#I’ve been engaging more with many of my interests but I’ve been so stressed all semester and it’s catching up to me

[good-night-space-kid]

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[seakicker]

I’ve been writing for about ten years privately and publicly and across multiple different websites, fandoms, and eras of favorite characters. I first started writing fanfiction physically in notebooks I stashed under my bed since I didn’t own my own laptop until I was 18, lol. I had originally started writing as a means to cope with feeling like The Ugly Kid because I never had a serious relationship in my pre-teen and teenage years. I was always on the chubby side and, given fanfiction’s tendency to depict readers as extremely thin and physically much smaller than the character in question, I sought to make my own stuff that would, hopefully, alleviate some insecurities and give a place to people who felt similarly to me as a kid. Well, I also started writing because I was horny and hormonal and just wanted to fuck pixels, but that much goes without saying. 

I don’t think writing has much of a place in my current life for a variety of reasons and, despite what I said the other day, I don’t see it being a part of my future and I’m okay with that! It’s a hobby that has served me very, very well for nearly ten years (roughly half of my life now since I’m 22)— I’ve learned to like myself so much more than I ever thought I would have as a teenager, I’ve opened myself up to different ways to express myself and my sexuality, I’ve met a lot of really cool people, and I think I’ve been able to help other people out quite a bit, too. I always worry about coming off as overly pretentious or self-righteous when I talk about helping people through the power of porn fanfiction, but when I’ve received so many messages over the years about how I’ve helped other plus size people learn to feel a little more secure or how I’ve helped people feel less guilty about masturbating and enjoying sex, I think it’s a fair statement to make. I’ve had tons and tons and tons of good times as a writer, but I think reading these messages about helping other people are absolutely my favorite times to look back on. It makes me feel really good. 

I’m in a completely different stage of my life now compared to when I first started writing and I don’t think the hobby appeals to me much anymore. I do think the tumblr game of notes and numbers and interactions has stressed me out some, but it’s by no means my main motivation to hang up my hat and move on to a new era of my life. I don’t care about getting a bazillion notes or a million followers, I just like to be a slut online and help other people feel good about themselves in the process, but any person who makes content will be the first to tell you that it does hurt at least a little when you make something you’re insanely proud of and it gets an amount of likes/reblogs/kudos/comments/etc you find disproportionate to your follower count or subscriber count. Nevertheless, I try not to focus on numbers too much and, while I’m somewhat successful at that, I and many other writers and artists do feel that tumblr has a major problem with interaction, reblogs vs likes, and engagement and tumblr staff’s own decisions to introduce things like community labels certainly don’t help. 

As I said, numbers are not my main inspiration to quit. I’ve experienced near endless burnout since about January of this year where none of my ideas feel unique and original, none of them excite me, and nearly all of them make me worry that other people won’t enjoy them. It’s hard to want to write when you don’t feel like you’re making anything good, and, as I’m sure you all have noticed, I’ve taken a lot of breaks this year to hopefully get myself back in the swing of things, but I never return feeling refreshed and excited by new ideas, so that was the biggest indication to me that I’ve simply grown out of another hobby and I’m a changing person with changing interests and desires, and that’s okay! I’m emerging into a new stage of adulthood after graduating college and beginning to move out of my parents’ house, and so a shift in my hobbies and likes is to be expected. I had a conversation with another writing friend of mine who gave up writing publicly about six months ago, and my feelings sounded a lot like his, so that also suggested to me that I’m just ready to be done. 

I’m infinitely thankful to everyone who’s ever been a part of my writing journey, whether you reblogged a fic once or were a regular emoji anon who stopped in frequently. I really cherish the memories I’ve made and I was always insanely excited to see people claim new emojis, see regulars in my inbox talking to me, and read nice comments and messages. When I say that writing has been a pivotal part of my life for a decade now, I mean that in so many ways, especially in the way that it has brought so many cool and nice people to me. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve said and done things that hurt other people, and I’m grateful for the forgiveness and reconciliation others have given me just as I am thankful for all the people who have supported me throughout my online presence. 

I do feel guilty about leaving, but you guys deserve a proper goodbye instead of me putting my blog on hiatus again and just leaving it there to sit. I’d like to formally leave instead of just going dormant or disappearing, and this is that formal departure. I’ve had thoughts of quitting in the past, but those were when I was already feeling upset with other things in my life so I knew they weren’t real, but I’ve been thinking about this consistently for about four months now in clear mindsets and headspaces so I know it’s a little more real. I put myself on hiatus this last month to really think about it and, while it’s natural to go back and forth on such a decision and try to talk myself out of it, I really am ready and I don’t feel like I need to convince myself to stay when I’m not happy with my content. I owe you guys regularity and consistency, and I’ve failed to be a consistent writer or poster these past few months or so, and I’m sorry for that. I’ve talked about it a lot with my boyfriend and my close friends, and I feel it’s best for me to move on now and try some new things! I’m excited for this next stage of my life as I seek out a new career, look to move in with my boyfriend and get out of my parents’ place, and maybe get engaged too ☺️ 

My tumblr and AO3 will remain up with the same usernames and whatnot. I can’t even thank you guys enough for everything you’ve given me in the past years. I’m happy to call you guys friends and the “parasocial BAD!!!!!” debate that pops up in fandom circles needs to stfu because building a friendship with your audience and allowing yourself to be human with human feelings instead of some blank figure behind a screen is literally normal, lol. When people say nice things to you, it’s normal for it to feel good. When people say rude things to you, it’s normal for it to feel bad. 

Thank you for 10 years of love and thank you for reading! 

💛💛 Juju

ps think of me whenever you see pregnancy

[stuckinapril]

Hi!! You mentioned in a post with a summary of what you’ve achieved in 2023 that you expanded your friend circle by making more friends. How did you do that? 🥲 I’m working and although my colleagues are nice, I keep them at arm’s length and most of my friends from school and college are in different parts of the country. I’ve always been introverted with a small circle of friends so loneliness hits me hard sometimes

thank you!!

Speaking as someone who was on both extremes of the spectrum (having no friends and lots of friends)—it’s genuinely about putting yourself out there. The moment I stopped thinking it was hard to make friends, making friends became so much easier to do. Aside from my uni friends, I’ve made friends in so many other places. Once I was studying at the library and a girl approached me. We exchanged numbers and are getting coffee soon. Made friends w the barista at my favorite boba place. Made friends w the girl who does my eyebrows (she’s my age and is also a stem major). I’ve made friends through other friends. It really is that easy if you’re okay w the possibility of rejection, and don’t allow your ego to stop you from approaching people in the appropriate context.

There will be bad eggs. That is completely natural. We move on. There is an infinite number of opportunities to make other friends. Internalizing this has saved me so much unnecessary stress.

Join a book club. Volunteer for a cause you’re passionate about. Join a class at your gym. These are all such easy ways to make friends, bc you already know you have at least one interest in common w the people present. Better yet!! You also get something from it, bc even if you don’t socialize that well, at least you’re working out or volunteering or engaging in an activity you’re passionate about. It’s a win-win. Just don’t operate from a place of “I NEED to make friends here or else it’s a failure,” bc you’ll end up taking things too seriously and not enjoying yourself. Enjoying yourself is the whole point. There are 8 billion people on this planet. Rest easy knowing friends are guaranteed if you’re willing to look for them, however long it may take.

Also!! An important thing I learned is it’s okay to compartmentalize friends. I have friends I pretty much exclusively party w, friends I only work out w, friends I only go on study dates w… and then I also have a core unit of close friends who go beyond just being friends for enjoyment. It’s fine if you don’t immediately make friends who are essentially your friends for life. That’s extremely rare, so just be patient. Don’t write off people you don’t have this cerebral connection with. Maybe I’m going against the grain here, but I think casual friendships serve a purpose in our lives too. Don’t force connection trying to break past the superficial stages of a friendship—deep bonds like this only form organically. Just relax, put yourself out there, and have fun doing it <3

[freeuselandonorris]

Honestly F1 Twitter gives me psychic damage. I don’t even follow any related accounts but because I look at the actual F1 account, the algorithm pushes fan accounts and after race weekends it’s all I see. I’ve noticed it impacts how I feel about drivers/teams. Not in the sense that the actual content changes my option but more the way stan twitter talks about them can be so annoying that it spills over to the driver?? Esp re RedBull lol

(in reference to this post)

honestly i have a begrudging respect for anyone who’s still managing to deal with twitter at all bc it looks like a fucking cesspool to me lmao. i used to use it loads but i deleted it in like 2016 and my mental health like immediately and measurably improved. and that was pre-elon!

anyway. yeah. the toxic fan culture around pretty much all drivers has negatively impacted how i feel about them at times, including some favourites/former favourites. that’s partly why i keep my following list on here so tight, because i’ve been stung in the past by ending up hating or feeling stressed by the pointlessly negative or antagonistic or just plain fuckin nuts way some people choose to engage with what’s meant to be a fun (or at least like, entertaining) hobby. idk maybe some people love the drama but i certainly don’t 🤷

the officials thing is so interesting bc yeah - ofc you want the officials overseeing things to be independent and unbiased as far as they can (and god knows the FIA have failed miserably on this count many, many, many times) but where exactly are they meant to get these independent and unbiased experts in an incredibly technical and niche area from if not…the area itself? i do think brundle (i think? maybe it was crofty) made an interesting point yesterday that F1 is one of vanishingly few professional sports where there isn’t a professional referee/umpire figure who belongs to a governing body (i’m heavily paraphrasing from memory here so apologies for any inaccuracy about how FIA stewards are certified lmao). obviously the whole area of stewarding and the rule book with something as technical as F1 is a fucking bottomless can of worms anyway and i’m def not one of these “bin the rule book and let them fight it out like REAL MEN USED TO” purists but yeah. the problem seems largely intractable bc like you say, you’re never gonna please everyone and the pundits have to find something to chat about! i just wish people online wouldn’t get so fucking aggro about it 🫠

[burberrycanary]

Hi there! I am about midway through reading your story Lost Vocabularies and it is amazing!! The whole series has been so lovely, I’m obsessed with the way you write! The way that you convey the boys complicated emotions and capture all the little nuances of their dynamic has me feral!! Beyond even them the way you inject so much personality into the locations is so good, I feel like I am there!! So thank you for writing this lovely story 💕 I was wondering if you happen to have a list of all the books that Bucky and Steve read? I have been looking up a lot of them and adding them to my to read list bc they sound so interesting lol! On that same note, how did you decide what books to mention? Are they all ones that you have read or did you do research to find ones you thought they would like?

I’ve been coming back and rereading this kind and wonderful comment in my inbox over the last few weeks when way too many massive, stressful, time-sensitive things were all happening at once. 💕 But since I have a little breather between crazy periods, I get to dive in here as a treat.

Lost Vocabularies involved a lot of research, which I hope isn’t apparent because I didn’t want there to be any noticeable difference between the parts of the story that are based on places I’d been, foods I’d tried and books I’d read personally—and what was created purely based on research. Fingers crossed that the seams don't show!

In this series, we see both Steve and Bucky use art to process—helping them understand themselves and connect to the world again. Bucky is drawn to stories while Steve as an artist is much more visual, but the underlying impulse is similar. In the same way that you learn a lot by glancing through someone’s bookshelves, what characters read is interesting to me, and revealing. This version of Bucky is a very private person so these books offer a glimpse into his inner life. And as the POV character we get to experience all these things alongside Steve.

I’m not much of a sci-fi or fantasy reader so some of Bucky’s picks were a real challenge for me. But I wanted these to be grounded in the characters and the storytelling functions, not based on my own taste and opinions, though of course those always bleed through. 

Steve’s Reading List

The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham

Alice Neel: People Come First by Kelly Baum and Randall Griffey

The Thing on the Doorstep and Other Weird Stories by H. P. Lovecraft

The Beautiful Mysterious: The Extraordinary Gaze of William Eggleston, edited by Ann J. Abadie

One Mighty and Irresistible Tide: The Epic Struggle Over American Immigration, 1924-1965 by Jia Lynn Yang

Bucky’s Reading List

The Thing on the Doorstep and Other Weird Stories by H. P. Lovecraft

A Scanner Darkly by Philip K. Dick

QED: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter by Richard Feynman

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

Six Not-So-Easy Pieces: Einstein's Relativity, Symmetry, and Space-Time by Richard Feynman

Nonlinear Dynamics And Chaos by Steven H. Strogatz

Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein

I’ve included some notes and commentary on why I picked each of these works under the cut.

The Same River, Twice (The Man Is Still Left with His Hands)

The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham

Classic post-WWII dystopian sci-fi that focuses on society collapsing after a series of catastrophes that were unintentional but very much caused by people, which leads to a lot of the population becoming blind. Thematically this work engages with the loss of identity that people, both abled and disabled, face in the process of survival and a dark look at what happens after societies break down. How this applies to Bucky is obvious, but part of the argument of this post-Endgame series is that it applies to Steve, too. 

Also, there are huge mobile carnivorous plants. 

Fun fact: the opening of this novel is said to have been the inspiration for 28 Days Later!

Still Left with the River (The Paradox of Motion)

Alice Neel: People Come First by Kelly Baum and Randall Griffey

Alice Neel’s portraits are extraordinary, almost unnervingly vivid. In this story, Steve is familiar with her work as a fellow New York-based artist active in communist circles in the 1930s. She also worked for the WPA, producing wonderful street scenes that documented New York neighborhoods of the era. 

To be honest, I have so many questions about what Steve was up to in the late 1930s before his war mania of the 40s hits.

One of the core themes of this series is Steve struggling with what his body is for if it’s no longer for violence. Who is he if he’s not a soldier? What is his radically changed body if it’s not a weapon? How do you come home from the war?

In this regard, Steve and Bucky have all kinds of shared life experience.

So thematically I include Neel because of her startling gift for capturing personalities and bodies through a process of frank, earnest, truthful observation of the integrated completeness of body and self: this space that’s you. 

But a book of Alice Neel’s work with her sensitive portraits and fleshy frank nudes pulls him into flipping through page after page of these personalities and bodies, not idealized: seen.

Steve isn’t ready for that when he bumps into this big “impractical” art book in a holdover Barnes & Noble in Brooklyn, not when he’s still so shook up and adrift. But he will be.

There’s such empathy and radical humanism to her pieces. “People,” as she famously said, “come first.” I stand by the conclusion that Steve would love her work.

The Thing on the Doorstep and Other Weird Stories by H. P. Lovecraft

Lovecraft was relatively unknown in his lifetime—he died in 1937—but his stories were published in popular fantasy pulp magazines like Weird Tales and Astounding Stories, which is where Bucky would have come across his work. The fact that Steve recognizes Lovecraft by name means that teenage Bucky must have talked about what he was reading and the pulp stories he liked with teenage Steve, which is adorable—“this Lovecraft fellow, Steve, you wouldn’t believe the stuff he comes up with.” And Steve was paying attention enough to remember two decades and change later without the benefit of his serum-enhanced memory, which hurts my heart a little in the best possible way. 

That’s how Steve all these years and decades later is able to wordlessly toss this collection of H. P. Lovecraft’s stories at Bucky on a hot hazy stumbled-upon beach in northern Florida and watch Bucky’s whole face light up. 

And of course Bucky would view Lovecraft as a great beach read 😂

But this is the basis for something I’ve written into this series: Bucky excitedly sharing things he finds interesting with Steve—wanting to tell Steve first, Steve most. And although Steve is quiet, stoical and very self-contained, he’s paying a whole hell of a lot of attention.

Given that Bucky is canonically a Tolkien fan, I think the imaginativeness and ranging scope of Lovecraft’s complex, often interconnected stories would appeal to him. And, thematically, Lovecraft is distinctive for the era for having characters psychologically fragment when confronting these vast inhuman others. 

“The Call of Cthulhu” opens with:

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

Steve and Bucky have each voyaged out a long way.

Trauma, in a way, is a form of terrible knowledge. You can heal but you can’t unknow things. 

Not Language but a Map (The Grammar of Sensation)

A Scanner Darkly by Philip K. Dick

This is the first book in the series that we see Bucky pick for himself. And, wow, he picks a doozy with themes of multiple and unstable identities, invasive surveillance, manipulation, psychosis, and how individuals can get chewed up by larger systems, falling through the cracks of society. Dick was writing based on his own troubled experiences with southern California drug culture of the early 70s, but this work gets at much more fundamental darknesses that I think would speak to some of the horrors Bucky has gone through and won’t talk about, not even with Steve. 

Within the first few pages, we get this:

It was midday, in June of 1994. In California, in a tract area of cheap but durable plastic houses, long ago vacated by the straights. Jerry had at an earlier date sprayed metal paint over all the windows, though, to keep out the light; the illumination for the room came from a pole lamp into which he had screwed nothing but spot lamps, which shone day and night, so as to abolish time for him and his friends. He liked that; he liked to get rid of time. By doing that he could concentrate on important things without interruption.

The Beautiful Mysterious: The Extraordinary Gaze of William Eggleston, edited by Ann J. Abadie

Eggleston was an early pioneer in color photography and that fascination with color is very apparent in his work. I think this focus would grab Steve as an artist who doesn’t take seeing the full spectrum of color for granted. Even in the MCU’s thin action-film scripts, Steve comments on things that offend his aesthetic sensibilities even when that has absolutely no bearing on the situation at hand, from Stark Tower to Lang’s van.

Not even a world-ending crisis can keep Steve from going, wow, no, that’s ugly. I enjoyed running with that 😂

Steve’s view of Eggleston’s photographs shifts over the course of the series, reflecting what he’s feeling, from the fragmented and disconnected detachment—“isolated and off-kilter”— that he sees in them at the beginning that shifts to the passionate engagement in the world he finds in them later. 

Steve looks through the whole book of William Eggleston’s photographs again and at first the colors still roll over him like the shockwave of a distant explosion, all he can focus on. But gradually the subjects and compositions pull forward, too: monumentalized images of the everyday that at first seem neutral, the work of a detached observer. But the off-center framing of ordinary life is so deliberate as though everything might be important and where every detail deserves attention—that’s nothing like neutral. That’s not detached at all. You have to care a whole hell of a lot.

This mirrors the journey this post-Endgame Steve goes on. Because Steve Rogers should be a character who cares a whole hell of a lot, not what the MCU writers eventually reduced him to. And that’s what this fix-it is trying to fix. 

Lost Vocabularies that Might Express (The Memory of These Broken Impressions)

QED: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter by Richard Feynman

I love writing Bucky as a big fucking science nerd. His last night in New York and how does he want to spend the time? At a science fair with his best friend and a couple of pretty girls. So Bucky reading about quantum electrodynamics is delightful to me. The thing is, though, Bucky is a bright enough guy with a high school education. He’s not a genius—and the MCU is lousy with geniuses. But if Bucky wanted to learn a little more about all this quantum stuff he heard about in passing during some vague and very improbable sounding explanations, which by the way also allowed one of the few people still living who truly matters to him and the closest thing Bucky had left to family to fuck off to the past, well, Feynman’s QED isn’t a bad place to start in understanding some of this quantum stuff, at least. 

Feynman here is very much writing for a popular audience. His writing is conversational—the book is adapted from a set of lectures he gave—and his voice is witty, casual and surprisingly light, but at the same time Feynman is deeply invested in helping lay people understand quantum mechanics. The book opens with:

Alix Mautner was very curious about physics and often asked me to explain things to her. I would do all right, just as I do with a group of students at Caltech that come to me for an hour on Thursdays, but eventually I’d fail at what is to me the most interesting part: We would always get hung up on the crazy ideas of quantum mechanics. I told her I couldn’t explain these ideas in an hour or an evening—it would take a long time—but I promised her that someday I’d prepare a set of lectures on the subject.

I prepared some lectures, and I went to New Zealand to try them out—because New Zealand is far enough away that if they weren’t successful, it would be all right! Well, the people in New Zealand thought they were okay, so I guess they’re okay—at least for New Zealand! So here are the lectures I really prepared for Alix, but unfortunately I can’t tell them to her directly, now.

C’mon! Tell me Bucky Barnes would not be hooked by this opening. 

Thematically, and more seriously, the question of how could Steve do this? has two very different meanings. So far in this series Bucky isn’t ready to confront the harder version of that question which comes potentially with some very painful answers: how could Steve make that choice? Nope, he’s not ready for that. Instead, his brain unconsciously takes the easier way out: trying to understand quantum electrodynamics. 😂😭

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

Bucky must have liked A Scanner Darkly, because he went for another Philip K. Dick novel. Today remembered mostly as the source material for Blade Runner, this bleak dystopian novel is set in the aftermath of a devastating nuclear war that destroys most life on Earth. The work has themes around empathy—who feels empathy and for what?—materialism and what really makes us human. 

I find it interesting how Sebastian Stan talks about The Winter Soldier in terms of someone who has undergone a process of total desensitization, which to varying degrees is deliberately part of the training of all soldiers. But rebuilding his core sense of empathy was one of the things Bucky chose to do as soon as he had any agency in that two-year period where he was on the run, which is remarkable. As a person who has been treated as though he wasn’t human and had his empathy forcibly stripped from him, I think Bucky would have a lot of complicated feelings about the enslaved androids who escape but are ruthlessly tracked down and killed. Some of these escaped androids are dangerous and do lack basic empathy—shown in the book by torturing and mutilating an animal—while other androids seem like ordinary people just trying to live their lives. 

I like that Bucky talks about the book with Steve later in the story, returning in my view to a very old habit of bookworm Bucky wanting to share what he’d been reading with Steve <333

“I need to find something to read next,” Bucky says after wrapping up his description of an imagined religion that involved plugging into a box to virtually suffer the existence of a man forever walking up a steep hill while struck by crashing stones. 

“Well, did the androids dream of electric sheep?” Steve asks.

“Who knows?” Bucky knocks into him gently as he takes the bowl Steve passes over. “They just wanted to be free. Though the free people just wanted to own stuff or plug into a box and suffer. So, you know, sort of a grim outlook. ”

“A little light, cheerful reading.”

“Hey, we live in a world where people write ‘Take back what’s yours’ in the streets and then smash up the windows. Dystopias don’t seem so far off the mark.”

Six Not-So-Easy Pieces: Einstein's Relativity, Symmetry, and Space-Time by Richard Feynman

Another case of Bucky sticking with an author he likes! To me, this implies that Bucky has already read Feynman’s Six Easy Pieces, which explains some of the foundational basics of physics for a very broad and non-technical audience. Six Not-So-Easy Pieces is also drawn from Feynman’s famous Lectures on Physics, focusing here on relativity and space-time, but this work assumes a greater knowledge of math, hence the name. But as a legendary sniper Bucky must have a strong aptitude for math and anyway I just leaned into making Bucky an all-around nerd, because Bucky Barnes, nerd who grew up hot, is delightful to me. 

Relativity, Symmetry, and Space-Time are all on point for a post-Endgame fix-it, which I think should count as a not-so-easy piece in its own right. 

Throughout the series, we see Bucky using physical copies when he reads fiction, more or less from unconscious nostalgia: connecting back to memories of his younger self who was an avid reader of pulp magazines and cheap paperbacks. Once Steve gets him going with that first quietly tossed-over gift, Bucky always carries around a sci-fi or fantasy book in this series despite the limited space in his backpack. And this familiarity wouldn’t just be from his pre-war life since I figure Bucky would have gone for the Armed Services Editions that were distributed for free to soldiers. Bucky likely traded with other soldiers once he finished a book if he couldn’t get a new ASE distribution: trading in his finished novel for a new one is Bucky unconsciously falling back into another old habit.

But for non-fiction, Bucky is absolutely here for the Modern Marvel of being able to carry around as many books as he likes on his phone. I figure Bucky would have used public libraries during certain stages of his recovery when he was homeless and migratory since they are a place to get information that is consistently available in cities; and a warm, quiet place you can go with a minimal number of security cameras. I headcanon a middle-aged librarian who has a few streaks of gray in her dark hair—and who reminds Bucky of someone but he has no idea who—explaining what e-books are to this tall, gaunt, soft-spoken homeless guy with an eye contact problem. And this person who isn’t the Asset anymore and isn’t Bucky Barnes yet has the out-of-nowhere thought: huh, whaddaya know. That’s pretty neat.

Nonlinear Dynamics And Chaos: With Applications To Physics, Biology, Chemistry, And Engineering by Steven H. Strogatz

Isolated systems tend to evolve towards a single equilibrium and these equilibrium points have been the focus of many-body research for centuries. But life is generally not that simple because most systems aren’t isolated. Often the dynamics of a system result from the product of multiple different interacting forces and objects in these systems can change between multiple different attractor wells over time. Or as Strogatz puts it:

As we’ve mentioned earlier, most nonlinear systems are impossible to solve analytically. Why are nonlinear systems so much harder to analyze than linear ones? The essential difference is that linear systems can be broken down into parts. Then each part can be solved separately and finally recombined to get the answer. This idea allows a fantastic simplification of complex problems, and underlies such methods as normal modes, Laplace transforms, superposition arguments, and Fourier analysis. In this sense, a linear system is precisely equal to the sum of its parts.

But many things in nature don’t act this way. Whenever parts of a system interfere, or cooperate, or compete, there are nonlinear interactions going on. Most of everyday life is nonlinear, and the principle of superposition fails spectacularly. 

You can think of nonlinear dynamics as situations in which the sum of the parts is insufficient to understand the whole. This connects to multiple themes in this story as Bucky and Steve try to understand themselves, their lives and each other. But here Bucky is also just continuing to live his best life as a nerd with a strong intuitive knack for math, a high school education, an internet connection and a growing collection of science e-books. Or as Bucky puts it:

“It’s nice, though, like this smart guy is just talking to you but doesn’t assume you’re dumb because of what you don’t know.”

It’s touched on only very lightly in the series so far, but Bucky has a lot of complex feelings about higher education that relate to class, indirectly to sexuality, and go back to the experience of being the son of upwardly mobile working-class immigrants who were very bought-in on a traditional take on the American Dream.

Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein

I picked this partly because I thought the title would grab Bucky, who has been a stranger in a strange land several times over. Thematically this midcentury sci-fi novel focuses on challenging social norms through having the main character, a human who’d been raised by Martians on Mars, come back to Earth as an adult. A best-seller in its day that was controversial for its rejection of Christianity, monogamy and the nuclear family, the work is very tied to the looming cultural changes of the 60s and 70s. 

The novel’s critical reputation has been steadily in decline for decades, but I think Bucky would find it interesting since he grew up within the traditional early 20th-century culture this novel satirizes and challenges—mores that this story’s version of Bucky didn’t unquestioningly accept but didn’t openly challenge, either.

Having Bucky pick this novel reflects the themes for the last act of this story that focus more on Steve and Bucky's different experiences as closeted queer men growing up in a deeply homophobic society. These experiences continue to shape and impact them and yet are also a past these two are coming to terms with and growing beyond. 

Fun fact: this novel coined the word “grok.”

One Mighty and Irresistible Tide: The Epic Struggle Over American Immigration, 1924-1965 by Jia Lynn Yang

Of all the books featured in this series, One Mighty and Irresistible Tide is my top recommendation. This is an accessible, well-written history of a topic that haunts American history: immigration. The specific focus is the waves of legislation passed in the first half of the 20th century that tried—and often succeeded—in limiting who could legally immigrate based on the racial and ethnic hierarchies that equally haunt American history, right down to the foundation. 

In this series, I wanted to pick up the themes of social justice and immigration that were so vaguely and incoherently included in TFATWS. These themes are inherent in the Snap and Return plotline except that Disney does not want to touch any of these politics with a ten-foot pole. But I remain fascinated by trying to wrap my mind around what it would mean for half the population to vanish and then return five years later, catastrophically in both cases. It’s a huge, intricate, sticky, difficult world-building problem that’s inescapably political. 

Steve isn’t quite ready to dive into facing or helping to fix the problems of the post-Return world that his actions helped to create. But here we get to see Steve’s burned-out passion and conviction slowly rekindle as he reads about the complicated and often ugly history of American immigration—and he gets mad about it. Of course, he gets mad about it! This is my answer to the ludicrous idea that Steve Rogers could quietly sit out the second half of the twentieth century. 

At the same time, I can have compassion for Steve knowing he can’t keep going but not knowing how to help himself, only to be given the cursed monkey’s paw of time travel. And he fucks up. His actions have real and lasting consequences. But that doesn’t make the situation hopeless or mean Steve can’t try to repair the relationships he damaged or work to regain the trust he lost, assuming he’s lucky enough to be given another chance by people who love him but have been hurt by his choices.

One of the greatest challenges in writing this Endgame fix-it was accepting Endgame as the starting point of the story and trying to reconcile a character I love with the choices canon has him make. Over the course of these stories, the central point isn’t Steve coming back to Bucky. It’s Steve coming back to himself. Through a slow and painful struggle, Steve finds himself again—rediscovering his stubborn endurance, his compassion for others and his drive to set wrongs right. Steve stumbled, badly, but he gets back up. Because that’s who Steve Rogers is. 

And because of who Bucky Barnes is—his innate kindness, his warm-hearted generosity and his stubborn loyalty that isn’t blind but runs deep—that’s how these two characters come back to each other, after everything.

Deliberately, this series is the first hard-fought and hopeful glimmer in a long trudging process that can get so heavy to carry forward, day after day, but is shot through with moments of beauty and joy all the same. 

I can't go on; I'll go on.

In other words, to quote one of my favorite poets: what the living do.

[bleachbleachbleach]

five comfort characters, five tags

Thank you for the tag, @fractoluminescence! I made a new post because this got long, but the original meme is at this link, and @fractoluminescence's cool responses are at this one, if you'd like to read everyone's (I recommend!).

I had a difficult time developing an answer because I got too in the weeds about what the definition of “comfort character” was, rip. It turns out there are a lot of definitions, ranging from characters you find cozy, to characters you find relatable, to characters you look up to, to more elaborate definitions that attempt to articulate those distinctions between a character you love and a character that you would sink to the bottom of the Marianas Trench with.

I’ll define “comfort character” as that thing that begins by delineating, say, a show you love so so much (Haikyuu!!—my soul for a volleyball) vs. a show you want to be fannish about (Bleach. BleachBleachBleach, even. BLEACHBLEACHBLEACH, even), and then refines further into characters you love (my eternal Soi Fon era) vs. the characters you’re in the Trench about. Because while I probably think an above average amount about Soi Fon, and love seeing her on my dash, and do want to write for her once I alight upon some idea that sufficiently connects my headcanons about her to 1) actual canon and 2) a Story, she is not who I:

think about every single ding dong day;

regularly revel in in daydreams;

both consciously and unconsciously filter my lived experiences or relationships through, such that they become doubled; they find translation, in an act of both processing (growing distance from, or increasing intimacy with) the experience and in tugging at the character themselves, growing them into something that proceeds from their canon or offers an opportunity to entertain new and additional dimensions.

I think the key elements here are:

the alwaysness of this—the readiness to be in the soup at all times;

how personal the engagements are, which I think is sometimes to do with the relatability of a character (proximity to oneself) and is sometimes personal to… the character? Like, the intimacy of wanting to both crystallize one’s understanding of a beloved character by stress-testing their concept, and to spin them out, break them from what is canonically known just to see how much depth they have beyond that and in how many ways they might be known.

…Which, now that I’ve written that, is... just my definition of “blorbo” and not “comfort character,” but maybe the terms are synonymous??? who knows—AS THOUGH BLORBO HAS A DEFINITION AND ISN’T WHOLLY MEME-DERIVED TO BEGIN WITH. AS THOUGH ANY OF THESE THINGS HAVE PRESCRIPTIVE DEFINITIONS.

Anyway, all of that is the appeal of writing fanfic, to me, so it technically extends to anyone I’ve had occasion to write. But that’s within the specific action of writing a story, or preparing to write a story, or thinking about writing a story.

If we’re talking “always” and unconsciously, readily, blorbo-ily, whether there’s a story or not, then #1-3 are and have been for the last four years:

Hitsugaya

Hinamori

Matsumoto

They are who I am most inclined to give things to, or translate things through, and am most interested in defining/destroying. <333

There are probably use-cases/concrete examples that should go here, in addition to the somewhat woowoo definition above, but part of me is shy, and another part is like, those are what the stories are, and another part is “those two parts are the same part...” and yet another is “those two parts are the exact opposite of each other..."

So instead I'll no-pressure tag @confluencechimera, @recurring-polynya, @afinepiece, @bendingwind, and @unohanadaydreams!

Below the cut because it's not Bleach-related enough: I promise I’m not trying to be evasive/coquettish on purpose, but I don’t think I can get myself to put my thoughts about my lifetime character for this on Tumblr, because according to me, organizationally, that’s not where they go. So I’ll skip him. I’m also one of those people where my idea of comfort is to lean into the negative and feel comforted by the experience of being joined in misery by others, rather than go the cozy route. In that usage my comfort “character” is Law and Order: SVU because it’s like 800 episodes of people having the worst day of their lives and/or people on absolutely depraved sprees, depending on which side of the story you focus on. But also that show is deeply unserious, pleasingly formulaic, and has infinite rewatchability. So let's say those are responses #4 and #5!!

[eddiediazismyhusband]

Still with you in the wait and see approach. I need to be confident that relationship is bones and there won't be signs of it until at least the premiere.

that’s where i’m at too. i also just think someone needs to remind tim minear of what exactly his job is. his job isn’t to stir up fandom drama (and then complain about drama that he himself is partially to blame for but then refuse to directly call out the toxic ones) his job is to tell a story; but he decided that wasn’t what his job was the moment he scrapped 7b to rewrite it into whatever that mess was rather than just giving us an (admittedly) rushed backhalf of the season, and then open s8 up for NEW content.

No instead, he’s rehashing old storylines (gerrard), driving (literal) dead plotlines even further into the ground by creating new elements that there has never been any evidence of before (shannon), as well as actively giving the toxic fans he complained about the ammunition they need to continue being toxic (bt).

it feels like when he came back, he got this kind of god complex and is deciding to use 9-1-1 as his dollhouse for his wacky “masterpieces” that aren’t even that well thought out, and thinking that he needs to come up with these convoluted crazy plots to keep audiences interested, when most of the fandom have been vocal about how they miss the s2-4 era where it was just a procedural drama… not a hitchcock remake or an homage to classic b-movies.

i miss the energy of past seasons when yeah there was drama, but overall it was still a silly feel-good show; but then in s7 rather than emulating s1 and having it be a shorter reestablished character-focused season, he had it be both a character focus season (that decided to retcon and rewrite entire character traits of some people) as well as trying to cram in crazy drama plots (like listen, the cruise ship arc was decent, but it should have been focused on the storm/wave ONLY rather than the dumbass pirate plot that only took 10 minutes 💀).

so yeah, i’n trying to still remain positive and interact w headcanon/fanfiction content and posting the occasional “i hope we get this in s8”, but as far as actively speculating and teying to figure things out from photos or 2 second clips that will most likely only result in disappointment or frustration upon seeing the finished product, i’m not gonna hold my breath for anything.

Again if you wish to engage in spec and have fun with that, then by all means do! I just don’t have the mental capacity to do that healthily so i find it oftentimes more rewarding to keep my expectations low (especially after i got kinda spec crazy last season)

but also if you DO engage in spec, don’t try to gaslight and bully people, telling them that their interpretation is wrong just bc it’s not yours (meaning if someone is cautious about whether or not we’re getting buddie canon, don’t tell them they are delusional and insane bc ‘we absolutely 1000% are and there is no possibility we aren’t’ even tho it is very likely that we unfortunately won’t get buddie canon) i’ve had to make the decision to unfollow so many larger buddie blogs that i used to enjoy bc seeing the way they interact with fans’ concerns, low expectations, etc made me feel so icky bc they were beginning to sound like a certain part of the fandom (👀) and i don’t like that.

like i’m not going to go on someone’s post where they’re voicing their concerns and say “this is stupid that would never happen you’re delusional”

it’s one thing to be like “hey, i get that you may be stressed, but i look at it this way and that seems to help me” or to be like “good points, but if you look at this and this” but to actively make people feel stupid for having (objectively based on how s7 went) concerns about s8? that’s icky behavior to me idk

anyway i kinda hijacked this ask and went on alittle tangent, but no i am right there with you too on the “wait and see” of it all bc so far i have not seen anything truly promising about this season, and i honestly probably won’t until the show comes out and we actually get a feel for where tim’s brain is at this season (which…. knowing where his brain went last season doesn’t fill me with excitement)

[taekooktimeline]

Hey everyone 👋🏽

I haven’t bothered clarifying anything here simply because I’m more active on TW and, to a smaller degree, my IG. I’ve voiced my thoughts on those platforms but I guess I should also preserve it here so I’m doing that now💜TBH I debated even making this post because I want to move forward, but I think this should be archived for the future so 😌

For those who didn’t see, these are the things I’ve said about what has happened the last week.

The day everything happened, I wrote this. Unfortunately, after only being up 6 hours, I had to go private because some people move from a place of fear and reacted with hate. Ironically, I now see accounts talking about the same things I talked about. It’s incredibly frustrating, and I wish I was stronger when people come to bully because I think last week this message needed to be conveyed, but what can you do😌I’m glad some are more receptive this week 😌

I then wrote this on IG, elaborating further since I didn’t have a tweet limit confining me -

I have also said this -

And yesterday I posted this edit. I was actually slowly compiling it for July, when 6 months had passed in 2023, but my gut told me a gentle reminder was needed + a breath of positivity on the timeline would be welcomed -

Which you can watch on my IG or TW (TW link here)

That is all I’m going to say about this. There’s so many theories running around and I’m not going to engage with them. I trust Tae and Jk, and what we’ve seen them show about themselves and where their heart is for YEARS, therefore I’m not bothered by any of this. My heart is heavy the timeline was so tense and filled with negativity this last week. I will never understand why people choose to bully those who have a different view than they do. I’m also sad how fickle minded and easily forgetful people are to what TK have shown😌

I can’t stress enough - I’m not going to entertain drama, bullying, arguing, etc so either please keep rude comments to yourself, or I’m going to block and not engage, and you’ve wasted your time. I always say believe as you want. I’m not here to convince, persuade or be a bandaid for insecurity. That holds true even now. Think what you want. I’m going to believe as I want too. Arguing and being hurtful won’t change that. I’m also not interested in debating anything, so I hope you can understand. I’d rather use my energy in more fruitful ways.

If things are making you feel drained, I want to gently encourage you to step away.

I really would love if we can move forward from a place of positivity and support, as we have been 🙏

I may delete this in a bit. I’m not sure.

💜💚

[eneiryu]

do you have any tips for people who want to start writing/posting works, but don't know where to start?

I’ve been mulling it over since I got your ask, and I think I have come up with a few things:

- Start small, not just in length but in concept. Plotting out fics in such a way that all the threads get satisfactorily tied up at the end, and things don’t feel rushed or dragged out or forgotten about, is a skill. I find it much, much easier to pick one single core concept, and build a whole, detailed story around that, than to successfully keep several metaphorical plates in the air. For example, with my last fic: I wanted Theo to convince himself he had to leave BH after the series finale, and then for him and Liam to run into each other years later, and end up having that explosive resolution. I could have felt like I needed to write all the in-between, or even the after, but really I didn’t. To steal a piece of writing advice I heard from someone else, ask yourself if you’re writing the most interesting parts of your character’s life/story, and if the answer is no, try stopping and writing that. Conveniently enough, that also usually ends up being the more fun parts to write. And, eventually—you’ll get to the point where writing out the epics is much, much easier.

- OUTLINE. Seriously, outline everything. If you have an idea, even if you don’t have any idea where it goes or anything other than the first sentence or summary? Write it down. Write it down immediately. You will forget things if you try to save it for later. My phone is full of incomprehensible chunks of stories, but that is how I get to comprehensible stories. And outlining honestly makes things so much easier. If I have an outline, I very rarely get “stuck.” I know what happens next, and it’s so much easier to thread the different moments together, than to sit there staring at an intimidatingly blank page, and feel like I need to come up with everything.

- Don’t worry about titles and summaries and tags until the story is actually done, and don’t stress yourself out trying to come up with the perfect one. I come up with my titles on the fly. One of the most talented fic writers I’ve ever come across has one-word titles, usually just some kind of noun (does the fic take place in an arena? The fic is tilted “Arena.”).

And, honestly, most importantly?

- Write for yourself, and for the fans that you have, not the fans that you wish you have. It’s so tempting to judge how “successful” you were at a story by how many comments or reblogs or likes you get, but my experience has been that there are so many stories, and so many posts, and so many different tastes and styles and whatever, that being “popular” in fandom is a mythical and almost impossible thing to achieve. Some of my favorite stories I’ve written are the ones that received the least notice, comparatively. I have made so many friends and have come to have a group of readers who names and pseuds and comments I genuinely remember and appreciate, because they show up again and again and take the time to leave the comments, or the reblogs, or the likes. They engage, with me and with the work that I do genuinely spend hours or my time and energy on, and having a handful of those readers show up in one of my stories, even if it doesn’t hit the same “mark” as some of my others? That’s a damn good day, right there.

Okay just kidding, one more:

- Have fun. Writing is seriously so much work, and it’s hard, and a lot of the time, it may feel like you’re shouting into the void. So you’ve got to write the things that you enjoy, that you want to see in the world, and then you’ve got to go put it into the world. If you’re having fun, your readers will know it and respond to it. And if you’re having fun, well, then—you’re having fun, aren’t you? 😊

[jaspersreprise]

My own connection with Paganism

Hello! Today, this posts particular penchant will be relating to my experiences and connection with a spirituality called Paganism, which is something you must’ve already heard before :) 

Before I continue on with it, I’ll define what Paganism is and how it impacts peoples lives for those who don’t know.

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Paganism is a collective term for a wide range of ancient and modern religious systems, many of which focus on worshiping or honoring nature, ancestors, gods, spirits, or other divine, supernatural, or mystical beings. The term 'Paganism' comes from the Latin word 'paganus', which means 'rural' or 'country'. In the past, paganism has often been used as a pejorative term to describe the religions of non-Christians, and was often associated with superstitious or 'barbaric' practices.

Paganism is often marked by a strong connection to the natural world, and many pagans believe in a deep interconnection between all beings and the surrounding environment. While different religions or sects within Paganism have different beliefs and practices, many pagans are concerned with a connection to the cycles of nature, and may celebrate the equinoxes and solstices as times of regeneration and renewal.

Paganism often includes worship or reverence of specific gods or spirits, and many pagans practice polytheism, believing in multiple deities. The exact nature of these gods may vary widely depending on the particular pagan tradition or group, and may include gods and spirits from many different cultures and mythologies.

Many pagans also practice witchcraft, which is a form of magic involving rituals and spells, and which may be used for both good and for ill. Pagans also often engage in meditation, prayer, and other spiritual practices, which they use to connect with the divine, to seek guidance, or to seek wisdom.

Paganism can also have a significant impact on the lives of individual practitioners, and many pagans find that their religious beliefs shape their sense of personal identity, their values, and their daily choices. Many pagans believe in the concept of karma, and may engage in acts of charity or service to others as a way of promoting spiritual growth and personal development. Others find that their spiritual practices help them deal with stress, anxiety, and other challenges in their daily life.

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Now that the explanation has come to conclusion, I will be discussing how I am drawn to Paganism and how it aligns to my own spiritual beliefs and values. But first, I want to essentially say this:

I believe we live in a world of indefinite possibilities, where everything is an enigma and we are all unique in our search for individuality. To me, mere labels do not contribute and define what or who we are as a whole person. They are just a way for us to make sense of the true meaning of life. At a young age, I look upon my journey as a perpetual student in life, and the people that I have met along the way, including my friends, who have a profound effect in shaping my views and thoughts. I would like to thank them for also being the reason why my mind had came this way 🤍

I’ll be moving forward now

From the age of 9, or maybe even younger(?), I have started questioning my own identity and grew even more intrigued and curious with discovering who I am as a person. With this yearning to know for more, I subsequently found new interests for myself and had opened my eyes to more knowledge. I wanted to learn more about the things I was passionate about, and so I did!

I am quite younger than you think, so I’m not surprised if I inadvertently implied and distributed subtle hints for you to discover my age. 

At the age of 10, that was when I’ve actually delved in more deeply to understand myself. That was when I’ve exposed myself to more new-found interests, such as behaviours and cognitive functions, psychology, superstitions and omens, spirituality, pseudoscience, angelic numerology, extraterrestrials, yadda yadda, there are much more to name :o) And that was all because of one particular book that inherently changed my beliefs and views on life. I started being more open-minded and increasingly became more curious to find a value to life. I don’t dismiss my existential thoughts; I try to find more truth to it, now look what happened 😭 My viewpoint is completely different compared to what I’ve had when I was 9, I’m no pessimist though LMFAO. Definitely not

I’ve been a witch since I was 10 years old, but even as a small child, I felt that there was a calling for me and a craving to reach for the divine. At that age, I began my research and study on witchcraft and it had already came clear to me that this was the path I had to take. It took some time for me to voice my own opinions and belief system to a few of my familial relatives, and it didn’t take much for them to process. I influenced them very well. They were superstitious people, which I am referring to my mom, aunt, uncle, sibling (who also partakes in this practice) and cousins. So I can comfortably, yet gradually, open up to them with my thoughts (by thoughts I mean existential thoughts and what interests me, my academic focus and ambitions, and also saying that I’m bisexual and have more of a preference towards women. Not opening up as in bawling my eyes out. To sprinkle a little humour.)

At the earliest times to when I’ve reached the age of 10, I didn’t know what Paganism is after initially studying and researching witchcraft. It took me a little while to find out, but after finding out what it is, I realized that it greatly aligned very well to my own spiritual beliefs, values, and perspective. Before having truly considering myself a Pagan, I needed more confirmation and delved a more deeper study in it’s spirituality.

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I’m not sure whether that was enough information, but I’ll probably update it later on and do a retrospective. I hope you guys had a great day or night. Please look after your welfare, and be hydrated!

Feel free to ask questions.

[open-hearth-rpg]

Engagement & Flashbacks: Great RPG Mechanics #RPGMechanics: Week Three

I have sat through hundreds of in-game planning sessions. There’s an objective, maybe specific, maybe general, maybe- god forbid- we’re discussing which objective we want to approach. These can be wonderful and interesting moments to explore character and role play to show what your PC values. They can be. But those are exceptions rather than the rule. I look back at the hours sunk into those which ended up in painful, circular, player-tension exacerbating, and time-consuming bad meetings.

My particular pet peeve from this is the player who listens and waits until someone has proposed a line of action and then says they don’t like it. They point out corner-case problems and wild possibilities which *could* make things collapse. But when pressed for fix suggestions or alternatives, they shrug their shoulders. I loathe them. I’ve seen many of them. Playing them at the ttrpg table made me that much more ready to flip out when people did this in actual work meetings in the real world.

Don’t get me wrong– I love it when a plan comes together. There’s few things more satisfying as a GM than to watch the players consider a problem, develop a solution, and reveal how their individual talents can save the day. But setting a planning session into motion is like lighting a stick of dynamite. Sometimes the players come together and manage to extinguish that fuse. More times the dynamite goes off and blows a hole in the session.

So that has long been an established problem that GMs have worked through, usually by degrees of heavy-handed riding the whip.

Blades in the Dark provided another solution and one, honestly, which completely changed my approach to this at every table I run. You have a job, a score, an objective. You can keep choosing that tight by filing down the number of options. Once you know generally what you want to do, you define the kind task and what’s your key element. Then we go to the engagement roll.

That roll is based on the challenge of the situation, the resources and information you have, and preparation (but only in the loosest sense). Good stuff gives you more dice, bad stuff takes away dice. You roll a pool of d6s and check the result. If the highest die is a six, we start the scene on the job with your characters in control. They’ve gotten past the easy layers and are in the more challenging part, but in a good spot. On a 4-5 it's more a mixed bag– you start out with some things at risk. You have to overcome a standard challenge right away. On a 1-3 we drop you in the shit. You’re in but things have gone wrong and the situation’s desperate.

But it's the other half of the system which completes this and makes things brilliant. Players can flashback to preparations they’ve made. They can improvise these on the fly. They can cost stress and require a test, but that’s dependent on how wild or impactful that prep is. Combining that with the flexible loadout system makes the players feel OK about rolling into a situation without having spent an hour working out all the possibilities.

And at least at my tables, the secret is that flashbacks don’t get done that often. Sometimes PCs will get jammed in a corner or a player will have a particularly clever concept. But Flashbacks IMHO provide a mental cushion for risk-adverse players. It’s the GM saying, “let’s get to playing, I’m not going to screw you over, and you’ll have the chance to pull cool stuff out.” And it works– and I promise you I use it in just about every game I run. We still do meetings and planning discussions, but I know I can wrap it up and move it to the play if that begins to look like it is going to blow up.

Side-note: Blades isn’t the first game to lean on flashbacks as a key element. I think that would be Leverage, which is an amazing ground-breaking game by a dynamite team of designers. It uses that to model the reveals of the TV shows it's based on. There may be others, but that’s the one I remember.

[youwouldntlietopapa]

Could you please do “The hug where they come running at you, jumping into your outstretched arms, making you stumble backward a little at the added weight of their body pressing against yours. No matter though, because you’re both laughing, arms only tightening around each other.” with a female reader and Papa Copia! Thanks!

I'm so sorry, I couldn't get this mental image out of my head. And now this exists. Enjoy!

___________________________________________________________

Anyone who has ever watched a full grown man make a split second, extremely questionable decision only to realise his mistake too far into committing to it will know exactly the look on Copia’s face as he flew through the air. (Okay, flew might be a bit of an overstatement, but still…) But I’ve gotten ahead of myself…

The show itself had gone about as well as anyone could have hoped. No technical disasters, no weather problems, Swiss hadn’t fallen off his platform or set his guitar on fire, and Copia was in fine form. For a band who’s performance mode typically left them all sharing a single brain cell, it was damned fun to watch. And, thank the dark lord, you actually got to see it in person.

It wasn’t always possible to come along on tour, but this time was lucky. It was chaos, it was exhausting, it was frustrating, and it was also more fun than anything else in the world. Besides, not being stuck back at the Abbey, counting down the days for them to return and spending evenings on video calls, trying to be grateful for even that would always be preferable.

The fact that Copia always walked off stage absolutely desperate to drag you back to the bus to unwind didn’t hurt either. At least, not in a way that you didn’t enjoy immensely.

When the last chords of the last song played and the screaming crowd became one final wave of noise and devotion, you waited well off to the side. Out of the way. Beaming so hard your cheeks ached. If it was possible to be more proud of anyone, you were sure that it couldn’t be much more. The day had been hot and sticky, but the night had gotten blessedly cool and a breeze made everything feel like it would be all right. All you could think about was the small bus shower and the bed waiting for you both.

Copia walks off stage after the final bows, still in business mode, talking with the ghouls. They always need a few minutes. Going over everything, discussing any issues, checking in with the backstage team. And you wait patiently. Once he sheds the frontman mask, you’ll have your Copia all to yourself.

Watching them all together is entertainment enough as it is. Swiss is already stuffing whatever junk food he get his hands on into his mouth. The ghoul is always famished after a show and it’s let him eat or deal with a hangry boy. Everyone has agreed letting him eat is easier. Dew is smoking away. Literally. Smoke rising off him and drifting off on the breeze. It will dissipate once he unwinds. Phantom stands quietly aside, hands folded in front of himself, tail twitching, just waiting to be released to go run circles around the tour bus to burn off the adrenaline. And the rest are either chattering away or half listening while more engaged in their own post-show rituals.

When Copia waves them off, they scatter quickly. Too many things to do, too much trouble to get into. They’ll be back on the bus before it leaves, but until then, you’re quite happy to not worry about it. Because the man you’re really most interested in takes a deep breath, shakes off the stress and the worry, allowing himself to really bask in the glow of a great ritual and the adoration of the crowd. The void where the tension he’d been holding is filled immediately with the need for you. The desperate, frantic, all consuming need that grinding on a mic stand will never satisfy. His eyes scan the backstage until he spots you.

“Amore!” He calls. There’s a hunger in his eyes and every stagehand who’s been around any length of time instinctively moves out of the path between him and you.

He doesn’t walk over. He doesn’t pause to chitchat along the way. Copia runs for you. Somewhere between spotting you, and reaching you, however, some very dubious decision making takes place. You’re not sure when exactly, but you can say for certain when it is that he realises it’s a bad idea.

Around the same time you realise what it is, exactly, that he’s doing.

And definitely after it’s too late to change his course of action.

Your arms are held out for him, expecting an absolutely rib crushing hug. But you watch, rather helplessly as he twists his torso with the last few steps, leaps off the ground, throwing himself directly at you. Like having Satan’s own golden disco ball hurled at you without warning.

“Copia!” You cry uselessly. Objects in motion being what they are and all. The hug you were expecting rapidly becomes the catch you were unprepared for.

You stumble backward, trying with everything you’ve got to avoid both knocking over anything expensive and dropping your most precious treasure. A feat that would be, admittedly, made a little easier if you hadn’t had the air knocked out of your lungs. But beggars can’t be choosers. And, by some miracle, you find yourself still standing, holding a very surprised Copia, bridal style.

“Amore! I… I don’t know what came over me! Forgive me!” He looks at you like you’ve just grown a second head, looking from your face to your arms holding him up (a little shakily, but all the same) and back again. Finally breaking into a delighted laugh. “Why didn’t you tell me you are so strong???”

You wheeze a soft laugh, feeling your legs shaking a bit. “Copia… my love… don’t take this the wrong way… but you weigh a fucking ton. I’m going to set you down, all right?”

“Of course! Of course!” He lands on his feet in front of you when you drop his legs, and he wraps you in a tight hug. “You are so strong, angelo mio. Mmmm… I like that. Will you show me more? In private?” His teeth tease your neck and his hands wander.

“I think I can manage that.” You giggle and he scoops you up, the same way you’d been holding him. No need to ask where he’s taking you. There’s only one place it could be. Your arms circle his neck and you press yourself tightly against him.

Copia grins cheekily all the way back to the bus, leaning in close as you near the door. “Did you see me on stage tonight? I’m afraid I was very naughty.”

You smile a little wider, biting at his earlobe. “I did see. I was getting a bit jealous of the mic stand.”

If the sound he makes is any indication, the new crotch corset trousers are certainly making themselves worth every penny paid for them.

“I only hope that my Principessa guerriera won’t punish me too terribly.”

[loggedbylily]

written and edited by lily hayashi. made in relation to 'small girl, big thoughts' podcast, hosted by lily hayashi.

To say we’ve had an interrupted decade is an understatement; amongst lockdowns, growth of reliability on social media to form and maintain relationships and political movements, we’ve experienced a lot in just the past few years. It’s to be expected that society has had to shift and mould to fit into all these changes, as it always does, but I’ve noticed that in particular, there’s been a huge change in childhood and teenagehood, and in my eyes, ‘girlhood’.

Cambridge Dictionary defines the term ‘girlhood’ as ‘the period when a person is a girl, and not yet a woman, or the state of being a girl.’ The word has recently become somewhat of a buzzword on social media, with (from what I’ve seen) mainly adult women referring to this idea and romanticisation of ‘girlhood’. I think it’s interesting that the primary users of this term seem to be women, and they refer to this as ‘girlhood’ as opposed to ‘womanhood’. This could be since ‘womanhood’ seems too complex, stressful and real, whilst ‘girlhood’ is like a blanket protecting you from the big, scary world; you’re literally just a girl, you don’t have to worry about taxes or jobs or important relationships. I think it’s also a way a lot of adult women are trying to reclaim their childhood or teenagehood as girls where they may have been forced to grow up fast or did not experience a pleasant childhood.

However, whilst girlhood is thriving in adult women, I’ve noticed a sheer lack of it in our younger generations. Anyone under the age of 13 is technically a child, but there’s a big difference between a 5 year old and a 10 year old, even though they’re both technically children. This area of late childhood seems to have become almost nonexistent; kids as young as 10 (and probably younger) are taking to social media, doing typically ‘teenage’ things, and generally, acting a lot older for their age. Maturity is never a bad thing, and being mature is usually praised in children. However, children are exactly that; children. As mature as they try to act or look, their brains are still developing and changing. And this peer expectation amongst them to ‘fit in’ is leading to them losing the innocence and magic of childhood.

Of course, kids around this age don’t necessarily engage in childish games anymore (although there’s absolutely no shame to children who do, as I was one of these kids who adored LEGO and imaginary games until I was 13) but they seem to be losing this imaginary magic so early in life. There’s a big stigma around being ‘childish’ (which is silly, because they’re literally a child) so girls are forcing themselves to grow up to fit in with others. I think there’s also an obvious expectation for girls in particular to act mature; the story of boys' childishness being defended due to the fact that they ‘mature later’ comes to mind. Instead of playing at each other's houses, I’ve seen so many young girls spend their time in shopping centres, purchasing expensive makeup and skincare.

I think before we criticise these children for acting this way, we need to remind ourselves that they’re imitating the behaviours we showcase to them. Every child learns behaviours observationally; part of growing up is having mentors, learning what actions are wrong and what are right. And due to the influx of children being on social media, where influencers showcasing these products reign supreme, of course these girls are going to copy these actions. We are what we consume, and as children, our brain plasticity is so much higher, meaning experiences physically impact our brain wiring and influence the way we behave, act and learn much more intensely than as adults. We need to think of this from their perspective. As an adult, if you see an influencer recommending a concealer, you might pause to consider if it’s a paid promotion, if the product is actually worth it. It might take multiple recommendations of the product for you to actually buy it, or you may end up just ignoring it all together. As a child, you see this beautiful, famous person recommending some magical looking face paint; you don’t know about brand partnerships and paid advertisements, but someone much older, with lots of followers and money is telling you it's amazing. Of course you’re going to want it. 

When I first saw a video online, I thought the ‘Sephora kid’ was a myth; a wild species only belonging to the USA, something I would never encounter down here in Australia. However, upon an expedition to my local shopping centre, I realised that this species had somehow migrated to Australia literally overnight; of course, there were differences. These kids were invading Mecca as opposed to Sephora, which is like our national equivalent of a big skincare and cosmetic store. But there were also similarities. 

In particular, the brands that these kids target. Drunk Elephant, Sol De Janiero, Glow Recipe are the main skincare brands I can personally recall, and whilst in my opinion, Sol De Janiero is reasonably harmless with its scented body sprays and body butters, the other two have a few more hardcore ingredients that are not kid friendly.

One of the most popular products that I’ve seen in countless videos of these 10 year olds’ get-ready-with-mes is the Drunk Elephant Protini Polypeptide Cream, which has a fun little pump and costs a not so fun or little price of $109 AUD. And, if you’re like me and not a dermatologist, you’re probably wondering what ‘protoni polypeptides’ actually are. ‘Protini’ is French for ‘protein’, which continues the hilarious never ending saga of (not French) brands using French words to sound fancier. According to Byrdie, “Composed of amino acids, polypeptides work diligently to create proteins which in turn boost collagen production, repair damage, improve skin elasticity, and enhance your overall appearance. These benefits are partly what make it such a popular anti-aging skincare ingredient.” (Jahns, 2023). Now, that sounds amazing, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t want youthful skin? Except the people using this product have youthful skin. Applying anti-aging cream on child skin is like watering a pot of plain soil; there’s no seedling or plant inside that’s going to benefit from this. Both soil and skin may look a little damper afterwards, but that’s about it.

But even though we can tease and criticise and sometimes even downright bully these children, is it actually their fault? They exist on an online platform designed for adults. They are consuming content relevant for their future selves, not their current ones. 

Social media is, as much as everyone rambles on about it, a huge contributing factor. Gen Z was the first generation to grow up with technology; Gen Alpha is continuing this, but with much more intensity. I think there’s also this loop effect; as children see other children going out and hanging out in public spaces without parental supervision, they want to join, and parents are worried about their safety, so they offer technology as a method to look after them, then children see other children with technology, and it becomes the norm for kids to be using mobile phones. Again, it’s not the kids’ fault that they’re growing up and becoming addicted to technology. Kids are not the ones designing tech and social media applications, making them addictive. But the effect of this is real-life relationships have been influenced by this.

Children aren’t socialising the way they used to. Yes, all of us are relying on technology to communicate, but now children are too. The very real, very raw childhood interactions that we used to have are dying, meaning we yearn for that kind of girlhood when we are much older, simply because we missed it. We were too busy trying to grow up fast, because that's what everyone else around us was doing.

Every time I see a child in Sephora, I think of where she will be in ten years. Probably in her early twenties, calling herself a ‘twenty-three year old teenage girl’. It’s a method of healing, yes, but also of mourning. Of missing out on a beautiful experience. And whilst girlhood isn’t limited to childhood, there is a strong association between the two, of innocence and fantasy. Children getting thrown into the reality of the world, ditching their imaginative play and conforming are losing themselves and their personalities.

Above all, treasure your girlhood. You only experience it once.

[reaganlodge]

Hi Mr. Lodge,

I’m always been enamored by your illustrative style and dieselpunk world building of your upcoming novel!

I’ve always aspired to be a notable illustrator, but I always get shy or anxious about sharing my work on the internet or in general especially now with the whole AI art controversy happening, but I do want to build myself up.

What is your advice about sharing an artist’s work?

Hey Retrorubus, thank you so much for the supportive words. Always really encouraging for me to hear from folks like you. AI worries: AI image-scraping is a reality we're going to have to live with from now on. If you're relatively obscure you don't have much to worry about, but artists with bigger brands will more likely be targeted by the Abominable Intelligence. Art theft and piracy have always existed, now it just got worse... But not insurmountable. Remember that AI can only imitate human creations. AI can't imitate what hasn't yet been created. It can't live the life you've had, the sorrows and joys which shaped the art and characters that live in your mind, waiting to be made. Anxiety about sharing art online: Generally I think you should go ahead and start posting some work online, but start small by posting it to only 1 or 2 platforms at first just to get used to it. Try to stick to a schedule too, like picking 1-3 days a week that you'll post a new drawing on even if it's just a sketch. You'll realize soon that there's little to be anxious about. If anyone leaves nasty comments, just ignore or block them. They're never worth your attention when there's so many other good people out there worth getting to know. Don't feel like you have to publicly post everything you draw. I only share about 15% of what I've drawn. The rest is either on my Patreon or unreleased comic pages. If you're still fairly beginner/intermediate with your skill level, don't stress yourself out over getting a big followings or engagement - that all naturally comes with skill, persistence and time. What helped me a LOT when I was new was hanging out on illustration forums and art/animation-themed IRC chats where I could get to know peers in a more chill environment and share our progress on various projects. So yeah, small, art-focused Discord servers or Telegram chats with artists who share your interests might be a good option to look into. Finally, don't worry about being a notable illustrator, just focus on being a good one. Create whatever is truly meaningful and important to you, and you'll have renown among a truly loyal and appreciative following. Anyways I hope this helps. Feel free to ask any follow-on questions, and thanks again!

[fennick-firefox]

Benefits of being a Furry

Being a furry can mean something different to everyone, the one thing we all tend to have in common is enjoying anthropomorphic characters. The fandom offers a wide range of experiences and sense of community that can offer a range of benefits to many people.

For some people, the fandom provides them with a sense of belonging, just like any other fandom, we can connect with others that share similar interests and experiences, which can lead to a supportive social network.

Other people use the fandom for creative expression. The entire fandom revolves around creativity, whether that's through artwork, writing, fursuit designing/making, or many other things! It provides an environment and outlet for artistic expression and allows people to explore their creativity in many different ways.

For some people, being a furry is an important part of their identity, and embracing this identity can foster self-acceptance and help people feel comfortable with who they are.

Furry Conventions and events provide people with opportunities for more social interactions, to meet in person, socialise, and form friendships. These events are extremely enjoyable and enriching experiences for a lot of people in the fandom.

Engaging in the fandom can offer an escape from reality and the stresses of everyday life. Throwing yourself into fantasy can provide a welcome distraction and source of enjoyment.

Being part of the furry fandom can also contribute to personal growth by encouraging individuals to explore new interests, develop new skills, and broaden their horizons.

The furry fandom has been a lifeline for my anxiety. Through this community, I’ve found the courage to make new friends and try things I never thought I could. Furry conventions bring me more joy than anything I’ve ever experienced; the sense of belonging and shared excitement is unmatched. Yet post-con crud is something we almost all experience—missing the connection and energy of the event so much that it leaves us longing for the next one. Without the furry fandom, I would be a shell of who I am today. It has brought me out of my shell and helped me discover who I truly am.

[ina-nis]

There’s a bunch of cool summer events happening around me and I even signed up for some...

I’m sighing here because, even though it’s exactly the kind of stuff I enjoy and in the way that would feel safest and best for me...

I just feel so tired.

The same thing happens, over and over and over again, and I always feel helpless to do anything about it.

I’ll be in a place filled with people. It’s going to be fun and I’ll have a lot of enjoyable conversations and exchange contact information with others. I’ll be between peers, people with shared interests and even identities - in an ideal world, that’s all you need to move forward and connect, right?

Well, I just feel this deep fatigue inside of me.

“Social anhedonia” huh?

I know after all the fun is done and gone, I’ll be left all alone. Again. Having tasted some pure and lighthearted connection for a brief moment, to go back to my current lonesome reality.

I guess the fatigue wins again.

I don’t really feel like doing anything social anymore.

It just wears me out, drains me, depresses me, it’s frustrating and unfulfilling.

I’m in too much emotional pain for any of that make any difference it seems...

It’s not like I didn’t try...

It’s probably because I tried too much, for too long. Now I have this mental barrier that’s hard to get used to or to get over with...

I want romantic love, affection, intimacy, closeness, things that I will not find in any of these places or with any of these people - at least, not immediately.

So I guess, in my mind, it’s like “what’s the point?” of me doing all these things, going all these places, subjecting myself to all these experiences when there’s a very remote, minimal chance that I will get what I need.

I don’t really know!

I know I’m just straight up avoiding people now. I guess I stopped caring long ago... the pain is ruthless and drown out my efforts at finding enjoyment and happiness elsewhere: nothing I do is enough or eases the pain.

I know I should go, I know I shouldn’t just give in... but I just feel so tired!

I ask myself: “do I want to go through this experience?” even though I know it will be fun and I’ll have a good time, and I sigh... because it’s not only going to be fun and enjoyable, the pain comes with me and I’ll feel it much more intensely since being around others is an active trigger so... it’s too bad about the fun, but I’d rather save myself from more pain and more stress, I guess...

In a way, I’m grieving. A lot. I don’t want to give up and I have no intention of doing so and yet... I stopped trying things because I’m emotionally exhausted. Of course, I’ve been doing what I can to lift myself up and increase my emotional energy and good things in general, they help a lot! I’m thankful! They don’t do anything for the pain though, obviously.

I really want to go and at the same time, I really don’t think it’s wise to put myself through more pain. Even more when the happinesses I experience are so sporadic and temporary, they come full of conditions and are nothing I can hold onto for long.

The pain is familiar, the pain is consistent and ongoing. I’ll sleep suffering because of loneliness and I will wake up with it, over and over. It doesn’t pass. It doesn’t go away a little. It’s not temporary. It’s there.

I guess it hurts to reach out when I know these connections will not provide relief, they will only shove at my face how lonely I am.

I’m tired of crying over this.

I’m tired of having my life impacted by this.

I’m tired of thinking about this.

I do what I can. I have my hobbies and many other things I use to cope and for my own amusement too.

They work for as long as I keep on engaging with them, and that’s tiring too, because I’m constantly using my brain and my body, so it doesn’t go anywhere “bad” but it do go anyway - eventually I have to stop trying because I literally can’t keep on doing these things 24/7, and when I do stop... here comes the pain.

I’m tired of putting myself out there. I’m tired of chasing after people. I’m tired of trying so hard to be likeable and friendly. I’m tired of feeling like I’m never good enough in the eyes of others. I’m tired of being relegated roles I didn’t choose and never been seen as a potential love interest. I’m tired of people and tired of the way they treat me, and even more: tired of the way they don’t treat me.

As if I meant nothing.

I deserve to be loved the way I love others.

But I question myself how much I “love” others now.