#wishiwashi recovery

[system-of-a-feather]

Alternative System Mind Mapping Method for Communication

[DISCLAIMER: This is not a professional or scientifically or anything really backed method, this is something coming solely from peer / personal experience.]

In regards to an anon ask earlier, I was thinking about it and one of the ways we've approached improving communication - particularly internal - in a way that is a lot less prone to flooding or dealing with trauma or anything too overwhelming - is by approaching it following the concept of Memory Webs

I haven't read up on them recently, but "Memory Webs" were a thing that our AP Psychology teacher in highschool made us do because the AP Psych test was term / jargon heavy. Memory in the human brain has been shown to be HEAVILY associative and the ability to remember and connect things tends to rely on following a "web" of connected topics, ideas, concepts etc from one idea to the next.

So in our AP Psych class, she gave us these GIANT books for Vocabulary Webs that we had to slowly work on, each of which required 6 other vocab words / related concepts, a summarized definition, and an image to represent it. By doing this, you added 6 cues to recall the word (increasing the chance you'd remember it), a visual cue, an episodic memory of working on it, and a definition - all in all improving how connected the word is to other concepts in your brain and making it easier to recall it.

I personally like to look at DID and our parts in a similar manner sometimes where the large issue is that a lot of the nodes in the web of associations are either disconnected or connected through a hard-to-find and/or small chain. In that sense, parts struggle to be held together because they are not associated concepts. It's hard to reach other parts because the dissociative walls (which in our unsubstantiated opinion is less a 'wall' and more so a lack of reinforced neural connections, so I would call them dissociative caverns) keep associations from forming

As a result, alternative to more traditional ways of mapping your system and parts, a method I've liked to internally visualize systems and navigating system dynamics is through a memory web manner. (I actually have never done it physically cause the Ray part of my brain - also the most prominent part writing this rn - rarely liked to front if he didn't have to and did a lot of stuff internally)

Here's a bit of a breakdown using six of our parts if any of you want to try it out.

We personally like it because it strips a lot of trauma and stress off of it and makes it a lot more of a positive and present engaging activity. For the purposes of this, I'll be using the free online app of Milanote cause we've used it before for OC associative webs and I think it'll do fine enough. (Honestly it actually might just be a good way to log alter information now that I'm looking at it if you are at a place in recovery where keeping track of that physically helpful)

So we can start by dropping down the parts we want to include in the form of boards

So from here, we have a bunch of disconnected parts. However, we find that a lot of these parts have things that mean a lot to them, that illicit a strong emotion or reaction from them.

Some parts may lack it more than others (often in our case trauma holders and/or trauma locked parts) and that's okay and to be expected. This is a visualization method and if there isn't much connecting a part that is 100% okay.

For demonstration sake, I will now add bubbles around each part of things that were pretty early apparent that each individual liked.

Also for the purposes of how I know our system works and how I plan to do this, I am actually moving Riku to the center and you will all see why Riku is such an S tier center point with this model

So you can see some connections forming.

Some key things you can take from this visual that also applied to earlier stags of how we connected

Lucille and Riku are and have always been pretty darn connected, they go back as one of the longest duos and were split almost as a pair to deal with academics

Chunn and Ray have a very shared interest of "I don't want to do anything leave me alone"

XIV literally was just a piece of shit early on and didn't have any immediate HARD connections with anyone largely because he never was interested in actually engaging in things he liked in a positive way as his "favorite emotion" at the time was "being pissed off"

Lin - an originally trauma stuck / loop - is very very poorly associated with anything that isn't overtly trauma related (and that is saying something cause Vocaloid is trauma related) and thus has very few connections to other parts

So looking at this though, there are a few things that have some similarities between parts. What you can do is make plans to try to foster the interests that you do have and try to generalize it a bit more to also encompass what interests other parts have. So lets engage in hobbies a little more - explore a few concepts that mean a lot to parts independently - and find some more generalized version of those hobbies

(forgot to add easy listening to Ray's and "only wearing monochrome*" to XIV's earlier) (*there are a lot of nuances and caveats)

Damn, look at that. It's messy and ugly to have in a 2D form. I absolutely hate it, this would be so impossible with our whole system. But HEY, it's very connected - and that's the goal.

Compared to the previous one, you can see how easily it can be for one part's interests to start to drift into another. Because they are largely and strongly associated features to each part, they are a lot more accessible when engaging in their shared / associated connections and interests which makes it easier for the them to stay together near the front, stay associated with one another, and work with and communicate with one another.

Of course anyone following this blog goes "Where tf is Birds" and that I left out because it would ruin the point of the web as it actually is one of our traditional "you are around the system a lot? okay pick a bird" which serves to 1) be a fun system culture thing 2) be a means of welcoming a part in and 3) helps establish a foundational connection; we do the same with music but with music its a lot more elaborate and I probably wont explain it for other reasons.

But overtime, by fostering interests that were already present and encouraging parts to broaden and generalize their specific interest a bit, you end up with a lot of overlapping associations that can greatly improve internal communication, co-fronting ability, and just general fluidity and easy of moving around the brain web.

It becomes a good way of trying to figure out what you can do to encourage and help build connections and associations between parts by seeing where things are similar / could have more overlap (combat and martial arts, different types of fashion, different types of music, different appreciation for arts, taking over the world, yada yada yada)

And you wanna know the coolest thing? When you step back from the whole web you can see certain things appear that stand out the most and have some of the most connections.

If you ever intend to go to Final Fusion, those are the things that will likely be the most prominent traits of your whole self

For us? [REDACTED BIRDS for the point of the demonstration], Music, Fashion, Taking over the World, Recovery and Healing, Buddhism, Martial Arts, Arts in general - they're all some of our largest traits that persist in almost all forms as individual parts, partially fused parts, and fully fused parts.

And the BEST part? Doing this didn't require us to touch trauma at all.

Of course in recovery that will come up cause PTSD doesn't ask permission, but its a very low stress way to help improve internal communication and engagement with one another.

[reimeichan]

you mentioned that you related to the wishiwashi recovery goal for DID, do you know what that’d look like for you?

Not quite yet in all honesty! Our recovery has hit a few bumpy snags and honestly what our "system end goal" may look like feels so far away that everything is a vague *gestures around aimlessly* vibe right now.

I think ideally, it'll look something along the lines of "stop caring too hard if we're fused or separate", "not putting too much stock into which alter(s) is/are fronting", "the parts never go away but instead they're more in sync and working together seamlessly". Something like that! And a lot of our fusions have felt to be something along those lines already; the different parts of a fusion still exist, but because all the thoughts and memories and experiences are shared between the different parts and their thoughts and emotions and opinions are aligned with each other that they end up acting as a single unit anyways.

Also huuuuuge shoutout to @system-of-a-feather for making the original Wishiwashi analogy! They're super cool and honestly I hope more people start thinking outside the box of what "recovery" may look like for them!

[system-of-a-feather]

RIP Sorry more syscourse on this blog cause I like this user and know they're in good faith and good to chatter about things with + we are pro-endo who used to be anti-endo so maybe we will be a good person to explain our change in view and opinion

Largely, the most important thing that underlies this, is that we came to the realization that

Experiencing yourself as multiple parts / individuals / selves is not really that special or unique or sacred of a thing and it doesn't need to be protected or have a "correct" presentation or source on it's own. Much like any and all human experiences, all honest experiences are inherently true and the only question is how one chooses to communicate and express that. There is no need to question of someone has trauma or not, their opinion on their trauma, if their trauma should be qualified as the cause or not, or really any questions surrounding the origin or validity of someone expressing their experiences because heres the thing - if they experience something, that experience is inherently real; it is not inherently clinical and the way that the experience should be handled might be different than someone with a similar yet different experience, but people are allowed to express and present themselves in whatever way feels right and as long as they aren't hurting anyone. I see no harm in letting people use words for their experiences and I think "plural" is a good catch all term for all forms of experiencing yourself as a multiple.

As someone at functional multiplicity / final fusion / wishiwashi recovery, I actually choose regularly whether or not I want to be one person or many because most of the time, our dissociative barriers are so low that it is more so a choice of how I wish to engage with myself and present myself than it is a clinically forced thing. In that sense I am "technically a singlet" who is "choosing to sometimes be multiple people", and in that sense, I think it would be hypocritical for me to say that I - someone who sometimes is just one person - am allowed to choose to present as my individual and isolated parts because that is good for me and very healing / helpful for me at this point but ALSO say that a person without DID / traditionally diagnosed DID who can do something similar for whatever reason is not allowed to.

I am of the firm belief that identity and self concepts are honestly kind of bullshit in the first place and the demand to have a single consistent identity is an individualist myth and the best way to live is to just be; and if that way of "just being" is as multiple people, then cool, love that for you

Additionally there is the fact that plural doesn't inherently mean DID and people who identify as endo/mixed origin/whatever don't necessarily claim to have DID just as some people with DID don't identify as being plural or even a system.

In that sense, I think it is important to be pro-endo solely to be inclusive to all ethnic and religious backgrounds. There are a number of spiritualities and cultures support / engage in experiences that could be considered "plural" and I feel to say none of them are true because of the DSM / ICD / Theory of Structural Dissociation / etc is very.... uncomfortable as a POC and a Buddhist (because Buddhism can be interpreted in a way that supports plurality too - just not in the way "tulpa"mancers talk about it)

ADDITIONALLY, and I might have already made a post on this, but the Theory of Structural Dissociation is not a theory, it's a model. It's not meant to predict anything and its not meant to be making claims about how the brain ALWAYS works. Its a clinical model meant to address clinical treatment and as a means to understand and visualize and try to navigate DID. The very basis of claiming DID has to be caused by trauma by a specific age is largely speculative based on inconclusive research. It is fair to say most are documented with trauma, but research is - in fact - limited on DID and the number of interactions that childhood trauma, dissociation, and various situations like neurodevelopmental disorders, internet usage in relation to age, social aspects, etc can affect the development and formation of identity.

On top of that as well, most memory researchers can't agree on what "forgetting" is, no one can really define what the hell a "dissociative barrier is", there is no known location in the brain responsible for "identity" or "consciousness" last I checked, and the actual hard science of how the brain works on a neurological and physical level is almost completely unfounded when it comes to researching DID from what I am aware of. Until we can agree on what forgetting is, amnesia is, dissociation is, dissociative amnesia is, identity is, consciousness is, and the exact mechanisms on a neurological level that DID operates on, then I don't think we can come anywhere close to saying we know that DID absolutely has to have trauma.

Lastly, the endogenic community can have A LOT of miss information and issues and yada yada. There are some HUGE bad apples in there and I also don't intend to engage in the community, I actually largely avoid engaging within the community; but the difference is that I also don't really mind someone who IS endogenic interacting with me.

I completely respect and understand DNIs especially related to past trauma and hurt done so this isn't meant to shame those that have that DNI for personal reasons relating to self care, but if someone is to agree the above but ALSO still assume all endos are bad and inherently doing harm and hurting by existing because SOME endos are bad (some really bad), then thats kinda... fucked.

I personally dislike the parallels that get brought up in DNI discourse about this relating it to "POC DNI" or "Queer / LGBT DNI" because it lacks a lot of context and history that are behind segregation, the rhetoric surrounding those sorts of ideas, and what not - but there is a decent bit of truth in it. If you generalize and stigmatize an entire group off of just a label that they use, it's kinda fucked up.

With that all said, I think its honestly ridiculous and kind of bigoted to be anti-endo both in "endos are bad" and "endos don't exist" manner.

I guess "anti-endo community" I GUESS is ok, but at that point I don't know why someone needs to care so much about a community when they should just leave, block and go on with their life.

I think at that point if you don't like something, don't read and curate your life appropriately, don't just bud into a community you don't like and tell them you don't like them. It comes off as kind of childish because not everything on the internet needs to exist for or about you and not every opinion needs to be shared so like, while I GUESS its fair to be "anti-endo community", I kind of just have to wonder why you care so much about what some people on the internet are doing in a community you don't want to engage in and be a part of. I feel there are better things to do online than be "anti-endo community" cause if the community is that bad, why are you engaging with it like... idk man, I don't get it but thats my unrelated two cents.

I'm sorry to bring syscourse randomly, it's just been on my mind a lot again.

I want to hear out the pro endogenic side of things, I genuinely really do, and I believe on some level that yes people can experience different forms of 'plurality' in different ways, but when endogenic systems say things like "our system formed due to stress!" or "our system formed due to loneliness" all I hear is "my system formed due to trauma"

And at the same time, there will be endogenic systems who also have DID/OSDD? And that's very confusing to me and I don't get it.

And then I will see "here are things that can cause an ENDO system" and then it lists. Abuse. And other traumatic things that cause DID/OSDD.

And then "mixed origins" is just how DID/OSDD works for a lot of people.

I want to understand, I am always open-minded to this stuff and I've been trying to understand, but I just don't?

Can someone please explain, because I just don't get any of this stuff. I feel this pressure to just be pro-endo and it's really itching away at me, I've tried so hard to understand the pro-endo sides and I just don't because it always ties back to the fact that DID/OSDD is different to endogenic plural experiences and endogenic spaces are ripe full of ableism towards people with DID/OSDD, misinformation about DID/OSDD, and things that, to me, just read as someone whose system clearly did form due to trauma (because they will say something like "our system formed due to stress" news flash: that's traumatizing)

This post is not meant to be malicious at all, I am genuinely trying to understand and figure out why I SHOULD be pro-endo, but I don't, I want to understand, if somebody could Please explain and try to help me understand this, I'd love that? I'd love to know why people are pro-endo and why anti-endos are starting to become pro-endo

For me, I am "pro-endo" in a sense that well. I'll link my other post I made on my other blog which sums up my feelings, but I'm also "anti-endo" in that I would rather avoid endogenic spaces because SOOOO much of these spaces are only FILLED to the brim with ableism and misinformation and a gross misunderstanding of DID/OSDD, and not to mention the way they treat people with DID/OSDD, as if we are not allowed to be people, we are not allowed to be proud, despite our trauma. I think there are ways for endogenic spaces to exist without perpetuating misinformation and ableism, but I just have yet to see it. And far too many people have been harmed by endogenic spaces, including at least one close friend of mine, and I have read about plenty of other peoples' experiences, on both "sides" of this shit

And I also recognize that these issues also exist within spaces outside of endogenic plurality, but I see it so much within endogenic spaces that I would really rather Not interact with those spaces.

I mostly don't understand why people claim to be endogenic in some way, ""mixed origins"" or whatever, but still say they have DID/OSDD, I don't get it. I understand wanting labels for things, but I personally don't understand how you can have DID/OSDD, but at the same time, claim your system isn't caused by trauma.

That post on my other account still holds true btw, those are my feelings through and through, my opinions on endogenic plurality have not changed, I've just decided to talk about it, I guess. I really want to hear people out, I genuinely want to understand, so if anyone is willing to talk about these topics with nuance and not screaming and yelling and harassment and shit, I'd appreciate that ig

I don't want to call myself anti-endo because I don't want to be associated with the anti-endos who fake-claim, harass others, send death threats, think endos are "faking" or some shit, that is not me, and I don't wanna be associated with those types of people

Btw I've already tried searching for explanations and none of them make sense, are misinformed, perpetuate ableism, and/or don't make sense and don't change my opinions that I already have. That's why I'm reaching out here finally. Because I have already tried to do digging myself and have only come out with the same opinions as I have always had

(Tagging endo tags for reach)

[pokehaviors]

I was reading through my Pokedex recently and realized that it has been updated to show that Lapras have ceased to be endangered! It's great news, and I got curious about the conservation efforts that were in place to make it happen. Do you have any input on this?

The recent recovery of the wild Lapras population is a real success story in conservationist circles, and one that’s gotten a lot of media attention! I’ll go back through my files and recount what I can find and what I can remember from the effort.

The movement for preservation and protection of wild Lapras pods started primarily in Alola- which has a high number of pods, and is very environmentally-minded as a region- and Kalos, after the establishment of the Ambrette Aquarium. A while back I mentioned Beanie, the smallest recorded Lapras? She was hatched as part of the repopulation efforts at Ambrette!

The effort evolved a lot over the decades it’s been in effect. It started as a rally to mark Lapras as a protected species in Kanto (where its overhunting was the most prevalent), which spiralled out to similar movements in many other regions. Getting the motion passed was apparently the most difficult in the Indigo League (aka, Kanto and Johto), as they shared the most widespread market for Lapras meat and ivory.

After the bill was passed, several aquariums and aquatic research stations devoted a great deal of time and effort into breeding Lapras to be released into the wild, which was thankfully a great success! A few decades of cracking down on poachers, protecting nesting beaches, and hatching eggs later, and Lapras pods are back to their expected strength and population in most region’s seas.

However, this population boom isn’t always beneficial. Some oceans in Alola are actually suffering from overabundance of Lapras, leading to a dip in population of wild Wishiwashi and Magikarp schools. A movement to de-protect the species is starting to spark up in those areas, but it’s currently a bit of an uphill battle, as the Lapras conservation efforts were so popularized in their times that people think they’ll immediately become endangered once more if humans are allowed to hunt them again. It’s a good reminder that we’re part of the world’s natural balance, and too much of anything isn’t good- even with a lovely Pokémon like Lapras.

[goodkippers-blog]

Wishiwashi: The Tiniest Titan

What’s going on world?!?  Today I have and analysis and sets for one of the most wimpy/terrifying pokemon to grace sun and moon, WIshiwashi!  So without further ado, let’s jump right in!

Wishiwashi is a mono Water type pokemon, which by itself is quite good, having resistances to fire, water, ice, and steel, while only being weak to grass and electric.  Honestly there’s not much else to say: water is a common type, but it’s nonetheless good both offensively and defensively.  As a change of pace, I’m gonna be showing you both the stats AND ability this time around as they both go hand in hand, so on that note let’s see how strong Wishiwashi really is!

Solo Form: 45hp/20att/20def/25spatt/25spdef/40spe

School Form: 45hp/140att/130def/140spatt/135spdef/30spe

Ability: Schooling: When this pokemon has more than 25% hp, it will turn into its Schooling form, and if it is less than 25% it will turn into its Solo form (this ability activates at level 20 or above).

Sun and Moon Introduces many weird pokemon, but Wishiwashi is an oddball even in this gen!  It’s simultaneously the weakest and one of the strongest pokemon ever, with it’s Solo form being jealous of Sunkern and its Schooling form rivaling some legendaries and megas stat-wise.  Sporting ridiculous 140 in both attacking stats and equally impressive 130 def and 135 spdef, Wishiwashi can dish out heavy damage while taking a beating, despite its low base hp, and while it’s painfully slow it can usually survive many hits so it doesn’t need to be fast.  However, bear in mind that once Wishiwashi is at low health, it’ll revert back to its Solo form and basically be a sitting duck, so keeping it in Schooling form as long as possible is the key to using this beast.  On the plus side Wishiwashi will revert to it’s Schooling form if it’s able to get back above 25% hp, so while difficult it is possible to bring Wishiwashi back from the brink.  With all that in mind, I have a couple sets for you guys that I think Wishiwashi is able to use quite well, so let’s take a look!

School’s in Session kids!

248hp/8att/252spatt; Quiet nature

Item: Figy Berry/Assault Vest/Expert Belt

-Hydro Pump

-Ice Beam

-Earthquake

-Protect/Endevor/Hidden Power Fighting, Grass, Electric

I think this is one of Wishiwashi’s best sets, and I’ve been using to it great effect in the Battle Tree (btw if anyone would like a guide on the Battle Tree I’d be more than happy to make one!).  The spatt EVs are there to let Wishiwashi to heavy special damage (over 210 w/ a +spatt nature at level 50!!), and the hp Evs are there for bulk (also puts the hp at a nice number to take less damage from stealh rock).  The attack EVs are there to captialize on Wishiwashi’s impressive mixed offenses and puts Wishiwashi’s attack at an impressive 161 with minimal investment. Hydro Pump is the stab of choice, as it absolutely shreds anything that doesn’t have Water Absorb or Storm Drain, and does a good deal of damage to things that even resist it.  Ice beam is there for coverage and heavily damages many grass types among other things.  Earthquake is there for coverage and does good damage to special walls that might otherwise give Wishiwashi a hard time.  The last move is of personal preference: I personally pick protect as it allows Wishiwashi to potentially stall a little and to scout as well, Endevor can be a deadly option but has to be played carefully and is usually not worth the move slot as Wishiwashi will most likely be in Solo form when it would be most effective.  Hidden power is also an option if you want a little more coverage.  The item of choice is a Figy Berry, and specifically that berry: it’s one of those berries that will confuse the user if they do not like the taste, which is actually based on a pokemon’s nature, and in the case of a Quiet nature the Figy berry will not cause confusion and restore half of user’s hp, which is much better than the Sitrus Berry’s 25% hp restoration.  This improves Wishiwashi’s longevity, letting it fire off more powerful attacks.  If that’s not a concern, Assault vest can be used provided you’re not running Protect, and an Expert Belt can be used to boost the power of your super effective moves.

This Class is Dragging On...

252hp/252spdef/4spatt: Calm or Sassy Nature

Item: Leftovers, Lum Berry

-Scald

-Aqua Ring

-Protect/Toxic

-Ice beam/Earthquake/Toxic

This is more of an experimental set, but it does have the potential to last quite a while.  Max hp and spdef allow Wishiwashi to be very specially bulky, allowing to take even super effective hits pretty well.  Scald is the stab of choice as it does respectable damage and has a chance of burn, improving Wishiwashi’s already great defense.  Aqua ring is the next move, and with Leftovers gives a fair amount of recovery each turn.  The next move goes to Protect, as it helps to stall, scout, and recover lost hp, although toxic can be used for things that would be immune to burn.  The last slot goes to a coverage move so Wishiwashi isn’t completely walled by things that resist Water, although Toxic could be used if that is not a concern.  As this set doesn’t like to have status, a cleric is recommended to keep Wishiwashi alive longer, but a Lum berry can be used to somewhat solve this issue although Leftovers is the better option.

While Wishiwashi is a very good pokemon that’ll severely dent nearly everything and tank hits, it’s by no means perfect.  Although it’s defenses are quite high, it’s hp leaves a bit to be desired (it doesn’t even break 300 with max investment) so it’s not AS bulky as it appears, although it’s still quite bulky.  It’s also quite slow, which normally is not a problem but against something that’s gained a lot of boosts it won’t be able to do much, so sweepers should be dealt with before sending in this tank.  Another big drawback is its movepool: although Wishiwahsi looks like it could dive to the deepest depths, its movepool is SHALLOW: I can honestly say what I’ve listed hear are its best options (it doesn’t even get a boosting move), which are usually enough but can be countered.  Mantine and Rotom-W in particular can give WishiWashi issues as they either resist or are immune to many of Wishiwashi’s attacks and can proceed to either stall or heavily damage Wishiwashi.  Nonetheless, many pokemon will not want to take hits from Wishiwashi as it’s VERY powerful (especially if you run Choice Specs).  Wishiwashi is a very strong pokemon both offensively and defensively, and everyone should have a plan to deal with it as it can pulverize many unprepared teams.  I’m the Alolan Mudkip, and I hope you enjoyed reading this little post and maybe even learned a thing or two!  As always I’ll take requests for any pokemon you want me to praise/shame, and I’ll catch y’all next time!

[deliveryboi]

continued from X with @tender--age--in--plume​

     As usual, there was that slight prickle of electricity as he touched her hand. Though by now they’d become somewhat familiar with touching each other, it remained at least in Plumeria’s mind a rare sort of treat, something to be cherished and banked in her memory for future times of need, like … ice cream on a hot day, a hot bath after being out in a storm …      Oh–she was drifting. Taking a slow, shallow breath, she turned to look at him with a softness that the mask couldn’t fully conceal. Then again, that was hardly anything new for them. He had a way of bringing out the parts of her she tried to keep in the way-down-deep.      “I’m–” Taco. It successfully broke her dreamlike state and she abruptly snorted a laugh, taking it from him and giving him a purposefully sultry look just before taking a very ungraceful bite. It was an artisanal taco, piled high with thinly sliced Wishiwashi and fresh herbs, and yet she couldn’t help but feel that they were a distinctly undignified choice for such an event.      She loved it.      “I’m havin’ a ball, Hyde,” she replied once she’d swallowed, waggling her brows at him before she realized he wouldn’t be able to tell–the goofy grin would have to suffice.      More seriously (by a modicum): “Hey… I know it’s a little cheesy, but–you like dance with me? For real, not just in your livin’ room?”

that soft warm smile she earned with her look went a little sideways as she shifted to a bit more sultry and then... that bite.  ahhh... all dressed up and still as wonderful as ever.  he rumbled a chuckle of amusement, picking up his own and following suit.  they weren’t bad at all... just far more dressed up than they had to be, just like everyone else here.

he nearly choked as she popped off the pun.

recovery came at the cost of a cough and a little dabble of the sauce escaping from his bite despite his best efforts, a gloved hand raising to-- oop, no, not with the glove.... or sleeve you undignified heathen.  with a flick of his tongue, his attention was back on her, the heel of his hand wiping off the rest of his exposed face.  absolutely terrible.  he managed a smile anyways.

Ah... she beat him to it.  at the question, his smile only grew, parting his lips as he set the empty plate down on the nearest table.  “You know how much I love cheese.”  He turned to face her, an arm behind his back, the other out stretched to her, ready to hit the dance floor.  time to put up or shut up.  let’s see how well that practice would pay off.

[system-of-a-feather]

Possibly a hot take but once you get to the point of final fusion / functional multiplicity and you've been in it for a while and that becomes your normal, you REALLY begin to realize that they're really the exact same thing but with different perspectives and preferred language used

And like that means A LOT to some people and thats 1000% valid and the perspective and language can wildly change the experience and how individuals approach it themselves

And just to make it clear for those that tend to read the worst in posts, I'm NOT saying this to be like "oh all functional multiplicity is is really just final fusion and functional multiplicity doesn't exist" or "final fusion is really just functional multiplicity in denial" because that isn't what I'm saying. I am NOT saying one is the only real one and the other is just The Real One But Wrapped Differently.

What I am saying is that the difference of whether I am "at final fusion" or "at functional multiplicity" is a lot less of a wide gap of "two opposite recovery goals" and a lot more of a handwave at which connotation and set of implications on how we relate to ourselves seems more applicable to our identity at the moment.

The difference between them a lot less of a cavern and a lot more like sand in an hourglass and throughout the day I'll identify more with final fusion one hour and functional multiplicity the next and really NOTHING changed in my system. No one split or anything, I just perceived myself in a different angle.

Like at this point, from my perspective in late stage recovery of DID, I personally see it as extremely nonsensical and needless for me to try to say which one I'm at because they are literally just different sides of the same coin. If I'm holding a penny, I often just say I'm holding a penny and saying "I'm holding a penny with the head side up" is only really important when I'm flipping the coin or trying to describe it to someone with visual impairments. As long as there is no real purpose for me to specify, its all the same to me

And of course, I remember NOT being in late stage DID recovery and what not so I absolutely understand the importance and value of both labels and the distinction and I absolutely support them being discussed as separate things because I do think it serves as a good and simplified framework to help people understand the different ways recovery and healing can work for individuals with DID and start thinking about what recovery and healing might mean for them. They're both REALLY good templates and if one is adversive to someone, the other is probably less adversive. Either way, they're both very good starting points on building your idea of recovery.

That's all just to say whenever I see people talking about Final Fusion VS Functional Multiplicity, I just scratch my head as someone who is at both and has been at both for something approaching a year I think now.

Anyways if anyone wants to ask anything on either and/or both final fusion and functional multiplicity or just general late stage DID recovery, feel free to send an ask. I'd love to chat about it, I just am honestly so unbothered by having DID at this point that I am never really prompted or inspired to write about it much anymore.

[system-of-a-feather]

[system-of-a-feather]

Are you still accepting asks about late stage DID recovery? I (host of a DID system in more early to mid stage recovery) have some questions about it, if you're comfortable answering (some of them might be too personal and I understand that).

What is communication like when you're Fei? Like, can you still feel and talk to yourselves as distinct? For example say one of you gets anxious about something, can you pinpoint "this is who is feeling anxious" and talk to them to reassure them, or does it feel like ALL of you are anxious and it's just everybody's feeling all at once, and talking to them feels like self-talk?

Do any of you (especially those who have tended to be more different from the rest of the system) feel like you've lost any of yourself and the things that make you you, when you're fused?

Especially regarding #1, do you know how your experience compares to people who say they've reached final fusion? Like other than it being temporary, is there anything that makes it distinct? And same question for functional multiplicity I guess.

Do you/any of you ever get scared/worried about the possibility of someday not being able to separate or even not being able to identify yourselves as separate consciousnesses? And if no, is that because you don't see that as possible for you, because even if it did happen it wouldn't scare you, or both?

There are a couple of vloggers with DID whose content we've been watching since pretty early into our diagnosis because it was comforting to us to see systems who could put words to things we had experienced and show us that things might not always be as hard as they were in those early days of system awareness. But one of them has just unexpectedly had her whole entire system fuse together in the span of like 2 months, despite that she wasn't aiming for final fusion (she didn't have a specific goal picked out as far as that)... and the other is coming back from hiatus and shared that they had a fusion that none of the system, including BOTH the alters who fused together, had wanted. And hearing those things freaked us out.

We're just now at a point of feeling like most of us know who we are, most of us can trust that the rest of the system has each other's backs, that kind of thing. For many of us, we can love ourselves as a whole (the way we exist right now though, a fragmented whole) and as individual consciousnesses, and we love each other like family.

But every single aspect of who we are as "people," how we function in the world together as a "whole person," how we communicate and relate to one another... every single thing about it would change if we fused, you know? I know people say that you don't lose anything or anyone when a fusion happens, but the fact is, no one involved in the fusion exists in the same way they used to anymore after it happens. (Or so my understanding of it is.) And that's a very scary and painful thing to think about for us right now.

I feel like 90% of the time, our communication and teamwork goes so smoothly. I wouldn't say we're close to functional multiplicity, because there are still a number of us who have little to no communication with each other (and I know I'm still not even aware of everyone in the system), but we're finally at a point of feeling stronger together, caring about each other, most of us trusting each other to have our backs, and that kind of thing. And hearing other systems talk about unexpected -- and especially unwanted -- fusions, well... yeah. That scares me.

If we ever reach a point where fusion feels natural and like something we want, we're trying to stay open to the idea of that and we think we'd accept it at that point. But we absolutely would want it to be something that we got to choose, and that happened because we wanted it to happen. You know? The idea that if we process through our trauma and keep working together well, that one day we might just... fuse without wanting to or deciding to... it freaks me out.

Thank you for bearing with this long message lol.

Ayeee Im gonna reply as I read this (I skimmed the first half and decided Id just write as I read); so keep that in context when reading my reply.

What is communication like when you're Fei?

So we actually went on a small tangent below the cut in this post about it cause we were thinking about it as Fei and found it interesting when we paid more attention to how we communicate. But generally when we are Fei we just kinda don't *need* to explicitly communicate or rather, in other terms, focus on paying attention to the communication we are having internally. A lot of it happens smoothly and fast to where a lot of the time it just kinda floats in our head quietly and passes through while we are acting and thus we don't always fully actively attend to the back and forth. As a result, if we aren't meaning to pay attention to it, it often gets kind of "brushed over" in how we internally interpret the communication to be kind of summarized in a more singular identity than specifically paying attention to which part is saying what.

The underlying conversation between parts is still there and if I reflect back and focus more into what was going on in my head, I can absolutely identify the individual parts and the interactions and even BE the individual parts, but usually - when I'm not intentionally looking closely at my thoughts - it's just "Oh I don't want to do that, but you know, I DO want to do that and I could do it better if I was in more of a [part] headspace so I'll let that part win over and so now I do want to do that" when underneath it there was a lot of banter between the "dominant" part at the time (in the post above, Riku) and the other part that would be better to have (in the post above, Chunn). It's only when I actively double took my own thoughts did I go "hey wait a minute that was a funny banter"

Like, can you still feel and talk to yourselves as distinct?

Yeah sometimes. A lot of the time unless something particularly comes up or sparks the interest of a specific part, usually we just kind of exist as a whole, but the second anything interesting comes up, parts tend to rear their head and blabber like they want. It doesn't usually feel as intensely like a whole separate part necessarily, but the distinction is pretty clear even then and its kinda funny as Fei sometimes cause I'm like "Lol [part brain] and [other part brain] are bantering". It's kinda like having mixed feelings I think but with a lot more respect to the complexities, identities, and histories that back the sources of those mixed feelings. I can hear and watch and feel and talk with the parts of myself that generate the mixed feelings and even see and visualize them without them Not Being Me. I am Chunn, I am Riku, I am XIV, I am Ray, I am all of them all at once but also at the same time, I could very easily just choose to be just one of them if I wanted because in the end, they're all me.

For example say one of you gets anxious about something, can you pinpoint "this is who is feeling anxious" and talk to them to reassure them, or does it feel like ALL of you are anxious and it's just everybody's feeling all at once, and talking to them feels like self-talk?

Yes to both. It's kind of hard to explain how it is Both, but firstly, absolutely we almost always can tell which part is feeling anxious as a whole and usually other parts do step in to help lessen their anxiety and help them soothe and talk through it 100%. If I didn't have that I would loose my mind and that is unironically coming from all of our parts. At this point basically everyone in our system is so deeply supportive and looking out for one another and it's really the only way a lot of us have been able to find any peace with how each individual part tends to be such a huge extreme and prone to bouts of really bad self care or maladaptive behavior when left on their own. So we really rely on each other to call each other out, support each other, step in when a part is struggling and cover for one another. Even as a unified whole, its very essential to be looking out for one another and being diligent over eachother's needs - it just kind of comes from a much "higher up" kind of eagle-view lens than a 'on the ground lens' for a lack of better words.

We keep an eye out for each other through a sort of collective lens rather than independently from disconnected views. And so we do notice when one part is agitated or on their shit and usually we can shift around parts to support and help regulate that part as they need. And we do still talk out loud, and it is both to ourselves and to the part at the same time and it feels both like self-soothing and like soothing another person and like being soothed by another person. The best thing is that you get both the joy and dopamine of being a supportive person for someone you care about AND the warmth and dopamine of being supported by someone you care about at the same time.

I never feel alone with myself.

Do any of you (especially those who have tended to be more different from the rest of the system) feel like you've lost any of yourself and the things that make you you, when you're fused?

Naaaah. We have the side system that is usually sleeping both when we are a whole and when we aren't that does sometimes - when fronting - feel out of place a bit because our life is not as centered around those parts being largely engaged parts of ourselves but even they wouldn't say they are "lost" at all

I mean to some degree, it might be somewhat because we are buddhist and don't really believe in the "concept of self / I / me" and don't really define ourselves in any way other than "whatever I am right now", but we just get to do and be everything all at once. Everyone is still here and everyone here can really just become the prominent part or even a completely dominant part and they will be 100% in their natural glory. Riku's disgusting optimism and stubbornness is still here. XIV's loud and obtuse opinionated ass is here. Chunn's "what do you mean you don't do weed you act stoned 24/7" headass is here. Lucille's lack of ability to respond to a tease in a way that doesn't make it funnier is still here. It's just kinda like we can just toggle whats expressed the most at any time.

Especially regarding #1, do you know how your experience compares to people who say they've reached final fusion? Like other than it being temporary, is there anything that makes it distinct? And same question for functional multiplicity I guess.

From what I've heard its actually pretty similar? It's pretty hard to tell what with how complex internal experiences are and how you can only really communicate them through the limited confines of human speech and language, but from what I've read it seems to be pretty common with a lot of people who have reached final fusion.

I do think our perspective on self and life has a large impact on how we like to perceive and operate ourself because - between being AAPI and a buddhist - we have a very very very low value and concern for the concept of identity and individuality and largely do embrace a very fluid, open and ever changing idea of self. As part of our own life perspective and self care and practice, we do actively put effort to removing the concept of "I" and individualism from our lives because we find it just tends to cause more stress than its worth (and also play into the hands of capitalism and just a lot of things we hate about Western American society but I am gonna SMOTHER the XIV brain that wants to go off on that because its NOT the point of this post) so in THAT sense

I do think there is an element of "uniqueness" to the way we operate due to our very core value for fluidity, removal of the concept of "I", and active intent to practice appreciating and enjoying the world as parts of a whole not only in terms of DID but as a part of the world. The way we interact with our DID is about the same way we like to interact with the world and try to interact with the people in our lives, so those sorts of things are non-negligible aspects of how final fusion and functional multiplicity work for us compared to others that might not have as much of an approach to life.

At the core I think it's basically the same, we just enjoy a different perspective in life that tends to also reflect a lot in how we experience ourselves and our symptoms.

Do you/any of you ever get scared/worried about the possibility of someday not being able to separate or even not being able to identify yourselves as separate consciousnesses? And if no, is that because you don't see that as possible for you, because even if it did happen it wouldn't scare you, or both?

Before? Absolutely. Especially when we were first figuring it out and trying to learn how to hold Fei longer AND willingly re-seperate if we wanted to. It was actually absolutely terrifying at first because we had spent our whole life being specific parts and a lot of us were kind of terrified on what it would be like if anything got botched or screwed up or if only some parts fused and others didn't and it ruined the stability and synergies we had built up and god, the anxiety and catastrophization of it all is endless.

It used to be TERRIFYING and there were times we struggled to re-seperate when we wanted to (ironically in periods of high stress a lot of the time) and it did cause us some distress, but over time we kind of learned to just... relax and stop worrying as much about it and just trust in ourselves - more specifically ourselves as Fei. Cause I think in some way or form, us being anxious about not being able to re-divide kind of made us panic throw up partial walls between each other which did seperate us SOME but more than anything just made it harder to fluidly flow between parts which then resulted in us just getting stuck with one-part-dominant Fei. Which is what sometimes caused what we would call "fused-stuck" which feels a lot like being front stuck, but as a fused whole when you can't really properly utelize the other parts you are fused with. It was HORRIBLE, I hated it, but kinda like being frontstuck it passes with time and we just kinda had to go "this too will pass and we will eventually be able to regain our fluidity" and lo and behold, eventually we did gain that fluidity back as well as the ability to just be one specific part should we really want to.

That said, these days? No not really. To some level, yeah it is because I don't think it would really scare us much these days. I don't really necessarily like the idea of being forever fused, but I wouldn't really say it 'scares' us to think about it. Eh maybe a bit from certain parts, cause like right now like maybe 80% of my brain is "ehhh itd suck but itd be fine" and like 20% goes "uhhhh actually" and like at least the Riku part in our brain is going "UHH" so... XD

But even then, that's just when we think about it too long cause certain parts are prone to catastrophizing and thinking about all the horrible ways that could go whereas us - as a whole - are a little better at acknowledging the unforseeable benefits that could also come from it.

For the most part though, the reason it's a "no" is just cause we really just... don't think about it. It's not really something on the forefront of our mind or even like, the middlefront of it. We have a lot of things going on in our life and a lot of things we enjoy and things we enjoy a lot less but are important and it just... doesn't occur to us 98% of the days anymore.

I know people say that you don't lose anything or anyone when a fusion happens, but the fact is, no one involved in the fusion exists in the same way they used to anymore after it happens. (Or so my understanding of it is.) And that's a very scary and painful thing to think about for us right now.

Eh, yes and no - at least in my experience. It's less about parts being the same way or not the same way as they were before in any real way of "morphing" or changing or anything like that and a lot more of just... existing in a wider lens. Kinda think of it like a really detailed painting of sorts. When you are individual parts dissociated from eachother, you can look really really closely at a specific aspect of the art. You can look at how the artist used brush strokes on the specific flower and the hues and you can really appreciate that very close and specific view. Sometimes you can look at another part really closely and remember what the other corner looked like and there is a lot of deep and intricate analysis and appreciation that can come from those close views. The issue is, with those really close up views, its hard to appreciate both simultaneously and even more harder to appreciate MULTIPLE pieces simultaneously let alone appreciate the art as a whole.

And so for me, fusion is just kind of like stepping away and putting the microscope away and just taking in the complex art and painting as a whole. You can survey and focus - from a distance - at any specific part and you can quickly change between each aspect, compare and contrast them, analyze how the parts of the painting play into an overall narrative and how the styles and ways the art is drawn may reflect upon one another. Every individual part is still there and the comparisons and analysis can still be made from a distance. You just get to see more

And in my experience, sometimes I REALLY just wanna study that flower and how that flower was painted alone, because sometimes that very specific very close up very detailed understanding of a specific part of the art is better than just gazing at the whole thing. And that's the great thing. I can always just pull my microscope back out and hone back in.

Stepping away from the painting and getting a wider view doesn't mean that the flower that was otherwise zoomed in on is suddenly inaccessible.

And I guess the analogy doesn't work perfectly because in practice, sometimes interactions between parts may change other parts but 1) is that not just part of life and living in a social world? People come and go and everyone leaves a little part of themselves with everyone they interact with. Change is inevitable and a beautiful and important part of life and 2) even within the analogy, when you understand more of the full picture, sometimes your understanding of the flower alone will change, and that's okay because the flower is still them. Your understanding just became more complex

That said, I absolutely do still understand the fear and pain from the idea of it. Change is frightening, especially with a history of trauma and especially when you have found peace and safety within the parts in your system. I don't want to invalidate that at all cause yeah, absolutely been there and its horribly terrifying. I've just been doing this for a minute and over time I've just kind of learned to trust that no matter what form and opinions any of the parts have and no matter how they change, all these guys are never not going to be the people I need in my life and they are always going to be there for me, when I need them in the way I need them.

They're always going to be them and I'm gonna ride or die with these assholes so, fuck it man. If they turn into a 20ft tall tarantula tomorrow or a worm, I'd still love them and trust that even as a worm they'd still ride or die to support me.

If we ever reach a point where fusion feels natural and like something we want, we're trying to stay open to the idea of that and we think we'd accept it at that point. But we absolutely would want it to be something that we got to choose, and that happened because we wanted it to happen. You know? The idea that if we process through our trauma and keep working together well, that one day we might just... fuse without wanting to or deciding to... it freaks me out.

Yeah thats a completely fair and valid place to be and honestly where we were for years of our healing journey. I think the most anyone can do with something that feels terrifying and is a bit unnatural / untrue to how they currently feel in life is to ask themselves to TRY to be open to an idea. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that currently it scares you and that currently its not something you are ACTUALLY open to the thought of cause thats fine and fair. Being scared, being not ready, and being unable to genuinely consider it are all completely normal feelings and feelings can't really be forced to change or appear in a specific way. Recovery is a huge and long journey and as much as everyone would love for things to just "be right" and have the "healthy mindset", that stuff takes time to authentically and genuinely develop. As long as there is a slightly creaked open door to be willing to let new experiences naturally flow in, I'm sure you'll get to a place that is healthy, happy and comfortable for you.

Whether or not that is final fusion, functional multiplicity, wishiwashi, or something completely out there beyond my fathoming is far beyond anything I could say cause recovery can take you wild places with it's ways of getting you to a place that makes you happy, but whatever form it takes, you'll get there. It might suck and struggle and be scary at times, but you'll get there - just don't judge yourself for not being able to fit into a specific direction or specific way of thinking or fitting into some standards.

Follow your authentic self and expression and I'm sure you'll find what works for you and what is right for you, even among the chaos. ^^

Anywayyyys, that's another long post to reply to your long ask XD It was a nice chat and ramble so thanks for the ask. I kinda like talking about this stuff so its much appreciated

PS: I will almost* never complain about a long ask, anyone that following this blog knows I post replies that are like 10 pages long for a question like "do you like cheese" because I go on so many tangents and have a lot of thoughts on everything and just like Thinking About Things.

(* = I do not wish to underestimate the power of weird tumblr users /neutral)

[system-of-a-feather]

Relating to this post and this post, but I feel there is this stigma around "being triggeered" an acting in a way that is charged by the fact you are "triggered" as though it undermines your actions, invalidates your actions, or makes you wrong because its some "mental health symptom"

But being triggered literally has no weight to it and while it provides context, does not inherently make anything right or wrong, good or bad, valid or not.

In fact, I would even make the claim that being triggered really isn't inherently even a negative thing to be in all situations. Often times? Yes. Sometimes though? Its adaptive, appropriate, and useful to handle situations.

The difference? Control, awareness, and moderation - as well as just generally how deeply triggered you are. (cause if you are having full on flashbacks and full dissociative freeze, theres little 'control' you can put to that level of triggered; for the point of this post, I am talking about emotionally triggered / passively triggered)

There is nothing inherently wrong with operating in / from a mindset informed and charged by past experiences. Can it be excessive? Yes. Can it cloud judgement? Yes. Can it get out of hand and become self destructive / harmful and add more stress and harm to oneself if left to fester? Yes. Are any of those inherently going to happen if you indulge and allow those feelings to have space to air and inform your decisions? Absolutely not.

Cause here's the thing - especially with DID - being triggered can take up a fucking huge part of your life if you have C-PTSD or a CDD - thats just the facts of the life. If you have DID, you might have parts and fragments that in the very essence of them, are going to be triggered cause theyre trauma holders, EPs, fragments, and what not. Some of them literally don't exist outside of the constant internal existence of what they've been through. If you are going to wait until you are "not triggered" to live your life, you are never going to get anywhere. If you treat being triggered as this moral failing or intellectual failing, you are going to deeply struggle to build a loving relationship with the hurt you've been through.

The ways you act when you are triggered had / have a purpose. Even if the behavior is 99.9% of the time maladaptive and unhealthy, at least ONCE in your life it was adaptive and served to tell and communicate something stupid fucking important - otherwise it would not be there.

The challenge is figuring out what that stupid fucking important thing is beyond the stress that those 99.9% maladaptive behaviors and mindsets while triggered are, but every part and every trauma response is there to tell you something you need to know.

If you are able to be okay with being triggered, know where it comes from, know what its trying to tell you, know where it intends to go and what it will want to do, and you are able to walk away from it when you realize it is no longer serving you, being "triggered" can be an aid in your recovery and life in the occasional moments when that percentage of "adaptive behavior" presents itself.

XIV 1.0 was a pure solid EP who literally only experienced sadistic high from causing problems and screwing over established structures and would ACTIVELY look for things to be annoyed at / mad about and people making silly exploitable mistakes so that he could make them regret it and so he could get a high of some ambiguous concept of "dominating" and thus crushing people. It stems from the fact that in our household it was eat or be eaten and the most aggressive manipulative and intimidating person controlled the house, including safety, security, food, and if our dad was going to rage and hurt people. Having that insane high and joy from sadistically dominating people the second they make a single exploitable mistake is something that SEVERELY saved our ass growing up when we were a preteen left to figure out how to make sure our parents didn't get us killed.

Upon fusing with Rayku years ago I really realized as FUNNY and FUN as all that shit still registered to me, as much of an addictive high it gave me, the only place that shit was going to get me was an early grave and hurting everyone else in the system so I put a few years into learning to put that skill and joy on the shelf to use if it is ever needed again.

And every so often? Someone gets power hungry and abusive in a way that is fucked up and needs to be shaken, torn down, and have the small little mistakes exploited to punish shitty people behavior, and yeah, I'll be running off of a similar mindset to my trauma environment. Yeah I'll be having almost the same feelings and disproportionate focus and adrenaline. Yeah I'll essentially be having a passive emotional ""flashback"", but at any point, anyone in the system can say "hey XIV thats enough" and I literally can take a deep breath, sigh, and put it aside and go "yeah you're right"

I can choose to allow this to fester and direct my actions and I can choose to put it away as we see it necessary.

So yeah I am probably technically "triggered", but thats honestly by intention. Its helpful and adaptive. It lets me take down shit I find disgusting. I can put it away whenever I want to, I just simply choose to not, because in this moment, being triggered is far more helpful and adaptive to my current goals in life than being placated and peaceful. Plus, because we can turn it on and off as we need, everyone else can just exist as they do while I sit and indulge this when I feel the need to and trust that others will just tell me to cool it if I ever get too deep.

Cause honestly, its also this openness to indulge "being triggered" that is like... honestly the crux of being able to fuse and unfuse at relative will. It's how Chunn and I fuse and unfuse like every few weeks. We choose to indulge our exaggerated corners of the brain when we want to be seperate and shrug it off and let them meld when we want to be together.

[system-of-a-feather]

How do you know when you've finally achieved a "remissed" state? I keep wondering if my system has finally settled in a state of "functional multiplicity" but I'm hesitant to use that because I know I still have a lot of trauma processing to do and unknown alters who show up every now and then. But it's no longer necessarily distressing, I know how to handle flashbacks and how to help these new alters and my life has otherwise stabilized a lot.

I feel there isn't really a hard definition for this. I was going to say "final fusion is a lot more clear cut" but honestly? As a person who has also finally fused and has honestly been sitting in that for like two weeks more or less straight, even that can be pretty "hard to notice".

And I know - cause I was there - that from the perspective of someone Not There and/or hasnt realized they are there yet that it sounds very anti-intuitive or wrong, because "How would I NOT notice everything fusing into one identity? Wouldnt that be obvious that I'm NOT me?"

But no, its not really obvious, at least not in my experience. In my experience, by the point you start to get closer to final fusion / functional multiplicity the amount of which DID-symptoms (primarily alters, switching, and amnesia) call for much attention or care to be cognoscente of becomes really small and rather nonconsequential. It becomes a lot easier to just exist among your parts and casually let whoever wants to front whenever without too much internal communication or checks and balances or really any cognitive effort.

By the point when switching and amnesia is so not-distressing and minimally invasive, its very easy to fluidly switch between parts and the trust within each part is so large that you really don't have to ask them or communicate as explicitly to make sure they are on the same page as you and will do the best to respect you and your needs as a part.

By that point, trying to keep track of who is fronting and switching and everything - while definitely possible and something we do a lot, particularly when we are not 'roosting in Fei' - can sometimes become a bit of a hassle (not always, sometimes its fun as well when we are just chatting with eachother) and by that point its kind of like... trying to keep track of who is in the lobby of a massive hotel. It can be a bit exhausting, so even when not in Final Fusion, you just kinda stop caring and just go about your life trusting that whoever is out there is probably having a good time and that you don't really mind Not Being there.

Or hell, maybe theyre out there and you wanna be out there with them and chill thats awesome, but again - it doesn't really matter and that internal vigilance over identity and self just is so so so so tiny

And I guess now that I'm writing it, I think that - in my opinion - is the best tell that you are probably at functional multiplicity; is that if genuinely that internal vigilance among yourself, parts you know, parts you know you don't know, possession of the body, switching, etc is really just so so so nonconsequential and such an afterthought to your existence, I think that is probably the best indicator of really any remissed state.

In my opinion the key difference between Final Fusion and Functional Multiplicity is just a matter of how much you engage with yourself as seperate parts versus as a very relaxed and constantly flowing beach.

For me, Functional Multiplicity - at the point of healing that I am now - takes a little bit of mental energy (not a lot, its largely negligible most of the time and we tend to prefer to be closer to the functional multiplicity end a lot of the time) to be that aware of what part is out and if I should get a different part out or if I think someone else would enjoy the moment better. That said, the small amount of mental energy put into that often gives me a lot more insight into myself as I can talk and engage and enjoy life with my better halves / quarters / thirty-ths / etc. It also opens up for more specialized enjoyment of activities, perspectives in life, and engagement in skills. Being at Functional Multiplicity allows me to control and specialize what part of me is presenting at what point in time and live in the moment as my best self for the moment.

On the other hand, Final Fusion is so serene and existing in it is like the coming and going of waves on a beach. Every so often you go "hey thats XIV" or "lol hey thats Riku" or "lol yep theres Chunn" and sometimes those waves are basically just that part fronting, but everything is so damn connected that even if you know that line came SPECIFICALLY from that specific part, hell even if that whole activity was primarily from that specific part, everything is SO damn connected that its still >you< it is still the Beach, that was just a fucking GNARLY wave of XIV or Riku or Chunn or etc

Thus why even though we've been sitting in Fei for like two or so weeks now, you can often see a second tag with it. If a wave is predominant, we will tag it, but *shrugs* it don't matter cause in the end its our overall whole that is here the most.

Final Fusion also has its amazing perks like actually Not having to Discuss much at All. Which as much as I LOVE talking to my parts explicitly and having banter and all, sometimes when life is stressful or I'm over worked or burnt out or what not, sometimes I really would just rather have some simplicity in life and just be able to know and speak for myself without having to go through a counsel.

But back to the point of the question, I think the best way to tell is to just generally reference how much internal vigilance you have over yourself, your system, your concept of identity and self, and see where you fall on that.

An alternative perspective to that same measure is just really, how much do you deeply and internally trust yourself (as a whole) on an emotional level to do the best for yourself and to absolutely never intentionally neglect yourself? How much blind faith - no if ands or buts - do you have in yourself? Do you feel there is any possible part that you don't know of that could in there that you couldn't handle or that would cause you really any notable amount of distress? Does thinking about parts that you don't know stress you out? Do you think there is a world where - for any meaningful or substantiated period of time - any part of you would ever intentionally put themselves wholely before another part?

Are you your first and foremost ally all the way through in and out? Do you feel decently comfortable answering these questions for the system and do you feel decently confident that - even without explicitly asking them - that you can advocate for all parts on these questions?

This isn't to say that if you DON'T check all these off that you AREN'T at a remissed state or anything, because honestly, I didn't realize or even get some of these checked off until AFTER my therapist pointed it out to me and I sat and thought about it. But its some nice food for thought and questions to think about and talk about among yourself because those topics have honestly created some of the most healing and solidification after realizing we were "kinda at functional multiplicity" that had really helped unify us even further than before. (below the cut is more directed towards the ""anon"" themselves)

[**Disclaimer at the end regarding parts underneath this mark**]

Most importantly though, I believe strongly in the principle of self determination (<- this is not a clinical or official thing in literature, its a term and topic I use within my therapy, internal interactions, and what not that is based on my own personal opinion / view of DID; this is not scientific and entirely peer / experience based) - at least in late stage recovery - so if you feel you might be at functional multiplicity and you genuinely emotionally feel as though you are on the fence, I don't see why you shouldn't believe you are at functional multiplicity.

It is a little more risky of a game to play in earlier stages of recovery, but considering I know who asked this cause they DMed me 2 seconds later, if you are not prone to notable bouts of denial or using denial as a means of repression, why WOULDN'T you be at functional multiplicity?

The label is pretty loose and subjective and if you want to be at functional multiplicity, claim it, believe it, dedicate to it, and I feel the DID subconscious brain - so long as it is within it's genuine realm of plausibility and believably - will let it be.

So to the anon that I know, I personally am of the non-professional completely-peer opinion that if reading this, you still feel you really really might be at functional multiplicity, say FUCK IT WE BALL, and just take that label and smack it on your face. If you are close enough to functional multiplicity to read through this and still go "maybe we are" then you are close enough to "kinda fake it till you make it".

That's just to say that if you say you are at functional multiplicity, I'd absolutely believe it and accept it, but also that if you said you weren't, I'd also absolutely believe it and accept it. Define who you are based on your genuine truth and where you'd like to be go for it. If you have good reason to believe you are at functional multiplicity and you want to be at functional multiplicity and that you feel you are willing to genuinely believe you are at functional multiplicity, make the claim and be at functional multiplicity.

--- [DISCLAIMER]

**These last few paragraphs (below disclaimer mark) are primarily targetted to the anon cause I know them, and there is a lot more nuance to the topic as well as limits to the extent it can work and trying to take it as a "this is completely impossible to missuse" can be risky. So I do want to put a disclaimer that if you are not in mid to late stage recovery and/or have not gotten over the "fakies" or have parts that try to rush things or "rewrite the narrative at the expense of other parts" - the principle of self determination is not something I'd recommend as it can be used for harm as well if not done authentically. It is important to acknowledge this is completely based on my own experience, opinion and perspective of DID that is NOT substantiated past my personal experience. Take this with a large grain of salt.

[system-of-a-feather]

Something that's worried us about fusion is how seemingly opposite or contradictory identities can become cohesive and integrated without causing further issues. From a trans perspective, some parts of us have dysphoria over the fact we have breasts now, others have dysphoria over the fact we haven't had surgery, and others still would have dysphoria if we were to have surgery.

I don't know if you have experiences with anything similar but if you have any insights into how bridging the gap may be possible it would really help <3

God yeah no, as a nonbinary system this shit fucking is hard so I feel you. I'm actually having to sit here a bit to think about how I would explain how thats ended up going with us. The short answer is, we kind of just stopped thinking too heavily about the long term goals as explicitly and trying to define our experiences into one box or another and rather than trying to debate what we'd do, we started to largely settle on "lets explore the options and be open to experiences on both and all ends and live out BOTH goals and see how / if our complex feelings on the matter change"

Because honestly - and I am hesitant to say this somewhat cause it might come off as upsetting, 'transphobic', or triggering to people who are more In the Depths of Dysphoria cause it really didn't help distressed parts in the past as much - but you would be surprised how much more okay and navigable topics are in practice than they are in your head. The world is a lot more diverse and things can be not that bad, not as bad, or completely different than you expect and with what dysphoria may tell you it would be - in both directions of 'no surgery' and 'yes surgery'.

I don't really think that fluidity of gender identity and expression really ever goes away, and honestly, it really doesn't have to. Your gender as confusing and complex and contradictory as it is, is still inherently cohesive in the sense gender doesn't have to be cohesive or permanent. Of course that doesn't help the situation with deciding permanent changes (like surgery), but at that point that's also just the curse of being nonbinary / genderfluid / bigender / polygender / pangender. And this isn't to downplay how uniquely frustrating it can be as a system, because god having those fluid changes have full on voices, personalities and identities DOES NOT help with it, but its to say that having that contradicting, confusing, and conflicting gender experience is not inherently pathological - at least not in the DID sense.

It's just stupid gender issues /affectionate /lh /being trans is suffering sometimes I swear to god/ /joking

The best way we've navigated this though is to just focus on the current present, focus on exploring and testing what is okay, helps, and hurts, focus on our current in-the-moment feelings about things as we explore it, focus on deeply understanding and talking to parts about how they are feeling in the current moment about things and keep that discussion open ended and genuinely accepting, and focus on what your feelings to their feelings are. It's a long process but explore, listen to yourself and listen to your parts WITHOUT trying to argue or push a long term future agenda or plan or anything. Just listen and focus on the present exploration.

Doing so largely helps paint a clearer image of your collective experiences and what are things that you Must Have and things that you Must Not Have as well as creative ways to Sometimes Have things and Sometimes Not Have things. You'd be pretty surprised how much exploration and focus on the present, short term possibilities can come up with some really creative ways to embrace a non-traditional expression and way of living that doesn't fit into boxes as clearly

And also, most importantly, work with a gender-informed therapist if you can cause they can be SUPER helpful in bridging and connecting experiences and adding suggestions.

[system-of-a-feather]

Hey its Chunn 2.0 (Technically XIV 2.5, but different dominance balance) and I'm out here for a specific reason and its made me realize two things.

Firstly, I am so huge on team full titty chop - cause damn I was thinking about real shit and got jumpscared by huge titties and it nearly broke my vibe ngl. Good thing we have our consult in two days.

Secondly, it's kinda funny when you know the context, but I think I'm gonna be the part assigned to being support for our fiance when hes at his worst cause a lot of our other parts are too cerebral or high energy or honestly concerned and mentally "busy"

And our fiance is very much a complete freeze response where his body physically tries to shut him down and everything short of sleeping and dense dissociation (DPDR) causes a migraine or panic attack. Which honestly is completely opposite of our system's coping as people that get busy when at our worst; so a lot of parts are pretty lost as to what to do to help and cause theyre cerebral they try to solve it in their own head which makes it ironically harder to just be there with him. For most of the system, its either "fix it" or leave him on his own and they struggle to do anything in the grey zone solely cause its not a learned skill and they worry and thus stress themselves out a bit too much (thus making their energy go up, which is not helpful)

Where as like me? My empathy is shot so hard, even if I wanted to worry and be stressed with you, I fuckin cant mate. But thats okay cause you look like you need a break, like you need something chill and that sir, I love chill.

Hey if you need a low energy source of calm and stability I'm great at that. Hey man, we can go sit and watch ducks tomorrow for like four hours idk man.

And thats cool and all, but the funny thing is, when I first resplit as Chunn 1.0 I stressed the system out cause I really had a lot of negative reactions to him and him being mentally ill cause of trauma and general overload and shit. I was literally like "hey yall I think we should just break shit off cause yadayada" and I actively avoided and disliked him specifically 😂

And so here I am being like "Hey yall, if you guys dont mind, Ill handle him when hes having huge recovery crashes and seemingly developing agoraphobia cause man, same hat ngl ngl /hj /lh"

[system-of-a-feather]

Man, I'm (Fei, final fused state) listening to the Loki Season 2 Part 2 Soundtrack and the line "Purpose is often more burden than glory" really sticks with me cause man 0 if there is anything to summarize the core locus that defines the "Riku Part" in relation to the rest of the system, the thing that makes the basis for every elaborate dynamic and role they have with the other parts, it would be best summarized as "Purpose and/or Passion". Everything about their role in the system boils down to them being the sole carrier and center of purpose and passion and that they are functionally there to provide that not only for themselves but the entire system - and ever since our childhood / original host situation got fucked up around age 7-10 they've been living that on full drive as a host / one of the hosts / one of the most frequent fronters since then.

And honestly, having to be responsible for giving, providing, and generating a sense of purpose for the system - a genuine "why" to keep going - when growing up being abused, being targetted for MC-related stuff from a snake of a sister that was our "only non-abusive older person in our life" who gave us up to predators and left us for daring to be hurt by that, being disabled and having multiple mental health issues, being otherwise a lone, and having almost every friendship we invested to end with no closure (moved without goodbyes) or turned abusive - was both an insane pressure and a mammoth of a task, especially when you consider that save for the first and last two years, they were the ONLY host and they lived through MOST of the last half of our childhood

They had to experience and endure the garbage of life as a teen and then the climb out and survival in college as the main person experiencing it, and still - despite it all - keep their head up and never waver in their purpose because if THEY lost sight of it, if they stopped believing in it, if they wavered, the system as a whole would collapse beneath them. And that sounds like a catastophization, but as a fused state of all our parts, I can say for certain that - especially during any point before we graduated college - if they ever did genuinely stay down for more too long, we would have imploded. Most other parts don't have any motivation to heal, recovery, or keep trying. Most don't have motivation to try to do better or even really live on their own. Some parts - even with Riku's radiating vision - barely managed to hold faith in them to not just off and kill themselves or go off and commit crimes that would end in a rather short life.

And thats what XIV - hell most of the parts that are otherwise headstrong, angry and closed off and/or smarter, wiser, and more capable than Riku on their own - respected the most out of them despite the fact that they're fucking idiots 95% of the time. Out of context, Riku is really nothing special - they're stupid, they've got shitty stamina and are completely whiny about any level of physical discomfort, they are the worlds largest hypocrites because they know whats right and struggle A LOT to actually do what they suggest, they are control freaks and particular as fuck and there are alters here that can do almost everything way better than they can and yet a lot of the time they are stubborn and even though they CAN easily switch with any of the other parts, they choose to make themselves suffer. In our trauma therapist's words that Riku agreed to - they are addicted to their own misery. (Which probably comes from the fact that they find it easier to find and see their purpose better when they are suffering than when they aren't suffering)

All in all, Riku out of context is a very mediocre and an average normal person (a generalist, which isn't bad, but as a stubborn control freak it is very frustrating from the specialist views) in relevance to the rest of the frequent fronters (a lot of us being a lot more specialists in that we have very specific extreme skills and huge deficiencies elsewhere), but within the context - Riku is beyond a specialist in their sheer resilience and ability to always see something worthwhile in the garbage of everything.

In a similar but very very different way than XIV, they never loose because they never see an end to the "why" and more than anything else, thats what really got us to our place in life. Thats why I am able to sit here and be me, a fused whole for the time being, writing the genuine insight to the host of 15 or so years that somehow always kept their head up and kept trudging through.

It's why Riku as a part is known in this system for being the part that no part can genuinely hate for long. There are so many reasons a lot of parts have to hate them, or be frustrated with them, or want to usurp their central role to the system, but in the end of the day - they really believe in the most for all parts of our system, in the world, and others. They see the most potential in others and look at the most dismal situations and "give up on it" situations and both internally as a part, internally as a system, and to those around them, really dedicate to wanting to see people reach where they belong. To them, those they come to know have a place to be, a great thing to become - maybe for the world, maybe for society, maybe for their close peers, maybe just for themselves - and they just really genuinely like to see all that potential grow and flourish against all preconsceived notions of what is possible.

It's not anything "special" for them, it's just their way of existence because its their extreme that they got from our childhood, our trauma, and our disorder. They see potential - a why - in almost everything and anyone they spend enough time with and they love to see that why be realized.

I dunno, I feel like Riku and XIV have spent time trying to pinpoint and explain the nature of Riku and how - despite being considerably average to the other parts in the system - Riku is by far the most respected and loved parts in our system. Perhaps its cause they're so average as well that they are the best.

You know, "Sometimes the best horse is the worst horse, and the worst horse is best horse, because the best horse learns too easily and misses the marrow of the practice where as the worst horse will fail and struggle and yet persevere to deeply understand the practice and when that worst horse learns the practice, he will have a much deeper, much more full understanding and appreciation of the practice" - the allegory(?) from Shunryu Suzuki that our system loves, I think best summarizes the nature of Riku.

[system-of-a-feather]

Okay so I posted these tags under this post and it had me thinking

A really funny / odd / interesting thing about being a system with a few DRASTICALLY different parts that are so fucking obvious to those that know we have DID its not even funny (it totally is) is that like...

We have pretty obvious switches if we don't try to hide them (we rarely ever do) and you know the jest of each part. @reimeichan can attest as they've met us IRL, we just are super obvious XD

But the thing is, with our current stage of healing, we really don't have HARD switches and most of our switches are very smooth, fluid, and easy - so the switches themselves aren't obvious as much as the alters are obvious

The thing that is even FUNNIER is that when we are in a fused whole, our fiance literally barely notices because as a fused whole, all of the usual parts still present and speak how they usually do, its just we are actually just fully connected and not identifying as any specific part and able to 100% smoothly transition between parts of ourselves

And so a lot of the time, unless we are doing something that it "out of character" for any part alone, our fiance has fully just assumed we were switching fluidly and quickly when in actuality we were in a fused state

So even when we aren't switching, our "switches" are obvious because we have very pronounced parts of our personality that are very notable and telling

So I can be a fused Feather / Fei and my fiance can be like "that came from XIV that came from Riku that came from Ray, oh yeah hi Chunn" and I honestly really both find that nice to know and nice to have

[system-of-a-feather]

This whole weekend I've been fused stuck and it is both hilarious and annoying. Like I have / had plans this weekend to engage with as Riku and as XIV and as Lucille to do as self care which we still did but like.... I could have enjoyed it MORE as my individual parts and bleh XD

But its honestly such a sign of progress that we are now *stuck* final fused for the time being

And ALSO very funny of a concept cause yall know the rhetoric of "final fusion isnt even worth it cause you can just split again"

Meanwhile I've been grumbling about being stuck fused like booooo give me XIV and Riku and all as individual parts back again, I'm bored of being a fused whole booooo

Anyways TLDR I need to get Gud at Wishiwashi