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violetskies65 · 2 years ago

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My Abuser.

Honestly, it has taken me too long to write this. I have a lot going on in my life, and it really saddens me that I lost four months of my life away to a narcissistic drain. Looking back, that is exactly how I see my ex. A drain, or some type of large black hole, that sucked away pieces of my soul, and my spirit. I know my spirit was draining, and I simply was not "me".

It did not take long for my friends to notice my weird behavior. They were of course worried about me, but in their defense, they did not care to poke or prod into my situation, as I would always shut them down. "I'm just tired" I would say, while knowing I was sinking back into that place I so desperately fought to get out of when I was between the ages of 17 and 18. At that time, the current social climate, rise of COVID-19 cases, and my father's death is what put me in that "dark place". Now, it was one person, one person I so desperately craved to get away from at all costs, even to the point where I was joking about faking my own death to my mother. She probably brushed it off as my dark sense of humor, but even then, and somewhat now, I have hidden nearly all of the abuse I suffered from November 2022, to March 2023.

I see myself as a girl who wants to date for marriage, and fun. I have been busy a bit, and chose to work on myself, and perceived flaws. I was in a pretty shifty relationship for too long in 2021, and while I am friends with this ex now, with him begging to rekindle our relationship at some points, this man broke my heart in the midst of August. Looking back, it was honestly for the best. I needed to learn to not be codependent, and work on myself. This time period brought a lot of blessings for me growth and personality wise, and for the first time in forever, I felt free and happy. I had contracted COVID-19 in August, and was also busy babysitting my now homeless coworker/friends small children. These events allowed me to come out of my depressed shell, but also take time to recuperate on myself. Many men came my way, and were rejected, I simply was not ready to exactly date yet, so why I made that mistake in October, I will never know.

Picture it, October of 2022! I was definitely feeling myself. I have dealt with weight and body image issues for the past year, which were further amplified by my choice of attire as Catwoman, but I decided to just be myself. I was invited to a friend's (now ex friend) halloween party. Looking back, this was all a simple ploy or "set up" to set me up with the person who would become my abuser, worsen my anxiety, and cause me to worry for my safety over the period of several months.

We really liked each-other's "vibe" at the party, and simply began talking. Honestly, there seemed to be an abundance of red flags everywhere, the first being is, he simply didn't have a drivers license. I'm just going to state it here right now, I like and prefer to date older men, for multiple reasons, none of which really being me playing into the "gold-digger" stereotype. He was 21, no license, but he had a job. The light at the end of the tunnel right? He was actually employed, and would walk approximately two miles back and forth to his place of employment every night. I felt sorry for him, and saw him as just a goofy guy, who had been put down by women for not being good enough, with the stories he told me and the way he expressed himself, I believed him. In a way, I believe it to be a somewhat empathetic connect. In the way he constantly put himself down as "not good enough", I related, as I felt I was not good enough because of my current self esteem.

On the flipside of the coin, I deal with mental health issues myself, but I often internalize them. I am still so angry at myself, as I feel I came so far as a person, only to waste it, on this piece of shit. We continued talking, and did not engage in "full intercourse" for about a month, possibly even longer. I didn't exactly know what we were, I just know we liked each other, and I did not wish to rush anything. Our official anniversary date was November 13th, a date I felt guilty about, as it was my father's birthday. I really did not wish to share such a sad and special date to myself with him, but I was afraid to tell him that, because he was quickly wanting to make it "official". I now realize his reasoning for this was to prove something. He wanted to prove to his exes, and other "nay-sayers" that he could in fact OBTAIN a new girlfriend, he simply is not the issue, and they are. Of course this is all a blatant trait of his long-standing narcissistic traits.

I just began a new job, and I had too much going on, but I still seemingly did everything to keep him happy. When we met, and around the time we began dating, he had an ex, I'll call her Gaz for privacy reasons. From the outside looking in, it truly did appear to me that Gaz was the one doing the harassing. I really wish I listened to what she said, or prodded more into it.

My abuser simply stated to me that Gaz, had left him, yet continued to harass him for months. I would later discover this to not be true in the slightest, but I did not discover or realize this soon enough. She posted across various social media platforms about how much he hurt her, how bad he treated her and how his behavior was deplorable, and the most obvious, about him being a narcissist. The funny thing is, I actually went to high school with Gaz, and she was a year younger than me. I knew of her, but I really did not know her. I heard about some drama and scandals she was in, but just always assumed she never liked me, but I simply went on with my life. She was, and still clearly is on a separate path from me. I would like to believe everyone progresses in life at different rates, and I truly wish the best for everyone, but it is now so clear that my abuser was holding her back, which honestly, makes me fear the now scrapped future I may have been stuck in with him.

Gaz was an intelligent and talented young woman who came from a more privileged background than myself. She is tall and skinny, and was pursuing a degree at the college I practically just gave up on because of depression and financial related issues. These were all my first surface level assumptions of her. I knew she was in some drama in high school, but I never really hated or cared about her, she was friends with a good friend of mine from back in the day, so I assumed she had matured and pursuing good goals for herself. I saw some of her memes and artwork on instagram, and thought they were neat. Besides all of that, I never really paid her any mind, until she broke up with my abuser.

Gaz dated my abuser for nearly two years, and broke up with him in August (Key Date: A day before I was dumped by my ex). I was friends with my abuser on facebook a bit after this happened, and saw him posting sad and depressing posts, and although I did not know him, I knew he was the brother of she-demons brother. I felt it was my duty to help uplift someone's spirit after I was in such a dark place myself. I seemingly put two and two together, and from seeing his posts, her posts, and her continuing to post after we made our relationship public, and assumed she was a terrible person who just wanted to see the person I then loved and cared for so deeply suffer. Why will she just not let it go? I thought to myself everyday. I wanted to confront her so badly, and probably say some not so nice words. On twitter, she began posting about me, just some snarky comments. My abuser always reprimanded me, and sent his mother after her, but I was never ever allowed to say or confront Gaz about anything. I simply let it die. I trusted my abuser also, because I thought his other ex, we will call her Jade, was on just great terms with him, they were friends, and they left the past in the past. I would later come to find out that that wasn't true either, and he has quite the extensive track record in regards to abuse.

From the moment we began dating, my abuser was initially so focused on moving in together. This is not something I looked forward to, and stated many times I was looking forward to paying off my debt in the New Year before I ever made such a commitment. I had no issue with living with my mother, and I still don't. It can be rough at times, but there are really no combative issues, or any issues nearly akin to what I went through when I lived with my abuser. This should have been the most blatant red flag, but do not think I did not voice my concerns about this bizarre arrangement.

I would wait to get off work and take my abuser to his job, where he would make a whopping $11-20 dollars a night, if even that. I have done DoorDash and made double that in just an hour or two. I had a thirty minute commute home, but sometimes, he would guilt-trip me into staying up and staying in the city late, so I could take him home too. I cared about him, but these events were very tiring to me, and would wear me down. Even then, I felt like I was walking on eggshells, and that I couldn't just simply tell him "no". This would obviously become a more prominent issue later into our relationship. issues regarding sex, drugs and alcohol, finances, and more, all were rooted in this way of life. I was simply scared to stand up from myself from almost the beginning, I put him on a pedestal, and he really seemed to enjoy that. Before things got deeper into the relationship, I thought to myself, how could this goofball be so abusive, and that Gaz was a psycho and jealous liar. Ironically, this seems to be a trend with my abuser.

My abuser dated Jade before Gaz. Jade was described to me as very sexually confident, yet she had an insatiable appetite for attention, she was described to me as needy, someone needing to be loved. At first, in regards to the details my abuser laid out in his long and overtold stories about her, I related. I really just wanted to be her friend. Early on in my relationship with my abuser, she happened to send me a friend request. I accepted it, but was initially weirded out. My abuser made me go back into a cycle of being unfriendly and untrustworthy with people, ESPECIALLY other women. I simply asked him why she had added me, which led to him spilling into his now standing friendship with her, and later on comparing her to Jade, which also helped further the process with my brainwashing by him.

Jade is just so much more mature than Gaz, was the rhetoric repeated by my abuser most often. "I'm so glad we are friends" he stated, multiple times. For some reason, these instances did not make me really insecure. I was actually happy he seemed to be on good terms with atleast one of his exes, which to me, proved the point the Gaz was nothing but a hateful liar. Really, that wasn't the case. Jade is a very forgiving person who has certainly been through a lot. She simply thought forgiving my abuser (OUR abuser) for what he did would be just enough for her to move on with her life, and process her trauma, but when I came forward about my abuse, it seemed to open up a door for so much more information that would make my stomach churn, and in turn, make me feel like the world's biggest idiot, and a loser.

My abuser talked about Jade a lot. Gaz was a forbidden topic, at least to me. Whenever Gaz was mentioned, it was followed by something negatively that she had done to him. These instances carried on for two months of our relationship. My abuser seems to piggy back off a lot of his issues, and as most narcissists do, he uses it as a defense mechanism. He would repeatedly talk about Gaz, and how she tricked him, lied to him, and later on, how SHE was the one who cheated. It honestly hurt me, this fixation he had on this girl I felt I was nothing like. I was nothing like Jade either, but I feel we could relate in some ways. Our socioeconomic background was slightly similar, we had some similar interests, and we both adored cats. Still, she was different from me in a lot of ways, and I was reminded of that too.

I am just going to say, I am very confident in myself, at least before this relationship took a toll on me, but repeated stories about Gaz and Jade was something that really started to piss me off. After listening to his virginity story, and about all these women he has "scored" i began to drift off, and tell my own stories, my exes (which I do not have a lot!) and how we are all cool, or on some set of good terms. I bragged and gloated about how men usually come back to me, because they do. I just wanted to gain strength in my own sexuality again, and my appearance. I am bigger, and I gained weight in this relationship. I was on the way to dieting, before my abuser ruined it by practically forcing me to smoke marijuana and live off fast food for months, to the point where my gall bladder hurts.

Alongside the repeated lies and stories in regards to Gaz, his hatred for her was so strong I was deprived of finding joy in any similar way or interest that was akin to her. Even where I lived, was VERY much an issue for my abuser. Throughout the course of our short lived relationship, my abuser only spoke to my mom maybe like three times. She was very polite each time, but even then, I was so terrified she was going to say something to set him off. We basically began dating before the holidays, and he would not meet my family. He would not budge, and would always give a sob story to how he could not, and would not meet my family for the holidays. Everything was about his family, and how he felt.

I spent thanksgiving alone for a bit, after a long day of hard work at my Grandmothers until my family came. At this point, I was just extremely upset and questioning the entire complexity of my relationship. I could not find the words to tell my family, and my poor confused mother of all people just exactly why my new prince charming would not be attending dinner with us, atleast for a little bit, or the simple fact that he was refusing to meet them. His infatuation with Gaz still continues to this day, as if Fall Out Boy came on the radio, I was surely getting the silent treatment for atleast fifteen minutes.

Christmas rolls around, and we are honestly having more good days in our relationship than bad. I truly loved my abuser, and for a while, my doubts began to fade. I traveled to his mother's house in a city three hours away around christmas time, and then again near new years. Near Christmas, I truly did not feel like going, but I was excited to get out. At first, I was nervous, and a bit sad. My ex was from a town near this area, and I had a great friend who lived up here whom I missed, so I was a bit melancholy. This was obviously an issue for my abuser. "Why can't you just be happy", is a statement he would constantly speak, whenever my emotions were not the exact same as his.

I hated going to his mothers house. I did not feel comfortable, and the steps were ridiculous. There was no heat in the dead of winter, but they were struggling. In my head and in my heart, I was already thinking of ways I could help them, as I felt so bad. I always wanted to get toys for his two young brothers, which ended up with him scolding me and storming off in the middle of Walmart, because I accidentally interrupted him holding up a Spider man figure, asking if his brothers would like it. The house was always filthy and dirty, but I was under the guise they were getting their life together, so I tried not to be too judgemental. I felt so cramped and boring, and I was the new girl, so of course a conversation piece.

My abuser found a box that had some of Gaz's things in them. Instead of throwing them out or allowing me to rethrift them, he sulked, and gave me the silent treatment, somehow everything was my fault, once again. He was full of anger and rage, he held so much hate in his heart for Gaz.

The first time, we had to sleep on an air mattress that kept deflating on the floor, which left me with a very sore hip. This did not matter though, as my abuser then decided it was the perfect room to have sex in. I was not sober, but I will say, I fully consented to intercourse that night, it was fast, as it always was with him. I knew it would be over soon, leaving me unsatisfied, but honestly I was just tired. I figured we would wake up and leave in the morning, only to realize, I was trapped in a city three hours away for the next half of the day. I woke up that morning freezing, tired, and feeling gross. I got up and used the bathroom, came back, and fell asleep. This led to my abuser berating me for falling back asleep, with no regards to my quality of sleep, and with him begging to have sex again. I am not going to deny, I am a sexual person. Sex is fun to me, as I'm sure it is to a lot of people. I am also a very hygienic person, and sometimes, the act is not very hygienic. He pleaded and begged for 15 minutes to have unprotected sex with me, when I was so tired.

During the argument, I could hear his uncle across us in the hallway, and his brothers running outside. To top it all off, the sun was coming up. I finally just gave into missionary sex as I said "okay, I'll let you, but I won't be actively participating", because I knew in my heart, he would be complaining the entire day and about how I ruined our chance to have sex, which is something he did often. I spent half of our relationship feeling like a teenager, as sex was common but almost always uncomfortable, and he acted like a naive boy on prom night.

January came and went, and honestly, will probably go down as one of the worst months of my life. I had to be at work super early on New Years Day, so even though we spent some time together, we did not get to spend the night together, or even share a New Year's kiss. My night ended with me dropping him off at work, and me going home, and going to sleep, feeling so frustrated.

My frustrations would continue into the next day as I woke up to find him to be at his exes' home approximately a few minutes from where I lived. It was Jade. "Hey" he texted me, with me ignoring it, unintentionally, as I clocked out from work around 2. "I'm in *insert town name* at Jade and her boyfriend's house, they invited me over for New Years." I read the message, and shut down. This was the first moment in our relationship I was full of anger. Not sadness, not numbness, and not confusion, pure raw anger. I felt betrayed, and maybe even a little jealous. Two confusing and unusual emotions to me, as I am not the jealous or protective type even after what I have been through, but my abuser honestly really pushed my limits. I was so hurt by this, I just wanted to end it. How could he ignore my family, berate me for where I live, and swear to never come to my area again over Gaz, but was there in a heartbeat for Jade. To clarify, I do not think either cheated, obviously, but this showed me where his priorities where. It really bothered me, but I could not voice my frustrations to him, because he slowly started to become more and more vocal with his anger and frustrations.

My abuser was still so keen to me moving in with him, to the point where he tricked me into touring an apartment with him. I did not want to move here, and voiced my concern with him about this horrible idea. and stated multiple times, that I did not have the 1500 deposit the landlord requested. Finally, I just gave up and gave in. I thought moving to a new place would be a good start for me, something I needed, and it was much much closer to my job. This is when the cracks started to really show.

The day we signed the lease, I voiced my concern about payment, which led to him throwing the pen in my car floor board, followed by his phone, and proceeded to stomp it. I was so horrified by his behavior, and yet, I somehow internalized it towards me. This was the first time I ever saw him so angry and upset, so again, I went along with whatever to make him happy, I mean, I was supposed to love and support him right? I paid the full 1000 down, which twisted our next two months rent to be 1000, to help cover the initial deposit that was agreed upon. We had no furniture, no food, and I had such a busy work schedule, but I just wanted to get it set up. My abuser started his new apartment journey by sleeping on the floor. A week later, he yelled at me for buying "nine dollar sushi" at the grocery store across the street, because I had used the wrong card and asked him to go ahead and pay for it and I would find the correct card and pay for his. He continued this argument, and I just became numb for three days because of it. He tried to make me feel bad at every opportunity he could.

I was honestly so sick and in pain around the time of us moving in. He just kept bragging about "his" first apartment. I paid the full deposit, yet everything was just still about him. I was hoping things would cool down after the phone stomping incident, but he began berating me and calling ME ungrateful because I felt sickly and did not want to take a photo with him. This sounds incredibly bitchy, but this was practically the only time he wanted to be the one taking a photo of us, and I simply said no. This led to a buildup of intense anger, to the point where I was shaking. I then agreed to take the photo with him, and I did not look happy at all. My crumbling smile and intense dark circles practically said it all. When it came to moving furniture in, it was never easy. We had no bed, and I really did not feel like moving my huge bed over there. I knew it was going to take a village to do so, and unlike his generationally impoverished family, all of my family members have jobs, and are constantly occupied.

Due to me switching and going off birth control, along with other birth control methods, I have presumed fertility issues, but only due to an irregular cycle pattern. My cycle patterns with my abuser seemed to stay consistent, but I can tell you, I was not looking to become pregnant. I really hate exposing myself in such a long & detailed post, but I do have a breeding kink, along with some other sexual interests he berated me for, comparing me to his ex, Gaz, who I presumed was asexual or sex repulsed. In all honesty, I did not care what her sexual interests or libido was like, but my abuser made sure to make it a conversation topic almost always, especially when intoxicated, which he frequently was. My cycle was finally straightened out, but I still had ovulation or PMS related pains. One day, it was extremely severe, I could not walk at work, which is basically all my job consisted of. My abuser demanded I call him by a certain time, on my lunch, which I did. I repeatedly called him, and did not understand why he was not picking up, and I became increasingly frustrated due to my prolonging uterine pain and my time being wasted. I was also starving myself at this time, ignoring my hormonal cravings due to my weight gain and poor body image. I became incredibly ill after New Years, possibly due to eating Sheetz food after I starved at his mother's home for two days. I'd honestly say I lost about five to ten pounds during this time. My abuser did not care. He was happy I was not eating, I assume because he can only be attracted to pre-pubescent bodies.

He always went out of his way to mention my fertility,

I told him I had to go, and my lunch was almost over and I was in pain. He proceeded to pelt me with these texts.

At this point, I knew I made a mistake. It was too late to fix it, but I should have just gave up and ghosted right there. That is an act I hate to do, but it would have saved me so much trouble, and a lot of trauma. He continued this pointless argument for over two days, even after he apologized. It only continued to get worse, with him picking apart every little thing I was saying. I feel like everybody hated me in our area, and in turn, I turned on hating them. Even two girls I went to school with, and was friends/acquaintances with for years. He was always more worried about his commute to work a 2 hour a night job then my sleep schedule, as me having to go in at 5am simply inconvenienced him.

Besides us sadly sharing a lease together, (I use that term lightly, seeing as I paid for everything) the fact I was friends with his family and we basically shared somewhat of a social circle is what tied us together the most. I had my own friends from my area, and I had been casual friends with them. I say casual, as I always felt like an outcast, and I grew older, I was surely tied of their ways, and the drama. These issues would come full circle as all his family did was fight. I now realize my abuser honestly had no true friends like I did, nobody close. This in turn, made him incredibly jealous and hostile towards my friends, and even towards my family. So he is all I felt I had. I felt bad for turning my back on everyone, I kept casual contact with him, but after a while. I quit responding, and everyone knew something was up. It was depression. I've been through very short and sporadic depression spouts before, but this was a prolonged period, because of him. I was unhappy at work, I was unhappy being at "home". That apartment never felt like home, even after my bed was finally moved there. I started to feel less and less loved, and move used every single day. My self esteem plummeted immensely.

It was not long before he took hostage of my playstation, and spent money on a membership as he continued to not help with food or rent, and even power. I would have to come home on my lunch break everyday, and quickly consume a cup of ramen, courtesy of his mom, a month ago, who bought our only groceries most of which he ate in a day.

Everything in his world revolved around marijuana, cigarettes, or alcohol. Things really started to get worse between us in late January and February. Money was running low, and he became increasingly angry and frustrated with me everyday. I came home to him, my abuser, and the source of all my sadness. I felt like a prisoner, a prisoner who was stuck in immense debt in regards to rent. Around this time, a friend started to come over frequently, we will call him Clingy.

Clingy was over when we picked my abuser up. My abuser was heated because I posted an ad-like Facebook post looking for someone to go to a Valentines dinner with, as he refused. He was constantly texting me, but I was on the phone, with my ex. I am aware of how bad this makes me sound, but I was reaching out to him for at least some happiness, but mostly advice on how to get out and get away from my abuser quickly and safely, without losing people I thought were my friends. I now realize I should have ditched not only my abuser, but his associates and "mutual" friends a long time ago. It would have made my life so much easier. My abuser then began to punch my bathroom door repeatedly, and throw things. Out of embarrassment and holding back tears and not wanting to spend another night with him, I packed my filthy jansport bag and left, quickly. Clingy then relayed this information to my abuser's brother and girlfriend, when they caught news of me refusing to leave him, they "cut me off". I felt so controlled and alone, and they simply did not understand, I could not leave my abuser, because I was scared of him. If I was going to leave him, it would have to be in a rush. I would simply have to go no contact, or I knew he would begin to tarnish my reputation and try to ruin my life.

Things became really bad when I had to buy his secret santa gift for a girl at his job, I virtually had no money left. I took him to the fancy hotel for his dinner, only for him to berate me for cleaning the house. While cleaning, I found a large butcher knife in my side of the closet. It was sticking out at a weird angle. I questioned him about this, half jokingly, because I thought it was funny, but I was still scared. Around this time, I could feel my brain "splitting" like I was transforming into somebody else. I simply was not myself and my friends recognized that too. They only lived 30 minutes way but I missed them so much.

My abuser was yet to actually invite his family over, including his brother and our mutual friend, his girlfriend, to the apartment. The first person he invited over was his ex, Jade. He invited her over multiple times, and always had some excuse for her to be over. I was never at the apartment during these times, but I was told "Jade and her Partner" came over. As me and Jade would go on to later connect, I discovered this was a lie. I had no issues with Jade coming over believe it or not, but if he did not have any nefarious purpose or reasoning for her being over, why did he blatantly lie to me several times about the time she was over and if her partner accompanied her or not. I surely heard about this from his (sadly) soon to be sister in law at my job, and she was a tad heated (but seriously, when wasn't she? I get tired of being around miserable and angry people). So I told my abuser this. Little did I know, his father, who was our neighbor, was acquiring the landlord to obtain two trespassing warrants, one against my abuser's mother, and another one against my abuser's older brother, who is of course from a different father, in regards to some drama that occurred on Facebook. Instead of being honest, he told me and Clingy this information, but would not reveal it to his family. My abuser told them I was "talking shit" about them and saying they all hated him, instead of simply telling them the truth, which of course brought me into it. He even crafted a lie that Clingy was the one telling me that his brother had an issue with him. I never said that, as Clingy did not rely any information like that to me. This caused a huge fight, and ended up with us fighting, due to something he started. I called his mom, talked stuff out with her, she made me feel loved and safe. I felt like I could trust her, and I told her that her son never hit me or laid a hand on me, but that we were just not getting along. She gave me the advice to take a break and work. it out. He complained to me that Jade said our ceilings were too low. I grasped him and said "why do you give a fuck what they think", and went in for a hug, he shoved me up against the wall and asked me why I had to be such a bitch all the time, even though he knew I meant what I said in an endearing way. At this point, I started to loathe Jade and her presumed snooty comments.

I came home, to him seething. We fought, and it ended up with me crying and trying to make it work. Looking back, I simply feel like such a fool. I truly loved this person and was fighting to make it work, but everything I said, he rerooted back into an argument about how I was a piece of shit. He called me a sociopath, and talked about how I was fake crying and turning my emotions on and off, when that really was not the case. Talk about self projection.

I suddenly quit caring. I was ready for a break, a vacation. We came to a mutual agreement that it was best for me to take a break. I remember I did shut off the "water-works" as he called them instantly, when I realized, I did not love this person anymore. I mentally clocked out. I began packing my stuff, and he berated me for packing too much. I ran away to my cousins house. When my abuser got this news, he was upset. He inquired why and how I could spend time with my cousin, and possibly drink, and not him, in regards to me not liking alcohol. I simply stated "Because he is my cousin, and I trust him".

No drinking was done that night, I sat on my cousins couch trying to feel like myself again, holding back tears, feeling like the world's biggest idiot for continuing to let these things happen to me. My abuser began texting me, as he obviously did not understand the entire concept of a break. My mothers car broke down, and whether my abuser liked it or not, she as now my main priority. Her car breaking down seemed to be a blessing in disguise however, as I now had a reason to live back with her and share a car, even then, I still planned to pay rent or half rent for the month of March. Like an idiot I went back, the next day. Even that 12-18 hours of freedom I had away from him was simply amazing. Not only was I no longer in love with this monster anymore, I had completely mentally clocked out. It simply felt like we were stuck in a difficult marital arrangement, one I desperately craved to escape from. I came home, he apologized, even tried to hug me, and complimented me on my looks. Two weeks prior, he did not want to have sex and complained about me being "hypersexual", I never once forced sex on him. From the first day of our first break, I was no longer sexually interested in my abuser at all. He made me feel gross, and it honestly disgusted me how I slept with someone who seemed to be horrible and abusive in anyway, he still tried to flirt and fondle me. but it was awful. It came to the point where I dreaded going back to that apartment to spend any amount of time with him, and it became increasingly difficult to do so due to my current vehicle arrangement.

We made up, and everything was okay, but I simply was not in love with him anymore, and was ultimately terrified of leaving. I came home from work once, and felt that disgusting familiar feeling. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, and trying to hide in the other room from him was like playing "the world's most dangerous game". Earlier in the day, while I was at work, he dropped a small cup of Marijuana into the toilet. That was his first complaint when I came home. I assured him it wasn't his fault, which led to him snapping at me. "Just because it isn't my fault, does not mean my weed is going to magically reappear" he stated in his evil snarky tone. I had made plans earlier to bring my childhood best friend over, who lived near my residence, but my abuser was really cramping that, and taking out his drug (nicotene, marijuana) related frustrations out on me. To this day, I still have never been around someone who relied on marijuana THIS badly. I ignored his mean comments and agreed to get him a THC pen, although it was late. I will never forget the stress and anxiety this night put me through. As we were driving to the shop, I had a bad gut feeling, I could feel my insides churning, I was on the verge of crying and I wanted to throw up. It was pure silence, until he stated "you do know these cost $40 right?". I knew exactly how much the pens cost, but at this point I did not care. I knew I had no money left after paying that month's rent. I let out a mousy "yea, I know", which ended with him yelling at me loudly and accusing me of making him feel bad purposely. We pulled into the shop, I gave him MY card, and watched him go up to the door. They were closed, but I was praying. In my head, I was praying, I was back to the little naive six year old church girl I once was, who prayed. I am a spiritual person, but not that spiritual or religious. Tears started streaming down my face, but I had to choke on my own saliva and quit crying quickly, or I would face his wrath. I offered to take him back to the apartment so he would not have to go into my area, because it bothered him so much because of Gaz. In my heart, I really just wanted to get rid of him and spend time with my childhood best friend. We will refer to that friend as Zed. We picked Zed up, who was happy. He knew something was off though, as I was not my usual happy self, and was acting very anxious, as I also kept begging him to find some of his Delta 8 gummies to give to crybaby so he would stop his tyrannical and abusive behavior. It was an awkward car ride back home, with my friend zed updating me on his health status and his seizure disorder. My abuser followed this up with a dead Cameron Boyce joke, and Zed was not happy.

At the apartment, Zed felt immensely uncomfortable. He is not really the type to feel insecure or uncomfortable, perhaps a little anxious maybe, but he knew something was off. I was scared to tell him, and I was even scared to whisper to him what exactly was going on. I put up such a front that I was happy, but I was not. My abuser grew increasingly annoyed with me and Zed telling childhood stories and events, and talking about old high school memories. Around this time, I even started to crack a smile, and for the first time in a month, I legitimately felt happy. My abuser quickly got up and went to leave the room, but at this point I did not care. I was no longer scared. Zed is 6'4, and I am not going to describe their weight in this context, but they are certainly not someone to mess with, but I have always seen them as a goofy gentle giant, and I feel my abuser was intimidated by his stance. My abuser walked back into the room, and accidentally knocked over his projector in the living room. He then threw his phone down and started swearing again, I was no longer calm and relaxed, and was anxious again, anxious of what was to come. He then pouted in our bedroom. I mouthed the words to Zed "Gaz was right he is CRAZY"! Zed used the bathroom and begged me to take him back home, upon entering the bathroom, he noticed our piss stained toilet and mocked my abuser's ability to aim. The bathroom and overall apartment only got worse when I wasn't there, and my abuser would constantly piss on the rim with the toilet seat up, at this point, I completely lost my voice and was scared to say anything. This fear would continue, I always made sure to call a male friend or family member (namely my cousin) on the phone when I entered and exited the apartment. At this point, I was paying for a vacation or getaway location, I was barely there, and only went there so my abuser would stop consistently accusing me of cheating on him. Zed and I rode around our county for what felt like hours, and even though I was exhausted, I did NOT want to go back to what I dare called home, I wanted to stop at my mother's and spend the night, but all of my belongings were at the apartment. When I came home, my abuser lightly accused me of cheating on him, and was sitting up wide awake seething, and at this point, he truly scared me. I did not end up sleeping good that night.

Our relationship got worse, at least for me. I assume I was just really good at faking it. I came home to him installing LED lights in our room, and he made them flash. It hurt my eyes, and he got mad I stated it. He stated "you see these lights, well they are staying on during sex". When he said that, I felt my stomach churn. How could someone who treated me so horribly and acted like I was such a terrible sight to look at, and a sex crazed monster even though he initiated nearly all of our sexual encounters, even think about or mention sex?" I thought. There was no way in hell I would ever be intimate with him again, I was still mentally clocked out by this point. I still truly felt trapped, we had more frequent "breaks", and everytime I was away from him, I felt happy. During these points in the break, I even considered cheating. I was going to get out of this relationship one way or another, and I even joked about faking my death to my mom.

I left my abuser on February 13th. We were officially split. I thought the split was amicable, but every time I tried to have an amicable split, he thought I would take him back. I left him after he became increasingly more rude to a Walmart cashier over a mistake he kept making. This was NOT the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Before that, he rushed me around the store, and became increasingly frustrated with me because I ran into my female childhood best friend's current partner. We were catching up. She was pregnant at this time, so of course I wanted to see how my friend was doing. He did not like this. I will be elaborating further in a seperate post.

#abuse #relationshipabuse #long reads #toxic relationship #toxic behavior #domesticviolence #hurt #anxiety

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