#also i wanna say this isnt even about a particular thing and its not in defense of any particular person LOL

[todayisafridaynight]

i’m pretty surprised that you can be in a fandom without really checking the tags regularly for new content or discussions that’s pretty impressive

ive got twitter for that and twitter has shown me enough as is

[hevendor]

i feel like ppl on the internet overanalyze what makes a good apology now .. i remember wen i first started seeing ppl talk abt the difference between "good" and "bad" apologies like 10 or so years ago n the focus was more like "are they trying to shift blame off of themselves or are they actually accepting responsibility"

so an example as a shit apology is like "im sorry you felt offended i didnt expect anyone to react that way to what i did" n its cuz its basically blaming ppl for being offended

and then other apologies that r often considered bad r ones that seem almost like a vague generic template like "i did wrong so i will do better now pls forgive me" n it doesnt show the person even acknowledges what they even did wrong they just want to skip to being forgiven w/e any effort

and criticisms of those types i accept fully but i feel like ppl r starting to get more and more specific w how apologies need to b as if the apology needs to b absolutely flawless to mean anything n i think thats so bogus ... usually wen someone is apologizing for smth and they actually mean it and care a lot then they r also gonna b v emotional n its weird to expect someone who is spiraling to produce the most perfect well thought out and eloquent apology humanly possible .. like that is a legit skill to be able to write well thought out statements and its not a skill that spontaneously develops based on how genuinely sorry someone is lol ..

of course there are also lots of important nuance in any given situation such as what it is that is being apologized for and who the person is n all this other stuff so of course an apology can still b bad even if it isnt trying to blame other ppl/feels like a template but i still think there r way too many situations in which there are overly high expectations of what an apology should include

i feel like after taking a step back from internet culture i gained more of an understanding that people r just people and are always liable to make many mistakes and to b unable to handle everything perfectly especially wen emotions r high so i feel more forgiveness esp for ppl whos "crime" wasnt anything that extreme or was maybe understandable given the situation they were placed in and the feelings they were likely feeling .. no one acts rationally 100% of the time and mistakes r how ppl learn.. again there is nuance to everything tho

[angel---eater]

thinking about how my usual go-to intersex dirk is affected by cooercive gendering in both the beta and alpha timelines.... and just gender stuff in homestuck in general.... cause the timeframe really counts. where babydirk lands temporally really makes or breaks this guy and his rship with his body. dirk as a character is so concerned abt how others percieve him that he wears his interests and hobbies like leather armour. he wears the projected images other ppl have of him more than he just, yknow, is

dirk in the beta timeline wouldve been fostered and was CAMAB, but his puberty started doing Unexpected Things, so they took little bro to the doctor so he can have his manly male puberty 'fixed'. bro would spend his whole life directly under the thumb of hegemonic cismasculinity, and he would know that if he adjusted even an inch, just to shift his weight even a little, then he suddenly wouldnt be Man Enough. and the blowback for that would be terrifying for him. hed be being slowly suffocated by the adults in his life and lil cal constantly whispering into his ear. this would be part of bro's experience with being groomed for sure

dirk in the alpha timeline however would be a free range kid. he wouldve grown up basically genderless until he figured out how to peruse the dead internet and discovered what boys and girls as cisgender concepts were. alpha dirks problem wouldnt so much be that hes directly under the thumb of Cis Manhood, but bc hed be desperately chasing after the ghosts of communities long dead. hed be directionless. he assumes hes a boy, he feels like one a lot of the time, but is he really? he keeps finding conflicting information on what Being A Man is, what Being A Woman is, what being Anyone At All is. hed chase after cismasculinity bc itd just feel the most familiar to him. he'd fall into the traps chrisofacist gender rolls laid out for masculinity bc thered be no one around but himself and his own very fallable perspecetive on this stuff to help get him out of it. and roxy is in the exact same boat. theyd have no idea how to even START talking about this except through the pidgeonhole of compcis

and its interesting too cause there IS talk of gender in the alpha session, but its from calliope whos also very very very removed from human (and troll, bc theyre analogous in canon) gender in the first place, eerily similar to dirk and roxy and their particular brand of isolation from humanity**. callie very explicitly represents the side of fandom that is good-faith exploration of canon, but whos too married to their own fanon and always more biased towards it over canon. i love callie so much but shes my biased and unreliable queen haha. what she says about gender, esp supposed gender-locked classpect stuff, isnt nessicarily, actually true. and thats REALLY cool bc of course everyone is a little biased about gender stuff and trans theories. its so personal how can we not be yknow?? and we experience other ppl through our own lens, having even residual biases (just favouring pink moreso than blue for example, im not talking abt bigotry) is just really normal imo. callie's a really good example of this. she knows shes a girl and loves being a girl, as she fuckin should, so she holds a grain of bias towards femininity and womanhood

**normally i would include jake in The Social Isolation, but again, where the alpha kids landed temporally REALLY makes a difference. jake is also completely isolated but he has an active and current internet to dig through. i wanna explore jakes relationship w/ himself more often but my brain is so full of dirk and roxy and callie its, well, its bias LMAO

[call-of-ishmael]

So i wanna talk about the "Outis is gonna betray the sinners" theory for a sec

Ive noticed a trend in Project Moon writing

In particular to foreshadowing

Theres two main examples i wanna give

First is the type of foreshadowing for when they really wanna surprise you, Roland mentioning the Purple Tear in passing in the prologue to Ruina, its stuff the game gives you plenty of time to forget about, it doesnt hide it but also doesnt dwell on it and it. Ive seen people revisit the prologue of Limbus company and express similar feelings

The other type is the blaring alarm sirens into misdirection combo. Angela in Lobotomt Corp is presented as the Evil AI

The game tells you multiple times id say practically beats you over the head with it. And Angela DOES betray you... but then the games go off to explore why this isnt an Evil AI betrayal and more a scared abuse victim trying to survive

Limbus also does that a lot in small ways with the sinners they give an initial mpression of them, then by the time their Canto hits you start to reevaluate how wrong that view you had was

And that brings me to Outis. Her deal seems way more like Angelas. Rolands whole thing is built up pretty slow, theres reasons to doubt, tense moments where you wonder what he knows and what he wants, but overall the game keeps moving without dwelling on it

Outis is from the get go presented to you as distrustful, her file says it, and not shortly afterwards the very obvious attempts to suck up to Dante which at this point even Dante is remarking on as well as most of the other sinners

All this to say: i think a betrayal of some sorts is definitely a given but i think the way in which it will happen in the story is not gonna be anywhere near what most people would expect.

[dungeonmeshi-confessions]

I wanna do more kabumisu positivity following that other anon. it really brightened my day so much.

bc really I dont want to bash other ships to lift mine up!!! and I actually also really love and respect labru, and know the majority of labru shippers arent Like That, just like most kabumisu shippers arent Like That. every group has some annoying, loud, opinionated people and they dont represent the average person who likes the ship, you know? I would love to see some labrus follow suit and send in some positivity as well!!! If the positivity keeps going I will come in here and post all my fave things about labru, labru art, and labru shippers as a kabumisu. lets ditch the bitching and hold hands instead!

anyway, some reasons I really love kabumisu

- as a neurodivergent disabled person dating another neurodivergent person, this is like. THE couple to me. and like its not just about mithrun being taken care of. taking care of mithrun actively helps kabru be more mindful of his own needs. In my life, I may struggle to feed myself, but I can make breakfast if my partner is hungry. other times she may do the same for me, it depends on who is doing worse.

-they both struggle with insomnia also

-from everything we've seen, pre-dungeon mithrun wasn't entirely dissimilar to kabru (high masking people pleaser) and thats Fascinating to me.

-kabru's job seems pretty stressful (no matter how much fulfillment it brings him, its a lot of responsibility for one person!) so I feel like coming home to that one guy he can take his mask off around and not even have to try and impress must be such a huge relief. also add mithrun with cooking experience to this, making kabru a nice meal after a long day of work.

-Mithrun is actually very perceptive and sees straight through kabru's bs multiple times and doesn't hesitate to call him out. Laios isnt the only character that forces kabru to be honest. ("unless theres someone else?" "theres someone you want to tell that story to.") mithrun is also the one who gives kabru the information he's been seeking this whole time.

-I am very interested in exploring mithruns whole desire situation. what desires does he gain? I think it is probably a lot of little ones that weave together. oh also I think sometimes things may seem more mithrun centric bc in any story where he is going to end up in a relationship he is going to have a much more dynamic arc than whoever he is paired with. literally dynamic as in like. he requires a lot more growth to achieve the outcome. and there are ways to skip it or gloss through it but. a lot of these stories require that in some way you show the progress has happened.

-to me, kabumisu is more often queeplatonic than romantic. but Im aroace so that could just be my aroace glasses. ALSO kabru is vaguely aro to me. you mean the guy thats super desirable that doesnt really seem interested in anyone particular outside of pursuing friendship? that guy? (also the way he did rin omfg)

-random but I dont think kabrus PTSD is talked about enough and also like the extent of his trauma. its not just utaya/monsters/his mom dying; its being raised by a single mother, its his blue eyes, its being adopted, its being raised by an elf, etc!!!! a lot of things he does bc of ptsd get attributed to autism (I also hc kabru as autistic, and some is symptom overlap. but it is secondary to the ptsd! he is traumatized first and foremost ty) I really love kabru so much. ty for the ptsd rep <3

-also out here to say I know an amount of kabumisu content is mithrun centric. I will tell you from my pov specifically though its bc I deeply relate to mithrun (as someone who once told a therapist many years ago I desired nothing and truly meant it. she said I was like a puppet without strings. of course I saw mithrun and was like. oh.) and Im in love with kabru. kabru reminds me of all the people who gave me a reason to pull through. people who saw good in me and treated me like a person when I didnt feel like one. I also really relate to kabru though as someone with complex trauma, even if my traumas are not the same. thats why I say I think not enough is attributed to his ptsd. anyway, once I just opened a notebook and wrote kabrus name over and over again with hearts. I have never done this to mithrun. so dont tell me kabumisus dont like kabru !!!

-kabru and mithrun are both so gender. Ive seen so many variants on their gender and gender expression in the ship. some people hate this and insist they must be one way or the other. I think theyre neat lots of different ways. I love when theyre both feminine men. I love when mithrun is super masc. I love when theyre butch4butch. I love when theyre both trans. and so much more. its all beautiful. a very good variety of food. the other day on my dash I had a tallman art of mithrun with the biggest tits imaginable and the very next post he was like a little porcelain doll. keep up the good work guys. I love you.

.

[trainingdummyrabbit]

which character ya wanna post about? (invitation to go off)

ouuHGUHUGHHG ive been rotating this around for hours bc ive redirected myself like 5 times since u sent it but ithink i got it i got it this time. i wanna talk abt porccubus. ok gimme a minute gimme a minute

so like. i know theyre technically the same thing, across lobcorp/ruina, but i really really wanna dissect the weird contrast it has going on there. (though, isuppose, their "same"ness is kinda up in the air re:abnos, considering there was a librarian snippet abt child of the galaxy being more "vicious", but wwwwwweh [waves hands around])

so like. the thing about lobcorp porccubus is that its just. an odd fucking creature. like yeah obviously, but its about the way its perception seems to weave around it. its core themes, that of pleasure and euphoria, uncontainable and uncontrollable, would imply that its something impulsive, stimulation-seeking, something that is driven wholly by desire and would be difficult to pin down. however, the way that its logs and flavor text are written give off a much more... subdued vibe, for lack of better words to describe it.

it is the source of that elation, yes, but everything in the way it holds itself is so withdrawn. it simply floats there, yes, but there is little to no mention of it making any moves of its own (which, now that i recheck its info log, is also mentioned plaintext!) and its in-work flavor text seems to speak with the tone of someone Studying it, Speaking about it, rather than observations of its movements or descriptions of its mindset. its all very distant. speaking in third person to someone who is listening. ...right?

which is to say: whats wrong with this dog. its story implies direct exploitation yet it just… it Just. its some strange little animal. its not malevolent and trying to kill people for fun. but it also isnt all sad like petals plucked from a daisy. it just Is. it has almost the same sort of feel as some sort of object. and yet it is clearly alive. does it have a will? it must; as abnormalities Do. so what is it? it functions by its own rules and just kinda Goes Here. does it want? does it need?

porccubus itself acts more like a Service or Trade than an actual creature. you walk in and interact with it, and it knows what to do in response. game of trust - it does a little song and dance as is its nature, yet doesnt seem to desire much more.

which also brings me to the shackle-- the little necklace around its neck. it speaks about how it was chained up, for whatever reason, and yet nobody seems to have any idea why. and porccubus... just doesnt seem to mind it. never mentions it. its such a particular type of indifference. (i suppose another good question is what is it shackled to?) and even further still... what does it mean that the ego gift it grants Is that necklace?

lc!porccubus as a creature is laced with restraint. both in a literal sense, And in an internal sense. pleasure and euphoria, yet it is definitively restrained. it cannot reach out first. it does not act on its own, but rather waits for something else to reach out First. even when it breaches, it (according to what im reading,) simply... waits. waits for an approach. (you Must approach it. it has to be a Choice.) theres something very Aimless about it, mechanical almost. i cant really sum it up in any way other than That Is An Animal.

...which brings a very interesting contrast between It and its Ruina counterpart. in the library, its much more Jubilant. it speaks, for one, which is something i straight up didnt know it did for a while. the way that it presents itself outwardly is much more outspoken-- inviting, wanting someone to engage, trying to persuade that first step. it yearns! pet it! it wants to share what it has to give, but it still wants that hand of yours offered to it First. its happy! its happy! come be happy with it!! dance with it, play with it! its demeanor is so much more forward, more present... more conscious.

and crucially... that shackle is no longer tied about its neck. rather, it dangles loose from the end of its tail, almost like an accessory rather than something granted/given to it. does this represent the release of former ties? it certainly acts more free than it did before-- whatever was holding it back, is it gone now? is its shift in demeanor the jubilant frolicking of that which has never been able to soar? is this what allows its nature of wishing to share that elation to shine through? much like a dog chained to a stake, finally being set loose in an open field.

in an unspoken turn of events, porccubus seems to focus on Release. release of ties, release of inhibitions, release of that which had been holding you back. it wants nothing more than to give what it is experiencing to those which are weighed down by things that keep them unhappy. and yet, it does nothing to truly alleviate what those woes are, simply covering them up with a layer of unrelenting sweetness.

..............which of course, brings me to angela. yeah yall thought i could go an essay without her?? lol. lmao.

on the floor realization centered around her staunch desire to live, it almost seems to stick out like a sore thumb. with all of the withdrawn mourning and wishing that the rest of the phases share, pleasure is an odd slap in the face, almost. but... it really does make it hit that much harder-- Especially with that which was expanded upon above. the imagery of unshackling yourself from that which held you down, allowing yourself to feel things you never were able to-- never were Allowed to. is that not what she stands for, here?

its reaching towards an open door, trying to grasp to any amount of Living that you can reach-- you deserve that much, at least. at the Very least. you Have to be allowed something. but not only is it that desire, but its also the Ignorance. the understanding that no matter what you mask it with, all that baggage still remains. chasing those short, intense bursts of happiness-- everything else still continues to eat away at what's underneath. and yet, theres still a consciousness to that. even further than that, a commitment.

who cares what becomes of you because of this? this happiness-- this which you were never allowed to so much as dream of-- is right within your grasp. and to taste it for even the smallest of moments, the briefest amount of time-- that makes it worth it. it was all worth it. nothing matters more than this complete devotion to sensation. it doesnt matter if it tears you apart from the inside, this is what you were always looking for. this is what you deserve. and youll do anything to hold onto it.

in some odd way, it really is about rotting.

in conclusion,

[velvetvexations]

I'm answering these via text again because it would take way too long otherwise!

read the screencaps of that one really nasty transradfem you rb'd a little earlier and you know what struck me in particular is, especially as they went on (there were many) it was so interesting seeing how many of them used text like "trans women" almost exclusively for trans women but trans men/mascs got almost exclusively called 'tboys' 'they/hes' 'tmes' 'theyfabsbians (???)' and 'aidans' and not once just called trans men. and i wonder if theres some part of them that is aware of how bad that would look. how much more spiteful that would seem. or at least more obviously full of shit. or maybe its just self-righteous rage idk. it doesn't REALLY matter WHY, its just stomach-curdling dehumanization and its suuuch a bummer. anyway youre great as ever! have a good weekend :)

It's so fucking gross and weird, and blatantly transandrophobic specifically in a way that's undeniable.

The conversations around it have cooled down, but it was disconcerting seeing people act like the reaction to intersex people in athletics is purely transphobic (and only impacting intersex athletes incidentally), when one of the people actually supporting rulings against intersex women is Joanna Harper, a trans woman and scientist. She has previously testified against Caster Semenya on behalf of World Athletics. I support Harper's work in arguing for trans women's inclusion in sport. It is vitally important. I do not wish ill on her whatsoever. But she showcases the huge intersexism problem the wider trans community has, which needs to be more widely acknowledged. ("Hyperandrogenism and women vs women vs men in sport: A Q&A with Joanna Harper" is perhaps the most illustrative example of her views.)

Also, you straight-up have countless numbers of radfems and other transphobes taking the intersex argument into account wrt Imane Khelif and going "yeah well he's still a male sweetie :)" so it's not like you can even say her situation specifically was about trans women even if that was a large part of it.

this isnt a trans related thing but i know you answer asks often so apolgies in advance do you ever get so excited that you just dont do something? like, not "oh i dont have the energy/cant focus/ect" but your just so excited to do something that you literally can't? i'm having that with some videos i wanna watch and its like pleaseeee i just wanna watch themmmm but now i've been plagued with energy

sorry, anon with to much energy again, would like to add i'm not sure if i have adhd or not but i'm leaning towards no cause it would be really inconvenient if i did and also this happens with literally everything not just videos, books, youtube vids(rn), tv shows, games idk how to end this so have a good day!

My problem is definitely in the opposite direction, I never have enough energy. Would that we could switch.

So I will say iirc social murder is a legitimate concept that's typically used to describe the ways that vulnerable populations are quietly killed under the guise of "letting die" such as putting DNRs on disabled patients during covid who had no desire for and indeed no idea they had effectively been marked as "acceptable to let die". It goes along with stuff like abjectification aka a demographic is made into not simply an object or non-human but a monster worthy of being put down. The abjectification of Palestinians is what allows the state of israel to say explicitly or implicitly things like "there are no innocent civilians" Sorry if there's any typos I've missed ^^;;

Pervious anon again to also clarify that social murder is something done systematically and can be done by omission too like the way in which adoptees especially trans racial & international adoptees face higher rates of suicide, risk of harm fron caregives, and medical issues that go treated bc of a lack of family medical history bc were just seen as ungrateful for wanting contact with our families of origin even if it's SOLEY for getting our medical records

Trans ppl of all kinds experience social murder through medical neglect, domestic/caregiver/workplace violence and though omission via lack of legal protection/trans panic defense stuff. Social murder is not something one individual does to another individual though individuals do uphold the systems that allow social murder...it's very uncomfortable to be part of the demographics that are subject to these quiet "letting die" situations and fear that we'll become a statistic and then have ppl try to turn it into an interpersonal gotcha for lateral aggression / separatist purposes so like ty for trying to course correct that Again sorry if we missed any typos and we think your really cool ^^;;

I think that's just a similar name for an entirely different concept, though. I don't know to what extent "social murder" is or was used outside of transradfem circles to mean "canceling but like, evil" but it was the first time I heard either the phrase or that context.

hey as a trans man I just wanted to let you know I really really appreciate your blog and you standing with us, I hope we can all endeavour to stand by each other in times like this. we're stronger together than apart and every trans person, regardless of identity, deserves to have a voice.

It's always my pleasure, anon.

nice transandrophobic opinion, nerd. did you get it from your favorite tankie blogger?

lmao fr I need to start using that

Miss Velvet, I am unfollowing, flambéing, blocking, etc for your dragon ball takes! …just kidding. I love your posts.

I have all the right takes.

youre so cool

I knowwwwww

such a weird assumption that trans women cant be into detrans kink too?? my trans girlfriend was into it and even if i personally wasnt i like being a kink sponge so she could get it all out on me

It's especially bullshit because the coiner of transandrophobia was crucified for a indulging a trans woman with a detrans kink.

out of curiosity. any thoughts on cannibalism? hypothetically of course. fantasy only

Not my thing, although I think the metaphysical idea of incorporating what you eat into your spirit somehow is fascinating.

I checked the post and I'm not seeing ops letting terfs call trans women rapist in the replies Like its not there They were just offline and can't be online to block every shit terf that speaks every three seconds. Also love how that person remived rbs after u saw the post bc they know theyre lying and pretending they're being "dogpiled"

I relaize I might just have all the terfs blocked but my point stabds: this person probably isnt chronically online to argue with every terfs who makes up lies. i sometimes just ignore them bc yhe obly terfs i worry about are the ones who say that shit in real queer spaces an noth their pathetic little blogs

Yeah, like. The idea was that they were deleting one group of radfems and not the other and that just wasn't true. So frustrating, but them killing the reblogs is hilarious as always.

[oh-for-fic-sake-library]

Anal?

Masterlist

Summary: its fun enlightening people isnt it?

Warnings : mentions of anal (surprise surprise) teasing, swearing, crack fic

A/N:just a funny little drabble based on banter and commeradery. Also i would 100% tease the fuck out of obi-wan i wanna make him blush so bad, and i know i could. I just know it!

"Aren't you excited to get home and enjoy that four letter word?" Cody asked, excited to be heading home for a few weeks' leave. The others took that as a queue for a little guessing game, each offering their own four letter word. love?,Food? Beer?

"Anal?" Everyone paused nd snapped their heads to you. You forwned but kepts chewing your mouthfull of cookie slowly, flicking your gaze between the others.

"A-anal? Y/n? What the fuck? Your a jedi!" Cody broke the awkward silence with a yell, waving at you animatedly.

"Oh What like i cant be a jedi and like anal at the same time?" You said with a scoff rolling your eyes before taking another bite of your cookie.

"Well i? No? But.!?" He tried to find the words to argue his point but you cut him off.

"Exactly. Butts" you smirked pointing to him with a suggestive raise pf your eyebrows.

"Fucking hell!"

"This discussion is very inappropriate" obiwan called from his seat across the room. Desperately trying npt to massaged his temples as he felt another head ache coming. He knew you would rile the others up. You cpuldnt help it it was in your nature, not even being raised in the temple could get rid of your sadistic streak. And by force did they try to teach it out of you.

"Like youve never tried butt stuff?" You grunted at the older man with a light sneer. Not about to be judged by so eone who'd probably played more 'hide the salami' then you ever had.

But the jedi master held firm, trying to keep a stern gaze, but flushed. His eyes gave him away. No, he had never explored to that degree.

"Wait youve neve smashed a girls back doors in?" You pondered out loud unable to fathom the attractive man had never been given the chance to lay some back door pipe.

"Oh my god you havent? Well shit i thought he got it from you?" You exclaimed pointing a thumb in Anakins direction whoch ,and a few of the others chuckle. Anakin frowned for a second and made to ask what you meant, but obi-wan got there first with a sputtering yelp.

"I beg your pardon?! Who got what from me exactly?" Obiwans voice grew high. Offended by the insinuation. Yet still asked just to clarify he hadnt misheard you.

"Well, you know you got anakin when you were young, i gathered he got that cocky adventourous sheet freak vibe from you? But now Im geussing not?" You shrugged

"Wait i give off sheet freak vibes?" Anakin asked from the door, a little too excitedly if you do say so yourself.

"Err yeah.... did you not know that? Like half the temple thinks your a kinky son of a btich... and they think you got it from him" you explained whilst slowly pointing to obiwan, who despite blushing looked completly blindsided. And appalled.

"Jedi have fantasy fucks?"

"Im stil, surprised to find out you guys have sex? Like kriff! You live in an actual temple" You rolled your eyes as the guys spoke out loud, completely confused. It was like they belived jedi were a differe speices. Idiots.

"We're not fucking abstinent. We just dont form relationships. We are free to fuck all we want;i mean damn you can fuck without being lovers. So in other words yes. Jedi women have fantasy fucks. And most of the ones i know;which is a fair few are sort of split into two camps. Obi-wan and Anakin. Some are simps for windu too but err. No thanks i tryto avoid that particular locker room talk"

"Im a fantasy fuck? Thats pretty awsome actually." Anakin laughed puffing his chest with pride. You giggled at him nodding, pleased that he atleast found it amusing.

"Thats the spirit" you praised him with a beaming grin.

"Anakin, y/n can you both just shut up? Please I just? I didnt need to know this type of thing happened in the temple." Obi-wan huffed pinching his brow. Clearly he was getting fed up with the two of you and your laid back attitudes. Honestly why the hell the council had paired you two together in the same troop he will never know. You both brought out the worst in each other.

"To be honest obi-wan, you should be proud, i mean being a temple fantasy fuck is quite something. We are a religious bunch... maybe sacrilegious now?" You teased lightly trying to lighten him up with so e jokes. He really was a stuck in the mud. But then again that stern yet caring disposition was what had granted him the 'daddy' moniker. His reply was a stern grunt of your name, warning you to pack it in.

"What? Im Tying'na make you feel better. No one likes a sad obi-wan. Especially the ladies at the temple" you pouted glearing at him crossing your arms. But he held your gaze, raising a brow.

"Am i a fantasy fuck in the temple" the question came from cody, sitting beside you. You paused for a moment before pointing at him a little.

"You know what? I'll ask around and get back to you on that cody" the conversation seemed to stall their, much to the jedi masters relief. Anakin looked to obi-wan seeing him relax, thanking the stars anal was jot the topic of discussion now. He smirked, he couldnt have that now could he?

"Sooo anal?" He asked, turing his head to you suggestively smirking, before sending you a not so subtl wink. Obi-wan deapanned before ha ing his head. Muttering ' For fuck sake anakin' under his breath.

"In your dreams pretty boy" you uttered smirking back at him enjoying the little tit for tat, and the fact anakin was in a playful mood, whoch was rare nowadays.

"Ah your an obi-wan kind of girl, gotcha" he grinned crossing his arms and tipping back to lean on the wall.the others laughed and began hooting like a bunch of overgrown teens.

"Fuck you!" You cursed glowering at him playfully.

"I just tried, but you turned me down" he coundptered sending the clones into peals of laughter as your face turned red and yo tried to find some scathing reply.

"Anakin stop it!" Obi-wan chided half heartedly. He couldnt help it, deep down he did enjoy seeing the old playfull anakin rear his head. It was rare.

"Oh i think the feelings mutual. Lucky obi-wan y/n~" you flushed brighter and squeaked. The grin on obi-wan's face dropped and he began scolding him. But as usual it fell on deaf ears.

"Thats not fair! Jedi get the force, the sabers, and now anal?!" Cody cried raising his hands in a 'what the fuck' gesture. You threw your head back laughing at the list of jedi perks. Even anakin broke out into a thunderous laugh. Clearly the man had done the back door break in probably to avoid pregnancy; much like you if your honest.

"no one is getting anal; dont you dare give me that look y/n" obi-wan stated making the room break out into a chorus of groans. Yoh giggled though, your pout had caught iphis attention.

"Boring old fart" you snipped slumpjng back into your seat with a grunt.

"Hey! Watch it" he growled snapping his fingers whislt pojntjng at you.

"What ever you say daddy~" you laughed when his composure slipped and his cheeks glowed. You smirked at him. Gotcha! He rolled his eyes waving a hand at you before slipping away from the group with a sigh. By know youd thought he'd learn youd do anything to rile him up. Teasing was pretty much the only fun you got. Well untill you got so e leave and found a little fuck boy.

[hwajin]

hey! the feedback anon back again

I mean, there’s nothing wrong with just writing for fun and just putting it out there flawed, things don’t have to be perfect to be worth sharing. it’s all just fun and if you want to tell a story you should tell it. its what makes the world go round.

but I think saying “I don’t know how to do it differently” isnt true! have you tried taking a few steps back, coming back to edit it after? check out how other writes do it, learn from them? I think if you wanted to spend the time, and again, it’s optional, it’s a hobby, you could definitely learn. like if you’re aware you overexplain, why don’t you go back over a passage and delete some of it and then read it again to see if it still makes sense? ask a reader for feedback?

idk, I’m just rambling and it’s all up to you, but I think if you tried, you could fix these things <3 it just takes time and some courage and application, but effort always equals reward

take care~

i mean i probably could at some point write differently, but then again, idk i rlly could if that makes sense jfjsjdjd. also, if i even want to — the way i write now suits a certain type of writing i feel like, and i rlly rlly like the way i write, when it comes to drabbles and one-shots. changing my style would mean getting weaker in what i feel confident in, i think. i always say this, serieses and long stories etc etc are my number one weaknesses, and no matter how often i take inspiration from other writers on here i think my writing style simply isn't rlly fit for long stories. like, to a certain point i do rlly think that i can't write differently. like, i have one writer on here in particular who i look up to immensly and no matter how often i read her stories, i can't get behind how she can write the way she writes — it's rlly fascinating because she has strengths everywhere where i have my weaknesses. then again, i sometimes see her saying that one-shots aren't rlly her thing; so yes, i maybe could write differently, but my series won't ever be as good as my one-shots, because everyone's strengths lay elsewhere, i feel like, and we can't master everything! it's kinda like an artist who specializes in a specific style of painting, and lacks in other parts; yes, they could become better at one style if they put enough effort in, but the style they prefer and have a maybe natural talent in will always be better and stronger, and come more naturally, i feel like.

and yes, i do edit my stuff, i do take steps back (probably too much lmao), but what i end up doing is adding things, actually, because it simply feels too vague and not deep enough when i first write it; then again the entire story isn't deep per se, so idk jfjejdj. as i said before, my problem is mainly my inabilty to create worlds because maybe my creativity is limited, or maybe my brain just comes up with stuff in a different way than other ppl's brains, esp those who are very much able to write serieses; even just today, while i was writing on chapter 3, i forgot if my character's a smoker or not, and i feel like that shows my writing process and the fact that i simply do not even know my own characters, because i'm not rlly, like, able to truly create them. it's kinda always been like this, too, long before i started writing for skz and when i still wrote for different artists; i've been trying to write serieses for ages and never even finished one before 'twin flames', and i only truly found my writing style when i discovered one-shots.

so, idk, ig if i rlly wanted to i could learn, in a way, to write serieses/ long story-lines, but then idk if i RLLY could esp since i've been trying to for so long, and it's nowhere near my strength, and also not entirely what i truly enjoy about writing!!! i just wanna dip my toes into smth different from time to time ig, it just sucks a bit that ppl aren't much interested in that!

[odysseys-blood]

ive been having fun looking through the cards on the intimacy page and seeing what all i can understand/intepret from them and i just wanna ramble a bit about each so thats going under the cut (currently i have owyn, delos, xiel, mishe and heigl so just them until i get the others. also a little bit spoilery ofc)

no particular order so starting w/ mishe

his has the most obvious pieces i think. cityscape with a clock tower when he was raised in one after being taken in by his grandfather. books on shelves surrounding him because thats how he preferred to live etc etc. i think the stars in the inner circle could represent the sky that he loved to watch at the top of the tower during the evenings dotted with stars with everything still and calm. * i think what im most interested in is the outer ring (w/ the zodiac symbols) bc it looks a little like a magic circle and might be a nod to where he was originally from also hes got a very calm and neutral pose but i dont think theres much to glean from that

even with how much time has passed and heigl knowing his wife is dead and gone it still looks like hes waiting for her. which is funny considering her name which i have been ao sad about for days. If you didnt know, her name was Laica (which im sure is supposed to be said like laika. yknow the dog that was sent to space on a one way trip) and she left one day (on their anniversary no less) and didnt come home. but hes still there and he looks like hes thinking hard, probably about all the time he missed spending with her in favor of work. theres ofc also the gravestones at the bottom and the candles for a vigil. also did a quick look because i noticed the roses in his hand and scattered around the edges, and 3 (in his hand) can mean "i love you" and 8 (around the borders) can be a symbol of appreciation. also the roses in the border look like theyre on textile and from his backstory laica seemed to enjoy sewing and knitting.

ok from here i have a bit less to say/its a lot less concrete continuing:

owyn's looks the most peaceful to me tbh. out of all of the ones ive seen hes the only one thats smiling and seemingly content. what i will point out though are two things: one being the eagle, which im wondering is just a bird he might know or if its the one that was the messenger between helsinf and whoever it was that was warning him about people pursuing beastmen like owyn, and the other being the flowers in the border. unlike with heigl's theyre kind og hidden behind the border designs which feels to me like it represents his past with experimentation (and from what i can tell it was probably experiments eith the vialis curse). i wonder if he still thinks about it at all

i think the first thing i noticed is just how. empty delos' feels. like its still just as elaborate as the others so i dont mean that it LOOKS empty..but it FEELS like it is. despite how confidently he appears for the most part in the actual story here it looks like hes trying to hide. he doesn't want to be seen and i think its a mix of not wanting to take on his father's duty as the zarketh yet (mix of not feeling worthy of the role as well as feeling that if he takes it then its the same as writing off his father as dead which u see in the current event) plus feeling shame for not being the protector he swore he would be even if nothing that happened to his family is his fault. because at the end of the day he was supposed to be there for them no ifs ands or buts. and while the ocean is an important part of zarcove and a symbol of it i think you could also take it for the feeling of him drowning in his own insecurities and grief and lonliness

i forgot who i saw point it out or if it was on here or twit ill look late but i really didnt notice at first that he isnt smiling. i guess bc it looks so close to his actual sprite and he has a small smile there but it rly is a blink-and-you-miss-it detail i like. honestly to me his feels a bit empty like delos' just instead that "emptiness" is filled w/ a pretty background that screams opulence but like. it means little to him because thats just what he was expected to inherit. honestly while it has a church look to it (which i wouldnt understand much rn how that would fit in anyways i havent unlocked his last room) it does also remind me of a bird cage a little and i wonder if the floating pages have anything to do with all of the books and general entertainment he just couldn't have while growing up

[scalproie]

for the character ask game: kuai, hanzo, bi-han, and smoke with 12, 15-20, and 22 :)

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

Kuai: I like to think that in the 2nd timeline, post-alliance, kuai wouldve unknowingly taken some inspiration from hanzo's leadership of the shirai ryu to lead his own clan, reforming a lot of stifling rules to establish more of a community within the lin kuei members.

Hanzo: And similarly, especially after the trauma of having lost his entire clan, hanzo wouldve also unknowingly picked up a few things from kuai to lead the new shirai ryu, but rather than making changes to his clan's rules, he's doing most of the work on HIMSELF to lead it more "efficiently" and avoid past tragedies from happening again. Which, if mk11 didnt happened, would have resulted in both clans being similar enough that they have no issue partnering and temporarily switching members for missions, and, should it ever come to that, could even be merged as a single clan (as they once were after all), all thanks to the efforts of their grandmasters.

Bi-han: In the 1st and 2nd timeline, I wanna think bi-han initially did wanted to take the masters' attention and implied abuse away from kuai by being a cocky (but talented) little shit, but over the years the act became who he is as a person as he rose through the ranks to become the lin kuei's best assassin.

Smoke: 2nd timeline smoke literally Came Back Wrong, its impossible to tell where tomas the human boy sacrificed by a cult ends and where enenra the smoke demon begins, is he a human posessed by a demon? or a demon with a human's memory? He is neither completely from earthrealm nor the netherrealm, he belongs nowhere, hence why he has found a home in, and is extra protective of, the few friends he has made.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

Subscorp for kuai and hanzo, Bireena for bi-han, and I guess Subsmoke wins by default for tomas (obv not the mk12 one). Im a basic bitch what can I say.

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

Everything else, im not a multishipper

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

Again I guess I'll go with subsmoke

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

Kuai and hanzo in the 2nd timeline over the course of three games... pretty good👍 (<- rewrote my brain chemistry). Bi-han and hanzo's rivalry is great. Smoke is underutilized but I do love that he and kuai will be friends in every timeline

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

EVERY relationship they all have could be better bc sadly we get our storytelling from a fucking fighting game, but I want kuai to have a better (not necessarily more positive) dynamic with frost, I want hanzo and harumi's relationship to be done justice, I want bi-han to have his childhood as well as kuai's explored and their history toward each other as brothers deepened (1st and 2nd timeline ESPECIALLY bc man. fuck mk12) and I want smoke to form one meaningful relationship that isnt tied to kuai.

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

Kuai: kitana

Hanzo: harumi/kenshi/jax/sonya (legends). For the loner of mk, he sure has a lot of bestie potential

Bi-han: sareena (the brotherhood of shadows really)/sektor & cyrax/fujin (I stand that he and fujin would have the funniest dynamic, especially as noob saibot. I want them to have a 80s buddy cop-like adventure together)

Smoke: jade/reptile/johnny

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

WHEN ITS WRITTEN BY MY FRIENDS honestly my wants are simple: I just like when theyre written as adult men raised in a very isolated at best, oppressive at worst (for the lin kueis in particular) environment with lots of unadressed trauma, I also dont like when theyre written as TOO openly romantic, these four men are aaall about repression of feelings (hanzo a little less so) so it'd all be about the subtle, little things. and pining for ages.

[sugar-omi]

good morning im back with more morning brain worms dsflkj

so when i woke up i saw this post (https://www.tumblr.com/jadedanddark/724879929374851072) and it made me think of demon!cove in the scenarios other anons have come up with where cove became a demon after things like mc was killed like in that crash. in particular i think one was talking about the other day and how cove after becoming a demon, just searches multiple alternate realities or sunset birds where mc is alive and i just thought about how mc might feel about it, knowing that their death truly was what pushed cove over the edge so to speak.

mc is still the same effectively - other than dying in that alternate life/timeline, they are living out their life mostly normally in this life, albeit potentially without cove (if by becoming a demon hes kind of...effectively erased his potential to exist as a human in other lives or something? not sure how it would work exactly lmao but i imagine that in giving up ones humanity they lose the ability for their soul to be reborn, to exist as a human again)

mc has to wonder after learning about what it was that pushed cove to becoming a demon, to losing his humanity, was all of this worth it? they dont know if cove feels any loss of his sense of self, if perhaps he is numb to it or has simply lost awareness, or...maybe he just simply doesnt have the capacity to care after what he has been through in his last life. mc doesnt know, isnt certain either way, but its hard to not feel some sense of loss for cove in a way - he gave up so much just to see them again and yet they didnt get to have him in their life up to this point, they dont know the person cove used to be, and while they may still love him or feel some inexplicable connection to him that they dont quite understand, its hard to accept that someone gave up their humanity, gave up their chance to ever exist as a human again, just so they could see them again

(also im sleepy so sorry if theres any weird or confusing wording, i can try again if there is sdflkjsd) - 🕐

*link

I LOVE THIS SO SO MUCH

also i wanna say smth based off these comments too.

imagine mc is so distraught by cove's death, that they trade many things, including a bit of their life span for cove. but in turn of him becoming a demon, his soul will never reincarnate and any other alternate life where he exists will die.

maybe even mc's soul can't reincarnate either since this is dark magic, even if demon!cove tries to save them somehow, mc is damned and their time is limited...

or like you were saying!! mc telling cove, even if they do or don't love him in this life, and while caressing his face you say to him "i', sure your MC was, and is, so lucky to be loved by you. they wouldn't have wanted you to give up your humanity for them." / "i'm so lucky to be loved by you in very life, but you never should've gave up your humanity for me. i would always come back to you, even if its not in this or next life time, i'm always yours."

or demon!cove crying and holding your face and hand, kneeling in front of you. "i love you so much..." "i wish you didn't..."

[hannahlovesluca]

So i heard about u doing nijisanji matchups so why not :DD

Nijisanji male matchup pretty plz w cherry on top

Gender:Gender is nothing but a social conCepttTttt(jk cis female but there were times ppl mistook me as a guy once LMAO)

Pronouns:I don't have any in particular,i don't mind any of them as long as its not they/them

Sexuality:....i..don't know actually.Like.Women.But Men.But women.i'll just say bisexual..

Zodiac:Aquarius

Appearance:Shoulder length black hair,i'm kiiinda tall?Im taller than most of my friends.Black fox-like(i think thats what they call them??) Eyes,and i wear literally anything.Like imagine someone in a black turtleneck and some random ass floral button up shirt with the most obnoxious pants ever(for clarification this isnt my attempt at getting in r/builtdifferentfromothergirls i just get cold easily).Oh and im as blind as a bat without my glasses,i only put them on when i wanna put myself in the attractiveness scale for shits and giggles sometimes i wear random jackets i find in my room like that one hot pink jacket i covered in the bee movie stickers for some reason

Mbti:Entp

Idk my ennagram sorry :((

Personality:im pretty laid-back but based on sources(aka my mutuals) i am the embodiment of a living cockroach because of me almost dying like 5 times(vibe checked by god 5 times and he did NOT approve of me...like mf be frfr) i procastinate until like a day before the deadline cause i only work with pressure cause my brains just built like that(rushing calculus my beloved) I LOVE MATHS SO MUCH U CANT IMAGINE(and the cries of my discord besties cause the moment they go back on vc they see the discord whiteboard filled with god knows what) and im preeeeetty confident in myself unless someone genuinely compliments me,if that happens im just gonna disintegrate into dust

Likes:that one meme where the green guy from avengers goes "why is galora",yugioh,jumping into my friends random vc comedically 4 shits and giggles,resident evil,taking care of everyone(and not taking care of myself cause im a self aware hypocrite),DEBATES I LOVE THEM SM THEY GIVE ME SO MUCH ADRENALINE

Dislikes:when someone gets into my persona space toooooo much.oh and the fact that u can divide 91 by 7.literally unreal.and thunder??dunno it sets uncomfy in me i probably offended zeus in my past life or smth

Love language:

I dont know what that is....i mean like,id send whoever i get random memes i found at 3 am,shower thoughts??and hugs??and cuddles??and giving them reassuring words??does that count?

Extra:im bilingual(swedish,russian,korean,german) so i can make ppl say what seems like romantic words when its a deez nuts joke this is a flex btw.i pace around tasks pretty fast,sometimes im too lazy to get up sometimes i go around doing literally everything at once

Im sorry if this is confusing to u this is my first time doing this :((

i pair you with…

Ver Vermillion!

hear me out…

• you guys will absolutely nerd out over yugioh and will probably end up playfully arguing and malding over the other (i dont know much ab yugioh im sorry 💔💔)

• if you let him nerd out to you and rant to you about the most random things he will immediately fall in love

•likewise if you nerd out/rant to him he will fall in love bc the fact that you confide in him???

• similar to shu yaminerd, he is a huge nerd but hes better at hiding it

• call him a dork. he says he hates it but he loves it.

• YOU GUYS WILL HAVE MEME BATTLES.

• youll sit in discord vc, no sound except the little giggles erupting out while you read each others memes and random messages that you just keep on sending

• will randomly whip out the “why is galora” meme to make you laugh out loud in vc with others, on stream, etc even in public

• god, he loves your hair

• your cuddles up in his arms, half-asleep, and hes running his hands thru your hair AHHH

• will also send you hot-takes out of nowhere so you guys can debate on it solely because he knows how much you love it

• “banana pizza is good.”

• “soggy socks feel nice.”

• will also throw you random compliments because he knows its the only thing that will get you

• “are you a hot mom because damn mama you hot.”

• will assist you in sending deez nuts jokes to your friends in korean

• “내 불알을 빨아.”

RUNNERS UP: Shu Yamino, Doppio Dropscythe

[hua-fei-hua]

tag game from @cadriona~~ 15 questions for 15 mutuals

1. are you named after anyone? uhhh my middle name comes from like, One of my white ancestors, though i don't remember the exact tracing of the bloodline rn

2. when was the last time you cried? honestly not sure, but i feel like it was not terribly long ago. less than a month ago, i think; i can be a crybaby sometimes

3. do you have kids? legally no; biologically also no; but emotionally? the number is fathomless.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot? i don't feel like i'm a terribly sarcastic person, but many other people disagree. just today one of the kids at work asked me why i use sarcasm a lot! i think at this point my habit of "saying ridiculous things with full sincerity and then expecting people to understand that its sheer absurdity means it's a joke (but still actually doing said ridiculous thing if people call it a bluff)" is just hard for people to parse in general, but since i just roll with whatever they think i'm being, it's not a big deal.

5. what sports do you play/have played? this question is so funny bc recently i've been joking that i'm the only non-jock at my workplace, but my coworker in aquatics tried to rope me into lifeguarding for the summer when he found out i could swim, and i did marching band in high school. oh, and i took a fencing course in uni before plague.

6. what's the first thing you notice about people? their jacket, then their hair. if you change both of these things at once i might have trouble recognizing you.

7. eye color? brown. you know how dominant genes are.

8. scary movies or happy endings? for the most part happy endings, but if you're too saccharine about the beginning and middle then i'm going to wish you gave me a scary movie instead.

9. any special talents? i can do calligraphy with italic / oblique pen tips (think gothic blackletter, even tho gothic is probably one of my shittiest hands); i can burp at will still; i can touch type at around 92 wpm (certified)

10. where were you born? in a hospital <3

11. what are your hobbies? good lord that's a doozy these days. regularly i read n write fic (obviously), play genshin (still), study fandom (specifically the weeb sphere and its history), and code my shrine of cringe neocities. (and also sometimes stream any one of these things to friends) irregularly i watch youtube, keep a diary, read manga n watch anime, press flowers, do calligraphy, scanlate manga, typeset n bookbind fic (physically restrained by everyone from buying $500 worth of fonts bc Literally no one understands my font disease except other typesetters) mostly, but i have god knows how many other dormant hobbies (arranging music, editing fonts, edit videos, etc.) hiding in the cracks that i should probably just put on a resume by this point. you know how it is with adhd.

12. do you have any pets? not anymore, unless you count [pet] projects, in which case yes, the spreadsheet project abt fandom migrations in particular

13. how tall are you? abt 5'6", more specifically 166.4 cm.

14. favorite subject in school? chemistry, though i english/literature was a close second, and math (aside from geometry and statistics) is still beloved.

15. dream job? someday i'm gonna teach chemistry to a bunch of high school idiots, and i'm gonna love them all so fucking much, and i'm gonna be so fucking happy that i'm still alive.

tagging (if you want!!) @stardust-make-a-wish @reach-4-thesky @cece-0708 @yongnep @kanonavi @krackerka @isnt-it-pretty @yume-fanfare @aranarumei @italiantea and now staring at my mutuals list i have started to lose my nerve so i'll leave it at ten LOL but if you wanna do it too you can just say i tagged you ( •̀ ω •́ )y

[lesbovalentine]

i know i was just saying like yesterday how obviously konoha and saeru r foils and this is why konoha effectively dies; one snake gives his life to save someone, stopping the other snake in the process after that other snake spent centuries and innumerable timelines of shedding blood to ensure his own immortality.

BUT i also said the kingdom hearts fan in me revolts at the idea that konoha has to give up his existence after only getting about two years on earth, years in which he formed his own identity, made friends, etc. so as much as i love haruka i have been thinking about kagepro good ending which konoha keeps the body instead. you could take most of his power from him perhaps to justify his extended existence - no more superhuman strength, because there’s nothing special he needs to protect his friends from anymore. make him human, make him disabled even because that’s what happens when haruka takes the body back anyways. it’d be perhaps more bittersweet. haruka has more close friends than konoha did, takane in particular gets her heart broken a little every new timeline where she has to meet konoha for the first time and see haruka’s face with no recognition behind its eyes.

but haruka was never going to make it out of high school alive anyways, if you wanna think about it that way. his death remains a tragedy but isnt also sad to take the possibility of a life away from konoha. have i simply watched too much kingdom hearts. am i too much of a xion roxas and namine fan. maybe so. but wouldn’t it be very fun to watch konoha carve his own weird little niche in the world and live on and watch harukas old dear friends reconcile with the fact that haruka may still be gone but here is a life he actively created; his literal actual oc he drew and designed made flesh, born from a wish haruka made. just don’t ask me how haruka stays dead and konoha sticks around because i’m trying to envision how that decision would be made and it’s difficult. haruka’s fear of death may override his sweetness, tbh. but he’s been dead two years. maybe that would change things. u know ?

[donnerpartyofone]

man i hope this isnt weird and i know its a little weird but ive followed you for a while and feel a deep kindred spirit with you. i know its only parasocial and we arent mutuals so its all good but like some of the things you post resonate with me so deeply and you articulate things abt yourself that i also feel abt my self but you articulate them better than i ever could. also we have very similar hair but i usually weird mine buzzed but when it grows out it looks a lot like yours and you rock it in ways i never feel confident enough to do. idk i just saw your post abt being a bad person but not in the ways ppl think you are and thats like something i think to myself all the time like i wish ppl who think im good knew i was bad and ppl who think im bad knew how wrong they were abt the ways im bad. and things youve posted abt being a stupid person and having ppl be like "youre not" resonate too bcuz its like im painfully PAINfully aware of my own stupidity and bumbling thru like but my loved ones dont want me to think that way or acknowledge it but i think there is something truly liberating in knowing i am inherently dumb in a lot of ways and to a lot of things and i have to work harder to live a good life bcuz of it. idk. im doing a bad job of explaining myself here. but anyways. i just wanna say thanks for putting your thoughts on this website for me to follow and keep doing you, bcuz youre doing it great.

Well I hope it's not weird for me to post this, I suppose it is anonymous after all; it feels kind of private to me but also I am also having a freakishly difficult couple of weeks and it was meaningful to hear someone say "I know what you're talking about." (I think you are speaking very clearly btw) I feel like a lot of the rhetoric society uses to address people who have depression is devised by people who don't suffer from it, like there's a lot of language about how "you're not alone" and a lot of idealizing talk about how great the self-denigrating sufferer appears to others, and that's nice and all but it kind of dismisses the individual's own personal experience of themselves. A person is more complex than their need for extra hugs or attention or something, and a person's perception of themselves/experience of having to be with themselves is not contingent on the perceptions of others even if the external impressions are positive. I don't know, I hate to shit on supportive behaviors but a lot of them are basically dismissive of a person's status as the de facto expert on themselves; I don't really think it's ultimately helpful to make people feel like they don't know what they're talking about, about their own selves. It can be maddening actually, and idealizing talk in particular has a way of suggesting that things have to be great for them to be at all acceptable. Which is really oppressive to tell the truth.

Interlude: In grade school my best friend's class had to do this exercise where they made acronyms of of their first names using various personal qualities, and the teachers gave her shit because for the letter A she used Adequate, and they thought this was, like...bad and had to be corrected.

Anyway I have always written very obsessively and I think it's related to wanting to be understood. Which is not the same thing as wanting to be appreciated, or wanting to feel not-alone. I think I just want someone to say they know what I'm talking about, instead of telling flattering lies or suggesting that something is wrong to say or dismissable just because it seems negative or painful. As if discomfort is automatically invalidating. Someone asked me recently if I journal and I laughed because I've done it all my life, and also because I actually have a SACK of journals under my bed, one regular one, one for dreams, one that's about my dysfunctional relationship with money and materials, etc. And then there's my various blogs of course. I have a couple of semi-pro writing projects going too that I hope I get to announce soon. But it's really all about just the fantasy of articulating something so carefully, preferably in ink (or "ink"), that no one can possibly pretend that they don't know what I'm talking about ever again.

It's funny that we wear our hair the same. I used to wear it half-shaved but my hair grows so fast, it gave me a lot of anxiety. But on that note I must say that whatever pictures of me you see are like 1/1000, I find it very hard to take a picture I'm satisfied with and I often just wind up feeling embarrassed, but ultimately I think I'm just trying to fix some positive mental image of myself even though I know we're all different people at different hours of each day. I dunno. Actually it becomes problematic because a couple of people are always telling me how "photogenic" I am and then I'm like WHY DID IT TAKE ME THREE HOURS TO GET THIS ONE SHOT THEN, and they refuse to believe me when I explain how many pictures I throw out. They think they're doing me a big favor by pretending everything is effortless for me. I have especial problems with my hair, probably every picture you see of me was anxiously snapped at some exact moment when it was behaving! So don't worry, I'm having a really hard time with my appearance basically always. Pictures other people take of me are mortifying, and I'm always like FUCK, that's what they think is a good, representative photo of me? Uh oh. Pictures I take of myself are usually taken in an emergency in fleeting, ephemeral moments where I suddenly look ok to myself.

This morning I went to the church where I've been going since February, a beautiful place full of eccentric older people I have fallen a little in love with. Sometimes I'm tempted to actually convert to Catholicism, like maybe that would be the gothest thing I could do, but I know that I will always believe in abortion and the right to suicide and I'm not too sure about hell or the historical Jesus or papal authority. I just really like it in this specific church. This morning one of the oldest ladies who goes on the weekdays like me introduced herself, she was very sweet and she was wearing hoops that were styled like chains, I don't think she realized they were bad bitch earrings, they just looked nice on her. She said it was nice to see "young people" getting involved with the church, and I wanted to tell her I turned 42 last week, but I might still be the youngest person there! When I met some of the other folks last month they told my husband that he looked like Geraldo Rivera, and then remarked that they thought we were too young to be aware of Geraldo. I told them we're old enough, we're just packed in our own oil. Anyway this is my big excuse to post selfies I was struggling with, I feel more conflicted about them these days, but I guess I'm still compelled. Thanks so much for your understanding, and have a good night!