#I'm like so sad I wish... I don't know. I hate that I feel like I'll never be able to like another group as much as I like astro/
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The sad thing is? I predicted this.
Yeah, so I've been gone from Tumblr for a while, I know. I had my major surgery back in the second week of October and have been home recuperating for two weeks now.
But I wanted to come on here tonight to vent a little about the presidential election.
Because even though there was a part of me that dared to hope even just a little, I KNEW this was going to happen. And I called it the minute Joe Biden was forced to drop out of the race, back in July.
This is the text message exchange I had with my sister the day he announced he was dropping out:
And let me make this clear: I'm a born and raised California native. I voted for Kamala Harris for both DA and Senate. I voted for her and very much wanted her to win.
But I know this damn country. I saw how Obama was treated and the freakout and build-up of white supremacy after he won twice. That's why 45 got in in the first place.
And as I said in the text to my sister? Never in the 4 other times that Democrats have replaced a candidate this late in the process has that candidate won. Ever. Only those who've never studied political history thought doing such a thing would actually work.
Anyone who called for Biden to drop out? Congrats, you fell for the most obvious Chaos OP EVER.
I don't usually talk politics on Tumblr. I save that for Twitter. But now that Apartied Clyde has taken it over and this mess has happened, I plan to delete my Twitter account by the end of the week. The only reason I'm not doing it sooner is so that those who only follow me there can catch me before I delete it.
Anyway, I can't even cry or be sad about this. I already went through that stuff when Biden dropped out. I'm just kinda numb. And tired. And disgusted. But, at least thanks to my dad, I feel like I very much saw this coming thanks to his lessons on this country and race/racism. He and my mother both lived through Jim Crow and so yeah, they knew.
"This is not who we are" some are saying.
Yes, it damn well IS who we are. And it's who we've always been. I can give you a history lesson, and I'm not just talking about slavery, civil rights, and the 19th Amendment. I'm talking about Lee Atwater, Nixon, and the Southern Strategy. All that has happened between 2016 and now is a full culmination of that.
A majority of white Americans would rather destroy the American Republic than share equal power with black people. (With misogyny and misogyny thrown in there as well.) I wish I could be surprised by that, but I sadly am not.
And this tweet pretty much sums up my feelings regarding what's next:
I'm still healing from my surgery. Once that's done and I am 100%, it's about me and my loved ones now, protecting the few remaining ones I have left. (I am SO thankful that none of my close family or still-close friends voted for that man . . . but then, the majority of them are black women too, so . . .)
Because this country has pretty much shown black people that we are hated -- and always will be on our own.
Everything my parents and grandparents fought for regarding Civil Rights will be gone now. The only thing I can be thankful for is that none of them are alive anymore to see this.
I NEVER thought I'd live to see the end of the republic but here we are. And done by people willfully voting to give it up because, as I said back in July, a majority of white people in this country would rather destroy the country than share power with black people.
#politcs#2024 election#race#racism#I'm so glad I had my surgery early#but now I've got some other things to figure out.#because get ready for the ACA Medicare and Medicaid to all be gone#Social Security too#oh and if your college loans were forgiven? Ha!#that shit is coming back#(thank goodness I didn't have any student loans at least)#But now I have to figure some other things out
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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but who told them all my distorted thoughts lmao
#miraculous ladybug#marigami#ladynoir#kagami#perfection#neurodivergent#autism#adhd#audhd#unmasking#mlb#mlb s5#mlb caps#mlb capspam#and not ladybug trying to be a CBT therapist or something lol#i think DBT might help you more kagami chan#i know distorted thoughts is a CBT term but i'm just starting to explore DBT#what's their term automatic negative thoughts or something? that does make more sense#i don't wish anyone would disappear i just always isolate myself#and used to feel sad about it but now it feels kind of peaceful#i still have my family though so that helps#but i've accepted i don't have the energy to be social right now i only have enough capacity for work and family#and maybe someday i can try to (re)build friendships again idk#just like kagami i don't know how to be : (#i do also hate being perceived and wish i could be a hermit sometimes lol#i used to be so certain about what the “perfect” i wanted to strive for was and had so many rules for myself in order to appear acceptable#but now that i know i was being excessively literal and perfect doesn't exist - i don't know what's acceptable or safe or “normal” enough#i feel like i'm in a cocoon or something trying to figure out who i am#but i'm so different from how i was when i was trying to be perfect idk if anyone will like or accept this version of me#i'm also so shell shocked from life the past few years everything is hard lol
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thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way
#probably the thing i am resenting my parents for right now is how good they were at convincing me#not to pursue any career paths other than the ones they laid out#every time i was like hey this seems interesting should i check it out? they would be so quick with the#do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it? to do it for your whole working life?#and obviously 8 yo 12 yo 14 yo 17 yo 18 yo me would get terrified and go no sorry and just not look into anything further#supposedly this is the safe option but everything i do feels meaningless#all of the jobs in this field seem meaningless#the job market in this field right now is dog shit and I'm fighting like hell for positions that just make me sad to think about#but every time i think hey what if i tried another thing#now my brain shuts me down with the do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it#your whole life on it#and the answer is no and it's gonna be no for a long time i bet#don't know if I'll ever find my way out of it#told my roommate's boyfriend about my general dispassion for pretty much everything in life#he asked me if I'm even a person#which feels very true#i feel like this path I've followed if i keep following it#I'm not going to be a person i can be proud of#i know it's really early in my life to say but#idk if it's nature or nurture or my own damn fault but all the ambition has been weaned out of me and I've been getting just surviving#i just wish i got told more you can be whatever you want to be :)#instead of whatever you'll do you'll be good at so do what makes money and push your hobbies to the side you can do them after you retire#your mom likes this and you're good at it so you'll like it too it'll make you money this is the best thing#the other thing is harder and doesn't make as much money don't do that you won't like it that much i bet#when i was younger#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled#or maybe this is genuinely the best timeline and eggs who tried to pursue art hates it now#maybe I'd be really stupid at all the other things i gave a passing glance at#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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Magenta 😟
#I've had cognitive impairment from covid before but not to where i feel intellectually dumb when i write#my college papers and my writing projects dont sound like “me” as of late#its very bare bones and doesn't have the descriptiveness or humanity i normally give#like i see the scenes or what i want to say in my head#but what i type aint matching up#and yeah i naturally get into slumps like that but this is like that slump x 9000#I'm kinda scared this round might've given me brain damage#havent been feeling all the way like myself#but i also know too that covid takes a while to heal from and of course theres long covid shit which ive dealt with before#im just frustrated guys#i feel like within the last 3 to 4 months i finally healed from my last bout of rona#and i get it again and im back to square one#i just want to write and feel okay with it and not feel so stuck just trying to come up with a basic sentence#seriously even writing basic shit is hard right now#it took me a week to get 5 pages on duality#and im used to churning out at least 10 pages on my projects at minimum every couple days to a week#man give me chronic pain anyday but don't take away my mind and the freedom that comes with that#sorry guys im feeling sad#i know i gotta give myself time but im impatient#i hate how right before i caught covid again i was gonna get my flu shot and an updated covid vax#wish i could've avoided this crud#having weird chest shit too#was a heart thing now its gerd now its potentially back to a heart thing#im tired#i need a hug#i love you 🫂💙#magenta is my vent word
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.
#feel like such a freak idiot all the time & i never react in the right way and then i hate myself afterwards for reacting wrong and#i'm so scared of like making every situation about my autism that even when i bring it up as a possible explanation for something i've done#i feel like a burden and like i'm making excuses and expecting everyone around me to accommodate my stupid behaviour#but i can't stop doing the thing in the first place no matter how hrd i try because those behaviours are literally hardwired into my brain#don't know how to not do them & i feel like i'm killing myself trying to be normal so hard. i just wish i was like not such a weirdo freak#who could cope with literally anything god i'm so fucking tired and sad about everything it's too hard
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⚠️ Wish Defense Rant Warning ⚠️
ASHA DIDN'T WANT ALL THE WISHES TO BE GRANTED. I can't stress that enough.
Everyone is all like "Asha wanted all the wishes to be granted not all wishes can be granted that's so unrealistic you can't grant everyone's wishes and Magnifico isn't the villain"
Asha didn't want all the wishes to be granted. She VERY CLEARLY stated that she wanted to give the wishes BACK to the people (because Magnifico literally ripped the lives out of them by taking their wishes!). She even SAID that the dangerous wishes could be stopped!
ALL ASHA WANTED WAS TO GIVE THE WISHES BACK TO THE PEOPLE, NOT TO GRANT ALL OF THEM. She wanted all the wishes to have a chance at being granted, not to be granted. And through giving them back, the wishes could then be pursued themselves through their own determination; not relying on Magnifico to grant them.
"Giving the wishes back" and "granting the wishes" are two completely different things!
And not everyone's wishes were even granted at the end of the movie! They were left to pursue them themselves if they chose to do so. It's exactly like what Sabino said; "I may not pursue my wish but it's nice to know that I can."
The plot was not about Asha wanting to grant everyone's wishes. It was about giving them back (because you literally lose a piece of yourself when you give up your wish to Magnifico!!!) and restoring the lives of the people of Rosas.
People are acting like the wishes are like "oh, I wish I can have a ham sandwich for lunch tomorrow" Like no! The plot clearly states that the wishes aren't just any wishes. They're the ones that drive your heart, the one that makes you who you are. How would you feel if you gave your wish to Magnifico and you got your memory erased, and you don't even remember the most important part of yourself?!?!
People are even complaining about the concept of the wishes being in magic spheres. They're even complaining that "you can literally see the wishes in the spheres!" Like...obviously! How else is Magnifico supposed to see what the wishes are?!?!?!
I even heard someone say like "You can't grant all the wishes, like you can't grant a 5-year-old's wish to become a monkey" Did you even pay attention?! The plot clearly states, MANY times, that you have to be 18 or older to give up your wish to Magnifico! By then, the wish that drives your heart will probably be connected to your passion (like singing or music or baking, etc.).
Magnifico "decides to grant the wishes that are good for Rosas" because the wishes power his sorcery and magic when destroyed. And Magnifico literally makes his people forget the wishes they made, that's basically ripping out their personality from them! Giving their wishes to Magnifico literally rips the life out of them and physically drains them, and it pains them when their wishes are destroyed entirely. And then he's driven LITERALLY INSANE AND COMPLETELY UNHINGED with his sorcery. He literally keeps the wishes for himself. He literally ONLY GRANTS THE WISHES THAT BENEFIT HIMSELF AND HIS POWER. He's literally so manipulative and LIES about the wishes being dangerous! (He OUTRIGHT LIED about Sabino's wish. Inspiring the next generation is not a dangerous wish!) He's literally a narcissist.
HE IS THE VILLAIN.
Asha was actually a great protagonist. She does have some of that "adorkable" Disney heroine feel, but that doesn't make her a bad character. She was an amazing, very well developed character and her personality was great. Edit: she was NOT adorkable. She was such a well developed character and she was amazing.
I loved that she sketches and even does flipbook animation! SHE WAS NOT SELFISH. She didn't want all the wishes to be granted, she wanted to give the wishes back.
And apparently "This Wish" is getting hate just because there wasn't a big belt in the song. It's not that kind of song. Disney movies use songs to push the plot along. The overall tone and dynamics of the songs are what help the story along. "This Wish" is not one of those songs that has a loud belt in it. It's supposed to be quieter. Disney songs sound like they do for a reason. "This Wish" was beautifully performed by Ariana DeBose and didn't need a big belt.
Disney, David Metzger, Benjamin Rice, and Julia Michaels used a fresh approach on the songs and the animation; and because it's different than the most recent Disney animated movies, everyone goes lashing out on it just because it's fresh and new.
Clearly, people didn't pay attention when they were watching it.
Did they even watch Wish? I'm halfway convinced that secretly there's some sort of doppelganger bad version of Wish they watched, because we definitely did not watch the same movie.
The animation was absolutely gorgeous, the music was so fresh (and I may or may not listen to the soundtrack on repeat), the characters were awesome, the animation was absolutely stunning, the humor actually cracked me up, and this movie made me CRY and it gave me so many feels. Everything about this movie makes me so happy, it's such a fresh approach for Disney and it's a perfect love letter to Disney animation.
Disney genuinely worked so hard on Wish and it makes me so upset to see all the hate that it's getting.
Like Disney actually makes a really good movie for once and everybody's hating on it.
I understand the reasons that people didn't like Wish, and some of them I agree with, but that doesn't mean that I don't like it. I loved it and I thought it was great! I agree, there could've been some things better about it (they could've made it longer, that one lyrics "shareholders", etc.) but you don't have to go all out on hating this movie.
Could it have been better? Totally! Was it a horrible movie? Absolutely not.
All these "critics" and "movie reviewers" are just so nitpickity. They see a few TINY things wrong with the movie and then go "this is the worst Disney movie ever" and "this sucks so bad" and "Magnifico is the good guy" And they keep saying "this is an insult to Disney fans". How would you know? You're not a Disney fan, so how would you know? (Most) Disney fans, including me, actually loved the movie!
I'm literally crying because all the "reviews" are so negative and they're completely ruining this amazing movie for me. I just feel so shut down because (I'm sorry, I have to say it) all the negative reviews are wrong. And some of these "critics" are making these reviews without even having seen the movie!!! Wish was so magical and breathtaking, and it's been Disney's best movie in a very, very, very, very long time.
People keep bringing out all the negatives of Wish and never the positives. If they keep bringing up the negatives, people will only ever see Wish as a bad movie. Yes, there were some flaws (no movie is perfect!), but that doesn't mean that there's nothing good about it.
Disney was truly trying their hardest and yet Wish is getting hate after hate after hate. THEY GAVE THE FANS WHAT THEY WANTED. Incorporated 2D animation ✓ Fresh music ✓ Fairytale ✓ Original story ✓ Stunning animation ✓ Truckload of references ✓ Great characters ✓ Good protagonist ✓ Amazing songs ✓ An actual classic Disney villain with a great upbeat villain song (not to mention a DILF) ✓ Breathtaking design ✓ Detailed plot ✓
And yet people are STILL complaining!!! (I mean most of them aren't Disney fans so how would they know if a Disney movie's good or not)
I'm starting to think that this was a movie specifically aimed at fans; and it's getting so much hate because these "critics"/"reviewers" and these people watching the movie aren't Disney fans and they don't understand the magic and how hard Disney really worked on it.
They're like "oh the plot is so unoriginal". Since when has Disney ever made a movie specifically focusing on wishing, with tons of references, blending 2D style with 3D animation, and satisfying various fan demands? Like what Disney movie has ever had a plot so similar to this one? That's what I thought. NONE. It was literally made in honor of Disney 100. YES, there ARE callbacks to previous Disney movies (such as Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, etc.). But these people are looking at all these similarities, then IMMEDIATELY jumping to "oh the plot is so unoriginal because they're combining previous Disney films to make this one".
And they're all like "oh the concept art was better". If you liked the concept art, that's great! I LOVE IT TOO! But every final design is carefully chosen for a reason.
They're all complaining about "Star could've been a shapeshifter and Asha and star boy could've had a romance". (but ngl I LOVEEEEE all the fanart and the concept art) and "we were robbed" and "it would've made the movie better" You're missing the point! Star carried the movie with Asha just fine as just a cute, magical, nonverbal star. STAR IS ADORABLE AND IS BY FAR ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS FROM THE MOVIE. Wish was not a movie that needed romance. It would've been nice, sure, but the plot works without it.
Edit: STARBOY WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE A LOVE INTEREST FOR ASHA. (Just found that out)
Also, people complaining about "we need romance" and "Disney hasn't given us romance in so long" Elemental. Did you watch Elemental?!?! That had romance!!!
Just because Asha's friends are based off the seven dwarfs doesn't mean that they're not great characters! Sure, I wish that they were a bit more original, but that doesn't mean they're bad characters! They might be based off of the seven dwarfs, but it WORKS. I loved all of Asha's friends.
Honestly, all of the hate for Wish is just plain hilarious now because none of it is even accurate.
As a Disney fan who actually loved it, I'm so so so scared of the hate I'm gonna get. Because the people who hated it are basically saying "either you hate it or you're wrong". And I shouldn't have to worry about that. Like what have I ever done to you? I'm not hating on the things you like, am I? Like I feel so bad about myself now because it seems like the only right thing to do is hate Wish, and that I'm not allowed to like it because a majority of people don't and that I'm a horrible person for liking it. I feel so terrible about liking Wish now because a majority of people are saying it's so bad and that if you don't despise it, you're wrong. And I don't think I should be feeling this way.
Edit: I can't even bring myself to even listen to the soundtrack anymore. As if someone is watching over my shoulder and will find out that I'm listening to it, and then they'll attack me for it.
I just wanna cry tbh like this is just so hard for me to deal with. I'm literally not allowed to like anything anymore. It's "it has to be 100% perfect with no flaws whatsoever or it's horrible".
Seriously?!?! Like that's so unrealistic no movie will ever be absolutely perfect all movies have flaws!!!
I WENT TO SEE WISH AND EXPECTED BETTER. I didn't get what I was expecting (and actually was a bit disappointed) but I STILL LOVED IT. You can like movies that have flaws. Sure, Wish wasn't perfect and yes, THERE WERE FLAWS. But that doesn't mean that there weren't good things about it either!!!
Most people who watched it I don't think payed attention to the movie (because what they're saying about it doesn't even line up with the plot!). So if you're hating on Wish, please keep your opinions to yourself and don't lash out on the people who liked it. You're perfectly entitled to your own opinion, it's just that some opinions are very hurtful to others and some aren't true.
Wish was a masterpiece (in my opinion), I enjoyed it a lot.
EDIT: I just found out that Wish won awards for "Best Animated Feature", "Best Songs", and "Best Original Score". If this doesn't tell you that this is a good movie, I don't know what will.
#disneynerdpumpkin#disney#wish 2023#disney wish#wish disney#wish rant#this makes me so sad#disney worked so hard on wish and it's getting so much hate#i'm so sad and now i feel like i can't enjoy this movie anymore#i loved wish sm and i'm so sad to see all the hate it's getting#disney actually made a good movie for once and it's getting hate because people are just so nitpickity#if you don't like it i don't care you're perfectly entitled to your own opinion#got my first hate message after I posted this#not only are these people hating on an actually great movie they're making me feel so terrible about myself#i'm about to cry i just feel so bad#like i literally can't like my fandoms anymore or be true to myself and i can't have my own opinions anymore#i know i'm not the only one who actually liked Wish#like just because a movie isn't perfect doesn't mean it's entirely bad#disney rant#rant post#personal rant#ranting#sorry for the rant#vent#venting#personal vent#vent post
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looking at some takes on characters or relationships or scenes in which things happen between them and just thinking,
How in the hell are people interpreting it this way??? But then i step back and realize that the story or character in question is fundamentally and extraordinarily different from the average person's life experience and I go,
ah,
you guys just... don't have a deep enough understanding of trauma responses...
#mine#vagueblogging again i guess but this applies to many things#its honestly okay that the general public doesn't grasp the deeper layers at play because tbh theyre not often explored in media#to that degree at least#ive known someone with deep. Deep. DEEP traumas#shit that no human should ever go through and sounds almost cartoonishly evil#and the truth is#healing from that is UGLY. the impact it has on how a person interacts with their life is unimaginable#and it often makes NO SENSE AT ALL to someone who hasn't experienced the same shit#it's not as simple as 'i'm sad or scared and i cry easily but if youre nice to me and love me it'll go away'#in my own experience of loving someone like that#you sometimes have to work at helping them rewrite their entire philosophies.#things you wouldnt even think of#sometimes expressing sadness or pain is the hardest part about it because they're so used to turning the other cheek to survive#sometimes theyre so used to being manipulated that they reject any kindness you offer in the most viscerally violent way#and it hurts!#communication is HARD!#receiving love is HARD!#i was listening to Raon Lee's cover of Kokoronashi#and thinking about how raw the emotions are in the lyrics#and how so many average joes out there wouldn't be able to make any sense of it but those who do get it really get it#(essentially like... 'i wish you would just get it overwith and tear me apart#bc it would hurt less than the confusion i feel at how you're kind to me and holding me and promising to never let go...#at least i know how to handle the pain of dying#this is so confusing and frightening what youre doing to me. i hate it i hate it but please... don't leave me alone')#(its such a gorgeous song)#sHIT AND THEN 2 SECONDS LATER I FIND KOHANA LAM'S COVER OF IT AND IT'S SO MUCH MOR E#for the love of god look up that song and turn on lyrics captions
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me being stressed overstimulated and paralysed: I want this to stop
my brain's autocorrect: did you say you want to kys?
me the alexithymic: am I having the bad thoughts?
#yk i really have a hard time differentiating#as far as my nrain is concerned they probably mean the same thing#consciously actually trying to deduct wjat im feeling orher than throwing it in a “i want to die” umbrella is hard#because i DON'T. it's not what i feel but the sentence somehow keeps conveying the meaning of “I want this to stop”#i know im not suicidal.#but because i can't directly be aware of wjat om feeling this is the alarm that lets me know if something is wrong#like i can be hungry#ir i can be embarrassed tp the extent i want to unexist#i could be ashamed of myself or be hating myself#i could be feeling sad#i could be anxious#SOMETIMES EVEN HAPPY#or exhausted#all if these translate into: “i wanna die” in a jumbled unclear foggy mess of emptions I can't differentiate#I dont want to die. i just wish i had an exit#that's probably why i disassociate so often anyways and freeze up staring at the wall#I'm not suicidal. i know that... the word i want to kms just is very... convenient fory brain to simplify abstract concepts of emotions in#vent#cw vent#alexithymia#mental health#I'm writing this for myself to know that this time im not running away from aknowledging my feelings
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I love the vocal nuance in this exchange, but also posting this for my differences posts because this is one of the changes that infuriates me the most. Yuri didn't threaten Ioder, did not threaten him with a weapon, and just said he'd punch him in a lazy, half joking voice (half joking as in, he really doesn't want to hear that - that's just his way of saying so; but that's not the voice of someone who is super angry and threatening).
My other huge grievance is that this is a recurring issue between them in the dub. Yuri is pretty much always vocally rude to Ioder. Ioder has done nothing to wrong him or anyone and has only ever done good for the people where he's able to.
Yet despite Ioder being nothing but sincere, honest and polite with Yuri, in fact even happy to see him here and there, dub Yuri is outright tonally rude to him leading right up this scene where he threatens Ioder in this dark voice. Meanwhile he's actually just supposed to be… lazily telling Ioder he'll punch him in his Yuri Lowell way of saying "I don't want to hear that".
The dub really just wanted to turn Yuri into this dark edgelord and I hate that for my goofy, silly boy.
#GTF Vesperia Clips#honestly JP Yuri talks abt punching ppl often enough that it's like... this should have been an easy tl#and like honestly wtf is with the dub having Yuri at Ioder's absolute THROAT every time they talk#I'm serious when I say dub Yuri genuinely pisses me off sometimes bc he's an asshole for NO reason#it's not cool. I'm not rooting for him. I'm rooting for someone to punch him in the face for being an ass#JP Yuri would love to do it honestly he's always up for punching ppl it's a recurring theme for /him/#I've never wanted to punch JP Yuri in the face. I've wanted to punch dub Yuri in the face multiple times#that's enough for me to recognize that the dub took more than just ''creative liberties'' with the loc#it SUCKS too bc the dub in and of itself isn't bad. I've said this before but#it really is primarily Yuri and his absolute ATTITUDE problem /and/ the way the dub treats Flynn and puts him down constantly#and unfortunately often uses Yuri to do it... when they're not having Flynn himself do it#all always in areas that never even happened originally. they just literally made it up#still not over how they had Flynn basically berate himself by saying ''like a /good knight/'' at Yormgen#the dub very clearly had a /narrative/ bias against imperial figures/knights that wasn't in the original#what was the reason to drop Sodia calling Yuri ''sir'' at Aurnion? there wasn't one!#but Sodia BaD so we can't possibly let anyone see her character development and have to hide it from dub players!#unfortunately for me the dub not being bad in and of itself truly is trumped by#its treatment of Yuri and Flynn as characters and the way the game narratively directs players#for me it really is THAT BAD that it's stronger than the rest of the dub being just fine#and it really truly honestly RUINS the entire dub for me bc I love Yuri and Flynn and hate seeing them treated like that#I mean literally the whole point of me making those text posts is bc of my love for Yuri lol#and it's so sad and hard to see dub players not get the same Yuri experience simply bc... they don't even know#a lot of people didn't even realize how different he was and like... I get loving Troy's acting#but again Troy isn't the problem here. I don't want a dub that treats my favorites the way it does#I WISH Troy could have voiced Yuri the way he really is. in some way for me it feels very lonely#bc like the casual person I pass by who knows Vesp isn't likely to have not played the dub you know??#so it's like... I wanna talk abt Yuri but we aren't even talking abt the same Yuri#nearly outta tags lol but yeah it just... makes me SO sad that they did all this to those two
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#6 hours and i'm trying not to feel sad about my domestic prompt i posted today but#sometimes as really any creative person will tell you it's hard to feel like you're doing something people are interested in because#of numbers which i hate the numbers game#but idk 6 hours and 35 notes is kinda sad for me i guess#i'm not asking for pity reblogs and know people often also put this stuff in queues#but idk#i'm also post-period so i think i'm in my silly sads#bc i'm still grateful for any like or reblog and the people who write very kind things in the comments and stuff#like y'all i love y'all sometimes i do a lil screencap and shove it in my 'silly sads' folder to read when i feel like this#idk. i know my art isn't for everyone and suptober i don't use a lot of colors and their noses are big and maybe i'm not as expressive as#i'd like to be with my figures and faces and art in general but idk#i'm in my ~*silly sads*~ i jut don't know how to like idk#i hate talking about this bc in one voice I'll sound SUPER ungrateful for people who usually always like comment or share my stuff and i'm#NOT whatsoever ungrateful like i said i store you in my silly sads folder lol y'all are the whole reason why i keep drawing#i just wish i knew how to feel like an artist i guess
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"people love you uwu people care about you" okay? not my problem. love me less. can we work out a reasonable level of care where it's obviously not cool if horrible things happen to me, a human being, and you won't do any horrible thing to me, but you don't feel obligated to fuss over anything out of the ordinary i do and i have to shut up about it and perform Normal Human Emotions lest i commit an awful social faux pas and hurt your feelings?
#like idk. can you care about stuff that matters? i guess is what i'm asking?#sorry that my own self-directed problems hurt you <3#sorry that i'm a horrible person if i talk about it and a horrible person if i don't <3#i just shouldn't have problems i guess cant believe i didnt think abt that#sorry i don't really care if people would be sad to see me die#would actually be pretty nice to get past the huge feeling of guilt over not being helpful all the fucking time#like i can't go through life being a service dog for everybody around me#(and i dont to be clear. it's not possible and when i say i feel guilty over not doing it it doesn't mean i do 100% of the time)#(i do try to be helpful and useful and i hate missing an opportunity but also i don't have 24/7 free of obligations)#(and i can't magically spot and correctly understand what could need help)#(but i feel like it does take up a good portion of my life. mostly bc everybody around me has Problems rn)#(and because the overlap of ''things that feel good for me'' and ''things that are good for other people'' is pretty small so far)#it's just. yknow. i would like it if for once i could express a negative feeling without it being a huge offense to people around me#ejhrkthrjeh i know i'm just asking the universe if pretty please my actions could have zero consequences and it's overall unrealistic#but like. god. i wish for once it was met with indifference. casual vibes. not a huge deal yknow.#some of my friends do sometimes! it's nice! but of course i can't talk abt the problems that directly include them#i know it makes me so shit at reacting to ppls problems. like either i overcompensate with the worry cuz i feel like thats what they want#or i react coldly and dont provide anything useful to the situation#broadcasting my misery#vent
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#my posts#...........................................................................................................................................#............................................................................................................................................#is that enough i think that's enough#yeah that's how its going#everything's been getting worse and I've been feeling very bad but also very pathetic and like complaining almost makes me feel worse but#i can't do anything else about this so like. vent post lmao bc I'm a dumbass#i truly just want to(redacted)but one of those isn't an option and the other i have a drs appointment soon and i don't want to explain that#everything is just. bad. and what isn't i feel like it's getting bad and it's my fault. and I'm probably right.#just. i hate it here#the deserving mentality is truly getting to me and i fucking hate it. it's not logical. I'll still agree with it.#i truly don't deserve the food stuff i can't keep in my life and i deserve the shit that in getting and i can't stop agreeing with that#'oh this classmate wants to have lunch with me on Saturday after working on something! i should cancel before it's too late-#-so i can continue feeling bad for being an apple bc people should hate me bc I'm horrible and don't deserve kindness' like#it's. it's false. it's not logical. and yet#everyone else there's the fucking plexiglass wall and where it wasn't i think it's getting formed and it is my fault probably#i am annoying that one is true#.... I've been making posts like this all day and deleting them bc I'm pathetic also. it's.#... there's a little too much going on lmao#nothing's worth it and i feel like shit and anything i could try to do about it doesn't work and I'm just tired#... in case someone does read this i know it sounds worrying but nothing will happen tbh I'm just a pathetic coward who's sad and tired#and tired of being sad in a way that feels like it's getting worse#I'm not very sure when was the last time i felt. this bad in just. i don't know how to make it stop lmao#also in already annoying so this is all i can do i think lmao#i think I'm seeing now I'm just. being redundant and if i keep this up too much i will delete this. and i should but. i don't think i will#also without saying much this year the one thing™ has been worse than usual and that's not helping either so it truly is just.#that everything is kinda very bad#.... yeah. whatever. it's just.¯\_(ツ)_/¯#... i truly wish killing myself was still an option like when i was a teen bit it's not so i just have to deal with whatever this is#... i hate being aware this is all super illogical bc the logical post of my brain teams up making me feel worse somehow.
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i wish there'd been a butch/masc barbie. there was weird barbie who i loved but it made me sad that even in this utopia for women butch women are still shunned
#weird barbie was good social commentary i relate to her a lot and really like her#weird barbie was realistic#(i say abt the talking doll movie)#but i wish there had just been butch and gender nc women casually displayed#rather than again again isolated and alienated#i feel so fucking alone#not even in this fucking feminist utopia are we considered worthy of more than isolation and mockery#and i KNOW that the point was that this was bad#and the other barbies accepted and apologized by the end#but i'm SAD#for once i want a butch women who's storyline isn't just that society doesn't accept her#i don't need a story for that bro it's my life!!#her being part of barbieland from the start would have cured me#this isn't really a critique of barbie idk ik it was deliberate i just hate it#barbie#barbie 2023#weird barbie
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i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore
#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth#it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression#hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13#which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place#at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since#i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it#even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway#i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly#there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt#i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone#and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry#i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig.#nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating#i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could#wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over#nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop#vent#suicide //#negative //#ask to tag#i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that#(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse)#tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐#sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche
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