#but the sad songs we got as a result?? idk they’re the thing that turned me parasocial because there’s rarely absolutely nothing you can do

[edge-oftheworld]

when I was in high school there was a tendency whenever there was an attractive boy to simply fan over him. in a way that talked over everything he might say for himself and created a narrative that completely ignored, the fact in some cases, that he was really struggling—or if he was struggling, to pin all the blame on the girl he’s dating and completely ignore the thousands of other factors (no it can’t be mental illness or unaccommodated disability or systemic abuse or exploitation and if he is in an abusive relationship we won’t ever consider the factors that put him at risk for that)

and I’m not saying this fandom is like that. I get the need for privacy around some things and how in public conversations sometimes it’s a lot more respectful to stick to the positives (everyone who does that, I admire you) or even the struggles that are talked about publicly, show respect by not reading too far into them. there’s a time and place for that. but sometimes I feel like our only options are shitty and ableist gossip or totally ignoring the systemic and structural issues we know exist in something like the music industry until someone dies and then we’re looking for someone to blame. friends, there is a point where the respectful thing is to listen to what someone says and come together to make things better. and you can learn how to have that conversation respectfully. please do

[amesstm]

You Should’ve Come to Shiratorizawa

Pairing: Oikawa x Reader

Word Count: idk because I’m too lazy to check Word. So maybe 2K?

Summary: after losing his chance at going to nationals in his second-year, Oikawa sees a different reason why he should’ve gone to Shiratorizawa.

Warnings: nothing but fluff

A/N: inspired by ushijima’s favorite phrase lol

⊱ ━━━━━━━━.⋅ εïз ⋅.━━━━━━━━⊰

This was Oikawa’s moment. It was his second-year and he must make it to nationals. No - he would make it to nationals. He absolutely had to, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. All the days, hours, minutes, and pure seconds he dedicated to this match would mean something. Iwaizumi had to stop the determined setter from training himself to the point of breaking. Yet, it would all be worth it in this match.

Oikawa remembers the monster Ushijima Wakatoshi, and how that monster looked down on him in his last year of junior high. The mere memory of inferiority made him grind his teeth and furrow his eyebrows with his arms crossed. Even when they had a practice match together, Shiratorizawa still won. And that same condescending expression still haunted him.

“You’re going to break your teeth.”

Oikawa turned around, knowing that it would be Iwaizumi anyways. He plastered his classic, fake smile onto his face. In a sing-song voice, he replied, “Iwa-chan! You do care!”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and smacked him on the back of the head. “Just don’t get yourself out of the game before it even starts.”

Not wanting to hear another lecture, Oikawa nodded and returned to glaring at the doors that had yet to open.

~

On the other side, the predicted-champions were stretching. Ushijima laid out on the floor, stretching out his lower back. Usually, Tendo would’ve joined him but he decided to try to progress his gymnastics career. Did you understand what position he was in with his head in between his legs that grew closer and closer to the floor? No. But did you know that was something Tendo would do? Yep.

��‘Tori, you need to win the match so I can win a bet,” you said, with an imaginary halo hovering over your head. You even tilted your head to meet his eyes as he peered at you from upside down.

Being Shiratorizawa’s manager meant that you had an insight into their training; so, you knew you’d be eating well tonight. The comment wasn’t filled with any tone of concern. After all, this was Shiratorizawa.

“Nani?” Your redheaded friend asked, raising his head to look at you. Tendo’s wide eyes stared at you and into you, serious as Ushijima. Then he burst into his warm persona with a chocolate-sweet smile, “You put a bet on us to win? That’s so sweet!”

“Of course, I did! You guys always win,” you replied like it was a fact. As of this moment, Shiratorizawa hasn’t lost a match this season. You were absolutely sure that they would beat Aoba Seijoh, too. They’ve done it before and it will happen again.

Finally, the doors opened.

The blue and white colors greeted you from across the court. Banners hoping to garner the attention of Oikawa Tooru, the pretty boy setter of their team, were waved around proudly and erratically. Girlish screams echoed through the gym as their team entered.

“They’re very loud,” Wakatoshi muttered under his breath. He glowered at the opposing cheer section, probably putting some people in the hospital from mere shock.

“That’s because they have a pretty boy to cheer for,” Tendo said, lightening the mood as Wakatoshi grew more and more annoyed at the noise.

Oikawa’s reputation for being ‘perfect’ was well-known, mostly amongst the girls. Clearly, the girls in the gym believed in that wholeheartedly. To you, it was annoying. After all, no one was perfect. It was even more annoying dealing with that personality in person. During the practice match, his ego took up half of the gym. Hopefully, he’d be humbled today.

“Didn’t you want Oikawa to come to Shiratorizawa?” You asked despite knowing the answer. Admittedly, you just loved seeing how riled up Wakatoshi got about the ordeal. It was one of the few times the statue showed emotion.

“He’s an amazing setter and would’ve performed to his highest level had he come to our team,” the ace explained without skipping a beat. His eagle eyes focused on the brunette from across the floor, poking holes in him. It seemed that the setter felt the intense stare, because he returned it before turning away with a reddened face immediately.

~

“They’re so loud already,” Iwaizumi complained as soon as they entered the gym. He tried his best to mask his distaste for the cheers, but the outrageous screams for Oikawa made it difficult. “Can you tell them to be quiet?”

“Of course not! They’re my fans and I love them,” Oikawa replied with his cutest smile as he waved to everyone. Squeals of excitement greeted him back, making him grin all the more from the attention to his ego.

“I think I see another fan,” Matsukawa teased, subtly pointing across the gym.

Oikawa’s eyes followed his finger and saw his worst nightmare. Shiratorizawa’s prized possession, Ushijima Wakatoshi, was staring holes into his very being. Oikawa shivered with fear, until his eyes narrowed in on the girl beside him.

Wow, she’s really pretty. Wait – I can’t hit on the enemy!

Turning red, he shifted away from the opposing team. Hanamaki quirked an eyebrow, “Finally realize your attraction towards Ushiwaka?”

Oikawa shivered with disgust, “I’m not attracted to him!”

“Oh?” Matsukawa cheekily smiled. He turned to Hanamaki, continuing, “I bet that he’s hitting on the manager.”

The setter’s ears perked up, “That’s their manager?”

“If you actually looked at your surroundings, you would’ve realized this sooner,” Iwaizumi stated with disappointment. He added, “She was at our practice match, too, Shittykawa.”

Choosing to ignore the obvious slander, Oikawa pouted and sighed, “Too bad she’s with the enemy.”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, “Only you could care about that type of thing.”

“Get your head in the game,” the captain barked at the second-years, clearly annoyed that they were just goofing off instead of warming up.

“We’ll win,” Oikawa said before stretching. “We need to.”

~

As expected, Shiratorizawa won with flying colors, led by the genius that was Ushijima Wakatoshi. The match point started with a serve from Oikawa and ended with a powerful spike from Ushijima.

Across from the gym, you saw the setter crumble to the ground. Even with the distance, you could hear Oikawa’s heartfelt apologizes that he couldn’t land an ace service. Some tears were wiped away hastily with shame. Not even the reassurances from his fans stopped the waterfall.

Surprisingly, the pretty boy was an ugly cryer. Seeing him in this imperfect state made you not want to look away. Was all that ego just a show to hide his insecurities?

“Don’t feel bad for him,” Ushijima said, drawing you out of your haze. If anyone who didn’t know him overheard what he said, he would’ve sounded like a cold hearted victor without any humility. But you knew him and his meaning. “He should’ve come to Shiratorizawa.”

You sighed but still smiled. “I knew you’d say that.” Then, upon further inspection with your nose, you cringed, “Come on, you need to shower.”

After Coach Tanji gave his victory speech, the boys were dismissed to the locker room. As usual, you were left outside of the restrooms to wait. Fangirls whimpered over Oikawa’s melancholy state and even dared to suggest that Shiratorizawa tipped off the referee.

“If you think we needed bribes to win, then you know nothing about volleyball,” you defended your team, glaring at them like an eagle ready to snatch their prey. After watching these boys practice and endure yelling from their coach for hours on end, no mere suggestion of cheating or bribery would be tolerated.

As the girls opened their mouths to snap back at you, a different voice flew through the air. One that was noticeably deeper than these whiny pigeons. “As much as I hate to admit it, Shiratorizawa won fair and square.”

Of course, that voice belonged to Oikawa. You’ve heard his voice before. Most of the time, it would be higher pitched, flirtatious, and vibrant. Now, it was deeper, more serious, and grey.

“Thank you,” you muttered before being overrun by his fangirls who rushed to console him. You rolled your eyes. Reminding him of his loss wouldn’t make him feel better at all.

Yet, Oikawa perked up to the attention like a sunflower reaching for light. The usual tone of voice returned and his classic smile rose to his face. But when they were gone, the show drew to a close. The setter’s gaze turned to you. Something about it was sad and longing. He just couldn’t accept the fact, that along with this match’s victory, Ushijima had you, too.

“Oikawa,” a voice behind you rumbled. You turned to see a freshly showered Wakatoshi, who smelled infinitely better now. “You should’ve come to Shiratorizawa.”

The victim of this constant reminder grimaced and sighed from dejection. “Not this again.”

“You know that I’m right.”

“I could never go there with you, my enemy,” Oikawa spat and crossed his arms.

Should you be here? Probably not since it felt like a lovers’ quarrel but hey, free entertainment. You closed your eyes and leaned back on the bench, blocking out their voices. It was quite easy since you couldn’t rest well from the anxiety of the results for nationals these past few weeks.

Soon, you opened your eyes to find Ushijima gone and Oikawa staring at you. “Why did you go to Shiratorizawa?”

In reality, it was because you didn’t want to leave Tendo alone. Instead, you shrugged, “Good academics.”

“… so why are you with Ushijima?” Oikawa asked, ready to scrutinize your reason. A part of him wanted to know if you were actually single. Another part wondered how anyone could tolerate his presence.

Although you tried to hold yourself back, laughter poured from you. You tried to calm yourself down, but the idea of dating a literal statue with no social awareness - no matter how handsome - made you laugh once more.

Students from Shiratorizawa had a reputation of being stern - unless you were Tendo, of course. In fact, most Shiratorizawa students that Oikawa had the displeasure of meeting seemed that way. So, seeing someone loosely enjoying themselves brought you even closer to Oikawa’s type. Your laughter made him want to laugh, even if he didn’t know why you were laughing.

“I couldn’t date Ushijima,” you explained. “We don’t have the same sense of humor.”

Oikawa shifted to his side, slightly with relief. Subconsciously, he started preening himself. “I don’t think Ushijima can be funny.”

“No, no. He can be funny, but it’s mostly by accident,” you elaborated with a chuckle.

“I like your laugh,” Oikawa declared. You weren’t sure if it was a compliment, since it sounded more like he was telling himself of that fact.

You quirked an eyebrow, “You’re even weirder than I thought.”

“Hey, my team already bullies me enough!” Oikawa whined. Despite his little facade of being sad, he still couldn’t hold back his smile.

You giggled, “They bully you?”

“Over everything!” Oikawa stated with a show of his arms in defeat.

“I wouldn’t bully you,” you proclaimed with sincerity.

“You really are an angel,” Oikawa complimented with awe. “I wish you went to Aoba Josai.”

“Awh, really?” You asked with a tilt of your head. Oikawa nodded. Smirking, you chuckled, “Then, you should’ve come to Shiratorizawa.”

⊱ ━━━━━━━━.⋅ εïз ⋅.━━━━━━━━⊰

[milkacchan]

Request for @bnhakaminari : Hi! How are you? May I please request Bakusquad x Omega!Reader headcanons? Maybe she's like their only omega? 🥺 It doesn't have to be female pronouns if you don't want! Also, I'm sorry if this request is weird! Thank you so so much and I hope you have a nice day/night!

Idk if you wanted poly so I did poly bc I physically can not resist poly

And it's not weird bc I really do love me some omegaverse.

Mayhaps I'll do a part 2 nsfw

• Baby GURL you're the only omega

• And thank god you are their omega

• Because all of them are Alphas

• Which can be hard to deal with

• Bevause while theyre friends, really good friends, they're still Alphas and that can get messy sometimes

• None of them are particularly aggressive with their instincts but if we have to list it it'd go

1. Bakugou

2. Mina

3. Kirishima

4. Denki

5. Sero

• In order for them to be genuinely aggressive it has to be deep rut or someone is trying to hurt their omega

• But tensions can get high since it's a bunch if alphas together all the time, they can but heads

• You're drawn to Sero and Mina first

• Sero's just really calm and down to earth and he's funny

• He's easy to be around and he smells /great/

• Its just strong enough to be calming but not overwhelming

• Mina kinda just started bothering you when you transferred in because you were pretty and you were a girl.

• Actually, Mina saw you when she was with Sero and she was like, 'that one. I want that one.'

• And Sero was immediately on board like yes we want thay one

• Your room is right next to hers

• This ends in her just being an annoying neighbor but you don't really mind because its mina and how could you not love her

• Then without really anything being said you're integrated into the Bakusquad and it's great

• Kirishima is bubbly and smiley

• Denki is just happy theres another girl

• and you're pretty so win

• Bakugou seems a little skeptic at first- unsure of where this is going but he's civil and quickly warms up to you

• Its unspoken that they take on a protective role

• Someone's giving you shit? At least one of them are there to back you up. Most of the time its Bakugou. It doesn't matter where in the room he is, he's by your side in seconds to ward off whatever BS the person in front of

• You're feeling sad? They're all there cuddling you so you feel better. They turn your ass into a burrito.

• Denki is already pulling out the memes

• You're super excited about something? They listen as you ramble warm smiles on their faces

• They'll play with your hair, massage your scalp until your purring against it

• They have a way with you and it's obvious to everyone around them

• They are MAGIC at calming you down

• If you're upset or frustrated at a training exercise, they each have their own ways to help.

• Kiri is a softer alpha in general. Along with Sero they were both raised in house holds where they were taught being an Alpha doesnt excuse being aggressive or wreckless.

• Seros mother was a beta

• Kirishimas mother was an Alpha who was raised with Betas.

• Kiri is often holding your hand in public if you get anxious

• Or letting you lean against him when you're tired or upset

• Most people think the two of you are established but you're not

• Sero absolutely gives you his jacket if you get cold

• Minas super cuddly and touchy all the time regardless of why so more often than not she's clinging to you

• That is if she's not busy making googoo eyes at you

• Need a laugh?

• Need a laugh so hard you're wheezing and struggling to breathe?

• Five minutes. That's all the time Denki needs.

• Crackheads tm

• What's even better is when yall get together when you're both sleep deprived

• It concerns the rest of the group

• and they're curious as to why you two are curled up on the floor laughing so hard you're crying over a picture of CHEESE

• But that's what happening

• Bakugous way of showing he diesnt hate you rn is

1. Buying you food occasionally

2. Helping you train

3. Offering to study with you

• But he can be really soft too

• Like that one time you just weren't having a good day and he carried you mid breakdown to your room

• You had your legs wrapped around his waist, face buried in the back of his neck as your arms were wrapped tightly around his chest

• Being the only omega in the group, they dote on you even before they ask to offically court you

• Oh you wanted that food? A few dollars short? Dont worry baby Bakugous got you

• You want to listen to a song? Kaminari "Everyone shut the FUCK up so she can hear," Denki

• You want attention? You genuinely dont even have to ask they know

• AS I SAID BEFORE THEY WILL PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

• ESPECIALLY UNTIL YOU'RE PURRING

• S c e n t i n g

• You realize they all pretty much smell the same as a result of scenting

• And the omega definitely comes out when they scent you (even before courtship)

• They take turns scenting you

• Each time your eyes flutter close and your grip their shirt as your cheeks burn

• But it's so nice

• And you've never really been scented

• And you're leaning into the touch, Keening at them, just completely content with your place

• And they're fawning over it

• They love it

• Thus enters this weird phase where yall might be a thing but theres no offical courting

• but theres hands and scenting and you're pretty sure Mina almost kissed you the other day

• Its a lil confusing but thays okay

• When I say you're unaware that the four Alphas are a thing

• I mean you're obliviously unaware

• You just thought they were affectionate friends

• Because some friendships are very affectionate

• And then, they ALL bring you small courting gifts and

• At the same time

• And it clicks

• Fuck they're all wearing necklaces

• THE SAME NECKLACE

• Oh

• Oh

• OH

• "You want me to be everyone's omega,"

"If you're okay with it, and you like all of us, then yes."

• and obviously you're okay with it

• who wouldn't be.

• Its 10/10 lemme tell you

• you help ease tension sometimes

• Using your own pheromones or gentle touches just like they do w you

• They have uncovered another way of calming you down

• Food.

• "She's mad again," Denki whines

"Give her an apple or sumn,"

"No, you dumb bitch. Chocolate,"

"Why don't we just take her out to eat??"

"BINGO."

• They steal kisses whenever they can

• and I mean

• WHENEVER

• Onviously if youre not okay w PDA they'll lean of that ut other than that your lips are not safe

• When you go through your first heat with them, it KILLS them.

• The top floor is used for omegas when they go into heats

• Which isnt super often because if suppressants (which most omegas take,) but sometimes the suppressants get salt

• Alpha ruts are contained to their own dorms, they don't have a separate floor

• But anyway, your suppressants wear off :)

• And they learn that your heats are particularly painful

• Because they can smell the distress and frustration in the fucking stairwell

• And they /cant/ help and it /sucks/ because they want to help /so bad/

• Expect lots of kisses and hugs and cuddles when your heat is over

• And Denki crying because he missed you

• And Eijirou holding your waist as you lean against his chest

• Listen just expect a lot of affection and love in general

• Lots of touches and kisses

• Lots of sharing scented clothes too

• They'll scent just about anything you ask them too, not questions asked

• And they melt when they see you using whatever it is

• They're best alphas tm

[nepenthendline]

Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue 

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally 

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol 

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school 

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Bulgaria brings a mentally reassuring anthem to Rotterdam 2021

I’ve said so that VICTORIA herself sort of agreed to have done “Tears Getting Sober” if she was allowed to, but for one I have to thank that EBU said that the artists can’t have their 2020 songs back? You’ll see why when I get to the review after two boring paragraphs of text with technical info, for the country that is Bulgaria!

ARTIST & ENTRY INFO

Victoria Georgieva (or VICTORIA, but I can’t be arsed to continuously capitalize her name so I’ll just say Victoria from now on) was born a singer, for she started to sing at the age 11, went to a specific school of angel voices (no really that’s what it was called), and tried to go to the X Factor while a liiiiiittle too young until realizing that she needed to wait for a few years, and wait a few years she did, and went on to the X Factor again.

She didn’t win, but she still got to sign a contract and sing some stuff in Bulgarian before she decided to rebrand, started singing in English, and completely decided that ballads is her style. She cannot really do upbeat most of the time. So you can’t really have a bop from her in the future. (Well except that there’s a couple of songs in her discography that I personally classify as “bops” but they’re more like... idek sad bops?? but they can be danced to, but I get her, she doesn’t do anything that’s more loud and upbeat and clubby and summery kind of - in short, nothing you can go “YAAASSSS QUEEEEEN” over to.)

The entry she ended up singing, “Growing Up Is Getting Old”, is what I can describe to be about overcoming the emotional twists and turns inside of you as you grow older, because as it turns out, it ain’t what you thought it would be - but if you push just a little further, you realize that if you’re growing up, maybe the life isn’t so bad, afterall - you are able to get up. Somehow. It was written as part of Boris-Milanov-led songwriting camp held during summer, and a lot of people seemed to be a part of it because multiple different folk have songwriting credits on the potential Bulgarian entries this year.

REVIEW

Let’s get this out of the way immediately. I prefer “Growing Up Is Getting Old” to “Tears Getting Sober”. The former sounds a lot less irritatingly underwhelming and a lot more positively overwhelming you with warm emotions and sunglow. “Tears Getting Sober” was a song I could never really connect with - maaaaybe the last chorus is much better on there, but it doesn’t do much for me either, I guess.

Their 2021 forray however is a much different kind of thing - once again, going for lyrical non-cliches, Victoria tells a tale about her inner turmoils and continuing in life, in a way that’s personal to her and also kind of relatable to all of us. We all have these moments of fear and anxiety and nervous systems aching. If only there was someone who’d tell us that we’re worth saving... thanks a lot Victoria, you’re the MVP. Filling in the void that Netherlands from last year had brought us but not anymore - another personal song about getting old and having those kind of feelings inside - and doing a great job at taking the baton in the right way (even with featuring the word “grow” in both of the titles, neat coincidence).

Not only the lyrics feel like a hug, the song just emulates ray of sunshine and golden glitter coming down from the sky, Molly Sanden style. The violins in the G major key playing so precisely, building up momentum throughout the entire song, slowly but surely - starting with the ticking clock in the first verse that may have subtle violin in there; and the first chorus is just so simple piano, and then the second chorus has a tinge of electronic something, and the last chorus goes full in with the backing vocals boosting the song, after Victoria performs the quite magnificent bridge... now I don’t have synesthesia but I associate music keys with colors, and to me G major would always come across as something yellow or orange - “Growing Up Is Getting Old” is a perfect example of why’s that for me. And obviously, Victoria’s love for harmony-humming (even if there’s just one instance of it after she sings “star crossed soul”) complements the song to a T.

And it turned out to be a much better choice than last year’s. Maybe finally a female ballad I am getting behind.

Now I wanna know why the bookies don’t appreciate THIS entry as much as last year?

Granted, now it’s 2021 and the environment is so much different, and the songs have changed, and the dynamics have changed, and now there’s suddenly more competition at stake. And for Bulgaria it fares quite much more underwhelmingly - well, at this moment they’re like 6th, which isn’t bad, but there’s a lack of sung praises coming its way, not quite a feat that “Tears Getting Sober” actually achieved, being the bookies fave right before the cancellation of last year. In general the year has been pretty dry for the previous winner picks like Iceland, Lithuania and this, but I can’t say that the previous winner bets from 2020 are all that dead either? Though I gotta say that Bulgaria wasn’t gonna win 2020 anyway, so it’s a lose-lose in this case.

Also I just can’t at that music video being a little dramatic at the beginning, with the cancellation of Eurovision being presented as if it were a worldwide disaster during which we all shall lock ourselves into bunkers and wait until the better days, eventhough the panini is not war and war supplies kit is not just enough to survive it. But it seems like that the world is quite literally falling apart, as evidenced by Victoria going through all kinds of pathways away from her living room, meeting a  (presumably) mini version of her somewhere in between, and literally surrounded by the shaking environment by the last moments of the song

before we realize it was just reality recursing from the TV’s point of view that Victoria was watching all along, and then she leaves the living room again, but in her world, everything is normal and she could just go wherever she wants by car. Even I can’t come up with a storyline ending that’s somewhat intertwined and all plot-twisty and more confusing than that. But props to her team I guess

Approval factor: Let’s say I somewhat approve this message. Follow-up factor: For the sake of argument let me just say that Bulgaria is moving on a great path, eventhough the former entry leaves me cold, at least the current entry keeps me warm at all times, like a cup of cocoa and a good blanket. Please Bulgaria, never run out of sponsors. Qualification factor: I’ve seen one or two people throw around the “surprise NQ” tag for this song and I don’t get why??? There’s no way that the tense atmosphere of semifinal 2 would sure-fire-ly kill Bulgaria, even if they have a lot less chances to win this year than they had the last one. There can be some shock NQs indeed though, and if there are, I am paging... uhhhhh Finland? Idk why but you might see what I mean if I ever get around to reviewing “Dark Side”. Bulgaria? Never. It may not win the semi but it will cradle around the top 7 somehow.

INTERNAL NF CORNER

That’s right, Bulgaria managed to do both.

At the time when one other of Bulgaria’s songs got released, within the *Special* Eurovision September 1st-onwards range, people naturally succumbed to their primal instinct of asking whether that’s her Eurovision song... only for Vic to probably announce this early on that no, it’s just *one* of potential ESC entries she’s harbouring. And the remaining potential ones were all on her debut EP. Who actually got a more well-orchestrated schedule for everyone to follow, and yet, people were much more keen to cling on the first EP song out of the gate, “Imaginary Friend”. Now I get that the fans of that song were super upset at the revelation that IF is not going, but it is a technically strong song for the sake of being a technically strong song, and I don’t want to think that Victoria is only forced to choose the songs that can win for her, so she’s such a sweetheart for gravitating towards a song she could dearly care about. So props to her team saving the initial winner for last to be revealed, lol.

Though wasn’t her personal favourite a Billie-Eilish-lite-upbeat-kinda-track Phantom Pain?

Which was also my personal favourite?

Look, I know that favouring the only non-ballad in the whole lineup (well “Ugly Cry” is also not quite a ballad but its beat is kinda so-so, so I tend to ignore it) is kinda sus, also, y’all are sick to death to Billie Eilish comparisons, but I do believe that Billie would never be able to do an “Imaginary Friend” while Victoria could do a “Lovely”. This makes me remember the cover art of Billie’s debut album where she sits on her bed, dressed in white, and so is Victoria on this very MV, with strange shit going on behind her in the mirror. To the mirror, her reflection acts creepy, back again.

The other 2 I don’t feel like caring about enough, sure they got their cred, sure there’s one entry properly crediting Milanov (who seems to not have an actual entry this year that’s purely attributed to *him*, as opposed to 3 last year, 2 of which were performed by acts that returned this year????), sure there’s the funny thing about having a funeral song where out of this and Finland only Austria managed to send a quote unquote “funeral” song, but I think the funeral song would’ve sounded better if the pre-section of it on the “Phantom Pain” video was THE “funeral” song itself, and not whatever was that other funeral song.

In between there was a public sort of survey where people could submit feedback and positive words to Vic’s choices to help her decide - I didn’t get to vote but I feel fine with the winner eitherway, and that counts for something! And the end result was revealed at the very end of Victoria’s very own rooftop concert.

The colors on the circle thingy of this, they were meant to symbolize all Bulgarian entries up to Victoria’s 2nd one, in pictograms that kind of reminded me of Coldplay attributing every song on ‘Mylo Xyloto’ its own little symbol.

The concert was not only full of music and also adverts for the inaugural sponsor iCard (that also included some element of foreshadow in between the suspense, you’ll see why), but also the Bulgarian folk talking before each song, saying all the positive nice words they can for Vic; that she’s talented, and that they were so excited that Bulgaria was doing well in the odds last year prior to cancellation, bla bla bla... also some people were proud of voting for Bulgaria outside Bulgaia, and they made puns about the forthcoming songs on the concert that they were introducing, and so on, and there was also someone called Dara, whom I really want to be sent by Bulgaria one day to show off that they’re not afraid of doing trashy-esque bops that don’t necessarily win

Also they reminded me that Lucy from No Angels (aka the sole reason Bulgaria 12′d Germany in 2008) still exists.

Also Azis.

There was also an intermission where Eurovision 2021 acts could say all the nice words to Victoria on their own part. And several artists chose to... how shall I put it... use up their several seconds rather interestingly. Like how The Roop would say something real quick only to delve into more of their usual “let’s dance, let’s discoteque! *hand scissors* ;P” self-promo, and Senhit carelessly being allowed to say whatever she wants in Italian without subtitles <3 Sorry sis, they’re only given to people from another white-green-red flag-color country.

About the iCard foreshadow... so there’s their advert about Victoria waiting in the line to get something in the Soft Vocals Store, and people ahead of her giving her money the standard oldfashioned way, and the old lady at the counter is... slow, to say the least. After a good amount of time spent waffling around, Victoria finally pulls out the iCard application and pays for the imaginary items she wants, then narrates some stuff about said application, and a Eurovision entry of hers plays when the old lady is at home, spending time in front of TV enjoying the music. Before the concert, the song that played was “Tears Getting Sober”. The advert played once more before Victoria’s big entry decision and entry MV reveal, and in place of the 2020 entry, “Growing Up Is Getting Old” was the one that sounded out loud... Now you may think that there were attempts at some sort of spoilage here, but after that ad before the concert EP NF result, there was this other advert starring Victoria that played “Imaginary Friend” at the end, a last-ditch effort to trick viewers into going “see? just because that ad played the chosen song doesn’t mean it’s the chosen song!! this song could as well be a chosen song as well!!” yeah no shut up GUIGO IS the chosen song kthxbyebye.

ANY LAST WORDS?

Having said all that praise, I actually have “Growing Up Is Getting Old” fairly low on my ranking. It’s just because the year is so damn good and I have a lot more songs to care about more than this, but I appreciate the gesture that this singer is sending very much. Good luck on your road to conquer Europe, Victory-ia, I’m sure you get the best of the experience and all, because you would deserve it.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #433

“i really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel: i’m going ‘round in circles”

Would you rather visit Rome or Spain? Rome. Do you really care what’s going on in celebrities' lives? Depends on the person. If I have a big interest in them, like Mark, then yes, because I care about that person and want to know they're well. Have you ever broke a plate/bowl? Accidentally. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Can you do a backwards London bridges? Hell no, I'd bust my ass and spine. Are any of your pets “overweight”? Why the quotations? But anyway, no. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? Yeah. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? The breakup with my first real bf. And well yeah, it resulted in PTSD. It sounds so overdramatic, I know, but I'm not even remotely exaggerating. Live a day in my head and tell me it's not actual trauma. If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? God no, not right now. I am not in a position to be married right now. Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over? My damaged side wants to say yes, but I know to be realistic, we both failed in unique areas. He didn't communicate, and I just put too much weight on him. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's Hard Lemonade. What were the first lessons you ever took? Ummm I want to say choir? Did you ever go to a mental hospital? Multiple times. Do you believe that weed should be legalized? Yes. Have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? Yes. If you could transform into something, what would that something be? Uhhh idk. Maybe a cat? Out of 10, (10 being really shy) how shy are you? Oh, easily a 10. When was the first moment you discovered love? I actually don't really know the moment I realized I was in love w/ Jason. It was a gradual thing, so no one occasion stands out. What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made? Well, I suppose accepting Jason's Facebook friend request because I thought he was a different Jason. I can't think of many good mistakes I've made... Even the one I mentioned, it's debatable how good that one was. I really do wonder how different my life would be if I declined it. What do you think of frogs? I love frogs! They're so cute and derpy. :') Who did you last worry about and why? My cat, because he was apparently hiding somewhere and Mom couldn't find him. Who did you last feel sorry for and why? Sara, because of health stuff she's dealing with. Is there a name that you can’t stand but it’s the name of a loved one? It sucks, I feel like this burning in my stomach a lot of the time when I hear "Ashley" because that was Jason's girlfriend after me. But I have a sister with the same name. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? I'm not, and I don't think Mom actively is, though we both want to move. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? I don't think I ever have. Well... maybe once? idr Do you believe there’s a devil? No. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, actually. Did you watch the last presidential inauguration? I've never watched one. Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I don't consider myself a true "fan," no. I only like two songs that I know. Do you have your own lighter (why or why not)? No, because I don't need one? Do you believe in miracles (why or why not)? No. I just don't. Everything has the have a cause and reason. How often do you sleep naked? Never. Are you looking forward to your prom? If you already went, how was it? I went twice, and it was fun. I especially loved having the pictures taken that I regret wiping from the face of the earth. Prom itself was pretty bland each time, like you can't hear shit and they just play awful music, but still. I was a teenager with a very fairytale outlook on love and wanted to just feel like I was in one I guess. Do you prefer Quizno's or Subway and why? I don't think I've ever tried Quizno's, actually. What’s one of your best memories from during a rain storm? I don't know. Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? It was to see if I broke my foot, I think? If that's the one, then no. I also had my legs x-rayed at some point to see if they could find any damage there because of my extreme weakness in them, but there wasn't. Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? I actually don't know. Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No. Do you know anybody who was abused? Yes. Have you ever touched an elephant? No. How many siblings do you have? I have five I "count," but I do have another half-sister on my dad's side that I don't know. I want to, but yeah... it just hasn't happened. Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily? I've never gotten bored of any s/o I've had. Who do you want for president? I voted for Biden. Do you think abortions are horrible? No. Forcing someone to undergo what can easily be considered a traumatic experience is horrible. Do you enjoy drama? Ugh, no. Have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? I've had a few. Were you/are you popular in school? No. I was very much under the radar and mostly stuck to myself and a small group of friends. What brand clothing do you wear the most? No clue. Have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as Wicca? Yes, actually, when I was leaning towards Neo-Paganism. I did research into some of its branches, such as Wicca. Are you a wrestling fan? Not at all. I honestly think it's dumb. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I want to say Troy? It never felt THAT long to me though because I love it. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Do you think spending a ridiculously large amount of money on one designer item is stupid? It sure as hell isn't for me; I lean towards people can spend their hard-earned money on whatever they want, BUT I do feel that they could still spend their money on more important things. Do you find baths relaxing? No, they gross me out. Do you have any hats? I probably still have the hat Dad got me at a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game somewhere, but idk where. Has any part of your house ever been flooded? Not on the interior, no. Have you ever been interested in learning about murderers or murder cases? Not especially. Is there anyone that you’re worried about right now? Who and why? I'm just about praying Sara's new med for her POTS helps. I think me worrying how Jason is doing after his mother's death is gonna be a permanent fixture in the back of my head... If you won a lot of money, would you donate any of it? To what organization would you donate it? Oh, absolutely. I'd have to do some research first, but the Trevor Project comes to mind immediately, as well as ones that protect wildlife, help the mentally ill, fight cancer... Are you a competitive person? What are you most competitive about? Not really, no. I have my areas where I'm more likely to feel it than others, but it's generally mild. I'm not too sure what I'm most competitive about, but maybe outdoing other hunters in WoW since that's my main class that I've played religiously for years. Have you ever adopted a stray animal? Yes. What do you appreciate most about your parent(s)? The fact they somehow still support me even though I'm like... this. I feel like I should've exhausted their faith by now. Do you believe America should legalize drugs? If you think they should legalize only some drugs, which drugs do you think they should legalize? I only support the legalization of weed. What is your biggest turn-off of a person (besides physically)? Arrogance, probably. Or being aggressive/explosive. What song cover do you like better than the original? "Sound of Silence" by Disturbed, for one. That one's easy. If you could find one long-lost friend of the past, who would it be? Megan. I want her to know I forgive her and miss her friendship. What holiday do you enjoy the most? Christmas. (: Were you born in the state you live in? Yep. Have you ever lived in a house that has been broken into? No, but almost. Who do you know that watches the most sports? Probably my dad? Idk. Do you like South Park? Not really. Are you good at bowling? No. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Three minutes is nothin' lmao. Have you ever gone snorkeling or scuba diving? If yes, what’s the coolest thing you’ve seen? No, but I'd love to. What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Caramel. What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? Abstinence was the only option. Heteronormativity. What’s the first instrument you ever played? Ha, a recorder back in elementary school. Have you ever had a friend break up with a bf/gf for you? Essentially. We didn't date, but that's why he broke up with her, because he wanted me instead. Do you see a bright light at the end of your tunnel? I don't like thinking about this. I can only hope there is, but I doubt it a lot. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No. Is there such a thing as being too rich or too poor? "Too poor" is very obviously a thing??? "Too rich" is more complicated to me, as I can see both sides to it. Like it's your hard-earned money, but at the same time, is it really necessary at a certain point? Like start donating regularly or something. Do something good. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Depends on how expensive, I suppose, and what you use it for. What’s your largest bill? Electric, gas, phone, etc. I don't have any of my own bills. It's embarrassing by this age. Do you like your job? I'd like to even have a job... What is your favorite song and why? "False Flags" by Massive Attack, because it's so poetically haunting in its message of how fucked up politics are. Its monotonous tone also adds another layer of sadness to it, like a reminder of how "normal" and bland and unsurprising everything is, no matter how horrible... I could honestly probably write an essay on how I interpret the song, especially if you add in the incredible symbolism of such a simplistic music video. Are you introverted or extroverted? I am very introverted. If you’re married and your spouse cheated on you, would you forgive them? Nope, byeeeee~ Who knows the real you the most? Sara, really. How old is the oldest person you’ve had sexual relations with? He'd be 27 now. Have you been upset the past few days? My PTSD has been kinda vicious the past couple days, especially today. Then earlier at my nephew's b-day party I had to nearly bite my fucking tongue off with that family's political bullshit. My anger really flared up a few times hearing despicable shit, but I think I concealed it fine by just not saying a word. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever thought of doing for a job? Nothing "crazy," really... Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney had my young heart, ha ha. When did you last see or speak to someone you dislike? Why do you dislike this person? Today, at my nephew's aforementioned b-day party. I in specific don't like my sister's husband because he's sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted... I could go on and on. We don't just have "different opinions," we have different morals entirely. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I almost always just listen. I don't sing a lot. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? Today. PTSD is a bitch. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Quite honestly, I don't think I would want to live anymore. Have you ever been to the hospital for something really serious? I'd consider an OD on cold medicine to be serious, but then again, I experienced almost no effects from it. Idk if I just got fluids fast enough or what, but whatever it was, I'm thankful for. Are you excited for winter? UGGGHHHH BRING IT ONNNNNNN. Have you ever had a moment with someone you like that seemed like a movie moment? Many. What are you listening to right now? "Down In The Park" by Marilyn Manson. What’s your favourite flavour of iced tea? Tea is gross. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? I haven't. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? NOOOOOOOO. I could never do that. What’s your favourite place to get pizza? Literally Domino's, lmao. I am so basic. Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone? No. There sure isn't anything important on it. What’s the most number of people you’ve ever lived with? Five.

[xxcureangelxx]

5, 9, 10, 13, 20, 21, 24, 25, 28, 30-35, 38-42, 44-46, 50, 52, 54, 60-62, 66, 71-74, 86-91, 96, 100! 😊

okay I literally have no clue how old this is and if I'm even taking the questions from the right post but here goes I guess? 🙈

<u>5. What is your favorite Color?</u>

PURPLE

<u>9. How tall are you?</u>

about 1,70 meters or 5'7"

<u>10. What shoe size are you?</u>

size 40-41, I think that's about 8 in US sizes?

<u>13. What talents do you have?</u>

uhhh good question... not sure if it counts but I guess I'm quite good at a lot if things but can't do anything extraordinarily well?

<u>20. Are you religious?</u>

Absolutely not. Due to family history and a lot of other things I'm actually against it a lot but people can do whatever they feel like is right for them as long as they don't harm others with it.

<u>21. Have you ever been to the hospital?</u>

Yes, quite a lot actually. practically grew up in hospitals as a baby because of kidney issues, broke both my legs with 4 years old, had to revisit for tests a lot during my childhood because of the kidney issue. it calmed down afterwards until I was back in hospital last year because of my terrible mental health and I'm currently in a rehabilitation clinic for it as well.

<u>24. Baths or showers?</u>

Shower's because we don't have a bathtub

<u>25. What color socks are you wearing?</u>

currently none, I love going barefoot, but usually I wear white, gray or black. I know... I'm a bad gay.. no rainbow socks (;ŏ﹏ŏ)

<u>28. What type of music do you like?</u>

you know.... I hate this question with a passion even though I love music so I'll just throw in my yt-playlist here and everyone who's interested can look through it to get a picture xD not sorted in any way and not a conclusive list at all, I just add songs as I find them

<u>30. How many pillows do you sleep with?</u>

mostly just one at a time but I've got two different ones. one is the normal fluffy kinda pillow, the other is made of some kinda foam material and rather thin.

<u>31. What position do you usually sleep in?</u>

I'm always lying on the side! have been doing that since I was a baby too.

<u>32. How big is your house?</u>

compared to what? 🙈 I'd say decent size for 5 people to live in, would have space for 1-2 more if rooms were used differently but definitely not enough to comfortably live with 12 or even more people like my family used to. we've got like 3 proper sleeping rooms (one of which is the attic so not very nice in terms of heat and the staircase is smack in the middle of the room), a kitchen, a dining room, a big living room, a tiny bathroom that barely fits a toilet and shower, and the basement is a mix of storage, electrics and stuff, washing room/utility room and it's got another smaller room that's been turned back into a small workshop but used to be the room of my brother and later my grandmother.

<u>33. What do you typically have for breakfast?</u>

I guess this is where it shows that I'm german but we usually just eat bread (preferably whole grain) with cheese or slices of salami or ..meat sausage? is that a proper translation? 🤨 idk... it's rather simple really. on the weekend maybe buns and boiled eggs. on the occasion that I'm too tired for it or don't have enough time I eat cereals but it's not very common when I'm at work/school

<u>34. Have you ever fired a gun?</u>

No, and I don't want to

<u>35. Have you ever tried archery?</u>

Yes!! I did last year when I was in the hospital and it was super fun! was quite good at it as well, even for my first try 😤

<u>38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?</u>

I think about 3 days? if we count "barely unconscious for a few hours" as sleep that is... otherwise no clue...my memory of the bad sleepless time is quite hazy lol

<u>39. Do you have any scars?</u>

yeah, quite a few tbh. got 2 huge ones from surgeries due to my kidney issues, well they look like 2 but it's actually multiple ones since they simply cut open party of the old ones again, tiny hooman apparently have very little skin. then I got some other ones here and there from accidents, general dumbness, etc, like when I cut through my sunday morning bun and almost cut half of the tip of my finger off because my mother sharpened the knife and didn't tell me or that time as a kid I couldn't wait for my ironing pearl pictures to be done and burned myself on the hot iron, mostly stuff like that.

<u>40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?</u>

I mean.. if they're a secret... how would I know? ;) not sure if it counts that it took me months to realize I had a crush on my best friend and the feelings were reciprocated and I was too blind to see the signs?

<u>41. Are you a good liar?</u>

Nope. People actually think I'm lying more often than I lie... so.... :/

<u>42. Are you a good judge of character?</u>

I'm.. honestly not sure what this one means? like, am I able to judge what kind of character a person has after barely meeting them or smth? if so, I'm terrible at it

<u>44. Do you have a strong accent?</u>

in german? nope. in english? hmm hard to judge since I rarely hear myself speak. I think the stuff I do know how to pronounce is mostly okay but since I learned it through reading I'm simply unsure of a lot of pronunciations. 'also'.... I can not for the life of me pronouns that word no matter how many times I hear it... it's kinda become a quirk after some classmates pointed it out to me and I'm incredibly aware how terrible I say the word but.... just can't get rid of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

<u>45. What is your favorite accent?</u>

I.. actually really love the way my best friend talks? 👉👈 they're french btw. just... typical me for struggling to understand them though, already terrible at it in german too...

<u>46. What is your personality type?</u>

honestly, I don't think I can answer that. I'm big on self loathing and everything's pretty shitty so, no thanks

<u>50. Left or right handed?</u>

Right handed. but does it even count id I'm bad at doing things with that hand too? lol

<u>52. Favorite food?</u>

hmmmm tough question... not the biggest fan of food in general a lot of the time... probably Züricher Geschnetzeltes

<u>54. Are you a clean or a messy person?</u>

Definitely messy. my allergies did not like this post trying to clean and tidy up more often though. my depression does not like this post either

<u>60. Do you talk to yourself?</u>

sometimes. quite a bit when watching movies or if I mess stuff up

<u>61. Do you sing to yourself?</u>

barely. got a lot of bad experiences with that so i keep my singing to a minimum. my shower is a great listener though

<u>62. Are you a good singer?</u>

I was in a choir for a few years when I went to 'middle school' and I had like one solo part once but other than that I can't really say because I barely ever sing in front of people

<u>66. Do you like long or shor hair?</u>

this question is currently my absolute nemesis.. I've got suuuper duper long hair and have had it ever since elementary school and I used to be super happy with it and sometimes I still am happy with it but other days, depending on where I'm at genderwise, I absolutely hate it and I just want to take the closest scissors and cut it all off... currently haven't had the guts to look for new hair styles though... but in other people? or women more specifically? I love long hair 🥺

<u>71. What makes you nervous?</u>

Or the shorter question: what doesn't make me nervous... I'd say pretty much everything has got the potential to make me nervous. I'm an overthinker, anxiety is a big thing for me and ptsd makes me scared of almost everything. so.. yeah... sucks to be me sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

<u>72. Are you scared of the dark?</u>

Yes, very

<u>73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?</u>

I try not to but sadly I sometimes do, even if it's not my place to. I really don't like that part and hope I'll be able to learn not to sometime

<u>74. Are you ticklish?</u>

Yes and I hate it 😭

<u>86. What are you allergic to?</u>

again, easier question: what am I not allergic to... it's... a lot... like, really a lot. with the test on the skin of my arm I reacted to every single substance and the more thorough blood test lead to much of the same result. the absolute worst are birch trees (pitty, love those), then the usual pollen of pretty much every tree or flower, all animals with fur or feathers, dust and... yeah list goes on and on, you get the picture... :/

<u>87. Do you keep a journal?</u>

no.. have tried to multiple times in the past but never made it more than a week... too depressing to write and read... the therapist at the rehab clinic is currently forcing me to try a positivity diary for the millionths time, can't even get that done each day even though I'm doing it on my phone and get notifications to do it each evening...

<u>88. What do your parents do?</u>

making my life hell lol.. okay on a serious note, my father was a car electrician, he's retired by now, my mother is a housewife, she used to work different jobs before her first kid, later on she took care of my grandmother who was suffering from dementia, got some money and retirement points for that too.

<u>89. Do you like your age?</u>

I-... I don't know? it's weird because I both feel a lot younger and a lot older than I am rn....

<u>90. What makes you angry?</u>

another tough question... I actually have anger issues in that way that I'm barely capable of feeling anger... used to be worse but I already worked a lot on it in therapy so there's at least some there now... in the past I simply started to cry and felt overwhelmed by sadness whenever I was supposed to feel anger... so I can't tell very well what makes me angry because I first have to realize that I'm feeling anger or more like should be feeling it....

<u>91. Do you like your own name?</u>

Not really, no, but I guess I finally figured out some reasons why.. I've recently started going by a bit of a different name too but only my closest friends know so far and I'm not sure if I'll be using it irl at all..

<u>96. How did you get your name?</u>

I'm still trying to get my mother to admit that she named me after this song but she keeps denying it.. she's a fan of this band so it would have fit.. but she keeps saying she just liked the name, no long thought process behind it..

my chosen name is a bit of a different story. an ex friend I got to know through yt gave me that nickname almost 10 years ago after I complained that you can't make a shorter nickname out of my birthname and it's also the name of s character I like, especially his voice, and... idk it just feels more gender neutral and I simply feel comfortable with it. it just fit.

<u>100. Color of your room?</u>

same as question 5: Purple 🥰 or... well half the walls are purple, the other half is white

phew... can't believe I made it through all of these....

in case people haven't noticed yet, I'm currently kinda getting back into tumblr? I think I've already stayed a lot longer than any times I tried getting back before. it mostly started because we've got super bad wifi at the clinc I'm at rn and reddit takes up waaayy too much mobile data and... idk, I guess I just missed the vibe of tumblr

I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stick around but we'll see

[404fmdhaon]

aesthetic & headcanon — re[gone] analysis of each song

summary: re[gone] is the title of haon’s first full-length album. each song becomes something personal that dives into gyujeong’s own versions of freud’s theory. id becomes the ‘i’m so sad, boohoo.’ sad boy hours. ego becomes ‘life’s whatever’. and superego becomes ‘hahaha im on top of the world, fuck you all.’ rebellion, sadness — he calls it a mix of what the past decade’s been. elaboration on the songs below. (yes i know that’s not correct freudian psychology, but im saying it’s how gyu separates the songs into threes). warnings: none wc: 1569

middle fingers up

middle fingers up is the opener of the album and falls into the big ‘fuck you against the world’ type deal. it’s almost cheery in nature if you just listen to the beat, but the lyrics dig a lot deeper into how gyu feels as an idol.

he doesn’t have many friends to begin with, but that doesn’t stop people from approaching him and wanting to be “friends” which he just sees as a business transaction. because for the most part, he’s kept to himself. yet, doesn’t see why that would make people want to be his friend aside from the ‘he’s in knight’ factor

so it’s his fuck you song where he tells people to shove it. eat it. because in the end, what he’s left with is that ‘i don’t need you’ attitude. i’d see it more as a defense mechanism because he just doesn’t want to let people in? so he puts on this fake bravado of i don’t need you.

artist

artist is what he calls the thing between ‘i’m on top of the world’ and ‘life’s whatever.’ this song was written with his friend, and mentioned before in past headcanons it was meant to give his npc friend more clout so that his friend could make a living from music

it’s a fun song, a very serious juxtaposition of very different sounds. as a result, at first listen it’s not that good to the ears when you hear it without the lyrics / vocals.

this was the song that was finished the fastest in the span of one night? and after performing it many times on shows, it’s just not his favorite to perform. the styling was not his forte either as bc put this weird outfit that just seemed to not fit with what he envisioned

but he will say, the royalties his friends are getting makes him proud.

omen

omen is another ‘fuck you’ song to the world. it’s meant to be a response to everyone in the underground community who has looked down upon him for being an idol rapper

it’s saying that they’re the ones complaining about him, yet the ones that are trying to be like him. this goes in his top three from this album, and one he begged bc to let him release because at first bc was like ‘idk.. it kinda doesn’t sound as bc as we want.���

however, the result of this song made the underground rappers he was targeting release a diss track? and though he wants to respond to it, it seems unlikely seeing as how he’s still an idol

this one does not get accepted well by knight’s fan base but does drive attention from the underground children

phone ft. jiah

originally, gyu didn’t have anyone in mind for the feature. just knew he wanted a feature, so when the song was given to bc to analyze — they decided to push the “bc family image” between him and jiah (natural blonde line holla). as a result, jiah became the feature 

though gyu wouldn’t admit, the song does become better because of jiah’s vocals.

it’s a story written in the lyrics, autobiography? not really, well kind of. there’s bits and traces of his own life inside the song where discussions about a fight / lapse of communication of the girl picking fights because she hasn’t figured herself out

that frustration? he’s felt it many times in the past with his first love, and that in turn made this song — though, he no longer harbors those frustrated feelings towards her anymore. he just misses her.

let’s not love anymore

this is a more singing rap song, as he wanted to involve as many genres as he could in one album. mainly because it was a hail mary, and he didn’t know when his next opportunity would be? 

the singing rap fit this song well enough, and it becomes a song where he highlights the hopeless romantic in him? he fell for someone who used to be a close friend, and the song was written during the “some” phase, where they were in limbo to the point they didn’t know what they were or a will-they or wont-they dynamic

explains the concept of ‘why we should not be in love’. and mini-memoirs of things he’d do while he was falling into place. though the person and him ended up badly to the point where they don’t talk anymore, gyu still enjoys the song because it teaches him to 1) never act upon feelings and 2) stop writing sad love songs.

take care of you

i’m going to keep this short and simple that this song is the most personal one on his album. the song he loves the most, yet hurts the most to sing. as a result, he doesn’t want to touch it but instead it was released for the person whom it was written about to hear.

the mv was low budget via bc. (gyu doesn’t care. just wants her to hear it).

beautiful

beautiful is another on the sad love song train list, only it’s not so sad. in retrospect, he finds it sad? because he was a lovelorn schmuck when he wrote it — that feeling of love he hasn’t experienced again. and that in turn causes him to cling on?

the piano use is frequent in a majority of the songs but i think it’s most prevalent in this track mainly because it dealt with parts of his past where the person whom it was written about knew about his family ties and he ties starting music to her. 

fun fact: this is the song that suddenly makes fans all ‘look at how romantic haon is.’ and leads to some speculation as to who the girl is (newsflash: it’s not an idol — but his fans don’t know that)

aslyum

very similar to omen — it has a nice singing portion to the chorus which gyujeong wanted to keep for fluidity of the songs. 

however, despite the easy listening it becomes a song more towards omen and the ‘fuck you all’. only this time it’s a response to when people in the underground community ask if it’s nice living life at the top

idol life isn’t all what it is, and hence how the song came about. wanted to express that life at top is lonely, and that people should not judge based on what’s flashed on tv. however, he doesn’t bet anyone got that since most fans skip over the song (for what he’s been told).

downtown baby

maybe it was all a dream? but this song was inspired by his one night stand in berlin. he basically never indulges in those but there was something enticing about the woman, reminded him of a girl from his past. 

she spurred a week long escapade? where he thought it was in love. but it started as quickly as it ended, and he lost contact with her altogether. in reality, he still debates whether it was a dream, vivid and full or whether it was real. wonders how she does time to time.

the charming point of the song is the easy singalong, and the addicting hook? which he didn’t intend on making that way, but it fell that way when he found himself singing the songs long after recording.

he’d give this song a personal 7/10. high-mid range on his album, but bc loves the outcome bc 1) it feeds into knight bad boy image and 2) it does well

meteor

once again this was done with an npc friend in the underground scene. gyujeong wanted something triumphant, and it’s embarrassing but he used to listen to one republic a lot as a kid in boarding school. fell upon their music, and that subconsciously inspired the general beat of the song

the song becomes his ode to how far he’s come, and how the difficulty of an uphill battle lead him here. it’s starts off showing off his material goods and throwing a huge party in the mv, but in the end what becomes is his declaration that he’s the meteor that will break the world

high self-esteem in this song, but it’s really not real. he just felt in that moment weightless because he was with good company, and the vibes were good

the best part about this song is that his friend saved up enough money to buy a car and start producing for other big names. and gyujeong gains secondhand satisfaction from that

superstar

meteor was the come up, superstar was the come down back to reality. superstar talks also about a lot of material goods — people always talk about the money knight makes and how nice it must be to live large, etc.

however, gyujeong combats these stereotypes talking about how it’s nice yeah — and he’s this bigshot doing all these things. yet, there’s a cry out for help. 

in retrospect, this is his cry for help where he wants someone. anyone to listen. because the more fame dwells upon him, the more pressures become heightened and he feels more isolated from the world around him

he acknowledges his position and his privilege but still finds life lonely — another song making him wonder if people got the actual meaning of the song.

this also makes his top three on his album.

[jellyfishdoodler]

Ladies and Gentlemen and all the beautiful people outside and between, it’s my honor to present to you the new barbershop troop of the Ego Universe:

The Septic Quintet!

I have fought with myself for like 2 weeks on this drawing but I’m SO happy with the results!! I hope you guys like it to! ^^

Bonus: Transparent polaroid version, playlist of songs that inspired me while working, and some headcanons/ drabbles under the cut! :D

Playlist of Barbershop/ songs that inspired me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gADlgxrnAdQ&list=PLQvnEz4p9_4d23rgrqkBGYxsW3nI1TvBj

*cracks knuckles* Here we go! (I talked about these headcanons a lot with the awesome @owletry and @pistachio-lan so I can’t take all the credit for all these. Thanks for putting up with my bullshit guys lmao)

Everyone’s parts (highest to lowest): Marvin as first tenor, Chase as second tenor (and lead of the group), Schneep as baritone, and Jackie as bass.

Schneep and Jackie are able to trade parts quite easily but they prefer where they are in the group.

While Jameson can’t *sing* with the group, he still is an important member! He not only acts as like a director for the boys, he also plays accompanying instruments like the ukulele, trumpet (yes Sean’s blue trumpet specifically), and sometimes kazoo if they’re singing more of a joke song for fun. He also whistles tunes when it’s called for!

And before every show/ performance they ask the audience if there’s any deaf folks in the crowd. If there is, Jameson perks up happily and sets aside his instruments and instead signs for those who need it.

Since it’s these dudes, I can’t imagine them being a totally serious barbershop quartet/ quintet- so their style is heavily influenced by comedy and the group “The Newfangled Four” (there’s a few of their songs on the playlist and they’re EXACTLY how I picture the egos are like on stage. Especially with Chase and Jackie beat-boxing like in TNF’s Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Schneep nudges them and they get back into their regular positions for at least a moment before moving to the next bit)

Schneep pretends to TRY and keep the others under control but in reality it’s just for the bit and he’s having a lot of fun being up there with them.

Jackie and Marvin have an on-going bit of where they go back and fourth about who’s the better singer of the group and often have mini sing-offs (they usually sing “Anything You Can Do” from Annie Go Get Your Gun and it’s a crowd favorite). Chase is egging them on and keeping the audience engaged while Schneep rolls his eyes and pretends to be all like, “MUST you two do this EVERY time?” It’s all in good fun tho.

Not only does JJ play instruments and act as a sort of director for the others, he also runs a lot of the VISUAL gags and hands out props to the others when it’s required. Also he put on big reactions to what they’re singing to try and have the audience do the same (like laughing, booing, cheering, and just over-all getting them involved while the boys sing).

The whole barbershop thing was Chase’s idea and it came out on a whim while the five of them were all drinking together one night. They were all messing around singing random songs and bar shanties together and Chase noticed, “Oh damn we actually sound good?? Dudes, let’s make a band.” And after a lot of research and a some more (sober) practice they all decided, “Oh hell yeah, this is gonna be cool.”

They started out just going out and singing in bars/ on the streets spontaneously (after JJ helps start with a pitch pipe). It always drew a crowd and turned heads and it was awesome! And eventually they started getting invited to events and parties to perform for.

Anti isn’t in the group for a few reasons. 1) He’s an asshole. 2) Can’t sing worth SHIT (sounds super auto-tuned lmao). 3) He thinks the whole idea is stupid and he fuckin’ hates their dorky-ass outfits. (Marvin: “I’m not a fan either, but at least I make it look good.”)

But since they got an extra outfit/ hat they use what would have been Anti’s hat as a tip jar. But being the ass that he is, Anti would claim the money was his. “It’s my hat, so it should be my cash.” (Chase: “... Bitch?”) 

Chase and Henrik’s favorite song to sing (about Anti) while JJ plays the ukulele aggressively is “No More ... To Give” by Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq. It’s just.. so perfect. And animation worth... Hm.

Smol angst/ fluff time! :D Song

It gets hard sometimes, yaknow? Some nights Chase’s depression gets the best of him so he just mopes in the kitchen drinking in his sweatpants. The others find him and share some sad looks before Jameson gets an idea. He casually saunters over with his hands behind his back while whistling a tune that they all recognize with silent snickers and grins. Chase perks up at Jameon’s whistling and the other’s singing, starting the first song they ever learned as a group. Marvin taking the lead to start with Jackie and Schneep joining vocals soon after, “Whenever life gets you down, keeps you wearing a frown, and the gravy train has left you behind. And when you’re all out of hope, down at the end of your rope, and nobody’s there to throw you a line...”

They all pause and look to Chase with hopeful expressions and the father shakes his head with a grin and continues the song, “If you ever get so low that you don’t know which way to go, come on and take a walk in my shoes. Never worry about a thing, got the world on a string ‘cause I got the cure for all of my blues~”

“All of his blues~” They all sing in soft harmony for a moment, crowding around Chase in a sort of hug before taking a breath in unison and singing as a group, holding back their laughs to try and make it through the first part, “I take a look at my enormous penis~!”

“And my troubles start-a melting away~”

They found this song when first getting into barbershop and it never failed to make them all burst into laughter by the end of it. Singing it together always cheered them up almost instantly because of how ridiculous and silly it was. Yes it may have been a little immature, but c’mon! It’s a good song and they sound DAMN good singing it together. They never sang this one in public, of course- unless it was requested at a bar or something- so they keep it more to themselves as an inside joke and therapy song that always pulls out a giggle from them

And I think that’s everything! If you read through all that.. wowie. XD I’m sorry? I’ve just been really into this idea while working on it and I really wanna draw all of the ideas but I’m so lazy/ fleeting motivation idk if I’ll ever get around to it ^^;; But if you have any ideas/ headcanons for this dumb idea of mine, please share!! I’d love an excuse to gush more about these musical bois lmao

If you got to this point put a “:d” in the tags so I know how crazy you fuckin are lol

[onstarsandiron]

Band AU Outline

Because where else am I going to put this?

[Lol I made it long, it’s under the readmore]

Scene 1 is Jax is trying to get coffee for his shitty boss and this asshole bumps into him, spills it all over him, and has the goddamn nerve to not stick around. Jax doesn’t know how he feels about the $50 bill casually thrown at him before Asshole runs off

Scene 2 is Robb arriving late to after school rehearsal and smelling faintly like coffee and his stupid brother is there and sneers at him because Eric is sooooo perfect and Eric gets to be the one that plays the violin, the instrument that everyone likes, and Robb is here playing the bass. Well fuck you, Eric, because Robb’s a damn good bass player and he actually likes how it sounds, thank you very much. If he’d gotten stuck with the viola he would have killed himself; he’d literally be second fiddle to Eric.

Scene 3 is Jax on his lunch break talking to Ana about their bassist or something I think? 

Scene 4 is Robb secretly practicing his electric bass in a quiet part of the mansion, like he always does, playing along with youtube videos and learning whatever he feels like

Scene 5 is Jax arriving at the venue and finally feeling the stress of the day wash off a little

Scene 6 is Robb arriving at the venue; he’s got a genuine ticket, but he brought his electric bass to try and say he’s part of the opening act or something and get backstage to try and get an autograph (maybe got dared to get one?) This goes, of course, wrong when the stage runner insists on personally seeing him to the correct dressing room saying they’ve been looking for their goddamn bassist all over the place, where the fuck have you been? and just shoves him in 

Queue: “YOU!” “Me?” Robb studied the other’s face, looking for where he’d know those features from. Suddenly it came to him. Oh. Oh no. Coffee boy. “Oh no,” Rob said, unable to help it, “Me.” 

Robb fucking OWES Jax for that bullshit, he may have payed for replacement coffee, but you can’t pay for replacement dignity, and that was his FAVORITE sweater. What’s that instrument he has? A bass? Fucking good because Barger is a no-show and they’re on in 15. 

Ana’s drums, Di does keyboard and synth, Jax is lead (only) guitar and lead (only) singer -- Di cannot carry a note to save the galaxy and Ana gets too excited and just ends up screaming more than singing (you physically cannot stop her from doing this, mind you, so mostly Jax just doesn’t give her a mic. It helps only so very much. To be fair, it is Ana’s band, so she has a certain right to do whatever she wants) They are the Dossier [Idk if I wanna include Xu and Elara in here yet; if I do, Elara’s a techie and Xu is additional tech support + Social media manager/marketing/gig booking/etc]

Queue the gang tearing up Robb’s pretty boy outfit to get grungier bc if you believe Ana started some kinda new wave bullshit band full of crooners you’re goddamn wrong. They do loud hard rock and you can die made about it. Also Jax applies Robb’s eyeliner and Robb has never had a more intimate moment with an individual without actually touching one another in his life. 

Then there’s the show. Lucky for Robb they’re playing all covers and it’s stuff that he knows. unluckily for Robb, it’s completely different to playing quietly in his tucked away chamber to youtube videos. He makes do, though. 

He’s kind of mouthing along to the words he knows and then he’s singing them quietly and then he’s singing them outright and then Jax notices and somehow there’s now been a mic placed in front of him and he’s become backup vocals now and if he believed in fake things he’d think Jax was actually pleased about this. Wow, performing sure makes your heart beat hard.

Then they’re taking a bow and off the stage before he even knows it. He thinks now he’ll be shooed off, but actually they let him watch the actual concert with them and then there’s like an after party and they let him tag along and actually he has a really good time (He gets that autograph he wanted too lol)

Like a week later he gets a call from Ana -- Di had made him sign a goddamn liability waiver including personal and emergency contact info -- and turns out that Barger skipped town for reasons which are genuinely undisclosed but 99% probably because he has a gambling problem. They need a new bassist. He worked out well in a pinch, does he think he can make practices monday at 7? 

So that’s how Robb starts sneaking around to be in this band and play little gigs here and there and it isn’t the sort of places anyone from his circle would be involved in and it isn’t so big that he’s so very worried about an internet presence (he does “”Shyly”” hide behind his hand when Di tries to get pictures for their social media). Robb like tells his mom he’s doing some extracurricular thing and turns his phone off and pays off his chauffeur to say nothing

There’s probably some cute scenes or clips of outings or something. They go thrift shopping to get Robb some actual stage clothes, they hang out with Ana’s moms, they don’t talk about Jax’s parents ever and don’t mention that Jax pretty much lives with Ana or the rotating cast of personnel through the house, there’s heart-to-hearts, there’s laughs, there’s drama, there’s friendship blossoming, walls breaking, truly incredible stuff

Then comes the inevitable. The day of the Big School Concert is also the day of the big Battle of The Bands or something. It’s some sort of contest where they play some songs and then they play one they were like assigned and they were assigned Space Oddity and one thing is that the judges are really looking for those strings but Di’s synths just aren’t cutting it; they’re timing and intonation just aren’t right. So Robb is like “Okay, you can’t ask any questions, and I’m going to be like on the wire BUT I will be there and I will bring strings. You have to trust me.” 

And then it’s Robb’s concert, and bananas things happen and he gets out of there with the bass and we’re switching back and forth between everyone being antsy and worrying and Robb booking it with this big ass piece of shit on his back and he’s in the back of the car fucking up his $300 suit. Maybe there’s a run-in with Eric? I kinda really want him to show up a little worse for ware for Jax to fuss over. 

And Jax and Ana and Di are like Bass??? Suit???? Hair half slicked back??? Are those LOAFERS??? Is that a BLACK EYE?? [one of the judges later asks the same thing and Robb just replies “We are a grunge band, ma’am]  But there’s no time to fuss! Because he rolls up literally like two minutes from going on stage!

They rush out and they play their song and it’s magical and fucking gay and Di’s going fucking ham on the piano and the whole room is vibing. Then they play a couple more songs or something idk I don’t want to like ruin this emotional high but I do need to justify the electric base being there for the next bit which issss

Di and Ana shove Robb and Jax into the dressing room and they FINALLY make out. And it’s amazing and heavy and full of emotional and physical catharsis and it’s just exactly what everyone -- robb, jax, the reader -- needs. 

And then there’s a knock on the door. Followed by “Robbert, darling, are you in there?” 

And Robb’s blood goes cold. Because of course Eric told his mother. Of course he forgot to turn his phone off. Of course, just as he finally has the things he wants, what he’s been craving for all his life, here comes his mother reminding him of what he is supposed to be. 

“What’s wrong?” Jax asks, “Who’s that?” But Robb can’t bear to say a word. It’ll all become obvious in a minute anyway. All he can do is hope that the sadness on his face shows, for once he wants his stupid face to show his goddamn emotion to the one person, and that Jax will know that’s how he really feels and won’t take this next part too personally. 

His parting words are to hand his electric bass to Jax and say, “Here, can you keep this safe for me? Valerios aren’t supposed to play these sorts of things.” 

And before Jax can say anything Robb turns away and makes his face a mask and replies, “Yes, Mother.” 

The door opens and there stands his mother, graying hair pulled into an elegant bun, still in the dress from the recital. Eric stands there too with his sharp suit, looking as if their tussle had never happened and like he didn’t need to wash blood off his rings. There were also a couple of men in suits, some of his mother’s assistants. One entered unceremoniously and silently took the bass from the room. 

“My dearest, whatever are you here for? I believe we agreed to a dinner at your favorite restaurant for your recital tonight,” it was Eric’s favorite, Robb hated the place, “This event was not on my itinerary.” 

“I apologize for the delay, Mother,” Robb said, as if he’d made them wait five minutes instead of running off across town and surely ruining their evening, “I owed a debt, and as you know that cannot be outstanding.” 

The barest hint of anger flashed over her face; she absolutely hated when he threw Valerio Family Names items back at her. He must have been hanging around with Ana too much, because he found himself relishing in having made her mad. The flash was gone almost before it was there, though, and her face was cool once more. 

“And what, pray tell, did you owe to these... people,” his mother said, eyeing Jax in a way that made Robb so angry he could feel the white hot rage in the center of his chest. But he was a Valerio, and he knew better than to show it like Ana was allowed to. 

“Did you not catch the show, Mother?” Robb asked, protectively stepping between her gaze and Jax and praying that it didn’t show his cards too thoroughly, “They required some strings accompaniment. I lent them some. Our transaction is done, I have no more business here.” 

He had so much more business here. He had results to hear. An after party to go to. Pizza to eat. Jokes to laugh at. A boy to kiss. 

But now all that business is done for. Who wants to hear results for a song played by a liar? Who wants to go to an after party or eat pizza or tell jokes with a Valerio? Who would want to kiss him after seeing who he really is: a spineless wimp who is doomed to live and die by his mother’s whims. This whole arrangement was doomed from the start, and he always knew it. He was just too happy to let himself know that. 

His mother was clearly displeased with him, but what was new? “So I see,” She said at last, “Well then, come along, no need to tarry in this... venue.” 

“Of course, Mother,” Robb said. A cool nothingness washed over him. He knew his lines. He knew his place. This was who he was. 

Robb left the room, not sparing Jax a single look over his shoulder. He told himself it was because his mother would certainly notice, and she would, but really he couldn’t bear to see whatever expression Jax was wearing -- betrayal, shock, anger? It would only break his heart further. 

As he left the room he now saw that Di and Ana were looking on in shock. Apparently they hadn’t stepped too far away. “Hey!” Ana yelled, “What’s going on?” 

“Did you not hear the entire conversation about what’s ‘going on’?” Erik asked, and Robb wanted to punch him again. Apparently Ana wanted to too, because Di instinctively reached to hold her back just as she began forward. 

“And who is this, Robbert?” his mother asked, as if they were at the zoo and she was asking which animal was in this enclosure. It was so hard for Robb to see Ana riled up without getting riled up too. 

“The leader of the band, Mother,” Robb said, carefully not naming her. She was nondescript, hard to track down by description alone. Hopefully more trouble than his mother thought worth it. He never wanted any of this night to come back to hurt the band. 

“Well, as you’ve heard, his debt is payed, so he is leaving. Say goodbye, Robbert.” 

“Goodbye,” Robb said, feeling like a dog, “Thank you for the experience.” That was as close as he could get to what he wanted to say. Thank you for being his friend, for being there for him, for letting him be dumb and clumsy, for a thousand things Ana has done for him. Her and Di and Jax. And all he can say is, “Thank you for the experience.” He makes him sick. 

And like that he turns with his mother and brother, because he is nothing but their dog. A spare for if something goes wrong. An extra to be married off for a good business deal once he’s ripe. That’s all he is and all he will ever be. 

He can hear Ana yelling after them, struggling against Di’s hold. He can picture Di’s face as he struggles between holding Ana back for her own good and letting her go because he knows she’ll at least land a hit. He tries not to picture Jax at all. 

But don’t worry because I hate sad endings but idk exactly what I want to happen but basically a few hours pass and then either Siege or Ana is like “So, when are we going?” and Jax is like “? Going where?” “To break your boyfriend out.” and idk, but it works out in the end. 

[capsiclewidow]

2019 Creator-In-Review Tag

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I was tagged by amber (@stolethekey). I began reading it’s been a long, long time earlier this year and was instantly hooked. Seriously, go read it. It’s fantastic. She was one of my favorite Romanogers writers, and then somehow we ended up in the same Discord server. Now I get to call her a friend and harass her endlessly for more stevenat content. 😇 you are amazing and incredibly talented, my friend. thanks for tagging me <3

I’m tagging carley ( @chrishemsworth​), niki (@natasharomanoff​), and anyone else who wants to do this!

The rest of my sappy ranting and the list of my favorite works is below the cut since I know this is going to be long af.

In 2019, I shared both my writing and my art for the first time, both very big steps for me. My series (The Tightly Tangled Web) was first piece of my writing that I’ve ever posted, which was never, ever the plan. It was just supposed to be something I did for fun. I took myself way out of my comfort zone sent the first couple chapters to Niki (@natasharomanoff​), and her endless encouragement and a+ reactions were enough of a push to finally post it. The overall reaction was overwhelmingly positive and still to this day pushes me to continue on. To every single fan of the series, thank you. You’re all amazing. 

I also got an iPad late in 2018 and started teaching myself digital art, which I discovered I enjoy much more than tradition art. Actually enjoying it and not getting so frustrated with myself encouraged me to keep going, and I know I have a long way to go but even through my highly critical eyes I can definitely see my own improvement since I posted my first drawing in January of 2019.

So before I get started with my list I’m going to get a lil sappy. Every single comment, kudos, Tumblr ask, tweet, and instagram like means the absolute world to me. Especially with my writing; that kind of encouragement is the sole reason I keep going, even when I get frustrated with it. Every single comment makes my heart so, so happy and they’re my absolute favorite emails to get. Please know that I notice and appreciate every single thing, even if I don’t respond to all of them. I love reading people’s reactions, I love when people notice the little details I throw into my writing, and I love that I can somehow make people so happy with something I truly started just because I felt like it with no intention of ever sharing any of it.

So thank you to every single one of you, and I hope I can continue to give you content you enjoy reading. And thanks niki for being my number one fan <3

Now that that’s out of the way:

1. Old Wounds (first installment of The tightly Tangled Web series)

This series is my baby, and I started it way back in May of 2016. It began as a single post-Civil War fic, and somehow turned into what will eventually be a seven or eight part series. This was part one, and to this day it’s still my favorite. TWS is my favorite movie of all time and means so much to me, and this was the first part of the series I really began working on expanding into a full, multi-chapter, canon rewrite of the movie. It required so much research, attention to detail, and re-watching it frame by frame, and it just made me fall in love with the movie all over again. Plus I got to tell Natasha’s side of the story, and writing her perspective of the events in TWS made me really understand and appreciate her character on an entirely new level.

2. Laughter Lines

I again have to thank Niki for this one, because not only did she bring the song to my attention, but she shared with me her headcanon that Steve saved Natasha and they went back to the 40s to live out their lives. I think I wrote this entire thing in one night, because once I started it all just came pouring out and I ended up loving the result so much more than I thought I would. Plus I got to fix the Russo’s bullshit, so...you know. win/win situation.

3. New York

There were three individual things I wanted to eventually use in fics: the song New York by Ed Sheeran, Steve and Nat getting the best milkshakes in the world (from the comics), and the Captain America statue in Brooklyn. They all ended up in this fic, a post-Infinity War one-shot that allowed me to explore the mindset Natasha was in leading up to Endgame. It made me feel better after seeing Endgame to at least give them both a little slice of happiness that they both deserved.

4. Captain Romanoff

We’re switching gears to art now. This is still one of my favorite drawings that I’ve done. I’m in the process of writing a series that has a scene which loosely inspired this, plus I just wanted to draw Natasha as cap. It also got me out of my comfort zone as far as lighting and colors go, as well as all of the suit detail.

5. Endgame Romanogers (I uhh...don’t name my art idk)

This is the only stevenat drawing I’ve ever finished (i should probably fix that...whoops), and it again was a challenge with the lighting. I think it was also the first time I really drew Steve. But even though it made me sad every damn time I looked at it, I ended up absolutely loving it, which doesn’t happen often with my art. 

[snarkwrites]

FFT: galentines; john shaw

Notes:

Okay, so... Did I mention I totally fell in love with Dean Ambrose’s character John in the movie Lockdown? Because yeah, yeet, oops. This is a result of that. And maybe at some point, I might revisit this whole.. Idea.. of mine. Idk. For now, this is part 1 in a two part thing.

Summary:

Valerie and John were a thing years ago. Now they work together. But there’s lack of closure and BOTH PARTIES are still in love. Maybe drinks are had and maybe John does the sober boss thing and takes Valerie home?

Pairing:

Detective John Shaw x OFC, Valerie.

Warnings:

alcohol tw, flirting and angst.

“It’s over-commercialized bullshit, that’s what it is. No one is ever going to tell me any different.” Valerie was turning the glass upside down as soon as she slammed back her shot of tequila and shaking her head at the bitterness.

“Aren’t you worried you’ll get called into the station. By our boss and your partner, the hardass?” Tess teased Valerie just in the hopes that it’d get Valerie ranting and raving about her crush on the man in question because she was almost certain that she’d seen Officer Shaw walk into the bar earlier, flashing his badge around, looking all official. And Tess really, really, really wanted to see Valerie stick her foot right in her mouth at last. The tension between the two when they were all on the clock was almost enough to make everyone around them squirm in anticipation. It was almost as if they knew each other before they started working together on the force. Several times Tess got the feeling there was something neither of them were telling her, but she let it alone. She let them keep insisting things were complicated because somehow, she got the feeling they were beyond that.

For about 3 seconds, the words of her best friend almost sobered Valerie up. But she started to laugh and she shrugged. “I told him I get tonight off. Because Valentines Day.” Valerie giggled and shook her head, glaring at the rest of her friends when they immediately chimed in “Crime doesn’t take a night off.” her three best friends all mimicked Officer Shaw.

Valerie bit her lip, grabbing for the bottle of tequila between the four of them and after taking a lime wedge and shaking some salt onto the back of her hand, she took another shot. “Do you guys k-know how f-fucking hard it is w-working with John Shaw?”

“Oh god, here we go.”

“Hey, somebody should record this.”

“D-don’t y-you dare. With those f-fucking arms and those e-eyes, holy shit. Man is a walking w-wet dream. I c-can’t fuckin f-focus when he walks into my o-office.” Valerie was off to the races, ranting on without a care in the world and her friends were all sitting back and quietly giggling. At one point during the most filthy part of Valerie’s rant on the things she wanted Officer Shaw to do to her and a few things she wouldn’t mind doing to him, Tess caught sight of Valerie’s partner -and their boss, nursing a bottle of water and sitting at the edge of the bar, staring right at Valerie intently.

He did it all the time.

The next thing Tess knew, she was getting a text from an unknown number. The mystery was solved as soon as she opened the text though and Tess smirked to herself as her eyes scanned the message Officer Shaw sent her.

← Thought Valerie had a hot date or somethin’ tonight…

Tess had plans already, she was meeting a guy she swiped right and matched on Tinder with -if he bothered showing up. Their other two friends Rita and Addie had taken an Uber over to the bar after their shift at the hospital and were leaving as soon as their husbands got off work from a local steel factory. Tess had a feeling she knew exactly what Officer Shaw was getting at though, and just the thought that she might be right and this might be a damn good chance to play matchmaker between Shaw and Valerie. And that’s exactly what she set about doing, with her answering texts.

→ No sir. Not us. Never. ;P

→ Valerie got dumped earlier, so she’s havin’ a rough night. I think she started drinking at 5-ish?

→ I gave her a lift here, but if my Tinder guy ever shows, I’m getting outta here because I plan on getting l a i d tonight, sir. So.. Val is deffo gonna need a ride.

→  But then again, she’s the only one you were really askin’ about, am I right? ;P

As soon as she’d responded, she put away her phone. She spotted the red and black plaid scarf that her Tinder date mentioned he’d be wearing and she took two more rapid-fire shots, standing as she wiped her hands down the front of her jeans. “Ladies, my ride awaits. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do tonight. If you do, name it after me.. Or don’t. I’m outta here.”

Valerie gave a laugh and called out in a cheeky tone to her best friend, “ Wrap it up! You don’t know where that dick’s been, sweetheart!” her level of drunkenness making her usual drawl even thicker and much more pronounced. She stood, sliding off the barstool and she started to make her way towards the back, with Rita and Addie in tow.

Walking isn’t really a word for what she was doing. Stumbling was more like it. Rita and Addie flanked her on either side, holding her steady until she came to a stop in front of the old jukebox sitting next to a pool stick holder mounted to the back wall of the bar. After digging around in her pockets, she finally found a ten dollar bill and she set to straightening it, pouting and swearing when that task proved to be just a bit more difficult than she anticipated.

“Girl.”

“Give me that, holy shit.” Addie reached out, taking the badly wrinkled bill, smoothing it over the edge of the machine before slipping it into the slot. “No stripper anthems tonight.”

“Aw, c’mon, whyyyy.” Valerie whined and pouted, but burst into laughter. “Fine. W-we’re listenin t-to metal.”

“Oh god.”

“She’s gonna be so hungover tomorrow. Christ, Rita, her hair is gonna hurt.” Addie grimaced as Rita glanced over towards the end of the bar. Spotting Valerie’s partner sitting there nursing a glass of water, she got Addie’s attention as Valerie wandered over to the rack of pool sticks and grabbed one, chalking the tip.

“Okay, so here’s my thought. Tess has already told the guy that Val is gonna need a lift. When Mike and Danny show, we’ll kinda herd her over there to him.”

“We can’t do that, Rita.”

“We can and we are. Because it’s about time they both acted on the way they feel. Guy’s always around, Addie. He wouldn’t show up here if it weren’t for our wildcat best friend. And you know what Tess keeps saying, they’re always fighting. Think, Addie.. How’d it start with you and Danny?”

“Ooh. Good point. Okay, fine. I’m in. But I don’t like it. And he better not be a dick about it.”

“Somehow I don’t think he will, Addie.” Rita mused as she nodded in the direction of Officer Shaw. Valerie’s laughter and Sad But True by Metallica shattered the otherwise quiet bar and Rita gave a wink to the officer sipping water as his gaze flickered from her to Valerie, settling on Valerie who was currently racking the table for a game while trying to sing along with the song and wiggling her hips to it.

“At least she’s not at home ugly sobbing into a pint of ice cream like with Ben.” Addie mused as Rita nodded in agreement and reached for a pool stick. “C’mon. I feel like tonight’s that night, Val. Tonight I’m gonna push you right off that champion throne.”

“R-rita, I l-love you but n-no. N-nope. You’re h-horrible at t-this.”

“No, you’re just a little hustler. That’s all.”

Valerie squealed, smiling at her in a goofy way. “Awww, bitch, y-you always say the sweetest shit.”

“Okay, sugar. Get the stick and get ready for your beating.”

They were about halfway into the game when Rita and Addie’s husbands showed up to collect them and Rita wandered past Officer Shaw, leaning in to whisper, “Okay, stud. She’s gonna need a lift. Don’t be an ass. It’s been a rough day for her. When you two got into it earlier? She’d just finished crying in the employee bathroom while textin’ me.”

John’s gaze left Rita and settled on Valerie, watching her like a hawk. Ozzy Osbourne was playing now and Valerie was taking a long sip from the forgotten bottle of tequila. He grimaced and nodded in her direction as he asked Rita, “Any reason why?”

“Yeah, her ass of an ex, Ben. He dumped her over text.”

John grimaced again, finishing off his bottled water as he glanced at the time on his phone screen and stood. “The four of ya be careful.” he told Rita as Rita nodded and then told him, “Have fun wrangling her, Officer. Use the cuffs if you have to.”

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

hello, this is a quick and overdue update post on ash! you don’t necessarily need to read it, especially if our muses don’t/won’t interact often, but there’s some plot bunnies littered here and there too, so idk hit me up if something speaks to you (but i’m pretty behind on messages again sorry), even if we already have a thread going/are in the middle of plotting/haven’t plotted yet.

i think i’ll post a plot call including some shared home and schedule stuff soon, but don’t let that stop you if you have an idea now! this also includes some too in-depth explanation of Why ash is The Way He Is lately if that’s of interest to you

professionally

ash’s main solo work focuses currently continue to be solo/collab music, endorsements and cfs, and writing/composing/producing for others. those are pretty much the general career areas he’s getting pushed in at any given time and has been for a while now, though he’s been able to expand more with writing/composing/producing for others lately.

ash is extremely overworked lately. it’s going to catch up to him, but for now he’s pushing through.

he finished his solo fanmeeting tour a little bit ago and is relieved that it’s over since it was pretty emotionally exhausting as any fan interaction is for him, and all the travel wasn’t too good for him either

he’s working on parts of songs for some people, which is one of the things he’s doing he actually doesn’t mind (and he’s open to do more for more people as always <3)

i wound up needing to rework some of my plans for ash’s music going forward, but in general, he’ll have a continued power struggle between what management wants and what he wants. management wants something sexier, ash wants to be an angsty emo boi. ultimately, i think ash’s angsty emo boi will show itself to be more profitable musically, with management trying to add a sexy side to that because the whole ~sexy~ thing is better to build a marketable cf/brand niche off of than sad and angsty is. it leans a bit into the Bad Boy w/ a Heart of Gold image they had to give him after his dating scandals too

the calvin klein brand deal in particular really solidified the push for a sexier and more mature image, so that’ll be pushed through some future claims (mainly crs/endorsements) that are still in the works.

as of right now, the plan is for his next albums and some portal singles to come from an angrier/more self-loathing place (especially in regards to his romantic relationships) than his previous albums (with untitled, 2014 he got rewarded for those feelings and well... it has long term effects lmao) which is going to put him through a lot personally for the next several months.

he’s not ~officially~ working on them yet since fatalism promos just ended, but the current plan (which has changed way too much recently i am sorry to anyone affected by my indecisiveness but hopefully this one sticks) is for him to release two mini-albums in 2020, one in early june and one in late december, that serve as sort of a part 1 and part 2 in a ~duology~. as i’ve explained to some people, one is basically h*rny-emo and the other is just straight emo

it’s been nearly two years since he had a major scandal (his laziness/attitude scandal) so he gets more positive comments on his articles nowadays, but that’s a lot of pressure for someone who got used to constant hate and he feels like he’s due for a new scandal any day now, which he’s found is almost worse than when he was in the midst of scandal after scandal.

personally

in his personal life, he’s Super (s?)Tired, Single, and Sad

the exhaustion is a big factor in both is professional and personal life. he’s Tired. that’s his dominant emotion right now and seeing as it’s beginning to affect his physical health on top of his mental health, it’s hard for him to ignore.

it’s possible your muse hasn’t heard from him lately if they’re not super close. he spends all of his “free” time in his home studio and sleeps in there when he’s able to fall asleep as well. it’s genuinely concerning and if anyone wants their muse to yell at him and tell him to take better care of himself, feel free. i can’t promise he’ll listen.

likewise, if your muse wants to get mad at him because he's ignoring them, destroy him, thanks.

he’s single after ending a really serious relationship so he told himself he was going to focus only on work now... for like five seconds. it didn’t last. big surprise there. did he initiate the break up? yes. has he taken it as proof he’s unlovable anyway? also yes.

i’ll shove most of ash’s Love Angst explanation into this bullet point... around his scandal in 2016 and with the subsequent worst mental health of his life, he found his coping mechanism was throwing himself into constant relationships and/or jumping from one love to the next to essentially try to justify his existence and for three and a half years, he relied on that instead of addressing all of the toxic mindsets he has toward himself. now that he‘s single and planning to stay that way (a choice made as a result of a lot of those toxic mindsets, actually, though he tries to paint it as putting his mental health first), he’s realized it’s a lot harder to lose himself in someone else to repress everything if he’s also fending off love. as a result, he’s seeking out intimacy from people he’s already been close to in order to try to fill that hole (the one the problems he actually needs to address are at the bottom of, so he doesn’t come face to face with them), all without having to risk heartbreak

for similar reasons, he’s also been way more impulsive lately. if he wasn’t so utterly exhausted, he would have done some really stupid shit by now.

so if your muse wants to do impulsive shit, he might be a good bad influence

honestly, he’s really been trying to find himself lately and it’s hard because he’s realizing just how much himself is impossible to be for as long as he’s an idol

he’s kind of already wanting to sell his apartment and downsize because he feels so lonely at home, but he won’t do it yet since he hasn’t even had it a year and trying to sell a home is just more work for him. he could very well end up doing it in the new year, but tbh he’d really prefer to live in a studio apartment but he needs an extra room to use as a music studio so he’s not willing to sacrifice his studio just to possibly feel less lonely :/

his birthday is next month on the 24th if anyone wants to spend it with him!! he’s turning 24 so... we love a golden birthday! he’s spent the last two birthdays completely alone and depressed (last year he was overseas with just his manager for a solo photo shoot and the year before that knight had a concert in japan) so it would be nice if he didn’t have to do that again this year

yeah that’s it for now ig... plot call post and minju update post coming... some time

[uiruu]

Okay so here’s a confession lmao... I kind of got into Loona because of Hunter x Hunter. 

I got caught up in the HxH manga, and there are apparently a lot of references to a jpop idol group called Keyakizaka46. There’s a nen ability called “Silent Majority”, which is like a doll thing with the exact same haircut as the main member of that group, who has a song called Silent Majority. Also Halkenburg’s bow and arrow nen ability has him make a pose from the song Fukyouwaon. So I saw that and was like “WHAT THE HELL TOGASHI”, and I checked out those songs. They’re okay. Nothing to write home about. I mean like, they’re fun I guess, I like Fukyouwaon better of those two (which are the only ones I heard), but idk. I listened to it a lot for a couple days, it was like a guilty pleasure thing haha. And then like I must have seen posts from some of my HxH mutuals (who probably aren’t mutuals anymore after... uh... the drama in late february lmao...) post about Loona, and I was like okay, if I’m listening to this idol group that I can kinda tell isn’t like the highest quality thing in the world, let’s see what a Real group is like. 

I wasn’t really attuned to the differences between jpop and kpop, though I think I have a better understanding of the prevailing trends and styles that differentiate them (not just language. theyre as different as hiphop from LA and UK grime rap. that’s pretty different). But yeah, I was interested to see what a really Quality group sounded like. I wasn’t really expecting much, I was expecting something very catchy but kinda bland, like a lot of American pop is. I was also expecting something a little exploitative because of just the nature of having a group of “idols”, and I’d heard stuff about the kpop industry that wasn’t pleasant. 

And like, I listened to Hi High (which was the top result at the time. i got into them about a week before Butterfly), and I liked it at first. I wasn’t ready to let myself love it, though. In the back of my mind there was that voice saying “lol what are you doing, you are not the target audience for this, i should keep this to myself cause it’s embarrassing. if i admit that i’m listening to kpop right now i’ll be laughed at haha”. But still, it was catchy as hell and I liked that. The video production was sooooo good too, that video looks like a movie.

I watched Egoist too cause I guess it was the top related video, and I thought that song was pretty good, but idk I guess a lot of it just didn’t like sink in or something? I don’t really know. I listened to some others but didn’t find anything that stood out, I think there was a point just before Butterfly released where I liked Hi High, Egoist, and Love Cherry Motion (though I was kinda iffy on that one). I remember talking to my friend Jaci about them cause I know Jaci’s a kpop fan, and they said that they were kinda into Loona but not especially, though Heart Attack is one of the best kpop songs ever made. After hearing that, I listened to Heart Attack, but I didn’t really like it, it was a bit too bubblegummy for me, I guess.

Then Butterfly came out, and by then I knew most of the members by name (not all), and I had watched videos from people like formoftherapy about the songs I had heard and so I felt better about liking kpop cause the illusion of it being completely shallow was shattered. Butterfly didnt wow me at first... I liked the video a lot but the song was kinda eh. The “wings, wings” in the chorus stuck out to me in a bad way lol, I didn’t like that. 

So anyway, by then I was like huh, I’m gonna check out some more stuff. So I listened to groups like Momoland and Blackpink and Red Velvet. And by listened to, I mean really just kinda one song from each of those. I listened to other Momoland songs after Bboom Bboom and they didnt really do anything for me. I listened to Red Velvet songs besides Peekaboo and they were okay, Russian Roulette was pretty good but not something that really wowed me, but I was super super super into Blackpink for about a week there haha. I don’t know, I really liked Ddu-Du Ddu-Du, and I liked the members a lot. They’re only four members, so it was really easy to get into them. I listened to more of their songs though and at first I liked them, but the more I listened, the more I realized how bad they are lol. The members themselves are fine but god, some of the other Blackpink songs besides that one are just really bad. To me, anyway. And I think that’s when I realized... oh... Loona’s really something unique, huh?

Like, listening to other groups made me like Loona more hahaha. That’s when everything started to click with me. Songs that didnt impress me at first, like Girl Front and Favorite and especially Heart Attack started REALLY clicking with me. Suddenly every song I listened to from them I liked. And I was noticing things in their songs that I didn’t notice at first. And like, that’s also when it hit me... oh, it’s not just that Grimes did a feature in the intro to one of their songs, they actually take a lot of inspiration from Grimes musically. Aaaaaand that was the nail in the coffin. See, I was one of the biggest Grimes fans alive before we all collectively realized she’s kind of a shitty person. So, to see the good aspects of her music translated and adapted and iterated on by another group is cool. It also kinda made me facepalm because like god fucking damn it, I thought I was free of Grimes, turns out even when I get into something I thought was totally separate, nope... I can’t escape haha. Then though I started noticing interesting and experimental-ish production EVERYWHERE in their songs. 

And that’s when I’m like okay... I gotta finally go through and watch all their videos in order. I knew bits and pieces about the Loonaverse already, so I was ready to sink my teeth in and see it all for myself. It takes about 2 hours to watch all their music videos but it’s really worth it, that was a cool experience haha. The next day, I watched some of formoftherapy’s reactions to doing that same marathon too, and that helped me notice and appreciate even more things, especially about the music video production, since that’s what they specialize in talking about. 

And then you know, two or so weeks later, here we are, and I’m all in, haha. It’s wild to think that I thought Egoist was pretty good and Heart Attack was not really my cup of tea at first haha. Egoist now blows me away EVERY time I watch that video... the song is sooooooo good and the video is maybe their best and most cohesive video aesthetically and thematically speaking. Heart Attack is also in my top 5 songs now.. so is Butterfly haha, that song grew on me a lot too. It helps for Butterfly that the choreo and video are so artistic and masterful. 

Oh, also, one last thing, in the part where I mention other groups... I don’t wanna knock Red Velvet at all. I love Red Velvet. I could write a separate post about my journey with their music too, and how there was a moment when their songs also started clicking for me, and I think they’re just as adventurous and eccentric as Loona. I like Loona more cause I’m more personally invested, and I think Loona covers a broader range of styles and themes and stuff, but Red Velvet are really, really good. I cannot overstate that lol. Also, there are other groups and songs I’ve gotten into since then too, I’m not just a fan of two groups lol. Though to be honest, if I had to pick the ones that I think are doing something really interesting and stand out from the crowd, I think there’s only three groups I would call myself a die hard fan of, and that’s Loona, Red Velvet, and Fromis_9 (who have sooo much potential, im excited to see where they go). 

That’s all! I don’t expect anyone will reblog this (cause its so specific to me lol) or even read this, it’s pretty long after all, but if you did, thanks <3 I just wanted to write about my journey with this. Cause like, it’s cool how this type of thing can happen. It was cool to watch myself start to allow myself to really get into it. I could feel myself getting more and more into it but I was embarrassed about that and I thought it was really lame of me haha. I don’t mean that I was sad or scared or whatever, again, I just thought it was really lame haha. But I mean, deep down I thought it was cool, and the more I got into it, the more that became the only way I thought of it. And now I just think it’s really worth checking out and like not all that lame at all. There are lame groups, yeah. It’s just cool that Loona isn’t one of those. I didn’t expect that the one I heard the most about was 1. not even close to the most popular, and 2. really deeply musically interesting and risktaking, and that’s something that’s always appealed to me about the music I like. Who knew that Loona of all groups would be like that lol. You know... Loona. From the “Stan Loona” memes. Huh. 

Go figure. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #223

“broken and sad, as the tarnish on your crown, nowhere to go but down.”

What’s your favorite chocolate in the valentine box? The one with fudge in the center. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? Do not ever self-diagnose, ever. There's a quote about this that I love: Something along the lines of, "Your five-minute Google search doesn't compare to my doctoral degree." Something like that. Anyway, everything I have has been professionally diagnosed, though my therapist and psychiatrist both know I question if my bipolarity is actually borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist doesn't see it, and my therapist says my level of self-awareness makes that highly unlikely. Idk though, a loooot of symptoms remind me of myself. What’s your favorite version of the Bible? None. Do you think pineapple belongs on pizza? Noooo. I hate sweet/savory combos. Which one of your parents do you think is smarter? My mom. My dad is smart in his own way, but if you're talking about textbook knowledge, yeah. My mom is smarter in that area. Which parent do you think you inherited your intelligence level from? I 120% got my total lack of common sense from Dad. Otherwise, Mom. Do you store your bike in a garage for the winter? I don't have a garage nor bike. What were your favorite gym class activities in elementary school? Okay, do y'all remember those rainbow tarps you'd form a big dome out of? I loved that shit. Even though all we did was talk once inside, lol. I also loved those square roller things. You know, the ones that put your fingers at great risk. Would you rather wear a tunic top and jeggings or a crop top and high-waisted jeans? Okay so I'd fucking love to wear high-waisted jeans w/ a crop top if I had the body for it. Do you think hoodies look better oversized and long, or cropped? Oversized ones are the best. Have you ever had a professional make-over? No. Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? No. Did you ever want to be a model? Noooo. What’s your anti-depressant? Vraylar + Lamictal lmaooooo. Do you stretch or do yoga? Not anymore. List all of the colors of dresses you have worn to school dances. I only ever went to prom. My first was maroon, the second black. Did you enjoy school dances? Here's the tea: they're overhyped, at least for my personality. It's loud as hell so you can't hear each other talk, and the music's shit. I only went to his senior prom and mine for the novelty of it. What is something you want to be for Halloween? I am very legitimately considering be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale this year. Read that fucking book, it's one of the best I've ever read, and fucking terrifying as a woman. Who is your favorite parent? I love both for who they are. Do you have chronic pain? Only in my legs due to muscle atrophy that I'm recovering from now thanks to school. What is your favorite part of going to the dentist? My teeth feeling especially clean afterwards. Have you ever not been able to see the big E at the eye doctor? Ha ha, yes. My vision is godawful. What’s on your wish list right now? Just donate to my tattoo fund, lmao. What are you behind on? Politics. What did you get rid of that you wish you had kept? I wish I'd kept Jason and mine's last prom pictures, but literally just because now, I think I looked gorgeous. Does your hometown have bad memories attached to it? The Bloods gang seriously tried to break into the house while my sister and her friend were home alone as pre-teens, guess. Does it irritate you when someone has a dream but does nothing to work toward it? I mean, yes? I feel like everyone should care about that to some degree. Certainly not to an obsessive degree, it's not your life, but you should care that people work towards their aspirations. Do you find the concept of colorblindness fascinating? Yeah, sure. Which site have you been bullied on the most? I wouldn't say I was ever really bullied, but I guess the closest was on an old RP site from one particular person. Who do you wish loved you? A few people. Not necessarily romantically. Do you know anyone who has twin babies or toddlers? Yes. I actually think she has two pairs. If so, what are their names? Idr. I only know them loosely through dance. Would you ever want to have twins? FUCK no. Who has the cutest babies on your Facebook newsfeed? My acquaintance Anastasia literally has the prettiest daughter ever. If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Pink, duh. Or maroon. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED What’s a song lyric that you like? Korn came out with a new album, and my favorite song's lyrics include "God is making fun of me," and it's my favorite thing ever. Would you ever hitchhike? Why or why not? NOOOOOOO, I don't trust people. What’s one thing you’ve done to celebrate Earth Day? As a kid, I made a bird house one year. There was this backyard decorating show on Animal Planet when I was little, and on one episode, they made one out of an empty milk jug and leaves, so I duplicated that. What color is your stapler? Black. Was your middle school crush the same as your high school crush? No. Have you ever been homeschooled? Towards the end of 8th grade, I was homebound. I was deeply depressed, and school didn't help. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. What was the last thing you were mad at a doctor about? I will forever and absolutely always despise my old doctor for putting and keeping me on a medication that resulted in me gaining around 150 pounds, and I wish I was fucking kidding, and blaming it on me the entire time. Where you live, is it possible to get sunburned&frostbitten in same week? HA, yeah. Do you ever turn your phone off because you don’t want to talk? No, I'll just ignore it. Do you like McDonald’s sweet tea? I hate sweet tea period. Do you like rap? Very little of it. Usually just some Eminem. Do you ever lay down and look at the stars? I haven't done that in a long time. Well, we weren't lying down, but rather sitting in chairs, but when Sara was here last summer, she, Mom, and I all sat outside one night making s'mores and having some drinks, and we looked up at the stars for quite a while. Don’t you hate when songs remind you of the person you’re trying to forget? There are a couple songs I physically can't listen to due to PTSD. Whose bed were you last in besides your own? Uhhh. I think my niece's, though I was just sitting on it. Who’s the last person you kissed? Sara. What’s your relationship with that person? We're really fucking gay for each other. Do you know how many people you’ve kissed? Three or four. I can't remember if I ever actually initiated a kiss with Girt or ever kissed him back, but I don't think so. Do you burn easily in the sun? Like toast on the whitest bread. Have you ever blacked out? I mean, I've fainted. Who do you hang out with the most? My mom lmao. Are you positive or negative? So in my FYS class (that is literally more like therapy), we very recently took an emotional intelligence test (it's like a scale that tells you your strengths and weaknesses in some major areas), and my optimism score was ABYSMALLY low. Like, as low as it could be. I've always called myself a realist, but this was a very detailed and professional test, so I'm taking my results into consideration. Do you believe life is fair? Ha ha, what a way to prove the last answer, but you couldn't possibly make me believe life is fair. It's chance and cause and effect. Have you ever bought a youtuber’s merch? LMAO YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'LL I'm too embarrassed to ask for "unusual" things. Do you have any embarrassing health issues? One or two. I am a Walking Health Issue. What are you longing for? I want Sara to live here so badly. Distance is getting hard. Who was your first roommate? Jason, Amanda, and Jacob. Who lived across the hall from you your first year of college? I never lived in a dorm. Have you ever had a janitorial job? Omfg no. I'm a germaphobe. Have you ever worked in food service? Hell no. I can't deal with hungry people. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? I'm a chocolate bitch. What is your favorite type of donut? Depends on where it's from. Dunkin' Donuts, omlllll gimme a chocolate frosted (never with sprinkles, sprinkles are gross). Krispy Kreme, BITCH I will kill a glazed. What is the name of your favorite bakery? We don't go to any proper bakery. We just get stuff from the ones at grocery stores. What is your current favorite Starbucks drink? I don't go to Starbucks. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter? For a certain holiday for Sara. I think it was Valentine's Day? Do you write mostly in cursive or in print? It's some hybrid font of both, but mostly cursive. What do you usually get for your birthday? Meerkat-related stuff. What is a childhood dream that hasn’t stuck with you? I wanted to be a vet. Who was your first favorite cartoon character? Uhhh. Probably Ash Ketchum (I FUCKING WROTE "KETCHUP") or Pikachu. Who is your favorite Disney princess? It was Ariel as a kid, now I don't particularly care, but probably Snow White. Do you like Coca Cola? Hell yeah. Do you like McDonald’s french fries? Are you even human if you don't? Did you get your hair color from your mom, your dad, or a grandparent? My hair was dirty blonde as a kid, so I don't have a clue where that came from. It turned brown though, so I guess Mom, but hers is way darker than mine. What are some other names your parents’ considered when naming you? The only one I remember is Kathryn. Who was the last person you know who had a baby? Uhhh I think it was one of my high school friends. …And what was the baby’s name? Jaspen. If you had a boy and a girl, what would they be named? Alessandra is NOT up for debate (if I wanted kids, anyway) lol, and Damien. What color is your dresser? Brown. Have you found your first gray/white hair yet? WOW no that would be mighty depressing. Is your hair long or short? Short. …and which way do you like it best? I CANNOT believe I didn't go short earlier. Do you have a problem with needles? Nah. Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No, thankfully. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Also thankfully no. If applicable, what color are your glasses? Black. Do you like the name Addison? Yeah, it's cute. Have you ever made your own Halloween costume out of clothes from your closet? No. At least, not a *real* costume. I've just dressed particularly dark before. Have you ever gotten sick in the car? No. Do you enjoy editing photos? I do. Have you ever called the wrong number? Yep, oops. Do you usually pick Truth or Dare? Truth. I never pick "dare," actually. Do you like kissing? I mean yeah, if I love the person. Which Internet browser do you use? Chrome. When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly? A couple weeks ago I finished The Handmaid's Tale for school. How many times have you had sex within the past two years? Guesstimate? A big 'ole zero lmao. Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever cheated on you? Were you mad or sad? No. Are you a superstitious person? Have you ever been superstitious before? No. When was the last time your area had a tornado warning, if ever? A few months ago. Have you ever had one of those major fights with your current bf/gf? When we were younger and unstable friends. Do you think road kill is gross? I think it's sad more than anything, but I mean yeah, it can be. But considering a personal project of mine is photographing roadkill to depict the brutality and sadness of it, it obviously doesn't gross me out all that much. Is it obvious when people hurt your feelings? I think so. How many teeth do you have? The normal amount. Have you ever lived outside of America? No. Do you get allowance? I'm 23, I obviously don't now, but I never have. Do you pop your pimples? Yeah, oops. Who did you last dance with? Sara. Have you ever wanted to kill someone? I think so. I wasn't going to like, actively pursue that, but I wanted her dead. Have you ever had braces? Yep. When you get married, do you want to keep your last name? No, please take it away. Do you shave your pubic hair? No. I'll obvious trim/shave along my upper legs in I'm going to wear a bathing suit or something, though. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life? Thank fucking god no. Do you have to plug your nose while swimming under water? Yep. I have zero clue how people stop water from going up their nose, even if they don't breathe through it. Do you like soft or hard pillows? s o f t What’s the last thing your parents bought you? Mom bought food, Dad bought me my laptopl. Do you know anyone who committed suicide? I'm 99% sure a pre-teen online friend did. I know some people loosely. When was the last time you cried out in pain? That's probably a TMI from having IBS. What do you say when you answer the phone? "Hello?" Do you ever get the feeling you don't belong? Belong where? I need specifics. Are you a timid person? Incredibly. Ever been in love with two people at the same time? No. Ever vomited because you were in shock? No. Do you think the world is a nice place or a horrible place? It's a hybrid of those. Ever had a rumor spread about you? The only one I knew of was one Jason's ex started in high school, that being that we had a baby. Despite the fact I was obviously never pregnant. If you found out you were pregnant how would you react? I'd be fucking terrified and incredibly confused because that's physically impossible. Have you ever been dumped by text? Did it hurt? More like over Facebook Messenger, and fuck yes it hurt considering I was literally madly in love with him and we'd been in a serious relationship for three and a half years. In your opinion what would be the worst possible way to dump someone? See above. (: How do you take out your anger? 99% of the time, cry. Have you ever snuck out of your house? No. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yeah. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done on a dare? Idk. I never did crazy dares. Have you ever cussed someone out? Yes. What’s the most trouble you’ve ever gotten in with your parents? Idk. My dad never really punished us, but rather Mom. I would say the time I texted her back "fuck you," but I was an adult by this point so she couldn't really do anything, but I do noooot want to imagine how she would've reacted if we were physically together. When she picked me up, she was furious, but I think she was more shocked I actually said that than anything. I don't remember that night much, surprisingly, considering I tend to remember awful days like that. Have you ever cheated on someone? No. Have you ever had a friend-with-benefits? No. Have you ever spread a nasty rumor about someone? No. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don't know. Have you ever been physically abused? Thank God, luck, Heaven, or whatever, no. What’s something you really regret saying to someone? I think more than anything, the time I sent something along the lines of "thanks for sending me to the hospital again" to Jason before I went to the ER for the bajillionth time. Doesn't matter if it was the first, fifth, or thousandth time, that was fucking evil and could've seriously hurt him. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? Uhhhh I don't think so, at least. Do you have a lot of secrets? It depends on who is involved. Mostly though, no. Does it take a lot to make you feel guilty? I don't know, actually. Have you ever broken a really important promise? I don't think so. Have you ever gone out with a best friend’s ex? More like mutually flirted with her boyfriend behind her back until he left her for me when I was 12. Fucking disgusting. Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend? No. Have you ever cheated on a test? I actually don't think I ever have. Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? No. I'm honestly very trustworthy with secrets. Have you ever gotten in a fist fight? No. Have you ever done something bad JUST because you knew you shouldn’t? Maybe as a kid? I don't think so? Have you ever purposely hurt yourself? Yeah. Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? I don't think so? Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? Again I don't believe so. Possibly once, idr. Have you ever kissed someone the same day you met them? No. What’s under your bed? A box of art stuff. Have you ever you shoplifted? No. What do you want more than anything else? Happiness. Have you ever tried coconut water? I have not. How many online accounts do you have? Or have you lost count? Holy fuck, there's no telling. Who was your first love? Jason. Are you the type to hold grudges? Definitely not. What was the last video game you played? I actually have World of Warcraft open right now, but that's a computer game; does that count? If not, uhhh. It's been a long while... I think maybe The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon. What’s your favorite flavor of vitamin water? Never tried vitamin water. Are there any bands/artists that get you all emotional? Ozzy Osbourne makes me so nostalgic. His music is so important to me. Have you ever been to a convention? (comic, Youtube, etc.) No, but bitch try to stop me from going to PAX East one day to hug God and cry for two hours in joy. What brand are most of the electronics in your household? I don't think we have a consistent brand for our electronics. It depends on what the thing is. What’s your favorite aunt or uncle’s first name? I can't remember my favorite aunt's name, but the only uncle I know well is Rob. He's hilarious. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Who was the last person you invited into your home? Sara. Are you of legal drinking age in the country you live in? Yes. How old were your parents when they got engaged? I have no clue. Early 30s? Are your parents still together? Hell no. What flavor was the last ice cream you ate? Chocolate. Are you health conscious? To a degree. Have you ever done a first aid course? No. If so, would you be prepared to perform CPR if necessary? N/A Are there any songs that get stuck in your head very easily? A lot. Who was the last person to text you? Sara. If you found out you couldn’t have children, would you adopt? I'd be fucking ecstatic if I found out I was infertile, especially with how terrified and paranoid I am about being raped. I don't want kids, ever. Would you go back to your most recent ex? No; I don't like him like that. Do you remember the show Bananas in Pajamas? I don't, but I know my older sister was obsessed. If you could know how, when, and where you’ll die, would you want to know? Hell no. Are you really excited for anything? I'm probably going up to Sara's for her birthday and Christmas and I CANNOT wait. Have you ever eaten any type of insect? Not intentionally? I think a gnat or something flew into my throat once, but idk. I've certainly never tried to. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met? Nobody lmao. Do you have trust issues? Oh yes indeed.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta United Kingdom to Eurovision with a blatantly non-blatant Melodifestivalen reject

Yes, obviously, Eurovision: You Decide might as well be the safest NF to ever exist. We get that you don’t want to even try, the UK, but can you please act like you’re not in Big 5 for a year and ATTEMPT to try your hardest with the song??? I doubt that, despite SuRie’s bubbliness, “Storm” would’ve pulled numbers if it were in semi, unless the anti-neo-Nazi stage invader were to butt-in there and people would then send sympathy televotes the Brits’ way or something. Unsatisfying. (The man, that is.)

And so we have gotten another safe as ever British entry this year, performed by an excited personality that got a side-dish song and now is tasked to sell the side-dish as greatly as he’s possibly able to - the first season of All Together Now winner, Michael Rice! The dish is “Bigger than Us” and I’m neither glad nor sad the song has not enough factor to eat up Michael as a whole if it’s that much BIGGER. Not even the fact that it’s a Melodifestivalen reject (yes, the title IS correct, one of the song’s co-writers, whom I’ll name later, has possibly said it at some point, and he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore so he sent it over to another country!) could help this poor number out.

If you strip the singer off, you just get a stereotypical Eurovision-y ballad you overhear when scavenging through foreign NF catalogues, wondering which kind of rent-a-songwriter-program person contributed to it. Well John Lundvik (yes THAT one) doesn’t sound like THAT kind of name you’d hear when you think of songwriters of such shtick but Laurell Barker is, so there you go. These are just the two masterminds behind this one, as there are more but icr their names and honestly idc to.

And there’s nothing wrong about these typical ESC NF shlocks. Only when you’re young and dumb enough to enjoy these kind of songs, but I had to unfortunately grow up and see just how “useful” they are... n’t. I mean, it’s great for the artists whose big dream is to taste Eurovision and NOT as a backing singer, but most of the time the singers that get these songs can’t even slightly relate to what they sing, and thus we get people like Bishara entering Melodifestivalen and Isaiah entering Eurovision.

Maybe Michael did get to experience the kind of love that’s BIGGER than him and his partner, idk. I certainly don't want to bother asking him. And frankly, it's only me overthinking this issue, because ain't nobody in the world really got time for that, definitely. Well, at least the relationship’s going on nice! (except for when Mike sings “‘cause I can heare the universe when I’m feeling you breathe”... spooky. o.I)

Anyway, time to get to talk more about the song. It's actually not THAT bad, just a little too typical and unextraordinary, where in the current times the Eurovision has to not be predictable in sound and to excite the viewer with... well, anything that can excite anyone. Be it the visuals OR the song. OR both. What's so special about "Bigger than Us" that can keep the viewer on toes? Probably just that keychange. I wish there were more things about it but not every commentator out there would have enough time to let them people know Michael works in a waffle shop, let alone the time that "HE WON A TALENT SHOW'S FIRST SEASON BUT THE SHOW ISN'T THE X FACTOR OR THE VOICE ZOMFG!!". Let alone people even listen to any Eurovision commenting these days, lol. It might be a charming little piece for some people though, but I don't see them voting for people selling their songs vocally much more than songs that draw in viewers with different ways. It's just a standart talent show winner song for a standart talent show winner that sounds like it's slightly too stuck in the mid-to-late-00s-early-10s rather than the 90s, which is warm and cool and all, but it's likely gonna not do the cool lad Michael the justice he'd need, just like SuRie's song for SuRie. Mayhaps a top 20-ish, or, in Lucie's case, even a top 15, is possible (although it's mostly thanks to the juries - they're the only ones eating up big voice ballads. And anything Maltese. And anything Australian. And anything Swedish... that only represents Sweden. Sorry Lukas Meijer), but when the British optimism levels are set in a deep deep ditch by default every year when the BBC comes with their platter of choices for EYD, what else could be there to raise them up after even Lucie hasn't done that amazing enough for everyone to believe that the UK are capable more than just always finishing last with 0 every year? Of course, a better than average song, but does BBC care about even pulling one out of a songwriting camp? These kind of songs are too shite for their taste, apparently, so with songs they send like these, it's probably yet another meander-er.

Which is a shame, because once again, it's not bad. It's just too plain Jane for Eurovision anymore. It's like everyone dressed up gorgeously for Miss Universe's National Costume event and you went with a cheap-ish designer dress that is decorated by small details that are notoriously known as the country's symbols just to count as something "national". It's like everyone brough their best baked (and dare I say extreme) dish to a dish competition and you only brought in a nice looking baked cod and circled the fries around it. It's like a prom night where everyone dresses casually and you come up all in a dull olive colored jacket and jeans with torn out knees. There might be something hidden in its niceness that can conquer (nice piano, nice chords, nice vocals, nice chorus, nice song formula, nice choir, nice keychange, nice message)... but with everything too nice, it just feels like that the UK are not feeling like getting a 'nice' result. Unless there's something that can make Michael do a 'male Lucie' and launch it around the 14th-19th place at best, but...

And here's the section where I repeat myself some more of what I think of the song as a whole and chances as a whole:

Approval factor: Eh I'll probably have to approve this but only reluctantly somewhat, maybe because I felt positive on the first listen unlike these people who wanted UK to dare to do something else than safe... yeah lol

Follow-up factor: It’s rather marginably favourable song than SuRie’s and only because I like it despite its ‘blandness’. “Storm” is just a song that I don’t really care about. Provided Michael gives all out personality-wise though and the revamp’s not gonna suck balls (if there’s one), this is a decent step in a decent direction for the UK... hope Michael’s not getting stage-invaded by anti-Israel people!

Big 5 factor: Thanks to all this pre-partying kicking in heavily as I put out these reviews (and actually having finished), it turns out that Michael is one of those people that clearly works his hardest to sell this typical British averageness (like he sells his waffles), with his live being so decent enough he was thought of to be a perfect EYD winner this year, so, if he keeps building up his vocal strenghts and rehearses a lot (and stays well and such), he’s actually likely to at least achieve something above bottom 7! Yes, yes, John Lundvik is still the master that will beat his pupil in the end, but that wouldn’t seem that excruciating for the UK anymore if they happen to have a place that’s not bottom 3 or anything. Just for the Michael to do his utmost best out there, and if he does, the UK won’t be in an extremely bad position this year - just not a very high reacher, because at the end of the day there are more nations that run straight with their A-game and therefore continue leaving the common-appealers in the dust. Only Sweden (and Australia until 2018 or so) usually excels at their safeness. The others must outstand to survive. And to wrap things up on this factor section, imo the UK just meanders in the safeness for another year - but at least the good enough safeness that might even be able to qualify if it were sent by a semifinalist country! (apart Sweden ffs, of course Mr. Lundvik would qualify with this one if he kept it to himself, jeez)

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

Thankfully EYD didn’t really stink this year, because of certain key factors:

• There’s always this one or two act(s) that acts like a saviour each year. Bianca and Dulcima (or Darline idk) from 2016, Holly and Salena from 2017, Asanda (and maybe Jaz? or even Raya??) from 2018 and... ponder no more, Kerrie-Anne’s got you covered in that spot! Her version of the two one’s of “Sweet Lies” was arguably the greatest possible choice for the NF (or, in this case, the “very least bad”, and eventhough it’s incredibly reminiscent of Sigala’s “Sweet Lovin’” (vocals provided by Bryn Christopher, who - controversial opinion - is probably my fave male singer of all time), which makes it “dated” (to a 2012-2014 pop radio degree, yes), it still was a bop that I’d want to dance to in rollerskates (if I had any!!) and spray the colourful smoke things that... well idk what it is but the said video of “Sweet Lovin’” demonstrates the action. Get back to me to let me know what’s that, anyone reading this. K-A lowkey underperformed though (just like Asanda from last year) but the bop remained AND she was rightfully included in the British televote’s superfinal trio! ^^

• The hosts were, yet again, the ever-so-loveable comedienne of Lithuanian roots, Mel Giedroyc, and the witty-ass Eurovision 2015 winner Måns Zelmerlöw. The duo is charming as usual and delightful to see on the Beebs when there’s the Eurovision case. If I didn’t know him better I’d even say Måns is a native English speaker. When there’s at least the drought of the ever-so-good entries in an EYD, we can look back at the hosts provided us some entertainment we’ve probably been missing while trying to find some on those competing entries. My favourite moment throughout that evening was the “next up is” jokes, all randomly stringed together, all in one row - all of those “next ups” were so hilariously random (until one hit the point - I think it was something about adverts or another performance being next up).

• The postcards were lovely too. With the format of EYD upgraded to make it as a three-song duel between two different versions of each one and the juries deciding on the best one for each (one vote per version), we got to see some nice friendships over there (I mean, a postcard for two people who did duel over whose version is the best - they had to listen and compliment each others’ versions) and some nice things the artists said themselves on separate postcards. Like the time when the only band of the competition of the year’s, MAID, named Buranovskiye Babushki as one of their girlband idols (a ‘so random yet glorious‘ answer) and the victorious Michael confessing that he’s “never been to Tel(iv) Aviv”... that’s true Michael, I believe ya. You’ve so never been there that ou struggle to even say it right! Not to mention that the postcard setups were cozy, too.

• Can we all just kind of agree that at least the jury for EYD made THE BEST CHOICES POSSIBLE??? I mean, yeah, it’s a biT cruel they’re the ones to choose the superfinalists without the audience’s interference, but they still made the best choices possible, at least imo. Anisa’s “Sweet Lies” was a godawfully dreary sex slow-jam (no really, I can’t not imagine a scenario where you can’t use it anywhere other than a sex scene in a movie, or a steamy hot shower scene. Call me crazy-minded but it’s true), MAID’s “Freaks” was godawfully too creepy, strange and unbearable, and Holly Tandy’s “Bigger than Us”... well... while much more chill and way less overbearing (also with not enough “BIGGER” memes potential), it would have probably not stood out all that much - just written off as a Kygo remix rented for a cheap price of half a pound (but still co-written by John Lundvik though!!). So thanks to Rylan and the other two for picking the superfinalists reasonably, unlike A Dal jurors this year. It still wrenches my gut whenever I think about it, ugh.

• What even would be an appearance of Måns if he didn't try to remind y'all of his enthusiasm for Eurovision. No one really cares he won Eurovision 4 years ago, if anything, I dread that he's only being remembered as the "male singer guy of Love Love Peace Peace song" by the newer fans. At least Pepperidge Farm I remember how Måns really wanted to get to Eurovision (even if he didn't participate in that many Melodifestivalen editions). So in this year's EYD he went all out to be a part of the Eurovision best (British?) songs medley (and we got Katrina and the Waves later in the show, performing the nation's last winning hit, 22 years later... and that wasn't even a fully British-branded win, if yanno what I mean!), and it's all courtesy of the Melodifestivalen's best known scriptwriter and an occasional Eurovision commentator (and Melodifestivalen's narrator too), Edward af Sillén. Or at least I remember it being written that he has written some stuff for Måns to do in EYD, IDK. Eitherway, it was kind of a fun thing, the interlude. Just remembering all the nice Eurovision entries out there, even including Gina G (whose ESC entry was also sung by another person in another NF whose review will be up next I suppose!).

• Heyyyyy, wasn’t it all kinds of nice to see SuRie doing an interval act and a reprise of her own run-of-the-mill entry “Storm”? I applaud her of doing a tremendous piano rendition of it, with even singing some notes a little higher than in the actual song. Maybe THAT version could have done so much better in Lisbon - showing off SuRie’s vocal decency, intimacy and... idk about the intruder part, hopefully he’d have had no way to wrestle the mic out of SuRie’s hands that time. At least SuRie had just enough support from Eurofans to be wanted to represent the UK one more year in a row, with a special EYD designed for her, where the songs could be mostly composed by her and not by the useless songwriting camp. While it’s a nice idea for some British and non-British people to get to know each other on these camps, the end results barely end up satisfying because the artists barely get involved in the songs they’re singing - not even a song line, not even a hum of contribution! Why can’t you at least take examples from German songwriting camps... (except for the time “Sister” was invented, that one could have been a perfect contribution for an EYD (not necessarily in this year’s format but still)

All in all, this may seem like an improvement of things, but I still am really hoping that BBC will give into a decent internal selection... afterall there are good names that are down to do Eurovision and didn’t even say it will harm their ‘reputation’ (*cough* Paloma Faith *cough* Hurts), and yet BBC refuses them somehow, not thinking that Eurovision is more than just a SONG contest (while ironically not even having their songs sounding THAT ‘great’, oops)? Or at least reformat EYD big time and make it exciting a la Australia Decides is (you know you suck when even your colony does better NFs than you). For now, I’ll just grit my teeth and nicely wish Michael Rice all the best in Tel(iv) Aviv. You’ll need it, chap! And in secret I hope that you’ll get it xx