I remember one of the most influential moments I had on my body image while living in Japan.
One Saturday afternoon, my Japanese coworker and I went out to lunch, and as we left the buffet, stuffed to satisfaction, she said, “I shouldn’t have eaten so much. I’m already the fat one in my family.”
I was distracted thinking about something else, and I thought she was joking, so I made a noncommittal kind of noise. I’d only been in Japan for half a year at that point, and I was already tired of the extensive fat-shaming almost everyone took part in, so I just disconnected whenever it started.
Then I glanced at her and realized she was serious. She had a self-deprecating half-smile, and she didn’t seem to be setting me up for one of those, “No, but you’re so pretty,” responses. She was just stating a fact. This person, who probably couldn’t have pinched more than a pinky’s width of fat anywhere on her body, was ashamed of her size.
Meanwhile, I was twenty-three and deeply, profoundly hated my body. Back then, I would have given most anything to be her size.
And in that moment, I realized: it’ll never be enough.
No matter how petite, how skinny, how svelte, how toned, how whatever. The societies many of us live in profit off of the desperation of mass misery, and no amount of dieting would ever give me a pass from that misery. If I was thin, there’d be some other issue to “fix”, like “weird elbows” or something else that I haven’t even thought about because no one’s had the opportunity to tell me how much it costs to adjust it yet.
I realized in a mall on a Saturday that the joy I’d been chasing had to come from disengaging from the whole chase, not from changing my body.
And I mean, I’m not totally there yet, even over a decade later. It’s difficult to love what you’re repeatedly told is wrong about yourself, and I hated my body for much longer than I’ve been actively trying to love it. I cling to offhand compliments about my looks, and I feel a twinge of guilt whenever I enjoy the “wrong” foods, and I fantasize about how much easier or happier life would be if I looked the way my coworker looked then.
But at least I know to my core that it will never be enough for them. No size, no shape, no degree of perfection will ever be enough for the societies and cultures I’ve lived in that judge one’s morality by one’s body. Relatives of mine in the States over the holidays tortured themselves with “I was being so good so far” and “I’m going to be bad tonight” and it’s just so pointlessly cruel that we’re set up to think this way about ourselves.
I made a lemon-glaze cake over the holidays, and almost no one ate it because so many people were dieting.
I did, though.
I just love the irony that living in a culture so rigid about weight actually freed me somewhat from the chase for an impossible goal. I bought diet pills as a teenager, and I couldn’t believe as recently as last week that a woman I was attracted to was hitting on me, but at least I know I’m in this snow globe now, and it makes breaking out of it easier.
Since university, I’ve been committed to exercising to gain muscle because I wanted to lose weight. But now I do it mainly because I like the strength and the flexibility that comes along with it. My weight’s never hurt me or my immune system or any aspect of my life. My brain did that, and my brain was just reacting to a lifetime of fear-mongering.
It will never be enough until you disengage from the chase.
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I think you might have talked about this before, but #3 for Pallas, for the pride month themed oc asks?
3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?
oooo ok so i think i’ve posted an excerpt from the actual book about Pallas Gender Stuff (tldr is they got the experience of being blissfully ignorant to the concept of gender as a kid until they became Aware it was a capital-C Concept and then everything felt wrong) so i wanna ramble a bit about their aro-aceness since i haven’t really gotten the opportunity to do that yet lol.
i don’t think it was something they always knew necessarily, but especially their lack of romantic attraction was always something they were vaguely aware of. when they were really little they were definitely a kid that went ‘ewwww’ and made a face whenever anyone talked about kissing. in general they just never found romance interesting in the way they found basically everything else interesting. like. why do these characters keep staring at each other can we get back to politics please this has literally nothing to do with the plot why is it important this is so boring. i think they were in the boat of fully thinking that romance and being horny were things made up in stories to add drama until people around them started experiencing it, which is when the Realization hit and they actual started to question that aspect of their identity.
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MORE WADE AND LOGAN PLSSSSS CAN WE GET THEM (POLY) DATING A SHORT READER HCS??? TYYYY
Short! S/O - Logan Howlett & Wade Wilson
Pairing: Logan Howlett x short! gn! reader x Wade Wilson
Genre: fluff
CW: poly relationship, teasing, short jokes, Logan picks us up, protective boys, size diff
| Ryan Reynolds & Hugh Jackman are both 6’2 so I am gonna go off of that (i know Logan is short in the comics but just let me dream pls :,) |
YES YES OF COURSE!!! there’s almost nothing I love more than writing a short/small reader cause I myself am not short :,) but it’s nice to pretend. god both of them are so tall I just wanna stand between them & feel safe ^^ thank you so much for the req!!
they’re such bullies i’m so sorry
expect a TON of short jokes (mostly Wade)
and expect them to parry anything you say with “you’re short” (mostly Logan)
you will always be their arm rest, you have no say in it
standing in line? Logan’s leaning his arm on your shoulder.
at a party? Wade’s propping himself up on the top of your head
Logan LOVES how short you are too and manhandles you at any opportunity
if you’re being a brat, he won’t hesitate to remind you that he is bigger than you
whether that’s him throwing you over his shoulder or just standing real close to you so you can see the height difference up close & personal
as soon as Wade sees Logan in, he can’t help himself—he’ll slide up on your other side and smush you between the two of them
they’re such teases they’ll talk about you like you’re not completely stuck between them
“nice weather we’re having, hey?”
“oh yeah, real nice bub”
they’ll keep chatting until you’re whining and pushing against them to just get out
Wade LOVES putting things on shelves too high for you to reach just so he can watch you struggle
and Logan the absolute menace will lean against the wall with his arms crossed and watch you hop to reach your phone charger
they’ll sit there and watch you struggle until you turn on them with sad eyes and suddenly they’re racing to get it down for you
these mfs are so protective they will not leave your side whenever you go to parties/the bar
one of them is glued to you 24/7 (even when they’re not physically with you, they’re watching you too)
and anyone in the general area (07) knows not to fuck with you
on especially hard days, your size is just what they need
coming home from fighting crazy strong villains & mutants to their cute short s/o? nothing better in the whole world
masterlist
if you enjoy content like this, interactions go a long way!! likes, comments & rbs are always appreciated ^^
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