#With maybe 1x09 as an exception. 1x09 fucks.

[imminent-danger-came]

You know, for a show that exists in some capacity to sell toys, Lego Monkie Kid really does not need to be like that.

[gainesha]

BSG rewatch notes, cont'd and ended (spoilers, obviously):

it was so nice to watch the whole thing again, once again being reminded why I fell in love with these characters

the second half of Season 4 is much stronger overall as the first one, but the Tigh-Six baby plotline is awful. dumb and ludicrous. gave lots of fantastic acting moments for Hogan and Helfer, at least

Michael Nankin was the GOAT for directing Sometimes a Great Notion

I had loved the piano man story from Someone to Watch Over Me, so I was looking forward to rewatch that, but I completely forgot that the other main plot of the episode is going to be Boomer kidnapping Hera, and jfc, the locker room sequence with Helo and Boomer as Athena and Athena watching them is probably the most horrifying scene of the whole show, genuinely disturbing

I really like the finale. the flashback structure works very well for showing us how far all these characters came, and also crystallizing their story arcs, the stakes of their present-day choices. the last mission is intense and satisfying. the big showdown between Cavil and the Final Five / colonials and the Opera House reveal is a bit bumpy, but I still love the anticlimax of Cavil just saying ah fuck this shit. the ending always made emotional sense for me, and because the emotional farewell was the more important expectation for me (rather than getting a wholly satisfying mythology and precisely worked out plot machinery), and I feel good about the exodus part, too, I can more easily let go of my quibbles of explaining how the people of the fleet actually went along with throwing all their technology into the sun and going into the wild which would realistically mean quite a low life expectancy for them - like, I would not last outside modern civilization at all, but considering the rate with which we have been destroying our planet in the years since the show ended, their choice to have a clean slate is all the more wishful and heartfelt. (also a nice sentiment to forego colonizing the natives of Earth). Kara's "poof" is jarring, but I find her narrative arc complete and wonderful. I don't need to know exactly what she was after she returned from Earth-1. I even didn't mind the epilogue! like, the dancing robots would probably be AI if they remade the show today, but otherwise, the all of this has happened before... message of the show, with all its cheesy directness, still stands. except maybe it's more difficult to share HeadSix's optimistic prognosis

"You know, I know about farming" is the best line reading of the whole show

I wish we got at least one more Leoben-Kara scene after the one in Sometimes a Great Notion. that was a huge turning point in their relationship, but it should have been followed up, and I am sure it would have if not for the unavailability of Callum Keith Rennie. that is the only part of the show that feels incomplete.

I was ranking all the episodes for myself alongside the rewatch, so here's my bottom 5 and my top 10. I still need to rewatch The Plan, which in my memory is barely more than a glorified clipshow with some nice acting, so that could possibly be in the bottom five as well. and yes, that is a 7-parter in the second place, sue me.

Black Market (2x14)

The Woman King (3x14)

Hero (3x08)

Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down (1x09)

Deadlock (4x16)

10. The Passage (3x10) 9. Someone to Watch Over Me (4x17) 8. Downloaded (2x18) 7. Pegasus (2x10) 6. The Oath / Blood on the Scales (4x13-14) 5. 33 (1x01) 4. Scar (2x15) 3. Unfinished Business (3x09) - non-extended version 2. New Caprica arc: Lay Your Burdens Down 1-2., Occupation, Precipice, Exodus 1-2., Collaborators (2x19-3x05) 1. Maelstrom (3x17)

[adhd-merlin]

merlin S1 rewatch: episode 9

let’s move on to ep 1x09 because I need to get on. with my life. I already re-watched this ep months ago and I can’t be arsed to do it again so I’m going to use screencaps and perhaps the transcript to refresh my memory.

kilgharrah warning merlin that excalibur MUST NOT be wielded by anyone but arthur, and merlin handing the sword to uther literally the next morning is so funny to me. it's kind of the same thing that happens with the cup of life, when iseldir tells merlin “hey this is important so don’t lose it okay?” and five minutes later we see the cup rolling down a hill. I love consistent characterisation. please don’t give this boy anything important for safekeeping he has enough on his plate already!!

I think Arthur’s coronet looks a bit dumb but still it’s nothing compared to the horrendous Burger King crown he'll wear as king. why did uther get such a prettier crown. why couldn't arthur just wear his father's crown. so many questions

why did they name the undead knight tristan, was he supposed to be the tristan? I think he was. I think their take on tristan and isolde in S4 was so disappointing btw. anyway moving on

Merlin: Gaius have you seen that knight’s crest before? Gaius: No, I don’t think so. I didn’t see it clearly. Actually I’m not even sure I saw a knight. Perhaps it was a trick of the light or a collective hallucination

Sir Owain: I don’t need luck Arthur: oh fuck he’s going to die

Arthur’s face after Uther holds him back and someone else picks up the undead knight’s gauntlet. so much self-sacrificing acts of bravery and NONE of them done by him. wrong and upsetting

S1 Arthur I'm not sure how to tell you this so I'll just say it. your haircut looks dangerously close to a mullet

Merlin: maybe arson can fix this

Nimueh telling Uther she was his friend!!! fuck season 6 I want a Merlin prequel

he’s a precious baby. he’s shmol. only tiny

gwen doing her whole “you know I'd grant you anything merlin… I mean, not anything! haha” meanwhile merlin is too worried about keeping arthur alive to notice. GIRL HE'S BUSY

WHY. who stands like this

he holds this stupid pose the entire time morgana is talking to him. imagine begging someone not to commit suicide while they brood and look out of the window like a sullen byronic hero. I would have pushed him out of the window. drama ass bitch

this is the second nighttime encounter between uther and gaius in this episode. uther saying goodbye to gaius before going to fight in arthur’s place. toxic yaoi. is this anything

YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU STUPID CHILD. I love that Kilgharrah is a hater and a bitch. to be fair to him he spent 20 years in solitary confinement so he's earned it

gaius drugging arthur then gently helping him into his bed is hilarious. he’s so good at lying and drugging people. big fan of gaius using his evil talents for the greater good, or just to have a laugh sometimes which is equally valid

what a fine blade you have there… it would be a shame if something were to happen to it

he’s wearing silver bracelets!! plural!!

[Enter Arthur, visibly furious]

Gaius [gathering his things]: I've just remembered I've left something on the stove. I must go right now immediately

Arthur [while Gaius scurries away]: YOU HAD GAIUS DRUG ME??

arthur and uther little father and son moment was cute ngl

there are a few more scenes until the end but I don't have much to say about them except that I love gaius and merlin's relationship

Gaius: [stares loudly] Merlin: [pretends not to notice]

[andthebubbles]

leonardo 1x13

ok but LORENZO, YOUR DAD JUST SHOT AT LEO, AND YOU KNOW IT WAS LEO IN THE SUIT, SO LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK HOW ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT

cancelling lorenzo rn lmao SKSJNKJNFKFK

let’s get this out of the way first: somehow slow moving mechanical men/iron man/robots makes everyone incapable of running away from them lmao

okay, that aside, iiiiiiiii did like that this was more a............. what’s the word? psychological ... something? like, piero was always at least one step ahead, until the very end... speaking of which, wasn’t there blood when the bolt thing punctured the glass mask thing? but later leo was fine/no wound? wellllllllll i guess it’s cbbc...

i did love how piero discredited them in ep 12, that was tasty. less tasty/more simplistic was leo getting in the suit and going after/not listening to piero, just the duke. but the in between part was nice... lorenzo is dumb... although it’s not his fault... 

piero has lots of ways to fuck them over lmao, i guess that’s what 2x01 and 2x02 was about iirc? framing verrocchio? he could go after lisa too... oh nooo

iiiiii (okay, going back to ep 12), iiiii am not entiiiiirely sure i accept leo falling for piero’s story so easily, esp since we were kinda given an earlier example where he didn’t fall for the maths tutor’s (arithmetic guy?) story re decoding the notebook. but that wasn’t an invention that leo could get excited about, so maybe he saw things more clearly... but at the same time, leo is smarttt. although an argument can also be made for 1. being all excited that someone wants to tinker and invent with you!, 2. he might be smart in scholarly stuff but not so much in interpersonal stuff... e.g. not realising that lisa likes him... but on the other hand, he has plenty of emotional intelligence too (and i could give so many examples) ......... okay, i think option 1 is far more likely than option 2. and i think i would be more likely to buy it if leo didn’t already know that piero was a shady motherfucker. i guess i’m asking for a few more days for leo to come around, not like... the couple of minutes he took to fall for it (i.e. as soon as he realised that piero was making his inventions, which, i understand, is pretty alluring)

anyway, in summary, i prefer ep 12 to this ep 13. 

aaaand, my incomplete rankings of the eps this season from best to worst:

1. 1x10, 1x07

2. 1x06, 1x09

(3. 1x08, 1x12)

(4. 1x11, 1x13)

aaaand i can’t figure out the rest. hahakjkf. except the mac-gets-revenge ep was my least favourite

[clairenatural]

I think about this all the time and I know that there are other people who would be much better at putting it into words than me, and this is going to be very long (sorry) but like. there’s a very clear narrative that Dean is fed about his parents his whole life, which is: 

- His dad is trying his best. His dad just wants him to be strong, like a man, to protect Sam. Everything his dad did was for his own good. He should be grateful to his dad. He should want to be his dad.

and

- His mom is a mythic figure. She is warm, and soft, and perfect. She exists in the memories that he has of her, where he associates her only with being safe and taken care of, and in the stories his dad tells him, where she is flawless. She is not a real person, she’s an idea--a symbol of the life they could have had. She is why they do everything that they do.

And Dean’s entire character arc from the very beginning is set up to have him break away from these thought patterns--from season 1 we see Dean idolize John, but then see John behave in ways entirely undeserving of that praise. He wears John’s coat. He drives John’s car. But as early as 1x09 Home we start to see that John is not the idol Dean talks about him as. 1x18, Something Wicked, is one of the more heartbreaking episodes when we see just how much John expects of him at age 9, both how much he has to take care of Sam and also how angry John gets when he accidentally puts Sam in danger. In 1x22, when John is possessed, Dean realizes it’s Azazel because “John” tells him he’s proud of him. Literal yellow-eyed demon Azazel overestimates how good of a father John is. And it’s a little later, but it’s still fairly early on in the series (3x10) when Dean has his “he wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me” moment (and it also has the “daddy’s blunt instrument” line). Like this was clearly set up, from the beginning, from Eric Kripke’s hand himself.

But it’s interspersed with these moments where John sells his soul for Dean, or has uneasy reconciliation with Sam, where it’s possible for the audience to stop and go “Wait. Maybe he....cares about them in his own way?” It’s supposed to be confusing because that’s why it’s so hard for Dean to break away from it, too. John sells his soul for Dean and Dean thinks, okay. He wasn’t bad. He did love me. I can’t be mad at him, because that would make me bad and ungrateful, etc. My dad was brave and I should want to be like him. And the cycle continues.

The problem! The problem is that a huge amount of the audience, and even a chunk of tptb, also buy into this narrative. Huge amounts of people believe exactly what Dean was told, even though the whole story is designed, from the beginning, for Dean to realize that’s all wrong--so the result is that there’s never any narrative closure. The audience is continuously told “John Winchester was an abusive monster who really fucked up both of his kids. Except, no, he was a Good Man and the boys need to forgive him and Dean should want to be a Good Man like him” which is also the message that Dean gets, which means he can never break the “Dad was abusive, except no, he was a Good Man and I should be like him” cycle.

This also happens with Mary, which is potentially where this post gets more controversial. We also start to see the “perfect mother” fa��ade of Mary being dropped fairly early, when it’s revealed that she was a hunter and that she made the deal for John in exchange for Sam. But, obviously, the “perfect mother” ideal is fully deconstructed when she comes back in s12. 

I do think there are valid criticisms of Mary and I think they could have done parts better, and she does go on to betray them, but on a basic level Dean’s first instinct is to be angry that she doesn’t fit his perfect memories, not any of the other stuff. This leads to actual character development--to start to heal from his childhood, it’s important for him to realize that the mom he had in his head that he was Doing It All For wasn’t really a full person--just the idealized stories from his obsessive father and his own memories of 4-and-under, drenched in childhood nostalgia and the warmth of the only stable home he’s ever had. 

For some reason, Mary doesn’t have the untouchable status of John, so they’re actually allowed to grapple with this a bit and she and Dean are able to have the face-to-face “I am your mother, but I am not just a mom. And you are not a child.” “I never was.” conversation, which is heartbreaking because they’re both correct. I have not-so-positive thoughts about how the narrative holds her more accountable for simply not fitting into the idealized version of Mother Mary that her sons hold than it does John for being actually abusive, but that’s not this post, and ultimately they do move forward with the storyline of Dean coming to terms with it.

But people got so angry. I’m not talking about the people who have valid criticisms about how her character could have been more interesting, or how she does betray them, or any legitimate stuff--I’m talking about people being mad specifically because she “abandons” her sons again, and being mad that she didn’t just appear in the bunker’s kitchen baking endless pies. Those people have fallen into the exact same trap that Dean did--they idealized Mary and are angry when she’s a real person and not just a fantasy mother. 

This is a really long post but my point is that: when we meet him, Dean believes a set of fake truths about both his parents, which the narrative then tries to deconstruct. But, for some reason, a good chunk of the viewers (and, at least on John’s part, at least some of the production team) have also fallen for those fake truths; they think John was misguided but not abusive and ultimately was a good father, and that Mary was a perfect, pie-making mother. The end result is that John is never allowed to be held accountable, so Dean can never heal and grow, and Mary is absolutely demonized the moment she strays from that paradigm. And I just. Don’t know how to end this post but I think about this a lot. And it’s interesting. And I wonder how the show would have been allowed to go if it hadn’t happened like that.

[thissugarcane]

qaf rewatch notes, 1x09 and 1x10

1x09: oh nooooo, brian's daddy issues.

(randomly: back when napster was a thing, aka back when s1 aired, I had a copy of that badly drawn boy song on my computer. [eta: the one from the funeral episode, not this one] it's one of the few mp3s that survived multiple hard drive crashes, etc. not many other tracks from qaf did, but that one did.)

also randomly: this intro song/credit sequence did not age well, not even for an old gay club kid like moi. most of the EDM tracks in the show are my heart and joy (darude!! FIGHT ME MILLENIALS), but that title track song? nah.

el oh el, remember when there were sex chatrooms? a/s/l anyone? hello windows 95.

emmett, actually versatile. more of this!

that woody's scene, where Justin says hey to the gang and then walks off - because he's not there just for brian, he's also there to get laid by people other than brian. <3 so sassy. never gonna get over justin actually enjoyed the club scene and anonymous sex, at least some of the time. never gonna believe that what he wanted was a marriage like his mother's. there's a nice middle ground that tragically, they never found. but they could! gdi THEY COULD OK-- anyway

Mel and Brian at the hospital: Brian immediately insists Mel has as much right to be there / is as much a parent to Gus as he is. they might not like each other much, but he does appreciate her upset as real and to be respected. I would bet that if there was a way for her to be a third parent he'd be totally fine with it, it's giving his own rights up he doesn't want to do!

randomly, why does brian have such beautiful table settings? did he get an interior designer he fucked to choose his kitchen shit? it isn't as if he eats at home anything aside from takeout boxes, without somebody else forcing him

michael's social climbing lessons, EL OH EL. luv justin's digs

also, michael's dinner party with dr. dave: he's so worried about propriety here, and then s5 he hosts exactly the same officious party. tldr michael is a dick. or, no. he's just. easily impressed and has to throw his weight around? I guess? to feel important.

the amount michael changes between s1 and s5, ugh, michael.

linds and mel trying to get justin out of the room before they ask for brian's parental rights: lindsay knowwwwws that he's gonna defend brian when even brian isn't gonna. bitch.

awwwwwwwwwwwwww, Brian helping with the SATs! and then brian opening up about his dad even a little bit. and he's not really mocking when he says it either, not really. he's a bit deprecating, but still pretty open. of course he walks away almost immediately, but still, he does it

brian and his dad: it's just. very very hard to watch. "we're a lot alike, you know. we weren't meant to settle down." it's so messy, and complicated, and I don't have the knowledge or experience to like, dig into it? but they portray it, the complexity of bad parental relationships, really well

also you can so tell michael's done this with brian so often, with his dad. :/ the so-drunk-he's-almost crying, the useless comfort. note to self, does anyone else EVER see Brian cry in the entire show?

...and then there's a whole bunch more of the episode with dr. dave and mel and linds, meh.

1x10: aka the one with the hottest sex scene in the entire show?? yes??? okay, maybe not the total hottest, but close. IT'S NEW YORK BABY. wait, is it?

oh yeah, lindsay manipulating melanie yet again to do exactly what lindsay wants instead of compromising! she wants to stay at home even though they planned for something else (a nanny). [randomly, wtf else was gui except basically a nanny+ ? way to be a hypocrite, lindsay.]

ahahahahaha daphne, meet brian. "I'm never getting married. why be tied down?" justin has a type, too.

justin testing brian's boundaries is, in a way, similar to how brian tests michael's boundaries. hilariously, brian (and later justin) are healthier about setting them than michael ever is. (this is a comment thinking about justin running away to see if anybody (brian) cares enough to follow.)

Jenn, oh Jenn. the fact that justin keeps giving her chances is pretty impressive, and speaks to how big of a heart he has, ngl

justin's "I'm so sorry" after the fact actually sort of proves brian's "sorry is bullshit", in a way

michael's reluctance to move in with dr. dave: nobody is actually listening to mikey's worry, they're all just assuming it's because of Brian. But Mikey also has a valid point, they don't know each other that well, they don't know how to work together, michael doesn't know if he loves dave. it's moving pretty fucking quickly. the brunch thing about sharing your life -- it's worth it, but not if you aren't sure! jeez.

mysterious marilyn: problematic in ways, but also great

daphne confronting brian is hilarious. deb confronting brian isn't as hilarious. (random deb rant incoming? I guess?)

I mean yes, a good part of why I don't like deb's treatment of brian is because that sort of overbearing love is exactly the opposite of what I ever want out of a parental figure (in fact if somebody acted toward me the way deb acted to brian I'd probably never speak to them again no matter how much I loved them). but also -- again, this is my lens and my childhood coming into it, but -- it doesn't give justin the respect he deserves either. it's brian's fault justin left home. it's brian's fault justin lost his virginity and decided the clubs were for him. hi, no, it was Justin who chose this, and putting it all on Brian isn't fair to *Justin* and his ability to know his own mind. (As an independent teenager that moved out at seventeen, for good or ill -- I don't like how they, aside from Brian, don't give Justin credit for making his own choices.)

...otoh, yes, it pretty much is brian's fault justin ran away to new york. so.

ted: "thank you arthur miller" and only brian laughs - they have the same sense of humour. I love how the show carefully and subtly shows that the gang all have reasons they like each other. some of them are shallow: ted and brian have the same sense of humour. emmett and brian have the same "be out and proud" mentality. some are deeper. but they all have connections. and they're DIFFERENT connections.

brian in the car: I cannot get over how hilariously infuriated brian is with the three stooges

dave at linds and mel's: boy, they're pretending to be the perfect couple when they're anything but, way to buy into image over genuineness. This thin veneer of "we're such a great couple" drives me bananas.

Brian: "I know I can be shitty to you [Mikey] sometimes. it's only because I know that you'll love me no matter what." god, there's a reason that brian is in such freefall in s5 once him and michael start fighting: on top of everything else going on (aging, him and justin, everything), the only person in his life he trusted to be there, suddenly has shown he won't be. the one person he trusted to always love him now wants nothing to do with him! so why would anyone else?

awwyeah, the hottest sex scene they filmed. is it? there are so many to choose from

of course beforehand, brian tells justin exactly how it's gonna be, like he's an adult.

okay the sex. the SEX. as much as I love happy endings for these two that give them a deeper connection you cannot deny that a huge chunk of the appeal on both sides is raw sex appeal. like look at them, they are desperate for each other, hungry. that isn't romance, that's fucking. and that's okay! it's okay that they connect by fucking! it's good!

ugh and now we're back to dr. dave. *skips* eh, that's the end!

I'm trying to give Dr. Dave a more fair shot this watch-through. I forgot, though: I don't even dislike him? he just bores me. which is worse than dislike, narratively!

either way, he's got nuttin' on brian kinney <3

[hauntedorpheum]

Sam’s graphic shirts

ok first we have from the pilot:

school state shirt

seen in 1x01

This one says “school state” and i don’t know what’s on the center but we can assume is something related to stanford or college. I think is interesting considering that this is the first time we see sam 

Pop’s

seen in: 1x01, 1x03, (maybe)1x06, 1x09 and 1x12

for what i can make it says “Gil yer ass to Pop’s”, the word underneath i think it might be “lacing” but i’m not 100% sure, the word does have what it appears to be a dot of and i; another option is “lounge” but in that case i don’t know what happens to the i. Then it says “Home of the werld’s warmest beer”. 

Now there’s a point when you can see sam’s arm and it has a logo and a word and what this word implies is both horrifying and amazing. The word is “JNCO” and the logo that looks like a crown, and if you know what JNCO means then you know what that means

In case you need a better visual of the logo:

Moving on, to the red shirt with a running man

seen in: 1x03, 1x08, 1x12, 1x17, 2x05, 2x12, 3x04, 3x16

a white silhouette of a man running. Apparently this shirt was sold in auction to a fan. I’ll try to link later so you can see it in all its glory :)

The infamous purple dog shirt

seen in: 1x10, 1x11, 1x18, 2x13

A real life urban legend. Where did you come from? where did you go?

Now the palms white shirt

seen in 1x05, 1x12

not much on this one :(  I found some promo pics from bloody mary, where jared has a blue one and in others is white, so I actually not sure what color it is or if he is wearing the same shirt

Red shirt

seen in: 1x17, 1x19, 2x11

this one has, what it looks like, an illustration of an archer 

blue v neck

seen in: 2x03, 2x07, 2x11, 2x18, (maybe) 3x14

Sadly this is as close as we get to seeing this one :( 

we get a glimpse at stars and classic early 2000s graphics

weird seams thingy

seen in: 1x04, 1x08

I actually have no fucking clue what this is 

Bonus #1: sam as seen by dean in 2x20

It says ”s.f. calif. u.s.”  not much info on this one either :/

Some comments:

Now, in season 3 he still uses some of these, but for the most part this is when he starts using more plain tshirts, season 4 having zero graphic tees (while some of his plaid shirts from these seasons can still be seen in the last seasons) sam’s plaid is a whole other topic

I’m guessing this has something to do with the fact that this is more of a “college” look, and by season 3 and 4 is kinda obvious that sam is not going back to college.  Funnily enough, other characters (like bobby, ruby, and charlie) still wear graphic tees.

Could also be more of an aesthetic choice in general.

During these early seasons he uses more round necks, and by season 4 he starts using v necks. In 7x15, during a flashback that takes place druring s4, sam wears a white shirt with a round neck to make him look younger.

Dean (as far as i’m aware) never wears graphic tees, with the exception of “hell hazers” in 2x18, and some episodes from season 6, incluiding the opening montage of 6x01 when he is with ben, 6x02 and later in 6x14 after talking to Lisa. Then he wears some while working on the impala in 7x01 when they are not hunting.

note: some of these probably appear more times but I only wrote the ones when we can confirm that is the shirt; for example the white one could have been use more times but since we can’t see it, we don’t know if it could be the one with the palms or just another white shirt. That being said, I could have messed up at some point so let me know :)

[debbiewilder]

On Portraits - Ruth and Debbie

When Ruth moves to the GLOWtel in 1x04, she takes a portrait of Katharine Hepburn with her and hangs it above her bed. When Debbie sells almost everything in her house in 2x04, she still holds onto an incredibly large portrait of herself (she sells other picture frames so she could’ve sold that one too, but she chooses not to). Other photos in these environments are much smaller (or nonexistent) in comparison.

Clearly, these items are important for them.

Like most things in GLOW, it’s never overtly stated what these items mean, but I think you can come up with some answers if you look at Ruth and Debbie’s (unhealthy) relationships to themselves, their bodies, control/power, reality, fiction, and their careers.

Ruth

I’ve written before about Ruth’s relationship to “real.” The meaning of that word is incredibly complex for her, but I’ll just reiterate here with this portrait in mind. Throughout the pilot, the word “real” is used around seven times. Ruth clings to “real” in fiction but runs from it when it comes to reality. Ruth wants “real” parts, calls herself a “real” actress, but when Mark calls her “real” as they have sex, she shushes him. In addition, the word “real” is associated with her and Debbie. In their first scene together, lyrics play: “You make me feel mighty real.” During their fight in 1x01, Arthie asks if this fight is “real;” Melrose says “Who the fuck cares?” While Ruth doesn’t want real without the safety and control of fiction, together Debbie and Ruth find a “real” that neither wants but it becomes something they both need and are better because of. Ruth might not have gotten GLOW without Debbie’s “real.” Debbie might’ve been stuck in a loveless marriage without Ruth. Ruth certainly would not have gotten in Birdie’s good graces and helped save GLOW in 1x09 without her real need to communicate to Debbie. Their real drama makes GLOW come to life and Sam starts to see GLOW’s potential in 1x01 because of who Ruth and Debbie really are.

Ruth’s relationship to power is also very complex. Ruth escapes into fiction to find the power she never cultivates in her relationships. But, because of that, she self-destructs in every relationship and every acting opportunity. Ruth is not a submissive person. Ruth came from Nebraska to pursue acting. Ruth reads the man’s role because it’s better. Ruth confronts a casting director in the bathroom. Ruth goes to GLOW after being cut. Ruth is super empowered and clearly goes after what she wants when it comes to acting. But these moves are also super self destructive. Ruth’s not going to get a part she wasn’t called in for. Ruth shouldn’t confront a casting director in the bathroom…that’s…super creepy. She screws up her audition for GLOW by turning it into something it’s not. Like, it’s not Shakespeare. Just do the move you were asked to do and don’t turn it into a scene about stolen bread. When she’s given the opportunity to act in a real role (which is what she says she wants) in season 3, because she’s intimidated by Sheila’s talent and doesn’t feel empowered in this specific escapism, she just doesn't show up and self-destructs. In season 3, she also doesn’t go to acting class when others do and avoids real opportunities even though she still has the same goals she did in season 1. She does, however, show up to Justine’s audition without self destructing, reads the role she was called in for and gives a good audition but is still not chosen. Maybe with that one she doesn’t self destruct because she goes into the audition less insecure because she thinks she’ll actually get the role (and that’s why it’s so heartbreaking when they don’t ask her to read the scene another way, when she doesn’t get it).

Also, there are a few meanings to the word “act” which tie into this as well. Ruth hangs all of her agency and power on playing other roles. She wants to be active/act through fiction. When it comes to being in her own skin around other people, she is incredibly passive. She wants her role to be “acting” in ways because she doesn't act enough when she is just herself.

Even though Ruth is clearly not a submissive person, in her relationships, she’s almost completely submissive. She basically always defers to what other people want and need. She almost never expresses any of the power she demands so readily when it comes to fiction. This is part of why Ruth relies so much on fiction. And, this is largely why all of her relationships fail.

She destroys her relationship with Debbie. Instead of communicating about how their power imbalance made Ruth feel, she has sex with Debbie’s husband. Sure, she ends up being grateful for any crumb Debbie gives her after that and doesn’t screw them up after even though she’s forced to be even more submissive than she was before. But, I think that’s because she knows she owes Debbie for eternity. And, despite everything, she does want to make things right. Also, in a weird way, it must make her feel a tiny bit powerful to see how deeply Debbie cares about her. That despite everything, she still chooses Ruth to wrestle with in 1x06 and can’t help but stare at Ruth all the way down the drive in 1x03 and says, her voice breaking, that she wishes they could still have a conversation in 1x09.

She destroys her relationship with Sam. Sam’s words are pretty manipulative in 3x02. (Roughly: I think you want me -> You’re in MY hot tub (I know you want me) -> “I’m telling you what we have.” Your thoughts and no is a “lie” and a ridiculous “belief” that has no basis in reality.) I don’t know how intentional this is, but when she goes to him in 3x09, I don’t think she really knows what she wants, she’s completely floundering by that point. Also, she still hasn’t broken up with Russell so they can’t be real, it’s another way to keep Sam at bay and ruin them before they even begin. So, she destroys them over a small part. Sure, she feels like a failure. I could be wrong, but it just doesn’t seem like they just fall apart over the role.

She tries to break up with Russell on the phone in 3x08, he says not to, and she just listens! And then, the very next episode, she cheats on him. Ruth just…can’t communicate in a healthy way.

Even with Sheila in 1x04, she lets herself be pushed around and sleeps on a pool lounger.

She just goes along with what anyone wants for her, and she thinks fiction is enough to offset how submissive she is with others. It’s clearly not.

So, yeah, escapism is big for Ruth. In fact, Ruth, on her own, rarely looks at herself in the mirror. Even when she’s in front of a mirror, she often doesn’t seem to see herself. In 1x01, when she’s with the casting director, she turns to face the casting director instead of her own reflection. When she’s with Debbie in the locker room in 1x01, she doesn’t seem to see herself. There are times when she does look, like 1x08 when she realizes she’s pregnant, and later when she cuts her own hair or as she looks at herself in character in 1x01, but she doesn't really seem to investigate who she is in any way while she faces herself basically at all until 3x08 (there’s one exception I could find, after she gets ketchup splattered on her in 1x02). So, anyway, that moment in front of the mirror is huge in 3x08 because she’s actually facing who she is and her own failings. She doesn't know how to fix any of that yet but she’s actually unable to turn away from the truth/reality more by the end of season 3.

It’s like she plays a character with those in her life since she expresses so little of her own wants or needs in her close relationships. She allows pieces of herself to come through, just like she does when playing a role. Maybe she thinks that if everyone validates pieces of her and if she expresses other pieces of herself in fiction, then that’s enough. Like she can Frankenstein all of that validation together into something that’s enough. It’s clearly not since she destructs in both fiction and in relationships.

However, this coping mechanism of escapism isn’t just constant down sides. She clearly developed it for a reason. Because of how she romanticizes the world around her and is unable to take things as they are, she fights for a place on GLOW and gets it. Because of creeping on the casting director in the bathroom, she learns about GLOW. Because of her inane levels of bravery due to her inability to take things as they are, she shoots the title sequence in 2x01 (which, okay, she kinda almost gets fired for but still). She finds real control and power in GLOW even without a title like producer or director. She takes charge of the GLOW pilot in 1x10. When Sam tells everyone that GLOW is done for in 1x09, she comes up with the idea to fundraise. She continually takes charge. This flaw is also a strength for her. She demands more because she doesn’t live in the world around her, she lives in the air of possibilities. (“We’ll let the stars guide us.”) In fact, because Ruth is incredibly brave, she leads Debbie to demand for more and push for more for herself too. I’ve written about that but I’ll just quickly point to a couple of examples: Debbie only becomes better at wrestling because Sam wants to show Ruth off to Patio Town in 1x05. She probably would’ve only asked for more money in 2x01 but because Ruth is the director of a title sequence she demands to be a producer etc etc. Ruth pushes Debbie to be better. Ruth of course doesn’t see this due to insecurity. Ruth believes Debbie’s life moves forward because she has an inherent shininess that makes her life move faster than Ruth’s. She can’t see the reality of their relationship or see Debbie clearly.

So, this portrait distills Ruth’s whole relationship to herself, others, power and fiction into a single image. Ruth turns to fiction for anything “real” because as herself, reality is filled with submissiveness and not feeling like she’s enough let alone in control. She hangs a large portrait of a famous actor on her wall wherever she goes during early seasons of GLOW because being around an image of that person makes her feel powerful. Because that person is powerful, that person was chosen. Her own image doesn’t make her feel any of that. She constantly strives to forget and escape from who she is. Also, this choice of actor is telling. It’s someone who is a force who changed the acting industry, and also someone who isn’t just a feminine ideal. Katharine Hepburn and her characters are known for being fiercely independent and incredibly powerful who push boundaries and challenges gender roles. Of course Ruth would aspire to that. Ruth constantly tries to push boundaries in acting just like her role model but often fails because she just tries to turn any situation into what she wants rather than making the most out of what’s in front of her.

Debbie

While Ruth clings to a large portrait of someone else to escape from who she is, Debbie clings to a portrait of herself. But, it’s not really the Debbie we know. The version of herself that she clings to is very posed. Debbie may cringe and make weird faces every other second, but in this portrait, she looks domineering and stoic.

The placement of this portrait, right behind the front door, means that wherever you go in this house where a family of three lives (at least in 1x01), you will see this portrait of Debbie, large, alone, looking down on you.

I think this says a lot about Debbie. While Debbie was willing to give up acting and give up so much for Mark and her son, she still demanded to be seen constantly and seen in a very specific way.

Debbie’s relationship to her own image is explored throughout the series as she struggles to overcome the belief that how she’s seen is her only value. And, since that perceived value is about to expire, it makes sense she clings to an image of herself—it reminds her of what she believes is her only worth. Since she holds on to a part of herself that she feels will soon fade, this also makes her feel incredibly powerless. This is probably part of why she tries to control her body in unhealthy ways such as having an eating disorder.

While Ruth is introduced to us in close up in 1x01, reading the man’s role (the role she wasn’t given, but one she demands), Debbie is presented in a wide shot, in a sea of bodies doing the exact same boring aerobics moves as everyone else. Debbie’s reflection is presented to us before Debbie and when we see her she looks half alive, zoned out. Debbie is presented as someone who calls herself “a bovine mutant.” This is how she sees her body and self in 1x01—replaceable (just another body doing the same moves) and something that exists basically only for men including her son (“Don’t you want to be happy and have a family?”). These first images say a lot about these character’s relationships to themselves and power.

Debbie is used to submitting to those around her, and, unlike Ruth, is not used to going after anything that she wants. In fact, I don’t think Debbie allows herself to want real things that would fulfill her at all until GLOW.  

Debbie, unlike Ruth, is from LA, has lived in LA her whole life (until Vegas). Debbie never fought for acting. Debbie was probably told she was hot and should try her hand at acting because it’s around in LA. She just clearly has a very different relationship to acting than Ruth does. She is willing to do anything to get power rather than latches onto a specific role like Ruth. In fact, she likely viewed acting as another way to cling to her own image, an image that she feels is going to expire very soon. And, once it expires, she believes she will be worthless, so she better get it on film now. I really don't think she ever used acting to escape into someone else’s image. Debbie also talks about wrestling in terms of her relationship to her own body, not really about playing a role, it’s about her feeling like a superhero, it’s Debbie saying she’s Clark Kent in 2x01 because it’s her body that’s being empowered. And, in the past, acting wasn’t empowered Cat on a Hot Tin Roof monologues like it is for Ruth, Debbie saw it as wheelchairs and comas, and being written out as men decide her fate. The word “coma” sums up a lot about Debbie’s relationship to the world around her in 1x01—her life is about being still and dead to the world as others choose to define her actions and her worth. Just like in that aerobics class, just as Mark chooses what her life should be, acting is about letting men decide if her body can move this episode or not. In addition, her relationship to the industry is clearly just as based in powerlessness and bowing to whatever men want as we learn in 2x05.

She doesn’t escape into fiction or turn possibilities into what she wants them to be. Debbie’s husband tells her to quit acting, she listens. She tells Ruth to give up on her dreams and just have a family like her in 1x01 because that is the definition of “happy.” She believes that is the most she or Ruth can get out of life—a husband. A husband who tells her to give up on acting, on everything. A person she doesn’t notice when she doesn’t touch him in over 40 days.

Debbie is unhealthy in her relationship to “real” in the opposite direction. Her whole philosophy can probably be summed up in 2x05: “That is the way it is.” But, to be clear, Debbie’s “realism” isn’t actual realism. She completely self limits and has a totally unhealthy relationship with reality in the opposite way that Ruth does. No, happiness isn't just having a husband or listening to what others want for her and how other see her. In fact, it never was for her. She was “miserable” with Mark as we’re told twice. As the series progresses, she consistently grows to become more like Ruth—she chooses work, she takes something meant for a man (a network for Debbie, a role in Ruth’s case) and takes it for herself, etc.

In fact, in 1x01, it seems like her only outlet for trying to correct the complete lack of power in her life (besides her disordered eating) is making Ruth feel small, and trying to have Ruth validate choices that make her miserable. She even wants Ruth to live the life she has, to have a family too, in order to validate them as well. She continues to ignore Ruth’s struggles and makes Ruth feel like a disaster in order to feel okay about her own choices. But, Debbie clearly doesn’t even view them as choices (even though they are) so much as “the way it is.” Debbie relinquishing control over Ruth throughout the later part of season 2 and 3 is such a huge shift because Debbie needed control over Ruth in order to survive for maybe a decade. It’s an incredibly vulnerable thing for her to give Ruth control and let her be happy with Russell in 2x10. Also, Ruth is the only person who understands her and validates her beyond her beauty and a surface understanding. I think that has always been very scary for Debbie, and she also deeply needs this so she clings and pushes Ruth away at the same time. She also must find the freedom that Ruth has in her own body, in herself, the way that she doesn't submit and internalize what men want (which is wholly how Debbie defines herself), such a threat. Even Ruth’s idealism is a threat to Debbie who self limits so much in her life at the start of the series. So, she tries to control Ruth throughout the series—her relationships, her career, etc. She hurts her just to feel a little less powerless in the world. And, Ruth lets her. (Except when she fucks Mark because it gets to be too much.)

In terms of Debbie’s relationship to her own image, Debbie wears nice clothes and jewelry (versus Ruth who typically wears frumpy clothes and escapes into fiction to be seen). She has many shots where she’s looking at herself in front of the mirror. For instance, as her relationship to wrestling changes, so does her relationship to her reflection. In 1x05, she struggles to find the meaning of wrestling in the mirror and then, by the end of the episode, she sees power in her own reflection. Ruth avoids her reflection, Debbie is often swallowed up by it.

Debbie is, like Ruth, used to submitting in her life and in her relationships and not expressing who she really is or what she really wants. When Debbie finds out that Ruth fucked her husband, she says, “I don’t know--I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” I think that she’s always been told what to do, has internalized this way of life, that just like Ruth, she doesn’t really know how to act/be active in reality. She slowly finds her way to discover those things, to discover her body is worth more than just that flat one dimensional image of herself on the wall. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do?” (1x01) -> “I have no idea what I’m going to do?…You want me to wrestle?” 1x02 -> “I understand how to do that.” (1x05) -> “I want to fly.” (1x07) -> “I feel like a goddamn superhero.” (1x09) -> “Imagine I’m Clark Kent.” “Oh, no, I am a producer.” (2x01) -> “I fucking stole it…I am going to build us an eden.” (3x10) etc

This is at least part of why she hates men. She resents who she is around them, how much power she lets them have over her. With Mark, she gave up acting, gave up everything. He called Paradise Cove silly, wrestling silly. And, for a long time she gave in. She probably would’ve given in for the rest of her life if Ruth didn’t fuck Mark. Even in 1x10, after what Mark did, she gives in and gives up wrestling even though she monologues about how much it meant to her in 1x09. Even her relationship to Randy—she calls herself a “bovine mutant” and we see her eaten up by him in front of that portrait of herself. With Tex, in her relationship in season 3 after she’s grown so much, she clearly presents herself in a way that’s against who she really is, so that he thinks she shouldn’t be anywhere near his “ruthless” side when Debbie Eagan is the most ruthless bitch around. She controls how men see her, maybe because she thinks if they see all of her, they’ll realize she’s not enough (which is similar to how Ruth is in every relationship). She believes how men see her totally defines her and tirelessly tries to control how they see her. But, at the same time she of course resents this power they have over her (which is power that she gives as well).

Of course, Debbie does grow a lot and goes from housewife to star to producer to network president. She starts to see her own worth and slowly learns to demand more and submit less. But that is because Debbie demands power for herself and takes it by any means that are in front of her, that is living bigger (3x08) to Debbie, not any specific role like acting.

So...Portraits...

After looking at these characters a little closer, maybe new meaning can come when looking at shots where Ruth and Debbie stand by these portraits. Well—

Ruth throws away the dead animal that Sheila leaves for her and abandons her room when Sheila tells her to in 1x04 while standing in front of this portrait she escapes into for power. She sits on her bed realizing she needs to have an abortion, feeling totally powerless, as Katharine Hepburn looms behind her. She feels totally powerless calling her parents and asking for money while Katharine sits, breaking gender roles in a suit, being all badass and empowered behind her.

Randy chews on Debbie in 1x02, and her ideal self is right behind, a constant reminder she’ll never be enough. When she sells everything except for basically that portrait, she sits alone with only that ideal self there as company, haunting her. And, in 2x08, she covers it up with an American flag but it still hangs behind her as she parodies her own pain from 2x04 in the same exact spot.

It’ll be interesting to see, if we do see their homes in season 4, if these items are abandoned or are brought back as these two characters continue to heal and grow.

[sob-dylan]

I feel like pretty much every season starts with dangling the promise of closely pursuing Nacho's story in front of you and then slowly making you realise he just isn't going to get any screen time and you'll have to wait a year at best for that MAYBE to be returned to on screen. That scene between Nacho and his dad was so compelling and it is insane to me that it was pretty much it for Nacho having anything meaty to do for the WHOLE SEASON. Am I just dumb and missing the point lmao??

Okay, I’m gonna go off for a minute and it probably won’t end up being coherent.

That’s exactly what they fucking do! And they know it! I didn’t start listening to the BCS insider podcast until this season, but I’ve been going back to listen to ones about old episodes I like, (which, if I’m being honest, are mostly the more Nacho-heavy ones). They had Michael Mando on for the 1x09 podcast (and we hadn’t seen Nacho since 1x03 I think) and Vince Gilligan actually apologized to him and said “we didn’t plan on going for this long without seeing Nacho, it just kind of happened that way.” And of course Mando was very lovely and gracious and went on about how lucky he was to be a part of this project. But he also talked in depth about finding the character for the first time in that desert scene with Tuco, and it made me so frustrated to listen to because he puts just as effort and thought into Nacho as Bob and Rhea and Banks do with their characters. And, yeah, that’s his job and “there’s no small parts” or whatever, but it’s so aggravating knowing about all of the wasted potential of this character.

And look: I’ve considered that it’s me and not them. It could certainly be possible that I’m just sour about my favorite character not being on as much as I would like. I’ve been watching this show since it first started and I haven’t done a proper re-watch of any of it. I was 16 when it first aired. I didn’t love it as much then as I do now, and part of the reason was because I was primarily invested in the criminal part of the show and found Jimmy and Kim’s story slow. At 21, I’m still a dumbass, but I was a colossal dumbass at 16. I’ve changed significantly between now and then thanks to some major life events, and I think if I were to re-watch season 1-2 now I would have a greater appreciation for the less obviously titillating parts of the story. It’s a compelling story through-and-through if you have the patience for it. 

BUT they keep doing the same thing over and over. They set up potentially fruitful arcs for Nacho early in the season and then if there’s any substantial follow-through it happens at the end of the season and often feels rushed, (season 3 may be an exception). Season 4 was the most disappointing in that regard, (I would have liked to seen some kind of comparison drawn between Jimmy losing Chuck and Nacho irreparably damaging his relationship with his father, not to mention that practically nothing came from the whole thing with Gus that season). The first 3 episodes of season 5 made me really excited because there was so much Nacho! And he was doing so much with his screen time! That scene with his dad made me think they were really ready to dive deeper into Nacho’s motivations, but it mostly just reminded of us of what we already knew about their relationship from seasons 3 and 4. I gotta say, as much as I adore Lalo, I am frustrated with how much he seems to have eclipsed Nacho in the cartel story line. 

It’s insane just how protracted his stress has been. I think nearly a year passed between Gus killing Arturo and Lalo showing up. He’s due for a win. All that being said, I am hopeful for this finale. It’s definitely gonna be Nacho-heavy (relatively speaking, that is) and it’s definitely going to impact his story in a major way. My hope is that he finds a way to regain some kind of agency over his situation. 

End of rant.

[elixir448]

Beth x Rio and OTP questions -- What’s the first thing that changes when they realise they have feelings for each other? and -- who says I love you first?

I am pretty sure that I am answering this wrong and maybe I’m supposed to create a written piece for the two characters but honestly the thought of writing for these two makes me cringe. I’m sure I’d be terrible at it!! So, I’m just going to answer the questions literally and hope that’s what you wanted!

Right, so. The first question is so painful because I am convinced that Beth and Rio were a little in love with each other. I know it is controversial but the more I think about season 2, the more it makes sense. In order to unpack your first  question, I guess we need to have a think about when they started to have feelings for one another and then when they realised that this was the case.

Honestly, I think that these two caught feels for each other as early as season 1. Certainly, those feelings were mainly comprised of intense curiosity, desire and the fact that they both seemed aware of the electric connection between them, something that neither of them anticipated.

I mean I’m sure if you asked the collective fandom when Beth and Rio developed feelings for one another, the answers would wildly vary.

It’s evident that Rio had been thinking about Beth prior to their conversation in her van (1x05), as indicated by “what are you doing with someone like me?”. Even before then, as soon as Beth and Rio were in the same space as one another, it was like they couldn’t quite remove their focus from the other person, like they were orbiting one another. At this point, after seeing the scale of Rio’s operations, it’s clear to me that he never had to deal with the girls directly after 1x02; initially, it was about using the girls to get his product from Canada and seeing what these suburban mamas could contribute but eventually it was like he couldn’t help himself. I mean, we’ve seen how many times Rio redirects his attention back to Beth whenever Annie or Ruby say something. It seems as though he doesn’t want to look away and it really makes me wonder if, of the two, Rio was actually the first one to catch feelings? Something more than just an awareness of their charged connection.

One of the other reasons I think Rio developed feelings for Beth first is that he’s been making exceptions for Beth for a long ass time, since almost the beginning of their professional relationship. That doesn’t mean he’s not hard on her but it could have, and probably should have, been way worse. It’s not smart for a person like Rio to make exceptions; he never made any for Eddie and I think he knows that he never should have for Beth either. I think it was intrigue that drove him to listen to her and give her some leeway and then I think he was too impressed not to hear her out. Eventually though, I believe he just liked it. He liked seeing her and talking to her in cars and cafes, he enjoyed their loaded conversations and eye-fucking and I think he genuinely wanted her. Like really wanted her. To the point that he let her get away with things that no one else could, like turning him in. Honestly, I oscillate between thinking that he first became aware of his feelings for her at the end of 2x02 or maybe he was full on punched in the face by them in 2x09, after she kissed him and he just stared at her. Or maybe he knew he was f***ed when he retrieved the Dubby for her and stuffed it into her mailbox, instead of leaving it when he confirmed that Jane hadn’t been kidnapped. We saw how soft and open he was with her in 2x08 on her picnic bench. So basically, I don’t know when he realised and I love that it probably snuck up on him, past all the eye-fucks and amusement and exasperation.

So now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s address your first question, considering Rio’s POV first. I think the first thing that changed was that he suddenly became aware of how dangerous she is to him. In season 2 and probably in the latter half of season 1, I don’t think he could have killed Beth even if he wanted to. There was no way he was going to kill her after he said “Elizabeth. Go home” in 1x09. Also, I’ve said it before but I really do think that throughout 2x02, Rio didn’t know what to do with Beth, who by all accounts was his rotten egg at that point. A rotten egg he couldn’t deal with, despite berating her for being unable to handle her own. I believe that Rio is very self-aware and knew how many exceptions he had made for her but perhaps had convinced himself that it would be worth it, because she was useful. And the thing is she was. But in the business, I think she’d also be considered more trouble than she’s worth.

Realising that he had feelings for her would force him to reckon with the fact that, even though there is a clear imbalance of power in their professional relationship, she actually wields far more power over him that even she is aware of in their undefined personal relationship. And I think as soon as he became aware of that, he was forced to regroup and evaluate what he was doing. This was pretty quickly followed by the realisation that she hadn’t killed Boomer, that she had been lying to him throughout the season despite her insistence that they were partners. I believe that was the driving force behind the “That’s what I am? Work?” scene in 2x12.

Regarding Beth’s feelings, well, she was certainly thinking about Rio early in season 1 as well, “Rio. His name’s Rio.” Annie and Ruby’s responses to that were absolutely perfect and reflective of the audience’s reactions. And come on, with the way that Rio looked at her, called her out and challenged her. There’s no way she wasn’t thinking about him. Sure, she enjoyed it when he blatantly looked her up and down but I think something inside her unravelled when he looked at her with admiration and curiosity in 1x02 (“we’re normal people”) and at the end of 1x04 (“we’re not here to try, we’re here to win bitch!”).

I think Beth has felt undervalued by a lot of the men in her life, including Dean and probably her father (the lack of any mention of him was pretty conspicuous in the 2x08 flashbacks). I think she spent most of her adult life comfortable but not happy. Not unhappy either though. That uncomfortable in-between. Initially, I think she viewed Rio as an opening into the thrill of what she had just done in 1x03, a way to make some money, but part of the thrill was him; I mean, her lies to Agent Turner’s face revolved around both of them having sex. So she definitely thought about that, probably daydreamed about it too. However, I think she also liked what she saw in herself when he looked at her. Her capabilities. And, look, I’m not saying that Beth’s self-worth is tied to Rio. It certainly is not and that would be extremely unhealthy. We’ve seen how much she disregards him lol. What I’m saying is maybe she needed that acknowledgement. Everyone does.

None of this stopped her from turning on him towards the end of season 1, when he “broke up” with her. I am convinced that she was driven by fear of what he would do yes, but mainly by anger and vindictiveness. A bit of a screw you, I don’t need you to do this (and gosh, the irony of that considering the fact that Rio says that to her in 2x06) and how can you just walk away?

We all know that Beth represses a lot, so if she had just sat down and unpacked what she was feeling, she would’ve known pretty quickly what Rio represented to her, a thrill but also a genuine connection. Then, after the bathroom scene in 2x04, her blatant avoidance of discussing it definitely says to me that it meant more to her than she was willing to acknowledge at that point. Then along comes the green-eyed monster when she saw him with Dylan. Come on Beth. Even Annie and Ruby knew that you were jealous but she couldn’t acknowledge it. Instead, she repressed and threw herself into uncovering what his new hustle was. When he returned the Dubby to her and that exhale when she pulled it out of the envelope; Gosh, I think she was confused and decided to avoid what she was feeling even more but maybe it was leaking out without her permission when she and Rio were being so gentle and light-hearted, ribbing each other on the picnic bench.

Interestingly, I’m way more certain of when Beth realised that she had feelings for Rio and that’s probably because we, as the audience, are poised to view Rio from Beth’s point of view. Any insight we get into his character is usually through her, other than his scenes with Turner in 1x01 and Gretchen in 2x03. And we follow her not just in her scenes with him but also through the other aspects of her life, whereas we usually only see Rio in scenes with her. I believe that Beth became aware of and couldn’t repress her feelings anymore when Dean presented her with a choice. Their family or Rio. When she was presented with a time stamp on their relationship, it jolted her. I think by that point, Rio and her had been through a lot and yet always ended up in the same story anyway. Like none of it mattered. Their connection wasn’t erased by any of it. So, she must have stopped thinking that anything could permanently rip them apart. Like, she turned him in and yet there they were, doing what they always do and so what if it means something more? In those moments where Beth’s sitting at the bar, knowing what she had to do, she must have been dreading it. Maybe a little of that was fear of how he might retaliate but Beth knew by that point, in her bones, that Rio would not harm her. No, that dread was because she knew how she felt now and she knew that what she was about to do was going to hurt. Strangely, acknowledging her own feelings was what spurred her to act and seek out that “one last time” with him.

On to your second question, who says I love you first? Oh lord, honestly, I can’t imagine these two every fully exposing themselves like this, not verbally anyway. The Dubby was a pretty obvious declaration of Rio’s feelings (come on, the episode was called “The Dubby”), even if he was probably pissed off while stuffing it into her mailbox. I think, in his own twisted way, presenting her with Agent Turner in 2x13 was another, more f***ed up declaration of something. I’ve thought about this a lot but I can’t even imagine Beth and Rio hugging. Like, it blows my mind to even think about it. Part of the reason is that they are not there yet. They didn’t trust each other, not even before Beth shot him. Telling the other person they love them would expose them in ways that I don’t think either of them can stomach yet. I think it would make itself known in other ways and, hell, it already kind of has with the way they looked at each other in 2x09 before going to Beth’s house. Also, I think the music (Love and War by Fleurie) was an excellent choice for the final scene of the season 2 finale and it was also very telling of what these two represent to one another.

I low-key think that in season 3 or 4, Beth may end up making a declaration of her own, through her actions, of how she feels about Rio. Like saving his life or refusing to flip on him or protecting him in her own way. Her equivalent of the Dubby. And honestly, I will be living!

What I’m trying to say is that Beth and Rio are definitely those two that everyone would eventually know are in love but they would struggle to say it to each other, even if they knew it. If it did happen, I kind of think Beth would be the one to say it. The show is called Good Girls and it’s about our three gals. Beth left her pearls for Rio, lifted up her dress for him and crossed the distance between them to kiss him first. So, in keeping with that theme, it makes sense that she would be the one to say it.  

That being said, I can vaguely see both of them saying it. But in a resigned way. This is killing me. You could kill me. I know. I’m tired. I love you.

Like, all those thoughts and emotions swirling together, until it it just came out, leaden with exhaustion.

Anyway, that’s that. I am so sorry that it took me so long to answer this ask but I got ridiculously insecure with my answer and then realised that I had actually written that everyone will have different opinions, so I thought screw it. I’d really love to hear other peoples’ thoughts! Also, feel free to send in asks (they’ll defos be as rambly as this one, sorry)!

Btw, this is pretty irrelevant but can you imagine if we get to see scenes of Rio in the next season, thinking about her when she’s not there (maybe with the pearls)? Followed by Beth thinking about him? Probs won’t happen but I can dream.

[thats-a-real-mood]

Live posting prodigal son 1x09

-Omg he really likes that katana

-Oh shit he got stabbed

-Dreamception

-Awww the panda

-Malcolm...shit I forgot

-BI MALCOLM WHITLEY

Penetrated by a sword

-normalacy *grimaces* seems weird

-The fuck???? Eve is here now??

-why did you have to ask EVE? Literally anyone else?

-murder? Great! -eh not great by you know what I mean

-edrissa and Malcolm are great.

-The Clue reference

-The sex jokes and omg edrissa Yas

-Uhhh did someone break in to there house and have sex? Oof

-POLYAMOURS ADULTS

-Akajssyg

THEY HAD HIS PENIS CUT OFF

You know a guy?

Why do you know a guy?

“Can I ask you a normal question?”

Wait they fixed his hand?

-bro his hand

-wow really straight forward. I like. JT choking on the drink.

I think that chick is jasper

Wow that was interesting

David also has sex with Caleb

Okay never mind

Ahhhh Malcolm’s date

Why is his mom there with some old guy behind her? What the hell?

oh it’s a tailor

“We’re rich, we don’t do normal.”

-wow his mom is crazy

And WHO THE FUCK IS THAT LADY

Protective mom

“The psychic thing you do”

Oh No that’s what Sherlock said to johns wife and it went wrong

To far now. Stop profiling

~Why do people always say they can handle it and then don’t? What did you expect? To just not have him figure you out and and fail at what he does for a living?

Saying “I can handle it” in response to someone telling you “no you don’t want me doing that” and in front of an audience is a pet peeveof mine. Cause they always leave upset and angry at the character. Like ???? What did you expect?

Shit already blood on the floors of “jaspers house”

Knew it. She was apart of jasper

That blond chick is the murderer

The husband is in love with Caleb?

Oh

Beth liked Caleb

Oh shit the couple is in on it.

Why did the wife kill Caleb if she loved him?

Did samone kill Caleb and the “kidnapping” was staged to get suspicion off her?

Wait I thought Beth was blonde?

So confused???

Why did she change her hair?

Oh it’s a wig

Wow I feel Stupid. I thought it was because the actress had another thing.

Gil and Jessica and Malcolm’s parents. Maybe not married parents but his parents. Sorry I don’t make the rules.

Oh eve is back

Thank you malcolm for acknowledging that.

EXCUUUSE ME? Edrissa wants to be with you! don’t go for eve

Aww the bird

Sex in carpet is uncomfortable, why are you laying in it? Go to the bed.

Oh shit hallucination

“Find me”

She looks wet, and maybe those also look like ruffles? Can some one find the gifs so I can analyze them please?

—————————————————————-

Okay so thoughts!

Edrissa and the clue and sex jokes are amazing and I love her. I thought we were gonna get some Bi Malcolm Whitley with the writing and the subtext but not much this episode. Maybe there laying down the groundwork for the future?

That hallucination of the girl in the box was frightening sometimes especially at the end with eve but I was very intrigued about her. She looked like she was wet but that could have just been the lighting. I couldn’t tell if it was scar tissue or ?ruffles? Or the bruises on her wrists.

Eve wasn’t really suspicious this episode but she still has those weird vibes. Not saying that nothing suspicious happened at all because I’m talking the beginning of the episode where she just popped up? With nothing happening with her other than the date with Malcolm? With just her a love interest? Nothing really plot moving happening with her except at the end with his nightterror. That could move something along but not very much. Now for some of us, we don’t really connect to eve or like her I guess? Malcolm accidentally attacking her didn’t feel impactful for us but if it had been someone else it definitely would have been.

———————————————————————

Now then onto the next week trailer. Jessica is being badass and trying to head up the search on the ‘Girl in the box’ girl. She’s pushing back on how Martin has had this control on her life even with him locked up and I’m so proud of her for that but I really hope this doesn’t back fire on her or on malcolm. Now it appears that Malcolm has disappeared for some reason and we also see the junkyard killer but we also see more of Young!Malcolm. I know I haven’t seen very much of the trailer and I haven’t had time to rewatch it a few times yet so I will watch the trailer s few more times later and give you my thoughts later this week.

[vausemania]

I’d love to read your thoughts on Sylvie’s theory on Alex (destroying things before they can hurt her). Side note: weird that they had both Larry and Sylvie provide some one sided interpretation of Piper and Alex’s personalities/choices when they’re two of the very people who don’t know P&A AT ALL at the point that we saw them try to analyze their behaviours. Know what I mean??

I hear ya and I totally agree with you re: Larry and Sylvie. I'll repost some stuff about Larry's (incredibly-long) speech about Piper in 7x13 soon.

As for Sylvie, I call bullshit on her theory in 7x10 about Alex and relationships because what she said doesn't fit the Alex Vause that we know from the previous six seasons. Let's look at some of Sylvie's lines in the 7x10 flashback where she kicks Piper out of their apartment..."You need me to be broken so you feel needed."

Now I could be wrong, but the Alex Vause that *we* know doesn't strike me--in any way--as being generally insecure or lacking in self-confidence and needing to "feel needed". Also, Alex also didn't have a track record (as far as we know) of choosing broken people before the McCullough thing. Yes, Piper has her issues, but she's certainly not what I'd call "broken" (unlike Sylvia with her alcoholism or McCullough with her PTSD).

"You are so afraid of losing control that you just blow shit up before anyone can hurt you."

Piper had *so* many chances to hurt Alex over the past six seasons, and yet Alex never blew shit up until s7....so the idea of Alex sabotaging relationships makes no sense to me. If Alex /was/ going to sabotage a failing relationship, she would have done it in s3 when Piper went off the rails...and yet she didn't. "I'm not your fucking father---I'm not going to walk out on you."

This line makes no sense to me because Alex didn't even know her father, and he had no part in her life at all until she met him as a young woman. Also, I don't see Alex as having any abandonment issues *except* those having to do with Piper leaving her.

I think the 7x10 Sylvia flashbacks were an incredibly clumsy attempt on the show's part to partly (at least) explain away the Alex-McCullough relationship by trying to make Alex out to be someone she's not---an insecure person with a saviour complex who deliberately fucks up relationships in order to avoid heartache. Maybe the show thought it was being charitable in showing Alex as some kind of saviour of lost souls, but I would rather they'd been honest in showing her as someone with a history of manipulating people when she's knee-deep in survival mode, like she was in s7. More about that in a later post...but thanks for the 'ask'!

Late addition: It drives me crazy that Sylvie's theory on Alex and relationships was also used by the show to "explain" why Alex went after Piper (because she was afraid of losing Sylvie). I think that's BS. As I said in an 'ask' immediately after this one, I do not think for one minute that Alex went after Piper because she thought Sylvie was going to leave her. I think Alex fell for Piper because Piper is Piper….and (as Alex said to Nicky in 1x09) Piper was “different” :)

[firesoulstuff]

Welcome Back (To The Freakshow)

My first Doom Patrol Fic!

Takes places after the last episode (1x09)

Jane’s been quiet these past few days.

That’s fine; she went through a lot in the underground.

When she didn’t come to dinner that night Cliff made her Baby Doll’s favorite, he’s pretty sure she likes those sandwiches too, and brought it up to her room.

“Jane?” He’d asked, knocking lightly as his clunky hands would. “I uh… I made you a sandwich.” No answer.

“Look, I know uh… I know you’ve just been through a lot and you probably don’t want to talk about it but, um, if you need anything, you know where to find me. Ok?” Again he didn’t receive an answer.

“I’m just gonna leave this here.” He said and nudged the plate through the slot in her door, and he groaned internally when he heard it shatter.

He hadn’t really thought she would want to talk, at least not anytime soon, and he gets that sometimes he can be impatient, but it’s been almost a week now and still she has hardly said anything, about anything.

Not just anything concerning the underground, anything at all.

She murmurs a few small “yes’s” and “no’s” when asked a question, and more disturbingly “pleases and thank you’s” when asking for something; Rita dropped a glass the first time she heard it.

She hasn’t even told any of them to fuck off since the ordeal; in fact he isn’t sure if she’s even used the word fuck, it’s weird.

He’s also a little worried about the others, cause he hasn’t seen so much as one sign of Hammerhead, Baby Doll, or even Silver Tongue. Then again Penny had seemed pretty insistent on getting Jane back to the surface, so maybe they all felt the same and are taking a break from driving.

She’s sitting at the counter when he walks into the kitchen, although why the fuck he ever bothers coming into the kitchen is beyond him, but still, she’s alone.

“Hey,” he says, trying to sound cheery, “You want to watch a movie tonight? Rita’s finally coming around on stuff she isn’t in; I’m trying to convince her to go for Karate Kid.”

Nothing.

“I think I got Cyborg on board, your vote would give us majority.”

Nothing.

“Jane?”

Still nothing.

He isn’t going to push further than that, so he opens up a cabinet and starts checking the rattraps, because fuck if he is going to let another rat-

“I’m not Jane.”

He freezes, then swivels his head. She’s still sitting there, picking at a loose thread on the cuff of her sweatshirt.

She looks like Jane, no eyeliner but otherwise like Jane.

“So which one are you?”

She doesn’t answer him with words. Instead she curls in on herself even further than she already is and starts to cry.

“Whoa, hey. Hey I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.” He stutters, trying to think of something to say.

He takes a step closer, his instinct is to put his hands on her shoulders but given his current situation with hands and his tendency to sometimes grip things too hard he doesn’t want to accidentally wind up hurting her. Besides, given the demons she’s faced lately, and the lack of Hammerhead to tell him, he isn’t sure how she’d react to touch.

So he stands awkwardly in front of her, waiting while her tears peter out, and when they turn to hiccups he decides he can make himself useful by getting her a glass of water.

Her hiccups are coming in rapid squeaks by the time he places the glass on the counter, and she reaches forward with a trembling hand.

“Th..th…tha..”

“Easy,” he hums, “Take your time, you don’t want to choke.”

She nods, and then promptly ignores him and attempts drinking the water. She chokes, of course, and he can’t help her because anything his stupid metal limbs try to do will only end up hurting her.

“Shit, what did I just say?” She tries to choke out an apology, and if he could roll his eyes he would, but instead he gets more water and at least this time she has the sense to wait until she can breathe for longer than half a second at a time.

“Sorry.” She finally manages after draining the second glass.

“It’s ok.” He says, and while she wipes at her eyes he pulls up a chair and takes a seat. “So, you’re not Jane?”

It isn’t really a question, even if he asks it like one. She nods anyway, and suddenly he is very afraid because, well, she’s been like this ever since they came back from the trip into her mind.

And he knows that was Jane at the well.

“Ok, so what’s your name?”

She shutters, her hands going back to the empty glass and gripping it so tight he almost thinks she might shatter it.

“I’m Kay.”

Her voice is heavy, like the name should mean something important. But all he knows about Kay is she’s the one he met in Bernheim, and then he was told to neverask about her again. So what is he supposed to-?

“Kay Challis?”

“My name is Miranda.”

“Miranda was a primary, like Jane.”

“You should see your true essence.”

Fuck.

She’s still gripping that glass, her teeth digging into her lip.

“You… You’re the…” The what? The real one? No, Jane is real. Hammerhead is real. Baby Doll, Penny, Karen; they’re all real. But Kay is… maybe original is the word he’s looking for. But that makes her sound like a science experiment.

“Yeah.” She mutters, like she doesn’t know what to classify herself as any better than he does.

“Jane trusts you, right?” She asks after a very awkward silence.

“Uh… I think so. I mean, she’s never said anything but the others have told me she does.”

She nods and puts down the glass, her fingers curling into the fabric of her sleeves again and she looks anywhere but at him.

“I’m not very good at talking to the others.” She says, “The things they’ve seen, the things they’ve done… I don’t remember any of it. It’s like I’ve been asleep, for a long time.”

He almost asks how long, but given the fact that she was just a kid in school when the teacher started yelling at her for insisting she was Miranda, he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want the answer. His next instinct is to ask about the last thing she does remember, but there is a very good chance that thing will be a certain douchebag and hearing about it will have him putting more holes in the concrete walls of the basement. Again.

“You don’t remember anything from your life?” He finally decides on, and then just for clarity’s sake adds “After…”

“I remember feelings.” She says thoughtfully. “And names, and facts. I know where I am, how to paint, do math, and who you all are. But, I don’t remember learning any of it. My mind’s just kind of like, ‘Ok, you’re here now. Here’s what you need to know.’ But I don’t remember anything about any of it.”

He nods along with her words, though if he’s being totally honest he isn’t sure he follows exactly. Doesn’t matter, he’s a little more concerned with the sudden look of fear on her face.

“And… I remember Bernheim.”

Right, because that psychopath had forced her out.

She looks like she might start crying again, and he can’t blame her. She hadn’t been ready to come out then, she’d been ripped out of whatever little mental room of safety she’d built for herself so long ago.

But she’s here now, of her own accord.

“I remember Bernheim too.” He says, “I mean, I couldn’t see you, ya know, because I was a brain. But I could feel it when you picked me up, which thank you, by the way, I’m not sure if that message got to you.”

She giggles, a real giggle he knows he has never seen on any of the personalities, not even Baby Doll or Karen.

“You’re welcome.” She says, but as soon as the smile’s come it fades, and she looks worried again.

“Um… Jane and the others are all still a part of me, I think. But…”

“But you’re gonna be the one on the surface from now on.”

“I’m gonna try to be.”

He nods, and he’ll admit this is one of those very rare times where he’s grateful to be a robot; no tears to betray him.

“But, because I’m not very good with communicating with them, can you give Jane a message for me? The next time you see her?”

“Of course.”

“Can you tell her thank you?” She asks; her fists now fully curled into the worn cuffs of her hoodie, her teeth nibbling at the edges. “For protecting me?”

“Yeah, yeah I can do that.”

He’s pretty sure he sounds a little too eager, but for the record, this is the first of her personalities whom he hasn’t had to immediately fight tooth and nail for so much as a conversation (except for maybe Penny), never mind asking him for a favor.

She nods and mutters a quiet “thank you”, and gets off her stool and starts to leave.

“Oh, and Cliff?” She says; he hadn’t even realized she’d turned back.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

[elizabethrobertajones]

Do you think we'll see Dean and Jody discuss Cas? Does Jody even know Cas exists? They told her s8 angels exits and she was claire but still i thibk textually they never mentioned his name around her? Im guessing they are gonna discuss Deans feeling about Mary since Jody knew her but Cas?

I don’t know, which I know I say to like basically all questions about speculation but this one is something I don’t really have a clue about and I’m not even sitting on my thumbs pretending not to have an opinion because I’d rather not say anything on the record until I know I’m right or not… I really, genuinely, to the best of my ability to sound it all out and guess from the available information, don’t know :P 

It depends how they handle Cas being gone overall, whether Dean’s openly, loudly mourning him all the time every episode constantly, which is a detail where I’d only be able to offer you a confident speculation on the eve of this episode anyway after seeing the first 2. If Dean goes stoic and jaw-twitchy but quiet about it then probably not but that’s just like… super obvious and short term.

In the mean time, please assume the tin foil hat position you’d take to listen to a conversation that sounds like this:

There’s quite a lot to pack in with meeting Patience, and getting our guys some good face to face time with Jody for any emotional support they need to sponge off her. Sam doesn’t seem to be around so he may be off with Jack, but if he wasn’t, he’d probably want to learn how to be a mom to him from Jody, for all we know :P Thematically it might sort of be that way anyhow - if Patience doesn’t come in direct contact with Sam it seems ridiculously unlikely she’s not going to be thematically connected to him and therefore Jack through an extremely easy join the dots between 13x03 and 1x09. (Sam already kinda went one round with this sort of thing in 12x04 so in a way he’s got his booster shot of dealing with it directly so it can just be storytelling mirrors for him :P)

Certainly Jody is more connected to Mary symbolically and in general the Wayward Sisters stuff has been more about parenting and those dynamics recently, with 11x12 looking at how Jody copes and teasing us with hindsight for Mary’s return with Dean talking to her about wishing his mom had been around, and in 12x06 and 12x22 she and Mary sort of bounce off each other as moms directly in a continuation of that - in 12x16 she’s not around except on the other end of phonecalls but Dean’s carrying on parenting Claire as a hunter a lil bit. 

Of all of those, 11x12 was the only one to make a nod to Cas with Claire holding grumpy cat in one of her scenes, but the show has decided to treat him a lot as just the inciting incident to get her onto the road hunting by dragging her into the life, while Dean does the thing he does around feisty wayward teenagers, and probably was mostly responsible for switching Claire’s amateur detective attempt onto a hunting thing in 10x20. I don’t want to make Claire cringe but I think she thought he was actually kinda cool and inspired her or something, because she had not had any interest in the supernatural side of things before that episode… 

Despite all her connections to Cas I think Dean sort of birthed hunter!Claire, so the story sort of wanders that direction and leaves Cas behind because he’s more like Azazel in Claire’s story than anything, even if a very sad soft squishy Azazel who gave her a stuffed toy for her birthday :P Still they played it like her forgiving and hugging Cas was about the same as Dean finally getting to shoot Azazel, in both case freeing them to go do their job with the angsty backstory resolved…

In any case, I think Cas is probably an emergency contact Jody has for Claire-related stuff, although whether they told her to or not, she’d probably always call Sam and Dean first because she knows and understands them (and has met them), and I think the story is asking us to believe that with this symbolism of Claire getting past what Cas did to her family, she’s in a new stage of life he’s not a part of in the same way even if she does cling onto grumpy cat, and Cas is still family to people who consider Jody as family, who she considers family. Sort of shunting him from awkward dad no. 3 of 4 as per 10x20′s recap and symbolism to a weird uncle or something. (Although if Jody has mom symbolism to both Claire and Dean, that makes them siblings and Cas her brother in law… this found family stuff is really difficult :P)

So there’s all that shaping my expectations - Claire’s not in the episode and she’s our connection between Cas and Jody. Previous episodes have made it clear that Sam and Dean really hate calling even beloved friends with their shit and don’t tell Jody alarmingly huge things like that Mary came back from death. She’s been offering a shoulder to Dean personally while he’s been going through all his stuff, and in 9x08 I think Sam did open up to Jody more than Dean even when they were all in the same room, never mind in that and 7x12 they got split up from Dean and actually bonded (And I think this is also a quote from Kim Rhodes but also just something fairly obvious, that because Sam was the one connected to her more in her intro episode and ended up shooting her zombie son for her, they’ve always had a closer emotional bond via shared trauma). 

I don’t think it’s showing that Sam and Jody aren’t as close now to have her switch focus to Dean but that Jody is determined to get Dean to open up to her *too*. In 12x06 they have really different attitudes about her when Sam makes the comment about Dean’s “animated Japanese erotica” which show how they’ve grown in different directions with Jody. So I think Sam’s closeness to her is fairly accepted fact and now Dean’s the tough nut to crack for her :P Anyway she’s made the offer two or three times now that she’s there to talk if Dean in particular needs her (definitely 10x08 and 12x06… Can’t remember if she said as much in 11x12 although they did also have an actual personal conversation in that episode, so one point to Jody there). I think 12x06 made it clear there’s still an owed conversation of greater than that opening up and spilling the beans on what’s making him emo right now, so there’s that.

And Cas and Mary have been connected all through season 12, in their arcs, in the subtext, in basically everything, and Dean textually named that in 12x22 that in the start of the season he’d “got Cas back, got Mom back” and in 12x23 of course he loses both, again, in a highly inter-connected way, and so again they’re going to be parallel lines to him, though again I think showing how he feels differently about one and the other and hopefully we get to unpack what those individual losses mean by the way of having both at once (and Crowley, who often in these cases is included to put a finger on the scale :P). 

One of the things confusing me right now is of last night’s behind the scenes set peeking which revealed a Turducken Slammer relaunch from the ever-hopeful Biggerson’s, which is not letting frequent murder and mayhem and dodgy meat recalls on its premises stop it from trying. Even if it’s as overall irrelevant to the story in the sense of being mentioned or actually explored as the Mystery Spot sign in 12x01, it’s still telling us something and making connections. I mean yeah it can just be worldbuilding continuity but it’s always picked for a reason and they know what all these signs mean and how to connect them, which is why we have the beer language for example. 

And Jody is pretty deeply connected to season 7 and Dean’s arc. And this connection was obliquely referenced in 12x06 in that moment I already mentioned, where Sam outs Dean’s porn habits to Jody. It was a nod from Yockey that he’d watched past Jody episodes because in every way it was a season 12 style rehash of Sam’s “strictly into Dick” comment, which was from a Jody episode. And… look, maybe this is the best way to explain how I felt the season 12 references were kind of out of this world in their scope and intelligence :P 

For starters, that comment was not just a run of the mill Dick joke, that was a Robbie level Dick joke, which collected up a hilarious character thing for Sam (his fucked up moment when he should have made the barb, his determination to hang onto the Best Zinger Of His Life until Dean next gave him an opportunity and bless Sam’s cotton socks he delivered it like a pro :P) and Dean’s spiralling obsession with Dick as a Dick or Anime thing. Dean’s anime-watching was from 7x01, when he was waiting for Godstiel to blow up the planet in despair, and was at just about the lowest point we’ve ever seen him. In 7x02 Bobby gives him the “You just lost your best friend” pep talk, which is a role of comforting parental figure Dean then went and lost that season when Bobby died. And in the end of 7x02 Dean reveals how Not Fine he is to Bobby’s answerphone, which is important that it’s never commented on again but I think affects how Bobby treats him and in the subtext of 7x09 you have to know all that happened. 

In 7x09 Bobby’s on his farewell tour of comforting advice to his adopted sons, in the last great set of retconning episodes to embed him permanently into their backstory as having always been there for them, to make it hurt juuust that much more than it already does. Towards the end of the episode he has another talk with Dean that mirrors advice Dean will get from Frank and Ness in 7x11 and 7x12, and *that* is opened up by Dean getting drugged by the turducken slammer and going on about how he doesn’t care about how he doesn’t care, and that he feels great for the first time since Cas and the black goo. Like, wow, his depression and hurt and betrayal didn’t go anywhere just because he said he was fine, who knew :P 

And that’s the backstory to Dean’s obsession over killing Dick, who has taken everything from him by this point in season 7, told through the medium of anime and sandwiches and somehow always ending up about Cas and Dean’s feelings for him. The anime was an attempt to not care and not think about it that the slammer actually inflicted on Dean, and was used to get Dean to tell us how he really felt. By 7x12 it’s a joke for Sam to make implying Dean’s into lowercase dick, with one of those false binaries the show loves making. And like in season 13 Dean’s lost a love interest and a parental figure, and now things are really blurry about which one hurts more in this short run of episodes before they both reappear in the narrative and make it confusing. 7x11 makes the hurt most about Bobby. 7x12 subtextually tells us rather a lot about Cas, especially by making a Bobby figure to contrast in the background with the lady in the shop who literally calls Dean an idjit at some point, I think, or some other Bobby-ism, to make it clear that Ness is definitely not standing in for that and all those Cas parallels are probably where it’s at while Dean fangirls over him :P 

And nope I’m not even done unpacking the Yockey Robbie Edlund turducken because of course JODY is all tied up in this completely. She’s incidentally in 7x02 as a useful local beloved character who can get menaced by Dr Sexy and let them know there’s leviathan nearby, and so she’s pretty embedded in the early Leviathan worldbuilding. Of course Edlund being Edlund, while the lil girl leviathan is channel surfing for ideas, there’s a Biggerson’s advert, I think the same one that plays in 7x03 or 7x22 about their pie salad bar (it’s like a salad bar, but pie!) and in the end she lands on wanting to be a Dr Sexy when she grows up. 

(Stop me when you think this might somehow subtextually be about Dean :P)

The Dr Sexy leviathan has an amusingly childlike view on being a surgeon as a result of forming its opinions on that job while being a little girl, and apparently not listening to the memories of the poor guy it ate except to get a frightening knowledge of anatomy. It very much acts the part of being a doctor on TV who can just wheel patients off to perform unnecessary surgery, as per the malpractice of our favourite sexy doctor on TV - and there’s a thing to contemplate about “I’m not a doctor, I just play one one TV” but that’s digressing :P But it goes and menaces Jody and Bobby goes and saves her, and Robbie brings her back 2 more times in season 7, once in 7x06 to thank Bobby for saving her, and to link them romantically so she can even more handily take over the parental role by being romantically linked to their adopted father, which is just a sort of easy association to help. And in 7x12 of course she’s just there and helping and mourning Bobby a lil bit with Sam (since Dean was the one in the focus for mourning Bobby in 7x11), drinking his dubiously won scotch from 11x16 (… Rufus didn’t have to let him have that one, Bobby WAS insisting it was a ghost :P I think he just wanted Bobby to have a win after seeing how down he was.) But that IS a Jody episode so it would have been on Yockey’s list for homework for 12x06 and it contained the anime/Dick thing. 

And, if he’d watched the deleted scene, at the end of the episode Dean makes it clear that he’s not sitting alone in the dark watching anime, he is strictly into Dick, and goes and reads an article on Dick “erecting” a tower.

(I hope it is clear how much I love the Dick references in season 7 by now and I’m not sorry, they started it :P)

So yeah. Jody is already intrinsically linked into a ridiculous chunk of the Dean/Cas subtext from season 7, the absolute wild nonsense that Edlund and Robbie were messing around with with pie and turducken and Dr Sexy and anime and Dick, to create the absolutely most ridiculous, like… no one part of it on its own in isolation doesn’t make you cry laughing, bit of storytelling (that, of course, added up into a full picture, just makes you cry a lot in earnest for poor Dean right then).

To me this is the picture of Dean mourning Cas in season 7, and the unique elements to season 7 are the anime (already referenced in season 12 just as an aside and I don’t think as anything more than a witty reference to past canon except that Dean was “kinda bummed” about Cas being gone (and don’t worry, I’m getting to Berens :P)) and the turducken, and Jody as one of the key characters wandering through all this picking up the emotional baton from Bobby, which she has been attempting to use on them ever since season 9, when they got back in contact with her after neglecting her all of season 8. 

(And, oh gosh, I stared out the window to try and collect my thoughts for the next paragraph and washed up on thinking about Sam going and crashing out on Jody over the Dean in Purgatory period instead of hitting a dog and ending up with Amelia, like Dean with Lisa except by the time Dean gets back Sam’s probably been whipped into shape and is wandering around Sioux Falls in a deputy uniform…)

Anyway yeah, to go back to 13x03 finally… If the Turducken sign isn’t portentous of anything, I’m still seeing the Gas n Sip sign, in the maroon colours rather than blue one, but still, in a Berens episode. And if you can’t get mourning Cas in season 7 via Jody and a turducken related things to stick, you can totally shortcut through the fairly simple steps of Berens + Gas n Sip = 9x06 and assume whatever personal feelings stuff Dean and Jody talk about, this is a great way to cram Cas into the background via the enormous glowing yellow sun that has come to represent him. (And, of course, it was Berens who had the “morning, Sunshine” line for us in 12x03.)

So I think the set stuff and character stuff all have some fairly good slap to the back of the head things for Dean to maybe open up to Jody or at the very least for whatever he says to her to be heavily subtextually about Cas even if Jody asks about Mary. Because Dean’s wearing weirdly Cas-coded clothes, and Jody is wearing the family unity red n blue plaid colours. The maroon Gas n Sip seems to be more about family and even Wayward Sisters, since it was prominently used behind Claire in 12x16 and maroon has been a lot about family because of the infamous red hoodie that Kevin, Charlie and Cas all wore, and that Mary was put in maroon within an episode of getting back (and Chuck tried to cash in on it in 11x21 to make himself look harmless and cute and relatable in the same hoodie). But even in 12x16 having the Gas n Sip sun looking over Claire, with her connections to Cas, made it seem like he was watching over her too. The colours change the meaning in some ways but the overall message is the same. I think in 13x03 we have to remember it’s also going to be about the Wayward Sisters so whether Jody and Dean are having a personal conversation or not, the sun might be about Cas but the overall thing might be a more neutral family building thing for the main arc stuff. If it was a blue Gas n Sip I’d immediately think it was all about Cas and oozing tragic subtext *everywhere* and completely unavoidably.

(it might also just be that they’re maroon because Biggerson’s are and maybe there’s some sort of corporate alliance of Gas n Sips connected to Biggerson’s, because, after all, Dick Roman ended up owning both franchises and by 7x23 you can see that both are involved in his masterplan, which is part of why I love so much Cas is then intimately connected to both later while still in a gloomy penance mood about the whole thing and everything he’s ever done since…)

… So to actually answer your question, I can see some really really convoluted reasons in the history of the show that if Dean and Jody have their big important “seriously how are you” talk in this exact location while hanging out and hugging in front of all these signs, that they might either not mention Cas at all because he’s not a part of the openly stated story going on between Dean and Jody and all this family stuff and Wayward Sisters and everything absorbed into the entire chunk of the show about parental relationships, of which Jody has been a part since 7x06 thanks to Robbie. Or it’s a part of the emotional backstory to Dean losing Cas which Edlund kicked into high gear in 7x02 while dibsing all the important Dean and Bobby conversations which shine a light on Dean’s loss and Cas, also dragging Jody into a ridiculous web of Dr Sexy and stuff that Robbie and then much much later Yockey were playing around with.

Either way,

[hollands-gf]

Riverdale

thank youu❣️❣️❣️•Top 5 favourite characters: cHERYL, Kevin, Joaquin, Josie and Valerie the rest is trashhh (except Betty?)•Other characters you like: Betty, alice, FP and Fred ((maybe archie and jughead when they are not annoying af))•Least favourite characters: honestly rn it’s Veronica sorry not sorry•Otps: jOAVIN, archeryl and MAYBE bughead a bit•Notps: aRCHIERONNIE I hate it•Favourite friendships: cheryl and josie and also Cheryl x Polly had a lot of potential, also when Betty called Cheryl to save her, that was amazing™•Favourite family: Fred Andrews and archie andrews (not the mother she annoys me) also I like Betty, Polly and Alice’s relationship•Favourite episodes: 1x09, 1x13 and 1x12•Favourite season/book/movie: it only has one•Favourite quotes: anything by Cheryl lmaoBest musical moment: when Josie and the pussycats perform👌👀•Moment that made you fangirl/boy the hardest: I don’t think I had any moments like that•When it really disappointed you: honestly when joavin had to break up and also when they fucking left Cheryl for sex and party after she literally tried to kill herself???•Saddest moment: when jughead’s mother rejected him over the phone also when cheryl attempted suicide•Most well done character death: Jason? The only death lol•Favourite guest star: none•Favourite cast member: I love Lili and Cami also madelaine bc she is my queen and my fav•Character you wish was still alive: none•One thing you hope really happens: Cheryl having decent friends (also my otps happen pleaseeeee)•Most shocking twist: tHE INCEST LMAOOO•When did you start watching/reading?: When it first came out•Best animal/creature: Vegas❤️•Favourite location: honestly the school bc drama™•Trope you wish they would stop using: Archie trying to pick every damn girl up at the show tf???•One thing this show/book/film does better than others: nothing lol •Funniest moments: can’t remember any•Couple you would like to see: ARCHERYL👏👀 also i’d like some chosie,cheronica and/or beronica•Actor/Actress you want to join the cast: I don’t want any•Favourite outfit: literally anything Cheryl wears•Do you own anything related to this show/book/film?: Nope not planning to have one•What house/team/group/friendship group/family/race etc would you be in?: I’d be friends with Betty bc we are identical•Most boring plotline: archieronnie👀•Most laughably bad moment: “I’m a weirdo. I’m weird. Did you see me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird” 💯•Most layered character: Cheryl (sorry she is my fav lol)•Most one dimensional character: Archie lmao so bland•Scariest moment: when they showed Jason’s body in the river•Best looking male: Jughead•Best looking female: Cheryl and veronica •Who you’re crushing on (if any): cHERYL LMAO and also a lil bit on Archie but I’m disappointed in myself bc I do•Favourite cast moment: I don’t watch interviews•Most beautiful scene (scenery/shot wise): can’t remember any•Unanswered question/continuity issue/plot error that bugs you: honestly tf happened to Kevin and betty??•At what point did you fall in love with this show/book: I actually never did I was just wondering who tf murdered Jason also now I’m into the show only bc I love Cheryl too damn much

[badassclarke]

I was doing a little S1 rewatch and the idea of Bellamy being there for Clarke got stuck in my mind. This draft has been here since idk 4x04 when they were separated. It takes place between 1x09 and 1x10, when the Exodus ship crashed and they go on a search party after.

This is my first published fan fiction ever and I’m probably not that good at writing - feel free to notice me of any typos or grammar mistakes, really, anything you notice that might be constructive. I’m also not that familiar with writing in English and Tumblr/songs/series have been my only source of contact with the language sooo. That’s it. Hope someone reads you guys enjoy it. 

***

“NO!” Clarke shouted, horrified. “No, no, no, no, no, this can’t be happening”, she thought, not with her mom, her own mother. No, no, DAMN, no!

There was no longer track of time and space; the only feeling Clarke experienced was a monster growing inside her, aching her stomach, making her gasp for breath, blurring her sigh and sending one hundred needles throughout her body.

She suddenly feels everything: the loss of Wells, hating him when she should’ve hated Abby and refusing to speak with her mother when she had the chance. Now that was impossible: she was forever gone and all the hate was for nothing. Her mother was dead, burned and cold.

It all dizzies her. Clarke wanted to cry at her mom’s lap, be reassured and get out of that hurricane. Everything spins, she knows she has to get out and she wants to scream “GET OUT, CLARKE!”, but her body is unable to answer. She’s stuck and her mind spins as well.

“Clarke?,” the voice was distant like a dream, “Clarke, can you hear me?”

There’s a hand on her shoulder, touching her lightly, “I’m here.”

He shouldn’t be in the middle of that mess. She recognizes his voice and he should protect their people, otherwise they’d all explode. Like her mom did.

Suddenly, low voices were everywhere to be heard and there was some gossip as well. Not much after, curious delinquents were out looking for some explanation.

“What was that?“ A boy whispered to the group. “Should we worry?”

“Jessica said it was an explosion.”

“What about the screams?”

Bellamy looked at the girl on her knees below him. Clarke had always shown herself as brave and strong but right now she was shattered into a million pieces. He knew what it felt like when the only twisted sort of protection in your life was gone. No matter the issues he had with Aurora, he’d wanted her to stay with him. Clarke was surely experiencing the same misery.

The delinquents started to look at her with mixed feelings: pity, irony, despise, shock and incredulity among them. There was no way in hell Bellamy would allow them to see their princess like that.

“Everyone back inside! NOW! There’s nothing to be seen.” Regardless, one guy remained with the pair. “Are you deaf?“ 

"But my family-”

“I don’t care." Bellamy mentally cursed, knowing rudeness was the last thing they all needed. "Tomorrow we’ll go on a search party, okay? You can do more from the inside organizing a group than here.”

Bellamy almost felt sorry for the delinquent, just a kid trying to hold back a sob. He disappeared into the darkness, leaving both Clarke and Bellamy alone again. She was still kneeled in fetal position and, fuck, Bellamy had no clue on how to reach her.

“Clarke, we need you. I need you. Did you hear me? We’re going on a search party tomorrow. Clarke. Please, come back.” Bellamy knelt in front of her, soft whispering to her ear. “You’re okay. I got you, you’re going to be okay.”

He keeps the mantra because he doesn’t know what else to do. Clarke was lost in a whole different world and Bellamy was afraid it was one worst than theirs, if possible. Crowds and rebel teenagers were okay to inspire but broken individuals? He tried, of course, but how can you help fix someone when you can’t fix yourself? If they switched places, she’d know. She always did. He just desperately wanted to do something about excruciating pain.  

“Breathe. You’re okay, you just need to breathe.”

Slowly his words started filling her mind. She was okay. At the ground, but okay.

“It’s Bellamy. I’ll stay with you, just take a deep breath.” Clarke inhaled and exhaled after he pronounced it, much to Bellamy’s astonishment.

“That’s right. I’m here, keep breathing.”

Her eyes are hazy and full of tears when she finally looks at him; her palms, sweaty. She almost feels like waking up from a nightmare except that reality hadn’t changed. It was still awful.

“Bellamy?” She asked in a thread of voice.

"Hey.” 

“What happened?”

"You were in shock. I think you had a breakdown.” The information makes her try to recompose her face and wipe away the tears. “It’s fine. You’ve been through a lot.”

Clarke subtly nods. “Yeah.“

"You need to get some rest.” Bellamy offered her a hand, which was a welcome surprise although she didn’t take it right away.

It was at least ironic that he was the one providing her comfort and safety when he threatened her for starters. But the truth was: the more Clarke learnt about him, more he grew on her. They were partners now. He’d already proven he was there. Bellamy Blake was making Clarke Griffin stand in every meaning of the word. With this in mind, she takes it.

“I don’t want to sleep here.” She whispered after they reached her tent. Clarke didn’t want to be alone or to be reminded Abby would be there if she had made it to the ground. The thought her mother would’ve loved the Earth was too heavy to carry.

Bellamy assents understanding. “You can stay in mine. I’ll be in watch.“

"You’re a terrible liar, Bellamy. I know you have to sleep for the search party.” He smiles and shakes his head. “What?”

“Nothing. It’s just ridiculous you’re still able to rationalize after all of,” He gestures, unable to find the words, “This.”

Clarke attempts to smile. “I’m supposed to be The Head, you know?”

“Whatever you say, princess." 

Sometimes Bellamy felt like it was too easy to put his walls down around her, maybe a bit too much. It was easier to let her in than to let her go, anyway.

"I’ll just keep thinking of plans.”

“That’s not a definition of rest.” He deeply inhaled before saying anything again. “We can stay together.”

The suggestion was both sweet and tempting for Clarke, considering she really didn’t want to be alone and Bellamy was doing a nice job distracting her. To be fair, it’s not like she had many other people to lean on at the moment.

“I mean, if that’s not weird for you”, he added.

“Thank you.” She said and he shrugged his shoulders, heading to his tent.

It was a silent walk and there were tears shimmering Clarke’s eyes but she refused to let them fall. Bellamy had already seen much of her misery.

Once they arrived, Clarke stood awkwardly still. What if someone arrived? That’d put them in a very uncomfortable position.

“No one will bother you. You can relax.” He said like he was inside her mind. Actually, in some ways, he was.

Clarke didn’t think relaxing was possible but she also didn’t realize how exhausted she was. That whole damn hour had made her body weaker than a five miles walk would have. That’s why when Bellamy sat with his back touching the tent and pointed at the sheets and pillows in front of him, it was no surprise Clarke almost fell.

“We leave at first light.” He reassured, closing his eyes.

There were many things stuck in Clarke’s tongue. “Thank you”, “you should rest too” and “lay here” among them. Unfortunately, nothing came out of her mouth. She just buried her face in his pillow and it’s smell was a mix of mint, soil and sweat that was so Bellamy. Right in that moment, it meant safety and that was enough.

Bellamy watched Clarke surrender herself to her physical needs – sometimes it was easy to forget she was just a girl. She’d always carried the weight of the world on her shoulders and they were all responsible for letting her. It was sad, really, that watching her asleep, soft and peaceful, made him realize how she struggled to be the opposite everyday. For their survival. Not even Atlas deserved that burden on his own.

If Clarke really meant she needed him… God, he knew there was no chance to step back. She was human, not the unstoppable force of nature she manifested herself into, and she could break too. Clarke’s puzzle was being exposed little by little as the time passed and Bellamy was glad to be the one helping her put the pieces back together.