#idk I just feel like there’s something wrong with me and I kind of want to try for an autism diagnosis
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A few random things I want to talk about regarding Alien Stage bc the brainrot is real
1. The fact that they still let Till win even after he KILLED one of their brethren. His opponent must've been like somewhat bad to lose bc he literally smashed his alien guitar, not only killing an alien (his master idk???) but also showing incredible defiance which is something the aliens don't like??
2. The difference between Till's attitude in Round 6 compared to Round 7... GRANT ME THE SERENITY BC I CANT. In Round 6, Till was depressed and sad and emo and not rebellious AT ALL, which is so out of character for him. He was willing to die simply bc he didn't know if Mizi was dead or alive. BUT in Round 7, he was back to being lively and rebellious again, regardless of his struggle with his memories of Ivan. He still sang to the best of his ability and tried resisting Luka's manipulation.
My guess is that for Mizi, he found no point in living bc of his shallow love for her (this is just my opinion but according to canon, he loved her for her smile and kindness but didn't actually know her well) but with Ivan, he saw how Ivan died for him and didn't want this to be in vain (it kind of was in the end but we don't talk about that 😭) I just thought the difference in Till's attitude during the Rounds with regards to the different loved ones in his life was so distinct and important in some way
3. The way Ivan died for Till. I won't get over it, but it was so tragically beautiful and it makes me cry every time /j. The kiss, first of all AKSNSKAMSL like obviously it was non-consensual but like??? They are humans in an alien world and they know nothing of real love, so I don't think it's that big of a deal.
And secondly, Ivan acted like this on purpose for two reasons. One being that he wanted Till to win and survive and two, he knew that this would be HIS last moments so he wanted to spend it kissing the one he loved. But he could've stopped there couldn't he?? He could've just kissed him and left it at that after he saw the scoreboard BUT NO he fake strangled Till as well bc he wanted to be 100% sure that Till would be safe and alive so he acted violent to ensure his own death.
Bc he could've also stopped "choking" Till after the scores were final BUT he only let go of Till when blood came out his mouth, a for-sure indication that he was the one that was going to die. Even tho it was clear that Till won, Ivan didn't want the system to screw them over and held on until he was too weak to stand before letting go and dying. LIKE??? IDK IF I EXPLAINED THAT PROPERLY BUT I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A SAD DETAIL. Bc you can see how Ivan's eyes visibly softened after he coughed blood, after he knew that he was going to die, after he knew Till's survival was ensured.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk 😔 if I got anything wrong or if you'd like to add something feel free to say something. This is just me screaming about Alien Stage bc wtf was that last Round. Blink Gone is a bop but at what cost?? 😭😭
#ivantill makes me sick#i love them#and the fact that till would never canonically love ivan romantically is so sad bc of his love for mizi#till alien stage#alien stage#alnst#alnst till#alnst ivan#ivantill#alien stage ivan
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im ngl dude i think i might be trans?? but heres the problem
i dont want to be a trans boy. the only gender i realized i would actually ever want is to be a cis boy. like the idea of being trans makes me more dysphoric??? i dont know dude
what i want isnt to pass socially or to "pass" in general. i WANT to be a boy born a boy. i want to burn every single memory of my childhood because its too girl. i want to get rid of every single thing in my house because its too girl. im dysphoric when i look at my stuff or my interests and im dysphoric when i hang out with friends who are girls or even friends who are afab because i fit in too well and im dysphoric when i hang out with guys because it makes me feel like what im saying is too girl compared to them
its gotten so bad to the point that the idea of having gender euphoria is dysphoric to me because it makes me feel like i shouldnt need something like gender euphoria to confirm im a man
im jealous of people who are amab REGARDLESS of their gender identity now its like ????? and that makes me hate myself because that feels so wrong and i kind of feel like an asshole??????
i naturally have a pretty androgynous body and ive had minimal problems passing at least as nonbinary for a while now but i still nit pick every single detail that differentiates me from a cis man. my voice is too high im way too short (i cant fix my height now im 5'2 not because of estrogen but because im east asian) my body curves just slightly too weird my genitals are my genitals etc etc etc etc EVEN THOUGH IVE NEVER EXPERIENCED ANY DISCOMFORT IN MY BODY UNTIL RECENTLY. i still genuinely think im really hot but its just wrong??????fddjs
i recently saw a post that was like "idk im comfortable being trans and im not trying to say im cis im just what i am" but genuinely i dont think i can be a boy if im not cis. if i actually am trans thats just another world of pain that i dont want to be in.
if i had one ask for god and it wasnt for fixing my chronic pain id honestly ask if i could have a dick and peanits to straight up jork in the strip club
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#long post#my love it might be worth it to look into internalized transphobia and see if that resonates you#what ever conclusion u come to the pain u feel is real but i hope it feels a little lighter with time :] <3#internalized transphobia#internalized transphobia mention
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Idk maybe it sounds weird but I wanted to say thank you for openly saying you didn't like some parts of the game. I've seen so many comments like "oh just admit that you actually hate dragon age" when someone is trying to question certain decisions the devs made. I love dragon age, i love each of the 3 games and I love how complex, nuanced and colorful this story has been. I don't hate the new game, I actually love some parts of it - it's just different. It feels different, the writing is different and sometimes questionable, a lot of the things I expected to see were not there, the lore feels a bit altered. It's good that we can all discuss these things I guess
I think most of the people saying those things have me blocked because I haven’t seen any of that (which you know is fair you should curate your own space and all that)
There isn’t a series that means more to me the Dragon Age, it has had a very special place in my heart for 15 years, which is why I held Veilguard in such a high regard before release. It sounds silly to say but these games have gotten me through quite a few hard things in my life and Veilguard is going to get me through another
Veilguard is a fine game for what it is. I love the companions and the combat is fun and it’s beautiful. I yelled in excitement and I cried with grief and sadness several times… but it could’ve been so much more. There were so many things tossed to the side that could’ve been made into something wonderful. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging
It’s not healthy to place something on so high of a pedestal you cannot see its flaws anymore, regardless of how important it is to you
I know I have a few devs following me and it’s not my intention to insult or belittle anyone’s work. You did a great job with what you were given and I’m grateful for that. Veilguard is a different game with a different kind of heart to it, but that isn’t entirely a bad thing. Regardless, we can still be sad about what it could’ve been and what it isn’t
#this is my blog where I put my thoughts and feelings#and interact with other people who want to interact with me in asks like this one#It’s okay not to like every aspect of something and still enjoy it#what I put here is for me if it isn’t something people want to look at then get rid of me no hard feelings#dragon age#dragon age veilguard#dragon age the veilguard#asks for bee#people following me have seen my reactions to the good things as well as the bad#I won’t not acknowledge something about how I feel out of fear it’ll make a stranger angry
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Oh I love that Oswin's demi! I'm ace myself and really appreciated how you distinguished flirt options into single/double hearts so I didn't accidentally choose one that becomes sexual (something that's happened in other games in the past). Thank you, and now it's especially nice that there's someone else on the ace spectrum in game. I'm curious, is a romantic-but-asexual relationship something we'll be able to pursue with all of the ROs? And if so do any find it more of a challenge than others?
Hello dear! I am glad you like that distinguishing feature. I've had times where I about forget to add that second little heart, so I'm really trying to not do that, lol. I wanted to keep symbols easy for me and you too, since IDK how many times I have been reading something and trying to remember what 🌊 🚳 🚽and 🎀 mean. And then I pick the wrong thing and need to apologize to the RO, lol. I love the variety, but it's my memory that is the problem. (*clicks back and forth to the key over and over again)
Oswin has always felt like a demi character to me. It's just right with how he loves and how he thinks.
As for your question, all of the ROs are romanceable without requiring anything sexual. I want to try my best to make physical affection more optional even if the work as a whole doesn't have a touch-aversion feature and such. I want to give agency where I can, and I feel like an asexual relationship should be upheld like that as well.
The ROs that would find that more difficult are Duri and Zahn. Duri will try to coax MC to bed, but they don't have to follow to make them fall in love. Sex is a bit of a coping mechanism for Duri, and when they can't express themselves with words - they want to hop in bed. But they are going to learn some things in their romance because *feelings*. It's a whole thing. Zahn is just a touchy-feely cute gremlin baby, and they have this mindset of "oh, I like/trust this person, lets shag," lol. They are learning a lot about their "deeper" self during this adventure, and their romance ties into that.
Thank you for the kind words my dear, I am so glad that you appreciate our demi swordsman. ^_^
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they could never make me hate you rohan projecthadea of @nyehilismwriting’s Project Hadea fame
#project hadea#rohan#the WAY that some people dislike xem destroys me sometimes ngl#xe’s FACINATING to me#I just support women’s wrongs ig!!!#and even though I feel no urges or desires xe is kind of like a hunted animal to me ♥️#idk!! something about passive visual novel protags who are so rarely truly morally wrong#vs like. mercenary who sold their whole life to a security/weapons company#idk!!!#anyway. this didn’t turn out a lot like I wanted but#fanart#🫁#interactive fiction
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Would you guys call me a spoilsport if I said I don't like the "come to brazil" meme and wish ppl would stop talking about partying & beaches & bikinis whenever they try to "compliment" brazilian culture. 👉🏻👈🏻?
#aghh look it just doesn't sit right with me#it's literally just stereotypes#they might as well say 'stereotyped rio de janeiro' whenever they talk abt brazil like this#bc brazil is a massive country with an array of cultures#and I live far in the brazilian south which is very different from são paulo and rio de janeiro#so it feels even more alienating whenever I see any artists/musicians talking abt brazil#you don't love brazil my man jfjckkc you love this one tiny little tourist corner of it with copacabana and a big christ statue#also abt the come to brazil meme. I can like. tolerate it#but I've seen some ppl use it to be xenophobic online so it just kinda rubs me the wrong way now#sleep.txt#tbh I get this feeling that you're not supposed to say when something like this bothers you bc you're supposed to be#'grateful for the attention'#but like aghgk man idk. it does bother me. I just wanted to talk about it#like ok. imagine someone saying they love the usa#but whenever they talk about it you slowly realize they're just talking about las vegas#and then you're wondering why they're talking as if your entire country is just las vegas#you get what I mean?? that's kind of how it feels to me
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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i think i’m one ‘o them relationship anarchy enjoyers
#marzi speaks#been thinking abt how much less stressful being social has gotten#since i’ve decided to stop giving a shit abt romance and sort of like. accepted i’m arospec#n don’t get me wrong i’m still a hopeless romantic or whatever. but i don’t Need to date someone#and any time i get the opportunity i just get uncomfortable#it’s not the commitment i’m afraid of— i’m very ride or die#i just hate labeling shit like that. if i care for you deeply do i need to identify whether that love is romantic#can i not just love you#idk. shit got easier when i coukd just tell my friends i adored them without worrying abt being misinterpreted#i’m not romance-averse or anything. i’d say i’m romance-favorable#like if someone i really care about says they want to start doing couple things with me. sure 👍#but i don’t like the idea of calling something an explicitly romantic relationship#i’d rather it just be. oh yeah that’s so-and-so we’re close. we’re tight#like i feel like putting a word on a relationship restricts what it’s allowed to look like to a specific standard#and i HATE restrictive standards they drive me nuts !!!#so much less overthinking when it’s just like. ‘ah yes i love xyz person.’ does it matter what kind of love it is. it’s strong either way
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"As excited as I am to have everyone see Kathy Bates deliver another incredible performance, I'm excited for people to be introduced- who don't already know how incredible Skye is." (x)
"I am having the time of my life and Jason Ritter keeps me laughing more than any human being on the planet." (x)
#matlock cbs#matlock reboot#jason ritter#skye p. marshall#listen i rarely watch tv and i HATE that the shows i make gifs of are cbs and prime(FUCK them for supporting genocide)#i just love jason skye david and leah in their employed eras#i want them to have multiple seasons and steady jobs#also i love julian and olympia's chemistry and anyone who know me knows i like exes who may or may not still have feelings for each other#i like that they are TRYING to stay civil and friendly and it seems like there is still love there(i see those smiles and stares)#sorry to elijah(he's pretty) but i prefer this trope to secret office romance(but also they were close friends!!!)#i think julian is covering up for his dad and that's why there's been such tension in his in olympia's marriage but idk#also the fact that jason is not credited in the last episode makes me anxious about something happening to him#maybe i'm wrong and julian was the one who unalived the daughter?(i kind of have a jason ritter bias and am HOPING he's not bad)#i love how in sync jason and skye are and how they seem to share similar humor?#conversely julian and elijah also seem in sync and have chemistry#they should just be a throuple /j#whether this is purely a friendship or ends up being a rekindled romance i'm here for it#wait this show has more than 12 episodes? maybe i'm not worried about him after all#i wanted jason and skye to share scenes as soon as i heard they were cast and to have them be somewhat friendly exes is such a gift to me#there was another interview where skye called jason her emotional support human#also love how happy he is for her whenever she says that this is her cinderella moment#the fact that he seems (jokingly)disappointed that julian fumbled olympia is so funny to me#''fumbled that somehow...''#''YOU LET HER GOT AWAY???'' ''i KNOW! i don't know how...''
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#ok im making one more dot post and then i am (hopefully) getting off tumblr and going to bed#liam payne#death#i do suggest not reading tbh because its just gonna be waffle. anyways#ive distanced myself from the boys for years for a multitude of reasons. mainly that they did things that disappointed me and i realised the#way i was attatched to them was unhealthy. so for the most part i listened and enjoyed the music and didnt pay Much attention to anything#else. and like liam. i always liked him in the band days because to me he was the underdog. the underappreciated and probs less stanned one#out of all of them. and when youre a fan i do feel like a lot of us just wanted them all to be appreciated. idk. but anyways yeah i did feel#for him. due to him backgroud growing up. his talent. etc etc. even though he wasnt my fav. and even when he did something wrong my teenage#self still defended him like my life depended on it. (embarassing) anyways. his solo music while it was not my fav i still occasionally#enjoyed. its just over produced pop like it was fine and i found it fun. in terms of him as an actual person by this point in his career i#didnt pay attention to him or the others that much anymore#and like. yeah as of recently as more stuff came out about him being kinda weird and rude and abusive 🙃🙃🙃 that was kind of the final#straw for me! like in terms of me giving a fuck about him. if he eventually came around cool but i wasnt gonna wait around for it.#god this whole thing feels so dramatic but i need to get it oit or i Know i will not be at peace lmao anyways#so yeah come to hearing about his death which. i hear about because of trin lovell on twitter like. shsvshs. anyways my reaction was#disbelief and just... nothing? like i said in my brain i had just disregarded him honestly. and even now i still just feel speechless.#to summarise my feelings. fuck him for how he treated his ex and probably other women as well. but also. he was my boy. he'll always be a#part of me. and it feels weird that hes just. gone. he suffered a lot with addiction and pressures etc and its just. sad that hes gone now.#that he never got to get better. and he wont get the chance to. im sad for his family. and anyone else thats gonna be affected by this#im always gonna remember him.#and thats all i have to say. honestly part of me feels SO dramatic for even typing all this out but here we are.#if anyone has read this far and wants someone to talk to im more than happy. and also just wanna make clear that i am fine#le text post
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im gonna be real for a second. if fantasy can only be enjoyable to you when removed from any and all real world implications then is it even good
#mileposting#sorry if this seems like its targeting anything i literally just started thinking abt it for no reason#like this is not a vague LMAO but i think its smth ive thought about for a long time and i finally have the words for it#because like. okay for one all stories are based on the human experience whether its About the Human Experience or not#so i think when approaching a work of fiction and seeing something that has implications in real life#a lot of people have the kneejerk reaction of ‘its fantasy/its made up/its not real’#but where did it come from? who was it written by? what are the writer’s personal feelings on the matter and does their bias affect the work#this is just a me thing i guess but i dont find it any fun to see those connections and immediately disregard them#its because of those structures and systems that we can find a fantasy work so compelling#i understand the want to just turn off ur brain sometimes and be like fuckkkk cool dragon#like i fucking love a good dragon or whatever dont get me wrong#i have a world of my own thats literally just Ooh cool shit#but i would not call that compelling. fun maybe. but a lot of the appeal is lost for me#fantasy worlds are mostly just. our history but with fantastical elements to it#they typically are not fantastical worlds with our elements Removed from it#so the way specifically societal structures are treated differently in that aspect is interesting!#idk this is kind of a nothing post also you can tell i got distracted like five times in the middle of writing the tags. smile
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i think i have this fear of being seen as a liar i think. like. everyone does it. and as a kid i stole stuff all the time and the way that was dealt with kinda just fucked with my head. do people see my kindness and my compassion as manipulation? am i read as someone trying to tear down the walls so i can get something while ur guard is down?. idk why someone thinking that of me makes me feel so miserable like. what if they were right? ive made mistakes before.. whos to say they arent right about this time? i dont want to stop being kind but it scares me to think about that.
#im so different to all the people ive met. i know afew kindred spirits. 2 is in my cule and im dating the other#but idk. some part of me Long ago decided that i wanted to bring comfort to people. when i see how rough the world gets..#i know thats something i can do to make people feel better. even if its just 1 person.#what else has there been in my life worth living for. aside from the company it brings and the growth i get to be part of.#i never got to be this kind. i never got to be treated this kindly before i transitioned.#idk. i guess this stuff just makes me think im doing something wrong. am i not supposed to try and make other happy if i seem like a trick?#to me this is what being a woman means for me. in so many ways... maybe thats why it being doubted hurts so much.#anyway.. my blood sugar is low. and its 2am. ily reader. i hope its not too much.
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Thinking about geto because I want to pour milk on him and throw him against the wall. Imo his beliefs are inconsistent and self serving (which makes sense because he developed said beliefs at age 16/17 while his mental health was at an all time low). Because while he seems to have the primary motive of "only sorcerers = no curses" taking into account how he treats Maki, who has no cursed energy, it shows that the "no curses" thing isnt the main focus- bc while he decided on tbe "forced evolution" thing, theoretically he should not be Opposed to ppl w heavenly restriction bc. They still fuckin. Don't contribute to curses from what I can tell. Also heavenly restriction is pretty obviously something that is punished by uh. Is it just the Zenin's who have it. Anyway they hated Maki and they Hated Toji so he clearly isn't standing for "oppressed sorcerers" bc if so Maki should be like. The kind of person he wants to help more, as someone who would be oppressed by ppl who aren't sorcerers as well as the powerful clans.
Anyway. While getting rid of curses is for sure part of his motivation, as well as helping sorcerers (see Nanako and Mimiko) id honestly argue that his main problem that lead to him spiraling was. How do I put this. Being knocked off a pedestal
Because he was one of 3 people given the ranking of "Special Grade", and he and satoru are grouped as "the strongest". And consider that satoru comes from a powerful clan and literally has some weird omniscience and invincibility shit going on so that's a whole fucking. That's gotta be a wild ego boost, especially for someone who comes from a family of ppl who aren't sorcerers. Like you spend all this time being a fuckin weirdo and then someone finds you and it turns out you're actually incredibly special and strong, given the same rank as a fucking God Child? You're gonna have some wild self perceptions after that
Anyway then you get to watch your invincible friend get stabbed, watch the girl you became friends with and feel shitty about kinda ruining the life of get shot, and get your whole shit rocked by some guy who can't even use the magic power bullshit you have. (Though he's got a whole physical thing going on because of the trade off)
Also writing all of this out actually makes me understand the Cult Leader progression more, like besides the fact they killed ur friend and you want em dead. You're probably struggling with your ego (especially since your weird God like friend got a whole power boost from the situation) so you create a fucking eugenicist cult where you can consistently prove your superiority to yourself (surrounding yourself with people who will agree with everything you say).
Anyway in a similar vein I wholely believe in "a loving father is not inherently a good father" Suguru + Nanako & Mimiko dynamic
Final thought is roughly I feel like looking at Suguru thru the lense of "this character had a level of privilege that they felt they truly deserved, and after experiencing events that are genuinely traumatic and horrific for any person, they develop reactionary beliefs to try and regain a sense of superiority and control" rather than "oppressed minority who killed oppressors and wants to do eugenics"
#Eugenics TW#cult TW#ask to tag#Suguru when I catch you#Anyway this was me thinking Abt the fact that Toji ISNT a normal human. He just can't use jujutsu. He's like supernaturally powerful anyway#So Geto's whole shit is like. Pretty misdirected. Though also personal thought is I don't think His parents were good (and he's projecting#That onto every other person who's not a sorcerer) mostly cause like. Going straight to murdering your parents is not really expected#Progression in eugenics id think? Bc if you posit urself as the ''superior'' person theoretically ur parents should also b part of that#Bc genetics or whatever. Idk how genetic sorcery shit is but even tho his parents Weren't sorcerers usually ppl would make excuses I think#So. Basically I feel like he probably did not have a great relationship w them. Not that that makes him any better more just like. Thinking#Through what's happening in his head...why the fuck did he decide on a different last name for that woman. WTF is wrong with him#I am suguru's number 1 LOVER and his number 1 HATER. I'm suffering bc none of the fanfic makes him enough of a bitch#It's really fucking something bc like. Looking at him as someone who's had similar thought progressions and is unlearning the kind of toxic#Black/white extremist thinking he has going on. It's cathartic in a way to deconstruct that and be able to analyze my own thoughts as well#But then no one is putting in the effort to actually engage with his ideas and the flaws in them (INCLUDING THE AUTHOR.)#Anyway most people when they have a crisis and reach an extremely bad mental health situation would join a cult rather than take over a cul#But suguru is different. That's why I love him and also why I'm going to break his ribs.#Diversity win this autistic trans guy fucking sucks so bad you want him dead#I need to tag these damn posts w something but I'm too lazyyyu
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mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"
me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"
mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"
me: "...my thing?"
mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"
me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"
mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"
me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"
AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!
#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good#not the worst definitely not the worst#just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.)#and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama''#number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu#my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything#and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that!#im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me#''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP.#i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind#like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.''#and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/''#mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over#i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family#this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!!#i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!!#i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible#i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out#i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose#i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!!#i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts#i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them#sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay#im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon#just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid#it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!!#or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that#suicide tw#abuse tw#ed tw
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honestly the biggest Competing Access Needs issue that I personally have run into in online spaces is this:
people need, deserve, and should have space to complain and critique. that includes critiquing things that I (and they!) care about and find valuable, in order to make them better. those conversations are often necessary and healthy, and they should be allowed to happen.
however, I find those kinds of conversations incredibly stressful, often outright upsetting. especially when it involves people I like/respect arguing with or criticizing other people I like/respect. my instinct is to try to mediate and smooth things over and acknowledge the points of both sides, but often that’s either not my place to do or would be actively unhelpful. so I just end up torn in the middle of what feels to me like a barrage of negativity, filled with the unhelpful desire to be like “can’t we just all get along????”
the only and best solution to this is for me to just remove myself from conversations like these, and I’ve gotten better at that, but. It’s still difficult for me to deal with, even though I know that despite my hangups, it’s sometimes better for those conversations to happen than not.
#stars rambles#yes this is partly about convos that have happened on discord but I want ppl to know that I’m not @ing anyone specific about this#like i don’t think anyone’s in the wrong here#even though I would like to avoid any semblance of conflict. I know that would be bad for other people#but I did want to say this because I feel like. idk. in the moment the best thing I can do is shut up and walk away#so I wanted to express this outside of that very charged context#it’s not just about discord to be clear#sometimes it’s about things I see on Tumblr (or complaints on Tumblr that have been exported from discord)#sometimes it’s about irl organizations that I’ve been a part of where I’m like#I love this space deeply#and I know it has flaws and that there should be room for critique#but I want to defend what I love about it#this is definitely an area for personal growth for me too#but it’s not gonna go away overnight#and i've also seen it come up with other people in ways that just aren't avoidable#sometimes you love something and want to talk about how you love it#and someone else is annoyed by it and wants to talk about that#and there's no easy way for both of those conversations to happen in a way that doesn't hurt someone#and i don't feel like that kind of competing need is one that i see brought up a lot#anyway#vent#drafted this and left it to sit and now i am queuing it for the future so it will not seem associated with any one conversation#because it's not really about one thing#q2q
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i feel like half of my posts are just hidden from other people's dashes bc like 80% of what i post is just not seen by anyone
#and i hate feeling like im begging for attention#i hate making posts like this#its just i get. really scared. like im either doing something wrong or i just suck or im not fun#i hate feeling alone and isolated it's. one of my worst fears#and i don't know what to do in these situations#i hate feeling like i have to constantly remind people i exist at all it scares the hell out of me#but also i feel horrible and stupid for just crying about nobody liking my stupid fucking posts#i don't use any other social media this is the only place i interact with people so this is kind of all i get#and i started posting more bc i thought maybe if i just do that I'll get something#but it feels like every note i get is solely for that one popular post i have and nothing else#i dont like. need comments or reblogs just like. idk. seeing the 0 notes makes me feel invisible like i never posted#i feel like exactly 5 people ever interact with me and even then it's only on a few posts#am i doing something wrong? did i break some unspoken rule i didn't know about again? i don't know#am i just annoying#i#i just#we've been so so blurry lately and we keep begging for people to talk to us so we don't forget our system completely#because we don't keep track of this stuff without external motivation so we need to talk about ourselves to someone#we lost our only system irl bc they turned out to be a predator and now we have nobody to talk about system stuff to#i just . want a friend to talk to#i just want to talk to anyone
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