#also something else about my mom & therapy vent

[haven-gum-rockrose]

going through it lately. and by it? i mean absolutely nothing actually.

[herawell]

.

[haveateadude]

bleak horizons

summary *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ yeah, okay. maybe you're sad.

warnings *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ depression, self-harm, mommy issues (dw there's A LOT of fluff and cuddles and hugging and it all ends up alright) this is just talked about but it can still be triggering!!!!! pls take care of yourselves!!!!!!!! my dms are open :)

author notes *. ⋆ ⋆·˚ wasn't planning on posting this but i love validation. also, this is not like cannon ellie i guess?? i did a really bad characterization bc i used this as a vent and i just wanted comfort lmao. hope this still makes y'all feel seen or fucking something. btw this first part is really boring hehe, i wrote this when i was in a rush and in a train and i was tired and sad so i don't mind if it flops lol

i hate this so much idk why i'm posting this as my first pots. aghh. here u go ig. don't hate on me. bye.

(not proofread, sorry abt that)

pt1 — pt2 — pt3

you look so out of it

pull it together

we can love you

forever and ever

I've recently moved in with Ellie after weeks of looking for someone to move in.

I had checked other apartments, but this was the one that didn't smell like there was a corpse under my feet, hidden from the light beneath the floor and it didn't look like it was haunted by ghosts. The walls weren't chipping away, also, so that was a plus. There's no denying that getting used to living with someone else was difficult, but it was the only alternative to live away from my parents. Not to mention I had developed feelings for Ellie—she's beautiful, with those eyes and auburn hair, and her tattoos just make her look fucking badass.

After a few weeks, I settled in with her: we both have a routine, and established unspoken rules, and now it's comfortable living with her.

Tonight was a lovely night—I had already finished everything I had to do, and I didn't have an exam until next week, probably—until I got a call from my mother. I know I can't run away from this one. She always threatens to unroll me from college and take me home when I don't answer her calls. And I know she's capable of doing so.

“Hello?” I said as I went out to the kitchen, to take a glass of water.

“You know, most people say something sweet when they answer their mother.”

I roll my eyes, even if she can't see me. It was just a fucking hello.

“What happened, Mom?” I ask, not wanting to fight.

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

She takes a second to answer, “Well—I was looking at some resources and there are a lot near your area…”

“Resources about what?”

“Therapy. Conversion therapy.”

It takes all of myself not to gasp, or cry. I don't know. I hear Ellie going out of her room, and walking towards the kitchen. I don't care if she's here; I haven't been caring about anything these past few days.

“Okay,” Is all you say. I don't know how to answer, or what to do. I leave the glass on the aisle with trembling hands.

“That's all you have to say?”

“I—I don't know what you want me to say.”

“‘Thank you’, maybe?” I stay quiet, I don't want to thank her, I don't want her to speak to me ever again. “You could also get therapy for, you know…”

“For what, mother?”

“The cutting. Your scars—I always thought they looked repulsive. No one is going to lov—”

I hung up before she could say anything else. I hate her. I hate my mother. I can't even believe she's a mother, let alone mine. I suddenly feel the need to hurt, and I hate to admit it, but my mother has always been right about the way they look—so I just shut my eyes and try to breathe. It always helps—deep breathing, that is. I have to remind myself that I'm clean. I've been clean for months. Maybe even a year, I lost count.

“You okay?”

Ellie's voice almost makes me flinch, already having forgotten about her. I open my eyes as she walks over to me and lays her elbows on the aisle, while I rest my back on the counter behind her.

I look at her, with a knot in my throat, “I'm fine.”

“Your mother…” She makes a pause, short enough to not make me go crazy, “Is she, like, a pain in the ass?”

I chuckle at that as I cross my arms, “Yeah.”

“If it gets too bad, you can talk to me. I don't mind. And my dad has some contacts, we can maybe scare your mother away.”

“It's okay,” I tell her with a smile. “I can manage.”

“I know,” She smiles, and I can feel my heart fluttering in my chest.

Before I say anything I regret, I go to your room with my door open—a technique I've acquired to avoid hurting myself.

I sit at my desk and look up conversion therapy first, I want to know what this is all about—I know that it's harmful to people in the community, that it leaves you screwed and fucked up. I don't like what pops up on my screen, so I close the tab and go to another one—where I search for therapy. The real one.

I went to a lot of therapy sessions, but my mother was always behind them, so I don't know if it ever was effective. I like this one a lot better. It should be helpful. It will help, I know that for a fact.

I'm having dinner with Ellie, which we normally do—today we ordered, since we were hungry and it always takes a little while to prep a meal—when I think to ask her about the topic.

“Do you know any therapy center?” I ask her. “Or the number of a therapist? Whatever.”

If she's curious, she doesn't show it. She stops chewing on her food, then looks at me; then continues to chew, and after she swallows she speaks, “Sure, I have some friends that go to the same therapist, so it's completely trustworthy, I guess. I can ask for the number.”

I wipe my mouth with the napkin on my side, “Yeah, that'd be alright.”

Ellie takes a sip from her cup and then looks at me, “You okay, though…?”

“I'm fine, just—you know, making sure everything's okay.”

She nods, “Got it—I was just asking.”

After my first therapy session, I ended up tired. My therapist—which feels weird to say out loud and even in my head—is a nice lady in her thirties who looks like a hippie.

I've realized I tend to lie a lot—I didn't talk about self-harm or my mother. Or anything else, really. Just about the movie Speak, and then almost cried when talking about the weather.

So, “Yeah, it went well,” is my answer when Ellie asks how it went, sitting in her car. She picked me up since I had taken my car to maintenance.

“Okay, then,” she says once the car engine starts. She connects her phone to Bluetooth, and we listen to music for a while. Ellie places her hand on my knee when I start bouncing my leg, which sends shivers down my spine and gives my brain something to think of that isn't any of my shit. “Do you want to go eat something?”

“Sure,” I accept. Her thumb makes little circles on my knee. I wonder if she knows what she's doing, her eyes are still fixated on the road. My heart does the flutter thing that it did a few days back again, and my core heats up.

She doesn't want you, I try to convince myself. She's your friend, she doesn't want you. She will fall in love with you, not your brain nor your scars, and when she finds out about the way you think she'll leave.

When we arrived at the restaurant, we ordered a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we wouldn't finish if we ate it separately.

When we arrive at the restaurant, we order a plate together, since we always share and the food here comes in big sizes that we won't finish if we ate it separately.

“So, how's work?” I ask when we're waiting for our food.

“It's going well, I guess.”

“You guess?”

"I just hate my boss."

I furrow my eyebrows, “do you want to talk about it?”

“It's fine, he just sucks. But well, Jesse is postulating to—you know, be a boss; that fucker.”

I chuckle, “Well, I like Jesse.” I soon realize what I said, and my cheeks go red. “Not in a, uh, romantic way or anything. You know. Fuck. He's just nice.”

“Just nice?”

“I like you better than him,” I blurt out, which only adds to my embarrassment.

Oh, oh.

I like Ellie.

Fuck, yeah. You do.

Who am I kidding, I knew I did. From the start—from the first time she looked at me, for the first time touched my hand and spoke to me; for the first time she played guitar for me and made dinner because she knew how tired I was.

Ellie is flushed. I can tell.

“Oh, do you?” She asks with a grin.

The waitress comes with our food, and leaves the plate. I look at her, she looks at me at Ellie and then leaves.

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and lay my elbow on the table, with my chin propped up in my hand.

“What if I do?”

She bites her lip, looks at mine and then at the food, “The food's getting cold.”

What the fuck. What the actual fuck. Did that actually happen, or was it my imagination? Holy shit. Shit! Fucking fuck.

It leaves me thinking, but my thoughts leave when I hear her laughter after I crack a joke.

We take the stairs up the apartment, and we laugh all the way up. We just laugh and laugh and laugh because she said something and now I'm almost falling to the floor from how much my stomach hurts.

“Stop,” I say when we get to our apartment door. I keep laughing because Ellie's laughing too and she can't open the door. “My stomach hurts.”

She looks at me and laughs. Idiot. I laugh, too.

“Hey!” We hear our neighbor say. “Quiet down!”

“We're sorry!” I exclaim back, as he closes his door.

Ellie giggles, “You're so fucking dumb, I'm not sorry at all.”

“Shut up,” I say.

“Oh, make me.”

And then—oh, god—and then, and then she looks at me as the curvature of my lips goes down, and then I kiss her.

I kissed her. I fucking did. Me, not her—not Ellie's brave and confident ass, but mine. The butterfly in my chest flutters harder when she kisses back. She puts both of her hands on my waist and deepens the kiss, while my hand moves from her cheeks to her neck, then finds its way to her torso.

Ellie manages to open the door without breaking the kiss, and then she shuts the door with her foot.

“We should—” I speak between kisses. “Ellie—couch.”

“Yeah, okay. Okay.”

Our tongues fight, but our souls mend and I find my way to her in every sense. 

[traumagenic-positivity]

Vent, you can delete this if it's too much.

Tw/cw: emotional neglect, I don't know what else to tw/cw with sorry.

I kind of hate my mom, she disgusts me and I don't know why.

Before I was fine with it, we were close (nothing sexual or anything) and did everything together and now, she disgusts me, I can't do that same things I could do before, I can't talk to her about anything. She touches me, like taps me) and it makes my skin crawl, I really want to know why. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way. I don't know if it's because we are constantly worrying about upsetting her and it stresses us out or some sort of victim complex (nothing wrong with them) but sometimes I would be so sure about stuff when it comes to her, like emotional neglect, and stuff then she would start talking about something and I would feel bad about thinking about it. She probably didn't do it intentionally right? No probably not. She doesn't even know about what I think so.

The other day we were getting ready for bed then she started talking about how we weren't doing what we said we would do, we barely remember what two days ago was, and we are supposed to remember something from months ago? Maybe I'm reading to much into it, but I'm not so sure anymore. She doesn't know about our amnesia or anything, I feel like we can't tell her, afraid she'll assume the wrong thing. But I really need help I believe. I would have to wait for a bit to get therapy.

Sorry for the vent, again you can delete it it's to much.

no, no, I get this so much, nonnie!! in our experience, we've also had issues with this kind of thing!

and we all need spaces to vent and get our feelings out <3

[adoremexxs]

Sekido and Aizetsu Modern Headcanons

i love writing for sekido.

warnings: mentions of sh, smoking, i always make these so angsty

Sekido

OH MY GOD

i love this man

so hands up by 6arelyhuman is one of his favorite songs

if karaku catches him singing it, he gets mad

and throws things at karaku bc karaku loves teasing him

sekido is EXTREMELY skilled at archery

the way his arms pull the bow back with such strength, his veins bulging out and his hair up in a bun

he’s so fine

he gets extremely stressed so he has resulted to smoking weed from time to time and to smoking cigarettes

he keeps the cigarettes hid from his brothers but most of them all know about it

he just doesn’t want aizetsu to find out

sekido and karaku are the only brothers who have kept their long locks

sekido wears it up in a bun whenever he is doing activities or uses a head scarf (what Uta wears) to pull it back when cleaning or doing chores

he does most of the chores around the house, aizetsu helps him but he mainly cleans bc urogi and karaku def don’t clean

zohakuten has jokingly called him mom or mother a couple of times

whenever it’s raining, he loves it, he relaxes so much more

he sits in his room, by the window to watch the rain go “pit-pat” against the window, a book of poetry sat in his lap

he wears sweaters a lot

especially at home when it’s that cozy fall or winter weather

he LOVES fall or winter but gets pissed when it’s too cold or wet to do anything

sekido constantly needs to move around or engage his mind or else he doesn’t know what to do

aizetsu sometimes comes into his room and lays on his bed to sleep or just talk to him

“sekido, are you alright? you look a bit upset…”

“perfectly fine, zetsu…”

“you know you can tell me anything, ‘kido…”

Sekido lets Aizetsu vent or cry to him no matter HOW annoying he can be

Whenever Aizetsu’s toxic ex girlfriend cheated on him with Douma of all people, Sekido threatened to beat him up

And he did

Though Aizetsu didn’t want him too

Sekido and Aizetsu are pretty close

Aizetsu is his baby brother, he must take care of him

He has to take care of them all

Whenever Sekido found out about Karaku’s incident, he didn’t talk to him for a week

he couldn’t process it

why would his little brother do something like that?

something so stupid!

it infuriated him so much that he didn’t want to see karaku’s face

it pained him too much

but eventually they started talking again

enough with the sappy shit

karaku made sekido be an art model for a day

it was a harmless idea

but man did it boost sekido’s ego, they all made him look so good, so sculpted

but our bbg is already perfect

sekido doesn’t know how gorgeous he is

A LOT of girls have a crush on him

but he scares everyone off by being so harsh and mean

it’s even hotter to watch him practice soccer, football or archery

his legs are massive, he legit has massive thighs and calves

he takes all his anger out on football and soccer

can play the violin and piano

wears earrings, usually gold

has matching nipple piercings w/ karaku and urogi

they did it while he was asleep

he’s a deep sleeper, he can sleep through anything

he slept thru getting his nipples pierced

sekido was pissed when he saw them and urogi and karaku were forced to clean the entire house as punishment

gets in a lot of fights

the BIGGEST daddy issues

legit has the biggest daddy issues and anger issues

karaku deals with his daddy n mommy issues by sleeping with multiple people

sekido deals with his daddy n mommy issues by beating the shit out of people and having extreme negative thoughts

his mental health is shit

he suffered from self harm for awhile, he always wears long sleeves even in 100 degree weather

karaku always thought it was strange but he legit didn’t think anything of it. he thought sekido just likes long sleeves

he’s recovered now, thank goodness

also goes to therapy

after what happened with Zohakuten, he felt terrible because he had become just like their father

he’s doing a lot better now

Aizetsu

oh aizetsu

he’s one of the sweetest brothers

Him and Urogi get along but Urogi’s teasing makes him sad sometimes

Urogi immediately apologizes

He spends most of his time with Sekido

Especially in his room

he’ll lay on Sekido’s bed to nap or read to just talk to his big brother and Sekido will listen

he legit cried his heart out when his toxic gf cheated on him

Sekido awkwardly comforted and then took Aizetsu to a bunny cafe to cheer him up

Aizetsu LOVES bunnies

And collecting crystals with Urogi

His love for bunnies is extreme

He begs Sekido for one

Sekido says no everytime but if Aizetsu wants a bunny plushie, he’ll buy it

which resulted in Aizetsu’s bed being filled with bunny plushies

some are in his closet

he has too many

wears bunny jewelry

like bracelets or necklaces sometimes

Karaku would tease him for his love for bunnies, saying that he is like Zohakuten who has a childish obsession with dragons

Zohakuten beats Karaku up for that

Him and Urogi will practice soccer together or sometimes, very rarely, work out together

Aizetsu doesn’t work out really, his muscle is all from genetics and doing sports

He does track and soccer so his legs are naturally built

He bruises very easily

Also gets hurt easily which has Urogi and Sekido fussing over him

Urogi is very protective over Aizetsu because he doesn’t want his brother to be hurt at all

That’s why he played a prank on Aizetsu’s toxic ex-girlfriend because it’s not like he can beat her up

They got Daki to do that instead

He times it perfectly

He was on the second floor and leaning out the window with a bucket of green slime, obviously Karaku was with him

He dumped slime on her head

Aizetsu was so embarrassed that Urogi did that

but also thought it was funny and deserved

Aizetsu took up fencing as a past time

He’s really good at it and he enjoys it

is depressed and has to take medication

he is slowly getting better

distracting himself is his way of escaping it

he has a beautiful singing voice

he can sing them high notes

can play the violin as well

him and urogi match sometimes

is lowkey obsessed with “Love is a waste of time” by Lovely Peaches and “I know you” by Faye Webster

I know you is his crying song

he pretends he’s in an edit sometimes when he is alone

it’s very funny

Blew up on tiktok

he is legit known as the “sad hot guy”

is ashamed of his title

but his followers have boosted his confidence a bit

karaku has tried to get famous on tiktok too

“we legit should start a tiktok with all four of us”

“that’s a terrible idea, karaku. you’ll just hog all the attention!”

“no i won’t!”

even though his brothers all argue and give Aizetsu a headache, he still loves them a lot

[dysfunctionaldogdude]

You have cursed yourself with rambling. This may also lowkey be a vent but I'm unsure. Also hihi!

Autism support needs are hard for me to understand. To be fair a lot is. I had to rant to another mutual about it.

I can't live on my own or get a job or drive. I rely on our mother a lot for things and like.. With taking care of myself I only know how to like. Cook small things, some hygiene (but I still struggle LOTS) and like.. Idk

I also dropped out of high school. 🥲

I'm thankful for everyone else though!! My headmates I mean. Tbf we all struggle but like. Better all of us help each other than me being alone??

(Also I was just crying about Peridot but she's fine so whoops)

- Yellow (giving you nickname perms /at all of you)

[I hope you don't mind us answering this publicly - we can private it if needed]

I'm not an expert in autism - I think we might have it [so AuDHD] but we are a psychology student and plan to go get a degree for it [for criminal profiling and such]

I get that, I have pretty bad anxiety so I haven't learned to drive and I can't ride a bike for the life of me [I want to learn but like urgh been through bad accidents / family has been hospitalized before]

I REALLY wish we could help you with cooking!! We love cooking and baking and know how to make a lot of stuff due to needing to help my parents to make meals as I got older

I could maybe give you instructions on how to cook quick easy meals, like FULL meals that can be healthy and balanced [and portioned nicely!]. For a treat I can also send my mom's banana bread recipe if you like that kinda stuff it's really yummy and easy to make [Mostly mixing then waiting]

For hygiene we actually use to struggle with it badly! Now we don't really [other than the occasional day or two] We use an app called "Finch" it's like a small motivation task app where you can go adventures with a little bird [a finch] :) mine is called Pancake - She's currently visiting Cairo!

This is what the homepage looks like and you can see some of my tasks! [And Pancake!] This app has been a BIG help and keeps it fun by the dress up options, collecting micropets and customizing her tree house!

You can set any task you need and set which days you want them to pop up! Also if you enable notifications you can get a notification for the task if you set a time to receive a notification! :) helps me remember to check in on her

Also it sucks you dropped out :( ngl the only reason we haven't is me being a stubborn mule and family pressure [hence why I'm going to college for something I'll be able to focus on and not suck - I love learning about psychology - and specifically aiming for criminal psych cause I kinda want to reduce the number of jerk offs in the business and fight fire with invisible fire 👹😼]

I'm glad you have your headmates!! I'm honestly so grateful for mine since they helped me get through my ex and Phyce [who's CONKED] helps me kinda not break down when we're in public. At the seams bro, unmedicated, no diagnosis for certain things, and no therapy so it's good to have people to help no matter how little - little can go a long way!!! [Also I really hope you have therapy if not I'm pretty sure there's a lot of free therapy programs around that you could possibly apply for! I'm on a few waiting list - well for gender affirmative therapy since I would feel physically sick otherwise 😅 /lh]

Also yippee nickname privilege:3c

[turtlecleric]

assumption - others have said in need of a hug (yes true) but also,

may not have been praised in the way that you deserved growing up and instead others tried to dim your light because they were envious or wanted to see you fail (->im here to tell you they suck ass. you're everything and more; skilled; determined; worthy; and i love you so so much and i am so so proud of you)

Did you know that I would die for you? Did you know that I love you so goddamn much? Did you?

This is way too much personal info that no one actually cares to know, probably, but. I'm sort of avoiding work on purpose at the moment and I'm having a really rough day. Who needs therapy when you have asks on Tumblr to rant in? (I'm joking, to be clear. Actual therapy is so valuable and important if you manage to find a competent professional who clicks well with you. The only reason I stopped going is because of Covid, time, and money.)

Warning: VERY long vent ahead, please do not feel obligated to read or respond

My dad was really good about praising me in ways that felt genuine, actually, though that made the times he /was/ upset with me all that much worse. My dad isn't perfect, and he's done some things and said some things that I'll never forgive, that I'll never be able to forget, but I would also do anything for him. I know he's there for me when I need it, I know he'll answer when I call, I know that he actually cares about me. He and maybe like two cousins are the only family I would never be able to cut off.

My mom... I guess it was just sort of the baseline bare minimum expectation that I would do things well, so when I /was/ praised it was just like... oh, good job sweetie! Proud of you! But it didn't feel... I don't know how to describe why but... I don't know. Now, when people tell me I do things well I always have that voice in my head that's like "they're just being nice, they don't actually think it's all that great, they expected you to do a much better job than this, actually, why did you even bother sharing? Why did you think this was something to be proud of?" I read way too far into things, interpreting neutral reactions, or even positive reactions that aren't as enthusiastic as I might have hoped for, as proof that people are simply being nice and don't really like what I do or make or say all that much. I always get stuck in this mindset that I'm not allowed to create mediocre content, like it all has to be Excellent or else it's Terrible.

I also remember in high school, posting some drawings on Facebook that I was really proud of. Two drawings, one with hands in chains and cut up and the other with healed hands glowing with holy light and cradling a cross. It was supposed to show the difference between life without God and life with God (I was... VERY religious as a teenager. I am now agnostic.), but she saw the first picture and freaked out, super pissed, yelling at me to take it down, to not embarrass her like that, because people were going to see that and think I was abused or depressed or something (haha... me? Depressed? Nahhhhh). And that was the moment when I knew I could never ever ever share anything even remotely dark with her, that if I ever were to express something that indicated I was anything other than good and happy and perfect then she would react similarly. She's also very judgemental regarding mental health, often made comments about how "people who are/do x are sick, there's just something wrong with them, make sure you stay away from people like that" while I'm sitting on the couch like... oof. That's me. So all my venting went to Tumblr where she couldn't see, and even now I mostly only vent on Tumblr and through writing. I have many wonderful friends that would gladly allow me to vent to them (I love you all so much I love you I love you I love you, thank you for being so kind), but I simply Cannot. I've had a friend before where it felt like all they did was complain, they were always so goddamn negative, and it became a chore to talk to them. I started to get angry every time they said or did something defeatist, I stopped enjoying talking or hanging out with them, and I refuse to be that person. Even if I'm told over and over that I don't come across that way, I'm so terrified of it that when I think about reaching out I start to think of that friend and about how I shouldn't bother people and I panic. Unless I've gotten to the point where I truly believe that nothing I do or say will ruin the friendship, then it's really hard to push through that fear. But that's so much harder than it used to be because I /did/ lose a friend that I thought I would have literally for the rest of my life, I was so 100% confident that we would be 80 years old still hanging out with each other and goofing around, so sure we could go through anything together and stay friends, I knew in my heart and soul that we would be friends until we died, and I was wrong. I was wrong. I also had a different friend who was always there for me, always praised me, always listened to me when I needed it and told me kind things and made sure I felt welcome and loved and viewed positively, and then he fucking assaulted me one night when he thought I was asleep.

Anyway. When I /did/ fail at things growing up, it was either punished more severely than necessary or straight up laughed at. Mom was very hot and cold, too, you could never tell what kind of mood she was going to be in that day. (She is still like this. It's well known in my family that you never know which version of her you're going to get.) Things are fine one moment and then suddenly I'm in trouble for something I didn't even realize I did wrong (like with the drawings), so I'm just. Terrified of not doing well enough at things, of disappointing people, of people being annoyed with me or upset with me over something I didn't even realize was rude or mean or wrong to begin with.

"Don't overstay your welcome; don't bother people" was pounded into my head. I can't express how often I start to say or type something and then think, "No one cares. Stop bothering people. You're being too much, you're being annoying, they're tired of you, just keep it to yourself." I'm working on it but. Yeah. Half the time I still just stop talking or backspace and stay quiet. Even typing this, I'm like... you should delete this. You're basically just begging for attention, and if anyone says anything about this to you then it'll only be because they felt obligated to and they're going to start seeing you as a whiny, pathetic, manipulative person, and they're going to get tired of you and roll their eyes every time you say anything, even if it's not you venting, or they'll see this and think about how stupid or weird it is for you to put this information out on the internet, and even this sentence right here is proof that they'd be right because you're aware of all these thoughts and you're still doing it.

But then another part of me thinks that if I can't even vent on my own blog on a post that literally no one is required to read that is also hidden under a readmore and clearly states that it's a vent post, then where /can/ I vent? And if someone else posted this, would I be this harsh on them? And what's so wrong with seeking attention and comfort? Why is that unforgivable in yourself but admirable in others? Why are you crying at work? Why aren't you doing your job? Why aren't you better? Why aren't you better?

[bpdfox]

Vent/thought dump I wrote a month ago. It's long and disjointed and I was also high when I wrote it. Figured I'd put it here, this is sorta where my head has been lately.

Am I nothing more than a mirror??

I don't know how to even get my thoughts out. I'm so… isolated.

I've felt a profound sense of isolation and separateness since I was born. Like literally.

Sitting there picking holes in my leg, pulling the hairs out so I know I can feel.

I can only think clearly when I'm tearing myself apart.

HOW CAN I GET WHATS INSIDE OF MY HEAD OUT?

Even today during therapy my therapist just sort of

I NEED TO BE SEEN.

She just sort of like. Had a lot of stuff she needed to process with all of the church shit and all of the fucking bullshit going on with that

I'm not worth it unless I can provide a service to someone else

I cannot connect

I don’t know if I'm capable of connecting and that scares me. That terrifies me. I can't imagine going the rest of my life feeling this way. I don't think I can. I can't.

I feel so small when I'm on these, everything is tall and towering above me

I feel inferior, threatened, judged when I'm around my younger brother. Even he is rejecting me? I've been asking him to play some games with me for weeks and he wont and I feel so fucking stupid trying to

Its' like im a kid trying to tell my dad that my goat is dying in the shed but he's too busy working

I CANNOT CONNECT

When my aunt was trying to use her fucking 'healing' bullshit on me and she was sitting there holding my arms and telling me what she thought was going on in my brain, that I was having such a hard time, blah blah. She was telling me exactly what was going on in her brain. She was using me as a reflection.

I'm' not your fukcing passion project

People only come to me when they need something from me

I'm a project, a side project, a 'once-in-a-while' hobby that maybe they’ll return to when they get bored

I'm so alone. I'm always alone.

I've felt this way since I was a kid

Even in my old friend gorups I was always the odd one out, people would cycle through me and talk to me if they

I AM NOT ENOUGH

IM NOT WORTHY OF CONNECTING WITH

I AM NOT WORTH CONNECTING TO

WHY

I was ripped out of my mother's womb and isolating was the only way I survived

I had to be in a stupid fucking box, incubating me, with the stupid fucking earmuffs that made everything louder, and I WAS ALONE

I WAS ALONE

I WAS ALONE

My mom is only talking to me about my brother

My brother is a fucking homophobic asshole and it makes me so sad and scared and upset and mad that my mom wants him to feel supported

I'm leaving my feet behind always, I'm forgetting them

My legs don't feel like a part of me, I don't feel like a part of my body. Is this what people mean by out of body experience

Even my therapist

Idont thinki can fucking do this

Im a leech, im a leech im a leech im a leech im a leech and im alone

And that's how I'll always be

My brother is going to his fucking stupid homophobic transphobic stupid fucking religious cunt ass fucking school and

I HOPE OAKS DIES, I REALLY DO. I REALLY FUCKING DO

I HOPE HE CHOKES ON A FUCKING FORK, I HOPE IT GETS WEDGED IN HIS FUCKING ESOPHAGUS AND HE ASPHIXIATES ON HIS OWN FUCKING BLOOD

I'm not worth connecting to

I cant get anything out and that scares me so bad

Because nobody understands unless I can get it out but I fucking cant I fucking cant

All I am is disgusting, gross, unloved

I'm only loved if I meet the conditions, if I meet the criteria. I can't do taxidermy in the barn but my brother can tan a rabbit hide inside the house?

I'm a hazard an inconvenience. I didn’t want to eat what the rest of the family wanted but that didn't matter. I'm a scavenger, I have to pick from what's left and hope I can make it through the night.

I'm disgusting I have mental fleas I'm always itchy and crawling and I can never fucking get comfortable, never get comfortable, I'm so tense all the time, I cant get to sleep because I cant get comfortable, I'm not meant to be in my fucking body

I think everyone can see it and that's

All I am is a hole

Is this all there is?

I noticed a new spot on my scalp, scab scab scab. Ipicked it. Why do I evne bother trying to not pick. Who am I fucking doing it for.

Im so fucking alone. I think im fucking cursed like genuinely. I cannot fucking connect. No matter how hard I try. And so I isolate and I sabotage myself

I'm fucking disgusting im not worth taking care of im not wroth anything. Im not worth anything. Im not worth anything. I'm a leech im a leech im a leech I'm a scab I'm a fucking useless piece of shit. EVERYONE CAN FUCKING SEE IT. EVERYONE CAN FUCKING SEE IT. And that's why im alone and that’s why that willn ever fukcing change

I try to show my photography and I just get a

Its no wonder I started fukcing drinking I cannot handle it. I cant handle it.

I have been drowning and alone since I was born at 28 weeks old. And nobody fucking cares. And nobody fucking sees. All I am is a mirror.

I don’t have a fucking personality I just cling to whoever I hope will give me approval and I don’t even pay attention to whether I'm liking whatever the fuck it is, all that matters is that they're having a good time

I can't keep doing this but I don’t think I can stop. I was programmed this way and this is all I know how to do and it's going to fucking kill me. It is going to fucking kill me.

I'm running myslef over again and again I'm the coyote that wasn't fast enough and I'm the car that didn't stop. I'm the road that wasn't takencare of and the guts that spilled across it and the dying breath of the animail terrified alone and that's all that I will ever fucking be. Only here for the bugs. I'm carrion. I'm already dead and im wasting away and everybody can see it and nobody will ever love me because once they see past the mirror all that's left is the fucking pit. The hole the empty the nothing.

I have to be funny because then maybe if im lucky they’ll want to stick around but I don’t thinkanybody really does. I'm always terrified that they will leave. They are going to leave me when they realize how useless you are.

Myeyes hurt.

I havent cried like that in so long. It gets stuck inside me and it's like congested. I'm congested and I cant get anything out and im ALONE AND NOBODY CARES AND NOBODY SEES

I CANT FUCKING DO THIS. I CANT FUCKING DO THIS.

IF I DON’T G

I CANT DO THIS

I AM

It's all loss IT'S ALL LOSS. ALWAYS. REJECTION REJECTION REJECTION

I CANNOT

HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GO ON HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP GOING LIKE THIS.

MY BROTHER HAS FRIENDS MY SISTER HAS FRIENDS

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME??

I'M ROTTING. I'M NOTHING. I'M WASTING AWAY HERE AND IM USELESS.

I cannot

I'm really struglging with how alone I am. How alone I am. How alone I am

Christ.

Something broke insidwe of me but theres nbody there to witness it

Ive been out to them for ten fucking years. And they still misgender me. They don’t bother to get it right. I don’t know if my sister's husband even knows im nonbinary

I'm not fucking worth the effort. Im not worth the effort. WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN TRYING

I'm howling alone and im hoping to hear a response but it's only mirrored

Nobody will ever respond

And even if they did I don’t know if it could reach me truly. Im in a fucking bubble. Im a specimen under glass for inspection and reflection and to look at when things get boring but I always endup back on the shelf.

Went through everyone in thefamily except for me . Left me out of the speech.

All im good for is to consume

I can only think clearly when I'm hurting myself

Picking myself apart

I'm going to be alone. Christ im going to be alone.

I don’t understand it and im struglging to keep up

I can feel myself closing up again. Goodbye.

The doors are closing again.

[phoenix-positivity]

January 3rd 2024

Writing this here for the record of understanding time on this blog when I read it back in the future. As well as logging my experience and seeing improvement in the future. Yesterday was the day I saw my abuser in the waiting room before my therapy. It gave a lot of adrenaline and different emotions but I dealt with it well. I was pretty scared for the rest of the day meaning my hyper vigilance was very active. I had to be in a grocery store after therapy and I was terrified of everyone there. I had to convince myself it was impossible for him to be there because as far as I know he can not drive a car and the public transport takes very long. I distracted myself with a show and also vented about it to some people because I kept remembering the situation and it had to get out of my head. I also ended up dissociating last night. I was trying to ground a lot and keeping myself from getting into flashbacks. I think I was able to prevent that as I do not remember having flashbacks. I did have nightmares about him but I forgot them because I overslept and was late for work which bothered me more than the nightmares.

In the moment itself I felt less afraid than last time encountering him when I was having lunch at the public place. Interestingly enough both those times my mom was also with me. I always go to therapy alone but my mom needed the car so she drove me to therapy. She actually noticed him before I did. It helped being able to talk with my mom and asking her if he was looking at me when he stood outside of the entrance for a while. I was very much avoiding eye contact but I also did look at him when he was turned away from me. I felt the need to observe him, both to check if it truly was him (which was pretty clear from first glance, but I had to know if it was my trauma playing tricks on me or reality) and to know if he noticed me. I wanted to know where he was going and if he showed any signs of having seen me. I think that was the only thing going through my head at the time: 'Has he noticed my presence? Is he aware I am here?' I was turned away from him hiding my face. He passed me perhaps like a meter away then stood at the entrance which was about 3 meters away from where I was sitting. There was only a glass door between us, but conveniently there was like a big stripe that perfectly blocked his face so I assumed my face was blocked for him in the same way. He was talking to a group of people. They went on a walk together as the group once someone working there got to the group so I'm assuming it was part of some therapy or perhaps just a group activity where people with mental illness do something together.

I felt secure in the building because I knew there was professionals nearby who knew how to help in case he would try and do something. This made me feel protected. I very much trust the people working there and I know especially the receptionist is badass and takes no shit. It was kinda nerve wrecking the amount of time my abuser was just standing outside that glass door, with me wondering if he would notice me. I figured me moving somewhere else would cause him to look because seeing movement makes people look at that direction. I kept very still and tried to just have my face hidden.

My psychologist came to get me in the waiting room very shortly after that and I told her pretty much straight away that he had been in the building. I went to try and look out the window to spot him but the group had already passed. My therapist turned off the lights in the room and asked if the blinds had to be closed. I said they could stay open and that the light could be on. I wanted to be able to see him. I guess I wanted to have that information on his whereabouts.

Nearing the end of therapy I saw a group approach towards the building and immediately spotted him. He did not look at the building, but I looked at him the entire time the group walked by. It was very weird for me seeing him walk there, not knowing I was looking at him. It made me feel very unsafe knowing he was in close proximity and had entered the building again. I was not panicking and kept pretty calm and collected. I did feel a lot of adrenaline and tension in my body. I also felt a lot of disgust. I also felt a lot of feelings arise that I have been dealing with lately where I victim blame myself and I make excuses for why what he did should be forgiven or was just a small mistake. Me and my therapist talked about why that was all very untrue and how what he did was horrible and not my fault and we talked about all his manipulation tactics and why I still felt that way about the situation because of how he manipulated me so much to believe his stories. She explained more about how abusers behave.

We also talked about how his actions are not excusable by his schizophrenia and how most of his behaviors are not explained by schizophrenia because they are not in any way symptoms of schizophrenia or psychosis. I also went in my head to collect a lot of evidence proving that the abusive behavior was part of him as a person and unrelated to his disorder. Especially the times where all his behavior was very planned out and calculated in advance as a set up. Which wouldn't happen if it was a sudden outburst of losing control. (and even in the latter case it would still be all his fault) My therapist also reminded me that with all she heard about my trauma and story that he would not be able to plead insanity for that considering the way it was all structured and set up and repeated. We also talked a bit about the reasoning behind his behavior and why he had done all of this to me. We settled on never being able to truly know exactly why. Just knowing it was planned and something he intended to do for whatever reason that may have been.

After therapy she offered to walk me out considering it was dark outside and I was afraid he was still around. My mother was there to pick me up which was also lucky that I didn't have to walk outside in the dark alone. We also got to talk about our mutual scare of seeing him there and we got to vent about the experience together.

I am very interested and kind of afraid to discover how I will feel in the therapy building (but especially also walking towards and away from the building) next therapy appointment. I was already wary of the building behind it because I know he has a history of being treated there, but I had never seen him in the building I get treated at. It is helpful that this week my therapy had been moved to a Tuesday, whereas I normally always go on Thursday. I am taking comfort in that and telling myself perhaps he is only ever there on Tuesdays. My therapist also said that schizophrenia and psychosis related disorders are treated on the second floor. He did come from upstairs when he walked passed me, so this checks out. This gives me a warning that I know to be careful when people come down the stairs. Sadly there is no space in the waiting room I could truly hide. Tho I have an idea of where my best option could be which is with my back to the entrance. My therapist said he will likely never be in the hallway where I have my therapy. It's just unlucky the waiting room is directly at the entrance.

If anything this was good exposure therapy and I feel I handled myself well considering the circumstances. I even joked to my therapist that I should have gotten the emdr light and placed it in the waiting room/window as he was there at the entrance/outside so I could do EMDR exposure therapy with him in direct view. Thinking practically I also now know what his current jacket looks like, so my brain has added this to the 'scanning for x features to perceive threats/danger level' database.. lol.

[medicus-felini]

ᓚᘏᗢ Small (actually not so small) vent below. [Depression tw]

I don't know how to describe it exactly why but I got a massive mental burnout the other day. It may be not my bestest decision to share it here but I feel writing it down is better than keeping it for myself.

All the bad things that happened and still happen to me caught up. I feel awful. I lie awake the whole night only to break out in tears when my partner woke up. There was too much in my head to even spell out what exactly made me break down.

I am looking for a job for years, trying to get a normal daily shedule only to never get an answer and to fuck up my sleep shedule for the 100th time. I am getting 25 this year. My depression and panic disorder I developed when covid began seemed to 'heal' in a way. I went to group therapy, got medication which I still take to this day. I am stuck because I have trouble doing phone calls. Trouble TIPING IN numbers for real therapists.

Time is awful. When will I be done with learning a job? I will be 28 if it happens someone recruits me this year. And then I work. I will have so much less time for things I like. Speaking of which: I catch myself falling into the 'I don't enjoy the things I normally enjoyed' loop again. That was one of the main reasons for taking antidepresants and it now seems to crawl back.

I want to at least do something I enjoy. Writing, drawing, playing video games. I started to feel little joy in it again. It makes me angry to not be happy with my time. I don't want this.

I text my family less and less not because I am mentally exhausted but because of their believes. All except my dad (which I always had little contact to) openly and proudly boast about how they vote right wing parties in Germany. You can't discuss with them. I can't. Because I instantly start crying like some trauma haunted 12 year old back in the day when my mom raised her voice. This party I am speaking of actively stands for traditional beliefs, inbetween against lgbtqia+ (which, surprise, I am part of).

They only see points they like. "Oh, they won't get this through, you will be fine." BUT YOU VOTE FOR THESE BELIEVES. You actively support these anti lgbtqia+ shit only because you are racist and intolerant towards NORMAL PEOPLE who live their lives in Germany like everybody else for years.

Next thing is they hate my partner. Something that really only was a question of time passing. My mother always seems to dislike my and my sisters partners after some time. Finding little things she can pick on and passive aggressively point them out. Making everyone awkward and feeling unwelcomed. I feel unwelcome. It is my partner. My choice. You despite my choice and thus insult me with it. Family gatherings became horrible. My partner doesn't want to say anything because he is scared to 'mess up' and my mother getting fuel for her hatred. My sister is young and living with her. She took on my mother's believes politcal wise. I love her dearly but I feel like she also only plays mirage only to talk bad behind my back, which she usually does with other people.

I feel so alien. I don't even want to drive over there to my birthday. I would love to but it doesn't feel like my family anymore. It feels all so forced. My dog gets older too. He is the reason I still look forward a little bit when visiting them.

Writing this feels good in a way tho. Even if I know the majority of my moots only as little guys in my screen, I feel loved. I will observe my mental state these next weeks. If it doesn't get better, I'll call my doc and ask if we can higher my dosis. Just so I can think clearly and focus on important matters.

*Siiiigh* okay okay thanks for being lovely babes ♡

[fortunesrevolver]

So... life sucks right now.

Not only is my disability application still pending (November will be month 10 since I applied. Isn't waiting for the government to process things FUN?) But life is just... hard. And complicated.

My dad is currently going through ECT treatment because he's very resistant to medication for his depression. If you don't know what that is... honestly, I just snatched this summary from Google because I don't have the mental spoons to break it down right now:

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT for short) is a treatment that involves sending an electric current through your brain. This causes a brief surge of electrical activity within your brain (also known as a seizure). The aim is to relieve severe symptoms of some mental health problems.

It's honestly not an uncommon treatment, and apparently a very successful and common one for patients who, like my dad, are resistant to medication.

The issue is, one of the side effects for this are memory loss. So right now, dad can't work. And his memory is just... awful right now. He's forgetting a lot of things from the past few months (let alone past few days or weeks) and it's just... a mess. Mom and I are doing the best we can to keep it together and keep things going... Taking him to his appointments (that are god-awful early in the morning) making sure someone is always home with him...

But it's hard. It's hard when he took on so many responsibilities like submitting payments for bills and such on his own and always assured us he had it when we offered to help.

To be clear, my dad is not at all a bad or controlling person. He just took pride in being able to take care of his family. It was one of the things he felt like he could control against his depression. Taking care of us was sort of his... anti-depression isn't the right word. But it's what kept him going. That's how he'd always explain it. We'd always just do whatever we could to support him and try to everything else easier for him. (Though in retrospect, I guess that's just how families are supposed to work. Taking care of each other as best you can.)

But right now it's so hard... He's not himself at all... and all of these symptoms can take up to 6 months to fully heal, and that's after treatment finishes (which has about... 2 weeks left, I think? It depends, really. There's a range and everyone is different.)

He's my dad and I love him a lot... but it's hard. It's hard to see him get confused or forget very basic things like the voice command for the lights he was so pleased with when he set up. Or watching a TV show one day and then immediately watching it again the day after because he doesn't remember watching it. Or that a bill set up for automatic payments will got through and he'll see it show up on the bank accounts he unconsciously remembers to check, but doesn't know what it's for, and then we scramble to not only make sure something wild didn't happen, but assure him everything is okay.

And, reading back over this post, it seems like such a small problem from an outside perspective. I'm barely touching the tip of the iceberg, but I know there's people out here that are dealing with similar circumstances ten-fold and probably handling it with way more grace than I am.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I try to help as best I can, but my dad has always been a bit of a stubborn man. Not cruelly stubborn, but stubborn about being the strong, independent one. And he can't do that right now... but he's still trying to.

I can only try to pick up whatever pieces I can with my mom and make things work as best we can.

But it's still a mess and complicated and I feel like I'm just a horrible daughter for venting like this.

[bugbxyjunk]

hello cj. my name is oliver. you may know me as ollie of @ollieollieoxenfreeee.

answer all 100 of the questions. every single one. do it.

bet.

2. what’s the weather like?

Humid and veryyy warm, but much cooler than it has been!!

3. are you impulsive?

yes, oh my god yes, its a really bad problem

4. are you organised?

no but i am trying!!

5. are you self confident?

HAH. thats funny. no

8. what’s something you hate about yourself?

uhhh not to get all edgy but my like entire self of being? in specific probably my body. or my scars. really hate those.

9. do you have any pets?

Yes! 3, my babies 🥹

10. do you have any regrets?

too many to count man

11. do you have any siblings?

yes, 2 technically. but. i only say one

12. what do you think comes after life?

death, probably

13. what colour is your water bottle?

mainly blue, its git sharks on it :3

14. have you ever dyed your hair/would you ever want to?

its actually dyed rn

16. do you believe in aliens?

YES

17. do you believe in ghosts?

YES

18. do you believe in karma?

yes, actually

19.do you believe in astrology?

ehh kinda? not really, but i also don't know a lot about it

20. do you believe in luck?

Yeah

21. what is/was your favourite subject in school?

Not to be That Stereotypical Person™ but definitely art

22. what is/was your least favourite subject in school?

Math. i hated the class, i hated the teacher, i suck at it, and ive never been good at it.

23. how long have you been friends with your longest friend for?

Considering i only have one stable friendship, almost 3 years i think? maybe 2 and half

24. what do you do in your free time?

i have too much free time in the summer, and lately ive just been on my phone and listening to music/watching YouTube

25. what do you do under stress?

Cry? Panic?? okok fr though if theres a more suitable leader i let them handle things and panic quietly, but if i have to take the lead i can, then i fall apart afterwards. by myself. away from anyone else, of course of course

26. who/what do you turn to to vent?

okok honestly? no one? i mean i go to J (irl friend for those that don't know) for smaller/easier to handle things. but. really i try to deal with everything alone

27. spicy, sweet or savoury?

Sweet, probably

28. what’s your favourite drink?

Strawberry watermelon Ice drinks 🙏

29. what’s your favourite cuisine?

cuisine is so fancy for what I'm about to say, my mom's Alfredo shits delicious

31. what are you wearing right now?

women's beach shorts that r wayyy too big and a grey oversized Harley Davidson shirt

32. what’s your favourite time of day?

Night time !!

33. who do you trust the most?

My mom or J

34. do you trust anyone completely?

Nah

35. would you ever want to get married?

Noooo thank u im good

36. would you ever want children?

NO. i will b the uncle to J's kids, i shouldn't be allowed my own kids i can barely keep myself alive

37. do you have any allergies?

Pollen. and i think caramel??? i don't know i cannot eat that shit

38. do you hate anyone?

Yes

40. what is your relationship with your family like?

Pretty good now, it was pretty rocky for a bit and well childhood was. something. but its great now, my immediate family is my priority in life

41. what is your middle name?

Next question

44. do you like making art?

Yes! its kinda like therapy. and much cheaper.

45. do you believe in the death penalty?

Yeeesh thats a heavy question dontcha think? i think if you're a r--pis- yeah fuck the fuck right the fuck off. I do not care. but i don't think im allowed to speak beyond that, im not qualified

46. do you follow routines/plans easily?

I actually prefer them, i get overwhelmed without them

47. growing up, what did you want to do in life?

I wanted to be a pretty woman with a husband and children and be a vet, a lot has changed since then

48. what is your favourite album?

i don't think i really have one? i don't really pay attention to names/albums on what im listening to, i just enjoy the music. this is why music connoisseurs hate me

49. what’s something you’re grateful for?

My mama 🫶🫶

50.what’s a food you hate?

Tomatoes. for various reasons.

51. would you rather lose your legs or arms?

uhhhhhhhh legs? i guess??

52. what is the most important thing to you right now?

Getting ny shit together for school so i can get a good fuckin scholarship

53. what’s the last dream you remember having?

Something about my grandfather? and a train. it definitely had something to do with something I don't like digging up sooo

54. do you believe in soulmates/true love?

I guess, yeah i do. i think ive met mine, since they aren't always romantic. twin flame is the platonic version i think?

55. what is your favourite word?

Shark, maybe. Or like, Slippery, funky ass word

56. would you rather be loved, trusted or respected?

Loved or trusted, people don't respect me much already so like i can handle not being respected

57. would you want to be famous if you had the chance?

Depends i guess, id like act in something that sees people one day, so sure why not

58. what are/were you like in school?

Horribly quiet, and awkward, and clumsy. and also 'intimidating'

59. who’s the last person you talked to?

J my bbg 🫶🫶🫶

60. what would your perfect day be like?

Getting adequate sleep, spending the day at an aquarium with a loved one(romantic, platonic, queer platonic, i don't care), swimming, or just laying quietly with a lover, i don't need much to be Happy

61. where is a place that you’d love to visit?

THE GEORGIA AQUARIUM !!

62. what is your main goal in life?

Help as much of the ocean and sea life as i can, they're vital to this planet and just as important to take care of.

63. do you exercise often?

Not as much as i should, no

64. do you play any sports?

Im gonna be on the swim team again! i was on it in 8th grade

65. do you play any instruments?

Nah, but im gonna learn bass

66. what is your earliest memory?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't wanna talk about it so lets say getting my first build a bear from my aunt

67. if you could have a superpower, what’d you choose?

Shapeshifting.

68. what kind of person annoys you the most?

Uhh people who assume they're better than you for "xyz reason"

69. what is your biggest pet peeve?

People who talk in the middle of tests, or people that are rude to cashiers/customer service people for no reason

70. what’s your favourite number?

13

71. have you ever been in love?

Yeah, and i sometimes i feel like i still am

73. what is your deepest fear?

damn this is getting personal jeez, death? serious sickness/ailments, and doctors. also my half brother and his ex gf

74. have you ever met anyone famous?

i don't think so

75. cats or dogs?

Cats!!

77. how do you deal with loneliness?

uhh im kinda used to it, but if i ever cant deal w it i get into the shower and crank the knob all the way to hot

78. what’s your favourite animal?

is this a real question. SHARKLSKSKSKSKKSKKSHSJDHH!!!!!!!

80. would you rather freeze or burn to death?

uhhhhhhh burn? i feel like it'd be quicker maybe

81. what are some of your bad habits?

Biting my mouth, picking the skin on my fingers, and yk other things

82. what do you do when you’re angry?

Yell, hit my pillow, get in the shower and crank the knob all the way to hot. cry.

83. what is something that you’d want to learn?

Astronomy

84. what’s your favourite insect?

hmmmm Picasso beetle, they pretty

85. what are your thoughts on euthanasia?

god, its sad but sometimes if there's no other answer it might be best? like if my baby, my dog, had an incurable thing thay made life a pain for her every day and she wouldn't/couldn't get better i wouldn't want her to be in pain. i never want to see any of my animals in oain

86. what are your thoughts on your name?

Love it, thought of it myself, just wish id come up with Cj first instead of what other people know me as irl (Corey/ my deadname)

87. what’s your favourite name?

My favorite name..hmmmm...i don't know, i love all names, they're special in a way that I cant choose a single best one

88. would you rather go back or forward in time?

Back, i suppose..fix some things yk?

89. what are your thoughts on roller coasters?

I don't know, its been years sinec ive been on one

91. do you believe in love at first sight?

Nah, i don't think you can love someone instantly. you can experience attraction at first sight, but i genuinely don't think you can love someone at first glance. unless its an animal, then obviously yes.

92. what is something you’re currently worried about?

School, life, my friend, my mom

93. what was your childhood like?

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lets not open that can of worms

94. how long do you usually sleep for?

when i di get to sleep? around 10 hours in the summer 💀, usually around 3-6 during school

95. what hairstyle do you have right now?

something like this

(NOT ME!!!!! found on Pinterest)

96. if you could be one age for the rest of your life, what’d you choose?

uhh probably like 25? maybe?? idk

97. what genre of music do you listen to the most?

Uhhh pop..indie i guess? musicals too

98. where do you come from?

The US 🇺🇸🦅🦅🦅

99. do you curse/swear often?

Yes i do

100. what is the meaning of life?

Boys kissing me.

[compassionatereminders]

My sister and mom have a bad bad bad relationship. The other day my sister violated mine and my bros boundaries we set by screaming at us in text about something mom was doing to her/her daughter. We told her we care very much but we can’t do anything about this and she needs to deal with mom directly and also seek therapy if what she wants is venting this way. She accused us of essentially being abuse enablers and not giving a shit about the pain she and our niece are going through. It’s imo so manipulative and offensive to say because I have told her out of love that there’s nothing I can do to help and to please not hurt me in ways I’ve explicitly asked her not to, that I’m essentially cool with abuse. I’ve also been victim of several kinds of abuse (not at the hands of my mom) and it really pisses me off she weaponized abuse against us as some gotcha accusation here. She finally apologized for sending the original text and not for anything else. I haven’t said anything back because it’s a nonapology, it doesn’t address anything other than going “I can admit it was shitty to send that first text to you in the mid of the day like that.” Nothing else about her subsequent behavior or accusations. I know I will tell her thank you for the apology but I just can’t at the moment.

Maybe instead of bottling this up and offering her a thank you which isn't genuine, you should either take a step back from the conversation or try to confront some of the very real issues between you. Because if she is acting in ways you can't accept and you can't even have a constructive conversation about that, then why thank her? Why not just establish an actual boundary?

[coral-skeleton]

It's vent time

So I'm gonna immediately issue some trigger warnings, attempted suicide (not me), coercion and hard drugs

So I moved to the other side of the country and am away from everything and everyone I know and love due to my job, and trying to make new friends in a professional environment really isn't easy.

At the start of this month I needed to get my car towed, I deal with that pretty well, but it's still stressful and now I'm worrying it'll happen again every time I start it.

Then on Monday night my partner and I were on the phone, and I could tell they're not having a great time, crying, apologizing alot for absolutely no reason, saying things like they can't take it anymore and they can't do this anymore. After a while I managed to get it out of them, the this is life, they're sitting with a bottle of sleeping pills emptied out in their hand. So I get scared and I try to talk them down, after about 30 minutes of talking I can tell I'm not necessarily going to be able to talk them down completely so I start trying to buy time instead and managed to get them to put the pills back in the bottle instead and go to sleep, but within this conversation I can tell they're still intent on committing suicide sometime in the week, so while still on the phone I start texting everyone I know in their town, just to make sure they have people with them who can stop them from trying. Within this conversation they also start saying things like next time they wanna try they just won't tell me, so I contact their neighbor to try and make sure they wake up the next morning. I basically set up a whole network of people to keep them safe overnight and do all the necessary paperwork to get them into the good campus therapy program (they're a student). I did not sleep that night.

Come morning, they wake up, thank god, and they're still not doing great, they're not all the way at suicide anymore, but they are at the start of the spiral that took them there. I manage to get them to not go down that spiral again and just take the day off instead, we stay on the phone for a while until I have to go to a meeting. After the meeting I get a message, they're pissed at me for asking their neighbor to check up on them and getting all our friends involved, and I just think, well at least they're angry, that's better than trying to die. So I try to explain my thinking, but they're having none of it, and we go on like this for pretty much the rest of the day. The next day our friends pull through helping them clean their apartment and bringing them food, (they had litterally none in the house, no money to buy food with, and was living off the uber eats I sent them over the whole weekend and untill Wednesday night) this takes away some of the immediate stressors, and they're able to make it to Thursday and go to their mom's house for the weekend.

Over the weekend I go to a house party I've been invited to, and I managed to make one singular friend at this party. At around 3 am this guy comes up to us while we're chatting and askes if anyone wants to order some coke, my new friend says yes, he'll try some, and gives the guy some money. About 30 minutes later this guy is still on the phone with the dealer and I can tell my friend is not comfortable with the idea anymore, but doesn't want to go ask for his money back. I let the situation play out at that point. When the drugs do arrive my friend is even less comfortable and asks me to accompany him to where they were gonna do them, I do so. They need a smooth surface for it and my friend offers his phone. One of the other guys are is already hyped up on something else and is acting pretty aggressive. My friend takes some of the drugs and then wants to leave, but the guy holding his phone hostage keeps trying to pressure him into taking more. I'm the most sober out of anyone at that point and end up having to intervene. We manage to get the phone back and try to leave, but they guy keeps trying to hug us and bring us back into the room, I end up having to physically push him away. We manage to leave and I drive my friend home. I got home at around 5 am and immediately crashed into bed.

So that's everything that happened the past month, I had my car towed, I talked my partner down, and I diffused a drug situation. And I'm feeling a little bit like I cannot handle another big situation like that this month.

It also feels like just about everyone I know is either too stressed out to help me deal, or has caught the objectively worse side of one of these situations, but I still need to get this out, so here we are

[john-barkston]

Me venting about life:

you know i don't consider myself queer even tho I am Aro / Ace and can find either gender attractive. I have short "boy" hair because I think it finally makes me look like /me/. I am comfortable in my body. I don't believe in marriage or having kids. I don't believe in god. I think religion (yes all of them) is a poison. It took me until my late 20s to realize this about myself. And ever since I've never felt like I couldn't be this person except I am heavily reminded every time I talk to my mom, that she wouldn't like who I am....or at least who I am would devastate her to the point of physical heartbreak.

There's a loooot of family drama going on in the background right now and long story short, im the only person my mom feels comfortable unloading to. which is fine. my dad is dead. her parents are dead. her siblings are insane so not a lot of options, oh, problem, shes also mega christian and she still thinks (or at least hasn't told me otherwise) I am also some what christian. She weeps to me, tells me she doesn't think she can go on like this, how she is hurt by my brother's actions. And I get it. It sucks. It seems like her own son doesn't want to be around her / wants to keep the grand kids from her. There's a lot to unpack about his marriage but we won't go into that either. but I can only offer her an ear. I cannot give advice. The advice I would give would be too harsh, or in the case of GO TO A FUCKING THERAPIST, too secular or something. She never really believed in therapy even though she desperately needs one. (There is A LOT more to this i am not sharing but i promise i am not trying to make this about myself lol even tho it ends up about me T v T ah)

anyway......drama aside She continues the conversation and makes a silly little comment about a conversation she had with my childhood bestfriend's mom about why neither of us are married. (its a joke about how we were scarred for life from a heinous and impromptu "sex ed" bible study thing at an event we went to. We were in 6th grade and they had the whole "you're gonna die and go to hell and get stds and here's some nasty pictures on a fucking projection screen." She tells me how mad I was about it, and how it upset my friend so much. And how they can laugh about it now but obviously it was upsetting and uncalled for. -the did not know it was happening btw. gotta love church events just doing whatever they want in the name of god) This may be a joke, but I know she thinks something wrong must have happened for me to not be married and have kids. She blames her bad relationship with my dad. She blames silly things like this. She blames ....well idk what else, but she's never stopped to consider I don't want that life, because hmmm I just don't!

ugh anyway I lost my steam....point is, I can never be true to my mom. She is way too emotionally unstable for me to come out with it. I want to. I want to be me. I see my friends getting to be themselves around their parents, talking about queer shit, just being human, but i'm always keeping my mouth shut or dodging conversations with my mom, and of course I will always be there for her because I love her but, man, it's rough. I am so sorry for everyone who has ever had to keep their true selves from their family. AND I DON"T EVEN HAVE IT BAD LOL. I am the most vanilla queer you can be.....but man even then....

thank you for coming to my ted talk. it is very lame that this tumblr post is my vent blog L O L but oh well. typing it out helped and publishing it makes it go out into the void and away from me so yeah.....= v = bye.

[duztbxll]

first post / vent

I want success more than anything but I have yet to define it. What is success? Is it a feeling? A place? An object? Is it a number? I guess it's just up to the individual but to truly define what success is to you, you have to completely abandon the idea of someone else's perception of you because what if our definitions of success are different and that causes me to not be successful by their standard. I don't like the idea that I have to have a degree or have a big house to have succeeded. Growing up I watched my peers slowly mold into who they are and develop ideas of what they want to be when they “grow up” I always thought maybe I was just a little behind and needed a little extra time to find my passion but I'm a 17 year old college dropout I only went for 3 weeks I couldn't even finish my 4th and I still have no Idea what I want to do with my life, All I know is I want to be happy I want to be surrounded by life and color and art and love. But there's always been this heavy crushing pressure I put on myself I need to be something great because if I'm not I'm putting all my parents hard work to waist the spend their lives wasting away killing their bodies trying to give me the tools to be great and I have the tools all I need to do is be great. I was supposed to be a lawyer, a dental hygienist, and a psychologist. But I just can't imagine myself going back to a school environment. It sucks the life out of me, the deadlines, constantly comparing my work to others. I know it's something I should be able to handle but I'm just not there yet. It's the same thing with hobbies or talents, I always did a good job at coloring in the lines but I could never draw my own pictures I lacked the creativity it seems my only talent is my complex thinking and the way I know how to put my feelings into words but it's also my downfall this thinking is what keeps me from living a fulfilling life I do all this thinking and that's where most get their creativity from but for me I don't create with these feelings I have I'm a failed artist. It's like I think of getting excited about something but can never manage to actually do it. My mom tells me that it's depression and I need to medicate and while I agree it is obvious I have depression I just don't think medication is the route I want to take at least not without being paired with therapy I just need to say these feelings out loud I need someone who isn't in my life and isn't biased to hear me. It makes me sad looking back on my high school years because I haven't changed I still feel all the same things and think the same way about myself I watch the cycle repeat itself every few months, I will completely change my mindset and the way I view myself and the world around me I will become so optimistic it's scary and then flip to a deep depression that is so suffocating my life goes on pause. And it repeats it's been this way for years but recently it's been getting worse. It only takes days to switch now it's gotten to the point where I don't even know what to think because I don't know when my mind will change again.