#also like at 5 am I woke up and remembered how in choir people kept comparing me to the director they had the year before me

[pebblezone]

this Tylenol ain’t shit w

[6knotty6thotty6]

So a couple of months ago, I saw a YouTube video that was an audio recording of season 5, episode 6 of Bojack Horseman, “Free Churro.” In the episode, the main character, Bojack Horseman, spends 20 minutes giving a eulogy at his mother’s funeral. There’s one big problem though, his mother was an abusive bitch. His eulogy is him trying to contemplate what she meant by her drying words, “I see you,” and whether or not she loved him. As someone who has a dead parent who was abusive, this is probably my favorite episode of any show ever for how much it helped me understand my feelings. The comments section is filled with people sharing their pain with their abusive families, but one comment stood out to me above all the others by how raw and relatable it was. This comment was by a YouTuber named Moonstruck. At the bottom of this post is a link to her channel. Please support her. After reading this, she deserves a million subscribers. Also please watch Bojack Horseman. (I corrected some of the grammatical errors to make it easier to read)

Disclaimer: Child abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health:

Moonstruck: 

This is a great monologue, but one part of it, in particular, really caught my attention was the 'grand gesture' bit.

When I was a kid, I read this book called "Chicken Soup for the Soul." There's a shitload of them. I don't remember which particular one it was. I hated the whole series because it's just someone profiting off a bunch of other people's stories rather than trying to write their own, in my opinion. 

Anyway.

This one story that I remember, the ONLY one I remembered,  was sent in by a little girl. She wrote about how her father never told her that he loved her. He never once, in her whole life, said the words "I love you." I don't remember her mom being mentioned, maybe she was dead; it doesn't matter. The point is her dad was basically an emotionless asshole. Well, one day, this girl gets sick. Really sick. Possibly on her deathbed sick. She wrote that one day she woke up to find a necklace sitting on her nightstand that had a pendant that looked like her dog. She said she held it to her heart and cried because that necklace said all the things her father never had.

I thought, "What a load of bullshit."

A cheap trinket doesn't make up for years and years of emotional neglect. Anyone can buy a thing and toss it your way. Hell, he didn't even hand it to her himself, just left it there for her to find if/when she woke up, then left her alone again to possibly die.

A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words, in cases like political protests and shit. While that's true, scenarios that this that girl are different. Gifts can never replace the words, "I love you."

When I was a kid, my father never told me he loved me. My mother didn't either, but she's a whole other kettle of fish. I would say 'my biological mother or father,' but I never got adopted ones, so who gives a shit. Anyway. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he just spent the entire time fighting with my mother and leaving again. He would do and say anything that could get him to spend less time in the house with her. With us. I can't blame him. If I could've left during those times, I would have. I tried more than once. I even earned the nickname 'runaway' from a family friend because of it. 

I was told that I was worthless as early as I could understand words. I don't know what it is about me that set my mother off, but she HATED me. I was always told how expensive I was to keep alive and how I wasn't worth it. If I dared ask for anything, she would remind me how much she spent just to keep me from starving to death and that it was too much already. On the rare occasion I was given something, it was so she could use it as a threat. She was like, "Sure, you can have that toy horse since we got your sister a real one, but you better behave or we'll give it to her and let her break it." Or "Oh, fine, we can keep this dog as a FAMILY pet (NOT YOURS), but if you do something we don't like, we'll take it away and kill it." 

Oh, yeah. I have a sister. She’s cut from the same cloth as our mother. I don't consider any of them family anymore. She was two years older than me. She was the "we should have stopped while we were ahead" kid. Anything she wanted, she got. 

"Mom, can I have an award-winning horse and expensive dressage lessons?"

"Sure!"

"Mom, can I have a car?"

"No problem!"

"Mom, can you pay for my ballet lessons?"

"Absolutely!"

She was the golden child. The one that could do no wrong and wasn't a mistake. Even after she totaled her car, got arrested for an underage DUI, and got pregnant three times in high school, she was still the good one. I never even asked to go to school dances, parties, or go out with the one friend I had. My sister liked to see me in pain. She'd tell our mom that I did things just to get me in trouble. Whether it involved blaming me for things she did or fabricating stuff, she'd say whatever it took to get my mother to beat me while she watched and laughed. Oh, yeah, our mom was BIG on physical punishment. I've been whipped with everything from a riding crop, a wooden paddle, spoons, and especially belts. Anything that was close at hand when my mother got irritated, I've been hit with it. 

At one point, my sister had three tall, beautiful show-worthy horses. I was allowed to keep a sickly old pony for all of a week before she was taken away, then I'd get called ungrateful for asking why we had to get rid of HER instead of one of the horses. Even though my mother said it cost too much to keep them all. With horses being obviously too rich for my blood, I asked for something cheaper, and for once, I got it. I was given a baby goat that one of our neighbors' goats had abandoned for being too weak, and they didn't have time to raise. I loved that goat. I bottle raised him, and named him Ben. He was my best friend for a while. When he grew up, he got so big that I was able to stand on his back to grab tree branches and pull them down so he could eat the leaves. I walked him on a leash like a dog every day. I loved him so much. My mother had me enter him in a show, and we won ninth place! I was thrilled to have something to show against my sister's collection of dressage show ribbons. I finally had proof that I could do something right! Sure, the prize money was taken away from me, but I still had Ben.

But Ben didn't come home with me after the show. It turns out he was sold to a slaughterhouse because that show was for meat goats. I didn't know until he was already gone. Of course, my mother punished me for being upset and even forced me to write a thank-you card to the people who bought his meat. 

My mother was always like that. Anything I loved was used as a threat. I eventually accepted that loving anything was a waste of time. I learned to detach myself from my feelings, and I got really good at it. I can completely turn off my emotional reaction to anything. One time I had to put down one of the egg-laying hens at work that got too sick to save, and I felt nothing while bringing down the ax. When I lost out on a job that could have changed my life, I told myself how stupid it was to hope for anything good. Any positive emotion I felt got me punished, so I learned to feel nothing at all. To this day, I still have trouble feeling things, even when I want to. I'm taking pills now, and they help, sometimes. 

I've had several suicide attempts. I keep a box of razor blades in my desk just to have them close. I got a tattoo of a heart with rainbows on my wrist. Partially for LGBT solidarity, but mostly to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. I still struggle with wonder if I actually believe it or not. 

I've tried so hard to be a good kid. I never partied, never drank, never smoked even when the chances were there, and I would have greatly loved anything to make the pain stop or even just dull it a little bit. I was in the gifted and talented program at school and was able to graduate at fifteen. For a while, I was sent to a children's home where I was passed around to many people I didn't know, including a clown who I may or may not have actually been related to, until I eventually wound up out here where I am now. It's all pretty hazy, and the details get scrambled. 

It's been 10 years since I've had contact with my mother and sister. I can't even keep in touch with the one friend I had, even after I lived with her. She's tried to reach out to me, but I just… can't. I try, but I can't. Sometimes, I can almost pretend that my past wasn't real. It's just a hazy fog that isn't really there. I want to believe that if I don't allow something, or someone, who was part of that past, someone tangible and real, into my life again, then the fog will go away. This is why I can't do it. I know I'm a terrible friend. Ariel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You're better off without me in your life anyway. 

I typed all of this out because sometimes, about fifty dollars or so shows up in my PayPal from my father's email address. I don't know if it's from him or from her using his email, but it doesn't matter either way. The point is I know my mother is the one sending the money.

I know my mother likes to think she's a good person. She went to church every Sunday, and probably still does. She organized a lot of church events and participated in every church function. I had to be an altar server for several years until I aged out of it and was in the choir. She kept going to that church even after the priest got drunk, called me many horrible names in front of everyone, and was revealed to be a pedophile that raped a little boy at gunpoint. She probably still goes to that same church and organizes things. She likes being in charge. She likes having people look at her and say, "That there is a good person."

But are you, though, Mom? Are you really a good person? Were you a good person when you hit me? When you lied to me? When you laughed with my sister about how much I got hurt for things I didn't do? Were you a good person every time you told me you'd kill my cat or leave my dog at the pound? Were you a good person when you sold Ben to be eaten, knowing that I loved him? Were you a good person when you made me read "A child called It" and told me that you'd start doing the things in that book to me if I didn't behave? Were you a good person every time you told my father I was a liar whenever I tried to tell him what you were doing to me? Were you a good person when you told me I wasn't worth the cost of being alive? Were you? 

Fuck you, Mom! Keep your fucking money! A necklace on the nightstand isn't enough. A trinket can't heal years and years and years of abuse and hurt. You can't hide these scars under dollar bills. I hope you die alone. I know I probably will, but I don't even care anymore. I lost the ability to care thanks to you. You can't make up for the things you did and the things you didn't say now. Too little, too late! 

[bardicknowledgeblogger]

My RPG Characters

Alright - so here are the characters I have in any ongoing games (note - none of the games I am in or run are by the book D&D. They have a lot of homebrew stories, settings and gameplay)

I tried to keep things short and sweet, and then started to fail a little bit, so I’ll have the characters below the cut. It’s not SUPER long, but definitely longer than I had intended :/ 

I probably won’t ever remove characters, even if their games end, just so that if they are brought up there is a standing reference of who they are. I’ll keep it alphabetical though, and add new characters as they are made.

Alexis

Background: A human character from a Dark Fantasy Homebrew campaign. Alexis woke up on the table of some being calling himself The Sculptor, and was told he had died at some point, and that his soul had been pulled from the beyond and put into a carved stone body. He was being asked to fight back strange horrors invading this foreign land - the more he remembered and did, the more like his old self he would become. Before that he had simply been a man who loved life, travelling to meet all he could and write their stories, sing their songs, and experience all that life could offer. A true renaissance man.

Appearance: Currently he’s of course completely made of stone, barring a few cracks and random patches where his “true bodY’ peeks through. Before that, however, he was tall and lean, with light brown skin, bright blue eyes, and sunkissed brown hair that feel in loose waves and curls to about his shoulders. He generally had a bit of stubble on his face but never had a full beard. He always wore the finest things he could find - embroidered silks, handcrafted lace, and finely tooled leathers were all common parts of his wardrobe. He had a few slight scars with grand tales behind them (in reality they were generally caused by his own negligence in highly embarrassing ways, but he’d be damned if he was going to admit it) and the most charming smile you’d ever seen.

Personality: Outgoing and friendly, Alexis made friends easier than enemies. He took up work as a bounty hunter, but regularly would talk with his targets and convince them to turn themselves in without a fight. He made friends in places high and low, and could find something to talk about with nearly anyone. He has a high appreciation for the arts, and thinks it is the duty of all who live to preserve and share the stories, experiences, and creations of those around them. He truly loves life, loves people, and loves discovery.

Ariyna

Background: A Pantoran Character from a Star Wars Homebrew game. Ariyna was a young heiress and only child, growing up in the lap of luxury as her parents served in fairly high political positions (not the she paid that much attention to it). She always dreamed of seeing the galaxy around her but for various reasons was always kept at home by her parents. When she found out they were arranging a marriage for her with an available noble, she took her chance and ran away with the help of a bounty hunter, dragging her poor guard along in the process. Unfortunately, she was almost immediately captured by Sith who sensed great potential within her...

Appearance: Ariyna has soft blue skin with intricate gold markings on her face (one of which looks similar to an upside down lotus flower between her brows, the symbol of her family). Her hair is bright white and falls in very slight waves to her lower back. Her eyes are a soft pink that is so pale it almost appears white. She is incredibly petite, barely coming to 5 feet in height and is small enough that most larger aliens she meets are able to lift her one handed. She strives to wear the most current fashions, leaning into pinks, berry tones, and golds that compliment her best. The best way to think of her is as being “doll-like”

Personality: Ariyna grew up learning to wear different masks depending on her setting. However, at her core she’s selfish and rash, but still cares about others. She will act without thinking, then immediately regret her choices when she sees the consequences of her actions. She doesn’t like others getting hurt, but will let them get hurt before she allows harm to come to herself. She does good things, helps people, and pursues grand goals, but deep inside it’s because she wants the attention and validation from others for doing so. She’s not a good person.... But she knows how to make people think she is. And all in all - she’s scared. She makes choices based on self preservation, and a desire to find somewhere she belongs and feels safe.

Edwina

Background: Human Character from a Bloodborne homebrew game. Edwina joined the church of healing right before Old Yharnam had to be burned due to the scourge of beasts. Was too low down the chain to know much, but had seen enough to suspect the church was responsible, and tried to run away before being conscripted into being a hunter. Has worked her way into the choir where she has been able to learn about great ones, and is actually fairly sympathetic towards them (based on her understanding of them) and has shared dreams with them. Trying to experiment and find ways to use the dreams and the presence of the great ones to counteract beasthood.

Appearance: Pale skin (does not get much sun AT ALL), black curly hair that she haphazardly iles on her head, brown eyes. Likes long sleeves, lots of layers (long tunic, with a vest, and then her robes, and then a coat), fairly average height, slender build with little to know muscle - kinda bony. Currently has some pretty nasty twisted scars along her shoulder, chest and right forearm, and again in her lower legs due to some cultists attacking them with bear traps and nailed planks.

Personality: Very introverted - would love to curl up with a book and tea at home. Very curious and likes to learn things. Will definitely lie and attempt to go where she maybe isn’t supposed, but will also crack under even the slightest amount of pressure. Has a very low threshold for bullshit of any kind. Very inexperienced with ost worldly things (got hit on by her current beau, did not realize what was happening and never would have if he hadn’t specifically explained himself). Very low self esteem that she hides by just not talking. Currently really struggling with the thoughts of being physically intimate now that she has a bunch of nasty scars that she wants to keep hidden.

Fitz (Full name is Fitzgerald, but he hates that)

Background: Fitz is an automaton (magic robot, basically) in a heavily magic based setting where said automatons cannot use magic. Instead he is a skilled tinkerer and craftsman, and makes many fine tools, baubles and decorative pieces, along with an impressive array of mechanical things. One day he did such a good job for one mage, that they decided to enchant him with the ability to do artificy, but only on metal he has gathered and forged himself. Now he has to occasionally travel about for fancy materials that people want him to artifice so he can continue to amass more wealth. Even though it’s super inconvenient. On one such excursion he wound up getting caught in a sort of… compound for discovering the next “architect” - a being who gets to live a life of luxury and get access to untold power, in exchange for keeping the people of the world safe from outside threats. He has to go through a gauntlet of tests, challenges and more to earn this spot, and he is greedily doing everything he can to play the other contestants and get the prize for himself.

Appearance: Made of dull gray metal with bits of clockwork and other mechanical parts occasionally peaking out at the joints of his body. A fairly unassuming automaton, and he’s okay with that. His eyes glow a nice blue color, and he wears a loose tunic with a vest and tight trousers that have many loops for tools and pouches for bits. He has a lovely pair of cuffed boots that he wears as well. He is always accompanied by his companion - an artificed bug that holds a number of his most commonly used tools and is able to come when called and produce the proper item. It can’t speak or understand anything else, but that doesn’t stop Fitz from talking to it like it can.

Personality: Fitz is kinda an ass. He prefers to be able to just live a calm and relatively boring life, because he has no desire to incur the dangers that adventuring brings. However not using his artificey skills, now that people know he has them, is becoming more of a difficulty as people harass him about it. So he begrudgingly goes out and collects what he needs and will absolutely complain the whole time. He really doesn’t care about other people and will not hesitate to leave them behind if it’s easier to do so. However he will help them if they provide more benefit to him alive, or if it isn’t too difficult to do so. The biggest thing that can entice him is the promise of the easy life that power and money can bring. It’s not a big enough draw for him to hunt it out, but if the path is laid before him… well he’d be a fool not to follow.

Kati

Background: Her father was a highly respected doctor who worked tirelessly to help people by treating sickness and disease. he was very strict and good, and held high regard for the accepted morals of society. Her mother was a bit more eccentric - she was mortician, and treated death as just another stage of the lifecycle. This allowed Kati to develop an… unusual, and at times unhealthy, interest in death. She was very intelligent, and extremely curious, and she moved into medical research. She studied diseases, how they spread, their symptoms, etc… But began to push the limits of what all “research” entailed. She began allowing patients to die for the sake of documenting the entire cycle of the disease. She stole samples of diseases and took them home, where she would effectively poison others and document what happened to them. Eventually she began soliciting her services as an assassin, using diseases commonplace enough to not be suspicious, but difficult enough to treat that death was all but guaranteed.

Appearance: She is a young woman in her thirties, with olive toned skin and deep brown eyes. She has thick, black curly hair that is almost always worn up. She wears glasses all the time, even though she really only needs them to read or work on delicate, small scale things. She is fairly plain, and is okay with it as she has little interest in relationships (or people in general, for that matter). Her style is mainly about what is comfortable, and is usually loose pants and simple blouses that can have the sleeves rolled up. She does have a few outfits that are tight and dark that she wears when working as an assassin, along with a black cat mask that she uses to cover her face. She is thin, more from poor health choices than anything else, and does not do well with too much physical exertion.

Personality: Very blunt and frequently thought of as cold and uncaring. Mainly just socially awkward and not sure how to engage with people - which is fine, as she doesn’t really care to do much with others anyway. Has little regard for human life and is extremely curious about the concept of what the afterlife may hold. Collects any paraphernalia she can that relates to death and the macabre, including skulls, mummified body parts, etc… Concerned with herself and her own wellbeing first and foremost, but learned enough from her father that she will help others if she has nothing to gain from leaving them (for example, she will not leave a child to die from pnuemonia, if for no other reason than it isn’t interesting and provides her nothing to learn). She will not hesitate to justify death with the pursuit of knowledge, however. Has little care for what others think of her, and has been called things like weird, quirky, ugly, unapproachable, rude, etc… her whole life. Attempts to be minimally polite when required, but rarely succeeds.

Kyllä

Background: Dwarven character from a homebrew-y psuedo gothic fantasy world. Woke up one day in the middle of a city with no memories. A human woman who ran an herbalist shop took her in. She didn’t really fit in, because most of the dwarves rejected her due to her lack of knowledge and reverence for their ways, and everyone else is just a little bit racist. Developed skills for thievery out of boredom and a desire to save for the things she wanted, and now relies on it as a general lifestyle. Primed to take over the potion shop her adopter runs, and was travelling to expand it when she was forcibly made a “reaper” - someone who uses elemtnal magic to defeat dark, demonic beasts infiltrating the world. Now that kind of serves as her primary focus.

Appearance: Short, a bit squat but not as much as many other dwarves (strives to make sure she is light on her feet and can squeeze through small places), fair skinned with slight tanning on cheeks, shoulders, etc... Auburn hair that is wild and unruly. Wears leather and dark clothing with hoods, gloves, face wraps, etc... has a blade that straps along the length of her forearm and can be popped out into a scythe. Uses shadow based magics.

Personality: Loud. Will say what she wants, when she wants - ifshe doesn’t like you, she will absolutely tell you. Enjoys fucking with people, and will use trickery to overcome obstacles when given a choice. Does not like to be looked down on and will go to great lengths to prove you wrong. Does not like the idea of commitment due to intense trust issues, but will not hesitate to indulge herself in whatever way she wants at the time. Prides herself on her ability to seduce just about any woman she comes across.

Petra

Background: Naive faun girl who lives in a tiny town in the middle of a wild forest and has literally never left. Her husband goes out adventuring and stops writing one day. She decides to go after him and experience the wonderful world! Surprise - the world is actually awfully. Cinnamon roll faun girl has a few exestential crisis before finding her husband who had become a revolutionary to try and make the world better before she could ever come see it. (It didn’t work). The world she is from is one where most people can use magic, however faun’s are born with “half” magic. They can bond with someone to give them their half of magic, meaning that between two bonded fauns, one can use magic. She gave her magic to her husband, and so in order to survive on her adventure has taken to collecting a meangerie of magic knicks knacks and items to compensate. Not all of them are good.

Appearance: Very small (smol) - just over 4 ft. Broad, branching antlers. Long wavy pale blonde hair that turns to a rose color at the ends. Very dusky brown skin with white freckles. Deer ears and a tail, as well as soft fluffy fur on her chest, forearms and lower legs. Big blue doe eyes. Wears impractical pretty clothes and an eclectic mix of jewelry (namely a gaudy collar of different gemstones that her husband had sent from a treasure trove - it does NOT match her clothing and is VERY expensive, but it was a gift so it doesn’t come off)

Personality: Cinnamon Roll that has had to witness too much cruelty of the world for her taste. Wants to make things better, but has doubts on her ability to do so. Has struggled with questions like what makes someone good, what is right and wrong, etc... and is still not settled on an answer. However, this challenged naivity has led to the development of the idea that most people are bad, and to assume people are bad until proven otherwise. Takes betrayal like a knife to the heart and can hold a grudge - especially if she thought you were better than that.

Vivian

Background: My longest running character who has ascended into some ridiculous territory. Vivian was basically an Aasimar Cleric. She was descended from a race of near immortal beings with the ability to access different dimensions (an ability that was awoken within her in her mid twenties). She has an angelic companion named Ezekiel who gives her some of her magic abilities and travels with her as both a fighting companion and a romantic partner. She is currently considered a God on 2 different worlds/other dimensions (one of which is basically dead so...)

Appearance: Tall (like... 7ft. tall), lean muscle (she is trained with a sword and shield, hand to hand combat and a crossbow, and wears heavy plate and chain), Sun-Tanned skin, long bright red hair, quite a number of scars (legs are covered in acid-like burn scars, chesst has a magic internal scar that runs along the veins, assortment of smaller scars from other attacks). Was missing right arm which was replaced with a magic prosthetic, but had it... replaced? When she ascended to Godhood (like you do). White angel wings with gold accents. WHEN ON A WORLD SHE IS A GOD OF her scars are replaced with ethereal gold filigree patterns, her hair dissolves at the tips into a sort of galaxy thing and her eyes glow a bit. Gold and White aesthetic.

Personality: Neutral Good - Values what is right and just abov eall else, even if she must kill or lie for it. The good of the many outweighs the desire of the few. Doesn’t believe that anyone is beyond saving, but will not risk others to try and save someone who doesn;t want it. A mediator - will try to find a middle ground of peace if she can before escelating things. Loves to find flowers to braid into hair, will adopt literally any kind of animal (which has included a giant spider in the past) and likes feeling pretty even when covered in heavy armor that can obscure almost her entire being.

[broncasaurus]

Tag of Basic Information W O W

i’ve been released from college like a bat out of hell but it was actually great i love college highly recommend sooooo now i have time for things like tumblr again y a y 

thank you @sugasweetsubs​ for tagging me and bring me back to the kpop fold ~

ABC tag

AGE – 19 i can’t believe i turn 20 this winter HO L Y 

BIGGEST FEAR – Not feeling fulfilled? Also spiders. 

CURRENT TIME – 3:45 PM 

DRINK YOU LAST HAD – Peach tea

EVERYDAY STARTS WITH – Coffee? An alarm? Physically getting up?

FAVORITE SONG – SO MANY I really like True Romance by Citizens! from The Beauty Inside ost, which is a great movie on Netflix btw. It’s a really funky and upbeat song, great for summer. Bop material. 

GHOSTS, ARE THEY REAL? – My Mom says yes, I say maybe. 

HOMETOWN – A bathtub 

IN LOVE WITH – Ooh so many things. Life is pretty great recently so i guess i love life. Aw. 

JEALOUS OF – People who don’t procrastinate and can easily answer phones. 

KILLED SOMEONE – P sure it’s a solid nope

LAST TIME YOU CRIED – when i watched this 

MIDDLE NAME – Clarice

NO. OF SIBLINGS – uno

ONE WISH – not having to worry about money would be gr8 pls and thank universe

PERSON I LAST CALLED/TEXTED – A group chat of my friends/roommates 

QUESTION YOU’RE ALWAYS ASKED – Do you dye your hair?

REASON TO SMILE – sunshine through a window, lee seokmin, rain and cloudy/overcast days, large bodies of water, coffee, strong woman do bong soon, flavored specialty coffee, autumn and brightly colored leaves and crisp mornings, sand between your toes, green leafy trees, the entirety of bangtan sonyeondan, friends, soft pillows, that feeling of bare legs in a comfortable bed, big cozy sweaters, astro comeback happening soon, books and especially books that have been so loved they feel soft in your hands. There’s a lot. 

SONG LAST SANG –  Journey to the Past from the new Anastasia musical! It’s such a great song and Christy Altomare has such passion in her performance and ugh childhood. Eagerly awaiting the cast recording to pop up...

TIME YOU WOKE UP – 9 AM 

UNDERWEAR – grandma-esque 

VACATION DESTINATION? – I recently went to Miguel’s campground in Kentucky and that was awesome, I’d like to go back sometime with my friends. 

WORST HABIT – Forgetting things? My roll my eyes a lot too when they feel uncomfortable but people misinterpret it a lot. 

YOUR FAVORITE FOOD – I love pasta in all forms except spaghetti. 

ZODIAC – SAGITTARIUS YOOOOOO 

BOLD tag

→ appearance:


I I am 5′7″ or taller 
I I wear glasses 
I have at least one tattoo 
i have at least one piercing 
i have brown eyes kinda? there’s green too idk it’s confusing 
i have short hair 
my abs are at least somewhat defined 
i have or have had braces 
There is something I would change about the way I look

→ personality:


I My Hogwarts house is: Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Slytherin 
I am an introvert 
i like/love meeting new people 
people tell me that i’m funny i think they’re being nice but i appreciate it none the less  
helping others with their problems is a big priority for me 
i enjoy physical challenges 
i enjoy mental challenges 
i’m playfully rude with people i know well  
i started saying something ironically and now i can’t stop saying it 
There is something I would change about my personality

→ ability:


I I can sing well 
i can play an instrument  
i can do over 30 pushups without stopping 
i’m a fast runner 
i can draw well 
i have a good memory i remember really useless things 
I’m good at doing math in my head 
i can hold my breath underwater for over a minute 
i have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling 
i know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch 
i know how to throw a proper punch eliott taught me to kept my thumb on the outside so it doesn’t break in 4th grade and that’s all i know 

→ hobbies:


I i enjoy playing sports I LOVE FRISBEE SO MUCH i have fantastic hand-eye coordination i’m really good at catching things lol  
i’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else 
I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else 
i have learned a new song in the past week 
i work out at least once a week 
i’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months 
i have drawn something in the past month 
i enjoy writing 
Fandoms are my #1 passion 
i do or have done martial arts

→ experiences:


I i have had my first kiss 
i have had alcohol 
i have scored the winning goal in a sports game 
I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting 
i have been at an overnight event 
i have been in a taxi 
I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year i took all of my roommates/suitmates, but i myself wasn’t admitted.  
I have beaten a video game in one day 
i have visited another country 
i have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

→ relationship:


I I’m in a relationship 
i have a celebrity crush this entire blog is pretty much evidence  
I have a crush on someone I know 
i have been in at least 3 relationships 
I have never been in a relationship 
i have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them 
I get crushes easily i get infatuated real quick but i wouldn’t say it’s the same as a crush. A crush is more meaningful i think 
I have had a crush on someone for over a year 
I have been in a relationship for at least a year 
i have had feelings for a friend isn’t that how most crushes start?

→ my life:


I i have at least one person i consider a “best friend” 
i live close to my school 
my parents are still together 
i have at least one sibling 
i live in the united states 
There is snow right now where I live 
i have hung out with a friend outside of school in the past month 
i have a smartphone 
I have at least 15 CDs 
I share my room with someone

→ random shit:


I i have breakdanced 
i know a person named jamie HEY GIRL I LOVE YOU YOU LIL VIRGO DEMON<3 
I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce 
i have dyed my hair 
i’m listening to one song on repeat right now 
i have punched someone in the past week 
i know someone who has gone to jail college dude 
I have broken a bone 
I have eaten a waffle today 
i know what i want to do with my life 
i speak at least 2 languages fluently 
i have made a new friend in the past year

I’ll tag @labelleangel, @melusthings, and @flowerboysruinme also anyone else who wants to! Tags r fun! Talk about urself! <33

[itbcharlie-blog]

I’ve always had mixed feelings about the idea of “coming out,” especially when I was younger. For me, the concept alone was rather weird and unnecessary. Never in my life have I heard or seen somebody come out as straight. I’m sure some of you rolled your eyes or even scoffed at my equivalency, but you know that I’m right. People don’t come out as straight because being straight is the status quo. If everyone is presumably straight, then coming out would be redundant. Coming out as gay automatically makes you the “other” in every definition of the word. As a kid, I always associated being gay with something bad because of how television and how adults depicted us.

I didn’t quite understand the power behind coming out until I was a little bit older. For a long time, I honestly thought that coming out is a personal decision, a personal conversation, and a personal experience. If you’re gay, I love you and I’m here for you, but there’s no need to broadcast it to the world. Or, at least I thought. I didn’t necessarily want people to hide being gay. Or maybe subconsciously I did. It’s hard to know for sure. What I do know is that coming out can be the most transformative and liberating moments in your life. Coming out shows the world that in spite of the obstacles purposely placed in our way, we don’t give a fuck.

Coming out is the fuck you story of our lives. 

Sure, coming out is liberating and it can be very fulfilling. However, it does not mean all of our stories are good. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the horror stories are true. Children are disowned by their families, kicked out, and shunned by their friends because they are gay.  Only because they are gay. It happens all the time. More than you know. More than I care to share, actually. It is those kids who I consider brave.

I get a little annoyed when the media call celebrities brave for coming out. That isn’t brave. Just like it isn’t “woke” just because Becky likes Beyonce and listens to Kendrick Lamar. Sure, it takes confidence to admit something like that when your career is on the line. However, if gay youth had to choose between coming out confused, broke, and alone or in front of the media with all of your fans’ love and support, I guarantee you we’d take our chances with the media.

People like Aaron Carter and ILoveMakonnen and Tyler the Creator have hundreds of thousands of fans willing to support their every bad decision. For them, coming out is a stepping stone. They aren’t brave.

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Brave is a word I reserve for the gay and queer youth around the world who come out as kids and endure their suffering alone. Brave is a word I associate with gay and queer youth who are pushed out of the closet by one of their loved ones, forcing them to defend an identity they are unsure of. Brave describes teenagers who are kicked out the house by their parents and are forced to find refuge with a friend or shelter or stranger.

That is brave.

Although the LGBT community is vastly diverse in every facet, the one thing that binds us together are our coming out experiences. Some are better than others but at the end of the day, we survived to retell our tale. Each story serves as a motivational piece. I didn’t realize the impact the stories would have on me when I began this project. I hope it encourages people to try and understand more and judge less.

These are our stories.

1. Dr. Strange

I came out at the age of 29

I knew I was interested in men since I was like 4 or 5, but I knew I was gay at 24.

The thing that preventing me from coming out was my fear of rejection, the loss of my family, and the shame and/or embarrassment for my mother.  

My “coming out” experience wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be. My family is very religious and just country ignorant when it comes to sexuality. “A man isn’t a man if he is having sex with another man”, “stop being a sissy”, “boys don’t do that” … Those were phrases I frequently heard growing up in small town Southern America.  I knew I had more than a friendship feelings towards certain boys in my neighborhood or some of my male cousin but I knew they were bad so I kept to myself. One day I told my sister.

I was five years old and I told my sister I liked a boy that was in her class (she was in the 5th grade). She called my two brothers in and my mom and told them and laughed at me and said, “You Gay” and they all made a joke out of it. From that point on, I knew I could never share who I was to them. So fast forward to my senior year in college. I was 22 years old and it was my first real male-to-male sexual experience. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel weird, bad or awkward. In fact, in felt natural. More natural than when I had sex with girls. At that point, I knew I was gay and there was no turning back. But, how would I tell my family?

I figured I’d never my family. My bedroom business was my business. One day, though, my brother was using my phone to send a text to his girl. In the process, he also read my texts. At first, he didn’t say anything to me but when I got home he inboxes me on FB. He told me to, “keep that gay shit to yourself, no one EVER wants to know about it.” My brother didn’t speak to me again for a year.

The following year he irrupted in anger at my siblings and I and “outed” me in the process. My sister and other brothers just looked at me. My brother shook his head and said, “It is what it is.” My sister looking at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I love you and you are a better man than him.” So, they in tell told my mother and my mother told my father. My mother called me and said that I was the best thing God could’ve given her and a great man. Afterwards, my family never discussed it again.

From time to time they will acknowledge my sexual preference in a subject or joke and that how they deal. But they always say they like for me to be happy. My family is supportive in their own way to reassure me that they want me to be happy.

I respect where they are in the process. 

  2. Storm

I came to the realization that I was attracted to other girls over boys when I was about 8 years old. I remember feeling so against the social stigma that existed for women and what they should be in the eyes of the world. Coming “out of the closet” was not by choice. At the age of 13, my parents went looking through my things, only to discover notes, some intimate and some not, between my girlfriend and I.

I grew up ashamed. In a Pentecostal Christian home, homosexuality was synonymous with Abomination to my parents. This situation eventually led to my girlfriend, at the time, and I both being kicked out of the church choir. To top it off, I was also forced to go to gay conversion therapy with the pastor of the church.  Because of the shame, I still continued to deny it and chose to try to be “straight”. Finally, in 10th grade, I came out to everyone in school and I experienced nothing but acceptance and love from my friends. Unfortunately, it would take years for my parents to come around and still until this day, I am not quite sure that they actually accept me

Sometimes it feels they’d rather just deal with me because they have no choice. If I had been given the confidence to feel okay with myself, or just had even one ally in LGBT community around me when I was growing up, I may have felt differently and been honest with myself sooner.

The people who I had by my side to help me cope were my very best friends, my aunt, and the one who surprised me the most, my grandmother. Not once did she judge me or make me feel any sort of shame and because of her, I found confidence in who I was and stood strong. The one piece of advice I would give to my younger self is, always stand in your truth, no matter what anyone says about you, don’t worry. There is nothing wrong with you. God made you just the way you are, and the devil had nothing to do with it:) LOL

Thank you for letting me share a small part of me. I tried to be as brief as I can and get straight to the point (no pun intended).  I never really had to put it down on paper or into words.

CHECK BACK NEXT WEEK FOR COMING OUT BRAVE: VOLUME 2.

    Coming Out Brave: Vol. 1 I've always had mixed feelings about the idea of "coming out," especially when I was younger. For me, the concept alone was rather weird and unnecessary.

[royalblurryfacedbastard]

Today was nice!

I only had two classes but they were both fun ones (choir and singing) so that’s fine.

I was mega-pissed this morning tho. Like I was really furious all bc we didn’t have fuckin mashed potatoes at home bc that’s the stuff I get pissed at.

I slept from like 5-6 pm to almost 7 though I don’t really know how, I mean I woke up once at 3 am and then I fell asleep again and somehow slept through almost all my alarms. I don’t even remember hearing any of them go off even though I know they must have.

Oh well, I came to school at 11 am and we had choir class. It was just me and this girl who were alts or whatever so we had a bit of a hard time on the song but we managed. I sat w CG at first but she kept singing this song she sang yesterday involving me (not offensive in any way) but it started to piss me off so I just kinda moved a bit. Didn’t want to upset her or ruin her mood bc she’s been p happy today and yesterday so yes.

I went to lunch w my classmates and discussed Latin a bit w DV, I mainly just complained about how complicated it is and he agreed even tho he’s not interested in learning it. Then A kinda shat on my idea for a poetry club which felt. Uhm. Bad? I felt angry then a little bit and also hurt I think but it was like I had bubblewrap around my feelings so it was all kinda numbed off. I dunno.

I didn’t do much before my singing lesson, I chatted w some people and told some of the people who are interested in the club that they’ll need to email me so I know they’d like to join and stuff. Was gonna talk to the rap guy but I couldn’t find him after choir.

The singing lesson went okay-ish; I had some problems w getting the higher notes which is only really a problem because I let it be I think. I’m a bit self-conscious when it comes to singing high and also with more powerful singing since I’ve thought my voice is kinda weak and stuff for so long but I know I can do it. Just gotta practice.

After that class I went out for a smoke w CG, DS and some other peeps and then I took the train w DS. He was an angle and got me a train ticket since I can’t do that bc of stuff and for some reason my card didn’t work on the bus home but the driver let me on anyways.

Also! A little kid speaking English said my hair was pretty today on the train. She asked me how I had green hair and I got kinda shy so I couldn’t answer and idk. It was a funny and cute experience. She touched my hair and their parents asked her if she had asked permission to do that and she didn’t answer, and then when they asked again she was just like “let’s go” and walked off. That was p hilarious ngl.

I’m home now and since I’m free tomorrow I’m just gonna do whatever. I might study and finish my religion assignment so I won’t have to worry abt it but we’ll see.

[iamjeangrey24]

My 26.2 miles journey

It is every runners dream to cross the finish line under the full marathon category. In 2015 I get to know in social media Harriet Thompson who cross the finish line at the age of 76 and a cancer survivor. I am amazed by the fact that she did it and she just wanted to help her community raise funds. From then on I also dream of one day I will cross the finish line. Fast forward I have running friends who initiated the idea of doing a full marathon and I just laugh about it and told them to wait until Im ok after ironman. Around April of this year, something has struck me and decided to sign up for the distance since  SCSM is a race that gives back to community like GIVE ASIA and knowing that our Bro. Don is seeking assistance under it I decided to join the cause and spread his battle. I did not know yet how to train for it as I have another goal in mind which is to finish the run strong in ironman and also to complete the training program as pacer for GEWR 2017.

During our pacer training I followed diligently the training schedule and squeeze in a little more distance to build mileage for full marathon. Good thing Running Department help me in achieving my training goals learning about running drills and good form of stretching. It was not an easy journey but for the love of running, having new friends and learning something new in every session makes me look forward to it.

After our pacer duty I focus with my full marathon training which is less than a month. I have to skip other activities and isolate my self to work and training. For me doing all of these is a talent I have to master and a responsibility I like to do which highly involves time management and dedication. Along the journey I was happy to meet people who have experienced running the distance and shared with me their trainings and preparations that I will always remember and I am grateful.Two weeks before race day I got sore throat and the weather became uncooperative it was crazy knowing I have to catch up with my training  but I don’t have a choice but to take medicines and pray harder to let me get things done.

December 3, 2017 our race day has finally come, woke up at 1:45 am got myself a good breakfast and went to the starting line.

                                                    26.2 flatlay

                                 Glendys of GE Pacer 215 as my seatmate

Walking to the starting point of the run, and Orchard giving us this Christmas spirit vibe before the flag off.

Asked Bro. Gab to lead a short prayer before we run our own race and time. Then he asked me when’s our next race gonna be....

The first part of the race is in Victoria Street heading to Arab St. and Haji lane we were greeted by a cheering squad and live performances of music which help me get into the momentum of my run. I printed out my own pace band same with what we have during our pacer training to help me control my run, avoid getting excited and to remind myself to trust my training, but of course it didn’t really happened as planned GPS was a total mess which become ahead by atleast 1.5km so I just have to see my pace band against the distance markers. Nonetheless  I was amazed to see the scenic route of Singapore and enjoy every view specifically the sunrise at around 15km the half and full marathoners have eventually split up in the route and I told myself this is a test of endurance. Before I know it I am back in ECP where I use to train I am amaze that there are a lot of spectators and crowds cheering for us offering gummy bears, gels ice candy and sponge a fellow runner even ask if there is Durian. :D Then I manage to see my choir mates  I call their attention before continuing with my run after the U-turn point in the 23rd km mark they waited for me and cheered as I pass by them there are also live bands along the way that kept us entertained I thanked God for allowing me to pass the first half of the journey but somehow along the road I am feeling tired and ask my self again why am I doing this and prayed to God. I look forward running to reach the 36th km mark to see some familiar faces from Running Department and Anjali handed me my requested Gummy bears and while some of the half marathon pacers and my training mates gave me  a high five and they cheered for us while we continue to run that helped a lot even though I just wanted to cry and stay with them ^_^.  As we approach the 37th km mark I see an uphell road and told my legs we’re dead :P Few km’s to the finish line the 515 pacers is already behind me and I see our mama Tracy joined them and telling runners to keep going somehow I tried to cope and run along their side then walk and push my self in the last 500m. 

Alas! I cross the finish line extremely happy offering prayer to God. Manage to thank the pacers for their push and uplifting spirit. What a surreal experience to cross the line and become a marathoner. My training and sacrifices has paid off and thankful to my family and friends for their prayers and support. 

This experience has taught me lifetime memories and values in life... some of them I listed below

1. Always move forward and never backwards.

2. No matter how hard life can be you will get through it just like running.

3. You get to learn from experiences the blister, chafing and little wounds will eventually mark and have a story with your journey.

4. It boosts self confidence, I was never born a runner I just tried and voila its one of the best thing I ever did.

5. Not everyone does it so give yourself a pat in the back.

6. Talent is cheap but hardwork is essential.

And of course the road to recovery can be daunting and overwhelming....

Best place to carbo load, thankful for their support from helping me carry my things instead of doing bag deposit, a place to swim and celebrant that treat us Life is good and so my friends :)

Overall it is a good experience to run my first full marathon with #scsm2017.