#havent been feeling all the way like myself

[reveromantics]

hi! im a pro endo system with DID who wants final fusion for my traumagenic sysmates. i cant speak for everyone, but i can explain why i personally want it:

for me, i dont see fusion as alters "not existing anymore." i see it as becoming a more solidified version of myself. these separated parts of me all represent pieces of what could be a whole me, and ive noticed my sense of overall identity growing stronger as ive done more work towards general integration.

if my alters were to fuse, i believe they would still be themselves, just more whole and able to work together. i also want fusion because i want to lessen my dissociation and amnesia to subclinical levels (since those symptoms distress me) and doing that would most likely result in fusion anyway.

i know this metaphor is used often, but i compare my goals with fusion to how gems fuse in Steven Universe. think Garnet for example- she's made up of 2 gems that are deeply connected to one another, to the point of being able to exist as one entity on a regular basis. thats how i see alter fusion for myself, it wouldnt be "getting rid" of my alters, it would be connecting to other parts of myself so well that we can exist as one and work together consistantly.

it would get rid of a lot of my distress, too. my alters dont currently all get along, and thats not a reflection of my syscourse stances, thats just part of my disorder. i was abused in a way that made me hate various parts of myself, and that self hatred manifested as alters who disagree and harm one another. i want to get everyone on the same page about what we want out of life, i dont want my alters to harm each other, and thats all part of my efforts to generally integrate.

while i havent achieved a fusion yet, i have achieved some level of integration across my system, and that's been a huge positive for my mental health. having a more rounded and clear vision of my overall identity has made me feel more secure and confident in how i navigate the world, and its helped some of my alters feel less isolated since they can connect to this overall identity im figuring out.

obviously fusion isnt for everyone, and other systems who do want fusion may have totally different reasons for it, but these are my personal thoughts/experiences!

Tw: fusion mention

Can someone explain why a system might want to fuse into one person again? Does anyone have experience with that? Do headmates actually want that in some cases? Is it only because they hate being a system or because they hate each other?

Because any time we see someone talking about fusion it's from anti endo DID systems who hate each other and think being a system is awful. And we kind of really hate that.

We don't understand why headmates might literally want to stop existing. It doesn't seem healthy. But we also don't want to judge people without trying to understand.

[savage-rhi]

Magenta 😟

[puppppppppy]

learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way

[kawaii-kushami]

having one of those mid-20s moments where you're like well damn. im really not a teenager anymore i dont hate myself anymore actually. like its insane

sorry i gotta ramble but this feels too silly to post anywhere else

[roguelioness]

well the DA ama just reinforces my belief that all of veilguard is the equivalent of a magic fever dream after solas brought down the veil and rook + inky are still out there trying to find him

[seiwas]

just a lil bit of a share ! i’ve been feeling really down lately about not writing that much 🥲 and keeping up with posting more frequently/updating a few of my series more regularly 🥲 but i looked at my masterlists and noticed almost 60% of my fics are actually from this year and we’re only half-way in 🥺

anyway ! the point of this is, if you’re being too hard on yourself today, i hope you’re reminded that you’re doing much better than you think 🥺

[ecrireverie]

okay lol mini rant in the tags sorry i just HAD to get this off my chest 😭 sorry if this is very incoherent and poorly worded or structured or whatever i'm just. pretty out of it and i cannot really think to write this properly. well, that or i am probably just illiterate actually. Yeah that's it lol

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

had quite the night drive earlier this evening.

[angelstrawbabie420]

in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.

[scattered-winter]

its wild just realizing how much people have done and experienced and how prepared they are for what's to come when i am . very much not . lmao

[sieglinde-freud]

so the way endings in awakening work is a bit off if you have the gay mod because it reads single people normally, but married people have the man’s ending read, and then his wife just. attached. and so that alters which ending you see for both of them. unfortunately, that means if i have f/f pairs, which most of them were, i dont get to see any because none of them were read. and at least with the second gen, i did almost entirely f/f pairs, which dont show up, or m/m pairs, which had nothing written, so. everyone please give it up for gerome and cynthia, the only second gen ending i got to see!

��😭 good for them!!! anyways unorganized final thoughts under cut so i dont have to make a whole other post for it

awakening lunatic sucks! but project thabes makes it suck a little less. in all honesty i had a lot of fun, awakenings a good game to revisit, and finding a way to make it challenging while being able to use my favorite units (awakening second gen) ever was awesome. normally having all 13 (or 14 in this case, with both morgans) would break the game, but lunatic kept the enemies strong, so it didnt matter what my units had. i actually got overwhelmed a lot 😭 HUGE difficulty jump between hard and lunatic all i’m saying. and then the games like “hey now u have lunatic+ if that interests you” NOOOOO THANKS.

anyways. here are my top three guys according to the medal thingies at the end

im so proud of them :3 of all the kids really but yeah these three were huge standouts. virion actually got a change in the mod where one of his subclasses was swapped for myrmidon, so yarne got to inherit astra which was actually insane? it procced ALL THE TIME so. that was crazy. chrom!inigo and fred!cynthia are always good thats not new but they were really clutch in the last few chapters. i had them both hopping around classes for most of the game bc thabes redoes skill progression so. IT TOOK CYNTHIA SO LONG TO LEARN LUNA. ITS FROM WYVERN LORD. GOD. she went through a LOT of classes yall dont even know. also honorable mention to marc and morgan, the best rallybots ever, and dancer lucina, who was outserving everyone she was in a scene with. my girl.

like ok serving cunt on the back of the god youre about to kill? get it girl!

anyways so for second gen pairs i did: lucina/f!morgan, owain/m!morgan, inigo/laurent, yarne/brady, severa/kjelle, nah/noire, and cynthia/gerome and you know what. i think i have a great taste. a lot of these were born from being unable to do other pairings but thats ok. i liked how it turned out. though i was gonna do nah/noire anyways because they were actually like. an insane duo. honestly im surprised noire didnt get a medal thing bc i feel like her nostanking with nah backing her up got me out of so much shit. maybe its because i didnt see her ending… oh. oh wait thats probably it. well. anyways.

i think awakening is not a properly balanced game, nor are the maps made for a difficulty like this. towards the end game especially, the maps are just. flat. most of them anyways, and they just become really repetitive and bland and boring. and despite this being the game with the tactician character of all the time, they dont really allow you flexible strategies, because if youre not pair up stat stacking, you will die! and that sucks. mid game is alright, but the last arc is really weak and kinda dampered my whole experience. im glad i did it, but i wouldnt actually reccomend it to anyone unless you like to play like that (which is totally fine! its just not my thing). definitely requires some solid planning as well. all in all, not the worst fire emblem ive played but… well. im not doing it again. ok anyways heres inigo mouthing off at grima

[stargirlsuicide]

gonna start journaling

[green-mountain-goose]

no but like i'm too stubborn to live without things being right

[transmogrified-in-the-void]

Very happy I'm going back to therapy next week

[todayisafridaynight]

ohhhh my god im going to fucking throw up thinking again about the scene where sawashiro almost lopping off ichi's pinky parallels the scene from earlier where arakawa's mom threatens him with scissors

[phagodyke]

in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....