#I’m not attracted to them like that tbh

[mywritersmind]

THE FAT MAN IN THE RED - LN4

summary : Lando Norris promised two hours of his night to wave to little ballerinas and have them whisper their wishes to him in a Santa costume. His night starts looking up when a woman his age lands on his lap.

listen up : no warnings tbh! suggestive jokes SORRY ITS SO SHORT I WAS GONNA WRITE A LOT BUT ITS ALREADY CHRISTMAS TO HAVE THIS

words : 692

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“Oh please! Come meet Santa!” My little sister Mari tugs on my hand. She’s in a little pink tutu and a slick back bun, her ballet shoes have been changed into her usual converse.

We’re at an after party/fundraiser for her ballet show, the kids were all surprised by a man dressed as santa. She was adorable, a tiny Clara!

Mari skips off with her friends as I turn to mine. Kat downs her drink, “I need another one. Too many kids around.” I laugh and clink her already empty champagne glass.

We walk off to the bar, looking up at the giant chandelier and sprawling stairways. This theater is beautiful, kids in costumes and glitter run around while the society of Monaco gossips and laughs in their presence.

We grab more champagne, smoothing out my dark plum dress and almost twisting an ankle with these silver heels my sister begged me to wear.

“Y/n!” Mari yells, hopping up and down, in line to meet the big man himself. Or… a knock off.

“Oh my.” Kat elbows me, “I’d let him slip down my chimney-” I scoff loudly and laugh, hitting her arm.

“What about that french boy you met?” I raise a brow, my eyes lingering on the man whose face is partially covered by a white wig and beard.

“Oh I see him.” She winks as I giggle, “Come on then, you must meet this cute santa!” I groan as she drags me to the back of the line, “I’ve heard whispers… he’s twenty six.” She whispers as I watch two F1 drivers walk past us.

“I am not sitting on his lap!” I laugh, shaking my head and sipping my drink, Kat grips my arm and pulls me to the front next to Mari.

“What are you asking for?” Mari asks me, clapping her little hands together and tapping her feet.

Her friends touches my dress, “This is so pretty!”

“I heard he’s famous.” One of the ballerinas behind us says just as I get pushed onto the little stand and an elf guides me.

He looks at me, all dressed up and in a whole fat suit. I can’t help but laugh as I get helped onto his lap. I honestly feel horribly awkward, “Sorry… my friend made me.”

His eyes are green, the kind of striking color that stops your thoughts. He tugs down his fake beard, exposing his face and smile.

A very attractive face and smile. “Don’t worry. Are you gonna make me do the voice?” He's got freckles and an accent.

I smile softly, “There’s a voice?”

“What are you asking for this christmas?” He says it in a deep santa like voice.

I laugh, “That’s good.”

“Why thank you…” I raise a brow at his trailing off, “I need a name to match the pretty face, and for the address of your gifts, I suppose.”

Oh he’s a flirt. “Y/n.” I nod, “You gonna make me call you santa?” His fingers brush the side of my hip.

“I’m not that into role playing…” He shakes his head and I spot a tiny dark curl by his ear, “Okay the elf’s are about to get mad. What would you like for Christmas, Y/n?”

He says my name, looking me dead in the eye. Shit I think I might be attracted to Santa.

I bite my lip, “How about, what time Santa gets off?”

His smile shifts into a smirk, “Christmas came early, I guess. Ten.”

He meets me in an empty hallway, Its almost hard to tell if it’s him because of his change in clothes.

He's in a black suit, bowtie and everything. He’s far more agreeable without the white hair.

In fact, the white is replaced with real curls. Dark curls cut into a nice mullet that suits his face. It was in fact a fat suit that I can now clearly see was horribly fake.

I have a sneaking suspicion that tonight is going to be extra interesting now. His hands go to his pockets, that smile on display again for me. “I’m Lando.”

[yuckiemouth]

help a girly out here and teach me how to masturbate step by step pls

TMI/OPEN THOUGHTS

Let’s see… I haven’t masturbated in a while because I be busy and my sleep schedule is actually giving me justice, but when I use to stay up, I’ll tell you what I did step by step… man I feel like a teacher 😭

1. PRIVACY

this is obvious, but some idiots get caught, so yeah if you’re able to, LOCK your door, me in a strict house hold, I don’t even have locks, but I never got caught either. So if you don’t have locks on your door or unable to even close it (cuz some parents be doing that), go to the bathroom or better yet, wait til everyone sleep.

If you’re a moaner, pillow rider, vibrator user, dildo user, turn your TV UP!!! Even if you don’t moan, big mama makes SQUELCHING noises, I’m talkin she be wet, so you don’t want no one walking past and be like “WTH?”

2. GET AROUSED.

mindlessly masturbating is such a waste, so I say really set the mood. Turn off the lights or dim them, or better yet LED lights. Optional if you wanna wear sum sexy. To get aroused properly, watch something that you’re attracted to, whether its lesbians, straight sex, BBC, roleplay, etc. whatever that ain’t my business, but if you aren’t able to (say if your parents took your device or your internet is just trash.) USE YOUR IMAGINATION. While imagining whatever you fantasize, caress your inner thighs, knead or suck your own tits, suck your fingers, slowly rub your clit through your underwear, etc.

3. HOW TO MASTURBATE 101 🤓

I ain’t no fingering ass bitch cuz I don’t feel a fuck thing so… As WOMEN, we should know where the clit is (I hope cuz if not where tf have you been?) anyway…. Depending on your anatomy, your clit has a hood (heavy skin) because it’s so fucking sensitive bro. I found out people don’t be feeling nun when they rub big mama is because y’all ain’t pulling the hood up, the mf ain’t cold, take the hood off!! BUT I MUST WARN YOU. Don’t rub yourself too hard because it could be hurtful and could possibly lose feeling on your clitoris, so if you’re rough with your fingers or overly sensitive, keep the hood over it, but if you’re not, PULL IT UP.

Now using your MIDDLE and RING fingers, it’s different strokes people use. The most commonly used one is circulating around it and rubbing side to side. But I’ll tell a little secret.

The way I get off involves 3 techniques.

First, I start off slow, controlled, and even roll my hips with it. Now after some time, I’m aroused, using my arousal as lube y’all hear me out… then i stimulate more by going faster, but soft on the touch. Once I feel like I’m ready, I press harder and go all out, then GOT YA! I’m a edger! I stop when I’m about to cum and slap it a bit to keep her stimulated. Yeah, yeah I know, I get mad TOO when I feel my high go down, but repeating it like 4 times, best nut you’ll experience.

So I circulate, go side to side, and spank her cuz why not. When I’m real horny and feeling rushed, it takes me 10 minutes, but if I have time, 30+.

4. HOW TO CLEAN UP

Now…. Me, this is from experience, I be all over the place. So I go to the bathroom, flush away that water weight, wash my hands and if you’re a squirter (which im not), girl you should already have a towel under you cuz who feel like changing sheets tbh… and NEVER masturbate with underwear, take them off before you even start.

Now people hate talking about it, but YES, masturbating has a smell and you probably won’t smell it because you’re the one doing it, but if another person walk in, they will smell a musky scent SIMPLY because your vagina is an open ORGAN closed with thighs, and you know what creates that? Heat! And you know what heat creates on your body? Sweat. And what SHOULD sweat smell like (since y’all be dirty a lil). MUSK. So to eliminate that smell around the whole room, keep your lower half under covers, use a candle, spray air freshener, keep the air on, inscents or whatever those are called. WHATEVER JUST BLOCK OUT THE SMELL.

And that’s all I got tbh….

[sea-lanterns]

tbh how did you find out you were lesbian if ydm asking bc i enjoy hearing peoples coming out stories its so cute <3

Tbh, I always knew as a child that I liked women, but it took me a while to warm up to the idea of exclusively dating women (plus nonbinary people) because I wanted to be open to dating everyone 😅

Unfortunately for men, I just could not find myself super attracted to them compared to women. All my crushes up until now have been women or nonbinary people, and it took me a while to realize that “yeah, I’m never getting with a man and liking it” so I figured it was time to remove the label of pansexual and relabel myself as lesbian.

So, there you have it! It’s nothing special or anything, I never had a big surprise or shock that I liked girls, because I always did! Little Angey had always found girls pretty and just accepted it 🩷

[aishabellasbigblogofeverything]

I don’t mind non-Black people having this discussion because these comments aren’t all from Black girls. Some of them are from mlm lol. I get now how it looks like it tho bc of the first image but yeah. Still this reply is very out of pocket and tone deaf imo so go off if you must. No shit I fucking know WHY people want Luigi Mangione’s Italian dick in them. Trust me, I know. I just find it super unnecessary, cringeworthy, and pathetic to see this mass obsessive response from people over an average-looking white guy just because he fulfills their bad boy fantasy(and a lot of these comments are very sexually explicit and border on objectification, tbh, that’s a real flesh-and-blood person you’re talking about, not a fictional character!). I don’t even think a lot of these people care about what he did tbh, since so many of them believe that he’s being falsely accused. They just care that he’s hot and have an attraction towards violent and unhinged men(regardless of whether it was for a good cause or not). They see a man grab a gun and shoot someone and go apeshit even though the only reason he was able to accomplish what he did in the first place is because he is a conventionally attractive cisgender white man with a shitload of privilege and wealth who had the means and the time to plot and carry out this murder. It’s honestly so uncomfortable to see the parasocial obsession people have with him. Do you actually care about ending late-stage capitalism or are you just a lonely horndog who reads too much Wattpad smut and can’t conceive of the fact that fiction does not always imitate reality? Which one is it??? What makes you think Luigi Mangione would even be attracted to you back in the first damn place? Don’t be naïve. It’s just so awkward and mind-boggling to see honestly, I just think that most of these people simply aren’t thinking straight and lack common sense lol, I’m seeing people singing “Mama I’m in Love with a Criminal” by Britney Spears in reference to him. They’re just obsessed with killers and that’s it. It’s so dumb.

And yes I love that sub but it is def so self-hating, istfg if I see one more “I hate being a Black girl because nobody wants us, I’ll never be attractive or feminine next to my non-Black friends” typa post then I’m going to scream. 😩

Motherfuckers are really out here lusting after Luigi Mangione??? Why??? He’s not that attractive! Maybe it’s just bc I’m a lesbian idk but I don’t see it. Apparently Reddit would tell me otherwise because just take a look at this preposterous shit:

Y’all are disturbing as all hell. Get help, and some self-respect while you’re at it, too. Please. 🙄

[jasperyourmutt]

Coworkers at the tattoo shop were calling for me to do a Task and I was in another room so they didn’t know where I was

when I came back out one of them was like “we should get him a collar with a little bell so we always know where he is”

Hahahahahaha yeahhhhh what a funny crazy idea. You guys are so silly. Anyways I already have the collar so you guys just have to supply the bell

[thepunkmuppet]

I know basically nothing about rowena, but I now finally get what people mean about shipping things aesthetically. because what do you MEAN love of my life sam winchester, 6”4, deeply damaged but lovely straight white dude-man, has a cute, interesting and disgustingly tragic relationship with A TINY GINGER SCOTTISH WITCH WHO’S THE MOTHER OF A RECURRING VILLAIN AND PLAYED BY AN ACTRESS WHO’S OLDER THAN HIM????? WHAT??? I NEED THAT IN MY LIFE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

like what is this. I love it. I’m obsessed. enemies to friends to lovers, height difference, age difference, and just generally UNCONVENTIONAL AS FUCK for a straight ship??? spectacular gimme fourteen of em right now

[shorlinesorrows]

don’t be a coward

*aroaces your rottmnt leo*

[itspileofgoodthings]

my romantic self-esteem is just absolutely rock-solid. for whatever reason!

[flandesuka]

“omg we need male idols in the next splatoon game 🥺” you fuckers could barely handle big man

[cuteniaarts]

Behold, my latest and most enamouring new obsession:

Malina, Lady of the Chief of the Northern Water Tribe. As if Red Lotus child OCs weren’t niche enough

[033h]

I’ve always felt like my relationship with romantic love was so different from everyone else’s, in some ways I feel the same as when I was a teenager because it’s never felt like it could be fully real to me. I genuinely believe I have qualities of a loveable person but that I will never find someone compatible with me, like all the minimum conditions will never be met. And honestly the barrier of anxiety has always been higher than the reward of going on apps and dates after a month or so.

When I was in my one and only relationship years ago I really hoarded and treasured every little moment and nice thing because I thought I would never experience it again (and so far I’ve been right). Even though I don’t even miss that person and it was short, I’m happy that I treasured that little opportunity to experience what I feel like will never be real for the adult me. I want that kind of love but I never expect it to become real for me specifically.

[gloriousmishaps]

i love being queer in the least aesthetic way possible. i love being queer in the kind of way that makes other queer people hate me ❤️

[streetfarterturdstrike]

I actually love the fact that characters like Ken and Terry are a lil “ugly” in the realistic style

It gives them human charm that impossibly “perfect” anime cartoon characters cant have

[yappacadaver]

Why are all the game bros complaining that there’s no baddies in dragon age 4 when neve is right there fr

[graevs666]

had a date w this guy tht lasted 9 and a half hours 💀 he’s not my usual type but he seems so nice and funny I had a rlly good time!

[gregmarriage]

okay, but dealing with depression and anxiety from a young age completely rots your brain and tricks you into thinking/believing things about yourself that simply aren’t true. for example: i spent literal YEARS thinking i was the ugliest motherfucker alive, like my face was FUCKED. and now, i’m in my twenties and i’m like, bruh you are the most normal looking guy ever