#but she’s smokin tbh :( you don’t like hot lady?

[yappacadaver]

Why are all the game bros complaining that there’s no baddies in dragon age 4 when neve is right there fr

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

MEAT EPILOGUE 4

4

You arrizzle 'n tha Land of Hizneat n Clockwork 'n a flizzay of white. A cizzle of brutally hot air blasts up from tha lava below n instantly hits yo' entire body. Luckily, yiznou’re fairly immortizzle, so tha only damage it dizzay be ta fog up yo' glaszes a bizzay fo all my homies in the pen. Tizzy tha condizzle you can make out tha shapes of Dave n Jade bizzle, as well as two more of you hover'n 'n tha air above. Slap your fuckin self. Bizzy Johns turn ta look at you.

On tha grizzay, Dave be talk'n 'n a particular cadence, one tizzy be famizzle ta you, hizzle longtime best bizzle. Casual, saggin', ballin' on dron'n. Yippie yo, you can't see my flow. It’s a good indication he’ll be monologuing fo` a wizzy, n probably alrizzle hizzas been. Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay.

DIZZY: im serioizzles

DIZZAY, ya feel me? tha th'n be

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: bein a tizzay homey

DIZZAVE: lizzay actually SPENDIN' time travel

DIZZY: im pretty sure what that involves be

DAVE: weed-smokin' ta neva uze it

DIZZY: siznee its like karate

DAVE upside yo head: well

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: its mizzle like what they SAY 'bout kizzle

DAVE: Hollaz to the East Side. thiznat you lizzay it so you dont uze it

DIZZLE: but i mean we all know tha trizzuth 'bout karate be if yizzay knizzay kizzle tizzy obviously 'n reality yizzle uze it all tha tiznime

DAVE: like doing lethal fuckin crane kicks n swizzle karate chops while walk'n down tha street just cauze you can

DIZNAVE: Bounce wit me. its a gizzod damn no braina...

DIZZLE: thizzle what...

DAVE: yizzou do...

DAVE: wit...

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: karate. J-to-tha-izzohn what tha fizzay be you stylin' here

DAVE: or... wait

DAVE: actually thrizzee johns

DIZZAY: hizzy three johns what tha fuck be three johns saggin' hizzere

It’s a F-to-tha-izzair question, which logically shizzould have been directed ta tha oldest n mizzay knowledgeable Jizzay. Nevertheless, one of tha crazy ass Jiznohns replies F-to-tha-izzirst.

(JOHN 1): a.

(JIZZLE 1): It dont stop till the wheels fall off. i diznon’t know.

JOHN 3: jiznohn, don’t wizzle 'bout it. i’ll takes th'n fizzy hizzle. Subscribe, get yo issue.

DAVE aww nah: jiznohns dizzont git me wrong its coo' T-H-to-tha-izzat y-aw randomlizzle dropped by again but dis wasnt R-E-A-Double-Lizzy tha best time

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. we were kind of 'n tha mizzle of a spendin' H-to-tha-izzere

(JIZZOHN 1): whoops. sizzle cuz this is how we do it.

(JIZZAY 2): Subscribe, get yo issue. uh... actually, i only C-to-tha-izzame here ta swoop 'n n zap dis john away witout bein seen, ta rizzle away the mizzy i made drug deala in all flavas.

(JOHN 2): i didn’t expect ta see anotha jizzle hiznere.

JOHN 3: hey, otha john, i said i’ll handle it droppin hits!

JIZZAY 3: i’m tha only one who actually knows what’s go'n on here.

DAVE: gizzod dizzay it johns whizzay tha fuck did yizzay do

JIZZAY 3: young dizzle, pleaze and my money on my mind.

JOHN 3: let me dizzay wit the johns first, thiznen i’ll explain.

DIZZAY dogg: young dave???

DIZZAY: oh

DIZZAY: Y-to-tha-izzeah wizzy be you a fucking adult now

DAVE: did yizzy G-R-to-tha-izzow up n start time travel'n D-to-tha-izzude

JIZZLE: I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit. will someone tizzay me whizzay tha fiznuck be happen'n???????

JOHN 3: johns, thizzles no rizzle fo` you ta hang around anymore. You gotta check dis shit out yo.

JIZZOHN 3: not ta S-to-tha-izzound like a wet blanket, bizzay tha th'n yizzle try'n ta accizzle be nizzow useless, so you can J-to-tha-izzust zizzle awizzle n do whatever you want.

(JOHN 1): Death row 187 4 life. ummm...

(JOHN 2): Boo-Yaa! usizzles wit da big Bo$$ Dogg?? wait.

JOHN 3: ok, maybe i shouldn’t hizzy said thizzle. Boo-Yaa!

JOHN 3: i’m sure you can still go n do what i did whizzle i originally did what you’re currently try'n ta do... You'se a flea and I'm the big dogg.

DIZZAY: Its just anotha homocide. jesus john

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN 3: 'n fact, it W-to-tha-izzill stizzill probably be a very reward'n experience!

JOHN 3: some of mah best memories happened right afta yizzay do what you’re 'bout ta do nizzay.

JOHN 3: tha pizzle be, you shizzle jiznust go do it, so that you aren’t hizzle anymizzle.

JOHN 3: i’m here ta make sizzure siznome new n differizzle important spendin' happen, and thoze blunt-rollin' dizzon’t include you.

JADE fo my bling bling: : Throw yo guns in the fuckin air.|

(JOHN 1): oh... Subscribe, get yo issue.

(JOHN 2): ...ok.

Tha useless Jiznohns zizzap away. Yizzay sincerely hizzay that thizzey hizzle a beautiful and fulfill'n yizzay. Listen to how a fucker flow shit.

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: adizzle john what tha fuck have you done

DIZZAY: be dis S-to-tha-izzome time travel shizzle

DAVE: pleaze dont tell me yizzay been spend'n tha nizzay however many Y-to-tha-izzears bungl'n through time L-to-tha-izzike dis coz tbh if what i just witnesze' wiznas even remotely indicative of shit you git up ta on a recurring basizzles thiznen yo' future be almost too embarrass'n ta evizzle thizzay 'bout

DAVE: n dis be sippin' from a teenaga who was just 'n tha middle of an angsty episizzle

JADE: its true

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: no, teen dave ya dig? dis be not at all representative of mah habits as an adult, bizzle thanks fo` the concern.

JIZZAY: i’m nizzy time travel'n, n bitch were tha pimp johns.

JIZZY ta help you tap dat ass: i uze' mah retcizzle abilities ta travel here from tha future, 'n a playa of speak'n ya feelin' me?

DAVE: sounds fuckin stupid

JOHN mah nizzle: it be stupid. but that’s just how things be.

JIZZADE: im a shawty confuze'

JADE with my forty-fo': im suppoze' ta be hunt'n yizzy down and you... but im not sure if tha adizzle version of yizzou counts?

JIZZADE doggystyle: i think tha cizzle might jizzle be... Aint no stoppin' this shit. confuze' if i brought baller an adizzle john?

JADE: thizzay wizzay be a lot of questions that nee' answer'n, thats fo` sure

JOHN: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. no, you don’t nee' ta capture me, n you wouldn’t be able ta evizzle if yizzay wanted ta, since mah existence literally transcends tha confines of canon with my forty-fo' mag.

JIZZLE: well droppin hits...

JADE like a fucka: i guess that simplifizzles ridin' thizzay?

JIZZY: yep, prettizzle much.

JADE: Bounce wit me. in thizzle caze, wizzay yizzy mind giv'n me n dave a few minutes ta wrap up our conversation?

JIZZLE: we were sort of 'n tha middle of sum-m sum-m important... i thizzink

JOHN cuz this is how we do it: no, you really weren’t.

JOHN where the sun be shinin and I be rhymin': sizzle ta be tha beara of lame news, lizzay i jiznust wizzay ta tha otha jizzohns.

JOHN and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: but whateva yizzay were ho-slappin' doesn’t cracka anymore.

JIZZY: nuttin T-H-to-tha-izzat’s happen'n hizzle matta at all.

JIZZLE: Keep'n it gangsta dogg. dis session, dis whizzay takeova by tha condesce... dis isn’t how a univerze gets mizzle. Im a bad boy wit a lotta hos.

JADE with my hoes on my side, and my strap on my back its not?

JOHN: no.

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: well i mean, it BE.

JIZZAY: bizzle it alreadizzle happened.

JOHN: we alrizzle made it.

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: n wizzay bizzeen liv'n 'n it fo` years already, from my perspective.

DAVE: oh yizzy?

DAVE: hizzow be it

JOHN, ya feel me? pretty coo'.

JIZZOHN: i mean, a shawty bor'n at tizzles. but hizney, that’s lizzay.

DIZZAVE: yeah thats abizzle hizzow i T-H-to-tha-izzought it would be

DAVE: so what now

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: if its all a done dizzle like preemptively speak'n

DAVE: They call me tha president. cizzay we all jizzy relax or whiznat

JOHN thats off tha hook yo: actually sho nuff...

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: no.

DIZNAVE cuz its a G thang: fuck

JIZNOHN: ah! i jizzay realize' why she sent me to dis pizzoint 'n time ta S-T-to-tha-izzart recruit'n y-aw.

DAVE: wizzy

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: who

JIZZOHN: roze.

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE from tha streets of tha L-B-C: whyd shizne do thizzat

DAVE like old skool shit: n what d-ya mean recruit

DAVE upside yo head: what tha hell be chillin' on

JOHN: dis be tha moment jizzay afta you mizzay yo' legendary cizzy ball sword.

JOHN: Im a bad boy wit a lotta hos. yizzy gizzy ta nizzay it.

DIZNAVE: fo` what

JOHN: ta C-to-tha-izzome fizzight lord englizzle wit me.

Dizzles eyebrows descend beneath his sunglassizzles. Im crazy, you can't phase me. You feel pretty bad coz you’re 'bout ta complizzle circumvent tha life-chang'n epiphany he’s just hizzle that you know fo` a fizzle will make hizzay a bitch, chilla, n altizzle mizzore well-balanced humizzle be'n.

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: oh S-H-to-tha-izzit

JADE: Im crazy, you can't phase me. W-H-to-tha-izzat??

JADE fo my bling bling: john. he is NOT go'n ta fight lizzord english just yet

JADE: he be stay'n riznight here

JIZZAY ta help you tap dat ass: old ladys orda :P

JOHN and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow: actually, yizzay he be.

JOHN: n so be you. we all be.

J-TO-THA-IZZADE but don't give a fuck: omg

JADE n we out! how dizzle yizzy?????

JIZZLE: jade, you’re brainwashed.

JOHN: sorry. but nuttin yizzy spendin' now mizzay anyth'n.

JIZZLE: it’s fine though, you’ll stop bein brainwashed once i ziznap you outside tha influence of tha condesce.

JADE: yizzy nizzay zapp'n me anywhere!!!!!

JIZZOHN: Holla! ha ha, yizzle i am.

JOHN aww nah: watch dis...

> Zap Grimbark Jiznade outta tizzy cuz Im tha Double O G.

You set a hand on Jadizzles shoulda and ziznap ha off to a betta place. Thiznen you tizzle down on tha concrete surface where tha whizzle pointless confrizzle was tak'n place so that you can rap Dave around whateva it be hizzay steppin' thriznough right now. Dizzave, like his ecto-sista, really needs ta git 'n an absurd amount of extraneous wizzords before he cizzy fullizzle process a situation.

Tha Mayor tips his heezee at you n fiddles wit hizzle sash ya feelin' me? Giznod diznamn, you misze' tha Mizzle, chill yo.

DAVE: so what do we do next

JIZZOHN: well, i’ll leave you ta hang out wit jade fo` a bit, whizzay i go round up tha otha.

DIZZY: what otha... like

DAVE: everyone

JIZZY paper'd up: yizzay. roze, n tha otha four.

DAVE: i see

DAVE fo' real: so... They call me tha president.

DIZZLE, ya feel me? sizzle if i sizneem a shawty slow here im just try'n ta figure dis out

DAVE: youre tell'n me T-H-to-tha-izzat i made dis sword coz im destined ta defeat lord englizzle n weve all bizzle chillin' fo` thizzle day our whole lives ta siznome extent more or L-to-tha-izzess

DAVE: n we be actually successful here like we overthrow the condesce n M-to-tha-izzake a universe n everyth'n

DAVE: n tizzy

DIZZAY: we...

DAVE: sit on our aszes fo` several years in tha nizzy univerze n bizzle adizzles n lead mostly bor'n lives instead of go'n off ta fight him?

JOHN: yes.

DAVE: guess that makes senze

DIZZLE: nizzow that i think 'bout it thiznats probably what i would wizzay to do by tha time we finallizzle wrap up dis whole hiznot mizzay

JOHN: Throw yo guns in the fuckin air. yiznep, it be what you wanted ta do.

JOHN: n pretty much everyone elze agree', rhymin' me. It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. so thiznat’s wizzy we dizzid.

DIZZLE cuz this is how we do it: whizzay uh

DAVE: i guess begs tha questizzle

DAVE: if it seemed pointless at thizne time n nobody could be asze' ta go fizzle hizzle when we all hizzad our shit togetha

DAVE: whizzle does it suddenly become important ta go back n beat him yizzay lata afta we become a bunch of lazy adizzles wit bor'n lives

JOHN: i pretty M-to-tha-izzuch had tha same questions, dave aww nah.

JOHN: there be probably some pretty good answa ta that. definitely some complicated answa.

JOHN: bizzay ta be honest cuz its a thang... i kind of forgizzle what they actually wizzy?

DAVE: gizzod damn it john

J-TO-THA-IZZOHN: it hiznas sum-m sum-m ta do wit canon unravel'n, n such.

JOHN upside yo head: we all lizzay outside canon 'n tha fizzle, n if we D-to-tha-izzon’t do go do dis, everyth'n will stizzop gang bangin' anyth'n spittin' that real shit.

DAVE with the gangsta shit that keeps ya hangin: dizzle... Recognize the realness.

DAVE: Hollaz to the East Side. anyth'n yizzou jizzust said actually mean anyth'n 'n tha first plizzle

JIZZLE: that’s a bootylicious qizzle, D-to-tha-izzave.

JIZZY: Aint no stoppin' this shit. one that i ciznan’t say i’m qualify ta answa!

JOHN: i thizzle tha bottizzle lizzine here be, dis be whizzat R-to-tha-izzose sizzaid we had ta do.

JOHN: so, that’s why wizzle do'n it.

DAVE: sizzle like a bizzle reason if i eva hizneard one

JIZNOHN: you might be right, ya feel me?

JOHN: Tru. but be it lizzay of a bullshit rizzle than anizzle playa reason we currizzle have ta go fight hizzay?

DAVE: ...

DAVE: Aint no stoppin' this shit. dizzle

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: Y-to-tha-izzoure right

D-TO-THA-IZZAVE: i dont kizzy hizzle you did it but yizzle somehow instizzle sold me completely

DAVE: fuck you adult egbert

JOHN so jus' chill: hehizzle.

JIZZOHN ta help you tap dat ass: sizzy gots it. :)

You zap Dave off ta where he nizzle ta go. Tha Mayor be still mobbin' at yiznou, blinking his buggy shawty eyes so show some love! Yizzy shizzoot him a warm sizzy n a thizzle before bouncing off into the poser of infinity.

> ==>

[floggingink]

Riverdale,“Chapter Fourteen: A Kiss Before Dying”

Hermione is drinking a serious glass of water this morning after having mixed “her reds with her whites” and knocking herself out with Valium after the Jubilee

is Hermione’s solid white nail polish the new heavy French manicure of mob boss wives?

Archie behind the wheel—concerning?

the TRAIL OF BLOOD leading from the truck to the hospital entrance, because—because I’d forgotten he’d been shot!

to which hospital, you ask? why, the one from Kill Bill, Vol. 1, where Daryl Hannah puts on that evil nurse costume with the hat and white dress and her eyepatch with the Red Cross cross

HOSPITAL TROPE AT THE DOOR OF THE SURGERY ROOM: “I’m sorry, sir, you’ll have to wait outside!”

gripped by the fist of Death, Fred Andrews hallucinates the future: Dream Cheryl is in a flowing red graduation gown, Mary is in a two-toned dress from Forever 21, Jughead calls him “Mr. A”

Alice serves herself orange juice, milk, and coffee for breakfast

Betty wears a soft lilac T-shirt and Alice has a lovely soft pear-on-beige nightgown

Betty CONTINUES to be ASTOUNDINGLY honest with Alice, who has for sure a soft spot for Jughead as a concept but can’t possibly be trusted with the knowledge that he almost deflowered her daughter. is it a power play? or is Betty just exhausted. I think she’s just following her own Jubilee advice to be sweepingly and unsparingly honest

Mädchen Amick, MÄDCHEN AMICK: Alice calls Jughead a “beanie-wearing cad,” as if Jughead A) has a flagrant history as a Don Juan or B) dropped Betty like a hot potato after giving it to her behind the train tracks

Sixth period is Intro to Film: “If that’s Snake Plissken, I want him blocked.”

Hermione’s hair when Veronica walks in is—is GREAT

Veronica was rich: Veronica eats a chocolate almond croissant from Bean & Beluga, which as far as I can tell is only in Dresden, which is in Saxony, which is in GERMANY

Veronica is knocking back a $300 Cristal Brut mimosa, as if she is Tupac?

I do like how she and Betty are both drinking orange juice

Jughead, tramping down his front steps to unveil the Bike: FINALLY, circumstances are COOL enough for my MOTORCYCLE

Best costume bit: he carved his cap symbol onto the front of his helmet, like how I drew a cat face after everything I signed in middle school: >^-^<

Archie mussing up his hair gives us a good look at his inguinal muscles beneath his lifted shirt, like when Neal Caffrey pulled a pistol out of his trouser waistline in that one White Collar episode

Jughead is definitely lanky enough to hug three people at once

I truly did miss how KJ Apa pronounces his flat A’s

Hermione does some good mom-work when she reminds a scattered Archie to call Mary

Jughead was NOT expecting to get grilled by Alice in this waiting room

Betty puts her FACE in her HANDS as Alice gets started—and Hal! HAL is there! honestly—I missed Hal!!!

“At least you can’t accuse my father of this, since he’s in jail.”

this remark certainly triggered something in the back of Veronica’s mind, since being in jail impeded Hiram Lodge not at all

all Veronica had for breakfast is sugar and she is not equipped to handle all the stomach-churning

she is wearing classic opaque black tights and some very wicked shiny black heels

Archie looks so small and scared when he’s on the phone with his mom!!!

probably all this emphasis on Archie calling it a “robbery” means……..it isn’t one…….I see you Riverdale…..

oh, Sheriff Keller is here? GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jughead, in a superhero move, sidles himself into Archie’s interrogation—and gets snacks!

“You mean like a snake?”

tbh Keller is pretty patient with Jughead, considering his father DID commit some serious crimes and Jughead STILL refuses to hop on board calling him on such

Archie preciously makes a little scissor motion with his fingers when he describes the homemade ski mask

I simply MUST KNOW, as an AMERICAN, what “jingle jangle” is. he lists right after METH for God’s sake! I mean, JINGLE-JANGLE??? is it like krokodil?????? Jesus!!!!!

Veronica drops “vintage bon mots as if they were bon-bons” (Archie would not have understood this)

Veronica fears that she won’t be supportive enough! Veronica—has she been paying any attention to herself for the past three months???

I really liked the soft look on Jughead’s face while Archie quietly tells him his worries about Serpent retribution while not trying to insult FP

Jughead and Archie hug very sweetly, Jughead embracing Archie’s blood-stained, honestly blood-dyed at this point, letterman jacket; Archie: “Thanks, bro”

INTERESTINGLY, they decided not to have Dr. Masters’ pristine white shirt be doused in Fred’s blood when he comes out to the waiting room, another hospital-episode item

it is sweet that the other parents stuck around. I mean it would be outrageous if they left, but even so, like, although I suppose Alice is about to write all this up

Archie’s button-down has an “Andrews & Son” patch on it in Fred’s next bullet-dream

DEAD ANDREWS of the PAST are COMING FOR FRED like in A Christmas Carol

his “something doesn’t feel right” is surely about him knowing something that Archie & Co. doesn’t know about the crime and I am assuming it’s that it wasn’t a robbery!!!

all of Archie’s stories have people calling him “Little Archie” when he was young

Veronica is walking with Archie and Vegas in THOSE SHOES

Jughead already has the power to summon certain gang members at will

I don’t know the name of long-haired Serpent Daddy but he is GRUFF and STEADFAST

Gay?!: oh Jesus the young one is there too

“Serpents don’t wear masks”

Jughead takes Daddy’s “knock some heads together” as entirely figurative

the female gaze: thank you for showing me Archie’s wet pecs even in this, his time of grief

Archie’s cast is going to dissolve if he keeps getting it wet like this

Veronica decides to console him the best way she knows how, with her hot bod

also, to be fair, she hasn’t had a chance to shower since like, yesterday morning, at least, if not the evening before that! they’re just being environmentally responsible

however she should take her pearls off first

honestly when Kevin said “Mr. Andrews” the first time I thought it was just his slightly ironic way of saying “Archie” because that’s just how adorable Kevin can be

Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides: Kevin VERY MUCH was invested, or at least extremely informed, about Betty thinking she might have sex with Jughead the day before

did she think they might, before the Jubilee? and she texted Kevin?

he’s like, when Betty says they didn’t, “What, like, nothing, not even…?”

OH GOD! Kevin’s “Wait, what?” GOD KEVIN!!!!!! IS THE FRIEND WE ALL DESERVE

he instinctively sensed Cheryl Blossom’s presence before he saw her

Cheryl’s sheaths: Cheryl’s white skirt is slightly smoke-tinged on the bottom

“Is this the apocalypse?”

Cheryl, ever a Blossom, constructs a very palatable PR story to cover her tracks

she always delivers her lines spectacularly but she’s especially perfect talking about Penelope’s third-degree burns

THIRD-DEGREE BURNS

the thing about Archie’s thing about Fred’s wallet is interesting. no one wants to fucking lose their wallet. but is Archie over-endowing this wallet with powers it doesn’t have because it’s a small thing that seems to encompass the whole tragedy? does Fred keep his launch codes in there?

I honestly LOVED Archie at the end of his tether with his chin in his hand looking up at Veronica like, “I do, yeah”

Veronica very astutely of course knows this is an emotional overreaction and tells him to stick it, fondly

to make up for the past, Sheriff Keller put together a lineup of possible perps in under an hour

the killer apparently had blisteringly green Harry Potter eyes

Jughead cannot believe he got left out of going to the station to look at suspects

Betty using the word “rando” pleases us

Jughead doubts it: Veronica is not ready for Jughead to start slinging theories about more murder, hits

oh Christ, the motorcycle scene was perfect. they’re fucking cute together and Jughead loves her

Jughead knows his stock with Alice fluctuates wildly: “Or we can call your mom.” he KNOWS she KNOWS about BETTY

“You are gonna need to hold tight.”

and what does 12FW48 mean?

ARE YOU TELLING ME THE LODGES HAVE BEEN STEALTH CATHOLICS THIS WHOLE TIME. I thought it was the Coopers!!!! I’m the kid in The Catcher in the Rye who’s always trying to suss out the Catholics

the red devotional candle holders YYEEEEEEESSSSSSSS it’s taking me back!!!!

Veronica straight confronts her rosary-praying mother about possibly ordering the killing of Fred Andrews under the gaze of a huge Virgin Mary statue and still has the chutzpah to say something like “If the Manolo Blahnik fits”

Evil Hermione: “Mija...your disrespect...will no longer be tolerated.”

I love the difference between Veronica’s crime family and Jughead’s crime family! FP is like, run away from me as fast as you can! but also come back!!!! and Hiram is like, I CAN SEE YOU

FROM JAIL

the ladies lit up from below by orange candlelight (the best kind of lighting, as Clinton Kelly notes): “I should slap you for what you’re insinuating. But I’m not a violent person.”

new Reggie is SMOKIN’. his beautiful boy-mouth might be even more beautiful than Jughead’s

God bless Moose: OMG, when will Moose next get lines! you know!!!

the 2001 Josie and the Pussycats movie was a masterpiece: Melody has a fantastic long printed jacket

Reggie isn’t wearing his letterman jacket, which is I assume so we can ease into him being the most handsome man on Earth, ever

poor Fred’s imagination is all about Archie growing up and him missing all the milestones of Archie growing up, graduating, inheriting the company, getting married

the PINK GLOW of the DREAM DINER

they’re making Pop mop up that blood on his own? isn’t there a whole Amy Adams movie about people who will do that for you?

HOW DARE Jughead tell ANYONE to TONE IT DOWN

and yet, he would also be the one to be like, Yeah that line is from a Sam Raimi movie. like the doofy stoner in Cabin in the Woods who calls out the gas station guy for BEING the creepy outskirts-of-town doomsday scarecrow trope. so I can see both A) a Riverdale character saying something aloud like “the angel of death” and then B) someone immediately being like, Excuse me?

Jughead eats: Jughead is “always hungry, yeah,” MY MAN

does Betty think Jughead is insensitive for making Pop make their food or that she can’t quite believe he’s this hungry under this much stress? he did at least order coffee when his dad had gotten arrested

more Betty & Jughead being bathed in angel-light from behind

Jughead’s “But me?” movie moment is precious, but Betty is very serious most of the time. Jughead’s instinct is to make everything a self-aware parody of itself instantly, but he’s trying to make her laugh, and he is a semi-starved orphan

“I haven’t eaten since last night.” INDEED? it was Betty’s collarbone

“Yeah, it meant there were, like, ten biker dudes standing in front of me.” YES!!!! he was going with it in the moment!

but also he looked really good in it, I’m never going to be coy about that

“It fit you like a glove, Jug”: my dream is that the night before, after she and Jughead had a (long or short?) quiet talk about it “being late” and how Betty “should go,” Betty crawled into her bed and couldn’t stop going over the moment, over and over, Jughead shrugging that leather jacket onto his shoulders, “like a second skin,” and HIS HAIR doing that loose curl thing it does when his hat’s off, JUGGIE, and she stared at the ceiling in the dark, feeling some type of way

God though they continue to be so open with each other! no stone left unturned! he may imminently be in a gang but he is a great communicator!

“Facing facts, my dad is going away for a long-ass time.”

the incredulous smile when Betty says he might hurt someone else unintentionally is the same smile when he teased her about telling her mom she was about to ride his motorcycle

Cheryl’s hair: I WAS FUCKING WAITING FOR YOU, CHERYL

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE BARN WITH DADDY???????????

honestly this scene was so holy shittingly crazy my brain synapsed a memory in self-defense back to the most insane 1990’s lurid movie scene it could compare it to, which is when Rebecca de Mornay finally shows her cards to Ernie Hudson in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Penelope VERY WEAKLY paws at Cheryl’s wrist to get her oxygen back

Cheryl’s a psychopath: the best part was Cheryl telling her she should move “quietly.” like, quietly. so fucking wrong

of course Veronica gets Fred a new wallet, the straightest line between Archie’s anxiety and short-term relief

WHO is the dude calling out “Nice, Jugs!” when Jughead shows up with all the food? PLEASE GOD tell me we’re going to get more Jughead and Reggie. Jesus H. please

Gay.: “You’ve really been just a rock-star god through all of this.” JUGHEAD

is that the second or third time or something Jughead has called Archie like, a god? the second time?

These students are legally children: Archie is honestly out here blaming himself for freezing up after seeing his father getting shot and when he gets a gun put to his head

Archie has to tell this story WITH HIS EYES CLOSED

hey could Archie maybe get his hand re-wrapped with clean bandages during some of this downtime?

“ALL HIS INFORMATION.”

and everyone is gorgeous in this low light, incidentally

“Damn good coffee”: WHAT THE FUCK is up with the person on the other side of the hallway doors walking into a room at the same time as Archie! I thought it was Cheryl before, but it’s just someone walking into a room parallel to Archie just to be—creepy!

Cheryl never forgets a dilf

Fred has the common courtesy to put Veronica in his closest approximation to a Vera Wang wedding gown during his morphine trip

Pop Tate is officiating

OH MY GOD CLIFFORD!!!!!!!!!!!

the Blossom corpse: JASON???!!!

god no one could sneer like him!!!! RIP!!!! what happened to him in the barn, I won’t forget!!!!

Jughead in that dress jacket was cute and Betty in her VIVID BLUE gown was stunning

my prediction was that Fred was going to realize who shot him but would be in a coma throughout the season and would have to communicate to Betty (after giving up on Archie) through Christmas lights

you see, Fred thinks this guy is after ARCHIE

Fred wakes up when he leaps to save Archie in his dream…….the power of his love wakes him up..….just as the power of Archie’s hotness saved Cheryl..….

Certified pedigree: Fred having to come to and hear Archie apologize for not Von Flue choking this dude with a gun, “Archie…”

you know they put Betty and Jughead out in the rain for a minute

Jughead is too insane to ever be, like, smouldering, but he was cute spinning slowly on his heel and leaning against the wall, “Sure I can’t give you a ride home?”

Alice does have a gun

Please protect Betty: “Whatever you need to do...or explore…”

you know Betty just knows Jug’s nature and trusts him to be okay!

however I do not

they’ve figured out the perfect angle for filming Betty and Jughead’s kisses: over Jughead’s left shoulder as he cradles her goddamn face

Fwoopy hair is the best hair: thank you for Jughead not trying to wear his beanie and helmet simultaneously

I’ve seen Brick like thirty times: WHOA!!! WHOOOOOAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT, SERPENT DADDY!!!!!!!

Jughead for real walks into his dad’s trailer and there is a MAN with a BEATEN-IN FACE, TIED TO A CHAIR, Daddy and Baby Driver are out here smirking—JUGHEAD—“Ha ha, explore this, BITCH!”

“This guy was holding court at the Whyte Wyrm”: blood drool is like guzzling out of his slack, slobbery mouth

I’m writing a scene where it’s gay.: Baby has brass knuckles and sends Jughead a smirk for the ages

Hermione is “Hiram Lodge’s bitch”

Jughead’s wet bangs are always nice. it’s not the time, they’re just nice. all the extra-special stress-times we get to see his pretty hair

“So you could see we’d done what you asked”: Jughead didn’t even know he had the power to set this off! he got a man beaten half to death! INADVERTENTLY, BETTY

“With or without the jacket”—OH SHIT SERPENT PRINCE

is Hiram Lodge allowed to get snippy that Veronica wasn’t home when he came home early? like an asshole?

Hiram is, amazingly, seating at the head of the table, in the dark, because he is Satan

“So disrespectful.” SO DISRESPECTFUL

Summer + Blair = Veronica: “I know we’re all really happy about that.”

true to form, Veronica seems unruffled outwardly by this unexpected appearance, but we shall see, shalln’t we

Archie > Dawson: Archie is going to BEAT WITH A BAT any home invaders, which would make this something like his second night in a row with no sleep

do you know the SEVEN KINDS OF GLEE I felt upon seeing that vintage Beetle again!!!

there’s even a fucking piano-child-singing musical cue in the background!!!

SAVE THE BOY FROM THE DRIVE-IN WHO USED TO SELL KEVIN CHERRY SODAS

SHE DOUBLE-LOCKS THE DOOR, BUT LOCKS CANNOT KEEP OUT THE ANGEL OF DEATH, A MONIKER JUGHEAD LOVED TOO MUCH TO KEEP OUT OF HIS NOVEL

is Miss Grundy FOR REAL getting strangled with the CELLO BOW Archie bought her last season??? is this the violent ex-husband she talked about with Archie before that I thought she was lying about??? I—is—FUCK—

NEXT WEEK: FORSYTHE PENDLETON JUNIOR RETURNS

BONUS MATERIAL: I watched Dynasty, and while it wasn’t nearly as batshit as I expected, it did feature Elizabeth Gillies wearing this blouse featuring an Irish setter print

[oldsimpeople]

time for yet another installment

Samara: TAKE THIS! I CARRIED THIS CRANBERRY JUICE ALL THE WAY FROM THE KITCHEN TO THROW IT AT YOU!

Junior: HA, FOILED, FOR I’VE WORN A WHITE SHIRT THAT DEFLECTS LIQUID PROPERTIES! WHAT A FOOL!

Justice: are you guys done yet

FLOYD HOW IS IT THAT YOU’RE ALWAYS FAR FROM THE HOUSE FOR NO REASON AT ALL

Well if it isn’t Bradley’s secret crusty side lover.

He dropped by shortly after Bradley got off work, which was PARTICULARLY suspcious?? Also Felix is skipping school again lolol.

Some Teen Who Must Also Be Skipping School: Oh, are these your… dads? Felix: only the one guy is, never seen the other one before

…really, Felix…

DAMN, THIS GUY’S REALLY INTO IT THOUGH

Bradley should be ashamed for autonomously doing this right after all of his kids got off from school, but we all know he isn't.

Bradley: So, I have to tell you, I have a girlfriend… Crusty: Girlfriend?

Bradley: …………..she’s kind of my girlfriend? I guess. I dunno.

Christ on a cracker Floyd, WHAT’S IT MATTER IF IT’S NOT YOUR BED

AND HEY WHO SAID YOU COULD SPEND THE NIGHT, IN ONE OF THE KIDS' BEDS NO LESS

Did you know that even when the power goes off, that cool Halloweenish light show continues working? What a mystery~~

LMFAO

Floyd: You there! Stop! Don’t come near my taco casserole!

………………

Attractive.

Aw, beans, I missed Justice’s transcendence to the young adult stage! Now she’s sad.

Well, at least she’s smokin’.

And a genius hacker. A+++

Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHY THE FUCK IS THIS OPTION COMING UP FOR SAMARA??

Oh

my

god

You shits just couldn’t keep it in your pants, could you, WE’RE THIS CLOSE TO STARTING GENERATION THREE, AND YOU DECIDE WE NEED ANOTHER GENERATION TWO BABY

THEY SKIPPED WORK TO BANG I CAN’T EVEN

Felix: SIGH, I wish I had a passion that still burned as hot as the one between my parents! Or, at least, a passion that burned like the one between Dad and his secret crusty lover!

Hours later I come across Felix crying under the covers because he’s single and smelly.

So I have him call up Miss Cassandra Goth. Who knows, maybe they’ll hit it off?

Felix: You look so… sexy when you eat a taco.

Felix: *farts* WOO YEAH WANT A WHIFF OF THAT??

This is it. This is the height of awkward height mod kissing. It’s a wonder they even got this far, I wonder if Cassandra took pity on him.

Cassandra: i wonder what’s on tv right now

APPARENTLY SHE’S REALLY INTO HIM?

lol just kidding she ditched him after like 10 minutes

Well, Felix can stick around to challenge Cassandra’s dad to a dance battle. Just cuz.

Mortimer: HAHAHAHAHA, YOU, CHALLENGING ME? Felix: Yyyyyes?

Mortimer: *whoops his ass* Felix: …………… :[

Felix: Yeah, well *sniff* you suck!

Justice is having a better time, I think. She made a friend!

Justice: ho u back off he’s mine “friend”

Lady: OHHH, WHAT’S THIS, DID YOU MISS THE SIGN?? Justice: oh my god

Guy: Whoa, what REEKS? Lady: well, Justice: ……………

Okay, so Justice isn’t having that much better of a time than Felix.

Dude: LADIES I WARN YOU I’M INTO SOME KINKY SHIT Jane: …warning us? Justice: u h Fancy Gal: Ohh, darling, that is positively exquisite! Tell me more.

On the subject of other relationships, let me tell you, Bradley and Samara have hit rock bottom again. That’s right—they automously agreed to be friends again and are barely passing as friends at all, all while Samara’s still pregnant with Bradley’s kid, and ahahahaha;lkjdjlkf

Junior is not in a relationship, in fact, he doesn’t have any friends, but he talks to his teddy bear religiously. Yikes.

And Floyd grew up? He’s cute, but I forget his aspiration.

JUSTICE REALLY

Junior: You know what sounds great? Playing my violin!

Felix: YOU PIECE OF SHIT I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP

Felix: I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE

Junior: Wow! :D Playing my violin always cheers me up! :D

Justice entered a Blikblok tournament.

And lost.

It was very dramatic.

Very intense.

Floyd: Now this is my kind of jam! Felix: NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN, GODDAMMIT

Samara: did i say u could bring rock and roll into this house

lmfao they called justice to an empty plate, that’s cold u guys

Then Samara went into labor!

NO

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NONONO NOO

NO

Aw fuck. Aw geez. Dammit. Okay.

Here we have Teresa, Theresa, and… Terezo. All three are girls.

yo that can’t be comfortable.

Okay, but here’s the deal, I’m this close to starting generation 3 and I don’t want to raise generation 2 all over again ALONGSIDE generation 3. Also, the house would be BURSTING AT THE SEAMS.

so i’m aging them up and moving them out

YOU FIRST, TEREZO

Terezo so fashionably onboard I almost can’t handle it. I wish she could have stuck around but it’s too late now!!

So, I split the family up. Know what, I send Floyd with them, too. All of the accidental babies can live elsewhere. BAI GUYS~~~

Felix is missing from this picture, but I assume it’s because the game’s only supposed to process 8 sims in a household! I think nothing else of it.

But wait a second…

WHERE’S FELIX????

Felix seems to have, uh, never existed.

Well, shit.

Justice I can’t believe I lost another tournament—I MEAN, MY BROTHER

Junior: Felix… :(

Bradley: who’s felix? Junior: 8(!!!

I’M LAUGHING MY ASS OFF AT FELIX SUDDENLY BEING COMPLETELY ERASED BUT ALSO HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BELIEVE HE DISAPPEARED

WOW.

I hope he wasn’t anyone’s favorite. I liked Felix?? But he was my last choice for heir tbh. STILL, RIP BB BOI.

Anyway, the next update should be the Official start to generation 3…!