#it’s kind of how i discipline myself (?) like. when i need to focus on writing i limit scrolling as much as i can 🥲

[seiwas]

just a lil bit of a share ! i’ve been feeling really down lately about not writing that much 🥲 and keeping up with posting more frequently/updating a few of my series more regularly 🥲 but i looked at my masterlists and noticed almost 60% of my fics are actually from this year and we’re only half-way in 🥺

anyway ! the point of this is, if you’re being too hard on yourself today, i hope you’re reminded that you’re doing much better than you think 🥺

[merakiui]

I told myself I wouldn't enjoy the step sibling shit but RAHHH THE WAY YOU WRITE STEP BROTHER SUNDAY I'M FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. Need this man to bend me over and discipline me right now, Sunday brainrot is real

:3 hehe all according to my master plan!!!!

Stepbrother Sunday is such a creature,,, he's so gross. <3 the type to steal your underwear and hoard it for himself,,, even better, he insists on handling chores like laundry just so he has the opportunity to snoop through your clothes, especially your undergarments.

Thinking about Sunday and his pierced wing....... what if he pierced it himself??? What if he learns you've been considering getting a piercing and he wants to be the one to do it? (because according to your stepbrother wouldn't it be safer and cleaner if he does it instead of some stranger? Truthfully, Sunday just doesn't like the idea of another person putting their hands on you, especially if the piercing is to be in an intimate area).

Going shopping with stepbrother Sunday and he insists on holding all of your bags. In his mind, this is a date. He watches you look at all kinds of clothes, trying them on and asking for his opinion. Sunday appreciates you in everything and anything, but if you go shopping with him enough times his tastes and preferences will start to show with every outfit he judges. :)

Aaaaa or stepbrother Sunday sitting you on his lap while he cockwarms/fingers/touches you. Maybe you're on the phone and have to keep your composure....... waaaaa imagine watching a movie together and you're both relaxing on the sofa and there's a blanket covering you to hide the fact that he's got his dick between your thighs!!!!!! orz

Or or!!!! College au and Gallagher is your professor and Sunday takes the same classes as you just to make sure that professor never makes a move on you. >:( Sunday is watching him like a hawk. Or maybe he's the bartender at the club you like to frequent on weekends when you don't have lots of coursework to focus on. Sunday who follows you just to see what you get up to, stalking you only to ensure you're safe. It's pure coincidence he happens to be nearby to swoop in and save you should anything unsavory happen.

He's so controlling sometimes, lecturing you about how you ought to be more aware of your status and surroundings. You're part of the Oak Family now, and with that comes the expectation that you act responsibly so as to not sully the Family's name. You never seem to get along with him when he has so many expectations for you, but all of your grudges seem to melt away as soon as he's balls deep inside you hehe.

[ernmark]

When I was in college, a friend of mine got a job at one of the campus help centers where they're supposed to help students who are struggling get their feet under them.

Based on his training there, he insisted that he wanted to have a similar session with me in order to Fix me.

(This speaks volumes about the help the other students were getting, I think.)

See, the entirety of his assistance was sitting with me and creating a nice, tidy little schedule for my life in fifteen-minute increments, with tidy little spots for daily workouts and weekly meal prep. And he kept getting frustrated with me for not being able to put my activities for the day in any order, or assign them specific periods of time, or being willing to commit to following this militant schedule to the letter.

He wouldn't hear the fact that I'm a writer-- I have no control over when the words come. Sometimes I'll be doing something Very Important and I'll have to put it on hold because if I don't write this line of dialogue down Right This Second it's going to make it impossible for me to focus at all. Sometimes I'll be staring at a blank word document for two hours and get a sentence and a half done. Sometimes it'll be three in the morning and I'll have been writing for five hours straight but I won't be able to sleep until I get it written.

He wouldn't hear the fact that I have debilitating depression, and sometimes it takes hours to gather enough energy just to get dressed.

He wouldn't hear the fact that I don't actually know how long something like cooking is going to take, because every recipe calls for completely different cook and prep time, and I can't predict what's going to be utterly unappetizing until I look in the fridge for that meal.

There was no accommodation for the fact that I have a sleep disorder, which between the depression and the rest, makes it damn well impossible to predict when I'll be able to start sleeping, or when I'd need to wake up in order to be rested.

And that's what it comes down to-- there was absolutely no leniency or accommodation for anything outside of that ultra-disciplined, hyper-regimented approach. There was no allowance made for neurodivergence or disability of any kind. Despite knowing me for years at that point, he couldn't understand why I just didn't Try Harder. Clearly I'd succeed if I just did it his way.

A few things that did actually help me, for the record:

When there's something that I Know is going to occupy the entirety of my brain until I do it, I just freakin' stop whatever else I'm doing and do it. In my case, that's usually writing down whatever bit is in my head, but also it can be getting out of bed to make sure I turned the stove off, or making sure I locked the door, or paying my credit card bills in the middle of the night, or whatever.

A lot of my executive dysfunction is exacerbated by sugar/protein levels, so I keep a supply of protein shakes on-hand. It doesn't necessarily fix my depressive episodes, but it gets me out of those loops where I can't do X until I do Y until I eat and I have to eat first because if I don't eat now then I won't be hungry for dinner and then blah blah blah.

On that note: I can't control when/how I sleep, but I can control how many meals I eat during a day and roughly when they happen. Eating regularly helps to make the rest of my natural rhythms a little more predictable.

I have a short list of foods that my household can reliably eat and try to keep the ingredients for that stocked.

I do actually do a little bit of scheduling-- I set aside a few-hour-block on two days of my week to work out. Not because I Must do it, but so that I'm not preoccupied with the constant background radiation of "I should be working out more". If it's not Monday or Friday, it's not going to happen.

Forgiving myself for not being at peak productivity levels at all times. My boss will get what I have it in me to give them, and not more. My writing might not be at its best all the time, but it's a hell of a lot better than a blank page. Pushing myself past my limits to adhere to an impossible standard only exacerbates all those other problems.

[nanowrimo]

Pro Tips from a NaNo Coach: How to Write a Novel in 30 Days

NaNoWriMo can seem like a daunting task sometimes, for NaNo newbies and veterans alike. Fortunately, our NaNo Coaches are here to help guide you through November! Today, author Adiba Jaigirdar is here to share her advice on how to set yourself up for noveling success:

Welcome to the very first week of NaNoWriMo! I’ve done NaNoWriMo for (almost) every year since 2008. I’ve won some, I’ve lost some, but I’ve learned a lot along the way. In fact, I apply a lot of the tactics I learned in NaNoWriMo to all my writing. When I wrote my second book, Hani and Ishu’s Guide to Fake Dating, I ended up with a first draft of 74,000 words written in 30 days. That wasn’t something I would have thought possible in 2008 when I was slogging through my very first 50,000-word novel. That’s why I’m here today to share with you a few tips and tricks I’ve picked up through my writing journey, in the hopes that they serve you and your novel this November: 

1. Accountability 

One of the most difficult parts of writing a novel is that it requires so much self-discipline. It’s not like a job you show up to where your boss is holding you accountable for how many words you’ve written. Only you are ultimately responsible for how much you get done—which is why it’s easy to get demotivated and give up. So, you need to figure out ways in which you can be accountable for your novel this month.

You’ll be glad to hear that you’ve already taken the first step in doing this: you’ve pledged to do NaNoWriMo. You’re here, ready to write. But you can go a step further: ask your friends and family to hold you accountable by checking in on your progress during the month. If you have friends who are doing NaNoWriMo that’s even better; you can hold each other accountable. If you’re on social media, you can share updates every day and be accountable to your followers. There are a lot of ways to do it; so figure out what kind of accountability works best for you! 

2. Planning 

Planning a novel is definitely not for everyone. This is coming from someone who has pantsed many books! Planning can look different for different people. If you are a true-blue plotter, you might have your entire novel planned from beginning to end, with comprehensive chapter outlines. But if you’re not someone who plots out your entire novel before you’ve written a single word, planning is still important.

This planning can look like a rough outline of your book or finishing your writing day and jotting down a few quick ideas of what to write when you come back to writing the next day, or it can be leaving yourself voice memos as ideas spark when you’re nowhere near your novel. Going into every new day of writing without any idea of what the blank page will hold is very, very daunting, which is why planning ahead can be just the motivation that you need to fulfill your word count goal for the day. 

3. Figure out what works for you 

I have published four books so far and I’ve written many more. The process of writing each of these books has been very different. I drafted one in three months, one in 30 days, one was completely plotted with a rigorous outline, while one was plotted with a flexible outline, and two were completely pantsed. What I’ve learned about myself is that to make a book work, sometimes I have to try something different.

The only thing NaNoWriMo requires of you is to write those 50,000 words. How you go about it depends on you. You don’t have to write every single day if that doesn’t work for you. You can write at the same time every day, or a different time every day depending on what sparks your creativity. You don’t have to participate in writing sprints if writing with a countdown doesn’t help you focus. The point is that now’s your time to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. You might be surprised by what methods you swear will never work for you but ends up helping you over that finish line. 

4. Have fun!

This is easier said than done, but try to enjoy writing your novel. Especially when it feels difficult. When I wrote 74,000 words in 30 days, it felt like a breeze because I was having a lot of fun with my book. Try to remember what makes you excited about your novel and go back to that when it’s tough. If writing is what you love, find the joy of it and nurture it throughout this month. The more you enjoy it, the more likely you are to keep writing.

Adiba Jaigirdar is the award-winning, critically-acclaimed and bestselling author of The Henna Wars, Hani and Ishu’s Guide to Fake Dating, A Million to One, and The Dos and Donuts of Love. A Bangladeshi/Irish writer and former teacher, she has an MA in Postcolonial Studies and a BA in English and History. She is the winner of the YA book prize 2022, the KPMG Children’s Books Ireland Awards 2021, and was a finalist for the 2022 Lambda Literary awards. When not writing, she is probably ranting about the ills of colonialism, playing video games, or expanding her overflowing lipstick collection.

[bloomzone]

I just read your post about discipline and woah -all the answers/solutions I’ve been hiding from myself, to sum it up. But, I’ve really been struggling lately because this year I started off with a lot of missing work because if procrastination and my teachers are still letting me turn it in thank goodness but now I’m always behind because I’m still catching up to what I haven’t done. I’ve also been really lazy with my routines. I guess since it’s already kinda messed up from staying up late doing the missing work I just don’t try. I guess my question is- how to be disciplined when your already behind (even in track I realized I don’t eat enough protein so I can barely do bench presses with just the bar now 😭). Thanks 💕

Hey pookie ! let’s take a deep breath together because it sounds like you’ve been carrying a looooot lately. Missing assignments, late nights, routines slipping—it’s tough.... And I get it, when you’re already behind, it can feel like you’re stuck in quicksand, trying to move but sinking further. First off, I want you to know this: you’re not alone, and you’re not a failure. You’re just in a messy chapter, and messy chapters are where the best stories start.

✒️.. you can turn this around. It’s not going to be perfect, and it won’t happen overnight, but small steps lead to big wins. You’re still here, you’re still trying, and that says so much about your strength. Let’s figure out how to get you back on track without piling more pressure on your shoulders.

Step 1: Forgive Yourself

You’ve made mistakes—we all do. Procrastination got the better of you, and now you’re playing catch-up. That’s okay. Take a moment to forgive yourself because guilt only drains your energy. Say this to yourself: “I messed up, but I’m learning.” That’s growth pookie

Step 2: Prioritize with Purpose

You’re behind, so let’s simplify. Write down everything you need to catch up on, then circle the top three most urgent things. Start with those. The goal isn’t to finish everything in one night—it’s to make progress one step at a time. Progress, no matter how small, is still progress.

Step 3: Set Tiny Wins

Instead of overhauling your entire routine, focus on small, achievable habits. Maybe it’s eating a little more protein at your next meal ?? finishing just one assignment today?? or going to bed 15 minutes earlier. Small wins build momentum, and momentum makes everything feel a little easier.

Step 4: Redefine Discipline

Discipline doesn’t mean being perfect. It means showing up even when things are messy. It’s writing that essay even if you feel unmotivated. It’s eating a snack with protein because your body needs fuel, even if you’re not “in the mood.” Discipline is just you showing up for yourself, one imperfect step at a time.

A Simple Reset Routine

you need to rebuild your days without overwhelming yourself that's the key!

Morning (exemple)

1. Drink a glass of water first thing.

2. Spend 5 minutes writing a short to-do list—no more than three things to focus on today.

3. Move your body for 10 minutes (a walk, light stretches, or just dancing to your favorite song).

4. Breakfast Breakfast Breakfast is IMPORTANT just if u can't eat eat an apple u need energy

Afternoon/Study Time (exemple)

1. Pick one assignment to focus on. Set a timer for 25 minutes and just start. When the timer goes off, take a 5-minute break. Then repeat if needed.

2. Snack on something with protein—nuts, yogurt, or even a boiled egg. Your body needs fuel to keep up with your mind.

Evening (exemple)

1. Spend 10 minutes tidying your space—it’s amazing how a clean desk can clear your mind.

2. Prep for tomorrow: lay out your clothes, pack your bag, and write down one thing you’re grateful for today.

3. Unplug 30 minutes before bed. Read, journal, or listen to music to help you wind down.

(u need to build ur own routine this is just an exemple to give u a push pooks )

Step 5: Be Kind to Yourself

This is a season of growth, not punishment. So when you feel like beating yourself up for being behind, stop. Instead, ask yourself, “What’s one kind thing I can do for myself right now that will help me move forward?” Maybe it’s closing TikTok and starting that assignment. Maybe it’s drinking some water and taking a quick walk to reset. Kindness doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook—it means giving yourself the tools to succeed.

Step 6: Celebrate Every Effort

Turn every step into a victory. You stayed up late to finish an assignment? You’re working hard. You ate a little extra protein today? You’re fueling your body. You’re trying, and that’s worth celebrating. No effort is too small to count.

Remember your why .. why You’re Doing This ?

You’ve got dreams—big ones. That college, that job, that GPA, that version of you who feels strong and proud. They’re still within reach, but they need you to keep showing up. You don’t have to be perfect to get there—you just have to keep going, even when it’s hard.

I know this season feels heavy, but you’re stronger than you think. The fact that you’re still trying, still showing up, means you haven’t given up. And that’s everything. Be gentle with yourself but stay consistent. You’ve got this. One step at a time, you’re climbing your way back up I'M PROUD OF YOU !

@bloomzone 📇

[mindfulstudyquest]

❥﹒♡﹒☕﹒ 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗶 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗳𝘂𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲

𝟭. being consistent in journaling ( 🪻 )

i have recently started journaling more consistently and would like to maintain this line. i tried several times to start, failing miserably, because i couldn't find a method that would keep me motivated for a long time. then i purchased the famous five minutes gratitude journal, which is much easier to keep, and which i manage to update almost every day because by simply having to answer the pre-set questions my brain doesn't experience it as a commitment, unlike writing a diary page. alongside the fmj i have another diary with blank pages that i use as a proper diary, writing my reflections, talking about my day, complaining about negative things and stuff like that. i must say that it's therapeutic. i hope this is the right time i can maintain consistency in writing.

𝟮. having a more balanced diet ( 🍋‍🟩 )

i admit i've been eating like shit lately, a lot of sweets and processed foods alternated with periods of fasting due to guilt with the excuse of not having enough time to cook among the thousand things to do. i want to seriously commit to investing some of my time each week into preparing healthy, homemade meals (i could share some recipes here if you want, lmk) that keep me energized and don't ruin my hard work at the gym by adding empty calories to my diet.

𝟯. being consistent in the gym ( 🍄 )

and then obviously going to the gym at least 3 times a week, not really due to a matter of weight/aesthetics, but to cultivate discipline and focus. i believe that physically venting stress is the best and healthiest way to handle the crushing weight of life lately. sometimes i simply need to unload my energy without throwing a fit and risking venting it on someone who has nothing to do with it.

𝟰. reading at least 10 pages per day ( 📚 )

i love reading. i love reading madly, but i also know that i often find a thousand excuses not to do it. my brain fried by social media and zombie scrolling doesn't like the idea of concentrating on printed pages at all and i always put off reading all those books placed on my shelf gathering dust. i haven't read a book in months, so the time has come to break this bad habit and take back my greatest passion. i won't even mention all the benefits of reading, because only one book can give you so much in such a short time.

𝟱. sleep at least 8 hours ( ☕ )

i think my lack of sleep has a psychological component, but i'm no expert so what i say may not actually make any sense. i sleep little, much less than i need, when i was in high school i finished studying very late at night (past 3am) every day because i was so dependent on academic validation that the idea of getting a slightly lower grade than my usual could make me throw up. the thing is, i always delay going to sleep, even though my body is begging me to do so, and i think it's due to an inherent fear that the next day i'll have to go through it all over again. consequently in the morning i'm a wreck and i have to drag myself out of bed, being 30% as productive as i actually could be. i think it's time to work on my sleep schedule much more seriously, i think it could boost my health a lot.

𝟲. spend 15min in the sun every day ( ☀️ )

as a woman i know how important it is to be in the sun to produce vitamin D, unfortunately for me i'm some kind of goblin vampire who can't stay in the sun for more than five minutes without getting sunburned – on top of that my eyes start to water when the light too strong. i'll arm myself with sunscreen and give my body what it needs, hoping i won't get arthritis in my forties.

let me know in the comments what are YOU planning to improve in the near future <3

[goldeneyedgirl]

I feel the NEED to talk about how much Deaf Mary Alice means to me because this story doesn't get enough love??? I have so many questions and thoughts and headcanons (headcanon over the fic yes because I can't help myself) Like.......Jasper just created a language to communicate with her?? Try to tell me this isn't the epitome of romanticism. I would very much like to know how were the first days he spent with her in South, the ideia that he let her get so close to him makes me so 😭💝🥰😫 (also this is very funny in my mind. I supposed she didn't know how to read back then so the communication had to be a challenge, especially if the only thing Jasper was used to teach people was murder)

Anon, I am SO happy and excited that you love Deaf Mary-Alice; I have fun writing a version of Mary-Alice that isn't as depressed and miserable. This version of Mary-Alice definitely tries to outrun her trauma and unhappiness and focus on the good.

I've only got notes for their first meeting (Mary-Alice is very much the 'lost kitten' that kind of keeps going to find Jasper over and over again. And all the other soldiers are bewildered by her, because the Major is *terrifying* and they wouldn't even make eye contact with him if they had a choice) because I keep changing my mind. I can't decide if Jasper did try to discipline Mary-Alice like the other newborns, or if he's always a little bit gentle with her.

Anon, I will cheerfully answer any questions about this verse, and squeal over your headcanons. I am always over the moon when people enjoy my weird little Jalice takes.

I've got a little snippet of some of Alice's feelings below, I hope you enjoy it!

deaf mary-alice.

Sometimes, it’s hard. Especially with the Cullens. She’s never really been bothered by the silence, especially with Jasper. It’s never about living in a quiet world - she doesn't remember any different.

It’s always been about not being alone.

But when her words run out, when she doesn’t know how to say what she needs to, the quiet presses down on her. How does she explain everything she needs Jasper to know? That all of the years, all of the darkness and rage and violence that she lived through, are still there - she just chooses to let it go? That she really does understand that she’s the weak-link, the canary in the coal mine, the thing that never should have survived? Jasper left her behind because it was a miracle she had survived her newborn year, let alone the ones that followed - at least he knew that she was surviving in the South. He had no idea if she'd last a day up North.

(That for Maria’s rage and resentment of Jasper’s defection, Alice lived because of the lingering affection and appreciation Maria held for the Major. That if she’d been the companion of any of the other soldiers, she would have been destroyed out of spite. Or maybe cast out and left to die trying to go north. However it might have happened, she wouldn’t be here if Maria hadn’t been truly fond of Jasper in the end.)

Monterrey is a time capsule, and she feels adrift and unanchored, and she’s really not sure of what can fix her. Jasper's grasp upon her doesn’t feel like enough most of the time, like something terrible is going to pull her from his grasp and this possible life will be lost to her.

She’s terrified he’s going to be the one to let go. That for all that she loves him and that he cares for her, it’s not going to be enough. Jasper will heal and want someone he can speak to, who can talk back; a girl who can fucking say “I love you” out loud. Who doesn’t get frustrated and bewildered when their words run out, when she has to take an extra beat to lip-read and decipher which language is being spoken. A girl who doesn’t need a buffer against the world to survive.

That's Mary-Alice’s biggest fear. That in the real world, the Cullen world, she’s not going to be enough for Jasper. That proximity had turned him in her direction, and now she was just faulty stock. She sure as hell doesn’t fit in with the Cullens - she doesn’t know how to be so neat and clean and calm. She doesn’t have the faintest idea how to be more human than she is. She can't even speak their version of sign language right.

But those are her problems. The ones she doesn’t really like to think about unless Jasper’s at school because he always knows how she feels. It’s only when she’s alone that she lets it all out, that crushing terror that she’s never going to be quite good enough.

(Maria wasn’t surprised when she was found in the wreckage of one of her last battles, leg torn off at the hip. Alice had still killed her opponent. But she knows there was a second that Maria considered just leaving her on the field to perish when scouts found her. Maybe even just douse and burn her; Alice had seen Maria do that before. The terror and determination had sat entirely in her throat. Her visions told her this could go either way, and she got to live.)

And yet, she’s still… hopeful. She might be terrified that Jasper is going to be the one to let go, but she’s clinging tightly to him. The room next to his becomes hers, and Jasper is the one that helps her paint it. It takes a day, as she painstakingly hand-paints mock-wallpaper; Jasper daubs her nose with paint, and she retaliates with a swipe of paint across his face. He laughs and kisses her, tracing the words they have for love down her spine. Later, she finds a heart painted on the wall near the window sill with ‘M-A & J.W.’ written on it, and that warms her right down to her toes.

(When she insists on painting all her furniture by hand, Jasper is the one that takes each piece apart for her; he sits with her as she works, a book in one hand, and the other locked in idle conversation about everything and nothing. He admires her work when she’s done, and she feels bashful, not having the words to explain that she wouldn’t bother with any of this if it was just her. This was her trying to build a ‘them’, trying to turn her room into theirs. She can’t offer him much, especially when it comes to tangible things, but she can offer him this.)

Edward tries to speak with her sometimes. He struggles with reading her mind; she thinks in the signs she and Jasper made together, in Civil War-era Spanish read from lips. He struggles even more to speak with her - he speaks text-book perfect American Sign Language, and flawless Spanish, and she speaks neither. Alice is also not entirely literate in either language, so passing notes is out. It’s messy. But he tries, and she’s grateful for the effort, she just wishes Edward wouldn't weaponize her deafness when she’s upset him. She wishes he would translate so she could be friends with Bella, instead of keeping them apart to protect the human girl. She very much wishes he wouldn’t try and correct her so often.

And when he tries to talk about Jasper, about the toxic thoughts that trickle around in her mind, and his efforts come across stunted and insincere.

(It’s easier to believe Edward’s stilted reassurances that Jasper loves her when she realizes that Jasper walks into the house and beelines to her, insisting upon a kiss before anything else. She obliges, and his greetings are hurried and disjointed as he pulls her close. Sometimes those greetings end in shedding clothing, his hands grasping and stroking bare skin; counting scars, tracing the seams on her skin. Other times, he gathers her up and tells her about his day, asks about hers. He’s gotten back into his old habit of signing all his conversations, even if she’s not in the room; the same way he speaks as he talks to her, a rumbling vibration that is uniquely him.)

[callipraxia]

Things I Learned This Morning:

1) Using print instead of script, which would be faster but less tidy, I may hand-write not far under 1300 words per hour when things are going well. (The exact number was 1267 words)

2) My brain harbors an irrational hatred for the number 4 apparently? (I kept almost skipping it and having to go back and erase the little number above fourth words because I wrote 4 as 5, for instance, going straight from 223 to 225 before I caught myself.)

3) Taking a pencil and individually numbering every word you wrote takes a really long time.

4) Apparently my brain also cannot handle writing a series of numbers that consistently go above two digits. I transpose digits, forget the first digit, write 8 instead of 3, write 5 instead of 8, write 2 instead of 9….I made it through the first 1000 but counted the remainder in blocks of 1-100 in the interests of staying tolerably sane.

5) My print is indeed much more legible than my script, but also, oww, my elbow feels like it’s about to crack right now and my hand feels all twisted up inside, ow ow ow.

(Backstory: I’ve been stuck in a rut for a while, so I decided to say “what the heck” and try to force myself to write a rough draft of one of my fanfic ideas for NaNoWriMo. I’m printing because I am currently Resolved to write a complete rough draft and then revise it, all before posting anything. Then, in theory, I’ll post it by chapter on an actual *posting schedule*. However, since I have never managed to muster the kind of discipline needed to keep working on a project nobody has seen and praised some part of for that long in my entire life…we’ll see. Plus, it might be easy enough to make it to the word count minimum today, but I only just finished the setup phase of the first scene, getting Pacifica from “the alarm clock rang” and through “Pacifica reflects on what mornings in Northwest Manor were like compared to her new life” to the point of “Pacifica has gotten out of bed.” That kind of writing is super-easy for me, but the kinds where things actually happen can be…much slower going. Which means I’ll have to apply even *more* discipline to make quotas on some days. So basically I, a deeply scattered and undisciplined person, am basically attempting to overhaul my personality for at least a month, lol. Wish me luck, folks….

For my GF peeps, I hope that you’ll enjoy the results if this project does amount to anything, even though it is a bit of a departure from my ‘usual’ material. You see, I have a lifelong, deep-seated love for books set in schools/based around school years, and I have decided to combine that with my desire to write some post-canon material. We’re picking up very shortly after the finale, with the first day of school in Gravity Falls - the Pineses should have some involvement, here and there, but mostly via phone and Internet. I’m sufficiently addicted to the “greater scope” that I don’t think I‘ll end up with something that is purely YA or a “girls’ book,” but it will involve focusing on more girls and therefore “girl stuff” than canon/anything I have written previously - Pacifica, Wendy, and Candy are all projected to be narrators, with Grenda also at least being an important character and possibly a fourth narrator. Compare to FWJB, where the narrators consisted of ten dudes, Bill, and Mabel…and although I put him in his own category, Bill does seem to use he/him pronouns when interacting with English-speaking mortals, and so one could very reasonably argue that the narrators consisted of eleven dudes plus Mabel. Soos may well get some narrator time, but this one also seems on course to primarily focus on the kid characters. Gulp. We’ll see how it goes….)

[sleepyowlwrites]

hello, since you oferred advice to the other anon can I get some words of wisdom too? you don't have to, I understand it can be a lot to ask. or maybe just a ear to listen? idk I'mhaving mixed emotions right now because somet things made me realize that even though I like writing, it's only gonna be ever for myself. which isn't a bad thing but I wanted to one day publish something but I find out now that writing is really hard and I don't have the discipline or even much interest it studying how to do it "right" like all the technicalities and stuff. so really I just like the finished product and how it "looks" in my brain more. I do like trying to figure out how to make a story make sense and all the behind the scenes stuff, but I'm rarely able to get to that stage due to being tired and unable to focus/ discipine myself to work.

I was wondering if there was something I could do about it? I mean I guess I need to accept that now when I write it's just gonna be as a hobby and for myself. though, similar to the other anon, I would like to share my writing, I mean I think we all want to share something we make at some point. but I probably have to give up wanting to make any kind of career or even part time thing from writing. I'm just not built for it I guess.

it's hard to accept. I tried developing templates for myself to follow to make it easier but I failed. I've tried many tips and suggestions and advice to write better but I just can't seem to grasp the craft. even reading doesn't help me.

I've thought about writing poetry instead, like you. but even though I like reading it I don't really like writing it much. I prefer to have characterts and drama, typical story stuff. but I struggle when it comes to putting everything together and actually crafting/building the story rather than just tell it.

sorry this got too long, I'm not really sure what I was trying to say, just need to go on a rant. I'm sorry if this was rude of me. thanks for reading if you do and I always like your responses so that's why I reached out, but let me know if I shouldn't do it like this

Had to wait until I got home from work.

So it looks like you understand your situation pretty well, actually, which is great to see.

Writing doesn't have to be a full time thing for you to go the published route. We have several published authors on here who have other jobs! You don't need to devote your whole career to it. It's fine for it to be a hobby and for it to be a hobby that you'd like to pursue a final result in.

If writing is something you enjoy, keep doing it, and if you'd like to progress, you can do it. (You can probably do it. Not everything is achievable for everyone. I will never be able to do advanced math, no matter how hard I try. My brain can't process it. But from what you're saying, your braincan process writing.)

You already know stuff you like or dislike, right? You know the story, just not how to tell it? Here are a few things that have worked for me and my discombobulated brain.

1. Bullet point lists. Just listing off major plot beats in bullet points. It's not an outline, it's not a plan, it's just a list of stuff that happens.

2. Rubber ducking. I pick somebody from something I've watched recently - for a whole there it was Keanu Reeves - and I explain my story to them multiple times so I understand myself how it works. Or not.

3. Draw a map. Not just a land map, but a map of where the characters go and notes on where they're from and what they're doing in each place.

4. Ask games. I make up so much stuff for ask games and some of it even stays canon!

5. Don't try to fit yourself into one mold of one type of writer. Just write whatever. Write one wip or 17. Write short fiction. Write fanfiction. Write one paragraph stories. Write comics with stick figures or rambling prose that goes nowhere.

5. When you read, rewrite it in your head. Edit those books! Pull out a trope you notice and stick it in a story. (A trope is anything as general as "enemies to lovers" and as specific as "traumatized tall girl with a big sword.")

6. Actually rewrite scenes, from any media you like. Choose a new pov. Focus on a particular sense, like touch, or write it in future tense, or change the setting.

7. Write descriptive prose that's not a story. Write something that's only dialogue. Write journal entries. Switch it up.

And sweetheart, if you are unable to focus or enjoy this hobby that is usually a good time for you, I think think the hobby is the issue. There's something else going on in your brain and taking up the space and you don't have room to create.

For instance, I work retail, full-time, and it’s the holiday season, and I'm fatigued and stressed and not currently writing anything. But I was also not writing when it wasn't the holiday season. And I was too fatigued to create then, too. And it's probably because my depression is acting up.

This might not be the case for you. I can't know. But everybody learns differently, and if you're willing to try new ways of learning, you might find the one that works for you! I hope so. I hope that you sit down with your brain and parse through it, taking the time to figure out the style that suits you best.

But mostly I hope you understand that regardless of how your brain functions or doesn't, that you are amazing and trying, because you like this thing, and you don't want to give up on it. So good job. As long as it is a thing that you like, I hope you keep trying. Somewhere there is a method that speaks to you, some way that helps you find the dawn after the dark. I believe you can find it.

Keep going, love.

[kithtaehyung]

So, I started university right before the pandemic hit, and demolished all my (barely existent) plans. I'm already almost 23 and more than halfway through a major I picked kind of on a whim based on what I thought I was good at, and tbh I still hate it. And I have no idea what career it would even lead to. I want to get more into music production or maybe even being an artist or something like that, but it's overwhelming and difficult at the same time... I think I love music, I love listening to it, and growing up I loved the energy of performing in bands and choirs and stuff more than anything, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm good at it, and I'm not a computer or instrument expert either... I feel so lacking in pretty much all of the various talents/skills... I know practice makes better, but it's so hard to persist when you feel so far behind, and it's hard not to feel discouraged completely when there's always someone newer, younger, and already so much better...

Babe, you are 22. You have.. SO much life ahead of you.

I know that doesn’t seem like anything to go off of right now, but I cannot express enough how excited I am for you because 22 is a wonderful age to start things. You have time to mess up, time to figure things out, time to really try a bunch of shit and get a grasp on what direction you wanna go for.

Don’t let society or other people tell you you’re too old to start something or too late to try something else. Who cares if there are people younger and better than you at something? Who cares if you don’t have a skill set right now? That’s gonna happen. As soon as you recognize that as a fact instead of a barrier for you to overcome, your mindset is gonna shift to “okay, what can i personally do to improve and get better? what do i myself need to do to get where i wanna be?”

Honestly.. this ask feels like something younger me is writing. Because I compared myself to countless people when I was in my early twenties and lmfaoooooo you know what? That dark place of “thinking I wasn’t gonna do great so why try” has only left me with regrets. You have a choice to make and if you really want what you want, go for it and don’t stop.

If I had actually took music production seriously and kept making shitty beats on FL Studio in my dorm room and didn’t give a shit about people telling me it’s not worth it to pursue? Who knows, I could’ve had a studio by now. I could’ve been on the Big Hit production team. I could’ve been working with Metro Boomin or any world-class producers.

Do those goals seem hilarious? Yes. But they also probably could’ve come true if I worked hard enough. But I’ll never know. Because I didn’t keep going when I did. Because I hit that wall of seeing how much I didn’t know about music and production and everything that goes into it, and I got discouraged and dropped it to focus on other things that were safer, more likely to keep me afloat. Don’t be like me if this is something you really do want.

We can do this together, really. Because I’m going for shit now too because that passion itself hasn’t gone away. I am asking people for advice when I need it. I’m networking with musicians and producers and mixing engineers and managers. I’m figuring out what I need to do and where I need to look for educational pieces and putting in the work that I was too discouraged to put in before. All while trying to tell myself it’s okay that I’m where I am at 30. Do this with me. It’s only gonna help you.

Bottom line: if you wanna do something, do it. So what if people are better than you? So what if you don’t have the skills or knowledge right now? Stay disciplined and do the work. Don’t half ass it and don’t think it’s gonna be something you do on the side. Treat it like it’s your life, and practice the hell out of whatever it is. If you end up thinking “this isn’t what I want,” then at least you know for sure and you can pick something else up. But if you keep that passion, hard work and effort will bring you great things.

And you’re gonna look back at this ten years from now and laugh because you’ll realize 22 isn’t far into life at all.

[pallastrology]

uni diaries: january 2024

i wasn't sure i'd have much to write about this month, since i don't start my next module until next week, but the month ended up being a bit more eventful than i expected! i've been taking latin lessons and am finding it... complicated, lol, but really interesting. i've also restarted learning welsh through duolingo - perhaps not the best resource out there, but free and easy to do short lessons when i have a few minutes to myself - which i'm enjoying. i'm kind of at the stage with welsh now where i need to hunt down some textbooks and a dictionary so i can build up my technical knowledge, so that's a project for february i think.

as far as uni goes, i've been preparing for my next module, which is all about academic writing. i'll be writing an academic review of an article or paper, doing a presentation, and then writing an essay. i'm absolutely dreading the presentation, not going to lie, but as my study skills tutor reminded me, by doing it i'll be helping to ultimately ease my anxiety and also will be helping my fellow students to learn how to present. i've started my research for the topic i want to cover for this module, which is y mabinogi, or, the mabinogi; they are welsh mythological tales, written in the eleventh century but probably based on older, oral histories and legends. i'm doing some preliminary research right now and building up some maps of the stories, characters and world, which i might post if anybody is interested. i'm for sure no expert on the mabinogi, but it's something that rests close to my heart.

i also got my grades back for my first module and, depending on what the exam board say, i got a first :-) i'm really happy and surprised, especially with the feedback i got for my last assignment, which was so positive i cried haha. so yeah, overall it's been a nice month, though it has definitely been hard to 'get back into' my studies after taking some time off over christmas and then getting sick for a couple of weeks. i've felt quite disorganised and overwhelmed, and it's been very hard to focus on my studies, but i'm hoping that will get easier. something i know i need to work on is discipline; it's not that i'm lazy, but having a toddler and a chronic illness is very draining, and so i sometimes have to pick my battles and take more breaks or do less than i'd like to, which then leads to overwhelm and avoidance because of the mountain of tasks that build up. so i want to work on a tighter routine and trying to work breaks into my day rather than ending up having to take a whole day (or more) off.

pictured: the very unloved trees in my garden, and one of my rabbits 🐰

[mythgrippa-blog]

Day 0 - rebooting

Hello, call me Mythgrippa! Nice to meet you, the name comes from two fascinations I have, myths and Marcus Agrippa (my favorite Roman). I am currently doing my final year of computer science and I've done a lot, I'll list them out in a different blog post but it was a lot a lot and I'm left with only one semester which I'm quite excited about.

However, I think I must have overworked myself to get to this point, like I'm truly exhausted all the time, can't really focus on my work and having constant feelings of stress and anxiety, I used to be a stallion programmer but I can barely write a few lines of code and not feeling mentally overwhelmed.

This morning, like in the night I woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep so I went online and got a bit too curious and searched up why I'm like this and found an online blog post which explained all the symptoms I've been experiencing with pin point accuracy.

I'm mentally exhausted, it makes sense because I'm always thinking about whatever school work I have and trying to get good grades, sleeping deep into the night trying to get work done. My performance has been declining, I still get work done but my quality isn't what it used to be. I've also been neglecting self care and not going outside, my skin is starting to show, I'm black by the way and my tone has started feeling... spotty? I don't know, I don't like it. My self confidence has kind of diminished because of it so there's that as well.

So, I still have a lot of work to do, like a software project for school that I'm the leader of, so I have to be the technical lead and also the semester hasn't started yet so I've to prepare for that as well. These are my stressors. I've to stop this mental daemon from running all the time.

To accomplish this, the article I read suggested these 11 solutions

Eliminate the stressors

My stressors would be mostly work, I can't just simply eliminate it because I have to finish this semester, and its not something I can set aside, plus my software project with my group isn't going so well so we gotta work our butts off for that

Work-life balance

Alright, this is part I get because I honestly don't have a life. The closet life I have is the friends I hang out with at school when on break and also the tennis games we go to, but I've mostly been a work person. So, for starters I need a life!!! But where to start... maybe I should start. Perhaps restricting myself to working up to 6 hours or less per day?

I could play video games or watch movies, I mean... hm... I'll try out the other games and watch more TV, I haven't been reading any of my novels or play board games. I'm off Twitter and Reddit, I don't like scrolling mindlessly for hours.

Damn it!! I remember that one of my friends has my board games, no matter I'll just play on ipad, hopefully there are good apps in the app store. I'll see what my other friends have to say. Well I'll see what I will do

Clear your space

I suppose this means I should rid of what doesn't kindle joy, I'm in recess at the moment and I'm back home, I don't have a room of my own so I sleep in my little brother's room (which used to be mine before I moved to uni), the spare that I usually sleep in is occupied by one of my older brothers. This room is a mess and I really can't do much about it other than tidy some stuff but the way things are laid out is just so annoying, so much wasted space. But this isn't my room anymore so I can't really do anything major plus my energy is down the drain.

Schedule (and take) regular breaks

I should take breaks when working, I used to study using Pomodoro and it was quite effective I won't lie but I've lost some of my discipline, at least partly attributed to the main reason I'm writing this in the first place.

How did I go so many semesters without taking regular breaks, not even like five minutes, I'm really a mad lad. I'll try to take at least 5 minutes off per hour, that should make it easier, but what constitutes a break? Doing nothing? I suppose that works

Get outside

In terms of this, I try to go outside but the weather is just so cold, but the sun does feel good but I'm the type of person who likes dark and gloomy weather accompanied by rain and thunder storms, I just really like that, the rain drops crashing onto the roof or window, the warm clothing I get to wear!! Oh my goodness, it feels like a mental refresher because I naturally feel easy and relaxed when there's rain. But I'll try to go out, perhaps a jog every now and then?

Do something new

Something new... well I could really try that, I used to go to the gym but school got so hectic I had to cancel my membership but I think I'll go back since I believe the hardest semester has concluded (last semester was the hardest honestly and I'm glad I made it out alive).

I'll try out other types of sports because I want to regain my stamina and activeness, my right leg though... its fine I'll be fine, I'll buy better shoes and sports gear. I'll try to be healthier, eat my fruits daily, and drink plenty of water.

That's a lot of stuff, how will I manage though? I'll figure it out but at least the idea is there

Reduce screen time

I mean... even though its the start of recess and I'm done with my old modules and the new ones haven't started yet, I'm still checking my emails and notifications, I do have the group project, and I'm doing Computer Science, I need a computer to science god damn it, how am I supposed to reduce that. I'll let this one slide. Because I can't really digitally detox... I'm not ready for that or even see the need to, but I can reduce the amount of time I spend on my phone, no phone time between 10PM and 7AM, that worked before in the past. But as for computer time, yeah I can't really reduce that.

Find positive ways to distract yourself

I used to have this bad habit I'm still recovering, I tricked myself into thinking it could help get the "edge off", I regret it and I'm glad I'm not that person, incase you're wondering its not drugs or weed or alcohol or any bad substances... I've never done any of that, and NO I DON'T VAPE. I'm as a clean as they get, but there's always been something I've been struggling with for almost four years now but I think I've finally learnt to let it go for the better.

You could say it was a negative distraction for myself, but no more of that I just need a positive way to distract myself, perhaps calling up an old friend? I haven't spoken to a number of people, I am messaging someone but they're not a regular person I talk to because of odd response times but I'm one of those people who'll reply as soon as they see your message no matter how long you take because I get people have stuff to do or don't feel like replying at times, its completely normal.

Perhaps I'll start playing games again? But that can get out of hand pretty quickly, actually... having coffee with my best friend can work? Yeah, there are plenty, I'll just ask her (oh yeah, a bit of a rant but I'm a guy, my best friend is a girl so yeah that can be a thing, why don't people get it! Guys and Girls don't have to date to have fun, goodness I hate my class mates, for CS nerds they're sure talkative, they're nice people but JEEEEZ). I'll ask her if I want to be distracted, or my other friends as well

Take care of yourself 

I need to eat nourishing food, I ate a lot of KFC and boy it ain't good for ya, but it helps fill me up but I'll try to be better than that and eat better. I'll start eating from this restaurant I frequent they sell some delicious and nourishing food. I'll also try to sleep by 10 and wake by 7, that should be plenty of rest yeah? I will drink water every day, trust me I'm a water freak.

Focus on what you can control

I can't really do everything, so I should be able to tell others what to do, I am group leader after all. I'll see what I can do and what should be done, I'll delegate and try to organize more. So, that the objective is very clear. I'm not a stallion anymore, I can't code for hours on end like I used to, but luckily there's capable members in my group so I'll delegate the work to them and do my group leader duties.

Talk to a coach or therapist

NO

Well that lists everything, I wrote so much without realizing it, this was all in one sitting so I'm impressed with myself. I always did enjoy writing stories, I'm not as creative anymore but when it comes to stuff like this, I have like 3 filled up diaries.

If you made it this far, I'm so impressed with you, thank you for taking an interest and reading my first public blog (I've written so many private ones that I'll never release because I'm so embarrassed plus its useless and uninteresting, like unfinished stories, other diary attempts, blah blah)

Well thanks again you and I'll see you in the next one

[sanchoyo]

2, 8, 13, and 24 :3c

2. 5 favourites of your own work?

umm picking absolute favs is very hard but heres some I like a Lot. def click for bigger size on these ^^; also, the 4th one is a comm for a friend, whos sister is a PROFESSIONAL MERMAID, LIKE AS A LIVING?? and it was a gift for her sister (THE MERMAID.) very very cool story behind that one. :)

(and the original posts these were from: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) )

8. What do you like most about your own work?

...I feel like the thing I get complimented on most is the colors, but tbh? i like how ..flexible? I am sometimes. like I feel pretty good saying I can switch up my style pretty drastically when I feel like it, which is a nice thing to be able to do. (I owe it to yrs of trying to imitate very specific anime styles LMAO)

13. Show your favourite drawing from last year

...this is gonna sound SO conceited but I had a hard time picking bc I liked a lot of drawings from last year (which is funny considering I dont think I did that many compared to other years...)

i kind of want to say one from my ekleipsis illustration series just bc they are SO different from my regular cutesty style, it was FUN doing smth so out of my comfort zone!

like, whos style is this? certainly not my Usual, does not feel like a ME drawing but thats kinda why I liked it a lot...felt like I was proving a point to myself 😭 all of them in that series are kinda like this bc the story had borderline horror fantasy elements lol

24. How do you deal with artblock?

it Depends. the thing abt art block is that it happens for different reasons (at least in my case) and its easier to fix when i know WHY its happening. dont feel like working on a comm? thats a self-discipline issue, gotta prioritize it, its a job I am being paid for, so Gotta do those. (even if usually fun, art block has been known to happen w them before lol) not liking a drawing and getting frustrated so I dont wanna keep working on it? skill issue or lacking technical knowledge probably, time to dig for refs or do studies. bored of looking at the current drawing? well now the issue is I Need to figure out how to make it more interesting, or go work on smth else for a while. and honestly a lot of the time it personally helps me a lot to just...step away from art for a bit. maybe a few weeks or even months before...during that time I focus on other art forms (like, I'll not draw but write or craft or smth) OR just try to find new artists, and sit and analyze THEIR work. what do I like abt their styles? what makes it work? i find it helps me appreciate my own art more when I love other ppls, esp when I see speedpaints or smth and can appreciate their processes too ^_^ and having fresh eyes after a while of not drawing is...nice? refreshing...weirdly enough lol.

tysm for asking!! this was rly fun to answer :D

[crater-lake]

208

1/17/25

I wrote a nice poem today that I want to congratulate myself for. I am both more and less accomplished/valuable/scared/profane.

Here:

Time is a blind feeling sanctioned by God

Gulls

(

the canvas of unbreathing, the inflection of breath

)

eulogize the wisp aether.

A mute swan

(

the warm nothing of whatever I haven't done

)

meanders like a line that cannot end itself.

Surrender;

Ghost mist

(

whenever my mother last held me

)

in cotton pleats gazes and held breaths long

Evening

(

the come down of it

)

pushes belief into every standing thing,

lights come on and on

night blossoms,

so I go exactly home.

A god iris of silken dark airless over

sleepy city streets.

The closest in your 20s to godliness is lovelessness.

But we don't need to be close

or 20

or godly

to feel that,

I write that with the stipulation that I'm in this entry spurned by the same defeat that those apps almost always give me. (In almost, in almost) Right now, I have the distinct pleasure of not listening to how my brain says I am worthless. I have to not walk down a really good street, which is annoying, because it would feel good to feel bad right now. I sabotage every kindness I have been paid which means it's the right hour. Will, I'm here, I'm here! I know it's hard to really be reader and writer but there you are.

I only write the truth with some exception. Instead of writing about my day, and Cafe Kreuzberg, and the gym, and piano, and my excellent nap, and my good, yet slightly too informal classes, and the great poem, and the jaunt in my step, I am going to first focus on how this random 19 year old Spanish boy chose someone else to hook up with while talking to me. And he is actively cheating on his boyfriend which inflamed my interest. And even though I logically understood that even when you are talking to someone, there is still such a slim chance anything ever comes of it: think of your hookups and how few there are and the sheer amount of people you talk with. These sorts of experiences make me absolutely want to give up. I douched myself and he said he needed a few minutes and then opted to go with someone else. I felt and feel disposable, worthless, replaceable, and pathetic. He said he had promised already to this other guy and that he could meet me tomorrow or after and I said No. Then he sent four messages and I said No. Which was good of me even though I want to be touched so bad. I haven't blocked him yet because I want the chance to say no to him one more time. I want to refuse back even though it won't matter, even though as I type, their bodies are colliding in the dark.

I am really trying to love myself better. Which means ethical loneliness, and accidental patheticness. I can accept them when they are outside of my control. But this was very much something I understood even during the interaction, and after, in the now. I don't forgive myself for seeking pleasure in disposability.

People disappear all of the time. I wonder why people put oblivion into our phones. When I block people, I just blocked him, I think, I've blinked them into oblivion. I just need most of me understood and I need to choose myself over pleasure more and more and more if I can stand the boredom that is actual care. If I can emotionally understand the value of good care when I start fulltime work. If I can understand the discipline of not succumbing. If good is not accurate: pleasurable vs. stable. Both can be good. Feel as in the fire versus like the bone stability good of structure. It's really horniness vs. self respect. Both can feel good but one is more exciting, and I am so so bored and I dream of holes opening and closing.

These men have no idea they are passing by the most interesting man in the world. That while he titillated me, I was scribing mawkish melodies on the keyboard, consoled by the ease in which I understand it, and how its beauty will make people love me harder. I hear Gaspard de la Nuit in my head and I'll hold on harder to it. Going to sleep is not going to satisfy me, but it will help me have stability. A whole window of pleasure sunlight shuts when I delete the app, and I am truly left with myself in a novel way. (I get only ugly people on Tinder- which means I might be gauging my own general attractiveness, wrong.)

Lorenz could be in love right now and my dreams will gut me even if I drift off thinking of magic, fire from my fingers, evergreen, sawdust in heeping piles in Upstate New York, the word turbid, and luminesce, and tenebrous, and slats, and escarmentar, and estrenar, demenager. I'll keep one awful gulp of it near my heart. Hiccup it into music to catch the next awful thing. I am here, not more. I get to crawl into me. I get to end what I want to end. I get to start over. I get most verbs. I have to leave or I won't be able to.

[jonathankatwhatever]

Continuing. I just realized that the magnetic moment of the proton is about 3 times that of the electron, with the neutron making up the other ⅔.

I didn’t go farther with that because I don’t want to make the mistake of coloring something wrong. Cats teach patience, he said, as he waited for Billy to loop back to his extended hand. We’re all watching you, seeing what you do, how you react. Remember the paranoia? Oh, yeah, the social worry that smoking dope made you paranoid when you realized everything focuses on you. The paranoia comes from the association of that idea, with its truth, to a specified object, meaning to an End. That End would reflect or express the way your relationship with the Boundary works.

This is where the idea of God’s perfection comes from, that it all comes at you from beyond, from this source of all. The obvious addition we’ve made is that this means we conceive of versions of this perfection because it is beyond the reach of any of our conceptions. And the rest is analysis.

Example is that my good buddy Muhammed intended it to be a baseline from which you improve. The relationship of the beauty of creation and humans is meant to infuse a spirit of cooperation. The job of a man is as the benign lord who improves her, who controls her as a male for her and your benefit. The book was meant to civilize men, to start them on the road to a higher plane. One could say it is unfortunate that so many Muslims come from such backwards parts of the world that they believe eliminating knowledge is possible, a world in which they assume Allah’s control unto themselves, but the Actuality is that Islam has done its job by reaching so many people, literally the backwards people of much of the world, because it speaks to them.

Whenever I start thinking about Muhammed, I smile. The Mission in him is much more subtle than Judaism can see. Like with the Christian material, it takes a lot of work to separate the threads because the material itself was shaped by men who, without Aisha, would have made it much less comprehensible.

The word translated as Lord, as in Lord of women, is one of those which segments. That shows the issue right there. Those languages construct meaning from roots, so words construct by connecting concepts together, and these then take on meaning in relation to other constructed words to make phrases which are different in writing than as spoken. And that is something every single one of us should know. Not a single word I type exactly conveys the meaning intended. It’s difficult to make myself clear at length, if I can even do that.

We construct meaning contextually, and that is true over scales.

Here’s a thought: the issues I have with the soft sciences is that their disciplines are about competing models not of a specified topic but about who controls the perspective, as though the perspectives are in moral competition to be best, and theirs must be declared the winner. This enables the ones who get the most attention. The point isn’t to eliminate that: this describes a version of the Roman great man competition, so it’s a gsForm, one you can’t get rid of. So it needs to be directed at a blame free competition. Example are rife. Vast areas of how cultures become destructive to themselves as they develop an identity, so the focus becomes on how identity develops. That enables positive outcomes as the destructive urges fade.

BTW, the cat’s name is now Billys or Billsy, said higher and low with a hint of sibilance so he can tell the difference and thus know I’m directing at him. When he was outdoor, he really didn’t listen much, and would react if he perceived the voice coming at him. Now, he hears what’s inside an apartment, and I don’t want him to feel disconnected or uneasy. If I can create a better call relationship, then the sound field processing part of him, which soothes him in many ways, may work better, may feel more cohesive, I don’t know what the label would be for that kind of feeling in a cat, since their processing is very different from ours.

I’ve been using specified a lot today. That’s a sign we’re thinking in IC fashion, which links together this kind of Thing, that ball of associations which thus have a Boundary, which pull and push to that Boundary, meaning IC in gsSpace. You can see the problem, I hope: when you realize how the IC model works, then you realize how contexts work and how your own thoughts occur in contexts, and that those thoughts are shaped by how you relate to the Boundary, and that this process must specify and that as you go through life you have choices and thus the idea that an alcoholic or a junkie or a gambler or a lying cheater must hit bottom, because then the context they are in, the actual IC which specifies to them in that moment, connects to a large enough context where they see the choice which leads them out. They then may become zealots as they focus on keeping to the path they see as salvation.

This also explains bandwagon jumping on and off.

The paranoid effects of smoking dope faded as a social concern as people got used to them. We always need a monster movie, and the first time you see the new one it’s scary, and then you get used to that, so someone makes the scary story but with just enough alteration to make it scary again. Note that a small alteration may have a big effect. Example would be the way the camera saw the action in silents. Griffith used linear along a series of sets, which he would organize as public to private, which became skits on the roads with Sennett, which developed into a working field of mise-en-scene, which I think is a good phrase to describe the larger entirety of the process that directing or editing or production or acting or casting or whatever.

This is a version of the issue I hear from you a lot. Oh, I just realized something. I am in some senses merely giving you back your identity because I knew at a very young age when I was being talked to and that the choice I had to make was whether I’d listen to the ones located in my physical space, meaning all the time, or to you who would come to me, who was exterior to the space I was in, who was on the other side because I could never become you, but always negotiated with you which role we each played from the joining place, that End where all the imaginative roles came from.

I watched the first 2 episodes of Bewitched last night. I’d have started them off as soulmates who recognize they are. Then it’s a show about 2 species connecting, which can become a version of the same show and something vastly different, meaning 2 forms. That’s same idea, that there is a joining End from which it all emerges and to which it always must return.

You know what was weird? I felt truly bad, and couldn’t generate anything but negative threads. Everything IC’d to the downer side, and I couldn’t flip the perspective or my mood. I could not eat or drink beyond a glass of water. So I went to the gym. I got on the lateral elliptical and blasted through 30 minutes without really breathing hard or sweating much until minute 28 or so. And I was pushing hard enough for my knee to hurt almost every stride. Felt like a long sprint over slightly rising ground, which fits given I was in wide with that sense of resistance. When I got off, I was barely sweating and my shirt was almost dry.

I drove to Home Depot. That place has issues. Their checkout is terrific but I asked 3 different people to point me toward clothes hangers and each pointed me to the closet area, but the hangers weren’t there and the app said there were 66 of just this one package in stock but the location wouldn’t show. If your help is only meh, then the tech should make up for that. I love their checkout, but it’s frustrating to go in there.

Oh, I realized I was driving without glasses and everything was pretty clear. My right eye was clear and my left would move in and out. I could read road signs, which I thought would never happen again. When I got home, I realized I could see the TV crystal clear. There’s a process by which mind develops the images and that is shifting, within physical limits.

So I posted a short comment on a post by a scholar named Dan McClellan about the dying after eating the fruit of knowledge. He responded with a video in which he makes clear that the threat was imminent: eat this and die. We are both correct. I don’t want to get into a thing where I spark a bunch of videos in which he clarifies, but he could definitely do that, which is cool. If he could connect with the math, his knowledge fits great.

I need to take a break.

[greatzila]

Dossier*21

I write to stop overthinking, it makes me unable to work. I make up scenarios which revolve around anything and nothing, sometimes I am the main character and sometimes i’am not even part of the story, it’s mostly stories I would like to develop. It’s could be in any type of format like animation, comics, movies, books. I would like to try writing but I have to find the time and I don't even know if I'm a good writer or a writer at all. When I write I mostly write about my feelings in english to be specific. I feel like when I write in English I can fully express what I feel without being restricted by my own mind. Even if French is my native language , I kind of feel more at ease in english. Maybe because I dissociate myself with the person I should be, the personality that I show to people.

The story ideas tend to come when I work and I have difficulties to reconcentrate on my work.( And not being able to focus in med school is very… well bothersome)

I feel like I am going to regret my actions. I know people work twice as much as me to succeed in their studies, but I just don’t feel any motivation and I always try to reassure myself. The problem is I am not disciplined, when a random event occurs like a mood swing, stomach ache, or my periods I procrastinate. I tried the recalling method but I failed at following the program I made. I just don’t like being restricted by a plan and want to study what I want or what I feel like I need to study. I can’t concentrate because of a maladaptive daydreaming. Those thoughts happened when I listened to music, when I watch a video, or read fan-fictions. And if i fail this year, will i retry next year, will i continue with my second subject physics, i used to love physics but i don’t know anymore. I think I like it when it has nothing to do with school and when it is from my own initiative. But if I continue with this course will I feel as shitty as I do now? I feel like what I do is useless and repetitive and won’t make me happy . I was always shaped by school and always had a goal I could picture perfectly. But now, the goal is blurry. In reality I don't see myself working with people but 90% of the jobs required frequent interactions with colleagues, customers, patients…I think the problem is I was always unsure of becoming a doctor. Did I do it because my dad kind of pushed me into it with or without my opinion? Yes ? Did I do it because I wanted to see if I liked medicine? Yes ? Did I get the ick when someone mentioned i should be a doctor will be a doctor? Yes. I barely take care of myself. I wear the same clothes everyday, I eat the same thing everyday . There is a 80% chance I don't pass this year. So what should I do?

Also I believe I could become a freelance artist, writer next to my studies.

Will I have the time?

Do I have the skills?

Do I have the courage to do it?

Will I succeed?

Is it just a part of my fantasy world, of a scenario in which I succeed at anything I do, in everything, where I have no fear, no pressure, and I can do anything you want.. You were always the good kid with good grades who listened to mom and dad because they didn’t come in this country for their children to have low-incomes. Because the next generation has to do better than the one before. I feel like a muppet who is controlled by how the world wants her to be. My parents don’t know me, the few friends I have don’t know me, my family don’t know me, I don’t even know myself. And while I write these words I know I will not change and continue to be the good older daughter who has to succeed so she makes the family proud. And if i don’t succeed, does this mean I wasted my childhood, my teen years. Because I had to study, because I was too afraid to talk to people, because I was a good girl who listened.

“Working always pays” , yes it has to because it’s the only thing i’ve been doing my whole life. It’s not really surprising I have maladaptive daydreaming , I just dreamed of having a life all my life. I have always done that since middle school, maybe even before.

And while I finish this little tantrum I still don’t know who I am, what I want to be and I will not do anything at all to change something because I'm too obedient to do so. I have to continue the play of the good oldest daughter who’s shy, socially awkward,unconfient, not that intelligent, with neurodivergence and doesn’t fucking know what s she’s doing with her life.

“ it’s for your future self”. It has always been for her, about her, I always dreamed about her and she never came the way i wanted to, because I am too afraid to take actions in my own life.

I’am trying to change because I don't want to disappoint my father because I know how much it means to him. He wants his children to succeed in life because he has the belief he didn't succeed himself. He doesn’t want us to struggle, he believes he knows what is best for us. Maybe he does and I’m ungrateful because I am wasting the opportunity given to me. My main motivation for the past month and a half has been: if i become a doctor no one will tell me to do anything, i will go out when i want to , i will buy what i want, i will dress how i want, i will live how i want, because i have succeeded like you wanted so you can’t tell me shit now can you? Yeah… I’am definitely doing this for the wrong reasons.