#Self loathing

[rosarysgarden]

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s ‘i am an observer, but not by choice.’

[text id: i have the everlasting tendency to ruin everything i love.]

[insaneinpink]

Genuinely don’t want to wake up in the morning, but I will. Then I’ll have to do this shit all over again. I’m so tired of “it’ll get better.” I want it to be better now! What’s the fucking point of waking up every day only to be absolutely fucking miserable. I haven’t enjoyed life since I was five years old, I’m so fucking exhausted. I just wanna be happy for once, but there’s nothing to be happy about. I just wanna go to bed tonight and never wake up again. I’m just a speck, it’s not like I’m making an impact. If I were to disappear, no one would notice. What’s the point anymore. There’s nothing to look forward to anymore. I’m so tired. I just wanna be done.

[ivynightshade]

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s ‘i am tired of making a religion out of my suffering’.

[text id: i am too little, and too much, and never enough.]

[existennialmemes]

Functional Ways to Deal with Self Loathing:

Clone your brain, animate it so that it can function on its own, outside of your body, then challenge it to a boxing match. It's only like 3lbs, you've got this. After seeing you demolish the clone, the brain inside your head will surely remember its place.

Resurrect Mr. Rogers and (with his consent, which he will freely give, because it's for a good cause) shrink him down and Magic School Bus him into your Brain, so he can give it a gentle, heartfelt talking to.

Find a genie. Wish away your insecurities, and then let the ironic consequences teach you a valuable lesson about underestimating yourself. Probably. Unless it turns you inside out or something. Watch out for that.

Live in a country where mental healthcare is actually accessible (unrealistic for the USA)

[aamerchive]

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s my body is a slaughterhouse.

[image credit: pinterest]

[tinytangerine1003]

I want someone to hold me but I don't deserve it

[fucklife101]

I’m losing interest in everything again.

[cecilialisbon13]

Falling in love is so terrifying. To be completely vulnerable with a person. To open up and present my heart to them. To share all of my secrets, to show them the worst side of me.

The fear that they might leave me, when they get to know the real me is extremely frightening. Maybe, I have convinced myself that I am unlovable, so when anyone ever likes me, I think it's a joke...

"Say you're lucky, Say you're lucky to love me like you used to, even if it isn't true.

I want you to lie, lie right to my face ..."

- lie by shasha sloan

[biblicallyaccuratemoth]

Happy (late) Moth Monday everyone!

What's that? Why yes, I do love The Owl House. Why do you ask?

This is my reminder to you that no self-love can begin without challenging and (often) reframing self-loathing.

[uraniumbones]

For those of you keeping up with the book of Bill and it's accompanying website and the bill cypher backstory. THE PARALLELS GOT ME FUCKED UP.

Spoilers incoming.

people love to talk about the dynamic between Stanford and Bill. Sure, interesting. But you know what people aren't talking about? Stanley and Bill. Specifically referencing the website (thisisnotawebsotedotcom.com)

If you input Stanley a bunch it will eventually open a new document instead of eBay pages. The page mocks Stanley and reveals his secrets or whatever. One of the clickable options on this page is "HOW HE BEAT ME". Each time you click into this is an increasingly deranged meltdown about how it shouldn't have been possible. Calling him a "cheap trick loving, past-denying overgrown child protected from failure only by a force field of denial and shamelessness" among other things. And when further pressed accuses you of acting like "those PREACHY INFANTILIZING AUTOMOTONS AT THE THERAPRISM who are SO OBSESSED with getting me to TALK about my "FEELINGS"." After that he spirals further eventually talking about "how much pain I'm in" and only in code admitting "I can still see through the eyes of everyone I've ever..." presumably killed.

If you don't know shit about Euclydia read the wiki page on it, it's not long. tldr Euclydia is bills home dimension, which he destroyed and killed every single inhabitant of in blood and fire. He did so (accidentally?) in an attempt to show them the third dimension which (because of a genetic mutation) only he had the ability to see (with his eye). Please also note when Stanford asks about his home dimension Bill says it was"destroyed by a monster".

In the website's many documents it repeatedly makes reference to Bill's parents and how much they loved him, his home, his childhood (he wore velcro sneakers it's actually incredibly cute), the ways in which he was different and not easily accepted.

Now knowing all these things. A pattern may emerge to you. Are you seeing it? Are you seeing the patterns yet?

Obviously Bill hates Stanley because he's stupid and still he somehow beat Bill. That's annoying, maddening even. But I believe it goes beyond that. He hates him all the more passionately because Stanley reminds him of himself. The poem at the end of the Stanley password on the website summarizes it best "always dragged his family down / One mistake, disowned, denied, / only thing to do was hide." Destruction of his own family, running and hiding from his own mistakes. "Reinvent, retry, reload" trying again in a new life. "When your actions make it worse, / When they see you as a curse," Making things worse where you have tried to make them better. "Give the wheel one last spin, / Take your chips and go all in" this is what weirdmagedon was for both of them. and this is where their lives differ "And lucky stan- the rolls on black, / he got his life and family back. / His big break it finally came, / Redemption from a life of shame." AND THERE IT IS. Stanley got his family back. Bill didn't. (Which is what it seems he was attempting). Stanley got his redemption. Bill didn't.

Stanley was a lonely kid fuck up just like Bill was. And he absolutely hates Stanley's guts for it because he hates his own guts for it. And all this time they're the same, just trying to fix those mistakes, to have their family back again, to be loved again. They both have this facade of untouchable aloof levity, the same insults Bill hurls at Stanley may as well be hurled at himself. "Protected from his failure only by a force field of denial and shamelessness"? "Cheap trick loving, past denying overgrown child"? You can see Bill goes from being outraged and insulting Stanley, to denying a deeper meaning to those feelings (and calling you a therapist), to talking about how much pain he is in (seemingly over all the people he killed in Euclydia), all without any specific prompting. Just pushing. Bill is the one that connected those things. Bill hates Stanley (at least partially) as an act of self hatred. Because he has made the same mistakes and can never forgive himself for them. AND (at least partially) because Stanley is not only just like him, but now just like him if he had succeeded. Stanley got his "Redemption from a life of shame". and in so doing actively prevented Bills.

Now do you see what I'm saying about THE PARALLELS?!

[feral-ballad]

I was furious at my hands. At myself. At my history. At my inability to do anything with those hands.

Victoria Chang, from Dear Memory: Letters on Writing, Silence, and Grief; “Dear Daughter,”

[insaneinpink]

⋆｡‧˚ʚ🎀ɞ˚‧｡⋆

[ivynightshade]

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s ‘we were put on this earth desperate, hungry and willing.’

[text id: in a sharp set of knives, i looked for a hand to hold. / i could not stop myself from needing to belong somewhere, even if that somewhere was a burial ground.]

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

i just think it's neat that he would b more than happy to be my friend even tho im a bit fucked up (and i am willing to b his friend even tho he's a bit fucked up, also) (we can b a bit fucked up together) (heart emoji)

[beefcliff]

a little drawing about retrospect and self loathing

[krillenjoyer]

"You make me sick. The you who has everything. I hate all of you."

"You've been staring for hours."