#obey me crack

[tsukii0002]

Diavolo and Mc looking at a frozen lake in the Devildom

Mc: Dia, *nervous* could I borrow your coat?

Diavolo: Are you cold Mc?

Mc: Well, more than you for sure, you have your coat in your hand *smiling*.

Diavolo: Oh, ha, ha, of course *places the coat on Mc's shoulders*

Mc: So warm *the coat is clearly too big for them and they can hide practically all of their body in it*

Diavolo: …

Barbatos: *picking up the phone* Mc?

Mc: Why is my closet full of Diavolo's clothes????!!!!

Barbatos: Excuse me, What?

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What are you trying to say Diavolo? 😂 😂 😂

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[devildomwriter]

When Satan and Mammon Game Together

[spark-river]

MC: Jesus could've sold his bath water and nobody would've known.

Solomon: Oh, he did. Holy water.

Simeon: ...This is why you're banned from the Celestial Realm.

[a-local-idiots-shitpost]

Mc: (spitting out an ear) I caught the Demon that made Luke cry

Simeon: Mc I said no killing

Mc: I didn't kill them!

Simeon: (glaring)

Mc: but you said nothing about mauling them

[ephie-om]

Ever since MC was little they always knew they wanted to be a menace

CW: violence, rough language

Day 20: MCs and OCs

MC has adapted incredibly to the Devildom. You were more than a quarter of the reason that Diavolo’s exchange program had been deemed a roaring success. You’ve been nearly poisoned by food, almost killed by demons, actually killed by a demon, and had your privacy invaded at every turn. But somehow you have come to call the House of Lamentation a home. You blossomed into one of the most respected creatures in the Devildom by demons and humans alike.

You throw a pile of clothes into your suitcase haphazardly. Lucifer raps on your doorframe loudly, “We need to be out of the door in ten minutes.” You nod your understanding. The house thrums with a buzz of noise, brothers calling out to each other. MC can hear Beel accuse Mammon of stealing one of his shirts and Mammon’s vehement denial. You smile to yourself as you struggle to close your suitcase and roll it out of the room.

Lucifer’s voice rises above the din. “Does everyone have everything they need? Once we leave, we’re not coming back!” A murmur of assent rises from the foyer. “Alright, let’s go.” Cheers fill the building as you all file out carrying your luggage. Beel’s arms are filled with several of Asmo’s suitcases as well as his. Your group makes its way to a stone circle crackling with magic. Barbatos has just finished preparing the incantations, and Lucifer directs all of you to pack into the circle with nothing sticking out. An elbow jams into your stomach and knocks the breath out of you. You wheeze a curse, and the magic rising makes the space behind your eyes buzz. A powerful hum fills your ears and you close your eyes.

When you open them again, a light wave of nausea passes over you, mostly from the journey but also from the light. The warm sun beats down on you, a welcome feeling. The demons beside you flinch and shield their eyes, and you chuckle. Barbatos has set you outside of a Hotel Corvo branch, and your group piles in as the demons take in the human world from the lobby. Lucifer gets everyone checked into their rooms and tells you to drop your things at the door and reconvene near the front desk. He pulls out a paper schedule from his unseasonably warm coat, which immediately gets crumpled as his brothers spot more interesting things on the street through the glass doors.

You find yourself dragged along with Mammon and Satan to a coffee shop across the street, both nagging you for flavor recommendations. They’re both talking a mile a minute and you finally give up, telling them that you’ll just order for them. Satan gets an iced white mocha and Mammon gets a disgustingly sweet blended caramel drink. You order your own drink of choice and sip idly while they browse the mugs for sale. Another customer bumps into Satan from behind, and he shoots the back of her head a withering glare, remembering Lucifer’s strict instructions to act like humans. That meant no violence unless absolutely necessary and no demon forms, both rules that Satan felt like were personally targeted.

Mammon splits off from your group after spotting a high-end department store and Satan elects to try and find a thrift shop. You’re fairly sure that an affluent area like this wouldn’t have one, but you accept the challenge anyway. It’ll be a good way to see more of the area, if nothing else. You wander down sidewalks here and there at Satan’s insistence, happily taking in the familiar smells and sounds.

He spots a dingy-looking building down a side street, grabbing your hand to tow you along with him. You duck into the door and the heavy scent of patchouli hits your nostrils. You cough from the smell and the person at the front desk glances up at the two of you. “Welcome in,” he drones, looking back down at his phone. Satan stands there for a moment, looking over the variety of clothes for sale.

“Satan, I don’t think this is a thrift store. I’m pretty sure this is just a sketchy regular store.” He shrugs and wanders to look at pants, and you wriggle your hand out of his. You’ve made it a mission to get gifts for all the brothers, and the streetwear style sold here would probably suit Beel or Mammon perfectly. You catch movement out of the corner of your eye, another employee exiting the back room. He’s tall but skinny, slightly hunched over. You go back to browsing, trying to find a good pair of sunglasses for Beel while he’s up here.

A pair with burnished orange frames stands out to you from the back of the rack, and as you circle around to grab it, you notice the same employee again. As you look at him, he hurriedly turns back to a rack of shirts. You pluck the sunglasses out and keep them securely in one hand, trying to show you aren’t stealing anything. Satan waves to grab your attention and holds up an armful of clothes as he heads to the counter, and the tall employee follows. He rings up Satan’s purchase with a smile that looks out of place on his face, and Satan tries to politely smile back. You browse a jewelry rack near the counter just in case you need to stop Satan.

“So, are you two together?” he asks a perturbed Satan.

“No, we’re visiting with family,” he replies cautiously.

“Well, that’s a shame. Two pretty people like you would make a good pair.”

Satan narrows his eyes. “We aren’t.” He grabs his bag from the employee with a little more force than necessary, but he just smiles back. You walk up to the register with the sunglasses for Beel and a thick golden ring for Mammon. He watches closely as you set them down on the counter and takes his time entering the product information into his computer. “So, have you had any work done?” he asks you casually. Taken aback, you stutter for a moment.

“N-no, never.”

“Wow, I’m impressed. You’re telling me all of that is natural?”

You start to feel the annoyance rise in you as you give him a short nod back. The shop door creaks as it opens to reveal Lucifer. Satan turns to him as they hold a quiet conversation, and as you look over at them, the man at the counter takes the opportunity while you're distracted to reach out and stroke your cheek. You whip back around, incredulous, but he doesn’t move.

Wrath bubbles up from inside of you. How dare he touch you without asking? Your eyes blaze green and your animal, or maybe demonic, instincts take over.

He screams as you sink your teeth deep into his hand, and the demons by the door jump. The tall man tries to pull back, but you won’t let him get away so easily. You bite down harder until your jaw pops from the effort. You smell blood, and he howls in pain. “G-GET IT OFF!” he screams to Satan, who doesn’t move a muscle. Feeling like you’ve accomplished enough, you open your mouth. He drops to the floor, tears flowing, and you grimace at the taste in your mouth, like cheap cigarettes. Mission accomplished, you take your purchases from the counter.

You turn to leave, facing Lucifer and Satan, who are standing there in complete shock. Lucifer swallows hard and motions to his mouth. “You’ve got a little, um…” You wipe your lips with your hand and it comes away red.

“We can stop at a bathroom and I’ll get cleaned up. Are we going to dinner?”

Lucifer nods. “I was coming to get the two of you, seeing as you wandered off.”

You shrug. “It’s not like we were in any danger.”

Satan chuckles softly. “I guess not.”

[demonvibezart]

Be careful which Christmas movies you watch with the Brothers. ♡

[squeakyducky]

Favouritism is real

[devildomangel]

MC who was sad that they didn't get to see the Solar Eclipse so Beel and Belphie decided to recreate it for them.

-MC, wearing sunglasses and sitting outside the HOL-

Lucifer: MC! What in the nine circles are you doing out here?

MC: I'm watching the eclipse.

Lucifer: We don't even have a sun in the devildom

MC: Shhh! It's starting!

Beel, Wearing a cardboard cut out of the sun: *Standing still*

Belphie: *Wearing a cardboard cut out of the moon, passes by Beel*

MC: Hell yeah

[comfortcharacterprompts]

Lucifer: It’s dark in here Mc: Don’t worry, I got this. Mc: *Stomps their feet* Mc: *Skechers light up*

[slutifer]

Lucifer: mc, you can’t just say “spit in my mouth” when one of us does something you deem attractive

mc: but why not??

Mammon: yeah it’s just saliva, what’s the problem??

Satan: did you know that saliva is almost entirely water? only 0.5 percent of it is anything else, but that tiny portion is full of useful enzymes-proteins that speed up chemical reactions-

Lucifer: stop-

Satan: among these are amylase and ptyalin, which begin to break down sugars in carbohydrates while they are still in our mouths. if we chew a starchy food like bread or potato for a bit longer than normal, we will soon notice a sweetness. unfortunately, bacteria in our mouths like that sweetness, too-

Lucifer: STOP-

Satan: they devour the liberated sugars and excrete acids, which drill through human teeth and give them cavities. other enzymes, notably lysozyme-which was discovered by human scientist alexander fleming before he stumbled onto penicillin-attack many invading pathogens, but not the ones that cause tooth decay, alas.

Satan: …

Lucifer: …

mc: …

mc: spit in my mouth

Lucifer: MC

[tsukii0002]

Mc: Remember when I told you about my period?

The brothers: ...

Mc: And how it was recommended that for those days there should always be chocolate and hot water bags because it helped me and gave me comfort?

Satan: Yes, we remember it...

Mc: And remember that I told you so you would not be caught off guard?

Belphie: Yeah...

Mc: Well *taking a breath*, it's time for us to talk about YOUR periods.

Mammon: We do not have periods!!!

Mc: *slamming the table* Periods, heats, mating time…. Call it what you want but it's time to talk about it!!!!

Levi: *very flushed* But...

Mc: But nothing!! I'm tired of waking up in nests in random places in the house time to time!!!! It's not nice to wake up with feathers in my mouth!!!!!

Lucifer:*blushing*...

Mc: I would also like to be prepared in case I find any animal corpses at the foot of the bed!!! I appreciate the thought but I am human!!!! I don't need you to show me that you can get resources!!!! That's what supermarkets are for!!

Satan: *dodging the gaze*

Mc: And it would really be nice to know when you produce pheromones, that would have avoided me a lot of problems in RAD.

Asmo: Ha, ha *nervous laughter*

Mc: Or to know when to prepare myself to wake up in a cave dug in the garden or underwater.

Beel: ...

Levi: ...

Mc: And it would not be bad to know that during your period you are showing your demonic forms, I almost had four heart attacks the first time I saw your eyes glowing in the dark Mammon!!!

Mammon: That was an accident...

Mc: *enumerating with their fingers* Or that your sleep schedule changes, or that you don't sleep at all, or that your temperature changes, or that some of you become non-verbal, or that your wings produce a specific sound as a call…

Lucifer: Enough *massaging his temples while blushing* It has become clear.

Mc: You didn't think that, as a human living with seven demons, I should know these things???

Mammon: We didn't think you would notice...

Mc: *looking at him exceptionally* Mammon, my dear, last time you brought me a cocatrix egg because it glowed.

The brothers: ...

Mc: This is my last warning! Either we talk and set schedules or I take Solomon and Luke and go live somewhere else.

The brothers: !!!!

Satan: *whispering* Why only Solomon and Luke?

Asmo: *also whispering* Mc has given this same talk to Lord Diavolo, Barbatos and Simeon….

Mc: *taking out a notebook* So stop behaving like a pubescent teenager and tell me how your periods are going and if I can help you in any way.

Lucifer: Okay, you win…but this is not like your period.

Mammon: It's not fair!!! It's not like we can avoid it

Levi: *covering his face* This is going to be worse than a public exhibition…

Asmo: Well, at least this way we won't have to hide it….

Satan: *sighing* Will it really do any good?

Beel: *worried* It won't be a problem for Mc?

Belphie: … Well, I do want them to spoil me on my period.

The brothers: Belphie!!!!

Mc: *holding back laughter* That's the spirit.

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I would like to write more extensive headcanons about it in the future 😊

Part 1 Part 2

[cafe-smut]

One of my favorite things about Obey Me is that if you put anything on Mammon that forces him to speak the truth, he immediately wants it gone/off and for one singular reason.

Levi: *puts truth bracelet on Mammon*

Mammon, turning to Lucifer: I would do anything for you. I love you. You're my big brother and I'd fall into hell all over again for you. GET THIS THING OFF OF MEEEE

And it always ends with Lucifer staring at Mammon like he's seeing a small little angel all over again and falls in love (PLATONIC YOU BITCHES) with his brother all over again and then lets Mammon get away with shit for a week because that's his precious baby brother. If I were Mammon I would use that shit all the time.

[helshollowhalls]

[absolutepokemontrash]

I’m just imagining MC trying to curb the brothers’ more dangerous sinful urges, both for their own good and the good of the people around them, but it doesn’t always work out, and MC needs to settle for small victories.

Mammon: Gah! Human! It’s in my DNA! I’m hardwired to want things! I’m the demon of greed dammit! I want to steal!

MC: No! No theft!

Mammon: Not even one bit of grand larceny? ONE jewellery store???

MC: NO!

Mammon: MC-

MC: OH FOR THE LOVE OF- go rob that fucking vending machine to get the urges out! Shoo! Shoo!

Mammon: *grumbles on the way to shake the shit out of a vending machine*

——————

MC: So this is called Chess Boxing, you can stimulate your brain in between giving it blunt force trauma, and inflicting it on your opponent!

Satan: I don’t know, MC… I’m not sure if I’ll like i-

*elapsed time: 3 minutes*

Satan, covered in blood, both his own, and otherwise: WOOOOO! CHECKMATE, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER!

Random wrath demon, on the floor: *shaky thumbs up*

—————

MC: This is called competetive eating, Beel.

Beelzebub: So I need to eat all of these humans eating those tacos before the timer runs out. I don’t know, MC, that sounds easy.

MC: Beel- no- you’re eating the tacos. It’s a competition to see who can eat more food, not people.

Beelzebub: Ohhhhh, that sounds much better! :3

————

MC: So instead of being such a dick-

Lucifer: You love it.

MC: Shut up. Anyway, instead of being such a dick, you can channel your pride into other things, like putting your brothers’ report cards up on the fridge!

Lucifer: MC, I would do that if they got anything worth being proud of.

MC: Maybe you can be proud of yourself for investing in a fucking tutor then, Ms Trunchbull.

————

MC: Belphie- Belphie wake up, we need to find something more sustainable to channel your sloth into.

Belphie: *snore*

MC: …you are a drain on my mental energy.

*MC is immediately swatted by Belphie’s tail*

————

MC: Hey Asmo, you know those incredibly detailed dirty roleplay stories you text me on a regular basis?

Asmo: How could I forget~?

MC: Yeah yeah yeah, so do you want to stop traumatizing me with those and go write a dark romance novel that’ll make some booktok girlie scream over?

Asmo: Oooooo… tempting~!

————

MC: Hey Levi, why don’t we envy something attainable so you have something to work towards? Like showering more!

Leviathan: What..? What’s this all about??

MC: I’m just trying to help you grow beyond constantly feeling envy to everyone around you, because you’re pretty great, Levi!

MC: And you can start showing the world you’re great by showering more!

Leviathan: MC, I don’t know…

MC: Watch, you can envy how much I don’t stink! Levi, please, you smell like moldy Monster Energy…

[sphireath-wisp]

One day, out of nowhere, the RAD Newspaper Club announces the start of a new account on Devilgram, dubbed a RAD confessions page. Promising anonymity with every post, they wish to seek out honest, unfiltered opinions and serve as a safe space.

It started off pretty light, of course.

"I think the future demon lord's butler and the Avatar of Pride are a weirdly coherent pair"

"The new curses class teacher that just joined RAD is unbelievably boring, skip his classes because they don't help. At all."

"The major blood spill that happened in 4th period in the girls' bathroom was me oops"

These little, usually harmless confessions didn't shock anyone. It barely served as anything interesting and you had overheard a group of their members complaining during lunch. Amused after hearing the RAD Newspaper Club's dispirited attitudes as the popularity of the account didn't rise as they originally anticipated, you decided to help them out a little by stirring the pot.

You stand up, excusing yourself from Satan, Beel, Belphie, and Mammon. "I'll be back," you promise with a cheeky grin. You make a beeline straight for Solomon, sitting beside him without a word with your shoulders touching his.

"Need something from me?" he chuckles, enjoying the sudden proximity.

You lean closer with your hands covering the sides of your face so no one could guess what you were mouthing out. Instinctively, Solomon tilts his head to you before... "mwah!" and that's all you say to him before scurrying off back to Satan, Mammon, and the twins.

Later that evening, a new post on the confession page pops up.

"oh my diavolo, you can't tell me yall didn't see the two transfer humans kissing!"

and devilgram goes wild.

[aydien677]

Salmon.

Mc: "Hey Salmon."

Solomon: "Mc, I told you before it's Sol-O-Mon"

Mc: "anyway, Salmon."

Solomon: *sigh*

Pickles

Mc: "So his name is Mepenalties"

Barbatos: *almost spills tea*

Diavolo: "No, no, Mephistopheles"

Mc: "Mefistoplease

Lucifer: *dies of laughter*

Diavolo: "Meh-phi-sto-phe-lese"

Mc: "Mephipickles"