#it really does start at 30
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So, I started university right before the pandemic hit, and demolished all my (barely existent) plans. I'm already almost 23 and more than halfway through a major I picked kind of on a whim based on what I thought I was good at, and tbh I still hate it. And I have no idea what career it would even lead to. I want to get more into music production or maybe even being an artist or something like that, but it's overwhelming and difficult at the same time... I think I love music, I love listening to it, and growing up I loved the energy of performing in bands and choirs and stuff more than anything, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm good at it, and I'm not a computer or instrument expert either... I feel so lacking in pretty much all of the various talents/skills... I know practice makes better, but it's so hard to persist when you feel so far behind, and it's hard not to feel discouraged completely when there's always someone newer, younger, and already so much better...
Babe, you are 22. You have.. SO much life ahead of you.
I know that doesn’t seem like anything to go off of right now, but I cannot express enough how excited I am for you because 22 is a wonderful age to start things. You have time to mess up, time to figure things out, time to really try a bunch of shit and get a grasp on what direction you wanna go for.
Don’t let society or other people tell you you’re too old to start something or too late to try something else. Who cares if there are people younger and better than you at something? Who cares if you don’t have a skill set right now? That’s gonna happen. As soon as you recognize that as a fact instead of a barrier for you to overcome, your mindset is gonna shift to “okay, what can i personally do to improve and get better? what do i myself need to do to get where i wanna be?”
Honestly.. this ask feels like something younger me is writing. Because I compared myself to countless people when I was in my early twenties and lmfaoooooo you know what? That dark place of “thinking I wasn’t gonna do great so why try” has only left me with regrets. You have a choice to make and if you really want what you want, go for it and don’t stop.
If I had actually took music production seriously and kept making shitty beats on FL Studio in my dorm room and didn’t give a shit about people telling me it’s not worth it to pursue? Who knows, I could’ve had a studio by now. I could’ve been on the Big Hit production team. I could’ve been working with Metro Boomin or any world-class producers.
Do those goals seem hilarious? Yes. But they also probably could’ve come true if I worked hard enough. But I’ll never know. Because I didn’t keep going when I did. Because I hit that wall of seeing how much I didn’t know about music and production and everything that goes into it, and I got discouraged and dropped it to focus on other things that were safer, more likely to keep me afloat. Don’t be like me if this is something you really do want.
We can do this together, really. Because I’m going for shit now too because that passion itself hasn’t gone away. I am asking people for advice when I need it. I’m networking with musicians and producers and mixing engineers and managers. I’m figuring out what I need to do and where I need to look for educational pieces and putting in the work that I was too discouraged to put in before. All while trying to tell myself it’s okay that I’m where I am at 30. Do this with me. It’s only gonna help you.
Bottom line: if you wanna do something, do it. So what if people are better than you? So what if you don’t have the skills or knowledge right now? Stay disciplined and do the work. Don’t half ass it and don’t think it’s gonna be something you do on the side. Treat it like it’s your life, and practice the hell out of whatever it is. If you end up thinking “this isn’t what I want,” then at least you know for sure and you can pick something else up. But if you keep that passion, hard work and effort will bring you great things.
And you’re gonna look back at this ten years from now and laugh because you’ll realize 22 isn’t far into life at all.
#anon#*advice#apologies if this was so long#i just have a lot to say about this stuff#life doesn’t end at 25#it really does start at 30#and this is coming from someone#that was sure they weren’t gonna amount to anything at all#mailbox💌
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OC I MADE IN 0.5 SECONDS he's called Wildcard and he's a trivia bot who got a little bit conscious and "broken" technically and is sent by the watchers with the rest of the bots to quiz everyone. He's a bit mischievous and asks players really hard and impossible to answer questions on purpose, sometimes lying to them if they do get the answer right somehow. The only way to avoid this guy screwing you over is if you provide actual evidence behind a your answer and then he accepts and floats away all sad. Ant with bindle style.
#literally went from “these guys are fun and cute” to “HERE'S MY OC WITH FULL BACKSTORY” in literally 15 minutes looking back at my rambles#he's like a son to me. in a way.#also really starting to question if I'm fixated on hermitcraft and the life series#i dont think normal people start to tear up seeing their favourite 30 year olds play minecraft and seeing a little robot say#“i love you !! yayyy !!” WHY DOES IT GET ME LIKE THIS#anyways have at you. this thing. might properly draw him later who knows !!#life series#wildlife smp#wild life smp#trivia bot#triviabot#trafficblr#traffic smp#traffic series#traffic life#mcyt#mcytblr#mcytumblr#mcyt fanart#trivia bot oc#wildcard the trivia bot#wild life spoilers#quiz master#quizmaster#quizmaster wild life#quiz master wild life
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Singing battle glmv core
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Will the pearly gates open their arms to welcome me or will they basketball dunk me down to hell
#I don’t know how much crack cocaine I needed to do this#(I have never touched illicit drugs in my life)#((What does illicit mean))#Chat we need to start using the underrated eyes not the fuck boy eyes in gacha (you know the ones) fr#Mariquita vs fresita singing battle#(Mariquita como marica. No el insecto. Odio los insectos ghhhh.)#(Y fresita como fresa. Saben. Ehh los ricos y eso. Pero era término para mujer. Así que. (Nunca más me dejen explicar 😭))#Actually wait#Oh wait just checked this can be day 30 for fugonara month… I didn’t realize… *rubs hands evilly*#I mean… it’s not really ship-y but#Nah I’m not tagging it as that this isn’t rlly fugonara it’s just them being dumbasses#narancia ghirga#pannacotta fugo#guido mista#Jjba#jojos bizarre adventure#shitpost#Meme#< possibly idk#Btw mista s saying that bc there’s no revolver in gacha. Thresher out.#Gacha Life
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Crazy issues that come up when a character is written a little too well
#yay story time comic nobody asked for#funnily enough i will NEVER play undertale on the computer because of this#my first exposure to undertale was jacksepticeye and i am glad i didn't opt to play the game myself at the time#flowey closing the game and then the broken start up cutscene was bad enough just WATCHING it#and i STILL have to watch that chara thing at the end with a far distance from my screen and the volume down#not because of the scary face but because of the violin noise that sounds like its a repeating tone rather than a loop#and then of course the window hopping around#am also very glad i was spoiled about the spamton mercy win before i tried it myself#am slightly worried about future deltarune chapters but at least now i'm anticipating it#anyway remember when i tagged that one post ''i'm scared of computers and it's a monkey's fault''#now you know :3#i really wanted this done on thursday#and apparently dawn's brain says friday doesn't happen until after i fall asleep#so now i am awake and it is 4:30 and i hear birds chirping so nighty night#((or good morning))#yay comic :D i was right this did help a lot with getting some program familiarity#it's not the greatest paneling in the world but it's good for now#idk if i should really tag him or not#but uh#spamton#deltarune#spamton enjoyers i am so sorry#i am terrified of him only because he does his job in the story very well
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#OMG i kept forgetting to post this after i'd drawn it#no backgrounds we in the void#to h&m fans: i prommy im working on h&m ive just also been roped back into cof and im the planner for it#to cofheads: i prommy im working on cof ive just also got a full time job#'budget' is a metaphor for my time and energy ahaha#man it was really fun to draw askravenpaw and also miss maple after all this time#speaking of miss maple. to cofheads: me and my wife are not the same person. my wife does not run all of cof dhjdghkd (i do)#ppl keep saying any hiatuses must mean he's busy im right here#ANYWAYS. the character tags#sorry im super tired because i barely slept last night because its randomly started being 30 C in winter (85 F or smth idk google it)#hawkfrost#mudclaw#frederick di luna#mustard#intermission#warrior cats#ask blog#post#i only realised after posting this theres no filters as well as no background. i was procrastinating & wanted to make sure i got it out LMA#*lmao
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I Feel TFOne Could've Handled This Better...
Hot take but I feel like folks have been really generous with the take that OP was unable to find ~the perfect words~ in the heat of the moment (and thus should be given some grace) when he told D to stand down and "not be like Sentinel"... namely cuz I don't feel that the narrative supports this?
Like-- after all is said and done, OP doesn't reflect on that part of their split. He doesn't have a moment where he seeks validation or voices his regrets over the choice of his words, it's actually cut-and-dry. The narrative (as it stands) supports that OP saw D-16 acting up, so he called him out and stood on business, down to the last scenes where he's basically like "yeah it's a shame but y'all knew I had to do it to 'em."
It didn't have to be much! I'm not saying to absolve Megs, just show OP looking at things from a different perspective/contemplating a bit on that tough choice and the morality of the moment. Some examples of what I wish we had:
B-127 straight up blurting the obvious by later chatting with Orion like, "Wait so you told your best friend that he was acting just as bad as the guy who enslaved us for our entire lives and was torturing him like an hour ago? Oof. Seems kinda harsh." Then have some of OP's regret show on his face.
OP asking Elita-1 after Megs is banished if he did the right thing. Have Elita back his choice up, saying, "You should have seen what he did after you were... gone. It was terrifying. I know it was tough, but you made the right call." OP is grateful for the support, but a conflicted look still flashes across his face before he steels himself to look out towards the horizon... and the future.
Have OP walk past other mechs/former miners who didn't go with the High Guard saying stuff like, "Wish I could've given Sentinel a piece of my mind!" "Yeah, but I'm glad he's gone for good." "Ugh I miss everything." "Oh, it was crazy! Megatron picked him up and then he rrrrriiipped-- oops, hey there, Mr. Optimus... Prime... sir?" And have OP wave hello, looking a bit sick when they leave.
Post-credits scene with Starscream going on and on, asking Megs when they'll be back to teach the upstart Prime a lesson. Megs grabs his face to shut him up. "Patience, Starscream. The Prime thinks I'm no better than Sentinel... but I'll show him. He wants Iacon? He can have it. In the meantime we'll take the rest of the planet! Then I'll come back, crush Prime under my heel, and we'll take Iacon too. Sentinel's reign will barely be a footnote, because I'm about to become Optimus Prime's worst nightmare." The vocal performance would really need to sell this-- like picture Megs saying something like that from a place of anger and hurt, not so much a place of genuine evil or malice.
Basically instead of Orion's assertion being backed up as black and white/good vs bad, I wish we had some different opinions/reactions from the characters sprinkled in there. Like you can't tell me out of allllll the miners who weren't strong enough/willing to go with the High Guard and ended up sticking around that NONE of them were like "eyyo honestly?? Kiiiiinda glad Sentinel is dead. Wish I could have helped, tbh." like come onnnnn...
And you can't even argue that he's not an active threat-- I don't think everyone would see things that way! It's not just about the threat he physically has, but the threat he represents and is very likely to act upon if given the opportunity! He has a proven track record of not only being sneaky and conniving, but also capable of dealing some serious damage/killing people bigger and stronger than him, plus he has the backing of the Quints. All he'd need to do is wriggle his way out of jail and run off to his sponsors, then he'd probably be back to hurt more people! (If the Quints didn't just kill him out of incompetence lmao). There's a lot of "ifs" here, but I think it's a valid argument that not everyone would agree on what is the right or wrong way to handle Sentinel once he was down long enough to, like, do something about him.
I feel the situation needed a bit of nuance. In some way I wish they had kicked the can and had D and Orion bicker while Sentinel escaped, then have D get frustrated enough by the loss of Sentinel to point fingers (and his fusion canon) at Orion, who then falls and becomes OP. (Megs could still show some of thar emotion/remorse right after he does it too.) Not only would this open the door for a sequel, but tbh the Quint might have just killed Sentinel anyways and sought to deal with the miners uprising themselves lol. (Maybe that could have been an after credits scenes too instead of the B-127 bit??)
Would love to see a moment in a sequel where they have a calmer moment after arguing for a bit. Have OP mention how Megs was out of line, that it hurt and even scared him to see him act that way, and Megs can quietly point out "you said I was as bad as Sentinel... is that really how you see me? After everything we went through?"
Then OP can fumble the bag again lmao like "D, I... I'm sorry, that didn't come out right... but you still took things way too far..."
"Why am I not surprised-- your opinion is what matters the most! Maybe that's why you became a Prime, since you're so good at acting like the world revolves around you--!"
*gets interrupted by someone else before another yelling match ensues*
#rambling#transformers one#tf one#tfo#i'll be honest a lot of this stems from how rushed i felt the last like... 3rd of the movie feels#i feel Optimus is so dismissive of Megs!! like basically the whole movie but ESPECIALLY after coming back to life as a Prime???#your best friend is Going Through It. clearing having an Emotional Breakdown.#He drops you. In the moment it mattered most he chose violence... but notice what he says right before that?#Megs says ''I'm done saving you''#Like??? y'all don't wanna delve into that a little more?????#i half expected Optimus to pop up and be like ''excuse me. i wasn't done talking. what Did You Mean By That??''#instead he comes up and IMMEDIATELY has already written off this entire relationship as well.#Megs dropped him. it was a aplit second decision. we see in the movie D leaning into these bad impulses.#Orion is supposed to mature gradually so he's more level-headed by the end. why does that equate to abandoning the friendship??#why does he suddenly wanna drop Megs too? wouldn't this be the time for ''please listen to me'' part 2?#''it doesn't matter who has the matrix. we can make a change for the better! please listen to me'' etc#also minor nitpick but lmao why was OP Talking Like That after becoming Prime?#like he goes from ''haha hey guys hows it goin'' to ''You have used your gifts for Evil and Betrayed the entire planet''#babes what. Cybertron?? we went on a 2 day road trip on foot the fuck you know about Cybertron.#like betrayed Iacon maybe but idk maybe the guys in Tarn would be cool with Megs you dont know! lmao!#if my friend and I had beef and they started talking to me like the queen of england i would literally ask where they got their soapbox.#ohhhh you think you're morally superior? stop speaking for the whole planet lmao!! already named prime and letting it go to his head!!#strange dieties lying in the core of the planet distributing magic baubles that bring you back to life#is no basis for picking a planetary leader#this has been Orion Was Right: The Movie#when i wish there was a bit more.#maybe another 20-30 min would have helped me idk hhhhh#but Megs turn felt sooooo fast... then things just kept escalating from there.#''some transformations are permanent'' sir it's been like 48 hours since y'all learned you lives were a lie.#you *really* don't think Megs could ever cool down and apologize/change his mind?? you too??? tf???
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Did christian linke actually do anything wrong beyond saying he didn’t see jayvik as romantic or are you guys just losing your shit over a difference of opinion?
#dex rants#genuinely I can’t tell cause you guys are acting like he shot someone’s dog#seriously yall are saying his name like a curse or smthing#unless he actually did something wrong you gotta fuckin calm down#people are gonna disagree with you especially on something like this so what#unless he’s harassing people I don’t see the issue#however it seems like a lot of you guys are starting to harass people instead#I must ask is it really appropriate to turn someone into the enemy over something so harmless?#people view character relationships different all the time due in part to opinion and personal experience#personally I’m jayvik crazy I think of them as painfully annoyingly and frustratingly gay for each other however my friend sees them as an-#extension of his close friendships and how he’d go that far without any romance holding him to it#this doesn’t hurt me nor does it hurt him for feeling that way#but it does hurt to harass someone incessantly and twist words into daggers#you need to learn to move on#take a nice deep breath and say ‘we disagree’ and instead focus on enjoying yourself with the people who agree#christian linke#arcane#arcane spoilers#every year that passes I realize people are so quick to anger#often times they make themselves the most upset with their own feelings#it’s kinda frustrating liking popular mlm ships because so often people resort to arguing over actually enjoying themselves#jayvik I’m so sorry they’re doing this to you#and before you say ‘well what if you held this opinion on [serious matter]???’ we’re not talking about anything else we’re just talking-#about shipping okay?#different situations have different nuance#anyways I’m gonna go make a jayvik playlist and kick n my feet and giggle looking at these fuckin 30 year old men /gen
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I do believe I am fully fucked for the next like 4-6 years because even if someone does find me attractive in any way (which is, quite frankly, crazy enough already) there's a 99% chance it'd be under Girl Standards and just thinking about it makes me want to throw up I'm not even kidding it's disgusting
#diary#emeto#like I'll probably be a kissless virgin up til my 30s at LEAST#and by then my romantic experience will be so disparaged from everyone else I just don't think it'd be worth it for anyone#to defeat my 7000 evil complexes and get some lame guy that does fuckall in return#ykwim... so I really should start getting comfortable with the fact I'm gonna die alone but man is it hard to achieve
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Day 12-17
WIP Below:
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#Still figuring out how to draw her in my style but feeling a bit better about this approach#Also yay I think I figured out how I might do her eyes#I rendered them to be more like glass as a test but it was over rendered for the cell shading jkenrjkrhn#And while that might be fun to do for a specific piece someday it will def not be her normal rendering#As is she does not work with my higher rendered style in general#Which is okay because I don't think I'm going that direction for Kingdoms#But it DOES really put a hard limit on me jkehnjkerhn#Which I probably need since if I zone out I just start rendering for 4 hours#Kingdoms#Day 12#46 Minutes#Day 13#40 Minutes#Day 14#38 Minutes#Day 15#48 Minutes#Day 16#30 Minutes#Day 17#2 Hours 38 Minutes#Total: 6 Hours
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is anyone still in the mood for a hypmic imagines blog these days lol
#mod rambles#giant ramble incoming ->#the tag seems so..#dead. which makes me sad :(#it’s looking pretty grim for us yumes out there ngl#do the people still yearn for self indulgent romance with their oshis. lol#i am still very much a yume freak. perhaps more so lately. but i never do talk about my own yume ships loll#plus the yume community does not seem.. very pleasant. to say the least#i do kinda want to come back and write here#but not on this account. i’d make a new one#i kinda want to start all over tbh. like a fresh slate#plus it'd kinda force me to try and get back into the groove of writing bc i feel like i've forgotten each and every rule lol#also it's important to have a creative outlet!! even if i most likely do not have the time for one lmao#i do want to provide for the h.ypmic yume community on here though. plus i love to write#even though i'm not caught up on the drama tracks..#idk if i'm emotionally ready for them#yes i did see this is the final drb. i got the news while studying for my final the very next day so suffice to say i was not doing well lo#idk if I’d share the new blog though. but i feel like it’d be p obvious if were me? lol#but i also wouldn’t have the time to write or post so idk.#i have time rn bc I’m on break but#when school starts back up again I’m gonna be packed. esp since I’ll be starting neuro so that’s gonna take all my brain activity (ha)#also will be starting research back up again so that’s a pain#plus. truth be told this year hasn’t been particularly kind to me#i haven’t really been in the mood to write or share it bc of what’s been going on back home#my people are always on my mind all the time#esp my village#🇱🇧❤️#been doing a lot of rambling lately but not a lot of writing. hm#all this to say: i might be coming back but prob with a new blog. lol#i write a lot just to get to the bare basic point (hence the 30 tags)
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There are 60 million people in Britain. There are 200 million in America. (Can that be right?) How many millions of English-speakers other nations might add to the total I cannot even guess. I would be willing to bet, though, that in all those hundreds of millions not more than 50, at the outside, have read A. Roemer, Aristarchs Athetesen in der Homerkritik (Leipzig, 1912), a work untranslated from its native German and destined to remain so till the end of time. I joined the tiny band in 1985. I was 23. The first sentence of this little-known work runs as follows: Es ist wirklich Brach- und Neufeld, welches der Verfasser mit der Bearbeitung dieses Themas betreten und durchpflügt hat, so sonderbar auch diese Behauptung im ersten Augenblick klingen mag. I had taught myself German out of Teach Yourself German, and I recognised several words in this sentence at once: It is truly something and something which the something with the something of this something has something and something, so something also this something might something at first something. I deciphered the rest of the sentence by looking up the words Brachfeld, Neufeld, Verfasser, Bearbeitung, Themas, betreten, durchpflügt, sonderbar, Behauptung, Augenblick, and klingen in Langenscheidt's German-English dictionary.
The Last Samurai by Helen DeWitt, i, 1, p 17
#this is the first page of the first chapter. so not counting the prologue or the epigraphs#the start of the 'action' if you will#she goes on to translate the first 30 pages in this painstaking fashion (not for us. she just summarizes it for us don't worry)#at which point she figures out what his argument is#but it's such a patently stupid argument she thinks that can't possibly be right and reads the next 50 pages#at a faster rate because she's getting better at it#and no. he really is saying that stupid thing. so she drops out of grad school lol#my posts#the last samurai#apologies if there are any typos in the german i do not speak german. or even read the small percentage that the narrator does#helen dewitt is so fucking funny but it's impossible to excerpt any of her humor because it's all so dependent on#things that came much earlier (or later)#so every page i'm going oh my god that's good but i know i can't show anybody because it would lose something out of context#but since this is the first page i felt i could quote it. because there isn't actually much context at all at this point in the book#not sure how many other people will go wow this is hilarious but if you do: this book may be for you
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MacGyver (2016) s2e21 Wind + Water | Cold Open
#macgyver 2016#macgyver#cold opens#video#angus macgyver#riley davis#2x21#2x21 wind + water#mac#riley#queue#fun fact this is the first one ive actually edited since the beginning scene is just so damn dark#and it ended up still being too dark but. hey this is probably as good as its gonna get#trust me I wish my editing skills were better too#ok anyways. this cold open ranks super high for me. I just adore it#the way mac's face screws up as he tells riley he needs her to start complaining. like it pains him to admit hjGDSJHDS it kills me#also A++ to riley for her jack impression. spot on#also her going “oh thats gross” everytime she touches the knobs to the burners? love that detail#anyone who's ever worked in a kitchen knows Exactly how nasty those get#especially in a diner like that#also. the getting trapped in a freezer? and them being in there for likely 10+ mins (if not the full 30 waiting for exfil) I can't imagine#how excruciating that would be. it's a challenge to go over 5 minutes in one without a coat/gloves (for me at least. and I live in a pretty#chilly place so I'd definitely say I'm used to the cold)#and theyre wearing nothing that would insulate them from the cold#this is all a long winded way of saying there's so much whump potential here DSJFDJHNDS#also I must mention mac's sad little#“I really need a vacation🥺”#and then not only does he not get one. hes held hostage and then kidnapped by bank robbers.
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#I'm sorry I'm behind on asks I feel like it never fucking ends#can't talk to family about it. they worry too much. cant talk to friends about it. they just start giving unwarranted (well meaning) advice#and plus they basically live with me atp with how often they're over helping me fuck do I do?? bother them more??#dude it's embaressing even if it's not chronic shit it's just unlucky shit like how u gonna have an allergic reaction & then seizure same d#idk about therapy therapists scare me. it's not a therapy issue though I'm just tired and in pain all the fucking time#one more person says “same omg” or “well have you tried-” i will start cutting peoples throat and eating their livers#you do NOT know what it's like having to write your own will before 30 like this shit aint right shit aint fair#makes me petty and shit too people who are healthy like can you just fucking suffer why do you get that freedom but not me#it just never ends#like I really fucking hate it when people say “oh you have so much to live for” because no I don't#Not so sound like a right winger gosh dang god fearer but like deadass people focus so heavily on “mental health!!” they don't#realize even if you feel better and get therapy or shit that's not gonna be realistically helpful for anything physical going on in sm#it's a cycle even if you manage 1 thing - the medications cause a 2nd thing#and that's alongside all the OTHER things you take medications for which cause all those other things#it's like multiplying and makes your body slowly deplete but like never quite die. like I know realistically I can just die anyday#and yeah it is getting worse but it's no different because it's not about that#when you're sick it's not just “OMG DYING!!!” it's like. everything else in your life dies.#you can't cook for yourself. you can't clean. you can't move. you can't hang out with people anymore. you can barely work LMFAO.#I'm REALLY close to quitting it's not even funny lmao. cant put clothes on without struggling.#do people not know it's. physically impossible. to even eat sometimes. just vomit it all up or seize.#yeah it does make me petty#rant
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[steeples fingers in front of my face] do I. work on art. or do I work on fixing my sleep schedule.
#these are unfortunately pretty much mutually exclusive#it's already 10:30 if I start drawing now and hit a groove then inevitably that's what I'm doing instead of sleeping#if I try to go to bed earlier it will involve a Sleep Aid which does not ALWAYS preclude artmaking--#but very often is A Hindrance#on the one hand I finally have a really good christmas card idea and it'd be neat to AT LEAST have em out by the end of the month...#on the other hand last night I went to bed at like. dawn. and then didn't even fall asleep right away#cause I've been having ✨an emotionally tumultuous december✨#for ✨no actual real reason✨#wehh.... wehhhhh#about me
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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you know im about ready to write an educational post for dragon age fans explaining the difference between keyword search and tagging and also how rude it is to get snotty with strangers who are just idly talking about their own personal opinions bc it is consistently This Fandom where total strangers see posts of mine that are clearly just me talking to myself and decide to get on my case
#i responded politely to the person im complaining about but then i was like yknow what that actually annoyed me.#i think if im liveblogging something and feel mildly irritated about information not getting addressed right then#then essentially telling me 'umm actually it's all RIGHT THERE REALLY EARLY ON youre just STUPID'#A. does not sufficiently make your case#B. is just kind of you being an asshole#the stuff they told me about is like over an hour and a half into this video and i was bitching about something that comes up like#less than an hour in iirc#bc i found the fact that the characters just kind of don't question it much really weird and jarring#at least it was just mild snittiness and not the insane harrassment i got as a teenager for saying i didnt like adoribull#right when they introduced keyword search#my god the hellfire from 30 year old women#anyway protip: if someone has not specifically used a fandom tag on their post and it seems like kind of a throwaway comment#they probably do not want to hear from you#i hate when people use keyword search and then start talking At me about shit like im stupid no matter the topic and it happens too often
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