#obey me crack

[tsukii0002]

Mammon: 50 is too few…

Belphie: *laying down on the sofa* Well, of course, it's too little as payment for a job, even for you.

Mammon: What? no, I don't mean money, I mean the hugs that Mc gives me every day…

Belphie: Wait… *stand up* What?!?!!! I only get 15 or so!!!

Mammon: I need more…

Belphey: Hey, why do you get more?! don't ignore me!!!!

.

.

[a-local-idiots-shitpost]

Mc: did anybody see Luke?

Mammon: (jealous) stop spending so much time with the chihuahua!

Mc: he's my son of course I'll spend time with him

Mammon: Mc for the last time just because you wrote adopted on a piece of paper doesn't mean Luke is your child

Mc: but he called me his parent

[blacksheepoftheclass]

This is what I think will happen if you tell Beel to eat you out.

[mammons-lover]

Obey Me! Burgers (this is based on bob's burgers)

Context: This all starts when Beelzebub devours an outrageous amount of food at a human-world restaurant—only to realize he conveniently forgot his wallet. Instead of paying up, the brothers are forced to work off the bill.

Lucifer (entering the kitchen with his usual stern expression): Alright, what’s the 'Demon Hunter Deluxe'?

Belphegor (casually leaning against the counter, smirking): It’s the burger of the day.

Lucifer (deadpan): No. It’s not.

Belphegor (shrugs): For a limited time...until you came upstairs.

Lucifer (pinching the bridge of his nose): Did someone actually order this?

Beelzebub (nervously scratching the back of his head): Uh… yeah.

Lucifer (raising an eyebrow): Who?

Beelzebub (gesturing toward the dining area): Him.

All heads turn to see a sketchy guy sitting at a corner table. He’s wearing a trench coat, fidgeting with a silver dagger, and looking around suspiciously.

Lucifer (frowning): Mmm… he looks like a demon hunter. Belphegor, don’t serve him. Let Beelzebub bring it.

Beelzebub (gaping): Why do I have to serve him?!

Lucifer: Because he’s not going to try anything with you.

Beelzebub (offended): Why not?!

Lucifer (sighing): Because you’re, uh… intimidating.

Beelzebub: Bigger demons can still get targeted! I’m very targetable!

Belphegor (snickering, squishing Beel's face): Yeah, who wouldn’t want to take this guy down?

Lucifer (glaring): That’s enough, Belphie... I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant Beel is older—

Beelzebub (cutting him off): By a couple of hours. If anything, Levi’s technically the oldest. Make him do it.

Lucifer: Leviathan’s not good with customers.

Leviathan (storming into the kitchen, overhearing): Excuse me?! I’m amazing with customers.

Belphegor (deadpan): Nooooo.

Lucifer (sighing): Not really.

Leviathan (sighing sadly): I’m great with the customers.

Beelzebub (innocently): He's autistic; he can’t help it.

Leviathan (grumbling): Yeah, I'm autistic; at least I'm trying.

Lucifer (sighing, rubbing his face): No, your not autistic Leviathan.

Belphegor (grinning mischievously): Alright, Levi, how many ketchup packets are on the counter?

Lucifer (groaning): Don’t start this.

Belphegor (ignoring him): C’mon, Levi, how many?

Leviathan (narrowing his eyes): A hundred.

Beelzebub: No.

Lucifer (shocked): A hundred? There are three!

Belphegor (cracking up, dumping an entire box of packets onto the counter): Alright, what about now?

Leviathan (confused): Three.

Lucifer, Belphegor, and Beelzebub (in unison): NO!

Belphegor (snickering): You’re the worst kind of autistic.

Beelzebub (laughing): You can't even count.

Leviathan (crossing his arms): Why are you guys so mean?!

Belphegor (calling into the hallway): Mammon! Get in here! You’ve gotta see this!

[devildomwriter]

Solomon Inventing Things

[squeakyducky]

Favouritism is real

[devildomangel]

MC who was sad that they didn't get to see the Solar Eclipse so Beel and Belphie decided to recreate it for them.

-MC, wearing sunglasses and sitting outside the HOL-

Lucifer: MC! What in the nine circles are you doing out here?

MC: I'm watching the eclipse.

Lucifer: We don't even have a sun in the devildom

MC: Shhh! It's starting!

Beel, Wearing a cardboard cut out of the sun: *Standing still*

Belphie: *Wearing a cardboard cut out of the moon, passes by Beel*

MC: Hell yeah

[comfortcharacterprompts]

Lucifer: It’s dark in here Mc: Don’t worry, I got this. Mc: *Stomps their feet* Mc: *Skechers light up*

[astaroth1357]

For your consideration:

Lucifer and Mammon display nesting behaviors.

If MC takes a nap around the House, they'll wake up surrounded by a mound of blankets, pillows, and various random shirts and jackets from their closest.

They think, "Oh MC might get cold, I'll go get them a blanket." ... then another, and another, and another, and...

Then their bird-brains forget even doing it until MC wakes up or they need their clothes to go out somewhere.

Belphie has woken up in similar fabric piles before and it weirds him out that they keep doing that

[aydien677]

Bro is not beating the autism allegations.

[slutifer]

Lucifer: mc, you can’t just say “spit in my mouth” when one of us does something you deem attractive

mc: but why not??

Mammon: yeah it’s just saliva, what’s the problem??

Satan: did you know that saliva is almost entirely water? only 0.5 percent of it is anything else, but that tiny portion is full of useful enzymes-proteins that speed up chemical reactions-

Lucifer: stop-

Satan: among these are amylase and ptyalin, which begin to break down sugars in carbohydrates while they are still in our mouths. if we chew a starchy food like bread or potato for a bit longer than normal, we will soon notice a sweetness. unfortunately, bacteria in our mouths like that sweetness, too-

Lucifer: STOP-

Satan: they devour the liberated sugars and excrete acids, which drill through human teeth and give them cavities. other enzymes, notably lysozyme-which was discovered by human scientist alexander fleming before he stumbled onto penicillin-attack many invading pathogens, but not the ones that cause tooth decay, alas.

Satan: …

Lucifer: …

mc: …

mc: spit in my mouth

Lucifer: MC

[tsukii0002]

Mc: Hum... Where will Beel be? I should go look for him.

The game:

I'm still laughing in the floor for this.

.

.

[cafe-smut]

One of my favorite things about Obey Me is that if you put anything on Mammon that forces him to speak the truth, he immediately wants it gone/off and for one singular reason.

Levi: *puts truth bracelet on Mammon*

Mammon, turning to Lucifer: I would do anything for you. I love you. You're my big brother and I'd fall into hell all over again for you. GET THIS THING OFF OF MEEEE

And it always ends with Lucifer staring at Mammon like he's seeing a small little angel all over again and falls in love (PLATONIC YOU BITCHES) with his brother all over again and then lets Mammon get away with shit for a week because that's his precious baby brother. If I were Mammon I would use that shit all the time.

[helshollowhalls]

[absolutepokemontrash]

I’m just imagining MC trying to curb the brothers’ more dangerous sinful urges, both for their own good and the good of the people around them, but it doesn’t always work out, and MC needs to settle for small victories.

Mammon: Gah! Human! It’s in my DNA! I’m hardwired to want things! I’m the demon of greed dammit! I want to steal!

MC: No! No theft!

Mammon: Not even one bit of grand larceny? ONE jewellery store???

MC: NO!

Mammon: MC-

MC: OH FOR THE LOVE OF- go rob that fucking vending machine to get the urges out! Shoo! Shoo!

Mammon: *grumbles on the way to shake the shit out of a vending machine*

——————

MC: So this is called Chess Boxing, you can stimulate your brain in between giving it blunt force trauma, and inflicting it on your opponent!

Satan: I don’t know, MC… I’m not sure if I’ll like i-

*elapsed time: 3 minutes*

Satan, covered in blood, both his own, and otherwise: WOOOOO! CHECKMATE, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER!

Random wrath demon, on the floor: *shaky thumbs up*

—————

MC: This is called competetive eating, Beel.

Beelzebub: So I need to eat all of these humans eating those tacos before the timer runs out. I don’t know, MC, that sounds easy.

MC: Beel- no- you’re eating the tacos. It’s a competition to see who can eat more food, not people.

Beelzebub: Ohhhhh, that sounds much better! :3

————

MC: So instead of being such a dick-

Lucifer: You love it.

MC: Shut up. Anyway, instead of being such a dick, you can channel your pride into other things, like putting your brothers’ report cards up on the fridge!

Lucifer: MC, I would do that if they got anything worth being proud of.

MC: Maybe you can be proud of yourself for investing in a fucking tutor then, Ms Trunchbull.

————

MC: Belphie- Belphie wake up, we need to find something more sustainable to channel your sloth into.

Belphie: *snore*

MC: …you are a drain on my mental energy.

*MC is immediately swatted by Belphie’s tail*

————

MC: Hey Asmo, you know those incredibly detailed dirty roleplay stories you text me on a regular basis?

Asmo: How could I forget~?

MC: Yeah yeah yeah, so do you want to stop traumatizing me with those and go write a dark romance novel that’ll make some booktok girlie scream over?

Asmo: Oooooo… tempting~!

————

MC: Hey Levi, why don’t we envy something attainable so you have something to work towards? Like showering more!

Leviathan: What..? What’s this all about??

MC: I’m just trying to help you grow beyond constantly feeling envy to everyone around you, because you’re pretty great, Levi!

MC: And you can start showing the world you’re great by showering more!

Leviathan: MC, I don’t know…

MC: Watch, you can envy how much I don’t stink! Levi, please, you smell like moldy Monster Energy…

[sphireath-wisp]

One day, out of nowhere, the RAD Newspaper Club announces the start of a new account on Devilgram, dubbed a RAD confessions page. Promising anonymity with every post, they wish to seek out honest, unfiltered opinions and serve as a safe space.

It started off pretty light, of course.

"I think the future demon lord's butler and the Avatar of Pride are a weirdly coherent pair"

"The new curses class teacher that just joined RAD is unbelievably boring, skip his classes because they don't help. At all."

"The major blood spill that happened in 4th period in the girls' bathroom was me oops"

These little, usually harmless confessions didn't shock anyone. It barely served as anything interesting and you had overheard a group of their members complaining during lunch. Amused after hearing the RAD Newspaper Club's dispirited attitudes as the popularity of the account didn't rise as they originally anticipated, you decided to help them out a little by stirring the pot.

You stand up, excusing yourself from Satan, Beel, Belphie, and Mammon. "I'll be back," you promise with a cheeky grin. You make a beeline straight for Solomon, sitting beside him without a word with your shoulders touching his.

"Need something from me?" he chuckles, enjoying the sudden proximity.

You lean closer with your hands covering the sides of your face so no one could guess what you were mouthing out. Instinctively, Solomon tilts his head to you before... "mwah!" and that's all you say to him before scurrying off back to Satan, Mammon, and the twins.

Later that evening, a new post on the confession page pops up.

"oh my diavolo, you can't tell me yall didn't see the two transfer humans kissing!"

and devilgram goes wild.