#admitting to myself again that I am a he
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I’m organizing a strike against my body i did not agree to these massive badonky honkers and in response I will be taking extra good care of myself and eating well until I am healthy enough to get rid of them!! take that dysphoric depression!! >:]
#transmasc#I am only recently just#admitting to myself again that I am a he#am boy#i was raised super duper shame heavy so this has been rough#but im excited#and proud of myself for coming this far#going to set an appointment up as soon as its a weekday#if I don’t talk about this I will explode#i am boy#yay#i mean im still a gender goblin but#im starting to learn that theres gender#gender identity and gender expression arent the same and thats ok#and neither invalidate or dictate the other#its funny because I have done such deep dives into this theoretically#but just applying that to myself has been hard and slow#but yeah#he/they/it :]#also this is the first time I’ve tagged anything this personally so we’ll see if the transphobes show up so I can block them
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obsessed with villains who you just KNOW are aware deep down in their heart that they've done something unforgivable, but the only way to never admit that or face the guilt is to keep doing it over and over again until they don't feel guilty about that first time anymore
#sky speaks#i am contemplating walter white and phillip wittebane#if i never admit it even to myself#then i can go on living like this forever#phillip says as he kills his brother again#as walter white orders the death of another person 'for his family'#and sure they do LIKE the power#but i just knowww it burns sometimes
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Leo getting hit with a truth curse but instead of forcing him to admit to super sad or worrying things it’s things like “it was me who broke the remote” “I saw Mikey prank Donnie and helped hide it because it’s way funnier if he didn’t know who it was” “I rip my clothes to look more like Raph’s because he’s really cool” “my stripes aren’t even red they’re pink!”
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rise leo#plot twist he COULD be admitting angsty stuff but he’s pushing the less oof truths forward instead on purpose#raph: hey leo what do you want for dinner#leo: *about to bare his soul on all his internal torment but pivots* I’m afraid of snakes#(no but fr Leo’s stripes being technically more pink instead of red is cute ngl)#(a very reddish pink to the point that in certain lighting it looks red but at the base they’re p pink)#(i also am very fond of the idea that Leo doesn’t just have questionable taste in fashion he also just loves Raph a lot and looks up to him)#but yeah I think that something like this would be 99% Leo admitting to unimportant things or admitting to how much he values everyone#like they all KNOW Leo loves them and he’s talked them up enough for them to know but it’s different when he’s like#‘I just wanna read my comics with you guys around - it’s my favorite place to be’#or again just random bs that doesn’t REALLY have a lot of weight like#‘I like using my portals to prank random people around the world’#‘I’m worried about being a bad influence on hueso jr’#‘sometimes I kinda wanna see hypno’s plans succeed’#‘it’s been way too long since I found this out and honestly it’s embarrassing but I actually don’t have a di-‘#SORRY COULDNT HELP MYSELF#(<-but did u know that that pink rather than red observation actually ties into this headcanon as well if u know about red eared sliders)
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ever so slightly embarrassing pro tip:
eating is literally so much easier when you make imaginary friends who worry about you and encourage you to take care of yourself
#sprouts yapping#i mean whatever works works#mental health#spoonie#coping skills#self care tips#i am cringe but i am free#free from malnutrition *finger guns*#again slightly embarrassed to admit to doing this but like#there are literally only benefits here#and i am aware#and more importantly if this helps anyone figure out how to make self care easier#then it’s awesome and rad and not weird at all#i will not be embarrassed of myself if it means others will not be embarrassed of themselves for the same things#call that character development#also. for those who read tags this far:#it’s horror sans for me#not just him but as far as eating goes he’s the main guy#completely out of character considering canon horror is pretty violent#but that Does Not Matter bc my personal characterization is what helps So There
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Pinup!!!!! the baby!!!! the guy!!!!
sorry if this looks kinda iffy the majority of this was drawn between 11pm and 2:30am so i was very tired loll
also yes that is a totoro bag i dont care if totoro doesnt exist in cyber city he has a totoro bag come at me
Pinup belongs to @turntableart
#read all the tags before you reblog otherwise you will be confused#i feel like i got the body type wrong uaughhh#i feel like the proportions are inaccurate#im blaming it on the clothes i promise the sketch looked good then the clothes went and ruined it#i feel really bad admitting this but now that i think about it i literally never draw chubby characters#all my addisons are pretty long and gangly for the most part and then spamton is just very small in my style hes not really pudgy#and tbh i didnt really draw full bodies very often before addisons and spamton but my one (1) oc was also pretty long and lanky#probably because i myself am pretty long and lanky#ueuugough hauguh#i need to practice more#also i feel like the shoes look weird#im generally not too happy with it but its ok ig#i was terrified of making the features too exaggerated and being offensive and i think i went to much the other way and just made him skinn#ffs#ill draw him again i promise#and it will look better pinky promise#🤙🤙🤙 theres no proper pinky emoji#i love him tho hes cute#i really like his original design#uururuguggg#ugh debating whether i should even post this or if i should keep tinkering with it#im gonna tinker with it a bit more i will continue writing tags when im done#ok tinkering over im much happier with it now#i made him a bit shorter and that solved all my problems#i think i have a habit of drawing characters too tall ngl lmao#also not too happy with the rendering but its good enough#uh im only posting the tinkered version that im happy with so if you want the untinkered version then just ask lol#pixel art#art#turn off the lights arg
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Has anyone of this universe notice your unique pupils?
I mean... we got a ton of hybrids and glitched codes out here. Not even just Minecraft; you see this kind of crazy shit online as well.
Plus, compared to some skins and eyes in VRChat models, my 'skin' is pretty 'boring', which is beneficial to me since I don't really need extra attention to myself.
@vileillusionistcure
#mcaskblog#sbbg#herobrine#/say (introduction)#rudell#drawing his eyes are always a delight tbh#theyre so... pretty. theyre weird but the kinda weird that is 'acceptable' for me personally#bc i like things to be weird and edgy but not too tacky. then again my definition of tacky for myself and others' kinda different#tldr i love his weird eyes#he doesnt hate it but he'll admit they make him slightly self conscious#esp when ppl ask#“hey man whats up with your eyes?”#because the reason behind it makes him cringe#“aw yeah almost went blind self modding them when I was younger so now this is the least i can do to em so I can s e e”#equivalent to 'i put bleach in me own eyes as a kid'#sheesh moment am i right
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FUCK YOU SUBARU
#enstars#snail is enstarsposting again#I FUCKING W O N#AND I WON'T BE WINNING AGAIN ANYTIME SOON#AND THANKFULLY IT IS NOT NEEDED TO DO IT MORE THAN ONCE#THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS NOT WORTH 100 GEMS#I WAS BEATING HIM BY ACTUAL LIKE#0.02 SECONDS#THIS IS SO UNFAIR#i mean i admit i put myself at a disadvantage by. never ever reading the story#and therefore not knowing what half the cast sounds like when not singing.#BUT STILL#why is subaru so good at karuta#i am willing to accept the headcanon that he just has this hidden talent for it#and that he stomps trickstar in karuta every new year#also anzu as a sore loser who challenges him over and over again#that'd be funny#he loves her but does he love her enough to let her win? that's the real question.
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South park fan
#alas….unfortunately I am#ask#anon#tag edit: oof yeah probs shouldn’t have rambled in the tags about writing sp fics on that prev post op got mad at me :(#in all fairness I used to be the exact same way and then I actually watched the show#and then begrudgingly had to acknowledge the writing was actually good#the show has a lot of shitty ppl who are fans but the reasons they like the show#like using Cartman’s antisemitism to justify their own bigotry#are 1000% NOT the same reasons I like the show#it’s very hit or miss and some eps are absolutely vile but the ones that hit#have some damn good writing. there’s a reason why trey parker is so prolific. the guy knows his shit#not only in tv writing but songwriting and writing the book of mormon#which won best musical so. you have to admit he’s talented at his craft even if some of the shit he writes makes me wanna throw up#because he specifically wrote it to make the audience uncomfortable. he and matt stone are provocateurs#but if you listen to the commentary or see the show beyond a surface level you’ll see it has a surprising amount of heart#I know that’s shocking for a non-fan for me to acknowledge that but. idk man don’t harass me over it you can block me if you’re#that uncomfortable#ok tag ramble over#FUCK TAG EDIT AGAIN: yeah I deleted my reblog op was getting upset and I don’t wanna invite harassment towards myself or him#I’m not about to fuck with anti sp ppl esp minors I don’t have a death wish
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Uhhhh bipolar Harry du Bois. Is that anything
#vu's posts#disco elysium#ok so i'll admit that i myself am not bipolar (at least i'm pretty sure that i'm not)#but like#i DID grow up with two relatives with it and just. idk#as i was playing de i was seeing a lot of those relatives in him yknow?#the way he goes from a really high high and can just be the most productive and optimistic person ever#to violently crashing down into a depressive spiral#and all of that happens so erratically#idk it just reminds me a lot of seeing my relatives' mood swings growing up yknow?#now again. i myself don't have bipolar. so i could be totally off with this headcanon#if anyone with bipolar (who's played the game of course) has any thoughts about this then feel free to sound off in the notes
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Love VS submission, control and freedom/going wild
#iasip#it's always sunny in philadelphia#always sunny#macdennis#macden#analysis#meta#this script whispering will not click as easily i feel like. i still feel like im piecing it together myself#it's a double point. let me explain however i can.#dennis has always been the man on top. the man with the most control. he doesn't want this. he wants mac to fight back#while for mac the appeal is the exact opposite. he likes the idea of submissing another man. taking control#by establishing mac as the subservient one and dennis as the one in control. but them both desiring the exact opposite#when the roles get flipped between them (by love!) you got to watch the process. you know. girls gone wild#dennis losing control and mac taking it. but especially the first... because actually. hes wanted to for a long time#the chop thing is that. like. him going to ND was his attempt to get that feeling he craves somewhere else#because mac wasn't understanding what dennis was going for!!!!! he wants mac to fight back. he provokes him constantly#he wants that old vinegar to boil again#hewants mac to say no. he wants mac to not want it. he wants mac to take it. he doesnt want to admit he wants it. am i painting the picture#it's never gonna ''happen willingly'' but it'll happen when it looks like they both want it the least. during a fight perhaps#theyre complex ok nobody said this would be easy#parallels
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it isn’t the end of the semester but i’m already having my end of the semester breakdown oh my GOD I am going to have a heart attack. sprite save me
#nothing is done!! not my applications not my interviews etc#I am running out of time to graduate in June and I could just graduate in august but then I have to admit to my family that I fucked up bad#it takes 3-6 weeks to get IRB approval I need to step on it#it’ll take at least 4 for my paid leave forms for work to go through and I don’t know if it’ll get approved#and if it does when do my benefits start#I feel like an idiot where those forms are concerned because it needs an occupation code and I don’t know if it’s specific#or if I can just select the one that best matches my job description and I can’t find that info anywhere#my body is literally shutting down I have two golf ball sized tumors and I can’t get out of bed but I can’t sleep#my car is kaputt and I have to call several different shops to get it seen because the one I took it to couldn’t fix it#and is any of it worth it!! is any of it!!#I cried for like three hours today bc I tried to talk to my mom about it and. well. she was very much a mom about it and not helpful#like yeah! obviously I want to graduate in June! but my research isn’t even approved because I haven’t been able to get myself#to complete the application for the last six months! Jesus Christ!#I can’t sleep and I’m so tired I’m so so tired my brain just straight up isn’t working!#I swear to god if I finally meet with my advisor and he does his well you don’t seem to need my help bullshit again#I’m gonna actually snap and kill him#anyway. need to do three things by end of Wednesday. just three things#clean. irb. and paid leave. that’s it that’s all.#it’s what I’ve tried to do the last four days and I’ve accomplished none of it but. Jesus Christ it’s gotta get done#FOUR THINGS I have to call the shop to get an estimate for a car I’m not even going to bother to fix#ok vent session over#delete later#fkdjdjshhaa im a MESS#sprite save me 😭#save me sprite. save me
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im playing the game on god mode because i want to have fun! (it took me a full year to concede that i wasnt very good at the game and i wasnt progressing at all and it routinely brought me to frustrated tears)
#im not very good at video games but i cant admit that to myself half the time. hell#this is ab hades btw i am SHOCKINGLY bad at it. ive only beat hades once and ive been playing the game for SO long and it's so frustrating#because i get up to him every single run! and then he smacks the shit out of me#so im breezing through everything and then he kicks my ass#but i just want to meet my mommy again :(
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i C u moyle
captured in 4k
#i REFUSE to admit defeat at the hands of the umich boys#except i did verbatim send a text to my roommate that said ‘bro stop he’s disgusting i’m so in love with him’#after fully watching a trail of spit come out of his mouth while he was bent over to take a face off. i am Down Bad#also nolan never keeps his tongue in his mouth my dude is just out there full 👅 all the time i can’t stand him close ur mouth or i’ll kiss u#nolan moyle#ethan edwards#philippe lapointe#relatedly duker skates EXACTLY the way he runs in the monday videos which is how i identify him at all times & i almost started wheezing#if i knew how to make gifs there would be gifs of nolan stickhandling however i don’t Know how to make live videos gifs ☺️#deep cuts from the draft dumpster dives#is this from two different games? the world may never know (yeah. do i remember exact dates for either of them? no of course not)#we’re just getting close to the end of the season & i am succumbing to my desire to post Him#also inCREDIBLE nemcklance content in the second picture (not of nolan) 🫠#nemcklance#things i am not proud of: my reaction 2 this. everyone shhh i’m allowed one breakdown about a dirtbag per quarter & i haven’t seen mo enough#like most days i do not want to be a puck bunny but sometimes u lock eyes with a man & go ohhh the hoggles are glued on for you ✊😔 buffooner#trying 2 undo my internalized misogyny! by allowing myself 2 say i can be a valid sports fan who likes players! sorry about it! idk why him!#it is 1000% because of la’s umich fic & all the lore though. most likely. also apparently i’m a crustasche lover 😪 the struggle is real#if u loved me u would have stopped at the tag about nolan drooling on the ice & we will never speak of this again (said by someone who will)
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ive inherited a copy of lolita from my parents (i.e. i stole it from the library in our basement and started treating it like its mine) with the 1989 vintage international cover and i think its actually not that bad. better than the 50th anniversary one with the lips anyway imo (which is the cover for the library ebook vers ive checked out).
like i think any cover that incorporates the "only convincing love story of our generation" quote anywhere kind of sucks on principle, and the fact that it features a photo of a girl at all really goes against nabakovs instructions, but compared to other covers that break those two rules, the haziness of the photo creates a really evocative atmosphere i feel matches the book more or less.
#im keeping most of my lolita thoughts to myself because i know it can be an uncomfortable book to talk about when#not intentionally trying to engage with it but. good lord ive highlighted a lot!#mostly stuff where H.H. is being a lying little bastard even in his narration#theres also this passage in ch14 after he um. 'stole the honey of a spasm' when dolores sat on his lap (not a fun passage to read lol!)#where he goes: What I had madly possessed was not she‚ but my own creation‚ another‚ fanciful Lolita—perhaps‚ more real than Lolita;#overlapping‚ encasing her; floating between me and her‚ and having no will‚ no consciousness—indeed‚ no life of her own.#(end quote. forgot quotation marks) which ohhhhh my god. subtlety is for losers lmao.#H.H. IS VERY VERY BAD AT MAKING HIMSELF LOOK GOOD DESPITE HIS BEST EFFORTS.#he claims he memorized charlottes confession of love perfectly and had conveyed in on paper perfectly#but also he completely skipped parts of it (including where she talks about her late son) and inserted the line:#'you would be a criminal--worse than a kidnapper who rapes a child.'#yes. im sure she said that. to the letter.#or when hes like i didnt marry charlotte with the intention to (extremely detailed grusome murder plan). but ill admit. i thought about it.#and then she oh so conveniently gets run over by a car when she discovers his journal. yeah. sure. right.#SORRY again i havent been Posting My Thoughts on it but i am having thoughts on it in general.#it really is a beautifully worded book though. its got great prose. makes the actions worse almost because its filtered through this#dreamy artistic self-justification. which - to go back to the original point of this post - i feel this cover conveys well LMAO#its so much better than the movies oh my god head in my hands#jumping between the most 2008 musical to ever exist‚ legally blonde fanfiction‚ and a controversial literary classic. im versatile.
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starting a new job tomorrow (monday) morning and am feeling about 72 (million) different things all at once because of it
#scared - so scared i will mess this up too#scared no one will like me#scared i will not be good at this#afraid i will hate the job#what if something happens to make me late - like witht he car tomorrow#just - it's new and there are so many unknowns and i don't like unknowns - they're just SCARY#and i don't want to eat lunch alone and i feel like i'm going to be and rn it's not a comfortable alone - it will be in time i know#but rught now it doesn't feel like alone by choice - it feels like alone by dint of ew no one wants to eat lunch with you - which sucks#and my aunts - or one of them anyway sent congratulations to me via one of the people i live with - who are speaking to them more than i am#the last time the aunts corresponded with me - it was via text abd they basically did tough love intervention style texting#which - they had every right to say how they felt - and i think they were right about some things#but it also felt like they were kicking a puppy when it was down - and well - i was the puppy being kicked#so when i got the job and one of the friends i live with asked if i would call my aunt(s0 to tell them i said no#i know they love me but i'm not interested in putting myself in a position to feel lambasted again#you saying you're proud now doesn't mean much any more - i needed you to say that you loved me then#that you knew i was messing uo but that you loved me regardless and you knew i could do better - not the yelling at via text that i got#you don't get both - i can't handle both. so yes fine i know you love me but it's going to be from a distance#and i love you too in some kind of way - one that right now is hurt and sad because i don't think you care how i feel at all#but i am trying to do right and do better - and i don't want to do things from spite but#i admit there is a part of me that when i get to better place - i want to be able to say - no i'm not contacting them bc idgaf#but i also know that's not likely to be true and isn't kind and not how i realy want to live and be#and wow that really turned into one hell of an emo tangent#anyway - i'm stopping myself now - i got some catharsis there and i need to get ready for bed so i won't be a total mess in the AM#if anyone has actually read this all please wish me luck - i could use it#and i know i will have to make the luck on my own anyway#i just keep thiking of- what if i fall? but oh my darling what if you fly?
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#sometimes I think to myself. what a heartless bitch I am.#my ex basically admitted that he's v depressed about our breakup and me? I feel fine#but then I remember how many times I have bitched and moaned about one thing or other related to the breakup or ex himself#on tumblr dot com of all places#and then I think you know what maybe I'm not all that fine actually dsjkfdslkfl#almost 4 years!!!!! 4 years down the drain#I know that's not how it works but that's how it feels#all the plans all the shit I got from my parents all the enduring and the suffering#for nothing??#and like not to actually sound like a heartless bitch#but I kinda wish I could back to 4 years ago and tell myself to stand my ground and NOT get in a relationship with him#and I knew I KNEW from the get go that the relationship was not viable#I found diary entries from years ago bemoaning the exact same things over and over again#I was wrecking my brain how to move to fucking canada when I had zero resources to do so!!#I was somehow supposed to make the impossible happen all by my lonesome!!#I was begging BEGGING him to take on SOMETHING#take *something* off my shoulders#but nooo I was supposed to somehow get money for a college in canada bc my bachelors wouldn't work there apparently#get into said college and then work for a year to get a card or whatever#and he wanted to do 50/50 on the rent and expenses!!!!!!!!#like bitch this is all for YOU#I wouldn't move across the ocean for shits and giggles we're talking about leaving everything behind for YOU#and he was like 'well your parents should be helping you' BITCH????#my parents were so SO pissed about the whole situation#not only were they not helping at all whatsoever they were actively hindering my progress!!!!!!! my mom literally admitted to it#in the middle of a heated fight it just slipped out and I REMEMBER it even though she denies ever saying it now#YOUR parents put you through college. I got in on a scholarship. my parents literally told me they wouldn't be able to afford to pay#YOU are still living with your parents in a three storey house that they own standing to inherit all ur dad's businesses#I was living in a two bedroom apartment with my parents and a sibling standing to inherit shit we are NOT the same#nnnnggghhhhhhh this is so much I cannot even
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