zephyrchama

[zephyrchama]

You hit post, uploading your selfie to Devilgram for all to see. The number of haters and mean messages had been increasing for some time. Nasty anti-human comments flooded your notifications on the daily, getting worse every time Asmodeus referenced you in his story or Diavolo mentioned you in a speech.

Your image caption read, "btw when you're being mean to me, this is who you're being mean to."

No hashtags. People would find it anyway.

It was a normal photo. You thought the light was kind of flattering and you captured a decent angle. You didn't look special, though. You were center frame, in your everyday RAD uniform, making a peace sign with your fingers. You hoped most demons understood what a peace sign was.

Beside you were the Seven Rulers of Hell. Their presence looked so relaxed that any common demon who was used to their cold and untouchable visages would immediately do a double-take.

Lucifer had his hand on your shoulder in a gentle yet possessive grip. Next to him was Mammon, reaching over to put his sunglasses on your face. Beelzebub rested his chin on the crown of your head as Asmodeus gave the two of you bunny ears with his fingers. Leviathan poked out from under your arm, which was linked around Satan's elbow. The top half of Belphegor's head barely made it in the frame. He was crouched under Lucifer, grabbing on to the side of your shirt and partially blocked by your hand that was taking the selfie.

It was a sweet image with a crystal clear hidden message: Don't mess with our human.

[zephyrchama]

I don't know if demons have leg hair. Their human forms could be physical manifestations of unachievable human beauty standards, so they always look like "ideal" humans in a way. But if they do have leg hair...

Asmodeus danced across the living room with a rose-scented trail wafting in his wake. His skin glowed like delicate dew under the early morning sun from his recent bath. He was not wearing pants. He was on the hunt.

Twirling and humming, the demon draped himself over the arm of the couch next to his brother.

"Hey, Satan," he sang. "Whatcha reading?"

Without bothering to look up, Satan responded, "Ten Thousand Leagues into the Fiery Abyss, it's a new edition." He turned the page.

"Wow, cool." Asmodeus did not care. He wouldn't have even noticed if Satan was playing with dirt. He had something far more interesting. He raised a leg onto the couch arm and poked Satan with his toes in a teasing way. "Look! My legs are sooo smooth, aren't they? Do you want to touch it?"

"Get your foot out of my face before I rip it off."

Asmodeus let out a "hmmph" and got up. Satan was a stick in the mud, anyway. Surely his cuter younger brothers would appreciate this beauty.

"Beel, Belphie, look here..."

The twins did not look.

"I just shaved my legs and they're soooo smooth. I bet you want to feel it, right?" Asmodeus continued.

Belphegor was unamused. He stared at Asmodeus with confusion and slight disgust. "Why would I want to do that?"

"They're like soft silky sheets! No, softer! I bet you've never felt anything as smooth as my legs."

"I'll pass."

Asmodeus huffed and trailed his long fingers up his own leg. He looked like a fine lotion commercial. The twins were just blind to true beauty. "I bet you'd fall right asleep if you laid your head on my legs. They're that amazing."

Belphegor pretended to gag as Asmodeus swiveled his leg. The front and back were equally hairless, not a single follicle overlooked. There was no redness anywhere. No scratches, no uneven bumps, just pearly perfect skin.

"Can you pull your shirt down?" Beelzebub asked. The fear of seeing it ride up any higher was making the glutton lose his appetite.

"You two have no appreciation for art!"

With that scathing shout, Asmodeus whirled around and strutted across the room for his next target.

"Lucifer!"

"No."

Lucifer walked away without further interaction. He was a long shot to begin with, Asmodeus reckoned.

"Mammon!"

The second oldest was scrolling Devilgram, searching for paid gigs when an ankle was thrust in front of his phone screen.

"Mammon! Look how smooth my legs are!"

"The hell? Get away from me!" Mammon scooted his chair back and swatted at his younger brother's leg, causing him to lose balance. He fell dramatically to the floor, on purpose, and shed a single crocodile tear. Why did his brothers have to be so horribly mean?

"Do you know how many people would pay to touch my leg? Hmm?" Asmodeus asked, running another hand down his thigh. "I could be the richest demon in the Devildom, but here I am offering you the opportunity for free."

"Hah? If anything, you should be payin' me! Time is money, you know, and I'm busy!" Mammon, despite being completely free, had no interest in touching his brother's leg, no matter the reason. Especially when the reason was this stupid. "Come back when you wanna monetize your shavin' routine. I'll promote ya for a share of the profits."

"Fine." Asmodeus pouted, rubbing his knees while dreaming up his next move. He mused aloud, "I'll go see what Levi's up to. He can't run if I corner him in his room. Or... Actually... There's a certain special sheep I know will appreciate my legs."

Asmodeus had barely picked himself off the ground when his brothers came rushing over. Satan pushed Beelzebub out of the way while Mammon pulled Belphegor back. The whole gang clamored around Asmodeus after hearing those magic words.

"Actually, I'll touch it," Beelzebub declared.

"Just for a second. No, half a second," Satan bargained.

"We can wash our hands afterwards, right?" Belphegor asked.

"Just don't go botherin' them!" Mammon couldn't bear the thought of their innocent human being exposed to Asmodeus' bare legs. It'd be too much temptation for a weak being like that. Their heart could give out.

Asmodeus felt over the moon. His ego soared higher than the stars. "Wow! Were you all just being shy? Don't fight, there's plenty of Asmo to go around!"

His brothers grimaced but there was no going back. If it meant preventing Asmodeus from reaching their human, they would have to touch his legs.

[zephyrchama]

You heard Beelzebub's voice calling to you from further down the aisle. It carried well in the relatively quiet supermarket.

"One second," you responded. There was a pretty good seasoning sale going on and you were trying to remember what ingredients were running low at home.

"You have to come see this." Beelzebub wasn't usually one to act with urgency, but something in his voice sounded different. You pried your attention away from the powdered garlic and oregano. Something on the shelves must be very impressive to catch the Avatar of Gluttony's attention.

You walked over to Beelzebub, who had a satisfied look decorating his face and a small can clutched in his hand. He was smiling.

"Look," he said, showing off the can's label. "This description. It's you."

[zephyrchama]

Devildom TV is not the greatest.

You changed the channel. A succubus was running across the screen in slow motion. The camera was panning in towards her bust. You changed the channel. A screaming human was being lowered into a boiling cauldron. Tiny demons around him danced and laughed and clapped. You changed the channel.

"Wait, go back. I haven't seen that episode yet," Satan noted.

"It sucks," Belphegor sighed. "The one at Knife Mountain is a lot better but they hardly ever air it."

"The one where they race to see which human falls down the mountain fastest?"

"No, it's a newer one. They throw people at the mountain and try to see who can throw the highest without their human falling off."

You changed the channel. It was a nature documentary. Hellfire was spreading across a barren plain. A basilisk slid into a hole in the ground to escape the flames.

"666 channels and nothing to watch," you remarked. Belphegor and Satan nodded in agreement. You could feel them shifting in boredom on either side of you. The next channel was just black and white static with incomprehensible screeching. You changed it.

"Want to go put tacks on Lucifer's office chair?" Satan recommended.

"Ok," you agreed. Anything sounded better than this. It was as if the act of just watching Devildom TV was a form of torture. Plus, if the two of them got up, the couch wouldn't feel as cozy anymore.

Belphegor stared at the screen. A demon in too much makeup was making a choice between two bachelors. One received a black rose and the other started fake sobbing. He was a really bad actor.

"Sure, why not."

[zephyrchama]

"Dinner is ready," Lucifer wrote into the group chat. "How are things on your end?"

"Give us 15 minutes," you wrote.

Satan was breathing heavily into a pillow, digging his nails into the sides and causing its feathery stuffing to fall out. His brows knitted together in frustration. His legs were shaking. Feelings of wrath had reared its ugly head once more.

Your DDD buzzed a second time. This time it was Asmodeus, "We've got his favorite! Belphie and I just got all the apple pie they had in stock." Several heart emoji followed with a picture of Belphegor, trying to hold a stack of pies taller than you were.

You silenced the phone and ran a comforting hand over Satan's back. "They're really sorry," you cooed. He didn't seem to care. You swept a lock of his hair under his horn and Satan leaned his head into your palm, as though you could magic away all of his bad feelings.

"Are you still feeling cranky?" you asked. "You might feel better once you've eaten."

Satan's hard tail thrashed about, knocking into your leg and beating against the hardwood bed frame. His muscles tensed.

"I am not cranky," he spat, sending another flurry of feathers onto the floor. He was going to need a new pillow.

You nodded in sympathy while the demon growled and huffed, bouncing his knee violently to avoid kicking over his precious books. You leaned against his trembling shoulder and softly began to hum a soothing tune. It helped his rage subside a smidge.

"Make that 30 minutes," you swiftly typed into the group chat. "He's still a bit cranky."

[zephyrchama]

Saw a post earlier today that said most living things have UV markings that are invisible to the human eye.

Imagine demons in their human form with markings that glow under UV light. Demons with intricate UV patterns on their tails, horns, and feathers. They're not just pitch black with accents, they're covered in an unseen rainbow of designs. Demons and angels covered from head to toe in markings that aren't typically visible to the human eye.

Marks across the Devildom written with UV, telling beings to stay away for their own good. Dangerous trees and plants you should avoid but don't know any better, you can't see their warning signs. Dull fruits and flowers that are more unique than snowflakes to the right eye.

Pact marks that are only visible under UV light. Pact marks that you had no idea were visible, but that are obvious to any demon or angel who sees you. They run up your legs and down your arms and the demons you have pacts with like to trace their marks over your skin. (For the longest time, you thought they were each partial to a weirdly specific body part for no reason.) They can be seen glowing through thin clothes and change in intensity when you use magic.

[zephyrchama]

if someone could make an artfight for writers, that would be super cool.

[zephyrchama]

You rubbed your eyes. You were seeing things. Strange, sparkly things floating in the air around Solomon. They appeared to radiate out of him, causing you to stare and making his surroundings look dull in comparison.

He was just sorting books, leafing through them one at a time before placing them in one of five piles. The books were not dazzling. In fact, they were rather dusty and some were starting to fall apart. None of them had the same strange shimmer as Solomon. He practically had his own personal limelight. Your eyes narrowed. The rays didn't seem physical, perhaps it was a trick of the candlelight.

Solomon noticed the staring. The corners of his mouth turned up into a bemused smile. "See something you like?"

"Did you... do something?" you asked. It was hard to put into words exactly what was wrong.

The walking glowstick only grinned more. "You mean, with my hair or clothes?" He ran a hand through his hair, ruffling the side above his ear. A tiny wave of starlight flowed out like a swarm of fireflies and dissipated into the surrounding air. "I did try some new soap that Simeon recommended the other day. Funny enough, it markets itself as 'soap scented.'"

He was being way too casual about this.

"That's not it. Something is different." You shut your eyes really hard, then opened and closed them in rapid succession. The weird lights were still there, and still only on Solomon.

"Did you enchant yourself?" you blurted out in accusation.

"Is that what it looks like?" The sorcerer looked highly amused. It made the radiant glitter shine brighter in contrast to his seasoned old books.

"Yeah. You're all sparkly. You look like the love interest in a shoujo manga." When you closed your eyes, you could still see Solomon's afterimage.

"Is that how you see me? Well, I'm flattered."

You knew Solomon, and you knew him well. If this wasn't planned, he'd take it more seriously. He'd ask questions, diagnose your vision, and check himself over for charms or curses at the very least. He'd probe for information. He'd express more than a vague entertainment over the issue.

You pooled your magic and, to the best of your ability, dispelled whatever Solomon had going on. It was a trick he'd taught you months ago that you only used once in a blue moon, but it worked. A little gust of power crossed the room from you to him. The glitzy sparkles faded away and Solomon stopped glowing.

"I knew it!" you shouted, pointing your finger at your mentor. "You did enchant yourself!"

"Well, I always want to look my best in front of you." Solomon was chuckling as the last of his magical effect evaporated. "What do you think, did it work?"

With silver-gray hair that sparkled like stars in the right light and a bright glossy cloak that looked like the universe, Solomon was plenty eye-catching on a normal day. He didn't need more. You frankly stated, "You looked like a human disco ball."

[zephyrchama]

"Belphie, it's too hot," you groaned. All bedsheets had fallen to the wayside. A fan was circulating at full blast. Even small bouts of ice magic didn't provide relief for long. Devildom summers were merciless and you couldn't fathom why Belphegor wanted to snuggle up against you when you were coated in a fine layer of sweat.

"You feel nice and cool to me," Belphegor murmured while rubbing his cheek against your upper arm. The humidity caused your skin to stick to his face.

"That's because you're too hot."

"Hehe, I like when you compliment me."

You tried to kick the demon in his shin. It had no effect. Moving any more would be a waste of precious energy. Belphegor's hair tickled your shoulder and he swung a thigh over yours to prevent any more leg-based violence.

"I like getting to spend time with you like this," he said. His breath was too close. The air smelled overwhelmingly of Belphegor, which meant that he probably thought the whole room smelled like you. You didn't dare to glare at him because you just knew Belphegor had the cheekiest grin on his sly little face.

You made a frustrated noise similar to that of a whale in labor and he laughed.

[zephyrchama]

"I thought you were taking me to a strip mall," Asmodeus said.

The two of you stood on cracked pavement with stubborn weeds sprouting from the split concrete. The sun beat down as you gazed at the row of shops ahead of you. Small restaurants, salons, a laundromat and a pawn shop. Nothing fancy, but a fun place to pass the time.

"I did," you responded. "This is the strip mall. Where do you wanna go first?"

Asmodeus lowered his sunglasses. He squinted at each store, taking in their outdated exteriors. Not content with that, he twisted his body to look around. The large parking lot was mostly empty aside from several beat-up cars and a random employee on their smoke break. A large bird flew in circles in the sunlight above. It was quiet.

"Then where are all of the..." Asmodeus trailed off. He slumped his shoulders and sighed instead of finishing his question. He clearly misunderstood. The sunglasses went back up and he put a hand on his hip. Anywhere could be fun if you were around. "Nevermind. Can we visit that thrift store first? The sweater in the window is hideous and I have to see it."

[zephyrchama]

Leviathan waved the screen of his DDD in front of your face. He had finally achieved an impressive full rhythm combo in extreme hell mode. Twinkling particle effects and triumphant background music accompanied this feat.

"It was only a matter of time," he gloated. "I knew if I kept at it, I'd get the perfect combo eventually. I actually have, like, really good reflexes, you know? Probably some of the best in existence. They didn't promote me to admiral for noth-- aah!!"

The boasting was interrupted when Beelzebub walked up and swatted him in the forehead. While Beelzebub looked calm, a flood of emotions washed over Leviathan's face. Hurt, betrayal, anger, panic, and above all, confusion.

"What was that for!?" he yelled, rubbing at the red bump just starting to swell under his bangs.

"I was testing your reflexes," Beelzebub said. "You said they were fast."

Leviathan scoffed. "Well, I wasn't ready! I was too distracted by my full combo to really notice... A-anyway! I know I favor RPGs, but just so you know, I'm also pretty high ranking when it comes to FPS games. So I know I can handle-"

Beelzebub smacked his brother in the shoulder. Straight-on, in full view. Leviathan did not dodge. He stayed completely still and only moved once the blow had already striked his shoulder. He stared at his younger brother in disapproval with wide eyes and a deep frown.

"Beel. What gives?"

"Levi, your reflexes suck," Beelzebub observed.

Leviathan growled, "I just wasn't in the zone, ok!? If you had gotten a full combo on extreme hell mode, I know you'd be open to attacks, too!"

"No, I'm pretty sure you just suck. My reflexes are way better."

"Please don't fight," you sighed. "You both have great reflexes for different situations."

"Mine are better," Beelzebub said at the same time Leviathan insisted, "Mine are the best!"

[zephyrchama]

(Personal post here 👋)

TLDR: I don't have a computer with internet, so I'm gonna be unable to post for an unknown length of time.

Full story: I may be forced to go on hiatus due to not having a computer! I haven't had consistent computer access for a few weeks, and my only laptop with internet has now become completely unusable (it's stuck in an operating system repair loop as I type this on mobile).

My computers are both over a decade old (I have a Windows that doesn't get any internet and a chromebook that's now completely unusable). They have been used nearly every single day for over ten years so I think they're just worn down. I don't have the money to afford something new at the moment. I'm not very fond of writing on mobile, it's slow and autocorrect gets distracting. I did get a cheap used replacement laptop a couple of days ago, but that doesn't work for my needs (it had internet but didn't have USB or SD ports which I need for work) and the return needs to be processed before I can start looking at other options.

So I'll be roughing it like a troglodyte until I can get something usable! I legitimately don't know how long that will take. Just wanted to give an update so my wonderful amazing readers (I point at you) (hi) know what's going on and know that I haven't abandoned this blog if it takes a while to get another computer. Thanks for reading, both this and the posts I usually make! Hopefully things will get sorted out soon.

[zephyrchama]

Belphegor is almost always sleepy. Thus, when Belphegor makes sleepy mistakes, they're almost always minor.

"That human war happened around the year 180. I almost wrote 160 on the test. Close call."

Meanwhile, Satan accidentally brought his toothbrush instead of a pencil. Mammon went to school with a dirty sock sticking out of his waistband. Leviathan mistook a random student for you and, upon realizing his error, screeched so loud that Lucifer banned him from playing games past 6pm for a month.

[zephyrchama]

MC graduating from a human university.

When your name is called and you go up on stage to get your diploma, Leviathan is in the audience going wild. Waving fans with your face on them. Screaming your name. He's got a headband on that matches your outfit under the graduation robes. You wave, and the simple fanservice makes his heart race even faster.

[zephyrchama]

This is a piece for @obeymevents's Obey me! Prompt Roulette event! We submitted random prompts, and received a random prompt in return. The prompt for this piece is...

Too Many Beds

It's longer than most of my pieces so it's hidden below the read more (but it's fully SFW!). I tried to include every character, and there is a handy chart of where everyone is sleeping. Hope you enjoy!

🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️🛏️

“I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to test out our new overnight package.”

Diavolo was in high spirits. He walked with a pep in his step down the quiet carpeted hallways of the latest Corvo hotel. Everything smelled faintly of fresh paint and there wasn’t a speck of dust to be seen.

The group following him was only half listening. Some were so far back, engrossed in their own idle chit-chat, that even Diavolo’s vigorous voice didn’t reach them. The modern, dim hallway lighting was exactly opposite of the large ballroom they had just been in, wherein massive glitzy chandeliers reflected off of polished champagne glass towers. There had been no shortage of indulgences. Fine food prepared by professional chefs, a wide open dance floor with a live band, and the best of company that you had the pleasure of personally inviting.

Diavolo left the guest list for this exclusive party up to you, as there are few beings he trusts so unconditionally. Not wanting to disappoint him, you thought it best to keep invites limited to your closest friends at RAD. Sixteen people, including yourself, was a good, round number and you were confident the company would never be dull. It made for a memorable night of partying.

Now that the ballroom had been thoroughly christened and you were extremely tuckered out from dancing, your group moved as one to their accommodations for the night. Diavolo, leading the pack, guaranteed it would be an experience like no other. The hallway had few doors, each spread noticeably far apart. The rooms inside must be large. You wondered if they were suites fit for royalty. Past the vending room, past the ice dispenser, your group finally came upon a simple set of double wooden doors.

“Here we are!” Diavolo exclaimed. “Again, this is something new we’re offering only at this hotel. I’d appreciate your feedback in the morning.”

There was no lock. Barbatos demonstrated that it could recognize a guest’s handprint, requiring no key to open. He waved you in with a smile.

The room was massive. You were greeted with a sophisticated wood paneled wall with lights installed around the floor and ceiling. Next to the entrance was a locker room of sorts for luggage. Your possessions had already been carried up and neatly stored away.

Next up, a communal bathroom with multiple rooms for baths, showers, and toilet facilities, all attached to a powder room with floor to ceiling mirrors.

The bedroom itself rivaled the ballroom in size and it was filled, from corner to corner, with beds. Queen sized bunk beds. Each expertly made up in fine silk sheets. Chocolate mints wrapped in gold foil sat atop the fluffy pillows and folded robes sat squarely at the foot of each bed.

You paused in confusion to take in such a unique sight, but people were filing in one after another behind you. Solomon put a hand on your back to safeguard you from the parade of tipsy non-humans. You moved forward. Beelzebub followed with a half-asleep Belphegor latched to his side.

“This setup is for large groups. We took inspiration from days of old, when travelers would all reside in one common room. There are more than enough accommodations for everyone,” Barbatos explained. “Perfect for the budget-friendly school trip, work retreat, or group celebration. Wouldn’t you agree?”

You squinted. There was a reason people didn’t sleep together in giant rooms anymore. A good reason.

“We’re all sleeping here?” you confirmed. Barbatos’ coy smile affirmed it. This was going to be a headache.

“There are no assigned arrangements,” he confirmed, “so feel free to pick whichever bed suits your fancy.”

Multiple hands grabbed your arms. Mammon, Asmodeus, and Luke exclaimed, “I wanna sleep with you!”

Leviathan followed their enthusiasm with his own, “I-I-I also want to s-s-s-sleep w-with you!”

At the same time, Mephistopheles could be heard, “Lord Diavolo! I’d like nothing more than to sleep beside you! Just like when we were kids.”

Diavolo was already half-shouting, “I want to sleep with Lucifer!”

You faintly caught Satan snickering, “yeah, I bet you do.”

“You guys reek of alcohol,” Luke complained as he pinched his nose. He waved his hand towards Mammon and Asmodeus. “Nobody wants to sleep near you!”

“Does this hotel even allow pets?” Mammon snarked. “Who let this chihuahua inside?”

Luke kicked Mammon in the foot. While the two squabbled, Beelzebub offered, “it will be quiet with me.”

You were pulled back and forth in a nauseating three way tug-of-war. Even those who weren’t making physical contact had their eyes on you, their intentions clear.

“Nobody is sleeping with anyone.” Lucifer raised his voice above the din. It was getting late and he would not tolerate a stupid fight. “There are more than enough beds to spread out. One person per bunk bed. Nobody is allowed to sleep in a bed directly next to anyone else. I don’t want any funny business happening tonight. That’s final.”

Multiple sighs could be heard, ranging from relieved to annoyed to straight-up disappointed. Mammon could be heard saying, rhetorically, "Who said you get to make the rules?"

“That’s the most fair option,” Simeon stated. “On the bright side, we also get matching pajamas. That makes it feel less lonely”

“Come now, Lucifer. We can’t even sleep in adjacent beds?” Diavolo asked sadly. That defeated half the purpose of sleeping in a big room together.

“What about diagonal?” Raphael asked. He had his hand on his chin. Despite the room being massive, it was unlikely there were enough beds for all sixteen beings present to sleep with multiple beds in between one another.

Lucifer put an end to the discontentment once and for all by announcing, “Diagonal is fine. I want you all in a bed in ten minutes. If anyone doesn’t like it, you’re free to sleep in the street.”

Barbatos showed his full agreement with a smile that gave you chills. He had such a way of expressing himself without really changing his expression at all. It was enough to get everyone moving.

Beelzebub carried his twin over to a bed at random and placed the dozing Belphegor in a lower bunk, then took his pillow mint as compensation. It was a hefty treat coated in chocolate, larger than your typical pillow mints, one that befit the luxury status of the Corvo hotel.

People began milling around the room. Barbatos mentioned something about a lilac scent on the pillows to make falling asleep easier. They inspected the beds but didn’t actually claim one. Many side glances were thrown in your direction.

Thirteen had been quiet, refusing to get tangled up in everyone’s petty bickering until now. The reaper boldly pushed past everybody loitering in her way. Upon reaching the farthest, most isolated corner of the room, she turned and announced, “I’m sleeping here. If any of you come near me, I’m going straight home and blowing out your candle.”

The room went silent as everyone stared. She continued, “Well… except one. If there’s an emergency, you know who to send as your representative.”

With a cute wink in your direction, she turned her back and disappeared up a ladder to a top bunk.

“Ooh, scary,” Solomon laughed.

Thirteen’s manicured middle finger poked out from the edge of her bunk in response.

Solomon responded with another laugh. Though, this wasn’t the time to poke fun at Thirteen. He had more interesting things to focus on.

He asked you, “Have you decided where to sleep?”

It was obviously the question everyone was dying to know. You didn’t care. All of the beds literally looked the same. They were so sparkling new, even the metal screws holding the mattress frames together had the same shiny luster, without a speck of rust. It looked like someone copy and pasted the same bed in a repeating pattern until the room was full. You wouldn't doubt if this were a low budget VR game.

Any show of preference would start a war. You decided it was best to choose at random. “I’m going to take… this one.”

“Then, this one’s mine!” Mammon declared, diving into a bottom bunk as close to yours as Lucifer would allow.

“No fair! I wanted that one!” Luke anxiously balled his hands. While paralyzed thinking about what to do, Solomon happily claimed the bed opposite of Mammon's. Options near you were quickly running out.

“This diagonal space looks open,” Simeon remarked. He and Lucifer chose beds directly diagonal to you, giving Luke the idea to jump headfirst into the other open diagonal space before Asmodeus could take it.

Diavolo began climbing a bed close to Lucifer. As unofficial chaperones, the two of them in top bunks would be able to keep an eye out for any late night funny business. Leviathan followed suit, scrambling into a top bunk in the hopes of being able to spot your sleeping figure several rows away.

Finally, everyone had a bed to call their own.

There was a minor scuffle to the bathroom while the tired group performed their nighttime routines. Teeth were brushed, pajamas were donned. Shirtless glimpses were stolen from a select few who couldn't be bothered to change in private. Simeon helped you figure out how to get warm water when the sink spout wouldn’t budge. Asmodeus came out wearing a nourishing face mask that garnered some stares.

“I’ll be turning the lights out now,” Barbatos announced after some time had passed.

Leviathan and Diavolo were leaning on top bunk edges, engrossed in a mighty battle on their handheld games. “Hold on a moment.” Diavolo was rapidly mashing buttons as he explained, “we’ve almost got him down to half HP.”

“How’s your ult? Is the meter filled?” Leviathan asked. His eyes did not stray from the screen. He was a master at work.

“This thing on the side? No, it keeps going up every time I land a hit. Is that good?”

“As soon as that’s filled, get close to him and hit R2! With the gear I gave you it will take out at least another 20% of-”

“I’ll be turning out the lights now,” Barbatos repeated. He turned the lights out.

The night had officially begun.

“Satan, would you mind turning that off?” Raphael’s whisper carried through the dark. “It’s hard to sleep.”

Satan was making full use of the bed’s built-in reading light. It was tiny yet powerful. Unlike Leviathan’s handheld game console, Satan couldn’t hide it under the covers.

“Is this any better?” He tilted it down further, so the light shone directly on the page. So much so that the letters were hard to see, the light reflected right off of the ink. It remained a burning beacon in that otherwise dark half of the room, made worse by the fact that Satan was on a top bunk.

“It’s not much better,” Raphael said.

Satan huffed and adjusted his light again. “How about now?”

“No.”

One low growl later, Satan adjusted his light for a third time. “Better?”

“Now it’s in my eyes,” Asmodeus whined. “I can see it through my eye mask. Can’t you just read in the dark?”

“Can’t you get a higher quality mask?”

There was the shrill whistle of a projectile flying through the air, followed by the shattering of glass. Then there was no more light. “Hey! Watch it!” Satan roared. He was met with a colorful chorus of “shh!”, “shut up!” and “quiet!”

Asmodeus chucked a pillow towards his angry brother.

Raphael whispered, “That’s better.”

Just as his head found its way back to the pillow, Barbatos could be heard. “You will need to pay for that in the morning.”

Satan was left to seethe quietly. Instead of counting sheep, he counted the different ways he could curse Lucifer to vent his frustrations. He didn’t get very far. There was another loud disturbance, this time from the back. An ear-splitting buzzing sound preceded a deep shout.

Thick smoke filled the air around Thirteen’s corner.

“What is going on now?” Mephistopheles demanded. He was cranky, with a massive frown plastered across his face as he lifted his silk sleep mask. This was the most testing night he had ever experienced.

“I told you not to get near me!” Thirteen huffed. She waved her arms, clearing the air to see who was stupid enough not to heed her warning.

“Sorry.” Beelzebub was stuck coughing under a massive electric net. Miss Soaring Buzz Buzz Junior wasn’t a very painful trap, but the static shocks and heavy smoke were an unpleasant sensation even for the strongest of demons. There were a trail of foil wrappers that once contained mints pilfered from the empty beds, and they lead up to the paralyzed Beelzebub. This supported his case when he claimed between coughs, “I got hungry.”

“Haha, I should have known.” Diavolo was finding this whole ordeal to be very exciting. One unexpected event after the next. He had no intention of sleeping to begin with, lest he miss out on all the fun of spending time with his friends. It was a good thing Leviathan was also a night owl. The otaku helped the prince stay busy in between bouts of chaos with highly recommend handheld role playing games, to be enjoyed under the thick covers.

“Can you let me out? This net is really uncomfortable.” Beelzebub wiggled like a worm. The net didn’t budge against his strength and his arms were pinned against his stomach. “Also, are you going to eat your mint?”

“I’m saving it!" Thirteen exclaimed, "and I’ll let you out in the morning.”

“I’ll get you out,” somebody yawned. Belphegor plodded over to his twin, half asleep with eyes half closed. “Consider it thanks for carrying me into bed.”

“Belphie, thank you.”

Undoing Thirteen’s trap was not easy. It was clearly going to take a while, especially with Belphegor fighting sleep every step of the way.

“Can we all be quiet now?” Mephisto was exasperated. “Please? Thank you.”

“Now you see what I put up with every day,” Lucifer muttered. He was staring up at the ceiling, reconsidering his life choices. Was it a mistake to have adopted all of these buffoons as his brothers? No. Lucifer was never wrong about their potential and greatly enjoyed seeing them grow. They were just idiots.

This was further proved around half an hour later. Half an hour of blissful silence, during which a few members of your entourage were able to doze off. Things were finally calm. Asmodeus sat up. He slid out of bed, tugging at the belt around his robe to ensure it was properly tied and would accentuate his beautiful waist.

Asmodeus tip toed towards your direction, dancing lightly on his feet as he imagined how happy you’d be at his little midnight rendezvous. Lucifer might’ve said you couldn’t sleep near each other, but he never said you had to stay apart all night long.

“Whaddya think you’re doing?”

Out of the dark, Mammon thrust an arm in front of his younger brother, allowing him no further.

“Just a trip to the bathroom,” Asmodeus sang with a quiet lilt.

“Bathroom my foot. Get outta here,” Mammon spat. “I’m on to you. No one gets past me. Go on, shoo.” His command was accompanied by the classic hand motion, shooing Asmodeus back from where he came from.

“Hmmph! You could be a little nicer about it.”

Mammon stood guard at the foot of your bed until Asmodeus was good and settled, albeit sulking, back under his sheets. Mammon then turned and promptly began to crawl right into your bed. He was slow, careful not to make much noise. His full attention was on safely completing this mission. You would make for a top tier prize once that hurdle was cleared.

“Hey, were you up waitin’ for me?” he asked in a low whisper, careful not to be too loud.

“Actually, yes,” Lucifer whispered in response, lowering the covers away from his face. Mammon shrieked, leaped up, and crashed onto the ground in a scramble to get away from his older brother.

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Mephistopheles complained. “When will it end?”

Mammon stammered, pointing a shaky finger at Lucifer, “You were supposed to be over there! Where’d-”

Lucifer cut him off. “They are in bed. Just like you should be.”

“Yeah, but which bed?”

The question went unanswered. Lucifer sat up, swung his legs over the side of the mattress, and slipped a pair of complimentary fuzzy slippers onto his feet. “Let’s go. I’ll tuck you in.”

“No thanks!”

“I’ll be sure to do it very snugly.”

Mammon was unable to protest as Lucifer grabbed him by the collar and dragged him back to the proper bed. Mammon’s belt would make for a suitable chain to tie his hands to the metal bedpost, ensuring a repeat of this incident would not occur. A teary and frustrated Mammon caught your eye for the briefest of seconds as you peered over the top bunk of what was originally Lucifer’s bed. You gave him a little wave. With bound hands, Mammon opened his mouth to say something, but the space was quickly filled with a small accent pillow from Lucifer. 

From your new top bunk perch, you looked around to see how everyone else was fairing. Squinting in the dark, you could make out a few people. Beelzebub had successfully escaped Thirteen’s trap. You noticed his feet going right up to the edge of his bed. Diavolo was grinning like a kid in a candy shop. Beyond him was the still figure of Barbatos, laying face up with eyes closed and his hands crossed over his chest. On the opposite side, you craned to see Simeon. It was hard to see what he was up to. Same with Belphegor behind him.

You wouldn’t find out until morning that Lucifer’s no bed-sharing rule was broken. Belphegor, in a sleepy haze, couldn’t properly find his way back after helping Beelzebub. He wound up in Simeon’s bed, clinging to the angel’s side, pinning him down with an arm and a leg. Simeon would have found it pretty adorable if only Belphegor wasn’t so heavy. No amount of wiggling, prodding, or whisper-shouts would get the Avatar of Sloth off of him. Simeon did not want to risk texting you and waking you up if you were already asleep, so he resigned himself to his fate underneath Belphegor.

It wasn’t long before another large sound woke just about everybody in the room up. You jumped. It sounded like someone threw their suitcase from the ceiling. There was a small commotion on the other side of the room.

“Thirteen?” Solomon accused.

“Hey! Watch your tone, that wasn’t me.”

“I see… Then maybe Satan mistook reality for a dream and threw somebody across the room?” he mused.

Satan sighed, “Don’t make me come over there.”

As it turns out, Solomon wasn’t too far off the mark. Soon it was clear to all: Leviathan had fallen asleep and, soon after, fell out of his top bunk. It was impressive. He basically sleep-climbed over the low walls of the bunk bed by gradually throwing his limbs over it one by one. When the amount of Leviathan on one side was higher than the amount of him on the other side, the demon’s body slipped and came crashing down in one of the top five most unpleasant wake-ups Solomon had ever experienced.

“Aaaaaahhhhh.” Leviathan’s voice was surprisingly weak for the strong blow he’d just received. He curled up on the floor and rubbed his aching head while Diavolo and Solomon watched.

“Leviathan, are you alright?” Raphael asked.

“Aaaaaaaaahh,” he repeated. He was more in shock than anything.

“He sounds fine,” Satan turned on his side and pulled his blanket up.

Leviathan shakily stood to his feet. This was not his beautiful room, and this was not his beautiful bathtub. It was a room of judgement. An introvert’s worst nightmare. “Wow, thanks for the concern.”

He crawled back into bed, into the bottom bunk this time. He grabbed the covers, swirling them around himself in a protective cocoon. “I’ll be just fine, don’t you worry about me,” he complained.

“Good to hear!” Diavolo responded with sincerity. “Good night, Leviathan!”

“Oh. Uhh, good night?” Leviathan mumbled back. He was caught off guard by actual good will and snuggled his embarrassed face into the blanket.

“Good night, Lord Diavolo!” Mephistopheles called out, not one to be outdone.

“Why, good night Mephistopheles. And good night, Lucifer.”

“Enough.”

[zephyrchama]

You were in the middle of conversing with Luke during some RAD downtime when Mammon dragged his desk over and sat down like he owned the place. He had no interest whatsoever in your discussion on flower vases.

"Let's play cards!" he insisted. "I'm dyin' of boredom over here."

"Why don't you go bother someone your own size?" Luke retorted, but Mammon was already shuffling a rather worn deck he kept in his bag.

He looked like a professional dealer, mixing the cards so smoothly. 52 pieces blended together into a flowing bridge as he deftly tossed the deck from one hand to another.

"Whaddya wanna bet? Loser does everyone's homework? Or how's about you two gotta listen to whatever I tell ya?"

You rolled your eyes at the thought. "How come you're the winner? We haven't even started yet." Not to mention, you could command Mammon whenever you wanted. It wasn't an enticing prize.

Luke looked wary. "Gambling is against the school rules. You shouldn't do things knowing Barbatos will catch you."

"Ah, shut it. I'm on the student council, remember?" Mammon started dealing cards, tossing five your way and five to Luke. "I practically make the rules around here."

Mammon leaned back in his chair until the front legs were off the ground while you and Luke studied your cards. Mammon looked to have memorized his hand with a quick glance, while the angel alternated between intensely staring at his cards and Mammon.

"Luke, do you even know how to play poker?" you asked. The exact game hadn't been specified, but there was little question about what you were playing.

"Not really," he answered, "but I used to play a lot of Old Maid with Simeon when I was little."

Mammon snorted. "When you were little? What, like, this mornin'?"

Luke kicked at the airborne leg of Mammon's chair while the demon cackled at his own joke.