#I’m just sad over them in general

[checkadii]

When he heard the death rattle, Gilgamesh moaned like a dove. His face grew dark. “Beloved, wait, don’t leave me. Dearest of men, don’t die, don’t let them take you from me.”

[clickedbait]

some people on this site have no idea what it’s like to face consequences over their actions and it shows. like. it’s bullshit. they get to walk all over people because they happen to be “popular” or have “good graphics/formatting”. a lot of the people on this site pretend to be the victim or goodie goods when they’re really the reason some of us are scared to branch out— the reason we have terrible ptsd induced trauma.

[thespiritualsolarsystem]

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[floral-hex]

hi. I’m still alive (mostly).

still moving stuff from one apartment to the next. It sucks. Everything is a mess. I hate stairs and, for some reason, boxes of books are very heavy.

now I get why they call these the dog days of summer, because this shit is ruff 😰

[forgotten-daydreamer]

Took twice the max dose of melatonin before the final revision for tomorrow’s exam, I’m shitting my pants and I genuinely don’t know anything as thoroughly as I should but if I sleep less than 4 hrs before it I just know I’m gonna do even worse somehow

[thebroccolination]

I remember one of the most influential moments I had on my body image while living in Japan.

One Saturday afternoon, my Japanese coworker and I went out to lunch, and as we left the buffet, stuffed to satisfaction, she said, “I shouldn’t have eaten so much. I’m already the fat one in my family.”

I was distracted thinking about something else, and I thought she was joking, so I made a noncommittal kind of noise. I’d only been in Japan for half a year at that point, and I was already tired of the extensive fat-shaming almost everyone took part in, so I just disconnected whenever it started.

Then I glanced at her and realized she was serious. She had a self-deprecating half-smile, and she didn’t seem to be setting me up for one of those, “No, but you’re so pretty,” responses. She was just stating a fact. This person, who probably couldn’t have pinched more than a pinky’s width of fat anywhere on her body, was ashamed of her size.

Meanwhile, I was twenty-three and deeply, profoundly hated my body. Back then, I would have given most anything to be her size.

And in that moment, I realized: it’ll never be enough.

No matter how petite, how skinny, how svelte, how toned, how whatever. The societies many of us live in profit off of the desperation of mass misery, and no amount of dieting would ever give me a pass from that misery. If I was thin, there’d be some other issue to “fix”, like “weird elbows” or something else that I haven’t even thought about because no one’s had the opportunity to tell me how much it costs to adjust it yet.

I realized in a mall on a Saturday that the joy I’d been chasing had to come from disengaging from the whole chase, not from changing my body.

And I mean, I’m not totally there yet, even over a decade later. It’s difficult to love what you’re repeatedly told is wrong about yourself, and I hated my body for much longer than I’ve been actively trying to love it. I cling to offhand compliments about my looks, and I feel a twinge of guilt whenever I enjoy the “wrong” foods, and I fantasize about how much easier or happier life would be if I looked the way my coworker looked then.

But at least I know to my core that it will never be enough for them. No size, no shape, no degree of perfection will ever be enough for the societies and cultures I’ve lived in that judge one’s morality by one’s body. Relatives of mine in the States over the holidays tortured themselves with “I was being so good so far” and “I’m going to be bad tonight” and it’s just so pointlessly cruel that we’re set up to think this way about ourselves.

I made a lemon-glaze cake over the holidays, and almost no one ate it because so many people were dieting.

I did, though.

I just love the irony that living in a culture so rigid about weight actually freed me somewhat from the chase for an impossible goal. I bought diet pills as a teenager, and I couldn’t believe as recently as last week that a woman I was attracted to was hitting on me, but at least I know I’m in this snow globe now, and it makes breaking out of it easier.

Since university, I’ve been committed to exercising to gain muscle because I wanted to lose weight. But now I do it mainly because I like the strength and the flexibility that comes along with it. My weight’s never hurt me or my immune system or any aspect of my life. My brain did that, and my brain was just reacting to a lifetime of fear-mongering.

It will never be enough until you disengage from the chase.

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

There always seems to be one kid who just screams like a tornado siren, all day long, at any given opportunity. Like, kid, I love you, you are precious and deserve all the happiness in the world; but please for the love of god shut up. There are people trying to learn here and you’re not helping them or yourself.

[cabeswaterdrowned]

[pebblezone]

this Tylenol ain’t shit w

[nicoscheer]

[cream-and-tea]

I think you might have talked about this before, but #3 for Pallas, for the pride month themed oc asks?

3. How did your oc discover themself? Did something cause them to question, or did they always know?

oooo ok so i think i’ve posted an excerpt from the actual book about Pallas Gender Stuff (tldr is they got the experience of being blissfully ignorant to the concept of gender as a kid until they became Aware it was a capital-C Concept and then everything felt wrong) so i wanna ramble a bit about their aro-aceness since i haven’t really gotten the opportunity to do that yet lol.

i don’t think it was something they always knew necessarily, but especially their lack of romantic attraction was always something they were vaguely aware of. when they were really little they were definitely a kid that went ‘ewwww’ and made a face whenever anyone talked about kissing. in general they just never found romance interesting in the way they found basically everything else interesting. like. why do these characters keep staring at each other can we get back to politics please this has literally nothing to do with the plot why is it important this is so boring. i think they were in the boat of fully thinking that romance and being horny were things made up in stories to add drama until people around them started experiencing it, which is when the Realization hit and they actual started to question that aspect of their identity.

[blep-23]

I’m realizing I’ve taken the “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” to heart. It is a… weird realization to have. I’m fairly content with it though, so it’s kinda weird to suddenly become self aware of it.

[victory-cookies]

my coworker at my new job who was planning to leave at the end of the summer might actually stay until the end of the year! which is great bc I’m really getting along with him and I was sad that he was leaving so soon after I started but now he may just. stay in town and keep working lol

[bloomburnburial]

evil brain your life ends 17 days from now

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[likedbyuarmyhope]

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