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equinoxts2 · 1 year ago

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15 Questions from Mutuals

@withlovefromayre tagged me and although I feel awkward singling anyone else out to tag, I’m happy to answer these questions. Ramble incoming!

Are you named after anyone? This is very embarrassing, but in 2014 I changed my name to one of the regions of a world where a then-favourite game site was set. Five years later, when I couldn’t take the high-tension, high-drama events that site did at least twice a year or the way the site’s staff encouraged the greedy, heartless attitude of most of the other community members, I turned my back on the fandom and have regretted picking that particular name ever since. Either way, I just couldn’t live with my birth name any longer - that never felt like me, to put it mildly.

When was the last time you cried? Last week, when I had two major emotional crises in two days. Sometimes I feel so out of place on 21st century Earth that I want to sue the universe for misincarnation or something.

The second time it happened last week, my mum took me for a walk round the park across the street to help me calm down. Nothing could lift me out of the depths of despair though - until we were nearly home and she picked a dandelion and gave it to me to blow the seeds off. Getting to be a kid again for a couple of seconds helped me to smile again, and pulled me back from the brink. I’m going to buy myself a piece of jewellery with a dandelion on it, so I can remember how much it helped me.

Do you have kids? No, I acknowledge that I’m not cut out to be a parent or a partner. I do consider all nine generations of sims I’ve raised so far to be my babies, though.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Sometimes, when I’m with someone I know won’t take it personally, like my mum. If I’m being completely honest, I can dish it out but I can’t take it.

What sports do you play/have you played? Truth be told, I’m a couch potato. Sixteen years of depression can do that to a person, though I am trying to get more active and healthy. However, I was very active as a child and I did once win a skipping rope race at my primary school sports day.

What is the first thing you notice about other people? Whether I feel comfortable around them or not. I’m autistic and I find it difficult meeting new people, but there are some people - including my regular support workers - who I’ve clicked with almost instantly. Others, I just get... spiky vibes or something from them.

Scary movies or happy endings? Definitely happy endings. I love musicals and Disney movies - and whatever I watch, it always helps for me to have a box of tissues handy.

Any special talents? I’ve been told I’m very insightful. I’m good at language creation, wordplay, worldbuilding and writing, with a particular flair for comic verse. I can also create and edit mods for Sims 2. One day I’d like to publish fantasy novels for children and young adults who might be going through rough times, to offer comfort and escapism and not hit too close to home by setting them in our world.

Where were you born? Whipps Cross Hospital in Walthamstowe, London. Apparently David Beckham was also born there. *shrugs* Whatever.

What are your hobbies? Mostly it’s Sims 2, reading about and creating various fantasy worlds, solo roleplaying, Plants vs. Zombies 2, and my mum and I are currently hyperfixating on another game app, Two Dots, which I discovered by accident. I also love being out in nature and have planted some wildflower seeds around the park near my home.

Do you have any pets? At the time of writing, I have an aquarium with six fish - one male and three female platies, one rummy nose tetra and one silvertip tetra who is easily the boss of the aquarium - and there’s an indeterminate number of amano shrimp in there too. It’s been nearly 18 months since we had to say goodbye to our elderly dog, Charlie, and I still miss him, it doesn’t feel right without a clueless lump of fur around.

How tall are you? 5′4″.

Fave subject in school? School was a living nightmare for me, but I did enjoy writing and art. I used to cry myself to sleep on nights before geography lessons though, because although I love learning about other cultures, I couldn’t bear hearing about wars and natural disasters.

Eye Colour: Dark brown.

#tag game #meme #ask meme #non sims #personal

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lesbianslovebts · 1 year ago

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starting to think about looking for a new job in the very near future and my biggest fear rn is just. being in a new workplace, new people who have been there for so long already, just integrating myself into the place. leaving where I am now. and it's proper holding me back from even starting the job hunt. I know u recently got a new job if I'm not mistaken? did you have any worries like this or anything like that? advice maybe? 😭

Yes, I started a new job a month ago! Big huge response under the cut!

There were several factors that went into the decision. First, I hated my old job. It was a call center, and every single millisecond was monitored. I literally had to time my shits. They kept changing the metrics by which they measured our performance (making it harder to do "well" when, by old standards, I was doing "excellent"). They never approved same-day PTO. Each unapproved absence was a mark on your record that got you one step closer to being fired. An unapproved absence, even excused by a doctor's note, was still a mark on your record. I don't even know how that can be legal. They kept firing hardworking, established people and replacing them with new people overseas to take advantage of even worse labor laws and exchange rates. 🙃

The thing is, even though I'm autistic and have phone anxiety, I genuinely enjoyed helping people who've been victims of fraud. I was good at it, too. I was there for almost 5 years, but I knew I was considered expendable. Their policies were blatantly ableist, and I just couldn't take it anymore. Second, I wanted a job where I could go into the office. The old one changed to permanent work from home, and I kept having severe depression from being so isolated. Third, I wanted a job that would use my talents. I mean, I was good at taking phone calls, but I double-majored in math and Japanese, graduated summa cum laude, and was inducted in Phi Beta Kappa lol. And lastly, I wanted a job with opportunity for growth. (A career? 🤢)

So, the desire to get a new job started a couple years ago. But first, I had to buy my own car. I did that in February. Then the whole process of finding a new job began in April. I was in an intensive outpatient therapy program for 6 weeks. I filed a short-term disability claim and was out of work for that time. I worked on getting myself better, and got help from my peers, the therapists, the social workers, and my mom to brush up my resume and cover letter and start looking at jobs. I returned to work at the end of my disability claim with the hope that I wouldn't be there much longer.

I applied to a total of 3 different jobs, and it took several weeks to do one after the other. I would get too overwhelmed doing more than one at a time. I did the work myself, but my mom had to poke and prod me and be there as an emotional support. The first application was immediately rejected. I did a phone interview and an in-person interview for the second one and got rejected. Then my mom heard about a coworker from another department at her company retiring. They were having trouble finding a new person, so my mom told me to apply for that job. I had a phone interview and a videochat interview and got an offer after a week or so. It was a $9k bump in pay. 😳

Don't get me wrong, the change was incredibly stressful. I cried on my last day at the old job even though I had worked from home for the past 3 years and didn't have any strong relationships with my coworkers. I'm autistic, so change is extra difficult for me. And my shift went from 1 PM - 10 PM to 7:30 AM - 4 PM. That was rough. On top of that, I've developed chronic migraine (more than half of the days in a month) this year. I'm also immunocompromised and have IBS and sensory issues. So, I just have to work through the internalized shame of being disabled. I have a lot of work to do still. I had planned on telling my boss that I'm autistic the first day, but I still haven't mentioned it. It might be obvious based on the stuff I do and bring, though. I wear a mask and giant pink goggles. I bring earplugs, noise cancelling headphones, discreet stim toys, ibuprofen, rizatriptan, anti-nausea meds, Tums, Gas-X, Afrin, and hand sanitizer in my backpack. I've had a couple crying episodes worrying about the social aspect of talking to people and the job itself. But I know this will be a much better fit for me, and this is a company I could work at until I retire.

So, part of it was hard work, and the other part was luck that my mom also works at the company and heard about the position. In these times, I know 3 job applications is nothing, but it took all of my strength just to do those consecutively. My advice? Get an accountability buddy. Try to find someone who can help you break down the process into manageable chunks and make you do them at a reasonable pace, without judgment. Could be a friend, a parent, a sibling, a partner, an old teacher, whoever. As for the actual hunting on the Accursed Websites? You'll have to ask Google for help. That's what I did. 😭

P.S. (IMPORTANT!) With my experience in bank fraud, I've seen a lot of job scams. Take these tips to heart (if you're in America): 1.) Make sure the position on Indeed or wherever is ALSO on the official company website. If possible, apply on the official website. 2.) No company will ever give you a check to buy supplies for the job. A true company will order and ship the supplies to you. 3.) No company will ever prepay you for work you haven't done yet. 4.) No company will ever overpay you and ask you to send part of the money back via Zelle, CashApp, Venmo, PayPal, etc. 4.) No company will ever email you a check. 5.) If you're not familiar with checks and aren't sure if it's legit, call the bank listed on the check to see if it's legit or fraud. 6.) Any too-good-to-be-true work-from-home job is a 100% a scam. 7.) If you think only the elderly fall for scams like this, you're wrong. 18- to 25-year-olds are another big scam victim demographic, especially for scams involving checks or 3rd party payment processors (CashApp, Venmo, etc.). Banks can and will terminate your accounts if you accidentally commit bank fraud or money laundering. 😬

Best of luck!

#doesn't hurt to pray either if that's something you do #llbtsanswer #llbtspost

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otherkyn · 3 months ago

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I was diagnosed as autistic in 2022 at 17 years old. I've recently come to the conclusion that I am, in fact, not autistic, and I was misdiagnosed. There are many reasons why I say this.

First off, I am way, way too adept at socializing. I can understand social cues quite nicely, and I'm able to understand when to adjust my behavior, even if it feels unnatural and weird to do so. I get jokes, I understand social norms (though, sometimes I do find a lot of them stupid or pointless), and I'm able to detect figures of speech/body language.

I have been "cured" of my sensory issues by exposing myself to frequent, loud stimuli. At work, there is a lot of noise. The ovens rotating constantly, the mixers mixing away, the order station pinging, the chattering, the banging of dishes, and the like. I can be exposed to that for a little bit before getting overstimulated, but I don't react in a manner that's considered "abnormal". I literally just quietly grab my noise-cancelling headphones and get back to work. I used to shut down because of noise, but now I'm able to make sense of what's around me and work with that without freaking out.

Speaking of "getting back to work". Task switching is very easy for me. I'm able to transition into doing something else with minimal effort. I can go from frosting cookies, to helping with a coworker with an order within 5 seconds, and go back to what I was originally doing just fine. My attention span is cooked, but it's only because of being online for the majority of my life.

I like a variety, and I hate routine after some time. Just like most allistics, I actually need variety. I cannot stand being in one place at once, I can't stand not actually doing anything, and I can't stand doing the same thing over, and over, and over again. I need to actually be doing a variety of things.

I have a normal voice tone, fluctuation, etc. I speak normally. Nobody has ever pointed out me sounding monotonous unless I was depressed or upset and had monotonous speech as a result.

I have the expected amount of empathy.

I don't have a huge childhood record of concerning traits/symptoms, even socially. I think I was a typically developed child.

I actually don't see what I perceived as possibly autism as a disability. It was more so a set of quirky traits, which I know autism isn't, so I feel uncomfortable calling myself autistic just because of traits that society may deem as "quirky" but not enough to be disabling.

I can actually communicate with allistics quite well. I also enjoy socializing with them, even though sometimes it can be frustrating to talk to people because of the way things are worded.

I don't have a 'strong sense of justice'. I just like rules, possibly because they ease some anxiety.

A lot of my toe walking, t-rex hands, and other 'strange' habits are actually from being nonhuman, not from being autistic.

I stim, but not that frequently. At least, not as much anymore.

I don't have what would technically count as a special interest. I have periods where I get 'obsessed' with a certain thing, but I don't actually fixate on them so much that I'd consider it a special interest, nor a hyperfixation. I just call them 'obsessions'.

I've been told many times before that I'm just masking, but I'm honestly unsure if I am or not. The only masking I'm familiar with is literally breaking yourself mentally in order to fit in, copying others, and it always feels unnatural, hiding immense pain in order to fit in, mimicking facial expressions because your face doesn't naturally make expressions, etc. I only really relate to hiding stuff and hiding things, which felt unnatural, in order to fit in. I don't think I've ever really needed to copy facial expressions.

Allistics literally don't notice anything off about me. They just don't. They think I'm 'weird' but in an endearing and quirky way. Not in a way that would possibly end up with me being bullied, ostracized, infantilized, etc. I don't think they get that 'uncanny valley' feeling with me, either.

I also can sometimes, on occasion, make eye contact. It feels weird and stuff, but I can do it if I force myself enough. I don't find it physically painful like some autistics say, but I do find it physically uncomfortable. It gives me this weird feeling behind my eyes.

But yeah, I just don't think I'm autistic anymore. I'm just a weird allistic individual with quirks, and that's okay. I don't necessarily need help with anything. I feel more disabled by my PMDD than I do whatever my quirks are. My quirks are sometimes annoying, but I don't believe they're disabling.

#autism #asd #misadiagnosed #misdiagnosis #actually diagnosed

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renowned-warrior · 3 months ago

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The Truth about Mental Health and Society

The reality is, that no one cares about mental health until someone goes and commits suicide. It is sad, cynical and tragic, but it’s true. I am just saying out loud what all people suffering from mental health issues are feeling. People only want to be your friend when you are the fluffy version of yourself and the life of the party, but the second times get rough everyone just walks away. The even funnier thing is, they think you don’t notice.

What winds me up the most is people preaching on social media about mental health the second a celebrity commits suicide, posting things such as “don’t suffer alone”, “I am here to talk if you need anything”. “Voice your troubles”, “Be kind” and so on, when the irony is, those people writing these posts are the least kind, least sympathetic, least supportive, the most dismissive of your feelings and often cruel.

The other one is supposed friends sending you fake messages just so that they can tick you off their check list, make themselves feel better by acting like they’ve done their duties and “Checked in with you”. They don’t really listen or care. If they really cared they would arrange a time to meet you or at least pick up the phone. I read a post the other day saying 90% of people don’t care about your troubles and the other 10% are secretly happy you are having them. It’s sad the world we live in, really sad, how we’ve been brought into a world that is masking itself as being so beautiful and caring, but in reality, it is so selfish.

The amount of times I have recently told someone “I am not ok” to have them completely dismiss it with comments such as “I’m glad you’re alright though” is astonishing. I have literally just sent you a whole voice note/text telling you that I am NOT OK. Glad to see you really care! Also, am I the only one that thinks texts are so empty, minimal effort and impersonal? Yes, these are the friends I seem to have. Before you question the type of people, I am surrounding myself with, these are all people that are meant to have been my friends for close to or over a decade. I’ve found in general people don’t want to and don’t know how to deal with bad times and tuff conversations. I don’t get it, as I am always here to support my friends and it doesn’t bother me taking about their problems, I am realist that the world is not always bright. But I’ve found that the majority of the word doesn’t seem to be able to handle this. The truth is that people will turn their back on you when you most need them and least expect it, therefore you just need to be prepared for this and be good enough within yourself to be able to pick yourself up and do things on your own. At times this can be a lot easier said than done.

About a month ago, I had to take the plunge and start taking anti-depressants, which I had avoided taking up until now, as I really didn’t want to be one of the people that “have to take them” and worked hard at taking myself to therapy and working on my own self growth and mental health, but that obviously hasn’t worked for me, as I am still here. Despite knowing the route of my several traumas and attempting to address this, I am still finding this to be a lifelong issue that I am having to cope with. Despite me trying to my best efforts, it has proven to be really difficult to manage on my own. I rejected the antidepressants at first, as when I finally had an appointment with the GP I was on a week of “mania” feeling good again, motivated and high on life, as I mentioned above, I really did not want to have to take them and felt it was pointless taking antidepressants when I was “feeling fine” or so I thought…

Just a few days after my appointment with the GP I had yet another disappointing situation with a friend (more on this later). This sent me down a spiral again and back into a week, which then became about 4 weeks of extreme stress, anxiety and depression. The week of this happening I had to call the GP back and ask for those antidepressants. So then, the commencement of my journey of taking meds for my mental health begins.

They start you on a lower dose to begin with, 25mg of Sertraline. This makes you feel really tired at first, as if you feel overly fatigued and as if you have reached burnt out. I did feel like it was working for a bit, as I started to feel less stressed, depressed, anxious and happier despite the fatigue, but then I felt like it was wearing off or as if I was getting too used to it and was starting to become even more depressed, anxious, A LOT angrier and a lot more irritated by ever little thing.

I am now on the 3rd day of my now “higher dose” of 50mgs of Sertraline, I do admit, for now I am feeling better. But over the last few days of taken my lower dose of 25mg, I was feeling so angry and depressed that you wouldn’t believe it. I was literally snapping at everyone who did the slightest thing to annoy me (more on this later).

To answer your probable questions on what my mental health issues are, the blunt answer is, I still don’t know, as I am yet to be formally diagnosed (This is a very difficult and long-winded process to go through the NHS, I have tried several times before and felt ignored and am now going back to it again. I have been told point blank by the GP that they cannot refer me to see a psychiatrist before I have taken at least 3 months’ worth of anti-depressants) however, after doing my extensive research on mental health and living a full lifetime with my symptoms, I am certain that I suffer with Depressing, several forms of Anxiety and CPTSD, and with a probable combination of either Borderline Personality Disorder (which is often mistaken for Bipolar), Bipolar Disorder or Unipolar (which one of these is yet to be diagnosed), along with possible a form of ADHD and mild OCD (more on this later). The fact that I have gone through 3 decades of my life struggling with all of this without taking any medication for this up until now is amazing, but the fact that my mental health and traumas have been so downplayed and ignored by both healthcare professionals and my friends is insane.

I am on a journey to diagnose which of these disorders or illnesses I have so I can get the right treatment for this. I am trying to keep as up to date as possible with this blog/mental health journal so I can heal myself as well as help other through my experiences.

Stay blessed,

The Renowned Warrior

#mental health #mental wellbeing #mental heath support #strugglingwithdepressions #depression #mentalheathawareness

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deeppearldiver · 5 months ago

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6.24.24

It's been a long time since I posted on this blog; I know no ones looking but this stands as another commitment I made to myself shattered. Since I've last posted I've enrolled in early college, missed the last 3 weeks of school, and found out my mother was bipolar. More has happened, but I can't seem to remember much else.

I'm excited for early college, though I'm nervous for the workload. As for the other 2 major events, my mother had an episode(?) in which she felt like she was going to be killed. She walked into my room on a Sunday morning and told me someone was trying to kill her and we were leaving. The night before she lied to me, saying she was going out to get Afghan food, she asked if I wanted to come. I said no. She was gone for a couple hours, I got a bit worried and checked her location. She was at the airport, I, like an idiot, gave her the benefit of the doubt, assuming that there was a restaurant in the airport. I got a bit suspicious when they didn't bring any leftovers, and my siblings all rummaged through the fridge looking for something to eat. But again, benefit of the doubt. Maybe the portions were small, or the food was expensive, or they didn't like it. Then I woke up the next morning. I cried, begged, and screamed; she didn't care. She took my phone, saying that it was being tracked. I begged her to give it back, she said she would after I packed, so I did, then she said it was on the bookshelf, I couldn't find it, then she said she'd bring it to the airport. I swore would never trust her again if she didn't, and that's something I'm sticking too. When we got to the airport, all of the sudden, she mentioned she forgot, I didn't think that I could manage to be mad while I felt so helpless, yet I'd never been angrier. It was the phone, but also the fact that she kept lying, she didn't care about me, how I would feel, how it would affect me. She told the lady at the service desk I was mad because she forgot my phone, which was only a part of it, she took me out of the country and out of my school because of her feelings, not thinking about mine, or my siblings. The old ady looked at me and told me to forgive her, I didn't say anything, I should've, maybe if I told her what was going on she could've saved me. I'll never know, because I stood there. I cried in the airport, and the whole ride there, I was so helpless, she didn't care. Then we touch down in London, and she embarrased me in front of my family, she made it harder than it already was, just to stick it to me. My family asks if she'd been taking her medication, I didn't even know she was sick. I spent my whole life feeling like my mom and I's horrible relationship was my fault, that I was wrong or bad, and my family supported that narrative. Then all of a sudden, she's at their doorstep, and they get to know what it's like to be me for a second, and now she's sick? She wasn't sick when she stalked me on the playground, or beat me, or invaded my privacy, or made fun of me in front of everyone, or forced me to stay behind while my famiiy went out and had fun when I was just a kid, or kicked me out, or laughed at me when I said I felt suicidal and told my brothers so she could seem like the victim or made me feel hated and unloved and horrible. but she yells at them for 2 seconds and shes sick. Maybe I'm making this about me, maybe I'm being childish or immature, and not been sensitive to her illness. But I don't care, I spent my whole life caring, and it did nothing for me, because thought I always loved her, and cared about her, she's never cared about me, or loved me, not in the way she should've, not in the way I needed her too. I never told her, because I didn't want to hurt her. but when I was depressed and suicidal, it wasn't because of quarantine, it was because of her. I tried to kill myself after a fight with her, because I knew then things would never be better. I was right.

this is only half of the story but I'm crying and tired,

goodnight diary.

#vent post #personal diary #personal vent

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nolawritesfanfics-deactive · 3 years ago

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hello~ i dont usually request hc but can i ask for xiao, ganyu, and childe taking care of a depressive s/o? ( ･ั﹏･ั) specially someone who bottles up their emotions and ends up crying a lot when they can't bear it any longer? (｡ﾉω＼｡)

thank you sm btw<3

Hello!! Ofc! I’ve been meaning to write some comfort recently, but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet 😅 I hope that your day is going alright!

-//• just a quick note though- I made the reader someone who bottles up their emotions instead of making them depressive- I don’t have depression myself, and I was worried that this wouldn’t be accurate to the actual thing! (^v^) •\\-

(Also, I hope that you’re doing okay- if you’re going through depression or having a hard time with your mental health, please talk to someone you’re close to. I can also look up some resources if you’d like! Please take care of yourself! 💕)

Pairings: Ganyu x Gn!reader, Xiao x Gn!reader, Childe x Gn!reader

Genre: Comfort, fluff, light angst, anxiety attack

Warnings: mean people, mentions of injury, self neglect

Let me know if there are any mistakes!

{_%..} How Ganyu, Xiao, and Childe would comfort their (S/o) who bottles up their emotions

Ganyu worries about you constantly. This word is cruel, and she’s always surprised when you come home with a smile on your face.

However, she would notice if you needed to cry. If you had already been dating for a while, she would have all the changes in your attitude memorized. The dull look in your eyes, the slight quiver of your voice- all of it meant that you had finally cracked.

When you burst into tears, Ganyu rushes towards you, enveloping you in her warm embrace. She always panics for a second when you start crying, but she knows that it’s best to stay quiet and give you physical comfort instead of verbal reassurance.

After you calm down, Ganyu asks if you need anything. Food, water, blankets- anything you request, she’ll find and deliver to you. If you need to be alone for a while, she’ll completely understand as well.

If not, she’ll snuggle up to you and watch over you until you feel better.

Today was awful.

Nothing had gone right, and nearly everyone you had encountered today had been rude, or just overall persistent and annoying. Not to mention the piles of paperwork that the Adventurer’s Guild kept piling on you every time you walked by their booth, due to their lack of members.

Your commissions had gone horribly, given the fact that your teammates bailed on you halfway through the first one, leaving you to do everything by yourself. You had gotten heavily injured, so you went to Liyue’s pharmacy to get some ointment. However, you got yelled at by the shopkeeper who told you to clean yourself up before coming inside.

You chose to send yourself into overdrive every night, trying to finish everything that needed to be done so that you could finally rest. But that moment never came. Your coworkers and friends kept forcing you to handle their issues, which weren’t any of your business, but you didn’t have the heart to tell them off.

So, you merely smiled and complied, trying to ignore the ocean of rage and despair building up inside of your chest. Every single day was like this, and you were getting exhausted- both physically and mentally. But you swore to yourself that you wouldn’t burden anyone with your issues, even if they burdened you with theirs.

For some reason, you felt that it wouldn’t be fair to them.

Over time, the jobs you were entrusted with became unbearable. This resulted in major negative changes in your appearance and attitude. Your voice would shake every now and then, your eyes were dull, and you weren’t as bubbly as you usually were. No one noticed though, so your vicious cycle of self destruction continued.

But that was until Ganyu came home from work.

You had been sitting at your desk, working on some forms that the Adventurers Guild had given you, when you heard the front door close. A sweet voice rang throughout your house- the same voice that belonged to your beloved. You hadn’t seen her in almost a week, since Osial had caused more damage than Ningguang had expected, which meant that everyone had to work overtime.

“(Y/n), I’m home! I’m sorry I haven’t been home in a while, things have been really busy.” Ganyu called as she walked over to you.

You perked up at the sound of her voice, quickly turning to face her as she stepped into your room. Concern washed over her features when she saw you, her mind instantly analyzing your weakened state. Your entire demeanor had shifted. Slowly, Ganyu walked towards you and placed her hands on your cheeks.

“Hey… are you okay?” She whispered, staring directly into your eyes. You nodded sadly, a melancholic smile made its way to your lips. The half-Adeptus leaned forward and wrapped her arms around your body. One of her hands carded through your hair, while the other rested on your back. From the looks of it, you had been overworking yourself for far too long.

Heavy sighs escaped your throat as tears started pooling in your eyes. Pain filled your chest while you cried into the crook of Ganyu’s neck. Soon enough, loud, carnal sobs were rumbling through your chest, every molecule of air leaving your lungs in the process. Her hold on you tightened, and sheer pain reflected in her eyes.

You sank to the floor, pulling your lover down with you. Ganyu pulled you onto her lap, rocking you back and forth until she could only hear sniffles from you. Comfort and love filled your chest, replacing most of the pain that was previously there. Even though some of your pain still lingered, things felt more bearable when you were with the one you loved the most.

You were practically limp in your beloved’s arms, emotionally spent. Your eyes stung from how much you had wiped them, and you felt as if you had been hit in the head with a giant rock. Ganyu moved back to look at you once more. Her eyes bored into you, prying the truth out from under your skin, bit by bit.

“What happened, love?” She asked, “We can talk about it if you would like to.”

You laid your head on her chest, sighing. The past few weeks had been awful, but you were far too exhausted to explain everything right now. “I’ll tell you in a bit...” A yawn interrupted your sentence halfway through. “I’m just- everything is just so exhausting.”

“You don’t have to tell me at all if you don’t want to.” She mumbled, kissing your head. “Let’s just sleep and cuddle tonight, does that sound okay?” You hummed, nodding your head as you snaked your arms around her waist. She chuckled at your actions, petting your head before picking you up and carrying you to your shared bedroom.

Then, Ganyu silently promised that, if she thought that you were having any kind of trouble, she would be there to help you. Not just today, but every moment in the future as well.

Xiao hates seeing you sad. Not only does it cause panic for him, but it also breaks his heart that pain could ever reach his favorite person. Out of everyone that he’s seen suffer, watching you fall into despair hurts the most.

He can always tell if you’re hiding something. He knows your mannerisms as well as he knows Liyue- which is very, very well.

The minute he sees any sadness on your face, he’ll gently slip his hand into yours, and intertwine your fingers. If you need to cry, it’s okay to. Even though Xiao is emotionally closed off, that doesn’t mean that he wants you to bottle up your feelings.

He’ll do whatever helps you. He’s not very reliable in terms of physical contact, but he’ll comply with whatever you want him to do nonetheless! He can’t promise that he can give you much, but the next time he goes out, he’ll return with a single Qingxin flower for you as comfort.

You felt like you had a blockage inside of your soul. Whenever you tried to rant and get something off of your chest, it never really felt like you were ranting. Words would fall out of your mouth, but you couldn’t feel anything. You just felt neutral all the time. People always asked you how you were calm about everything- how you kept smiling after every painful blow.

However, those smiles were empty actions- a mere facade to hide behind. In reality, you felt close to nothing, aside from the dull pain growing in your stomach. It was a kind of pain that kept lingering and building up with every day that passed. The world seemed so gray to you, every corner of your vision being lined with dull colors.

With every fight, with every monster that you eliminated, that pain grew. Every time you tried to eat, that pain would return, bringing nausea along with it. You didn’t know how to stop it, or why you felt so sad all the time. So, you worked until you couldn’t stay focused anymore. You tried to distract yourself from that sickening feeling, no matter the consequences.

People’s pity only made you more worried, and no one’s comfort could help so far. They constantly asked if you were okay- given the fact that you looked like you hadn’t slept in eight years, but you just smiled and continued on with your day. It was quite ironic how people asked that, yet pressured you into accepting commissions every chance they got.

At this point, you just wanted to sleep. No, no- you just wanted to let yourself cry. Every time you were on the verge of tears, you would imagine Xiao rubbing your back as you cried. You would get so lost in your own thoughts that your feelings would disappear as quickly as they came. You knew that you could call for him, but you knew he was out protecting Liyue, so you decided not to bother him.

Xiao visited you during the day, of course- helping you with any work that came up, offering you small kisses if you wanted them. Occasionally, he asked if you were alright. He didn’t pry too much, which was a big difference from the other people you had come across, and he let you choose whether or not you wished to tell him about your troubles.

But that might have been a mistake.

You were on the verge of crying again. Almost every day this week, you had forced your tears back, shoving every sob that came back down your throat. You couldn’t do it tonight. Not again. You were practically praying the archons you let you hold it in, to let you be strong- but even the Raiden Shogun knew that bottling up your emotions wasn’t strength. It was nothing more than destructive.

You clawed at the bedsheets, heaving into the cold night air. Tears streamed down either side of your face as the dam of emotions you had been holding finally broke. Everything felt so suffocating, and the darkness started to swallow you whole. You wanted comfort, you wanted to feel him again, but you couldn’t be selfish like that.

But why?

Why do you feel this way?

Isn’t it his job to help you?

You were shaking horribly, desperately trying to breathe, shaky sobs tearing from your lungs. Panic was coursing through your veins, rendering your limb useless. With the final moment you had before you completely broke down, you whimpered out the name you had been longing to say for weeks.

“X- Xiao…!”

A gust of wind blew through your hair as sparks of turquoise and green filled the room. You looked down at the Adeptus, who knelt before you on the floor. Agitation was practically written on his face. He stood up and grabbed your wrist, gently kissing your palm. A pang of anxiety hit him from seeing you so distraught.

“I knew something was wrong.” He whispered, “You shouldn’t keep these things to yourself, you know. I’m here for you.”

You reached out to hug him as he sat down next to you, to which he complied, squeezing you as you sobbed into his chest. It wasn’t like Xiao to show affection so easily, but in cases like these, he knew that he shouldn’t resist. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to, anyways. All he wanted was to see you smile again.

He hummed an old ballad into your hair as your tears soaked into his clothing. He could feel your sporadic heartbeat against his body, fast and loud in contrast to the calm beating in his chest. His eyebrows were furrowed as the familiar feeling of fear settled into his system. How long had you been holding this in? And why? Did you not trust him enough to comfort you?

Hours passed, and Xiao let those questions go unanswered. He let you stay with him, trying to comfort you in the best way possible. However, you had grown completely silent, and the only thing he could hear from you was soft breathing.

“(Y/n)?” He asked, looking down at your face.

You were out cold. He smiled as you nuzzled into his side- you could be so childish sometimes, he thought. Xiao leaned up against the wall, keeping you on his stomach. Soon enough, he started drifting off, his ideals for the Adepti flying out the window. Before he fell asleep, he stared at your sleeping face once more. Butterflies exploded in his stomach, causing him to scoff.

Oh, the things you do to him.

Childe doesn’t panic when you cry. Sure, he hates seeing you sad, but he’s had plenty of experience with his siblings, since it wasn’t uncommon for them to start crying randomly. So, he’ll try to do things that have helped his siblings.

He’ll test and observe with you- he’ll try verbal reassurance, physical comfort, food, whatever makes you happy. Childe often wishes that he could make things better for you, that he could help you stay happy- but he knows that can’t be the case all the time.

He still wants to try though! However, if you ask him to, he’ll just sit there with you in his arms, talking about nice memories of his siblings. You've told him that you liked his voice long before this, yet you never fail to remind him every day. Besides, what could be better than the comforting voice of the person you love the most?

At the end of the day, Childe will voluntarily drop everything for you if you’re sad- no matter what it is.

You felt cold. Everything felt so cold.

The lingering feeling of panic was like ice to you- every frost bitten chain wrapping around your nerves until you had no choice but to succumb to its empty threats. The threats that told you that you were worthless, the threats that stabbed your heart over and over again with icy feelings of solitude.

The sunny streets of Liyue seemed barren sometimes, and the people around you seemed faceless, all of them seeming to lack personality. None of them looked at you, none of them noticed you. Reality wasn’t like the dreams of joy and unity that flooded your mind every night- no, it was much harsher. You felt so alone, even when you were living in a city brimming with people.

It always got like this when you were stressed out. All of the colors would drain from your vision, and you would be forced to live in the cold until you couldn’t take it anymore. And every time was worse than the last. Every time you were overloaded with work, or were just having a bad day, your mind would start catastrophizing every little thing.

The colored lenses clouding your vision would shatter, and the cold would come rushing back to you. You couldn’t get comfort either because Childe was never home, due to his business with the Fatui. This only made you worry more.

You didn’t want him to get hurt, and you didn’t want to become a hindrance to him- it was against your morals to ask for assistance. You wished that these feelings would just dissipate, instead of needing comfort to get rid of them. That aspect only prolonged your suffering.

Today was just like the others, except you finally broke.

This afternoon, you chose to walk around Liyue for a bit. You were starting to feel stuffy from being inside all day, so you thought that you would get some groceries and food to make for dinner. You dragged yourself out of your room, and sluggishly walked to your front door. As soon as the light hit your face, you flinched, siding yourself from the light.

You collected yourself and continued walking down the street. It was unusually calm today, which was baffling, given the fact that the city of contracts was one of the most tourist-filled places in Teyvat. You clasped your hands together, taking in how cold they were. Everything felt so empty when you were outside.

People passed by you, but you were too lost in your own mind to notice. Your eyes were glued to the cement beneath your feet, and you felt like you were having a fever dream. You continued mindlessly walking until you bumped into someone. The haze cleared from your mind as the scent of Eucalyptus filled your nose.

Your gaze snapped upwards, finally registering who you had bumped into. Ah, Zhongli.

“A-ah, Zhongli! I’m sorry about that, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” You apologized, frantically waving your hands around. The Archon looked at you, a gentle smile forming on his lips. He reached forward to brush your shoulders off before folding his hands behind his back once more.

“It’s quite alright.” He reassured you. “Are you excited to see Childe? I know things have been trying without him.”

You tilted your head in confusion- … wasn’t Childe supposed to come home in three days? Why would he come home so early? Thoughts flooded into your brain at Zhongli’s question, the confusion and slight panic shining behind your eyes. The man in front of you coughed to grab your attention.

“It seems you haven’t heard yet. A few Harbingers are coming to Liyue to handle some… negotiations. I thought you might want to catch him at some point.” He explained. Fear was coursing through your veins at this point- negotiations? What danger had the Eleventh Harbinger gotten himself into this time?

Nodding, you thanked Zhongli and sprinted back home. It was getting harder to breathe by the second as the icy chains of worry trapped you once again. You let out loud puffs of air as you slammed the door to your house. You raced to your room, trying to shove down the pain in your chest- trying to fight the cold.

Hours passed, and the sun had finally set. Every corner of your room was now dark, which didn’t help you at all. There you sat, on the bed, cheeks flushed and wet with tears. You were sobbing, begging for anyone to hear you. You wanted to be dragged out of the darkness. You wanted help.

You entangled your hands in your hair, and tugged gently, trying to ground yourself with the pain. You hurriedly wiped your eyes, moving to squeeze the blankets as if it were a person, when you felt two arms wrap around you. Through your tears, you caught glimpses of Childe, who’s condition was completely fine.

“Darling, what's wrong?” Childe asked, ushering you to his chest. He snaked a hand around your waist, and cradled the back of your head with the other. “How long have you been like this?”

More sobs vibrated through your body, as you babbled out strings of incomprehensible words that were meant to be sentences. Nausea started to build up in your stomach from the lack of air, causing you to fall into a coughing fit. Childe placed his hand on your chest, trying to help even out your breathing.

“Can you try to breathe for me, love?” He asked, smiling when you nodded and tried to calm down for him. You placed your hand over his and took a deep breath in. Soon enough, you had stopped sobbing, tiny whimpers being the only noise coming from you.

“There we go… that’s it.” Childe praised, trying to reassure you with his words. “You did so well for me….” He mumbled into your hair, kissing the top of your head with a kind of softness that he only used with you. You both let out sighs of relief as you sunk into each other’s presence.

“I missed you.” You said, “I was just stressed out… I’m sorry for crying all over you.”

Childe chuckled at your apology, hands running over your back. He truly didn’t deserve a person as good as you. You never failed to keep him warm. “No need to be sorry, I apologize for being gone for so long. I managed to come home early though!”

You laughed back at him, joy bursting from each giggle, despite the tears still running down the sides of your face. “Thank you for that- I’m glad you're alright!” Childe hugged you even harder, and shifted into a lying position so that you were on top of him.

The Eleventh Harbinger’s scent was so calming- so familiar. The warmth that emanated from his skin had the power to melt the lonely fields of ice surrounding you. You stayed like that for a few minutes, the silence becoming bliss to both of you. Then, you asked a question that he wasn’t expecting in a situation like this.

“Childe, can you tell me about your siblings?” You sighed, “I like the sound of your voice.”

Immediately, the man below you started grinning like an idiot. He was surprised by your request, but was happy to tell you some stories from his past. Not only that, but he had no idea that you like his voice so much. A small giggle escaped his throat at the compliment you gave him. He looked down at you, love glimmering in both of your eyes.

“Of course, my love. Anything for you.”

The rest of the night was spent talking about Tuecer and Tonia, along with whatever else came to your minds. And slowly, some of the ice began to melt.

#ganyu x y/n #ganyu x you #ganyu x reader #genshinimpact #genshin x reader #self insert #reader insert #x reader #genshin impact x reader #xiao x y/n #xiao x you #xiao x reader #childe x y/n #childe x you #childe x reader #ajax x y/n #ajax x you #ajax x reader #tartagalia x reader

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madfantasy · 2 years ago

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Dear Blogging

Hope ur doing well🍀

When I realise my updates are futher apart in time, it makes me sad. I don't have much new to say, I am in the same trance following no time yet feeling every passing second. In progress that I can't feel because of how much I'm used to pain and nothingness. I am okay, finally had the brain power to make words today, the last months were exceptionally difficult as I mentioned the unrelenting near 50° heat. And for the majority of that time I spent it without any means to cool off, which periodically made me sick and kept me in bed too long. Even more bits of my teeth broke off, rendering me unable to smile or eat without jolts of pain. My unstable network provider topping off the misery.

Since I moved to my "sunny room" I couldn't use the net I waste money on for because of the weak signal, so I had not much sources of distractions or solace. Nothing separating me from the continuous good old times; living in absolute isolation. I don't think I have online connections anymore and wouldn't blame anyone for forgetting me. I'm sorry, I feel absolutely disconnected, I don't know what I want or what to do or how to dare be involved. And in all honesty, I am functioning on 1% energy spent on drawing..

I was trying to have a goal to compete that, to keep my faith up and have hope and project it. Wanting a red and black room was one, but I gave up on it because I didn't have enough work to afford it, and really the experience of buying stuff online only to find the advertised color was a lie, specially if its red was a huge waste of time and money. And my guardians fed up with me asking them to return things, ungraciously. I liked my room eventually

After prolonged periods of depression, I found myself longing for my traditional art, flicking through my old diary. I craved to return able to draw on paper again, and the few times I tried, memories, good and bad gushed through. Relived again how it was to draw in secret and to love things you are constantly told are not for you or called it not natural and be punished severely for.. just made me cry over how culture always just hurt for the sake of hurting and uses religion as a loose cape, mourning them using it to exclude while it was something aimed to be harmonious with all and they never focus on being actual good people over keeping appearances.. for the longest time making me wonder if something was actually wrong with me beyond just being different than them.. now there's plethora of mental things thanks to their abuse. Starting with my inability to look at people without feeling quick to panic discomfort. Making me see this isolation as they say, a "blessing in disguise ". I don't know how to take that as, tbh, I still to this day get nightmares of when I used to live in big houses with multiple families, or the endless schools I went to.

I started drawing on paper bit by bit. The minute I find myself overwhelmed I stop. With time I felt I can enjoy it again, and recalled all what passer through my mind as kid, how I fantasised of owning the chunkiest coloring tin or the thickest drawing paper. So decided to get sketchbooks and notebooks and try everything new, I didn't care

I didn't know where to start, so I got randomly selected sketchbook and one lockable journal, so I can hopefully write diary again like i used to. I show everything i get to them but already Guardians couldn't help themselves and flick though it, I didn't say anything but my inside automatically clinched and turned into an angry imp snatching to have it back, like i used to actually react when they searched my school things for doodles.

I changed the lock c:

I learned of the existence of more mechanical pencil sizes so I got every possible one, carefully not breaking my law of owning only red and black things, hehe. Also some essentials so my guardians won't comment on my spending ways. Like a tooth brush, and the best bonnet ever. I also got myself a backpack for my pen people to live in, for the longest time I wanted a shark backpack but this one just screamed Mani (it was cheaper 😝). As kid I had a red bag with snoopy's face on it, it was my literal safe zone that I carried it everywhere, pretended to travel in cardboard boxes with and had many garbage things stored in it that ment something dear to me, already that blissful feeling is regenerated when i wore it. And hopefully next month I get work to buy colors..

I got my eyes on those atm

(Also something funny, I can promise you I got the talk about devil worship from them for getting horns, and here's the thing; they know about the actual sketchy devil worship practices, its a common knowledge in our surroundings. To me, having red horns it felt Mani like, style euphoria, I love being a polite naughty gentlethem and that spoke of it clearly to me so I didn't care too much)

I also in my careless defiance rush, bought a shoulder- abaya that resembles more of a cloak, to me at least. To help dim my dysphoria even for the tiniest bit and maybe give me one point of courage to want to go out when possible. 'Cause the only thought i have when I'm out is absolute fear, or brain blanking out on me and i freeze in my place

I was stressed for so long that they might fight me on it because they never allowed me to wear but the cover ups of their choice from the dark ages, one I could not walk in or see where I was headed in (i actually wear glasses to see), but I presented it to them and I don't think they noticed.

Maybe now i can feel comfortable in it, throughout the years I never really adjusted to wearing it— having almost no occasion to leave the house 3/4 of my life. It was never something i felt connected to, been only a reminder of pure shame and embarrassment. From the very first day I started to cover my face at middle school, was forced to do that the day before, non of my guardians taught me how to wear it. And the minute it fell from my face thanks to my clumsy attempts at tying it, my face was welcomed with— not the fresh air and 4k sight clarity, but a slap that knocked me back into the car. Followed by an entire hysterical berating, calling me a sl*t and what have you, for everyone who was dropping their kids to see and hear.

I didnt know it at the time, but i was also mocked of how I wore it many times by my peers, while some took petty on me and dressed me themselves. I merely envied those foreign students who wore it just to follow the school rules and offed it the minute they got into their cars to leave. I still have no answer to what I truly want, and thats okay..

I forgot to mention how they can be super pricy, so I got the cheapest I could, resulting it being thick, strings jutting everywhere, way too big on me and all of its buttons fell. So I had to do some long hem shortenings and buttons sewing, I think I started to like it

I now just need someone to hold my hand and never let go, to take me to the hospital and hypothetically be my voice till mine return... manifesting

Oh and i did drew alot of snarry cuz it was my only cure during this time of dissociative routine, ofc endless of sketches that did not make it and 2 did, and still more to come hopefully when I continue to feel better

I wish you all the best in this world my dears, your burdens ease and your heart beats with your desires met , mani loves you ❤️‍🔥🍀🕊🙏

24.6.2022

#text #drawing journal

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bakubros-boo-thang · 3 years ago

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Disrespected Devil

Wordcount: -4K

Lucifer x F!Reader

Summary: When you disrespect the demon king, Lucifer is forced to say goodbye to you.

Genre: Angst, smutt, slight fluff, but tbh just angst

A/N: So another first. Not only my first time writing for the Obey me fandom (I have a major Obey me brain rot), but also my first time writing angst and I felt depressed after finishing this (which I did a second ago). I love Diavolo, but I needed a reason for the goodbye to happen so even if his dad is the villain, he is the one to execute it... Hope you enjoy this story.

Warning: NSFW, mentioning of being paralyzed I guess.

��’What’s with Luci today?’’ ‘’He looks more pissed of than usual…’’ ‘’He probably listened to classical music too long and forgot his homework.’’ ‘’Lucifer forgetting his homework will never happen, but if it did he would look like this.’’ Hearing all those whispers during dinner time is nothing new for you. Tonight is different though. You know why he’s mad and you know who’s the blame. But it’s not as if you don’t have a reason to be just as upset. As dinner slowly ends you know there is only a small gap to avoid a situation. ‘’Beel, how about we go bake something for later this evening?’’ You say, as you cling onto the huge redhead. You know that food is a trigger and you know that this is the way to hide from HIM. ‘’Alright, sounds delicious!’’ He doesn’t seem to notice the way you hold onto him for dear life and the same goes for the others. Clearly, they’ve gotten so used to you that it’s not even necessary to be by your side 24/7. It’s not as if they know tonight will be the last time they see you. It’s a small moment of weakness and you feel your heart clench by the thought of leaving those boys. It’s enough to make you lose your grip on Beel's arm. Enough to bend over, because it physically hurts to leave them behind and enough for Lucifer to finally notice you and come to your aid. ‘’Beel, I think she ate something wrong. No cake tonight, I will see her to her room.’’

And with that, he scoops you up and takes you upstairs. Of course, your room is not an option. It’s way too close to the other rooms. No place to yell. No, Lucifer’s room is soundproof. Made for his nights spent with loud classical music and also made for the occasional screaming match with one of his brothers. As he enters the room, he carefully puts you down on his bed. ‘’Are you feeling alright, Y/n?’’ He says as he lays his palm against your forehead. The feeling of sadness is gone, already replaced by nerves. You know what’s coming. You know you won’t hold back. Will this be your last fight with Lucifer? The question never makes it to the surface, because the moment you nod your head in ensurement, Lucifer opens his mouth. ‘’Good, because you have no idea how foolish you acted today.’’ As mentioned before this room reminds you of the occasional screaming matches he must’ve had with his brothers, but never with you. Pissing Lucifer off is easy. You’ve done that plenty of times. Even made him show his true form, but making him scream, that is something you never achieved. Still, it is worth the try. Tonight is your last chance. As you get up you take a look at his face. What faces you is the cold expression he usually shows when he’s done with someone’s bullshit. The expression you have already mirrored back to him. ‘’So you are going to ignore me?’’ I’m not going to answer him. ‘’Are you serious?’’ I am not going to say a word. ‘’Should I spell out what you did?’’ Don’t say a thing. ‘’You just signed your death certificate.’’ His voice cracks and even though it’s far from the scream you aimed for. It’s still the first sign of emotion from the man you care about so much. ‘’Diavolo didn’t seem upset by what I said?!’’ You can’t help but talk louder. especially after being silent for the past few minutes. ‘’ As if he is going to kill me? ME?! And ruin the bonds that are being formed with the humans?’’

You can feel the tears in your eyes, this fight might’ve been about you being disrespectful in some way, but for you it was different. All this time getting closer with all the brothers. All this time loving them. All this time being there for them. It made you realize that the only one who made it difficult was him. With every step getting closer to each other; there were always a few steps back. An obsession with keeping up appearance, an obsession over a promise he would keep no matter what, an obsession with being a stuck-up asshole; That was Lucifer in a nutshell for you. And still, you couldn’t help being drawn to him. As a moth drawn to a flame. Even when the flame could easily kill the moth. Just as easily Lucifer could kill you. And it’s not as if he hadn’t tried that before. ‘’Y/n, You disrespected his father. I had to bargain for you to even leave the castle. The first time I trusted you enough to take you with me alone. And this is how you behave? You know what he wanted to do to Belphegor…’’ You know this story is his weakness. The reason he ended up becoming the lapdog of his so-called best friend. Still, it only makes you more upset to hear him say it. Even when you can hear the slightest hint of emotion in his voice; his eyes stay just as cold as usual. ‘’He is your best friend, isn’t he? He is my friend too, right? You always do this Lucifer! You always get mad over things and it never solves anything. You get mad at me for having fun. You get mad at me for trying to help. You get mad at me for trying to get closer to you. You don’t share things with me! Maybe Diavolo should’ve locked me up. Might as well get myself killed; it’s not as if you never tried to kill me…’’ Your voice is loud as you speak, but his silence is louder. He just stares at you and then it happens.

It’s not that you’re scared you’ve seen his true form before. It’s just as beautiful as him, but it’s also something that happens when he’s full of rage, just as that one time he tried to kill you. You can feel yourself freeze under his gaze. You can feel yourself moving away from him until you reach the headboard of his bed. Still, he moves closer. Until his lips are inches away from your ears. No screams, only whispers; what a way to say goodbye. ‘’DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON?!’’ You are so shocked by the volume of his voice, the bass it carries, that it takes some time to realize he has more to say. Your ear is beeping as he moves his lips away and locks his gaze onto you. ‘’DIAVOLO IS NOT THE FUCKING PROBLEM, Y/N, HIS DAD IS. YOU INSULTED THE KING OF DEVILDOM IN FRONT OF HIS SON AND MULTIPLE WITNESSES. DIAVOLO CAN’T DO SHIT ABOUT THAT.’’ Only now do you notice the way his hands are gripping your arms; The way his expression has changed from cold to almost desperate. ‘’That guy has only been able to do what his dad wanted. Our friendship is real, but if his father told him to kill me, he would do it without hesitation. Do you really think he would think twice about killing you? IF HE WOULD KILL ME -HIS BEST FRIEND- IN AN INSTANT?” You notice the tears in his eyes. Lucifer is screaming and crying, but this isn’t a win. Before your heart breaks again, his arms are around you and his face is hidden in your neck, but that doesn’t stop the words. ‘’I had to send you away. I had to be cold. They know I care about you, but not to this extent. I had to pretend it was for the sake of the bonds. After you left I had to beg on my knees for your survival. I had to beg. The avatar of pride begged someone on his knees. It was all Lillith over again…’’

There is nothing you can say to fix this. It might’ve slipped your mind while you were there. But you were surrounded by royalty. What might’ve seemed innocent for you, was clearly a lot for them and now you had to leave everyone you loved behind. You can feel the tears fall from your eyes. “I’m sorry Luci, I truly am.” It won’t help, but it’s the least you can say as you look up into his eyes. He is still in his true form, but even with his wings all spread out, he has never looked more vulnerable. There is a sad smile on his lips as he caresses your cheek. “I know you are, you fool.” He says with no trace of the rage he had before. “ I don't want to leave you all…I don't want to leave you!” You know that you sound like a small child that already knows he lost and that’s exactly what you feel like. “It’s too late for that now, Y/n. Diavolo gave me tonight to say my goodbyes.” You try to distract yourself by focusing on his raven colored wings. “So that means I can’t say goodbye to the rest…” The pain is back. Never being a fool with Mammon, never dressing up with Levi, doing make-up with Asmo, reading books with Satan, eating with Beel or sleeping with Belphie. You can’t help but grab your chest again. “Are you okay?” Lucifer is supporting you within seconds as he asks the question. “No I’m not, but atleast I get to say goodbye to you.” And as you look up he leans in and gives you a tiny peck on the lips. “I’ve wanted to do that for quite some time.” He lets out. You can’t help but smile as you pull him back towards you. “Let's make it a proper goodbye then.” You whisper as you pull him back to your lips.

It’s not like it’s your first kiss with Lucifer, but it’s the last and that’s what makes it so much more special. It’s the combination of mutual sadness and desperation, the hint of rage still brewing somewhere deep inside the both of you. He knows your body, the way it will arch when he pushes you all the way down onto the bed. The tiny gasps when he starts kissing your neck. The way you look away when he starts kissing all the way down your body. ‘’Please keep looking at me, dear. I want you to see how much I am going to miss you.’’ It’s enough to make your heart flutter, the way he starts to attack your core with his tongue right away. It’s obvious he is in a hurry, but even with all the sadness, it’s the best way there is. You can’t help your moans; You’re lucky his room is soundproof. He’s fast, maybe too fast, but with everything that’s going on, it’s the best you can get. And that’s what it is. The best, because within a few minutes you can feel yourself starting to reach that point. The knot in your stomach tightens. your hands end up in his hair and with one loud moan, you erupt around him.

‘’I know that Mammon claims he was your first… in multiple ways… and not to discredit my brother, but I intend to be your last in all of them.’’ He says as he looks at you while he licks his lips. Him saying those words, the way he just made you lose your mind. It feels good, after all the fighting, teasing, kisses and losses , you’re with the man you love. You don’t want to ruin the mood. You’re really trying, but the moment you hear yourself thinking about loving him, about leaving him, about leaving his brothers, you just break. The tears start to form in your eyes and as you try to wipe them away you feel something on your arms. Lucifer. His eyes are cold again as he moves up to face you. ‘’Don’t hide your tears. I am just as sad.’’ He takes a long look at you, lets out a sign, and lays next to you as he caresses your back. ‘’I don’t want to play the ‘’Who has it worse’’ game, truly, I don’t want to, but in all the years I’ve been in heaven and hell, you’re the first human to have ever make my blood boil. Both from nerves and anger nonetheless, but losing you. Losing the one that made my family whole, the one that makes me feel all these emotions, the one that I love, hurts.’’ You can’t help but raise your brow. when he notices your expression he lets out a laugh.

You feel his hand grab your chin and suddenly your lips are only inches apart. ‘’I know you love me, Y/n. I’ve always known. Falling for you, was what surprised me.’’ You can’t help, but roll your eyes at him. Trying to ignore the way his hand feels on your back. The way it slowly moves it’s way to your hips. ‘’You know I do love all your brothers quite a lot too…’’ You say with all the confidence you have left. ‘’I know you do, but still I am the one that has you laying here. Practically begging for more.’’ He let’s out a chuckle as he pulls you closer. ‘’Let’s end this conversation, there’s not enough time.’’ And with that he’s on top of you. You know there isn’t much time, but when he starts to unbotton his shirt it’s as if time slows down. Of course he notices your looks and can’t help to give you a sly smirk. ‘’Don’t worry your next.’’ Is all he says as he takes his shirt off and starts tugging on yours. After your shirt is taken off he takes a look at your body and all you see is adoration on his face. ‘’I want to see all of you.’’ It makes your body flutter. ‘’You’re absolutely breathtaking.’’ He whispers. All this praise makes you feel weak. You try to grab his face, but as you put your arms up they fall down. You feel weak. Not because of his words, but something else. You see Lucifers expression change, the adorations is switched to concern, then back to concentration and before you know it he scoops you in his arms and makes you straddle him.

He’s looking at you, but not really. Obviously talking to himself. ‘’He wanted to be sure…’’ And as he says it he’s back. Back to giving you a sad smile. ‘’What’s going on?’’ Is all you let out. Is all you can let out, as you feel your body weighing more and more. He notices you getting weaker, making sure your settled between him and the headboard of the bed, before he speaks again. ‘’I think it’s time… Barbatos must’ve cast a spell… something that gave us a time limit. The probably knew it would be hard saying my goodbyes to you. Now I’m forced to make haste, just to make sure you’re safe.’’ You can’t even respond. You can move, but barely and all you can do is watch as Lucifer grabs his shirt. As he moves away from you, you’re sure of it. No this is not the way we’re going to say our goodbyes. It needs to be on our terms. Of course those words never leave your lips, but with all the power you have you reach out to him and as he looks back you let out a: ‘’No...not like this.’’ And maybe it’s the few words you’ve spoken, or the way your arm is trembling from all the power it takes to hold on to him, but he crawls back to you. His face is right above yours and if it’s not your eyes making it obvious what you want, you’re mouth will do. ‘’Take me…’’ It’s not a lot of words, but with the face you’re making and the fact that you guys were just in the middle of it, it doesn’t take much guessing. You can see that he’s thinking about it, obviously worried for you, but you can see his eyes change the moment it clicks.

His wings ar still there and you wished you could touch them, feel them one last time, but you should be lucky by what you can still get.’’I used to be a rebel, so why not know.’’ He laughs quietly before he lays you flat on your back. ‘’I’m going to take care of you my love, promise me to let me know when it’s too much or when you want to stop.’’ You nod your head and you know that your eyes tell him all he needs to know. How bad you want him, how even when you were able to just talk normally, you would want this goodbye to be said only in silence. His body is hovering over yours, his hand touching your neck, giving you goosebumps. ‘’Does this feel nice?’’ he whispers as his hands move towards your breasts. You can only let out a tiny gasp and that tells him enough. ‘’I wish we had more time…’’ Is all he says as his finger enters your core. The moan that escapes you is loader then the both of you would’ve expected. As he continues to stretch you out with one hand, his other starts to prep his cock. ‘’Wish I could… do that for you.’’ You manage to say. You can’t keep your eyes from him. The way he’s hovering over you. His finger inside of you and the way you can’t do anything except for your stares, moans and gasps. ‘’All I want is to feel you right now, my love.’’

And with that he places the tip right in front of your entrance. He makes sure your faces are only inches apart and as he slowly slides into you, his arms make there way to your sides. He’s holding you as he bottoms out in you and the only thing you can do is let out a long moan. He starts moving slowly, tender, putting all his love in every trust. He’s the only one speaking from time to time. ‘’I love you’s’’ and ‘’You feel so good’ s’’ are filling the room. All that praise, all the love in his eyes. The fact that he’s not only literally hitting all your spots, but also the spots in your mind, is what does it for you. You feel yourself unravel under him. You’re so close, that you start to tear up. Your eyes are filled with tears, mostly because of how good this feels, the fact that you’re making love on stolen time, but also because the time is probably running out soon. Lucifer never increases his speed. When he notices your tears he quickly wipes them away and as his hand caresses your swollen cheek he whispers: Don’t cry, my love, let us enjoy these last moments.’’ And just as he is about to give you a kiss on the lips you whisper a soft ‘’Love you Lucifer.’’ You notice his eyes being red as well and it’s devastating, but it feels so good. the way he keeps a steady pace has you reaching your peak and these final ‘’I love you’s’’, the final kisses is all you need to feel yourself tightening around him. He’s close too, because the moment he feels you tighten around his cock he gives you one firmer stroke and that’s all he needs to cum inside of you. He falls next to you and quickly takes you in his arms. ‘’I wish we could stay like this forever. I would sell my soul… but I guess in some way my soul has already been sold.’’ And all you can do is give him a sad smile before your eyes close.

Lucifer knew that it was time. You were starting to feel cold, too cold. After putting on some clothes and making sure you were fully clothed, he grabbed the coin Barbatos had given him. ‘’Use this before the time runs out.’’ So he had warned him for the curse. He knew he couldn’t be mad at his friends. He couldn’t be mad at you, he could only blame himself. He had shown his weakness by loving you. But you loved his brothers, loved him, despite all he stood for, without any shame. And even with the way it felt like he was going to lose you forever, it still meant the world he had the honor of getting to know you. The moment the coin was thrown a portal started to form and as he grabbed your cold body the darkness swallowed the two of you. As he opened his eyes he saw nothing, but darkness. It took a few minutes to notice that he was in a room. It must’ve been yours, because he noticed a picture of you next to a bed. He was going to take the picture, he was a rebel after all. As he tucked you in, he was at a loss for words. So all he could do was give you one last kiss on the forehead. Not being able to stop the tears falling from his eyes. ‘’Goodbye, my love…’’ and as the darkness was about to swallow him, he couldn’t help but leave one more thing behind. A raven feather, just for good measure. Returning to the Devildom was going to be almost as hard as leaving you here. He was once again going to be the villain in yet another story… the story of how he lost you.

You wake up to sunlight. Too much of it. Why aren’t your curtains closed? Wait, you have to get out of bed, it’s your turn to cook for everyone. Everyone? You live by yourself… right? It feels like you had a weird dream, but you can’t remember it. All you feel is sadness. As if you’ve lost something or someone important. The pain hits you so hard that the moment you try to stand your legs give out and you lay on the ground as tears fill your eyes. It hurts, but you don’t know why. As your hands try to find some grip to get up, you feel something soft. A feather. A raven black feather. It’s weird, but it feels comforting. Before you can help yourself, your lips are already on it and even when you should be grossed out by it, you plan to cherish the little trinket...

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thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 3 years ago

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What would happen if you were sent back and ended up in the orphanage with Tom Riddle—and say you also had magic?

Oh boy.

Well, there's a lot to question here. Judging by the... spirit of this ask, I presume I'm... pretty much reincarnated. I'm in the orphanage, I'm much younger than I am now and a child, I'm pre-Hogwarts age, and I retain my current knowledge.

For the purpose of this ask I suppose I also retain my current mental faculties. Despite being in the body of an eight-year-old, I'm not The Carnivorous Muffin at eight.

Welp, there's a lot to consider here.

First, I probably don't realize I'm in Harry Potter for quite some time and instead assume I've been reincarnated to some parallel universe. It's the 1930's, I'm in England in the depression, WWI has occurred and the vast majority of major historical events I know about seem to have happened in the right order, and this Earth is eerily similar to the Earth I left behind.

Strange that I appear to remember everything of my past life with my adult mental abilities, but alright universe, I guess that's how we're going to play this.

What I do know is that I'm dirt poor, presumably still a woman which does not bode well for my career prospects, and if I want any prospects in life period I'm going to have to fight tooth and nail for it. It'd be great if I got adopted to help with this, and might be nice to have people in my life who love me, but there's a lot of orphans in the world and a lot of orphans who are much less weird than I am.

The orphanage is the orphanage and not great, Mrs. Cole is overworked, the orphanage is chronically understaffed, and the kids are running wild beating the shit out of each other.

Being a girl, I probably don't have to worry about getting the shit kicked out of me quite as much, but I still probably try to keep my head down and don't aggravate the particularly beefy looking orphans.

Yes, there's some very angry gremlin named Tom Riddle around who will shove you down the stairs in retribution, but that's just a weird coincidence. And then supernatural shit starts happening. Billy's rabbit hangs itself, people get injuries when Tom is nowhere near them, and I start wondering if this is really the Tom Riddle.

I'm in Wool's Orphanage, my matron is Mrs. Cole, Tom Riddle is running around lighting things on fire. It's possible, though it could all be a strange coincidence.

Now, how things go from here depends on how controlled my own magic is. Since accidental magic typically does manifest at least once or twice, it probably does manifest for me for.. something. If Tom Riddle's there to witness it then...

Well, I imagine he's very offended. Here he was, special, different, better than everyone else, and then some girl in the orphanage (who dares to get very good grades on her assignments in school) has it too.

And I just stand there, smiling, going "Tee hee".

He probably confronts me to prove that he's better at it than I am, and he probably is unless the universe hates both him and me, but having someone else with the Shining around probably prompts him to take me as his protégé (in part so he can show off and in part because he's genuinely excited to be able to share this super cool talent).

I am now apprentice to eight-year-old Tom Riddle. Whoop de doo.

Well, I don't remember this part of Harry Potter, so now I'm probably confused as to where I am again. Regardless, I try to advise Tom on how to tone it down and not, say, traumatize Amy and Dennis for life and antagonize all the other orphans forever. He probably doesn't take me seriously. What do I know, I can't even light that patch of grass on fire?

Hanging around Tom Riddle gets me a reputation to, given the difference in genders, probably a fairly nasty one at that. When Dumbledore arrives he's undoubtedly told hot gossip about how eleven-year-old Tom and I have had sex in a ritual to summon Satan. Dumbledore takes this seriously.

Dumbledore probably meets us both at the same time and it's a disaster. I tried my best to prep Tom without revealing I'm a prophet, Tom first doesn't believe there might not be others, then doesn't believe they would be antagonist/anything but amazed by how awesome he is.

Well, Dumbledore lights his wardrobe on fire while I sit there. Dying inside. Dumbledore probably also does something to me too, to teach me some kind of lesson about something.

I imagine he temporarily disfigures me/makes me appear very ugly, then sticks a mirror to the wall, that way I realize that looks aren’t everything/being a whore is wrong. Tom, still traumatized over the wardrobe, is no help and my magic’s probably not controlled enough to do a thing about it.

I spend a day looking like a pig, Tom and I are given just enough money to buy new wands and second hand/barely functioning everything else and given the world’s worst directions to Diagon Alley. Thanks, Albus.

Well, months pass, we get our wands, Tom gets excited for Hogwarts and I... start seriously considering the future. WWII is coming, the Blitz is coming, Tom and I live in east London and must be able to evacuate during the bombing of London (which went on well past the Blitz to the end of the war). I also start considering my future in the wizarding world. Do I now actually have career prospects?

Probably not because I’m muggle born and a woman. My best bet is doing very well in useful subjects and finding employment with the goblins, I can’t imagine they have the same hang ups as the wizarding world.

Tom wants to go to Slytherin, of course, I tell him this is a bad idea. “Gee Tom,” I say, “Not sure how I know this but I have this feeling that Slytherin is filled with people who loathe our very existence and will shank us. Why don’t we pick Ravenclaw or Gryffindor instead?”

No one shanks Tom Riddle! Tom says. Tom is still eleven and while he admits that sometimes I may, in retrospect, have been right about certain things that doesn’t mean he wants to go to the house known for hard work. That’s code word for everyone there being a moron and having no other redeeming features than tenacity. As for the other two, Ravenclaws sound like smug, elitist, nerds and Gryffindors like dumb jocks.

Better to be known for ambition, cunning, and actually being competent.

Well, there’s no talking him out of this one, and goddamn it we’re all each other has.

I’m the closest thing Tom Riddle has ever had to a friend in all these years and in the orphanage the only one who could hold a decent conversation with him. And while it’s not my moral obligation to keep Tom from becoming a domestic terrorist, and there’s no guarantee I even can, dumping him for one of the other houses and drifting apart won’t help.

Not to mention that, after all these years, I’m undoubtedly lonely, I’m in this foreign land, and he’s now the closest thing to a friend I have.

Looks like I’m going to Slytherin, YOOOOOLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO! I shout as a battle cry as tears run down my face. I may have to convince the hat to put me in Slytherin, but like all human beings I am a mixture of many qualities. I’m not cunning in the least, mind games exhaust me unutterably, but I’m full of ambition.

This confirms every bad opinion Dumbledore had regarding me and Tom.

For the next several months, Tom probably beats the shit out of dormmates who steal his things/harass him. He beats up mine too because feminism (TM) means that he should treat all people equally when guilty of the same crime. I... am not sure I can win that fight so I just resign myself to having to adopt some of Tom’s tactics to make sure I’m not shoved in lockers, have tampons thrown at me, or pig’s blood dumped on me at the prom.

Once again, everyone thinks Tom Riddle and I are dating. I don’t even know if they’re wrong at this point.

Well, being in class with eleven year olds who seem to have had little to no prior education, Tom and I are undoubtedly blazing through class. I imagine I’m bored out of my mind (the Hogwarts curriculum sounds unbelievably boring) and Tom is... well, probably devouring the library but probably also bored. I decide to try and see if I can find some real history texts on this world (there are probably none, the wizarding world seems to only have two historians and both... have a different approach to history than current modern thought as I know it) and discover what magic even is. That shit is fascinating: wingardium leviosa is not.

Dumbledore likely gives neither me nor Tom points in class, I think the house cup is stupid, so I really don’t care. I have no interest in playing quidditch, neither does Tom, so that doesn’t happen.

The second world war starts up, Tom, me, and the muggle borns are the only ones who give a flying fuck. I work harder on figuring out how to get lodging during the Blitz/the bombing of London. Unfortunately, Mrs. Cole hates me too for being the Bride of Satan, so that’s a no go. Third year, 1939, I probably write her in earnest anyway telling her to PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, send Tom and I instructions for the summer/where the orphans are staying/how they’ve been dispersed to the countryside. As a back up plan, I try desperately to shmooze shopkeepers in Hogsmeade during every Hogsmeade weekend to get myself and Tom part time jobs and lodging over the summer. As a back up back up plan, I spend my time badgering Tom to become very good at survivalist wandless magic and if the Lord has pity on me gain some ability in it myself.

Hopefully, either Mrs. Cole or one of the Hogsmeade shop owners take pity on us. If not, then Tom and I are going extreme camping. Given Mrs. Cole (and the brain damage brought on by Dumbledore erasing memories left and right) and the likelihood of Hogsmeade shop owners just not getting it, Tom and I probably go extreme camping.

(Tom, meanwhile, asks Dippet and Dumbledore if we can stay in Hogwarts over the summer. He’s told no exceptions. London’s being bombed, you say? No exceptions. Toodles. Tom is never the same.)

Me, Tom Riddle, a tent we made ourselves, several rabbits we had to catch and skin ourselves, and the pitiful fire that we can keep going through pure will alone because if we try to use real people spells then we’ll get arrested. It has the benefit of making Tom feel very manly and impressive, catching his own food, but both of us are well aware that this sucks.

But hey, we aren’t dead.

Well, I’m sure Tom doesn’t appreciate that and this is where I imagine he seriously starts talking about violent revolution. I imagine much of my time is spent discussing the merits of not violently overthrowing our ant overlords. I imagine a thirteen-year-old Tom isn’t impressed by my pacifism, but he’s not married to Voldemort yet (probably).

Then I imagine the horcrux thing comes up and... Well, I will argue hard against it. Humans die, it is a truth of the universe, and simply something we have to accept. Horcruxes are not a measure against that, they can be destroyed, given infinite time they will be, and the sacrifice they require is too high: human life as well as the very essence of who you are.

What is a soul? I’m not sure, we never really learn in HP canon, but whatever it is, it is in some way the essence of yourself. If you take half of it and throw it somewhere else, you will cease to be you, someone or something else is walking around in your body while the other half of you exists in endless agony.

If you must chase immortality, create a philosopher’s stone (as I darkly wonder why it was that couldn’t be replicated and what Flamel had to do to make it in the first place). On second thought, maybe we should search for the Holy Grail.

Whether I can talk Tom out of this or not is... unclear. I’m going to say that I can, in part because I imagine he’ll want to show the chamber off to me, tell me when he realizes he’s Heir of Slytherin, and in doing so I can prevent the basilisk incident from occurring. Without that, there’s no dead Myrtle, which means no first victim. That summer, when he goes to the Gaunts, I’ll go with him and convince him that it’s not worth it. He can just turn around and leave these people alone, I hopefully can talk him down. Which means no second victim.

I start writing Flamel to see if Tom or I can get an apprenticeship (Dumbledore probably beats us to the chase and poisons him against us, but it’s worth a shot).

Then, should all go well, I can convince Tom to find employment with the goblins rather than shady antique dealers on the bad side of town. Hopefully, I can convince him to never become Voldemort, and instead we travel the world together looking for the origins of magic or something.

Dumbledore goes around taking people’s memories of us in preparation for when Tom becomes a dark lord and I his lady of the night darkness.

TL;DR Apparently my life would become an SI/Tom Riddle fic. So, thanks anon.

#harry potter #harry potter meta #harry potter headcanon #tom riddle #albus dumbledore #anti albus dumbledore #meta #headcanon #opinion

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lululawrence · 3 years ago

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Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.

#long post #rant #i almost deleted this #but you sent it on just the right day and instead i let loose #this is unedited and unbetaed lmao but ENJOY #or don't #whatever #writing stuff #i should tag it #writing SHIT #but that's not really a tag i keep cause who wants to keep track of the negatives #not me

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eartht137 · 3 years ago

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DEAREST HEART- Letter One

Okay, For The Better has got me at a standstill. Every time I go to write the next chapter, I get a very "bad" idea and I have to write it in to meld with what I have in mind, but as my birthday is approaching in 2 days and Halloween is quickly approaching, I have developed a very new and delicious idea. I thought up this story in the shower. Hear me out, okay? The blinds that cover the window in my bathroom fell, and I mean fell from the wall, so I had to take a shower in the dark with a candle. Well it gets pretty muggy in my bathroom, as there's not a lot of room, so I opened the window to get some air, well with the wind blowing and the leaves rustling I kinda got that weird feeling that someone was watching me (which I highly doubt). In this story the character/you are a new wife and mom and you've been unmotivated to do normal chores and upkeep due to de pression and anxiety. I kinda wanted to touch on some real topics that I felt may resonate as I've noticed there is a lot of depression and anxieties that have been major high and I just wanted to send a small message that you are seen, you are heard, you are worthy, you are loved. Even if it is in your own world, I'd rather have my own world that I can escape to and have things go my way than keep taking on the pressure of things we deal with everyday. Also this is another Dark Clark Kent. I know, I know, the idea of the man just does something to me. So with that curvies, I present to you Dearest Heart. Okay rant over for the day. Please proceed..........oh yeah MMMMMMmwwwwwwaaahhhhhhh

Dark Clark Kent x Plus Size Reader

Warnings: Non Con, somnophilia, masturbation, stalking, mentions of impregnation. Maybe other things too. MINORS DNI!!!

You were getting up and ready for work, since starting your new job, you'd found yourself a bit out of balance. Being a new wife and mom, trying to adjust, you'd found yourself falling in and out of a reel of depression and anxiety. You very rarely had the energy or drive to clean and sometimes your depression got you to a point where you didn't really want to keep up your hygiene. Finally, you'd gotten the burst of life you needed and decided to make use of it while you had the drive. You started keeping up your hygiene as you used to and cleaned your house day by day. You started cherishing more moments with your husband and son. You had noticed the more you took effort within the day, it helped you feel a bit better everyday. One day, you stepped outside to get a breath of fresh air and sunlight. As you were getting ready to head back inside, you saw a letter place neatly on the bars of you security door with small rose. You tilted you head in confusion and looked around. You took the letter, seeing that it had "Dearest Heart' written beautifully across the front. You walked inside while admiring the vintage parchment envelope.

"Baby?" Your husband asked curiously, making you look up and smile as he and your son watched you.

"Well I think the mailman left someone else's mail-again." You sighed tossing the letter down on the table by your door. You went over and spent the remainder of you free time with your husband and son before heading into your office and logging on for work.

On your first break, you rushed out of your office hoping to spend time with your loved ones. You giggled as you watched your husband and son sleep with their mouths wide open on your couch. You were about to step into the bathroom when you got the nagging urge to go back and look at the letter again. You stared at it from across the room a moment before finally giving in to curiosity and grabbing it. You studied it for a moment before your husband adjusting on the couch startled you. You quietly went to the bathroom and examined the letter. Looking at your phone, you realized you didn't have much time, and would just open it to see what it looked like inside. A very hopeful side of you prayed that in your head that it was filled with cash that some good saint just felt in their heart to give, but you knew that was a slim chance. When you opened the letter, you almost gasped, almost like a child feeling as if you if you'd just done something forbidden. The alarm on you phone vibrated and you jumped, the letter dropped from you hands. You laughed a bit at yourself, picked up the letter, tucked it away and went back to work.

One your lunch break, after making something to eat for yourself and your hungry boys, you found yourself practically lured back to the bathroom to find the letter you'd tucked away for later. You opened it and pulled out a very beautifully written letter, but the first line damn near made your heart stop. You read it over and over trying to make sure you weren't seeing things, but there it was in black in, your name. You took a deep breath and continued reading the letter.

My Dearest Y/n,

I promised myself I wouldn't try to interfere in your life, but my heart won't let my stand idly by. I know this is abrupt as you've never seen me in your life, at least you don't remember meeting me, its been so long ago; but I can't keep quiet about this anymore as my love for you has yet to subside. I know it sounds unbelievable, but I swore I'd never lie to you and I am a man of my word. You might be a little worried as to how I know you, where you live-but you'd be shocked at how much I know about you and it'd scare you to know how long I've watched over you. Little love, I've been a bit disappointed in you. You allowed yourself to get to far down and instead of talking it out, you've been bottling everything in. We both know how that ends. You can talk to me if you need to, but I was really disappointed in how you allowed things to get. You weren't getting out of bed, you weren't keeping your hygiene up, and you weren't keeping the house up; on top of that, you haven't been utilizing any of your self-care tools. You didn't leave the house for a month and you cried every night by yourself because you're too stubborn to get out of your own head for two seconds and let the people who love you in. You were also finding a new lie every week to call into to work, that was disappointing darling because you don't have to lie, just tell them you need a day for your health, you don't owe them anymore explanation than that, but I don't want you to lie again. Do you remember those 2 weeks your backside was sore and stinging and you couldn't figure out why? I'm so sorry dear heart but I had to light a fire in you some way, and I just can't allow you to behave in such a way. I also can't stand to see the woman I love not take care of herself. On another note, I do want to tell you how proud of you I have been with how much you love and care for our son. He's growing so big isn't he? Oh darling, I know you think he's your husbands, but I guarantee he is my flesh and blood, why do you think he stares at me so long when he sees my photo pass your screen. His blood is my blood, he knows who he is. I have decided dear heart, to be a bit more active in your life as I have come to realize that my standing by protecting in the shadows is not enough. It will be awhile my love, but one day we will be together. You, Me and our son. I love you both so much, I promise you we will be a family as we should one day. For now I will continue to watch from the distance and protect you when you need me. I will also be there to talk whenever you just want to talk out loud. Before I end this letter, I want to also tell you how proud I am that you've started writing. I love the stories you've been writing about me and I promise to fulfill every one of you desires as soon as the time is right. Only this time, you'll be able to enjoy it as much as I have. I will be writing again, you don't have to reply, but it would be nice. Keep up the good work sweetheart, I love you.

With All My Heart and Soul,

Kal-El

Your heart pounded in your ears, you forgot to breath and tears filled your eyes. You kept trying to convince yourself it was a prank, but the more you tried to deny it, the more you knew it was real. You sat thinking to yourself, when you'd written a story about him, you didn't know anyone named Kal-El. You immediately started walking around your house making sure every window and door was locked. You wanted to tell your husband, but once again the gut feeling told you not to, and you'd realized that your gut was really on point and that just made things scarier.

You finished you lunch break and the rest of that day unable to concentrate on anything. That night while you took a shower, you kept looking through the blinds to see if you'd see someone. On one had you wanted to see if there was someone really there and on the other you felt you'd probably shit yourself if you really saw someone. After a moment or two, you'd finally convinced yourself it was a sick prank and someone in the neighborhood was being an idiot. You laughed a bit and finished up, ready to finally get the sleep you'd been begging for all day. As you laid in bed, every noise made you jump. Every time something or someone would move, you'd go from the precipice of sleep to fully awake. You had been feeling watched for the longest time and you'd just blamed it on being crazy, but now with the letter confirming your nightmare, you really had no idea what to do. Your mind ran and ran until it finally shut itself down and you drifted off to a very peaceful sleep despite everything going on around you.

He sat in the corner of your dark room watching you breath calmly. He wanted so badly to go over and rock you to sleep as he watched you struggle to fall asleep, but he couldn't present himself to you just yet, not until everything was perfect the way we wanted it before he showed himself.

He sat there watching you from the other side of the room knowing that soon you'd throw the covers off of your plush body exposing your luscious curves that he loved feeling in his large hands. His hand stroked himself as he thought back to the first night he took you. You were sleeping so good, you didn't hardly move. His released his hard thick cock from their restraints and pumped himself as he watched your breasts rise and fall with your breathing. He thought back to the first time he tasted your nipples, how hard they got when he kissed and nipped them. How wet you got for him and how he once made you cum from playing with them only. He then thought about how delicious you were. His fist moving faster and rougher down his shaft. He remembered how tight you were when he first fucked you. How hot and juicy you were as he pumped deep into your soft pussy filling you with every inch of him. He wanted to ruin you, and he wished you could see the happiness he felt when you couldn't cum one night from yours or your husbands touches. His hand pumped faster as he remembered fucking you so good one night your orgasm woke you as you came, as disappointed as he was that he couldn't feel you cum around him, he was still proud to have your body so responsive for him. That sent him over the edge and he came hard wanting so badly to empty inside of you. He wanted to see you round with his baby again, but he wanted to allow you the time to fully heal. He used one of your husbands shirts to wipe himself clean, and he gave you a soft peck on the lips, smiling when you turned away.

"I love you so much. I promise things will be right soon. Sleep well dearest heart." He whispered before leaving. He couldn't wait until you found his next letter.

#dark clark kent #plus size reader #dark superman #henry cavill #stalking

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unknownwriting · 3 years ago

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Congrats on nearing the end of your school term 🎉 I still got a couple more weeks to go myself, haha… :')

May I request Thatch with a fem. s/o?

S/o overheard Blackbeard's plan to kill Thatch and tried to warn him about it, but Thatch just waved it off as her being paranoid, overly stressed or had a nightmare. Which is understandable given that he known Teach longer than he had known her. So s/o decided to play along with that she was just overthinking, and instead opt to keep an eye out on Teach. The night of the supposed incident, Thatch had his back turned to the approaching attack, unaware, until s/o leapt out from the shadows and took the hit for him. Thatch turned around just in time to see s/o fall to the ground, and standing not too far away was Teach, holding a bloodied blade. Having lost the much needed element of surprise, Teach stood with a growing look of nervousness.

What's Thatch going to do in this scenario? …with your knowledge that Teach is absolutely going to lose, and the plot won't head down the way it's supposed to. *cough* Marineford *cough*

Also, is it alright if I request for two alternate endings: one where s/o dies, and another where s/o barely made it through after a few days spent in critical condition and comatose?

♡ Summary- fem! s/o tries her best to stop the assassination of Thatch however she finds it doesn’t go how she plans

♡ Character- Thatch

♡ Warnings- angst, major character death, blood

♡ Damn, you really choose angst. Are you ok?? 😭 but hear me out of Thatch never dies then marineford never happens and that makes me happy :)) so I can so get behind this. Also this is longer than I thought but I hope you enjoy it 💕

Unedited

- you knew about the whole thing, the devil fruit they found, the plan that Teach had and just what he would do to get it. You knew about it all. And it scared you. It scared you so much. The fact that Teach’s greed is so strong that he would kill his crew mate, his family

- for a while you just kept it to yourself, although you heard about it you didn’t know much about it or the context behind it. And you didn’t want to jump to conclusions, so for a while you just kept it to yourself until you had solid proof. But that didn’t seem to work.

- as time went on, nightmares slowly began to appear. And they didn’t stop. It was almost every night you would wake up in cold sweat, gasping for air and at the verge of tears. You couldn’t even be in the same room as Teach you always had to leave. It’s just gotten to the point where you had to tell someone, anyone. So you thought it would be best to go to the one whose in the biggest danger: Thatch.

- you and Thatch have been dating for a while now, so thought that when you had told him what your over heard that he would take your word for you. You haven’t done anything to lose his trust the only part you really had to worry about was the fact that he had known Teach longer but you went to tell him anyways only to have you immediately shoo away the thought.

- you didn’t even get to explain yourself at all before Thatch had shot you down. He didn’t even take the time to listen to you anymore. When you tried to get him to at least listen, he just continued to push you away claiming you were paranoid, not sleeping well and that you just didn’t like Teach.

- At least you had you answer now: if you can’t tell your boyfriend then there’s no way you can tell anyone else and you figured that was gonna be the case. You were new to the crew so of course everyone was gonna take Teach’s side. He was there the longest. But now that you have your answer, it was up to you to protect Thatch and anyone else.

- of course you couldn’t do anything until you learned more about it, so you spent a few nights spying around trying to figure out what exactly Teach was planning. It took a while but luckily he had a big mouth and you were able to figure out when it would happen. And so you made sure to prepare.

- now during this whole thing, both you and Thatch had began to distance yourself from each other. And y’all had your reasons. You really weren’t to upset that he had called you paranoid or anything you just need time to prepare and collect your thought. but Thatch on the other hand was upset that you would accuse him family of something like that. So although the was still mad gonna take a few days and calm down before he confronted you.

- but when he decided too, it was already to late. On the night Teach was gonna attack and you ready. Thatch on the other hand was ready to confront you and ask you about your suspicion, but when he was making your way to your fav room on the ship, Teach was quick to spring into action. Attacking Thatch in one quick movement. However, you were quicker.

- you meant to just block his attack with one of your own, however with the weird way he was swinging it was hard to counter it. So instead of clashing swords, you ended up taking the stab right into your chest. Thatch finally learn that you were right, and as soon as he heard you fall to the floor his world had shattered. He didn’t even pay any mind to Teach, who stood there panicked and frustrated, Thatch just needed to make sure you were ok first.

1st ending- s/o dies

- the guilt had already began to consume Thatch as he saw you lay on the floor soaked in your own blood and barely breathing. He just felt empty. His love of his life was just laying on the floor

- Thatch just feel speechless. He couldn’t muster a word or even a grunt. The only thing he could do was fall to the ground and crawl over to you. His emotions were a mess, he wanted to scream and cry yet her couldn’t. He was to shocked to do anything. The only thing he could do instead of looking at his lover is look at the guilty: Blackbeard

- his whole world has crashing down around him as he placed his hand on his lovers slowing heartbeat. He couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t cry, scream or even react. You were dying and all because of Thatch’s stubbornness. The only time that he was able to react was when you reached your bloody hand up to his cheek, grabbing his attention, and giving a weak smile as if to say, ‘at least your safe’

- that’s when his ear piercing scream echoed through the ship. Now grabbing everyone’s attention but none of that matter. He didn’t care if the next island heard him, none of that matter anymore now that your dead. His lover was dead due to his stubbornness.

- after the others had come to get you and Thatch and arrest Blackbeard, Thatch can’t remember what happened much after that and it didn’t matter. With you gone everything was so different. Nothing felt the same anymore.

- it didn’t take long of Thatch to fall into a deep depression. He did just watch his lover die right in front of him and the one who killed her was someone he called family. It was all his fault and there’s no changing that. If he had just listen to you none of thing would’ve happen.

2nd Ending- s/o survives but is badly injured

- once you were stabbed it was a good thing you landed with a heavy impact bc that sound was able to alert some of the others that were up and near y’all at the time. Thatch on the other hand just froze, as soon as you crashed to the floor he followed in suit frozen. Luckily the others were quick to see what happen and quick to jump into action when they saw your body covered in blood.

- Marco the first to be informed about any of this, so he could began treating you right away. They all carried you to the med bay and began to do all they could to save you. And while they were doing all this Thatch just ended up following like a mindless robot. He was still in shock with it all. He was fully aware what was going on his mind just didn’t process.

- it wasn’t until Marco had approach him did Thatch had finally processed it all and within a span of 5 seconds he was on the floor crying, screaming, cursing at himself. He was blind, way to blind. He couldn’t even see that you were trying to save him. And all bc of that you were forced into a coma nobody knows when you’ll wake up from

- at least you were still alive and Blackbeard was captured. Although Thatch still hate how he can’t see your smile or hear your laugh or feel your warmth close to him, at least you were alive. And with the Thatch was with you every second of the day, not even looking away from you.

- As if to make up for his blindness, Thatch is there to take care of you when your unconscious. Although Thatch really hated this, he was happy that you ha saved him even when he pushed you away you cotuined to protect him. It just proves how lucky he is to have you and to show how much he appreciates you, he’ll sit here and say till you wake up. No matter how long it would take. At that Thatch has to do it wait, wait till he gets to see your smile and feel your love again.

#one piece #one piece x reader #one piece headcanons #op thatch #thatch #thatch x reader

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fykimtaehyung · 4 years ago

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V: “I wish we were back with ARMY, laughing together” (cont.)

What instructions did you give to the other members when they were singing on your song, “Blue & Grey”? V: I didn’t really have to give them instructions much. I told them it would be nice if they could think of all their problems and then try healing those wounds with their voices, since if they focus on those emotions, there’ll be more feeling in the song. They all did a good job expressing the emotions I wasn’t able to. It seems like you intended “Blue & Grey” to be a melancholy song. I heard you had originally planned to put it on your mixtape. V: I wrote “Blue & Grey” when I was at my lowest point, when I was actually asking whether I could keep going with my work or not. Even the fun parts of work became a chore, and my whole life felt aimless. “Where do I go from here? I can’t even see the end of the tunnel.” Those kinds of thoughts hit me hard. Was there a reason for that? V: It was when work was a major challenge. When I’m happy, I want to work, and when I’m happy I can put on a smile and see the fans, but there was just so much work to do. I’m an easygoing, you know, laid-back person, but I was stretched too thin and I was starting to sputter. What I mean is, I was having a really tough time, and thinking, “What’s waiting for me at the end? It’s important to be successful, but I’m also trying to be happy, so how come I’m not happy right now?” That’s when I started to write “Blue & Grey.” So writing the song was sort of your way of bringing yourself some peace of mind. V: There was a time I was going through something like this. I was having the toughest time, but I couldn’t keep carrying that feeling around with me. Instead, I could use it as a kind of fertilizer. So I took care of that feeling by constantly writing it down in my notes. I just kept writing everything down, and when finally I felt like I wanted to try writing a song, I did. After the song was finished, I felt a sense of accomplishment, and that’s how I was able to let go of “Blue & Grey.” That was one way I wanted to try getting over my problem.

The songs you make or sing solo on all have similar images: night; loneliness; snow. V: I like nighttime and the late-night air, and when it snows, too. I liked those things since way back when, but lately I feel things like snow and the night air keep me alive. They may just be another part of normal life to other people, but to me, they represent very special moments. That makes me think of the ending from “Blue & Grey”: “After secretly sending my words up into the air / Now I fall asleep at dawn.” V: I don’t really sleep well. I toss and turn and get caught up in a lot of thoughts. Even when I turn out all the lights, I can see everything clearly. I close my eyes, but all my thoughts spread wide open. Then I’m sleepy at work, and staring off into space when I’m alone, with bags under my eyes, but if I want to avoid that then I really have to sleep. Except, with the way I am, it doesn’t allow for it. I wrote about that in the first and second verses; a feeling like, “When I’m stuck thinking like this, everything is grey, and I’m all blue.” I wrote these feelings out as a song, and now that I’m thinking about it again, I’m actually over it. I feel a lot lighter. I sent my words out into the air, and now I fall asleep at dawn. You’re supposed to sleep at night, but I’m sleeping in the morning again. So I say “good night,” but it’s not actually a good night. “I pass out because I’m exhausted” kind of thing. It’s the emotions I felt in those moments that I wanted to express. What do you hope hearing about that feeling will do for listeners? V: Rather than just some stranger telling them to cheer up, I think it’s better to say something like, “You seem depressed lately,” or, “Seems like these days it’s tough for you to perk up.” “Blue & Grey” is the same: “You’re depressed lately? Me too. We’re in the same boat. Wanna talk about how you’re feeling? You wanna feel better, right? I know, but sometimes it feels like you’re being washed away by a whirlpool of stress.” I want the listeners to hear me saying that to them.

It’s important to express your emotions right away when they’re so overwhelming. V: Yes. I usually write a lot of songs when I’m feeling emotional, but these days I have so many different things to do that I can’t really write anything. I tried to write something before when I had a little time, but nothing came out because the feelings I had were already gone. So I tell myself, “You gotta write a lot when you’ve got the feels!” (laughs) And then I open my notes app and come back to old notes, like, “Ah, so that’s how I was feeling back then? I see. Well, that’s how I used to be, I guess.” So I tried to write “Blue & Grey” quickly, as soon as a big feeling came on. Then it’s important to revisit those feelings when you’re producing a song or choosing which songs to release? V: If you can’t bring the feeling back, you can’t make the song, either. I release a song if I feel it expresses who I was and how I felt at the time when I wrote it. Even if we record it perfectly, if the result sounds artificial, I would rather release another, more honest sounding song instead, even if it’s not perfect. Are those the kinds of songs you selected for your mixtape? V: Um … I don’t know. This is my first mixtape, you know, so I feel a ton of pressure about it. I’m thinking all the time about what kind of album I should make so that I can feel satisfied with it. The title track is the title track, but everyone also says to just leave it as it is, but I keep getting the urge to keep putting in more and more.

You usually write and choose songs based on your emotions. Maybe the pressure to make your first mixtape comes from you having a hard time with that. V: I think it still has a long way to go. Maybe it’s because it’s my first mixtape, but it’s so hard. And I feel like it’s a little lazy. People tell me just to put it out and see how it does, but I’d rather know what needs to be fixed before I release it. I also don’t want the title track to be depressing. I want it to be positive and help people beat those depressed feelings. But it’s not easy. That sounds a lot like what the members conveyed with “Life Goes On.” V: I think we showed the current situation in a very straightforward and honest way. We’re still going, going, going. And the going is tough. But it doesn’t end here. I wish we were back with ARMY, laughing together. I hope we’ll all be happy in the future and keep on doing our own best, cherishing our hope for our happy future.

#201125 #taehyung #v #bts #bangtan #t: interview

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downtonabbeyrevisited · 4 years ago

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Season Two Episode Two

Following a typically chaotic opener, Episode Two of Season Two strikes a far more sombre tone. The arrival of Henry Lang as Robert’s valet brings the first of this episode’s three plot points that address the impact of WW1 on the mental health of its soldiers. There is nothing funny to say about either shell-shock or suicidal ideation both of which are vast, complex issues that, for my money, Downton Abbey isn’t the vehicle explore in (because they require more time and depth than the pace of the plot in Season Two affords) and it certainly isn’t my place to make light of them in this rather irreverent corner of the internet. So I’m going to have a go at treading a fine line here. Forgive me if I stumble.

Lang is clearly in the grips of something awful and yet in an attempt to avoid the indignity of having maids in the dining room, he is bumped up to footman duty. He struggles throughout, culminating in him depositing his cargo on Edith’s dress. Mrs O’Brein has firmly taken Lang under her wing, recognising that he is struggling and offers him assurance and comfort that she has never gifted to Thomas.

Across the Village, Lieutenant Edward Courtenay is in the hospital having been blinded by gas. The use of gas (both chlorine and mustard) had a devastating impact on soldiers in WW1 but was also the root of the development of Zyklon B. Frtiz Haber, a German Jewish chemist, enabled chlorine gas to be used a weapon in WW1 and his research was later developed into the Zyklon process which was used by the Nazis to murder millions, including his own family. This is only one of a dizzying number of appalling ironies to be found in the World Wars but as I said last episode, I’m not a military historian so I’m going to leave it there. Edward had plans to return to the country after his graduation from Oxford to pursue the simple life (although one gets the feeling that his idea of the pursuit of a simple life will still be one that is very well upholstered). Thomas has taken it upon himself to read Edward’s letters to him and together with Sybil is helping him to adjust to living life with a different set of parameters. But growing pressure on the hospital’s limited capacity means that he is to be transferred elsewhere. All three voice their dissent at varying volumes to Major Clarkson who falls back on the very real backlog of wounded men. After Edward has died, Major Clarkson, Isobel and Sybil talk about a renewed need for the Abbey to become a convalescent home, an idea that has been bubbling under the surface for a while now. Meanwhile, Thomas has been left on his own to process both Edward’s death and the implications of witnessing a lack of support given by his own physician to those with depression.

The usually reliably jovial Mrs Patmore also has a more somber episode with her pursuit for the truth about the death of her nephew Archie. Robert finds that he has been shot for cowardice. Not only does this mean that her family is in mourning but they will now have to navigate the stigma and undue shame that came with having a relative die in this way. So entrenched in British life was the derision levelled at those who were shot for cowardice or desertion that it was only in 2006 that pardons were offered by Britain for 309 of those that were executed by firing squad during WW1. I know I said I’d leave it there with the military history, but that felt like an important bit of context.

We are now in 1917 and Matthew is still in the same trench that he was in 1916 (a detail I hadn’t actually noticed until I got the screen cap for this) so it looks like his strategy of downing tools mid-fight and continuously popping back to Blighty for important plot developments isn’t really paying dividends. Perhaps the addition of William to the ranks will help him? William certainly seems to think so and if the speed at which he moves through the various stages of his ‘relationship’ with Daisy is any indication of his tactical prowess, the British Front will not only be well within Germany’s borders but will be breathing down Russia’s neck in a fortnight. In any other episode, this would certainly get the award for oddest relationship dynamic but Sir Richard Carlisle exists.

Sir Richard makes his debut at Downton, having been introduced in name only in the previous episode. He and Mary met at Cliveden which is a regular haunt of mine, giving me hope that one day I too will from a strategic alliance with a newspaper magnate. He may know how to talk his way around a boardroom but he is lacking in the sartorial department. Whilst Sir Richard manages to avoid catching fire in his tweed, Lavinia is not free from the heat as he threatens her with his connection to her uncle. He may not know much about navigating the niceties of Downton, but at least he has cottoned on to the fact that any major disagreement should occur under a specific tree. Whilst Mary’s signature move is weeping into her gloves, Sir Richard’s is grabbing women by the forearm. A female friend of mine told me that one of her favourite things about the pandemic and the compulsion to keep 2m away from anyone (and not just emotionally) is that she has not been ’steered’ by a male hand on her lower back since 2019. It turns out that she can enter and exit rooms just fine on her own and I get the impression that Lavinia could get the gist of Sir Richard’s rage without the vice like grip of a man probably about twice her age.

Twinned with the ’tree of emotional conflict’, the ‘platform of romantic uncertainty’ provides the backdrop for Sir Richard’s proposal of marriage to Mary which is a declaration that really feels like it should come with a series of well-formatted charts. Mary’s heart, however, is still very much with Cousin Matthew. After being counselled by Carson in a type of conversation I cannot imagine her ever having with her father, she is on the verge of coming clean with Matthew. But in the second round of Lavinia vs. Mary, Lavinia declares that she ‘could not go on living’ without Matthew and Mary winds her neck in.

Also having a romantic entanglement this episode is Edith. Drake, previously of dropsy fame, has lost his farm hands and Edith turns up to offer her help in a wildly unsuitable trouser and heeled boot combo. But she soon gets down to it by pulling up a tree stump and flirting in a barn whilst a rather lovely border collie looks on (I’m currently trying to talk myself out of getting a border collie and this incident has done nothing to help things). After showing Drake that she can drink from a bottle like literally every single other human on the planet, the two share a kiss and some highly awkward dialogue that only slightly resembles ‘Carry on Downton’.

Whilst Edith is more than happy to crack on in a barn, Mr Molesley is much more backwards about coming forwards. Apparently having predicted the creation of ‘The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society’, he figures that a book is the perfect kindling for romance when you exist in a glossy depiction of the past. Sadly neither Elizabeth nor her German garden can lure Anna from Bates who is fast shaping up to be schrodinger’s boyfriend. Anna proceeds to make some odd analogy where she compares Mr Bates to her moon-based child, revealing a rather unhealthy amount of codependency in that particular relationship.

Romantic declaration of the moment

Again, it feels like anyone but Sybil and Branson should get this but I am an agent of chaos and here we are. Branson defends Sybil’s will to work and has ample opportunity to see her shine in her chosen field. The admission that she will not be returning to her old life is a little chink of light that Branson basks in.

Expressive eyebrow of the week

I nominate Carson’s entire face when he realises that he has taken on too much and goes an impressive shade of red. As Carson frets about spoons, sauce, and something I can’t quite fathom, he starts to resemble a man who is re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic. Carson’s battle to get a cork out of a bottle and knocking into chairs is a warm up to his rather dramatic collapse which is accompanied by a pretty disturbing groan. Sybil springs to action and he is soon efficiently ensconced in his own quarters.

Wait, what?

“I got a lot done on the train” Clearly Richard was on a train that was unencumbered with the wifi issues that plague the Pendolino.

“It takes a good deal more than that to shock me.” Mary’s shock-o-meter is a pretty odd instrument. It is unresponsive to corpses of diplomats but goes into absolute meltdown at the notion that she might have to live in a cottage.

“Let's hope my reputation will survive it.” I’ve not checked (and I categorically never will) but I would put money on the fact that someone has created a rarepair out of this.

“How can Matthew have chosen that little blonde piece?” Is Lavinia blonde? Women’s hair is not really my forte but I would have thought she was more akin to Tim Minchin than 1998 Justin Timberlake.

“I believe in this war. I believe in what we are fighting for.” William seems to have a better grip on what all of this is about than I ever did in high school history. The ‘A’ that eluded me is heading his way.

“I thought he might've died for love of you.” How I love snipey Thomas. It’s good to have him back. To borrow a quote from Bottas (another man who is currently living a life in which his destiny is his own demise) ‘traditions’.

“Fold it in, don’t slap it” The more season two goes on, the more I think that Moira is just an amalgamation of some choice elements of Julian’s kingdom.

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