#Ive been through way WAY worse
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Me going through something feeling like its the end of the world and everything will perish
Me a few days later once its over: omg your fine calm down
#Like im dramatic#Ive been through way WAY worse#and i survived#like its not that serious#Calm down#Your fine#you'll be over it pretty quick#just calm down#Its fine
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avoidance is my fucking doom man, i know i should go to class but i fucking cant get myself to
#i have. so many absences it's ridiculous to go right now i know it will be worse if i dont go i have to go#ive been just tossing and turning for like 2 hours with some freakign heart palpitations cause im so fucking scared#i was supposed to go last week and i didnt do it then either and every time i feel worse but i cant make myself go#AAAAAAAAA Im gonna die here i know i just have to force myself but i dont want to i want to stay at home which will fix nothing and#make everything worse in the long run#im aware of thsi but i still cant get myself to go idk what to do in this situation i feel horrible augh#i have so many absences I literally went once at the start of the semester and it's been what. 2 and a half months almost 3#i didnt do much for the class and i didnt go to class idk what to do.. theres literally no other way than to force myself to go#i KNOW I'll instantly feel better if i just stay home. i knowww i knowwww but its not going to help anything#i feel like shit and so ashamed and i just really dont want to go through this#FUUCK#im just#completely in panic mode rn. idk if i wont just try to go tomorrow idk if this is a bad decision im still just putting it off#im just totally by myself and cant even talk to anyone to calm down uauauhcgchdhd#im feeling pretty pathetic rn i should be able to do thisss i should be able to do this by myself#this is like self inflicted psychological horror and it's like every other day for me for many years now ouughh
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no one has explored the idea of darius and camila co-parenting hunter enough. like where the hell are the fics about darius calling camila asking if hunter left his derby uniform at her house or camila personally going to drop off hunter at his dad's house and sharing a cup of tea with him while she asks about hunter's grades at hexside and darius asks about hunter's sleeping habits and if she had any human alternatives to sleeping nettles that might help him sleep without the dream-enhancing side effect.
what about camila inviting darius to stay for dinner when he comes to drop off hunter at his mom's house and darius asking for the recipe and then asking the kids what ingredients he could substitute and which ones have to stay the same. or camila specifically adding three more lines to her phone plan-- one for vee, one for hunter, and one for darius so that they can keep in contact more easily. or hunter getting in trouble at school for picking a fight with boscha but when principal bump calls, darius is extremely busy with work so he calls camila and asks her to handle it.
maybe darius gets in an argument with hunter and he cant tell where he went wrong and calls camila and she listens and gives him her advice as someone whose been a parent for fourteen years vs. his own eight months. or camila opens up to darius about her own struggles with losing her husband and he opens up with his own grief over losing his mentor. or they talk on the phone for hours and gossip with each other. maybe darius comes over to hang out with camila and binge watch a new show with her while the kids are at school
#krav talks#toh#darius deamonne#camila noceda#average camila and darius phone conversation:#“dont take this the wrong way.” “naturally.” “i think eda and raine are moving too fast.”#“absolutely. its only been what. two months?”#“two months! and theyre already moving in together!”#“this is not going to go well. ive known raine for years and they havent had a long term relationship since they first broke up with eda.”#“oh noooo... thats even worse than i thought...”#“it gets even worse! raine just spoke to me the other day and complained about eda not letting them help her with the curse again!"#“ah... saw that coming. not that i think eda is bad--”#“no of course not! we love eda.”#“we love eda! but that witch has a serious amount of baggage she needs to sort through before rushing into a relationship.”#“oh you have no idea how right you are. have i told you about what she'd tried to do when i was still pretending to be loyal to belos?”#“oh? im listening...”
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is there any actual catharsis in the boys or is it all just suffering and scrambling for a crumb of relief
#bc i cant handle whump without a bit of silver lining#its why i didnt like game of thrones#theres just so much suffering and the entire time you want just something to go right for the characters you like#but its just bad thing after bad thing#and the people you dont like keep getting worse and getting away with it#i already know homelander will exhaust me#theres enough celebrities and rich people that do horrific shit and get away with it in real life i dont need that in my shows too#like for a while? i can deal#but season four is airing and this mother fucker is still adored even if he is being sued or something#i know its not the type of show with clear cut good guys and bad guys thats not what i mean#but yeah is there any relief? or any good things?#or is it just it starts off bad and gets worse and thats the point#i need there to be a reason for all the suffering you know?#so far i like black noir (though i know what happens to him) butcher and a train#and a little bit of the deep but i can also see him annoying me for long chunks of time#is it bc elliot knight is in the new season and i can do a cod crossover with it? maybe so#either way i’ll probably end up not watching it and just watch vicariously through gifs and fic lmao#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#the boys#homelander#billy butcher#soldier boy
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i think im officially done trying to keep in touch with people who dont try ever
#i can understand and handle it a couple of times bc life yno#but when it happens every time or if conversation never starts unless i do its different#im done trying with people who don't appreciate my time and efforts#im lonely but even that won't make me do things for people who don't care#it literally leaves me so despondent i haven't had the energy to keep in touch with those who do try and show me care and respect#idk im tired im burnt out ive given so much of myself for ppl this year to get nothing in exchange#ive had to cut people off because of that even with how much it hurt#and im so tired#absolutely exhausted#this year has been worse than the year i literally got diagnosed and had to go through chemo#its been way worse on my mental health#idk i dont wanna try anymore its always the same and i don't wanna keep going#wish cancer had killed me ngl#i need a drink im getting shitfaced soon#delete later
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i need brownies so fucking bad rn
#⠀ᶻᶻ⠀turn it up!⠀#unrelated croomf has pissed me off to immeasurable amounts. reduced back to oomf#overthat#anyway#DY piece tn i need it to go#and also this song is soooo minhui i threw up everywhere#decided for better or for worse that kit will be implemented here instead of in the group w kyun.. kyun works best on his own for me idk#he’s not gnna have a massive part (for now) and i dont plan on him leaving 127 to join BB or anything so he’ll def stay on the side#buttttt i did start up a little gogo piece through his eyes#i rly like the idea of never writing in gg’s pov does that jst make me sound rly lazy#BECAUSE!!!!! IM NOT!!! well i am but not w this hear me out#he puts on so many faces with everyone and even if with some he’s more ‘him’ than with others he’s never really actually#gone the whole way bared his soul the whole shebang to everyone bar like one person. so he’s kinda lonely AS EFF!!!#and idk i js like the idea of him being (when u get down 2it) a stranger. he doesnt even wanna show himself to the narrative IJBOLLL#sooooo yeah. it does kinda sound like a cop-out 4 if he acts like a different person in every piece but i think ive been p consistent so#that one person was in dream btw.. he left partly because he was bored and felt like he’d end up going nowhere and#partly because he was HUMILIATED by doing all that he needed to pack his bags and get the fuck out its kinda funny#mention ** to him and he’ll look like that pic of that one 2000 yard stare soldier its serious#worse than saying ‘hyeonmin and jaehee are in the same room rn haha’ to yijun.. but barely anyone will ever find that out#ANYWAY! i like to think kit + cherryade are the closest to seeing minhui as he is right after redacted explosions gunshots#‘im on fire and i’ve got to break out’ + ‘i've had enough of this got to break it through’ LIKE ITS HIMMM!#and dont even mention the ‘got to leave all trouble living life on the double’ I HATE THIS OSNGGGG#They made it for him. IDGAF if it came out in 2001.#ok sorry for yapping i might go make toast
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its SO windy outside this is the first time in my life a storm makes me anxious
#this is probably not even the worst storm ive been through wtf is goig onnnnn#the worse of it is suppose to happen at 9am which is when im in my way to class i wanna stay homeee
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:/
#nothing to do with anything i'm just thinking about [redacted event] and going like hm. will never trust anyone w my body ever again#way to instantly shatter what little self-esteem i had managed to get especially since starting my transition lol#somehow worse than some of the actual horrific shit ive been through sexually lmfao like okay#sticks and stone(s) truly for real
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so for like, a decade plus, i've been searching for a youtube video i remember seeing back in 2007, and i've finally managed to make some headway:
good news: i've found it
bad news: it's lost media
#it's been bugging me for so long honestly#ive talked about it in my tags before but its basically the video that introduced me to roblox#it's probably a bit silly to have been searching for this video. but part of the reason ive been looking is to see how good my memory is#specifically memories from when i was 9 years old. and how those memories have aged given im 26 now#like id say my memory is pretty good. specifically remembering specific details from memories long ago#like that isn't to say they're perfect. like i'll get some details wrong. but i know the general idea of what i saw#but basically#it's basically some old roblox bloopers video that had their character in a baseball cap and lugia t-shirt#now for a few years i wasn't sure i was correct on this person wearing a lugia t-shirt#and so at some point i figured i had to give up looking for that specific detail#since literally no video i could find had these two details combined. id find characters with baseball caps but never with a lugia t-shirt#and by that point i was afraid i wouldn't be able to find this video. or worse. my memory was wrong and it was something i watched in 2008#but i knew it had to be uploaded before december 12th. 2007. because thats when i made my account#and the way i found it was going through 11 pages of a youtube search for ''lego videos''#i was specifically looking for new lego videos to watch. or find something that seemed more interesting than lego mario stop motion#and there was one video that stood out. which was some random roblox bloopers video. mixed in with a bunch of random lego videos#anyway. just today i was scrolling through twitters ''for you'' tab and happened upon a thread showing off lost roblox youtube thumbnails#and i was like ''well. can't hurt to see if theres anything in here that i recognize.''#and lo and behold. a roblox dude in a blue baseball cap and a lugia t-shirt. labeled as ''ROBLOX Bloopers!''#i could feel the anvil of my doubt free itself from my brain because i finally had proof of a video that lines up with my memory#thats not to say this is the exact video but 99% certain it's uploaded by the same person. like it could be roblox bloopers part 2#but anyway. the channel and the video(s) are lost and while im sad i can't watch it to confirm my memory#im happy to see that there's evidence that lines up with my memory of what i saw back then#for reference. it was uploaded by someone named 'Furzniak' at the time. and it was uploaded on July 21st. 2007
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My god
#when the imposter in syndroming#its been like in the back of my mind for a while but now that ive officially got like appointments and have to actually do my job its uhhhhh#not great!#like what if i fuck it all up and actually give the worst advice anyone has ever given and make it worse instead of better and all my#critical thinking skills leave me the second i need them and it goes so bad that i fuck not only rhe opportunity but also someone elses#grade up irrevocably forever and ever#ugggghhhhhhhh the only way out is through and actually doing the damn thing but still#it could be better. it doesnt have to be like this#sigh. if onlt hiding under a rock only doing what feels good was a viable way to live. unfortunately if u want things to get better u have#to do hard things. they should invent a better way of doing this#ok i feel better now. ive just gotta remember that i am qualified to do this & have been trained specfically to do this task#and also that post-sundown me is an idiot and not to be trusted#original
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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actually yeah im making a quick poll on this. for anyone who has been around long enough to remember when i made my massive clamp readathon situation (in which i read every single one of the works they put out) be everyones problem. hi. im doing it again but much worse now. reading about 400 volumes (and more if i can find more) of tezuka osamu's work. i am just curious on the general consensus of if i should upload thoughts as i read each one (ie: one post being like i finished kimba/jungle kingdom, heres my thoughts) or just have a MASSIVE post of hey. read them all heres my thoughts (as i did with clamp. which is when i found out tumblr had a max text limit)
#twist rambles#i KNOW this is smth most of u do not care about. however comma. im curious what would be better. esp as like... about 50?? i think percent#of these have no translation fan or official. so its smth where i think discussing the plot/characters/art or whatever could be fun :)#but its also like. obviously a lot. for comparison the clamp stuff was abt 90 volumes (half of them being holic and trc). so this is far#worse. i could read all of naruto 5.5 times over in the time this will take me to complete it. so its smth where i do want to like... get#opinions on. either way i dont plan on liveblogging for most of it other than if i find a silly panel (the really good mw panels u will#ALWAYS be famous <- i post them every time i read i think. theyre very good to me). i do however plan on coloring a panel or page from each#series as my OWN personal way of having a physical way of holding onto my memories w it. sorry this is so long and rambly but im gearing up#for this massive project and by god i need to get ppl to read dor.oro. <- my goal or something. please. its very good.#tzkposting#<- all of my posting abt this will/has been under this tag so its not... in the main tags lmao.#sorry for the rambling but. hi. please vote :3 im making a big spreadsheet for stuff bc like... a lot of his stuff is hard to source so onc#im done w that nightmare situation ill probably post that somewhere bc the days of work ive done on all this should be put out there lol#gonna srb this a few times through the day to get like... an idea of what ppl would prefer :)
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Allow me, if you will, a moment to go absolutely rabid over your blog and everything that goes on here. I’ve always loved history but the USA hardly likes teaching anything that isn’t American History. I’ve forgotten how much I love WORLD history, specifically the rise and fall of empires.
I’ve been smothering myself in your posts and I love it ALL. JC, Pompey, Crassus, Sulla, Octavian, Antony, Cassius, and Brutus. Wow what a mood. You don’t miss on your references or your modern AU’s and I’m over here like- I’m trying to buy whatever web comic you put out, book you write, etc.
Also, if you’d be so kind to list some material with like themes to start breaking into these topics. Preferably materials in English or translated materials.
HELL YEAH LET'S GO
if you really want to start on the ground floor for breaking into something, I'd recommend my personal favorite approach which is picking the figure that's most interesting to you, reading through plutarch's biography on them (free! online! in english!) and then putting their name through a jstor search and reading whatever sounds fun.
other than that, the primary theme I've been wandering around in lately, so these are the materials I've been really enjoyed related to that:
The Deaths of the Republic: Imagery of the Body Politic in Ciceronian Rome, Brian Walters
The Game of Death in Ancient Rome: Arena Sport and Political Suicide, Paul Plass
Ideology in Cold Blood: A Reading of Lucan's Civil War, Shadi Bartsch
Statius and Virgil: The Thebaid and the Reinterpretation of the Aeneid, Randall T. Ganiban
Rome, Blood & Power, Gareth C Sampson
I also have a comparatives tag where I play connect the dots with texts that made my brain go brrr
#also thank u 💓#ive been obsessed with history and historical non fiction since i was like. five. and my dad noticed that i liked watching documentaries#on pbs lmao#i lucked out: all of my history teachers through highschool were FANTASTIC but my sister's grasp on history#(w/ different teachers) is way worse and she was like. all honors and got a wicked scholarship to a very nice college#idk where im going with that. something about how history is taught with such inconsistency makes me feel :|#i feel passionately abt the subject so i want other people to love it too aughghhhhh#and the way history is taught in schools unless you get a good teacher. is not conducive to this. its a TRAGEDY#thinking about how my best favorite man mabini. ppl not knowing that polio was what caused paralysis in his legs#back when heneral luna came out. (head in hands)#like its good to learn! that was a learning moment for people! but also @ the education department: im fucking coming for you.#IM GETTING OFF TRACK thank u for sending this anon this ask made me really happy to read 🥺🥰💕💕💖💞#i hope you're having a nice day!#ask tag
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....
#god I hate being loney jfc#like I wanna make friends here I really do but also I have horrid time blindness and ADHD and generally suck at normal conversations#idk ive spent a lot of time making friends through vcs where its so much easier to tell tone and whether or not a joke lands so text is hard#and the other way I tend to make friends is through roleplay or working on projects but with the dsmp thats difficult at best#like yeah I have an rp blog but thats only attracted people who aren't on the 'dream' side of things so its just#GAH IM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED AND I WANNA TALK WITH PEOPLE I WANT TO CHAT BUT IM ALSO SO SCARED THAT ILL FUCK UP BY MAKING A JOKE OR SOMETHIN#and I know theres people I could get back to about things but its been months and idk how to even approach that or reach out#i know im in a hole of my own making but also I don't know if I can just get myself out of this without help#its all stupid and my anxiety makes it so much worse#I just wanna do things and chat and stuff with people in this community but im so scared to do so simultaneously#yeah yeah do it scared but I don't want to do it scared if the anxiety of “did I go to far/say the wrong thing” is gonna eat at me#vent stuff#to be deleted eventually
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Time for me to be completely changed as a person! *just watched falsettos*
#the klock keeps ticking#oh dude we’re so back oh its so back#how am i supposed to live my life after this how am i supposed to go on#its funny cuz ive seen this damn show actually a thousand times i know it forward and backwards#and i dont really cry ever in general and ive become so familiar with falsettos that i dont cry anymore#but it still has the ability to destroy some deep part of me every single time in a new way#I will stay firm in my belief that its the greatest piece of media ever made#if i ever get to see falsettos on broadway (pipe dream ik) like#thatd be it for me man like how the hell are you supposed to leave and drive home after that akdnsk#i cant remember the last time i watched either i think it mightve been like. when i first moved into my old apartment 😳#and ive gone through quite a bit of shit since then and im smarter. i think#so yeah it hit me very hard this time i always stick to something different#im very much wrecked about this fucking family lets just say that#lets just say ‘shes cooked for some 200 guests i know we’re not that many actually we’re 7’#really hit different this time KID DO YOU KNOW HOW PROUD I AM#DONT KNOW WHY BUT HE LOOKS LIKE MARVIN#so so good so lovingly written and performed so real and beautiful and tragic FUCKKKK#yeah basically prepare for me to write like 50 essays for a few days about all the characters every song every lyric every sound yeah#falsettos is probably deadass the reason im like this it shaped me so much#just like. the ending of tragedy that was so unexpected and unfair#and it looks at the fucking homophobic shits who preached all about this being just desserts for the perverted behavior#and it says ‘this man could’ve kept that unhappy heterosexual life and avoided all of this but he chose the one that killed him because#it made him feel like himself it made him happy despite how brief it was and hed choose this route in every universe’#just a piece of art that is so true to queerness i dont think anything else has instilled a sense of pride in me like falsettos has#the tight knit family marvin tries so hard to keep together is falling apart worse and worse with each attempt#but once marvin is happy and loves himself and is loved by others the family ends up growing and sticking together naturally#aaughhh yeah ahahaha yeah man everyone please love your friends so genuinely love yourself and keep going 🥰
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i fear i cannot mentally or emotionally handle being conscious much longer so im gonna take a melatonin and hope to god it works enough to make me pass out by 8:30 tbh
#i. have gone through the full spectrum of human emotions today methinks (not including joy or happiness or any of the like.. naturally)#i am so exhausted and feeling deeply deeply fucking hopeless#ive spent so much of my life feeling miserable and hopeless but holy fucking shit none of that even remotely came close to the amount#of sheer hopelessness and despair that im feeling today#gneuinely. at a loss for ways to make myself or anyone else feel better#like. well at least we're alive! bitch i dont think i want to be anymore. and furthermore for a LOT of people NOT FOR MUCH LONGER probably#at least we have friends/family/community! yes and that means i have that many more people to be absolutely terrified for on top of myself#we've been through this once we can do it again! I WANT MY LIFE TO BE ABOUT MORE THAN JUST GETTING THROUGH#JESUS CHRIST LIKE#by the time the next election comes i will be 27#meaning i will have spent the majority of my teens AND 20s fearing this stupid fucking man and his stupid fucking morally bankrupt follower#im so sick#im so tired#i have to stay alive but for what??? for climate change to make everything exponentially worse in the next 10-15 years??#for society and humanity as we know it to AT the very LEAST begin to collapse in front of my very eyes??#anyway.#like... i just...#thank god i have ppl in my life rn who care about me bc they are essentially singlehandedly keeping me alive at this point#at the end of all of it even though i can do this song and dance all day and be like "whats the point of living? why shouldnt i k myself#and the answer is that the people i love would be sad. the people i love love me too and they would never be the same.#and especially with how much a lot of them have done for me. i owe it to them to at least Try to give myself the best shot i can#us politics#election 2024#kamala harris#2024 election#uspol
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