#I was talking about how the church kept me in the closet

[catgirltail]

[jyoongim]

~BLOOD & BLISS~

Human!Alastor x wife!Reader

Themes: 1930 based! Human!Alastor x wife!Reader, domestic life! fluff, smut, devotion, slight manipulation, mention of children, pregnancy,  blood, murder, secrets 

In this chapter: slow build up! Smut! Love-making, Creampie, slight breeding kink

this chapter is VERY long!!!

Chapter one Chapter three

Chapter two

The sound of voices filled your home as the ladies chatted in your parlor.

“Oh honey is that peach cobbler? Why you would think it was Sunday with the spread you made.” Agnise said as you came from the kitchen with the dish and placed it on the dessert table, causing all the ladies to turn to you.

You had finger sandwiches filled with ham, beignets, one too many cakes, banana pudding, sweet tea and lemonade.

You were in a baking mood and since it was just high noon, you kept it lite for today’s meeting.

You let out a laugh “oh it was nothin’. Thought we deserved a treat since the last time we saw each other. We housewives deserve a little sugar sometimes.” The ladies giggled at your comment.

Grabbing a sandwich, you took a seat by Rosie, “Now what were y’all talking about while i was in the kitchen?”

”Abi was telling us the Smiths youngest was found in bed with that scrappy gent that worked down at the mill” Rosie said, sipping her tea. You gasped, hand over your heart “Ain’t that girl engaged to um oh what that boy’s name?” You snapped your fingers trying to think

”David Johnson” Abigail snickered “Just know Old smith threw a fit. I heard her mother went crying to the church shouting. Ooooh must have been real bad”

Agnise chimed in “Also Harriet told me that Elaine is expecting…and it ain’t her husband’s” shocked gasps filled the room. “Elaine? As in love the church, has three youngins Elaine? Oh that poor woman I don’t know how she do it” Rosie shuddered. Abigail smirked “Yeah poor Elaine, so who’s the father?”

Agnise chuckled “Take a guess”

Literally you, Rosie, and Abigail looked to each other puzzled.

”Pastor Brown from the next town over”  Agnise said.

squeals and laughs erupted from all of you.

You shook with laughter as you took a deep breathe. “Ok ok enough of that. How have y’all been?”

Rosie was running a boutique, New Orleans finest clothes and it was really taking off. She talked about how some cheap fabrics came in and she ain’t have a clue what to do with them.

Agnise happily chirped about how her two oldest had got accepted in some fancy school on the other of town.

Abigail complained that she thought the maid was stealing her clothes, claiming too many of her fine dresses were missing out of her closet.

”Oh dear how is that handsome husband of yours? I was hoping to the man when I was coming in.” Rosie said smiling. 

Rosie and Alastor were the closest besides Mimzy. He often dropped by to have her make your clothes and tailor some of his suits.

”Oh you know how Alastor is” you waved your hand, “he set out early this morning to the radio station. We’re suppose to down to Mimzy’s club tonight”

Agnise and Abigail looked at you shocked “That ol rigity joint? Oh darling no. That man makes good money, why y’all going down there?”

You had met Agnise and Abigail when you were in school.  They were a bit more Polish than Rosie who didn’t mind a good time.

”I think that lounge is rather charming. The music is good.” You defended.

”Well enjoy it now, I had a dream bout fishes and you know what that mean” Agnise said, giving you a knowing look.

You blinked, then blushed, taking a sip of tea. “I don’t know what you’re talking about” you feigned dumb.

She smirked, red lips curling “You’ve been hiding news from us haven’t you?”

Abigail looked at you, “Are you?”her honey eyes roamed over your figure.

”Ladies no! I’ve told y’all me and Alastor haven’t discussed children. We don’t have time for that” you said pouting at their accusations.

”What man don’t want his own running around? The two of you been married for a few years now, i had half expected at least something.” Agnise said.

”Alastor has just settled in good as radio host. What kind of wife would I be if I just randomly suggested having a little one running around? No I couldn’t.” You gripped your cup, looking down.

You and Alastor hadn’t really discussed children. You figured you would wait a few years to get settled into your marriage before thinking of children.

With alastor’s career taking off, you didn’t have it in you to just spring the notion on him.

You didn’t mind. It was quite nice not having to clean and look after a baby.

BUT 

You did want to potentially have children with Alastor.

The house would be a lot livier and you thought Alastor would make a great father.

”Y’all ain’t getting any younger dear!” Agnise said “i mean unless there’s a another woman invovled”

Rosie let out a hiss, glaring at the woman “Oh shush that! Alastor wouldn’t do that! He loves his wife too much to even look at another woman”

Agnise shrugged.

Abigail patted your hand “Honey don’t listen to her. I am sure you’ll have a whole litter running around afterwhile. Not having children ain’t all that grand.”

You pouted. That did not make you feel better.

Rosie seeemd to pick on up your down mood and interjected

”We came to discuss books! Enough of this husband and children talk! So we left off at Charles securing the mistress!”

The little gathering went on without a problem, but the comments and conversation still bounced in your head. 

Alastor wouldn’t seek out another woman just because I haven’t…right?

You and Alastor’s intimate life was fine to your knowledge.

 The man wasn’t the most affectionate, but he did try. 

He was loving and gave you anything you wanted.

THATS what any wife wanted right?

Not having children didn’t seem to make him any less doting with you.

But you still felt that nagging doubt as you tried to reassure yourself.

”Bye now! Tell Nathaniel I said hello and Abi please just see if the maid took your dress!”you hollered from your porch, waving the ladies as they smiled and walked down the street.

You sighed. Rosie had stayed behind and was cleaning up.

”oh Rosie you’re a guest please let me” you said grabbing the dirty dishes.

”I’ve been here so much this is practically my home girl please.”she laughed as she grabbed the tablecloth and put in in the hamper.

”Those two are certainly a handful. Don’t take what they said to heart. They are just bitter their husbands don’t love on them like yours” she chided.

You hummed. Rosie was right. What did it matter that you didn’t have kids? That didn’t change anything.

”I know Ro but I feel like I’m failing as a wife. But i promise I’m fine I swear” you quickly said as she gave you a look.

She looked at the clock “Oh my well look at the time! Do give Alastor my love dear”

You gave her a hug and walked her out, waving her goodbye as she waltzed down the road.

You were now alone.

The house was quiet and you had cleaned up everything so you wouldn’t have to look at the mess in the morning.

You rolled your shoulders, sighing at the tension and decided a quick nap wouldn’t hurt as you wait for Alastor to come home.

—————————————————————————————————

The sun began to slowly set through the trees as Alastor ran a bloody hand through his hair, the brown strands slicking back as he breathed deeply. The man had put up quite a fight, but luckily Alastor could quickly deal with his little problem. 

He had planned to take his wife out for tonight, but with the way he was feeling, he would rather be in your embrace and sleep.

He would stop and get you your favorite flowers as an apology and maybe cook for you instead. A soft smile appeared on his face as he imagined your face as he came in with flowers and kissed your soft lips as he propose hell cook for dinner.

Soft jazz would be playing and after the meal he would ask you to dance. Peppering your face in kisses as you laughed at him, thinking he was silly.

And maybe afterwards, he could indulge himself in you. A shiver ran through his body at the thought of your face contorted in pleasure. 

Oh yes he was sure you wouldn’t mind why he came home late

He hid away his shovel in an old storage house and changed clothes.

Getting in his car, he hummed along to the radio as he thought of what to make for dinner.

—————————————————————————————————-

Alastor softly closed the back door as he slowly set down the flowers and groceries. He peeked his head in the parlor and found you sleeping on the couch.

He quickly made his way upstairs, hid his clothes in the back of your closet, showered, and went back down stairs.

He grabbed the flowers and slowly slid beside you, pulling you into his lap.

You snuggled into his neck, eyebrows scrunching, waking up ”hmmm Alastor?” you groaned as he snickered. He pressed his lips to your plump cheek “Seems my darling wife had a very long day. Seems I got caught up at work and didn’t catch the time. But…” he pressed the flowers to your nose as you took a deep inhale of the flowers, smiling “I do hope you would forgive dear.”

Your heart fluttered at the man, standing to put the bouquet in a vase.

You caught sight of the time and gasped “oh no! I can’t believe I fell asleep for that long, lord on high I ain’t got a single thing out to cook.” You went to make your way to the kitchen, but Alastor was quick to wrap his arm around you, pulling you into his lanky frame. “Don’t you worry about dinner darlin’ I got it. I had promised you a night out and forgot. So to pay for my offense Ill cook dinner and why don’t you go upstairs and put on something pretty  for me hmm?” He pressed a few soft kisses along the column of your neck, making your breath hitch slightly, before patting your ass to get you moving towards the stairs.

Once you made it back downstairs, the smell of dinner made your stomach growl.

Alastor was just setting th plates as you entered the kitchen. “Book club must have been something today, I see you baked a lot of goods today. Good thing I checked before thinking of making dessert” He turned to actually look at you.

Gorgeous is what he thought as he took you in.

You opted for a simple slip dress that fell just before your knees. How enticing.

 You accessorized with your pearls and even had your hair curled slightly.

He couldn’t help but wrap his arms around your waist and bring a hand to his lips, kissing it as he looked at you with utter devotion.

”My my don’t you look lovely dear” he whistled, twirling you around slowly.

You blushed and looked towards the stove “Dinner smells great Al, what did you make?” He ushered you to the dining table and pulled you chair out for you to sit before fetching tonight’s dinner.

Shrimp and grits in one bowl and jambalaya.

For dessert he took a piece of butter cake that you made earlier and chilled sweet tea and lemonade.

You moaned in delight as the flavor of the jambalaya burned your mouth. “Oh Al! You added a bit more spice this time but it goes good with the grits. oh i love your jambalaya.” You praised him.

You practically danced in your seat as you ate causing Alastor to chuckle.

”I never tire of your praise for my mother’s recipe my dear. I must say this cake might just be my new favorite” he said.

You decided to fill him the latest gossip you heard today from the ladies

”Rosie sends her love by the way. Oh you would not believe what Agnise told us today…” you started.

Alastor had a lazy smile on his face as you talked animatedly about todays gossip. He nodded along and even gasped at the details you shared. You made him swear he wont repeat it anywhere, including on the radio.

You took a sip of lemonade ”Agnise made a comment that she was surprised we haven’t had kids yet. Can you believe that woman?” Alastor tilted his head “I wouldn’t put it pass that one. Well what did you say?”

Alastor asked taking in your reaction as you pouted, swirling your fork in your grits before stabbing a shrimp. You sighed “I told her that we just weren’t ready. I mean you just got settled in at the studio good. Then the nerve of that woman to say that you were probably seeing another because I wasn’t putting out.” You mumbled that part, feeling  pinges of doubt start to rise in you as you looked at him.

Alastor scoffed “darling I only ever had eyes for you” he reached across the table to grasp your hand, thumb fiddling with your wedding ring. “Nothing will make me look at you different. To me, you’re perfect. You are much more than I could ever deserve” he smiled at you. “Do you want children darlin?” He asked.

You blinked, a warm blush crept up your cheeks “I-I mean it might has crossed my mind once of twice, but I-I dont know” you looked away, feeling shy.

Alastor grinned “I think you would make a wonderful mother my dear. Through I will admit having to share you i dont know about that” he laughed “buuuuut if having children will make you happy, who am I to say no?” His voice dropped an octave as he smiled at you.

You were shocked. You hadn’t thought that Alastor would be open to having children. But you didn’t just want to have kids because of social pressure. You wanted it to be something you were sure of…

”Its a big responsibility if we have children Al”you whispered. He hummed, shrugging “Dear I make more than enough that our children will have comfortable upbringing, besides Ill be there the whole step of the way”

That reassurance made your heart swell.

You smiled, a soft laugh bubbling out of your chest “Then I guess well see what happens then huh?”

You finished dinner, Alastor leaving the dishes to soak and you giggled as he dragged you upstairs. “Alastor! Hahaha dont you have work tomorrow?” You entered your shared bedroom and squealed as he lavished your exposed shoulders in kisses.

He groaned in response as he unbuttoned his shirt as his hands gripped at your hips.

”what do that have to do with us delving into the throws of pleasures darlin? Its been quite some time since I’ve paid you proper attention.”

Your back hit the duvet as he situated himself between your thighs. Your dress bunched at your hips, exposing your lacy garter. His hand toyed with the fabric, lips curling in a smirk “Were you planing to seduce me dear?” You shook your head as you curled your arms around his neck, pulling his head to meet his lips.

”Hmmm lets keep the pearls and garter on” he grinned down at you.

”Nngh! Ah! Ah! Ha! Ah! Oh god!”you cried out as Alastor thrusted into you. Your fingers gripped at his hair as you moaned into his neck, kissing over the red bruises forming on his skin.

Fingers flexed on your thigh, keeping your leg pressed into your stomach. The only sound that filled the room were your sweet moans and his soft grunts and the slap slap of his dick burying into your cunt.

Alastor’s back muscles flexed as you raked a hand along his back, groaning as your nails left burning trails into his flesh.

”One more. You can give me one more can’t you darlin?” He asked huskily as he snapped his hips into yours.

Your body buzzed as your third orgasm approached. The pearl necklace that hung around your neck, bounced with your breasts as Alastor nipped at your neck. One of his hands crept up your chest to play with one of your nipples. Tugging and pinching the perk peak as your cunt clenched around him.

”I can’t wait to see you pregnant ma cher. All nice and round, carrying my child.”

A sharp pinch had you whining “These lovely tits of your full of milk god I can’t wait to taste it” his head shifted to your chest, his warm mouth taking the mound into his mouth. Teeth and tongue teased as his thrusts picked up pace.

”A-Al! Oh! Oh! P-Please!” You threw your head back in pleasure.

Alastor couldn’t help but let his twisted feelings take over, a hand wrapped around your throat, applying slight pressure as you whined.

He brought his face back to yours, nose brushing against yours as your swollen lips enticed him to suck and bite at them. He maneuvered both your thighs to be pressed against your stomach, giving him leverage to hammer into you soppy heat.

”You want me to give you a baby darlin? Hmm? Want me to fill the needy cunt of yours and spill my seed into you?”you moaned, eyes glazed with lust.

Alastor smirked “Use your words baby. C’mon” a harsh thrust made your toes curl.

”y-yes please please Alastor give me a baby!” You cried.

A wild look was in his eyes 

“Oh ill give you all the babies you want. I’ve wanted to see you swollen with my child since our wedding day. You’ll look so pretty baby. All filled with my cum and swollen. Yeeesss what a lovely sight you’ll make”

His thumb worked tight circles on your clit as your back arched into him as your orgasm ripped through you. Alastor slammed his lips on yours to swallow the loud moan that tried to spill from your lips.

He grunted as his hips shuddered. Chasing his orgasm as he rode yours out. With a hiss, his dick twitched and soon warm cream painted your gummy walls.

With a sigh, he coaxed his tongue against yours as he gave you a few more soft thrusts.

Panting and flushed, your legs fell limp as he pulled out and smirked at the mess he had made of you.  A white stream slowly pooling out of you.

Spent and feeling the blissful afterglow, you curled into the covers, wincing at the stickiness between your thighs. Alastor pulled you into his chest, kissing your forehead “normally Ill clean you up, but since were trying no need.” He brushed a curl out of your face as you began to fall asleep

”Alastor?” You said tiredly.

He hummed, as he ran his hand up and down your arm, admiring the red bruises on your neck and shoulder

”I love you”

He grinned as you dozed off.

”I love you too dear”

———————————————————————

Soooo what did you guys think??? Bit of a slow burn yes? we got a peak into what Alastor was doing hehehee

@nightshadelm @th3-st4r-gur1 @amurtan @lunaramune @southern-bayou-beau  @karolinda007-blog @simphornies @yourdoorisunlocked @nettaw @purplecatsandhearts @catherine1206 @jellibean2018 @thewinchestah @wonderlandangelsposts @alishii @readergirlstuff @missgurlsstuff @yuzurixx @darkovergrownforestnymph @dasimp777 @markster666 @alastorsgirl48 @alastor-simp @alastorsaries @preciousbabypeter @alastwhore666 @strawberrypimp666 @stawberrypimpsimp @queenariesofnarnia @peachedtvs @peachedtv @tpks @siiv3r @hazelfoureyes @okay-babe @aconfusedworld @chewbrry @altruisticalastor @yunimimii @dievia3 @alastorsdear @alastorsdarlingdoe @t0byisher3 @dennsfz @twismare @nanami1chu @yoongibabs @menthatilove @smoky000 @luzzbuzz @stygianoir @kiralaufeyson84 @for-hearthand-home @luzzbuzz

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV S2 Ep8 Musings - LDPDL: Burning Questions

I was reading this Variety article, and they mentioned something that made me think of fan critiques of Louis' opaque motivations in the finale, and the fun laughs we've shared over how he's so unbothered by vamp nonsense that he never seems to ask important questions.

I'm drafting a separate post specifically about "Vampire Grace," but I wanted to focus here on only one point in particular:

PAUL.

We always talk about whether Louis chose Lestat over Claudia; "you take him with you, in HERE!" But I haven't seen talk about how Louis chose Lestat over Paul, and how that factors into Lou's habit of not asking HELLA important questions that could've saved Loustat DECADES of resentment.

Paul's suicide "opened the series," setting this whole thing in motion. Florence blames Louis for his death, making Lou feel like a failure.

--the first time we see Louis outright say to someone's face "I love you," it's mere seconds b4 Paul jumps off a roof. (The only other person we see him say it to is Armand, right after saying they're not companions. 💀)

Paul's memory is wrapped up in Louis' love of Lestat, cuz until Les showed up, Paul had been Lou's one and only companion--the sole person he could TALK to. As a closeted gay man, Lou was desperate for MALE companionship: understanding, acceptance & love.

Sure, he had Grace & Lily (& later Claudia)--all WOMEN--but:

his daddy's dead, and who knows what their deal was, but it couldn't be worse than effing Florence. So there's a lingering want of a father-figure; someone older/wiser who could teach & guide Lou when he was feeling "lost...in a dark way" (*cough* Armand *cough*)

a father or brother is still not the companion Louis REALLY wants/needs, so ofc there's things Lou can't tell Paul, or have with him. Les's an upgraded Paul-- a HUSBAND, not a SIBLING (*cough* Claudia *cough*).

(deep down) Lou was jealous of how candid & honest Paul was; regardless that Paul's lack of a filter was a side effect of his mental illness & religious fanaticism (cuz vampirism's an allegory for sexuality--and even in gay mecca Paris & SanFran Lou was still tryna "find himself" as the Zodiac Killer *cough Daniel *cough*)

Paul's dying wish was for Loustat to never be together

and Lou felt he'd betrayed Paul; that he'd lied/hadn't kept his word

folding like a leaf rather than saying NO, or killing himself like he'd implied (suicide by vampire instead of cane-sword/alcohol poisoning)

(and Queen Claudia called Lestat the "Father of Lies" (aka The Devil), and she ain't never lie a day in her life, either)

So the Catholic guilt was extra strong, cuz Saint Paul was right about Les; but Lou chose Les anyway--in the church, on the altar--after Paul died trusting that Lou WOULDN'T take him back.

Instead, we get this boatload of excuses from Louis about the "vampire bond," when the only bond that matters is LOVE. But this is the crux of Louis' personality/problems, and why the interview took so long for him to attempt either the 1st or 2nd time around. Cuz Louis is a hypocritical coward stuffed to gills with self-loathing & GUILT. He runs away from the truth, he runs away from his issues, and he hides from himself and everyone around him.

So OF COURSE Louis doesn't ask important questions. It's not that he doesn't care--it's that HE'S SCARED of asking, and terrified of what the answer is. So it takes him forever to even BEGIN addressing the elephants in the room.

Louis ALWAYS suspected. But he was:

Scared of the answer/truth

Scared that Les would LIE

Scared he'd forgive Les regardless

Paul died in 1911. It had been 26 YEARS until Lou finally piped up in 1937 (the end of Les's Grovel Era). But this was the PERFECT chance to call Les' bluff & get some honest answers out of him for once, cuz:

If Les (unapologetically) caused Paul's death, he can just stay gone

It's in Les' best interest to tell the truth regardless, cuz he's been desperately tryna get back in Lou's (& Claudia's) good graces for 6 years, and being sincere will earn him more cookies (he'd also be banking on Lou forgiving him regardless, cuz he's been missing Les so bad, even after being beat into the next decade & dropped a billion miles in the air)

If Les IS lying, how would they even frikkin know if they can't read his mind? Lou just wants to see what Les will say

(In 2x6 he waited to ask Madeleine if she only saw Claudia as a replacement for her dead sister--a question he should've asked BEFORE he Turned her, but... 🤷 Moot.)

So in the finale, there's 2 painful truths Lou has to contend with:

WHY is he doing the 2nd interview?

WHO saved him during the Trial?

It takes Louis 77 YEARS to reclaim the "pieces of myself" he'd lost/forgotten. He ALWAYS knew things weren't adding up with Armand. He KNEW there were things missing. Even in SanFran, BEFORE the mind-wipe, he was already losing his mind/memories--PTSD from all the awful things he'd been through.

Even book!Louis knew about Claudia's diaries for a decade b4 he finally got the courage to ask the Talamasca if he could read them & speak to her ghost.

Although Lou's naive AF, he's not an idiot--he HAD A HUNCH that Armand knew more than he was letting on, which is precisely why he kept ignoring Armand every time he asked to stop the interview.

However, for once, Lou actually wastes VERY little time with this one:

As soon as he learns the truth about "Banishment," he divorces Armand, and runs back to NOLA to find Lestat. Memory is a monster Lou'd been running scared from all this time. He's tired of running away, wasting so much time, wasting the gift, when he could be actively tryna solve his problems to make life bearable/better. The hellish prison he'd lived in was by his own design--only he could chose to stand up, take control of his life; and finally ask the burning questions. "Truth and reconciliation."

Lou could finally make peace with the memory of the two people he'd been avoiding for so long; whom he felt he'd let down the most:

For once Lou chooses to be "companion enough for myself," and live with/for himself, not relying other people to save/fix/determine his life for him anymore. That's really the only way he'll be able to be with Les in a healthier, guilt-free relationship in the future.

[thatoddgent]

Sweetheart [Part Two] (Aether x Fem!Reader)

A/N: Wanna say a quick thank you for all the support that I've received on everything I've posted so far, I'm happy that people are liking what I'm working so hard on and I appreciate you all! This is part two to my Valentines Day post, so if you haven't read that yet then you can here! I hope that you like this, and feedback is always appreciated. <33

Genre: Smut, sweet and romantic since that's what won in the poll!

Warnings: Porn with plot, P in V sex, drunk sex? (Both parties and very light buzz), biting/marking, L bomb, blood (not super graphic).

The garden felt so lonesome, you staying back after bidding farewell to the ghoul so you could relish in the moment. It was almost surreal, but you don't have the time to sit around and think about it all day, you had a party to get ready for.

The siblings and staff were excused from wearing their habits and other such uniforms, instead they were expected to wear distinguished - yet still festive - clothing. Since you played a part in designing and putting together the suits for Papa and his ghouls, you were lucky enough to have an idea of how they would look, and decided to go for something that would play nicely with the colors Aether would be wearing.

Shuffling around through your closet, you finally found the dress you had been looking for, you didn't have much reason for dressing up in the abbey so you jumped at the opportunity to wear it.

Slipping out of your habit and veil, you get the dress situated on yourself and move to the mirror to make sure everything is in place. The dress was stunning, deep burgundy colored fabric clung to your body, with a slit on the thigh accentuating your hips. It had a modest neckline to distract from the sultry bottom half, with lacey off-the-shoulder sleeves hanging delicately from your arms. You paired the dress with a set of black heels that you knew you would be comfortable in, and a lovely little silver necklace with a purple stone.

You kept your makeup simple, not wanting it to get ruined in the midst of the party, applying a nice gloss with eyeliner and mascara, just enough to bring out the color of your eyes and the shape of your lips. A layer of hair was pinned back, leaving half of it down to further frame your face.

When you looked in the mirror, you were almost in awe, it had been so long since you had done yourself up like this, in a way, you missed it.

A knock at the door interrupted you from your thoughts, and you opened it to find Marjory smiling. Her mouth drops at the sight of you, and yours at her.

"Dear Asmodeus! You're going to be the star of the party showing up like that, you make me look like I'm doing nothing more than running a few arrands!"

You giggle at the sweet response, gesturing both hands up to her.

"Me? Look at you! No wonder you were able to steal that poor boys heart, I'd be more worried that you've stolen them from all the brothers in the ministry!"

You move to the side and gesture for Marjory to come in, leaving the door open in case any other friends happen to stop by. You two sit on the bed and talk, trying to pass some time while you wait for the Banquet to begin.

Eventually Liza finds her way into the room as well, mouth already going off spewing the latest gossip she could scrounge up.

"So," She begins. "Did he ask you?"

A goofy smile glues itself to your face, and you nod your head quickly, still giddy about the whole thing. And, once again, you have both of the girls squealing loud enough for those outside to hear. It's like when you first joined the ministry, no worries but fawning over boys and trying your best not to get caught slacking by your higher ups, you're glad that you've made such good friends.

You three quiet down a bit and continue talking until the church bells begin to bellow a melody throughout the halls, signally that the party is soon to start. The halls quickly fill with people making their way to the dining hall, which had been rearranged and decorated to look like a place that only royalty could afford. Copia was as victim to a love for flare and drama as his brothers before him, so it only made sense that he wanted to set the mood for romance.

You admired the room from the doorway, waiting and looking for the ghoul you were set to enter with. You felt yourself getting nervous as you watched countless other sisters find their partners and seat themselves at the tables, he wouldn't have stood you up, right?

Now that you think about it, Papa wasn't here, neither were the others ghouls that were to accompany him. Before you had a chance to wonder any longer, an elderly sister came up behind you and rested a hand on your shoulder.

"Go on dear, enjoy the fun. I'm sure that who you're looking for will find you in due time, don't soil it by waiting out here all night."

You smile at the woman and nod, taking one last look in the hall before entering the hall, finding a seat next to Liza. She looked at you with a hint of worry in her eyes, she was without a date too, but you shouldn't be wallowing with her right now, unlike her you had plans.

She nudged your arm with her elbow and offered you a smile, which you returned quickly. Even if something did happen, at least you had her. Your gaze fell to the centerpieces that you three had worked on just a few hours earlier.

Sweet music soon started wafting through the air, and everyone went silent waiting to see what was happening. The giant double doors on the opposite side from where you had entered opened, and there stood the beloved Papa Emertitus IV, clad in a deep crimson suite with purple detailing. Behind him stood an entourage of ghouls, though you couldn't much make them out in the dark of the night.

Copia started making his way inside, kissing the hands of a few sisters on his way to the table which was reserved for him and his group. As they filed in, it was revealed that the ghouls all were holding bundles of flowers, which they began passing out to the brothers in their seats.

"Love," Papa's voice rang out. "It's what binds us. Family, friends, lovers. Today we celebrate it, and cherish it, for it is truly something special, and with these roses you will share that love with those closest to you."

By the time Papa had finished speaking, the roses had all been passed out, save for the ones that a few of the ghouls had saved for themselves. The anxiety that you felt earlier began to grow, you weren't sure if you could wait. You saw Aether standing there, in front of everyone, holding a single rose in his hands.

Copia threw his arms out towards the crowd, and smiled.

"Please, begin my friends!"

All of the brothers began gifting their roses, some standing up to find and confess to sisters that had been without partners. You simply sat and watched, occasionally looking over to Liza who laughed at anyone who was turned down, as well as turning down any man who attempted to offer anything to her.

Your eyes wandered to the large table that Papa was to sit at, and saw that he and the ghouls were all whispering to one another. He looked around, and once everyone had sat down, he nodded his head.

Once he did that, the ghouls that had save roses made their way out into the crowd, and began confessing on their own. Your heart began to throb as you saw the large ghoul you were eyeing walk over to where you were sitting, reaching out a hand for you to take.

Liza had to hold in a scream at the sight. You took Aether's hand and rose from your seat, looking up at him with loving eyes. He was incredibly handsome, he wore a black dress shirt and pants with a tie that matched the color of your dress, and he was still sporting his usual silver rings and bracelet.

All of the ghouls were wearing black masks that covered the top half of their face, leaving their hair and lips free. It was probably the most you had seen of Aether, and you loved every part of it.

"I know I already asked, but there's no harm in making sure." He smiles. "Would you like to join me?"

You accept the rose from his other hand and hold it close, nodding slowly. He gently pulls you next to him, and leads by the hand back to his table, along with the other ghoul's and their partners.

You all sat down, and the party began, food being brought out and served on some of the most beautiful plates and cutlery that you had every seen.

"Copia sure knows how to party." You whisper at Aether.

"You think he set this up alone? He had to ask the girls to help pick forks because 'There was too many'."

You both try to stifle your laughs to not draw attention, but a few of the others ghouls still look over.

You and Aether start eating, joking around and talking in between bites. He's really such a sweet guy, you never once feel uneasy or nervous, even thought your table is front an center. He even wipes a bit of food away from your lips without drawing attention to it, not want to embarrass you.

A couple of hours pass, and soon everyone is done talking and eating, which means it's about time for the coveted afterparty. Everyone begins to stand and leave the room, some going to their bedrooms and others going to the ballroom to continue socializing. Your group starts to leave, and you help to pick up a couple of plates and such from the tables on your way out. Aether watching you lovingly, and copying your actions.

Once you make it to the ballroom, you can't help but let your mouth fall open, admiring the beautiful decor that had been set up. A giant chandelier hung from the ceiling, with shimmering crystals that reflected the different colors of the room. Ribbons were also hung up, with flowers and loose petals littering the room and floor. Music also played, it was soft and slow, truly romantic, though you were sure that would change when people got more in a different kind of mood.

Aether placed a hand of the small of your back and led you inside, the both of you ending up in front of Marjory and Liza, as well as the brother that asked Marjory out and... another sister?

Liza looked at you and blushed, introducing you do her date, a shy looking girl who you never really expected to be her type. They really did look good together, and you were glad she wasn't left alone.

You introduced Aether to your friends as well, making sure to keep them and their gawking in line. Once you were all settled in, you migrated to the dance floor and started to join the large group of slow dancers.

His hands found its way to the home of the crook of your waist, while yours wandered up to rest around his neck. You looked up to him, able to see his eyes much clearer than his usual mask, they were big and a little downturned, and so loving. The lights from above shined down and lit up his eyes beautifully, you were captivated.

The music moved you both, making you sway softly in each other's arms. In your eyes, there was no longer anyone but him, the both of you together, because that’s all you needed. It was almost foolish how quickly the two of you fell for one another, but the way he held you, the way that he pulled your body so close to his, if this was foolish then you would happily spend your life living a comedy, because this is all you could dream of.

You both continued to look into each others eyes, not breaking your gaze for a second. Your hands slowly snaked away from his neck and rested on the sides of his jaw, cradling him with a touch he had never known. He moved his head lower, letting it sit just close enough that you could feel the warm tickle of his breath, but he didn’t move any closer, he didn’t dare.

He was waiting, waiting for you to decide if this is what you wanted, the poor man wanted nothing more than to embrace you and feel the warmth of your lips on his, but he sat patiently.

Your eyes flickered from his eyes to his lips, and just as quickly, your lips to his own. His lips were soft and a bit chapped, brushing so beautifully against yours, the kiss was nothing but the love that you felt in that moment, no lust or ill intent, just love.

You couldn't tell if it lasted forever, or if it didn't last long enough, but eventually you two had to pull apart. Aether's eyes were almost glazed over with a look that you couldn't exactly place, but your eyes shone with the same light back at him. You both shared that look for the rest of the afterparty, stealing glances from one another even when you were across the room, like two little lovesick puppies.

As the night continued, you both drank a bit, not enough to get overly drunk, but there was a visible haze of blush spread across your cheeks. Aether was able to handle his liquor better than you were, you could barely even tell than he had anything to drink. Marjory and Liza, as well as their dates, found their way back over to you and decided to finish the party off with a bang, dragging you to the dance floor once again for a dance that was just a bit less innocent.

Everyone was pressed close up to their partners, hardly leaving any room to breath between them, and you two were no different.

Your chest pressed against Aether’s, you two enveloped in another kiss, one that was more passionate than the last one. Your hands were ruffled in his hair, and his rested just above your ass, robbing you of his touch in a way that was almost criminal.

You felt a prodding at your stomach, and those silly little butterflies began to flutter around again. Tugging at Aether’s hair a bit, trying to get him as close as your bodies would allow, you earned a low grunt in response, and you can tell that you’re done for.

Aether bites your lip before pulling away from the kiss, staring at you with pupils blown so wide that if you were any further they would look completely black. He shoots a glance to the rest of the people there, taking note of the vulgar grinding and fondling going on, if you both wanted this then he wouldn’t stand for it happening in a place like this.

“Would you want to maybe go somewhere else? It’s getting a little..” His voice trails off a tad.

“Horny in here?” You finished his sentence, blunter than either of you expected.

You both burst out laughing, it’s almost beautiful the way that, even when in a mood like this, there’s still room for laughter.

“I would love to, Aether. I’ve always wondered what the ghouls bedrooms looked like, would you care to show me?”

The color of his face deepened, and he nodded quickly. You smile and go to take off your heels so you can walk a little more comfortably, but it seems Aether has been waiting for your departure. He takes your shoes from your hands and turns his back towards you, signally for you to hop on.

“Poor feet are probably killing you, I’ll give you a ride so you have have a break.”

You shake your head and laugh before hopping on him, a little uneasy at first due to being higher than you usually stand. Aether wraps his arms under your hips to hold you nice a snug, and starts making his way to his bedroom.

The way there is filled him comfortable silence, just enjoying each others company. Your face is nestled against his neck again, feeling his soft hair tickling at your skin.

Before you come to notice, Aether’s setting you down gently on probably the softest bed you’ve ever touched. You admire the decor for just a second before planting your eyes back on the man of the hour, and the sight of him is down right intoxicating.

He stands just above you, looking down with disheveled hair and foggy eyes. A hand snakes it’s way up to your face, caressing your check softly.

“Are you sure that you want this?”

Your heart feels so full and warm, the smile on your face radiating that same feeling. You lean up a bit and place a small kiss on his cheek.

“I would never want it with anyone else, Aether.”

The moment he got the okay, his lips are back on yours, they’re so warm and inviting he just can’t help but kiss them whenever he gets the chance. His hands move to your back, finding and undoing the zipper of your dress before carefully pulling it off of you.

You feel a bit shy, being so exposed to someone, but try not to bring attention to it, that is until-

“Wow…” Aether whispers just loud enough to hear.

You look at him, worried something might be wrong, that maybe he changed his mind now that he saw you. Those thoughts are swatted away though when he wraps his arms around you in a firm, but careful embrace, just holding you close for a moment.

“I can’t believe that I have you here, that you’re mine. You’re so… Wow.”

Your face must be burning up, but you push through that, and your slight anxiety, and pull his arms to the clasps of your bra. He undoes them, a bit clumsily, but it’s charming.

Once your bra comes off, Aether truly cannot keep his hands, eyes, or mouth away from you. He pecks your lips just one more time, before kissing his way to your jaw, then your neck, all the way down until he reaches your chest. He nips at your skin, looking to see what reaction you have to it before he continues appreciating every inch of you.

No wonder he’s one of Papa’s closest ghouls, big, strong, talented, and from the looks of it, incredibly dedicated to worship.

“Aether,” your voice is small and shaky. “Please.”

He rises to meet your gaze, leaning in next to your ear.

“Please what, tesorina?”

You feel likes your going to burst, and he must be too, judging by his shallow breath.

“Please, I need you.” You swallow a breath, trying to calm down. “All of you.”

Aether says nothing before he starts shedding his clothes, being more careless than he was with yours, and you remove your underwear while he does so. He pushes himself onto the bed, pulling you carefully under him and massaging your thighs.

“How can I say no to such a pretty thing like you?”

You feel him grind himself against your folds, rubbing against your clit every so often. Once he’s a little more slicked up, he positions himself and slowly starts to slide into you. It doesn’t hurt, but the sheer stretch of him makes you whimper a bit.

He shushes you, offering words of comfort and praise while he works himself deeper.

“Shhh shhh… Atta girl, you’re taking it so good, just a little more.”

Your head spins, swirling all of his words like little whirlpools, and you were drowning in them. So drunken by the things he was saying, they all started to blur together, and the feeling of him finally sheathing himself fully inside you was almost disorienting.

Hands gripped his wide shoulders, looking for any kinda of support while the same pathetic whimpers fell from your lips. Aether was there though, making sure to kiss away any discomfort before he ever dreamed of moving, not wanting to push too far too fast.

You subconsciously grind your hips into his, once again earning yourself a low groan from the ghoul. Your hands wander to his face and then to the back of his head, finger lacing in the strap of his mask. His body tensed for a second, but with a deep breath he replaces your hands with his own, unlatching the strap and removing it from his face.

You stared, as hard as you tried not to, you did. His eyes had caught you in a trap earlier with their deep stretches of color, but seeing him now, for all he was, the only word you could describe it as would be blessed.

He was obviously nervous, biting his lip waiting for any kind of response from you. So you told him the only words that you could grasp in that ever rushing mind of yours.

“I love you, Aether.”

His hips almost instinctively thrust, hitting as deep into you as you could take him. You must have hit some kind of nerve - or rather - need, inside of him, because he hurried his head in the valley of your chest his breathing was shaky.

“Please…” His voice wobbled from his throat. “Say it again?”

You smiled, it was so cute seeing the things that really got him going.

“I love yo-“

Another deep thrust caught you off guard, your words being replace with an unexpectedly loud whine. He started moving his hips at a steady pace, slow but deep, dragging right against that extra soft little spot in you.

Your nails dug into his shoulders and your eyes shut tightly, you relished the feeling of him filling you up, every movement driving you closer and closer to the edge. You swear, you were watching him fall more for you ever second he was inside you, his eyes were soft and his lips hung open just a tad, he was a sailor and you were his siren.

A hand moved from his shoulder to one of his horns, pulling him back down to kiss you. It wasn’t dirty, or lustful, it was that same kiss that he gifted you the first time.

He tried to keep at that slow pace, but the feeling of you clamping down on him, your skin pressed on his, it drove him wild and his thrusts started to speed up. You were starting to unravel underneath him, a mess of sweat and moans, and begging. You begged him for it, all of it, every little bit of him he could offer you.

“So close… Need…”

His head dipped down to your shoulder, where he placed a firm kiss, making you choke on your words.

“Mark me… Please…”

Almost as if he had been waiting, he opened his lips and dug his teeth into your shoulder, beads of blood dripping into his mouth. He slowed his thrust almost to a halt, but that didn’t stop you from grinding yourself on him, finally reaching your climax with an extremely lewd moan that was muffled by one of your hands. He joined you, giving a few deep thrust before his own release, his dick twitching while filling you with the warmest sensation you’ve probably ever felt.

He relaxes his jaw and pulls away from you, soothing the oncoming sting from the bite with his tongue as he lapped up any drips of blood still trying to escape. Your body was tired and your vision was blurry, so you simply tried to catch your breath until you regained a little stability.

Once Aether had stopped the bleeding, he lifted his head and rested it on your own, your noses pressed against one another.

“I love you too, tesorina. Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah?”

You nodded your head, trying to sit up with him, but he planted you flat on your back. You were a little confused, until he pulled a towel from his closet and a change of clothes. He wiped up the cum that was now spilling out of you, careful not to rub on any spot that was too sensitive. Sitting you up, he slid one of his shirts over your head, and a nice pair of socks onto your feet, topped off with a tender kiss on the forehead.

He threw on a pair of boxers and got into bed, pulling you into his chest from behind, trying his best not to touch the fresh mark on your shoulder. You two cuddle like that for a while, and you eventually start to drift off, Aether leaving you one final bit of praise to dream of.

"Even like this, dolcezza, you're still so perfect. Goodnight, I'll see you in my dreams."

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ghosting a guy?

I (18F, at the time 16F) met a boy (14M) at a new church group, while I was a closeted atheist. He seemed nice, but after I hung out with him for a few weeks a girl(15F? I don't know) that I didn't know came up to me and told me he had a crush on me. I asked him about it, and he said he didn't. That was a lie.

I kept hanging out with him, and he invited me and my cousin (24M at the time) who was a youth leader to his house for his birthday. While I was there, he gave me a switch online gift card, and then later took me aside and asked me out on a date with him. I said yes. He asked me later over discord if I had done it out of pity, and I told him that I wasn't sure if I felt that way about him, but that I had never been on a date and wanted to try it.

(Sidenote, I was considering the possibility that I might be asexual at the time, and didn't know about the split-attraction model yet, so I was also basically questioning if I was aromantic. There was a bit of a testing element to it, but also I was just genuinely unsure if I felt that way about him. I know I'm ace now, but I'm still not sure if I'm aro. I would not be comfortable telling him this.)

After I agreed to go on a date sometime, he started texting me a lot, and kind of acting like we were already dating. I was busy because my exams were coming up, but he kept trying to plan the date. I felt uncomfortable, and wondered if I should have turned him down. Then my mom came in.

I had told my dad earlier about the date, but he had to be out of town for a few days after and I wanted to tell my mom with him there. After he got back, it took me a few days to tell her. She was furious that I'd kept it a secret, and between that and my friend(15F at the time)'s mom telling her about this guy being bad news, she ordered me to tell him I wasn't going on a date with him. I texted him to tell him we weren't dating and never were, and that I wasn't going on a date with him. I felt bad, and mad that my mom had made me, but also relieved.

I didn't talk to him again, even as friends, for months. I came back to the group after he left, but he came back. He asked me what happened, and I told him that my mom had basically made me send him that text, but that I also had been stressed and didn't really want to date him. I thought maybe we could just be friends. I told him maybe we could try date years and years from now, but not anytime soon. But then he gave me his old laptop.

Now, giving someone a laptop is a nice thing, but it felt a little too much like a romantic gesture for me to feel comfortable with it, so I tried to refuse it. But my Dad was nearby when the guy offered it, and Dad said that a laptop sounded great. I don't think either of them realized how uncomfortable it made me, although I did talk to my Dad about it recently and he apologized. I still have never used that laptop.

A few other things:

He told me I wasn't like other girls, which felt like a red flag.

He made a few 'left-wing snowflake' jokes around the time I was becoming more left wing.

I didn't quite feel like myself around him.

My brother (13M at the time) told me that this guy had asked him if I was dating or had a crush on any other guys, and the guy seemed very happy when my brother said no.

Eventually, my parents decided we weren't going to that church anymore. I ghosted him. I felt bad, because he had been mad about me sort of ghosting him the first time, but I was really glad I didn't have to talk to him.

He just texted me out of the blue, and it's been well over a year since we last spoke. I really don't want to text him back, because I don't want to be around him. I felt sick when I saw his text. I don't want to do this again, but it feels mean not to text him. I just texted him.

Am I the asshole for ghosting him in the first place? Was I an idiot to text him back?

What are these acronyms?

[eyeslikewatercoolers]

wedding planner au first family holiday 💕

AHHH this sounds so cute. I decided to go with the first family Christmas after Kerri is adopted for this one. Also I didn't mean for this to be 1.3k words lmao See this post for some references mentioned in this fic!

"Why does your room look like a tornado went through it?" Sasha asked as she hovered in the doorway of her daughter's bedroom.

Kerri usually kept her bedroom fairly clean, but it seemed that half of her closet was scattered on the floor. Even though they were about to leave to spend Christmas Day with Anetra's family soon.

"Because I have nothing to wear." Kerri came into view as she plopped on her bed, on top of the clothes and hangers. "What am I supposed to wear to these things?" she sighed as she slumped against her headboard.

“What do you usually wear for holidays?” Sasha asked as she carefully found a place to sit on the long storage ottoman.

“Before or after the foster house?” Kerri asked as she rolled her eyes. “Either way, I’m not wearing my old church suit.”

“I know, Kare-Bear,” Sasha said with a sympathetic smile. She started using the nickname before the adoption was finalized, which Kerri liked hearing. “So what were you thinking?” She asked, looking at the scattered clothing.

“No idea.” Kerri pursed her lips as she looked at her clothes. “What are you and Anetra wearing? I don’t want to stick out too much.”

Sasha looked down at her cream sweater and bootcut jeans, “Probably this, maybe some mascara and lipstick before we head out.” she shrugged.

“So you don’t dress up nice or anything?” Kerri asked.

“My dad's side of the family never dresses up for anything, besides a wedding or a funeral.” Both looked to see Anetra leaning against the door frame. “And they already love you, even though you haven’t even met most of of them yet.”

Anetra picked through the clothes on the floor, before finding a gold sweater with small white cats all over. “What about this one? Although I don’t remember seeing it before.” She held it up for Kerri to see.

“That’s because it’s Jasmine’s. She left here two weeks ago and hasn’t noticed yet.” she pointed out.

That gave Sasha an idea, “You should wear it tonight, maybe it will help you feel more comfortable.” she offered.

She watched Kerri’s face as she thought, “Maybe I could wear that, I know it’ll fit me.”

“We’ll go get the car ready and meet you downstairs soon.” Sasha gently squezzed Kerri’s knee efore leaving the bedroom with Anetra.

"We've been here for over an hour, and you still haven't left this chair," Sasha told Kerri after finding a moment in between talking with family to sneak off. "And getting up for the bathroom doesn't count."

Kerri frowned in response, "It's just really different from other family Christmases, I guess." she shrugged as she looked around.

"In what way?" Sasha asked.

"Usually it's church service, then I watch my siblings and cousins since I was the oldest, then we go home," Kerri explained, looking out the window to a group of cousins playing outside. The group was bigger than what she was used to, and a wide variety of ages.

"That sounds more like work for you than fun." Sasha pointed out, and Kerri thought for a moment, before nodding in agreement. 

"Don't let us loud Filipinos scare you off." Anetra appeared on Kerri's other side. She was holding a blue bundle of blankets that Sasha had last seen in her arms.

"How long have you been holding your cousin's baby for?" Sasha playfully asked her. She had a feeling Anetra may have had baby fever when she was excited to meet the newborn a few weeks before.

"She hasn't asked for him back yet," Anetra said in mock defense, "And he's wearing the onesie we got him too!" she showed Sasha and Kerri.

Sasha playfully rolled her eyes before turning her attention back to her daughter, "I think the kids are going to have hot chocolate and watch Home Alone in a bit."

"You're probably bored of listening to your aunties gossiping about their soap operas too," Anetra added in a low voice, glancing at the group of older women sitting across the room.

Kerri tried to stifle her laughter as Sasha tried to lead her to the kitchen, "C'mon, you can be on whipped cream and sprinkles duty." 

A couple hours later as the night was drawing to a close, Sasha watched more family members say their goodbyes and leave to go home. Even Anetra started looking more tired as she tried to hold a conversation with her grandmother.

She started gathering her family's belongings and new gifts as Anetra began to notice and start to help. Once everything was in the car, Sasha found the remainder of the younger cousins watching Home Alone 2 in the den of the house. She smiled to herself as she saw Kerri sitting in between two female cousins around her age., quietly chatting.

She waved Kerri over to the doorway, and before she could say anything, Kerri spoke first, "Is it okay if I spend the night?" she asked. Sasha knew that the younger cousins and grandkids that lived closer liked to spend Christmas night at their grandparent's house. She would have never guessed Kerri would want to stay as well, especially for her Christmas in the family.

"Oh, I guess you could," Sasha said, trying to hide her surprise. "Do you have everything you need? We can bring you something from home if you want." she offered.

"I don't think so, I think I have everything I need here." Kerri beamed before hugging Sasha goodbye, "Thank you."

Sasha wrapped her arms around her daughter, "If you need anything, just let me or Netra know, okay? Just call us and we'll be right here. Love you, Kare-Bear." she smiled as she let go.

"I know, I love you too."

"At least we can have a nice drink tonight," Anetra said as Sasha settled next to her on their living room couch, passing her a small glass of eggnog.

Sasha took a sip of her drink before finding a coaster on the table. "I'm still worried about Kerri, what if something happens?"

"She'll be fine, she's in great hands," Anetra said as she scrolled through the holiday movie selection on Netflix. "She knows that we'll answer the phone no matter what time at night."

"I know, I'm just hoping this is a step in the right direction and her cousins don't just make her watch the little kids," Sasha said.

"They wouldn't do that, that's more of a white people thing," Anetra joked. "She's going to love it. I wish I had that option instead of going to boring Mormon church all day on Christmas when I grew up."

"Sounds better than no celebrating anything at all," Sasha said matter-of-factly.

"Good point. Wanna watch A Christmas Prince?"

"Of course I do, we watch it every year." Sasha laughed as the movie started playing, pulling Anetra closer to her by the waist.

They quietly watched the movie, and let the autoplay start the next movie. As the beginning scenes played, Anetra spoke up as she took the last sip of her drink, "Hey Sasha?"

"Yes, sweetheart?" Sasha responded as she looked away from the screen.

"I want another one," Anetra said out loud as she turned down the volume of the TV. She continued to stare into her empty glass.

"Another what? Do you want another drink?" Sasha guessed.

Anetra sat up and looked at her wife, "No, I want another kid." she said. "I've been thinking a lot, and I really want us to be parents again," she said in sincerity, holding Sasha's hand.

Sasha nodded, understanding where Anetra's baby fever was coming from for the last few months, "I want to see our family grow too." she smiled. "I can try to call that social worker to see what kids we can adopt, or we can look into other options soon, too."

"I want to try carrying a baby." Anetra said, "I know we'll probably have to find a sperm donor and go to a lot of doctors, but I want to try to get pregnant."

"Then that's what we'll do after New Year," Sasha said as she gently kissed Anetra's cheek. "Even though holidays with a newborn sounds like hell."

"I think it'll be a Christmas to remember."

[battybriefs]

Remember kids, it's only grooming when it's gay.

But for real heres personal story time. Let's talk about actual grooming.

I grew up in the Mormon church in the 90s and early 2000s. Like a good child, I participated in all the church activities including the young women's program. My parents wanted me to do it, i was told the church leaders were good people so I didnt question anything.

While the guys in the boyscouts and young mens program were learning survival skills, learning woodworking, learning how to fix cars, and learning financial literacy ... we were learning to do our makeup, can food, bake bread, sew clothes, cook large meals, and learn about changing diapers. It was hammered in our heads from a young age that our entire purpose in life was to get married, serve the husband, have kids and raise a family.

I remember when I was a Beehive, around 13 or 14, our ward was invited to participate in a fashion show for one of the local bridal stores. They dressed all the young women up, did our makeup and hair, put us in wedding dresses, and invited all the men in the ward to come watch us runway walk in the cultural hall. I was a literal child. I didnt even have tıts yet. Men in their 60s and 70s in our ward came to watch us parade around in our little wedding gowns. That's straight up a pedopagent and grooming child brides, y'all, and I didn't even realize it because things like that were so normalized in the church.

I remember sitting in the bishops office interviewing for my first temple reccomend so I could participate in the young women's activity to do baptisms for the dead. He asks me if I live by the laws of chastity. I was young, naive, sheltered and didn't even know what the word chastity meant. I remember him aggressively, explicitly asking me questions about my virginity- had I ever kissed a boy, touched a boy, thought about a boy, touched myself, touched a girl, thought about a girl, felt tingly down there, had a hymen. He kept asking me over and over if I was sure about my answers, and would elaborate on what he meant like he was fishing for a specific answer. It felt so dirty and invasive. In hind sight it felt more like he was trying to get spank bank material than trying to find out if I was being a "good girl".

Fast forward a few years. Im in Junior High, probably about 15 years old. I'm a closeted homo sitting next to my girlfriend in church, trying my damndest to hold my tongue and not let people catch on that I was crying. The young woman's lesson was about a woman's worth.

They opened up by talking about how we're getting old enough to go to college in a few years and that that's great, but a career and college education should be a hobby and not a goal. They stressed that we shouldn't put our educations and careers as a priority over finding a man, getting married in the temple, and starting a family. They said as soon as we found a man, we needed to drop out and become stay at home mothers. It was the mans duty to provide for the family. We were told that the reason God sent women to this earth to serve men and raise families, and that it was a divine and sacred calling.

The second half was about how lesbians and gay people were sent by the devil to destroy families. We were told if we "struggled with same sex attraction" we needed to pray, repent and try harder to be straight. That we needed to tell the bishop so they could help us get gay conversion therapy. That even if we liked girls, we needed to find a man to marry and bear his children. They actively encouraged gay men and women to catfish straight partners and trick them into thinking you loved them with the purpose of bearing children. Can you imagine how fucking awful it would be to fall in love and marry a person thinking they felt the same way, only to find out they're gay and living a lie so they don't go to hell?

The church advocating "its ok to be gay but you have to be celibate and single for the rest of your life" was a change the church made a few years later when Prop 8 passed and their members started leaving in hoards.

Meanwhile I've been to drag shows since I was in high-school. It's just a bunch of people with great makeup skills doing lavish impressions of Lady Gaga and Freddy Mercury.

Why is a drag show considered grooming but telling actual children that theyre going to be mommies and daddies when they grow up not? Why is it grooming if a trans person is out in public doing something mundane like grocery shopping, but it isn't grooming watching television shows that has love triangle plotlines that revolve around teenagers making out and exploring their sexuality? Why is it grooming when a children's show has a character with two daddies but not grooming when the children's show character has a mom and a dad?

If people really give a shit about grooming, they need to start in their own backyard. Start by deconstructing straight representation in media. Start by asking why its ok to joke that a toddler is going to be a ladies man when he grows up. Start by asking why child beauty pagents even exist. Start by looking at how your religion teaches and enforces sexuality. Start with comprehensive and age appropriate lessons about the human body and consent with little Suzy so when uncle Bob is being inappropriate at the family reunion she has the knowlege and tools to know whats going on, to assert her boundaries, and the confidence to tell another grownup what's going on.

[aheavenofhell]

Okay okay okay okay, I think it’s time to voice why the Aziraphale hate bothers me so much—and I know I shouldn’t take it personally but—

GODDAMMIT I WILL TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

The way some of the fandom is reacting to Aziraphale leaving is giving very much the same unwelcoming vibes I got trying to make queer friends when I first came out of the closet and church. I was at an impasse, because while yes, the church didn’t accept me and I had to leave it—

I didn’t get accepted there either.

I got long shit talks about Christianity and how Christian love is really just hate and etc etc and the thing is, the thing is—

They didn’t realize! You don’t realize! People who didn’t grow up devoutly religious don’t realize! When you are reared one way, born surrounded by people telling you one thing is the Ultimate Truth and if you question or disobey you LITERALLY GO TO HELL AND BURN FOREVER you end up with some not so good beliefs/choices! Because you, remember, whole-heartedly believe that anything else is eternal punishment.

And I’m not out here trying to justify everything Christians do or anything like that, that’s not my point. My point is that as a little girl I was taught Abraham was right for trying to kill Isaac, and the belief that he wasn’t was a secret I kept in my chest whenever I heard the story, because I was afraid of literal divine retribution.

All these things I was taught, all these things repeated over and over again in my ears over the course of most of my life, have had a huge impact on how I behave to this day, even if I don’t necessarily believe the same things anymore. Because you don’t just get to live in that kind of fear and anxiety and shame for that long and come out unscathed.

And it is very, very hard not to go back. I think a lot of people don’t realize this about escaping a certain belief system. It’s fucking hard not to revert back to what has, despite it’s inherent discomfort, become comfortable. To accept the fact that you spent the majority of your life dedicated to the wrong thing. Do you know how painful it is to realize that? The sense of purpose you lose?

So yeah. I understand Aziraphale’s decision. I understand being uncomfortable in the grey. I understand still believing there’s a way to be Good with the capital G. Probably above all that I understand wanting to fix things. Ha! That’s what I said as a police explorer at 14. There’s even a little news clip of me, somewhere on the web, saying just that. I want to change things from the inside, I told the local reporter. I want to be a good cop.

And it took me a little bit to realize that that wasn’t something I could take on. That my anger over the injustice happening at the hands of police officers would not be resolved by becoming a police officer that Doesn’t Do That. That I couldn’t right their wrongs just by simply being the good one.

I still believe in trying to do the right thing. I still believe there’s some universal rights and wrongs, albeit only a few. But I’ve learned, over a very slow period of time, to look into those grey areas. To abandon the black and white.

Aziraphale is on his way to figuring that out too. But man, that shit is hard.

[lillunna]

-Maybe In Another Lifestream-

Biggs ONESHOT

TW: spoilers for ff7 remake and rebirth and ANGST mainly for the loveless scene in rebirth. uses lyrics from "no promises to keep"

note: most all my works are for AFAB since its what i know what to write but if requested ill try, also im not the greatest writer just thought biggs needs more love this is also just a test oneshot so short. im terrible at spelling and gammer expect the worst

songs listened to while writing:

lacy by olivia rogrigo

almost (sweet music) by hozier

no promises to keep

my star (pealeaf ver)

better off without me by Matt hansen

Fantasmas by Humbe

"I won't say that it was fate, I won't say that it was destiny."

I sit next to Tifa and hold her hand as we watch Aerith perform her song using the VR, both Tiffa and I teary eyed after watching jessies performance for the first time. As I listen to to her voice i think back to my time with jessie, wedge, and Biggs.

"Till the day that we meet again, Where or when I wish i could say but believe, know that you'll find me."

I remember how I first met Biggs back in sector 5 in the abandon church, I waited for Aerith as small child came in and kept me company till he came in I remember the relief that washed over his face when he saw the child safe. He even walked me to my home in sector 7 since he was headed in that direction, there was never a moment he wasn't a gentlemen. Already being acquainted with Tifa just made us closer.

Seventh heaven two months before the pillar fell

"You gonna make or are you gonna continue to make us all suffer through your puppy love crush on Biggs?" Jessie teases me as she watches me watch biggs I sigh at her teasing jokes knowing she means well "jess its not that simple I don't wanna ruin our friendship" I say quietly right as Biggs and wedge walk towards us. Oh how i wish i just told him the truth but how could I know what would happen.

Seventh Heaven one month before the pillar fell

Wedge had locked Biggs and I in the Seventh Heaven storage closet, Biggs stood over me trying to give me space but given the lack of room in the closet, close proximity was inevitable. "uh sorry I can't really move any further" biggs says as he places his hands against the door my back was to "no its fine I understand" i say as I avoid making eye contact. It had been 10 minutes since wedge left us in this awkward state "Hey I was wonderi-" right before Biggs could finish Wedge pushed the door open sending biggs and I forward falling to the ground when i open my eyes i see biggs face inches from my own and myself on top of biggs my face immediately flushing before I can say anything i here the click of a camera and I turn to see Jessie holding a camera "JESSIE!" both Biggs and I yelled. I still can't believe Jessie got Wedge in on her plan.

Biggs apartment one week before the pillar fell

After a rough run with some fiends I sit on Biggs bathroom counter as he cleans some scraps on my knees when he gets to a deep gash on my thigh he tried to get a shard of glass causing me to yelp in pain. "hold on a little longer pretty girl" Biggs says focused on the gash "pretty gir- FUCK BIGGS!" I try to question him but he pours a little alcohol on the wound causing me bite my lip hard as he finishes patching me up he looks at my now bleeding lip like he wanted to say something but stops himself. Why didn't I say something?

Topside two days before the plate fell

Jessie handed us parachutes one for cloud and wedge to share and one for Biggs and I to share saying that she feared I'd get lost and that Biggs would watch out for me, maybe this was her way of trying to make up for that awkward dinner with her mother and having Biggs act like her boyfriend. After we jumped down I can't help but admire the beautiful view "Its gorgeous" I quietly say and I hear Biggs agree not knowing we were talking about different views. After we finally land it was just our luck we were tangled in the parachute after a few minutes of struggling we lay there laughing at our predicament it was like an unspoken agreement to just enjoy the moment. What I would give to relive that night.

Sector 7 right before the plate would fall

It was chaos, Tifa had gone to wall market Cloud was still missing everyone was running all neighborhood watch members and Avalanche were either evacuating people or going to the plate control tower. Biggs sees me and grabs me and pulls me close "evacuate as many people as you can and get away from here." he says as he looks at me before grabbing the back of my neck and pull me into a kiss i immediately kiss back fearing the moment he pulls away. When he pulls away I look at him understanding he didn't think he was coming back to me "promise me you'll make it out safely?" I say to him as he looks at me with sorrow in his eyes but doesn't respond "Biggs please promise me!" I can't help but raise my voice in desperation he closes his eyes before silently nodding "I promise I'll make it back to you always" Biggs ran towards the control tower and I lost a piece of myself in that moment knowing the truth. I didn't see him again till I followed Cloud up the tower I fell to my knees next to him as Cloud left us be, tears welled in my eyes "hey pretty girl don't cry" Biggs says in a hushed tone as he brushes the tears away. "you promised Biggs you can't leave me alone, we can get you out of here please" I say as i place my hand on his he only gives me a sad face and shakes his head before kissing me one last time and he calls to one of the neighborhood watch men telling them to get me to safety I refuse and try to pull away from them as they try to take me away from Biggs. "Im not leaving you alone Biggs! please just a little longer" they comply with my request till they decide we can't stay any longer they forcibly remove me taking me to safety. I should have stayed with him.

"take my hand and believe we can be together evermore."

Once Aerith Finishes her song green mist appears and in the corner of my eyes I swear I see him, I look again and see Biggs standing there smiling at me. "still my pretty girl." as i take my glasses off I smile sadly as tears drip down my face "always and forever your pretty girl"

So Uh yeah my first ever oneshot mind you this is prob badly written because its almost 3 am and my laptop crashed while I was writing it so i got a little lazy about editing

[m34gs]

What is a belief you had as a child that you no longer have? Why did that belief change?

Hi hi! Thank you for the ask! So sorry to have kept you waiting; I was working a stretch and it left me too tired to put in the effort I wanted to for this ask so I waited until I had a day off! Some of my answer gets a bit heavy, so I will put that part under a cut in case anyone wants to skip it. 💜

Some of this hurts a little to admit, but I think maybe it's good to put into words. When I was a child, I believed what I needed most in life was the approval and praise of my family. I thought that as long as I had that, I would be able to live a happy life.

That is not true. It was never true. And I didn't truly realize it until I fully moved away from the town I grew up in, when I was 23. In the middle of a the pandemic.

I had been in the closet about being queer, and I never imagined I'd be able to be open about it. I was only just starting to explore my love of horror and horror movies more fully. I was under the impression that I needed to attend church to be a good person. When I moved away, I got to be unapologetically gay in my own home. I could watch whatever movies I wanted without fear that my father would walk in and complain about how gross and bad they were...you know, he honestly tried to tell me that children cartoons I watched when I was younger were the reason I had nightmares and that Ninja Turtles (yes, the teenage mutant ninja turtles. crime-fighting turtles, a completely fantastical thing that I not only knew wasn't real but that was a massive source of comfort and joy to me when I felt really alone) were the reasons I was a sinner. I stopped going to church (partly because of the pandemic) and I realized I felt so much better when I didn't worry about other people judging me or fitting into their little mould of what is "good".

And I realized what a shitty way I was treated by my father. He's not wholly a bad person; I always feel the need to preface it with that. He does good things. He can be kind. He's just a person, not evil or pure, and unfortunately he directed a lot of his unkindness toward me. I realized I don't need him. I don't need his approval. I don't even need my mother's approval. I need no one's approval but my own. Yeah, it stings if they judge me or don't like what I'm doing, but when it comes down to it, this is my life. I realized I don't need to stress about impressing distant cousins at the family reunions, and that I don't need to tolerate the bigotry of some of my father's family. (My mother says maybe it's good I don't go to the reunions on my dad's side as much, not because she doesn't want me there, but because she hears how other people talk and she doesn't like it and she knows the things they say would upset me for sure. She's right. If I'd gone to the past few, I absolutely would've gotten in a fight, and given my newer attitude of "if you're gonna be stupid, you'd better be tough/fuck around and find out, bitch" toward people who think they can just spout whatever hate they want, I am not sure it wouldn't have been a fist-fight.)

Funnily enough, while my father can definitely tell there's a change, he doesn't meet me with the hostility and rage I was expecting. Not sure if that's a testimony of his therapy sessions and anger management courses, or if mother told him how close I came to fully cutting him off, or if my confidence scares him. Maybe it's all three. I kind of hope he is scared of me. Call me petty, but I lived in fear of him for 23 years. He can learn to fear the monster he fucking created :)

Thanks for the ask, and sorry this got a little more soul-baring than I initially intended💜💜

[void-ink-studios]

Unusual Featers

Have some original writing that I submitted to a magazine, as I lie here trying to recover from a sinus infection.

Enjoy y'all.

Word Count: 4,100

How closely do you pay attention to the “people” that surround you? Do you know how many times you’ve passed by Something and just didn’t notice It?

Would you even spare a glance if you walked past something with eyes just a bit too big, or smiled with too many teeth? Do you think you’d notice if a voice reached your ears just a fraction of a second after their lips finished moving, or if their footsteps left no tracks and made no sounds? What if someone’s reflection was ever so slightly delayed, or they didn’t cast a shadow?

It’s something I’ve been thinking about for most of my life, ever since I first started to notice Them.

I want to say it just… started happening one day. That, once upon a time, my life was normal, and then it suddenly wasn’t. Starting this story like it was normal might give you the wrong impression, that this story might end neatly, with a nice bow on top. But normalcy was never a luxury they afforded me.

Every day, I wake up and hope to whatever god may be out there that they’d give me a break, for just one day. And every day, I’m punished for it.

All my life, I’ve noticed things. My crime was that I tried to point them out.

I first noticed there was something that stood in the linen closet in my childhood home, just barely hiding its form in the shadows cast by the slats in the door. It liked to use my parent’s voice, calling to me.

Then it was the eyes and mouths in the bright flowers outside my school, hidden amongst the pink and red petals, watching me, whispering. Their gaze always followed me, either unblinking, or blinking sideways.

Then it was the invisible man who hid in the church bathroom, who I could barely see in the mirror glass. He liked to touch me on the back of my neck and shoulders, I could feel the calluses on his fingertips, ones used to the rough wood of the ceiling beams high above the pews.

I don’t think they wanted to be noticed. I don’t know if they really understood I couldn’t help it, not when they kept watching, calling, touching me. I sometimes think back and wonder if I had just let them then… maybe they wouldn’t feel the need to punish me.

The thing in the linen closet’s words became a lot harsher when I begged my mom to look. The flower’s gaze became much more piercing when I ripped a bouquet of them up to show a teacher. The man in the bathroom’s grip was a lot tighter when I tried to tell the preacher.

No one else seemed to notice them.

I remember seeing a lot of doctors. I remember my mother asking where she went wrong and my father shaking his head mumbling how I wasn’t right. I remember being handed pills, lots of pills, pills of so many colors and sizes. And the doctors would ask me the same question.

“Sam, do you still ‘notice’ things?”

I was honest, at first, when the doctor had a kind smile and a gentle voice.

“Of course I do. But they don’t like it when I talk to people about them.” I wrung my hands together. I could see the bugs crawling in the doctor’s hair.

She gave me a sad smile.

“Sam, we can’t help you get better if you don’t talk about them. Don’t you want to get better? You have to try for me.”

I looked anywhere but at her. Anywhere but the bugs with human eyes on their backs.

“Sam. Look at me.”

I shook my head.

“Sam. Now.”

I never liked it when her voice dropped to that tone. “Please, no…”

“Sam, why can’t you look at me?”

“Because I don’t want to look at the bugs crawling in your hair!”

The doctor said she couldn’t help me anymore. I didn’t want to get better, apparently. The new doctor didn’t smile, and he wouldn’t look up from his clipboard as he kept asking me the same questions. He yelled a lot more. Gave me more pills.

The pills made me feel sick. They told me they were supposed to make me stop noticing things. But, I still saw them, standing at the foot of my bed, or watching me from the doorway.  Laughing at me.

The pills would work eventually, if I just wanted to be better hard enough. I wasn’t trying hard enough, although I’m not sure how I was meant to try and not see.  That’s what they told me, anyway.

“Sam, do you still ‘notice’ things?”

“...No sir.”

I stuck to the pills that made me the least sick, and just tried to keep the doctor happy.

Things almost felt normal after that. Take the pill, lie to the doctor, smile at my parents, and live. I made friends. I started to write, never about them though. Not when they moved to the shadowy corner of my room, daring me to do something about it. I’m not even sure if they ever forgave me in the first place, now that they knew I was looking back.  At some point they just became part of my nightly routine, unmoving, unblinking.

I thought I had left them behind when I finally moved away. A newspaper in the nearby city decided they liked my style, and bought me a one way train ticket. I thought- hoped- I had finally escaped. They could stay in my house, in the church, among the corn fields. And I’d be too far away to notice them. Win-win, right?

I don’t know why I thought I’d ever get to be that lucky.

Everything was fine at first. I finally got to stop taking the pills. It was the first thing I did when I moved in, dumping those awful pills down the sink. This was my new start, in a new job, in a new city, where I was just Sam, the Business and Economy editor. The only thing I noticed were typos and formatting errors that Mindy would make on her articles. The streets were busy, alive, but none of it was looking at me. It was perfect.

Until one of them walked past me.

It was on one of those busy city roads, where the people were packed together and walking past each other like ants. I felt occasional brushes of fingers and shoulders, but none of the eyes on me. The sky smelled wet, heavy with rain, with cigarette smoke wafting in the air from the alley. The rhythm of the streets had become a soothing background song, one I much preferred to the still silence of home.

The thing that walked past me was slouched. It tucked itself away in a ratty old coat, a wool hat pulled as far down its head as possible, but the wind made that tricky. I had looked up, on a chance, to see the hat swept away in the breeze. I had only just managed to catch it, waving it over my head like a flag as the figure seemed content with going on without it.

“Sir! Sir, your hat!”

It stopped. It turned its head toward me, tilting slightly. My bones ached for a moment as it slowly walked up to me, taking its hat back.

Our eyes locked. It turned its head, smiled, and then went on its way.

It was the smile. It was too wide. I know some people smile with their cheeks, they use all the space on their face. But that wasn’t what this was. Its smile stretched past what I was pretty sure was possible. Past its cheeks, the corners of the mouth encroaching near its eyes. And there was nothing behind the grin. Nothing at all.

I stopped, watching it walk away, amongst everyone. And no one noticed it. It got to slink around the corner, and vanish, and no one else noticed it.

I’m not sure how long I stood there, looking at the street corner it disappeared behind. I think a few people cursed at me as they shoved past. I felt my legs threaten to buckle.

I retreated into an alley. I could hear the blood rushing through my ears, my heart thudding in my chest and rattling my skull. I gripped my sweater, knuckles turning white.

I tried to think. Recall what the doctors liked to say.

“What you’re seeing is just your brain projecting the delusions onto the real. They’re not real. They don’t exist.”

“They’re not real. They don’t exist. They’re not real. They don’t exist.”

I tried to see the reason. Maybe the light just cast strange shadows on the face to make the smile look larger? Maybe the man just had one of those strange faces that had a bit wider a mouth and I just overreacted.

I breathed. In. Out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Count the seconds between breaths.

I pushed myself off the alley wall. I looked up and down the street, at the people passing by. No one noticed me looking, no one looked back, aside from the strange looks a smoker gave me when I came flying in.

I paid him no mind. I dusted myself off, feeling my heart in my chest settle.

“They’re not real. They don’t exist.”

I didn’t need to spend any longer dealing with my own nonsense. I probably had a stack of papers to edit by now, no time to spare. I seamlessly rejoined the march of the sidewalk. I was safe in the crowd.

I was safe.

It was almost two weeks before I saw another one, this time in a grocery store. It wasn’t a particularly nice one, the floor was sticky and the lights gave off an annoying buzz. But it was familiar to me now. It all just melted into the background as I lazily trailed up and down the aisles, humming nonsense.

It looked like a woman this time, in a pretty little flower dress. It reminded me of a girl I once knew in college, one that made smiling easy and my chest relax. It was looking at something on the top shelf, a bag of chips.

I’m decently tall, why not be polite?

“Need any help, Miss?”

It jumped a little, turning its head to look at me. It recovered quickly, and smiled a perfectly average smile. Then it reached up.

It didn’t break eye contact with me as its arm extended about a foot too long to grab the brightly colored bag. It just kept smiling. It returned its arm to its side, perfectly even with the other as it turned a corner and disappeared into another aisle.

I went home immediately after that. I had considered abandoning my cart and running home, but I wasn’t going to let it see me panic. I didn’t see it again, either in another aisle or even in check out.

“They’re not real. They don’t exist. They’re not real. They don’t exist.”

I tried to reason again, but it was harder this time. Maybe I… just misjudged her height? Maybe she was taller than I thought and she was perfectly capable of reaching things for herself?

That didn’t explain the eye contact. The little smile. The knowing smile. Was she just telling me to go away, in her own, creepy way?

I didn’t know. The explanation didn’t sit well in my belly when I went to bed that night. I ordered a new prescription of pills the very next morning. I dreaded the return of the head fog and nausea, but at least it would help me stop noticing them, right? I think I knew I was lying to myself the second I called the pharmacy.  They told me it’d be ready the next day.  I told them that would be perfect.

I had hoped they’d give me the courtesy of waiting a few more days before appearing again.

I didn’t even get 24 hours.

It was my day off, I just wanted to walk in the park. There was a little section off the hiking path, a spot along a creek, under a shady tree with a bird house. It was my little place to relax. My spot to listen to the birds and the creek, and trace my fingers against the shadows cast to the grass.

There was something in my place that day.

I hesitated for a moment. Then I remembered the pills and breathed a small sigh. I didn’t mind sharing the little section of the creek, it’s not like I owned the park. I gave a polite smile as I sat down with my lunch.

“Beautiful day today, yeah?”

It seemed a little startled by my voice, jumping just a little. It turned to look at me, smiling, shrugging its shoulders. It wouldn’t have looked too out of place in the writer’s room at my office. Smart suit, nice shoes, expensive looking watch, hair thinning on the top. I idly wondered if I had edited anything for him.

It stood and stared at me for a few moments. Waiting for something. I’m not sure what it wanted, and I didn’t figure it out before it left.

My place at the creek was shady. The tree provided a nice shelter from the hot sun. But the day was bright and clear, not a cloud in the sky.

So then why didn’t the thing that walked away cast a shadow?

It was hard to notice when it stood under the tree, the shadows laced together in a chaotic web. But it didn’t cast a shadow, even in broad daylight. I even checked, after it left, I looked at my shadow stretched across the grass.

It didn’t cast a shadow.

“They’re not real.”

I cast a shadow, and I stood in the exact same spot.

“They don’t exist.”

There were no clouds in the sky.

“They’re not real.”

There was no reason it shouldn’t cast a shadow.

“They don’t… exist…”

I felt the words die in my throat the more I said them. I went home, prescription in hands, and I took two pills.  I curled under my bed covers as I felt the fog settle over my mind.

I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t, not when I could feel one of them watching me from my window.

I didn’t turn over to look at it. That’d just make it angrier. I tried not to writhe as I felt the gaze tracing my body up and down, examining every detail, despite my attempts to hide under the covers. I heard it laugh.

They vanished for a few days after that. I still felt the eyes through my bedroom window, but if I kept my back to that wall, I could at least pretend it wasn’t there.

Things were quiet for nearly a week. Nearly one, merciful week.  Maybe the pills had finally worked.

It was the sixth day after my observer first appeared that I saw more than one in a day.

I had stopped being polite in hopes I wouldn’t encounter any more of them. I didn’t speak to people, certainly didn’t maintain eye contact for longer than brief moments. I hadn’t expected them to approach me.

It was a simple tap on my shoulder. I was waiting for my bus, hunched over the bench, when a finger tapped on my shoulder.

I looked up. And there was nothing looking back at me.

Its eyes swallowed the light around us. I could see my own reflection in the round black mirrors, ones just a bit too large for its head.

It smiled at me, and I lurched up and out of my seat.

I looked around. There were people sitting next to me, one man smoking a cigarette. They all stared at me. Not the thing with pieces of black glass in place of eyeballs. At me.

I looked at it. It just kept smiling.

“...Kid, are you okay?”

I whirled around, facing the man with the cigarette. He had this flat, stern look to his face, one that reminded me of an annoyed principal. But I could at least tell he was human.

I looked at the thing behind the bench.

“D-Do you… notice anything… weird? Anything about her?”

I hated the warble in my voice. The pitiful little trip up, it made me feel tiny. It felt like I was back to the wriggling. The man raised an eyebrow at me, flicking his gaze between it and me.  His face made a disapproving scowl, one I flinched under.

“That ain’t a polite thing to say about a lady, son.  Mind your business.”

The thing looking at me just kept smiling.

“...I… I guess not…  I’m sorry…”

The second one didn’t approach me, but it didn’t have to. I noticed it, from a mile away. It was waiting for me. It just smiled, just like the others and waved. Waved at me with fingers too long, bent at impossible angles, before disappearing into the crowd, just like the first I saw all those weeks ago.

They were getting bolder, I knew they were.

My nighttime observer had friends now, apparently. I heard them crunching the leaves outside my house as they walked around. But one was always posted by my window. Always a set of eyes on me.

I paced around my house for hours, locking and unlocking and relocking the windows. Pulling them, pushing them, tapping on the glass. Just to be sure.

Just to be sure.

I could hear them messing with the windows. The small clunk as they tried and failed to open them. They’re waiting for me to mess up. My pacing was at least not for nothing.

I saw them everywhere.

On the streets, following me home.

At my favorite take out restaurant, trying to slip something into my food.

At my workplace, trying to get me fired.

They’re everywhere. Watching. Smiling. Laughing. Laughing at me.

I finally called the police when I heard one of them scraping at my front door. I had had enough. They were getting too bold, too sure that they had me cornered, like a pitiful little injured animal.

I nearly cried when they didn’t find anything. No evidence of anyone being near my home. Not even foot prints. But I could see them. Watching me, through the tree line, I could see them. I could see them smiling.

I begged the police to look again, to please look a little closer.  That I knew someone was there, watching me, trying to break in.

I didn’t mean to grab the policeman's arm.  But he made certain I knew that if I called again, it’d be me in handcuffs.

I was never one to think too much about guns. I knew my father owned one, one he used to hunt deer that tried to eat the corn. It was loud, it nearly broke my hand when he made me learn to shoot it. I didn’t think too much about it after I moved.

I thought myself silly for not thinking of it, now that I clutched a rifle in my hands as I huddled in my bedroom corner. I could hear them tapping on the windows.

My coworkers noticed my deteriorating state, I think. I was getting sloppy. Making mistakes. Snapping at people.

My boss, as well intentioned as she was, doomed me. Put me on mandatory vacation for a few days. “Just get some rest,” she said. “Mindy says you’ve been giving her weird looks all day.”

Mindy was one of them, I knew she was. I always thought her legs seemed to bend in the wrong direction.

I don’t remember what I said to her, only that I was told very firmly by security to leave before police were called. I don’t know why I wasn’t fired on the spot.

I barricaded my doors. I hadn’t moved from the bedroom in three days. I kept the gun clutched to my chest until my knuckles were white. I could hear them tapping. Never ending tapping.

My eyelids were so heavy. I was hungry. I hadn’t slept in days.

I was weak.

I was so very weak.

I don’t remember closing my eyes, but I must’ve at some point. I know that, because I opened them staring into something I couldn’t explain.

It was on my bed on top of me. It was vaguely human shaped, sitting on my chest, perched like a gargoyle. Its knees were tucked under its chin, its hands resting atop them. Its fingers danced like they were playing an invisible keyboard.

They had found a way in. I don’t know how, but they found a way in. 

I looked up into its face. Or, I tried at least.

I had the sensation that I was seeing something I absolutely should not have seen. The face of a divinity I don't worship, the smile of a devil I had never believed in. Trying to look at its face directly gave me a splitting migraine, my eyes diverting to one side or the other.

My eyes flicked around. They were all standing there. Still, like store mannequins, but smiling. Unblinking. Unmoving. But still smiling. There were dozens, all crammed into my room.

I tried to scream.

The thing on my chest snapped one of its hands to my mouth, the scream dying in my throat. Its body barely moved at the sudden motion.  It covered my mouth and nose, my eyes widening as it started to squeeze.

It tilted its head at me. Slowly, precisely, it brought its other hand to its smiling lips.

“Shhh.”

That was the last thing I noticed before the black spots overcame my vision.

I awoke the next morning, still on my bed. My room was empty, undisturbed. My barricade was still there. My gun was kicked across the room.

There was a feeling, deep down in my bones, that something was wrong. Deeply, fundamentally wrong. My skin wasn’t mine anymore, my teeth had been replaced, my fingers had been plucked off and replaced by duplicates so precisely there weren’t scars.

I looked in the mirror. I searched for what was wrong, there had to be something wrong, I could feel it. Were my eyes a different, unsettling color? Did my teeth look too small? Something was wrong, I knew something was wrong, but my eyes refused to focus on it.

I needed air. Fresh air, despite everything.

I bundled myself in as many layers as I could, I tried to cover every inch of my warped flesh and face.

I took a walk. I didn’t know where to, I just needed to walk. I tried to keep my head down, draw as little attention to myself as I could.

But… As I walked, I noticed something. No one was looking at me. I nearly crashed into several people, and they acted like they hadn’t seen me.

Could they see me?

Was I… unnoticed?

I stood in the middle of the sidewalk. I tried to say hello. I waved, I yelled, I made an idiot of myself.

They all walked past me, looked through me, couldn’t hear me.

My mind reeled.

This was what I wanted, wasn’t it? To not be noticed? No one would notice what was wrong with me, no one would tell me to shut up or give me pills ever again.

I felt free.

For the first time in my life, I felt free to exist.. Was this what they all felt? Where were they, anyway? They had been following me for weeks, and now… nothing.

I haven’t seen any of them again, even after a month of me dancing through life. I waited for the other shoe to drop, there was no way my punishment was over, right? And yet… nothing.

I sat down and took a breath. I looked across the river, leaning against a tree.

And then I saw him. Or, more accurately, he saw me.

He stared. He looked horrified.

He saw me. He noticed me.

I don’t know what he saw. Something on me, something about me, I didn’t know and it didn’t matter. Because he saw something.

He noticed things too.

No. No, I was not going back to this, not after a taste of freedom. I didn’t want to be noticed again. I refused to be noticed again.

I don’t know how long I followed him. But I saw him disappear into a house. Perfect.

I knew where to find him later.

[angel-feathers-tickling]

(positivity post about losing my virginity and overcoming internalized homophobia)

ok, I've been trying to word this and kept deleting drafts, so I'm just gonna ramble, ok? ok

so like, I was raised extremely homophobic and self-hating, it took a bajillion years to get over, blah blah blah

but then even afterwards, I felt like I was years behind everyone else. the american education system, or at least the school I went to, didn't teach anything about sex beyond penis-in-vagina procreation. it didn't even mention other kinds of sex, or the fact gay people existed, let ALONE how they had sex

but I spent my whole life avoiding learning ANYTHING about sex, and punishing myself if I did. so trying to seek out information was really, really hard, and I had to constantly fight the Religious Guilt (TM) even to masturbate

the only people who actually knew enough about sex and were comfortable enough to talk about it with me, were my two asexual friends (unsurprisingly)

suffice to say, I was really scared to actually have sex for the first time. I imagine most people are, but there were a lot of extra layers to it for me. what if I had an anxiety attack in the middle of it? what if the religious guilt ruined my weeklong trip with my friend? what if the homophobic bullshit about being gay being "just a phase" was true, and I didn't like it? what if I got too embarrassed and chickened out? what if the AROPHOBIC bullshit my church taught was true and someone "caught feelings?"

but, now I feel like a weight has been lifted off my heart, because none of that happened.

it was really awesome! I loved tickling, it was just as fun and sexy as I imagined it to be, I loved grinding and giving little kisses all over, and I even liked doing some light slapping (requested by my friend).

and more importantly, I realized something about all my previous "sexual experiences" (roleplay and even my online posting), which is that I felt like I needed to put on an act. specifically, like I needed to mask in order to be "sexy" or desirable to anyone

but that just wasn't the case at all, because I was with a fellow autistic friend who I knew closely and shared all my interests. we rewatched youtube videos while fucking and would pause to quote along with them. my friend would explicitly ask for things and then explicitly ask if there was anything I wanted to try. no undertones, no metaphors, no pushy "suggestive" tone, just asking. it made me comfortable enough to try things and have fun!

I experienced varying levels of "drop" (I think it's called?) after each session, but my friend reminded me to drink water and would get food and we'd do something comforting and familiar afterwards. and that's really awesome and really helped internalize the idea that sex is totally normal, actually, and not some Sacred Activity Only Meant For God

and then on the last day, I tried receiving cunniligus, and it was really really nice!! not in the "overwhelming pleasure" way (though it was very pleasurable), but in the way that after it was over, I actually felt like all my built-up tension was gone.

anyway I'm back with my homophobic family now but it was really nice to be out of the closet for a week and get some fresh air. soon I'll get out for good and I can continue being happy and comfortable in my own exact sexuality, with all my likes and dislikes.

[audacityinblack]

they say I'm good at advocating for myself.

what they don't know is that i've had to learn to do it since i knew how to talk.

i had to do it for myself because nobody else wanted to do it for me. i was the loud, annoying, inconvenient child who got in the way of football games and drinking with friends and work and nights spent at the bar with strange men and a man's God-given right to beat his wife

i was the disruptive child who kept everyone else from learning so I had to be put elsewhere until elsewhere became a closet with blue carpeting.

i was the disobedient child who didn't use my intelligence to follow rules so i just needed to be beaten and put in time out more.

i was the naive child who didn't know anything about the real world so i just needed to be put in my place.

i was the needy child who wouldn't stop crying out to adults to protect me so I just had to be locked in a supply room at church.

i had to learn to advocate for myself because everyone else just wanted me to go away.

but i'm not advocating for myself. not really.

what i'm doing is begging for someone else to want me here enough to speak up on my behalf.

[followingtheladyofthesacredflame]

Omg!! How did you get into working with different deities? How do you make it work with the Bible and how was God's reaction to it?? Would love to know !!❤️

Hi! <3 Thanks for the ask. Long answer inbound so be warned lol.

So I grew up Catholic, baptized, raised, and confirmed. When I was a kid, I always preferred praying alone or in nature - I had a little prayer corner (basically an altar) in my closet and I loved chatting with God by the rosebushes we had. I never liked the idea that your relationship to God, Mary, Jesus, the saints, etc., had to be dictated by the strict rules of the modern church, so I fell out of regular practice but still prayed in my own ways.

I have also always had a fascination with the natural world, the supernatural, and the occult, and done things I couldn't really explain with just Catholicism. I collected crystals even though I didn't really believe they did anything special. I collect figurines of dragons and pretty daggers and things, especially those with Celtic knot designs (for heritage reasons). I had a set of tarot cards and runes that I loved using even though I told myself I was just doing it for fun - and yet every time I used them, I was encouraged and given accurate advice. Beyond this, I've also always been creative. I find myself drawn to creating stories about fire, power, deep space, and the meaning of humanity.

About a year ago, I had an extremely strong desire to use my tarot cards. I wasn't entirely sure why, but it felt necessary in the same way that prayer felt necessary. When I did finally get out my deck, on a whim, I asked if anyone was reaching out. I'd been seeing more and more "witchtok" and similar content on social media, so it was on my mind. I got a definitive "yes," but was also told to figure out who it was on my own.

So I did more research and found Brigid, and it just felt like coming home. It was such a strangely calming and welcoming feeling, like sinking into a warm bath. Things about me and my life suddenly made way more sense and I felt instantly more connected to my faith than I ever had before. She's the patron of poets, a fire goddess, and a goddess of healing and motherhood, among other things, all of which resonated with me in terms of my history, my values, and my interests.

Obviously, this caused a bit of a crisis, as I still believed in God and was worried about the idea of being seen as sinful for practicing witchcraft, so I went to the Big Man about it directly. I went to my church and spent some time praying alone in a quiet room and again, I had that warm, welcoming feeling. It felt right. When I finally dipped my toes in and made my altar, I was so comfortable and happy that I kept going without question.

Since then, I've been learning about folk Catholicism and Christian witchcraft, and the more I learn, the better I feel about my faith and the more connected to my world, heritage, and deities I feel. I've grown to have a relationship with other deities and spirits as well. I think of it as simply having a different way of believing - I don't worship any particular deity above any other, I just give them each the respect they deserve and see them as powerful partners and friends.

As for how it all works with the Bible...as controversial of a take as this is, I take most direct phrasing from the Bible with a big pinch of salt. I can't read Hebrew or Greek, so I have to rely on translations, and all translations are bound to be biased to some degree. I also don't fully understand the cultural context of the original text, so it would be impossible for me to pick up on the nuance and wordplay used by the original authors to convey their meaning. I see the Bible as a resource, but not a textbook if that makes sense.

All of that being said, I don't believe the passages referencing the banning of witchcraft are talking about all magic but instead specific magical practices of the time that were either dangerous or immoral. I also recognize the commandment "You shall have no other gods before Me" as saying that the Abrahamic God prefers to be worshipped as the creator and powerful being that He is, not as just another deity in a pantheon. This to me doesn't read as "there are no other gods and you're not allowed to believe in them anyway" so much as "respect Me for my place as the creator of all things, then respect the other gods as champions of their domains."

[daisydays-26]

I feel compelled to make this post for whatever reason so here it goes. This is a really personal post (i mention homophobia and anxiety) so if you don’t want to come to my blog for that content feel inclined to ignore this.

So, I’m really young. I’m 19 (at the time of writing this) and until very recently I thought I was straight. Yes, until April of this year I was in the closet to even MYSELF, which there’s no problem with, of course. Everyone discovered themselves at their own time.

I, however, have grown up in a very Christian household in the south section of the good ole USA. You can imagine how most gay people are treated behind closed doors. That’s not to say people are getting rampantly abused or outcast where I’m from, but I did have to grow up with lots of homophobia and transphobia as of recently being spit out from my parents (mostly my mom).

That’s scary. I used to always feel bad when it was said but now when it’s me they talk about without knowing… It’s different. Additionally, being Christian doesn’t help. I love God, always will. I consider myself a Christian despite being queer and I always will. I always thought the LGBTQ community should be welcome in the church. Why would God turn away his own children from his word? He wouldn’t.

Nevertheless I’m scared for my future. Nervous is closer to how I feel. I worry about losing my parents and such. Religious guilt. There was a time very recently where I overly worried about my relationship, about being a “sinner,” and a disappointment. All these feelings got jumbled up and it lead to a lot of anxiety. I overthought everything thinking about the future and what could happen. I was crying in class it was so bad.

In fact, my August kind of sucked bc I was adjusting to moving into my apartment, dealing with a bunch of issues for the new semester, and grappling my new found gayness in one month. It double sucked bc I was originally excited about all of these changes. Oh well.

Having calmed down, I feel way better! I’m sure I’m not the only person dealing with overwhelming anxiety, the social issues that come with being gay, being gay in more conservative situations, or hey even all three! So I just want to share some advice I’ve been thinking about.

Literally, don’t worry about it.

And I don’t mean don’t think about it. These anxieties could very well be for a reason. However, the more I thought about my worries the worse I felt. I was trying to fix a situation that didn’t exists, and my mind kept shutting me down every time. It’s not fair to me. And it’s not fair to you either.

So I forced myself to be in the moment. I can enjoy the wonderful love I’ve found in my queer relationship and with my queer friends. I can enjoy God’s love I find in that too. I can worry about the future when it gets to me.

Life is meant to be lived. It’s not perfect. And sometimes it’s messy. But you have to let it be messy when it’s ACTUALLY messy. You can’t re-vacuum a floor that you just vacuumed bc it COULD get dirty in the future.

I think the best way to say what I’m trying to say, is to think of anxiety as a fire. If you give the fire more oxygen by watching it and thinking about it, it’s gonna grow and get out of control. But if you let the fire just be a fire, and you don’t hold anything to it, it’s eventually going to dwindle out. There’s plenty of factors that randomly spike out anxiety, it’s ensuring you don’t feed into it and let it consume you that’s important.

Idk if this was helpful at all I mostly just wanted to share what I’ve been dealing with. I’m kind of a whole new person now and I feel like she’s worth sharing. I hope this helped someone, especially if you feel like you’re in a very similar situation. Trust me, you’re never alone.

[traunnatized]

For a long time, intentionally or not, I defined myself by my experiences with sexual assault and rape.

I was a victim.

I was a survivor.

I was scarred forever and unsure if it would ever fade.

I spent hours on this blog retraumatizing myself.

I spent hours on this blog healing and processing what had happened to me.

It was the first thing I told every new therapist or psychiatrist.

It stopped me from going to certain places or doing certain things.

None of that was a fault on my part, as far as I'm concerned. It may not have all been healthy but it was all part of my healing process.

I'm still not always okay. That scar is still there, but it's faded. Just like physical scars, it only hurts in certain circumstances and it's more of a twinge or even just an itch rather than the all consuming pain I felt for years every time I poked it or rubbed against it.

I'm still angry. This time 9 years ago exactly, I was getting out of bed and taking a hot shower and scrubbing my skin until it was raw. And then I was trying to shove that experience to the back of my mind because I was already in a terrible place mentally and it would have sent me over the edge to have to process it right away.

It's not that I didn't remember what had happened, but I didn't acknowledge it for what it was.

I beat myself up for a long time after I was finally able to talk about it truthfully. Why didn't I report it? Why didn't I tell anyone? Why didn't I go to the hospital for a rape kit?Why didn't I confront him about what he did when I saw him with mutual friends a few days later? But asking why didn't I do this or that or the other thing doesn't help when it's already done.

I recently read through a bunch of old journals while decluttering and I didn't realize how much I've grown until I was reminded of how I was then. When it happened, I was drowning in self hatred and pain before he even raped me. I was so sure I deserved anything bad that happened to me.

I was in the middle of accepting that I am queer and had started exploring my gender identity. But coming from a conservative Christian family, that clashed with all the beliefs I didn't even know had been lodged deep inside me until I started deconstructing them years after I stopped going to church.

I didn't realize it at the time, but part of why I didn't ask for help was that I felt I deserved it. He called me an "ungrateful dyke bitch." This assault was inextricably linked to my sexual orientation and, in my mind, to that exploration of my gender identity. It was a punishment.

Obviously that wasn't true, but it felt true. It felt inescapable. I just couldn't force myself back in the closet fully, but I stopped exploring gender. I started spiraling. I dropped out of school.

I didn't start processing that assault in earnest for over a year. A year where I had plenty of other problems to focus on and where I made risky choice after risky choice that kept putting me in dangerous situations. I drank almost every day, I smoked weed constantly (which, to be clear, I'm not against weed but it was not healthy for me at that level), I had sex/did sexual things for food or money while staying at friends' houses or in my car because I didn't feel safe at home.

I wanted to be hurt again and I am beyond lucky that I wasn't, at least not to that extent. Not in a way that created new trauma, it just kept bringing up the existing stuff.

Nine years later, I didn't feel like I'd healed until I looked back. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but it's not constant. I don't think I even meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD anymore, though that was a struggle for a long time. I can talk about what happened and then move on. I have a full time job. I drink but 2-3 after work with a friend at the very most and I genuinely have been able to stop when I wanted to (which I do every so often just to make sure I still can). I am actually, genuinely, doing okay.

I had a rough night last night with this anniversary but I survived it. I didn't drink even though I wanted to. I didn't self harm. I did get in a fight with my partner, but we are handling it in a relatively healthy way. I never thought I'd be at this point. And now I am.

It's not easy. It's not linear. I'm sure there will be situations where I don't feel okay again, where all I can think about is what Colton did to me or what happened to me as a child. But for today, somehow, I'm okay.

And I hope you will be too