#it’s kind of how i discipline myself (?) like. when i need to focus on writing i limit scrolling as much as i can 🥲

[seiwas]

just a lil bit of a share ! i’ve been feeling really down lately about not writing that much 🥲 and keeping up with posting more frequently/updating a few of my series more regularly 🥲 but i looked at my masterlists and noticed almost 60% of my fics are actually from this year and we’re only half-way in 🥺

anyway ! the point of this is, if you’re being too hard on yourself today, i hope you’re reminded that you’re doing much better than you think 🥺

[merakiui]

I told myself I wouldn't enjoy the step sibling shit but RAHHH THE WAY YOU WRITE STEP BROTHER SUNDAY I'M FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. Need this man to bend me over and discipline me right now, Sunday brainrot is real

:3 hehe all according to my master plan!!!!

Stepbrother Sunday is such a creature,,, he's so gross. <3 the type to steal your underwear and hoard it for himself,,, even better, he insists on handling chores like laundry just so he has the opportunity to snoop through your clothes, especially your undergarments.

Thinking about Sunday and his pierced wing....... what if he pierced it himself??? What if he learns you've been considering getting a piercing and he wants to be the one to do it? (because according to your stepbrother wouldn't it be safer and cleaner if he does it instead of some stranger? Truthfully, Sunday just doesn't like the idea of another person putting their hands on you, especially if the piercing is to be in an intimate area).

Going shopping with stepbrother Sunday and he insists on holding all of your bags. In his mind, this is a date. He watches you look at all kinds of clothes, trying them on and asking for his opinion. Sunday appreciates you in everything and anything, but if you go shopping with him enough times his tastes and preferences will start to show with every outfit he judges. :)

Aaaaa or stepbrother Sunday sitting you on his lap while he cockwarms/fingers/touches you. Maybe you're on the phone and have to keep your composure....... waaaaa imagine watching a movie together and you're both relaxing on the sofa and there's a blanket covering you to hide the fact that he's got his dick between your thighs!!!!!! orz

Or or!!!! College au and Gallagher is your professor and Sunday takes the same classes as you just to make sure that professor never makes a move on you. >:( Sunday is watching him like a hawk. Or maybe he's the bartender at the club you like to frequent on weekends when you don't have lots of coursework to focus on. Sunday who follows you just to see what you get up to, stalking you only to ensure you're safe. It's pure coincidence he happens to be nearby to swoop in and save you should anything unsavory happen.

He's so controlling sometimes, lecturing you about how you ought to be more aware of your status and surroundings. You're part of the Oak Family now, and with that comes the expectation that you act responsibly so as to not sully the Family's name. You never seem to get along with him when he has so many expectations for you, but all of your grudges seem to melt away as soon as he's balls deep inside you hehe.

[breadvidence]

adaptation question: how good in bed is each version of javert? (inspired by the recent poll making the rounds)

As I mentioned on Discord: I intended to respond to the poll with an argument for Javert being good in bed & for the sake of comedy rather than sincere belief my plan was an emphatic yes (as much as I want to gnash my teeth over the need for nuance & could make an equally strong case for no & also want to write about how characters who canonically don't fuck have their own value both for aro-ace folks and as an escape from the way erotic-sexual-reproductive drive is treated as a central aspect of being human more generally). Er. So. Thank you for the opportunity to expand my silliness to multiple Javerts!

(As an aside, I will normally refer to a particular adaptation by the actor's name, but will not be doing that in the context of screwing, regardless of several of these actors being very dead.)

The Brick: Quel délice que cet étouffement! Brick Javert might die having lived a "life of privation, isolation, abnegation, chastity, with never a diversion", but what he lacks in experience with your standard use of the equipment, he makes up for in a fine understanding of the erotics of voyeurism, delayed satisfaction, and—of course—discipline. Further, you might catch some sass, but he'll hold still while you tie him up to make sure the ropework is just right when you're done, and after a lifetime of licking boots you can bet he's gonna work through that cramp in his jaw. 10/10, suggest any local DILFs needing a hobby fish him out of the river before he drowns and see whether that perfectionist need to put things in their place can be turned to more recreational ends than the horrific policing of society's unjust structure.

'25: As ever, '25 follows in the Brick's footsteps. It's clear from his self-satisfaction that this Javert is in the know on how closely fear and arousal come to each other. Despite being about as likely to have fucked in the conventional sense as his Brick counterpart, do we really think it matters? We could talk about how Javert's surveillance forces Valjean/Madeleine into an exhibitionistic display of Authority and Javert's desires related thereto, but I'll calm down some instead. 10/10 for accuracy to the original combined with that narrow chance he's got some experience under his belt.

'34: '34 predicts 2012. Less imposing, uncomfortable, he's probably not gonna strangle you, but—other possibilities open, with all that hyperfocus still on hand. Bonus! Great communication skills, will write you very plainly worded notes about what's up. 10/10 for negotiation skills.

'35: Wow, I sure did corner myself into imagining Laughton fucking. Admittedly, "regulations—good, bad, and indifferent—must be carried out to the letter" strikes me as one of the least sexy statements possible (both as an interpretation of Javert's character and in the erotic sense), but may I propose: that vibrating, dampness, and the established trait of Javert as a tease combine to—some kind of positive effect. Ragdoll physics have exciting potential. 9/10, one point removed for willingness to be indifferent.

'58: Is it bad? is it good? you don't remember. 10/10, what a fascinating and novel adventure of Men in Black style forgetfulness to have gone on.

'72: Does his partner feel like a specimen under the microscope? Maybe, but there's a certain magnetism at play. Any Javert's sexual prowess is most easily derived from his interactions with the Valjean he plays opposite, so '72's catastrophically bad depiction of M-sur-M rather curtails my assessment here, but this Javert's intensity and focus point towards intriguing possibilities. He is among the Javerts on this list who seem like they might have gone to bed with a person, an assessment I am making based purely on vibes. 10/10, close enough to canon Javert to hit the above-mentioned potential combined with an air of not being a virgin.

'78: The Javert on this list who has, without a doubt, absolutely fucked. The looks he gives Valjean alone qualify. Also the Javert who I will admit has a 0/10 bedability rating—if the partner in question is a woman. 10/10 in a homosexual context. The kind of man a dear friend of mine calls Little Lord Fauntleroys, this Javert approaches sex with a stiff dignity that might make the uninitiated worry about inhibitions and cold fish, but which actually indicates a deep store of freak-ass ideas and a willingness to, shall we say, experiment (if you can find anything he hasn't already tried).

'98: Built-in lube via hair grease. 10/10 for convenience.

2000: While I have not yet finished this adaptation, I can speak to the bedroom skills of this Javert through his time in M-sur-M. Methodical, attentive, tired but game to persist. 2000 Javert would admittedly rather be napping, but even when faced with an indifferent partner he maintains the pitch of bizarre intensity that is at the root of a Javert's erotic potential. 9/10, point docked for the regrettable impact of fatigue (maybe he should get his vitamin D levels checked?).

2007: He's got anime physics. 10/10

2012: Who'm I to argue against fandom? Crowevert fucks well. Is it despite being a virgin? Is it because he's a virgin? Virginity definitely plays a role of some kind, and Victor Hugo would approve. In stark contrast to other iterations of the character, Crowevert's need to submit himself to a greater authority is expressed as a soft-edged vulnerability rather than rabid intensity, and the resulting sweetness almost makes me blush. Let's draw the curtains and let them be. 10/10, all details can be found in 90% of the AO3 Javert/Jean Valjean tag.

2018: This Javert almost certainly fucked, and if we may draw on what's been communicated by the creator outside the show itself, it was unsatisfactory, the skill all on the part of the professional he paid for the service. Who'm I to argue with that? 1/10, one point added for the transformative work detailing his erotic potential.

[nanowrimo]

Pro Tips from a NaNo Coach: How to Write a Novel in 30 Days

NaNoWriMo can seem like a daunting task sometimes, for NaNo newbies and veterans alike. Fortunately, our NaNo Coaches are here to help guide you through November! Today, author Adiba Jaigirdar is here to share her advice on how to set yourself up for noveling success:

Welcome to the very first week of NaNoWriMo! I’ve done NaNoWriMo for (almost) every year since 2008. I’ve won some, I’ve lost some, but I’ve learned a lot along the way. In fact, I apply a lot of the tactics I learned in NaNoWriMo to all my writing. When I wrote my second book, Hani and Ishu’s Guide to Fake Dating, I ended up with a first draft of 74,000 words written in 30 days. That wasn’t something I would have thought possible in 2008 when I was slogging through my very first 50,000-word novel. That’s why I’m here today to share with you a few tips and tricks I’ve picked up through my writing journey, in the hopes that they serve you and your novel this November: 

1. Accountability 

One of the most difficult parts of writing a novel is that it requires so much self-discipline. It’s not like a job you show up to where your boss is holding you accountable for how many words you’ve written. Only you are ultimately responsible for how much you get done—which is why it’s easy to get demotivated and give up. So, you need to figure out ways in which you can be accountable for your novel this month.

You’ll be glad to hear that you’ve already taken the first step in doing this: you’ve pledged to do NaNoWriMo. You’re here, ready to write. But you can go a step further: ask your friends and family to hold you accountable by checking in on your progress during the month. If you have friends who are doing NaNoWriMo that’s even better; you can hold each other accountable. If you’re on social media, you can share updates every day and be accountable to your followers. There are a lot of ways to do it; so figure out what kind of accountability works best for you! 

2. Planning 

Planning a novel is definitely not for everyone. This is coming from someone who has pantsed many books! Planning can look different for different people. If you are a true-blue plotter, you might have your entire novel planned from beginning to end, with comprehensive chapter outlines. But if you’re not someone who plots out your entire novel before you’ve written a single word, planning is still important.

This planning can look like a rough outline of your book or finishing your writing day and jotting down a few quick ideas of what to write when you come back to writing the next day, or it can be leaving yourself voice memos as ideas spark when you’re nowhere near your novel. Going into every new day of writing without any idea of what the blank page will hold is very, very daunting, which is why planning ahead can be just the motivation that you need to fulfill your word count goal for the day. 

3. Figure out what works for you 

I have published four books so far and I’ve written many more. The process of writing each of these books has been very different. I drafted one in three months, one in 30 days, one was completely plotted with a rigorous outline, while one was plotted with a flexible outline, and two were completely pantsed. What I’ve learned about myself is that to make a book work, sometimes I have to try something different.

The only thing NaNoWriMo requires of you is to write those 50,000 words. How you go about it depends on you. You don’t have to write every single day if that doesn’t work for you. You can write at the same time every day, or a different time every day depending on what sparks your creativity. You don’t have to participate in writing sprints if writing with a countdown doesn’t help you focus. The point is that now’s your time to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. You might be surprised by what methods you swear will never work for you but ends up helping you over that finish line. 

4. Have fun!

This is easier said than done, but try to enjoy writing your novel. Especially when it feels difficult. When I wrote 74,000 words in 30 days, it felt like a breeze because I was having a lot of fun with my book. Try to remember what makes you excited about your novel and go back to that when it’s tough. If writing is what you love, find the joy of it and nurture it throughout this month. The more you enjoy it, the more likely you are to keep writing.

Adiba Jaigirdar is the award-winning, critically-acclaimed and bestselling author of The Henna Wars, Hani and Ishu’s Guide to Fake Dating, A Million to One, and The Dos and Donuts of Love. A Bangladeshi/Irish writer and former teacher, she has an MA in Postcolonial Studies and a BA in English and History. She is the winner of the YA book prize 2022, the KPMG Children’s Books Ireland Awards 2021, and was a finalist for the 2022 Lambda Literary awards. When not writing, she is probably ranting about the ills of colonialism, playing video games, or expanding her overflowing lipstick collection.

[mindfulstudyquest]

❥﹒♡﹒☕﹒ 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗶 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗳𝘂𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲

𝟭. being consistent in journaling ( 🪻 )

i have recently started journaling more consistently and would like to maintain this line. i tried several times to start, failing miserably, because i couldn't find a method that would keep me motivated for a long time. then i purchased the famous five minutes gratitude journal, which is much easier to keep, and which i manage to update almost every day because by simply having to answer the pre-set questions my brain doesn't experience it as a commitment, unlike writing a diary page. alongside the fmj i have another diary with blank pages that i use as a proper diary, writing my reflections, talking about my day, complaining about negative things and stuff like that. i must say that it's therapeutic. i hope this is the right time i can maintain consistency in writing.

𝟮. having a more balanced diet ( 🍋‍🟩 )

i admit i've been eating like shit lately, a lot of sweets and processed foods alternated with periods of fasting due to guilt with the excuse of not having enough time to cook among the thousand things to do. i want to seriously commit to investing some of my time each week into preparing healthy, homemade meals (i could share some recipes here if you want, lmk) that keep me energized and don't ruin my hard work at the gym by adding empty calories to my diet.

𝟯. being consistent in the gym ( 🍄 )

and then obviously going to the gym at least 3 times a week, not really due to a matter of weight/aesthetics, but to cultivate discipline and focus. i believe that physically venting stress is the best and healthiest way to handle the crushing weight of life lately. sometimes i simply need to unload my energy without throwing a fit and risking venting it on someone who has nothing to do with it.

𝟰. reading at least 10 pages per day ( 📚 )

i love reading. i love reading madly, but i also know that i often find a thousand excuses not to do it. my brain fried by social media and zombie scrolling doesn't like the idea of concentrating on printed pages at all and i always put off reading all those books placed on my shelf gathering dust. i haven't read a book in months, so the time has come to break this bad habit and take back my greatest passion. i won't even mention all the benefits of reading, because only one book can give you so much in such a short time.

𝟱. sleep at least 8 hours ( ☕ )

i think my lack of sleep has a psychological component, but i'm no expert so what i say may not actually make any sense. i sleep little, much less than i need, when i was in high school i finished studying very late at night (past 3am) every day because i was so dependent on academic validation that the idea of getting a slightly lower grade than my usual could make me throw up. the thing is, i always delay going to sleep, even though my body is begging me to do so, and i think it's due to an inherent fear that the next day i'll have to go through it all over again. consequently in the morning i'm a wreck and i have to drag myself out of bed, being 30% as productive as i actually could be. i think it's time to work on my sleep schedule much more seriously, i think it could boost my health a lot.

𝟲. spend 15min in the sun every day ( ☀️ )

as a woman i know how important it is to be in the sun to produce vitamin D, unfortunately for me i'm some kind of goblin vampire who can't stay in the sun for more than five minutes without getting sunburned – on top of that my eyes start to water when the light too strong. i'll arm myself with sunscreen and give my body what it needs, hoping i won't get arthritis in my forties.

let me know in the comments what are YOU planning to improve in the near future <3

[goldeneyedgirl]

I feel the NEED to talk about how much Deaf Mary Alice means to me because this story doesn't get enough love??? I have so many questions and thoughts and headcanons (headcanon over the fic yes because I can't help myself) Like.......Jasper just created a language to communicate with her?? Try to tell me this isn't the epitome of romanticism. I would very much like to know how were the first days he spent with her in South, the ideia that he let her get so close to him makes me so 😭💝🥰😫 (also this is very funny in my mind. I supposed she didn't know how to read back then so the communication had to be a challenge, especially if the only thing Jasper was used to teach people was murder)

Anon, I am SO happy and excited that you love Deaf Mary-Alice; I have fun writing a version of Mary-Alice that isn't as depressed and miserable. This version of Mary-Alice definitely tries to outrun her trauma and unhappiness and focus on the good.

I've only got notes for their first meeting (Mary-Alice is very much the 'lost kitten' that kind of keeps going to find Jasper over and over again. And all the other soldiers are bewildered by her, because the Major is *terrifying* and they wouldn't even make eye contact with him if they had a choice) because I keep changing my mind. I can't decide if Jasper did try to discipline Mary-Alice like the other newborns, or if he's always a little bit gentle with her.

Anon, I will cheerfully answer any questions about this verse, and squeal over your headcanons. I am always over the moon when people enjoy my weird little Jalice takes.

I've got a little snippet of some of Alice's feelings below, I hope you enjoy it!

deaf mary-alice.

Sometimes, it’s hard. Especially with the Cullens. She’s never really been bothered by the silence, especially with Jasper. It’s never about living in a quiet world - she doesn't remember any different.

It’s always been about not being alone.

But when her words run out, when she doesn’t know how to say what she needs to, the quiet presses down on her. How does she explain everything she needs Jasper to know? That all of the years, all of the darkness and rage and violence that she lived through, are still there - she just chooses to let it go? That she really does understand that she’s the weak-link, the canary in the coal mine, the thing that never should have survived? Jasper left her behind because it was a miracle she had survived her newborn year, let alone the ones that followed - at least he knew that she was surviving in the South. He had no idea if she'd last a day up North.

(That for Maria’s rage and resentment of Jasper’s defection, Alice lived because of the lingering affection and appreciation Maria held for the Major. That if she’d been the companion of any of the other soldiers, she would have been destroyed out of spite. Or maybe cast out and left to die trying to go north. However it might have happened, she wouldn’t be here if Maria hadn’t been truly fond of Jasper in the end.)

Monterrey is a time capsule, and she feels adrift and unanchored, and she’s really not sure of what can fix her. Jasper's grasp upon her doesn’t feel like enough most of the time, like something terrible is going to pull her from his grasp and this possible life will be lost to her.

She’s terrified he’s going to be the one to let go. That for all that she loves him and that he cares for her, it’s not going to be enough. Jasper will heal and want someone he can speak to, who can talk back; a girl who can fucking say “I love you” out loud. Who doesn’t get frustrated and bewildered when their words run out, when she has to take an extra beat to lip-read and decipher which language is being spoken. A girl who doesn’t need a buffer against the world to survive.

That's Mary-Alice’s biggest fear. That in the real world, the Cullen world, she’s not going to be enough for Jasper. That proximity had turned him in her direction, and now she was just faulty stock. She sure as hell doesn’t fit in with the Cullens - she doesn’t know how to be so neat and clean and calm. She doesn’t have the faintest idea how to be more human than she is. She can't even speak their version of sign language right.

But those are her problems. The ones she doesn’t really like to think about unless Jasper’s at school because he always knows how she feels. It’s only when she’s alone that she lets it all out, that crushing terror that she’s never going to be quite good enough.

(Maria wasn’t surprised when she was found in the wreckage of one of her last battles, leg torn off at the hip. Alice had still killed her opponent. But she knows there was a second that Maria considered just leaving her on the field to perish when scouts found her. Maybe even just douse and burn her; Alice had seen Maria do that before. The terror and determination had sat entirely in her throat. Her visions told her this could go either way, and she got to live.)

And yet, she’s still… hopeful. She might be terrified that Jasper is going to be the one to let go, but she’s clinging tightly to him. The room next to his becomes hers, and Jasper is the one that helps her paint it. It takes a day, as she painstakingly hand-paints mock-wallpaper; Jasper daubs her nose with paint, and she retaliates with a swipe of paint across his face. He laughs and kisses her, tracing the words they have for love down her spine. Later, she finds a heart painted on the wall near the window sill with ‘M-A & J.W.’ written on it, and that warms her right down to her toes.

(When she insists on painting all her furniture by hand, Jasper is the one that takes each piece apart for her; he sits with her as she works, a book in one hand, and the other locked in idle conversation about everything and nothing. He admires her work when she’s done, and she feels bashful, not having the words to explain that she wouldn’t bother with any of this if it was just her. This was her trying to build a ‘them’, trying to turn her room into theirs. She can’t offer him much, especially when it comes to tangible things, but she can offer him this.)

Edward tries to speak with her sometimes. He struggles with reading her mind; she thinks in the signs she and Jasper made together, in Civil War-era Spanish read from lips. He struggles even more to speak with her - he speaks text-book perfect American Sign Language, and flawless Spanish, and she speaks neither. Alice is also not entirely literate in either language, so passing notes is out. It’s messy. But he tries, and she’s grateful for the effort, she just wishes Edward wouldn't weaponize her deafness when she’s upset him. She wishes he would translate so she could be friends with Bella, instead of keeping them apart to protect the human girl. She very much wishes he wouldn’t try and correct her so often.

And when he tries to talk about Jasper, about the toxic thoughts that trickle around in her mind, and his efforts come across stunted and insincere.

(It’s easier to believe Edward’s stilted reassurances that Jasper loves her when she realizes that Jasper walks into the house and beelines to her, insisting upon a kiss before anything else. She obliges, and his greetings are hurried and disjointed as he pulls her close. Sometimes those greetings end in shedding clothing, his hands grasping and stroking bare skin; counting scars, tracing the seams on her skin. Other times, he gathers her up and tells her about his day, asks about hers. He’s gotten back into his old habit of signing all his conversations, even if she’s not in the room; the same way he speaks as he talks to her, a rumbling vibration that is uniquely him.)

[callipraxia]

Things I Learned This Morning:

1) Using print instead of script, which would be faster but less tidy, I may hand-write not far under 1300 words per hour when things are going well. (The exact number was 1267 words)

2) My brain harbors an irrational hatred for the number 4 apparently? (I kept almost skipping it and having to go back and erase the little number above fourth words because I wrote 4 as 5, for instance, going straight from 223 to 225 before I caught myself.)

3) Taking a pencil and individually numbering every word you wrote takes a really long time.

4) Apparently my brain also cannot handle writing a series of numbers that consistently go above two digits. I transpose digits, forget the first digit, write 8 instead of 3, write 5 instead of 8, write 2 instead of 9….I made it through the first 1000 but counted the remainder in blocks of 1-100 in the interests of staying tolerably sane.

5) My print is indeed much more legible than my script, but also, oww, my elbow feels like it’s about to crack right now and my hand feels all twisted up inside, ow ow ow.

(Backstory: I’ve been stuck in a rut for a while, so I decided to say “what the heck” and try to force myself to write a rough draft of one of my fanfic ideas for NaNoWriMo. I’m printing because I am currently Resolved to write a complete rough draft and then revise it, all before posting anything. Then, in theory, I’ll post it by chapter on an actual *posting schedule*. However, since I have never managed to muster the kind of discipline needed to keep working on a project nobody has seen and praised some part of for that long in my entire life…we’ll see. Plus, it might be easy enough to make it to the word count minimum today, but I only just finished the setup phase of the first scene, getting Pacifica from “the alarm clock rang” and through “Pacifica reflects on what mornings in Northwest Manor were like compared to her new life” to the point of “Pacifica has gotten out of bed.” That kind of writing is super-easy for me, but the kinds where things actually happen can be…much slower going. Which means I’ll have to apply even *more* discipline to make quotas on some days. So basically I, a deeply scattered and undisciplined person, am basically attempting to overhaul my personality for at least a month, lol. Wish me luck, folks….

For my GF peeps, I hope that you’ll enjoy the results if this project does amount to anything, even though it is a bit of a departure from my ‘usual’ material. You see, I have a lifelong, deep-seated love for books set in schools/based around school years, and I have decided to combine that with my desire to write some post-canon material. We’re picking up very shortly after the finale, with the first day of school in Gravity Falls - the Pineses should have some involvement, here and there, but mostly via phone and Internet. I’m sufficiently addicted to the “greater scope” that I don’t think I‘ll end up with something that is purely YA or a “girls’ book,” but it will involve focusing on more girls and therefore “girl stuff” than canon/anything I have written previously - Pacifica, Wendy, and Candy are all projected to be narrators, with Grenda also at least being an important character and possibly a fourth narrator. Compare to FWJB, where the narrators consisted of ten dudes, Bill, and Mabel…and although I put him in his own category, Bill does seem to use he/him pronouns when interacting with English-speaking mortals, and so one could very reasonably argue that the narrators consisted of eleven dudes plus Mabel. Soos may well get some narrator time, but this one also seems on course to primarily focus on the kid characters. Gulp. We’ll see how it goes….)

[kithtaehyung]

So, I started university right before the pandemic hit, and demolished all my (barely existent) plans. I'm already almost 23 and more than halfway through a major I picked kind of on a whim based on what I thought I was good at, and tbh I still hate it. And I have no idea what career it would even lead to. I want to get more into music production or maybe even being an artist or something like that, but it's overwhelming and difficult at the same time... I think I love music, I love listening to it, and growing up I loved the energy of performing in bands and choirs and stuff more than anything, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm good at it, and I'm not a computer or instrument expert either... I feel so lacking in pretty much all of the various talents/skills... I know practice makes better, but it's so hard to persist when you feel so far behind, and it's hard not to feel discouraged completely when there's always someone newer, younger, and already so much better...

Babe, you are 22. You have.. SO much life ahead of you.

I know that doesn’t seem like anything to go off of right now, but I cannot express enough how excited I am for you because 22 is a wonderful age to start things. You have time to mess up, time to figure things out, time to really try a bunch of shit and get a grasp on what direction you wanna go for.

Don’t let society or other people tell you you’re too old to start something or too late to try something else. Who cares if there are people younger and better than you at something? Who cares if you don’t have a skill set right now? That’s gonna happen. As soon as you recognize that as a fact instead of a barrier for you to overcome, your mindset is gonna shift to “okay, what can i personally do to improve and get better? what do i myself need to do to get where i wanna be?”

Honestly.. this ask feels like something younger me is writing. Because I compared myself to countless people when I was in my early twenties and lmfaoooooo you know what? That dark place of “thinking I wasn’t gonna do great so why try” has only left me with regrets. You have a choice to make and if you really want what you want, go for it and don’t stop.

If I had actually took music production seriously and kept making shitty beats on FL Studio in my dorm room and didn’t give a shit about people telling me it’s not worth it to pursue? Who knows, I could’ve had a studio by now. I could’ve been on the Big Hit production team. I could’ve been working with Metro Boomin or any world-class producers.

Do those goals seem hilarious? Yes. But they also probably could’ve come true if I worked hard enough. But I’ll never know. Because I didn’t keep going when I did. Because I hit that wall of seeing how much I didn’t know about music and production and everything that goes into it, and I got discouraged and dropped it to focus on other things that were safer, more likely to keep me afloat. Don’t be like me if this is something you really do want.

We can do this together, really. Because I’m going for shit now too because that passion itself hasn’t gone away. I am asking people for advice when I need it. I’m networking with musicians and producers and mixing engineers and managers. I’m figuring out what I need to do and where I need to look for educational pieces and putting in the work that I was too discouraged to put in before. All while trying to tell myself it’s okay that I’m where I am at 30. Do this with me. It’s only gonna help you.

Bottom line: if you wanna do something, do it. So what if people are better than you? So what if you don’t have the skills or knowledge right now? Stay disciplined and do the work. Don’t half ass it and don’t think it’s gonna be something you do on the side. Treat it like it’s your life, and practice the hell out of whatever it is. If you end up thinking “this isn’t what I want,” then at least you know for sure and you can pick something else up. But if you keep that passion, hard work and effort will bring you great things.

And you’re gonna look back at this ten years from now and laugh because you’ll realize 22 isn’t far into life at all.

[pallastrology]

uni diaries: january 2024

i wasn't sure i'd have much to write about this month, since i don't start my next module until next week, but the month ended up being a bit more eventful than i expected! i've been taking latin lessons and am finding it... complicated, lol, but really interesting. i've also restarted learning welsh through duolingo - perhaps not the best resource out there, but free and easy to do short lessons when i have a few minutes to myself - which i'm enjoying. i'm kind of at the stage with welsh now where i need to hunt down some textbooks and a dictionary so i can build up my technical knowledge, so that's a project for february i think.

as far as uni goes, i've been preparing for my next module, which is all about academic writing. i'll be writing an academic review of an article or paper, doing a presentation, and then writing an essay. i'm absolutely dreading the presentation, not going to lie, but as my study skills tutor reminded me, by doing it i'll be helping to ultimately ease my anxiety and also will be helping my fellow students to learn how to present. i've started my research for the topic i want to cover for this module, which is y mabinogi, or, the mabinogi; they are welsh mythological tales, written in the eleventh century but probably based on older, oral histories and legends. i'm doing some preliminary research right now and building up some maps of the stories, characters and world, which i might post if anybody is interested. i'm for sure no expert on the mabinogi, but it's something that rests close to my heart.

i also got my grades back for my first module and, depending on what the exam board say, i got a first :-) i'm really happy and surprised, especially with the feedback i got for my last assignment, which was so positive i cried haha. so yeah, overall it's been a nice month, though it has definitely been hard to 'get back into' my studies after taking some time off over christmas and then getting sick for a couple of weeks. i've felt quite disorganised and overwhelmed, and it's been very hard to focus on my studies, but i'm hoping that will get easier. something i know i need to work on is discipline; it's not that i'm lazy, but having a toddler and a chronic illness is very draining, and so i sometimes have to pick my battles and take more breaks or do less than i'd like to, which then leads to overwhelm and avoidance because of the mountain of tasks that build up. so i want to work on a tighter routine and trying to work breaks into my day rather than ending up having to take a whole day (or more) off.

pictured: the very unloved trees in my garden, and one of my rabbits 🐰

[sleepyowlwrites]

hello, since you oferred advice to the other anon can I get some words of wisdom too? you don't have to, I understand it can be a lot to ask. or maybe just a ear to listen? idk I'mhaving mixed emotions right now because somet things made me realize that even though I like writing, it's only gonna be ever for myself. which isn't a bad thing but I wanted to one day publish something but I find out now that writing is really hard and I don't have the discipline or even much interest it studying how to do it "right" like all the technicalities and stuff. so really I just like the finished product and how it "looks" in my brain more. I do like trying to figure out how to make a story make sense and all the behind the scenes stuff, but I'm rarely able to get to that stage due to being tired and unable to focus/ discipine myself to work.

I was wondering if there was something I could do about it? I mean I guess I need to accept that now when I write it's just gonna be as a hobby and for myself. though, similar to the other anon, I would like to share my writing, I mean I think we all want to share something we make at some point. but I probably have to give up wanting to make any kind of career or even part time thing from writing. I'm just not built for it I guess.

it's hard to accept. I tried developing templates for myself to follow to make it easier but I failed. I've tried many tips and suggestions and advice to write better but I just can't seem to grasp the craft. even reading doesn't help me.

I've thought about writing poetry instead, like you. but even though I like reading it I don't really like writing it much. I prefer to have characterts and drama, typical story stuff. but I struggle when it comes to putting everything together and actually crafting/building the story rather than just tell it.

sorry this got too long, I'm not really sure what I was trying to say, just need to go on a rant. I'm sorry if this was rude of me. thanks for reading if you do and I always like your responses so that's why I reached out, but let me know if I shouldn't do it like this

Had to wait until I got home from work.

So it looks like you understand your situation pretty well, actually, which is great to see.

Writing doesn't have to be a full time thing for you to go the published route. We have several published authors on here who have other jobs! You don't need to devote your whole career to it. It's fine for it to be a hobby and for it to be a hobby that you'd like to pursue a final result in.

If writing is something you enjoy, keep doing it, and if you'd like to progress, you can do it. (You can probably do it. Not everything is achievable for everyone. I will never be able to do advanced math, no matter how hard I try. My brain can't process it. But from what you're saying, your braincan process writing.)

You already know stuff you like or dislike, right? You know the story, just not how to tell it? Here are a few things that have worked for me and my discombobulated brain.

1. Bullet point lists. Just listing off major plot beats in bullet points. It's not an outline, it's not a plan, it's just a list of stuff that happens.

2. Rubber ducking. I pick somebody from something I've watched recently - for a whole there it was Keanu Reeves - and I explain my story to them multiple times so I understand myself how it works. Or not.

3. Draw a map. Not just a land map, but a map of where the characters go and notes on where they're from and what they're doing in each place.

4. Ask games. I make up so much stuff for ask games and some of it even stays canon!

5. Don't try to fit yourself into one mold of one type of writer. Just write whatever. Write one wip or 17. Write short fiction. Write fanfiction. Write one paragraph stories. Write comics with stick figures or rambling prose that goes nowhere.

5. When you read, rewrite it in your head. Edit those books! Pull out a trope you notice and stick it in a story. (A trope is anything as general as "enemies to lovers" and as specific as "traumatized tall girl with a big sword.")

6. Actually rewrite scenes, from any media you like. Choose a new pov. Focus on a particular sense, like touch, or write it in future tense, or change the setting.

7. Write descriptive prose that's not a story. Write something that's only dialogue. Write journal entries. Switch it up.

And sweetheart, if you are unable to focus or enjoy this hobby that is usually a good time for you, I think think the hobby is the issue. There's something else going on in your brain and taking up the space and you don't have room to create.

For instance, I work retail, full-time, and it’s the holiday season, and I'm fatigued and stressed and not currently writing anything. But I was also not writing when it wasn't the holiday season. And I was too fatigued to create then, too. And it's probably because my depression is acting up.

This might not be the case for you. I can't know. But everybody learns differently, and if you're willing to try new ways of learning, you might find the one that works for you! I hope so. I hope that you sit down with your brain and parse through it, taking the time to figure out the style that suits you best.

But mostly I hope you understand that regardless of how your brain functions or doesn't, that you are amazing and trying, because you like this thing, and you don't want to give up on it. So good job. As long as it is a thing that you like, I hope you keep trying. Somewhere there is a method that speaks to you, some way that helps you find the dawn after the dark. I believe you can find it.

Keep going, love.

[mythgrippa-blog]

Day 0 - rebooting

Hello, call me Mythgrippa! Nice to meet you, the name comes from two fascinations I have, myths and Marcus Agrippa (my favorite Roman). I am currently doing my final year of computer science and I've done a lot, I'll list them out in a different blog post but it was a lot a lot and I'm left with only one semester which I'm quite excited about.

However, I think I must have overworked myself to get to this point, like I'm truly exhausted all the time, can't really focus on my work and having constant feelings of stress and anxiety, I used to be a stallion programmer but I can barely write a few lines of code and not feeling mentally overwhelmed.

This morning, like in the night I woke up to go to the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep so I went online and got a bit too curious and searched up why I'm like this and found an online blog post which explained all the symptoms I've been experiencing with pin point accuracy.

I'm mentally exhausted, it makes sense because I'm always thinking about whatever school work I have and trying to get good grades, sleeping deep into the night trying to get work done. My performance has been declining, I still get work done but my quality isn't what it used to be. I've also been neglecting self care and not going outside, my skin is starting to show, I'm black by the way and my tone has started feeling... spotty? I don't know, I don't like it. My self confidence has kind of diminished because of it so there's that as well.

So, I still have a lot of work to do, like a software project for school that I'm the leader of, so I have to be the technical lead and also the semester hasn't started yet so I've to prepare for that as well. These are my stressors. I've to stop this mental daemon from running all the time.

To accomplish this, the article I read suggested these 11 solutions

Eliminate the stressors

My stressors would be mostly work, I can't just simply eliminate it because I have to finish this semester, and its not something I can set aside, plus my software project with my group isn't going so well so we gotta work our butts off for that

Work-life balance

Alright, this is part I get because I honestly don't have a life. The closet life I have is the friends I hang out with at school when on break and also the tennis games we go to, but I've mostly been a work person. So, for starters I need a life!!! But where to start... maybe I should start. Perhaps restricting myself to working up to 6 hours or less per day?

I could play video games or watch movies, I mean... hm... I'll try out the other games and watch more TV, I haven't been reading any of my novels or play board games. I'm off Twitter and Reddit, I don't like scrolling mindlessly for hours.

Damn it!! I remember that one of my friends has my board games, no matter I'll just play on ipad, hopefully there are good apps in the app store. I'll see what my other friends have to say. Well I'll see what I will do

Clear your space

I suppose this means I should rid of what doesn't kindle joy, I'm in recess at the moment and I'm back home, I don't have a room of my own so I sleep in my little brother's room (which used to be mine before I moved to uni), the spare that I usually sleep in is occupied by one of my older brothers. This room is a mess and I really can't do much about it other than tidy some stuff but the way things are laid out is just so annoying, so much wasted space. But this isn't my room anymore so I can't really do anything major plus my energy is down the drain.

Schedule (and take) regular breaks

I should take breaks when working, I used to study using Pomodoro and it was quite effective I won't lie but I've lost some of my discipline, at least partly attributed to the main reason I'm writing this in the first place.

How did I go so many semesters without taking regular breaks, not even like five minutes, I'm really a mad lad. I'll try to take at least 5 minutes off per hour, that should make it easier, but what constitutes a break? Doing nothing? I suppose that works

Get outside

In terms of this, I try to go outside but the weather is just so cold, but the sun does feel good but I'm the type of person who likes dark and gloomy weather accompanied by rain and thunder storms, I just really like that, the rain drops crashing onto the roof or window, the warm clothing I get to wear!! Oh my goodness, it feels like a mental refresher because I naturally feel easy and relaxed when there's rain. But I'll try to go out, perhaps a jog every now and then?

Do something new

Something new... well I could really try that, I used to go to the gym but school got so hectic I had to cancel my membership but I think I'll go back since I believe the hardest semester has concluded (last semester was the hardest honestly and I'm glad I made it out alive).

I'll try out other types of sports because I want to regain my stamina and activeness, my right leg though... its fine I'll be fine, I'll buy better shoes and sports gear. I'll try to be healthier, eat my fruits daily, and drink plenty of water.

That's a lot of stuff, how will I manage though? I'll figure it out but at least the idea is there

Reduce screen time

I mean... even though its the start of recess and I'm done with my old modules and the new ones haven't started yet, I'm still checking my emails and notifications, I do have the group project, and I'm doing Computer Science, I need a computer to science god damn it, how am I supposed to reduce that. I'll let this one slide. Because I can't really digitally detox... I'm not ready for that or even see the need to, but I can reduce the amount of time I spend on my phone, no phone time between 10PM and 7AM, that worked before in the past. But as for computer time, yeah I can't really reduce that.

Find positive ways to distract yourself

I used to have this bad habit I'm still recovering, I tricked myself into thinking it could help get the "edge off", I regret it and I'm glad I'm not that person, incase you're wondering its not drugs or weed or alcohol or any bad substances... I've never done any of that, and NO I DON'T VAPE. I'm as a clean as they get, but there's always been something I've been struggling with for almost four years now but I think I've finally learnt to let it go for the better.

You could say it was a negative distraction for myself, but no more of that I just need a positive way to distract myself, perhaps calling up an old friend? I haven't spoken to a number of people, I am messaging someone but they're not a regular person I talk to because of odd response times but I'm one of those people who'll reply as soon as they see your message no matter how long you take because I get people have stuff to do or don't feel like replying at times, its completely normal.

Perhaps I'll start playing games again? But that can get out of hand pretty quickly, actually... having coffee with my best friend can work? Yeah, there are plenty, I'll just ask her (oh yeah, a bit of a rant but I'm a guy, my best friend is a girl so yeah that can be a thing, why don't people get it! Guys and Girls don't have to date to have fun, goodness I hate my class mates, for CS nerds they're sure talkative, they're nice people but JEEEEZ). I'll ask her if I want to be distracted, or my other friends as well

Take care of yourself 

I need to eat nourishing food, I ate a lot of KFC and boy it ain't good for ya, but it helps fill me up but I'll try to be better than that and eat better. I'll start eating from this restaurant I frequent they sell some delicious and nourishing food. I'll also try to sleep by 10 and wake by 7, that should be plenty of rest yeah? I will drink water every day, trust me I'm a water freak.

Focus on what you can control

I can't really do everything, so I should be able to tell others what to do, I am group leader after all. I'll see what I can do and what should be done, I'll delegate and try to organize more. So, that the objective is very clear. I'm not a stallion anymore, I can't code for hours on end like I used to, but luckily there's capable members in my group so I'll delegate the work to them and do my group leader duties.

Talk to a coach or therapist

NO

Well that lists everything, I wrote so much without realizing it, this was all in one sitting so I'm impressed with myself. I always did enjoy writing stories, I'm not as creative anymore but when it comes to stuff like this, I have like 3 filled up diaries.

If you made it this far, I'm so impressed with you, thank you for taking an interest and reading my first public blog (I've written so many private ones that I'll never release because I'm so embarrassed plus its useless and uninteresting, like unfinished stories, other diary attempts, blah blah)

Well thanks again you and I'll see you in the next one

[sanchoyo]

2, 8, 13, and 24 :3c

2. 5 favourites of your own work?

umm picking absolute favs is very hard but heres some I like a Lot. def click for bigger size on these ^^; also, the 4th one is a comm for a friend, whos sister is a PROFESSIONAL MERMAID, LIKE AS A LIVING?? and it was a gift for her sister (THE MERMAID.) very very cool story behind that one. :)

(and the original posts these were from: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) )

8. What do you like most about your own work?

...I feel like the thing I get complimented on most is the colors, but tbh? i like how ..flexible? I am sometimes. like I feel pretty good saying I can switch up my style pretty drastically when I feel like it, which is a nice thing to be able to do. (I owe it to yrs of trying to imitate very specific anime styles LMAO)

13. Show your favourite drawing from last year

...this is gonna sound SO conceited but I had a hard time picking bc I liked a lot of drawings from last year (which is funny considering I dont think I did that many compared to other years...)

i kind of want to say one from my ekleipsis illustration series just bc they are SO different from my regular cutesty style, it was FUN doing smth so out of my comfort zone!

like, whos style is this? certainly not my Usual, does not feel like a ME drawing but thats kinda why I liked it a lot...felt like I was proving a point to myself 😭 all of them in that series are kinda like this bc the story had borderline horror fantasy elements lol

24. How do you deal with artblock?

it Depends. the thing abt art block is that it happens for different reasons (at least in my case) and its easier to fix when i know WHY its happening. dont feel like working on a comm? thats a self-discipline issue, gotta prioritize it, its a job I am being paid for, so Gotta do those. (even if usually fun, art block has been known to happen w them before lol) not liking a drawing and getting frustrated so I dont wanna keep working on it? skill issue or lacking technical knowledge probably, time to dig for refs or do studies. bored of looking at the current drawing? well now the issue is I Need to figure out how to make it more interesting, or go work on smth else for a while. and honestly a lot of the time it personally helps me a lot to just...step away from art for a bit. maybe a few weeks or even months before...during that time I focus on other art forms (like, I'll not draw but write or craft or smth) OR just try to find new artists, and sit and analyze THEIR work. what do I like abt their styles? what makes it work? i find it helps me appreciate my own art more when I love other ppls, esp when I see speedpaints or smth and can appreciate their processes too ^_^ and having fresh eyes after a while of not drawing is...nice? refreshing...weirdly enough lol.

tysm for asking!! this was rly fun to answer :D

[kinfriday]

Hangry

Curled up in my chair, I’m feeling groggy and down today.  

Yesterday, after a week of success keeping to my disciplines, it all fell apart.  

Everything I build up for myself within my own mind, these frameworks and methods, seem to fall apart when I hit the right kind of stress.  

However, today is a new day. There is no reason to relive yesterday, only to learn from it, and so I’m trying to take my lessons, journaling out my observations, and then curl up in quiet reflection.  

Saturdays are rest days for me, where I let all my routines ease, as I focus on the week ahead, but Saturdays have also become fasting days.  

Fasting is not a tradition you will see come up often on a heathen path, but it has found its way into mine, yet for reasons not exactly divinely oriented.  

Within Christian traditions one fasts as a way of being solely reliant on their god. They sacrifice and deny the physical to honor the spiritual, weaken the body and strengthen the soul, often also being used as a form of penance.  

Yet my Gods do not require this of me, nor do I think they would particularly value this as an act of devotion so then the natural question is why do it?  

Because it’s not about the act honoring the Gods, but me honoring the Gods, and part of that path for me is service.  

Come again?  

Stay with me, let me explain.  

Lately I’ve been cracking the spines of a lot of new books. There’s not a lot to go on building a heathen ascetic path; this was never something my spiritual ancestors did. As such I have no guides from St Olaf of Woden or anything of the sort to give me guidance on how to do exactly what I’m doing.  

These are uncharted waters that I’m sailing through, seeking a distant shore not yet trodden upon.  

And thus, I have broken a steady diet of Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and lately, Star Wars Audiobooks to look into what other disciplines have to say about the ascetic path, and two that have been connecting the strongest with me are Stoicism and Buddhism. 

 I believe most anyone could benefit from reading Aurelius’ Meditations at least once. Far from being a dense and inaccessible tome it is instead full of thoughts and observations on how to get through the day by a Roman Emperor who would have much rather been a philosopher.  

It is filled with practically, and I think, along with works like the Dhammapada, will always have a place on my shelf next to the Poetic Edda and the Havamal.  

Within the writings of Aurelius and the other stoics, you will find talk of training yourself up for hardship. 

Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.  -Seneca  

So just as I work out to make sure I’m in proper condition to face a physical challenge, I fast, and pursue other mental disciplines, to prepare for the more ethereal challenges that happen in my life.  

Not eating makes me grumpy. It leaves me feeling a bit miserable. Some people call it hangry. As much I hate the fact I must eat, I rather enjoy the physical “hit” from eating, and so, depriving myself of that for a day or two forces me to work on myself, and my interactions with others.  

I know that fast is coming, and I know I can’t just pull myself out of the world as I’m going through this. My partners are going to want to interact with me, my Mom is going to call on the phone and friends are going to engage with me online, both in friendship and in need of support.  

Meanwhile, this grumpy hungry beast is counting the minutes and the hours until I can have my oatmeal again. 

Braced for the wave of hardship this causes, it reminds me to focus on my values, look past the hunger pains, and drill down to what I’m about. To paraphrase Aurelius, feelings are something outside of me, but my decisions about those feelings are my own, so by taking on the little trials I’m more ready to face the larger ones that I will face in the world.  

By doing so, I bring  honor to my Gods, because I’m honoring my path, and the mission I feel I’m called too.  

Actions show what words claim, and if I don’t prepare and work when it’s easy to keep myself on this path, I will fail to do so when it’s hard.  

So, in spite of my week, in spite of yesterday’s failures or victories, Saturday is a fasting day, a hard point of discipline in my week so that I might ever have a chance to get stronger and walk this path a little truer with each passing moment.  

The impediment to action advances the action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” -Marcus Aurelius   -Sister Snow Hare

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

the fog

alright fine I'm here again

spun myself into such a cycle that I created opaque clouds

nothing makes any sense

another man on his knees telling me

he's sorry for treating me like everyone else who hurt him

another me who doesn't realize

what the fuck I'm always doing wrong

why I'm so filled with resentment

why I can't finish anything

why no matter how many questions I ask

clarity is just something no one can give me

it's my fault somehow

I just have to fix the leak somehow

find the leak somehow

people talk about solid foundations

as if they are just given out

"build a solid foundation of support"

okay cool like that exisits

maybe it does I just wasn't meant to find it yet

I'll find it when my frequency matches I guess

I'm so tired of the tests and trials and challenges

tired of wishing the universe was just done with me

it can't be that fun to play with a broken doll

can't you go find a new one

isn't that what you used to do anyways

I didn't realize how many demons I was summoning

I work so hard to stay focused and mine some dopamine

in all the ways I used to

it used to work and now nothing does

they all laugh at me and tell me that once again

I'm going to fail another project I told everyone

I was going to get done

and I can't focus because once again

everything is too much

I'm not being a good mother

I'm not a wife except in legal name

I'm not a friend

I'm just here

and trying

but it never works out

and I'm so angry and frustrated and I

have always been doing everything

by myself and I can get everything done

for everyone else but not the things

I self sabotage and I thought I fixed this

I'm pre-embarrassed because there's a

lack of integrity in saying I'm going to climb to heaven

and all the ladders end up on fire

and my hands are burning

and I'm coughing due to the smoke

and my hands melting off

but I keep going and I keep going

everyone scolds me for having blisters

and then remarks on my lack of experience

I'm trying and I'm learning and nothing ends up...

working or finishing or happening

I don't understand how to connect

people connect with me and are inspired by me

but I'm just behind glass

it's cold and I watch their affection

hit the plane and bounce off away from me

I made my own warmth

take another bath

sing another song

do another meditiation

watch another video

meet another need or domestic task

repeat the process because it all just drains me

this feels so humilitating

if I can write about it why can't I fix it

maybe I'm just sad I can't focus

on what I decided to focus on

I get focused and then someone needs me

and I lose everything I had lit up in my head

it's so fucking frustrating

and the war outside my spaceship has

left me with low shields

that's somehow my fault too

maybe I'll wake happier tomorrow

and things will click into place

it feels a little hopeless now

those are normal human emotions

it's okay to struggle and feel uncomfrotable

life has kind of taught me that never changes

but everything is possible in the hyperpresent

I don't know what I'm doing wrong

why don't I have more self-discipline

or strength or determination

I learned everything I could about all of them

okay that's fine I'll just keep

walking blindly forward into whatever mess

I make of something else

my son told me last night that he was

used to the fighting

and what I'd essentially taught him

about love relationships was that you needed

to accept people were going to be mean to you

and get stronger so it didn't bother you

and I said, holding back a sob

"it's not supposed to be like that

with someone you choose to love"

I failed as a model for healthy relationships

I chose wrong and I let myself be disabled by it

I'll figure it out and I'll change it

I'll finish this stupid book called Sisyphus

I'll get a job and I'll get a new place

and I'll show them who I am again

but tonight I'm going to let myself

feel sorry for myself so myself doesn't have to

feel so alone and hopeless by myself

poor dumb creature and her trusting heart

pretending to be a badass on the internet

so she doesn't have to face

what she let her reality become

I don't know what's real anymore

I don't even know if truth exists

since everything is subjective anyways

just tonight... just tonight

I'll go to sleep and hold myself crying

and feel the gravity of everything that's wrong with me

get up tomorrow and try again

[akaiconquistador]

I need to write more/ thought patterns

I haven't written something meaningful in days. The thing I've found that helps manage stress, keep me on track with progress, come up with new ideas- something I have fun doing, has fallen out of my habit loop.

Anyhow, I think it's important to remember the ideas of Plato's forms. In its simplest, there are two worlds. The body is a physical machine. It has it's one biome of growth. Growth in a given environment shapes/ molds a person and how they learn to live. I question whether how a person is raised also teaches a person patience, how to deal with distractions, how to be kind, and how to gauge what they truly need to obtain what they truly want, as well as the thoughts of thinking behind finding what they need/ need to do and how it is they find what they want.

I think about this whenever I start to have a clear mind. Write now, and it probably stands out in my writing, I do not have the clearest of minds. But I'm in an airbnb waiting for my phone to charge before I go out, and I've been telling myself I want to put some random stuff on tumblr.

When I have the clear mind, the days prior are usually me getting done what needs to get done. On clear mind days, I have things do to, but it's a list of proactive activities, not ones I've been procrastinating over. I wake up early in the morning, before 7am, if I'm lucky 6. The night prior was good sleep. Not a late night watching anime or getting a shitty meal at 9 pm.

After I wake up on a clear mind day, I don't always, if fact I rarely ever realize it's one of those days, though my mind/ body have intuition into helping stay in that clear mind. That being said, the first thing I gravitate towards on a clear mind day in the morning is a cup of water and little time to journal. Journaling at the start of the my day lets me organize and define what I'm going to do for the day. Instead of saying "then I'll play guitar", I'm shifting toward a more definitive plan saying "I'm going to practice blah blah" saying exactly what I'm going to do, sometime within a time frame. It's helped me progress more and has a higher success rate for me actually doing the thing.

I love having a clear mind. I feel smart and am less apt to doing the things that will slow me down(aka pleasure outlets) from the hard work activities connected to growing. Not all days are clear mind days. I would say on average my mind is 60% clear at most times, and I have a very clear day maybe 2 times a week. In that 60% I can still get everything done I need to get done, and I do. But sometimes I'd like to get that clear mindedness, saying upwards of 90% or 95%, on those days. I need it in order to comprehend homework or learn a new song. The times I need it most and can't get to it is when I am the most frustrated. It's truly frustrating when I'm sitting down to say do some homework, knowing I'm not in the clear mind, remembering I was a couple days ago or the day before and I failed to use it to do something "meaningful".

At the farmer's market I bought some mushroom pills that are supposed to help with brain fog and muscle irritation and what not. Talking to the man selling them he was saying how the modern diet doesn't include the nutrients people need to be truly focused, or at least not enough of them. Knowing that my diet was far from what one would call consistently healthy and aware that I constantly had brain fog/ head distractions, I bought the pills and have been trying them out. They've worked pretty good. Great to meditate with.

But anyway, I was confused as to what makes the brain so unpredictable when it comes to focus. Sometimes I can sit and think on a subject for countless minutes, thinking about it deeply and from multiple angles. Other days I sit to think and after many twists and turns wonder how I got on the subject I'm at. This is of course natural, but for me, this off track-ness, lack of focus, digs into my being able to be patient, discipline, and then eats away at my psyche, telling my I myself am off track, my life is going nowhere and I am doing nothing.

I'll come back to this topic/

I'm still finding a way to use this thing(tumblr). I like to write, I like to edit. But when I put something into edit mode it sits and goes nowhere, most of the time. So I might post some gibberish on here sometimes but I'd rather do that sometimes than search for perfection and never have anything.

But yes, I am working on my focus and my discipline. I agree with that one philosopher who said you need to put the body through strain/ hard work or it won't listen to you. I believe the saying was something like that. I haven't worked out for about 3 days and look where I am.. scattered at the least.

But everything will be fine. I am nice to others and wish to grow. This life is quite short so my focus lies in obtaining new information that is fun and intriguing, having fun, seeing cool things, and creating what I can to have a good time and possibly help others do the same.

At some point I hope to go insane if I have not already. Till that day I will sign off. I will write on here more, hopefully with more interesting things to say.

Ciao

[andswarwrites]

I'm not sure how I'm going to write today, when I'm listening to a combination of show tunes and vintage country I compiled this morning.  I've shed a few tears.  It's just the right kind of day for this: it's cloudy, gloomy, rainy, cool and damp.  With music I am lighting a comforting flame to warm my hands and heart, to prop my feet up and immerse myself in the glow of nostalgia.  I'm not always singing along out loud, though at times the words burst forth from my mouth.  I'm singing along on the inside, lyrics I have known for decades, they fill my head, they move me in a way I have difficulty expressing.  Like embracing a beloved friend you haven’t seen in too long, and knowing exactly what they are going to say.

I worked on one of my projects yesterday afternoon.  I've got a science fiction novel just budding, I've got a completed dystopian novel to edit, which I am doing with my mom, and I have this sort of memoir jumble to compile.  To do that, I have to sift through all of my writing from 2022.  A lot of it is a detailed description of daily living, but every once in a while I come across a brief description of what life was like for me last year.  It's encouraging, because I'm doing so much better than that, even though it feels as though I am not living up to my own standards right now.  For example, this time last year, I had to drag myself out of bed every morning.  Now I get up between 7:00 and 8:00 AM most weekdays.

I actually usually wake up around 6:30 AM, not due to an alarm, but naturally.  Gone are the nights where I got sleepy and even dizzy shortly after taking my medication.  Gone are the mornings of not being able to get out of bed, because of being in a half-asleep daze.  I wake up, and I check the time.  If I have time, I roll over and close my eyes for a nap until the alarm sounds.  When it does, I either hop out of bed, or I lie listening to the whole song, then get up.  At times, I return to bed after my morning routine is completed, and get up just before it's time for school to start.  And that's another difference: we are so structured now, we even have a school bell on my phone.

Last year had quite the learning curve for me.  I had to learn what is involved in teaching a twelve year old girl a High School curriculum.  My daughter is highly creative and intelligent, but she struggles with her ability to focus and she has bad days every once in a while, where no matter if you threaten or cajole, it's got nothing to do with her work ethic or willingness: she simply cannot accomplish even the simplest task on her own.  She needs support always, but on one of her bad days, she basically needs to be led by the hand like a small child.  I've learned to identify when she is having an exceptionally hard time, and make allowances.  And there's a reason I do this.

I have bad days too.  Sometimes a bad day can turn into a bad week.  At least N-'s don't do that.  If I want to be treated with kindness and understanding when I'm struggling, shouldn't I also treat my precious girl with consideration?  I know the difference between being too easy on yourself, and genuinely not being able to function.  The end of the year is especially challenging, for both teacher and student.  We start strong in the fall, we make it through the winter months, and then in the spring, we basically fall to our knees and crawl across the finish line.  It takes a lot of tenacity, and it requires reasonableness, discipline, flexibility and insight. 

My therapist pointed out what an interesting family the three of us make with our personalities, our unique perspectives.  Essentially each one of us is neurodivergent in our own distinct way.  In some ways mother and daughter understand one another, in other ways father and daughter understand one another, in other ways mother and father are on the same page, and speak the same language.  And yet where we differ, we widen one another's horizons, we teach each other to adapt to and even celebrate each other.  When I remember how rigid my husband used to be, and how he has softened and adjusted, I am astounded at how much a person can evolve.

I don't like to say a person changes.  We don't.  We remain fundamentally who we are.  We can change habits.  We can break free of thought processes and superstitions that hold us captive.  In that way we can change, but in my personal experience, when I tried to deny who I am, because I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, that led me to inner conflict and deep unhappiness.  We have to accept ourselves, and more than that, we have to love that person.  I'll never forget how, in my twenties, I sat with S- and actually said, and meant, that I loved myself, and I burst into tears, because the familiar hatred I had lived with had disappeared.

I don't hate people, but I hated me.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  It's not.  With balanced self love, so much more healing took place, so gradually I can't even describe it.  I can't take all of the credit: I received a lot of solid advice from various sources.  And the love of the man who has been enveloping me and cherishing me with care and warmth since the summer of 2006 was a key factor.  I've always had his admiration and respect, ever since we met, but his love bewildered me at first, because I didn't know what I had done to deserve it, and I lived in terror of its loss.  Then N- came along in 2010, and when she was a baby, S- held her and fed her and changed her, bathed her and cherished her.

When N- got to the age where she started to express herself, assert herself, and take up space as is her right, I saw a side of my husband I had never seen before: he seemed to want her to be one of those children who are "seen and not heard," which was intolerable to me.  You see, N- did not have the "terrible twos".  She has a communication disorder that did not allow her to have a voice when other children obtain theirs.  So she wrote me a note, misspelled but clear: "Help.  I can't speak."  I told her I wanted to help her to speak, and she told me I needed to shoot her with the "speak ray."  I asked her where it was and she said it was in her room.  We went there and I "shot" her, and somehow she spoke normally after that.

S- needed to adjust to this “new” N-, chattering happily in the back seat of the car, making noise in the apartment, striking up conversations and, finally, asking questions.  I was so relieved, I embraced this development easily, but my husband didn't know what to do.  He'd rebuke her, which would lead me to defend her.  It's been gradual, but over time, S- has learned how to communicate with his daughter, and the closer their relationship, the closer I feel to him as well.  It was the roughest patch he and I have ever encountered, and if he had not adapted, I am certain we would have ended.  When I look at my family as it is, even with the looming challenge of raising a teenager, I am grateful for every day, good or bad, because it's a day I get with my family.  My amazing, quirky family.