#a bunch of other ships that consume my life

[heyyy-its-kayyy]

I need more writing friends to talk to 😮‍💨 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

[stu-dyingstudent]

Sakura Haruno fic recs: romance-centric

I, like many others, definitely enjoy a a good romance every so often. All of these recs are going to have the romantic development of the characters as the forefront of the story, so just because the fic includes a ship doesn't mean it will go on the list. That means, many of them might feel more on the slice of life side of the spectrum, but that's not the case for all!!

There is going to be a mix of ships here so if you're interested in one in specific then use the search feature!

Started: 2024.08.28

Last Updated: 2024.09.28

note: feel free to check out my master list which has a bunch of Sakura Haruno fic recs (all organized)!

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To Build a Home - RedPowder || ao3 || E || kakasaku || canon divergence || ongoing

Sakura and Kakashi are assigned a mission that will change the path of their lives forever.

Kakashi and Sakura are forced to marry on orders from the village and I know that description sounds dumb, but trust me when I say this fic is gold. I've always had a hard time with kakasaku fics because I feel the whole teacher/student thing gets swept under the rug too easily, but that's not the case here. Their past relationship from team 7 is a glaring shadow over their marriage and the guilt over the whole situation weighs heavy on Kakashi. This mission isn't easy for either of them and it takes a lot of pull and tug to ensure things don't completely blow up. To Build a Home is probably one of my favorite takes on this ship as the portrayal feels realistic and the character feel accurate to themselves. Just give it a go!

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Approaching Sun - ANerdInAllHerGlory || ffn || T || sasusaku || blank period || ongoing

After 2 years, Sasuke returns to the village where friends anxiously await him. Still troubled by the mysteries of Kaguya and his personal guilt, Sasuke is split between friends and his journey. Troubled by rising casualties and international dependence on her abilities, Sakura is torn between her love for Sasuke and her duty to her village.

Approaching Sun is probably one of the most realistic depictions of Sasuke and Sakura's relationship that I have read. This takes place during the blank period and references the novels, so it feels like an actual possibility of what went down. As much as I love them, I have a hard time believing that their relationship was smooth sailing and so I think this is an interesting take.

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The Fool - thekatthatbarks || ao3 || T || shikasaku || blank period || complete

Ino kicked at a pebble on the ground, her arms folded across her chest. “How long?” Shikamaru sighed and pulled the cigarette away from his lips. “The war." It was a lie somewhat. He’d liked her since they were kids but had simply ignored the budding crush expecting it to fade over time. It hadn’t and by the time the war came around, he accepted he would always carry it despite his increasing efforts to drop it. He’d tried drowning it in the river, burning it in a fire, covering it up with something else. But it was all to no avail. It stuck with him, always apart of him. “Have you ever told anyone? Chouji? Her?” "No."

I actually really like Shikamaru and Sakura as a pairing (or just working together in general); however, I haven't read much of them. The Fool was a great post-war read where with some meddling (curtesy of Ino) we get to watch the progression of their relationship into something more than friends.

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Nightmare in Red - Sariasprincy || ao3 || M || itasaku || non-massacre AU || complete

Haruno Sakura used to think the eyes were the windows to the soul, but after witnessing the horrors of the Sharingan firsthand, she's convinced they are the doors. It was pure chance that led Sakura to the discovery of the disease eating through Uchiha Itachi's lungs and now that she's aware, she knows she cannot just turn a blind eye. But how is she to treat the very man who tortured her while at the same time keep her nightmares from consuming her? That she doesn't know, but she knows she has to try, even if it nearly kills her in the end.

Itachi unintentionally captures Sakura in his mangekyou after being rolled into the hospital for her to heal. While Sakura tries to work through the impacts of the genjutsu she continues to work with him in an effort to cure him of the disease infecting his body. I actually really liked how the whole thing played out. Itachi's sickness was sort of a mystery in the original series and so I found it rather interesting to see what was done in regards to it. Anyway, I love their interactions and Shisui is (like always) a great character as well.

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Blind - ObsidianSickle || ffn || sasusaku || T || canon divergent || complete

It was almost time, Orochimaru was going to take his body as a vessel. He hated being used...he refused to be used. With that thought, he took the kunai in his hand and slashed across his eyes.

I won't lie, Sakura is pretty weak in Blind and the whole thing is super cheesy, but it's still an enjoyable read.

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Ghosts - ElegiesforShiva || ffn || sausaku || M || blank period || incomplete

In love and loss, it often comes back to family, and Team 7 had always been fated, hadn't they? Deny it as she may, Sakura finds her heart strung to them with an uncanny reverence and the weight of their ghosts. Sakura-centric. Heavy, heavy angst. Slow burn Sasusaku. Canon pairings. Lots of friendship feels. Eventual (consensual) lemon.

Ghosts is a pretty dark read where basically everyone is suffering. Sasuke and Sakura in specific have an especially hard time coping with their individual struggles yet they find comfort in each other. Check TWs before going in

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Home is Where the Heart is - DeepPoeticGirl || ffn || sasusaku || T || blank period || complete

And with every moment together, they get just a little closer, a little more comfortable with each other. Fall a little more in love. Post-war. Pre-epilogue.

This fic is actually adorable! Taking place during the black period we get to see how Sasuke and Sakura's relationship slowly progresses. If you've always wondered what their travels were like then definitely check this one out.

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In Times of Peace - SouthSideStory || ffn || sasusaku || M || blank period || canon divergent || complete

The war is over, and like Konoha, Team 7 has rebuilt itself from the ground up. Everything has changed, but Sasuke and Sakura remain much the same. Eleven years, she thinks, is a long time to be in love.

Sakura and Sasuke have like a secret relationship going on. Also, Sakura as a jonin sensei is so good!! I really wish that someone from the original cast actually went down that route, but whatever.

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Labyrinthine - FM_White || ao3 || itasaku || M || canon divergence || complete

ItaSaku (Post Uchiha Massacre) AU: Some things are destined to be. It just takes a couple of tries to get there.ItaSaku. Light KakaSaku.

I actually really liked how this was done as team 7 is still a family, Sasuke didn't lose his mind, Itachi picked a much more respectable path imo, and the characters are all adults.

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Only a Crush by Gingersoup || ao3 || kakasaku || M || canon divergent || complete

It was supposed to be an easy, fun night out. She never intended to wake up in her sensei's bed, half-naked and with no memory of what happened the night before! As she tries to unravel the mystery of that night, something sinister is growing beyond the walls of the Leaf Village... and what was only a crush spirals wildly out of control.

Sakura is unwillingly thrust into the world of illegal drugs, trafficking, and sex all while coming to terms with her new feelings regarding her former sensei. I typically don't like kakasaku, but I think this work is done tastefully well. The characters are both adults and the immorality of the relationship is not ignored, so be prepared for a lot of "we can't," "this is wrong," etc.. Anyway, Sakura is an absolute powerhouse and I thoroughly enjoyed the relationship between all of the different characters and villages!

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Dreaming's End - thepiedsniper || ao3 || T || kakasaku || canon divergence || complete

Sakura didn't avoid the Infinite Tsukuyomi with the others, and all the events that happened afterward were simply the product of her dream-state. When Sakura finally wakes up from years spent in her personal "paradise," she must to learn how to start again. Kakashi is there to help her. ~*~ (TWs for genjutsu-related unreality)

Basically, imagine the entirety of Boruto was Sakura's dream in Infinite Tsukuyomi. When Sakura manages to breakout during the war she's left to deal with serious ramifications of the life she just lived. She finds herself constantly questioning what's real and Kakashi tries to help her through it.

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Mamihlapinatapai - FM_White || ao3 || E || itasaku || canon divergence || ongoing

Mamihlapinatapai・Yagan. (n.) a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire, but which neither wants to begin In which Sakura tries her hardest to raise one hell of a rambunctious baby by herself, Sasuke is searching for something unknown, and Itachi is the uncle.

In another life where Itachi doesn't end up dying and instead tries his best to help Sakura raise his niece in Sasuke's absence. It's my head canon that everyone came together to help with Sarada just like they did for Kuranai, and so Mamihlapinatapi satisfies that thought for me. I like how Sasuke was criticized in this since as much as I understand the necessity of what he's doing, I also find it completely unfair to his wife and daughter. Itachi and Sakura form a great bond and it's all very domestic and just super fluffy all around, which I love.

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Louder than Words - SouthSideStory || ao3 || T || sasusaku || non-massacre AU || complete

Sakura hasn’t uttered a single word since the day her family died, but Sasuke is determined to hear her, one way or another. (No Uchiha massacre AU.)

Sakura gets taken in by the Uchiha family after Fugaku finds her on a mission. She's been mute ever since, but that doesn't stop her and Sasuke from forming a close bond.

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Snake Bound - shefalls || ao3 || E || sasusaku || canon divergence || complete

"You... took me with you." "That's what I said." "To Orochimaru. You took me with you, to Orochimaru." Sasuke nodded curtly and shoved the medical kit a little more insistently into her hands. Sakura accepted, and prayed to every known god that Orochimaru would ignore her existence. She should've known the gods don't listen. Now only on AO3. Sequel up.

What if Sasuke took Sakura with him like she asked? Snake Bound explores that idea and it's honestly a very uncomfortable read. Their relationship is based off of the isolation and dependency their new situation puts them in. All they really have is each other and the new bond that brings is not a healthy one.

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Armour-Sleeved Single Hit - thatdamnuchiha || ao3 || T || madasaku || time travel AU || one-shot complete

Sasuke always told Sakura she was weak. Even after she trained with Tsunade for years he only had eyes for Naruto whom he considered strong. She would forever be invisible to him no matter how many mountains she toppled.Being a member of Team Seven despite Sasuke’s refusal to acknowledge her meant she got herself into her fair share of sticky situations. Getting stuck a hundred odd years in the past had to take the cake though.But she was just a weak little girl and compared to the shinobi of old she’d be ridiculously pathetic. Sasuke had said she was weak to him – a modern day shinobi who hadn’t been forced into battle after battle like they did in the Warring Clans Era. Obviously she’d be nothing more than a spec of dirt in the eyes of the Founders.

Sakura manages to find herself in founding-era Konoha! While trying to prove that medical ninja are capable fighters she unknowingly gains the affection of Madara Uchiha. After all, the Uchiha find beauty in strength. Super cute read!

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Always You - alex-halcyon || ffn || T || kakasaku || age swap AU || complete

[AU. Age-swap] Kakashi x Sakura. From academy days to the third shinobi war and beyond, Kakashi and Sakura grow up and fall in love.

Basically, Sakura takes Rin's place on the old team 7. The progression between the character is quite interesting as it definitely isn't smooth sailing for Kakashi and Sakura. However, even through everything they find themselves drifting towards each other. Pretty cute imo.

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interim - stannide || ao3 || T || sasusaku || blank period || one-shot complete

Sasuke lives with Sakura in the weeks after the war.

Interim is such a wholesome read where Sasuke and Sakura rekindle their former relationship. Super fluffy

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Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Tozette || ao3 || T || sasusaku || blank period || one-shot complete

Sasuke is actually eighteen the first time he looks at Sakura and realises abruptly that he wants her.

I think we all know by now that Sasuke has always been attracted to strength, power, so why not when it comes to romance? Essentially, one day on a mission, Sasuke discovers he has a strength kink. Watching him continuously get flustered throughout the fic because of his admiration towards Sakura's strength is so entertaining. Really fun read

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the problem with how time works - MurderMittens || ao3 || E || kakasaku || generation swap AU || complete

"I don't remember you being this uncomfortable when Kakashi was nine and had a crush on you," Ino pointed out neutrally. "You thought it was flattering before." She moved to pour more wine into their glasses as Sakura exhaled sharply out of her nostrils. "Obviously! It was fucking cute when he was a kid! But now he's..." she trailed off, gesticulating feebly. Ino, taking pity on her, finished the sentence: "Now he's a stone cold hottie who looks and sounds like he'd murder the ever-loving shit out of your vagina."

Sakura and Kakashi's generations swap place and boy is it entertaining. With Naruto as his sensei, of course Kakashi has met Sakura. Now that she's back in the village after years, Kakashi decides to try his best to win her over.

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on still water - summersirius || ao3 || T || shisaku || canon divergence || complete

and sometimes, there are days without rain. —shisui/sakura

I'm actually devastated that the author decided to not pursue the plot line after about chapter 15 (it was so good too), but On Still Water is great nonetheless. Some really cute Shisui x Sakura moments

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never let 'em know your next move - MirrorImage003 || ao3 || T || itasaku || non-massacre AU || one-shot complete

six times itachi is surprised by sakura, and the one time he's surprised by his mother.

Sort of drabble style moments between Itachi and Sakura and it's honestly adorable.

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Hatsukoi - sparklyfaerie || ao3 || sasusaku || gen || non-massacre AU || complete

Sasuke leans away as the girl turns to him, and his mother doesn't need to be any closer to guess as to the expression on his face. The girl's body language changes in an instant, and Mikoto recognizes the posture of a little girl in love. It's kind of adorable.

Probably one of the cutest sasusaku fics I have read as Hatsukoi follows them from genin to marriage! It's told in multiple perspectives and it's full of tooth rotting fluff. You get to watch the slow progression of their relationship over time and how they grow even closer in Naruto's absence. Definitely read is you want something light!

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(oh, you'll probably go to heaven) please don't hang your head & cry - SafelyCapricious || ao3 || T || itasaku || time travel AU || one-shot complete

There’s no such thing as a good death. But Sakura faces her death without any regrets. Her dying is keeping her precious people safe — and that’s all she can ask for. So she dies with a smile, taking thousands of enemies with her. She wakes up and falls off the branch she’s laying on.

More of a pre-ship than anything actually romantic, so maybe this isn't the best for this list lmao.

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Send me some recs if you have any to share! I'm generally fine with any ship as long as the story is good :)

[herejusttosufferalong]

I was in a bit in Debbie Downer mood over the weekend, not even entertaining the thought of leaving the restaurant, but worrying about things, creating theories in my mind on how N L are on bad terms etc. A little bit in cutter mode 😉 Sorry, it was, what it was.

But I just read the replies yesterday to that one ask, where we all are from and what are we doing. And another one from the anon saying who they even are these days and how LN shipping consumed their life – same here btw.

So I just thought, look at us here in the safe little corner, that blog queen provides. We have people of all ages here, I thought me at 37 would be one of the oldest here, but then I read there are even people in their 50s and 60s here, others in their 20s etc. We have all different kind of a life going on, all kinds of jobs, all industries, all trades, some of us are stay-at-home mums, some still in school, university etc. And we are from friggin all over the world – US, Europe, Asia, you name it, we are here.

What would be the chances of such a different bunch of people meeting, all having the same emotions driving us here?

And yet, we are here. And I thought: we are here, because we looked at L N over a period of time and we all got our emotions triggered by what we saw. We saw two people just having this insane level of chemistry, the love between those wo and the potential of what they could be as a couple. Cheesy alert: we could feel this level of love and what this love might become, no matter who we are, how old we are, what we do and where we live. It brought out the same emotion, hopes and fears in all of us. And intense ones too. And it’s not a fleeting emotion either – we fight through pap walks, life guard duties, eye-roll-inducing friends posts, through the A of it all etc. – we sometimes hate it, sometimes it makes us sad, but ultimately we come here, make jokes about it, get a more level view on it from others and we emerge absolutely fine, going about our day in this restaurant and planning the menu for December.

So for us all to be in this together like this – for me this has strengthened my conviction, that we are on to something here with L N and that what we saw can not be explained away with PR. It has a whole big ass bunch of us glued to the restaurant and with us being drawn in globally, all from such different backgrounds, the power of what this is, must be real big.

So, that’s your sappy Monday sermon, be well dear endgame-believers and sorry for wording this in such a rambling way.

LOVE x

[spockandawe]

You know what I can't get enough of? Speculation about what the fictional novel Proud Immortal Demon Way says about its fictional author. Because it would be completely possible to make a story like this without that connection. I'm not sure I've read any other transmigration story where the author was a character, so just that addition adds a lot of interesting texture to the situation even without getting deep in the author's head, but it's so interesting how deep I can speculate in so many directions if I think about getting in his head.

And oh man, I could talk for AGES about how Shang Qinghua and his iconic protagonist reflect each other, but a lot of people have written about that already! Including in the medium of fic, which is my favorite way to consume that kind of crunch. So let's talk about familial neglect and mistreatment and the author's favorite character.

Honestly, when I look at how iconic this ship is, I'm astonished there aren't more hit novels where the author gets yeeted into their own book and has to navigate platonic or romantic relationships with their own characters. A lot of the parallels between Shang Qinghua and Luo Binghe are about them being alike in ugly and vulnerable ways, ways I don't think either of them likes about themselves, and regarding aspects of their personalities that I don't think they'd be happy discussing period. Like, Binghe very much hates himself, that's right there on the page. And Shang Qinghua is a ridiculous character, he's very funny, but he's also not stupid. He's very aware of who he is and what he is, and makes a decision to behave the ways he does. I'm typing this up because I was scrolling through an old chat looking for something and tripped across a conversation about shang qinghua and fawn trauma response.

He knows he does this thing! He has an easy opening to turbokill Mobei-jun while he's unconscious and decides to go the route of begging for his life and trying to ingratiate himself after Mobei-jun wakes up instead, which is a much trickier process. He says it himself, that Mobei-jun is his ideal, that he embodies everything Shang Qinghua wants to be, that etc. And that's hilarious and all, especially in light of the eventual romance and the clownery it takes to get there, but in classic svsss fashion, it also becomes a lot sadder when you add up all the pieces and see everything Shang Qinghua hates about himself.

In some ways he's an even more avoidant narrator than Shen Qingqiu, he deflects and jokes like a motherfucker, so it really is a matter of assembling all the pieces and seeing where there are gaps. But what really underscored the connection for me was Mobei-jun's reaction to parental neglect. Because that's what pushed Shang Qinghua into being an author in the first place, his parents divorced and remarried and kinda just.... forgot about him.

Mobei-jun's dad doesn't exactly do that, but he is operating without a mom in the picture, and rather than remarrying, he just chooses to ignore the thing where his shitty brother is persistently trying to kill his son. That really sucks! But Mobei-jun never shows the smallest hint of weakness or vulnerability over this, even when it would have really helped to use his words, like 'hi my uncle is coming to kill me and i trust you to protect me.' He's everything cool, aloof, arrogant, proud, all a bunch of adjectives that really do not apply to Shang Qinghua. Mobei-jun honestly looks like a boring character if you just stick to the main story, because he's so self-contained and controlled. Compare and contrast to Shang Qinghua, who accidentally outs himself as a transmigrator like two minutes after showing up and proceeds to be hilarious for the rest of the book.

(Brief aside to say that I don't think Mobei-jun is necessarily a happier or healthier person for all of this, lmao. The conversation that fawn reaction thing came from was talking about freeze (tee hee) versus fawn in response to threats or stressful situations. But that goes along with the svsss theme of people used to engaging with this universe as a fictional property coming to terms with the depth and complexity of other people's emotions and not just seeing them as simplistic not-real characters in a book)

(Additionally, this makes the ship hilarious as a take on 'opposites attract,' but also it gives me actual Emotions that Shang Qinghua's ideal who he wishes he could be, purely incidentally, he is able to value and love Shang Qinghua in a way that Shang Qinghua can't and doesn't seem to totally understand)

And what's very interesting here. Is that Shang Qinghua made these two characters, Luo Binghe and Mobei-jun. His protagonist ultimately reflects a lot of his own vulnerabilities and insecurities (secretly and quietly in pidw, much more.... overtly in svsss), and Mobei-jun corrects for his vulnerabilities and insecurities. He's the person Shang Qinghua wishes he could be, which is basically... the opposite of Shang Qinghua, to an almost comical degree. And he then gives Mobei-jun the VERY BEST plot armor he can devise. It's hard for a male character to exist near a stallion protagonist without getting swept up in rivalries/suspicions/etc and getting killed by the protagonist, but he makes sure that his favorite character is safe from these things. He's protecting the character he wishes he could be from the character whose faults most reflect his own. That is very sweet and weird and sad, and that's very reflective of the svsss experience, I think.

[aroaceleovaldez]

you're like the first blog i thought about ranting on this to but it drives me up the wall that some people treat any criticism aimed at tsats2 as being anti-ship or avoidable via just "not reading it". i dont think they realize that we're talking about a bigger issue of soulless commercialization and heavy quality downgrade of a franchise, not like. about an indie author publishing a fan book lmao

'i'll read it anyways haters gonna hate' crowd likely largely funding richard's mediocrity is sad.

I think part of it may have to do with a.) a lack of distinction in recent fandom culture between "Fandom" and "Audience" (alongside other recent fandom culture attitudes as well) and b.) so much of Rick's brand is built up exactly on parasocial behavior that a lot of fans get caught up in it. [under cut cause this got long:]

Re: The first, more recent fandom culture tends to treat "Fandom" and "General audience" as wholly equivocal. Because of this, the concepts tend to bleed into each other in a way we haven't quite seen before fandom became mainstream, and as a result we get a kind of Worst Of Both Worlds situation - a bunch of very passionate fans who have no community, create little to no fanworks themselves (only consume), and only engage at a surface level with the source material. Their only "fandom" community hub is the source material and official social media and they don't have a concept of how to exist outside it, unlike folks who are more used to older fandom culture and are self-sufficient. They have the passion and identity of classic fandom, but none of the depth, and so threats to the source material feel like threats to their community as a whole. They also just don't seem to understand that different subsections of the deeper fandom community are engaging with the material on an entirely different level, or they don't understand why they're doing that. They see no need to because they're never actually engaging with the community or source material beyond a surface level. Functionally they don't have a community. And mainstream media is actively encouraging this because it's profitable for them - they're reaping all of the rewards of fandom, minus the fact that because of the lack of actually community and support structures the entire "fandom" will only have a shelf life the same length of the source material. But at the same time this means they don't have to worry about quality or etc, because this extremely passionate side of their audience will just take anything thrown at them and it'll phase out almost immediately. It doesn't need to be good, it just needs to elicit some kind of reaction on social media. Any publicity is good publicity type stuff.

This lack of true community plus the parasocial emphasis the RR company has tends to make these types of fans double-down. Rick and co. are explicitly advertised as being both part of the "community" and integral to it. And when they've built Rick (and co) up as this moral paragon critical to both part of their identity they're very passionate about and what little of a community they have, any attack on him feels like an attack on themself. Particularly when so much of the publicity and marketing surrounding Rick right now is about his alleged activism when a lot of the criticism about him and the series is actively calling that into question with his unaddressed internalized bigotries. Acknowledging that what Rick is saying and promoting himself as versus his writing and actions don't always line up and pointing out the bigotry present in his work forces people to acknowledge and think about performative activism, which can make a lot of people very uncomfortable! It's forcing them to acknowledge "Oh, even if I'm saying all the right words and calling myself an ally, I am not immune to being bigoted if I don't address my internalized biases. My actual behavior matters." and that especially can feel like a personal attack. Especially in today's western landscape of media consumption being viewed as a moral act in itself.

I suspect this is why a lot of the retaliation against criticism of Rick and the franchise right now is "Why can't you just have FUN? You're just trying to hate for views. Don't take it so seriously! It's not that deep!" - they not only have no interest in engaging deeper in the material, but don't understand why others would, and doing so jeopardizes the foundations of what they consider the fandom. They can't fathom anybody legitimately having these criticisms (particularly not anybody who would ACTUALLY consider themself a "fan" - because their perception of "fan" is themself) because they're so resistant to digging deeper into the media/source material or the concept that anyone would for any legitimate reason (because as long as they keep it as "it's not that deep!!! it's just fun! just enjoy it you wet blanket!!!!" and take things at their word, they can feel secure in that performative aspect and not have to unpack it), and acknowledging that those criticisms exist and are valid means they have to acknowledge the franchise is flawed and imperfect, so they presume the claims are entirely superficial and the individual has ulterior motives rather than, yknow, doing what fandom does: diving deeper.

[genderqueerdykes]

Ditch Etsy for Good: A Disabled Etsy Seller's Experience

i started my Etsy store in August of 2022. I was in desperate need of income at the time, as I am disabled, and waiting for my full disability payments to come through. I currently make $245/month off of a general assistance program that's meant to "help" while you're waiting for those payments.

I needed, at the time, $900/month for my studio apartment, because I was on a month-to-month lease, and could not re-new it, as I was the secondary renter, and my abusive ex whom I could not contact was the primary renter. They needed his signature to renew the lease, or else I was on month-to-month status, which meant they could increase my rent to whatever price they saw fit at any point.

I was struggling to stay alive. I had a bunch of kandi supplies I had gathered over the years, pony beads, string, all that kind of stuff. So i accrued some extra supplies to make other types of necklaces and chokers. Keep in mind my level of poverty, and the level of inflation in 2022. I was having to accrue supplies secondhand, from thrift stores. Everything I bought and sold was upcycled, save for the few times I could afford things to fill in the gaps from craft stores.

After I gathered supplies, I went to work. I spent countless hours making all types of jewelry. Not really sleeping. Just countless hours of stringing beads, if I woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream or stress about homelessness, I would go back to work. I've been homeless before. Several times. Never lived on the street or in a shelter, but I have lived in hotels, cars, crashed on couches and have run from getting kicked out for making little money endless times.

I drank a lot of coffee and ate very little. Eating consumed time, time that I didn't have. Once I was done making things, it was time to photograph every. single. item., then edit them, and upload them to Etsy. I had to create listings for each individual item, all of which cost $0.20 to create, and again to renew when it ran out in 3 months if not purchased. There was already a start-up cost.

Shipping made my life a nightmare. Etsy charged me for each and every single label. I tried free shipping at first, as it's a huge draw for customers, but labels were around $3.69 from my state to the mainland United States at the time, creeping ever closer to $4. For anywhere else it would easily come to $10 or more, international shipping was easily $20 - $40. Even if the customer paid for shipping I still had to go through the process of purchasing a label.

This didn't account for the fact that I had to purchase printer, ink and paper at some point to keep printing these labels. Ink is wildly expensive and your cartridges run out faster than they should. They are rigged to flag as empty when they're not. This also does not account for ink and paper lost when the printer does something in error, which is often. The office at my apartment complex was willing to print labels and packing slips for me for a while, but they cut me off after a few months.

The biggest kick in the teeth was the processing time for my payments. Because I shipped my first few orders without tracking labels. Etsy put a hold on my money for the next 3 months. They would take a random amount of time to process each payment. I could never figure out the schedule. My money would sometimes take days or weeks to arrive when I set Etsy to a "daily" payment schedule. It was torture. I was sweating over not having money constantly, and missing payment deadlines left and right.

I was getting orders at every hour of the day. I didn't "clock out" of this job. I had to change the notification sound of the Etsy Seller app on my phone because when I heard it, I would panic. I wasn't excited, I was filled with dread. It was never ending, and I was constantly stressed about getting orders out on time. I never had time to rest. I didn't get days off. I was on the job 24/7. Unless you completely uninstall the Etsy app and refuse to check it fora while, you can't really clock out of this job.

This isn't even touching the fact that Etsy also takes a cut out of every single sale you make, meaning you have to jack up your prices wildly either to make free shipping reasonable so you're not losing money on each sale, or you have to play a dance of figuring out what the best balance between shipping and item costs are, which is time consuming. It's a lot of math and comparing against your niche's market.

Etsy has an ads feature, which you must again pay for, where they will run ads for your products in random banner ads and whatnot. You are charged if one customer clicks the ad, not purchases something, meaning this is a complete fucking scam. The minimum is $1/day and you are forced to subscribe monthly. You can cancel at any point, but sometimes it takes a full day for this to cancellation to go through. The Etsy Ads feature sucks ass. I received exactly 2 orders through their service and kept it on for a few weeks here and there. It's horrid. You do not receive a significant enough boost in traffic to make the investment worth it. Also consider how many people use adblockers these days. This isn't hard to see.

The amount of time you have to spend promoting and boosting your own shop, buying supplies, creating and photographic products, uploading them to the website, and everything else in between is not worth the amount of money you make. You do not turn a profit unless you are selling very high end products like fine jewelry and antiques. Anyone else in the bottom rungs loses money through one avenue or another, Etsy finds ways to make the entire process draining and expensive for the seller.

The also will not provide you a 1099 document to file your taxes for your earned income unless you have made over $25,000 in one year on Etsy, which is literally impossible unless you make, as I said, fine jewelry. The average Etsy seller does not make this much in one year. We do not make a liveable wage, yet Etsy pretends like we do.

I didn't realize how draining it was to run this store until I put it in vacation mode. I'm shutting it down as soon as I'm able to. I could not handle the pressure of orders coming in in the middle of the night. I could not handle the pressure of not being able to remember which bracelets I could wear, and which ones were up on the store. Or which ones I could give to friends freely without having to issue someone a refund because I made a mistake. The worry of sending the wrong customer the wrong product was constantly on my mind. Every review that came in made me scared I had fucked up or provided an inferior product. I was distraught, broken and scared.

Now I'm much more free. The piddly jackshit amount of income I made was not worth it at all. I don't think I made back the cost of supplies and I definitely was never compensated for the sheer amount of labor I put into my products and orders. Etsy just kept kicking me while I was down and now that they have made it so that you are unable to file a class action lawsuit against them, they are only becoming more tyrannical.

Etsy does not care about their small sellers. They only care about the big cash cows who bring in big views and line Etsy's pockets with the Etsy Ads program. If you're too poor too keep up they'll chew you up and spit you out. Fuck Etsy. Fuck the lack of respect for their sellers. Fuck them for holding my money randomly for 3 months because I didn't know tracking labels were REQUIRED in their eyes. Fuck Etsy for never letting me know when I was getting paid, and for paying me on such an irregular schedule. Fuck Etsy for the fucked up fees and expensive shipping labels.

Fuck Etsy for everything. Let them go. Cut the cord. Navigate to Ko-Fi or somewhere else. Let this horrid site fucking die.

[thegratefulsouth]

TWD Caryl - A Tree Fell in the Forest

I just finished watching TWD and searching a bunch tonne of stuff on this here Tumblr which I'm brand new to, and I have thoughts.

I am strangely drawn to imperfection, its beauty, and TWD sits in this place, hovering near almost faultlessness (characters), to being nearly unwatchable (where did the characters go), sometimes within the same episode. It's utterly fascinating! I am hooked! A little late, yes, but isn't that the story of my life.

I honestly have not felt this way about characters since the late 90's, when my 17 year old Willoz shipping heart waited desolately for Oz to return, and ... we all know how that turned out. Ah, shipping. I literally had not shipped a single ship since that day. Until I watched The Same Boat. TWD has some pretty special characters. Though I love Bojack and Ozark and Travis Fimmel's Ragnar, I did not feel compelled to examine the inner workings of those beautiful humans/humanoids beyond the show.

There I was, happily not shipping a ship, apart from my own relationship with my own beloved, which I ship ecstatically every day. (This is the kind of ramble I can indulge in when I think readership will be non-existent). Got another ship in!

Anyway, my point is that a Caryl romance is clearly canon, even though the relationship isn't (yet?).

I didn't actually fall in love with Carol until she listened to my urgent pleas to take care of the Wolves at the start of season 6. I should point out that I have ADHD so I didn't always have the dopamine? Emotional regulation? Focus? To listen to all of your speeches, Rick, or to watch entire episodes devoted to new characters, Tara, Magna, Alpha. So, apparently, I missed entire stuff.

Even after "C'mere", I just thought Carol and Daryl had this extremely unique soulmate bond, like that of Ragnar and Athelstan in Vikings. It is an extremely rare and unique portrayal of a transcendental devotion that cannot be likened to any other kind of relationship, because there are no other relationships like it. The bind encompasses every aspect of love and support needed to utterly fulfull and complete someone.

At this point I had stumbled onto Tumblr because I realised I needed pro-Carol recaps from Carylers, as they seemed to best understand and grasp this very special character. I went back and rewatched from the beginning and I was shocked. I rewatched (and noticed for the first time) the flirting, the hesitation, the banter, the unspoken LOOKS, oh so many. Drew the links from Consumed ("I kinda like it." "Stop.") Watched interviews, waded through the mass of gaslighting that abounds, which seems to wrap itself around every subtle, telling moment.

Why? Because it's fascinating. A mystery. Pretending something that happened, did not? A tree fell in the forest and some people did not hear it. Well I didn't hear it either! But I went back and found the tree. That tree is on the damn ground.

Carol and Daryl are so in love with each other it hurts. Their romance exists. Therefore, I'm gonna ship it.

TGS

[mixu]

Hi, hope you are doing well. )

I am curious to know your impressions, anecdotes, experience of being a veteran SNS shipper. How was your experience with Naruto fandom? Has it changed? It would be great if you could talk about it.

Hi! I hope you’re doing well too. I barely receive any asks, so I’m excited.

Ah, my experiences and anecdotes being in the fandom, especially as a SNS shipper (does it count as shipping if they’re canon?) … It’s more than half of my life (I feel like I’m talking to my grandchildren) so this could get long.

I’ve been part of the fandom for 17 years, but it’s just recently that I’ve gotten to interact more with other fans both pro and anti sns. This mainly for three reasons:

Time period

When I entered the fandom internet and social media weren’t what they are today (that’s how old I am). I barely had access to internet for school and quickly read the new manga chapter before having to disconnect.

Location

Younger people don’t realize this but the globalization of manga and anime are quite recent. Now you can find merchandise even at the supermarket and a great catalogue of series is at your disposal with minimal effort. And being an “otaku” in the 2000’s was begging to be bullied at least in my country, so I preferred to keep my interests to myself.

My personality

I’m not the most social of people.

Thus, in the beginning, the fandom was nonexistent to me. It was just me, what Kishi wrote and my thoughts.

Little by little I got to interact with other people who were mainly shônen fans, and never read outside of that demographic, so there was no chance they would recognize a “non-pure shônen” even if it hit them in the face. There was not much to discuss aside from who would beat who, and I wouldn’t have been able to articulate it back then anyway, but my guts knew there was something different about Naruto. More than met the eye.

I next met a different part of the fandom in the form of fanart and fanfiction, but at that time it never crossed my mind that people would cling to those non-canon portrayals with their life. I would say most of these fans are avid consumers from other demographics that got attracted because something (the romance or the potential gayness) caught their eye, but are only interested in how to bend the characters to fit their vision. I know fanfiction and fanart are supposed to be self-indulgent, I enjoy it and write it even, but I’ve mostly managed to separate from the real thing. Not many discussions about the story as a whole (please keep in mind we were all teenagers back then).

So, none of those previous fan groups seemed to understand what I couldn’t put into words, and for the longest time, because my understanding of Naruto and Sasuke’s story was mostly instinctual, I had to go along with it. I let myself be gaslighted into believing my thoughts were just a byproduct of my fujoshi tendencies (I guess it could be right to call me fujoshi, but never due to Naruto).

After a quite long break, not just from Naruto but from manga and anime in general, I came into contact with the more educated part of the fandom in tumblr, and I finally got to put into words what was behind Naruto and Sasuke’s dynamic thanks to all of the great analysis that I found. I got vindicated and felt like I could finally live in peace but it was short lived.

When I met all the crazy antis, oh boy, I understood why ignorance is bliss.

That being said, there are indeed a bunch of obstacles between the fandom and understanding the true significance of Naruto’s story. However, not all of them are due to lack of knowledge when it comes to narrative devices and storytelling tools. I’m far from proficient in that topic and I can confidently say I got it.

Discarding those who will perpetually live in denial due to bigotry, homophobia, lack of an open mind, cultural differences, etc, and after much pondering elicited by this post of yours, I’ve come to the conclusion that the shônen label holds way more power than I originally thought. Or better say, all that shônen represents functions as the most effective reality filter.

Because Naruto was labeled as shônen:

The dudebros who only care about the power escalation won’t understand even if they are not homophobic because they came for the blattles and cool powers, nothing else matters.

The lost shôjo readers who force nh and ss into focus and think they can bend the “romance” to cater to their taste because a shonen writer would drop the ball with something as delicate. “Let Kishimoto draw his battles, we will fix the deficient love story because we know how true romance it’s supposed to look like. We wouldn’t be interfering with the hero’s story, anyway.”

All the while ignoring they are dragging a bunch of toxic tropes with them. They don’t see their pairings as failures because shôjo also has its good share of toxicity and abuse.

The fujoshi and fundashi who despite coming after the gayness, still miss the point because they do not care about the story so long as two hot men are kissing or fucking or whatever. They don’t actually believe in sns because most of their pairings are ships for fun, anything can be shipped, (pencil-senpai and sharpener-kun) so they see Naruto as a love story only under their terms but never in canon.

Then we have people that read a wider range but fail to look at the story as anything else than one written for male teenagers. Got shôjo for romance seinen and josei for more maturity, so shônen is meant for an easy quick snack.

Some of my friends, that I consider very intelligent people, way more versed in storytelling and narrative and whatnot than me, who are definitely not bigots or homophobic, still miss the point because they weren’t looking for it. They realized only after I pointed it out (I even made a ppt presentation, but that’s another story).

As for the people who understand from the beginning:

There’s of course those with the knowledge to dissect the story, and who can consciously ignore the restrictions of the labels.

Yet another group (I consider myself part of this one) that manage to bypass the rules only guided by instinct, but kept second-guessing themselves until they met someone from the previous group.

Then there’s my mother, bless her, who watches anime and loves her romances, but knows shit about manga demographics and wonders how the fuck Naruto and Sasuke gave birth to Boruto because in her eyes that little piece of shit has to be their son.

So once again, it all comes back to Kishimoto and his decision sell his soul to Jump. Was it all for fame or money? Was he too hopeful and naïve? Was it all a cruel prank?

What happened to mangakas like Tezuka? That man knew no limits.

That’s it for my thoughts on and interactions with the fandom. I think I leave my evolution as a sns stan for later if you’re interested in it.

[accidentally-in-fictional-love]

Hi! I have a request, if you’d like to write something like it, no pressure! xD

Can I get a Jack Delroy x female reader where he kind of “saves” reader who is abused by her narcissistic mother, and they bond over their shared love of Halloween/spooky things/horror movies? Maybe with some smut?

I’m in love with him and your blog is a gift 😭

I Found Love Where It Wasn't Supposed To Be - Jack Delroy/Reader

Warnings: This one gets heavy. No use of Y/N, female reader, the reader lives a very lonely and miserable life, parental abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, reader saves herself, fingering, soft smut, multiple orgasms, happy ending.

Wordcount: 15294

Summary: You lived for her, and it was all you knew. So when you suddenly start living for him as well as yourself, she can't let you have that.

Notes: This is what happens when requests get specific lmao okay so, leading up to this one I had no idea where to go with it, but as soon as I started I just could not stop. This is my longest request so far, almost tripling my other longest, so I really hope you like how this turned out, because I really locked in this time 😊💗 I also hope you don't mind all the Leo cause I love that guy lol he's always gotta be on my readers' side no matter the fic.

All your life you’d felt like you’d been running from something, and it consumed you again when your mother came into your room to tell you to start packing, you were moving to New York within the month.

You had no choice but to do it, your few possessions all neatly placed in your single suitcase once more before fitting into the moving van, a sad addition to everything your mother owned. You were an adult, capable of living on your own and getting yourself a home to call your own, no more moving, but you knew if you were to bring it up you’d just get shot down again with no chance to try again until the next move. That was just how it’d always been, your future sealed ever since you were a child and your father had walked out, unable to deal with the woman sitting beside you any longer.

She clung to you like a lifeline, draining you of everything you were in order to keep your permanent attention, but still needing more as you grew and drifted away from her. All your life she’d been moving you around as she searched for something that would never be enough, no amount of lovers able to replace that emptiness inside of her just like you couldn’t as her only child, each new city bringing her a hope that you knew could only be more misplacement as you packed up and shipped out. That’s what was happening again as she headed East, just another mark on your map as you stared out the window and took nothing in.

You would be entering your 40s in just a few years, your entire life wasted on your mother in her quest to find what she wanted that would finally set you free, but the older you got the more you accepted that she never would, and you would never be able to leave. You’d tried once, back when you were young and more rebellious, hooked on young love and ready to run away and leave it all behind, but the moment she stood between you and the door, your suitcase in hand and a bunch of miscellaneous bills in your pocket, you knew that you’d never be able to go through with it.

You’d had your one chance, and your partner had left you behind, tired of waiting for you to grow up and live your own life.

20 years had passed since then, time leaving you a shell of a person as you just stared out the car window, the moving van in your sideview mirror as it trailed dutifully behind as it always did every few years when she’d get the urge to get up and go yet again. New York was yet another miracle town where she’d surely find what she wanted this time, a mental list of all the others scrolling in your mind as you counted them down, her desire to find love changing to desiring the stardom that so many others were getting with each new city. The latest spur of spontaneity had been brought on by one Jack Delroy, a radio man who’d gotten his own break into television not too long ago, the first half of his first season a sleeper hit as his fans transitioned from audio to video and brought a wave of others with him.

She was convinced she could do the same despite having no particular talents on her own, and that was you being kind in that regard.

When you finally reached your new temporary lodgings, as you liked to call them, because she never let you settle in long enough to call any place a home, you saw with no surprise that it was even smaller than the last. Money was getting thin again, you’d need to find a job even faster than last time, more of your remaining things probably already in her mind to be sold to pay the bills. The more you moved the less she worked it seemed, her goals raising higher and higher and forbidding her from taking anything less than what she wanted, so she relied on you to do the hard jobs, ones that kept you out until the late hours bussing tables or bagging groceries. It was hard work but it kept you away from her, so you didn’t mind as much as you already scanned the newspaper snatched from the lobby to search for any available jobs.

Your room was basically a closet this time in order for her to get the bedroom, just enough room for a bed and dresser, and you just stared at the available space before deciding that a single bed would be more beneficial to you after all, your double bed having supported you for many years and through more moves. You planned on just sleeping on the couch until you could find a cheap place to buy a new one, your resignation well practiced as her queen sized bed was carried to her room, her windows overlooking the city while your single one was blocked by the fire escape crossing it.

‘It looks almost like prison bars,’ you mumbled to yourself as you put away your few drawers of clothes, but there was no sadness in your voice, not for that kind of thing anymore.

One week and 13 applications later, you got yourself a job and a new mattress, it lying on the floor until you could save up for a new frame to go with it. It was another retail job, but with it you were able to switch out some older clothes for newer, thriftier things, so you saw that as a win. Your mother continued to apply for jobs out of her league, so while you tagged new items and folded the clothes you would search the paper beside you for more hirings, jobs with higher pay and late hours so you could fill out your day as much as possible.

It was through this method that you saw that UBC Studios was looking for interns and entry-level employees, people without much experience who wanted to get into television and were okay with being coffee runners and memo takers, and you circled that ad with your marker before getting back to the freshly washed batch of shirts you were currently pricing.

As soon as you were off work you walked the 47 minutes to the studio, cabs were a luxury you couldn’t afford with bills looming over your head, but you still kept yourself looking presentable as you approached the front desk and placed the paper in front of the receptionist. She smiled widely when she saw it, apparently not too many people wanted the job so they were behind on applicants, which was great news for you as you were led down a series of hallways until you reached the correct door. A man sat at his desk behind it, a cigarette filling the room with smoke and nearly obscuring him as he shuffled through a mountain of paperwork, even more files, and three different phones. 

‘Mr. Fiske? I’ve brought someone interested in the job,’ the receptionist told him, and he didn’t even glance up as one of the phones rang, to which he quickly hung it up the moment he saw which button was blinking.

‘What job?’ he asked around his cigarette, the phone ringing again and making him groan before he unplugged the phone entirely and went back to the open folder in front of him.

‘The intern? For Night Owls?’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, I actually need to be paid, are any of those jobs still available?’ you cut in, Mr. Fiske glancing up over his sunglasses at you at the sound of your voice, like he hadn’t even realized you were already there. 

‘What's your name?’ he asked then, and when you told him he snuffed out his cigarette and motioned for the receptionist to go back to her desk. ‘We have one paying job still open for Night Owls, but I gotta tell ya kid, it'll be long, late hours and that pay ain't that good; you're young and pretty, you wouldn't want that eating into your beauty sleep, or prime party hours, would you?’

‘If not here I'll just be working somewhere else, I don't have much of a social life,’ you admitted only because you really needed the job and it was hard enough finding places that were open late and actively hiring.

‘Shame, the city's missing out,’ he mused as he searched for a file and pulled it free, sending the rest of them toppling to the floor without so much as a blink. ‘Here, fill this out and I'll take you up, the place is empty right now but I can walk you around, give you a schedule if you can be here for 11PM tomorrow night to start?’ You nodded, stunned that already you'd been hired as you took the stapled stack of papers from him right as another phone rang, and this time he picked it up. ‘Take a hint already, I'm working,’ he snapped into the receiver before slamming it down again, and while that might have scared anyone else off you were ready to deal with whatever instability he could throw at you if it not only got you more money but also out of the Lodgings for a few more hours a day. 

You finished filling out the application while he continued to go through his overwhelming amount of paperwork, a new cigarette already in his mouth and a glass of whiskey poured the next time you looked up at him. You cleared your throat to get his attention as delicately as possible, another glance over his sunglasses shot your way behind he was standing and taking the papers from you. He glanced over them just to be sure everything was in order, the file then tossed onto the only free corner of his desk before he was herding you towards the door.

‘Alright, your job'll be simple enough, just get here on time, fill whatever stupid request Jack wants to keep him as stress-free as possible, and be ready to do whatever inane bullshit I need in the meantime, you think you can do that?’ he asked as you walked, and again you could only nod as you pushed through a single set in a wall of double doors, a vibrant set coming into view before you. It was decorated in yellows, oranges, and browns, a wavy pattern painted onto the wall panels at the back, and you thought it was cozy and charming as you looked around. ‘You'll just be back here for the most part, it'll be stocked with everything you might need to grab so you won't have to learn the whole building, but sometimes I might need you to grab Jack's drycleaning, he's horrible with remembering that shit, can you drive?’

‘I can but- it's in the shop right now, so I mostly walk,’ you lied, not wanting to tell your new boss right out the gate that the reason you were walking was actually because your mother hoarded the car in case she needed it to answer any of her auditions.

‘You can use mine, I'll bring the Caddy from home and you can start driving the Brougham, you wreck it you're buying it though so keep that in mind,’ he told you before tossing the keys over his shoulder, your eyes widening at the thought of having an escape vehicle; you didn't have to sneak out the keys when your mother wasn't looking like this, a ride to freedom now in your hands as Mr. Fiske kept talking about the job, but you didn't hear a single word as your knees started shaking.

You'd wanted to run so many times when you were younger but that final failure had crushed any future attempts before you could even dream of them, your heart racing just like when you were a teenager as you gripped the keys and resisted the urge to run right then and there. She'd never have to know you'd left, it was a big city and people disappeared in it every single day, and by the time he caught on that you'd stolen his car and hit the road you'd be so far away that you could ditch it and start a new life on foot. A long-quelled hope filled you, one you thought would never return again, and when Mr. Fiske turned back to you to confirm that you were okay with every part of the job you planned on nodding your head, shaking his hand, and then never seeing your mother again.

‘Forgot my jacket, I'm doing an interview in 20 and you couldn't once pick up?’ A voice came from the side door, your hand stopping mid-reach for that handshake as you turned to see a dashingly handsome man with a scowl on his face approach you.

‘Told you I was working, here, I hired you an assistant so she would've been able to drop it off when I was done, now you don't gotta bust my ass over this nonsense anymore,’ Mr. Fiske told him as the man located and picked up his jacket from a nearby chair. He looked you over, his face softening when he noticed his arguing partner wasn't alone, and he took your outstretched hand and turned your goodbye into a greeting instead. Mr. Fiske told him your name when you couldn't speak, the man giving you the warmest smile you'd ever received in years before letting you go.

‘Jack Delroy, charmed to meet you,’ he said kindly, and in an instant your plan to leave disappeared again, not because you had to stay with your mother, but because you wanted to stay near him. ‘I suppose this can be your first task, you're technically off the clock but I'll pay you for the time if you'd accompany me to my interview downtown, I'm still getting used to all this and my thoughts are a little scattered,’ he admitted with a grin, your answer a quick yes as he led you outside and to his car, the Chrysler you were just gifted now forgotten in the lot as you stuffed the key into your pocket.

The interview was a success, the two of you going out to dinner afterwards to get to know each other better, and you understood why so many of his fans had followed his work as he relaxed you and made you laugh in what felt like forever. He wasn't just putting on an act as he talked with you, his genuine self on display for you even though no cameras were rolling, and by the time midnight rolled around and he had to sleep for the night you felt such a connection to him that you were almost sad to see him go.

‘Better sleep up tonight, we go live tomorrow night,’ he reminded you as you headed for the parking lot, but just as he was about to unlock the passenger door so he could drive you home you stopped him.

‘I don't live far, I can walk,’ you lied again, really not wanting to risk your mother seeing you get out of the car of a celebrity when she was trying so hard to be him. 

‘You sure?’ he asked just to be certain, but you didn't budge as you forced a smile and took a step back to seal the deal. ‘Alright, I'll see you tomorrow at 11, then,’ he said before waving goodnight and getting into his car, your arms coming up to hug yourself as you watched him drive away. You waited until you could no longer see him in the crowd of cars before shoving your hands in your pockets to keep them warm, Mr. Fiske's - Leo, as Jack had called him over dinner - keys hitting your fingers and reminding you that happiness was still there in that parking lot. You swallowed it down and started on the walk back home, only getting lost a few times as you navigated the streets for the first time. It took a while but you were getting a better grasp of the place with each new location you traversed, which streets were familiar and which led to Broadway, and how you'd be able to get from your first job to the studio without wasting too much time.

You updated your mental map as you climbed the stairs to get home, no dinner waiting for you since your mother had already eaten hours ago and it was on you to feed yourself as an adult, but thanks to Jack you weren't hungry for once, the apartment dark as you headed right for bed and dreamt about brown eyes and kind smiles.

For once you were finding yourself to be happier as you went between jobs, the retail surprisingly easy despite the influx of customers so you never got a second to think about your mother, and then when you were done you napped in the back of your car until it was time to help Jack. You were never in front of the camera, which was good because that meant you were safe from your mother's gaze as she surely stayed up to watch the success that she craved, but sometimes you almost wanted to go out there to stand with him, take place in something that wasn't just working to live and then living for your mother while she drained every last emotion from you in her journey for attention. 

You didn't indulge, just watching the monitors safely from the back as you munched on crew snacks, your job much easier than Leo had made it seem; Jack was so easy to work with he rarely asked you for a thing, and only once did you end up needing to leave as Leo grabbed your shoulder. He nodded towards the door, silently wanting you to follow, and you set down your little paper plate before getting up and letting him lead the way. He didn't stop until you reached the hallway, no threat of his voice carrying as he leaned in close and lowered his voice.

‘Alright, listen, it's Jack's birthday tonight, and he thinks I forgot cause he's gullible but I need you to run out and grab everything on this list before he's done so we can all celebrate at my place, you think you can do that in the next 45?’ he asked in a hushed whisper, absolutely no one around to hear and spoil the surprise as you looked at your watch and steeled yourself.

‘I can, I've done more in less time,’ you promised, and he gave you a pat before handing over a bunch of cash.

‘Good, leave it in the car and we'll keep it a surprise til we get to mine; I really need you to ham it on tonight, make it seem like this is all your idea until we get there cause otherwise he won't believe it for a second,’ he informed you, and while your acting was rough you still knew you didn't have to feign excitement when it came to him. He let you go then, the two of you separating as you hurried for your car, your heart racing at the thought of finally being able to drive it just for him. 

You made quick work of the list thanks to Leo telling you exactly which store held everything, his soft spot for Jack that he constantly denied having coming in handy as you perused the aisles with great speed and checked everything off one by one. You felt almost giddy for the first time in years as you checked out the cards, this one not on the list, but you wanted to give him something personal as you glanced over them until one caught your eye; it was a child's card, so the age on it was wrong of course, but as you picked it up and looked inside you couldn’t contain your giggle at how perfect it was. 

You added it to the cart and headed for the register, your watch telling you that you were making great time, but just as you got in line to check out you heard something that made your blood run cold: ‘Aren't you supposed to be at work?’ It was your mother, who was supposed to be at home watching Night Owls, her own small cart filled with things as she got in line behind you. ‘What are you doing buying alcohol? Since when do you drink?’

‘I, uh…’ you stuttered as everything was rung up, her eyebrow raising when she saw the card be scanned. ‘It's my boss’ birthday, so I was sent out to get a bunch of stuff for the party, I was going to call and say I'd be home late,’ you explained without going into too much detail, the cashier totaling it up and telling you what you owed. You pulled out Leo's money without a thought, your mother’s eyes widening when she saw it.

‘Where did you get all of that? I've been starving myself so you can afford to pay the bills,’ she gasped angrily, the cashier not saying a word as she removed herself from the conversation and started bagging everything the second your change met your hand. 

‘I got it from Le- Nora, my manager Lenora, so that she'd be sure I had enough,’ you lied for the first time in your life, your mother staring you down with a frown.

‘Well you can use some of that on me, she doesn't have to know,’ was all she said before she left to grab more, and you just sighed without arguing and started to place everything on the register for her in her absence. You didn't want to use Leo's money on her, no matter how much change you had considering he'd given you a blind but large lump sum to cover it all, so you pulled out your own wallet and had it charged to your card when she was done, your watch beeping sadly to tell you that it was 1AM, you were now late. You tried to leave before her so you could speed back, but the moment you reached the door you realized that she'd see you get into your car, something she was bound to take to make herself look more impressive, so you forced yourself to stay behind and wait for her, helping her load her bags into her own car before pretending to hail a cab.

She didn't even say goodbye as she pulled out of the lot, the ice cream starting to melt and making the bag moist, your arms thankfully saving it before it could tear and spill everything onto the pavement. You didn't get back until everyone was leaving, the party still happening but without you there to convince Jack to go out he was focusing solely on your backup, his co-host Gus soaking up all the glory as everyone praised him for his good idea. You didn't meet Leo's eye as he headed for you, your hand already held out with the change as you prepared to take whatever anger he was about to dish out at you, but he didn't yell, just checked your backseat to make sure everything was there.

‘You really cut it close, just follow the convoy, and don't drink too much, I bet you $100 he's going to drink too much and need a ride home,’ he whispered before heading for his own car, the money ignored as you put it back in your pocket and got ready to follow again.

‘There you are, are you coming with us?’ Jack surprised you right as you opened the door, your body jumping back into his raised hands as you let out a yelp and dropped the keys. ‘Sorry about that, I didn't know my footsteps were so quiet,’ he joked as he picked them up for you like a gentleman.

‘It's my fault, I'm a bit distracted tonight,’ you said without meaning to, everything shoved back into a neat little box once more as you forced a smile. 

‘Does that mean you won't go?’ He sounded almost disappointed, but that wasn't right, no one was ever disappointed when you couldn't join them, your lips parting slightly before you shook your head.

‘No, I'm going,’ you confirmed to him, his resulting smile so big that it could almost break your heart. He handed your keys back with a, ‘Good, I'm glad,’ before going to his car, the crowd thinning as car after car started up and created a parade. You were quick to hop in and follow before you were the last one there, your cheeks red the entire time to Leo's, who, you discovered, lived not only in his penthouse downtown but also had a large house all to himself as well. You learned that he used it for these private affairs and whenever he needed to get away, the address unlisted and why he was so relieved you'd made it back in time. 

Everyone was parked all the way down the street, and the only reason you got a space in the driveway itself was because Leo himself stood in the way and got them to keep right on driving until you arrived. He helped you carry everything inside via the back, Jack already inside and getting many handshakes and pats on the back as congratulations, so he was none the wiser as you both set out the spread in the kitchen. The cake was pre-ordered and already waiting, and you were glad the ice cream wasn't too melted as you placed it, along with countless other treats and a few different brands of alcohol, on the island around it before Leo called everyone in. 

The lights dimmed as the candles were lit, Jack too humble to accept it all as everyone got ready to sing, and you held your card tightly as he blew out the candles and filled the room with darkness and smoke and loud applause. When the lights came back on he and Leo were hugging, the latter once again denying his soft spot for him as he ordered for the cake to be cut before another year came and went.

You snuck out to find a pen before you could partake in the treats, a card already going around when Jack wasn't looking, and when you signed it you made sure to adjust your own before passing it on. You were just about to hand it over when he was snatched away, everyone wanting to talk to him tonight, and you let yourself fall into old habits as you grabbed some cake and melted ice cream and found a seat to yourself. Despite not getting to talk to him, it ended up being a fun night, everyone's hidden presents all grabbed from their cars and stacked in his lap as Leo took a picture, nothing from you in the pile as he unwrapped everything. 

When he saw that Leo had somehow managed to find his favourite film for his U-Matic, everyone gathered around in his spacious living room to watch, and you quickly found out that he was also a fan of horror as you recognized the opening credits. He was a fan, and he claimed to love it, but still he cowered in shock and awe and absolute joy along with everyone around him while you secretly hogged the popcorn to yourself.

The party went on late into the night, Leo not letting you leave until Jack was ready to either crash there or catch a ride with you seeing as he did in fact drink a lot, and it was only when you got your producer alone in the kitchen did you try again to give him his change. He just looked at it before going back to his whiskey with a shake of his head, your head cocking to the side in confusion. ‘I only bet you because I knew I'd win, I don't actually want your money,’ he muttered as he took a sip, and you dropped the cash onto the counter and slid it towards him.

‘That's all your change from the list,’ you finally explained, and he took another sip before pushing it back to you.

‘Keep it, gas isn't free,’ he insisted before walking away in order to stop you from declining, and you felt your throat tighten as you stared down at the remaining couple hundred plus a few random bills and coins; it was more than you'd made in your last paycheck at your first job, and it would make up for what you'd had to dish out on your mother without worry, and you quickly wiped away a tear before putting it all back into your pocket with a silent thank you.

Now that that was settled you could go back to watching over Jack, the man no longer in the living room to your horror as you started to look for him. If he'd gone off to bed then that was all fine and dandy, you could go home and rest for a few hours until you had to work again, but if he'd driven off drunk then you'd never be able to forgive yourself if something happened to him; you checked the driveway and found his car still there, your hunt taking you through every single room in Leo's house as your panic grew and thoughts of what happened to him plagued your mind. 

You thought you'd be used to this kind of feeling, after all, your mother put you through this kind of thing often, but this fear felt new as you threw open the master bedroom’s balcony doors and stepped out to breathe. You were used to the panic of losing her while she sought attention in all the wrong places, but that came with the twisted hope that maybe this time it'd be the last and you could go free; no, you were worried about him as you gulped down the cold, night air, your care for him more than it'd been for anyone you'd ever known. You tried not to cry as you asked the night where he'd gone only to hear a soft splash, your eyes following the yard lights to where a figure was sitting at the edge of the large pool down below.

It was Jack, his suit jacket slung over his shoulder and a glass still in his hand, the ice clinking together as he swirled the remaining contents and tossed them back in one big gulp. You laughed in pure relief before heading downstairs as fast as you could, the way out of this maze nearly getting you before you reached the patio doors in the kitchen and stepped back outside. You approached cautiously, you didn't know if he was out there because of a sudden drop in mood after all, but when he heard your steps on the stone he looked up and smiled just like he always did.

‘Been looking for you,’ he surprised you by saying, and he motioned for you to sit next to him before gazing back out onto the lit up water. ‘I thought you might've left so I came out here to catch my breath before bed, Leo would kill me if I drove home like this.’

‘I was looking for you too, he told me to drive you home if you got too drunk,’ you admitted quietly, afraid of letting Leo overhear you ratting him out even though it was just the two of you out there, but Jack just laughed and kicked his feet through the water again, the source of the small splash you'd heard from above.

‘I've been taking care of myself long before I met him, you can tell him that I don't need a babysitter,’ he laughed, but then his voice dropped to something calmer as his eyes met yours, ‘although, I can't say I haven't been enjoying your company because of it.’

You swallowed, your heart pounding before you told yourself that he was just friendly, like this with everyone, no one ever waited for you once you chose your mother over them.

‘I bet you say that to all the girls who work for you,’ you joked if only to get him to admit that you weren't special, just a tool for your mother to use to get her affirmations that she was still good enough, but when he spoke next the world went quiet around you as even she disappeared from your mind.

‘Just the pretty ones, and you're the prettiest damn thing that's ever worked with me,’ he whispered softly, and when you turned to look at him you saw that his eyes were only on you.

‘Jack, you're drunk,’ you insisted more to yourself than to him, and when he leaned in close you found yourself frozen to the spot.

‘Maybe you should take me home, then?’

Your breath hitched as he placed his hand over yours, clearly too drunk to keep everything in, but you believed him as you nodded and helped him stand. He left his glass beside the pool where his shoes had been waiting, the two of you sneaking around the house to get to the driveway, his body occasionally bumping into yours as you led him to his car. His keys were pressed into your hand the moment you both sat down on the worn leather, his card digging into your side from your coat pocket, calling to you to give it to him while you ignored it, this wasn't the time. You turned on the heat so he could stay warm before taking off down the empty street, his mumbled directions of where to go leading you in a circle as he fought to recognize the houses surrounding you.

Eventually he got it, his house surprisingly small and cozy and not at all what you’d imagined as you parked once more. He was starting to sleep on the way there, hence the trouble with directions, but now that you were opening the door and helping him stand he was waking up again, his cheeks flushing as he watched you unlock his front door. You couldn’t stay, you needed to get some sleep before your morning shift, but he didn’t let go of you even as he kicked off his shoes and dropped his jacket to the ground.

‘Walk me up?’ he asked almost shyly, the lively host you’d gotten to know stripped away to leave only Jack behind, and you couldn’t leave him as you helped him get to his bedroom. The place was completely empty, devoid of any roommates or partners as he crawled onto his bed, and the moment you went to say goodnight so you wouldn’t ask about it you found his hands on your arm. 

His touch was light, he wasn't holding you to keep you prisoner, and when he fell onto his side you joined him without a fight. His bed was big and soft, heat emanating off of him in a way you’d never known before, not even when you’d attempted to date when you had the small freedom of highschool to see other people, and when he touched your face in the dark you closed your eyes and tried to savour it because this couldn’t last, not while she was out there. 

‘Stay with me?’ he asked next, and you couldn’t stop yourself from grabbing onto his hand and choking back a sob.

‘No one wants me to stay,’ you whispered miserably, unable to hold your own truth in since he wouldn’t remember this in the morning, needing to say it just this once.

‘I do.’ 

You blinked and felt the tear run down your cheek, his other hand coming up to wipe it away before he was leaning in, giving you the freedom to turn away, get up and leave, but you couldn’t as you met him in the middle, your first kiss in 20 years only making you hold him tighter as he wrapped his arms around you.

You didn’t wake up the next morning to your alarm clock, but rather to the sound of birds outside your window, everything about that feeling wrong as you tried to roll over and found yourself trapped. You woke up a little more, not recognizing your surroundings as the heat around your stomach turned into arms, and when you looked down and saw Jack still holding you you felt such an ache run through you like you’d never known. You tried to lift his arm off of you without waking him, already looking around to see that your coat was on the floor while your dress was currently hanging off his nightstand from when you’d tossed it over your shoulder the night before, the sight bittersweet as he groaned in his sleep and held on tight.

‘Jack, please, I’ll be late for work,’ you moaned as you tried again, and he cracked an eye open and didn’t look like he regretted this but actually wanted you to stay.

‘Call in, you know the number, right?’ he mumbled into his pillow, trying again to keep you there, and you swallowed and adjusted your bra strap, still remembering the way he’d kissed your shoulder as he’d attempted to take it off, his fingers too clumsy and your heart too greedy to do anything other than climb on top of him and kiss him. 

‘I can’t afford to.’ You’d never talked about your financial status before, too embarrassed and not wanting to weigh him down by your problems, and both eyes opened this time as he shifted close enough to press a kiss to your arm.

‘Then quit, work for Leo full-time, he’s gotta have something good enough to replace whatever you’re doing now, and I know his hours will be more lenient so-’ He paused, rubbing circles into your stomach as his other hand held on tight. ‘So you can stay with me.’

You laid back down, lip already quivering, and when he saw it his touch he was just as gentle as the night before. ‘You can’t mean that, you don’t know what my life has been like,’ you insisted, no more pretending that you were okay now that you were in his arms.

‘Then tell me,’ he almost begged, but when you refused with a shake of your head he didn’t press further. ‘I still want you to stay, regardless of what you’re not ready to tell me.’

It was the next morning, he was sober, he meant this.

‘I’ll stay,’ you finally gave in as you let the sun rise without going home, your first morning away from her as he pulled you to his chest and didn’t let you go until you’d both fallen asleep again.

You weren’t used to sleeping in, the feeling more comfortable than you remembered when you woke up again in the afternoon, Jack still snoring away without a care in the world. You were able to successfully sneak away that time, but not to find your way home or to work, but to make him breakfast, wanting to do this rather than having to for the first time in your life. You cooked quietly so he could sleep, you didn’t get to bed until close to 5AM once you’d kissed him back, and he didn’t join you until the food was almost ready.

‘Smells delicious, I don’t think I’ve had anyone do this for me before,’ he told you before kissing your shoulder, once again sliding your bra strap down as he pressed himself up against your back. It was strange to feel this wanted, but he made it easy as he located the plates for you and helped set the table. You talked while you ate, your breakfasts usually so quick and quiet before you had to run, but now you never wanted to leave as you watched him try to get through his hangover. He swore that more kisses helped, and you couldn’t disagree with that medical diagnosis between bites of eggs and drinks of coffee.

‘Oh! I have something for you!’ you suddenly remembered when he’d gotten his fill, your bare feet slapping against the hardwood and carpet as you raced back upstairs to find your jacket; when you returned his card was behind your back again, Jack looking interested until you presented it to him. It’d gotten a bit bent over the night, and leaving it trapped under your coat all morning hadn’t helped, but he looked like he loved this gift the most as he stared at the large cartoon owl on the front.

‘Look hoo-s birthday it is,’ he read aloud, your hands wringing as he opened it up and chuckled, ‘hope the party is a real hoot just like you, happy 42nd, with love.’

‘It was the only card with an owl,’ you were quick to explain, and he placed it on display on his mantle in his living room before returning to you.

‘It’s the best card I’ve ever received,’ he insisted as he kissed the top of your head, his arms around you in a long hug, your food going cold as you refused to let go of each other before he could kiss you again.

He drove you to work wearing your dress from last night after that, his clothes not quite fitting you enough to go out in public with them, and after you apologized for the sudden quitting and walked out with your final pay you met him right back in his chair so he could drop you off at home. It was past noon, there was a good chance your mother was out asking around every place of show business in town by now, so you risked being dropped off at least out of sight from any windows. He gave you a quick kiss goodbye, a silent promise that this wasn't going to end now that you were going home, and you gave him a genuine smile as you hopped out of the car and let him drive away so he could talk to Leo about your new potential job.

Your smile lasted all the way to your apartment, your cheeks flushing again as you remembered how it felt to be held and desired and loved until the door opened and you saw your mother standing there, waiting for you.

‘Where have you been? You never came home or even called last night, you show up in the middle of the day wearing the same outfit, you stink of booze and cheap cologne, did you lie to me last night?’ she demanded all at once, and usually you’d be groveling just to get her to leave you alone for a little while longer, say anything that would make her focus back on herself, but you still felt his arms around you, heard him whisper that he wanted you to stay in your ear, and your back straightened as you pushed your hair behind your ear and stood your ground.

‘I told you I’d be out late, I had to drive a co-worker home and ended up crashing on his couch, it’s no big deal, I’m home now,’ you scoffed, your tone not appreciated in the least as she then walked over to inspect you.

She circled you only once, her eyes narrowed as she checked you out for any trace of a lie, and when she stopped in front of you her eyes were cold, unloving. ‘You’re not seeing anyone behind my back again, are you? I thought we talked about this, after that boy tried to convince you to run away from home when you were just a teenager we’d agreed that you wouldn’t see anyone again.’ You remembered it well, the promise only kept because the heartbreak had held you back at the time, while her constant search for enough attention to finally satiate her kept you from ever being able to see anyone else ever again.

Until now.

‘I’m not,’ you lied right to her face, and when she didn’t back down you just sighed and went to take a shower and change. She grabbed your arm, refusing to let you go until you told her the truth, but you wouldn’t let her into your new life, not when you knew what she’d do to everything she could get her hands on if you did. ‘I’m not, and please take your hand off of me.’

She let you go, storming off towards her bedroom now that you were back, and when you’d grabbed some clean clothes and headed for the bathroom she cut you off only once more. ‘I heard that Jack Delroy’s birthday is today, they announced it at the end of the show when I got back from the store, what a coincidence that your boss’ was on the day before,’ she wondered aloud, your face not giving anything away as you held your clothes a little closer to your chest.

‘It was a lot of people’s birthdays yesterday, same with today, none of them have anything to do with me,’ was all you said before walking into the room and shutting the door, and when you undressed in front of the mirror you noticed that Jack had left a hickey on the space where your neck met your shoulder.

Even though you’d both attempted to keep it a secret, word got around very fast that you and Jack were now dating by the time the week was out. Leo had come through for you, now paying you - albeit under the table for now, just to keep your bills paid - to be his personal assistant instead, since Jack was now insisting that he didn’t want to be the boss of his girlfriend. You blushed every single time you heard the title, congratulations coming your way when he officially announced it to the crew that Monday, since everyone was already talking about it and he didn’t want your relationship to just be a rumour. 

In front of everyone, he’d stood center stage and held you close, nearly making you cry again as he confessed his love to you, needing you to know that his desire for you to stay was that true, the thought of you not believing him such a worry to him that he’d rather tell everyone than have you go one more day without hearing him say that he loved you.

As such, you didn’t need to be backstage for him anymore, all your orders coming from Leo throughout the day to prepare, but still you were invited to watch each show, and still you went without fail, Jack stealing kisses during each commercial break like he hadn’t seen you in years instead of minutes. You didn’t know how to be this loved, it was almost suffocating, but it was in the best of ways, one that rivaled the way your mother suffocated you for your entire life. So you clung to him, let him drown you and wash you away until you knew how it felt to be cared for, the time when you were forced to leave him so as to not incur her wrath again the most painful moments of your life.

You couldn’t risk another sleepover, not after you’d just barely gotten away with the first and regrettably last, and you still couldn’t tell him why you had to part, but he was patient with you as he drove away and left you to walk home alone, your car once again left in the lot where she wouldn’t see it. Your life had been easy before, a numbness that you were used to, but living like this, where you now had this entirely secret life with small tastes of what you could always have if you finally just left, it was breaking you worse than anything you’d ever experienced before, and you didn’t know how much longer you could last before you ended up having to choose just one to save yourself.

You knew you needed to decide when you got back from work a few Fridays later for a proper nap after spending all day running around for Leo, your mind torn between trying to figure out how to stay the night after Jack’s upcoming halloween party, your shared favourite time of the year, and how to tell him that you were ready to either take your relationship to the next level or break up with him before your heart finally broke.

As such, you weren't paying attention as you walked into your apartment, your eyes on the ground as you mumbled nonsense to yourself, not noticing that something was wrong until you reached your room and saw the suitcase on your bed. You frowned at it, trying to remember when you’d put it there when your mother appeared behind you, gave you a hug from the back as she rested her chin on your shoulder, her grip so much colder than Jack’s to the point that it made you shiver. ‘New York isn’t working out for me,’ she sighed dejectedly, your mouth going dry as your eyes widened. ‘I thought I might catch my break here, but none of the places I’ve tried are ready for me, so we’ll just have to try again, maybe Chicago might be more successful to us this time.’

‘No,’ you murmured before you could stop yourself, your mother not hiding the way she didn’t like your reply.

‘What did you say?’

‘I can’t go, I’m happy here,’ you told her as you started to panic, the thought of being forced to say goodbye before you were ready hurting more than having to watch him drive away.

‘We’ve talked about this before, I need you to keep supporting me, I can’t do this without you.’ It was an old script, one you knew very well, the words only coming out when you became close to thinking for yourself. ‘Will you really keep me here if I’m not happy?’

‘But…’ You’d never been able to win this one against her before, and she didn’t let you win it again as she dug her nails into your shoulders, her hug over already.

‘I’ve already found us a place, the rent will be cheaper, and the theater I sent my headshots to liked what they saw, so I’m going to need you to keep paying the bills while I audition for plays down there, I think I’ve finally found my calling as a theater actress, don’t you want that for your mother?’ You couldn’t speak, Jack in your vision when you shut your eyes and tried to wake yourself up from this bad dream. ‘This will be the last time, I promise, no more men breaking my heart, no more dead end jobs, just the two of us while I become the star I was always meant to be, doesn’t that sound exciting?’

You shook your head, her nails hurting you as she spun you around, your eyes still shut tight until you felt her hit you; you looked at her as your cheek stung, her own eyes boring holes into you as she clung to you until you started to flinch to escape the pain.

‘You would leave your mother to fend for herself in a brand new city, all alone? Don’t you care about me? I’m the one who birthed you, raised you alone after your father left, let you see so many beautiful things across the country, and now you’re going to tell me no when I’ve finally found something I can be happy about? Don’t I deserve to have my dreams come true, you selfish brat?’ You didn’t know what had set her off before she was hitting you again, your arms coming up to protect yourself from her slapping hands. ‘I’ve sacrificed so much to do all this for you, the least you can do is pay me back!’

‘All I do is pay you back, I never asked for any of this!’ you yelled right back, your attitude now greatly unwanted as she pushed you onto your bed and slammed the door.

‘You can stand to miss a night of work, I keep worrying about you when you don’t get home until almost 2AM, maybe it’s high time you found another day job,’ she all but ordered as she shoved a kitchen chair under your doorknob, locking you in and stopping you from seeing Jack until Monday.

‘You can’t do this! I won’t go to Chicago!’ you screamed at her as you banged your hands on the wood, the chair then met with what sounded like the table as well for extra security, the window your only hope as you unlatched it and opened it up. You tried to fit yourself through but the stairs traveled directly across it, that hadn’t changed in the two months since your arrival, and you had to give up as you tore through your sleeve and cut your arm on the rusted metal. You slowly collapsed onto your bed, rain starting to fall outside and making your room chilly as you stared up at the slivers of cloudy sky up above. ‘Just like prison bars,’ you repeated softly to yourself as a raindrop bounced off the rail and hit you right in the cheek, your chest aching as you finally broke down into your pillow, your single bed so small and cold without him there.

You stopped crying by the time the sun had fully set, your mother watching TV just on the other side of your door, no pity for you no matter if you begged for it or not, and you were not about to do that ever again now that you knew what love felt like. You sat up, the rain still going strong and drenching your sill, your eyes tired as you stared at freedom just beyond the railing. You looked down at your arm when the wet chill made it sting, the rain making the blood run again as the droplets splashed onto the dried river running over your skin. You didn’t feel pain anymore as you watched it go, Jack’s hand appearing in your mind and leaving a trail of warmth as he rubbed it all away, a memory you were going to lose if you didn’t fight for it, and your eyes narrowed as you got onto your knees and took off your shirt.

You needed the space as you tossed it beside you, your skirt then joining it before you were gritting your teeth and attempting to push yourself through the gap again. This time nothing caught, your bare skin able to feel everything and help you angle over the rail, and when your torso was free you tried not to yell in relief as the rain washed over you. You used the stairs to pull yourself out, your leg also getting cut when you got too excited and lost your grip, but you didn’t care, your clothes quickly grabbed and tugged back on before you shut your window from the outside and hurried down the fire escape.

You didn’t stop running until you reached the studio, your entire body soaked and the blood at least washed away as you raced for the set, everyone wondering where you were until you appeared. You walked past them all, needing to get to Leo as he talked with someone about if they’d seen you around since that afternoon, and the moment you got his attention he quickly tried to escourt you somewhere you could talk openly.

‘I need to talk to Jack,’ you told him seriously as you stopped him not two feet into your walk, and he looked you over before nodding and motioning for someone to come over and help you. A coat from the wardrobe rack was placed around your shoulders as Leo openly stepped on stage to whisper something in Jack’s ear, no regard for the show at all in the face of your turmoil, and you watched on the monitor as Jack’s eyes grew wide in worry.

‘I’m sorry, we’re having a bit of technical difficulties backstage, so we’re going to take a quit break to hear from our sponsors while we sort this out,’ he told the audience with a forced smile, and the second the cameras were cut he was rushing back to find you; he was dead silent as he took you in, his hands hovering but not touching as you shivered under the coat, but the moment he saw the blood he froze, his gaze darkening to something dangerous, furious. ‘Who did this to you?’ he demanded, ready to hurt whoever had hurt you, but you just grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him towards the set door, knowing he couldn’t go far as the others gave you some space.

‘I need to tell you something,’ you began as he tried to rub the pain and chill away, your tears unnoticed as they blended in with the rain already wetting your cheeks. ‘I’m moving, tonight.’

‘What? To where? Why didn’t you tell me?’ he asked, the anger instantly melting away to heartbreak, his expression only making this harder in combination with his hands still warming your arms.

‘I can’t say, I’ll call you with the location of Leo’s car when I get far away enough, but I just need to-’

‘Are you in trouble? Is that why you haven’t been letting me visit you? I can protect you, so can Leo, just tell me,’ he tried, but you couldn’t let him, not after your mother had finally crossed that line tonight. So you shook your head, your hands coming up to move his away but he wouldn’t let you go, he couldn’t, not while he was pleading for you to stay. ‘Don’t go, please,’ he whispered as he leaned his forehead against your own, your crying now apparent to everyone as he cupped your cheeks and held you in place.

‘I don’t want to,’ you confessed, your hands moving to his chest so you could push him away and get as far away from your mother as you could, but before you did anything the set door suddenly opened, someone seeing only him and thinking him ready to go back out there. The audience gasped and murmured amongst themselves as they saw you together, Jack shielding you from them as Leo hurriedly shut the door again, the man then stomping off to give someone a very bad scolding. ‘I’m sorry, she might’ve seen me, I have to go-’

Your name drifted through the area as your blood ran cold, Jack feeling the change in you and holding you closer as your mother came into view. You had no time to wonder when she’d gotten there before she was calling your name again in relief, Gus escorting her to you since she’d known who you were and clearly trusting her for that. ‘My sweet girl, so this is where you’ve been getting,’ she cooed as she approached, Jack unsure of what was going on as she soaked up her own personal audience. ‘I’m so sorry for the mess my daughter has gotten into, you see, she’s very unwell, sneaking out in the middle of the night to come here it seems, and no matter how hard I try to keep her safe she just keeps finding a way out.’

It was a boldfaced lie, and you silently begged Jack not to believe her as she held out her hand for you to take. ‘No, no she’s lying, she’s the one who did this to me,’ you insisted as the people who’d become your friends slowly gathered around to figure out what was going on, the show almost forgotten on the other side of the set walls.

‘I placed her in her room for the night and she slipped out the window while I grabbed her dinner, I hope you haven’t been feeding into her delusions- sorry, her fantasies, rather, while she’s been here?’ You couldn’t believe your ears, Jack starting to let go of you as he thought about all your times together, all your secrets in order to keep him safe from her, all of them working against you as she reached for you again. ‘Come now, we’ll get you home and all cleaned up, let’s stop bothering these nice people so they can get back to work.’

‘I work here too,’ you insisted but the damage had been done, everyone looking at you differently as Jack took a step back, handed you over to the woman you’d so desperately tried to escape. ‘Jack, no, please- you said you wanted me to stay!’

‘I’m going to get you some help, I’ll see you tomorrow,’ he promised as your mother began to lead you away, your friends all standing aside so she’d have an easier time, and when the stage door closed you saw Leo yelling at Jack as he just stood there and took it.

You were silent the entire way home, your head resting against the glass as the rain beat against it, your mother equally as silent until you were back in your apartment again. The TV was still on, just a ruse to make you believe she was still there as she waited for you in the only place she was certain you’d go, and she’d been right, you didn’t know how but she was. Now you were back home, forced to move the table and chairs back into place so you could sleep in your damp bed.

‘I’d fix that window for you, but we’ll be moving soon enough, so there’s no point,’ your mother told you as she made herself some tea to combat the chill, your door wide open as you curled back up on your bed. ‘Yes, no need, unless you wanted to stay?’ You flinched but didn’t rise, not wanting to take the bait after what she’d just done to you; she took her cup in hand and sat down at the end of your bed, stirring the sugar in with a spoon as she gazed down at the foamy patterns filming over the surface of the dark liquid. ‘Your little secret is out now, but I’ve known for weeks, a mother always knows when her child is messing around, the mark he left on your shoulder was all the proof I needed.’

‘I’m not a child,’ you muttered numbly, but she ignored it.

‘You really believed he’d fallen for you, but all men are fickle, my dear, which is why we can’t trust any of them in love,’ she continued, her spoon tapping against the rim before she set it on your bed, the remaining tea staining your sheet. ‘Of course, in business, they still have some worth to us.’ You glanced weakly up at her as she took a sip, not wanting her to say what you knew she was going to the moment she was done. ‘I don’t know how you managed it, but my guess is that you seduced Mr. Delroy that night in order to gain his favour, didn’t you?’

‘I didn’t-’

‘You think so, but I saw the dress you came home in, no man could’ve resisted that,’ she stated plainly before taking another sip, your brows furrowing as you fought not to believe her, that Jack had asked you to stay because he’d liked you, not your outfit no matter how many glasses he’d had. ‘So, you seduced him, got on his good side as well as the studio’s, and now you’re going to pay me back with all your hard work.’

You sat up then, her eyes not on you at all as you tried not to cry again. ‘You just ruined my life, took away everything I love, why would I ever want to help you?’ you demanded pitifully, your mother taking another sip before placing the empty cup on your dresser.

‘Because if I start working there then you’ll be able to see him again, even if you will have to act like what I said tonight is true, there’s simply no way they’ll allow you back after the scene you caused, after all.’ You grabbed her by the shirt and forced her to look at you, tears running down your cheeks as she just stared right through you. ‘It’s been a long time since you’ve been this rebellious, but don’t worry, once I become the star I was always meant to be, just as we planned earlier, then you’ll be able to find a dream of your own.’

‘I don’t need a dream, I was happy there,’ you cried as you just held onto her, supporting yourself more than grabbing her as the resignation started to sink in, ‘why couldn’t you just let me have this one thing? What did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much?’

‘Hate you? My dear, I’m your mother, I could never hate you,’ she consoled you with a comforting brush to your cheek, but it held no love or warmth to it at all, just like always. ‘Loathing you, though, that’s another story.’ Her hand fell away as she stood, her spoon and cup left behind as she stood in your doorway and looked coldly down on you. ‘Who gave you the right to steal my life, parade it around for weeks while I wasted away here? Losing him is the only kindness you deserve after all of that, and when he comes around tomorrow you’re going to play the part of my sweet, sickly daughter so I can get close to him to, earn myself my own segment on his show until I can get an hour all to myself, won’t that be divine?’

‘He’ll never want to work with you, he’s a good person,’ you swore, but all the venom was gone as she just smiled hopefully and walked off for her room, your body growing heavy as you fell back down onto your side and cried until you were numb again.

You were still in bed when he came, someone else letting him in since he didn’t know your apartment number, that same someone more than likely giving him directions up to your lodgings. You didn’t move, too exhausted to get up and have him believe her again, and you wished you had the energy to at least shut your door as you watched your mother hurry to let him in when he knocked. She looked good as she passed through your vision, dressed to impress just as always, and you knew you looked a pathetic mess as you just stared at the wall and tried to block out the sound of his voice when confusion met your ears instead.

‘I’m sorry, who are you?’

‘Leo Fiske, producer of Night Owls and your daughter’s ex-boss, I just need to ask some questions to see if the studio wants her to reimburse all the money she’s been receiving under false pretenses,’ he explained in a tone you hadn’t heard before, your brows furrowing as your mother let him in. He appeared in your doorway and shut the door behind him, and you were in the middle of getting ready to explain that you had no money to pay him back when he spoke first. ‘Thank you for your time, I’m sure we’ll be able to sort through this as painfully as possible! Get up.’ He hissed the last part through his teeth, his voice switching from loud and boasting to as quiet as possible as you just stared, and he motioned for you to stand as he started going through your drawers without making a sound. ‘It’s a substantial amount, but if we explain your case to the higher ups I’m certain they’ll knock some of it off! He’s coming, get up.’

You listened that time, helping him find you some clean clothes before stripping down in front of him when he seemed very unbothered by the sight of your undergarments in the top drawer. ‘Why are you doing this?’ you whispered as you tossed your dirty clothes aside, Leo holding up a blouse to you before shaking his head and going for something else instead.

‘Because Jack’s an idiot, I told you he was gullible, that man would sell his soul if the contract was worded just right,’ he muttered quietly, and you believed him as he picked out an outfit and turned away so you could pull on some clean underwear and a new bra.

‘So, you don’t believe her?’ It was almost too good to be true, Leo turning on his heel to help you do up the zipper on the back of your shirt the moment you had it on.

‘Fuck no, I called that horseshit the second she opened her mouth, that woman is a terrible actor,’ he told you as he zipped you up, a comb coming out of nowhere to fix up your hair a little. ‘Look, he meant well last night, but I kicked his ass for you after you left, so don’t give him too hard a time when he arrives; I left the moment he called me, and he has zero ability to handle downtown traffic so we’ve got about three minutes to talk.’

‘She’s trying to blackmail me into getting her a job.’

‘Yeah, I figured that, a good producer can always sniff out the narcissistic types.’

‘She’s always done this, but I’ve never had the courage to fight back until… I met all of you,’ you confessed, Leo spinning you around to fluff your hair and wipe some smudges from your cheeks.

‘That’s because you’re a Night Owl, knew you were the moment you wanted the job, so you get out there when he comes and you knock that bitch on her ass, you hear me?’ He clapped his hands over your arms in encouragement, and when another knock came to the door he quickly excused himself so Jack wouldn’t see him leaving your room. ‘There you are, already talked to her about the repayment, so you can do whatever business you’ve got with them now.’

‘Repayment?’ Jack’s voice was confused but still sounded like music to your ears as you willed your heart to not beat out of your chest, your feet moving on their own as you stepped out into the living room to face him. He looked tired, his usual joy at seeing you quickly quelled by the shame of how he’d let the night before end, and it took all your strength not to go to him and tell him it was okay, you understood. ‘I, uh, I still want to help in any way I can, are there any treatment centers I can help pay for, or perhaps drive her to?’ he asked your mother, that not the answer she wanted to hear as she swayed her way over to him.

‘It means so much to us that you’ve grown so fond of her, Mr. Delroy, ever since her father left things have been hard for us, money has been tight; if you truly wish to help then a more- stable income would be very advantageous to us both,’ she led, Leo putting his head in his hand behind her back as he just kept seeing right through her. 

‘I can ask around, see if anyone has any positions open?’ he suggested, and for a moment you were worried that he was still buying into it when he looked at you; you saw the switch between showman and himself, his true self that he’d shown you while he laid in bed across from you. He may have bought it the night before but he wasn't now that he was able to see you without the rush of the timeframe and the stares of his crew. ‘But in the meantime, I’d really like to get her in a more suitable place, somewhere she can be taken care of where she won’t hurt herself again, and I’d like to get that done today, if you don’t mind.’

‘Wha- today? But we haven’t discussed all of our business yet,’ she was quick to decline, and when she went to grab onto you to keep you still, Leo moved just as fast to put himself between the two of you.

‘We can discuss it another time, you just give us your contact info and we’ll call you back,’ he muttered flatly as he herded you towards Jack, your mother starting to catch on when he then left you to toss everything you owned into the suitcase still laying on your floor.

‘Wait a minute, you can’t take my daughter away from me,’ she frowned angrily, your hand reaching for Jack when she stepped in front of you to stop you. ‘You can’t leave me, you remember the last time you tried that, don’t you? What child leaves her poor mother all alone like this for someone who’ll only break her heart again?’

‘I’m not a child!’ you yelled in her face, Leo smirking to your right as he leaned against your doorframe, suitcase in hand. Jack just stared, not wanting to get between you but not about to leave you again, and you borrowed his strength as you stood up tall and sucked in a deep breath. ‘I’m a grown woman! I’m almost 40 fucking years old, and I will not let you hurt me anymore!’

‘Hurt you? I am your mother, I would never-’

‘Dragging me across the country, using me to pay your bills, never letting me have a life of my own, and now trying to make it seem like I’m broken just so you can step in front of the cameras? I’m not broken, no matter how hard you try you can never break me, and for once in my life I’m choosing to stay with people who actually give a damn about me!’ Your shoulders shook as you cried, but not in misery this time, you were crying because you were angry, Leo giving you a few slow claps before heading for the door, a cigarette already lit as he carried your suitcase to the car for you, so certain that you’d follow that he never looked back. You’d let her rule your life for too long, and she’d managed to talk you out of it before but not this time, not when he was right there, waiting for you even though he knew everything.

There was nothing left to keep from him, your abuse out in the open and explaining everything you’d kept from him, and he just smiled at you as he held out his hand for you to take.

‘What will you do when this ends? All men leave in the end, and this one’s in showbusiness, you think he won’t find someone younger and prettier than you the moment you hold onto him too hard?’ she demanded to know like he wasn't even there, Jack knowing better than to argue even though you knew he never would. Even if he fell out of love with you someday it would never be for those reasons, and as you took a step forward you knew that he might not even fall out of love with you as he mouthed the words to you again as his final plea for you to stay.

‘I’ll figure that out without you, then,’ was all you said, and then you were shoving past her to throw yourself into his arms. He held you close as he kissed the top of your head, your mother yelling insults and begging you not to go as you cried against his chest, and when he turned and led you out you didn’t stop until you reached his car and climbed into the passenger seat, Jack kissing you properly the moment his own door closed.

You had no idea if your mother stayed in New York after you finally left her, several calls to the studio to find you going ignored, her picture everywhere as she was banned from the premises. You moved into Leo’s house for the first few weeks, that final step between you and Jack making you both blushing messes at the thought of living together so soon and stopping it from happening. Leo was fine with that, his house was empty most of the time anyway so you were free to rest up there while the restraining order was put into motion, one of his many spare bedrooms becoming your own as they, along with your other new friends, took care of you for once.

The matter was cleared up around the studio, the news catching hold of the entire story after the camera had accidentally caught you along with the audience; suddenly you found yourself everywhere, your mother attempting to cash in on that only for Leo to step in and nip it all in the bud. You were constantly surprised by how much influence this random man had, but you were grateful for it all the same as he pushed you out the door and into Jack’s arms so he could take you shopping for some new clothes, your wallet full of his so-called petty cash again.

It was almost scary how accustomed to your new life you became, how fast you got used to stretching out in bed and waking whenever you wanted, Jack always a phone call or a drive away, no more bars or rails stretching across your windows as you threw them open and breathed in the fresh, October air. Halloween was coming up, and this time the party was going to be at Jack’s house after his special Spooktacular show, as he was now calling it. The guests were all booked, you’d bought decorations for the set with him already even though Leo told him to leave it to the set designers, and currently you were chatting about what he was going to wear before his costume change halfway through the show as you sat at the drive-in with him to see the latest horror flick.

He already ate away at your shared popcorn as the screen showed a bunch of cartoon characters grabbing snacks from the concession stand, the turnout not as busy since home viewing was on the rise, but you liked it that way as you leaned in closer to him. ‘I think it’d be cute if you gave away candy to the audience as they arrived,’ you thought aloud, once again attempting to stop him from eating all your treats before the movie even started, ‘or maybe you could do a draw and some lucky people could get candy apples, I hear those are tasty.’

‘You’ve never had one before?’ he asked around another mouthful of popcorn, the sun nearly set and signaling that the movie was going to start soon.

‘Never got a chance to trick ‘r treat thanks to her, I’ve only ever handed out candy if I could afford to buy a bag for the kids,’ you explained, no longer afraid to keep everything to yourself.

‘I’ll set something up at the studio, then we can go around to the different sets and offices and get you some candy,’ he promised seriously, and you laughed as you had some popcorn for yourself.

‘Thank you, but I think I’ll survive,’ you giggled, although the thought of visiting Leo’s office in costume only for him to give you a pack of smokes or a travel-sized bottle of alcohol and then shut the door in your face sure sounded tempting. ‘Jack, can I tell you something?’ you then asked, your hand finding his when he reached for more popcorn. ‘I never thought I’d get out of there, my whole life I thought that that was it, that I’d missed my chance to leave and that this was my punishment, but… meeting you, getting the job on Night Owls, knowing what it’s like to be actually wanted for the first time, I don’t know, sometimes I still think I might be dreaming.’

He looked at you for a long while, really taking you in before getting you to look at him. ‘One of our guests, the illusionist, you remember him? He taught me a little phrase to say when I think that all of this is just a dream,’ he confided in you in return, and you leaned in a little closer as he lowered his voice. ‘Say it with me: Dreamer. Here. Awake.’

‘Dreamer, here, awake,’ you repeated, and when the dream didn’t end he tapped you on the nose as proof before kissing your forehead.

‘See? Sometimes what’s too good to be true is just what we can’t let ourselves accept, so we tell ourselves otherwise until we lose it; now, I don’t want to lose you, so you’d better start accepting that this is reality, okay?’ he whispered gently to you, his buttery hand finding your cheek and making you giggle again because it was too silly to be just a dream.

‘This is reality,’ you agreed, and when he kissed you he tasted of the popcorn he’d all but devoured by himself. It was sweet at first, but the more you kept pulling each other back for more the more you knew you were ready, Jack panting lightly when you finally resisted the urge to kiss him again. ‘Can I tell you something else?’ you breathed against his lips, and when he nodded you shut your eyes. ‘I want you to be my first.’

He already knew about your inexperience by now, how you wanted to move slow with him while you got used to everything, so there was no rushing you as he bit at his lip and looked you seriously in the eye.

‘Are you sure?’ he needed to know, and when you nodded he set the popcorn onto the floor between your legs and started the car back up. ‘We can see this another time, it just came out,’ he decided as he drove away, both of your hearts pounding as he headed back home right as the opening credits started to roll.

You were thankful he lived near the drive-in, a choice on his part since he loved movies so much but never committed to a U-Matic like Leo, and the moment you walked through the door you were kissing each other again. ‘Hi,’ you mumbled nervously, Jack echoing your greeting as you both took off your outdoor clothes and made your way upstairs. You hadn’t slept over since that night, not even when you started stealing Leo’s spare, but his bed was just as warm and comfortable as you remembered as he lifted your dress over your head and laid you down on it. 

You thought he was beautiful as he stripped off his sweater, the weather getting colder and making him switch from suits to warm wool, the thick shape of it doing nothing to hide the way his body curved so wonderfully under your palms. You silently asked for him to join you as he stepped out of his pants, your mouths meeting again as he gently brushed his thumb over your cheek. ‘I’m glad you stayed,’ he finally told you as he lay next to you, his hand resting on your waist as the silent question of what to do next came over you. 

‘I’m glad I did too.’

He pulled you closer, his fingers much more dextrous this time as he undid the latch on your bra, your hands covering yourself before he whispered silent affirmations to you, never to make you do anything you didn’t want to, but just to tell you it was okay, you could stop whenever you wanted. You didn’t want to stop though, your hand finding his in the dark before guiding it down to your breast, and the resulting sound he brought out of you was one you’d never heard yourself make before. He was encouraged to keep going, keep making you feel good as he shifted down enough to take a nipple into his mouth, your fingers tangling in his hair as you shut your eyes and moaned.

You whispered his name as he then trailed his hand over the expanse of your stomach, fingers brushing against the lace of your underwear but never going further, and again you guided him to do more, your breath hitching as he touched you for the first time. Your hips started to move as he began kissing your neck, his index pressing just just hard enough to part you through your panties, a longing like you’d never known overtaking you as you weakly asked for more. He obliged your every whim, finally reaching in to touch you even more intimately, your brain torn between the way he sucked marks into your skin and how he was making your thighs shake with each circle of your clit.

‘Please, I want you…’ you murmured as your head fell back, the tears already starting to fall because you’d never known warmth like this before, and he kissed every one away as he reached down even further to enter you. It was strange at first, your back arching as your mind fought to understand how something could feel so good, Jack still whispering those affirmations to you about how good you were doing for him as he gently stretched you open for him. When he added a second finger you almost couldn’t take it, everything so good that you didn’t know how it could feel any better, a careful but constant brush of his palm against your clit pushing you over the edge as he swallowed down every noise.

‘You did so well for me,’ he praised you as he slowed to a halt, but you weren’t done, you could feel his hardness press needily against your leg, your eyes glazing over for just a moment as you reached down to not only stop him from removing his hand but to also start to push his boxers down his hips.

‘I said I wanted you.’ You swallowed heavily when he couldn’t help but groan, he’d been content with helping you and then taking care of himself at this step, but there’d be a time for you to return the favour later, for tonight you wanted to be one with him. He asked you if you were sure again, and you answered him by taking off your panties and tossing them to the floor with the rest of your clothes. He swore under his breath before doing the same, Jack then reaching into his nightstand to pull out a small bottle of something. He popped the cap and poured a little into his palm, and you couldn’t help but watch as he groaned again and began to coat his length with it, his hand next to your arm fisting the sheets as his breathing started to quicken.

He looked down at you like you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen as he parted your legs, lifting them to your chest for just a moment as he lined himself up to you. He preferred to brace his hands under your thighs as he slowly pushed in, his choked off moan filling the room along with your own as he leaned down until you were almost chest to chest. He needed the closeness, wanted to be so near to you that it almost hurt, his hips still as he let you adjust to him. When you wrapped your arms around his neck and gave a small squeeze to his shoulder he knew he could move, his pace just right as he let his head fall to the pillows right beside yours.

He rocked into you, making love to you more than fucking you, and you didn’t let go of him as he kissed your neck and cheek whenever the angle allowed him to. He mumbled promises of forever into your skin, and when you wrapped your legs around him he was finally free to let go of your legs to hold you elsewhere instead, one hand braced on your hip while the other massaged and felt and clung to whatever he could reach.

‘I love you,’ he breathed into your ear, more tears falling as you felt your orgasm approach again, the preparations from before feeling nothing like this as you felt complete for the first time in your life. ‘I love you so much, stay with me, here, from now on.’

‘I will, I will,’ you promised him, Jack finding your mouth to kiss you and seal the deal as you came again, the way you clenched around him only making him come that much faster right after you. It felt like an eternity of bliss as he hips slowly stopped, Jack taking his sweet time rolling off of you and making you think that he would’ve spent all night with you underneath him if he didn’t think it would be uncomfortable for you, so you gave him the next best thing by draping yourself over him, leaving no space between your slightly shaking bodies.

‘I love you, too,’ you confessed against his chest, another kiss to the top of your head making one final tear fall as you felt nothing but pure, uncontained happiness.

‘I wasn't kidding, I want you to move in with me,’ he revealed as he stretched out, his arm wrapped around you and keeping you close when he feared you might get up at his words. ‘I’ve been talking to Leo about it all week, after the Halloween show I want to introduce you to all the Night Owls out there, and then we can move all your things over here before the party.’ He went quiet for a moment, unsure by your silence, and when he looked down at you you took a moment to kiss him again, never wanting it to end as he cupped your cheek. ‘I want you to make this place your home.’

‘I want nothing more than that,’ you just barely kept from sobbing, Jack’s smile wide as his relief made him sigh.

‘We’ll do that, then,’ he confirmed, your head back on his chest as he rubbed circles into your shoulder. ‘Don’t forget to dress up for the show, it is Halloween, after all.’

‘I’ve never dressed up before, what should I go as?’ you asked, Jack pretending to think about it for just a moment before biting his lip.

‘How about Dracula’s bride?’ he suggested, knowing fully well that he was already going on set dressed as a vampire, his costume picked out earlier that day.

‘That sounds perfect to me, we can pick it up tomorrow.’

Again, he held you until you both fell asleep, the previously neverending feeling of running finally at an end as he nuzzled against you in his sleep; you were happy there, the bed large around you as you both took up just the middle, the windows wide open and allowing in the night air as you were lulled into your own comfortable sleep.

You were free.

[yangsharperavery]

so here's the thing...

i've written about this topic a few times during and after season 1, but the carmy and sydney of it all remains a highly contested and discussed topic. even after season two.

what i find so truly fascinating is that chris storer and joanna calo and everyone involved with the creation of this lovely, well constructed show absolutely could have created the duo they work SO hard in the press to convince viewership they intended.

if they really wanted sydney to be a psuedo/standin sibling for the one carmy lost, or the brainy, determined business partner that comes in to orient a sinking ship...

there are a couple hundred ways they could have managed that and made it abundantly clear that's what the angle was within the dynamic between carmy and sydney.

instead... we have all this very overtly (and covertly) romantic, potent and simmering subtext regarding the nature of their relationship and what they mean to one another, their effect on each other and their seemingly endless potential.

in a whole host of ways there are a number of scenes that literally don't make sense without the lens of the undercurrent of feelings or reverence or romance or something that exists between them beyond the intended business partners/co-creatives.

there are ways to narratively parallel sydney as a mirror and equal and peer of carmy's void of all ambiguity and romantic tension and any energy of awkward longing or confusion.

but that's not actually what we got. i've been consuming television media for most of my life. i've watched hundreds of shows; shipping has never been a requirement for my viewership or interest.

which leads me to believe that there's either a bunch of deflection/dismissing happening for a very distinct reason. or there's been a bait and switch planned from the beginning.

you would literally have to remove 75% of the nuance within carmy and sydney's interactions for the stictly platonic claims to make sense and effectively land.

you'd have to go through and remove various staging, shot selection, editing, music choices and sometimes entire scenes to accurately convey original or "intended" messaging.

to completely eradicate the liminal space of subjectivity between them.

why is carmy talking about tina looking like sydney with that distinct expression on his face when they all wear that apron?

why are they being awkward at the lockers like it isn't customary for coworkers and business partners to go out after work for dinner or drinks or whatever (literally evidenced by tina this season)?

why is sydney mentioning jealousy at all when it comes to carmy's relationship? especially when it makes perfect sense for her to be upset with him for not pulling his weight?

why is sydney entering into carmy's life for the first time and deciding to stay, the second time, something that literally brings him out of his panic? when it could have been him cooking, his drawings, his staff, his gf. ANYTHING else.

they effectively made sydney an emotional, mental and energetic tether for him in that scene. for what reason? business partner ones or????

why do they bicker like an old married couple? is that customary for creative collaborators and coworkers?

why superimpose sydney, parallel her doing something the audience saw carmy do last season, and then show her going about her night while he's by contrast, with his girlfriend? why show a random closeup of a meaningful tattoo on her shoulder? no thematic significance beyond the grind of the restaurant world and career ambition?

why is there an obvious awkward breaking of energy after a highly vulnerable and tender moment between the two of them under the table? why does sydney noticeably fidget/adjust herself/her apron when he walks away to get her gift?

there's actually a hundred instances of these questions you could ask over the course of the two seasons when it comes to them.

so the reasoning behind the shipper pushback is baffling and a bit laughable.

some people bring into question, perhaps this is just the natural chemistry that jaw and ayo bring to their characters bc they're obviously good friends.

which... sure. i guess. but even that begs the question, you wrote and shot and constructed a story a specific way and then your two actors sort of bled on and expanded the material in a very obvious way you didn't expect?

cool, cool. so again... you're surprised that could lead to viewership seeing something deeper than mere platonic business partners?

that's shocking and surprising to you?

no way.

especially considering storer and calo have commented on how close jaw and ayo are and that their dynamic is different than the one she has with ebon and lionel. which is hilarious bc she adores ebon and has been out of the country traveling with lionel (and some other people from odd future.)

so clearly they all enjoy each other, are friends and get along.

but why even make that note of demarcation regarding jaw and ayo's dynamic and STILL be like "oh yeah, we didn't write or mean for them to be a romance " you're shocked that people SEE something given your storytelling and their obvious connection that even you, the creators themselves remarked on?!?!

there's a picture from the golden globes of ayo holding jaw's mom's hands during his acceptance speech. like they're really besties.

but i'm sorry, they can't bestie themselves into what carmy and sydney clearly exemplify on our screens without an entire framework at their disposal. because they're talented and professionals.

so if the writing is saying something, then it's intentional.

maybe the intention was to have their characters skirt and skate on the periphery of each other.

maybe it was for things to be awkward and weird and undefined or hectic and toxic.

maybe they weren't ever gonna have some relegated idea of a shipper's happily ever after.

people have feelings that go unexpressed and undefined. people fall in love and then don't end up together.

maybe the slow burn fizzles out, maybe it explodes or implodes, maybe one of them self denies, maybe they both do.

maybe it will or won’t be addressed directly or covertly. that's actually not a requirement for its existence.

to act like there isn't something true and obvious and visceral that exists between these characters is frankly like asking those who watch your show not to use their eyes and their brains.

impossible.

[drop-dead-dropout]

Fuck's a pro shipper?

We've got a new one boys try not to scare em off /j

Okay but seriously, I'm more than happy to explain. I assume that if you're asking this question you're not aware of the proshipper vs antishipper, uh, "conflict", I guess. So, here is what both of those terms mean, to the best of my descriptive abilities:

Antishipper (often just "anti"): someone who vaguely believes that consuming problematic fiction (usually specifically problematic sexual fiction like lolicon or incest) is either a true reflection of them as a person or a corrupting force that will cause them to play out these desires in real life, onto real people. Basically, if you read age gap, you touch real kids in real life or secretly want to.

Proshipper (sometimes "profic"): someone who does not believe the above, and believes that fiction is not the same as reality because it doesn't harm anyone and therefore people should be left alone as long as you have no reason to believe that they would ever do something like that irl. Often hand in hand with things like anti censorship, kink positive, etc, though being a proshipper does not necessarily mean you have a problematic ship or kink yourself (example: me).

You're probably asking this question because you saw me day in my bio that I am a proshipper. I've tried to stay neutral in this initial description, but obviously I probably didn't manage to be completely unbiased considering that I believe myself to be right (most people do) so if you want to ask further questions after this that's perfectly fine. That being said:

Why am I a proshipper?

So, to understand this, let's first look over the issues within both communities— every group has issues, after all.

What problems do proshippers have?:

- sometimes 4chan assholes co-opt the label "proshipper" just because they're lolicons, even though there's good evidence to suggest that they would do or even have done criminal sexual acts in real life, or that they possess actual csam (child sexual abuse material, a term being used in favor of "cp" these days as porn implies consent). Proshipping has nothing to do with the harmful idea that you should be allowed to exploit and abuse real children.

- there are still many gray areas which proshippers themselves don't agree on. For example: I've seen a bunch of arguments about if writing fanfiction of live action shows or movies changes the equation. The general consensus of proshippers is that writing fanfiction of a character played by a child actor is definitely a more delicate situation and should not be sexual as it's inextricably tied to the image of a real child, but there are others who believe differently.

- I'm genuinely struggling to come up with more of these. Um, sometimes lolicons are really shitty people, like in point 1. This isn't SUPER relevant though cause in reality the overlap between predominantly queer or female proshippers and Reddit incels who just wanna jerk off to a petite anime girl is pretty small, though I'm sure it exists somewhere .

Now, what problems do antis have? (Fair warning, this is gonna sound even more "biased" but I hope my logic is still sound from the outside :p):

- I don't have any statistics on this (haven't exactly been many research papers on fandom drama), so you're going to have to trust me when I say that antis are absolutely NOTORIOUS for extreme harassment campaigns. The first time I was exposed to the word "antishipper", it was attached to a story of a former animator committing suicide because antis had gotten them fired by "exposing" their porn alt on Twitter and they could no longer afford medication for their disability. So, hell of an intro!

- their opinions are, in pretty basic ways, not backed by science or even practical common sense. The human brain can distinguish between fiction and reality after around age four or five

and people certainly aren't trying to hand nsfw content to children that age so I think it's safe to say that the people who are reading these things won't be "confused" by them or whatever. Also, even just using your brain and talking to these people, you find out most of them project onto the YOUNGER character.

- they claim to support victims but often simply don't. I won't keep dragging threats into the spotlight because I know there are probably antis who aren't as violent, but it's honestly astonishing to me how often they jump straight to wishing death and terrible things on people, and this has included more than once telling a rape victim they hope they get assaulted again just because they're a proshipper. See, a lot of these "taboo" sexual fantasies like age gap and incest actually themselves stem from a traumatic experience, and any therapist will tell you that fiction is a much healthier way to explore intrusive thoughts and urges than more dangerous coping mechanisms like self harm or substance abuse. And when confronted with this, in my experience and many others', antis will simply ignore that fact or say that the therapist is some sort of evil enabler.

-the general cognitive dissonance of believing an incest fanfiction will make you "forget" that incest is bad vs being fine with horror movies and slashers speaks to a deeper and honestly kind of worrying anti-sex mindset. I'm not sure I'm qualified to tackle this particular topic, but I definitely agree that it's a thing; after all, I have no idea how else those two things could coexist.

Anyways, I'd like to close this off by saying not everyone is as crazy opinionated as I am, I'm just autistic and like talking lol. A lot of people who id as proshippers just have a sort of minding their own business, ship-and-let-ship mentality, and a lot of antis are unfortunately just teenagers who were told proshipper = evil pedophile groomer and thus they put "proship dni" in their bios just cause they don't know and don't really care what it means. It is undeniable that many antis are kids themselves, and that does worry me, because fandom drama (especially Twitter fandom drama) is dangerous and vitriolic and also they're putting extremely serious threats on their digital footprints at the tender age of 14! But whatever, I'm not their parents, that's just my worry. Sorry for rambling this long lol, I wouldn't blame you if you dropped out halfway through but this is basically my summary of this whole thing. Do with this knowledge what you will! Or, you know, don't! I'm not a cop!

[la-imp]

AVATAR RECOM HEADCANONS - INTRO

Recoms!Deja Blu Unit - Science"Puke"! Reader

This is my first headcanon series and I am incredibly nervous because there are so many good ones out there already. I have read quite a few amazing headcanon series by various blogs who practically carry the whole Avatar Fanfic scene, which I am really grateful for! I know these sorts of scenarios have been done a lot by now, but I wanted to get one out and put my own spin on it. I hope to write more and update this series as well as take in requests, one-shots, etc, expanding on the characters as much as I can. I hope you enjoy! Avatar has consumed my life, lol...

Disclaimer: I do not own AVATAR, nor do I own its creative properties and original characters. I do, however, own the 'reader' character as well as other created figures that do not appear in the Avatar films, video games, or comic books. Characters involved: Miles Quaritch, Lyle Wainfleet, Alexander Ja, Mansk, Zdindarsk aka Z-Dog, Zhang, Lopez, Fike, Warren, Walker, Prager, Brown - mentions of Jake Sully

Plot Summary: The story takes place during the events of TWOW, right before the great reef battle. I won't spoil any crucial plot details (for those who haven't watched the movie yet), so I'll end it there. The reader is a militant medic with a biochemistry background, now assigned special care to ensure Project Phoenix's success. As their body chemistry is quite different and unique from that of humans, they require some help getting used to their new vessel. This is where you come in... and boy... you were not prepared for this. A bunch of Na'vi Human hybrids at the peak of their prime, fuelled by hormonal rage, primal instincts, and a knack for vengeance, they sure as hell turned your daily life topsy turvy. To them, you were nothing more than another science puke here to bore them out of their minds,  even though you had some military training as well. It is up to you to show them otherwise. To earn a place in their ranks.

Will (y/n) be able to handle this task or eventually fold like the others?

Warning(s): Cursing - Mild bullying - Negging - Foul language - Playful flirting

Content: SFW (Minors DNI) The reader is human and female. I plan to write specific headcanons for each individual character, but this was just a very long and detailed starter in order to get the ball rolling. Also this is not proof-read, so take this with a grain of salt. Happy reading! (also English is not my first language, so please bear with me) ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hailing from a gentle background of academics and artists, you've decided to take a completely different route from what your family had destined for you. Going against their wishes and dissapointing a few members here and there was a price you were willing to pay in order to fulfill a lifelong dream. The prize of independence. Or perhaps you were tired of people telling you what you could and couldn't do. The idea of an adventure, exploring new worlds and galaxies, far far away from home was far more attractive than spending your years trying to fix a dying planet. But you also had a knack for helping and aiding those in need. Being a healer with a vast background of medicine and herbs only came natural to you. And as you graduated top of your class, you sought a new challenge. So you joined the space force. Military training was hard but you managed adquedately.  And as you finally becamea full-fledged medic, you signed a contract with the RDA to be shipped off to Pandora.

Save to say, the six years of light-year travel did take a toll on your body. It was often emphasized that dreams do not occur during cryo sleep. Yet, your case was the opposite. Over and over you saw visions of a lush, prehistoric forest that almost looked magical and foreign. Due to overpopulation and pollution, nature seized to exist altogether back on earth, so thinking of what this mythical Pandora may look like, sparked a fire in the pits of your stomach. You began to wonder if these dreams held any meaning to them... or if it was just your brain chemistry running haywire during the cryogenic sleep. The closer you got, the giddier you grew - excited and electrified at the idea of setting foot on one of the most precious planet known to man. Perhaps in the entire universe.

After your space shuttle finally docked at the RDA's space station, you were quickly briefed on your assignment by the announcers, guiding you to the nearest secretary. The secretary looked over her glasses and tossed you an illegible glare before sighing with a shake of her head, handing you your paperwork. "May God have mercy on you," she mumbled before calling for the next candidate. You took the papers hesitantly, brows furrowing in confusion before your eyes cast down on  on these said documents. Your eyes widened as your heart nearly sank. You were assigned to assist military Avatar personnel? You looked back up at the lady who was now grinning at you, a glint playing in her gaze. "Fresh meat for the grinder. It's a bit crass they decided to assign a small girl such as yourself to help these beasts," You slowly nodded, an awkward semi-smile forming on your lips, "I guess I like a challenge," you said, tone matching her sarcastic one. You have studied them for three years now, after all. You were prepared.

A few labcoats accompanied by a good portion of cleanroom suits were helping you find your way before passing you your exopack mask. It was the first time you'd ever seen one of those from up close. The concept of not being able to breathe the atmosphere was somewhat daunting. But it was something you had to get used to if you wanted to survive Pandora's 'Adapt or Die' rules. Wasting no time, you quickly strapped them on and secured the clasps, allowing the small piece of machinery to flood your nostrils with fresh oxygen. Impressed, you found it was much clearer and cleaner than that of Earth's... sadly enough.  You then remembered the comment from the secretary earlier on, echoing in your mind over and over again until it festered in the back of your subconscious. Anxiety began to take a hold of you, shaking your confidence ever so slightly.

Inhaling and exhaling deeply, you then issued a curt nod to your superiors who lastly gave you a clipboard, detailing all of your duties and rank among the Recom unit members. "Ready, greenhorn?" Dr. Vasquez piped up, drawing you from your trance. You blinked at him with a wide-eyed deer-caught-in-headlights look, lips parting, "Y-yeah." he chuckled in response to your nervousness before slapping a hand on your shoulder in confidence. "Don' worry, they may look very scary at first glance, but you will soon realize they are professionals just like us, alright?" You nodded, swallowing the lump down your throat before clamping the board beneath your armpit. "Alright then kiddo, let's rock'n'roll," he said with a smirk before punching in a security code to unlock the doors to the decompressors.

The air was filtered to fit the atmosphere of the recoms. Which was in turn, extremely toxic to humans. Unconscious in twenty seconds - dead in four minutes. The prospect didn't sound like very glamorous death. As the door opened, a hiss emitted from the pressure, giving way to the bright light of the sun peaking through the glass windows. Vasquez marched forward before beckoning you to join him. Upon entering, the energy of the room immediately shifted. It was almost palpable to the touch.

A good part of your confidence was chipped away once you laid your eyes on your future teammates. Breath nearly caught in your throat. To say they were tall was a big understatement. They were huge - as a matter of fact - larger than life! Nothing could've prepared you for this. Most of them stood at around ten feet and nearly scraped the ceilings if they hadn't been adjusted to meet their physiology. You continued to saunter forward, one tentative step at a time, eyes still glued to their physiques without so blinking an eye. Their bodies were even more strange, striking you with awe. Slender, graceful, svelte, yet powerful. The complexion was a deep cyan or darker powder blue, decorated in interesting patterns and luminescent dots, all accompanied by a long prehensile tail that idly swung from side to side, giving them a more animalistic edge. They were all broad-shouldered, even the women, as you scanned the room with all the blue-skinned individuals lurking about, their poise signifying a certain strength and fortitude that of a warrior. They could easily toss a person across the room and break every single bone in their body with one blow if they wished.

Eyes were striking like molten gold peering from the shadows, intensely following your every move. Their previous chatter immediately died down as their eyes glued to you and the other scientists. Vasquez took his position next to someone who seemed much more commanding and authoritive compared to the rest. He stood slightly taller and wore a khaki tanktop, exhibiting a set of toned, muscular arms placated on his hips. You caught a glimpse of his tattoo on his left arm. A black eagle. A remnant of his previous life? Or something to distinguish himself from the others, perhaps?

The way he walked with a certain swagger, taking a stance next to Vasquez, sharp yellow eyes peering into the hall, had you nearly choke on your own saliva. He was an intimidating man,  "As you all know, we are sent here to accomplish a mission that we couldn't last time. To hunt down and terminate the leader of the Na'vi insurgency, Jake Sully.  And in order to ensure our success, we have been assigned our personal medical officers who specialize in Na'vi physiology. They make sure none of us step out of line and patch us up during missions. Treat 'em with respect, ya hear? They are as much our responsbilities as we are theirs," his tone was a low, commanding drawl, hinting at his possible origin back from Earth. He also sounded a tad older than his bio stats suggested.

"Wait, we're going to have these science pukes tag along?" Someone groaned in the background.

Doctor Vasquez nudged you with his elbow before whispering something into your ear. So he was the colonel. Colonel Miles Quaritch. The leader of the first recombinant unit Deja Blu, the first Avatar squad produced by Project Phoenix. Vasquez then nodded and brought you and another male medical officer. Thankfully you weren't alone. And as you peeked into the crowd, practically feeling their eyes rake over your forms in a very scrutinizing manner, you wished there were more human scientists to accompany you. "Listen up Recoms," Vasquez announced, matching Quaritch's energy. Which you had noticed, was now glancing at you over his shoulder with a lazed stare. You quickly turned away, hating that all of their attention was on you now. Just great. "Those are your new medical officers," he gestured to both you and your counterpart, earning him a few whispers and hushed conversations between the Na'vi hybrids. The heavily tattooed individual grunted loudly, expressing a clear distaste at the fact.

You watched as the one with the camo cap began to chuckle before leaning over to the tattooed female with the mohawk, gossiping something into her ear. Your eyes narrowed at her, hoping to God they weren't talking shit about you. The male medic next to you semed quite nervous himself, almost glistening with a faint sheen of sweat whenever the light hit his complexion. Oh man... what a great start. "This here is Mr. Ryan," Vasquez said confidently and clamped a hand on his shoulder before pulling you to his side with a toothy grin, "And this is Miss (y/n). They're going to do a quick checkup on your vitals before we make land on Pandora. Their status reports will affect your mission. If you have any further questions regarding any of that, feel free to ask them. Good luck and have fun," he said before departing, giving you a two-finger salute before vanishing out the door.

For a moment, you wished he hadn't abandoned you so soon, but as you stood there, again with the hundred yard stare, you instantly began pulling out your clipboard, training your eyes on the papers rather than the giant soldiers around you. Quaritch cleared his throat before stepping forward, closing in on your proximity. The heat practically rolled off of him. Almost radioactive in a sense. "Right. Welcome to the crew," he said as a deep rumble of chuckles resonated within the hall. You flicked your attention back on them, seeing as their expressions turned from scrutiny to amusement. The one with the hat flicked his chin toward Ryan, "So you get to touch us all around?" Ryan nodded cautiously, "Yes, in a sense. We need to do some physical checkups to make sure your bodies haven't mutated or caught any diseases on the way here and-"

"So you're gonna be cupping my big blue balls, too?" he said, making an obscene gesture as the team burst out in synchronized laughter. Mr Ryan pursed his lips in frustration. You felt his pain, it was nearly palpable.

You were so not ready for this... "Shut your horny mouth, Ja!" one of the female recoms hollered, smacking him on the back of his head.

Judging by the 'joke', you came to the conclusion that they were full-blooded jarheads. You sighed before ticking something off your clipboard. "And what about her? Is she good with her small hands?" At this your eyebrows twitched before you began searching for the miscreant of this statement. Seeing as the one with the bandana had crooked a finger at you. "Man, she does look cute tho... tiny lil thing. What's good, mama?" their banter continued, slapping and fist bumping each other, having the time of their lives. What a fucking farce - you thought to yourself begrudgingly. The behavior reminded you of teenagers experiencing the surge of hormones for the first time. You couldn't believe Vasquez had vouched for their professionalism. Perhaps he was in on the joke as well. "Shut your pie holes. They're here to help, not entertain you, you fucking lowlifes. Treat'em with respect or I'll have your ass handed back to the infirmary, you get me?!" Quaritch's voice boomed, immediately silencing the lively chatter among his subordinates.

Looking over at the colonel, you saw his hardened, chiseled features directed toward you with an unreadable expression. His pointed ears were tucked back against his head as he issued you a small nod. You repaid him with the same respect and inclined your head in acknowledgment before moving on to your first patient. "Brown?" you said, louder than originally intended before you flicked your gaze around the room, searching for any response. "Steven Brown?" you repeated with a bit more clarity. The mohawk lady merely snorted with arms folded, watching you as you searched for your first victim. Suddenly a blue hand lifted, alerting you of your designated recom, seeing that he looked a little less grim and intimidating. Although equally large, he seemed a bit more approachable, in your eyes at least. With that being said, it wasn't exactly a joyride pushing and squeezing yourself through, as some of them actively made an effort of staying rooted to the spot, entertained at your slight struggle. You could have sworn hearing someone wolf whistle at you but you pushed those thoughts aside when you reached your destination.

He was slightly shorter than the rest, not that you could tell right away as he was seated on one of the benches slightly hunched over, his posture overly lax. Much like the others, he sported that classical short military haircut and fade. "Alright doc, whaddya got for me?" he drawled with a certain bite. You decided not to overanalyze everything, as you were already extremely nervous. You meanwhile scribbled down all of the data before setting the clipboard down, looking him in the eye. He remained there, sitting there in silence, monitoring you with a peculiar glint playing in his topaz irises. "Alright, Mr. Brown, could you please stretch out your right arm? I need to take some samples and check your haemogram if that is alright with you," you explained as you flashed him a polite smile while the convos in the background resumed.

Brown simply nodded and muttered a small 'sure thing' before complying with your wishes. Once he extended his appendage, you got a chance to examine it closely - realizing just how large and sinewy his arm was. The texture was interesting too, differing not much from human skin, save for the lack of arm hair. "Finding a vein shouldn't be a problem," you jest before pulling out a small device for blood sampling. It was not a syringe, but a highly advanced gadget that locked down on the skin cell before drawing a bit of blood. "Alright, just let me disinfect this real quick..." you continued before wiping the spot with a small disinfectant wipe, clearing it from any bacteria. The feeling of his skin was curious, smooth yet somehow rougher to the touch compared to human flesh. Pandora's rough climates had evolved them to become perfect survivors as even their skin was harder to penetrate.  Brown tilted his head to the side, ears swiveling curiously when you placed the blood-letting machinery against the crook of his arm. A small pinch broke through his flesh, extracting only a few tiny droplets. "There we go, that's about it-" Before you could continue, however, you caught Brown sending you a mischievous wink. "Didn't hurt at all, doc."

"Got what ya need, Miss (y/n) or... did I get that right?" you felt blood rush to your cheeks, heating your face altogether. They were trying to rile you up on purpose now... "(Y/N) right, but just call me by my first name. No need for being formal," hoping it would somewhat diffuse the awkward tension between you and the recoms. However, things did not go as planned when Brown's brows lifted for a short moment before his ears rotated in your direction, more attentive than before. "Well good to know, (y/n), looking forward to working with ya," your breathing became heavy to his deliberate teasing as he allowed himself to lean forward. You nearly jumped at his sudden intrusion "So (y/n), what does my blood test say?" just then the analysis was completed, giving you a clear stats report on his bloodwork.

"So far so good... bloodwork looks normal. Cholesterol is in the green and.... well..." His face faltered a bit, "What?" "be sure to consume fewer sugary drinks or sweets but other than that, you're fine. Wouldn't want you to be the first adipose soldier on Pandora," his features continued to crack "You calling me fat, doc?" he said before warming up to a smirk. You leaned away from him to avoid his sudden boldness. "Nah, just reminding you to be on your best behavior if you want to keep up with the rest, alright?" Brown scoffed with a shake of his head as you took your clipboard with you, writing down all of the info as well as checking a few boxes. "I'll get back to you later, just need to do the same with.... uh.. Wainfleet?" you asked, squinting your eyes to spot someone a bit taller and a tad bit more athletic looking. He lacked hair, like some of the others as he wiggled his fingers at you flirtatiously, a crooked smile plastered on his lips. "The one and only," you grunted in affirmation, feeling some of the dread returning before you headed over.

A sudden ticklish sensation and force tugged at the crook of your knee, having you to stumble and nearly fall flat on your face. Walker clicked her tongue with a roll of her eyes, "Come on Kevin, leave the poor girl alone already!" Quaritch's nostrils flared when he caught Brown fucking with you. A move of his tail that hooked around your leg in order to trip you. "You better secure that shit, Brown before I clip that thing off, capiche?" He growled, causing Brown to stiffen immediately. Eventually, he lowered his head and ears ".... yes sir... sorry,"

You managed to calm your thundering heart as you eyeballed Brown with a mix of irritation and embarrassment. What an asshole. Is that how it was going to be all the time? Good lord... how much you began to regret signing up for this particular unit. "Mr. Wainfleet?" you said softly, approaching the man cautiously as he eyed you up and down with that same grin on his face.

"Call me Lyle, sweetums. Only my mother calls me Mr. Wainfleet. So.... here to check the goods? Or maybe even get a feel?" Lyle chuckled before flexing his built physique, making you watch his biceps bulge and swell. The action made your throat dry out like the Sahara desert. Just what in the world have you gotten yourself into...

[inkren]

Metroid dread has consumed my life for the past 2 days. Its now one of my favourite games ever made. There's a few problems with it mainly the world not being as memorable and easy to navigate as tallon IV in metroid prime but it doesn't matter given how amazing the game is.

I could rant about it for ages but I'll just talk about my 3 favourite things. Massive spoilers for merroid dread.

1. Whoever came up with the idea of letting Samus smack the shit out of your enemies and parrying them didn't get paid enough. Once you learn how to parry basic enemies basically become energy and missile dispensaries. Its so satisfying to parry something especially emmi's since its so hard to parry them. Its also extremely cathartic to parry a boss and start a cutscene where you can just pump missiles into them. Which conveniently leads into.

2. Spectacle. Most bossfights are so cool especially when you parry them and get a bunch of free shots in as samus in the curscene that plays does a bunch of cool flips or rides a massive monster and holds her blaster to their forehead to pump endless missiles into them while they writhe around trying to toss her off. The only thing that could make it better is if the music was more hype like metal gear rising revengeance (which is another game I have to get around to)

And how could I not mention the final bossfight too. The fight with Ravenbeak is so damn cool with it being like a dance with samus and him doing cool flips around each other. He summons black holes and stars and the climax as.... this actually goes with point 3 as well so we'll get to that.

3. Samus is portrayed so well in this game and conveys so much personality even though she says like one sentence in chozo near the middle of the game and at the end of the game she starts screaming madly.

When she meets kraid she is so clearly sick of him that as soon as he roars she shoots him in the mouth. Basically just saying "let's get this over with"

Her conversation with the friendly chozo in the middle of the game as we get a hell of a lore dump and the only words she says in the entire game being "don't worry I'll finish it" pretty sure i paraphrased that but it conveys so much. By having no other words in the game spoken by samus it gives these words so much power. She is legitimately concerned for this chozo and when he is killed she is genuinely sad but it has to wait. Because she has a job to do....and an annoying enemy to kill. (Seriously those chozo bots that jump you are so annoying. )

There's so much more I could say about her characterization in the game and that one scene alone but I wanna talk about the final fight again.

My jaw dropped when she was nearly dead as Ravenbeak choked the life out of her and then she just started screaming like a mad woman and drained the power from the flying fortress making it crash down onto the ground as she beat him up and continued to scream. It was so badass and yet so funny and I was just saying holy shit the entire time. Peak character.

And then the final bit against raven beak where he gets infected with the x parasite. And samus has her new metroid suit which looks freaky and organic and thats the point. She was pushed to this point and now she's basically an energy vampire. Also nothing quite like obliterating your foe with a massive fucking laser to the face.

Of course the cool escape sequence where I barely got back to my ship on time with like 10 seconds to spare. (BTW samus keeps hitting the self destruct button every planet has for some reason. Isnt this like the 6th planet she's destroyed? Why do they keep having to be destroyed and by what?)

Samus gets control of her metroid powers again before escaping and this actually brings me to a point i like about the game. It doesn't reveal there was actually more metroids because they're the series namesake. They stay extinct. All except for samus. And its revealed that metroid means ultimate warrior in chozo. So samus is the metroid now in all meanings of the word. She had metroid dna and is the ultimate warrior of the chozo. Taking the name if the franchise for herself. So next time your grandma sees you playing metroid and points to samus saying "that man's metroid isn't he?" She's half right now.

Anyway my three simple points ballooned way out of my control. Go play metroid dread. Go play every metroid game you can. Which isn't much if you only have a switch but the two metroid games it has are peak.

[vriskaserketdaily]

Announcement; CW for graphic descriptions of medical emergencies & discussions of death/mortality

so, yesterday i briefly mentioned that i had been hospitalized. i unknowingly consumed edibles, became anxious and hyperactive, had a full-blown panic attack, and believing myself to be in the mother of all caffeine overdoses (2 cups of black tea) or having a heart attack or both, called emergency services, and was hospitalized with severe tachycardia.

i genuinely thought i was dying, sitting outside in my pajamas with my back to the mailbox post waiting for the EMTs to arrive. i still thought i was dying two hours later, struggling to breathe in the hospital room with my parents beside me.

i thought about a lot of things in the time between calling the emergency number and being lifted into the ambulance. i didn't want this blog to be my only legacy when i have so much more to do and be and make. i have other hobbies---knitting, crochet, playing guitar & composing music, and especially writing. i haven't drawn or written about my ocs in years, even during the recent hiatus, and i would like to change that.

to that end, i will not be drawing vriskas on a daily basis or consistently updating the fan art queue for the forseeable future. i will still draw vriska, especially if there are requests in the inbox, but i won't be going out of my way to squeeze out fan art when i'm ill, busy in other areas of my life, or generally not feeling it.

i will be keeping this blog up. i will not be changing the url because i fought too hard for a hypen-free daily vriska url and i'm not giving it up that easily. perhaps, after a year or two, i may even resume daily vriskas and normal blog operations.

COMMON QUESTIONS:

are you like, okay? i think i'm fine, physically? i was discharged after about four hours in the hospital and was able to move and eat and stuff today. i still feel some soreness/tightness in the chest, but i think that's to be expected given the circumstances.

can we still send requests? YES please omg. the interactions i have had through requests have been so positive and rewarding that it'd be difficult for me to fully give this blog up. even something as simple as "draw vriska" will function as a request. one thing that's been going through my head a lot lately is the thought that i could die and no one here would notice or care, so having tangible assurance that there is at least one person in the world who wants to see my vriska art would be very meaningful in that regard. i may not respond immediately, but i will respond to all requests that conform to the blog rules and mission (no nsfw, no pedophilic/incestuous ships, must involve vriska in some way)

will you consider opening mod applications? no, both because i don't think there would be too many takers for the position and because i know from experience that the fastest way to kill a daily blog is to load it up with a bunch of mods. (i am not the original owner of this blog and have moderated a few other multi-mod blogs before---i am currently the sole mod of the two i stuck with, this being one of them). i'd rather keep this blog half-active with just me than have it be completely inactive with me and 3-6 other people. again, there's a chance that after a year or so of taking things slow, i may come back to it.

can we tag you in art/fics/vriska posts? yes, actually, that would be very helpful. i don't expect anyone to do this, but again, i will no longer be actively perusing the character tag. feel free to @ me in vriska-related posts you think could use a little love.

if i have a daily vriska blog, will you promote me? sure! genuinely, i wish you luck---i've seen a couple of y'all come and go, and it really takes a lot to keep a blog like this running for more than three months. if you can do that you will be certified spiders for real.

where else can we find you? my main blog is @beangods, where i reblog posts that are not about vriska. you can send art requests there, too, but they cannot be related to vriska. that's what this blog is for. i also moderate @theextendedzodiacas, which is mostly fantroll-oriented. i'm on discord, too, but you won't find me on any other social media site.

is the vriskord still up? yes, it is, and you can join it, though the server is not very active. i don't plan on taking the server down or anything like that.

eighth question eighth answer 8ottom text

please feel free to reach out to me, and i'll be happy to answer any questions that i can. thank you for your understanding, and i'll see you . . . in probably a few days when i draw the 1 request currently sitting in the inbox.

thanks for reading all this.

-mod 8

[survivalove]

Thinking about why I like Kataang so much

so a lot of my posts/asks lately have been about things I dislike so I decided to balance it out by talking about something I actually do like! ofc I immediately thought of kataang and started thing about why i like them so much compared to other couples in media I watched growing up.

first thing is, I don’t actually like romance in visual media. I much prefer it in books but having to actually watch it gives me the ick idk why. also when i first watched atla I was like 5, so the romance really had no appeal to me and I was super focused on katara and the other girls on the show because they were girls! i would completely block out the boys and all the ship scenes for years after that because my attitude to romance never really changed.

right up until I was about 11/12 and became aware of romance from hearing people my age start to talk about crushes, boyfriends/girlfriends, kissing etc. suddenly I had entered this phase in real life where romance was suddenly relevant among my peers and this made me start paying attention when it played out in the shows I was watching like Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place, etc. this also included ATLA as my dad and I would rewatch it together on DVD throughout the year.

as I watched with my katara blinders, like I always do, for the first time I started to notice the boys in the show, particularly aang, (yes I finally started focusing on the main character after 6 years 😭) and certain interactions katara had with him that I never noticed before.

*dramatic pause*

and the way I consumed media would never be the same.

jk, but really tho.

fast forward to now, and I’ve recently started watching anime after consuming a bunch of western media my whole life from cartoons and disney shows to contemporary literature and Y/A movies/TV shows. and one thing that stands out to me with kataang compared to most of the romance i see in shonen animes (one of atla’s biggest inspiration as a TV show) is the way katara and aang develop in a way that is realistic, yet too good to be true.

let me elaborate:

starting from the very first episode, katara and aang have that classic meet-cute interaction. the music is playing, their eyes are widening, aang’s acting like he’s never seen a girl before and katara is impressed by literally every single thing he does. this is pretty much how every ship is set up, anime or otherwise, and kanna basically spells out their imminent connection when she sends katara and sokka off and sokka even explicitly says the word boyfriend seconds before that. obviously, these two characters are gonna get together at some point and it’s just a matter of when.

this is where it gets more than that:

the more katara and aang spend time together, the more they start to get on each other’s nerves.

I’m sure everyone’s had a crush at some point, where you see someone for the first time and go “oh they’re so cute” and you feel the butterflies blah blah. you either fantasize about them for a while and move on, or you pursue the crush and start to actively make moves to get to know them better.

and as you get to know them, you notice some things about them that kinda piss you off. the way they pick their nose, the way they bounce their knee, the way they chew. it’s always something. it can even affect friendships because that’s life. we are humans, not concepts. no one is perfect, there is nobody on this planet that you will 100% agree with or like about them. it just doesn’t work like that. and for some relationships, there is that one irritating thing about them that breaks the camel’s back and it doesn’t work out. you learn what annoys you and move on to the next relationship. or you have the lucky ones who actually stay together and the relationship continues to blossom as you get to know each other better.

similarly, kataang in the beginning are completely enamored with the other. until they’re not. throughout season 1, we see katara becoming more and more disillusioned with aang going from “aang’s so brave. he’s the avatar!” to realizing he’s just a boy with insecurities and flaws just like her. some of which get on her nerves BAD. similarly, aang goes from trying to impress katara and going along with every single plan she has, to disagreeing with her and even getting annoyed by her as the seasons go on.

despite this, it doesn’t stop that thing they have for each other from growing and flourishing. that is the magic part. watching two characters fall in love as they continue to annoy and irritate each other more and more. the more katara and aang butt heads throughout the seasons, the more and more unambiguous their romantic interactions become.

aang bluntly telling katara she’s not funny like he didn’t just ask her to dance with him in a candlelit cave in front of dozens of people a few days ago? katara constantly getting annoyed at aang’s antics to turn around and ask him for his opinion on the way she looks or kiss him on the cheek? right.

this is what makes them stand out from other fictional couples I’ve seen, where the girl and guy’s opinion on the other never changes significantly from that first interaction they have. one person, usually the girl because of course, worships the ground our main character walks on, meanwhile he seems to barely notice her apart from that first scene where she looked pretty and his jaw dropped or something. and even if they do interact a lot, their dynamic hardly evolves from that initial setup. they never get upset with each other or at the least, visibly annoyed. their dynamic is static, stagnant, mostly affected by major events in the plot rather than personal characteristics and minor misgivings the characters may have.

there’s no juice. it’s stale. and for me, very unrealistic.

I was watching this video about writing couples in media and one comment stood out to me in particular:

What you said about charm is so true. Entertaining chemistry to watch ≠ chemistry that pairs people together. A lot of sitcoms try to pair opposites romantically or as best friends, because opposites are good for comedy and conflict, but I find myself not understanding why they’re so into each other.

instantly i was reminded of the way people call kataang vanilla/boring, in favor of pairings that are far less similar. and while katara and aang do fight a lot, fundamentally they are very similar which is why they are so believable and realistic. I love watching them slowly become disillusioned with the idealized version of each other they had in the first episode to seeing all the ways they manage to piss each other off, and still being drawn by that initial mutual attraction.

katara learns the hard way that aang isn’t the infallible savior from her grandma’s stories, but she never stops believing in him. aang comes to discover katara’s flaws and conflicting opinions, but he still encourages her belief in hope, affirms her as a waterbender/healer and yes still calls her beautiful every chance he gets.

and what I love about this, is, it gives them reasons to fall in love that go beyond the superficial reasons that drew them towards each other in the first place.

they don’t fall in love with each other in spite of those little minor flaws, but because of them.

katara doesn’t love aang because he’s the avatar. she loves him because he is the goofy fun boy that allowed her to be a kid while taking up this heavy responsibility. aang doesn’t love katara because she’s beautiful. he falls in love witnessing those moments of her being determined, speak up for herself and others, and even going to great lengths to inspire hope in everyone she meets.

[appleballad]

I don't use twitter much anymore (since I got suspended for no reason lol) but I just wanna talk about the /morston bashing/.... It is unbearable on that app. People give the most asinine reasons why shipping morston or really anything that they personally dislike makes you morally corrupt in real life and deserving of harassment. It's really repetitive atp and I roll my eyes at it but all these years later and it's still very much prevalent.

So out of fear of being cancelled there is a severe lack of discourse and in-depth analysis surrounding John/Arthur's dynamic... and vandermorgan too, don't get me started on that.... Everyone loses their hair over a mildly "problematic" fictional relationship. Bunch of fake fujoshis.

It's always selective outrage, depending on what the majority in a certain fandom decides to like and hate on because most claims that deem ships problematic have actually no validity to them.

Take me back to the good old days when it was perfectly normal to fangirl over even the most obscure crack ship. When fiction was just fiction and not a reflection of your morals and political identity.

It's the same with liking villain characters. "you can't like this character!! bc he's EVIL!1!! he did this nd that ur just as evil for liking them you deserve to be tortured and stoned to death blah blah blah"

How utterly boring, and again it doesn't apply to every morally grey character. It hinges on the opinion of which character/ship the majority in a particular fandom elect to unequivocally bully

It's entirely subjective policing, which is absolutely ridiculous. Where do you actually draw the line?

I say if you are unable to engage with fiction on a level that's separate and disconnected from reality, if morally grey fiction corrupts your very soul and compels you act and behave in indecent ways, you should stop consuming it entirely.

Stick to your children's fables, kid.

None of this has any affect on my love for morston, in fact it strengthens it LOL. Shipping morston becomes almost like an act of defiance.

I'm grateful that at least on Tumblr and other spaces I can enjoy the fan art, fanfics or comics and knowing someone out there is raging and seething at the sight of it is kinda hilarious so it makes it all the more enjoyable. It's when they decide to feign moral superiority and launch their sheep following to attack and harass you with their nasty words wishing actual death on you irl, that is when it does get under my skin. That is just too far. But I think that is a reasonable reaction for me to have.