#Only what I'm meant to be doing
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#I think most people my age are still figuring out who they are#But for me#There's never been a shred of doubt as to who I am#Only what I'm meant to be doing#It's... Something#Knowing yourself and trying to improve that version of you but not knowing how a career ties in with any of it at all#Just... Thinking out loud 🤔#I guess one could argue that part of discovering yourself is finding a fit career path too#But I don't have any desires or wants or ambitions like that#It's scary#I just want to support the people I love#And a career is the means that'll help me achieve that#Tired#Wish I wanted more for myself tbh#Wonder what that's like
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You're in your room in the House of Lamentation, held down by the Avatar of Lust. He's got you secured in place just the way he wants you - back against the bed, face up towards the ceiling, eyes closed for the moment. He sits on your stomach with a brush in hand. Two heavy pouches are on your chest containing everything from basic moisturizer to specialized lip oils in a rainbow of colors.
"Just going to blend this a bit here," Asmodeus murmurs to himself. He adds another layer of eye shadow while returning to his story, recounting the time he watched a Little D try to rob a pastry shop. Absolutely hilarious, it was like a comedy sketch. You feel the gentle yet purposeful dab of the brush tugging at your skin and wonder if Asmodeus can see you blushing under the foundation he applied.
Every couple of minutes, he rakes his nails over your head as if moving hair aside. Powder is sprinkled on your face, making your nose tickle. You twitch and sniffle.
"Ah-ah! Patience!" he chides. The weight on your stomach shifts and the offending dust is blown off by a warm gust of Asmodeus' breath. It smells like berries. The sensation lingers on your mind more than the setting powder.
"Just leave everything to me. Your eyes are done now, so... Part your lips a little?"
His thumb is already on your lower lip, the rest of his fingers cupping your chin. You hear the clinking of glass as he roots around for something in the makeup bag. His pinky finger taps against your neck to the unmistakable rhythm of his favorite song. "That's my dear. Juuust like that."
His story now done, Asmodeus moves on to talking about his plans for the rest of the week. He's expecting a package from a new brand deal that's already been delayed twice and the company refuses to apologize. "Can you believe that?"
Your lips are wet and sticky from a fresh coat of... something artificially sweet. You don't respond, but his question was rhetorical anyway. On a whim, you flutter your eyes open. Asmodeus is leaning over you like a master craftsman lost in the trance of work. He's so close that the ceiling is totally obscured and you can almost make out your reflection in his pupils. It takes until he finishes swabbing something on your philtrum to notice that you're focused his way.
The instant he meets your gaze is obvious. He cracks a stunning smile, his face softens. He sets his tools aside, lining them up next to you. You feel his legs tighten around your ribs and he chokes back a giggle.
"Aah! I can't take this. You're so kissable, but that'd ruin all the work I just did! You're a sinful human, you know that?"
Asmodeus seems to be mulling over something in his head, but the way you smirk in response sends him over the edge. His lips are meeting yours. His palm hoists up the back of your head so he can make more skin contact without smearing your cheeks. The bags in his way prevent him from going overboard, but there's pressure on your chest as he pushes down to see just how far he can go.
With a final "mmph," he pulls away so you can breathe again, taking pleasure in the way your body moves to gasp down air. You wonder exactly what he's painting on your face, as his lips are a bright pink reminiscent of his sin color.
"There! Now we match."
#this was only meant to be like 3 sentences help. what do you mean i've been typing this for an hour and a half.#hiatus for the next week as I'll be at another con! i'll be a guest judge and busy the whole time.#obey me swd#obey me!#obey me scenarios#omswd#obey me shall we date#hey i know that people dislike a lot of tags so if i'm overusing tags pls let me know uwu#obey me x mc#obey me x reader#obey me asmodeus x mc#obey me asmodeus x reader#obey me asmo x reader#obey me asmo x mc#obey me asmodeus#obey me asmodeus x you#obey me x you#obey me fluff#obey me fanfic#obey me fandom#obey me drabble#obey me imagines#om! asmodeus#obey me#obey me x gn!reader
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ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:
i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???
#ramble#sorry i'm currently in a phase of 'of course this happened' and 'oh i deserve this because i didn't give him what he wanted'#like he knew i was grey ace since the start. and he let it go on for SO long after i said i might be vaguely aro as well#if that's a dealbreaker for you bc of your love language then FINE but NIP IT IN THE BUD#he said he put it off because he didn't want to hurt my feelings but it only hurt me MORE#like you're an adult. grow the fuck up and communicate like one#holding your negative feelings in hoping somebody notices you're hiding them is what TEENAGERS do#and also i told him VERBATIM: i didn't think anyone would ever love me because i'm not comfortable with xyz. and he just confirmed that#idk i still feel like i'm being selfish because how could i expect someone to be in a relationship with me when i can't give them anything#also tmi but it's not like we did NOTHING. we still held hands/cuddled/were close. he just didn't have his tongue down my throat anymore#so obviously i'm assuming by 'missing affection' he just meant sex and as an ace person that just fucking sucks#also oh my god i HATED how much he would imply we were going to have sex. i would have to keep SAYING 'i don't like doing this'#he always spoke like it was inevitably going to happen and it didn't click how GROSS i felt about it until recently#also ALSO not to go there but i never told him WHY i struggle with it (it's sensory issues)#and like. what if something had happened to me that made it hard for me and i just wasn't ready to tell him. and then he did this#again sorry to overshare this is still just a lot for me and i have no idea if i'm being unreasonable#if you're ace and in a relationship please let me know bc i'm starting to think it'll end this way every single time
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Yuuji's ''I'm going to die with him'' from the start of the series to ''Sukuna, Come back and live with me '' at the end is, honestly, very beautiful.
"Let's try again one more time Sukuna, but this time, without cursing anyone. Even if no one else accepts you, I'll live with you" do you understand what's going on here? This is Yuuji attempting to connect with Sukuna, to show a certain compassion that is entirely alien to Sukuna. To the way he delicately lifts Sukuna's remains, with such carefulness, as if holding the remains of a precious loved one, Yuuji tries to show Sukuna "love". The same "love" that has been teased to us this entire series, that who is it that will show it to Sukuna, teach him of it.
This is the same Yuuji, who, at the beginning of the series held absolute disdain towards Sukuna, and always looked at him with much accusatory contempt and mistrust. At that point, He truly did think of Sukuna as nothing more than a "curse". The same "curse" Sukuna calls himself one last time as the last embers of his soul fade in Yuuji's hands.
But this time, Yuuji has a troubled look in his eyes.
As if he disagreed with him.
This is the look of someone, who is looking at the Humanity Sukuna does not believe exists within himself.
Humanity that Sukuna denies himself.
That Sukuna is not a curse, but a human that has been cursed.
#ooc#sukuna#ryomen sukuna#itadori#yuji#yuji itadori#jjk#jjk manga#character analysis#appreciation post#jujutsu kaisen#manga#king of curses#itadori yuji#sorry i did NOT mean to write another huge post i only meant to write the first initial paragraph but then yknow what happens..#the post writes itself#and i truly do not have any control over it#man i have some pent up feelings on this subject because i'm currently drawing something related to it and its hitting the feels lowkey#this is me trying to focus on the food gege DID give us the rest i will fill up with my hc#anywhos did you guys know Sukuna and Yuuji's dynamics are extremely important to me?
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Quackity: These past days I've been in many calls, and I'm not done yet. I've spoken to a lot of people and creators. I've read your comments and I'm well aware of what needs to be done to carry out this project. I want to tell you all, beforehand, that for me the team's well-being is fundamental. I'm very involved in this topic to sort it out and I want to make that very clear. I want to tell you something... I want to tell you all that the administrative staff responsible for so much harm to the project has been fired. Specifically, those who made decisions without my permission, affecting the administrative and financial area of the project. Consequently, after this, I was in charge of doing a financial analysis that's carrying out for the QSMP.
Guys, to be really honest, it was not going to last. Therefore, I've had to make deep drastic structural changes that have lead me to reduce the performance of the server down to the most essential, and this is in order to ensure the well being of everyone involved in it. Having said this, I want to give a very important update: I want to let you all know that the QSMP will have to slow down temporarily. This is to ensure this new structure adapts to the project, because it's a restructuring that's taking place. I'm letting you know, and I reiterate, there are no voluntary positions inside the QSMP.
At the moment, there will not be any more individual update accounts of all 5 existing languages in the project. In any case, during this transition, there's going to be a temporal absence of all Eggs and NPCs. I know these are difficult changes, and I repeat, it's temporary until we adjust to these new conditions that will improve the performance of this new structure that's being made from scratch, both in the administrative and financial part. I'd like to reintegrate people fro the QSMP as time goes by if a financial viability can be found for the project Taking advantage of this update to tell you guys that within the changes of the server as it is, creators will have full control of their lore and stories. The team will not intervene in the way that it was being done. Moreover, efforts will be made to change the competitive dynamics inside the game so as to ease up the game style for the creators. Like I'm saying, all of these changes, and more, are being carrying out to have the project as best as possible, and they're being done little by little. This is a whole new structure that will ensure the best continuity and experience for the creators, the community and the team behind.
Guys, I want to make very clear that this is restructuring process, and again, it's not a fast one. The server being open does not mean everything's perfect, I understand that very well. Conversations will keep taking place, communication will continue and the constant improvement of the project as well. I ask, please, for everyone's patience and understanding regarding all changes. Please do wait for official announcements since a lot of incomplete and incorrect information is being spread. I want to tell you all something- if you don't trust in these changes or have many doubts about it, and don't want to consume any more of the project's content, I understand 100%. I have a personal commitment with the QSMP and I will work until it functions in the way it is supposed to do.
Lastly, I want to let you know that it was being worked on for months on finalizing the integration of Korean creators to the QSMP. For that reason, tomorrow we will be welcoming the new Korean creators of the QSMP, of course, taking into account all the changes I've just mentioned. I hope you can give the new Korean members warm welcome to the project. And as you know, their schedules are earlier. For everyone who would like to watch, they will be joining at 11am Mexico time and at 9am US time. Basically, I wanted to give that update regarding everything that's being done within the project. Again, thank you for your patience and understanding- these are necessary changes and I'm glad they're being done now. And many more things will keep being adjusted.
via @QuackitySubs
#Quackity#QSMP#QSMP Official#Translated#This is very long and I bolded parts to make it easier to read#but if there's a way to make it more accessible to folks lemme know!#I personally find the bolding thing helpful but I know everyone is different#Edit: got rid of the additional ''Quackity:'' bolded parts since that's unnecessary#since. you know. he's the only one speaking here#Quackity Subs also missed a few words in here so I added those in but otherwise this is exactly what was posted#Minus the part where they said ''fro''#I don't know if they meant for or from but that's a very vital difference so I'm leaving that as-is#IMO: It's reassuring hearing the full statement#''Please do wait for official announcements since a lot of incomplete and incorrect information is being spread''#is an especially important reminder#There has unfortunately been a lot of misinformation and catastrophizing / doomposting going around#I understand it's a very scary stressful time for many people#and it sucks being told to be patient#but we actually DO need to be patient if we want to get actual accurate information
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#Saw a man bite straight through a chicken bone on YouTube.#I was gripped. In awe.#A jaw strength rivaled only by - I thought to myself - Present Mic#can't even remember how I got onto the video but it's stuck with me ever since#he had a captivating positive vibe. I would enjoy a meal with him. The chicken looked a little underdone though#bnha#mha#shouta aizawa#hizashi yamada#present mic#bnha comic#not even technically a comic this bad boy is two slides#always thinking about the rooftop gang naming Sushi like 'whats everyones favourite food?'#and Yamada says 'fried chicken' like that would be the best name for a cat- actually. you know what. that is a pretty good name for a cat#Might call my next tarantula Fried Chicken. Who knows?#Edited the last panel to take out the speech bubble cause it looked like I was implying it was weird to eat bone marrow#But I meant the entire bone itself like the crunchy bit#But apparently they do that in some places so I thought that it might come across as a bit insensitive and I didnt wanna get cancelled.#eat bones if you want I would love to eat bones but I'm a coward#It's not really a thing in the UK I don't think. I've never seen anyone do it. I guess we just produce a lot of food waste.#so nobody was going to tell me you could eat bones? I just had to find out myself on Youtube?
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Wearing your boyfriend's jacket
#for the anon asking who would wear it#any one of my characters WOULD wear it#its just a matter of how...#you dont understand my passion for fashion and what this means ok#it means an article of clothing is not about the clothing at all#its about how it fits and what it goes with and how you choose to wear it#a shirt is not just a shirt its a part of a whole...#I'm so passionate about this... it doesnt really show in my comics but thats mostly cause. there is only so much time I can devote to thing#anyways#adam is able to make anything look good#and steve is able to make anything seem like hes owned it for 10 years#they can both wear anything but in extremely different ways...#anyways this was a nice little break#its been hard HAHAHAHHA not gonna lie having an extremely rough time#I so so so do not want to return working for webtoon#I need you to know I am ONLY doing this for my readers#because I could use more time. I could use forever away from webtoon#but. I want to see the comic through! and so I will.#I'm so tired of them...#and also still frustrated by people being like 'is this ever coming back' and all that#but its fine. its coming back I'm working on it...#and its good.. its gonna be so good......#time and time again#ttawebcomic#adam and steve#sketch#I JUST REALIZED I SAID ANON...#I MEANT ASK#my brain just calls all asks anon
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birthday boy 🎂
#river dipping#theodore doe#matthias evanoff#a burning house to live in#echthroi#ts4#ts4 edit#simblr#ts4 screenshots#theo i hope you're having the most insane birthday sex rn i hope it's ******** and ***** and ***'** **** *** **** ***** :)<3#sorry i put off making your birthday edit for so long that i had to pivot and post this edit instead of the one i wanted </3#...very funny how similar this is to that LAST render i posted... well so WHAT!! if i think matthias looming is sexy!!#this is based on a photo that everyone was drawing their ocs as so really it's not MY fault he's back there clinging and being a freak#actually if y'all want this pose lmk... i'll share it but fyi it's only meant to be seen from the waist up and idk how it'd look#on a sim that doesn't have the same muscle mass and like. bulk. that matthias has......................................#just got rock hard after typing that... anyway.#HAPPY BIRTHDAY THEO <333333333 LOVE YOU SO MUCH I PROMISE I'M GONNA KEEP WORKING ON THE //ACTUAL// BIRTHDAY EDIT!! like .#posted abt this on the sideblog but the real edit i have planned for him is making me lose my fucking gourd#and it'll probably take me :))) a few more days to figure out#expect a depressing theo-as-a-teenager edit eventually tho. with writing!! accompanying it!!#matthias's face has changed again btw 😭 i redid it almost immediately after i posted that first render attempt so he looks DIFFERENT!!#i posted screenshots of him in cas just the other day on my other acc and he looks so good in them i might post them here too#oh and!! this edit looks massively different than my last because this screenshot was taken with a new preset i made specifically for#the real birthday edit i'm working on... it's a hallway scene so i figured out depth and density to get this really cool fog effect#i'm really excited for it!! in my head the way it looks makes me crazy but idk if i can pull it off properly. but like i WAS SAYING!!#new preset is sooo sexy after i post this i'll reblog with the before and after to show you how good it looks even w/o any editing#like. the colors....... literally have always wanted a preset like this i'm so glad i spent yesterday fucking around with it#ALSO!! i've been doing those oc/ship dynamic templates for fun recently so i might post a few of them here soon#realize i'm rambling so much in these tags bc i haven't been here in forever kfjnkfjhn ummmmm. let me stop.#EVERYONE WISH THEO HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIGHT NOW 🫵‼
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#wind waker#loz#zelda#beedle#linktober#link#aquanutart#day 1: merchant#i really liked beedle in the wind waker he just always seemed so genuinely enthusiastic and happy to see you#i thought his compliment card was hilarious. i always bought a lot of bait anyway to complete my sea chart#and because i liked messing around as a bird i guess i'd buy hyoi pears; so i always racked up enough points without really trying#however i wasn't a fan of what they did with his character in games after that. he became pressuring and insincere#i understand why people would find a two-faced salesman character funny or interesting in his own right#but it's the opposite of what i originally liked about him#unfortunately this makes me question whether it was meant that way to begin with?#i don't know but i like to believe wind waker beedle actually meant his enthusiasm#back when ww beedle was the only beedle i always meant to show appreciation for him so i'm doing that now
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some fanart of THE vampire that owns the night🫰
#my art#noliaert#fanart#artists on tumblr#amc iwtv#iwtv amc#louis de pointe du lac#okay okay so- I kinda really wanted to do his glasses again! And! the E8 coat (& hair)- but what if I did it during the modern day??#incorperating a yellow-green color for the jacket (claudia + his eyes) + a white/pale fishnet shirt AKA getting his pastels back in#and ofc reincoperating the pearl pin from his neckties in S1 as an earring instead#this one's actually... sort of... part of other pieces... not directly#but in that I only meant to try make easier pieces for myself or- pieces that I didn't have to feel so perfectionist about. aka. sketchy#and it lowkey it got to me trying to make a piece based on every colour of the og pride flag#idk if I'll stick to it lol#but practicing with colours and all#so this one majorly got green and purples. though it was meant to be overhwlemingly purple but anyway#also- I'm actually pretty happy with the sketch I made with no ref but since I “finished” it I'm posting this one#ldpdl#ldpdl fanart#amc interview with the vampire#iwtv fanart
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vampire boyfriends!!!
#narureno#narumi gen#ichikawa reno#kn8#my art#blood#are you guys aware that narureno both have official illustrations of them as vampires....#the only vampires in the bunch.....#they're meant to be is what i'm saying#also reno's eyes do be looking more pink than violet in the official art....#I'm onto something here i can feel it#ANYWAYS this is ancient vampire master narumi and newly turned baby vampire reno au#reno is a feral little mess#narumi will teach him the vampire ways don't worry
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What would you choose? :0c
(note: original image is from HERE (link) - but I edited it to add a wider variety of options.. also added $3 extra to the total, even though I know that makes it more uneven lol, I thought if you're adding 10 whole extra items, the money to spend should at least be increased slightly, if that makes sense..)
#I would get orange juice. black coffee. AND iced coffee ($3) because I love the variety of having multiple drinks#then sausage and scrambled eggs ($8). Then sauteed mushrooms ($3)....AND... hrm.. then spending the remaining $4 would be hard#I wish I could get waffles (as they are my favorite and are superior in every way compared to pancakes. donuts. etc.) but I'm not willing#to give up the other savory things just to get them. so... then maybe I could get a biscuit or english muffin? and just put jam or#honey butter or something on it so it can be my replacement 'sweet and bready' thing instead of something from the $5 row??#OR I could also just assume that having the orange juice plus iced coffee would provide enough of a 'sweet element' to the meal#(since I largely prefer savory foods. I only like a tiny bit of sweet added for variety) and thus forego any sort of#'bready' thing entirely and just get the bowl of beans/onion/tomato (I'd leave the avocado since I don't like the#texture of them really lol). THEN I'd have $1 left to get the milk or the black tea... increasing my total of random drinks..#which is always the goal of course.. as a chronic ''person who is sipping at 5 different drinks at their desk simultaneously always'' perso#OR... I could just do.. waffle. scrambled eggs. sausage. mushrooms. and black coffee and orange juice.. which is... okay variety#augh... so difficult.. As my Ideal Breakfast is like a buffet type thing or something where you have like 25 different things to choose fro#and can get a little tiny bit of everything. My eating style is very much like.. I'd rather pick at a small amount of a ton of#different things than just have a very large amount of only one or two things. Thats why I LOVE sample platter type stuff.#So it's like... augh... the ideal option would be a tiny portion of EVERYTHING actually lol...#Difficult to choose...#ANYWAY.. Also no idea why I added croissant instead of bagel. I only thought about that afterwards. I do actually like bagels.#I've only ever even had a croissant like 2 times in my entire life. Yet I've had many bagels. For some reason it stuck out in my mind more#when I was considering 'essential breakfast foods' somehow... how could I forget them... bagels my beloved...#Blame it on the hot weather... 'What in the blazes? The sun hath obliterated the concept of bagels from my miind!'#(< meant to be said in a silly overdramatic elderly wizard accent or something)#Also I don't think ''bowl of beans. onion. avocado. and tomatos.'' is necessarily a breakfast classic or something gbhjjh#but I was just trying to think of a versatile vegetable-ish side that could be full of common breakfast additions#so people could do stuff like ''oh I get the toast option and then the bowl of stuff and I put the avocado on the toast'' etc.#Like a mix and match. You could mix ingredients from different parts. You could put scrambled eggs and bacon and onion#on the bread or soemthing. etc. I just feel like something is always missing if a Full Breakfast Spread#doesnt have some sort of onions or beans or mushrooms or asparagus or spinach like... some sort of thing that isn't just eggs and meat and#bread.. you know? lol..#But then again.. I am the Sampling Plate Style Variety Lover and Tiny Portion Of Food Picker so maybe thats just a me thing.
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I'd probably have to read the printed version and web version back to back at some point to note all the differences but... ough
#sorry i'm going to be excited about this comic for the next month#nofna#okay having finished this now--#and sorry if this doesn't make sense to anyone who's completely unfamiliar with this comic in advance-#the 'popcorn ending' (printed version) is nice to see but i think the web version hits harder. if that makes sense#so i'm kinda tied on which ending i 'prefer'- i think both are good though#also considering i've read the web version a good 4-5 times and the printed version only once- i probably can't make that judgement yet#easy answer- i do like Nutsedge :] so it's nice to see the ending where nothing bad happens to her#but also- NT suddenly becoming a greenie-esque villain out of nowhere felt a little jarring#as well as SV suddenly turning a corner and becoming a 'good guy' (arguable)- considering the first three books are about#/him being too stubborn to change or accept any outside worldviews . Him suddenly coming to his senses felt out of place#<- probably biased because i like characters being bitter to the end and ultimately destroyed by their own hubris#the web version is probably‚ objectively‚ a bit better#but -#(spoilers- if you're planning to drop ~70 bucks on getting these books)#the conceit of SV actually perfecting his style‚ using it once‚ and then immediately getting tooth-brained- was pretty cool#assuming it's meant to parallel him spending months tormented by trying to perfect it while something's still missing-#and then dying before he can narrate it to the audience‚ so that we never know what he figured out.#hard to articulate these thoughts but tl;dr- popcorn ending also had a lot to think about
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Bandee and Starstruck 🎀💖
starting off my february starstruck dee ship-a-ganza with the big one. they do seem like... the obvious answer, huh...?
they have far and away the most development together and the strongest personal relationship, both in what i've posted, and in her story overall! would kill or die for each other in a heartbeat. i would be absolutely lying if i said i'd never thought about it, but i'm not 100% convinced my thoughts lead me to romance specifically...
they're already pretty insane about each other! starstruck in particular is madly in love with bandee in every way it's possible to be. loves him the way he loves kirby, i think (pretty sure he does not know this. might be shocked to learn it.)
however she's daft as bricks, so he'd have to initiate, and i can't really imagine anything in their relationship would change.... so he'd have to mostly want The Title or the Performance one way or another, and i'm not super sure he would!
#so... this comic is canon to her storyline and is meant to be read as platonic friendship for now!#but i'd be v interested to hear anyone else's thoughts on this pairing in particular!! COULD it be romo??? like.. sure! but how?#i think it would be super cute. but HOW?? i'm just kinda stuck. they're already nuts about each other. what else is there? qpp maybe.#loves him the way he loves kirby. devoutly. viscerally.#the spot carved out of your heart that's just the right size. pulse beating someone else's tune. it's not your palm you know best.#do you get what i'm saying. someone please read these tags and respond i gotta know i'm not the only one#'starflung is all your prose like /that/' yeah sorry. and this is why i don't share my writing lmao. pretentious loser#starstruck dee#bandana waddle dee#my art#my comics#🎀💖
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Since I'm digging myself a hole tonight, I kind of actively hate the "But I am ready for something, and I think maybe that something could be with you."
Like, my first instinct was that it was sweet and that Buck was taking back a little bit of agency there and asking for what he wanted.
But I don't know. In so many ways, it also actually feels like it feeds into a very unhealthy pattern for Buck.
I mean, I might just be projecting because I cannot imagine ever being so infatuated with someone that I'd be like "I want to try a relationship with you" after only knowing them for 30 seconds and being left on the curb after a failed first date, but I digress.
But just. I don't know. This feels like such a pattern for Buck. Have someone express interest, only to then be rejected (Abby, Taylor, Natalia, now Tommy) and then chase them that much harder.
Like, Buck. Darling. PLEASE. Your value is not defined by the people for whom you have to prove your worth.
And I don't even mean this as anything directly against these partners. But Buck gets so caught up in forcing a relationship that he speedruns things without actually giving anyone (including himself) any space to grow into it, and it just feels kind of devastating that that's still where he is with himself.
#this man has not worked through a single issue in his life#like baby please go back to therapy#what does it say about him that his healthiest relationship seems to have been with ali who was the most forgettable of all love interests?#also i know i'm not saying anything new here#but it just. makes me sad.#that he can't see that he needs to give himself space and grow into something meaningful#like. i don't know. i guess people do this#but as someone whose only meaningful relationship took something like a year to grow into#i just cannot imagine wanting something like a romantic connection with someone i'd barely just met#so buck's insistence on going the distance IMMEDIATELY with any potential romantic partner even after (sometimes multiple) rejection(s)#is. a lot.#but again i know i'm projecting#i just. don't get it.#and i feel for him because it's so clear how much he wants something meaningful but he just will not give himself the space to grow into it#anti bucktommy#anti tommy kinard#just in case#this isn't actually meant to be anti but i feel like it would be read that way#911 discourse#random 911 thoughts
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"Colin should have grovelled more!" "Penelope folded too easily"
I think statements like this typically come from people who like Penelope. . .but don't really understand her. And don't really understand just why she cares for Colin, and just why him groveling would not in any way bring her peace.
Penelope and Colin are kindred spirits in their loneliness, in season 3 more than any others. Penelope had lost her friendship with Eloise, and Colin didn't really have a close friend circle to begin with. Except with Pen. Pen was the person he could put the mask down for, could open up to, (in particular with their 'dreams' discussion) and that's why he couldn't even entertain the idea of giving up talking to her in Season 2. She is a vital part of his life, and holds so much significance and importance to him.
I imagine that's what made their silence over his travels especially painful for him. They spent such a long time talking after Season 1, and he even informs her that her letters were so encouraging, that it helped him heal something inside of himself. That if she could see him in a gentle way. . .so could he. (And he repays this, because he is honest to god out here acting and looking at her like she hung the moon in the sky). But without her presence in his life, he spiraled. Didn't feel confident in being who he is, and thus put on his persona more firmly. We know this because he wrote in his journal that "I want to be less needy, less insecure, while still maintaining the core of my vulnerability that makes me who I am". That he misses his family, that he misses home.
And we know, from the books, that Home? Home is Penelope. Penelope is his North Star, is his guiding force, and who I argue he feels he needs. In his very first scene, he looks toward her house, tries to find her in the window. When he does not, he returns to his family. In the outdoor gathering, he looks for her and finds her, eager to talk. He states aloud that he misses her, and I imagine he wrote it, too. Not hearing back from her over the course of his travels was surely something that hurt him, but he doesn't hold any ill will toward her for it, only wants to reconnect again. In fact, the one and only time he brings up how he misses her and that she didn't respond, she makes very clear the reason why: she heard what he said and it hurt her. And he's ashamed of it.
Colin hears her call him cruel, and instead of ruffling his feathers about it, instead of getting upset, instead of having a chip on his shoulder as I feel so many men would about it. . .he understands why she does so.
Penelope is a woman who has been largely treated poorly in her society. She feels unheard, she feels undesired, and in her circumstances, and I can't help but ask myself. . .has anyone ever truly apologized to Penelope for hurting her, before? Her mother? Her sisters? Eloise, likely, but. . .anyone else? And the way Colin did? Because of all the characters in the show, Colin? Colin knows how to apologize. He has a lot of practice in it. And very importantly: Colin, a man of privilege in his society, apologizes. . .predominately to women. To Marina, to his mother, and multiple times to Penelope.
Ultimately, Penelope wants to be heard, Penelope wants to be understood, Penelope wants to feel desired.
And Colin checks every single one of those boxes. He informs he is not who he was before, and then he proves it to her. He hears that he hurt her, and he comments on it directly. An entire night apart, and he comes back to her 'Because I embarrass you' with 'I am most certainly not ashamed of you', replies to her 'I am a laughingstock' with 'you are clever, and warm, and I am proud to call you my good friend'. He hears her proclaim her own insecurities, and empathizes so deeply with her. He listens. He understands. He makes clear that he cares for her, and that she *is* desired. 'You lift my spirits' 'I seek you out at every social assembly'. That she helps him see the world in ways he loves, that he sees HER and how much she has cared for HIM, that she makes him feel appreciated, that he appreciates her, in turn.
And then? Then? He shows her. He tells her, and he shows her. His actions all throughout Season 3 reinforce this apology. He continues looking for her in every corner of every ballroom, he continues complimenting her, he laughs at her jokes and respects her boundaries, he is ever so gentle with her, he listens to her with an attentiveness that no one else has ever given her. To Lady Whistledown? Sure. But to Penelope? Who else in the entirety of that ton has listened to Penelope the way Colin has?
Absolutely no one.
Penelope Featherington ghosts Colin Bridgerton for months with no explanation, and Colin comes back wanting to reach out to her, and she finally tells him why.
And he apologizes. Because he listens. Really, truly listens. And really truly cares.
I need you to understand how rare that is, even nowadays, but especially back then. That Colin is the kind of man who can put his hurt to the side and realize he made a mistake, that he said something callous, and he adores her, and he can't lose her, and he has to see her and make it right.
Because that's why Penelope fell for Colin. Not because he's beautiful, not for his charm, not for his family. But for his heart. Because he shows her kindness in a world that so often disregards her. Because he seeks her out and tries to understand her, truly hears what she has to say and compliments her, says he's sorry and looks at things from her perspective.
Because he saw her when she was invisible.
Penelope Featherington, who grew up in a house that made cruel jabs at her, has Colin Bridgerton come to her and say he regrets what he said, and that he was wrong, and that he understands why she's mad at him. Penelope Featherington who has so rarely had much of anyone tell her that they're sorry for what they said about her, sits before Colin Bridgerton as he professes how much she means to him. That he cannot even spend a full day away from her knowing they're on bad terms with each other without making it right. That he sees how she is hurting and he has to in any way he can amend it. She is lonely, with no one really in her corner at the start of season 3, and she feels like she lost it all, and Colin comes to her and says 'no, I'm here and I appreciate you and you are special to me, please let me in and let me prove it'. Is it any wonder why after she shakes his hand, she stands in the sun, and she feels the warmth of it, she can smile? That she can breathe, again? That she can be truly content for the first time in the season?
Because Penelope Featherington does not want Colin to beg. She knows him. She knows the tender, full heart he hides behind the new cavalier persona. She knows the soft underbelly of Colin Bridgerton.
He never had to grovel. All he had to do was love her. Assuredly. Fervently. Loudly. Unapologetically.
And he does.
#polin#penelope featherington#colin bridgerton#bridgerton#sorry y'all i just have a lot of feelings and i need to get them out like they invented love what am i meant to do witH THAT INFORMATION!?#they just care about each other so much and so deeply#and they see the best in each other#penelope was hurt but she never HATED him#penelope was hurt and when she said 'i never thought you of all people could be so cruel' she also knew. . .he isn't#he isn't cruel#he's a young man trying his best in the world and he wanted to fit in and that made him say something hurtful about her#but he has a history of uplifting her#and he continues to do so#not one bad word about penelope all this season#'you are penelope featherington. . .never forget that' (you deserve the world) (you are amazing)#colin bridgerton said 'i love you' over and over this season and in the seasons before but we didn't hear it because we thought#it was only professed in one language#'you really are very good you know that?' 'you only wanted to keep me from heartache' 'what could possibly measure up to all that?'#'that you would never forsake me' 'you are pen. . .you are my friend. . .you do not count' (i could never give you up)#'i will always look after you penelope'#they are friends to lovers but there is love in that friendship#a deep beautiful love they have with each other#and sorry i'm ugly crying but i just adore them
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