#I’m fine just high and tired
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Late night trauma dump
Back when my mother first got custody of me, I was given a laptop. It wasn’t connected to the internet, but it had my Big Fish games downloaded on it. On the laptop, as with most computers, there was Microsoft Word. I was around 12, maybe 13 at the oldest, because that’s when I was techno-banned. Anyway, I used Microsoft Word to “write.” I never really sat down and wrote anything substantial—maybe half of a first chapter. Most of what I did was plot outlines and character analysis… I don’t know.
After a series of events, I was having an argument with my stepfather. I don’t remember how it started—he was always starting shit with me—but that’s neither here nor there. All I fully remember is that college had been mentioned somehow, and he said, “How are you going to pay for it? I’ve read your writing; you’re not getting a scholarship.” Keep in mind, I was thirteen at the oldest. I had also been told by both him and my mother that the computer was mine and that any writing I did on it would be private, in case I wanted to type a diary (I never did; he just read my paper version instead).
I never wrote again. Maybe a year ago, I tried to start again, but writing anything more than shitty roleplay responses makes me stressed enough to want to puke. Hardly any creative writing stays uploaded on my side blogs for more than a week. I’m still trying but it’s hard.
I don’t know how to end this rant…
#I’m fine just high and tired#₍⸍⸌̣ʷ̣̫⸍̣⸌₎ original thought#tw family issues#tw rant#tw vent#tw family trauma
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the worldbuilding i’m missing from bg3 is how all these people with horns are lying down. karlach is missing a horn so she can be a side sleeper on that side, which also accommodates her tail so that’s groovy.
how about the other tieflings though? some horn styles are unobtrusive enough to not be a problem but zevlor? rolan? the only thing i can come up with us that there’s some kind of specialized pillow tiefs can use that is small and dense enough to just support their head and let the horns go around it. or maybe they have to sleep in a massage table style facedown bed if they’ve got a real twisty pair of horns. actually i bet a hammock would actually work decently well with horns but then you’re lying on your back on your tail and we’re back to square 1.
but wyll?? i’ve looked at his character model and there is not a side of his head that the horns don’t extend past several inches. i KNOW he’s not laying on his back on a bedroll around the fire with us. he just got his horns so he hasn’t had any time to have a special pillow made. and we’re camping so he can’t have a fancy bed. i can totally imagine wyll’s self-sacrificing don’t want to be a bother ass just. sucking it up and learning to sleep cross legged.
i can’t help it these are the things that are interesting to my brain. how do people with horns lie down!!
#bg3#wyll ravengard#the post is mostly about him so he’s the only one i’m tagging#the animals with horns that we could compare to are all quadrupedal and don’t really have to lay their heads on anything#u know who would have given me a detailed description of how sleeping with horns works. ryoko kui. goddamn dunmeshi is a masterclass#anyways my tav is noticing wyll seeming really tired and snooping in on his sleeping situation and upon discovering him sitting up#they are finding a hacksaw and a steel file and chopping those damn things off!! it’s just keratin it’s fine!!#i’ve read several wyll fics that describe him lying down etc and i’m always like how!!!#is he just resting on them and letting his neck be cricked to high heaven??#hearthposting
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Hey, a shy mutual here, I love reading your tags on stuff, they always make you sound like you're in the middle of a manic episode or some other psychotic state, and that's exactly the sort of shit I stay on tumblr for 💖💖💖 you're doing.the Lord's work
wdym ‘sound like’ ? 😭😭
#asked#anonymous#queen it’s bc i AM !!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭#i’ve been twitching all day from either dehydration hunger or both & i’m still refusing to eat#like ok real stimulant users get it …. u know when u been up like 30hrs & u haven’t eaten at all & ur so tired & it’s like ur muscles in ur#neck are literally having spasms trying to keep ur head up bc ur body is so exhausted & starved#u can just dm btw like will i respond ? probably ! the same day ? week ? month ? we will find out ❤️#i literally just talked to raid again yesterday since october 13 bc i’ve been constantly panicking & too busy to respond at all#‘too busy’ girl ur just being crazy & doing shit u SHOULDNT#also i think the jeeters i usually get have switched to spice i think their real weed money ran out ALSKALSKALKSLAKSAKSL#idk like a real thc oil isn’t supposed to be running and viscous at room temperature it’s supposed to be slow & thick like glue or syrup &#shut shit is FLUIDDDDDDD#i think it’s just cut honestly w what lord knows but u can tell like they don’t include the microusb or the little antishatter sponge in the#packs but it’s fine idc im still smokin it im high im happy im going to kill myself i swear to god anyway not the point#where was i going w this#i don’t remember
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/3.11.24
#it’s incredible how i feel tired just by the thought of swiping peoples profiles on a friend/meet app#like I really have to force myself#I forced myself to say to a girl I saw in july if she wanted to meet and she couldn’t back then and now I’m like okay I tried it I’m#I whine to myself I’m lonely yet looking for people is not a thing I fancy#I am convinced the people who would matter wouldn’t be found like this anyway#but chances of meeting people are 0#still clinging on to this person I met at the only friends of friend group thing which is almost sci -fi for me#despite I probably shouldn’t#and on top ov everything I always mess everything up because I can’t communicate well what I feel or actually I don’t really know that anywa#colleague added to me to a chat group pf expats here it doesn’t look exciting but I imagined that#I should see a high school mate after xmas#i am genuinely glad about it#although I am kinda thinking I should probably pretend it’s all fine#last time was..2020 which feels like yesterday but is 4 years ago#Jesus cjrist#maybe I should still reply to that girl who gave me depression but her and the sister were quite into me#asked like in may if i wanted to hang out and do creative stuff (3rd time#and I had told myself after the second time which was also major depression time and winter#blues#that I was done with it although always pretending it was fun#but god I was getting depression from them#would take pics of us where I think I never forced a smile more than that time#and my policy is just b clear and polite#but I swear I don’t have energies to just text and say sorry we don’t match
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well ig the good news is my heart problem isn’t actually stemming from my heart somethign else is going on that’s making my blood pressure plummet and go all over the place which is causing the fainting so next step is endocrinology and neurology 🙃
#experiencing simultaneous relief and disappointment fucking sucks#I’m fine I’m going to go hang out with my best friend and get dinner and chill but#I’m so disappointed I want to cry so bad for so long in bed#I need answers. WHY. WHY is this happening to me#but my doctor was really validating#so that was very nice I’m so grateful for that shoutout to Henry#ily Henry have a good weekend#I’m so tired of trying to decode my health like a fucking puzzle ffs#can I have at least one calendar year where I get No New Issues PLLEASE#I am …. upset :)#but it’ll be fine. the good news is I’m safe#I’m not going to have a fucking heart attack or somethign and that’s what I need to fixate on. it’s not a cardiac issue just cardiac sympto#whATeVER#I’m gonna go order Mediterranean food and get high with my best friend fuck everything else
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#Early morning Maria vent post#my anxiety the last couple days has just been so high it’s like walking a tightrope#and I saw a friend yesterday and talked about a lot of the under the surface stuff#and it was good but it also brought so many things into this sharp clarity#that made me dizzy#and made me hate my own desire to have everything just laid out so clearly and so starkly in words#like why can’t I just leave things to cliches. Leave my own psyche to cliches. There’s a reason they exist!!!#but the hunger to understand and articulate is always so strong but when it’s for the big stuff you can’t really put into words#doing so always just leaves me so raw and vulnerable and wretched afterwards#and gosh it’s just been building and building the last few days#and I’m just so tired and so fraught and so tired! Of my own overthinking and circling round a problem#but never being able to talk myself into a clear understanding of what I want to do#I am just. Wrecked and wretched!#which is dramatic because I will be fine and things will keep going#but it’s five in the morning and I am completely taut with anxiety#and it’s awful and everything is awful and I need to cry and sleep#but clearly it was time for my early morning vent post that will be deleted later#the hallmark of me on vacation I guess#so this is me [ screaming into the void ]#this is me trying to get some of that out#thanks for listening etc.
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What if a poor girl sick in her bed shivered so much that she died. And there was no soup in the house
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Trying to buy sudafed at the pharmacy is like yeah, I know people make meth out of this but I swear I’m actually sick please please let me buy this guilt free
#trust me! I’m a nice guy! I’m one of the good ones!#makes me feel like a got dang crimmnal!#and they still didn’t have any! so I got to feel suspicious for nothing#just wanted a good decongestant. regular otc pills are basically placebos and nasal sprays burn#oh well#I got some spray and vitamins 🤷🏻♂️ not much else I can do#I’m so tired. I can’t sleep without feeling like I’m suffocating#still… we remain silly#my brother graduated high school on Friday. it was outdoors and we got rained on so I was cold and wet all night#I should have gone inside under cover but nooo I thought sitting in rain for 20 minutes would be fine#uwu sitting in the rain as the sun goes down. how romantic. NO! That’s how you get sick!#could be worse. but my health these days is already bad so adding this to it is burning me out. HARD.#I’m losing my shit!#I think I should be allowed to upload my consciousness into a giant killer robot. because I’m a sweetie ☺️#anyway…#you can ignore this#text
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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ummm so apparently you can have burnout backlashes :)
#i’m Fine#i think the fall was just such a huge relief for me#like riding a high of having a steady and good job for the first time ever#but i have ALSO felt ’it cannot be this easy’#and now my stomach is a fkn mess my tension headaches have come back i’m so tired i have anxiety#and i KNOW it doesn’t mean everything is as bad as it was#but i made the (apparently very common lol) mistake of thinking that i was CURED#so i need to slow the fuck down and be happy i’m so much better#but also realize that i’m nowhere near fully rehabilitated#unnnnnngh
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does everybody have a little guy inside of their chest screaming really really loudly “WE CANT KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS” at all times unless u drown him out with Pixels and Noises or is that just me
#tired of spending my entire life dissociated and distracted as i sprint between physical and mental flare-ups.#whatever i’m high and it’s been a bad day and i’m fine i’m just in a TERRIBLE mood. like fuck everybody including myself.#izzy.txt
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Personally I literally do not mind when the heat index is 103F but I just cannot do this humidity bro. I cannot live if my body can’t cool itself off.
#it’s fine actually but the CONSEQUENCES#I’ve decided to run commando bc it just doesn’t make sense#imagine wearing underwear under bathing suit going swimming and then going to the bathroom#it’s so fucking ANNOYING#that’s what my life is like on the weekends#also I said my room was in the high 80s or something I think that was a lie#bc it was cooler outside than in my room#I don’t really get it#it’s supposed to FEEL LIKE 103F outside but I don’t think it does#I’m just so tired of being wet I HATE IT it’s literally like jumping in a body of water and then running a half marathon#and u only get wetter#my phone is USELESS#I could only use it when I passed the public bathrooms so I could wipe the sweat off with TOILET PAPER#running#I would run badwater but I would NEVER run the HURT 100#maybe#I’ve never actually run in dry heat but it cannot be worse than this literally#scientifically and physiologically it can’t be worse than running in humidity
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itchy tooth all day. constant runny nose & cough continuing on 5 days after I recovered from my cold. ears feeling plugged/high-pressure and popping (then getting replugged again) over the past week. haven’t heard things around me properly in days. I’m about to bite into someone
#literally have to keep tissues on hand constantly because my nose is like a dripping faucet ugh this is awfullll#the itchy tooth is definitely the worst though I hope it’s temporary and I don’t need a root canal#I stay so on top of brushing/flossing/dentists visits but 3 weeks ago I was eating dinner#and my bite suddenly felt REALY weird. like one of my lower teeth was way too high up#the next morning I bite into a croissant and feel something hard in my mouth and 🥰 the back wall of one of my premolars just. fell off.#had to wait a week to see the dentist bc she was closed for the holidays#looks at the tooth#ur mouth is so healthy no plaque no enamel at all but you had a huge filling done there probably like a decade ago#and bc you grind ur teeth in your sleep it just. fractured under the stress#me: oh. that was possible#dentist; yeah girl 😔#anyway I got the filling done on Monday and got fitted for a night guard too 😭👍 and an ortho referral. but now it’s ITCHY#it was fine the first two days and now it’s bothering me. I’ve felt a dying nerve before and it isn’t this so I’m hoping it’s just#irritation/body going 🚨 over what it thinks is a foreign body (because they basically redid the whole filling)#but ugfhhhh if I need a root canal….#it’s one of those buildups of so many annoyances that if ONE more thing slightly annoys me I might start crying LOL#I know none of this is really that bad but it’s adding up LMAO#YES ENAMEL I MEANT NO PLAQUE*** AM TIRED LSJSJSJS
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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quick it’s 7 am push your enby-in-high-valyrian trans rhaegar agenda.
this explains it way better than me.
#headcanon. rhaegar targaryen.#headcanon. rhaegar targaryen. more god than man.#[it’s 650 am#and I have been awake since uhhhhhh 4 am and I am dying of a migraine. I pray the excedrin helps. I have my next after school today. I’m so#nervous. but I didn’t come here to whine about education I came here to be awake way too long because my dog doesn’t feel good. and I stayed#awake all night just holding her so she could sleep comfortably. her poor ear. it’s fine tbh I can nap when I’m done later. I got D&D later#with my brothers.#ANYHOW apply logic here as in: don’t.#if I remember correctly kryptonian lends itself strongly to neutral pronouns and also another gender binary entirely.#and I don’t recall it high Valyrian does the same but I believe it does. and if it doesn’t I’m gonna figure out how to conjugate it.#(ixian is a language kitty speaks it and I could even write it but I don’t want to follow my own conjugation rules)#(I’m lazy and tired it’s 6:54 am)#rhaegar favors high Valyrian sometimes for his singing as well because the commonfolk aren’t exactly fluent in high Valyrian and he can#be whatever he wants in that language and have it not be noticed.#high Valyrian isn’t explicitly neutral but I remember reading it works by solar and lunar genders (solar= male and lunar#=female) and it’s similar to Greek or Spanish where words are masculine or feminine. (the ocean is a lady in Greek and a dude in Spanish).#English doesn’t have that. English doesn’t possess a male or female pronoun system.#but like for example. in Greek if it ends in ‘o’ it’s masculine and ‘a’ it’s feminine. but what about other words???#‘I’ is a plural at the end! so it is ‘masculine plural’. which means ‘skilo’ (dog) (masculine) becomes ‘skilì’ (dogs)#but the basic assumption default is often masculine. so in high Valyrian ‘prince’ (if you take the prince that was promised prophecy for#linguistic reference) ‘prince’ is not a ‘prince’ as in ‘masculine’ but a role. the gender is automatically assumed -in English-. in high#Valyrian however ‘prince’ in the prophecy is ‘gender neutral’ as in… basically a job. it’s a job. like ‘teacher’. you can be any gender#teacher. you can be any gender prince. okay. guess I just reconfigured high Valyrian how I wanted to.#(don’t come for me my old url was gelenkadarilaros and rhae rhae is my child) also I haven’t watched hotd or read anything that came out#after dance with dragons. I’m woefully unlearned but this ^^^ is called ‘it’s my blog I do what I want.’ and rhaegar gets described so#femininely that cersei uses 7000 ‘girly’ adjectives to describe him. rhae’s just -beautiful-. it’s his main trait other than sorrowful. I#adore him and would kill for him… except he’s dead so guess that’s off the table. THANKS FOR KILLING HIM BEFORE THE ACTUAL PLOT AND ONLY#GIVING ME VAGUE BITS TO GO WITH GEORGE I APPRECIATE IT. I’m so tired oh my god.#anyway rhae’s a ‘prince’ (neutral) and I’m not saying he Is The prince that was promised it’s just the example. I have ANOTHER hc explaining#my thoughts on that one. it’s over somewhere. okay I’m going back to sleep.]
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there’s no way to express that people keep randomly reaching out to me to talk daily and at length and keep pushing for my space in my life and i really don’t need or more importantly WANT that politely there’s no good way to say that politely
#personal#it just sounds awful! and it makes me feel kinda bad!!!#but people keep like contacting me and just#i’m responding but not reciprocating? if that makes sense? and they’re not doing anything bad by trying to make new connections#and if i really don’t enjoy talking to someone i should just tell them#but it’s not even that i don’t like these people or talking it’s just the frequency and again no good way to say#hey! i’m not really open to expanding our relationship rn. ur fine i like you fine but im dealing with a lot and dont need anything new in#my life in the moment. like no good way to say#and also i hate the ball being put in my court. you came to me. i wasn’t seeking anything i was just here#and then with several of these relationships from their end they want to vent or talk about something that needs real consideration#like art criticism or saying what i like or again venting and other stuff#and it’s like man i am. drinking heavily. i’m having breakdowns bc im not sure my mom is gaslighting me on purpose#i have a full#time job i routinely do OT for and a million other things#i don’t want to be anyone’s rock rn#at least not anyone who’s not a close friend or family#cause if it was any of my besties asking hey can you come to my house so i’m not alone :(#i’m on my way that’s barley anything#girl from high school i had one class with who i have never hung out with uh. no#i don’t want to go to ur house after a 12 hour shift#and there’s a very mean question of like. do you have friends ur closer wirh?#not even judging just like we are not close. do you have closer friends?#and then it’s hard to do replies bc like how are you graham ! how’s life!#i don’t feel comfortable telling you the intimacies of my life and struggles rn#but i can’t give the basic good and you bc you are actively asking for more than that#so i have to think of an appropriate response ask you back and now it’s a vent session about ur life#and then so much is put on you for something you didn’t ask for#like this girl replied to my insta story like can we play iphone games again :(#as much love as i can muster we are grown adults i was just at work. just send the game!!!#i know i’m the weird one here it’s just. a lot of people want relationships with me and i’m tired and don’t need or want more at the moment
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