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system-of-a-feather · 9 months ago

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Are you still accepting asks about late stage DID recovery? I (host of a DID system in more early to mid stage recovery) have some questions about it, if you're comfortable answering (some of them might be too personal and I understand that).

What is communication like when you're Fei? Like, can you still feel and talk to yourselves as distinct? For example say one of you gets anxious about something, can you pinpoint "this is who is feeling anxious" and talk to them to reassure them, or does it feel like ALL of you are anxious and it's just everybody's feeling all at once, and talking to them feels like self-talk?

Do any of you (especially those who have tended to be more different from the rest of the system) feel like you've lost any of yourself and the things that make you you, when you're fused?

Especially regarding #1, do you know how your experience compares to people who say they've reached final fusion? Like other than it being temporary, is there anything that makes it distinct? And same question for functional multiplicity I guess.

Do you/any of you ever get scared/worried about the possibility of someday not being able to separate or even not being able to identify yourselves as separate consciousnesses? And if no, is that because you don't see that as possible for you, because even if it did happen it wouldn't scare you, or both?

There are a couple of vloggers with DID whose content we've been watching since pretty early into our diagnosis because it was comforting to us to see systems who could put words to things we had experienced and show us that things might not always be as hard as they were in those early days of system awareness. But one of them has just unexpectedly had her whole entire system fuse together in the span of like 2 months, despite that she wasn't aiming for final fusion (she didn't have a specific goal picked out as far as that)... and the other is coming back from hiatus and shared that they had a fusion that none of the system, including BOTH the alters who fused together, had wanted. And hearing those things freaked us out.

We're just now at a point of feeling like most of us know who we are, most of us can trust that the rest of the system has each other's backs, that kind of thing. For many of us, we can love ourselves as a whole (the way we exist right now though, a fragmented whole) and as individual consciousnesses, and we love each other like family.

But every single aspect of who we are as "people," how we function in the world together as a "whole person," how we communicate and relate to one another... every single thing about it would change if we fused, you know? I know people say that you don't lose anything or anyone when a fusion happens, but the fact is, no one involved in the fusion exists in the same way they used to anymore after it happens. (Or so my understanding of it is.) And that's a very scary and painful thing to think about for us right now.

I feel like 90% of the time, our communication and teamwork goes so smoothly. I wouldn't say we're close to functional multiplicity, because there are still a number of us who have little to no communication with each other (and I know I'm still not even aware of everyone in the system), but we're finally at a point of feeling stronger together, caring about each other, most of us trusting each other to have our backs, and that kind of thing. And hearing other systems talk about unexpected -- and especially unwanted -- fusions, well... yeah. That scares me.

If we ever reach a point where fusion feels natural and like something we want, we're trying to stay open to the idea of that and we think we'd accept it at that point. But we absolutely would want it to be something that we got to choose, and that happened because we wanted it to happen. You know? The idea that if we process through our trauma and keep working together well, that one day we might just... fuse without wanting to or deciding to... it freaks me out.

Thank you for bearing with this long message lol.

Ayeee Im gonna reply as I read this (I skimmed the first half and decided Id just write as I read); so keep that in context when reading my reply.

What is communication like when you're Fei?

So we actually went on a small tangent below the cut in this post about it cause we were thinking about it as Fei and found it interesting when we paid more attention to how we communicate. But generally when we are Fei we just kinda don't *need* to explicitly communicate or rather, in other terms, focus on paying attention to the communication we are having internally. A lot of it happens smoothly and fast to where a lot of the time it just kinda floats in our head quietly and passes through while we are acting and thus we don't always fully actively attend to the back and forth. As a result, if we aren't meaning to pay attention to it, it often gets kind of "brushed over" in how we internally interpret the communication to be kind of summarized in a more singular identity than specifically paying attention to which part is saying what.

The underlying conversation between parts is still there and if I reflect back and focus more into what was going on in my head, I can absolutely identify the individual parts and the interactions and even BE the individual parts, but usually - when I'm not intentionally looking closely at my thoughts - it's just "Oh I don't want to do that, but you know, I DO want to do that and I could do it better if I was in more of a [part] headspace so I'll let that part win over and so now I do want to do that" when underneath it there was a lot of banter between the "dominant" part at the time (in the post above, Riku) and the other part that would be better to have (in the post above, Chunn). It's only when I actively double took my own thoughts did I go "hey wait a minute that was a funny banter"

Like, can you still feel and talk to yourselves as distinct?

Yeah sometimes. A lot of the time unless something particularly comes up or sparks the interest of a specific part, usually we just kind of exist as a whole, but the second anything interesting comes up, parts tend to rear their head and blabber like they want. It doesn't usually feel as intensely like a whole separate part necessarily, but the distinction is pretty clear even then and its kinda funny as Fei sometimes cause I'm like "Lol [part brain] and [other part brain] are bantering". It's kinda like having mixed feelings I think but with a lot more respect to the complexities, identities, and histories that back the sources of those mixed feelings. I can hear and watch and feel and talk with the parts of myself that generate the mixed feelings and even see and visualize them without them Not Being Me. I am Chunn, I am Riku, I am XIV, I am Ray, I am all of them all at once but also at the same time, I could very easily just choose to be just one of them if I wanted because in the end, they're all me.

For example say one of you gets anxious about something, can you pinpoint "this is who is feeling anxious" and talk to them to reassure them, or does it feel like ALL of you are anxious and it's just everybody's feeling all at once, and talking to them feels like self-talk?

Yes to both. It's kind of hard to explain how it is Both, but firstly, absolutely we almost always can tell which part is feeling anxious as a whole and usually other parts do step in to help lessen their anxiety and help them soothe and talk through it 100%. If I didn't have that I would loose my mind and that is unironically coming from all of our parts. At this point basically everyone in our system is so deeply supportive and looking out for one another and it's really the only way a lot of us have been able to find any peace with how each individual part tends to be such a huge extreme and prone to bouts of really bad self care or maladaptive behavior when left on their own. So we really rely on each other to call each other out, support each other, step in when a part is struggling and cover for one another. Even as a unified whole, its very essential to be looking out for one another and being diligent over eachother's needs - it just kind of comes from a much "higher up" kind of eagle-view lens than a 'on the ground lens' for a lack of better words.

We keep an eye out for each other through a sort of collective lens rather than independently from disconnected views. And so we do notice when one part is agitated or on their shit and usually we can shift around parts to support and help regulate that part as they need. And we do still talk out loud, and it is both to ourselves and to the part at the same time and it feels both like self-soothing and like soothing another person and like being soothed by another person. The best thing is that you get both the joy and dopamine of being a supportive person for someone you care about AND the warmth and dopamine of being supported by someone you care about at the same time.

I never feel alone with myself.

Do any of you (especially those who have tended to be more different from the rest of the system) feel like you've lost any of yourself and the things that make you you, when you're fused?

Naaaah. We have the side system that is usually sleeping both when we are a whole and when we aren't that does sometimes - when fronting - feel out of place a bit because our life is not as centered around those parts being largely engaged parts of ourselves but even they wouldn't say they are "lost" at all

I mean to some degree, it might be somewhat because we are buddhist and don't really believe in the "concept of self / I / me" and don't really define ourselves in any way other than "whatever I am right now", but we just get to do and be everything all at once. Everyone is still here and everyone here can really just become the prominent part or even a completely dominant part and they will be 100% in their natural glory. Riku's disgusting optimism and stubbornness is still here. XIV's loud and obtuse opinionated ass is here. Chunn's "what do you mean you don't do weed you act stoned 24/7" headass is here. Lucille's lack of ability to respond to a tease in a way that doesn't make it funnier is still here. It's just kinda like we can just toggle whats expressed the most at any time.

From what I've heard its actually pretty similar? It's pretty hard to tell what with how complex internal experiences are and how you can only really communicate them through the limited confines of human speech and language, but from what I've read it seems to be pretty common with a lot of people who have reached final fusion.

I do think our perspective on self and life has a large impact on how we like to perceive and operate ourself because - between being AAPI and a buddhist - we have a very very very low value and concern for the concept of identity and individuality and largely do embrace a very fluid, open and ever changing idea of self. As part of our own life perspective and self care and practice, we do actively put effort to removing the concept of "I" and individualism from our lives because we find it just tends to cause more stress than its worth (and also play into the hands of capitalism and just a lot of things we hate about Western American society but I am gonna SMOTHER the XIV brain that wants to go off on that because its NOT the point of this post) so in THAT sense

I do think there is an element of "uniqueness" to the way we operate due to our very core value for fluidity, removal of the concept of "I", and active intent to practice appreciating and enjoying the world as parts of a whole not only in terms of DID but as a part of the world. The way we interact with our DID is about the same way we like to interact with the world and try to interact with the people in our lives, so those sorts of things are non-negligible aspects of how final fusion and functional multiplicity work for us compared to others that might not have as much of an approach to life.

At the core I think it's basically the same, we just enjoy a different perspective in life that tends to also reflect a lot in how we experience ourselves and our symptoms.

Before? Absolutely. Especially when we were first figuring it out and trying to learn how to hold Fei longer AND willingly re-seperate if we wanted to. It was actually absolutely terrifying at first because we had spent our whole life being specific parts and a lot of us were kind of terrified on what it would be like if anything got botched or screwed up or if only some parts fused and others didn't and it ruined the stability and synergies we had built up and god, the anxiety and catastrophization of it all is endless.

It used to be TERRIFYING and there were times we struggled to re-seperate when we wanted to (ironically in periods of high stress a lot of the time) and it did cause us some distress, but over time we kind of learned to just... relax and stop worrying as much about it and just trust in ourselves - more specifically ourselves as Fei. Cause I think in some way or form, us being anxious about not being able to re-divide kind of made us panic throw up partial walls between each other which did seperate us SOME but more than anything just made it harder to fluidly flow between parts which then resulted in us just getting stuck with one-part-dominant Fei. Which is what sometimes caused what we would call "fused-stuck" which feels a lot like being front stuck, but as a fused whole when you can't really properly utelize the other parts you are fused with. It was HORRIBLE, I hated it, but kinda like being frontstuck it passes with time and we just kinda had to go "this too will pass and we will eventually be able to regain our fluidity" and lo and behold, eventually we did gain that fluidity back as well as the ability to just be one specific part should we really want to.

That said, these days? No not really. To some level, yeah it is because I don't think it would really scare us much these days. I don't really necessarily like the idea of being forever fused, but I wouldn't really say it 'scares' us to think about it. Eh maybe a bit from certain parts, cause like right now like maybe 80% of my brain is "ehhh itd suck but itd be fine" and like 20% goes "uhhhh actually" and like at least the Riku part in our brain is going "UHH" so... XD

But even then, that's just when we think about it too long cause certain parts are prone to catastrophizing and thinking about all the horrible ways that could go whereas us - as a whole - are a little better at acknowledging the unforseeable benefits that could also come from it.

For the most part though, the reason it's a "no" is just cause we really just... don't think about it. It's not really something on the forefront of our mind or even like, the middlefront of it. We have a lot of things going on in our life and a lot of things we enjoy and things we enjoy a lot less but are important and it just... doesn't occur to us 98% of the days anymore.

I know people say that you don't lose anything or anyone when a fusion happens, but the fact is, no one involved in the fusion exists in the same way they used to anymore after it happens. (Or so my understanding of it is.) And that's a very scary and painful thing to think about for us right now.

Eh, yes and no - at least in my experience. It's less about parts being the same way or not the same way as they were before in any real way of "morphing" or changing or anything like that and a lot more of just... existing in a wider lens. Kinda think of it like a really detailed painting of sorts. When you are individual parts dissociated from eachother, you can look really really closely at a specific aspect of the art. You can look at how the artist used brush strokes on the specific flower and the hues and you can really appreciate that very close and specific view. Sometimes you can look at another part really closely and remember what the other corner looked like and there is a lot of deep and intricate analysis and appreciation that can come from those close views. The issue is, with those really close up views, its hard to appreciate both simultaneously and even more harder to appreciate MULTIPLE pieces simultaneously let alone appreciate the art as a whole.

And so for me, fusion is just kind of like stepping away and putting the microscope away and just taking in the complex art and painting as a whole. You can survey and focus - from a distance - at any specific part and you can quickly change between each aspect, compare and contrast them, analyze how the parts of the painting play into an overall narrative and how the styles and ways the art is drawn may reflect upon one another. Every individual part is still there and the comparisons and analysis can still be made from a distance. You just get to see more

And in my experience, sometimes I REALLY just wanna study that flower and how that flower was painted alone, because sometimes that very specific very close up very detailed understanding of a specific part of the art is better than just gazing at the whole thing. And that's the great thing. I can always just pull my microscope back out and hone back in.

Stepping away from the painting and getting a wider view doesn't mean that the flower that was otherwise zoomed in on is suddenly inaccessible.

And I guess the analogy doesn't work perfectly because in practice, sometimes interactions between parts may change other parts but 1) is that not just part of life and living in a social world? People come and go and everyone leaves a little part of themselves with everyone they interact with. Change is inevitable and a beautiful and important part of life and 2) even within the analogy, when you understand more of the full picture, sometimes your understanding of the flower alone will change, and that's okay because the flower is still them. Your understanding just became more complex

That said, I absolutely do still understand the fear and pain from the idea of it. Change is frightening, especially with a history of trauma and especially when you have found peace and safety within the parts in your system. I don't want to invalidate that at all cause yeah, absolutely been there and its horribly terrifying. I've just been doing this for a minute and over time I've just kind of learned to trust that no matter what form and opinions any of the parts have and no matter how they change, all these guys are never not going to be the people I need in my life and they are always going to be there for me, when I need them in the way I need them.

They're always going to be them and I'm gonna ride or die with these assholes so, fuck it man. If they turn into a 20ft tall tarantula tomorrow or a worm, I'd still love them and trust that even as a worm they'd still ride or die to support me.

Yeah thats a completely fair and valid place to be and honestly where we were for years of our healing journey. I think the most anyone can do with something that feels terrifying and is a bit unnatural / untrue to how they currently feel in life is to ask themselves to TRY to be open to an idea. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that currently it scares you and that currently its not something you are ACTUALLY open to the thought of cause thats fine and fair. Being scared, being not ready, and being unable to genuinely consider it are all completely normal feelings and feelings can't really be forced to change or appear in a specific way. Recovery is a huge and long journey and as much as everyone would love for things to just "be right" and have the "healthy mindset", that stuff takes time to authentically and genuinely develop. As long as there is a slightly creaked open door to be willing to let new experiences naturally flow in, I'm sure you'll get to a place that is healthy, happy and comfortable for you.

Whether or not that is final fusion, functional multiplicity, wishiwashi, or something completely out there beyond my fathoming is far beyond anything I could say cause recovery can take you wild places with it's ways of getting you to a place that makes you happy, but whatever form it takes, you'll get there. It might suck and struggle and be scary at times, but you'll get there - just don't judge yourself for not being able to fit into a specific direction or specific way of thinking or fitting into some standards.

Follow your authentic self and expression and I'm sure you'll find what works for you and what is right for you, even among the chaos. ^^

Anywayyyys, that's another long post to reply to your long ask XD It was a nice chat and ramble so thanks for the ask. I kinda like talking about this stuff so its much appreciated

PS: I will almost* never complain about a long ask, anyone that following this blog knows I post replies that are like 10 pages long for a question like "do you like cheese" because I go on so many tangents and have a lot of thoughts on everything and just like Thinking About Things.

(* = I do not wish to underestimate the power of weird tumblr users /neutral)

#alter: fei #final fusion #functional multiplicity #wishiwashi recovery #ask #asks #did #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #long post #i rarely tag that #but between the ask and my response #it is a LONG post

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alexsgrimoire · 10 months ago

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Plurality & Paganism: An Introspective

If any of you keep up with my main (@sinfulauthor), you may have noticed this post, along with my new pinned post. In short, I've come to the realization (after burying the thought of it for many years) that we are a Collective.

Now, how does this impact this blog and my craft?

To start off, this blog's content will remain the same. It will still primarily act as an e-grimoire with some additional posts, but the people posting what content will change. Specifically, these people:

-Alex (they/them), the host (hi!). I'll generally do most of the talking/posting. Works with The Signless/Sufferer and Dionysus. ANP that the IRL coven knows. (I'm not open with them about being a Collective just yet.)

-Vaati (he/him), who works with Demise and focuses on divination. Writes solely in cursive and gets VERY frustrated when grimoire notes are in standard print.

-Ghira (he/him), who works with Demise closer than Vaati for Obvious Reasons™️. (Though he generally doesn't do any actual spellwork, just offerings, worship, and altar setup.)

-Karkat (he/they) on occasion, solely because Signless HAS shown himself to him and is very much a Dad™️.

-Toko (she/her) has not yet "awakened." She was a former kin heavily associated with our craft. Taking bets on her being a spellcrafter/writer.

So, now that the roll call is done, onto some other stuff regarding plurality and paganism, the introspection the title mentions. (This will be below the cut as it's not as integral to the "functioning" of this blog.)

So, coming to the realization as a system was... interesting. We first became aware of dissociative disorders through Danganronpa (Yes, Toko's horrible representation. We know.) and related to Toko heavily. At the time, we were heavily involved in the Fictionkin community and had "memories" of those "timelines." However, this relatability on the DID aspect was soon hidden under the guise of "I like to write, and so does she! Also super traumatized like me lmao," and then we didn't think about it for five more years.

Come 2023, we've relapsed for the first time in four years and are going through some pretty traumatic stuff again. At an Esbat in September, an argument breaks out that causes us to dissociate and brings up those really painful feelings from childhood. Nothing felt real, and the rest of the night was foggy. (The people in the argument have since apologized. It was also an extremely stressful night due to our old High Priest being ousted for sexual misconduct not even 4 hours before we started.)

At this point, this whole debacle causes us to realize, "Hey, this isn't really a normal trauma response. There might be something else going on." We have a lot of friends who are systems, and we went to them asking, "Hey, do you like. think we're a system?" and FIVE OF THEM SNIFFED US OUT YEARS AGO AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL US??? Like maybe that would have been useful information, idk (We still love our friends to bits, though)

So, fast forward to 2024. Still in the process of diagnosis but receiving trauma-focused therapy to process things. It's been a long process of figuring out how to live/function as someone with a dissociative disorder, but we're learning.

Thankfully, having a good support network has been a great help. We have an almanac (specifically The Practical Witch's 2024 Almanac by Friday Gladheart) to track our craft/spiritual work, and it's interesting to see the input of everyone in the collective. It's a lot of taking things day by day and seeing how things go, but we feel the energy around us changing.

Anyway, ramble over. If y'all read this to the end, thanks for sticking around. I've got some other posts we plan on making, so keep an eye out for those, too.

Signing off,

Alex of the Magic Collective

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ave-immaculata · 9 months ago

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Hi. I am messaging as many Catholic blogs as I possibly can for spiritual help--I don't know if this is offensive. I don't mean it to be--I honestly, I try my very best to be a good practicing Catholic--but life gets very confusing. Anyway, I've been absolutely failing at every aspect of this Lenten promise, and I am terrified God is going to hurt me or hate me or punish me or just let something like that happen--that is not to say God is vindictive--He isn't; I'm just being very evil by making a promise to God and then not sticking to it. I've been getting mostly positive signs, but I am afraid that I am interpreting them that way out the selfish desire to be good and loved by God and not because He is actually pleased with me. I know this is complex problem. I know if you find the side blog this is from that it is going to be filled with non-canonical thoughts and desires and takes on God. I don't do it to be disrespectful--I love the Church with all my heart. I never wanna leave Her. So, if you do find it, please don't be mad or think made this out insincerity. I'm just scared and life and maybe the afterlife is throwing things at me at a much more advanced speed and understanding than I am prepared for. I would talk to my local priest, but I have caused trouble in the Diocese before, and I really don't wanna drag those people back in or my current priest or my family and I don't wanna be humiliated again. So, all I am asking for is prayer. Just pray for me.

{{{{Lenten Plans from the Universe/The Messiah/The Golden Timeline (02/13/24)

Okay so basically, here is the plan--handed down through divine intuition or signs or whatever gave me the information--I trust the information source--so here's my spiritual cleanse for the 40 days:

3 days of (as close as possible) no sleep--72 straight hours--then 2 days of regular sleep schedule for the next 40 days

40 days of no more than 1200 calories every day

40 days no spend (outside of food and bills)

40 days (at least) of no medication (exception--Excedrin Migraine but only in extreme situations...)

Increased prayer/communing/sign reading

***I want to be clear that this is something that I am doing for my own spiritual cleanse and enlightenment and enrichment and etc; I'm not advertising this as a responsible or safe or anything--this isn't a recommendation--you're welcome to join me in an attempt but consult with your own support system including mental health team.***}}}

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm sorry for being confusing or weird. I hope you are having a blessed Lent and I hope that you are given many blessings for praying. God Bless and thank you.

I will absolutely pray for you. I also want to add, despite what I'm about to say, that I get the worry you're describing about God punishing you or letting something bad happen as a consequence. I experience that kind of thinking, and even though intellectually we know that's not how God operates, it doesn't necessarily make it any less stressful. Any practices or penances that are amplifying those concerns are not drawing you to God and are not good.

Your series of Lenten devotions, in my opinion, were always going to be failed. These are collectively (individually, even), stricter and more difficult than most religious people (monks, nuns, etc., not just people who practice religion) would take on. I would sincerely recommend considering lessening your observance for the rest of Lent and discerning these sources pushing you towards them with renewed skepticism (especially using Ignatian discernment, which I can describe more if you like). Especially concerning (outside the penances), is "sign-reading." I don't doubt your sincerity or love for God, but I don't know that, given your worries and anxiety, this is going to be fruitful or draw you into a deeper communion with God.

God will not try to trick you with confusing signs or threaten you for not being able to keep up with this. God isn't going to ask you to stop taking prescribed medications as a penance. Let your your love for Him and His Church be the foundation of the remainder of Lent; your desire to please Him is delightful to Him. Read the Scriptures and dwell with Him.

I obviously don't know the situation with your diocese, but please consider speaking to one of the Priests about this.

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not-in-the-library · 1 year ago

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Hello, i have some questions about Jimena and Dhriti. first off, how did these two meet? How are giants treated in this world? are they equals with humans? one is more dominant than the other? I know you said that Jimena and Dhriti live in a community, is this a community of giants or humans (or both!) I have so many more questions, but I'll let you answer those ones first.

Jimena and Dhriti met when Dhriti was out doing some field work on behalf of their university. The lodging provided was a repurposed ranger station on the edge of Jimena’s hometown. Jimena covered for their normal delivery man and ended up on the doorstep of her future husband!

Giants and humans are equals in every way. Of course there are prejudiced people out there, but there aren’t any intense baked in caste systems that bar anyone from living the lives they want to. (Though wealth inequality is a huge obstacle for many, neither species is universally more wealthy)

Giant and human culture were developed alongside each other, and they both have as much diversity as real world human cultures do. They’ve been engaged in a happy cultural exchange for thousands of years, and the influences are felt in every aspect of their culture. Music, food, art, clothes, philosophy, architecture, power structures. They all influence each other in an ongoing back and forth.

As far as population goes, there are significantly more humans, as giants tend to have fewer children and understand that a massive population isn’t sustainable.

Jimena’s hometown has had giant residents in the past, but not in her lifetime. That was a long time ago, before they simply moved on to greener pastures that better suited their lifestyles. They did come back to visit, and remained a part of the community, but once they all passed away, no one moved in to take their place. There are large government organizations/guilds that cover the whole map, much like real world rangers, and they always have a mixed species team wherever they’re stationed. This organization is very underfunded, and is nearly nonexistent.

The town that Jimena grew up in is very small and tight knit, so Dhriti has a hard time getting involved. They don’t face much discrimination, and is actually very well liked by everyone who they’ve met with thus far, but are very hesitant to step foot in town. They have mobility issues, and a human town isn’t exactly (giant) ADA compliant. Their cane and moments of rest are enough, but they didn’t work up the courage to find out until after they and Jimena started spending more time together.

Dhriti is met with public politeness and private suspicion. It’s a bit concerning for this young woman to be running around and spending long hours with a giant you’ve only spoken to twice.

There are some unsavory stereotypes associated with giants, particularly human abduction. I don’t want to think too much on trafficking, but it did/does exist in this world, though that’s not where this stereotype comes from.

In the early days of giant and human nations, there were many arranged interspecies marriages, not exclusive to noble families. The couples weren’t expected to bear children (ouch) and often allowed planned infidelity for the sake of heirs. This made an odd line of succession, but was ultimately successful in uniting families and communities across species.

This is long outdated, and is considered a bit barbaric. The narrative in many circles blames gluttonous giants who only wanted to take not only lovely human partners as their own, but also human property. These unions were sometimes secured by placing undue pressure on one side of the family, but it was usually based in economics, with human consent being paramount (though it was the parents who consented, not the actual spouse-to-be).

This stereotype is one of many that giants still have held over them to this day, and Dhriti is acutely aware of that. They don’t make any advances without Jimena explicitly saying she would like to move forward, both because they know that they’re in a position of power over her, and also because they know how disastrous unwanted romance could be for the both of them

#gt community #g/t writing #g/t scenario #g/t #sfw g/t #g/t ocs #g/t characters #character asks

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kydrogendragon · 3 months ago

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Life and Death, is that In the Palms of Life and Death? I'd love to know what's happening there.

Yes! That's for that fic! Which people can find here.

Yeah, this one's been chilling on the backburner while I've been plotting out world building things and figuring out magic systems and all that jazz. (And, you know, the actual plot parts of the story). Most of what I've got currently are a scattering of notes about the world, or the characters, so I don't think I've any official excerpts.

Some facts on Hob's Backstory:

Hob has always had a knack for Necromancy. It started with being able to reanimate bones of a long passed squirrel or bird. He tried learning other magics. He can conjure a flame above his finger pretty well, but that’s as far as his Pyromancy skill goes. Healing always fought him, as much as he wished otherwise. He couldn’t even magic up a paper cut. So he honed his skill with Necromancy.

He hid it from most. It was a feared magic, though when they see a young boy running happily with a reanimated skeleton of a frog on his shoulder, most people eased their minds on it.

The first time he reanimated a corpse was when a small skirmish hit their town. Many died, some by sword, some by fire. His parents were killed in the fight when he was but five and ten. His parents were the first bodies he reanimated. That was when he first figured out how to bring back their souls, briefly. They were recently killed, so their spirits still clung to their bones when Hob reanimated them.

They said their goodbyes. His father told him of family in the next town over he could go to. Then Hob let them rest and felt their souls depart.

He practiced this skill with the bodies of freshly slaughtered ewes and soon mastered the art of pulling the souls back, at least from those that still wished to return.

Other Random Universe notes:

Brother was helping me brainstorm (since he's good at asking pointed questions that make me think about how things work, especially battles and government and the like), so we decided that, given elemental magics exist, they've probably got steam-based artillery units. Probably canon-like, good for sieges and such. Also, with telepaths existing, he suggested in war, there's probably one still stationed in the city that communes with the main field officer, who would then get updates and details from different squads and outposts from their designated telepaths.

Also, the concept of having a Seer and Necromancer teaming up in order to perform long-distance corpse reanimations. Just that as an idea on the whole and how it affects this battle.

Lots of good ideas from our conversation the other night. And how growing up, with basic elemental magics existing, they might not have grown to have as strong a reliance on animals as we did. Farmers learning earth magics to till the earth or pull stone wouldn't need horses or mules to do so, in theory. They still could, but it would be less necessary. So the rate of being able to expand farming infrastructure was probably higher, allowing the main city to become more modern in various aspects.

Wip List

#ky's wip game #ky writes

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ofthenoseclan · 1 year ago

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@bakugames ty for asking i owe you my soul

if were talking about long running arcs my favourite has to be the religious war saga that spans from 10-13.5, ive talked about it at length before but i think its a perfect encapsulation of touhous skill at satire and commentary.

if i need to choose one single title in the series as the best self-contained plot point though, id have to say the 17th touhou project, touhou kikeijuu ~ wily beast and weakest creature., has a fantastic freestanding story, one that took a lot of risks with how tonally bleak it got in comparison to the rest of the series, and i respect it immensely for that (shame about the gameplay side of things). ive seen it described as touhous take on cyberpunk, or as zun using his enjoyment of shin megami tensei to make a better shin megami tensei plot than the franchise itself has, and that tracks.

17 introduces a setting of animal youkai in the middle of a resource war, with different organized factions vying for control of property in the form of human spirits, rendered an oppressed class in this realm. these factions all have contrasting, equally morally dubious ideals, ranging from an autocrat that promises peacetime under totalitarian rule to a cutthroat anarcho-capitalist. in a series without truly immoral antagonists most of the time, choosing to introduce multiple characters who are the closest to villains the series has seen yet is a decision that i think payed off big-time, and its still continuing to do so in future titles seeing as this arc of the series hasnt yet concluded in full.

worldbuilding-wise, my favourite aspect of the lore of the setting has to be the corrupt, barely-functional bureaucracy of the afterlife. the way that tenkai is a gated community, rejecting people they dont think deserve the privilege of ascending to its high-class lifestyle, so they rig the system to pretend as if its population is full despite clearly still accepting nepotism babies like tenshi into the gates. the way this backfires and raises the population density of jigoku so much that they have to downsize and move to a new location. the way the budget of jigoku is so unsustainable that they have to set up stands along the road of liminality to raise funding. its hilarious and i love every bit of it. theres so much irony to dig into in this aspect of gensoukyou and i love it whenever zun expands on it.

as for the one i think is most mischaracterized i would absolutely say komachi, for reasons explained in that post and here

#touhou #blub #hydrophone

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ruthlesslistener · 1 year ago

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Seeing as you are quite fond of BloodBorne and the various eyes it tends to layer on peoples brains, what are your thoughts on Elden Ring? (Apologies if this has been asked already)

Also considering FromSoft is putting out Armored Core 6 would you be interested in playing that as well?

(this is a poor attempt to distract you from the horrible dumb shit that Anon sent you, so i send you hugs and questions to help)

DUDE I FUCKING LOVE ELDEN RING, it's my favorite Fromsoft game behind Bloodborne, so much so that I have a canon url blog for it at @lichdragon-fortissax (though I admittedly haven't been posting as much there bc I've been in my Destiny 2 hyperfixation as of late). I adore the story, the characters, the art and the gameplay, and it's where I ended up accidentally making a couple of ocs I'm actually really fond of, which is rare bc I tend to be extremely nitpicky about my own personal content. Bloodborne is a favorite in a sort of spiritual/thematic way but Elden Ring is a fav for it's storytelling, with Ds1 right behind it. I've got so many hours in there and tbh once I'm finished griding out the rest of Season of the Deep I'm considering redownloading it to give my strength and int builds another shot (though I'll probs just co-op Malenia on Fenrix more bc I adore that fight). It's a fucking masterpiece

As for Armoured Core, I just finished watching Vaati and Ironpineapple's videos on it and I'm super stoked to see it in full, though I'm kind of on the fence if I want to get it at full launch or wait to watch a playthrough first, which I did with every game but Elden Ring bc I knew I'd click with it right away (full launch is 5 days before my birthday, so that would be a great present, but still...I'm stingy with money and when to spend it shchfje). I'm not much of a mech guy typically, but I love the bleak nature of the Armoured Core series with their poignant criticism of capitalist corperate systems, and the super-customization aspect of it makes my little strategy-loving brain giddy. I get the feeling that if I do end up playing it I'll just end up tinkering with my build and replaying missions over and over again for the sole purpose of maximizing efficiency for each encounter, bc if there's one thing I love to do, it's find a way to absolutely bulldoze bossfights. It looks sick as hell and I absolutely cannot wait for someone to find the world's most broken build day 1 of the community that comes to dominate the meta before it gets nerfed to hell and back (though tbh I'd be just as delighted if that was a fruitless effort simply because of certain strategies needing certain parts and tactics, as seems to be the idea for the gameplay)

#bl4ck-dr4gon #reply #tysm for this btw it does help #rambling about hyperfixations is like my one happy button other than animals

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thefinalwitness · 1 year ago

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W-O-L for the ask meme ໒( ” •̀ ᗜ •́ ” )७

SILLY. THANK U!!

Witness: What do they consider the best thing they have ever seen? What would they most like to see in their life?

l'aiha is honestly always amazed by new places! having profound amnesia in her late 20s, a lot of 'normal' things feel brand new to her. she responds almost strangely to the first time she sees a forest, the mountains, the ocean...

i think one of the biggest scenery impacts she's experienced though is THIS.

it's called "the burning wall", located in eastern thanalan, and while the name predates the structure, the latter only came into being after the calamity (when l'aiha lost her memory). for those unfamiliar, it's basically crystallized, fire-aspected magic. it's the first 'scar' of the calamity l'aiha sees, and to this day it inspires an odd mix of hope and grief in her.

for a long time, the place she wanted to see was old sharlayan, but of course, we crossed that off the bucket list when endwalker launched! i think now, after traveling to ultima thule and back, l'aiha really wants to see other planets! she's FASCINATED by the world once again proving itself endlessly bigger than she thought it was, and knowing many of these planets are in turmoil, she does want to help too. she's a bleeding heart like that.

Organizer: How organized are they? Do they have any unusual organization systems? What would cause them to be uncharacteristically (dis)organized?

l'aiha is VERY organized, in a lot of the 'traditional' ways. alphabetizing, color-coding, things like that. her only "weird" organizing system is when she's actively in a project; her workspace would look cluttered or messy to others, but she has a very firm idea on where everything is, and most importantly, she can SEE it all. she tends to hyperfocus during projects, and so if she can't see a tool at all times, it might as well not exist. her brain just can't keep info like" it's in the drawer" or "behind the stack of papers" readily available unless the item is IN her line of sight.

depression, unsurprisingly, makes her disorganized. she's unable or unwilling to put things away in an orderly fashion, and is more likely to be unable to find things she wants even IF it's organized. again, this is kind of because she needs to be able to SEE items in this state of mind. it's too complicated to remember where things are when she feels depressed, sick, frantic, etc—so once she finds something, she's more likely to leave it out in the open where she can find it again. except... there's not quite the 'rhyme and reason' as she has when working. she'll put it somewhere, forget, and then struggle to register it's right in front of her. that's why this is disorderly even for her, and the cluttered workspace when she's hyperfixated isn't.

Lover: How do they show love? Do they love themself? Do they believe that all you need is love?

i think despite her trust issues, l'aiha loves A LOT. she tends to express this through encouragement, favors, reminders and recognizing when someone needs space. she's pretty good about not overstepping because she's paying close attention to the loved one in question; she picks up on verbal and physical 'tells' that help her to know when someone perhaps needs something they're not communicating. (example: my sister has a really specific sigh when she's out of social energy. hearing it, i know to wrap up whatever we're talking about so she can go rest.)

DOES she LOVE HERSELF... after endwalker? i think yes. i think it's not the bold or loud kind of self-love we might expect, but she very intentionally chooses her identity as l'aiha over sharlayan's memory of her as j'nhala; she stands firm in the notion that she is not j'nhala anymore and will never be j'nhala again. she advocates for her as l'aiha. she prefers this name, this identity, and will fight for it in any situation of particular importance to her—friends and so on.

for most of ARR through ShB, l'aiha isn't considering "l'aiha" as her real self. she's looking for who she WAS. but at the same time, she's experiencing everything AS l'aiha. it's her name, it's her identity, so much so that, unconsciously, at some point, "looking for herself" became "looking for someone else", because SHE'S l'aiha, and whoever she was before that isn't herself. she becomes conscious of this in endwalker, and i think that's when it really starts to look like self-love. l'aiha is no longer "a placeholder", it's who she is.

and BOY does she know you need more than love. love got her through everything, of course—she would not have made it, many times, without love—but love couldn't feed her as a refugee in ul'dah. it couldn't protect her from ifrit's fires. it couldn't cure her of the light corruption.

i think she believes "you need love, AND". you need love and food. you need love and help. you need love and etc etc etc. love, i think, is an essential ingredient to her—you won't make it with just the food or just the help either—but the two things cannot replace each other. you need both. you need love, and.

#TY KIM <33 #l'aiha #wol #about #wol questions #kitkatkimble

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transgenderfivepebbles · 2 years ago

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would you like to spill the deets about your oh seas

Okay so I run an askblog (points at @emergentharmonies-localgroup) and I don't want to let the slugcats out of the can too soon but I cannot resist. All about my mentally unwell children under the cut.

Long, be warned.

The Local Group

Four siblings, nestled in a once-frigid valley crossed by countless rivers and surrounded by high mountain plateaus. Their facilities teem with purposed maintenance organisms to keep them and their communications intact.

Reflections of Song (they/them)

The group senior. Their large can and dual-chamber design was intended to house a truly extraordinary city, a hub of industrial and artistic activity. In spite of its former glory, it has, of course, long been abandoned, like all the others.

Their two puppets are not quite separate people – despite the differences in their demeanor, tailored to fit the needs of the residents, they share memories and desires, fundamentally very similar beings.

Dawn, the eastern puppet, once managed the more personal aspects of the city; social, cultural, and spiritual questions were predominantly directed to her. As such, she is more sociable and playful than her counterpart, and looks back on the time spent with the Ancients with a bittersweet fondness.

Dusk, situated in the west, kept the practical systems of the city running, organizing industrial and economic practices to bring prosperity to their creators. He's rather withdrawn and direct as a consequence, but highly innovative, and engineered most of the creatures that maintain the local group now.

Entangled in Promises (he/him)

Second oldest of the group, he was built on a polar mountain plateau, in an effort to alter the local climate for more abundant life. Unfortunately, the major altitude change between the surface and his roof was not taken into consideration, and as time passed and temperatures rose, the air conditions at the extreme elevation of his city became nearly uninhabitable, his residents leaving for his younger, lower-built siblings. His construction was very unusual as groundwater would normally not pool at such a high elevation, meaning that his water intakes are highly decentralized, fed by many smaller mountain tributaries rather than the large valley aquifer system that the rest of the local group draws from.

Also part of The Divorce Triangle™, who I have repeatedly tagged on posts and will explain in detail farther down.

Two Ashen Bells (she/her)

My failgirl. My first iterator. My miserable computer daughter. Nature loving iterator who can't be normal about it. I'll tell you all about her.

She hates being an iterator. She can't take the guilt of being what she is, of destroying the world around her by simply existing. In the past, she mostly dealt with it by establishing a sanctuary in the upper portions of her can, diverting vapor channels to reduce her rain output and provide water to the creatures living in the safe spots above, unlocking her city's gate so that it could be put to some use again.

Though she enjoyed watching as nature overtook the abandoned ruins, she still couldn't bear the knowledge that the old world, before her creators came along, the way things should've been, was gone and there was no way to get it back and she was only making it worse. Her guilt eventually spiraled into self-destruction, and she saw merit in Erratic Pulse's ideas, but he did not sympathize with her back, and she was excluded from most groups involving him or his ideas. Void forbid women do anything.

In rationalizing her hatred of her own mechanisms, she grew hostile to the rest of her kind as well, believing the creation of iterators at all to be a mistake.

Now, she sits isolated from her local group by her own will, trying desperately for a way to redeem herself for her very existence.

Nascent Sparks (he/they)

The youngest of the local group, and second to have been created by me. He's my special birthday boy, my little gamer. Probably listens to Miku.

He was built in the midst of a highly divisive religious schism, one that often escalated into violence. Though it wasn't really intentional on their part, the Ancients living in his city often depended on him to resolve conflicts from very shortly after his inception, and he would often end up witness to a lot of unnecessary strife and violence. Having spent his youth in such a situation, of course, took a toll on their mental state, and the global ascension was a point of both great sadness and relief to them.

At the moment, they spend most of their time honing their bioengineering knowledge and conversing with friends. The effects of what he endured in the past are not so bothersome now, but they're not completely gone either.

The Divorce Triangle™ (the other two)

Variegated Disarray (it/he/they/neos)

Once heavily restricted by an unsympathetic and controlling adminstration, Disarray was built as a high-efficiency model with an exceptional capacity for parallel processes and precise control over them. Shortly after global ascension, it set out to remove its own taboos, with great success, changing its name and redesigning its puppet to shed the legacy of his creators as much as possible. He has no interest in ascending, and doesn't believe that anyone should; it accepts life as an iterator with this newfound freedom, and desires to break the others' shackles as he did his own.

Idyllic Field (she/they/he(?))

Rather unremarkable in her construction and history; quiet but deeply kind, striving to empathize with and care for all those they came across. She and Promises were in a stable and loving relationship, very affectionate toward each other in spite of the distance between them. Their relationship with Disarray, on the other hand, was considerably more uneasy, and eventually she, swayed by his offer of freedom, attempted to break her own taboos, only to fail and develop rot, which was ultimately incurable and led up to the event of A Silent, Tranquil End.

#asks #i. i guess this is basically the oc masterpost #idk whether IF actually uses he/him askjdhjf theyre. genderfluid and out of office today sorry #i went a bit wild on this one. took so very long to write about all of them #but here they are. anon enjoy your feast

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stephonline · 1 year ago

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Weight of a Body: Final

Structure and Support.

These were fun to take, I have a more, different ones, but I honestly couldn’t decide which ones to use, so if anyone has any critiques on composition or whatever you think could be better, please let me know! I miss critiques.

(The Forest was not [permanently] littered in the making of this piece)

It is comical and absurd.

The absurdity of my (and our) predicament:

The body, being disconnected from the earth, from nature, from intuition, but also being lifted up by the structure.

What has lifted us up, has also been what has disconnected us. Of course, this separation is not the fault of the creation or the solution, but rather it is the fault of the state of the source of the problem (the mind, the body, society, counter-productive systems). Rather than seeing these tools as a hindrance to re-connection, seeing them as tools or gateways back to source, back to the earth, or back to ourselves. Using them as temporary tools for healing and growth rather than tools for sabotage and further disconnection.

These Orgains, being a complement and a healing tool for me to eventually be not only stable but thriving (in all regards, not only physical), have lifted me up out of a slump that would’ve likely not been there if it wasn’t for many of our modern circumstances and belief systems. But, this is where we find ourselves. So, even though they would have not been necessary, they were helpful, and necessary, in this situation. These shakes eventually helping me get to a place where I no longer need them. (not replacing food but being a complement to it). Discerning between when it is actually a tool rather than a hindrance has been the hard part. That is, an ongoing inquiry.

Nuances and the “and”:

With that being said, these structures (wherever we may apply this analogy, ex. to society, ex. fossil fuels), can be categorized as bad, and, they are also helpful in some ways. These aspects of our living, we are still dependent on, so being able to see the nuance in the predicament we are in, helps us see the necessary steps we need to take to return to/create systems that will better serve us, the earth, and anything and everything else more fully, in our present moment.

Surrender and true service:

Forceful action vs. loving action (and non-action) for me this showed up as rest, introspection and grace.

Being graceful with myself:

I felt a lot of guilt in nourishing myself, in doing anything that may have be considered selfish, by me. (I am especially active in the sustainability and ecosystem restoration community here in Miami, so creating waste consistently and consciously was something I definitely considered “unnecessary” and selfish). Not feeling worthy of rest, feeling useless in moments of inaction.

Compassion has been one of the answers. Compassion for the body, compassion for the mind. Being of service to this body, and to the inner space, too. Compassion for the situations we have found ourselves in, which in many ways are quite contrived and silly, but serve us in our journeys toward personal growth. This action from compassion and gentleness, helping us to soften ourselves into self-honesty and true service, taking action from a place of balance and love, rather than a place of instability and lack.

This piece, exploring the surrender into stillness and compassionate self-care, in this experience that could be called a blessing, aiding us in our journey towards wholeness, clarity, purpose.

Modern times are strange, but we’re here. Supporting each other on our journeys.

…

That’s it!

Thanks for this prompt!

#3ddesign #weightofabodysupport #weightofabodystructure

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swansong-of-occhiolism-blog · 1 year ago

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So it seems I actually used you, once. Although it's been a minute. Life update for this decade:

Diagnosed with bipolar ii, gen+soc anxiety, ADD

Soon to be 6 years clean! One small slip off the wagon, half a bean (that's speed or amphetamine for you future web archaeologists) and then I reached out to A (7 year anniversary tomorrow!) I flushed the rest (I'm so sorry for the pollution but it was the right thing for me in that moment to reduce harm ♡)

Yeah, I still get regular cravings. At least bi-weekly, still daily when I'm stressed.

I know I'm full-blown looneypants from crazy town, but I'm also starting to wonder if these disorders, more and more of which are appearing in our youth post-covid, are merely symptoms of a woefully broken social structure rather than 'disorders,' and as a "trauma survivor" (I still loathe that label. It reduces me to only what I've overcome, ignoring any outgrew aspect of what makes me, me!) or something I would have experienced in any timeline and regardless of nepotism.

Regardless which is true, our system is broken. If I couldn't consistently beg+borrow, I would still be homeless, now with 2 children and a spouse. Average rent in my area is nearly $2k/mo for a 2-bedroom attached. ODSP (Ontario disability support program) ensures that my household has 1900/mo for the 4 of us, so that basically covers necessary travel and groceries (milk is up to $12 for 4L!?), along with utilities, and leaves a few hundred for rent. I can sometimes find and do odd jobs, but generally I'm doing, how do you say.. ah -- FUCKING TERRIBLY

I'm still struggling with my depression and anxiety, and I'm worse off financially, socially, by just about any other useful and real metric since becoming sober.

That means the bad guys are winning. And the winners write the history, and apparently rewrite it a century or more later to allow and even positively frame their bigotry and hatred. Will my death even be recorded when it finally comes? Or will I be a rounded-down, modal average, "miscellaneous civilian loss by township," (or some other overly watered down by semantics, or even outright fabricated and 'verified' statistic) during what I'm terrified is becoming a more and more certain class war between the ultra wealthy 700 people who effectively control EVERY RESOURCE AND LAW ON OUR PLANET OF 8+ BILLION.

I want better than this for my children, and I feel guilt daily for forcing them to experience this world that I still don't feel like I belong in. My utopia is so far past socialism that it makes communism look like gluttony. I'll take a moment to ramble about that, even:

Imagine, if you will, a world where the only thing "yours" are internal. Your love, your relationships, your soul/energy/what-have-you, while material things from here belong to everyone living here. You step outside the group or individual residence you choose to spend last night in.

At least one person truly fucking LOVES this area, maybe it's the flora and fauna, maybe it's geophysical, maybe it's tied to something intrinsic to them, like a cherished memory. But that person will voluntarily make every effort to keep that place safe and awesome for everyone 20 of 30 days of the month, and love that they're doing that. You love symbiotic landscaping, so you take a moment to appreciate your recently planted garden before going to the first vehicle that looks like you want it for this ride. You hop in, choose between manual or automatic road+mode, and push the button ignition. Thank God (the charging station installation specialist) because everywhere you can reasonably park will charge any parked vehicle! You head to the food library and check to see who and what is available. SCORE!! There's a griller here today! Let's grab some <full of nutrients, lacking in junk, GMO BBQ> on a fresh baked bun. Even though it's the 20th time they've made this exact same sandwich today, the griller is pumped to hand you your steaming bamboo plate and a smile splits their face as you smile at just the scent of your meal. And now, you're ready to go plant some more gardens and forests!

Obviously, I could live forever further inventing this fantasy world of mine, and is got some obvious kinks and necessary disclaimers (like disability devices/vehicles, needing a quiet night while buddy in the next room needs a CPAP, etc) but if I don't come back to reality now I'm afraid I'll leave it too far behind for a bit too long and have a complete rainbow-pill meal for a while, so I'm going to instead read on someone else's fantastic creations.

Sorry this was so jumbled and semi-dissociated, I'm having a (not completely terrible, but) bad day.

On that note, 0-5 ascending scale::

Irritability: 2

Anxiety: 5

Mood: 1

Ability to direct focus: 2

Short-term to long-term memory exchange: 1

Highlights of the day:

Very nearly shed my first tear since my "i lost my daddy-father" day, december 23, 2022. I sobbed as if I would soon be dehydrated, I moaned and wailed into a pillow in the cellar (we're chez Mami aujourd'hui) and my eyes welled enough that squeezing them tightly (enough to cause shaking throughout my head+neck muscles) let one wet the pillow. It was a pink butterfly pillow, with pink and purple sequins, and a blue carapace (or the papillion equivalent)

Until/Unless I write again, goodbye.

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helvelloides · 2 years ago

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WRITEBLR RE-INTRO

Hi everyone! It’s Andie here! Been awhile since I made something like this. So, I figured that, seeing as I’m trying to be a little bit more active in the community now, I should probably tell you guys a bit about myself and my current wips!

Like I said, I’m Andie. I’m 20 y/o, and I use they/them pronouns. Fun fact about me, I have seven cats and I love them so much, even when they’re actively ruining my life.

I write a mix of fanfiction and original fic (although right now I’m focusing predominantly on the fanfic side of things.) And here are some of the things I’m really into -->

HORROR!! HORROR HORROR HORROR!! I love the spooks. I love the scares. I love the psychological aspects. I love big scary monsters. I love it when the monster was yourself all along. Just don’t talk to me about mental illness in horror bc that upsets me greatly.

Speaking of horror, I mentioned in the above, but I love big, scary monsters. Especially if they’re not actually as scary as they may initially appear. Big scary monsters, my beloveds. If I could kiss them all on the mouth (with their consent) I would.

I love magic. Not necessarily a big high fantasy fan, but I love magic in other things. I love seeing different magic systems, I always think they’re just so cool.

Soft, cheesy romance. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m basic as fuck. I enjoy mediocre rom-coms ft. two conventionally attractive white leads every now and then. Deep in my heart, underneath all the big, scary monsters and pure, unfiltered rage, I am a sucker for a good romance.

[Talk about my wips under the cut]

ORIGINAL:

The Infected Woods: A fun horror story about three boys who get lost in the woods, and the one girl who’s determined to find them. Currently on hiatus, though I’m hoping to work on it again in the near future.

FANFICTION:

A Man of Mostly Bones: For all you Bones fans still out, I bring you my season 3 Bones rewrite ft. my own ocs for your viewing pleasure. It’ll hopefully one day be part of a larger series where I rewrite the rest of the series, but for rn I’m starting with one season. Currently in the first draft.

Tyrants WIP: A Power Rangers Jungle Fury fanfic that I’ve talked about a handful of times of my blog now, and plan on talking about a lot more, so I figure it deserves a spot on the post for the amount of brain rot it gives me. Currently in the first draft. (Main Project rn)

If you’ve read all the way through this, and are interested in what you see, consider giving me a follow! Also, thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen to my rambling. I really appreciate it.

*Scurries back into the shadows*

#writeblr #writeblr reintroduction #writeblr re intro #andie speaks

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koushisatori · 3 years ago

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if you can't believe in others, at least believe in us

kyoutani x gn!reader

genre: as ordered: a bit of angst w a touch of comfort

warnings: one (1) big jealous idiot, miscommunication

word count: 5.4k

note: this is smth an anon asked me to do (but like...nearly a year ago, I'm not sure if anon is still there or if they remember and my dumbass deleted the ask so I just beta-ed through whatever I had but I know they called me out on enjoying jealous characters so here we go) I'm sorry, mysterious anon, I'm stupid </3 Anyway, that's that. I don't remember if reader was supposed to be female or not so I made it gn!reader (but if I forgot to change something, pls tell me so I can fix any errors c: It's also my first attempt I apologize in advance)

In the beginning, you weren't sure why your boyfriend is ignoring you

You can't remember doing something that would annoy him, nor do you remember an instant of anger in his eyes that would give you a hint about his reasoning to stay away from you

He explained early on that sometimes he just needs a day of distance because Kentarou could feel the anger simmering right under the surface, enough that something small could tick him off already, and he would hate if you were on the receiving end of this unexplained fury

Both of you also made sure to promise each other to clearly communicate, the relationship between the two of you would not last long if you're not properly telling each other what might be bothering or hurting...just in general cross a boundary

Communication probably was one of the most important aspects of your relationship

cue to the actual situation: your boyfriend avoiding you

So, Monday evening you think maybe it's this overwhelming sensation of unexplained anger and that something at morning practice ticked him off completely

But then Tuesday comes and goes, and your boyfriend had avoided you all day long, did not even bother to read your messages,

on Wednesday, you try to talk to him, but all he does is glaring at you with a look that leaves you speechless and kind of heartbroken,

Thursday is the day you're replaying everything you did on Monday, trying to find something that he could have misunderstood, yet no matter how hard you think about it…your brain won't come up with a reason that explained why Kentarou was so upset with you!

So you decide to make him talk to you on Friday

Enough is enough, right? For gods' sake, he is your boyfriend! You miss him and his strong arms that give hugs so warm that you melt right into them

You don't get a second alone with him until school ends

you practically sprint out of the school building over to the gym, knowing that he had a free hour, which means that he is probably the first person there - your only chance

There he is, sitting with his back to you, aggressively chewing on a bun filled with chicken - his usual that reminded him of his favorite dish - glaring holes into the ground

After taking a deep breath to calm yourself, you carefully aks: ''Kentaro…Ken…?'', slowly stretching out your hand, wanting to rest it on his shoulder to maybe help to soothe him a bit

he flinches instead and his heated, agitated gaze meets your eyes, making you recoil in return

''…will you talk to me, I miss you…'' you say softly, realizing how it hurt being ignored by him

''Ah, suddenly you miss me…'' he spits, narrowing his eyes ''…didn't fucking seem like it the last time I saw you…''

''Kentaro, baby, I have no idea what you mean,'' you plead, keeping your voice low to hide the desperation lacing it, confusion written all over your features

all Kyoutani does is growl, hopping down from where he's sitting while shouldering his gym bag

''...shouldn't have been so flirty with Shittykawa like that then-'' he grumbles - ''Ken, I didn't-'' you insist, but he continues ''twirling your hair, batting your pretty eyelashes at him, fuck you Y/N, if you want him, then feel free to take a fucking leave" Kyoutani cusses, not even listening to you

You shake your head, ''Kentaro, no, you totally misunderstood the situation,'' you follow up, panic seeping into your voice now that you knew what he referred to, ''I love yo-''

''Tsk'', he moves to leave

you try to take his hand but, instead of turning around, Kyoutani just rips it away from you, tucking it into the pocket of his jacket

from behind you, you hear Yahaba and Oikawa approaching (talking about Volleyball and Captains duties)

once they guessed what must have happened, they offered you their help (they both swear that Kyoutani will never ever find a ''cute s/o as you are, y/n-chan, I'm worried for my little angry pomeranian kohai'' )

Usually, you would try to talk to him, but after enduring a week of radio silence and now this treatment, you were tired of upholding something that seemed like a lost cause

you just wave both setters off and leave the school grounds, a frown plastered onto your lips and tears swimming in your eyes

Kentarou had not listened to you, did not even really look at you, and the few seconds he did, his eyes were filled with rage instead of the warmth he had usually reserved for you (and only for you)

If your boyfriend thinks avoiding you for a week and blaming you for something ridiculous without hearing you out is how you handle a relationship…maybe you would have to consider not pursuing it any longer

Which is easier said than done

The whole night you wait for a message, anything, and then all Saturday morning

you still had hope left

You get one from Yahaba, who tells you that Oikawa tried to clear up the situation as well after the reason for your fight dawned on him (Kyoutanis piss poor mood and behavior towards him a strong indicator) but Kentaro, again, just ran off

The future team captain even called you after your lackluster answer, listening to you getting the frustration and sadness out of your system

It didn't matter, right? Your boyfriend decided to unofficially call it quits by implying that your feelings for him were not genuine instead of using his mouth to talk to you and disregarding everyone involved

as if he wanted to ignore the truth as a convenient excuse to get out of your relationship

that's the conclusion your brain came up with

You softly sniffle in the privacy of your room, clutching a pillow to your chest (which has seen more tears in the last two days than in the past three years), deciding that it would be a good idea to go into the city to treat yourself

knowing that your mother has a hair-dresser appointment somewhen today, you go and announce that you would join her to finally buy the latest season of your favorite series

once there, you additionally get microwave popcorn, chocolate, and ice cream, as well as a pretty shirt you saw on a mannequin while window shopping

you feel a lot better after spending some money and ignoring the lingering sadness of your presumable break up with Kyoutani (who you love ok, it is not that easy)

In between your stops, you meet Iwaizumi and Oikawa munching on fatty burgers (celebrating your cheat days like a holiday and indulging in whatever your heart desires, is what makes it easier to stick with healthier habits the rest of the time was the questionable explanation coming from the brown-haired setter, pointing at you with a soggy potato fry)

after a moment, the setters eyes turn sad, a frown replacing the smile on his lips

he wraps his fingers around your wrist to stop you from going just yet, apologizing for being the cause of your fight and for being unable to talk some sense into him

(you assure him that it is not his fault, knowing that your friend will probably brood over it otherwise, which wouldn't be fair)

Iwaizumi adds that Kyoutani will come around and that his cooldown time is just longer than those of other people (and if not, he will give him one of his famous volleyballs to the head and use his status as only truly respected senpai to talk some sense into him) but you again decline their suggestions

after saying goodbye (and seeing Iwaizumi give his best friend an assuring gentle pat on his shoulder, the secret softy in the usual harsh ace shining through)

If Kentaro was willing...able to throw away your relationship this easily, he can't possibly really love you, and you'd accept this even if it's hard and painful

Now remembered of what you had attempted to forget about, you feel your eyes sting with unshed tears (you thought there was no possibility of you having more tears to spill, yet the impossible seemed to be the case) you look down at your phone to text your mom and frown

Kentaro 🥰: we need to talk. Kentaro 🥰: meet me there [location]

For a second, you hesitate, biting your lower lip harshly…you really want to go and talk to him but…

The tears still sting in your eyes and blurring your view reminded you of what you had gone through the whole time, and that it was his turn to finally come to you

break up or makeup, the ball was in his court now

so while walking to where your mother would be waiting for you, you begin to type

You: No.

You: I waited for you all week, even though you ignored me, and now you expect me to run the moment you choose to stop being a childish idiot?

You: if you decide to speak to me then comqjdkn

Kentarou wouldn't say he feels particularly bad. Not at all! If someone was to ask him, he would probably answer fucking peachy, what the fuck are you asking for or growl angrily. No one would bat an eye and further question him, nor guess that maybe he wasn't as great as he pretended because he missed his gorgeous better half, but…it was his fault, wasn't it?

Of course, he originally thought he had a valid reason to be upset. And if he had just spoken to you about it, everything would be solved now. Instead of being a decent boyfriend, though, his pride overtook his thinking processes once he realized that his behavior wasn't even the slightest bit justified. Not that he knew this when he saw you speaking with Shittykawa right before school. All he could see was his gorgeous s/o shyly fiddling with her fingers, conversing with a leaned forward, very involved Oikawa Tooru. He would have fetched you away from the brown-haired setter. He had no qualms about showing his possessiveness. God, Kentarou wouldn't have hesitated to growl at the tall, brown-haired boy if not for the question he heard coming from the Captain.

''Y/N-chan, how is it that you, an adorable, charming individuum, is with a brute like Mad Dog-chan? I really-'' Well, that's where he decided to leave you with the setter. He didn't need to hear your answer. Didn't want to witness an excuse or maybe the truth. If both of you were so fucking smitten with each other to flirt this blatantly, why don't you just go and cheer for him, hold his hand, and kiss his cheek goodbye? It was his choice to distance himself.

Kyoutani couldn't help the feeling of betrayal and hurt washing over him. Maybe you just used him as a stepping stone to get closer with Oikawa, and Kyoutani has been too blind to see it. He never doubted you or your relationship before, but it's not a secret how eruptive Kyoutani could be. It has always been beyond his imagination how someone so cute and sweet like you could love a person like him. Your friends thought so. The teachers. The whole school! Everyone questioned your poor judgment. And when you came running up to him, you're cheery voice calling out for him, everyone present looked at you like you grew a second head. It's the reason why seeing you with Trashykawa ticked him off so bad. It catered to his biggest insecurities and fears. He knew that all those skeptics would be delighted to see you, everyone's darling, with the schools' star setter. They all would agree that the pretty, handsome young man is a better fit than the always hostile-looking troublemaker.

While Kyoutani didn't take Oikawa seriously in most cases, he undoubtedly was one of the most devoted people Kentarou had ever met. If Oikawa wanted to get a new serve right, he wouldn't stop trying and repeating it until his legs gave in, and Iwaizumi dragged him out of the gym. When he wanted to find more advanced players to practice with, so he could, in return, give this new knowledge to his team, there was no way he would not manage to make it happen. Even if his ideas, wishes, and plans cost him blood, sweat, and tears (like getting Kyoutani to actually train), Oikawa never backed down. Kentarou had heard that Oikawa's last girlfriend dumped him because of his passion for Volleyball. Yet Kyoutani couldn't help but think that, in you, the ambitious setter would have found someone that would be able to handle it. You usually came over to watch the team when you knew that Kyoutani was there to play. You sat on the stands with your homework in your lap and a Seijoh-coloured pencil wiggling between your fingers, not bothered by the noises coming from the court. You play with your earlobe while you frown at whatever problem you came across. You patiently wait for practice to finish. Kentarou was sure that you'd be someone Oikawa would actually try for. You weren't one of his squealing fangirls, hanging from his arm on every opportunity, but his friend. You didn't pester him to take selfies with you while pushing cute bentos into his hands. When you bring food to practice, then it's for the whole team to share. If he wanted you, Oikawa would probably have to win you over and make sure that you'd stay. Courting and all that jazz. In all seriousness, Shittykawa would be a fucking idiot if not.

The dyed-blond wing spiker had been so sure that he was rightfully mad that he didn't stop to think twice before he reacted this coldly towards you. But, and this made it even worse, Kentarou knew that he was wrong the moment you asked what happened after an entire week of enduring his silent treatment. The second he heard your shaky voice and saw the tears welling up in your eyes, his brain rebooted, and suddenly he wasn't so sure of his own reasoning. You two were together for about half a year. Kyoutani - by now - was confident in his ability to identify most of your expressions. All he could decipher in your eyes was pain, paired with a need to understand, but…if he was in the wrong…it would mean that he had hurt you the whole week, which in conclusion implied that Kentarou had been the world's shittiest boyfriend. Fuck, he thought, I don't deserve y/n.

His situation didn't get any better the moment Oikawa entered the gym. The person Kyoutani thought he had a real reason to despise now tried to mend the rift between the two of you.

''Mad Dog-chan, I think you misunderstood something there. Well, no, you decided to not listen-'' The taller male says, hands gesturing wildly. While his voice still had that annoyingly cheery tone, it had something commanding hidden underneath. And oh, how Kentarou hated when someone demanded something of him, even if it was for his own good. ''Don't want to hear it.'' the blond mutters, already aggravated. The brown-haired setter resolutely puts himself in the way again. ''Oh, but you have to! That morning, Y/N-chan literally declared her love for yo-'' - ''I don't fucking care.'' Kentarou barks, not looking Oikawa in the eyes.

After another fruitless attempt to get properly into the gym, he growls and turns to leave. Already on his way to grab his stuff and take a leave, he hears Oikawa yelling. ''You answered and justified why I asked Y/N-chan to begin with!" And then louder, even though he could make out Iwaizumi trying to wrestle his childhood friend back into the gym, "APOLOGIZE, YOU IDIOT! YOU BETTER GROVEL FOR Y/N'S FORGIVENESS! THEY DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS SHOW YOU'RE PUTTING ON, AND YOU KNOW IT!"

This happened on Friday evening, and the guilt was gnawing away on him ever since. On his way home, Kyoutani had automatically taken the detour to your house. Kentarou enjoyed bringing you home (and more often than not, you pulled him inside with you, making him cuddle you!). It makes him feel like a good boyfriend, and he knew that you arrived there safely. He would never tell anybody and deny it if you ever decided to share this, but Kentarou relished in the feeling of your hand holding his all the way while going on about your day. He admired that you'd pet every cat and every dog you meet on the trip home together with him. You were perfect for him…why again did he act like this?

What caused Kyoutani's attempt to apologize - in his usual overly blunt and partly aggressive kind of way - was Yahaba, though. Both boys denied being remotely something beyond 'not really enemies'. But his future team captain was definitely one of the very few people that could and would tell him to his face that he fucked up without real repercussions. He would presumably even help Kyoutani to get it together.

After Yahaba had called you and listened to your heartbreaking rant, the setter realized that you, his friend, and his 'not really enemy' needed to talk ut out. Totally immersed in your tirade, you accidentally let slip that you couldn't endure Kyoutani's treatment any longer. That being pushed over by your boyfriend with brash and hurtful words after handling the cold shoulder was too much. That you expected Kyoutani to break up with you on Monday either way. In-person, if he had mercy on you or continue his treatment as a silent method of doing so. While you told Yahaba about your planned ''get over it-self-care'' weekend (involving tons of ice cream, movies with crying guarantee, lots of blankets, and no smartphone), the setter had already put on his jacket, shooting a message to Kyoutani.

From Yahaba: get your stupid fucking ass outside to meet me, or I'll bench you the complete season next year

Even though the wing spiker was sure that Yahaba's words were nothing but empty words, Kentarou allowed himself to accept this threat as an excuse to put his pride aside. Because, even though Yahaba annoyed him to no end - not as bad as Oikawa but still - Kentarou was also aware that you and he were friends. If someone could help him gaining your forgiveness, Kyoutani had to accept and admit that it was Yahaba. Meeting his light brown-haired teammate was kind of awkward. Kyoutani was unsure what he had to expect, though he should have seen the rough treatment coming. Yet, getting told that you, the person Kentarou was undeniably in love with, felt so neglected and hurt that you deemed this relationship to be as good as over allowed the guilt monster in his chest to grow. Shitty Oikawa was probably right ordering him to grovel and beg on his knees for you to even hear him out.

Your answer to his message was partly unlike you. Well, the last sentence. You usually were pretty forward with him to avoid miscommunication and uncalled-for moping around. And while you sometimes send keyboard smashes to express the chaos you felt, they were always in a separate message and not so…random. The text definitely meant something like ''then come to me'' but somehow, Kyoutani had an uneasy feeling about the whole thing.

Besides, he couldn't just wait till Monday and hope that you'd accept his apology! You may send him away today already, but he still had a teeny-tiny bit of hope. If he let the thoughts of him leaving you or the other way around fester in your mind for two whole days, though,…you'd probably realize that leaving him wasn't that bad of a decision. You'd come to the conclusion that all your admirers could treat you better than Kyoutani did. And he was too selfish to let you leave. Even though all he did the whole week was being self-centered and stuck up, he would be damned to begin being a saint now and let you go. That you at least were willing to talk to him was…a relief, to say the least. Kentarou hoped that this translated to you being willing to put up with him a little longer if he apologized correctly. That you're not opposed to giving him another chance to make things right.

At your house, he was greeted with darkness. Not even a single light illuminating any of the rooms he could see from his spot on your front lawn. And the ones he saw were your and your mom's most-used rooms. Your room window, your mothers' workroom, and the living room area with an adjacent kitchen. All of those rather significant rooms and the lack of light in them seemed to be a dead giveaway for Kyoutani that no one was home. Kyoutani guessed that you were probably out with your mom, glancing over to the empty spot in front of the garage.

Oh god, your mother had been the only supportive person of your relationship. Maybe it's in your family to see the best in everyone, even in shitty people like him. But if you told her about his behavior, she'd most likely not welcome him with a smile ever again, no matter if you forgave him.

There weren't many things Kyoutani could do in this situation, but it wasn't as late as nature let it on, and after a few seconds, he had decided to sit down at the front door and wait for you, hoping that it wouldn't take too long for you to come home. As if fate wanted to tell him something, the wing spiker had put on the jacket with the half-full power bank. He had worn it to the shelter when he visited it this week while distracting himself from your absence in his daily life. You had gifted him the piece of clothing, which is probably why he unconsciously had decided to wear it to everything he did after school in the first place.

Kentarou passed the time by snarling at people eyeing him for a moment too long to not be judgmental, petting the neighbors' cat wandering over to him, and watching videos. Every time he thought ''Y/N would like this'', his heart stuttered guilty.

To Kentarou, it felt like an eternity until your mother's car finally drove up the entry. To avoid your mother's potentially deadly stare, he nervously checked his mobile, realizing that he had waited for a little more than 3 hours. Yet, the wait had done nothing to soothe his nerves. They instantly spiked up again while his heart threatened to jump out of his throat.

She will hate me. Your mother would hate me, she'll hate me, she'll ha-

''Ah, Ken-chan! Good evening.'' Your mother greets him with a tired, yet still gentle smile. Oh. The blond blanches. He'd never admit it, but he enjoyed the treatment he received from your mother more than he should. Being spoken to without suspicion and receiving a warm smile every time without fail was a welcome change to his daily life. Your mother didn't listen to people trying to bad-mouth him. To her, he simply was the boy that - normally - treats her child the way a mother wished for. Even if he pulled a face as long as a fiddle.

''I didn't know you were coming, Ken-chan, or I would have messaged you…but now that you're here, maybe you can assist us out and help Y/N inside? It would help a lot.'' His gaze immediately flitted over to you on the passenger seat. With your arms crossed in front of your chest and that stubborn but endearingly cute pout on your lips, he nearly missed the tiredness your body emitted. Kentarou wanted to rush over to your side immediately but was stopped by your mother again. ''I don't know what you two are fighting about…but please talk to each other. I don't want my baby to be this sad. Especially now, and…'' she rests a hand on his shoulder, her eyes kind and comforting ''…I also don't want to miss you here, alright?'' He stiffly nodded and watched your mother carrying in plastic bags filled with various medicine packages and food.

After coming back to his senses, Kyoutani finally stumbled over to your side, practically ripping open the car door. This new perspective revealed a plaster cast wrapping your whole left leg and a removable wrist brace on your right hand. ''Bab- Y/N…what the fuck…happened?'' His honey-brown eyes continued to wander over your injuries, and with every second, he found more. Scratches and scrapes, bandaids and bandages peeking out from underneath your clothes. ''I'm so sorry,'' he whispered, hanging his head low.

All your intentions to fight his helping hand and limp over to the door by yourself disintegrated into nothing. You never witnessed such a devastated, beaten expression on his face before. Instead, you settle for ''Will you help me?''. A question asked quietly to your fingers picking at a loose band-aid edge on your arm and pressing it back onto the irritated skin.

After you loosened your seatbelt, he waits for you to carefully place your arms around his neck. It is followed by Kyoutani lifting you out of the car so gently as if he was afraid you might break. This whole situation in itself already contradicting his brash appearance and usual behavior. It would give whiplash to all the people pretending to know him. But he was always caring in his own way when it came to you. It's why you loved him after all. Because you usually knew that he loved you, too.

For a few moments, the atmosphere between the two of you felt awkwardly tense, both of you unsure how to interact with each other. The mostly blonde wing spiker breathed out a sigh of relief when you fully leaned into his chest once he stood upright, resting your head against his shoulder. A bit of maneuvering through the front door eventually lead to Kyoutani passing through the hallway and taking you to your room, where he was gently lowering you down on the bed.

It was a now or never kind of situation. For the both of you. While Kentarou was trying to find out where to begin his apology, he took a few steps back in case you wanted space until everything was cleared up.

You unconsciously helped him making a decision by impulsively grasping onto his shirt the moment he started to withdraw, stopping him in his retreating movement. Kentarou saw your lower lips wobbling, teary eyes looking up at him pleadingly.

''Please stay,'' you say weakly, which is enough for him to throw the whole thinking process away and simply sit down next to you, intertwining both your hands. ''I'm staying. I'm not leaving. Not now nor this relationship if you still want...an ''us''. The wing spiker took a deep, shuttering breath. '' I'm sorry, Y/N…'' he finally manages to say, honey eyes locked onto your linked your hands. ''I have been fucking stupid all week. 've been a fucking terrible boyfriend, the worst to ever exist.''

As if to encourage him...to show your boyfriend that his apology was not for nothing, you shuffled around until the last bit of distance between the two of you was closed. You hum, acknowledging his words while leaning your head on his shoulder.

''I didn't think you're cheating or something, …'' Kyoutani immediately assures you. There was no way he would allow you to think that he would accuse you of something like this. ''I had no reason to be jealous, but I was insecure. Let it get the best of me. Despite our promise to communicate, I was sulking. 't was easier. I'll do whatever the fuck you want for you to not give up yet…'' he says, taking his time with every sentence.

With a sigh, you squeeze his hand. ''It will probably take a lot of cuddling and attention from you...'' you say thoughtfully ''...but I forgive you…if you promise to not do this again…'' you murmur, tilting your head upward to press a chaste kiss to his jaw. ''Otherwise, I'll accept Iwaizumi-san's offer to get your thinking process restarted.'' For a moment, your voice had its usual joking edge. But you knew talking out everything was necessary. ''But, in all honesty, 'Tarou....please, never do this again. I am honest. I will not endure this a second time. When you tell me that you need a day or two for yourself then that is totally fine. If you feel yourself giving into whatever insecurity, talk to me about it. I am sure there will be an explanation or a solution but don't leave me in the dark. Don't treat me like that. I love you. Only you and no one else. But the time love can withstand straight-up ignorance by your partner is limited.''

Slowly, your boyfriend nodded, squeezing your hand to tell you that he understood. You would probably cling to him for a while but were sure that he would survive the extra closeness. Not even half a second later, his head leans onto yours cautiously.

''…and try being nicer to Oikawa-san, Tarou, he hasn't done anything to you.'' You add humorously before small giggles started to erupt from your lips. ''Also...Baby…'' you start, being interrupted by choked-up hiccups and giggles. By using your nickname for him, you take away another persistent fear of his. What he does not miss, however, is how you wince in pain before you continue, ''…who helped you put this into words? I mean…I loved it, but…,'' You leave unsaid that words usually are not his strong fort.

Biting back a smile, he frowns, huffs, and puffs…, but the way you are looking up at him, eyes shining with relief and adoration, allows him to admit defeat. He sighs ''…it's how Yahaba said I should say it…'' It usually would be an odd enough statement to make you throw yourself all over him with laugher. As a slight replacement, you squeeze his hand a bit, still shaking with suppressed laughter. ''I promise…that I will talk to you. Can't promise the Shittykawa part.'' Another soft chuckle leaves your lips before you look up at him again. ''I hope you try nonetheless. You should not let Iwaizumi-san hear you calling Oikawa-san that, though, I don't think this would turn out well for you…so...maybe stop this at least.'' Kentarou rolls his eyes at you, but in the end, he nods.

You wait for another second to clearly distinguish the two topics before you continue. ''…Thank you…for coming and finally speaking with me instead of break-'' A hand on your lips muffles your words.

''Don't say these words. I'd never break up with you,'' Kentarou grumbles, a light, uncharacteristic light pink settling on his cheeks. You stick your tongue out, which leads to him taking his hand off of your face with a surprised noise, rather dumbfounded that you had licked his hand. It gives you the chance to lean up and finally press your lips against his. ''I'm not leaving you either,'' you murmur, feeling his lips twitch upwards slightly. You decide to leave the teasing for another day.

Moving back into your previous position was enough of a hassle to hiss in pain. It brought back Kyoutani's awareness of the second problem at hand. ''What did happen to you?'' Kyoutani asks in an attempt to tamper down the excited, happy beating of his heart.

''Oh, this...uh, when I answered your text, I got driven over by a dude on a bicycle,'' you casually drop. It was kind of entertaining to watch his expressions change at an unequaled pace while processing your words. In the end, it settled into something akin to passive-aggressive worry. The way he was immediately fretting over you while cursing and cussing out the bicycle dude was his own way of caring. As you watch him retrieving the food your mother bought, while mumbling about how you're a dumbass for not paying attention to your surroundings, how he'd come over every day until you could go to school again to bring and teach you the stuff you would miss and how he would fucking murder the bicycle idiot if he ever finds out who dared to drive you over, you can't help the smile forming on your lips.

Once again, you are proven that loving him - while occasionally troublesome and demanding - was everything but wrong.

#haikyuu imagine #haikyuu x reader #haikyu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #kyoutani x reader #kyoutani x y/n #kyoutani x you #seijoh x reader #aoba josai x reader #mad dog x reader #eeeeh i hope I didn't forget anything #tw jealousy #cw jealousy #????#y/n lowly humming the you kinda smell like a baka sound and he just </3 #deserved though

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justfangirlthingies · 4 years ago

Text

The prince of lies (Loki x reader)

Soulmate AU: Every time your soulmate lies, their words are permanently written on your skin

Word count: 3140 Words

I think this is the last Soulmate one that I have on Wattpad as of right now

Father is dead. Your banishment... The threat of a new war...it was too much for him to bear. You mustn't blame yourself. I know that you loved him. I tried to tell him so, but he wouldn't listen.

The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile

Mother has forbidden your return

This is goodbye brother, I'm so sorry

Perhaps your senses have weakened after your many years of service

I'M NOT YOUR BROTHER I NEVER WAS!

I don't know what happened on earth to make you so soft! Don't tell me it was that woman?... Oh, it was. Well, when we're done here, maybe I'll pay her a visit myself!

You're not

(etc. more lies)

Lies...

Every single one of them. How did you know? Well, because they were printed all over your body.

Every single lie your soulmate ever told up until now graced your (s/c) skin.

How was a liar like that supposed to be a soulmate for you? Someone you could trust?

Yes, your so called soulmate would never be able to lie to you, for as soon as he tried the lie would appear on your skin. Had they only been some minor white lies, that would've probably been fine by you, but looking at the severity of those lies you could only shake your head in disbelief and sorrow for whoever had received those news.

Now ignoring the fact that those statements were lies, there were other aspects that made absolutely no sense. Those you had already researched quite a bit . Jotunheim for a start was a mythical place and the lies stated that apparently the liar and his brother were not from earth, which was complete nonsense was it not? Otherwise he had to be some kind of alien.

You were interrupted in the middle of your thought-process.

I missed you too

A new lie, gracing your forearm. Though this one seemed rather small and harmless, this man was still lying through his teeth and you had to carry every single one of those lies. How often had you been asked why your body was full of lies. Yet you never had an answer to those questions. He was your soulmate, even if he was a liar he had to be good somewhere, right?

Aliens and beings from other worlds did exist though. Thor the god of thunder and the events of New York city. Did they have soulmates as well? They had to, otherwise the statements on your features made even less sense.

But who?

Who would lie so much?

The thoughts in your head kept floating around as you got ready to meet up with your friend Anthony.

You started walking to a nearby park. Your usual meeting point, as you felt yet another familiar tingle. Pushing it to the back of your head in hopes of ignoring it, you kept walking towards your friend and hugged him "It's good to see you" you smiled but only got a confused stare in return "What?" "You uh...got a new one there, a long one." A sigh escaped your lips at the reply of Anthony. "Well, where? And does it at least make sense?" Your friend just shook his head as he took a picture of the lettering on your collarbone "No, but here. Maybe you can understand some of this. It looks like sarcasm this time." He gave you his phone to look at the picture. Great another one.

Wait? Sarcasm? One thing you had to give your soulmate credit for were his snarky remarks, at least those sometimes put a smile on your face. You zoomed in on your collarbone as you read what was engraved on the previously clear space of (s/c) skin.

You know this is wonderful! This a tremendous idea! Let's steal the biggest most obvious ship in the universe and escape in that! Flying around the city, smash it into everything in sight and everyone will see it! It's brilliant Thor! It's truly brilliant...

Thor?! You could not believe your eyes. Whoever your soulmate was knew Thor. It was a shock and a relief as well. If he was friends with this god he couldn't be so bad, could he? You did however, question why Thor would spend time, let alone steal some kind of spaceship with this person.

"I see. I can't say I understand what it's about, but whoever this liar of mine is, seems to be friends with Thor..." The words left your mouth as you handed the phone back to your dear friend. The two of you sat down on a wooden bench underneath a tree, but when you heard Anthony speak up, your mind went blank "He could also be Thor's brother, doesn't that one lie a lot?" It took you a few moments to fully comprehend what he meant "No, that'd be impossible, that man is sitting behind bars for the rest of his life. Besides, that guy is evil. My soulmate could never possibly be a bad person." that last part was a lie. Your soulmate was a liar, he could easily be a bad person, you just hoped with all your might that he wasn't"

■ ■ ■

"Trust my rage" the god of mischief spoke. Just as he had finished his sentence he felt a tingle on his wrist. A rare occasion if it was a real lie, usually it was just a sarcastic comment which most of the time he enjoyed quite a bit. These sarcastic statements often caused a small smile to appear on his face, the few nice moments that made the time in his cell more bearable, not only did he find them funny and witty, they also stood for his soulmate, for someone that was destined for him and also that he was a perfect fit for whoever this soulmate was. He looked at his bare wrist expectantly, waiting for one of the snarky remarks that his soulmate had spoken to appear. When it did appear though, it broke his heart. His cold expression fell for a second as he looked at the writing on his wrist. Quickly regaining his cold exterior before anyone would notice. It was too late though. His brother had seen the trickster's face falter just in time and he had also seen what Loki was staring at. Before the raven-haired could pull his hand back he felt it had already been grabbed "Let go of me Thor!"

"Brother, just let me see!" Thor replied loudly, he wanted to know what this was about. Loki looked away in shame as he let his brother read what his soulmate had said. My soulmate could never possibly be a bad person. As he finished reading he loosened his grip on the other's hand, allowing Loki to finally pull his hand back "I'm sorry" he muttered. "They think I'm a monster too..." The black haired god whispered as he sat down in the small ship, his stone cold exterior dropping by the second. Was a soulmate not meant to understand? Was there really no hope for him?

"Loki..."

"Stop it. Don't pity me for something that's my own fault!" he screamed. He just needed a moment to calm down.

■ ■ ■

"How is this possible? How do I deal with this? I can't just ignore it can I? No" before you knew it you found yourself in front of a massive building. Stark tower. Your (e/c) eyes stared at the monument in awe, but you soon shook your head in order to resume your task. "Enter the tower and talk to the avengers on how to communicate with Thor. You have to do this because Thor knows your soulmate..." you repeated in your head as you entered the building...

...or so you thought.

In the blink of an eye you were consumed by light and gone from where you stood. Was that some kind of security system Stark invented?

Your eyes fluttered open just to see some old man on a throne before your sight went black and your body dropped to the ground unconscious.

■ ■ ■

"Are you certain Heimdall?" the king asked, looking at the unconscious human, who was now dressed to fit the Asgardian culture. He was inspecting some of the tattoos on their body "You were right they definitely are his soulmate. Though they seem to be a rather honest person, for Loki does not have as many markings on him. As far as I know at least"

What were they talking about? Who were these people, why did they speak of you in a connection to Loki, it made no sense. None at all. You tried to look like you were still passed out.

But apparently you failed in your acting. "The human is awake" a different voice spoke. Maybe it belonged to this Heimdall person.

A sigh of defeat left your lips as you opened your eyes. You tried to take in your surroundings when suddenly, your eyes went wide from the sensation on your skin.

You sighed as you waited for the writing to appear on one of your upper arms. "Oh boy this is a long one" You muttered underneath your breath, but it seems Odin had heard, for he raised an eyebrow as his eyes followed your gaze to your arm which you had uncovered from the strange clothing you were dressed in. The king had taken a hold of your arm to read your words.

You really think I cared about Frigga? About any of you? All I ever wanted was you and Odin dead at my feet! Malekith! I am Loki of Jotunheim and I bring you a gift! I ask only one thing in return, a good seat from which to watch Asgard burn.

"Fools!" Odin shouted.

Meanwhile you thought your eyes were about to pop out of their sockets as you tried to comprehend the meaning behind those words. The only thing you could focus on however, was the name etched in your skin. His name. Loki.

Your thoughts were interrupted when the Allfather spoke up again "Send guards to Svartálfheimr and retrieve my sons! Bring the Aether back if it's still there!"

His sons?

It was at that moment. Realisation hit you like a bus. You were in Asgard and this man before you had to be Odin then. Your brows furrowed. Why were you here? How did you get here?

"Come. You must have many questions." The king said as you got up and followed him "I am Odin of Asgard. Tell me child what is your name?" "M-my name is (Y/n) (L/n). How-how did I get here?" you stuttered as you looked around still walking. "I gave orders to bring you here" He replied casually.

■ ■ ■

The Jotun prince laid on the ground panting as his brother cradled him in his strong arms "No. No, no, no. Oh, you fool, you didn't listen." "I know." Loki spoke, his voice quiet and weak "I'm a fool. I'm a fool." he gasped in pain. "Stay with me, okay?" The god of thunder spoke close to tears as he pat the other's face to keep him conscious. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" the young god apologized gasping for air but he was quickly shushed by his brother "shhh...it's okay" Thor nodded as tears welled up in his blue eyes. "It's all right. I'll tell father what you did here today" He spoke again the tears now making their way down his cheeks. "I didn't do it for him" The raven haired spoke calmly. As he took his dying breath he spoke his last words "Tell them, I didn't want to be a monster" Just like that the god closed his eyes and went limp in his brother's arms. "NOOO!" Thor shouted in pain and hugged Loki. "I will find them and tell them in your stead brother" He whispered into the other's ear before he let go and left with Jane. Loki's limp body was left in the sand and dirt.

■ ■ ■

"I take it, you know who your soulmate is, judging by your reaction. It must certainly be hard to carry all the lies of the god of mischief and lies" Odin raised his eyebrow. "I have heard quite a few stories about him indeed." You replied taking a sip of your tea. You were seated in the throne room across from Odin as he tried to answer some of your questions.

In the middle of your conversation a guard entered and as soon as he spoke up you felt a burning and tingling just underneath your chest.

"Forgive me my liege. I've returned from the Dark World with news. " The guard spoke.

"Thor?" Odin asked with hope. The guard dropped his head a bit at that "There was no sign of Thor or the weapon, but..." As soon as the man spoke up again the tingling began once again in the same place as before. "What?" the Allfather asked.

The tingles continued "We found a body."

Silence filled the air for a moment before Odin spoke "Loki"

The guard just looked at his king with sad eyes. The burning had stopped. "Thank you. Bring this one..." The old king pointed at you "...to Heimdall. Tell him to return them to Midgard. Then you may be dismissed for the day."

Your chin dropped as the guard nodded and turned to you. Oh now you were definitely not going to tell the god that Loki was alive and lying. He grabbed you roughly and brought you out of the throne room and to another room, the room you had woken up in. "Gather your belongings mortal before you return to Midgard." Midgard? Was that what they called earth. As the guard was about to close the door you shouted after him "Mister guard man! Wait!" He raised an eyebrow at you, seemingly amused, but he waited for you to speak nonetheless and so you did "Loki can't be dead." He stared at you confused "Well he is."

Another tingle. This time on your finger, but you ignored it for now seeing as you were focused on the conversation you were having "No. I don't think you understand. I-I know he is alive. I can feel it." A small smile was placed on your lips as the man before you began to laugh, he seemed curious though "And how would a little mortal like you know that? Oh you feel it, of course"

"I-I don't know how I know" That was a lie for you did know why and how "I just know." You finished, he seemed distracted though. While the guard was distracted you took a moment to look at the side of your pinkie finger. "No." You mumbled when you realized the man before you was your soulmate, disguised as a guard. "What?" The man asked. "Nothing" you lied, a small smile on your lips. You were scared yes, but he wouldn't hurt his own soulmate, now would he? "Would you please come in and close the door Loki?~" You asked innocently.

His eyes went wide, confused as to how a simple human like you could look through his disguise with such ease. So he complied. He didn't really have a choice now. As he closed the door, he dissolved his disguise. Green smoke surrounded the man as Loki the trickster god stood before you now. He was stunning. Yes there was a deep hatred for this man inside you, but he did something good today and you hadn't met him before. Well not personally, you had however seen him on TV as he tried to take over the world, you had heard he was under some kind of mind control though. "You are a curious little thing, aren't you?" Loki spoke as he approached you "Who are you and how did you know it was me mortal?"

You grinned "I'm no one important to you" Your smile widened as you noticed him being distracted again. You watched in awe as your statement appeared on the back of his hand.

The black haired god stared at you in disbelief "No...no no no no. How? That's not possible" Before you realized what was happening he was already too close for comfort. He grabbed one of your arms and shoved up your sleeves. Perhaps your senses have weakened after your many years of service. Disbelief filled Loki's eyes as they pierced your own gaze. He let go of your hand as some kind of hatred but also hope filled his eyes "You hate me. You think I'm a monster." He spoke with clenched teeth. He was trying to compose himself, to seem calm, but you easily looked through his disguise. "I do not" You replied, your (e/c) eyes were soft as you looked at him. He stood there, waiting for the tingling and burning somewhere on his pale body. But the feeling never came. You had been truthful. "I know better than to lie to my soulmate." The words escaped your throat before you could even think. "Why did you say it then?!" The god growled. "Said wha-" The mischievous man cut you off "My soulmate could never possibly be a bad person" he quoted your lie "what changed?"

"I-I" you were speechless "I said that, knowing that anyone could be my soulmate, I tried to convince myself to see things positively. I did not know it would affect you as it was about soulmates in general. I am sorry for causing you pain Loki"

"So you don't think I'm a bad person?" he asked, turning your words around "I do know of the bad things you did. You tried to take over my home. I cannot confirm that you are a completely bad person though. I-I don't know you well enough to judge. For I try to build my opinion when I get to know people myself, even if this person is the prince of lies. Besides, you can't be too bad if you are my soulmate, at least not towards me" You grinned, reaching out your hand for him to shake "I'm (Y/n) by the way."

Loki looked at your hand, a smirk on his lips as he held your hand in his and brought it up to his lips to press a small kiss against the back of it. His eyes never leaving yours as a blush took over your features "It is a pleasure to meet you (Y/n). My name is Loki and I do not think I'll send you off to Midgard just yet, if ever..." The last two words were not meant for you to hear but you did. "Before we get to know each other better my soulmate~" he smirked "I have to take care of my father and brother." He turned around and walked towards the door "You stay here for now" the man winked at you before he turned himself into the guard again and left the room.

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