#again i feel bad about it morally but i would also feel bad sharing something that turned out to be a scam as that has happened before

[wistericallhystericall]

i need more writer!reader x serial killer!theo 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

im on my knees with my diary where i have planned out a murder mystery and it also has ideas on how to hide a body and erase evidence

i absolutely adore serial killer!theo. and i also absolutely adore this prompt as well. it's so so so interesting! i would love to write that murder mystery whenever you get done with it (and i wish you luck and good times writing it <3 i konw writing long stories is horriddd to do sometimes, but you can do it!)

maroon red journal | theodore nott

theodore nott | crack treated seriously | wc: 1775

summary: even more of writer!reader dating serial killer!theodore nott warnings: kinda references murder and torture, nothing really explicit more than that (if it helps, all the people theodore kills are evil evil death eaters so it's more so just vigilante shit); also reader knows about theo's hobby in this one and supports him completely (couple goals)

“My love,” Theodore called out to you from the kitchen, walking into your shared bedroom with a maroon red journal in his hands. “What is this?”

You looked up from your laptop to the journal that Theo was holding. “One of my writing journals?” you murmured confusedly—eyes glancing at the bookmark brand that you only used for your writing journals. There was also a color-coded system to them too, with lighter colors representing lighter topics.

“There’s quite a bit of research in here.” he murmured with a soft and quiet chuckle, sitting down on the bed with the closed journal in hand. “Are you positive that I’m the only killer here?”

You giggled softly and put your computer to the side, scooting closer to Theo as he flipped through the red notebook in his hand. Inside was a mix between words, diagrams—both printed and drawn—and random notes from different methods inside. There was a system of notes between getting rid of evidence as well, pictures of ways to dispose of bodies and rating each method. “It’s just a notebook.”

“You’re not—” he murmured quietly. “Do you want to kill people?” 

You chuckled to him. “No, no I don’t.” you said, resting your head on his shoulder as he looked through the different methods. “I just need it for writing, that’s all.”

“You’re sure?” he asked you quietly.

“Yes, love.” You laughed and nodded again. “Why are you asking?”

Theo looked over at you with a small frown on his expression—gripping onto the notebook in his hands with an expression on his face you couldn’t quite read. “I don’t know, just something.”

“What’re you feeling?” you asked him.

He shrugged quietly. “I just feel like I might be corrupting you, I guess.” he murmured quietly, looking over at you and kissing your forehead. “I don’t want you to go down the path that I have. Even if the people I kill are bad people, it’s not—”

“You’re forgetting about the fact that I’ve written about this stuff before we met. Your actions are never going to be perfect, or even close to moral—” you chuckled quietly, kissing his cheek lovingly. “But I’ve got my own dark side as well.”

Theodore chuckled and rolled his eyes playfully. “I suppose.”

“I thought you would be impressed with my work.” you murmured with a soft pout, wrapping yourself around him. “Some of them are inspired by you.”

He looked over at you with a raised eyebrow. “What?”

“You know, the dissecting one?” you chuckled quietly to Theo, flipping to one of the more brutally drawn pages inside of the notebooks. “They’re inspired by you.”

He looked at you for a moment before chuckling—putting the notebook down on the bed before pulling you into a hug. “You’re—” he whispered quietly to you, his lips meeting with your neck and collarbone. “You are absolutely amazing. The best thing that's ever happened to me.”

You giggled softly as his lips tickled your skin, your arms wrapping around him. “You’re so silly.” 

“And I love you.” he murmured quietly. He sat up just a bit straighter and looked into your eyes—eyes that were piercing and usually cold as ice melting the moment that they landed on you. “I love you.”

You smiled softly and leaned into a soft kiss. “I love you too.”

“How is your writing going?” he asked quietly, watching as you grabbed your laptop again and began to explain your new plot.

“It’s going great!” you smiled brightly. “The detective is finally putting together the clues—I’m adding a dramatic red string scene—and I think that he’s going to confuse the killer for a moment before eventually catching on. They’re reviewing a strangulation case right now though.” you explained.

“You spelt ‘strangled’ wrong there.” he chuckled quietly.

You gasped dramatically at that. 

“Surprise!”

You looked up from the plastic and paper bags in your hand as you walked into the kitchen, heels clicking against the tile floor that you and Theo had redone just a couple of weeks ago. It was a beautiful red and white sequence that matched the aesthetic of a bistro that you two visited often—one that you found rather easy to write inside of. “Surprise?”

“Surprise.” Theo smiled brightly. His hands were holding up a bottle of red wine, two plates of steak and sides resting on the dining room table. 

You raised an eyebrow curiously as you placed the bag down on the counter, taking off your scarf and placing it on the jacket rack. “Surprise for what?”

“I have a celebration to announce.” he chuckled to you, making jazz hands to the plates of food. “So I made some steak to celebrate.”

You smiled softly at that, taking his stolen jacket off to hang and walking to the dining table. “Well I’m glad that we’re celebrating whatever it is that we’re celebrating.” you chuckled lightly to him. 

He poured you a glass of wine and poured himself a glass after, the two of you discussing your day from start to finish. You had gotten through most of your chores for the day—a small meeting with your publisher, an editing session with your friends, shopping for groceries, and some other small errands. Theo had mostly done some spring cleaning around the house, preparing the master bathroom’s shower for a retiling. He had finally found some dark green tiles that he loved, which he was preparing to put inside of the bathroom tomorrow. 

“So—” you started calmly. “What are we celebrating again?”

Theo chuckled quietly at that, taking a sip of his wine as his eyes met yours over the rim.  “I haven’t killed anyone in months,” he said to you. 

You gasped out at that. “That’s great!” you smiled brightly, cheersing his glass.

“But I did plot six murders this month.” he murmured to you with a slightly deprecating chuckle, looking down at his mostly-finished steak with a sigh. “So maybe it’s not as impressive.” 

You giggled softly at that—pushing your finished plate to the side and sifting through your purse to find a binder full of book pages. “Well I plotted seven.” you said to him, opening the binder and pushing the printed pages towards him. “Voilà!”

Theo chuckled as you both moved to sit on the dining table’s bench, reading through the manuscript together and correcting things where they didn’t make sense. 

“Theo, where did you put my manuscript?” you called out.

Your manuscript’s due date was just a couple hours away from now—your editor calling for an emergency meeting to run through your manuscript based on a new date that your publisher had set in stone. Said manuscript had been missing for a couple of days now, something that you were only just now noticing as you tried to look for the binder.

Your feet eventually carried you over to your office, the state of it in a complete disarray with pages thrown across every single surface that one could find. Taped onto the wall, stacks upon stacks piling on your desk, with notepads and smushed papers thrown into trash bin after trash bin. On the top of every single stack was your manuscript, the binder lying peacefully on top of everything with a small sticky note laying down on top of the plastic cover. 

You chuckled quietly as you flipped through the manuscript, looking through the notes that you knew would be inside each page. 

‘Chapter 4: unrealistic disposal timeline.’ was something that you rolled your eyes at, knowing that the issue did not lie with the timeline as much as it laid with Theo’s ego. Your mind flashed through the conversation that had happened just a week ago, with Theo stating that he could finish the murder in half the time that the killer had. 

He had failed to acknowledge this was the killer’s first time killing, but that was okay.

‘Chapter 7: love scene needs more tension.’ was something that caught your eye—your eyes running through the pages to figure out whether Theo was right or not. While the tension was well spaced out, there were places that could have a bit more impact to them. You highlighted those areas with a red pen.

‘Chapter 12: i don’t like luke.’ was something that you chuckled at, a soft scoff escaping your throat as you read that comment. Theo had never liked your character Luke, despite the fact you could never kill him off because of how important he was to the plot. At the end Theo had written a small note, a small address written at the bottom that you would be making your way over to after your meeting. 

You made your way to the meeting after that—scarf wrapped around your neck as your editor ran through the manuscript with you. You had to hold back a chuckle as she read through the small notes that Theo had made, hiding your smile behind your hand as she looked up at you with a slightly concerned look.

“He’s just a true crime fanatic.” you smiled at her.

The two of you continued through the meeting a bit calmer after that—though you could tell that her eyes were resting on you rather seriously. The manuscript was edited rather thoroughly, most of it cleaned up except for the parts that you needed to fix for accuracy's sake. 

Your feet carried you to the restaurant after you editor left to head back to the office, heels clicking on concrete and ceramic tile as you slowly made your way over to Theodore’s table. He had a bottle of wine in his hands, as he usually did, a bottle of red that the both of you quite enjoyed. 

“You cleaned up my outline,” you said to him as you walked up behind him, wrapping your arms around his neck for a hug before sitting down across from him. 

“And your fingerprints.” he said, pointing his fork at you. “I told you no touching.”

You rolled your eyes playfully before sighing, looking down at the menu in front of you. “You know that my editor is concerned?” you explained—leaning forward just a bit. “She thinks that you're a killer.”

Theo chuckled dryly at that. “How dare she.”

“You cleaned up my fingerprints?” you asked him curiously, eyes glancing over at his as he nibbled on the small fork in his hands. “That sounds oddly romantic.”

“Acts of service,” he shrugged simply.

You giggled at that, poking the hand that rested on the table. “Should I be worried?”

“Only if you stop writing.” he said to you seriously—though the smile on his face told you that he was anything but. “I love your writing, you know that?”

“I know.” you smiled softly.

thank you so much for reading! again, i absolutely adored this prompt and had to immediately write something on it! i think that i'm going to continue this series still, it is genuinely so fun to write, if you want to read the first and second part, you can click here and here, and if you want more fluffy content as well, you can check out my main writing blog over here <3

© wistericall 2025. do not copy, translate or claim any of my works as your own. reblogs + comments are so very appreciated! have a lovely day, love!

[haarute]

it's amazing how almost all of my friendships (and by almost all i mean Every save like three) are ruined by my own self essentially swerving into a wall and crashing on purpose due to my inability to believe my company could ever be even slightly desirable to anyone and i'd rather just burn it all and die than see myself as someone who intrudes and abuses people's kindness out of my own selfish desire to want companionship.

[rosesradio]

i wish i could set my inbox to only get asks from people following me…

[petew21-blog]

Siblings rivalry

Lyle was nervously grasping the wheel, side eyeing the man next to him while driving: „Could you, please, put some shirt on?”

“Why? Is it distracting you? It’s just a body, Lyle, and you’re not a faggot. Shouldn’t bother you. Am I right?” the shirtless man sitting on the passenger’s seat responded with a smirk and subtle disdain in his voice.

“Of course I’m not… It’s because of the sweat. The car is borrowed and I don’t want to clean it.” Lyle quickly responded and tried to change the subject

“The car is an old piece of shit. We’ll be lucky if we even make it to the beach in time.”

The engine started making weird noises and the car slowed down. “See, told you.”

Lyle stormed out of the car and screamed:”Can you shut the fuck up already?! I can’t take this anymore. I want my girlfriend back.”

“I didn’t choose this either. And I still am your girlfriend!”

Lyle's girlfriend Nicole has a twin brother, Nicholas. Their family is one of the most weirdest ones you’ll ever meet in your entire life. And Lyle had the pleasure, or maybe misfortune, to find out the hard way. They got their hands on some magical shrooms or something. Some made you see the future, some gave you a really great time and there were also ones that swapped your body. Trippy right? Yeah… Naturally the parents used it for orgies and other experimenting.

But occasionally they used it as a method of punishment. Nicole told Lyle, that she had to be her mum for two weeks last summer, just because she lied about her school results. Lyle didn’t believe the whole swap thing until the parents found out that Nicholas and Nicole didn’t share the same morals about feminism and male value. Nicole was obviously a feminist, but she was belittling her brother. On the other hand, her brother didn’t even stop to consider how different a life is for a woman. The whole family had an argument about this and the parents decided to swap Nicole and Nicholas for the ENTIRE summer before university. Yep, insane.

Nicole responded to her body quite well to be honest. She was in a male body before, but never in her brother’s. Them being twins might have helped a bit. Nicholas is an attractive male, so Nicole had it quite easy. He has a great physique, handsome face and generally is a great guy. Lyle and Nicholas often joked together about women, watch football or play videogames together. But having his girlfriend in his body? Way different for Lyle.

Lyle caught her staring at herself many times. She seemed completely unphased, maybe even excited to be in male body now. Which can’t be said for me. Sex was obviously a no go. Lyle didn’t even want to touch her without feeling like a fag. But Lyle knew something bad was about to happen sooner or later. Maybe this would be a test for their relationship. Maybe it will uncover that he is a superficial asshole and that he love her only for her body.

She keeps staring at Lyle sometimes and tried to even seduce him, but he just can’t like this. Not while she is in Nicholas’s body.

Which brings us back to the present, currently on the coast far from the beach party where we were supposed to be hours ago. Unfortunately, Lyle had to borrow his grandparent’s car and it just broke down. Nicole smiled after being right again and seeing me snap.

She had her shirt off and leaned against the hood of the car. “So what now Sherlock?”

Lyle: „I don’t know. We’re in the middle of nowhere. And the cur is busted.”

Nicole: ”Jesus, Lyle. Be a man and call Jake. He can at least come get us.”

Lyle nervously nodded and took out the phone. He went behind the car and waited for someone to answer. Meanwhile Nicole moved from the front and went to the back of the car, adjusting herself for Lyle.

Lyle finished the call and before he looked up he said: „They’re all drunk already, so Daniel is going to wait a bit before he’s sober and will come get us.”

Nicole: „Good. More time for us to have fun” Lyle looked up and saw Nicole in her shorts, slowly lowering them.

Lyle quickly turned around. “Jesus fuck, what are you doing? What if someone sees you?”

Nicole:”Who? You mean the nearest guy miles away from us? Yeah, right. I wanna get Nicholas a good tan for the summer. We agreed to treat each other’s body properly.”

Lyle knew Nicole had different intentions, but he wouldn’t succumb to her. He isn’t gay for fuck’s sake.

Nicole took the folding chair they had in their trunk and positioned herself in front of the car, enjoying the sun.

Nicole: „When was the last time that the two of us had some proper free time to just stop? Did we ever? Feels like the first time. Maybe we should use it properly.”

Lyle: „What are you suggesting?”

Nicole: „I think we should fuck. You haven’t touched me in weeks.”

Lyle: „Because you are a man now!!! And your brother, Jesus fuck.”

Nicole:”Cut the crap, Lyle. Do. You. Love. Me?”

Lyle:”… I… of course I love you.”

Nicole: „Do you love me for me, or my body?”

Lyle: „I… I love YOU.”

Nicole: „So come and prove it.” Her daring voice made Lyle feel uneasy. But he felt as if something was pulling him towards Nicole, towards Nicholas.

Nicole got up, uncovering her hairy manhood. This was the first time that Lyle looked at it. It wasn’t hard, but even now it was still pretty impressive. Nicole headed to the car, going past Lyle and whispering in his ear: „I haven’t sucked your dick in weeks. I need to have your dick as much as you want me.”

Lyle looked as Nicole laid down on the car seats, waiting for Lyle to make his move. Her dick was getting hard and getting bigger. Maybe even bigger than his own. Lyle couldn’t keep his eyes off of that thing.

Nicole spoke up: „Lyle, I need you. I need your dick!”

Lyle’s dick was hard as well. He felt himself throwing his clothes off as if he was just a passenger. He thought about Nicole giving him that great blow job of hers once again. He could see in his memory, his dick disappearing in her mouth.

He got close to Nicole, lowering himself on top of her, HIM. And was ready to push his dick closer to her, but he was so horny, that he didn’t even realize that he was now the one holding HER dick in his hands. Jerking it furiously. Lick it from top to base. Swallowing it fully. He didn’t even realize he didn’t have much trouble swallowing her cum. Even after SHE pushed HER dick in his ass, he didn’t find it that weird.

They laid on top of each other, breathing out loud, enjoying each other’s company, making out. Nicole gave Lyle a sign that she need to go out and piss. Lyle stayed in the car, still struck for what just happened. Nicole’s phone vibrated. Lyle thought that maybe someone was ready to pick them up, but instead it was Nicole’s friend Stacy texting her. The text said: „Hey, Stacy. Thanks again for swapping with me. I really needed to be fucked and not as a man, haha. Hope you’re enjoying it. Luv U”

Lyle:”What. The. Fuck?!”

[glitteryinknotes]

There is a level of deep, bitterly poetic and cruel irony in Astarion's death and his eventual fate as a vampire spawn. Laughable, even. Lamentable.

Where do I even begin. I once posted here my thoughts on who Astarion was before Cazador took him; and all my thoughts were based on what we can assume to be canon from scraps on information in - game and interviews with Neil. That Astarion Ancunin who was laid into the ground at Baldur's Gate cementary was a corrupt magistrate, a shining example of power abuse, indulgence, hedony, existence in privilege without any service to the world around.

We also know for a fact that Astarion is not a good person in a moral sense. Again, Neil Newbon himself talked about it. He has capability to grow, mature, open himself up, soak in the positive influence and feel for others, but he never will be the default upstanding type. That is simply not at his core.

This is why (I am aware we're talking a fictional character, headcanon is free to all in whichever way they think it suits and pleases them) I cannot for the world believe in all the fanfiction based on the notion of the tragic, tortured soul unjustly attacked and turned into a vampire, because to me - it misses the entire depth and essence of Astarion's personality and arc. He was not a "worthy" persona before Cazador; in fact, the beating he got from the Gur was well - deserved and the near - death experience... Probably so as well. Maybe if anything, this would open his eyes and force him to reflect at least a bit on his choices in the position he was occupying. (But given that he mentions begging Cazador to turn him to be able to take revenge, I highly doubt that.) So yeah... The man got what was coming to him. He deserved it.

But what he got in the end once Cazador allowed him to drink his blood and had him in his hold? Two hundred years of misery and abuse beyond description, being completely stripped of any identity and personhood? No one deserves that. Such fate should not be thrust upon anyone. Ever.

It is the cruellest, most wicked twist of fate that it took that kind of ordeal to change a corrupt little elf's view of the world and force him to even acknowledge the existence of evil deeds and abuse of power - something I am quite sure he never gave any thought to before. It took being transformed into an utterly helpless victim to make him truly see that there is good and bad and perpetuating the bad leads to pain and misery for the innocents (and you can never be sure if not for you as well), and only then, at his most pathetic, most vulnerable, after centuries of torment, it took meeting, trusting, admiring, being grateful to, befriending / loving and being influenced by a genuinely good and kind person (probably the exact opposite of who he was before) to shake and cause some shift in his inner moral compass, or rather the way he was choosing to use it. The full circle, a poignant, unwilling journey from the one abusing power, to the enslaved puppet of someone with considerably more power abusing it in the most inhuman ways possible, and this time to his own woe, to the one person able to break the abusive cycle given the right influence.

Isn't that simply poetic in the most sickly sense? A tragicomedy, if you will.

Forget about Astarion Ancunin. The grave was good for lovemaking and sharing an important moment, but whoever was laid there was not anyone worthy of your time (just like "Ascended Astarion" )The one who stands by your side now is. Your Astarion. The new Astarion, the same "lovable rogue" with a taste for theatrics, drama, debauchery, beauty, murder mayhem and loose morality, but - a better person all the same.

[follow up post here

https://www.tumblr.com/glitteryinknotes/733162725841289216/a-little-follow-up-to-my-previous-post?source=share]

[theancientfootsteps]

someone on Discord brought up Romans 1:26-27 and activated my autistic avatar state and I ended up writing a little essay that's basically a summary of the argument Daniel A. Helminiak makes that Romans 1:26-27 is not a condemnation of homosexuality or homosexual acts in his book What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality

and I thought I'd share it here in case someone else is interested

it basically covers 3 main points:

1. what does Paul mean by things being natural or unnatural? 2. the distinction between impurity/uncleanness, and evil/sin. 3. the purpose and rhetorical structure of Paul's letter to the Romans.

keep in mind I am by no means an expert, this is just my summary of Helminiak's argument, which I happen to find very convincing. there's a lot of details and corroborating evidence left out here, if you want the full thing, I can recommend the book! I enjoyed reading it, and it also has interesting things to say about other 'clobber passages'

essay under the cut!

1. Unnatural, or contrary to nature?

So first, what does Paul mean when he calls things natural or unnatural? When we read these words nowadays, there is usually a strong moral value attached to them. When people call things 'unnatural', it means they violate some important law of nature, they are abhorrent and wrong and bad. There is, however, a lot of evidence that this is NOT how Paul uses the term (the Greek here being "para physin"). This is a term he uses many times in multiple letters, simply to mean that someone is doing something beyond what one would usually expect. It clearly has no inherent moral value to him, because he even says there are things God does that are "para physin"! So instead of 'unnatural and abhorrent and bad', we should read it more like: "contrary to her nature, Judy was super chipper this morning! she usually isn't a morning person", or "James is always so kind, but contrary to his nature, this morning he just snapped at me". In this case, by calling these acts "para physin", he is probably saying that these people are doing things that are against social norms and expectations, and/or that they are doing things that don't fit with their usual behavior.

2. Uncleanness vs sin

Second, we have the distinction between things being ritually unclean, and things being evil/sinful. Helminiak goes deep into the intricacies of Jewish law to support this point, but I'll just jump straight to the conclusion, and recommend that you read his book if you feel it needs more justification. Basically, the core is as follows:

- There are things that are considered evil, sinful, bad, morally wrong, for example murder, selfishness, exploitation of others, etc. - There are also things that are considered unclean, but not morally wrong. This is a lot of what is described in Leviticus, for example, and Helminiak uses this same distinction to clear up the infamous clobber passage from Leviticus about men lying with men. Now, these purity laws in the Pentateuch are not unimportant - when they were made, they were extremely important to the Jewish people to set them apart from others. These are the 'holy' laws after all, in the original Hebrew sense of the word meaning things that are different, set apart. They were extremely important for the formation and protection of the Jewish identity. - In many places in both Paul's writings and others' writings in the New Testament, it is made clear that this second set of laws, I'll call them purity laws, do not need to apply to gentile converts. Essentially, they are still highly respected as Jewish law, but they are not carried over to any non-Jewish people who follow Jesus because, once again, these are about the Jewish people and the Jewish identity.

This gives us a distinction between impurity (relevant specifically to Jewish people), and sin/evil (relevant to everyone). According to Helminiak, this distinction was also already accepted by Jewish people at the time, to be clear, so this is not something imposed in hindsight.

Paul uses this distinction in Romans 1. Verses 21-32 have the following structure: 21-25: These people worship idols instead of God! There are consequences to this.

26-27: They do things that are ritually impure/unclean, and also are socially unacceptable and frowned upon. They suffer public shame as a consequence.

28-31: Additionally, they do things that are evil/sinful, and for that, they deserve death.

So the stuff Paul says about homosexual acts, is separate from the things he condemns that are evil and sinful. There is no clear moral judgment about the homosexual acts here.

This leaves us with a question: if Romans 1:26-27 is referring to laws that are only relevant for Jewish people, and Paul is talking about non-Jewish people, why does he even bring them up??? To answer this, we have to proceed to our third major point.

3. The rhetorical structure of Paul's letter to the Romans

We have to consider in what situation Paul is writing this letter, and for what purpose. He is writing it to a congregation that is a mix of Jewish people and non-Jewish converts, and there is animosity between them. This was very common, and one of the major points of contention between these two groups of people was usually precisely the thing we just talked about: cleanness and uncleanness. For example, there was a lot of conflict around food, with the gentiles eating food considered unclean by the Jewish people, and the Jewish people being upset by that.

Paul's goal is to help them reconcile. But, Paul being Paul, he doesn't do this by saying "I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy." No, he does this by saying "why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

When we look at the rhetorical structure of the letter, we see that Paul does the following things: - Sympathize with the Jewish people to get them on his side. Because aren't these gentiles just gross and awful? - UNO REVERSE! Actually you, Jewish people, you also do things that you consider unclean, and things that you consider sinful! So stop judging - Sympathize with the gentiles to get them on his side. Because aren't these Jewish people so annoying? - UNO REVERSE! Shut up, you're no better than anyone else!

So by bringing up these unclean/impure things in 1:26-27, Paul is sympathizing with the Jewish people in the congregation to get them on his side, to get them listening to him, only so he can turn it around later.

It's like if I were trying to convince a loud conservative of something, I might do so by first sympathizing with them to get them on my side, so that then I can flip things. I could say: "Ah yes and these liberal snowflakes are so dramatic, aren't they? They are always overreacting to things, they make such a big deal out of tiny little things like which exact words you use. Right? Don't you think so? But look, see! You are no better! You also overreact and can be dramatic! Because you act like it's a huge burden to use the right pronouns for someone, like your rights are being taken away from you just because someone wants you to use they/them pronouns!"

So, now that we have examined all of this, I think it's safe to say: taken in context, these verses really aren't what they seem to be in isolation. And they are most likely not a condemnation of homosexuality or homosexual acts.

[clowns0cks]

so, I got asked what's the spymaster timeline argument and why do I argue about it so much and keep defending spymaster lol so I wrote a long ass thing that I want to share with you.

SO. there are different arguments for people I argue with

1. having the master back as evil ruins Missy's arc and they hate him

2. having the master back as evil doesn't make sense after missy but would make sense before missy

3. They just fucking hate him god knows why.

4. A mix of these

Now. I have strong opinions, and those strong opinions are that I don't have a problem with dhawan master at all. I think he simply fits in after missy in the most normal way possible. I never saw a problem with it and I find it confusing that people do. Cause?? Imagine dying, then regenerating and realising the doctor has left you alone, but fair, cause he didn't know. So you go on gallifrey, hoping he shows up. While you're there you start hacking into the matrix for fun, cause you're the master and you like having a bit of fun. You discover horrible things. The doctor is not who they think they are, the time lords are not what you thought they were and all of your species including yourself is a product of the doctor's DNA.

This places the doctor as some kind of god. The origin of the time lords. They weren't time lords before the doctor, just gallifreyans, with no real power or anything to make them important. He's simultaneously angry at the time lords for lying about their identity, and at the doctor for being the most important time lord of them all, for being THE time lord, the original. Ultimately, for being more than him.

Now. The master has a certainty during the entirety of the show. The doctor is his equal, they have opposite moralities, but they're equals. Now, the security in this statement he believed in all his life shatters. They're not equals. He is who he is only because of the doctor. Thinking back to missy, she was the regeneration that absolutely wanted the doctor to see her as equal as well. She wanted to be like the doctor cause she missed him, and felt like he was the only one like her. So she tried to be like him, she accepted to be imprisoned in a vault and basically be changed to have the same beliefs of the doctor. But she did it willingly. Cause she wanted them to be the same. Now this entire arc feels wrong to the master (dhawan) , cause now he knows he could never be like the doctor, how could he? The doctor is much more. He thinks missy was his biggest mistake, he humiliated himself to be something he could never be. He gets out of the matrix and throws a tantrum, killing everyone on the planet for having lied to him (and to the doctor). When he sees the doctor again he hates her. He hates her cause she's just there, being her usual self, while in reality she has a bigger role in everything than she could ever think. He hates her cause a part of her is in him, and that means he's less. He's lesser than her. I also remember one scene where he was like "did I ever apologise for that?" (basically killing the doctor making them fall on the ground and regenerate, lmao) And she was like "no" and him "good". I think about it often in relation to missy, cause he was definitely saying it because of her. Why any other master should have apologised for something? Only missy was apologising for stuff she did. It might be a big reach but I like to think it's about her. And he's like "good" cause he regrets being missy and trying to redeem himself, like I said before. Anyway the follow up from here is simple, he hates her and stuff, but he also feels bad not letting her know why. So then he decides to show her her story, all he can. No one should live without knowing their origins. so he shows her, and then he says he would like to show her more, but there's nothing else to show. It's the only moment in which he's doing something kind for her. Cause I believe in some way, he's also mad at the time lords for lying to the doctor. And here's part of why he decides to use their dead bodies in such an unworthy way. They have to pay not only with their life but also with their dignity, so he turns them into cybermasters.

This is also a way to cope and create his own race, to feel a little more on the doctor's level. She created the time lords, he destroyed them and created another species with their bodies. Then it's not enough and he decides that the only way to be equals is to become her. At this point he's gone completely insane, like, we see that. But it's totally understandable for him to act that way. His whole worldview changes. Everything he believed in is not true anymore. He doesn't know who he is anymore (I also just thought about this identity crisis he was having and how he stole Rasputin's identity, but this is an analysis for another day).

Anyway this got off topic cause I had to explain only the missy/dhawan thing but then started talking about dhawan in general so forgive me lol.

Other than this, if we take big finish in consideration there's the lumiat, that comes between missy and dhawan and her story really helps some people accepting the change (for some people it's still not enough though) and in the 2021 annual is confirmed that dhawan comes after missy, as we have the doctor and the master talking about the master's story from delegado to dhawan and thirteen says "I quite liked you as missy" and he replies that she spent too much time with him and it's something that should never happen again.

anyway. I've made my point on why the missy -> spymaster regeneration simply makes sense. It's just a normal timeline, I don't know why people think it doesn't work.

update to this post; in the audio "self-help", the master mentions stabbing himself in the back just when he thought he finally knew who he was. Referring to simm master stabbing missy, of course. giving us another confirmation of his position after missy in the timeline.

[m00nlight-ramblings]

Before the Happiness

After developing feelings for Astarion, it becomes clear to you that this is uncharted territory...and not just for you.

Pairings: Astarion x female Tav

Warnings: smut, fluff, angst, dual pov. MINORS DNI, 18+

Word Count: 4.4k

Requested: yes

A/N: Graphic made by me, I do not give permission to share it without asking.

The conversation and laughter around you had lulled to a dull roar as the night sky darkened. Sitting diagonal from Astarion at the campfire, you watched his lips move, almost in slow motion. You couldn’t focus on anything else – the rest of the party were conversing over bottles of wine that you all had found earlier in an abandoned village’s pub. Deciding to stay in the same campsite for two days as an extended rest, Karlach and Gale had the big idea of taking it easy and getting drunk – “to relax, and build morale!” Karlach had claimed.

Too bad you couldn’t take your eyes off of the fair-haired vampire across from you.

What started as an innocent crush – who could blame you, with Astarion being so cocky, and so charming, and so handsome? – quickly turned into something more. Now, you were unfortunately dealing with what you were sure was an unrequited love on one of Faerun’s biggest lady killers.

Figuratively, and literally.

“What say you, Tav?” Wyll asked, elbowing you gently. Snapping you back to reality, you immediately brought your goblet of wine up to your lips to buy yourself some time.

“Sorry, what?” You asked Wyll, keeping your gaze on your goblet. You felt a blush creeping to your lips…hopefully, no one had noticed your total focus on Astarion.

“Gale here was just saying that he could easily have taken on that hoard of goblins we came across this morning by himself!” Wyll chuckled, nodding towards Gale, “Him! Against 20 goblins himself! I say bullshit.”

“Now, now,” Gale interrupted, readying to defend himself, “I said if I had the proper time to prepare my spells correctly, I could easily fight against them-”

“Well, of course, if you had time to properly prepare for battle, you are more able to fight,” Shadowheart retorted, rolling her eyes, “But that’s not the point of battle.”

“Well…” You started as the party erupted into conversations about the designs of battle. As mini discussions started, you swept your eyes across the rest of the party, all who were animatedly debating whether they were for or against Gale’s point.

All, except for Astarion.

Once your eyes met his, you were locked on. He was absentmindedly swirling the wine in his goblet, his eyes unwavering against yours. Face completely unreadable, he caused heat to rise in you. You looked away quickly, only to check again to see if he was still looking at you.

He was.

You felt panic start in your fingertips as you gulped down the rest of your wine and immediately put your goblet down next to you. Standing, you wiped your hands on your pants.

“I’m going for a walk – I need some air.” You announced to no one (as they were still engulfed in their can-Gale-fight-20-goblins discussion). Without hesitation, you made your way to the creek a little bit beyond your campsite. Through the trees, the only noise was the fading of voices and the snapping of twigs beneath your camp boots. Finally reaching the creek, you were able to breathe out a sigh of relief, leaning against the nearest tree.

Your infatuation with Astarion was a point of panic for you – having never been in love (nor never had a partner before), you found yourself in undiscovered territory. You spent your whole life training as a fighter, not a girlfriend. So of course, the irony of it all would be that your first love would be a man who had so much experience, he would make the employees at Sharess’ Caress blush. He also happened to be a man that, though kind enough, wasn’t exactly a buddy. Astarion wouldn’t be the first person you’d reach out to in times of trouble at camp, no matter how much you wanted to. You and Astarion hadn’t had any talks where you were able to divulge your backstories – the only thing you knew about him was that he was a vampire, and his past with Cazador, really.

Oh, and that he was really, absurdly sexy.

You had only hoped that the others around you – especially Astarion – didn’t notice the extra time you spent staring at his face when you hoped no one was watching. Or the fact that your laugh was the loudest when he told funny stories around the campfire. Or that when travelling, you often found yourself walking near him.

“Are you alright?” A voice asked, forcing your eyes to pop open. You whipped around from the tree, finding Astarion step out from behind the forest. A friendly smile played on his lips, putting your thundering heart at ease slightly.

“Oh…yes, I’m fine. Thank you…I think I’ve had too much wine.” You said, quickly making up an excuse, “I guess my body has forgotten how to drink since we started this journey…since…we haven’t really had any wine…since…we started journeying.”

Smooth.

Astarion let out a chuckle, meeting you at the tree you were leaning against. “Ah yes, that makes…sense.” He paused the same way you had. You locked eyes and he broke out in a smile, and you realized he was teasing you. Your heart sped.

“You know what I mean…” You grumbled, kicking a rock in front of you and blushing.

“Yes, yes. I certainly do,” He paused for a moment, looking out at the creek. He didn’t speak, and you were suddenly aware of how loud the running of the water was. “I was worried about you when you ran off so suddenly. I was hoping you weren’t feeling ill.”

“Oh! Oh, no, I’m fine,” You felt flustered – Astarion? Worried about you? “Thank you, though…for checking on me.”

His eyes flickered down to your lips for a split second before returning to your eyes. For a moment, his eyes seemed to change…were they darker somehow? But he blinked, and they returned to his normal ruby red. He raised his eyebrows and he nodded, gracefully slipping his hands into his pants pockets. “You are welcome.”

“I’m feeling better, if you wanted to walk back to the campfire…with me?” You asked hesitantly. Gods, he was just a man! He wasn’t some sort of monstrous creature…so why did he make you so nervous?

Smiling, Astarion raised his arm as if to say, lead the way, “After you.”

You nodded and walked past him, ready to shake off your nerves. You committed to yourself to go back to the campfire and not look at Astarion once. You needed to be objective about your feelings towards him, no matter how strong they were. After all, you all had a mission to complete, and falling in love would simply get in the way. Leave your thoughts of Astarion when you were alone in your bed, drifting off to sleep – not when you were needed to be present.

Suddenly, Astarion gently grabbed your wrist. His fingers were ice cold as you expected, but it still sent a shiver down your spine. “I want to say something to you.” He started. You felt a lump in your throat, unable to speak. You simply nodded, your nerves making you unable to look at him.

“I have noticed that you and I haven’t been able to…get to know each other as much as the others,” His voice, barely above a whisper, was confident and sultry. “I would like that to change. I do enjoy your company very much. And after all, who knows how long we will be spending with each other until we can reclaim our minds from these wretched tadpoles, no?”

You swallowed and nodded, turning to look at him. His eyes glittered, mischievously. His signatured smirk was on his face as he slowly let go of your wrist. Somehow, his icy fingers left your skin burning.

“I would like that,” You eventually say, over the pounding of your heartbeat in your ears, “I also enjoy your…” Gulp. “Company.”

“Wonderful,” Astarion said. “Well, now that that’s settled, let’s get back to camp, shall we?” And even though he originally had you lead the way, he started off to camp first, leaving you a few steps behind.

Not that you minded…you obviously had to use this time to collect your thoughts.

Astarion wasn’t quite sure what had come over him at the party’s get-together the previous evening, but once he had seen you (very obviously) fixating on him from across the fire, something in him snapped.

Sure, he had noticed you immediately when he had joined the party – your kind eyes, and beautiful hair. Not to mention your lyrical laugh, and curvy body…the same one where, the mere thought of could keep him up all night…

It was safe to say he had developed strong feelings for you, so Astarion decided to do what he did best – keep a safe distance, and play it cool. There was no way romance and love and feelings would be a good idea in any sense.

Especially when he knew that your feelings were probably just lust.

Love was something so far from Astarion’s lexicon, he couldn’t even remember the last time he felt it. No one could ever love him – not after everything he had done, or even because of who he was. Worthless, disgusting, abysmal…there weren’t enough words to describe Astarion’s shortcomings.

Astarion was very aware of what many others thought of him – his only redeeming quality to the world was his looks, so the idea that people only wanted to fuck and leave was not a new concept. Though he couldn’t necessarily get himself into that particular situation all that much while under Cazador (though he somehow was able to sneak away for an hour or two while completing a mission), he saw how people looked at him on this journey.

It would’ve been flattering to him if he didn’t hate himself so much.

So the idea that your feelings – which were always written all over your face – could be any more than a fantasy of bedding him, was preposterous. Up until now, Astarion would be able to push that aside for a night or two in order to satiate his (and your) need to get off, but something inside him told him that his feelings would get in the way. His fantasies about you weren’t just sexual…sometimes, his mind wandered to holding you in his arms, or simply eating a meal with you by the campfire.

Or even worse…a future with you. One that didn’t include tadpoles and battles, but of sleeping in a fluffy bed with you on a Sunday morning; of going to the town market together to complete your errands, and of owning a cat with you.

Which, truth be told, scared him more than anything.

So when he found himself following you to the creek after you had left the campfire that evening without even thinking about it, he knew he was in trouble. Gone was any sense in his brain; instead, he knew his heart was taking over, and for whatever reason, he decided to go along with it. Maybe it was because his feelings were too strong, or that he couldn’t help himself, but he knew he needed to finally be around you more.

Even if that meant you wanted nothing more than a dirty fuck.

A few days after the night at the campfire (and - surprise, surprise - another night of drinking the following evening), you found yourself once again headed towards Baldur's Gate, party and belongings in tow. Since then, you and Astarion had fallen into your familiar rhythm of what seemed like standoffishness, but now with more smiles and pleasantries peppered in. Which, was more than okay with you, since the very idea of Astarion becoming close seemed to scare you.

However, your heart couldn't help but flutter when the surprisingly flirty remark Astarion made was thrown your way. So much so that you didn't mind the curious glances from Lae'zel, or Gale.

"C'mon, you have to tell us!" Karlach pleaded while on the road, her voice a hoarse whisper as to not draw attention, "What is going on between you and Astarion?! Don't think I didn't notice, soldier...him running after you the other night? And now he's flirting with you...complimenting you?! The others may not be noticing all that much, but I certainly am!"

You laughed nervously and swatted your hand in the air as if to say, it's nothing! "Oh, you know Astarion. He flirts with everyone!"

"Yeah, but this is the first time he's flirting with you," Karlach retorted. "Which, took long enough since Gods, you're hot! But, don't think I haven't noticed the change in attitude between you two."

A blush crept to your face as you felt yourself unable to look away from the back of Astarion's head, who was walking a few paces ahead of you, discussing something with Halsin very intently. Your mind wandered to other things as your eyes scanned his body...his back, his behind...how both of them would look naked.

"Alright, I'm leaving you to whatever weird fantasy is currently going on in that brain of yours, okay?" Karlach finally said, pulling you out of your daydream. She playfully shoved your shoulder and walked faster, stepping in line with Shadowheart at the front of the pack. As she passed, Astarion slowly turned his head to look at you, Halsin still blabbering away in his ear. Your heart leapt to your throat as you locked eyes with him.

He had definitely heard.

The night had fallen silently, the only noise in camp being crickets chirping away. The oil lamp in your tent flickered as you pulled the blanket on your bed closer to your body. The book you were reading was propped up in your lap, and you reveled in the peace of the evening - retiring to your tent early, you heard exactly when everyone else had gone to sleep. Sure, you probably should have been sleeping already since Wyll insisted on an early morning start, but you wanted to enjoy your book for just a few more moments.

Suddenly, a rustling came from the front of your tent, the sound of someone announcing themselves.

"It's me," Astarion's voice called, "Are you decent?"

"Um-" You threw the book closed and swept the blanket off of you in a panic, though there was literally nothing to panic about. Rising from the bed quickly, you started to pace your tent, "Yes. Come in."

The flap to your tent was quickly undid and thrust open. Astarion strode in and redid the flap with ease. He looked down, and once he realized you had enchanted your tent with a wooden floor, slipped off his camp shoes. When he looked back up at you, he smiled.

"Good evening, darling."

"Good evening." You said, holding your hands behind your back. You plastered a smile on your face, trying to suppress the urge to smooth your hair. A moment of silence passed by before you snapped into action, "Would you like to sit?" You asked, motioning to your bed.

"Ah, yes. Thank you." Astarion said awkwardly, moving towards the bed. He sat at the far corner, causing you to sit at the opposite side.

How funny...with how badly you wanted to jump his bones, you'd think you wouldn't be on basically the other side of the world.

"Well, darling, I just came here tonight to...see how you were doing?" Astarion started, looking at you. You couldn't help but smile as he leaned back on the footpost of your bed.

"How I'm doing?" You clarified.

He nodded, "Yes, as friends do. That's what we're working towards," He paused, his eyes flickering down your body. Then, his eyes did the thing - darkened slightly, causing an indescribable look to cross his face.

Suddenly, you recognized that it wasn't an indescribable look.

It was lust.

"Friends, correct? That's what we're looking for." He finally finished, meeting your eyes again. This time, his eyes stayed dark, running his tongue quickly over his lips to moisten them.

You heart began to thud and you shifted in your nightclothes, arousal springing in your belly. Just Astarion's look alone and you were suddenly putty in his hands.

"Y-yes. Friends...that's what we are." You quietly confirmed. Feeling bold - you couldn't believe that Astarion was feeling lustful towards you! Could it be a mistake? - you scooted a bit closer and leaned in slightly, "Unless you had...other plans."

Astarion smirked and cocked and eyebrow, mirroring your body language by scooting closer. "Darling...are you coming on to me?" His voice was low, floating to your ears. You began to feel warm, a bit of sweat pooling on your brow. "If so...well, that changes everything."

"Does it now?" You murmured, staring at his lips. Your boldness surprised you - you were surprised that the first time you took a chance with Astarion was working in your favor.

Not that you were complaining.

As your heart started to beat faster, Astarion slid closer to you, closing the gap between your bodies. His hand slowly snaked up your side, his pointer finger lightly tracing your thigh. He moved in, his lips mere inches from yours.

"Say the word", He said, his voice ringing in your ears, "And tonight, I'm yours. But I will not continue unless you say it."

Your belly pooled with heat, and you couldn't contain yourself, no matter how nervous you were, "Then be mine tonight."

At once Astarion was on top of you, his lips pressed against yours. Spreading his legs so that yours were in between his, he pressed himself down on your body, his erection already prominent. You moaned into the kiss, causing him to deepen it.

"Astarion," You breathed as he pulled away slightly, starting to push your sleep shirt up from the bottom. He smiled as he quickly looked into your eyes, finally finding your lips with his again.

"If this is what friendship means for us, then I cannot wait to get closer." He spoke teasingly, his words sloppy, encased in your lips. You giggled through the kiss and suddenly gasped as you felt his cold hands on your sides, under your shirt.

You heart raced as your hands found their way to Astarion's shirt, pulling it above his head. You ran your fingers down his chest, taking in the sight before you. He paused, obviously loving the attention. A smirk played on his lips as he pushed your shirt above your head, eyes widening as your bare chest was finally on display.

"Gods, you're gorgeous." He purred, maintaining eye contact as he slowly lowered his head to latch his lips on to one of your erect nipples. You immediately moaned as his tongue swirled around your breast, leaving evidence of saliva around your nipple.

"Fuck, Astarion." You grumbled, your back arching into his mouth. He smiled but continued with his mouth, his hands finding their way to your soft pants. Without ties or buttons, Astarion was able to easily push them down, and you helped by kicking them off of your ankles.

"Darling, I can't wait to take you all in," He said, his mouth rising to yours again. One of his hands found its way to your neck, holding on to the side, while resting on his elbow. His other hand met your clit, immediately rubbing circles, "You're already so wet." He chuckled.

"You feel so good," You retorted as an explanation. Your thoughts were swimming overwhelmingly - you couldn't believe you were finally in bed with Astarion. You had fantasized about this moment basically since you had met him, and being here felt better than you could have ever imagined.

Say the word, and tonight, I'm yours. His words rang in your brain, causing your face to flush even more.

Tonight.

Tonight.

But what about after tonight?

You hadn't much experience with lovers, aside from the few and far between "relationships" as a teen, so you didn't know what was supposed to happen after this night. Were you supposed to go back to normal...as friends?

Suddenly, a pang of panic spread through you - the idea of going back to normal, as just friends, was painful to you. Here you were, with Astarion finally as a lover, someone you've come to care for deeply.

How deep it was going to hurt if you couldn't continue on with him. How deep it would hurt if you gave yourself to him like that, only to have him take you and discard you.

You snapped back to reality, realizing that many moments of silence from you had gone by. You hadn't even felt anything Astarion was doing, and he noticed, quizzically looking at you while continuing to work on your clit. You felt anxiety rise to the surface violently, and you suddenly sat up in the bed.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. Stop!" You said, immediately criss-crossing your legs. Astarion, shocked, sat back on his knees, his glistening chest heaving.

"I'm sorry! Did I do something wrong?" His lips were full and swollen, his eyes wide. You recognized the look of fear on his face, causing your heart to drop.

"I can't do this," You spoke frantically, sighing heavily. "I'm sorry I just...can't."

"Oh...kay," Astarion spoke slowly, seemingly afraid to startle you, "What's wrong?"

Your thoughts were still jumbled, the anxiety still at the surface, "I just...I just can't have you dismiss me after tonight!" Your voice was shrill, you knew it, but you couldn't stop.

Confused, Astarion slid closer. He was quiet for a moment, handing over your blanket. You took it, covering yourself, silently thanking him for the gesture.

"'Dismiss' you?" He asked, tilting his head to the side, "What do you mean, 'dismiss' you?"

"You know..." You said, almost panting from the panic, "Dismiss me! Like your...your other lovers!" You waved your hand in the air to accentuate the point, "Here I am, with true, deep feelings of love for you, and all I am to you will be another notch in your bedpost!" You sighed, finally catching your breath, "And I know I said yes to this, but truth be told I am not...experienced...with someone who is as experienced as you, and I know I said yes because I couldn't help myself due to my feelings for you. But I cannot go back to just friends after this, to party members after this. Like nothing had happened. I cannot be discarded..." Finally deciding to look at him, you felt tears spring to your eyes, "I think that will break my heart."

"Darling," Astarion whispered, taking your hand in his. "What makes you think I planned to discard you after this?"

"Isn't that what you want?" You asked, allowing the small tears to fall freely, "To just...fuck?"

"Gods, no!" Astarion cried, moving closer and smiling, "That's what I thought you wanted!"

"What?!" You asked, matching his smile, "What do you mean?"

"I thought you only wanted to bed me," He said, squeezing your hand, "That's why I came here tonight - because I thought it was what you wanted. My whole life, for as long as I can remember, my body has been used for others. I've never had someone bed me and want to stay...You know my history with Cazador...you know what I've been subjected to. I've never had anyone...care...for me before," He looked down, his voice softening, "...are you saying that you care for me?"

You nodded slowly. Bravely, you reached your hand to touch his cheek, causing him to look up to you again, "I care for you...deeply. I've fantasized about this moment since I've met you but..." You tried to find the proper words, "I'm not quite sure I'm ready for it. I have little experience and, I know that sounds young, but-"

"My darling, I would never ever push you to do something you don't want," Astarion interrupted, shaking his head, "If anyone knows about being forced to do things you don't want, it's me. Truth be told...it's quite a relief to hear you say that...I'm not...quite sure my body is ready to be touched in that way...right now," He smiled sadly, "Not by someone I care for deeply. Not in a relationship I want to grow more then just...sleeping with one another. I find that it is hard to think of myself sexually due to...my past. And I'd rather move past that before I..." His words trailed off, as if he didn't want to continue.

"Astarion," You whispered. "I won't hurt you like that. Just like you didn't want to hurt me."

He smiled finally, taking your hand closer to his mouth. Gently, he kissed your knuckles, a smile playing on his lips, "The last thing I will ever do is hurt you."

"So..." You gently nudged, "You're saying that you care deeply for me as well?"

Astarion looked at you seriously, continuing to hold your hand. He nodded, "I do. I'm terrified, but I do. I don't know what this is, and I don't know what it will become, but I've come to realize that whatever it is...I want to do it with you," He chuckled to himself, "A terrifying thought, my heart in your hands."

"And mine in yours." You spoke. Your heart was thundering with an overflow of joy - after all this time, this new revelation felt like a sunrise after a dark and stormy night. After a moment of silence, you tucked a piece of hair behind his ear, "Tonight, I think we just lay together. We don't need anything else. But I would like to spend time with you."

Astarion's eyes glittered as he nodded again, noticing your sleep clothes on the ground and picking them up. As he slipped his shirt back on, he laid beside you in bed, hesitantly putting his arms around you.

"I've never just...lay with someone before."

"There's a first for everything." You said mildly, turning to him in his arms. He smiled, gently kissing your forehead.

"I'm scared." He offered. You nodded, knowingly.

"I know. So am I."

"But before the happiness, there is always fear." He said. He looked at you, sincerity and kindness in his eyes. Gently, you met his lips with yours, trying to muster as much courage and support as you could through a kiss. When you pulled back, you smiled at him.

"And there will be a lot of happiness."

-----

What did you all think? I'm so sorry for the long break! I'm back! As always, reblogs, likes, and comments mean the WORLD for writers and are much appreciated!

My inbox is OPEN for requests!

[fatalism-and-villainy]

I genuinely love Mirror Sisko so much. I think he reflects and refracts our Sisko in so many compelling ways, and feels to true to how Sisko actually could have developed if he’d been born under very different circumstances. (Part of it is the script, and part of it is Avery Brooks’ marvelous performance.)

The Sisko we’re presented with in the mirror universe is wilder and angrier and more cynical, boisterous and fun-loving in a palpably threatening way, where you sense that he could spontaneously break out into violence at any time. And he projects a decidedly predatory vibe every time he interacts with our Kira. It feels deeply off, and yet also strangely reminiscent of Sisko Prime’s darker side. Because even though Sisko as presented in the show is a much more decent man, and much more committed to higher ideals and moral rectitude, he also had a wild side when he was younger, and his anger can be quite threatening when he’s pushed or under duress. (This manifests more often in later seasons, but even early on, there’s the scene in Past Prologue where he tells Kira, “Go over my head again, and I’ll have yours on a platter.” He has a real way of smiling like he’s baring his teeth that Mirror Sisko dials up to eleven.)

Mirror Sisko is representative of who Sisko would have been without the Federation, without the utopian society to nurture his most heroic and humanistic traits and without a structure of higher ideals to build his identity around. He has many of the same personality traits, but his jagged edges are more pronounced, and it’s clear his aggressiveness is a protective wall he’s built around himself. His interactions with the Intendant really illustrate how traumatized he truly is - when she comms him in Quark’s bar, he shuts down for a second before snapping out of it and sharing a lascivious chuckle with his crew about his going to see her, and then in her quarters, he has the line about how he “never had any [feelings] to hurt”. He’s cultivated a “fuck you, I got mine” mindset, and takes pleasure in intimidating O’Brien as a way of indulging in what limited power he has, because he knows - as Kira points out - that he’s still a victim.

(There’s something very poignant as well in how How Far Beyond the Stars links Sisko’s Black identity to the value of the Federation - it’s his trip back to a racist past that reminds him of what he’s fighting to protect against the Dominion. Meanwhile, with Mirror Sisko, in a world without the Federation, we have the imagery of a Black man from a enslaved people whose very conditional freedom and privileges are tied up in his ability to sexually service a white woman.)

But his fundamental heroism still comes through, and it’s explicitly through his concern for the wellbeing of his crew. When Kira challenges him as to why he hasn’t fought more for freedom for the Terrans, he says:

You’re looking in the wrong place for a hero, ma’am. I’ve made the best of a bad life for my crew. That’s my contribution.

I love this line so much, because while Sisko Prime is very devoted to the broader ideals of Starfleet and the Federation, and very invested in the symbolism of “the uniform”, he’s also very devoted to the people under his command, and willing to bend the rules or look the other way to protect them. It shows up in all kinds of ways, like him finding a loophole to shield Kira from getting in trouble for disobeying orders in Progress, or him fighting for Worf in Rules of Engagement despite disagreeing with his judgment call. So it seems completely fitting that for Mirror Sisko, who never had that ideological structure to nurture him and shape his worldview, his heroism - his “contribution” to the good of the Terrans - is entirely centered on protecting his crew, and his world has basically shrunk to his ship and its command structure. And there’s something so perfect about the fact that it’s Kira who makes him see that he can be more.

Of all the Mirror Universe characters, he feels to me like the most thorough use of the conceit to shed light on the character we already know.

[planethibiscus]

What would it be like if the yandere characters from Until Dawn were jealous of Reader?

JEALOUSY ⬤ UD

An: I interpreted the wording of this ask as the characters being jealous of the reader, but if you meant over reader, send another request and I'll write that.

Jessica is an insecure individual. She envies both readers looks and confidence. She ties her appearance to her level of importance, so it shocks her how ugly she feels in comparison to you. How little you seem to prioritise your looks might anger her because she has to fight for her presence to even slightly match yours. It makes her feel undeserving of you, like she's not worthy to be anything more with someone so much better than her.

Emily is a control freak. She envies readers influence. She notices your natural ability to sway others around you almost without trying, and it aggravates her that she doesn't possess that same power. People will do things for you simply because they want to. You don't have to play mind games or even ask. It's unfair. She wants that too, because then you'd be so much easier to make hers.

Hannah is desperate. She envies readers nonchalant manner of being. Hannah could never, she's in too deep with the “I love you”s and “I need you”s. She's so easily swept up in the throes of love that she forgets herself. She doesn't want to be less clingy until she sees how easily you cope without her. She resents you for it, how you're able to just keep on living without every thought being about her, whilst her every thought is about you.

Ashley is lonely. She envies readers ability to make friends. Your easy way of making those around you comfortable is something she wishes she knew how to do. She'd use it on you if she could. Make you open up to her, relax a little beside her, but she can't help feeling that she's creeping you out. She wants to share in your peace of not overthinking simple “hello”s and “how are you?”s because it's driving her insane.

Josh is vindictive. He envies readers compassion. He used to be a loving person to all of his friends in his own silly way, but now he feels like an outsider in his own inner circle. He can't stand these people, he doesn't like them anymore, but you do. It makes him bitter, he wishes he could be as forgiving as you are, but watching you be so warm with them leads him to believe that he's just not as good of a person as you need.

Chris is skeptical. He envies readers trust. Chris does not trust himself around you at all. He feels like he'll screw up something, lose some nerve and say something stupid that'll make you never want to talk to him again. He doesn't like how he's beginning to feel uncomfortable around his friends, but he just can't trust them around you, and he can't trust himself to let his guard down when someone else might hurt you, or god forbid, swoon you first.

Mike is invested. He envies readers indifference. Before he met you, he was an easy man with easy morals. Now he finds himself wanting to settle down, his fear of commitment squashed under your smile. But he knows it's crazy to ask you for anything serious when you hardly know eachother, so for once he'll have to dread playing the slow game instead of feeling empowered by it.

Beth is honest. She envies readers filter. She's always been a truthful type, but since meeting you she's become unable to hold words in. Things she doesn't mean to say will slip out and horrify her. Compliments too deep and specific to be from a friend will leave her lips before she realises she was distracted by your eyes. Biting remarks towards old friends will be spat out in a natural way that she fears will disgust you.

Matt is emotional. He envies readers stability. Head over heels isn't a bad way to be in his opinion, afterall it's quite rewarding to have someone who can immediately give you that dopamine boost, but it's also dangerous. You hold far too much power over his mood. A smile from you can set him up for a whole week. A frown from you can ruin his month.

Sam is smitten. She can't find any reason to be jealous of you. There's no need to envy you because she's simply so lucky to have you, even if you're not actually hers yet. Things she sees in you, she doesn't need to have in herself. You bring those things to her life by being there. You fulfil her by being. That's all.

An2: thank you for your request!

[batmen-and-birds]

For the batentity au, idk why reading that how B so willingly murder is very... Well lack for better word, sad?

I feel like cuz B is the core of all the emotions and memories of Bruce Wayne, everything just am up to 11 or heck even 12 cuz the way I see it, B is the repressed emotions of Bruce that let loose. (man first order of business is to beat up Joker to comatose, deffo had hold that grudge for years), Batman is his moral code, his ideal, keeping him in line and in check, Brucie is his social life, his front appearance when there's camera and people expect him to be the playboy billionaire and matches is him but minus all the sappy emotions stuff and focus more on the detective side (even if it's dirty... And shady... And... Yk what whatever Matches Malone maloning in his free time)

Seeing at the very core Bruce can smile genuinely and happy like B does hurts so bad, because it further evident that the man gone thru a lot that he hides this side of him or not letting him out at its fullest

I like to think B existence/action sent people to a whiplash is cuz this side of Bruce is more reflecting on the kid that mourn his parents in the alley. He's bright, he's emotional (perhaps more than expected?), he so kind and loving and caring especially to his family. And this side spesifically is one Bruce shield away in order not to be hurt again.

Now he's free from the shackle.. Why would he want to go back? He's been hurt and hurting and now he can do something about it without the burden of his moral code (batman), without putting up a front for the world (Brucie), with clear goal and not pretending (matches)

I think why the other identity follow his lead is because they know, they existence are to in one way or another to protect B and help him with his goal, it has always been that way wasn't?

I'm sorry if this ask is long and I hope you don't mind me throwing my two cent in it!! It's a very exciting au and I love to brainstorm this concept

I really appreciate you sharing your thought! You’re right, the three of them are created to protect and support B! Brucie and Bats are pretty obvious but Matches was initially created to infiltrate his rouges workforce and the criminal underworld. In the end Matches is Bruce’s outlet for his guilty pleasures. When he‘s Matches he doesn’t need to be proper and showy or righteous and fair. He‘ll have a beer with other henchmen and joins in on their jeers and dirty jokes. Ever heard Batman or Bruce Wayne casually use foul language? No ofc not, they have images to maintain but Matches will call you every name in the book to get his point across.

He can also care for his former friends even if only in a ‚professional‘ capacity and isn‘t policing them to the usual extend. Yes, he‘d help them and save anyone’s butt if asked but he doesn‘t try to convince them to redeem themselves. Matches gives him the chance to have harmless fun with objectively bad people like his rouges and even the other goons. Most of them are also people that Bruce knew when he was younger. Harvey and Roman were his childhood friends, Cobblepot was his chess partner and even Freeze he‘s met when Nora comforted him during the first Wayne annual ball after his parents died. He‘s comfortable among these serial killers and mobsters and the backlash he‘d receive for hanging out with them would be catastrophic if he‘d ever be caught. He knows he would be judged for it without his excuse of infiltration and espionage. His rouges are all people who have hurt hundreds of others but Bruce remembers how they had helped HIM, so he’s gonna be a bit selfish by keeping them near him.

And yeah fusing back is something that the people around B have to convince him of, like the league and his family. Not his alter egos. But even they are conflicted about it when watching B laugh like he hasn‘t done since loosing Jason or be playful like he‘s only done when Dick was still Robin. But those alter egos were all made as a coping mechanism and right now B can just walk away from any of them. With what he’s done without them in just a few weeks time, beating the Joker, allying himself with Ra’s, getting back at Deathstroke (I already have an idea for him), etc., no one knows what he‘ll do without them longterm.

[pangaeaseas]

Thinking about jily hcs and I sorta love the idea that Lily was more radical than James…

First off I find the order a very interesting organization, people have brought up before that it’s not exactly a radical organization that pushes for social growth and change but one that protects the status quo. I think that description fits pretty accurately for the 2nd order, and I feel that it fits for the first order as well. The goals of the order were to be a resistance group to the growing “racist/classist” movement, that usually took the form of combat. The Order was disbanded after the war, and most of the members just went about their regular lives, sort of proving it wasn’t a long lasting movement for social progress, possibly just a reactionary one (though to be fair a good number of them did die, but still). This isn’t to say I think the order was bad or detrimental to their society, just that it wasn’t radical in its ideology. I do think you could make an argument that they were radical in their actions to an extent. All of that being said lol, I don’t think the average order member was a raging leftist socialist or whatever, and I never remotely got that impression from James potter. Lily however to me has potential for this. I love examining jily through their political growth together (I think it’s one of their main pulls towards each other) BUT I think it’s sooo fascinating to see Lily going farther than James! You could go so many ways with how this would play out too! Would it cause tension? Would he think she was doing too much? Would she think he wasn’t doing enough? Would there be doubt on either side about their own beliefs? Something else entirely? Idk! I just like it

Also it’s fun for me to imagine the ways she’d be more radical. Would she be against the statute? Would she want to abolish elf slavery? What’s her view on goblin rights? And where would James stand on these issues? Again does it cause tension?

Ok that’s it haha

I love all of this! and I agree that Lily would be more radical. I tend to make the order pretty radical when I write it just because that's interesting to me and because of my worldbuilding lol but yeah the weight of canon evidence mostly suggests it's not super anti-system just anti-Death Eaters. Which is also super interesting to think about! Because it creates tensions between characters who want to restore the status quo and characters who want to burn the status quo down. and I could see Lily being one of them. In part because being a Muggleborn coming into a whole new society and then the end of her friendship with Snape fores her to reevaluate her life principles in a way James, though deeply committed to his values to the point of dying for them, doesn't have to because he was raised (most likely lol considering soooo much of their lives is personal headcanon or extracanon) with pretty Dumbledore-aligned values and never has to change his basic assumptions about the world. So I could see her becoming more radical while James is more pro-status quo. Though it must also be stated that James goes above and beyond for his werewolf friend so you can make a case for him as radical too. OR that his politics are like his son's: based on individual and not systematic cases of oppression.

Also it would be fun to see radical Lily come into conflict with totally-voted-for-Thatcher Petunia....

It's also interesting to consider how Sirius comes into this! I also see him as someone who'd be really politically radical: moreso than James and Remus (who desperately wants to fit into the status quo and is probably more conservative than James lol) in part because of moral conviction in part because of having also had to reconsider his entire life. though probably more in theory than in practice: like in theory he'd be anti house elf enslavement in practice we see how he treats kreacher. it'd be really interesting to see Sirius gravitating towards Lily out of a shared anti-establishment sensibility and how this might bring them into conflict with James.

[savagewildnerness]

Let’s talk about truth, lies, morals and goodness in The Vampire Chronicles, especially with respect to Lestat and Louis.

OK, all of this is going to be off the top of my head, but chat around Lestat smacking Nicolas into a wall got me thinking on a topic that’s going to be a hot topic during season 3, particularly given the TV show IWTV so far has been all about “memory is the monster.”

First of all, I want to reiterate that Rolin has said that we’re done with that theme now.  However, I just know that whatever happens in S3, some things are going to be met with “Well I think/know Lestat is lying” in some corners.   And I am absolutely not saying Lestat always tells the truth.  Lestat himself says things such as that he only lies to those he loves and that he sometimes lies to himself. There are moments in the story where I don't believe Lestat (a controversial one being that I believe the book NOLA reunion is close to Louis' account and it is Lestat who denies it as his psyche cannot accept how Louis abandoned Lestat to what Louis thought was a mortal death here. I know many disagree with me. And as I see it, it is irrelevant to the TV show as for me the reasons Lestat has for denying this encounter do not exist on the TV show so it happened, Lestat won't deny it and we can be happy that the beauty of that scene in S2E8 is real with no needed debate.)

Anyway... the whole hitting Nicolas thing today indicates one area Lestat never lies about.  When Lestat has done something bad, he’s telling us.  He’s always telling us.  He’s never trying to hide it.  And depending on how much you like him or don’t, we as readers/listeners may or may not excuse different things he does, to different degrees.  And Lestat is 100% of the time asking us to do just that.  Because Lestat is deeply terrified he is evil.  He knows he has done evil things and bad things and that he has hurt not just strangers as his monster-self, but also humans and vampires he loves.  And so he shares when he hurts someone.  And in sharing, he is pleading with us “I did this.  Do you love me now?”  Lestat is never going to lie about that kind of thing, because he desperately needs literally any random stranger on the street to (ideally) say… “I see what you are, in fullness and I love you anyway.  You are worthy of love.  You can be good.”

Oooooh… I’m going to find Lestat’s own quote on the matter from The Vampire Lestat:  “By the time we left Italy I was playing dangerous little games with mortals. I'd see a man, or a woman -- a human being who looked perfect to me spiritually --  and I would follow the human about. Maybe for a week I'd do this, then a month, sometimes even longer than that. I'd fall in love with the being. I'd imagine friendship, conversation, intimacy that we could never have. In some magical and imaginary moment I would say: "But you see what I am," and this human being, in supreme spiritual understanding, would say: "Yes, I see. I understand." Nonsense, really. Very like the fairy tale where the princess gives her selfless love to the prince who is enchanted and he is himself again and the monster no more. Only in this dark fairy tale I would pass right into my mortal lover. We would become one being, and I would be flesh and blood again. Lovely idea, that.”

We, as ‘the reader’ literally would be unable to tell Lestat what he so desperately needs to hear if Lestat lied about or minimised the bad things he does or his negative actions.  He himself feels varying levels of guilt for different things.  But he tells us what he does that is bad. Obviously this was inspired by discussion of Lestat hitting Nicki. But he was provoked into that and while he describes that Nicolas can then take the moral high ground, just as he could with The Children of Darkness in that moment... because Nicki achieved what he wanted here... Lestat tells us way worse things he does than this: murder of the most innocent, rape of innocent humans, to his closest mortal friend... he runs the gamut and he tells us every thing he does. Which is not to minimise that Lestat does harm Nicolas. That is a thing that happened. Even though obviously vampires recover quickly from physical injury.

Lestat does lie though.  Lestat, the endurer was taught as a child that when he has big feelings, they are *too much*... Although he expresses his emotion readily, even by the person who loved him most of all, Gabrielle (who does validate some of Lestat's feelings and experience), he is taught - do not sit in your feelings. Especially do not dwell in existential feelings. Move away from enduring existential pain. Move into action.  Be practical.  Fight.  You are a fighter.  You will endure.  You are strong. 

And as such, Lestat lies when he feels utterly broken.  We see Lestat as an optimist so thoroughly, not because Lestat is internally 100% optimist, rather because he chooses to be an optimist.  Internally, Lestat is not as much an optimist as he appears to others.  We ought to know as we hear his existential crises all the time, from when he was a child. We know him from the inside out.  And so Lestat lies when he feels suicidal.  He minimises his own pain. He minimises psychological damage done unto him. 

Which is a distinction - Lestat does not minimise his emotion!  He’s happy to tell us he cries and of his joy and of the whole gamut of big and human expression.  But he minimises his pain. When he is psychologically damaged, it often isn’t even that he wants to lie.  It’s that he cannot allow that of himself and so he isn’t fully aware of it in himself. And Lestat does not minimise the physical or psychological pain he does unto others. He is well aware of it. And we don't need to deny that he does cause others pain as well, as of course he does. To love is to harm as well as to heal. Show me the person who has never hurt someone they loved (emotionally/psychologically. I don't mean physically) and I'll show you a true liar....!

I just want to put these thoughts out there.  Because when we get into season 3, I want it to be very clear exactly when and why Lestat might not tell the full truth. (Obviously with the concession that TV Lestat is his own being, but I feel like surely he'll retain his core self???)

Things are very different for Louis.  There’s a similarity, as Louis too is deeply terrified of not being good.  But unlike Lestat who presents every aspect of himself and says “Here is all I am.  See me.  Can you still love me?” Louis is so afraid of what he might be that he’s scared to look deeply inside himself in case he were to look inside himself and find true horror he could not cope with.  Of course Louis has been brought up with religion in a way where he believes that were he to look inside himself and find terrible enough things, God and he himself would know and Louis himself then would be unable to endure.  Louis doesn’t need that external validation.  He knows himself.

Because Louis is afraid to look deeply within himself, he is also afraid to look deeply within others.  Which is an interesting dichotomy as of course Louis is naturally empathetic and sensitive and thoughtful.  But for example in the book IWTV he makes a lot of assumptions about Lestat without thinking about Lestat’s internal experience at all.  And he’s happy to make those assumptions as if fact as he cannot bear to delve deeply and understand himself, let alone Lestat.  Louis needs to be good just as Lestat does, but Louis imposes external moral rules upon himself so he doesn’t have to think more deeply about who he is and can just feel good if he follows his rules (much like his religion imposes its rules.). This means that when we hear things that aren’t entirely true from Louis, they often seem more like lies.  But they’re never intentional lies.  And they’re often not even misremembering - they’re simply Louis afraid to look at the all of himself.  And happily, Louis has a beautiful soul, and so once he has been able to accept himself (and Louis is aware on some level of this aspect in himself by the time he gives his first interview; aware of his fears of acknowledging all of himself - so his journey has begun even then) he is deeply empathetic and can offer this to Lestat.

And happily, at the end of S2, Louis has reached this place of accepting and understanding himself. Which is much happier than the books, where it takes him longer to truly get there.

We can look at many other characters too - some who lie to themselves; some who fail to understand aspects of themselves; some who are literally incapable of a lie, sometimes to their own detriment or destruction, so it is absolutely not always a good thing.  Some who cannot know their self fully.  All who are damaged in some way.

I don’t know where I’m going with this now.  But I guess I just wanted to open a conversation about truth and lies and goodness and evil…?

I hope this may spark some more articulate thoughts in someone else…?

And obviously, all only just as I see things/my truth.

And I guess I'm also saying that how we recount events depends on our experience of them, yes. But humans lose much to memory in a way vampires do not. For good and for bad. To not remember everything protects us, as mortals. So is it any surprise that immortals, with vampiric-level memory, as all other senses, in order to endure eternity have to not look too deeply in some areas. Or else they simply couldn't go on...

OK, shut up me! But I am curious to hear anyone's thoughts here..???

[erabu-san]

First of all, I would like to thank you so much for all your support and your kind message !! Thank you so much for being patient with me too !! (you will see, I thanks a lot in this post lol)

Haha tbh I believe that ignoring and move on is a great way too! Yeees when I read this anon ask, I was wondering if they are living somewhere where pale person are oppressed and they are personally in this case and it affects them so badly that they have so much hate in them or they are just being hateful toward poc w/o any explication ? It was a bit uncomfortable And what is appealing with Genshin Impact (for me) is the fact that they use real culture to create their game ; even in the last survey, they ask if we like Natlan's authenticity (weird they only ask abt environment and music, i think they know they have issue with character design bahaha). I learn a lot about persian, algerian, but also chinese and even about french culture ! It is because people recognize themself that they start talking about it. I know there is a lot of controversial topic in Natlan, but because of this, I learn a lot on Hawai'i 's culture too. So yes, even if it is fiction, representation *is* important. And it is because they take inspiration of their culture that there is people who want a better representation, and in my opinion, this is something to not ignore !

About taking well what anon said, thank you so much ! If i can be honest tho, I didn't take it very well neither, or just I don't know how do I really felt at the moment I am an adult but I still hard time to distinguish what is morally okay or not, what is bad and good ? So if someone doesn't tell me they are explicitly a bad person with bad intention, I won't get it haha (ofc I grew up and now I identify my value and morals, but I still questionning if my morals are objectively great or not- yeaaah i was called weird for that, I am aware) Since forever I always try to understand other so I can communicate properly (at least I try), and that's why I am always interested on how does people think, why do they react in this specific way etc etc. Pro, I am patient and can take even the most violent take "well" (all depends. I am still a human) Con, I give free speech to those who have a "bad" take </3 and I apologize for that aaaa

KFSDLFSD I wish to express my angryness sometime but I just don't know if it is really adequate What if I interpret their text in wrong way as they initially try to say ? I wasn't feel offended by what they said, I was just uncomfortable because their opinion is something I consider hateful. and what if i was wrong??? But reading you all's opinion just affirm that's they were indeed rude ! I should stop overthink, life would be easier Maybe next time I have a doubt I will ask my friends's opinion before answering ksdkfsf

Oh my god thank you !!! If i can be honest, I draw Kinich this way because when I draw him w a darker skin for the first time, I thought "Oh !!! he looks so cool !!!!" and seeing a lot of positive comment abt my Kinich just makes me happy so I keep him like this ! And thank you for sharing with me informations !<<333 This is not overstepping at all ! And it is a reciprocate feeling anon ! It might be a bit weird but "angry" is such a complex feeling for me. I feel it but I don't really know how to express it in the most healthy way and it is super frustrating. So... seeing people getting mad at something I also disagree on makes me feel better !! And for this, thank you all !

I SNORT SO HAAAARD Damn Macron you again..........!! I didn't put all ask here but I read them all !! Thank you for sharing with me your opinion and reaction, it is truly interesting (and way more relaxing that the hater anon kskskss) !! and again, your support is truly meaningful for me. You all have sincere gratitude Hope y'all have a great day !! Stay hydrated too <3

[rederiswrites]

Alright, I've got to get the gripes out. Doesn't mean you have to read it. If you love the game you probably shouldn't. This is for people who are really disappointed or angry about...things and would like to feel like they're not alone.

This is not about the absolute value of Veilguard. I enjoyed the game and I am, if anything, enjoying it more on the second playthrough. Like all the other installations, inevitably it is its own thing. Some franchises are just logical continuations of their previous installments, but Dragon Age has never been like that and I sure wouldn't expect it after this long since the last installment.

[Edited to add that I reblog locked it but 100% encourage sharing your feelings in the replies or even my dms. It's fine to talk about it! I want to talk about it!]

That said, my biggest gripes about Veilguard:

The sanitizing of the Crows

Come on now. I even defended you, Bioware! Before the game, I said, nahhhh they won't make the Crows Good Guys just because of Lucanis! Lucanis was tortured too! Well, they didn't do that, I guess. They did it as part of a much larger pattern of ironing out the moral grey areas the franchise was formerly known for.

The Crows are Patriots! Well, they are. And also, though you wouldn't know it, slavers and torturers and murderers of children. You'd be forgiven for not realizing that, considering the creation of the feel good House for orphans who really wanna be contract killers. But it is pretty foundational lore and all. There is the like, one previous Crow character, whom they wrote as going on a righteous mission to kill Crows, because of the whole them being bad thing.

What was being raised by the head of the Crows like, Lucanis? Torture? Hahaha funny oh you mean literally. Literally your grandmother tortured and starved you and never gave you the slightest choice in your life and you've accepted that because you accept the logic that it was necessary. But again. That's based on my knowledge of material outside this game.

Any previous game would have reveled in that! Do you ally yourself with these people, this objectively bad organization full of people who don't see themselves as bad at all? Because they are very good at killing, and that's what you need! But this game just makes them good guys. No moral dilemma needed. Nope, we like black and white now.

And speaking of which,

The dehumanization of the Antaam

Ew. Ew ew ew.

Gimme a minute and I'll come up with something better to say but seriously? Ew.

They neither look nor sound like any of the other qunari characters. They sound like animals, literally. Exactly once does one make the slightest attempt to do anything but attack you--and then he attacks you anyway. Not a single one deserts. I guess the lesson here is that apparently qunari really do become mindless beasts without the structure and discipline of the Qun??? Ew. No thank you.

I know, you gotta have faceless mooks. In Inquisition we fought rebel mages for absolutely no good reason but that they attacked us. In da2 thugs literally fell from the sky. But the absolutely comprehensive way in which the Antaam never spoke for themselves, as actual people... Wow.

Imagine. Imagine if we could have actually negotiated an agreement with a group of them, for that final battle. Would that have been so impossible? To fight mages?! Imagine if we'd had a former Antaam companion. Imagine if he'd been mulling over what the Arishok, Sten, the OG proof that qunari are NOT animals outside the Qun, said before the Antaam rebelled.

Mythal: basically a nice mother goddess!

What. What. What.

In this, the culmination of her sins, the finale of Solas' millennia of taking the blame for shit she set in motion, Mythal is... Flat as hell. Millennia of her scheming. Surviving. Using and abusing her children, arguably using and abusing Solas, seducing and manipulating and whatever it takes to nudge things her way. And now she's just... Kinda imperious I guess? And Morrigan just has her memories and nothing is bad about that ever. Huh.

The thing is, I was never against Mythal, in all her complex nastiness. We didn't know what her game was! I just wanted to know! What made it all worth it? What was the plan?

Well I guess the plan was--nothing? Don't worry about it. I guess.

Side note, the design work on the Mythal fragment was some Computer Animation Is My Passion, early 2000's Barbie straight to VHS looking shit. Profoundly disappointing. Did you even try.

Tell, don't show

Is the strange new voice in the blight coming from over there really horrifying? Or did you just say it was roughly fifteen times, but then actually it was just a big blob of Blight that you had to shoot extra times? Is the Butcher cruel? Or did Teia and Viago just tell us he was cruel with absolutely no detail whatsoever? Is Minrathous really blighted if you choose to save Treviso? Or are there just more beggars and some rubble and literally one blighted character? And so on, and so forth.

Remember that popular post not long ago, about how one of the great joys of Dragon Age was the sifting through unreliable narrators? Piecing together Avvar epic poetry and fragments of ancient elvhen runes and Andrastian canticles to try to guess what actually happened. The unique and unusual (in fiction) joy of the historiography of it all? We got to actively engage with the discovery. We got to piece together that Solas was the Dread Wolf, bit by difficult to find bit.

The fridge horror of it all could be really incredible. Making us work it out for ourselves meant that we experienced it much more intimately. It was an incredible storytelling tool.

Yeah I guess we just watch movies about it now. Just plug in the DVD Wolf statuette and now we know. And the codexes are reduced to flavor text and puzzle clues.

And last but definitely most,

Flat writing

Look man I know that's subjective as shit but it was. A lot of it was. You either agree or you don't, but for me, it was never more obvious than in the moments of contrast, when it was up to standard. The conversation with the Butcher. Every minute with Solas. Spite.

Contrast the Butcher (intense! Passionate! Creepy fucken pale face Harkonnen vibes! Deranged but genuine love for Treviso!) with the Dragon King (I don't even know what to put here. You don't even have to fight him! He just...blusters, and then there's a dragon, and then Taash shoves him and he falls over.)

It's just...I could probably forgive a lot of the stuff that went before if it was just more compellingly written.

Even here I absolutely will not be getting into character complaints. Those are too personal, and frankly I think people should keep them to private conversations. They have too much potential to hurt people for too little gain.

Sigh. I'm done now. I will try to focus on the good and the creative because I think that contributes a great deal more to everything and everyone. But for now, let me contemplate what could have been.

[mooncoveythoughts]

Love Interests and Conflict - XO Kitty

Sadly, in the XO, Kitty fandom your opinions about who to ship often gets minimized and attacked in strange ways. I'm a bisexual woman and I whole heartedly ship Kitty with Min Ho.

Why?

Not because Min Ho is hot. I mean he is, but let's be honest Yuri is also gorgeous. I am not sure what that family did to produce such attractive and talented actors. It worked.

Not because I think Kitty never had feelings for Yuri or Dae. She certainly did, but those relationships either ended or faltered due to a lack of emotional intimacy and/or developed trust issues.

The reason I ship Min Ho and Kitty has to do with the way they handle conflict and emotional intimacy. As someone who has battled anxiety and co-dependent friendships/relationships, conflict is where you see power imbalances and emotional safety. Kitty is, at this moment, consistently emotionally safe with Min Ho after Episode 5, Season 1. This is when their connection began.

So let's look at the analysis of how each of the love interests handle conflict.

Kitty

Kitty, I suspect, because honestly she reminds me of myself in many ways, suffers from anxiety and overthinking. This is why most of the time with conflict she wants to handle it NOW and tackle it HEAD ON, because someone with anxiety cannot stand the amount of discomfort they feel when they feel they have done something wrong or when a relationship feels unstable.

You see this with everyone she interacts with. She wants to confront Yuri with things that maybe she might not be ready for. She wants to talk to Dae about her coming out and provide context for the break up that he might not be ready for. Or confront Min Ho about not talking to her.

Another thing she does in conflict is that she internalizes conflict. She easily can make it a character flaw about herself rather than a mistake. This can cause her to spiral and to question her own 'goodness' and 'worth'. You see that in the scene with the hot tub and many of her talks with Min Ho, her dad, and Peter. Those are the only people on the show where she has allowed her spiral to be seen in a vulnerable way and not a chaotic way.

So what does she need?

Someone who can set clear boundaries.

Someone who speaks to her actions and not her character.

Someone who does not withdraw care when angry.

Someone who does not mind talking things out when both parties are ready to do so.

Dae

The scene in the library during Season 1 after Yuri told him about Kitty sharing Min Ho's poopy baby secret stands out. Dae has every right to be upset that Kitty would share a secret like that. After learning this though, he becomes visibly angry and he makes a moral judgment about Kitty. She cannot be trusted. Instead of talking it out with her about why that was not okay and recognizing that one mistake does not mean that she cannot keep a secret. To be fair, there is other context here, but it is something that we have seen him do with Min Ho and Eunice too. He gets disappointed then makes it a character flaw in the other person without fully addressing why he is upset or what he needs. Or letting the other person explain.

The other scene was finding out about Yuri. Now, again, every right to be heart broken. But he allows his anger to take over him in a way that makes it seem like his affection is easily lost. You see it with Min Ho as well as he is quick to say they are no longer friends. That is a big thing to say even in the middle of an argument. If you always say that in conflict (like threatening divorce), the more you get in conflict with that person the more you feel unsettled. Why? Making mistakes does not equal a fight it now equals losing someone you care about. It is this reaction, that will, I think, make Min Ho dating Kitty feel like a bigger choice. Dae threatens to not be friends when things do not go perfect.

Why is this bad for Kitty?

Hard to communicate when someone has a hard time communicating. He does not like to be confronted with things he does not want to hear. He has a hard a time confronting unless mad. I do think he is quick to throw out ending a friendship during a fight which stifles emotional intimacy.

Yuri

Season 1, Episode 8. The fight during the fan dance is a very telling picture of conflict with Yuri. She is upset with Kitty for keeping Alex a secret from her. Again, not saying she should not be angry. She totally is allowed to be. However, she has the fight in a public space (not the time). Kitty points out that Yuri lied to her as well and they were able to move past it. Meaning? They should talk it out. Yuri then tells her 'they were friends' and then when she was literally on fire... walked away from her. This shows emotional impulsivity. Her anger needed to be expressed now even though this was not the right time and she is willing to threaten affection. Then literally leaves her friend in a potentially dangerous situation.

Season 2. Yuri and Kitty's kiss. Both of them are involved in that kiss and both deserve some blame. The way Yuri handled the situation though was very telling and concerned me. The first moment of concern was when she pulled Kitty aside and literally told Kitty how she felt then asked her to keep it a secret. Those are two very, what we call, toxic relationship/friendship red flags. No one should tell anyone how they feel and no one should be asked to keep a secret that makes them feel shameful. Then when the secret came out, Yuri, pretty much stopped talking to Kitty. She had her reasons... but it would been nice if she sent a text or made a phone call to verbalize that to Kitty. Otherwise, it feels mean and selfish.

Why is it bad for Kitty?

Silent treatment without explanation is horrible for anyone who might have a hint of anxiety. She lashes out and can be mean in conflict. Also, for anyone who said that writers did Yuri dirty in Season 2... really needs to re-watch Season 1. Nothing Yuri did surprised me, because it felt in character from Season 1 Yuri. This is the thing she needs to work on and what Alex was trying explain all Season 2 to her. There was no glorious sunshine which was tanked in Season 2. Yuri was on this train and needed something BIG to wake her up and the cheating story was the way they chose to wake her up. She is a great character and no doubt will grow, but she has a lot of red flags that she needs to work on.

Min Ho

There was a moment in Season 1 that Min Ho could have chose to be mean or to make Kitty feel bad. Kitty ruining Min Ho's Madness party. He did not make her feel bad just acknowledged it sucked then moved on with his life.

The main conflict between Kitty and Min Ho was about Stella. Now, Min Ho was totally wrong and Kitty was totally right. Yet, Kitty never hung being right over Min Ho's head which is super healthy and very nice to see. But... in the moment of the conflict Min Ho felt ambushed by Kitty who was dismantling the shield covering his feelings for her and also the joy of reconnecting with his father. The choice of words that he uses when being in conflict is masterclass interpersonal communication. In the moment of the ambush, he chose to react with emotional vulnerability by explaining that she helped with his family. Then as the fight continued he admitted to getting his heart broken and then brought up the idea that Kitty was jealous. He then ended the argument by telling her to not look out for him then walked away. There is nothing wrong with walking away from an argument that feels heated. That is fine. Normal. Healthy even. But, he did not say they were not friends (which he could have based on what Kitty said), instead he spoke to the idea of she didn't need to look out for him. He also did not call her names. He spoke to himself.

The second conversation about this conflict happened during class with Dae. Kitty confronts him. He does not ignore her, but instead engages. Min Ho then reinstates his boundary that he is not hanging out with her until she apologizes for what she said about Stella. He also does not call her crazy... instead speaks to her actions which is that 'she sounds crazy." Which does make a difference in a fight.

Then despite the fact that he put this boundary and is in this fight he shows up for her. He finds out that she is meeting her family and he shows up because he knew Kitty needed this to go well. This was more important than his boundary. Then at the dance, Q reminded him that his time with Kitty was running out. So, asking her to dance was more important than the boundary as well. The fight is not worth more than his connection with Kitty.

Is this good for kitty?

Yes. Min Ho (despite the lack of communication about his current feelings) is quite good at communicating how he feels. He can hold a boundary if needed. But, he never calls her names and never ever dangles the threat of withdrawing care in conflict. This allows for conflicts to feel safe. So much so that... that Kitty spent the time not talking to Min Ho not worrying about her being a bad person like she did with Dae and Yuri. Instead she had the opportunity to only focus on the fact she missed him. That working on the relationship was more important than ego or who was right. For two people... who often dream about the other saying they are right... that's kinda big. I also imagine that Min Ho does not fight in the name calling and withdrawing love way, because we have seen that his father definitely withdraws affection in conflict and berates people. So... in conflict he speaks his truth but never makes the other person feel unsafe.