the things that happened while you were in communication with them. I chose this young girl for the cover of pile ones pile. The inner child is very significant. The past is very significant. I’m hearing, “push. push. push.” Things could’ve been rough for you lately or you could’ve been incredibly tired or drained of energy for whatever reason but there is this need to push through and overcome and your spirit guides, I’m talking everyone, deities, guardian angels, ancestors, the divine mother. Everyone is in your ear collectively pushing you on and telling you to trudge through whatever this mud is. Life as you know it is coming. You are to be born again.

I’m hearing you hear the guides too. You’re very spiritually connected at this time. Their power runs through you. And I’m getting you could’ve been sent some kind of bad juju or people could’ve been working with deities or entities to send you trouble and misfortune and really squash your power but even these spirits want to stand behind you and support you. There’s a very powerful energy radiating from this group here. Someone has a very powerful lineage or is destined for something very big and the ancestors are not playing about you anymore they're tired of people and things bothering you or trying to stand in your way and knock you down. All these delays and all of this stuff that's come up is for a very good reason. It’s like you’re being blessed and all of your problems and anything that weighs you down and keeps you stuck is being dragged out of you. You’re coming into all your power. The spirits are getting very excited. There is about to be a celebration.

Spirit sees how energetically drained you’ve felt, how unable to do what you need to do you felt, how tired, how open and vulnerable your mind has been these past couple of days to negative thoughts and heavy emotional distress. I’m hearing a lot of you thought this energy was your own as well. There was a dangerous combination of natural purging occurring and for some of you whomever this person was doing magic on you or sending you evil eye and bad juju but you’re learning to take the energy sent to you and reel it in and turn it into your own. People are waiting and watching trying to see if you come out of this unscathed and you will because you’re protected and you’re divine. You’re being heavily advised to put your energy and your power into building this empire for yourself. Your success is brewing. Spirit wants you to take your ambition and feed it into leveling up and expanding. It’s about to be a whole new you.

With this moon card in reverse you’re releasing these fears, you’re letting all this stuff come up and you’re being empowered by it. Im hearing someone doing an evil laugh. Someone’s little villain era is coming. Justice is coming. This is not a drill. You’ve been talking to the spirits. The greats are reaching out to you. Answer the call. Your spirit team is growing. You’re about to be untouchable. Remember in The Princess and the Frog when Dr. Facilier was talking about how he had friends on the other side? This is exactly that energy lol.

𝐴𝑓𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛: “𝐼 𝑎𝑚 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑤.”

***

ii.

Spirit has a lot of messages for you. I didn’t ask for this many cards but they were adamant on the amount they gave me. I’m getting this urgency or this high priority. You need to hear this they want you to receive it. They gave me 11 cards. 11 is a very powerful number all on its own. But as a soul number, it is magnificent. this blew my mind on a personal level. I see you working on something, this is big, it’s personal. You could be doing a lot of inner work or you could be really growing or preparing for something or all three of those things but there’s an energy of preparation, getting ready to receive a large blessing or getting ready for something big to come into fruition for you and preparing yourself to be the person you need to be to receive it. And I hear you’re working on this behind people's backs or you’re real quiet like about it. 🧿. I’m hearing you get what it means and how important it is to keep things private in order to protect them while you’re waiting for them to come to fruition for you or grow.

You’re about to come into some money here, you’re about to step into this big provider energy or you’re working on your finances so that you could be this figure. Some of you or building lives for yourselves in general, for some of you, you’re masculine energies and you’re building yourself up and getting your money and finances together to give someone the offer of a lifetime. There could’ve been a lot of inner conflict that you had and held onto that kept you from having something you truly wanted or getting this key wish fulfillment in your life and this time is coming to an end for you with this five of wands in reverse. You could’ve been holding onto a karmic lover as well or karmic people and karmic cycles and you’ve just about dropped all of this. I’m getting the energy of you casting these energies out or exorcising these energies out of your life and from within you.

And there’s conflict here regarding whatever it is or whomever it is you’re getting rid of cause whatever it is or whomever it is has their claws in you deep or it doesn’t want to let go of you because they sense that you’ve got big energy and you’re destined for great things but these people and things are leeches and energy vampires and I’m hearing you really don’t give a fuck at all. You’re ready to finally go to war behind your peace and behind what’s yours. You’re coming into your power and seeing your strength here. You’re manifesting your happiness. In life, in love. And you’re ready to receive it. There are very big gifts and very big wish fulfillments coming in for you or that you desire. And using the word happiness doesn’t feel big enough or even like it fully encapsulates what type of abundance, peace, and wholeness we’re talking about coming in for you. This is huge. Things are about to shift drastically. I’m hearing in a week or a month. And once those floodgates open the abundance isn’t going to stop flowing in. Like I’m getting a high flood warning here or a tsunami. It’s gonna wash anything in its path away.

Whatever these karmic people or relationships are or energies are, they’re gonna come crashing down very soon. Expect it. And I’m hearing you’ll be unscathed by this because you know it was time and behind this gigantic tower of karmic energies lies a bright meadow. You will be able to watch the sun being born. Any type of inner confusion and illusions will be done for and dealt with. Your spirit guides and ancestors are going to finish these people and these energies off, pack your shit and they’ll handle the rest. There’s a car waiting for you outside. You’re taken care of and protected. You’re gonna be in tune with your intuition, with the divine mother (God), with your higher self, with your ancestors as these events have birthed a spiritual awakening for you. Your time is now. Nothing can stop you where you’re going. Any type of heartbreak. Any blockages. Any type of feelings of shame or disappointment and anger. Will be washed away and gone forever. Your divine feminine is coming (or divine masculine). In separation? Not anymore. No contact? No. Union? Yes. Spirit is having all your boxes checked for you.

𝐴𝑓𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛: “𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐼 𝑔𝑜, 𝑎𝑏𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑎𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑙𝑙𝑜𝑤𝑠.”

***

iii.

Spirit is telling me that you’ve been harvesting a lot of ambition. There is something that you want. A lifestyle you desire, a connection, whatever this wish fulfillment is you’re very determined to get it. You have to have it. It will be yours. You could be working very hard towards financial independence or are manifesting financial independence and spirit is telling me that money is necessary to get where you want to go or to give yourself the opportunities that you want within this life. You could’ve come from poverty here or there’s some type of aspect of your early life or some type of conflict in these foundational areas in your life that bring about this manifestation or this desire to be abundant and have these things for yourself.

There’s something coming in here too about you finally having the energy and the true desire to evolve and express yourself and show yourself to the world. You could’ve talked about these manifestations or talked about your desires a lot and may not have taken any action towards these dreams or put as much energy as you could’ve into these manifestations but that’s not going to be your reality anymore. Like I’m hearing you’ve had a sudden realization or some type of power up or something happened around you that really pushed you into this space of self-awareness and self-growth. This could’ve been some sort of large loss. A loss of a connection or something incredibly significant that you could’ve sucked a lot of energy from or kept yourself supported against.

You could’ve lost a friend or a lover or a family member that you really leeched off of (even if you weren’t consciously aware) this person gave you a lot of validation, gave you a lot of energy, or really kept you in an energy where you weren’t tuned into the energetic frequency to tune in and understand what you needed to do, how you needed to change or wake up to realizing that the life you were living, the habits, the mindsets, the behaviors you held onto weren’t good for you and weren’t going to get you the happiness and abundance you’d been asking spirit and the universe for. This person pulled themselves from underneath you and it may have really shaken you up and sent you into a dark night of the soul and really shone some light on your shadow.

But now that this mental clarity, this breakthrough, this newfound perspective, and understanding have been bestowed upon you, you’re stepping into your power and mustering up the energy and the courage to completely transform your life. You could’ve played a significant role in this person's life and could’ve been the villain in their story or simply just weren’t able to be the best person to them at the time that you knew them and it was within your path and within this persons divine purpose to shake things up for you and teach you a lesson by taking their leave. Your nine of cups is coming. Finally, you’re going to be happy and content in life or be able to have something to show for in all areas of life and be able to truly curate the lifestyle and the experiences you want for yourself.

This situation was meant to give you courage and push you into the action you needed and open up your mind so that you can improve and do better.

𝐴𝑓𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛: “𝑓𝑎𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑖𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑠𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑤𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑣𝑒 𝑖𝑛.”

***

iv.

Some of you have been disconnected from a connection that has played a large part in your life or kept you in one place, physically speaking or emotionally and spiritually. This could’ve been someone who contributed to self-limiting beliefs and insecurities within self and/or played a role in your life that brought to light any self-limiting beliefs and karmic energies or aspects of your shadow self. I see someone recovering here or coming to terms with some sort of ending or coming to terms with some sort of truth that was revealed to them in terms of this connection and in terms of their own belief systems, behaviors, and views of self. You could feel very alone right now and may even be in an energy of pessimism or be incredibly worried or anxious at this time due to rapid change and not knowing where you’re headed or what’s going to happen next.

But, this person, this connection or whatever this is that you’ve been disconnected from was divinely orchestrated and you’re being realigned or your path here or I’m hearing rerouted and turned around. Whatever this was, was meant to be temporary for you and you weren’t meant to keep it. I’m hearing it’s not yours to keep. If this is a person, they could’ve not done anything inherently bad to you or said anything hurtful or harmful but they could just have simply not been super into you or your energy and may have left you feeling very needy and unheard and unseen oftentimes. I’m getting that this person isn’t YOUR person or your divine counterpart and this is why they aren’t deeply connected to you and this person may hide this from you or be very guarded and out of reach. This relationship or this person was meant to send you into hermit mode, into isolation so that you can see yourself and identify what needs to be worked on and be pushed into self-growth and expansion.

You could’ve gone out of your way to keep this person or bent over backward to try to keep this person in your energy and may have really stepped into a side of yourself that isn’t very good at making decisions or who doesn’t value herself/himself and behaves in a way that reflects that. Everything that’s come up and is coming up is for a reason, for you to look at and see for yourself because whatever this is has caused a bit of a tower moment for you I’m getting. This person or whatever this is could’ve been taken from you already or you could be on the verge of disconnecting with this person or breaking up with this person. I see you being very exhausted, burnt out, and confused. You could be really in your head about this or really heavily thinking about what’s going on within your connection or the things about you that have come to the surface.

There may be conflict about this situation with this person. I’m hearing arguments or disagreements or this really heavy push-and-pull dynamic. You could be pulling this person, trying to remove blockages and barriers and they’re pushing you away further and moving further away from you and you may be feeling a lot of loss and heartbreak regarding this situation. I hear you being very frustrated and not really truly understanding why you’re experiencing what you’re experiencing. And it has everything to do with you and your own shadow and self-limiting ideas and beliefs. This person reflects back to you, your own karmic energies. When you decide to hold self-respect for yourself and release things that are no longer serving you and take the leap and make that decision to be done with this because you’re no longer choosing to live this way or accept this for yourself things will begin opening up for you and you will then have time for yourself to grow the way you’re meant to. This person is a karmic. They may not be intentionally or consciously causing you harm or mirroring back to you your own karmic energies but they need to. You and this person are and were teaching each other important lessons. You’re teaching them the reality of choosing to be where you do not truly desire to be. And they’re teaching you what it feels like to not be valued and that it is your choice to continue to be treated that way and not grow into an energy of self-love and alignment.

𝐴𝑓𝑓𝑖𝑟𝑚𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛: “𝐼 𝑎𝑚 𝑟𝑒𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 ℎ𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓.”

***

I’m offering you guys an apology for not being able to push out readings and do what I needed these past 2-3 days. I was going through a cleansing period and I needed to purge and ground. But, I’ve gotten my energy back and I’m ready to come back and do my work for the collective. I hope these readings helped or gave you some sort of enlightenment, encouragement, or confirmed your intuition. I chose to include four piles today because I intuitively felt that this was a very broad collective and the messages would be very specific to those reading. Wishing you the best of luck🤞🏾 lots of love, forgiveness, and understanding. Wishing that you can find that within yourself and that others can find those same things within you in order to release any negative energies, fears, and emotions so that we may all move on and enjoy our lives peacefully and in harmony. I’ll talk to you another time. Please come see me again soon! 🧿

(Book a personal with me with the link in my Instagram bio!)

[librarycard]

I thought i was done with talking about my chemical romance fandoms crazy gender essentialism and transmisogyny and misogyny in general but i have one more thing. actually two. because i have yet to discuss why this is so personal to me.

number one: i really, really hope you people don’t talk to trans women like that in real life.

number two and in relation to that: the way people (you know who they are, or you don’t, in which case consider this a general statement.) are about trans people, trans women specifically i should say, and have been talking about trans people on here in general, has been deeply concerning to me because what they’re doing has happened to me.

when someone is dealing with their gender identity, you dont just tell them what they are. You can make it a safe place for someone to come out WHEN THEY ARE READY just by being openly supportive and in arms with transness and the transgender community. unless a person is going through immense obvious suffering and cannot understand why that’s the case you should NOT fucking walk up to people and just tell them what they are because 1 you are not them and therefore can’t be sure 2 that isn’t your place and 3 everyone deserves to be able to figure out to what extent they would like to address their gender dysphoria and what their desired timeline for doing so is.

you can say IF THE SITUATION CALLS FOR IT “hey, it seems like you might be struggling with issues related to gender. have you heard of transgender people? if so, do you feel like addressing your problems through this lens might help alleviate your suffering?” <- or similar. of course, i figured this should be obvious to trans people, who typically (bar conservative “transmedicalists” who make for an entirely different conversation that i don’t want to have) know exactly how harmful the inherent association of physiological and sociological traits in human beings with gender identity (and, by extension, gender dysphoria) is.

but really just making sure a person knows it’s cool and awesome and most of all OKAY to be transgender openly if they want to is the most important. you don’t do this by telling them who they are but by exhibiting public love for and solidarity with trans people. it’s always supposed to be on their terms, not yours. if you realized you were gay or trans because someone told you you were, that’s okay. i’m ecstatic that you were able to discover that about yourself and i’m glad it did you more good than harm. but almost never does the situation call for that; as you should know, you are not the transgender monolith; there is no monolith; there is no straightforward path.

there is only support and solidarity, which is not the same as declaring that someone is x when they themselves have not clarified it or rather need drastic intervention for their mental wellbeing and are genuinely blatantly clueless. i promise you most people struggling with gender identity aren’t clueless and know they’re uncomfortable with the box they’ve been put in, so don’t feel like you should just go ahead and pick a different box.

now on the personal side: it was really harmful for me when someone who wasn’t even transmasc told me i was a transgender man and that i should just accept that. my gender identity was more complex than that and i was addressing it on my own terms at the time internally because it wasn’t the business of others. publicly, i told people i was okay with using any pronouns and i disclosed the name i went by, as well as telling people i felt kinship with transness, but that was it. (if you’re reading this as someone that is aware of the celebrity-stranger central to the discussion at hand, you may be familiar with their own similar public disclosures.)

the way that maleness was foisted onto me by (well meaning) others made me collapse in on myself. they used he/him pronouns for me and barraged me with questions about my comfort with she/they/etc, as if i did not know better than them.

in the end, i just wasn’t good at being a man. pursuing maleness made me feel worse about myself because it was incongruent with my internal experience. not always, of course, because i am mostly a masculine/gnc person, but there were key aspects of being a trans man i exhibited because people told me i was one that made me uncomfortable, and i, just wanting relief, chose to pursue that angle seeing as it was other members of the lgbt community that pointed me there. im from a small town in the bible belt deep south and i’d never seen the world, because my family was poor and conservative and there was nothing for them otherwise. my new college friends were from big cities and had seen much more of the world than i had.

in truth, i should have been allowed to figure it out as i would have liked to. these people were aware that i knew about transgenderism and related to it, and i had told them what pronouns i wanted them to use, but they continued to apply pressure onto me. to this day, years later, i am devastated that i was robbed of my path to self discovery as it might have come about naturally. i would have made some choices the exact same, such as hrt and top surgery, but the emotional gravity of what i experienced will always stay with me, and the insecurities that came with it are still being shaken off.

this is my personal experience, but i know other people have felt similar pressure to conform to what they’ve been identified as by outsiders who were flat out transvestigating them.

i’m trans; i love being trans; i love my transgender brothers and sisters, i love trans men and women, and i love gnc people and the nonbinary identity, which has more or less fit like a glove and allowed for self expression that has ultimately been the most comfortable for me.

i am not saying i am going to be the leading example of all trans people, but i am an example of the consequences of these kinds of invasive claims.

if you’ve made the conversation at hand a “we the gerard way transgender believers and knowers vs the deniers who claim gerard is male” you have lost, because that is not what people believe. I would say most of us are very comfortable associating gerard with transness because they themself have expressed kinship and solidarity with us.

i hope if you took the time to read this you take all i say in good faith and understand why this conversation has hit home for me so personally. i hope you were able to understand why i am so distressed by those standing on a soapbox preaching harmful rhetoric and practices. and i hope that people who have engaged in said practices perhaps discover that they are hurting a lot of trans people, out or not, and i hope that they express love for out trans women more than pursue what they appear to believe are “closet cases” or “flagging”. i hope we all learn from this as a community online and choose to engage only with gerard’s gender to the extent that they’ve verbally signaled they are comfortable with, which includes not assigning them labels, whether that be female, male, trans woman, cisgender, or otherwise, and at least when talking about them seriously, using their pronouns (no, i don’t think you lovingly calling gerard your girlfriend is the crime here. it’s why you do it that’s the issue; you aren’t doing it with solely affection but rather with a motive as well.)

just let them, as well as other people, especially those you might encounter in your day to day life, be themselves without argument or unnecessary investigation. just leave people alone about their gender identity, please.

[whinlatter]

I don't understand why Harry would testify that students weren't really harmed at Hogwarts AFTER finding out that Ginny was tortured so bad she suffered cognitive impairments and she can't even fly because of it.

🚨 spoiler alert for chapter 13 🚨

it’s a good question! the short answer is: this is the year of harry potter realising stuff. the long answer is below the cut!

i don’t think harry would ever say he is arguing students weren’t seriously harmed — especially, as you say, because he has now has good reason to believe ginny has suffered greatly at school and is deeply troubled by it, even if he doesn’t really know details and the extent of it yet. the trouble is, he’s just now clocking that there’s a gaping hole in some of the things he’s been telling himself as reassurance about what hogwarts was like during the war.

the problem for harry is that, for a long time, and certainly clear as day in canon throughout DH, he thinks hogwarts is a safe and (relatively) comfortable place during the war ('This scant news made Harry want to see Ginny so badly it felt like a stomachache... indeed, as Phineas Nigellus talked about Snape’s crackdown, Harry experienced a split second of madness when he imagined simply going back to school to join the destabilization of Snape’s regime: Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospect in the world at that moment.') during the war, he thinks snape is the biggest problem hogwarts has to worry about. even when he finds out from neville and co. pre the battle that things haven’t been rosy, he still doesn’t see the sufferings of hogwarts students as sufficiently bad to, say, commit to freeing them all from the carrows’ rule. the boy is trying to dip.

but then of course harry finds out snape is innocent, and, i suspect, would be committed to something of a one-man campaign to exonerate him after the war (he is the only person who can clear snape’s name: he does not name his son after him for nothing). and this was how harry has been thinking about the hogwarts inquiry for months in beasts: an opportunity to get the truth out about snape. he’s been saying since chapter 5 that, if there’s any investigation, he’ll only take the stand to use it as a platform to keep defending snape’s posthumous reputation. harry wants to show up, say his piece — that snape was a great hero who was working for dumbledore all along, and trying to protect the students on dumbledore’s orders — and leave the inquiry to the people who were actually there.

as you say, though, harry now knows things weren't all peachy at hogwarts for ginny. but by taking the stand, and taking hard searching questions from investigators, harry is having to clock for the first time that maybe two things can’t be true: that snape was doing everything he could to protect hogwarts’ students (or at least, snape alone was enough to stop awful punishments happening to ginny and the rest of the DA), and also that hogwarts students, including ginny, weren’t safe at hogwarts and actually suffered great harm despite dumbledore’s man being in the headmaster’s office. it’s a problem for harry; he’s working out in real time that his logic is flawed and that maybe, even despite snape being headmaster, hogwarts was not the safe place for his friends — and, especially, for ginny — he hoped and imagined it would be. i was trying to show this a few times in this chapter — when he says on the stand that, if snape hadn't been there, things would have been worse (probably true, but a low bar); when he asks ginny to reassure him re the forest detention, which he's clearly clinging to as an example of where snape saved ginny's life (ginny doesn't respond); and when he has his nightmare after testifying, a nightmare that, it's implied, is about ginny coming to harm in some way. harry's post-war arc is basically having to wrap his brain around the fact that things aren't as black and white as he may previously have thought - who is a goodie and a baddie, or that, for all that he was the chosen one, he wasn't the only person who had a bad war, for instance. and this is one of those things. he'll get there! but, as ever with hjp, the answer is: he's just had to have something obvious pointed out to him, and he's having to let it soak.

[mirageofadesert]

On a heartless path of his own: A character study of Tantai Jin from TTEOTM

aka: an excuse to talk about Tantai Jin, as well as Luo Yunxi's acting, excessively

For some reason all media in these posts were taken down due to acopy right claim. You can still see them on reddit!

Born into tragedy, living out someone else's script, destined to suffer all the hardships of humanity, only to rise above it all and ascend to godhood - Tantai Jin's journey is one of epic proportions. It's a story of struggling to control your own destiny, learning to love and grow, but ultimately sacrificing everything for the greater good. And while the story is larger than life, Luo Yunxi's excellent acting grounds it in humanity - drawing the audience into the tragedy that is the life and death of Tantai Jin, Ye Xiwu's husband.

The empowerment of embracing powerlessness

“Dignity? It means nothing to me. For me, personally, this bowl of rice matters more. I can’t survive without food. But I had had dignity would have died long ago.” (TTJ in E02)

As a devil's fetus, Tantai Jin is born without love strings and therefore without the ability to process emotions. This is exacerbated by the loveless and harsh conditions in which he grows up. Struggling to survive from an early age, Tantai Jin lacks any form of control or agency in his own life. The audience pities him, easily excusing his psychotic tendencies on the unfortunate circumstances of his life. And while this is true to an extent, in the context of Till The End Of The Moon's literary and poetic approach to storytelling, I would argue that he is also a "Kunstfigur" - a symbol of humanity, rather than the representation of a real person.

In this sense, Tantai Jin is a stylistic device to tell a story about humanity and fate. The term "Kunstfigur" comes from German literature and theater, and describes a character who stands at a certain distance from reality, i.e. reflects it in some way. Tantai Jin did not become evil, he was born with something evil. The people around him abused him, not just because it's human nature to do so, but because they noticed that there was something wrong with him, something unsettling. We see this best in his two maids who witnessed his birth and childhood. The actions of all these characters are not meant to be realistic, they are a comment on the reality of humanity. This is what makes Till The End Of The Moon such a compelling (and controversial) drama.

What makes Tantai Jin's suffering so special is that even when he reaches a new low, he never seems truly weak. There is so much emotion in his expression that even when he is deliberately schools his face to look indifferent, you can always see a hint of underlying emotion, often some kind of deviance, burning in his eyes.

Saving face, avoiding humiliation and embarrassment are powerful incentives for behavior. Pride or ego make us try to avoid these negative experiences. But what if these negative experiences determined our entire lives? Tantai Jin fears neither humiliation nor belittlement, only hunger and betrayal. He has not only become accustomed to them, he is unable to process them properly. More than that, he has understood how accepting humiliation can be empowering in itself. There is power in being seen as weak. There is power in making others think they have power over you. There is power in letting go of pride. There is power in not fighting back, in not giving others the satisfaction of seeing you struggle and suffer. And it's not just that he lacks the threads of love and doesn't understand human emotion. It's the way he accepts his fate that makes him feel powerful.

This is unique for a character in fiction. Such a role is usually reserved for the court jester or a concubine. Tantai Jin is neither. I think what makes these characters so different is also Luo Yunxi's subtle but excellent acting skills. He is able to portray weakness without ever feeling weak. His approach to acting allows him to express many complex emotions in every single scene. It's not just in his facial expressions, but also in the way he immerses himself in a character, studying it beforehand and pushing himself to his physical limits when necessary. I don't think many actors would be able to create such a convincing character as Tantai Jin.

This last scene is fascinating not only because of the excellent acting, which makes the special effects seem almost real because of the convincing way Luo Yunxi interacts with them. It's also interesting for other reasons: After Tantai Jin feels real (magical) power the first few times, it's implied that he will succumb to it, become hungry and greedy for more - but he never does. These episodes (e.g. the nightmare demon and the crow attack during the wedding) are meant to give the audience a glimpse of a possible future in which Tantai Jin becomes fully evil, which never materialises. When Tantai Jin comes to power, he's nothing like the Devil God.

He does feed excessively on demons, but this is either never shown on screen or presented as a necessity of war. He gains his throne not in a great battle, but through small acts of power rather than great ones - fending off rodents, sharing soup with the court officials, showing humility and wit with the scholars, and making positive changes to social policy so that his people don't have to suffer hunger and hardship as they once did. On the battlefield, Tantai Jin's power is great, and no opponent stands a chance against him. But being a king is not just about the power of one man - it's about the lives of the soldiers he leads, the lives of his people, the safety of his tribe and the happiness of the woman he loves.

Setting on a path of love

“The immortals say, body, heart, and mind are three different parts. When the three parts are unified, the internal elixir is formed. Empty thy heart to unite soul and character. Calm thy body to silent energy and mood. Steady thy mind then all three merge into one. Destroy your desire for romantic love, and then you can understand the universe and all lives. This is the one and only way of the Hearless Way. (LSS in E06)

At the beginning of the story, Tantai Jin is on the opposite path to the Heartless Way. He has no real desire for romantic love, until Li Susu as Ye Xiwu awakens those feelings. Moreover, her kindness takes root in his heart and begins to blossom. Quite literally, as you can see in the scene below:

Through Li Susu's acts of care and love, as well as her determination to protect his life, Tantai Jin slowly falls in love with her. Even without her, he was never cold-hearted. He was compassionate towards animals, never unnecessarily cruel - at least not on purpose or before he was pushed too far. So his newfound ability to process emotions and experience love is not limited to Li Susu/Ye Xiwu.

He shows it to his mother's tribe, in his negotiating skills with Ye Quingyu, in his relationships with Pianran and Nian Baiyu, and in his ability to lead a country. He is a natural leader and a good ruler. Tantai Jin proves to be tenacious and hardworking, loyal, intelligent and even dignified.

in certain mannerisms, or in the elaborate way Tantai Jin dresses now that he has access to proper clothing. Or in the way he personally leads his army, just as Mingye did. (Mingye's influence may be most visible when Tantai Jin becomes Cang Jiumin). It may even have influenced his views on Ye Bingchang. Most importantly, however, is his shared experience of the tragic but deep love between Mingye and Sangjiu. He slowly begins to face and accept his feelings for Ye Xiwu and tries to win her over - while still learning to process feelings of love, jealousy and rejection. His love for Ye Xiwu becomes obsessive and suffocating. His insecurity and jealousy become blinding to a degree that costs Xian Lin his life and Ye Xiwu her freedom.

The battle for Tantai Jin's heart has always been both emotional and magical, as the evil bone resides within it, leaving Li Susu no choice but to pierce it with nails manifested from the love the same heart felt for her.

After Ye Xiwu's death and sacrifice, Tantai Jin loses his mind in grief. His morbid obsession with Ye Xiwu leads him to hold onto her corpse, and later drives him to take his own life in an attempt to be reunited. After failing, Tantai Jin spends the next 500 years single-mindedly searching for his beloved's soul, experiencing excruciating pain on a daily basis. The tragedy of this event is that he is searching for the wrong soul. He still doesn't know when someone else took over Ye Xiwu's body, or what the flashback Ye Xiwu showed him in her last moment really means.

His love for Ye Xiwu has blinded him to everyone around him: His friends, his subordinates, and his people. He no longer cares about anything but his dead wife, not even his own life.

The Heartless Way

There is a misconception about the Heartless Way, especially among international audiences who lack cultural context. It's rooted in Buddhist and Daoist ideas that "heaven and earth are heartless" or "heaven and earth are not partial". What this means is that the Heartless Way is not devoid of emotion, it's quite the opposite: It is about overcoming personal attachments so that one can love and have deep compassion for every living being. It's about equality, not putting one life above another. The idea of the Way itself is probably linked to the concept of wuxin, which is achieved when a person's mind is free from thoughts of anger, fear or ego during combat or everyday life.

While it is Li Susu, who has decided to peruse this way in order to seal the evil bone within her body, I think Tantai Jin has, unbeknownst to him, set on the same path – and even if it’s just within the meta story-telling of the drama.

As Cang Jiumin, Tantai Jin’s love grows. At first, he is still focused on reviving his long death wife and therefore tries to stay in the Xiaoyao sect. However, his time there has subtle but far-reaching consequences. The first task, Cang Jiumin is entrusted with, is to help an old, blind woman trapped by her inability to accept the death of her only son. For this mission, he is given a sword by his master:

This sword is called South Branch. Forged by my Master when he was still alive. It was transformed from plum blossoms. It has the heart of spring and the soul of the frost. It carries no killing intent. If you see the world with kindness, you’ll have no obsession and see true freedom. I’ll give it to you as a witness. When you can awaken it, you can understand it. (E30, Master Zhao You to TTJ)

Tantai Jin witnesses how obsession, even when it's the all-consuming love of a mother, can destroy a person. The old women's story mirrors Tantai Jin's own inability to come to terms with Ye Xiu's death. He tells the women about his beloved wife and how she taught him to be a good person, something he is no longer sure he is. His need for Ye Xiwu was inherently selfish, and he never really thought about what she would have wanted. When the old women ask him if he would turn into an evil person to get his wife back, he briefly considers the possibility of using the power of the Devil God, but decides against it because it's not what Ye Xiwu would have wanted. In the end, Tantai Jin uses a lie to redeem the old woman. He, who never had a mother, embraces her as she dies in his arms. When he returns to his master, something has been set in motion: Tantai Jin lets go of his obsessive love for Ye Xiwu.

Most of the following scenes in the third arc, which are not directly related to the rebirth of the Devil God or Li Susu, are related to this theme. For example, the secret technique of the Xiaoyao sect, the Xiaoyao Swordplay, requires him to "follow and practise his heart". From this point on, Cang Jiumin gains power through diligent practice and kindness. Tantai Jin's ability to love begins to grow, soon encompassing his master and sect brothers. Another example is that the symbolism of food, which had always been a symbol of his relationship with Li Susu, is now used in relation to his sect brothers and master. Tantai Ji begins to care more and more about other people's lives, as shown when he tries to protect everyone in Jiang from Si Ying and Jing Mie (even a tyrant like Cen Mi).

When he transforms the Heart Guard Scale, he has a vision, an epiphany. He sees all the important people from his past living happily in another reality. I'm still not quite sure what it means. But in that moment he understands that he doesn't have to fear the power of the Devil God, that he is in control of his fate.

Having all the power, while having none

Tantai Jin started out with no power, control or agency over his life. He has gained all of this only to reach a point where none of it matters, none of it is enough. He is powerless against his destiny to become the Devil God, but that doesn't stop him. He goes from accepting his fate as a hostage prince to fighting fate itself.

He attempts to trick the Devil God and his minions before using the Xiaoyao Sect's Incarnation-Abandoning Array to trap and kill their army. This technique requires him to sacrifice his own life - and he is willing to do so:

So he gives in and surrenders to fate and the unimaginable powers of the Devil God he once feared. This leads him to face the echo/essence of the Ancient Devil God in a battle for dominance. It's here that he finally realises that he has always been surrounded by love and kindness. He acknowledges the love of his parents, his maids, his subordinates, his sect and his friends, and most of all, Li Susu. She taught him to love and to feel emotions, breaking through the darkness that was his life under the thumb of the Devil God. It is this realisation that leads him not only to fully embrace his fate, but also to ascend to godhood.

However, even with the power of the Devil God and his own godly powers, he is still powerless when it comes to the most important thing: stopping the activated All-in-Distress Way from destroying the three realms and the living beings within them. All his powers are pretty much useless. Tantai Jin has gone from being powerless to having all the power imaginable, and it's still not enough. There is only one way to save the world, and that is for Li Susu herself to ascend to godhood, kill him and thus destroy the All-in-Distress Way.

Therefore, Tantai Jin sees no choice but to free Li Susu from her romantic love for him, so that she can attain the Heartless Way. In doing so, he reinforces his own by embarking on a Heartless Way of his own. As previously quoted, "Heaven and Earth are heartless", and in this sense Tantai Jin is trying to be partial to her pain. And even though we know he's not, he's still trying to sacrifice his love and his remaining obsession for the sake of everyone, for the greater good. Not only does he have to destroy Li Susu's love for him, he has to kill his own by acting against his own desires. This is the heartless way.

In these scenes, the two newly ascended gods are in Tantai Jin's mind and heart. We have already seen these inner places symbolised by space and sky. It visualises how Tantai Jin has achieved inner peace, embraced by light and tranquillity.

I think that even as gods, Tantai Jin and Li Susu were still deeply in love, but they don't put each other above anyone else. In a final sacrifice, Tantai Jin rejects Li Susu's wish to be reincarnated together, destroying his immortal essence and thus himself for eternity (or so it seems).

In this post, I tried to approach Tantai Jin as a character in TTEOTM through two theme present in the story: The metaphor of the Heartless Way and motive of embracing power and powerlessness. Tantai Jin’s hero's story has led him from being without power and agency, a mere pawn of more powerful men and gods, to gain power and love before losing it. He was born without love, appearing heartless, only to gain the ability to feel emotion before having his heart broken (literally). Eventually, he gives up his worldly obsessions, emotions and ego, while developing a deep compassion for every living creature. In the end, his ultimate power lies in his sacrifice and his ability to love.

We have reached the end of this post. I warned you that it was going to be excessive… if you've made it this far, thank you for your time and patience! I hope I haven't made too many spelling mistakes! I originally wanted to highlight more of Luo Yunxi's acting, but I ran out of space. I think I will make a separate post about that.

I would like to thank my Twitter friend ~NPY~, with whom I have been discussing this show for weeks now, and who has helped me with many of these thoughts and ideas. Also a shout out to the reddit user who explained the misunderstanding of the "heartless" path!

[rose-pearls]

That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend - Part 4

Previous Part - Next Part

It’s a blur, everything is blur since weeks. 

She’s used to it by now, the needle entering her body and memories flying away like they were never there. The screams next to her make her want to throw up but she got used to it, trying to count to ten in her head again and again to get through them.

It’s weird because when she opens her eyes there aren’t any screams, the room is different than the one she has been in the past few weeks probably. There is a door on the side, but she feels too tired to go and open it, her mind trying to understand what is happening. 

The door opens and she tries not to flinch but it’s not successful as the woman in front of her looks at her with a smile full of pity. She sits down on the chair next to her and try as she might she doesn’t remember this woman.

“You are safe in district 13, there was a rescue mission last night.”, the woman explains, and the girl looks at her with wide eyes.

“Haymitch is going to come in any minute now and we will do the check up after that. There are a lot of people that are happy to see you.”, the woman says with a kind smile, the door opens a second later and a man with dirty blond hair appears, looking at her relieved.

“Hi sweetheart, long time no see.”, he looks at her with a tired smile, that seems slightly emotional, but her head is buzzing again. She knows she should remember who he is, but she isn’t able to recall who he is.

“I’m sorry, who are you?”, she asks, and the man looks at her for a moment surprised before taking a step back and looking at the doctor before looking back towards her. 

--

“I’m sorry, who are you?”, it feels like a slap in the face, he doesn’t know what to feel at that moment and as he looks at Katniss’s mother, he sees the same confusion on her face.

“Honey, that is your mentor, Haymitch.”, he hears her whisper softly to the frightened girl, but she just looks at him like she doesn’t know him at all.

“I-I really don’t know who either of you are, I’m sorry.”, Haymitch feels sick, like he might throw up, at the sight of her trembling hands and her pale skin, she looks like she hasn’t eaten in days.

“Why don’t we do a checkup to see if everything is alright?”, he watches the two of them doing the examination and as the results come in, he sees the defeated glance Katniss’s mother has.

“We will be right back.”, she softly whispers to the girl and leads him outside where the rest of the group is anxiously waiting, except one person is missing.

“Where is Katniss?”, he asks quickly, and the rest looks at each other before Johanna rips off the band aid.

“Peeta went nuts when she got into the room, tried to strangle her and everything. Apparently, he thinks that she is a mut and that she is the villain.”, Haymitch feels the migraine coming and the guilt gripping him.

“What the hell did they do to him.”, he whispers under his breath, but Beetee seems to have heard him.

“We suppose they used tracker jacker venom, they probably used it to transform his memories and make him believe that Katniss is the enemy and not Snow.”, he feels like he is going to throw up, once again but he holds it in.

“How is she doing?”, Finnick asks after a moment, his voice just above a whisper and Haymitch doesn’t know what to tell him. He knows that the boy has suffered far too much, and this could be too much for him.

“We first thought she was alright, underweight because of malnutrition and a few bruises along her body but nothing else was found. The blood result just came in and after seeing her reaction when Haymitch and I came in.”, Haymitch doesn’t feel ready to hear what she has to tell them but still he keeps himself upright and turns towards the doctor.

“She is suffering from memory loss; it seems they have used some product to make her lose her memories. We don’t know to what extent but-”, she can’t finish her sentence as Finnick turns around and starts to mumble under his breath.

“No, no, no, that is not possible.”, Haymitch wants to go to the boy but let’s Johanna take over, taking him by the shoulders and whispering some calming words.

“We want to have everyone go into the room one by one and see if she remembers them, that way we can figure it out. Make a list of people she should meet.”, she leaves them there and Haymitch looks around at the defeated faces surrounding him and he doesn’t know what to do.

“Alright let’s get our shit together and start to help that girl in there. Obviously, all of us are going in there, is there anyone else?”, Johanna says while taking a look around the room, taking charge and Haymitch has never felt more grateful.

“Peeta, but we don’t know how we would do that.”, Beetee answers and Johanna nods quickly at his answer.

“We show her a picture and see if anything comes back! Anyone else?”, they all try to think of someone before Finnick’s voice breaks through.

“Gale, Katniss’s cousin.”, Haymitch nods at the answer even if he feels doubtful at the idea of letting that boy in the same room as her. 

“Let’s get this show on the road then, Haymitch you’ve already been in there, so you’re done. I’ll go in right now and we will go down the list.”, the rest of the victor’s nod in agreement before Johanna takes a deep breath, looking at the door with unsure eyes.

“It’s going to be alright.”, he tells her to try and comfort her, but she glares at him before opening the door.

“We both know that’s bullshit.”, she closes the door behind her and the rest of them wait outside. 

Two minutes later Johanna comes out of the room looking pale, wide eyes looking at them with fear before she puts on her mask again.

“Well, she doesn’t seem to remember me.”, she tries to say it sarcastically, but it falls flat, making them all look at the ground. Haymitch knows the both of them had been close, Johanna being the first person to treat her as a real human being and not something fragile.

“Next person then.”, he says while Johanna goes to sit down on the ground, looking deep in thought.

The rest of the afternoon is spent going one after the other, each time having the news that she doesn’t remember them until only Finnick stays over.

“Well, she doesn’t seem to remember me.”, Gale says as he comes out, he seems tired and Haymitch guesses they all look tired. 

“Guess it’s your turn now Finnick.”, Beetee says softly, and the boy looks at the door with fearful eyes.

“You want me to come with you?”, he hears Johanna ask but Finnick declines her offer before going towards the door and entering the room.

--

The room is small, just the bed in the middle and whole cases of medication surrounding her. She is looking small, afraid and Finnick has to stop his memory from going back to that day on the beach.

“Hi.”, he whispers softy, and she turns around to look at him, her usually sparkling eyes are lacking their usual joy and Finnick wants to go over and make sure she is alright, but he stops himself.

“Hi.”, she says while looking unsure.

“I’m sorry you have to go through all of this.”, he says while taking the chair next to her bed.

“Guess it’s part of the healing process.”, a timid smile appears and Finnick can’t stop his heart from beating faster at the sight of it.

“It is. Guess I should ask you the question everyone has asked you already.”, he can barely say the words, but she nods quietly at his words.

They stay in silence, he isn’t able to ask her the question, too scared that she won’t remember him.

“I’m sorry.”, he hears her say and he looks up towards her, seeing her eyes looking at him sadly.

“Why?”, he asks after a few seconds, and she looks at him with glassy eyes.

“Because I can’t manage to remind myself who you are.”, the words are like a knife in his heart, and he tries to breathe again but it seems impossible. Tears are coming up and he quickly tries to avoid letting them fall.

“It’s alright, it’s not your fault.”, he whispers, his voice breaking over the words as he speaks.

He stays there for a few seconds before getting up and going towards the door, stopping when he takes the handle. 

“Seeing you like this and not being able to help you — it breaks my heart.”, he manages to whisper over his shoulder, and he has just the time to see her wide eyes before he opens the door and closes it behind him.

They are all looking at him with various expression before they see his and they all turn sad.

“She- she doesn’t remember.”, he barely manages to say before he feels a few tears leave his eyes. Johanna is by his side in an instant, supporting him while Katniss’s mother enters the room with two pictures in her hand.

He tries to keep it together, waiting for the doctor to come back but it feels like ages before she comes back with a confused expression on her face.

“I just showed her a picture of Katniss and she doesn’t remember her either.”, the group groans at the news but quickly quiet down as she starts talking again, looking unsure.

“I then showed her a picture of Peeta, and she knew immediately who he was. The only person she remembers is Peeta, but the memories associated with him are of what happened in the capitol.”, Finnick feels like he was going to be sick, the only thing she remembers is that they both got tortured.

Everyone leaves after a while and he assures Johanna that he will be fine, he takes a moment to look at the closed door knowing that she is right there but still further away than before. 

After a quick glance he leaves towards his room, not knowing how he was going to survive this without her knowing him.

--

“it’s going to be alright.”, she whispers softly against his chest, but Finnick still holds her tighter. In just a few hours they will try to escape the Capitol for district thirteen, and he can’t help but feel scared.

“Promise me you’ll do your best to come back to me.”, he knows he can’t ask her that, but he can’t help it. She lifts her head off his chest to look at him with her tired but loving eyes.

“You know I can’t promise that, but I’ll try.”, he knows it’s all he can ask for, he brushes a strand of her hair behind her hair enjoying the soft smile that appears at the act.

“I love you.”, he says softly, and she smiles at him before kissing him lovingly.

“I love you too, Finnick. I’ll always come back to you.”, he smiles as she puts her forehead against his and he enjoys the embrace before they have to brave the outside world again.

He enjoys the feeling of her skin against his hands, the slow breaths coming from her lips and the smell of her perfume. He tries to remember every detail of the moment before he has to let go of her.

And as he lays in bed that night, he tries to remember that moment, telling himself she will come back to him. Even if it has to take years, he will be there waiting for her.

Taglist: @nobody7102, @universal-s1ut

[crguang]

Hi, I've been reading your fanfics lately and I've become obsessed with your writing! I'm not good at English so I keep to myself.

I wanted to share my feelings, because I think you should know what a great job you do! Not only did you make me have a different perspective on Kafka, you also made me see character development more clearly! (I also write a lot, and it's one of my difficulties.)

It's incredible how his stories gave me an addictive feeling, something I haven't seen in any other Kafka fanfic! Please keep it up!

In fact, I have ideas in my head about how Kafka would react to R's death? Or what exactly would make her cry? I wonder, and I think your point of view would be quite accurate.

first of all, don’t worry about your english!! it’s great, and it’s not my first language either so i understand the struggle. thank you for your kind words i cant believe my writing has inspired/helped you in any way, im especially happy it changed your mind about Kafka hehe. trust meee i understand how tough characterization is, i focus way too much on the details and it can get pretty frustrating. i take it seriously too, so when something doesn’t go my way or i can’t portray a scene the way i see it in my mind, i lose it a little bit.

ouhhh, kafka and death is a pretty intimate affair in my opinion. she deals with it all the time but we don’t know if she’s experienced it— she sees suffering as something euphoric, fascinating. we know she doesn’t care for her victims because of it, that and the fact that she’s following what she truly believes is destiny. if it was their destiny to die by her hand, why would she mourn? i think it would take a lot to make her cry, she’s very resilient and can withstand a lot + she doesn’t feel fear and there are lots of complex emotions born from it (anxiety, dread, panic) so in my opinion she’s not very attuned to these as well. i’ll expand on the “not feeling fear” thing because its absolutely insane; its a primal instinct that makes us do or not do so many things. it’s connected to so many other emotions— we feel sad because we fear losing people, we feel helpless because we fear not being good enough, etc. kafka wouldn’t be able to understand all of that in a visceral way. we know she worries to an extent (for the trailblazer, for blade) and that also stems from fear but so far, it’s been somewhat superficial. she checks up on them like once and that’s that. here again, following and believing in a scripted future makes it so that she doesnt have much to worry about. it makes me believe that she would often realize things after they’ve happened, like “oh, i don’t like this…”

losing someone she genuinely cares about might paralyze her, at least at first. death doesn’t obsess her because fear is self-preservation and she cant feel that. she is logical though, and knows not to put herself/others in certain dangerous situations. she doesn’t fear her s/o dying, she just knows she doesn’t want it to happen. what she can feel though is sadness, and that only happens during/after the fact. grief is soo complex, that’s why i think it would paralyze her afterwards— she’d feel this immense loss that she hasn’t prepared for, and kafka is rarely caught by surprise. she wouldn’t know what to do and her logic won’t save her; so many things don’t matter when you’re dealing with emotions that feel all-consuming, she knows death is inevitable, so what? she knows this was always a possibility, so what? that doesn’t tell her how to deal with it. she’d go through the motions as usual because life didn’t stop for her but she’d have this constant tightness in her chest like fingers curled around her heart. the tears would find her on a tuesday morning as she’s cleaning her gun or putting on her boots. to me, her feelings have a little lag; she doesn’t feel apprehension much so they would have to hit her afterwards. in my most recent fic im writing about her being a player for laughs but i still make her fall for the reader at the same time they fall for her, she just realizes it way later. this is long as hell im so sorry but to sum up i do think she would cry a lot because she almost never does and her body would need the relief.

im yapping im sorry😭 your question was super interesting and it really got me thinking but let me stop lmfao. i hope i kinda answered it along the way😭

[sixty-silver-wishes]

Movie ask game for a film you despise. Like just. Absolutely loath :)

does the quote “wake up you animal” mean anything to you. if not, I envy the ignorance you live in

anyway, aside from . That, it’s gotta be the tim burton sweeney todd adaptation. lola sebastian just made an amazing video essay breaking down what I’d been thinking about it for Years, and I’ve already shared my thoughts on tim burton (don’t like him), but I think what irks me the most about this movie is that people like to treat it as not just a good movie, but a good sweeney todd.

the thing is, sweeney todd has been my favorite musical since high school. I’ve read the original victorian novel it was based on. I went as far as going all the way to new york from florida just to see it last year. so naturally, I’m gonna have some Opinions. and to be honest, most of mine were articulated in the lola sebastian video- depp and bonham carter’s lackluster performances, the absence of comedy and some important songs, etc. but here are a few other things about it that really irked me-

- the handling of johanna’s character. people usually misinterpret johanna as a stock ingenue, when she’s intended to be a subversion. she’s a foil to anthony and a parallel to sweeney because she’s motivated by her lack of hope, no matter how much she wants it. that’s why she tries to marry anthony, because he represents the hope she doesn’t have for herself (side note- his name “anthony hope” isn’t just a thematic choice; this was also the name of a 19th century novelist). that’s what “green finch” is about. that’s why she’s able to kill fogg, while anthony can’t (a detail that burton’s version omits). johanna may not have gone off the deep end to the extent of sweeney, but there’s a case to be made for “green finch” and “epiphany” being cut from the same thematic cloth. she’s frightened, neurotic, and at the end of her rope due to living with the judge, not a sad, quietly suffering damsel as portrayed in burton’s version.

speaking of “epiphany,” the way it was shot in the film just. kills it for me. and I understand there are things you can do in theatre that you can’t do on film. but the terrifying substance of the song was DRAMATICALLY reduced with the absence of the fourth wall break. traditionally, when sweeney does his whole “you, sir!” bit, he’s supposed to be shouting at the audience. (george hearn’s is my favorite example of this; I get chills every time!) this serves a few purposes within the play- it signifies that sweeney has lost his grip on reality, but it also implies that the idea of a ruthless man-eating-man world is something that exists in real life, outside of the play. sweeney is singing about 19th century london, but in this moment, you know he’s not just singing about 19th century london; he’s singing about wherever the play happens to be staged- which could be anywhere in the world.

Now, I get that a movie couldn’t do a fourth wall break like this without looking a bit silly, and so I see why we had sweeney yelling at some random extras instead. but at the same time, I think there’s so much to the song that’s lost there.

also like. I know bonham carter and depp and burton were like. a whole thing. but I feel like casting actors who looked good on screen vs. casting talented people who look more rough around the edges just kind of annoys me when it comes to sweeney todd. todd’s spent 15 years in an australian prison camp after being separated from his family; lovett runs a struggling pie shop in lower class victorian london. they should look like that’s what they’ve been doing, not airbrushed sad pretty goths. but I digress.

I guess I can’t get too mad at people who treat this version as the definitive sweeney todd, because it is more accessible than seeing a live play (although there are proshots available online, including the one with hearn and lansbury). it’s just annoying to me because this is a shell of what sweeney todd actually is. there have been so many great sweeney productions out there, all of them portraying the characters and story in different ways. “sweeney” is very commonly performed with a diverse cast, and has been for decades, so while burton’s phobia of racial diversity comes as no surprise, it’s especially frustrating in comparison to multiple monumental stagings of the play. the greek chorus adds so much to the story; the characters have so much depth. there’s comedy, tragedy, and horror in there. so it’s really just frustrating to see this version upheld as The sweeney todd, when in reality, there’s just so much that wasn’t done with it.

[mbti-notes]

Hey, hope you are doing well ! I had a question concerning one issue i’m dealing with.

I’m a 19yo ENFJ. In the ENFJ ego development article, i recognize myself when it’s say « you imagining being criticized ». I’ve noticed that when i’m sharing an opinion, when i’m expressing my feelings, or when i let someone know that i didn’t like something they did to me, i imagine them saying like the worst things to me and i get angry, defensive, as if they really did. Lately it has gotten a little better because when it starts, i’m able to tell myself that it is all in my mind, that i can’t tell that they will react like this, that it won’t help to assume the worse, that those people would never do me like that. But it’s still is really stressful and overwhelming. Any tips to manage it and understand it better ?

You seem to be referring to underlying self-esteem and self-worth issues that are common for FJs, so I suggest you read past posts. As explained in the Type Dev guide, the key to personality development lies in the auxiliary function. It provides introverted balance to extraverts (as well as extraverted balance to introverts).

To be an "immature" ENFJ basically means Fe+Se often run away into extremes because there is no introverted counterbalancing force. Such ENFJs only know to define people's identity or measure their worth through external appearances. As long as you can maintain the appearance of being a good person through obtaining momentary praise from others, then you're really a good person? As long as you can maintain the appearance of harmony by submitting to others and denying the disharmony you feel within, then your relationships are really strong? Proper auxiliary Ni development should help counter this superficial way of thinking.

Do you live your life as though you're always performing? Is the way you behave in front of others the entirety of who you are? Is there nothing inside you that exists independently from how others perceive you? If you're constantly allowing others to define and measure you, you will suffer from insecurity, since your feelings about yourself will shift with every little change in the social winds.

Developing introverted functions involves forming a stronger sense of self with a solid personal boundary, and possessing inner substance that others don't always see and can't touch. As such, your opinion about yourself should matter just as much, if not more than outside opinions. An important aspect of ego development is learning how to be an independent individual, to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself as necessary. Of course, you can learn to advocate for yourself in a way that produces as little harm to others as possible, e.g., by improving your communication skills or conflict resolution skills.

The purpose of Ni+Ti development is to connect with the whole truth. It sounds like the root of your problem is that you don't operate on truth but merely on insecurity. The consequence of caring more about surface appearances than underlying truth is that you won't know the truth of who you are, and your naivete makes you gullible and susceptible to any and every attempt by others to influence you (for good or bad). But when you value the truth above all else and know how to connect to the whole truth of who you are, the words of others will only matter to you to the extent that they are truthful.

[grumfield]

I'm not the same anon but I've recently been looking for some metas on consent in 2ha 😅. It's both for bettering my own understanding of the story through different perspectives and also for a 2ha fic i'm working on. Do you know any metas on this subject? or can you share your interpretation if that is okay with you? thanks!

I don’t know of any metas of the top of my head but I’d love to explain my own interpretation! I won’t go too much into overt spoilers but more just general vibe implications

2ha is like telling someone who’s being bit viciously by their dog that they’re a victim and while yes that’s technically true it’s then revealed that the dog has been put in a fighting pit its entire life, got a nice owner for 2 weeks, and then got put back in an even worse fighting pit where he’s horribly conditioned to exclusively bite and kill, and only 40 years later is he randomly set loose back in his nice owner’s old house.

2ha works in a way I like because the layers of who exactly is experiencing non-con (both sexual and otherwise) is a sort of little matryoshka doll reveal.

The most obvious—and one that everything revolves around—being Chu Wanning’s past life. He suffers the most straightforward abuse, he gives the most straightforward sacrifice. It’s very clear cut, and as a result you have a very comprehensive interplay of desire and fantasy. Dude essentially gets his rocks off to visions of his love interest as kindle unlimited alpha billionaire and it’s very clear that entertaining sex slave fantasy in the comfort of your own bed is not the same as experiencing IRL. Congrats Chu Wanning, you discovered BDSM scenes and submission! Surely that’s the extent of it for you and others (it’s not)

As for everyone else…

I can’t remember the exact quote but Mo Ran thinks about how as a child he was so poor that he never knew what he liked, and he didn’t actually have opinions on simple stuff like flavors or appearances or the gender of people because that was a luxury for the rich. It’s like that “maybe I would be nonbinary but I have a job” meme lmao . Wanting things, or not wanting them, or making decisions for yourself, is something that isn’t allowed for the poor. If you exist in a structure where you don’t even know what you want, you physically can’t.

Basically every other character who enacts or experiences noncon in all its strokes falls into this bucket. And it’s kind of the earliest instance we catch something explicitly laid out about consent beyond just strictly sexual, and how it very plainly lays out the definition of it as: any position where you do something you don’t want to do is noncon.

But you’re so distracted by the explicitly sexual dramatic yaoi discussions of attic wife sex dungeon noncon you don’t really give it much thought until later. But it’s crazy in retrospect because Meatbun gives us two characters who are a synthesis of these things—Rong Jiu and Song Quitong—really early on, who are both victims of poverty and as a result do and are subject to stuff that’s really terrible. Mo Ran just sucks bad and hates their guts so we’re a bit blind to it even though they came from really similar backgrounds (which kind of ties into a separate but equally interesting question Meatbun poses of if empathy and peace is something only afforded by people who are rich—Mo Ran wasn’t able to save earthworms until he was in a safe environment and had food in his belly).

The matryoshka doll goes further when we find out exactly what happened to Mo Ran, and THAT is what I love about it. That. Because very suddenly your entire idea of who the biggest victim in 2ha is goes from the very straightforward answer to one that’s significantly more complicated. Yes Chu Wanning is a victim but Mo Ran has been a victim since the moment he was born, and then in a brief heartbeat where he was allowed to grow and be kind, he was immediately subjected to the most violating horrific nightmarish thing could happen to him and dude STILL manages to hold some shred of humanity. I joke about Mo Ran being terrible and a piece of work and he is but my boy contains multitudes and he is also the nicest sweetest gentlest boy in the whole world who did nothing wrong (he did) (but also he didn’t) (but also he did) (but he—)

This plays a lot into a third character who I won’t say for spoilers but you’ll definitely know who I’m talking about if you’ve read the whole book!!

[coraniaid]

A few more thoughts on Surprise and Innocence.

As a plot device, the retcon that Angel’s curse can be undone if he experiences a moment of “true happiness” is a good one, I think.  The metaphor of Buffy’s boyfriend turning out to be a monster after she sleeps with him is perhaps a little on the nose, but the show handles it pretty well.  (And, despite some criticism I’ve seen, the show seems pretty keen to stress that this isn’t Buffy’s fault.)   I think the scene in Innocence where Buffy tearfully tells a soulless Angel that she loves him, only for him to respond with a flippant “love you too” as he saunters away, is basically the key to understanding every single one of Buffy’s future relationships (and not just the romantic ones either).

And this version of the Angel/Angelus split – where there’s a deliberate ambiguity about the extent to which Angel without a soul is a different person from Angel with a soul – makes a lot more sense than the version of Angelus the spin-off will later settle on (wherein the Angelus personality is so distinct that it even has its own memories).  Beyond anything else, if Angel the vampire with a soul isn’t the same person as Angelus the soulless vampire, what on earth is Angel actually trying to atone for?

That being said, as an actual curse it doesn’t quite make sense.  Who suffers if Angel loses his soul?  Not Angel, who (depending on the metaphysics) now either no longer exists or does exist but loves being evil.  In either case, he’s actually better off, no?  Isn’t he meant to be suffering? The show sort of gestures towards this by having Enyos say that he’s more interested in “vengeance” than justice, but – while this certainly isn’t just – it doesn’t really make sense as vengeance either. 

If Angel losing his soul is meant to be something that hurts Angel, then why was Jenny sent to spy on him and why does Enyos come to stop it happening?  If this is meant to be some sort of vindictive punishment, why are the people who arranged it trying to stop it?  This is something that I think actually works much better later on in Angel’s own show.  When Angel knows he can’t ever risk experiencing happiness, this new version of the curse makes a lot more sense.  The curse ends up forcing Angel to make himself suffer, something it clearly can’t do if it’s something he’s not aware of. 

But I don’t think there’s any suggestion in the show that Angel did know he was risking his soul by sleeping with Buffy, and the metaphorical reading obviously doesn’t work if he did.

(I think the way to fix this would be to position the “moment of true happiness” as an unintended loophole, maybe?  Say that the nature of the curse meant there had to be some way of breaking it, and the people who cast it chose “Angel stops suffering” because that was the one thing they wanted to avoid happening at all costs anyway?  But I don’t think that’s how it’s set up in the show itself)

Other thoughts:

I think this was the point I finally brought in a little to the Cordelia/Xander subplot.  I’m still not convinced it makes sense for Cordelia (yes, the show has previously suggested she finds her current level popularity somewhat hollow and unsatisfying, but we’ve also seen Cordelia date people she seems to like and who wouldn’t threaten her social standing and who also, unlike Xander Harris, occasionally say things to her that aren’t the most hurtful insults they can think of).  

But what starts working here is the way the show ties things back to Willow, and her long-running crush on Xander (compare “I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me” with “it just means you’d rather be with someone you hate than be with me”).  The show hasn’t quite moved beyond teasing the Willow/Xander subplot (and it will come back to it again next season), but I think this is the point where it becomes clear that Xander and Willow definitely aren’t going to end up together long term.  And I’m grateful enough that I can gloss over the Cordelia side of things for now (or at least, for a couple more episodes…) 

Speaking of Cordelia: I’m not at all sure if this was intentional – and looking around the internet, I don’t know if it’s a common reading – but I think the show actually suggests that Willow and Xander have known Cordelia since they were all very small.  Well before high school.  In The Dark Age Xander (whose age is given as seventeen in innocence) tells Cordelia “twelve years of you and I’m snapping”.  Which implies he’s basically known her (and Willow, at least as per Grave) since kindergarten, right?.  

I think that’s the closest the show directly addresses the question of when Cordelia and Willow first met, but at the end of next season Willow will say of Harmony that “she picked on me for ten years”.  So I think that the few crumbs we get support the reading that Willow, Xander, Cordelia and Harmony all knew each other in elementary school.

At least, I think that’s the context that the “We Hate Cordelia” Club is meant to be understood.  It doesn’t feel like something that could have been formed at any point in high school. Quite apart from how childish a name it is -- and how it suggests a level of standing up for herself that I don't think we see from Willow in Season 1 -- who apart from Willow and Xander would have joined?  Not Jesse, obviously.

But then, as I’ve mentioned before, the show has a history of inventing characters with long histories with the Scooby Gang from whole cloth for a single episode and then forgetting all about tem.  (Rodney Munsion beating Xander up “every day for five years” back in Inca Mummy Girl springs to mind.)  So I’m probably – well, definitely – reading too much into a couple of lines of dialogue and expecting the show to have a consistent past it never really has.