#I think she’s a victim of manipulation and physical and emotional/verbal abuse

[bitchapalooza]

Isn’t it canon that Russia is abused by her bosses? Like she’s forced to do all this shit or she’ll be punished? Anyway, Russia went from being the victim to the abuser and ngl I’d love to read a whole character analysis for why this is possible but I don’t know psychology enough to write it

[ace-and-the-rpg-horrors]

i feel like some of the fandom is a bit harsh on Monty... like, trauma is definitely not an excuse, but it does give pretty much all of his actions an understandable explanation?

like... Monty was actively being abused by Esther in practically any scene they were together. he said something she didn't like, and she yelled and grabbed him threateningly. both of the times she transformed him, from crow to human and then back again, she literally stabbed and ripped him up in a really gory way.

i sure wonder why an evil witch's familiar who's constantly treated like that would follow her orders even if he disagreed with them!!

and considering that Esther is potentially one of the only humans Monty came into contact with before meeting the others, and she's like that - he turned out alright, didn't he? he's petty, a bit rude sometimes, and takes things personally, but generally, he's a shockingly decent person.

yes, he didn't take it well when Edwin rejected him. but, as others have pointed out - how was Monty genuinely meant to know any better? he had lived his whole life as a crow in a cage too small for him, where the only person he knew was his extremely nasty and cruel owner. and then, all of a sudden, he's forced into a new body and has humanity thrust upon him against his will. he explicitly expressed this discomfort himself when Esther degraded him for getting "too emotional" for her liking.

"i never asked to be human. with all these... feelings."

even after the bitterness of the rejection, Monty never actually wanted to hurt the Dead Boy Detectives. turns out, he didn't even know that Esther's plan intended to end them completely, and was so horrified upon finding out that he made an attempt to lead them to safety, which was, by the way, putting himself at massive risk. Esther already punished him likely under the assumption that he just didn't put enough effort into manipulating them - can you imagine what she'd have done to him if she knew about his last-minute attempt to actually save them?

of course, i don't think Edwin was wrong for not forgiving Monty. he deserved that. Monty still helped in the scheme that aimed to destroy him. he also fully deserved to reject Monty if he wanted to (conversely, i do also see people say that Edwin "could have handled it better," but honestly, i don't know if it's just me not being neurotypical or something, but i genuinely do not see how Edwin could have been nicer about it? he was straightforward and polite, then afterwards, still tried to be Monty's friend until the betrayal.)

however, Monty was still very much a victim himself, and any harm he did was not from his own will, instead motivated by fear of the terrifying witch who had him fully reliant upon her, often through both verbal and physical force. Esther never hesitated to hurt him. he was painfully aware of that. she didn't care about him beyond how useful he could be. and when he failed at that, her reaction was violent.

but he didn't have anyone else.

[bonefall]

the worst parent poll made me realize just how many ppl in the fandom are willing to jump straight into abuse apologia. bc on one hand you have ppl dumbing down crow's abuse to "him just being mean" and on the other end you have ppl saying that curlfeather didnt abuse frostpaw because she sacrificed herself and frost + her siblings love her so she couldnt possibly be an abuser. truly mindboggling stuff take these serious topics away from the fandom asap.

Part of me feels like it's because many in this fandom have a feeling that if a character's actions are abusive, it means you're "not allowed" to like them. Like there's an impulse where if you liked a character, it MUST mean they weren't THAT bad, because you'd personally never like "an abuser."

As if it reflects poorly on your own morality, as a person, that you connected with An Abuser. Understood them, even. Even if it was just a character.

If it's immoral to Like Abusive Characters, of course your reaction is going to end up being abuse apologia. To enjoy something isn't logical, it's emotional, so you will get defensive about it when questioned. When you do, it's not going to be based on logic because you didn't reason yourself into that position in the first place. It's an attack on you as a person.

I feel like that's often the root of abuse apologia in this fandom, and sometimes the world at large; "If I admit that this character/person IS abusive, it means I was doing something bad by liking them, so I have to prove to everyone else that they weren't or it means I'm bad too."

And to that I say... That's a BAD impulse! Grow up and admit you resonated with a character that did a bad thing! If that's an uncomfortable thought, sit with it!

Sometimes abusers are likeable! They usually DO think they're justified in their actions, or doing it for "a good reason," or were just too preoccupied to care. MOST of the time, people who commit abusive actions are also hurt or traumatized in some way. You might even empathize with them. None of this means their actions have to be excused or downplayed.

"Abusers" aren't a type of goddamn yokai, they're people just like you and me. You don't help victims of abuse by putting the people who hurt us in an "untouchable" category.

In fact, all it does is make you less likely to recognize your own controlling behavior. You're capable of abuse. People you love are capable of it, too. People who love YOU can still hurt you.

In spite of how often people regurgitate "It's Ok To Like A Character As Long As You're Critical Of Their Actions," every day it is proven to me further and further that no one who says it actually understands what that means.

All that said; I think it's no contest which one's a worse parent, imo.

They both mistreated their children, but Curlfeather did it through manipulation without verbal or physical abuse. She politically groomed her into a position of power so that she could use her as a pawn. It can be argued if this counts as child abuse-- but it's firmly still under the broad category childhood maltreatment, which is damaging.

(though anon I'm with you 100% at seeing RED when "but she sacrificed herself" is used as an excuse. Curlfeather's death does NOT CHANGE what she did to Frostpaw in life. I think it's a valid point to bring up when comparing her to another terrible parent for judgement purposes, such as in the context of this poll, but I really hate the implication that redemption deaths "make up" for maltreatment.)

Crowfeather, meanwhile, is textually responsible for putting Breezepaw through verbal AND physical abuse, as well as child neglect. His motivations include embarrassment from a hurt ego, revenge on his ex, and being sad because of a dead girlfriend. This abuse drives Breezepelt towards radicalization in the Dark Forest.

You could argue Curlfeather is a worse person for Reedwhisker's murder, but as a parent? It's not even a question to me. Crowfeather's one of the worst dads in WC.

[whispersleo]

MY TASTE IN MEN

This was supposed to be a warm-up meme sketch, but I started writing the comparisons seriously, so here’s the post...

Astarion and Illario

They become "villains"/bad guys as a response to trauma.

They use their beauty and body to deceive and objectify themselves to get what they believe they want.

They have suffered physical, verbal, and emotional abuse that would break anyone.

They don't want to see themselves as victims, nor show—they hate feeling—weakness. They want to be stronger and crave power at any cost.

They display superiority toward others when their entire lives they have been beneath or in someone's shadow.

They have become so accustomed to lying and manipulating that I doubt they even know their true selves.

They approach someone who welcomes them with open arms, all the while thinking about how to use that person.

They fall to pieces if you show them genuine affection and love, what it’s truly meant to be.

They would kill for you.

They are my wet rats; they have no body hair.

I think, after all, they do enjoy sex—it probably involves unconventional things.

What they want and what they need are VERY different things.

I can fix them.

They have a strange relationship with blood.

They would betray you if it meant saving their own lives.

Showing vulnerability is the last thing they want, and strangely, it's what would save both of them from becoming monsters.

I have a weakness for men who try to kill me. You're screaming for me to fix you babe.

This could end very badly or very well.

They are charming and it is easy to fall for their lies instead of seeing beyond that mask.

People see them as "dumb" when they are tremendously intelligent. They may not be textbook smart, but they know how to read people, ask the right questions at the right time, they wait for the opportunity and always analyze the situations they find themselves in. People call them "dumb" because it's easier to accept it instead of the complex idea that a character can be smart but a moron at the same time.

They won't be jerks to you, but they'll probably treat the waitress on the date poorly if she fucks up something.

They are the kind of person who is worth being romantically with, but to get there you have to take off their mask and that in itself is a great effort.

They definitely want to be someone's first choice, for once in their lives.

Deep down, all they want is adoration, love and respect.

I want to hold them and tell them that they deserve to be loved without any ties or conditions to that love.

Gale, Emmrich and Lucanis

They are sweet by nature, kind souls despite all the pain they've been through.

Showing kindness is what makes them strong.

Once they fall in love with you, they are lost.

They have enormous insecurities.

They feel the weight of the world on their shoulders all the time.

Great facial and body hair.

They have a strange relationship with death.

They have a huge heart that yearns to love.

I would feel very proud to introduce them as my partner. Like yes this good man loves me, isn't that amazing?

They have self-destructive tendencies.

It makes me blush to hear them laugh because it’s the most precious sound in the world.

I would feel safe with them around.

They would die for you.

Gale and Emmrich

They are professors, and I DEFINITELY don't feel an incredible attraction toward men who can teach me interesting and unknown subjects in depth (of course, that DOESN'T turn me on).

They are the smartest and kindest in this room.

They love to show and share their studies and knowledge with anyone willing to listen.

They are patient.

They know how to listen.

They offer their opinion when you clearly didn't ask for it.

Too many times they want to help or give advice without being asked.

They've had many partners, but they love you a lot, and that willingness to learn how to love again is one of their most beautiful qualities.

In some strange way, they know how to fight when I think they're meant to be treated with care and delicacy or they'll break (just kidding).

Oh, and by the way, both of them are mages—guess it's sexy that you can do a bunch of magical things...

They are nerds even when it comes to sex and I love that. Of course I don't know anything about anatomy, do you want to explain that to me, professor?

Astarion, Illario and Lucanis

They have killed more people than I should feel comfortable with.

"The hands that cradled your face and tilted it upwards to kiss your forehead are soaked in unfathomable quantities of blood." But they cradled me, yes?

They are trained assassins, and that raises some questions about my own morals.

Why do we kill?

What does it feel like to take a life?

What does it feel like to hold the weapon with which you snatch away the last moments of someone who was as human as you and me, who had desires, fears, aspirations, who didn’t want to die?

What kind of superiority do you think you have to do that and see your target as nothing more than a simple cockroach?

How can you sleep at night?

Do those thoughts torment you, or are your dreams sweet as if you hadn’t done anything wrong?

How do you decide that someone deserves to die, my love?

Would you kill me like you've killed so many if, in some way, you believe I deserve it?

Don’t you think the sins you see in others, in those you kill, are also your own?

I LOVE characters with complex morals, it's so sexy. Yes, baby, kill a few more, let's bathe in the blood of our enemies or anyone who opposes us, let's dance with their corpses, I love you.

I know they are flexible.

Astarion and Emmrich

A date in a cemetery? Sure! Wait, why am I excited to do it on a grave? Ugh, I hope this doesn’t awaken another weird fetish in me...

I can't stop thinking about blood and corpses in a way that's too pleasant.

Their sense of fashion is superior.

They always carry a brush with them, in case they get a little messy in the middle of a fight.

I think both of them can sew pretty well.

They have a strange desire to become some kind of superior being, and that could end very well or very badly.

There’s some strange necromancy here.

They love to read, and that's very cute.

Gale, Illario and Lucanis

Their long hair gives me years of life, I want to run my fingers through it, caress it, comb it, pull it, I love it.

Maybe I like their hair because it's like mine, but either way.

I love drawing them.

Thinking about them makes my brain jump in my skull.

I just want to take away all your pain.

They have been emotionally abused but they cannot recognize themselves as victims, because they feel love for their abuser and the abuser loves them in a horrible way, the way only a mother's love could twist you.

DEFINITELY MOMMY ISSUES.

(This becomes more complex thinking about the relationship between Mystra and Gale / Zara and Illario and Caterina but that needs a whole power point presentation).

Gale and Lucanis

Canonically, they are THE wife material.

They are soft and loving once you’re with them.

They know how to cook and do any domestic task you can think of.

The house/camp is always in perfect condition thanks to them.

They look at you like you are the most precious person in the world.

I want to get them pregnant.

They have the saddest, most puppy-like brown eyes that make you love them instantly.

Their face screams for kisses and affection.

I know that between your arms is the warmest place in the world and that I could fall asleep to the sound of your beautiful heart.

I would distract myself by running my hand through their beards and remove any white hairs I found (without them asking me to).

Lucanis wins points for speaking spanish but Gale also wins points because let's remember that he is a professor.

Astarion, Gale, Illario and Emmrich

Absolutely freaks in bed BUT they can be vanilla if you ask them pretty please.

Lucanis

This man is virgin and demisexual like me so I think I would feel extremely comfortable knowing that there is no pressure to do "it" and that he is a man who values ​​company beyond pleasure, calming one of my biggest insecurities.

Not saying the others here can't value company is just... Yeah just sex isn't for me now. And that has ruined many of my relationships. So it gives me more peace of mind to think that my lover can also be a virgin like me and none of us have that expectation.

I'm not saying that the others here would pressure me to do it either. I don't think any of them would. But I know that they can see it as something important in the relationship and there's nothing wrong with that.

Mph-mph.

Gale

He is MY wife.

I have his name tattooed on my arm like branded cattle and I love it.

I have 500 hours on Baldurs and I always start a game again just to hear him breathe.

His relationship with his ex wouldn't create insecurities in me because I already have them so nothing new.

I fear that this man has taken my expectations to a place that cannot be reached by "real" men and I will die alone bUT happy to have met a fictional character written as beautifully as him.

I want to fall asleep while he reads me a book.

He has a cat that talks and has wings, I love her.

I love men who just can't shut the fuck up.

I'm sure his mom would like me and you have no idea how important that is to me HAHAHA my mother-in-laws (except one) always hated me so I would like to feel welcomed in a home for one damn time.

I love him.

I can always like other characters but none as incredible as you, Gale.

[thewalrusespublicist]

do you think John had BPD?

Hi anon!

I wasn't sure about answering this one because of the ethical difficulties but I think it's okay if I make it extremely clear that I am not a professional, I do not have training in this area, I do not know the individual personally and anything I say after this point can only be taken as speculation and opinion, not as a certainty. A lot of conditions have significant overlap with each other (C-PTSD and NPD immediately come to mind in John's case) which is why John would have needed to be assessed in a clinical setting. We also don't have any way to see if he had any abnormalities in his brain structure, particularly in the the amygdala, the hippocampus and the orbitofrontal cortex that are associated with BPD.

All that out of the way, for long complicated reasons I am familiar with BPD and in my view, yes John Lennon had BPD; to the point I think of him as almost a poster child for the condition. The reasons I think this are exhaustive, but I will break them down using the symptom criteria for BPD as set out in the DSM-5 as well as looking at an overview for the risk factors involved in developing BPD.

Risk factors:

Risk factors for BPD are both environmental and genetic. For genetic it is hard to know as we don't have full details on John's parents but Julia's own instability suggests that there may have been some genetic factor at play.

Environmental - environmental risks factors for BPD include:

Being victim to emotional, sexual and verbal abuse - we know John suffered from at least one of these. On the emotional front you had his biological parents force him to choose between them, his aunt Mimi being incredibly controlling and giving him the silent treatment as a regular punishment as well as getting rid of his dog as a manipulation tactic. I have no doubt as well that Aunt Mimi could give him a verbal tongue lashing when the mood suited her.

In terms of sexual abuse, it's not something I've brought up before as it's too dark and I don't have enough to back it up but there's something very murky when it comes to John and sexual boundaries with relatives. The repeated allusion to abnormal sexual relationships between family members in Skywriting bothers me. It could be John just being a wind up but it's always lain at the back of my mind as something potentially not right there. His poor sexual boundaries with his mother as expressed in his audio diaries is a hard one as she didn't play a traditional role in his life and it's actually quite normal for developing boys to sometimes get those urges as their hormones are going nutso. The only reason I raise it here though is that John shared a bed with his mum and her boyfriend until the age of five. Considering Julia was not the most responsible, I wonder if John witnessed some things in that situation he shouldn't have. Its deeply speculative but it's just a point that my brain can't drop.

Being exposed to long-term fear or distress as a child - John was distressed and confused about his unusual living situation and apparent abandonment by his mother. The death of his uncle was also a massive strain.

Being neglected by 1 or both parents - whilst the situation was complicated, Julia did leave John alone for long stretches of time whilst she worked in a bar and Alf was mostly absent apart from the Blackpool incident where John was forced to choose between his mother and father. I know aunt Mimi stepped in and did not physically neglect him (emotionally...) but these formative years are crucial.

Growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem - John doesen't seem to have had this save potentially what was going on with Julia.

Again from my own complicated history with the disorder, I know one of the risk factors is the individual growing up in and environment where affection and attention is inconsistent and feelings are not recognised . To my mind John experienced the physical inconsistency of his mother and the emotional inconsistency of Mimi.

So going through the list, John had nearly all the environmental risk factors for BPD and potentially some genetic factors.

Now let's look at the symptom criteria.

DSM criteria:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - reported repeatedly by classmates and friends. I can't find it right now but one school friend talked about John was extremely anxious about people leaving and would ask exactly when his friend would be back to spend time with him. If the account of the diaries are to be believed he was preoccupied that Sean and Yoko were going to leave him. One can see his entire break-up behaviour as one big desperate attempt to avoid being abandoned by his friends by leaving them first.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - treatment of Stu, Paul, Yoko and Sean is just textbook. His relationship with Paul is particularly illuminating: one minute he's god, the next a fallen idol. Elliot Mintz talks about John's view of Paul changing 'minute to minute'. Yoko too was his life, his world, the air he breathed but then he would scream at her and test her. He had no measured conceptualisation of close relationships, they had to be absolutely everything, otherwise they were fake/phony.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - See dependence on others for identity, and continuously moving to new personas or fads as a source of stability. The Mirror, Mirror Dakota demo is essentially a song describing this sensation.

4. Impulsivity in at least two potentially self-damaging areas (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) -all the ones listed John partook in.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior- don't know about this one. Not reported but doesen't mean it didn't happen.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days). - John's mood swings are infamous.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - doesen't speak to it overtly I believe (could be wrong) but his constant attempts to find a new thing to 'save' him as well as his chronic swings of depression I think suggest this may well have been true.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - again, infamous for his wild temper.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms - we joke about John's paranoia for a reason. For dissociation he potentially talks about it in Hunter Davies:

''If I am on my own for three days, doing nothing, I almost completely leave myself. I’m at the back of my head. I can see my hands and realize they’re moving, but it’s like a robot who’s doing it. I have to see the others to see myself. Then I realize there is someone like me so it’s reassuring.''

He also talks about seeing the world almost as if its a hallucination or a surreal fantasy which could be dissociation or the hallucinations that can happen with BPD.

You need five of these symptoms to meet the criteria for BPD. On my count John has at least seven and likely eight of the symptoms. BPD would explain his difficulties in his relationships, mood swings, constant seeking for the next big 'thing' and 'wild behaviour'. John also had narcissistic tendencies which would also make sense as Cluster-B personalities tend to have comorbidities or traits from other cluster B disorders.

I want to again stress that whilst there are clinicians that agree with me, I am not in any way qualified to make any diagnostic judgements, this is purely fan speculation. Nor does matching symptom criteria necessarily mean that John had the disorder or that his behaviour can't be explained by other mental illness'. For example, if you put John's behaviour up against a checklist for narcissistic personality disorder, he would match eight of the nine criteria. I personally believe that BPD fits John better than NPD as John was capable of (diminished) empathy and still capable of loving people past their use-by date, despite his desire to banish those feelings. But still the possibility of alternative explanations is there and I'm in no position to dismiss it.

That being said, I still believe the evidence is there and I wish it had been feasible for John to get a diagnosis to better understand himself and his responses. In that way he could have understood that he wasn't wrong or evil, he was just traumatised and his brain and behaviour had developed in a way to cope with the trauma. John was an immensely talented, funny, charming, generous, kind person who was adored by those close to him. At the same time due to what I believe to be his condition, he struggled to maintain these relationships and was liable to lash out despite his best efforts to improve. John didn't want to be angry, he tried to seek help, he just looked for it in the wrong places. Who knows, in another time and in another place with better access to care, life may have looked a lot different and a lot happier for John Lennon. And that to me, regardless of exact diagnosis, is one of the biggest tragedies in this whole situation.

[xxxkokin]

lolita is not a love story.

part II

several times humbert mentions that he convinces lolita of what would happen if she tattled, if she went to the police and confessed to a man having abused her, that she would be sent to a reformatory prison for delinquent children such as herself. he resorts to techniques of verbal manipulation, physical abuse (several times grabbing her wrist or using his size against her), and various rewards (candy, seeing new sights across america, lavish cuisine, etc).

it becomes even more and more relevant through the story that dolores gets bored, and rightfully repulsed by humbert’s constant infatuation with her. in the second half of the book, she displays clear reluctance to participate in the sexual fantasies of humbert, and yet he ignores it. he does not even question for a moment what dolores had wanted, simply thinking, “oh, my little pet” or “the fool” in reference to his “child”.

his only emotional reaction to her sobs after the deed was done was laughter and glee after he retracted one of his promises. what she wants recedes into the background as humbert becomes more and more occupied in keeping his grip on her rather than making her feel loved or protecting her.

i do believe, however, that it would be incorrect to call dolores haze a victim. yes, she sustained years of sexual and physical abuse via humbert humbert. however, the word victim implies powerlessness. whenever she could, she took advantage of his desperation for her own monetary gain, to sustain a lavish lifestyle, and to pursue her dreams of becoming an actress.

“I saw Lolita’s eyes, and they seemed to be more calculating than frightened.”

While humbert drinks himself into a stupor, dolores makes herself busy driving him crazy with jealousy. eventually she manages to escape him. humbert’s final departing gift to lolita before they are separated for three years are seven books and a bouquet of flowers, which he drove sixty miles to fetch. at this point the reader has seen dolores accuse him of rape and indecency with her when she was a child, and yet the pathetic softness of offering such a gift before his own abandonment strikes pity into the heart of the audience.

dolores and humbert reconcile after three years of separation. she is in desperate need of money and begs humbert to consider her situation. he could not kill her. he was in possession of a gun and yet finds himself even more obsessed with her than he was the first day he met her. he offered, twice, if she would come with him to live out a beautiful and happy life together.

she said no.

humbert, after this rejection, realizes that he has not been a saint, experiencing the first ounce of character development that 224 pages has taken him. he opens his eyes to the fact that he had whisked away her childhood, her freedom, and still after all of this proclaims he is still in love with dolores. H.H. was not in love, and lolita is not a love story. every description the reader receives of the evasive dolores haze is through a lens of objectification and idealism.

dolly haze was just a memory to him.

[lightofraye]

MEN CAN BE VICTIMS TOO

Gender stereotypes lead to problems when it comes to abuse. Many abuse survivors will be overlooked, ignored, because of that problem. We would like to think that a man, who is usually physically dominant and likely more aggressive, is impossible to be abused.

However, they’re more common than one would think. The way they’re abused also varies greatly.

I know. The question that comes up is: if a man is being abused, wouldn’t we know it? Wouldn’t we see it?

The answer? Nope. You wouldn’t.

Men in abusive relationships is kind of like a dirty secret. People, especially the victims who are living with it, don’t talk about it—if they even realize it’s happening.

Here’s the reason why: Societally, we see it as impossible for a man to be abused. Because if he is, that must mean he’s weak and easily manipulated if the abuser is controlling him or abusing him. Right?

No. Not one bit.

But that impression, that perception, persists, and that keeps the victims from opening up about their abuse and seeking help when it’s needed. Of course, that assumes the man even recognizes he’s being abused. It’s sadly common for the victim to have trouble seeing it and be resistant to admit it.

For a man, admitting he’s being abused can be emasculating, making him feel he’s not a real man. He may decide to develop patterns of behaviors or thoughts to help minimize and explain what he’s experiencing. They may also have a narrower definition of what is considered abuse in a relationship.

Abuse isn’t just physical. If you ask a man if he’s experiencing abuse, he may automatically assume you’re talking about physical abuse, if he’s being hit by his partner. It’s more likely that the man experiencing abuse is dealing with emotional, psychological, verbal, or even sexual abuse.

Many male victims will ignore any other kind of abuse that isn’t overtly physical and fail to recognize what’s happening to them.

This is a huge blind spot in society for the relationship abuse men can experience means we fail to notice how much more common it is than we want to believe.

A woman who is abusive to her male partner, however, may exploit the general restraint men are taught to never use their physical advantage over women in an abusive manner. So she may give into her own anger issues or manipulative instincts and become verbally or emotionally abusive toward her partner. This kind of “you can’t touch me” approach leaves a man unsure of what to do, other than to take it and live with it.

Men are also prone to sexual coercion by women. Rather than forcible sexual abuse, a woman may use sex as a weapon to try to control a man. This may come in forms of withholding sex, promising sex or sexual acts in order to get what she wants, using sexual flirtation to control or outright hurt him.

There is also covert forms of sexual acts—such as forcing fellatio or grabbing genitalia—that can be seen as a form of sexual abuse.

Because some men are responsive to acts of a sexual nature, they may not recognize this manipulation as a form of sexual abuse. However, using anything as a means of trying to control your partner, including sex, can be seen as a form of abuse.

Psychological abuse can also be used. This can include demeaning the man in their life, undermining his confidence, causing the man to feel isolated and dependent. These can manifest in a few ways, such as being socially cut off from friends and normal activities; being called names or intimidated; interfering with family relationships; making unfounded accusations of infidelity; constantly monitoring calls, texts, and social media; and exerting financial control and manipulating or undermining behavior—such as overspending.

In addition, the man’s children may be used against him. They may threaten a man’s access to his children.

SIGNS A MAN MAY BE EXPERIENCING ABUSE

So if men don’t want to talk about it and may not even recognize it—and there are no physical signs—how can you tell if a man is being abused?

There are signs to look for.

• Changes in personality. This may not signal abuse, but it means something is going on. Such as an outgoing person becoming withdrawn or a responsible or steady man acting in angry, wild, or irresponsible ways.

• Being anxious or fearful about his partner’s response. Being regularly and overly concerned or anxious about how you partner will respond to you isn’t healthy. It may be a sign of fear that failure to please will result in punitive or abusive measures.

• Becoming overly apologetic. A person experiencing abuse may become accustomed to unnecessarily apologizing or overexplaining their behavior.

• Needing to check in with his partner repeatedly. Along with becoming fearful of his partner’s response may come the need to check in with his partner constantly. Or the partner’s needs to keep tabs on him and know his whereabouts at all times.

• Depression. In men, depression can manifest as anger more so than in a despondent mood.

• Alcohol or substance use. Men are prone to using alcohol as a method of self-medicating. They use it or other substances as a means of managing emotions and escaping. So if a man begins drinking more than usual or starts smoking, consider it a warning sign something may be off.

• Seeming generally unwell. Men are notorious for their inability to express feelings. If a man is experiencing abuse, he may not know how to talk about it, feel ashamed of his situation, or stuff his feelings. This can result in outwardly observable illness. In essence, the abuse is making him sick.

THE NEXT STEPS

Stopping abuse in any relationship is difficult and complicated. It’d be nice if it were as easy as just saying stop or leaving, but it’s not.

Ending abuse is not something that’s easily done alone. Many people experiencing abuse find that the support of family or friends, and likely a mental health professional, can help them make the needed changes.

It can be done.

But the hardest step for a man is the initial step, which is admitting the abuse exists.

Be there for them. Let them know they’re not alone. Above all, believe them.

Sources:

Dutton DG, et al. (2013). Male victims of domestic violence. (Opens a PDF)

Friendly C. (2018). The victimization of heterosexual males.

General statistics. (n.d.).

Hine B, et al. (2020). "I have guys call me and say 'I can't be the victim of domestic abuse'": Exploring the experiences of telephone support providers for male victims of domestic violence and abuse.

Mathias T. (2019). Male victims of domestic abuse struggle to disclose abuse.

Male victims of domestic abuse face barriers to accessing support services – new study

Coercive control: Male victims say they aren't believed

The Truth About Abusers, Abuse, and What to Do

Abused Men: Five Painful Issues They Face

[botanikos]

Not that I owe anyone an explanation, and please DO NOT reblog this, but I want to give a little background to my stance/opinion/whatever you want to call it...

Relationships are complex and messy, just as people are. We are multifaceted beings with emotions, impulses, desires, etc.. I stand by what I said about Stolas being a victim of abuse and I will absolutely portray him as such. As a victim of abuse, manipulation, and someone who lives in an occasionally hazardous home environment, I am entitled to my own opinion on this matter. And to be quite honest, if you are going to actively think of Stolas as anything other than a victim, please do not engage with me. I'll put the rest under a read more for the sake of not taking up too much space on the dash + it's personal, blah blah blah.

I am NOT excusing Stolas's behavior or his own faults. He is FLAWED. He has made mistakes, he needs to own up to the things he has done and do a LOT of unpacking of internalized misconceptions. He absolutely did Blitz dirty and owes him countless apologies, and he was an absent parent to Octavia (bro could have done better, I'll be real about that but I've BEEN in Octavia's position to recognize the WHY and what's going on; Stolas doesn't even properly talk to her about everything). That being said, we are actively given hints and gestures that show us he LOVES both of them dearly; they are likely his reason for living.

But as someone who has had my way of thinking shaped, my ability to effectively communicate my feelings stunted, and who has been on the receiving end of verbal and physically abusive behaviors -- I find his character incredibly validating and easy to connect with. Stella actively and openly ridicules him, yells at him, and throws objects (not to mention one of the imps). We receive a scene where she is about to physically assault him, and he stops her.

Anyway, I don't fully know where I am going with this anymore but yep. My portrayal will absolutely explore and reflect the fact that he is a victim of abuse. It will not be solely centered on that, but it is a MAJOR part of his character and elements he needs to actively work on/through.

peace out, thanks for reading! also I am OKAY plz don't dote on me or worry!

[betzabobababi]

Through the Pain

Hey Hey! Before yall complain! You guys asked for this. You asked for Anakin x reader and flangst but I connected to this a bit more so this is what you get. I do not disappoint. I only ever disappoint my mum, NEVER my audience lmao. So I have exams this week and next week as well. I'm already dying but since I'm most likely going to be exhausted in all forms I doubt I'd be able to write after my exams. So I wrote this to help you guys hold out a bit more. This story is dark and angsty.  

The point of this story is sort of to show how abusers and victims feel while abusing or being abused. Reader is being abused by Anakin (read the warnings) When a victim of abuse tries to break free most of the time they are brutally punished. Anakin (abuser) manipulates his victim (reader) into thinking and believing that if she ever tries to leave him she’ll slowly die. If you or someone you know are being abused please reach out! Speak to someone (more information at the end)

Pairings: Anakin x  Fem!Reader

 Type: Dark angst

READ THE WARNINGS!

WARNINGS: Abuse - mentions Mental Physical verbal and emotional abuse- choking-mentions of being pregnant.

Summary: Real life can easily get confused with a fantasy. Especially when that fantasy almost always comes true. When anakin almost goes too far, you say something to stop his rage.

.

.

.

.

.

This was all a dream. Soon, you’d wake up and you would be back in his arms laying on your bed. Wrapped in his warm welcoming embrace. You could practically feel his hands around you…..

Waking up from your fantasy you realize his hands are in fact around. That heat you felt, isnt coming from him, it's radiating from the floor below you. Snapping your eyes wide open, your brain becomes fuzzy, the lack of oxygen now forcing your body to fight against your opponent. 

Throwing your hands on his you dig your nails into his calloused hands. Lowly he says “Stop. Fighting.”  Your eyes begging to be let free. Mouth agape, trying it’s hardest to get air into your now burning lungs. With little to no air your speech was constricted. Trying your best to get a few convincing words out you open your mouth wider. “A-Ani…thi- this isn’t…this isn’t you.” You finally croak out, using most of the remaining air you had.  Eyesight speckled you could barely see him. But you could hear him. He growled lowly. “YOU LIED TO ME! You said you’d always love me, you'd stay by me. You TOLD ME- you told me I had your trust.”  His hands on your throat getting impossibly tighter he brings you over to the edge of the rock. Lifting your body up into the air as if you were something useless and weightless. He began to shake you over the lava. As if he was violently trying to show you that he would do it, he’d drop you. 

Eyes now completely screwed shut, you whimper, begging for air. Begging for a chance to redeem yourself. Your brain scrambling to find a way to convince him to put you down, you scream, “Anakin! I’m with child!” Suddenly the shaking stops. You’re brought onto the flat ground and your neck is released. You fight your body to try and adjust and breathe deep gulps of air. Somehow you survived Anakin's grueling punishment. His punishment was to show you that even though he loved you, his authority (thanks to the dark side) should Never be challenged. He was stronger, smarter, and more hot-tempered than you ever could and would be. 

Sure your relationship with Anakin was a little (more like a lot) toxic, with his constant threats to harm you if you ever tried something. His mental, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse was now something you were used to. But you would never leave. You were forced to accept him into your life and now if you were to be without him you’d cease to exist (meaning if Anakin didn’t kill you the pain of being without him would) He was burned into your mind, your heart, your life. So no matter how painful his punishments were you would never leave him. 

“You’re - We’re going to be parents?” He corrected himself. As he asks his face is expressionless and his voice is emotionless. Slowly you nod, not being able to read the meaning of his reaction. Your husband’s hands quickly go down to your belly. Now realizing he had been violently shaking the soon to be mother, putting both her and his future child at risk, he wraps his arms around you. Murmuring soft “I'm sorry's”. Once he had enveloped you into a hug you buried your face into the crook of his neck. Slowly he brings his hand to your chin and he raises it so you’re looking into his deep yellow eyes. Voice barely higher than a whispers he says, “I love you”

Acting as if his punishments never happened was the best and probably the only way to bring his rage down. So that's exactly what you’d do. This time was no different. Quickly recomposing yourself you let out an airy sigh, wincing as your throat begins to swell. “I love you too.” You respond sincerely. Returning your head back to the position on his neck, Anakin picks you up bridal style and carries you towards his ship. Setting you down in the passenger's seat you slowly doze off. Once you wake up you find yourself resting on your bed, covered in Anakin's warm embrace. You close your eyes once again leaving yourself in your ever growing fantasy.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788

National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673

Stop it Now! 1-888-PREVENT

United States Elder Abuse Hotline 1-866-363-4276

National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (422-4453)

Child Abuse Hotline / Dept of Social Services 1-800-342-3720

Child Abuse National Hotline 1-800-25ABUSE

Children in immediate danger 1-800-THE-LOST

Exploitation of Children 1-800-843-5678

Missing Children Help Center 1-800-872-5437

Family Violence Prevention Center 1-800-313-131

Suicide Hotline 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-827-7571

[trickstarbrave]

i am watching sulmatul's video on v:tmb and i have to say. i dont agree with her assessment of terese and jeanette's storyline

this isn't to say i think everyone has to like it. its a deeply upsetting backstory and how terese and jeanette talk about it isn't comfortable in the slightest. it can be very, very triggering for anyone listening. but i have played the game over and over and that was always my favorite part.

so uh. cw for: csa, DID, psychosis, murder, serious mental illness, self harm through risky behaviors, and verbal abuse. but i do wanna talk about my thoughts

--

sulmatul frames it as terese was openly being portrayed as a seductress being abused by her father, jeanette openly trying to seduce him in turn, and all being done for the sake of edginess with no care for how they portray such delicate subject matter.

i can agree it is a bit edgy and some parts are unnecessary with dark humor which doesn't take the edge off like the writers probably assumed it was but only gives it a trivializing edge in some parts. but upon first play-through i already grasped what was going on and more play-throughs only confirmed it.

terese and jeanette were never two separate people physically, i dont think. the painting of them and their father as two little twin girls was likely commissioned by terese and was to throw the player off. its clearly stylized anyways and not a realistic portrait. DID is typically formed due to severe childhood trauma, after all, and consistent sexual abuse a very common source of said severe childhood trauma, unfortunately (i have met people with DID who have openly admitted to developing it in response to CSA). jeanette was always terese's alter, and was originally to protect terese. jeanette holds all the negative feelings about their abuse, and all the negative thoughts terese has about herself. jeanette is the one who snuck out of the house to sleep around, which is not jeanette "being the classic whore" but instead a form of self harm by engaging in risky behaviors. jeanette figures if she has to suffer through sex, she might as well do so on her terms. meanwhile terese has convinced herself she's actually their father's "favorite".

jeanette openly despises their father. jeanette openly resents him. she says "father always liked terese more" when trying to manipulate the player and trying to inspire pity, but she's not really broken up about his death and instead takes a sort of sick delight in it.

jeanette only really specifies sleeping with him one time in particular: the night of his death. jeanette came back from sneaking out. their father came in drunk, and jeanette was still awake. terese it seems only has partially or emotional amnesia given how quickly she knows what jeanette has done and vice versa, and always seems particularly disgusted with how much jeanette sleeps around and with who because she remembers it, even partially. their father mistook jeanette as terese, and assaulted her. terese then wakes up, climbs out of bed, gets their father's gun, and shoots him in the head for "cheating" on her in a fit of psychosis, only to then regret what she had done.

terese was never not the victim, nor is she ever portrayed as a seductress when she is the primary victim. she is not a nymphet, nor is their father portrayed sympathetically as an abuser. when jeanette calls her a whore, its to hurt terese severely. terese hates openly talking about the abuse, ashamed of it, despite how much she says "father loved me more than you" listing off all the ways jeanette's behavior upset him. but its also clear they have built up their whole identities around what the other is most insecure about but tries to hide.

terese, is an uptight, direct, serious business woman almost in direct response to jeanette's deep seated fear and insecurity of never being taken seriously. and jeanette is a seductress who simply loves sex and sleeping around, either to manipulate people or just for fun, in almost direct response to terese's deep seated fear of being seen as a whore or unclean for being sexually abused.

i don't think sulmatul had any malice with summarizing it as such. it is not a story that handles sexual abuse with kid gloves on, with clear lines of right and wrong and holds your hand through it. in real life victims are messy and complicated. some refuse to admit they were abused and claimed it was all consensual. some respond with risky behaviors, horrible attitudes, and a general lack of care that makes them unsympathetic to most. oftentimes they are pitted against one another by an abuser who distracts them with jealousy and making them tear each other down. even for those who resent their abuse, after being subjected to it for so long, you begin to hate and resent those who are given special treatment and are seen as the "favorites".

i can see anyone who doesn't like engaging with that sort of storyline having a knee jerk reaction, and i can also see someone unfamiliar with the messy, disgusting feelings and behaviors of abuse victims to equally draw the wrong conclusion. but what is to one victim triggering and offensive is to others an outlet for being seen.

every play-through i try my damnedest to keep them both alive. they do love and support each other but are twisted by old wounds that continue to feed into a cycle of self harm, personal attacks, petty jealousy, and insecurity. they have been running from their trauma for years with only each other as their confidant, and neither has emotionally healed enough to handle it. they won't heal if they lose the other. it only validates the poor coping mechanisms the surviving sister has. but god is it hard to do so.

v:tmb doesn't have a lot of deep themes, but it is overall (at least in the early parts) attempting to explore the grotesque, messy parts of society people try to look the other way from. disease (including sexually transmitted diseases), sex, abuse, murder, drugs, nightclubs, sex work, all of it without glamorizing it, and cloaking it in the imagery of bad horror movies of the time.

[sokkastyles]

The topic of abuse and when an adult is obligated to step in and help is pretty personal for me, actually, as a teacher. I've been in situations where I didn't agree with the way a parent was treating their child, even in situations where I suspected abuse, but it's very complex and a hard call to make. I've walked by the conference room while the mother of a trans boy was discussing "Sarah's needs" with the principal, and wanted to run in and scream "He wants to be called Chris, actually," but I CANNOT do that. I was in a conversation a few days ago with three other teachers discussing a parent who has been deemed "Munchausen lady" by the faculty but there's nothing that can be done if there is no evidence her son is being harmed. The most we can do is diplomatically suggest to the parent that her child is much more capable and healthy than she thinks he is. I've had students beg me to call their parents to tell them that they are not in trouble with me over a missing assignment because "dad won't believe me" and the most I can do there is talk to the parent. I've had parents tell ME to discipline their kids for minor infractions. I’ve had a student whose mom destroyed his cell phone in front of him with a hammer as a punishment. I can report if I have proof that there is actual abuse going on, I can get the councilor involved, but it's not a cut and dry situation, and rarely is. I have parents who spank their kids with belts, which I think is abuse, but not everyone does and it’s not my call to make. I can be as gentle as I can with the child, but if the child is inclined to hurt others, then I have a duty to prevent that from happening.

And I've often said that Ozai is most dangerous to his children in his ability to manipulate them, not in outright displays of violence. He is largely an emotional abuser, and it's very difficult to identify and stop that kind of abuse. Especially if you have lived in that circle where that kind of emotional violence is normal.

I've been in situations where a parent yells at their child over zoom every day during class as well as me, the teacher. I reported it to school administration and was told "Yeah, we know," but nothing could be done about the situation. In Iroh's case, who can he report to, when the abuser is his brother and also lord of the country?

People have this idea that abuse is always easy to spot and easy to define and that the victims always look a certain way. Part of Iroh's guilt over Zuko being burned is that he feels like it was his fault that he let it get to that point, because it is easy in hindsight to say someone should have prevented it, someone should have stepped in, but not so easy in practice because abusers often know how to work the system in their favor, and Ozai is able to get what he wants a lot of the time, and able to convince both Azula and Zuko that his will is what is best for them. It's tragic that ANY adult who saw what was going on with Zuko and Azula didn't stand up and say "this is wrong" long before Azula started hurting others or Zuko was burned, but the idea that Iroh didn't care about Azula or unreasonably hated her because he wasn't able to counteract Ozai's influence, not the mention the idea that he unreasonably hates her because he won’t let her harm Zuko, is just nonsense.

It’s much harder to protect someone from emotional abuse - especially the kind of emotional abuse Ozai subjects Azula to - than it is for Iroh to protect Zuko from Ozai or Azula physically hurting him, and even that was difficult and Iroh wasn’t able to protect Zuko from being scarred. We also see how difficult it is for Iroh to protect Zuko emotionally even when he can physically protect him and even when he is separated by distance from his abuser. Early Zuko I would say actually behaves in ways that I think border on verbally abusive to Iroh, and Iroh doesn’t take that from him, either. The difference is that Zuko also clearly loves Iroh and is much more amenable to his influence.

Even verbal and emotional abuse in the form of insults and belittling statements like the kind of stuff Zuko is subjected to from Ozai are much easier to spot and prevent than the kinds of stuff Ozai does to Azula, the gaslighting and the love-bombing in order to exert control over her. It’s not impossible to counteract that but it is extremely difficult, and this kind of situation is tragic all around. There’s a lot of media that centers around abuse that depicts it as something obvious and easy to spot, where a kind adult can swoop in and save the victim, who always wants to be saved, but that’s often not how it works in reality and that’s why it’s so hard to prevent from happening in the first place.

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Hot takes about Severus Snape are a wierdly decent glimpse into how a person with progressive values analyses things. Literally every time someone talks about Snape, it’s like this tiny window into how one-dimentionally people actually think.

Recently saw a twitter post that was a fantastic example. Here’s how it goes (paraphrasing):

Person A:“Snape is POC and Queer coded, that’s why you guy’s hate him uwu lol.”

Person B: “Actually I hate him because he was mean and abusive to children under his care uwu but go off I guess lol”

Both of these takes are designed to be dramatic and/or reactionary. They each use partial truths to paint very broad strokes. These are get-em-in-one-hit quips. This is virtue signalling, if you’ll excuse that loaded phrase. Nobody had a substantial conversation, but now everyone who sees their statement knows the high ground they took.

At least a hundred other people chimed in to add their own little quippy hot takes into play, none of which add anything significant, but clearly made everyone feel very highly of themselves.

So many layers of nuance and complex analysis is completely lost in this kind of discussion. On tumblr, you get more of this kind of bullshit, but you don’t have a word count limit, so you guys just spew endless mountains of weak overblown evidence backing up your bullshit arguments, none of which was really about engaging in a real conversation anyway.

Here’s the thing about Snape.

He is a childhood domestic abuse victim. His abuser is a muggle.

He becomes a student at a magical school that takes him away from his abuser and immediately instills in him the idea that being a part of this magical world is a badge of self-worth, empowerment, and provides safety and security - provided that he keeps in line.

There is a war is being waged in that world over his right to exist (he is a half blood).

He is a marginalized person within the context of the narrative, forced to constantly be in the same living space as the children of his own oppressors who are being groomed and recruited into a hate group militia (the pureblood slytherins). They are in turn trying to do the same to him.

He is marginalized person bullied by children who are also part of his oppressor group, but who have “more liberal” leanings and aren’t direct about why he’s being targeted (the mauraders are all purebloods, Sirius, who was the worst offender, was raised in a bigoted household, the same one that produced Bellatrix.).

He had a crush on a girl who is a muggleborn, and therefore she is considered even lesser than him and carries a stigma to those who associate with her. That girl was his only real friend. In his entire life.

For both Snape and Lily, allying themselves to a pureblood clique within their own houses would be a great way of shielding themselves from a measure of the bigotry they were probably facing. There would have been obvious pressure from those cliques to disconnect with one and other.

Every other person who associates with Snape in his adulthood carries some sort of sociopolitical or workplace (or hate cult) baggage with their association. Some of them will physically harm and/or kill him if he steps out of line. He hasn’t at any point had the right environment to heal and adjust from these childhood experiences. Even his relationship with Dumbledore is charged with constant baggage, including the purebloods who almost killed him during their bullying getting a slap on the wrist, the werewolf that almost killed him as a child being placed in an authority position over new children, etc. Dumbledore is canonically manipulative no matter his good qualities, and he has literally been manipulating Snape for years in order to cultivate a necessary asset in the war.

He is a person who is not in the stable mental state necessary to be teaching children, whom has been forced to teach children. While also playing the role of double agent against the hate group militia, the one that will literally torture you for mistakes or backtalk or just for fun. The one that will torture and kill him if he makes one wrong move.

Is the math clicking yet? From all of this, it’s not difficult to see how everything shitty about Snape was cultivated for him by his environment. Snape was not given great options. Snape made amazingly awful choices, and also some amazingly difficult, courageous ones. Snape was ultimately a human who had an extremely bad life, in which his options were incredibly grim and limited.

In fact, pretty much every point people make about how shitty Snape is as a person makes 100% logical sense as something that would emerge from how he was treated. Some if it he’s kind of right about, some of it is the inevitable reality of suffering, and some of it is part of the cycle of abuse and harm.

Even Snape’s emotional obsession with Lily makes logical sense when you have the perspective that he literally has no substantial positive experiences with other human beings that we know of, and he has an extreme, soul destroying guilt complex over her death. Calling him an Incel mysoginist nice guy projects a real-world political ideology and behavior that does not really apply to the context of what happened to him and her.

Even Snape’s specific little acts of cruelty to certain students is a reflection of his own life experiences. He identifies with Neville; more specifically, he identifies his own percieved emotional weaknesses in his childhood in Neville. There’s a very sad reason there why he feels the urge to be so harsh.

Snape very clearly hates himself, in a world where everyone else hates him, too. Imagine that, for a second. Imagine total internal and external hatred, an yearning for just a little bit of true connection. For years. Imagine then also trying to save that world, even if it’s motivated by guilt. Even if nobody ever knows you did it and you expect to die a miserable death alone.

There are more elements here to consider, including the way Rowling described his looks (there may be something in there re: ugliness and swarthy stereotyping). These are just the things that stand out the most prominently to me.

J.K. Rowling is clearly also not reliable as an imparter of moral or sociopolitical philosophies. I don’t feel that her grasp of minority experiences is a solid one, considering how she picks and chooses who is acceptable and who is a threat.

All of that said, this is a logically consistent character arc. Within the context of his narrative, Snape is a marginalized person with severe PTSD and emotional instability issues who has absolutely no room available to him for self-improvement or healing, and never really has. And yes, he’s also mean, and caustic, and verbally abusive to the students. He’s also a completey miserable, lonely person.

There are elements in his character arc that mirror real world experiences quite well. If nothing else, Rowling is enough of an emotional adult to recognise these kinds of things and portray something that feels authentic.

In my opinion, it’s not appropriate to whittle all this down by comparing him directly to the real world experiences of marginalized groups - at least if you are not a part of the group you are comparing him to. There have been many individuals who have compared his arc to their own personal experiences of marginalization, and that is valid. But generally speaking, comparing a white straight dude to people who are not that can often be pretty offensive. This is not a valuable way to discuss either subject.

Also, I believe that while it’s perfectly okay to not like Snape as a character, many of the people who act like Person B are carrying Harry’s childhood POV about Snape in their hearts well into their own adulthood. And if nothing else, Rowling was attempting to say something here about how our perspectives (should) grow and change as we emotionally mature.  She doesn’t have to be a good person herself to have expressed something true about the world in this instance, and since this story is a part of our popular culture, people have a right to feel whatever way they do about this story and it’s characters.

The complexity of this particular snapshot of fictionalized marginalization, and what it reveals about the human experience, cannot be reduced down to “he’s an abuser so he’s not worth anyone’s time/you are bad for liking him.”

And to be honest, I think that it reveals a lot about many of us in progressive spaces, particularly those of us who less marginalized but very loud about our values, that we refuse to engage with these complexities in leu of totally condemning him. Particularly because a lot of the elements I listed above are indeed reflected in real world examples of people who have experienced marginalization and thus had to deal with the resulting emotional damage, an mental illness, and behavior troubles, and bad decisions. Our inability to address the full scope of this may be a good reflection of how we are handling the complexity of real world examples.

Real people are not perfect angels in their victimhood. They are just humans who are victims, and we all have the capacity to be cruel and abusive in a world where we have been given cruelty and abuse. This is just a part of existing. If you cannot sympathise with that, or at least grasp it and aknowledge it and respect the people who are emotionally drawn to a character who refects that, then you may be telling on yourself to be honest.

To be honest, this is especially true if you hate Snape but just really, really love the Mauraduers. You have a right to those feelings, but if you are moralizing this and judging others for liking Snape, you’ve confessed to something about how you’ve mentally constructed your personal values in a way I don’t think you’ve fully grasped yet.

I have a hard time imagining a mindset where a story like Snape’s does not move one to empathy and vicarious grief, if I’m honest. I feel like some people really just cannot be bothered to imagine themselves in other people’s shoes, feeling what they feel and living like they live. I struggle to trust the social politics of people who show these kinds of colors, tbh.

But maybe that’s just me.

[dreamwalkeramrita]

Content warning: discussion of abusive relationships

I find it concerning that many LO readers openly glorify Minthe as a badass bitch. Several people think that Minthe 'deserved' better. I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel compassion towards Minthe - but it is important to recognize that Minthe is a classic abuser. She's beautiful, with sympathetic motivations and Rachel has fleshed out her character so it's easy to see why some readers like her. BUT Lore Olympus shows that she's been EMOTIONALLY (and maybe even physically) abusing Hades FOR YEARS and that should not be brushed off as merely being 'bitchy'.

People have tried to argue that Minthe is also a victim, since she's a woman in a relationship with her boss. Hades is a God; in fact, he's a King. My point is that despite the fact that Hades has the outward appearance of having agency in the relationship, Minthe is the one with all the power. Hades is obviously more physically imposing than Minthe - and yet, he felt afraid and didn't resist when she slapped him. He meekly listened to her abuses ("You're a piece of shit"; "you stink of death", Minthe said, in the introductory chapters), and Minthe exploited him financially while Hades was emotionally dependent on her. And yet, Hades obviously cares about her - that's how Minthe was able to hurt him so deeply.

In a typical abusive relationship, the abuser chips away at the victim's self confidence until the victim feels like they DESERVE nothing better. The victim is usually psychologically powerless to stand up to the abuse (even when Hades was slapped, Hecate had to intervene ; Hades did nothing in response to the abuse and had a mental break down). Minthe claimed to feel remorse for her abuse, but her actions did not reflect a sincere wish to change : in fact, in chapter 151 Minthe reflected that "he shouldn't have tried... He shouldn't have made me feel like second chances were infinite", which is another classic example of victim blaming that lets the abuser off the hook while making the victim responsible for all wrongdoing. Even in the next chapter, prior to Minthe's "punishment", Minthe hurled verbal abuse at Hades, once again trying to demean him. This is not the behavior of someone who is truly sorry for their abuse. This is what an abuser would do when faced with the possibility of losing control over their victim.

Abusers are not awful all the time. They can be charismatic, and can even have suffered abuse themselves. Abusers tend to justify incidents as 'mistakes' or sudden outbursts that can be apologized for.

In the LO universe, abuse is not trivialized. It is important for readers to not trivialize abuse or excuse Minthe as a 'misunderstood bitch'. It is difficult enough for victims to recognize abuse and extricate themselves from such relationships without trivializing and glamorizing it in media.

Should Minthe get a redemption arc? She probably will, but in my (humble) opinion she should only be redeemed if she really makes sincere efforts to stop her abusive behavior and allows Hades to recover his mental and emotional health away from her. Perhaps her time as a plant will enable her to introspect and reconsider her choices and behaviour patterns.

As a side note, I've also observed that Minthe's biggest supporters don't extend their compassion towards Apollo (and they should not, since he's a rapist). Apollo is universally hated by the fandom, and rightly so. However, he is being manipulated behind the scenes by Leto, and seemed to seriously delude himself into thinking that Persephone was into him before she literally broke his lute. I am not equating rape and abuse obviously, but it makes me wonder if Minthe gets a pass from readers because she's an attractive woman with a glamorous character design and a back story of financial insecurity.

[spicyicymeloncat]

I feel like you misunderstood my original post.

(Tw for discussion of fanon depictions of abuse, sorry this wasn’t supposed to get so serious)

One, I never said that Kalmaar was a dad? I specifically said “family” in the original in order to include him.

Two, you should know that just because a character likes their abusive/toxic parent does not negate the fact that they were abusive/toxic. In fact it is very normal for someone to still feel some attachment to someone else who is unhealthy for them. Just because you think you like someone or know someone, doesn’t mean they have the best intentions for you (low key I think that if the victim seems fine with an otherwise worrying situation, I’m worried for you).

As for reasons why I think Skylor and Vania were in unhealthy relationships, is that I don’t think there’s a situation where a parent can willingly put their child in harms way as quick as Chen and Vangelis did, without first already having some emotional detachment first. If they loved their children as they should, then opening the trapdoor shouldn’t have been their first instinct. But since they did immediately resort to harming and discarding their children, it calls to question how much they really loved them in the first place.

Also just bc Skylor took over the Noodle business doesn’t mean Chen didn’t try to hurt her? Ik some people cope with unhealthy relationships by distance, but you can’t generalise so many people. People have all sorts of different reactions and unique conditions that cause them to cope differently. I think Skylor probably took on the business as a way to reclaim Chen’s stamp on the world and make it better, and that’s her way of coping. Also she needs income so it makes sense that she’d take advantage of the assets given to her. Just because someone doesn’t show traditional symptoms of something, doesn’t mean it’s not the case.

Just end of, it’s not a healthy relationship if your father willingly picks being a snake over being your dad.

Three, I feel your definition of toxic is different to mine. I was just using “toxic” as in “harmful” in terms of relationships. I assume emotional abuse falls under that. I’m not sure what definition you are using, and can’t really find a concrete definition that separates the two. If I am misusing the word, I’m sorry.

My intention in the og post was only to point out that fandom tends to insert canon divergent ideas about specifically Misako wu and Julien that paint those characters as much worse than in the show (like Misako is transphobic, or Julien is physically abusive), when these traits are more easily attributed to Chen, Vangelis and Kalmaar who are actually canonically violent, manipulative and verbally abusive. Sorry if “toxic” was the wrong word to get this point across, I was only using it generally as I’m under the impression that “abuse” is more precise (and last I checked toxic was more of a slang/colloquial term). I apologise if that’s incorrect. Hopefully this explanation makes the point more clear.

Not Ninjago fandom trying to pretend that Misako, Wu, Julien and whoever else were toxic family when Chen, Vangelis and Kalmaar are right there.

[muutosarchive]

𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐧 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝: 🤝 , 💀 , 🧱  𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐬

[   🤝     ] how does your muse approach intimacy? are they hesitant, or do they like it? what types of intimacy do they like and dislike? (ex. physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, etc.)

they’re hesitant, to say the least. at first, anyway. copia was actually victim to people intentionally withholding intimacy from him, or otherwise using it to manipulate him. his first experience with sensual/romantic intimacy (kissing, maybe some heavy petting) stemmed from a vulnerability to be accepted & the fear of not being worthy of affection in that way. it turned out the sister had been coerced and had approached him because she was dared to. he was teased & bullied and such, not to mention imperator’s emotional manipulation. i imagine him accepting intimacy is hard in a sense, because he’s worried it will blow up in his face. i think ultimately though he’s avoided it. i may even go so far as to say his sexual experience for example is pretty scarce... but i’m still mulling over this, at present. of course it would be verse dependent, also.. but his hesitance will not change unless he’s comfortable. if he trusts you enough to let you in, he’s going to let you give this intimacy to him because it feels like relief to finally feel safety in it. safety’s ability to live in intimacy is something he needs to discover more. i think he would be the type to wanna let go of the control. he likes sexual intimacy sure, but his favourites are the physical/emotional. he likes to feel enveloped, and cared for. he wants to feel how he never did growing up i guess.

[   💀     ] has your muse gone through anything traumatic? if so, how has this trauma affected them?

whoa boy. uh, yes i think we went over some above. he went through enormous amounts of teasing, bullying... isolation, socially for the most part. like, his only friend was terzo.. & even then he felt like an outsider. he felt abandoned by his parents, he felt ashamed because he knew who his mother was yet was never acknowledged until she had something to gain from his being her son. verbal abuse/insults, emotional manipulation. one time as a teenager there was an incident where someone killed one of his ‘pet’ rats. i think generally he was just made to feel like he wasn’t worth protection, nor love even? & while he dreamed of it, he always wondered if that was for him. but he always worked very hard, and he achieved. got his title, his higher-up position. but he still wasn’t respected, especially by nihil. who he doesn’t KNOW but suspects is his dad. the trauma made him the socially awkward, hesitant & panic stricken man he was/still is. he definitely wasn’t socialized or acclimated to the real world. he very rarely as a boy/teen was outside of the property & because of that it took him a long time to adjust to certain things. i think he ran errands as a cardinal, but even then it was tense. i think most of his confidence in his early days on stage was emulating terzo & just... instincts. just letting the music and the crowd take over his body & possess him until he got the hang of it. but it makes him hesitant to seek out intimacy, it makes him distrustful of people being nice/friendly/otherwise wanting to help him... self esteem issues, and panic attacks/anxiety. fear of further abandonment, the inability to see himself as different than the man everyone mistreated. idk, he’s very unintentionally charming and wise and like, funny.. but he never truly realized that until the masses made him believe it. before he was made to think he was off-putting or weird, if you catch my drift? not to mention the fact that he was manipulated into agreeing to the killing of his only friend, & his (maybe) brothers.

[  🧱   ] how would you describe your muses’ morality? what are their core values?

uhh well he’s a devout clergyman, and has been raised and indoctrinated into this religion since he was a little boy (whenever imperator came back presumably, though i hc she left nihil long enough to have copia and brought him home). he was raised by sisters of sin, so he’s definitely in touch with his sensitivity. very much a man raised by women, in every sense. & while he’s soft towards those of that nature he’s got a sort of reserved (nervous if not standoffish) demeanour with others. most of the people around him were tormentors of his young adulthood and he’s bitter & nervous around them to be sure. however, he doesn’t ever fight back or hurl insults bc his brain could never get to it quick enough. so he has a normal sense of right & wrong like the average person, but ofc skewed to align with his beliefs. but what sticks out in his mind as heroic (what he dreamed could have been the case for him more), are those who stand up for the little guy.. or the people who help people who need it. i think he shares the church’s values closely but at the same time he’s always gonna stand up for the fair treatment of others. especially the broken misfit toys of the earth. he wants to protect now that he’s able to, just as he wants to be protected. that’s why he gets on so much with the ghouls, and he’s thoughtful of them. he wants to protect them as they’re sworn to protect him in turn. he just has a thing for human decency that swells when he sees / meets / interacts with fans and new friends. he’s not above going to certain measures to protect who he loves, but he clearly feels guilt over the emeritus brothers in my head. but at the same time he feels guilty for it subsiding, and the war between finally accepting that he’s worthy of love for who he is & between hating himself for what he’s done is raging. 

PROMPTS I’D LIKE TO RECEIVE, PART 1.    /  /    @raiighn​

[its-our-paris]

*deep breaths* ok I want to get this off my chest. On the JD v AH topic, it irks me when people’s knee jerk reaction to evidence of him being abused is immediately resorting to “it’s mutual abuse, they’re as bad as each other and both toxic so they deserve each other”. Annoys me to no end. First, we are not going to blame the victim here. Second, why were you so entirely sure that he was the abuser when the allegations first came out, but when tons of evidence point to her lying and being the abuser instead, it’s suddenly “mutual abuse”? Why? Because he’s a man? Because he has substance abuse issues? Because he wrote graphic, horrible texts about his extremely toxic, manipulative ex who tried to frame and defame him and hurt his children to his friends? He’s no perfect role model or saint but none of that makes him abusive. Listening to the audio recordings, to the testimonies of the people around them, to the witness statements, it’s clear that she was the aggressor in the relationship and had no problem with escalating to physical violence (and emotional manipulation) or lying about abuse or even stealing a SA story from her assistant, when he continuously tried to deescalate, split and escape when she started to get physical. There is a clear imbalanced power dynamic in their relationship. And don’t even bring up the marriage counsellor’s “mutual abuse” statement; AH has been proven a liar and changed her stories countless times and the counsellor revealed this as well. From her depo the only accounts of JD being violent came from AH telling her in his absence while she admitted to always instigating fights and violence and didn’t deny her hitting him when he would bring it up in the sessions, and her “claim” has pretty much been debunked by herself in those leaked audio recordings. If he ever hit her, you bet she would bring it up a million times to justify her own violence whenever he tried to reason with her. Instead, she only came after him for splitting when she would start her verbal and physical abuse. Also, the amount of people who said they saw no marks on her at times where she alleged he gave her black eyes, a broken nose, cuts, bruises all across her body? Yeah, no. This woman has been arrested for DV while JD’s exes came out and said he’s kind, gentle and never ever violent. I don’t trust anyone who heard those recordings and doesn’t see what a disgustingly narcissistic, manipulative abuser she is.

P.S. have you seen how she’s been trying to copy his outfits and style these past few days in court? Fucking creepy. It’s also extremely chilling that she spoke at women’s marches about DV and is an ambassador for women’s rights. I’m a DV survivor and I’m both disgusted by and horrified of her; she’s an abuser trying to hide among us AND represent us. Fuck no.

Hah, oh man, I thought you sent this ask to my other (fandom sideblog) instead and didn’t want to answer it there, but you haven’t! Excellent.

Yeah, I agree with you about the audios. That’s really what made me go: Holy shit, I wasn’t *completely* sure about AH before, but that’s just... yeah. Damn. JD is no angel by a long stretch, but I think he deserves to win the case. I really feel for him. I have a bit of experience with verbal abuse in a relationship and gaslighting, and my god, the way she talked to him... I think a lot of people who have that experience are speaking up right now, saying that they recognise this very well.

The court outfits speculations border on reading too much into things for me personally, but they are... weirdly similar, I will admit.

Anyway, I just also wanted to say I’m very sorry to hear you went through the hell that is domestic abuse as well. Big hugs to you! ❤️