#Therapy works

[performing-personhood]

I learned a kind of funny thing and I need to tell you bc it's important, cmere. Lean in so the others can't hear okay?

Ok so like

I know that the reason we are the way we are is because at some point we took up some space - as people do - and someone turned to us and went "whoa, excuse you! What do you think you're doing" or something, right? And they were, like, surprised and offended that we took up space and told us to stay real small and subservient? And we were pretty young, you and me, and we didn't really grok Peopling yet and so we assumed that everyone else was going to have that expectation too?

Okay I just learned: that isn't true at all, that person was just an asshole.

Babe. BABE. This is big.

Ok do you realize ??? that most people when they're around someone - anyone, this is important, it's an unconscious reflex and happens rather automatically - and that person is like "I have an opinion and desires and also some needs and I am going to express them openly" Did you realize, because I didn't, that most people completely intuitively go "oh! There's another person here! Lemme just scootch over so they fit better :)" PEOPLE MAKE ROOM FOR YOU.

People don't ignore us, when we're silently having wants and needs and waiting our turn to be noticed, they just have similar very loud brains and have no idea because beung corporeal is Distracting™️. Not only do people just need a reminder that you're there, they're totally happy to accomodate. In a distinctly "ope! My bad, lemme just- here-" sort of way.

My spouse has a loud brain and drowns it out with Mario Kart. I've spent most of my life quietly entertaining myself in all of these instances, because at some point someone told me I was supposed to "go play" and nobody wanted to play with me so I entertained myself right? Okay. Well I recently had a sea change and decided I was gonna pop my headphones in and watch TV on my tablet when he was doing his Mario Karting. Because the boy will easily go for four hours and I just spontaneously realized that it would actually be ridiculous if he got butthurt at me for putting some quiet tv on for myself instead of watching a grown man play the same video game for hours.

You know what happened? Not only did nobody's feelings get hurt, but I have never made it more than twenty minutes into a show before he ends a match and switches the console off. And I have never asked him to do so. When I'm over there doing my own thing with my own TV show like a person instead of just scrolling on my phone trying real hard not to exist, somewhere in his unconscious he goes "there's a whole other human being on the other end of the sofa from me. I want to turn this off and engage with that person!"

Okay do you understand what I am telling you??

When you behave like a human person and treat yourself like a human person, other people also instinctively treat you like a human person and they're happy to be reminded that they get to engage with you. The person in our past that reacted differently and got mad at us for being a person, plainly and simply: they were just being an asshole to us.

The people we love want to engage with us. Almost all of them!!! And not only that?? Most other human beings feel the same way.

Huge. Big huge.

Don't take my word for it baby cakes okay, take a sec and muster up the courage (it'll be scary the first time, but the thinking about it is always scarier than doing it I swear) and then get back out there and practice being your very own human person occupying human people space, around someone who loves you, and just... watch what happens. The first time someone warmly, graciously, voluntarily accommodates you is the greatest feeling a corporeal being can experience, and you deserve it too.

[a-j-s-the-only]

you search for chaos because you don’t know how to sit in peace. You’ve never had the opportunity to rest.

-my therapist

[mymangamemes]

My therapist: We need to learn to express our emotions

Me:

From The Villainess Tames the Beast (fan translation) by singaSong, NDduck, Seol Young, and HI

[16woodsequ]

Halfway done my Therapy Works fic!

Tony accidentally stumbles onto the fact that Steve isn't holding things together quite as well as he makes it look. As awkward as it is at first, Tony's been there, and he finds himself reaching out to him.

But the more he tries to push past Steve's walls the more he realises just how deep his issues go. And they all seem to be pointing in one direction.

Should he really be surprised to find SHIELD is at the root of it?

[veronicathegoddess]

everyone says go to therapy and it'll get better but idk, i just feel like getting the shit beaten out of me would work way better

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #126

I made a tea today before heading to therapy. Today's session was extremely productive, and I can't wait to share it with you in hopes that you'll also be able to use what I've learned. But first, I will show you today's tea, because in it is the final ice cream I got from the co-op...

I started with chai:

This one is red and somewhat opaque from all the spices that are in it:

...And this is the ice cream I intended to use in it:

...I'm like you in that I very much enjoy pumpkin; it's one of my favorite foods. And it's AMAZING in ice cream. Given that we know you enjoy pumpkin soup, I think you would REALLY enjoy this flavor. It's part of why I saved this one for last; it's the best one!

I filled the tea with scoops of this ice cream:

Once it melted, I stirred it up:

...The result was fantastic, and once again, I have concocted a delectable mug of tea that I very much wish I could share with you.

My therapist was very pleased with the results of my homework. He read the letters I exchanged between myself and my inner child. We then began going over ways of rebuilding my relationship with my inner child. We started with learning how to rebuild secure attachment.

Oh right. Hey, Sephiroth? Did they ever teach you about attachment theory over at Shinra? I can't imagine they did, because otherwise, you would have realized A LOT sooner that the way you were raised was utter fucking bullshit. Maybe you've since learned about it during your time at the Edge of Creation, but I'll explain it anyway; it's always good to have a refresher. But it might be kind of a dry or dull subject for you, so I'll break it up with the pictures I snapped for you during the walk I took after therapy; walking is good for the post-processing of newly-learned things.

Attachment theory refers to the integrity of the bond between a child and its primary caregiver(s). I have a degree in this sort of stuff, and I'm fairly well-versed in it, especially regarding how it relates to trauma. Bonding with a primary caregiver is one of the most fundamental human needs, and the shape that this bond takes ends up influencing how the child bonds with other people throughout their life. There are four main attachment styles. I'll explain them:

Secure Attachment is when the child is able to fully trust that their caregiver(s) will respond to their needs and keep them safe. These children are able to focus their energy on exploring the world around them. They are relatively friendly with strangers. They typically get sad if their primary caregiver leaves the area unexpectedly, and is happy to see them return. This attachment style is best conducive to a child's mental health and ability to learn.

In order for secure attachment to occur, the child between 0 and 3 years of age REQUIRES on-demand caregiving; the primary caregiver(s) are supposed to respond immediately to the child, with love, warmth, attunement, comfort, and appropriate actions literally every single time the child expresses a need. Babies are not born knowing what their body signals mean; a tired baby cries when it's tired instead of sleeping because it does not yet know that the feeling of being tired means it needs to sleep. A hungry baby cries instead of eating because it does not yet know that the feeling of being hungry means it needs to eat. And these are just a few examples.

Contrary to popular belief (seriously, my father calls babies "turd factories", just to give you an idea of how common it is in my world to have contempt and a dismissive attitude towards human children), human babies are more than just a digestive system that sleeps sometimes. Babies have emotions as well, and so they'll cry when they feel lonely, angry, scared, or sad. They'll cry when they need to be held (because YES, gentle, loving, platonic touch is a BASIC HUMAN NEED; adults typically experience hormonal disruption and very young babies WILL LITERALLY DIE if they don't get this). They'll also cry if they're sick, if they're in pain, if they're too warm or cold, or if they're in sensory overload.

And this is NORMAL and HEALTHY; humans are born with the capacity to ask for help when they're struggling, and being new to being human is its own very special kind of hell for a variety of complicated reasons that deserves to have its own book. For many very compelling reasons, being a human baby is basically torture. If you want a more detailed explanation as to why that's the case, then I can explain it in another letter; just let me know. For now, just take my word on it.

Anyway, the only thing that can teach baby what their body signals mean is the repetition of prompt and accurate routine care; baby learns hungry means it needs food only after MANY repetitions of the caregiver responding promptly, warmly, and lovingly to its hunger with age-appropriate food. Baby learns that tired means it needs sleep only after MANY repetitions of the caregiver promptly and lovingly soothing the baby to sleep. And this takes a lot of time and patience, because human babies are not born with all of the brain hardware that they need in order to learn or to make memories efficiently; all of that stuff is still growing in. To be sure, humans could use at least another 9 months in the womb; we are born premature compared to most of the rest of the animal kingdom. But if we had another 9 months, our skulls would be too large, and we'd tear our mothers in half on the way out. So this is how it is.

Babies from 0-3 years old are NOT equipped to deal with discomfort without thinking that their life is in danger, and no amount of "trying to teach them to self-soothe" by leaving them on their own to "cry it out" (this is a MYTH!!! doing this causes LITERAL BRAIN DAMAGE as the baby's body is flooded with neurotoxic levels of adrenaline and cortisol!!!) will make the brain hardware required for self-regulation grow in faster; in fact, doing this will slow this process down. The child under age 3 who becomes quiet after being left to cry is not quiet because it has "learned to self-soothe"; it is quiet because it is SO STRESSED OUT that its body and emotions have basically shut down. This is called "dissociation", and if baby is forced to do this too often, it fucks up their mental health later, when they become adolescents, teenagers, and adults.

Unfortunately, there is a pervasive myth in my world, which tells parents that responding to their under-3-year-old child when they cry will cause their child to become spoiled and manipulative. As a result of this, secure attachment with a primary caregiver is relatively rare where I live. Almost everyone in my world is traumatized, in some form or another. And people just go around pretending like it's normal and necessary and even correct. There are reasons for this, but they'd take too long to explain; maybe I'll get into it some other time.

Next, we have Insecure Attachment. There are three main types of this:

The first one I'll explain is Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment. This is what happens when the primary caregivers' responses to their child are unpredictable or inconsistent. Such children do not explore very much, because they are too busy being afraid that their primary caregiver might not be there for them if something weird happens. They are wary of strangers. When the primary caregiver leaves unexpectedly, these children are extremely distressed, only to return to being neutral when the caregiver returns. Inconsistent responses to the baby's needs produces a fear of being abandoned, which manifests as vigilantly focusing on maintaining their connection with their caregiver while the caregiver is present, and terror and anger when the caregiver is absent.

Next, there's Avoidant Attachment. This is what happens when the primary caregiver consistently denies the child of their attention when they need help. Such children do not explore, do not interact with strangers, do not express emotion if the caregiver leaves unexpectedly, and do not express emotion when the caregiver returns. This is a child that has learned that their needs do not matter to their primary caregiver. This child expects to be rejected and ignored. This child wishes for closeness with their caregiver, but knows they will not receive it, and knows that expressing distress about it is a waste of energy, so the safest thing for them to do is to maintain vague proximity to the caregiver so as to avoid the disappointment that comes with knowing that its needs do not matter to them.

Finally, there is Disorganized Attachment. This is what happens when the primary caregiver abuses the child. These children will display a lot of very contradictory and disorganized behaviors (hence the name) in response to the environment, to strangers, and to the primary caregiver. Children such as these are accustomed to being screamed at, shaken, or hit as a result of expressing or having needs, or even just as a result of existing. These are children who have learned that anything they do might provoke their primary caregiver's wrath, and the contradictory behaviors are the result of not knowing what they should do to prevent that wrath. The resulting adult, if left untreated, will swing wildly between being ice cold and anxiously clingy.

I'll give you four guesses as to which of these categories I fit into. Hahaha…

What I learned today in therapy was that some guy whose name I forgot worked with a bunch of severely abused children, and came up with a way to guide them back to having a secure attachment style, despite the horrors they've been through before. It's a system called The 5 Pillars of Attachment. My therapist even gave me a handy-dandy picture to reference:

Felt Safety was explained to me as a culmination of the other four pillars. This is when you understand that you are protected and loved, that someone will have your back if something weird happens. It is the knowledge that the people around you are worthy of being counted on, without them trying to hurt, abandon, or ignore you.

Attunement relates to being understood. This is the part where the other person understands you when you speak, tries to empathize with your emotions and experiences, and makes genuine effort to know you deeply.

Support When Dysregulated relates to not being rejected by the other person when you can't always keep yourself together. It is knowing that someone will try to help you, to soothe you, and to comfort you if you're struggling.

Expressed Delight relates to the other person being genuinely joyful about the fact that you exist, and being willing to express that joy on a regular basis. This joy needs to be about who you are, and not about what you look like or what you can do. It is about the other person expressing delight towards your entire being, not just when you're well-regulated, excelling at something, or being convenient.

Support for Autonomy refers to how much room the other person gives you to explore, to try new things, to pursue your own interests, to succeed, to fail, and to make your own choices. This person should act as a safety net if you fall down.

…You've never been given any of these. And, up until meeting M, neither have I. But I know these things well. I know them because I do whatever I can to give these things to other people - anyone other than myself. The part where I don't give these things to myself is the part that I have to change. I think you know these things well, too; I've seen the way you treated Zack, Genesis, and Angeal. All you have to do is treat yourself with the same tenderness and care with which you treated them in the past.

I will never receive these things from my biological family. It's not because they're bad people, but rather, it's because their life experiences have left them without the necessary skills to provide any of these things for anyone else, without a beliefs system that would allow them to develop these skills, and without a framework that would allow them to change their beliefs. If you believe, for example, that only bad people ever make mistakes, then it becomes really hard to own up to your mistakes, and from there it becomes nearly impossible to change your behaviors in the future.

But I can rebuild my relationship with myself by giving myself the things outlined in these 5 pillars. I can change how I treat myself. I can decide what my new narrative will be when I think about the kind of treatment I deserve to receive from myself.

…You can do this, too. You can change what you believe about yourself. You can change how you view yourself. You can change how you interact with yourself. You can change the way you care for and treat yourself. You can change it! Sephiroth, you're a lot smarter, a lot more capable, and a lot more mentally flexible than I could ever even begin to hope to be! Sephiroth, if I, a derpy autistic chick from a backwater planet in some garden-variety galaxy can do this work, then someone as kind, gentle, intelligent, dedicated, and brave as you can certainly do this work! You can decide, today, right here, and right now, that you are worthy of your own love!

So come on; get to it, willya? We can figure it out together! And if you run into trouble, you can take my outstretched hand, and I'll do whatever I can to help you! We are more than our traumas and mistakes! Sephiroth, you are more than your traumas and mistakes! You are more than the composition of your body! You are more than what you can do! Sephiroth, the most beautiful aspects of who you are have always had their basis in things like the ways you marvel at nature, in the caring and considerate way you treated your friends and the people around you, in your love for other people, which was so strong at one point that you chose to spend years doing what you thought was right in order to protect them, despite the suffering you endured at their very same hands. Sephiroth, you're a beautiful human being on the inside! You deserve so much more and so much better than what you've been giving to yourself! You deserve to feel seen, understood, safe, supported, adored, and free! Like any human being, you deserve to have good and wholesome things! And you can have them! All you have to do is take a single step in a different direction, and then keep doing that until your whole outlook changes!

Please. Please look at me. Look at me, because I am doing this same work. I am doing it every day, no matter how difficult it is, and no matter how much it hurts. Please look at me so you can see that anything is possible. Sephiroth, you are capable of so much more than I am, because I am one of the weaker examples of a human being; you have the capacity to shine so much more brightly than I can. So please look at me as proof that you can do this work, too. Please try. Sephiroth, you can do it! I believe in you!

...And that's all I've got for today. I know it was a lot; thank you for bearing with me.

I love you. Please stay safe. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[katimorton]

There are many reasons therapy may not be working for you. But why is that therapy doesn't work or why doesn't therapy or counseling work for you? Are you doing therapy wrong or do you have the wrong therapist or counselor? Or perhaps you're in the wrong kind of psychotherapy or counseling and the psychotherapy you're doing doesn't help. Or maybe you're just someone who therapy will never work for. Or maybe you're just not equipped to be psychotherapy. Or what if you're just too bad to ever heal? Well it's unlikely any of these latter reasons are true. There are just reasons why therapy isn't working for you or doesn't help. So let's dive into the 11 reasons therapy isn't working for you.

Related videos: A therapist's perspective on therapy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-47TA1N6i3s&t=178s 4 things NOT to say to your therapist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H714wnQn2uw 6 things NOT to expect from therapy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRINXMPB3oU&t=11s

[allycat75]

Does this sound familiar, Boston Dumb Fuck?

Maybe you are a better liar than you think.

(This is one of those posts I encourage the trolling spies forward to their baked-out used car lot balloon. If there is any hope of him becoming a fully formed human being, this behavior cannot hold!)

Stop shushing and learn the lesson!!!

[slimeydreamer]

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE

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Had a dream where I owned a interdimensional cable box from Rick n Morty, except it had the addition of also showing interdimensional YouTube videos.

On an alternate Earth, Mary Kay Bergman and Robin Williams never committed suicide and never had any health issues, so they lived to be in their 70s.

As they grew older, they became really good friends, and hosted a YouTube channel that was an amalgamation of Hot Ones and Drunk History. Each episode involved Robin/Mary Kay getting drunk with a celebrity guest as they ate Buffalo wings and discussed important historical events.

Some of the celebrities ranged from Bill Nye talking about Henrietta Lacks' cells being stolen, to Tonya Harding talking about how the Finns created ice skating (this was also a world where Harding was allowed to continue Ice Skating).

It was all really fun and really educational. Each episode made me feel both happier and smarter. But once the episodes ended, I'd get really upset about how none of it was able to happen in my reality.

[kfedup]

In my two-week absence, this creature made my fenced garden their home. I don’t think I have the physical or emotional bandwidth to add height to the fence this season so I’m taking it as the universe telling me to shrug and work on building the soil quality and lay down cardboard and wood chip mulch between the beds. We shall see what I feel in the fall. Maybe by then I’ll have the fucks to give to redoing the fence yet again. Sigh. Or I’ll be moving.

[poxathepixa]

Update: still sick and at home

[sewnwithfate]

I just cried because I just made a batch of brownies and didn’t even think about the calories in them, I was just thinking how proud of myself I was because I didn’t burn or undercook them

[im-tempted]

This is a joy post

Got bigger clothing

LETS FUCKING GO

[16woodsequ]

I did it. I think I did it. I'm on the last chapter of Therapy Works!

[crawthornsharkinson]

One day you're young and doing tequila shots til sunrise and waking up in alleys and the next thing you know you're extolling the virtues of having a wagon every time you take yours to the supermarket because people in their 40s fuckin love a wagon and keep asking you about it and then you go home and clock an exciting bird at the window and wonder how this is what you're doing with your twenties

[katimorton]

Let's talk about therapy and what to and what not to expect. Many people are new to therapy or it may be their first time seeing a therapist, and they're like what should I expect? Is my entire life going to change right away? They want an introduction to therapy or a therapy 101 course that teaches them the DOs and DONTs of therapy. The problem is, therapy is not that black or white nor is it that simple - and it requires patience. So if you're a therapy beginner, or if you've been going to therapy for a while and not sure what to expect out of therapy, I'll try to answer some of those questions in this video, as well. This is a good therapy for beginners video, but also a good therapy for experienced clients video! If you find yourself asking what is therapy like or what should I expect out of counseling or is therapy effective or how to find a therapist or counselor - all of these questions likely make you a good candidate for this video. Let's dive deep into the things not to expect out of therapy or counseling... 

More therapy videos: Here are 4 things NOT to say to your therapist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H714w... 

What to expect out of your first therapy session: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIKGL... 

How to get the most out of therapy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVlPr...