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What the future holds

Hello! There's just so much to write about today... but I've have been such a stale mind for the last couple of days, like I can't concentrate... its always like this during exams ugh...

I told a girl I liked her, I "may" have made things awkward... yeah I honestly suck like a lot. But hey I finally told a girl I liked her instead of just keeping it to myself for years and lamenting about it.

That is something to dilly dally about that I suppose.

I've uninstalled whatsapp again because my head just can't take it anymore... its been months and I still haven't relapsed so thats something I'm happy about! Maybe I'm going back to normal but who am I kidding it'll probably be months until that happens.

I'm writing in just 3 days holy crap... why am I like this, let me try and get into the study mood.

As for my future, there's a lot of stuff I need to figure out... I wish I could write them out now, but maybe in a week yeah?

I wish I could sleep with impunity however that can happen in a week, just one more week and the hardest part of this is over... ugh this sucks!!! Why the pressure, make or break moments like these stress me out immensely...

But hey its moments like these that keep us moving forward yeah?

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★ 【夕涙ウユ】 「 エキドナ 」 ☆ ✔ republished w/permission ⊳ ⊳ follow me on twitter

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Things to do

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I found that song I liked

I was feeling down in the slumps and needed a song to relax me but I couldn't find it since its one of those long play lists but I found it. The name of the song is called "affairs of the heart". Here are playlists I like for safe keeping. I couldn't find the rest but I'll make this do, I should also make use of my music app's playlist thingy.

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New session

Finally got to finish my 6-7 month group project, and the booth we set up looked really nice. I just stood there and everyone came to ask questions, our set up was like a science fair type thing, we had our monitors set up, posters on two boards and QR Codes to use our website posted around our booth.

As soon as 9 o clock struck, people were already going to our booth and asking questions. They almost caught us off guard

I was ready to talk about anything involving the system and its components, the bad news was that our facial recognition was taking a bit of break so no one's faces were being recognized in uploaded images and also image uploads had a long delay because we were doing image processing first before uploading images. This wouldn't be an issue if we managed to redeploy our backend services using a new google cloud instance. So, the reason they weren't being recognized was probably because we had too many image uploads and too few instances? Or was it was something else? I don't know

But despite that everything else went fine, explaining the app was really cool and I really liked the ones who wanted to talk about the backend. Our backend has matured from simple concept art to what it is now. Let's see each version.

I couldn't find the proof of concept image but we can just go through it step by step.

Early

Another version

The final version

The back end architecture is pure micro services and I love it! Everyone loved it, it was so good I legit thought we were going to win the best architecture award. But we didn't, it went to a different team and the reason that team won was because they were able to separate technology from architecture... :(

Well that was the project, the website servers will go down in less than a week. It was nice, now I can focus on other stuff.

Last night I managed to implement an ssh honey pot and it was nice. I didn't create the whole thing from scratch, I made use of pshitt and mapped the ssh server to a different port.

However I need to ramp up my programming skills, especially if I want to get good at this hacking biz or what not. So, my days as a developer are somewhat over, definitely as a group leader.

I'm retired now haha! I feel so free and relaxed, but I can't let my guard down though

Well there's a lot more going on that I Wanted to write about today but I'm literally in a class (not really a class I'm supposed to attend but its whaevs), I'll update a different day.

Thanks for reading :D

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Recursive break condition

I was about to relapse but I thought about it... what am I doing it all for? I don't know what exactly other than I need to keep my headspace, or else it will be compromised. I don't want the same loop to repeat, I need to conquer this addiction!

Honestly its the first time I was thinking of religio

I know that this struggle is one of the steps to rehabilitation, I Must conquer it. I know its a problem because each time I get into it I get sluggish and negative! Its probably the core reason I've depression in the first place.

However I can fix it, it just needs time. Its been many years, but I should finally put an end to it. I still can't remember that one song that can help me get through this.

I am close to achieving something, I just need to think positive. Today is the last day I'll be developing for the project as in adding final touches and setting up additional servers for our new services.

I need to have fun like Bachira, I know he wouldn't just give in during moments like these.

I need a routine though, something to keep me from losing my cool so easily. Let's start brain storming some ideas. Perhaps... in a bit, a good first step is breakfast! Let me go make breakfast

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Neural Override

Yesterday we had to give a presentation of our app again and we made the suggested fixes to the platform and we went into our bag with this one, practicing and practicing.

I've lost all that enthusiasm for this project honestly, because we've been spending months and months on this dang thing, but the exhaustion really slapped me silly.

They cannot deny our progress and effort that was put in. Software engineering is just sooo draining, or was it the fact that we were doing it for school credits rather than for enjoyment? It was fun at first but I just got drained

Well... off to study

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Envious Encryption

A day or two ago, while I was on my way somewhere I bumped into with one of friends who was with his girlfriend, it was the first time I've seen her and despite that it already felt like I knew everything about her. I'm happy for the guy, they look perfect together and its obvious that he's very happy.

Seeing them together, seeing her specifically triggered something in me, I didn't realize until the next day when I saw him again when he said hi to me. He wasn't with his girlfriend but when I triedto remember what she looked like I couldn't help but think of another person I really cared about, someone who used to make me as happy. I've been feeling particularly lonely and lataely it feels everyone around me has someone except for me.

However, I thought I was okay with that, but it turns based from the jealousy I'm feeling that I still want something of my own. Envy, who would have thunk?

Envy, is a lot like encryption in the sense that it hides a lot of complex emotions, disguising itself as ambition, admiration or happiness but instead its something that slowly eating away from your vary soul. We encrypt our true feelings only for them to get decrypted by some random girl who looked like a person you knew.

Well yeah... thats it actually, I am just going to try and study or something, because I've been really letting these emotions devour my core being.

I'm really trying... at least I'm not giving into my addiction, instead I'm adeep in this game

Itchio has a lot of free random games, so that keeps me occupied for a while, well I think thats all from me. Thanks for reading, btw my project is about to end which is why you pro bably started reading but yeah.

The website, I wanted to add the Orcust system but the project doesn't seem to need any more features just bug fixes and preparing our presentation.

I did make a prototype of the Orcust system, it simply takes uploaded code and dockerizes it, it took longer than expected like 6ish hours to make a python script that properly does that. The docker library wasn't reliable at running newly created containers or images, so I made use of the commands.

I'll probably make the Orcust system a separate open source project. For quick and easy deployment of files. The way it works is that the uploaded script is suppsoed to have an endpoint open that the manager will expose and map to the host computer/server. The one issue I faced with this is that the containers would weigh about 150mb per container, so a 1000 containers would be 150gb of storage and then processing power for each container. Hosting this would be very expensive, maybe there are inexpensive options or secret ways of optimizing containers or images or perhaps docker optimizes loads of running containers. Not too sure but that was the issue. But the issue should have been an obvious flaw of using containers, I can't help but feel stupid haha maybe I should just ditch it. It won't be in the final project nor do I think anyone would be able to run this expensive library.

Well I suppose thats life, you live and you learn. Let me post the project now to github and I'll see it later.

Well yeah thats pretty much all of the update. Actually let me talk more about personal life, I've been talking with my friends more so thats something. I have a fear of being replaced, so seeing them hang out with others does break my heart a tad however thats okay because I can't always be there so it makes sense to hang with those you hand with and there's nothing really special about me anyway.

I've been listening to a lot of traumacore type music, like Mitsiki and junk before I sleep, its almost as if I want to hurt myself mentally. Told my best friend we have to talk in a couple of weeks, she said she's scared and I don't blame her, what could this be about? I just want to share myself one more time, like really share everything about me and see if she'd still want to call me her best friend. Like am I still worthy?

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Our app doesn't suck

Well it looks like our app doesn't really suck and it was just that our presentation of it wasn't really good. So, all thats' left is practicing! At the end of the project we have to become salesmen which is super exhausting when we have stuff like semester tests to look forward to.

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Ghost in the Machine

Yesterday was damn, today is even more damn! I'm so out of energy! Like completely drained, I hate this no energy version of me! Maybe I should go to the gym and get more energy but time is running out. Time, money and energy! All running out, this sucks, why does the world work like that!!!

Well oh well... I'm just going to sleep

As for my best friend, well my mind is just all over the place, so I asked her that I wanted to talk in just a couple of weeks when everything is over and done with. I just want to talk, thats all, maybe share more about myself and see if she still likes the person I really am.

So many personalities... I just want it all to stop, I want the real me to show up, this person I am now isn't the person I used to be. Sounds confusing but think about it, you have a version of you who likes to work or is basically work mode and then there's a life outside of work, I don't know what that is but lets say its life mode, I feel like I've been in work mode for a really long time. The work mode version of me is doing work and at the same time trying to be social.

I don't like that, thats not me.... I have a life! I don't make any sense but please bare with me. I've been very sad, and mostly sick all this time, like my breathing is not the best thing ever. My lungs have gone to hell thanks to last year's bronchitis. No one helped me, I tried to get help but at the end I just ended up taking too many antibiotics and now my lungs are f'd up.

I'm going on a tangent? I might be bipolar, one minute I'm feeling like a god and the next I feel like a nervous ant...

My brain... holy crap, being a programmer sucks...

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Control-Alt-Delete

Last night's breakdown was the best one yet, I've been holding in so many feelings hehe who knew I had it in me to say such things... there's just so much to do, and thats never been a problem.

But god damn, those were some really sad things that were in my mind, things I thought I'd moved on from and things I thought were okayl

I am just going to take a break from chatting to people, maybe thats getting to me. I'm just going to do my other practicals and then focus on the project, I'll try to put in some studying for security but hey we'll see how it goes.

By the end of today I should be an expert in:

Neo4j

MongoDB

Fortran

COBOL

Computer Security

From tomorrow I'll see in developing the Orcust system for the app, thats literally my last wish for the project. What's the Orcust system you ask? Well think of it as a service that allows for user submitted code to be included into the app's system, and this is accomplished through an orchestration of docker containers.

So we're taking your code, creating a docker image from it using a template and then running it as a container on its assigned port, and the running.

The orcust system is built using python and making use of docker library for this orchestration (I think management is a better word but I like the word "orchestrate") and making use of mysql for managing each container along with their assigned ports.

You'll be able to update, each version before being accepted is tested to ensure it meets the requirements which are as follows:

The running of the app shouldn't exceed the TIMEOUT of 10 seconds

Must be able to process images of different sizes

No viruses detected in images

I'll

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Another late evening

Today I'm really tired, there's so much to do and yet I'm soooo lazy, oh my goodness where do I even start... we got two maybes for our project meaning that we have to do a presentation of the app, I want to add new features that can push the app beyond its scope and enough to get us two yeses.

So a lot of bug fixes, I'm planning on applying some strategies on getting progress to move, like for instance not imposing fear of failure on my members and also giving each person their own todo list to finish.

I'm such a big idiot, screwing again today, but I'll try to get back that flow.

Another thing is that I have to learn how to do neo4j for a practical, I also have to learn Fortran and COBOL, and learn the whole of cyber security in time for a semester test... boy oh boy this sucks a lot but hey I gotta boost my productivity, let me go to sleep and see that work...

Well let me start off with a long nap

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Another morning

Alright, where do I start. Perhaps with the app I've been working on with my team. Alright, where do I start with that... think think think...

I'm the technical lead for university year long project (its actually 6 months, so I don't know why they would call it a year project) and its essentially a capstone project for my computer science degree.

My team is composed of 5 people, including myself and 4 of those members I've been in another terminal war simulator C++ project with last year and the other member I've met and teamed up with this year.

When we first decided to team up, I didn't want to be group leader again because I'm simply not a leader! Its way too much pressure having to manage people and making sure everyone is doing their work, and in hindsight I still think someone else in my group should have been a leader because I don't like these responsibilities! I'm a techie, an introvert! PICKING ME TO BE A LEADER?!?!? ARE YOU INSANE??

But nobody else wanted and I hate how everyone thought I was just playing hard to get, bro I'm simply not like that! But alas I gave in since no one bothered to step up, the only leadership quality I think I have is my refusal to fail and my clear sight to a goal. And also my ability to go beyond my limits even if detrimental to my mental health

So, what was the project that I've someone ended up as a leader for? Well, the project was an event photo sharing app and our client was a software engineer from a popular tech company in my country.

We met up with them, discussed ideas for the project, tried my best to encourage my team for the most grueling 5-6 months of their lives and got to work!

Being a project manager/leader is super hard like oh my goodness, I had to make sure there were constant meetings and that we followed scrum agile framework, it was really hard managing because getting people to do work is not one of my skill sets, I've always been a solo leveler but now I have to tell others what to do. Its hard to enforce accountability for work not done when your members are also friends.

What I wanted for my team is for them to have fun, learn something that can make them more valuable in the long run and ultimately build something they're proud of. Those are the values I tried for but its very hard if nobody listens to me and it feels like a chore to them.

My role was mostly technical leading as in most of the technical decisions were made by me, and also technical support as in if you ran into an issue come to me and I'll help or lead you to someone who can help, and I was also DevOps as in I built the whole CI/CD pipeline for our project with automatic builds, tests and deployments (I've never done this before so I had to learn and learn a lot of github actions), I was also sort of doing full stack (backend/service engineer and integration engineer and ui engineer) and also involved in training an AI model which in the end didn't work but we found a nice python solution. As you can imagine, I was having a lot on my plate? more like table and all had to be done

The team focused towards the 4 demos we had, each demo was a sort of deliverable where we had to have a certain percentage of the app requirements done. It was exhausting work, I had to work so many nights and give up weeks of holidays and recess to get it done, I started eating more and sleeping less, moving less, always on my computer, coding and designing, day in day out, sacrificing family time to make progress for the sake of the project, why? because I don't want to fail, it was no longer for sake of making the best app in the world, somewhere down the line of development it was no longer for the fun of it, it was for survival. This felt like a Herculean challenge, as if I was Sisyphus or something, it was all I could think about. I thought this project would finally be the time I enjoy myself but it ended with me having to rush to meet deadlines. Pushing myself to the very limit.

I won't lie, I was starting to feel hate inside my heart because I was burning myself out. Before the project began, one of the assistant lecturers mentioned that the projects will be tough and that it may ruin friendships, I didn't think much of it but now I'm just shook at my team. Not because deadlines weren't being met but because I was being ignored, I felt like I was being an inconvenience, like I was just taking time away from them and when the demo was getting closer and then all so suddenly they look at me like why things weren't finished. I'm sorry but we have deadlines for a reason!!! And now we have to do crunch time and I look like a bad guy.

But those feelings so mostly dissipated in our 4th demo because that was it, our supposed final demo, at least where the app is supposed to be at 100% complete. We finished all of the required features and tried adding extra, and what was the result? Well you can go and see for yourself

This is what we were presenting, the presentation went alright, better than the first 3 but I wasn't satisfied because there were some features I wanted to add but couldn't since we had to make sure the parts we did have were working. We were presenting to our lecturers, not the module lecturers but lecturers for the whole computer science degree, so we were a bit shaky.

The presentation went alright, two of my members have a dynamic, one of my engineers had a Steve Jobs like talent and the other was a quick learner and were very good at hiding their fears. The lecturers asked us questions, there's something I noticed about these questions... they were ignited by our presentation, but thats something for later. The questions were essentially based on what they taught us in the last couple of years since the degree began in first year and as final years were we able to apply what they taught us.

We were able to answer most of the questions with confidence, however one of my lecturers wasn't happy with our implementation of microservices. But other than that, it wasn't anything major, we did our best. And now we can stop working on the project.

There's a fifth demo in case our 4th demo didn't go well, meaning that we have to make improvements to the app, but we haven't got the results yet. In the mean time, we are focusing on our other modules.

Well I think I've said enough about the project. I'll write more later on what I'm going to do with this new free time because its crazy how much free time we have without this project. I am happy my team was able to push themselves, I've always wanted to be part of a development team where we all code and eat pizza together while working on the app. Discussing ideas with each member and how they should be implemented. This experience was valuable and I don't believe it would have been possible if I wasn't the group leader or with these lovable goof balls.

I do have anger issues, but the normal amount of anger, you know when your buttons get pressed so much, I was the only technical support! I felt like an overworked gateway service! Oh my goosh I was just mad. But hey, there's a good and bad to this, all you need to know I won't be doing any more group leaderly stuff hopefully and I'm not going to be involved in software development for a while and I'm retiring. Its off to cybersecurity now.

I'll let you know how the results are, but my next post will come out shortly

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The last push

Hello! Its been a while, there's a lot I've been through as you can imagine. Well, my team and I have worked our butts off to finish the app and we've finally done enough. Tomorrow is the hopefully last demo we'll have to do for the module, get a pass and move on.

I'm just so nervous, the app has grown from what it last was, there are still bugs. There's just so much, I'm barely having the strength to muster forward.

I'm tired... like I've been pulling a lot of all nighters, and now its finally the last night, what should I do? There are some features I wanted to implement before but... I'm just tired, I'm trying but...

Well... after tomorrow, we will know what my fate will be, my fate and my team's fate. This app, has been on my mind for months and months, so many standup meetings, so many commits, conflicts, pull requests, rolling back, deployments... I learned so much.

I was even in a hacking contest, it was fun. I'll talk more later, thank you for reading

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Light at the end of the tunnel

Hello! Its been a while, like a while since my last post... well I've been going through some things and I feel as though I'm at my lowest low... my mind is just all over the place and I can't seem to think straight and all. Like Damn, yeah?

I started doing bad habits again, like I'm also getting sick and might have to see a doctor too... its so bad these days, I don't seem to cope. I'm also having trouble envisioning the future. I can't put in any work for the project that most of my blogs were about.

I've seem to have lost some fire, however there are some glimpses and still want to improve and do better... I just lack the discipline to accomplish all of this. Even my brother told me that I need to be more proactive but I'm just so so down.

Things aren't all bad like I finally managed to get a facial recognition service, the first attempt was making use of AWS rekognition however our app was primarily GCP and AWS was not charging the same rate so it became too much of an expensive ordeal to keep around. Felix Yu is really good at this, he took me step by step into setting up a AWS facial recognition service and I appreciate it so much!

An alternative was to make use a of pretrained python facial recognition module, it works so perfectly with the only downside being we have to self host however we can do all that using GCP so its really cool!

Another thing is that I've been getting excited learning about history of programming languages and database systems, like I'm now super familiar with PostgreSQL thanks to Derek Banas . It was really helpful and I'm grateful for his tutorials, he's taught me so much!

Another good thing is that I've been watching my favorite youtuber's videos again, the Kubz Scouts! I'm so glad despite so many years I still love the guy! He's just so funny, watching his old videos and new videos. They make me laugh, I always watch them at night to help me sleep (not to say his videos make me sleep! He's just my nightly bed time story you know)

I've been keeping consistent grades so far, I'm still waiting for one of my semester test results. But I'm happy with learning so much, but what of the bads I've been facing is the future. Yeah I know cybersecurity is there but I don't feel like I got the skills that pay the bills. Like I'm having trouble envisioning the future 2 months from now

But yeah.... I honestly don't know, I want to be more disciplined and probably eat better yeah? How do I even start with that, the goal just seems so far and distant. My self image (in terms of being a software engineer or computer science proficient person?) seems to have improved, I feel like I have the skills to do anything in software engineering but cybersecurity feels like its going to be a challenge.

Well there's a hackathon in a couple of weeks, I'll see if I join it or not. It requires me to know a lot of stuff like Kali Linux and offensive and defensive hacking, its also a capture the flag type thing and my only exposure of that was watching Mr Robot. But I'll see if I really want to improve on that or not.

Alright, thank you for reading! I have to finish a practical before demoing it in a couple of hours! Yes I shouold have finished it earlier but hey! I was busy kinda bye bye!!

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Progress report

It took a while to get to this point but we've finally done it. An image recognition service

I wrote a whole blog and it disappeared... what??????