#And even when it describes the worst of humanity and the behaviors that escalate into physical violence--

[bonefall]

the worst parent poll made me realize just how many ppl in the fandom are willing to jump straight into abuse apologia. bc on one hand you have ppl dumbing down crow's abuse to "him just being mean" and on the other end you have ppl saying that curlfeather didnt abuse frostpaw because she sacrificed herself and frost + her siblings love her so she couldnt possibly be an abuser. truly mindboggling stuff take these serious topics away from the fandom asap.

Part of me feels like it's because many in this fandom have a feeling that if a character's actions are abusive, it means you're "not allowed" to like them. Like there's an impulse where if you liked a character, it MUST mean they weren't THAT bad, because you'd personally never like "an abuser."

As if it reflects poorly on your own morality, as a person, that you connected with An Abuser. Understood them, even. Even if it was just a character.

If it's immoral to Like Abusive Characters, of course your reaction is going to end up being abuse apologia. To enjoy something isn't logical, it's emotional, so you will get defensive about it when questioned. When you do, it's not going to be based on logic because you didn't reason yourself into that position in the first place. It's an attack on you as a person.

I feel like that's often the root of abuse apologia in this fandom, and sometimes the world at large; "If I admit that this character/person IS abusive, it means I was doing something bad by liking them, so I have to prove to everyone else that they weren't or it means I'm bad too."

And to that I say... That's a BAD impulse! Grow up and admit you resonated with a character that did a bad thing! If that's an uncomfortable thought, sit with it!

Sometimes abusers are likeable! They usually DO think they're justified in their actions, or doing it for "a good reason," or were just too preoccupied to care. MOST of the time, people who commit abusive actions are also hurt or traumatized in some way. You might even empathize with them. None of this means their actions have to be excused or downplayed.

"Abusers" aren't a type of goddamn yokai, they're people just like you and me. You don't help victims of abuse by putting the people who hurt us in an "untouchable" category.

In fact, all it does is make you less likely to recognize your own controlling behavior. You're capable of abuse. People you love are capable of it, too. People who love YOU can still hurt you.

In spite of how often people regurgitate "It's Ok To Like A Character As Long As You're Critical Of Their Actions," every day it is proven to me further and further that no one who says it actually understands what that means.

All that said; I think it's no contest which one's a worse parent, imo.

They both mistreated their children, but Curlfeather did it through manipulation without verbal or physical abuse. She politically groomed her into a position of power so that she could use her as a pawn. It can be argued if this counts as child abuse-- but it's firmly still under the broad category childhood maltreatment, which is damaging.

(though anon I'm with you 100% at seeing RED when "but she sacrificed herself" is used as an excuse. Curlfeather's death does NOT CHANGE what she did to Frostpaw in life. I think it's a valid point to bring up when comparing her to another terrible parent for judgement purposes, such as in the context of this poll, but I really hate the implication that redemption deaths "make up" for maltreatment.)

Crowfeather, meanwhile, is textually responsible for putting Breezepaw through verbal AND physical abuse, as well as child neglect. His motivations include embarrassment from a hurt ego, revenge on his ex, and being sad because of a dead girlfriend. This abuse drives Breezepelt towards radicalization in the Dark Forest.

You could argue Curlfeather is a worse person for Reedwhisker's murder, but as a parent? It's not even a question to me. Crowfeather's one of the worst dads in WC.

[animeyanderelover]

Finally was able to catch your request box open!

May I request Sebastian with either prompt 9 or 25? Thank you very much and hope you have a happy holiday!

Here we go!

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, manipulation, sick s/o, abduction

Prompt 25: “This might sound weird but I like it when you’re sick. Because then you let me take care of you.”

Long fingers were gently smoothing out the knots in your tousled hair, skilled to disentangle them without hurting you even once in the process. In any other situation you'd have refused such an intimate act of affection from his side but fortuna had clearly turned her head away from you. You had come down with what could only be described as the shittiest cold you've ever had in your life at the worst timing in your life. Your body was tired and weak, your muscles were aching and you had a persistent cough.

A headache had been tormenting you for a while now, a feeling as if someone was hitting you harshly against your skull. Somehow the pain seemed to lessen with his fingers running through your hair, allowing you to relax just a little bit. You weren't giving in to him but you'd be a fool to neglect his treatment as of now when getting out of the bed to the toilet felt like you were putting a huge strain on your body. The sooner you could be fit again, the sooner you could stop giving him the pleasure of dependence.

Dehydration and starvation would have put you out of your misery days ago if it wouldn't have been for the demon coaxing everything down your aching throat. Your appetite had decreased as well as your consum of liquid since it was a pain to swallow something and dwindled down the enjoyment of eating and drinking. To your own pity you realized that you probably wouldn't have taken good care of yourself if Sebastian wouldn't have been. He fed you soup and coaxed you into drinking the sometimes bitter herbal tea, forced the very unpleasant medicine down your throat and straightforward just coddled you.

Somehow he had even grown a bit clingier and you assumed it was because of the stupid mate thing that led to his need to be constantly near you. You accepted most of it though you drew the line when he suggested to take a bath, unwilling to let it escalate that far.

"Just endure it for a bit longer..." you thought to yourself silently, allowing your muscles to relax and sink further into the mattress as you were lulled into a slumber. Somehow his presence was surprisingly more comforting during a time of sickness from your side and maybe it was because you knew deep down that he was capable of nursing you properly back to health and attending to your needs.

Besides a small and annoyed grumble from your side when you felt him shifting closer to you on the bed, your back feeling the outline of his body pressing gently against you, you hadn't the energy to complain more. Not with that hoarse voice of yours and your cough. There was this weak flinch of your body when you felt his hands moving down but you fell back weakly when he started massaging the stiffness out of your shoulders and neck.

You were partly embarrassed by how putty you were right now but convinced yourself that you were just selfishly using him to get better soon to fight back once again. You were only human after all, it was fine for you to be weak once in a while. He was a demon.

There was a satisfied hum slipping from his lips when he took your relaxed form in, drifting in and out of slumber at this point.

"You should sleep a bit, dear. You need all the rest you can get." he hummed softly, adoring how needy you had gotten ever since you had fallen ill. Normally you were feisty and stubborn but now you relied on him and didn't rebel against him. Even if he didn't wish for his mate to be sick, he couldn't deny that he would miss this more needy and submissive side of yours a bit as soon as you were healthy again. You were so sweet right now, willingly leaning closer to him since something about his demon side helped you with the chills in your body and the pain stretching from your head to your toes. Even his voice right now was rather pleasant, inviting you to completely pass out from your misery.

You barely registered his little confession as sleep was shutting your system down.

"This might sound weird but I like it when you're sick because then you let me take care of you."

Your reply was uttered out meekly and maybe even unconsciously before you sank down into a silent darkness.

"Just for a little bit..."

[sellina-skyfall]

Dream SMP - We don´t talk about it

Summary: It’s no secret that Tommy believes he’s the greatess person to exist, the ego on that child is bigger then everyone elses in the Dream smp combined. Even thou he can handle his own pretty well in battle, maybe he should think twice before picking fights with gods.

In other words, problem child tries to fight the literal goddess of chaos to try and prove to everyone else that he is strong.

Warning: This work is a work of fiction and in no way should be taken as gospel.This was done with entertainment proposes, and involves the Dream smp characters, and the characters only. It is not my intention to make anyone uncomfortable, or cross any bonderies.

This work contains, a fighting scene, mentions of child abandonment, bad parenting and some violence.

I apologize if there are any mistakes, or if there are some sentences that don’t make much sense. English is not my first language.

This can be read as an Xreader, or as an Xcharacter!

                                           ------------------------------

-I am not a kid!-

-Yes you are Tommy, I'm not teaching you how to murder someone just because you think you're a grown up-

-You're just afraid I'll beat you in a battle!-

I couldn't lie, it was hard not to listen to Techno's and Tommy's querrels. As loud and as annoying as they could get, the two always managed to light up everyones mood. Accuratly, this didn't always work, but for the most part, their little arguments were light hearted and fun. A change of scenery for the usually calm and honestly, quite boring winter empire.

-Ten minutes max until they are at eachothers throats-

The hushed comment made me snicker slightly, a small smile breaking out as I carefully adjusted the tea cup on my hands, making sure to not spill it over the beautifully decored table me and Philza were sitting by. The winged man gave me a knowing look, smile crooking slightly as he gestured back to the fighting pair with a simple nod of his head. My eyes immediatly snapped over, teeth suddently digging into my lips as I held back a laugh. Philza was more then right, those two would be at eachother sooner rather then later. Not that we were too worried, if anything escaled we would simply step in.

Like we always did.

The bird-hybrid more then me, I simply did not have the mental strenght to argue with both Tommy and Techno, they were already hot-headed when alone.

Oh but when they were toguether?

A living time-bomb that could go off over the smallest and dumbest things.

-It really does run in the family, uh Phil?-

It wasn't really a question, if anything, it was more of a little jab to the mans raising methodes. Not that I could really talk, it had been centurys since I had last held a baby, even longer since I had to take care of one. If I had been in Philzas place I would probably have been a worst parent then he ever was.

In response to my teasing, the bird-hybrid simply rolled his eyes, smile softening as he leaned somewhat closer to me. Immediatly catching onto his antics, I decided to play along, quietly suffling forward in my chair before bringging up the cup of tea up to my lips, the smile I had only widening as the childish behavior.

-Mighty words coming from someone who abandoned their child-

-I did no such thing, do you really believe I would be able to abandone a baby? Scar was a follower of mine-

-A very dedicate one if I might add-

Phil's sentence was abruptly interruted by Tommy's voice, the teenager had somehow approached us without any of us noticing. His hands slamed down onto the table, the impact making the glasses and plates shake slightly. It didn't take five seconds before the hybrid was scolding his youngest soon, eyes Sharp as he told Tommy to apolegize.

The teen, however had other plans. His Bright blue eyes were focused on me as his smile praticly occupied half of his face. His next words had be chocking on the tea I had been drinking.

-Well! If Techno won't teach me how to fight then Sellina will! Right!?-

I looked over to Philza in disbelief, eyes widened at the bluntness his child possessed. Tommy really had no manners in conversation, especially when it came to woman. The blond man simply stared back at me, his expression mirrowing mine as his mouth opened and closed several times. We were both at a lost for words. The silence that took over was quite unconfortable, and the intense stare Tommy kept giving me did nothing to make me feel better about the hole situation.

After breathing in slowly I found myself forcing a smile at the teen, hands coming down to rest the partly now spilled tea on the table.

-I don't think that's a good idea Tommy-

-What, you think I can't handle my own?! I'll have you known I'm the strongest in this house hole!-

Techno's snicker was loud enough to catch our attention, so much so that Tommy turned over in his direction to curse him out. Talk about na big ego.

Really, where were this childs manners...

-C'mon Sellina! I'm sure I can beat you in a fight!-

-I don't think so T, but the intention is what counts..-

-Well! If you are so sure of yourself why won't you fight me? At least teach me some cool moves so I can use them agaisnt Techno!-

-You'd have to have blue blood for that buddy. Maybe when you're older Tommy-

The frustation was evidente in Tommys face, his cheeks had redden up and his mouth had dropped into a frown. Without another word the teenager simply stormed off, bangging the door loudly behind him.

I couldn't help but feel slightly bad, a tired sigh escaping me as my shoulders dropped slightly at the teens mood swing.

Humans were way too emotional.

But in the end, there was nothing I could really do, teaching Tommy how to fight was out of the question, and fighting him was na even worst idea. I was not about to train a sixteen year old kid to be a soldier.

My train of thoughts was broken by Philza, who at this point had gotten up and was grabbing the dishes up from the table to put them in the kitchen's sink. Before he did so thou, he gave my shoulder a tight squeeze, eyes soft and understanding. The smile on lips lips was small, but welcoming all the same.

I found myself smilling back with ease.

                                            --------------------------

-Are you sure you don't need me to accompain you home Sellina?-

-With all the due respect dadza, I can take care of myself. You should be more worried for Techno, he seems...-

-I know. The fight with tommy lefy him in a sower mood. He'll be back to normal before you know it-

-If you say so... Alright, take care then. Give the boys kisses for me!-

Quietness.

That's the only real way I could describe the winter florest, apart from breathtaking and beautifull view. Honestly, the scenery looked like it had been straight out ripped from an old fairytail book, the kind of book kids swore held magic.

And maybe, they did.

The snowed covered trees almost touched eachother a the top, the casted shadows creating this welcoming sense of protection. Their frozen leafs shook slightly in the welcoming breeze of the night, even the animals seemed to have gone silent. I found myself slowly coming to a stop in the middle of it all, eyes locked onto the brightly illuminated moon. It had been hard to spot her, after all the threes were rather large, but the sight that welcomed me had made it all worth it.

Nights like this were what made me remember why I was so found of earth. So found of these people that slowly destryed everything they touched. So found of their interactions and relations.

It was never this peacefull and serene out there.

My shoulders relaxed quite quickly, and before I knew it I was calmly enjoying the presence of the cold winter spirt. The wind had started to pick up, but it didn't bother me in the slightless, in reality it made me smile harder.

The small moment of bliss was cut short by the sounds of foot steps fastly approching. For a moment I thought it might have been Techno or maybe even Philza but none of them had any reason to follow me into the florest. I forced myself to stay quiet, holding my breath in as a way to hear the steps better.

They had broken out onto a full blown sprint.

My reaction was pretty much immediate, right hand coming down fast to to summoning my battle axe. I turned on my feet as fast as I could, cape flowing behind me as my eyes fell on the tip of the sword that had barelly missed my face. Instinctively my arm came up, axe in hand as I swung it down with so much force that it sliced right through the dimond sword that once had been held up to me. A squeek left my attackers mouth, but before he could do anything I brought my left leg up, swiftly quicking his leg before swingging once again. The blade barelly missed his face as he fell to the ground with a muffled "thud", the snow aiding in his fall. His breathing was much faster then it should have been, teary blue eyes widened in shock and in terror as he stared up at me like I was some kind of monster. The gripo n my axe flaterred as soon as I recognized who was on the other side of my blade.

-Tommy?-

His name came out in a whisper, arms shaking as I realized how close I had just been to hurting the small teenager. The axe slipped past my fingers and onto the snow as I stared down at Tommy, the frightened look he had inprinting itself into my memory.

Calls of both our names echoed through out the florest, not that I could hear them clearly, everything had started to turn into white noise. That is until Techno stepped into view, rough hands carefully grasping at my face as he tried to gain my attention back. Still, my eyes stayed focussed on Tommy, even when Philza started scolding himw hile checking over for injuries.

-I could have killed him-

-Hey. Hey, c'mon it's it's not your fault. Tommy shouldn't have sneaked up on you-

-Oh my god I could have killed him. Techno I could have killed him-

-It's fine. It's going to be fine-

I don't remember exacly how that night ended, nor' how the next day started.

One thing had been certain thou, Tommy made sure to never ask me to fight him again.

[the-homicidediaries]

Issei Sagawa

“Sometimes I wonder why I did such a horrible thing. Maybe it’s because I come from another planet, or another dimension and accidentally fell to Earth like a meteorite, disguised as a baby crying on the street. My mother walked by and took pity on me. I must have come from a place of cannibals, and I’m the only one of my kind who exists on this planet.”

Good afternoon, everyone who takes the time to read this!

Today, I have the very displeasure of telling you about one of the most.. bizarre human beings I have ever read about.

I have been interested in true crime ever since I could remember. My father is really interested in it as well, so growing up there were always books laying around about the worst of the worst kind of people. Even to this day, my dad and I share stories we heard or a new podcast we listened to or swap books; it’s real fun.  And when you are heavily interested in true crime, you hear and see so many similar stories. This person had an abusive childhood and became a serial killer, this person was not longer interested in being a family man so he killed his whole family and moved away to start a new life, this person was strung out on drugs, this person caught her husband cheating on her and stabbed him as a crime of passion, etc. And while I am not downplaying or excusing these murders AT ALL, because no one should be murdered, I do find myself skipping stories like that. They don’t check my boxes.

Cannibals check my box.  And I have, admittedly, unconsciously, been surrounding myself with cannibalistic aspects. I just finished (another) three part podcast about Jeffrey Dahmer, I’m reading My Friend Dahmer, and watching Attack on Titan like my life depends on it. (Attack on Titan is a Japanese manga series turned into a long running anime about three conjoined towns who are constantly being attacked and eaten by the HUGE human-like zombie creatures, but that is for another day.)

Have I rambled enough? Yes. Yes, I think so. Let’s get into ittttt.

Issei Sagawa, known as Pang or The Kobe Cannibal, was born on April 26th, 1949 in Kobe, Japan to a very wealthy family. Issei has said himself that his childhood was the happiest time of his life and he was a carefree child. He said his parents love him deeply. One thing to note about Issei is that he was born prematurely (and he looks.. off) and doctors did not think he would survive. Issei said because of this, he has always seen himself as an undesirable person. So, instead of friends, Issei had books! Because his family was so wealthy, Issei was afforded an incredible education and was able to travel all over the world and learn about music, art, literature, etc.  He was very interested in art. This will come back around later.

So how does a rich, seemingly normal, intelligent child become a cannibal?  Issei contributes a few things to this: *Issei said his first cannibalistic urge happened when he was in first grade and saw a fellow classmate’s thighs. *Issei said sex was a taboo subject around his household. He said when he had reached a certain age, he began having erections, like all boys do, but he thought he was sick and was too embarrassed to tell anyone. He didn’t know how to relieve himself at this time.. soooo. He, uh, got help from his dog.  Yeah. Yeeeah. (I watched an interview he did with Vice about ten years ago, which I will link below, and watching him describe this so nonchalantly made me the most uncomfortable. Actually, he is nonchalant the entire interview and it’s so disturbing and uncomfy. At one point he says, “I think my sexual desires began to distort around that time.”  Yeah, I would say so, buddy.) *Issei said he would have a reoccurring dream where he and his brother were being boiled in a large pot to be eaten. Issei said he flipped the script and began to fantasize about what it would be like to eat someone. As with most premeditated killers, his fantasies escalated from curiosity to behavior. *Issei was obsessed with western women. He said they are tall and beautiful and he has described himself as a “weak, ugly, and small man”. In an interview after what he keeps calling an “incident”, Issei claimed one of the reasons he consumed human flesh was to “absorb her energy”. 

Issei said he did practice a good amount of restraint for his cannibalistic urges until his college years. While attending Wako University in Tokyo, Issei said he saw a beautiful, blonde, German woman walking by and he was “dazzled by her white thighs”.  One day, he broke into this woman’s apartment on the ground floor. He said his plan was to hit her in the head with an umbrella so he could get a knife from her kitchen and cut into her buttocks and eat it. He was extremely hesitant and his knees accidentally brushed against her stomach, waking her up. She screamed and Issei fled. Police charged him with attempted rape.  Issei said he did explain to psychiatrists about his sexual urges but they didn’t consider it cannibalism and let him go. 

After this, Akira (his father) sent Issei to study comparative literature at Sorbonne University in France in 1981. In the interview, as Issei is recalling this, he said his mother had the an extremely sad look on her face the day he was leaving, “like she knew something horrible was going to happen”. (I could think of a reason why.)

Issei had not forgotten about how close he had gotten to fulfilling his fantasy of eating a European woman back in Tokyo. He was convinced if he was more prepared he could follow through with it flawlessly. He said when he moved to France, he would bring home a sex worker almost every night, but everytime he tried to shoot her, his fingers would freeze. While studying at Sorbonne University, Issei set his eyes on 25-year old Dutch student, Renée Hartevelt. Issei said Renée was so beautiful and he had never seen anyone like her before. (She really was stunning and looked like such a sweet person.) He also said he didn’t want to get caught staring at her, so he began making sketches of her.  From what I read, and I do not know how accurate this is, the two started as friends and eventually Issei began to pursue Renée romantically. He would take her on dates to art museums and dinner. When he confessed his feelings for her, she insisted they just remain friends because she was not sexually attracted to him.  So Issei lied to Renée and told her his professor wanted him to record some German poetry. Renée didn’t think anything about helping out a fellow classmate, so she was happy to come over and help.  Issei said he picked out the poem she read, and as she was reading the poem out loud at his desk, he pulled a rifle out of a closet and shot her in the neck. He said she kept reciting the poem after he shot her, then she just.. stopped. Issei said he fainted after he shot her and when he came to he almost called an ambulance for her, but he knew he would regret it if he lost this opportunity to act out his fantasies.

I am going to quote Issei verbatim from his interview with Vice.

TRIGGER WARNING

“I lied to her that my professor wanted some German poetry recorded. That was the pretext. She didn’t doubt a thing. I chose the poetry. I reached for the gun while she was reading. I was talking to her with a smile on my face. I was really scared. Yet I did pull the trigger. She... kept on talking... until suddenly she fell silent. First she collapsed onto the desk, then fell to the ground with the chair. I laid a towel under her head then undressed her. I had everything planned out in my head from which part i would start feasting on and such. Starting with her ass. I thought it looked the most delicious. It had to be the right cheek, not the left. The left cheek is closer to the heart and I’m scared of blood. I abruptly bit into it, but it was too hard to bite into. It hurt my jaw. I tried cutting in with a fruit knife but it didn’t go through. I gave up and went to the market. I bought a curved meat knife. Finally it went through the flesh. I thought I’d see red meat right away, but there was a yellow corn-like substance, which I later found out was fat. I had to cut deeply to reach the red meat. I don’t remember if I sliced it off, or tore it off with my fingers. I put most of my favorite parts, like the thighs, in the fridge.”

My face right now.

He’s leaving out a lot of details on this.. right after he shot Renée, he had sex with her corpse. And, like I said before, he is so nonchalant about all of this. He ate a LOT of her. I saw a picture of eleven paper plates loaded with human flesh, muscles, and fat. Both of her breasts, her nose, her tongue, her bottom lip, and most of her lower half (her hips, middle of her stomach, and thighs) was missing. He did say he tried to eat her breast, but it was mostly fat and he didn’t enjoy it. Her buttocks, however, “(It) melted in my mouth like raw tuna in a sushi restaurant.” He continued to try different parts of Renée’s body. He would fry pieces of her and eat other parts with mustard. He even decapitated her. He took pictures of Renée’s mutilated body and would have sex with it while listening to the recording of her reading the German poem.

For four days.

He mentioned how June is the hottest month in Paris and he was worried the body would start to rot. So he took Renée’s body to the bathroom and cut her up so he could get rid of it. (He also mentioned after finishing his graduate program, he wanted to go to Greece. He said he took a big luxurious boat and actually shared a table with a butcher and his wife during dinner. He said the butcher was a fat, jolly man and told him how to butcher meat. Issei wrote a letter to the butcher after “the incident” thanking him. He said the butcher never wrote back.)

One he had cut the body up into pieces, he placed the pieces into two suitcases and, made plans to dump the body in a lake in Bois de Boulogne, called in a cab.  “It wasn’t easy getting the body into [the suitcases]. The torso is extremely heavy. It’s really hard to cut to begin with. It’s nothing like a horror movie.” When the cab driver picked up Issei’s suitcases to put them in the cab, he asked Issei if he had a dead body in them. (That tidbit made me really sad.)

Once Issei reached the lake, he pushed the suitcases down the slope. He vastly underestimated how light it still was outside at 8 pm. He said several people were sunbathing still. The sun was setting across the lake, and Issei said for the first time, he saw color. He was fascinated watching a young boy and his grandfather at the top of a hill and while he was distracted, another man came up, opened one of the suitcases, and saw a bloody bedsheet with legs wrapped in it. A woman screamed and someone else yelled, “Murderer!”  Issei said he just walked away.

Issei was, of course, arrested. He was interrogated by three psychiatrists who deemed him mentally insane. Issei was sent to a criminal psych ward, but before he could even begin treatment, he was deported back to Japan because the French people were very uncomfortable with him being there at their expense.  Once Issei arrived back in Japan, he mentioned the hospital he was staying at didn’t conclude that he was mentally ill, just that he had a personality disorder. Issei was forced to leave the hospital without undergoing any treatment. He did not serve any time in prison for ungodly crimes he had committed.  Actually, in a weird turn of events, he became a local celebrity. He became an author, had several interviews, has illustrated mangas (that’s why I mentioned he loves art), made porn, and was even a food critic. He even travelled to Canada, Mexico, and Iceland with two friends of him. I don’t have time to cover all of that because that in itself could be a whole other essay, but like I said, I will link the YouTube video I watched below.

And that is the gruesome, awful, gut wrenching story of Issei Sagawa.

Below are pictures of Issei Sagawa and his victim, Renée Hartevelt. I am also linking the Vice interview on YouTube as well as the crime scene photos. Please view at your own risk.

Thank you for reading. <3

Crime scene photos: https://murderpedia.org/male.S/s/sagawa-issei-photos-2.htm Vice Interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BosZxa1bYcE&t=336s

[girlmeetsliv3]

Yandere Types

Warning: The following story contains mentions of manipulation, abuse, and vivid descriptions of abusive acts. The behavior and mindset of the characters in this will be incredibly yandere and toxic. This is a work of fiction and doesn’t represent the character of bangtan sonyeondan. Enjoy ~~~

These are the characteristics of each of the boys or their yandere types

Kim Namjoon 

      He was the devil incarnate, no doubt about it. Namjoon would have his mindset about you the moment your eyes met and the moment you decided to give him a soft smile your fate was sealed. Life was a game of chess, but a man of his wits and intellect found playing just one game far too boring. His tactics were guerilla warfare: he would attack you physically, emotionally, and mentally until you finally surrendered. He knew which strings to pull to get whatever he wanted and you could swear he was psychic with the foresight this man had.

      His punishments were the worst since he inflicted wounds that never healed. A snide comment here, a backhanded compliment, a string of insults whispered so softly and daringly into your ear. It was like a snake that slithered into your conscious and made you doubt everything about yourself; everything you knew true.

       Namjoon is a modern man and would be bored with a trophy wife so you would be someone intellectual but a bit naive. Probably younger, but mature for your age. He doesn't want a doll, he desires for you to be his equal. That doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy having you break your spine to please him quite the opposite really. Overall, if you find yourself in a relationship with this man or “in love” with him. Expect it to play out like all the greatest Shakespearean love stories: an ironic tragedy entirely avoidable but one that will go down in history.

Kim Seokjin

    If Kim Seokjin was the embodiment of anything it was vain and all the implications that word held. He was a beautiful man and knew how the world responded to that beauty. Knew the things he could get from weaponizing it and he often did just that. If his beauty was the weapon, his words were the artillery. That man could charm virgin Mary into his bed and possibly Joseph too. The power that beautiful people held was one often exploited by society; why should he behave any differently. Had he desired it he could rule the world, simply be controlling those that did.

      You were not as beautiful as him. Nowhere close. Seokjin would never date anyone who could rival him. Still, it was the way in which you held yourself, the way you knew of the power you also held that intrigued him. He had seen it in action various times. When you wanted something, you went from being the shy recluse in the back to something entirely different. All you had to do was straighten your back and part your lips slightly and suddenly the world was on its knees. Seokjin knew plenty of people that had this ability, but what interested him was how scarcely you used it. Only for insignificant things. But his curiosity turned to full-blown obsession once you refused him.

         He felt that you needed to learn to hone of your skills to properly utilize them entirely to your benefit (and his). However, you blatantly refused his advances and stated you were disgusted by individuals like him. Him? Disgusting? Oh, darling, you have no idea what you've done. Seokjin will go into power mode with his charms, but he'll do it with the purpose of turning everything and everyone against you. It works so well, even birds don't sing in proximity to you. When you finally succumb and beg him to stop, he agrees but not before he's the bed you and marked you as his for the world to see. There's no escape now.

Min Yoongi

       Everyone needs company even those who blame to despise it entirely. Yoongi saw the world around him as hopeless and doomed; the individuals who resided in it is the perfect example of this. He was aware of how the world worked: everybody is somebody's whore. Something to be used to achieve an end goal and then tossed aside when no longer necessary or gratifying. He too participated in this ritual for he had no choice. Being one of the elite held certain responsibilities and if he was entirely honest, he found the other side to be much worse. Isolation, desperation, and distress plague those that live there.

     If Yoongi where ever to be listed in the dictionary, you would be listed under antonym. It wasn't that you believed the world wasn't cruel, but that not all of it was. Not that people weren't used and abused, but not everyone. You believed that every human being had good in them and that is what separated them from animals. Yoongi believed that what made human beings animals is that they could often choose differently but they never did. When the two of you met, you found yourself in the midst of heated arguments more often than not. People around you had developed a nickname for the two of you: the hippie and the war veteran.

       Though to you, it was all in good fun and a way to openly communicate differences in a healthy way. The obsession Yoongi began to form with you was anything but healthy. He actively sought you out, looking for any reason to prove you wrong so that you could try to prove him wrong. Things escalated one night when he claimed that humans were entirely selfish and took whatever they wanted with little thought. When you disagreed, Yoongi proved you wrong by drugging you, taking you to his car, driving you to his house and locking you up so you could never escape.

Jeon Hoseok

      A wild card. This man can go from being an angel to falling down from the heavens in a matter of seconds. Hoseok is a smart man but doesn't see the point in wasting time with complicated plots and extreme forms of manipulation. He's old school. If you disobey him, Hoseok has no qualms about hitting you, breaking a few bones, or even permanently paralyzing you. He has suffered too much under the pressures of life and finds it unfair that others have not.

       You would likely come from a tragic background like him. However, you refused to learn. Refused to give up hope that a rainbow comes after the rain. Hoseok would see it as his responsibility to protect you, devote himself to you. He would be your knight in shining armor and defend you against the cruelties of the world at whatever cost. Even if that meant subjecting you to them so you would learn. All that could be handled if not for the fact that under that armor could be found a dragon hiding far more dangerous than the one you were being protected from.

        As an outgoing man, he would enjoy someone on the calmer side to balance him out. Hoseok grows attached extremely fast; it's more of imprinting than love - but don't you dare tell him that. Unfortunately for him, every bone in your body could be broken but never your resilience. Meaning that even if you never escape, you'll never truly belong to him. Unless of course, external force your hand.

Park Jimin

     Appearances can be so deceiving. Park Jimin looks like a giant ball of fluff and acts like one too. He's that elementary crush you had on the boy who was extremely nice to everyone and everyone seemed to like; up until you realized he wasn't actually all that nice. You'd always know of him. His looks and talents always gave him a spot among the elite in school and life, but he also knew of you. Though his voice might be quieter and softer pitched, his body was crafted meticulously. You were also aware of his reputation as a ladies man or a man's man whenever it piqued his interest.

          The two of you would never outright approach each other, it was fate that was responsible for bringing the two of you together and all the tragedy that ensued. As polite as you attempted to be at the beginning the bluntness of your personality created a riff. It wasn't until the project both of you were working on got more complex that things began to develop. After spending so much time together, it became clear that there was something between the two of you. Neither could really pinpoint what it was, not until an argument the two of you had about the presentation; which resulted in you being bent over a table, wrists trapped as Jimin attacked your lips. You agreed to go on a date because you assumed the man might realize the lack of chemistry between both of you.

    The exact opposite happened. Every time you bickered with each other, he assumed that it was because there was so much passion it couldn't be helped. When he asked you what kind of movie you wanted and the response was, “anything that isn't romantic”, he’d taken it to mean that no love story could ever live up to your own. The date had been a failure, but the second you walked onto campus the next day everyone was talking about Park Jimin's new girl - their words weren't all that nice. Putting up with Jimin was a lot easier said than done: the man followed you around more than your imaginary friend had when you were six. Finally, after a month, you had enough and marched straight into Jimin's apartment to end things with him. That day you learned that for as much light as someone may seem to possess there must always be a balance. You weren't able to walk or wear short-sleeved shirts for two weeks, but it was okay because now you were stuck by his side and would never leave him. The ends would always justify the means.

Kim Taehyung

       Peculiar was the perfect word to describe Kim Taehyung; perhaps it was even made for him. His peculiar actions and behavior often drove others to distance himself from him, but not you. He eventually learned to disguise his stranger impulses and how to appear like a normal part of society. It also helped that the older he got the more handsome he became. People are willing to overlook the most atrocious things if they are done by beautiful people. None of that ever mattered to him though, he was content living in his own little bubble - with you of course.

      Being a little strange yourself, you were attracted to Taehyung from a young age. It was more of a child's curiosity and your parents have taught you that everyone deserves a friend. You became his friend instantly. His only friend. He didn't care for the outside world or what it thought of him, but your opinion and affection was worth everything. He would always be glued to your side and more often than not it felt like the two of you shared a soul. Something you wanted to severe when his odd habits were exposed. Something he would never allow.

       Despite everything, he could always be pacified - unless you tried to leave him. Then you would find yourself dealing with a man so crazed, nothing would seem extreme to him. You were his and he was yours. In life and death. Rest assured that if the first one didn't work out he wouldn't hesitate to attempt the latter. Taehyung would never lock you inside forever, he wanted you to live and love the way you had before. Wanted everything to be the same as it was before; with the added benefit of you sharing not only his heart but bed. For the sake of you and everyone you love, submitting to this crazed man is the best option out there. If you don't well, don't say you weren't warned.

Jeon Jungkook

   A God among mere mortals and he behaved that way. Nothing existed above him: no societal standard, no law, no moral. He was the embodiment of them. It was he who was responsible for exerting his will over the world, and the world seemed quite fine with that. There were words that didn't exist in his vocabulary, but the most recognizable one was “no.” That was a word that could never be uttered in his presence or God bless your soul. Actually, considering who he was, Jungkook bless your soul. The man held no regard for those that lived under his rule and took pleasure in torturing them whenever he was bored. Not that it was very entertaining as they were far too eager to please most of the time. You, however, were not.

       It must always be noted that it is the atypical maiden that captures the god's attention and that the events that ensue are anything but sweet. Maybe it was because you always spoke your truth, you didn't believe yourself to be superior to anyone, and you looked him in the eyes when you spoke. Though it was probably because you were the first to utter that infamous word to him. Had you been anyone else, he might have had your head. But it was the way in which you said it, with no rude intent, that had the man obsessing over you for weeks. There is a negative thing to be said about gods and that is that they can be quite delusional. Jungkook believed you were trying to play a game of cat and mouse. That whenever you would glance at him, smile politely, and wave you were truly confessing your love to him. Jungkook being the gracious man that he was accepted your confession and began a relationship with you - entirely without your knowledge.

     You would realize soon, however. When wherever you looked he was there. Whenever you needed something only he could provide it. When a nice transfer student had asked you out to lunch and he ended up in the back of an alleyway dead. God's will should never be tested and there was little you could do to refuse. If you attempted to escape, he would trap you in his home permanently. Trying to resist would result in your loved ones being threatened. He was not against beating the resistance out of you. Besides, all you needed was him. It was he that allowed you to live, to love, to experience things; all through him. God was inescapable and not even death will do you part.

[criticalotterstudies]

To Dworkin's admirers, she was a hot-rod combination of martyr and holy warrior, a survivor of sexual abuse who dared to speak truth to power. To her critics, she was a raging harpy who rose up out of nowhere, intent on taking away their porn and (some of the male ones vaguely suspected) their manhood. With law professor Catharine MacKinnon she wrote an ordinance (passed by the city of Indianapolis) that defined pornography as a kind of speech crime that violated the civil rights of all women -- the law was later overturned as unconstitutional. She testified before the infamous Meese Commission on pornography, forming what many saw as a dangerous alliance with the radical right. She was said to have written that all heterosexual intercourse was the equivalent of rape, though she denied that the passage in question amounted to such a claim.

Dworkin was a gifted, galvanizing communicator, both in print and as a public speaker. She was the Jonathan Edwards of radical feminism, capable of calling ecstatic souls to her cause, transforming her listeners and readers in ways many of them never forgot, even if they eventually came to disagree with her. (See Susie Bright's eloquent eulogy for an example.) She could inspire impromptu Take Back the Night marches and the instant formation of anti-violence groups, sincere efforts to do something to check the abuse that real women really do suffer every day, even if the response to it in this case was more ideological than practical.

But Dworkin was also a pioneer of a particular and pernicious type of rhetoric, one currently being used much more effectively by talk radio hosts and the extreme political right. Here's a classic example: During the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Dworkin quarreled with feminists who did not consider Bill Clinton's sexual encounters with the White House intern to be sufficiently exploitative to merit impeachment. A principled, reasonable argument could be made that Clinton's behavior was unethical, but Dworkin was never about reason. "What needs to be asked," she told a British journalist, "is, was the cigar lit?"

The statement (it seems too sensationalistic to be called a quip) is pure Dworkin: a ghoulishly creative melodramatic flourish that has little bearing on the matter at hand. Clinton may have acted sleazily, with a callous disregard for the emotional consequences of his actions on a young woman who was too naive and eager-to-please to grasp them herself, but no one suspects or has accused him of sadistically torturing her. Yet Dworkin was never able to enter into a conversation about morality unless the stakes were escalated to the stratosphere. The everyday realm where most of us commit our minor sins against, and injuries to, each other didn't really interest her. She only cared for the Grand Guignol.

Dworkin came out of and contributed to a subculture of feminism that specialized in this kind of irresponsible overstatement. A certain style developed: Throw out a handful of lurid, grisly anecdotes as if they amounted to an indictment of an entire class of people (usually men), who, if the worst of them can be shown to be guilty of such outrages, must all be equally responsible for them. The shock will soften your audience up enough to keep them from asking just how typical such atrocities really are and how widely condoned. Yes, they do happen, but like the handful of kidnapped little girls during the summer of 2002, such horrors can be made to seem epidemic when they're actually a rarity. Meanwhile, the much less exciting, if far more common, troubles of women who are simply trying to feed their children on inadequate wages, or get a decent job, fall by the wayside.

After this came the dodgy statistics, the one out of every four women said to have been raped in her lifetime, the alleged upsurge in domestic violence reports after the Super Bowl, and other mediagenic numbers. If these "facts" later turned out to be wobbly (or, in the case of the Super Bowl story, an outright hoax), many women's advocates rarely seemed to grasp the damage they'd done. After all, they were only calling attention to real, pervasive problems, which rape and domestic violence unquestionably are.

But here's the rub: If you get sloppy with the truth, then anyone who doesn't feel like dealing with those problems can happily devote himself to quibbling with your numbers instead. Does it really matter that much whether it's one women in four who will be raped, or one woman in 10? Or 20? It's still too many, and it needs to be stopped. Good luck getting that done while everyone's busy arguing about your stats.

The ravaged, bruised and mutilated women who parade through Dworkin's writings can seem as insubstantial as these numbers. As described by her, they're like the characters in an urban legend or campfire story, like the girl who finds the bloodied hook hanging from the car door handle. She tells their stories with an unseemly relish, and they're portrayed as completely and utterly helpless and abject, with no one to turn to but their equally brutalized yet indomitable champion. "Heartbreak" professes to be the testament of someone who has devoted herself to abused women, but the only three-dimensional human being who emerges from the book's Sturm und Drang is Dworkin herself. It's a mistake to equate a writer's work with how she lives her life, so let us hope that, in person, Dworkin managed to treat these women as more than rescue objects.

Perhaps in recent years Dworkin was pleased to see support for her own ideas in the theories of evolutionary psychologists who argue for the innate aggression of male sexuality, and even go so far as to suggest that men are born to rape. Probably not, though; she would have likely seen it as an excuse to go on raping. The very opposite of self-reflective, she never reconsidered her position on porn, so she surely never wondered what all the time and energy feminists spent on the "Sex Wars" of the 1980s might have accomplished if it had been redirected toward helping abused women gain the financial and emotional wherewithal to reclaim their lives. Her contribution to the discussion on most issues failed the ultimate litmus test: Even when she was right, she made the public conversation stupider. (Though some of her opponents, who could rarely resist ad hominem remarks about her appearance, surpassed her even in that.)

https://www.salon.com/2005/04/12/dworkin_3/

[goddamnitlady]

OOC // super long post of me talking at myself, trying to make sense of my behaviour.

I need to put this chaos of thoughts down on the page. Or else they might claw my skull open from the inside out. This text is so super personal it would fit better in my diary. This is me talking at me.

So no obligation to you to read this!!!

I realise I’m so shaken, that in the below text, I will be (re-)constructing my own narrative about myself. I’ll do that right here. 

I will use this narrative to review what I learnt about my behaviour, re-interpret my past and then frame my current social reality. If I use kinder language, perhaps I'll think kinder of myself? Gotta try that. This is my unstructured train of thought, me talking at me. If you want to read about me talking at you, scroll down.

Enjoy some nude TMI. It’s long.

INTRO - BEHAVIOUR 

Yesterday I went to A.DHD Central to get tested and maybe a diagno.sis and surprise, I have it! I saw it coming and I'm okay with this. It explains why... 

why I'm always so easily distracted

why it's almost painful to be bored

why it's almost to do difficult tasks 

why I've got social periods that can last days or month and then suddenly get asocial periods

why I forget something 3 seconds after you said it

why I can't remember more than 3 instructions

why I don't have one train of thought, but 3 or 4. And I need to jump from train to train to keep up with them.

Okay so that's that.

The OTHER thing that I cannot stop thinking about now is just as important. The old man said it very casually, like: "oh btw on such an intense diagnosis day our team of trained specialist always finds other mental difficulties people developed too. AD.HD comes with friends. We see you have (traits of) avoi.dant personality disor.der okay continuing on, your computer test showed..."

And today I'm at home. I picked up my me.ds this morning and I've started dosing. I started thinking, wait what did they say yesterday about that other thing? So I read through Wikipedia.

ME TALKING @ ME. ^That new info about my behaviour changes my interpretation of my past.   

Yesterday a professional told me that 50% of the kids with ADH.D leave primary school feeling like an outcast so it's not weird I was bullied too.

On primary school I was dia.gnosed with dyslexia and dyscalculia. It means that letters and numbers magic to me. They tremble and swap places or vanish. The classes Maths and Languages were awful to me. Biology and History were better and more fun but they also make use of numbers (dates/calculations). Art class (with my hands or brain) was the one thing I could actually do. I could do presentations and discussions as well.

But I felt different from my peers because they could learn things so EASILY compared to me. I wasn't dumb, I understood, but then the explanation was gone and I'd forgotten it again(AD.HD). So I needed lots of repetition to learn. And then once I understood it the letters/numbers kept moving without my consent! (dyslexia/dyscalucia) Stupid letters/numbers.

I moved houses and thus switched schools. On the new school became bullied by being socially exluded, ignored, and critisized.

That bullying made me feel like I could be 'attacked' in class all the time. In hindsight I was sensitive to stimuli. Everyone has a filter on their mind that ignores certain things (like the fact you are breathing. congratulations, you are now aware that you are breathing) and lets other things through (such as the honk of a car when you're jaywalking). Child!me must have been working super hard to 

pay attention to class 

filter stimuli 

categorise high-speed which stimuli are hostile 

muffle intense emotional reactions 

consider which version of reply would create least conflict/emotion 

A lack of sleep (from reading books until late) make me sleepy during the day thus less sensitive to (negative) stimuli. 

So I became from age 10 onward very much an outcast/ anxious/ nervous/ shy/ avoidant-of-confrontations-where-I-could-be-rejected. 

I was bullied on secondary school too. Jackpot.

I worked harder than average but my grades were lower than average. I felt inadequate. Inferior. My self reflection went into overdrive. I started to think things like... if I can't do maths or language and don't like people, what sort of career could I do? What value did I have to humanity?  Was I not just taking up resources? I felt guilt and shame that my parents had to waste(!) money on me. No economic equation could justify having me around. I was a useless human being. My only good trait is that I'm kind to people, showing kindness always -- even if they don't deserve it. Because I know what it’s like to be hurt and I don’t want to do that to anyone. 

(I feel so fucking lucky that I grew up in a loving family because holy shit teenage!me sounded like the textbook perfect victim for types of abuse.)

I worked hard in all my classes and it paid off. I went to the above-medium level of education for secondary school. Finally away from my bullies at age 15,5! I think that ended my de.pression too. I switched schools to above-medium, it was a normal period on that secondary school.  Two more years after that went fine. Made my long-term school friends and cosplay friends in that time and since. Yay!

After that, I studied graphic design on adult education medium level, then for Teacher of English As A Foreign Language on above-medium level, now I'm this(!) close to finishing Literature Studies on university (highest) level. Take that, insecurity. I'm not stupid. My specialities (creativity) just lay elsewhere than the standard measurement.

I read somewhere that AD.HD people don't have normal emotions but that one emotion TIMES TEN. So a small mention of rejecton from another person causes a feeling of REJECTION TIMES TEN in me. I can easily say that I have joy times TEN, fear times TEN, and enthusiasm times TEN too, which can make me a very charming person?

I initially thought this strong emotional fear of rejection was the AD.HD-only symptom called RSD, rejection-sensitive dys.phoria. What makes it into a personality diso.rder?

Answer: Persistent malfunctioning in society. 

ME TALKING @ ME. Re-framing my social reality and examining my behaviours.

I malfunction as follows: I experience extreme shyness in certain moments, feel anxious before or during new social situations, don't want to go to the kitchen if my housemates are there, have a fear of emailing/calling people, or approaching groups. Fear of asking money back (I feel like "I'm not worth even a euro"). I have a GIANT fear of being rejected by others. Giant fear of being ridiculed. Cast out.

This leads to a behavior pattern where I avoid conflict. I'm just too scared to do them. Critique freaks me out (because me emotions will skyrocket times ten). And it's the worst when I'm doing a project with people (such as preparing a presentation with a group/making cosplay costume with a friend/travelling home by train and someone needs to pick me up). People are the worst. I feel I always let them down.

So then anticipate on being inadequate, take longer to do it perfect, get ill from thinking up a thousand stressful could-be's, then fiiiiiinally reach out, and hear "you should have done X" or "why didn't you call me earlier?! Now I have to deal with this escalated mess!"

HOW I RESPOND TO ONLINE STIMULI

When friends send me a message online, I get scared. I ALWAYS have fear of opening them. I always think "what did I do wrong this time?" I always anticipate an attack. This is why it's good I have both friends AND other people on whatsapp. Sometimes this emotional anticipation or reaction is so strong that it can dominate my mood for hours.

Sometimes (when I'm most afraid) I open the message to get rid of the notification and don't actually read it. 

Sometimes (when I'm fearful brave) I take a deep breath and read it and take an hour to deal with the stressful emotional reaction. I want to reply but 1)I need to think of the perfect reply to type up so the negative situation will be quelled or/or followed by 2) my AD.HD forgets it.

Sometimes (when I'm happy) I can respond immediately. I'm functional!!!

Sometimes (when I'm happy) I respond immediately and them too and it's fun! And I have a blast! Wow, talking to friends is so much fun!!! I'm charming. I'm fast. I'm celebrating.

Nowadays I have a lot of friends. At least twenty five! They're divided into four groups: hometown, student life, online, cosplay. These are "friends without obligation" MEANING that my presence is a addition and not a requirement. They will never guilt me for cancelling on them. We can only hang out once a year and have a blast without talking at all during the rest of the year, and we will still conciser each other friends.           I consider them friends if I can message/call them up at 2 a.m. and cry about a boyfriend or needing a place to sleep. Which is a huge deal to me, me-who-feels-guilty-for-taking-up-resources.)          It don’t always function. I can hide for weeks, avoiding social contact. Then I can be super functional for weeks. Ups and downs.          I function best around friends without obligations. 

ME @ TUMBLR FRIENDS.

I suppose I want my tumblr friends to know that...

I 'squish' on a person. I use the word here in the meaning of 'plantonic crushing' and 'wanting to have an emotional bond with them as friend'. I sometimes stalk/bombard a person with messages/like every post/am super invested in everything they do. Usual reason: because I think they are a fantastic content creator. This makes me feel like they are inspiring and amazing and sometimes 'socially higher ranked' than me.          To battle my inferiority, I want them to acknowledge me. I want to 'have' them. I hate to admit it, but the words "notice me senpai" sum it up badly. A better way of describing it is “proving my inferiority complex as wrong and my internalised social hierarchy as false as fast as I can”.         The resolution is often hanging out in chat and writing a thread together. It will make me realise that we're both humans. Often, once the person gives me attention, I very quickly normalise them and am able to stop bad thoughts.        I really dislike the senpai/kohai dynamic and want to get rid of it asap. Giving me attention helps! I've experienced this squishing in class/ social/ work/ online/ cosplay environments. If I am 'squishing' on you, just pat my head, okay? 

I feel compelled to admit have had squishes on but then normalised as equal Sky.e, Ni.kki, Ju.lia, E.su, Ham.my, J, Cel.este, Va.na, and various others who I don’t need to mention because I never became friends with them. My squishes on these people were on the creative person as future friend, not(!!!) on the muses. I still have a ton of respect for these people.

People I'm in the process of normalising are Surfi and Jana. I'm doing well. I’m not that bad. When Hammy appears I still want a pat on the head though.

One person I'm squishing on quite much right now is Nami. I want all their attention. Nami, if you're reading this, I hope it doesn't drive you crazy (not as mad as it drives me). So I'm sorry that I post a reply 0.3 seconds after you post and seem to be online 24/7. 

And if anyone else is reading this, sorry I’m paying less attention to you.

I hate it when partners drop threads unannounced because I'll be waiting by the front door like a labrador waiting for a dead owner to come home.

Its fine if you tell me you want to drop a thread, no problem, no feeling of rejection here.

It's fine if you take 2 years to reply to a thread. Literally.

I forget thread posts. Feel free to poke me when I take longer than a month.

Me not replying to your roleplay request is because I'm imagining that my rejection of your request will hurt you as much as it would hurt me. I'm imagining your pain and emphasize with my fantasy to the point that I leave your request in my inbox for months. And then it hurts that I didn't reply.

Me not posting your submission/ask message is because I'm always feeling inferior. I don't feel worthy of your attention. I don't feel worthy of your text/art/time, so when I get it I feel THRILLED. Like, "WOW they like me!! Take that inferiority complex!!" I feel thrilled. I have to give you the perfect reply that will show you exactly how thrilled I am. Or give you a perfect drabble as reply.

Me not replying to your chat messages is not me intentionally disrespecting you. You are important. Goddamnit I want to keep you as a friend. It's me being EMOTIONAL AS FUCK AND I'M PREPARING A REPLY or I FORGOT ABOUT IT.

I only give myself permission to delete those after 6 months of struggling.

Me roleplaying super intensely with you and then suddenly not at all, is because the following happened: 

I  squished on you back then,

we wrote and for a while my days centerend around your online hours, 

I normalised you and I found tranquillity (good ending) OR 

I was called away because I had ignored real life and it became on fire. (bad ending, very much at risk of uncontrolled squishing on you again!!!)  

(I want to continue to enjoy being friends with you Super Duper Much, I respect your distaste for my silences, I’m sorry, and I feel bad TIMES TEN that I put you in this mood.) (I then feel worthless. Then inferior and wow hello devil on my shoulder that tells me bad things. Hey devil if you’re here do you pay rent?  And I begin to avoid you which makes you even unhappier. Then I avoid you and - etc. etc. Goddamn I just want to be friends and write rp WHY am I like this! Why am I so fearful? It doesn’t make any sense!)  

The thought of writing with you makes me excited times ten. I respect you. And because we didn't RP and you're worried and I feel I let you down... I want to "make it up to you by being perfect and worthy".        It catapults me right back into the mindset/habits from where I used to squish on you, and my day will center around you again. I know I don't /want/ that mindset to ambush me. It'll control me.         So I either postpone engagement with you, OR I ask/agree a day where we can write together. Then my intense emotions and refresh-the-page obsession and "OH MY GOD THIS RP IS SO GOOD U R SUCH AN AWESOME CONTENT CREATOR WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN" thoughts can be limited to that day.         During the next days (I usually need days), I can cool down from the hype and try to continue with my life and productively avoid the bad squish. This may come across as cold. But I assure you, my mind is constantly on you. And when I’m settled, I’ll be easier to approach for casual RP again. 

I find it extremely hard to deal with users who see me as their senpai. When I feel that you idolise me as senpai, want my attention and affection, want to be my friend, I get really uncomfortable. I usually search for ways to calm you down and make you realize I'm human. But if I do not feel equal, (because of IM chat/because writing styles clash) I can’t hang out with you. That’s not you, that’s me. Feeling inferior is something I’m trained in now and know how to go to ‘equals’ level fast, I’m not trained at all to feel superior. I screw up wayyy to much to accept that role. I will fear hurting you. I wouldn’t know how to try to become equals. So then I dash away. I’m sorry.

I'm not good at IM messaging in chat on tumblr or other social media online because I'll 1)get scared of the messages or 2) really really want to write with you. So I generally don't want to chat at all, except to plot roleplays. I find it difficult to send friends regular 'hi how are you' messages because I want a "friendship-without-obligations" that I described earlier.

Wow this list must scare you. I'm sorry.

It scares me. Wow, what a manual. I'm so complicated.

I'm worried now about whether I should post this. I sound like such a... a crazy online person that has a ton of things wrong in the head and should be avoided at all cost. ......... No, let me rephrase that. I’m a self-reflective person. I am a critical analyst of my mind and it's unique I can put it into words. 

DEAR TUMBLR FRIENDS...

- You don't want my squishing + I don't want my squishing. Let's work together so this bad mindset doesn't thrive, OK?

- You don't want to be ignored + I don't want my ‘conflict avoiding anxiety’ that makes me ignore you. Let's continue to communicate!! Please sandwich your critique in kindness. Kind-critical-kind. Then I'll reply faster!

- I am worth as much as every one of you. I am NOT your kohai and if you start seeing me as such I'll feel offended. I'm worth as much as any of you. (My mind cannot be trusted.)

- You cannot control what emotions I feel, nor the intensity. Anything(!) could spark me to go into a different mindset.

ROLEPLAY I suppose I have a 'type' of muse. 

I like writing confident-arrogant muses who never hesitate about being better than others. They used their unique traits that set them apart to excel (not fall), and are so fearless of social rejections that they boldly abandoned social-mediocority to craft a setting they thrive in.       Its because their growth/conquer mindsets appeal to me. I want to continue training myself to think like that. It helps battle my fears.       I identify with them.       Reasons: I worked hard and rose from being bullied at primary school and medium education level to upper-middle level. Now I'm at highest level of education (university) despite my flaws. I channelled my traits of creativity + kindness + hard work and made a ton of friends. I am now struggling with my university bachelor thesis. I have to finish it asap, but damn, I'm amazing, I never thought I'd get this far?? I'm in my world of my own making. My loving supporting surrounding friends/family/teachers help me function.  

IN CONCLUSION....

So in conclusion, I can only ask for your friendship, your kindness to forgive me when I mess up, and to please occasionally pet my head.

In return, I will generously offer friendship for however long you want me, will bravely engage in struggles to reply to your messages in time, and I offer you lots of FEELS from my muses.

I'm going to make sure that the time we hang out and write together, will be the MOST AMAZING EXPERIENCE.

Excerpt from my thoughts to show you how it goes: Small bad thought in my head: "don't abandon me, please accept this RP service I offer, because you won't hang out with me for my personality due to my bad attention/communication skills. I can see why you like my Orochimaru/muses but can hardly see why you could like me." Louder good thought in my head: "Shut up you're a feeling from the AD.HD or conflict-avoident-personality-type part of my brain and you can't be trusted. LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING. I'M GREAT." Small thought: "...Keep telling yourself that." Louder thought: "Ouch. I mean. LA LA LA. POSITIVE SELF-DECEPTION  AGAINST BAD THOUGHTS UNTIL IT'S AN INTERNALISED TRUTH IS AN EMPOWERING METHOD THAT WORKS. LA LA LA." So that’s how it works. Sometimes I cannot differ which of the thoughts is bad and which one is the good one. 

EPILOGUE, I’m done.

Okay. I think I have figured myself out. I’ve re-evaluated my past. 

The urgent mess of thoughts in my brain has calmed down. I no longer feel like my head will explode. 

I’ve said all the things I wanted to say to myself, and I’ve said the things I want to say to tumblr friends. 

I’m going to pretend nooooo oneeee took the time to read this big post... so no one will be angry (something which I fear for no logical reason) ... and I’ll be able to sleep right now. 

[wsmith215]

Policing Can Take a Lesson from Health Care

The grief is indescribable. George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and other unarmed Black Americans dying at the hands of police is unacceptable. It is happening repeatedly, and we are fed up.

I will be forever haunted by the images of a police officer’s knee being used, not in protest, but to asphyxiate a fellow American. While I had to watch parts of it on mute to keep from hearing the calls of Mr. Floyd asking for water, begging for his deceased mother and pleading for his life over and over again, I keep thinking of the details of how he died—how his carotid arteries were compressed, leaving it impossible for his brain to get oxygen; how the vagal, or relaxation, centers in his neck were overstimulated by the pressure, likely slowing or stopping his heart; how his trachea, as rigid and firm as it is, may have also been collapsing from all the external pressure; and how pinning him down kept him from expanding his chest cavity to take in enough air and compensate for his already oxygen-deprived organs.

For days, I avoided watching the entire video, but reminded myself that this was not an experience Floyd asked for or deserved. As much as I wanted to protect my mental health, it paled in comparison to the horror of being killed slowly and unjustly. After watching the video, and seeing that the officers knew that they were being videotaped, I realized that what the public sees as solely an accountability tool may in fact be a stage for some police officers to amplify and assert to the world who is in charge

What we attempt to sweep under the rug as isolated instances, bad apples that should not spoil the bunch, is increasingly becoming a pattern. The bunch is unmistakably being spoiled, and the American public is watching. We are watching for the true acknowledgement of ills in policing by the police themselves, for the recognition that all parties involved, including those setting the stage for murder, those ignoring or mocking the cries of screaming bystanders and those using a person’s past or current misfortune as justification for murder, are all complicit.  

It is incredibly tough to be yelled at, assaulted and chastised while being a public servant. I am an emergency medicine physician, and I have had bodily fluids thrown at me, been assaulted by patients and been accused of withholding resources and care. I recognize the stark differences between the natural hazards I am responsible for trying to fix and the human-to-human hazard that police respond to. My job does not require me to interface with a potentially armed public. Nonetheless, the decisions we make every day, in either circumstance, can result in life or death. Even on my worst day, I could only hope that those who have also made the pledge to “Do No Harm” would not let me get away with hurting anyone. To be responsible for a life is to be held accountable for life. To be a teammate to another public servant means encouraging the best behavior possible.

So, if our police force says these murderers among them are bad actors, how do we better screen for them before they are hired? How do we remove and punish them for egregious acts against weaponless Americans? How do we best account for and address implicit and explicit bias and Chauvin-ism in policing?

Health care may be able to provide a model for improvement. Health care in America is far from perfect and needs its own serious introspection. To be a physician or nurse in the U.S. and not recognize that mistrust, bias and inefficiency in medicine is real would be willful ignorance. Nevertheless, our health care system recognizes that even the best and brightest trained and most well-intentioned among us are imperfect people functioning in an imperfect system. Our job requires a constant mental exercise of risk versus benefit, checking bias, examining power dynamics and staying current on the best practices for patients.

In risk management, analysis and prevention, an accident causation model called the Swiss cheese model, proposed by James Reason, author of Human Error, is used to help avoid unacceptable events in an organization. It is a model commonly used in health care as well as in aviation and engineering. Each component of an organization is considered a slice of cheese. If there are any deficiencies in the slices of your organization, you will have a hole in that slice, hence Swiss cheese.

If a hole, or an area of failed or absent defenses in several slices of an agency line up, it can create a continuous hole, thereby resulting in an adverse outcome. Factors that contribute to failure of a system or a bad outcome result from problems in organizational structure, supervision, preconditions and unsafe individual acts. For example, a hospital purchases an electronic health record that does not record allergies upon patient arrival. The supervising physician unknowingly orders a medication that a patient is allergic to. The pharmacist is not prompted to check for allergies prior to filling and delivering the medication. The nurse then administers the medication to which the patient is severely allergic; the patient is then unable to breath and dies. 

The layers of cheese are aligning quite strikingly in American policing.

While we work to address the systemic issues of inequality and racism, as well as campaign finance reform, voter turnout and suppression—bearing in mind how such electoral conditions contribute to the employment of local officials such as district attorneys, prosecutors, sheriffs and medical examiners—I want to offer 10 solutions to support effective and unbiased maintenance of public safety in our communities.

1. Third party external review of deaths under police custody. There should be an external, nonpartisan body that reviews every death under police custody for police departments nationwide. This would allow for an impartial assessment of pattern and practice in the review of deaths in custody and would be made of a panel of law enforcement leadership, legal officials and civilian participants. Cases that may present potential conflict of interest would be escalated to the state governor or federal Department of Justice. An unbiased, third-party medical examiner should also be selected to conduct autopsies in these cases as local medical examiners are often appointed officials with political relationships that could pose conflicts of interest.  

2. Anonymous reporting with no retribution. Police should be encouraged to securely report activities of misconduct without the concern of punishment from police stations or colleagues. To facilitate this safely, I recommend reporting through an anonymous external reporting system or hotline.

3. Internal reviews for quality and safety. All police departments should be required to engage in routine quality audits of their activities for continued improvement of policing practices. Quality audits would include reports from the anonymous reporting system, as well as frequent review and audit of police reports, dash and body camera footage, radio exchanges with both peer and community review. This would also encourage preferential use of alternative nonlethal agents when a citizen is posing a possible nonlethal threat to the officers. A system for remediation, probation and termination should be enforced for officers with repeated offenses and not meeting requirements of their corrective action plan. Special attention will also be paid to precincts with disproportionate disciplinary action of officers based on their race or gender.

4. Evaluation for racism and socioeconomic bias in the recruitment and hiring process. Screening through entry questionnaires, interviews and scenario-based evaluation with mental health professionals and character assessments via diverse job references should be conducted with all entering police officers. Longitudinal training in implicit bias and systemic inequality would also be required.

5. Routine psychological evaluation and mental health care for all police officers. Repeated trauma of frontline professionals, particularly those at risk of physical harm and death, should be acknowledged. Those at higher risk of post-traumatic stress disorder, including officers with backgrounds in wartime conflict and high-risk adverse childhood experiences such as significant bullying, violence, physical or sexual abuse, should be identified and supported. Partnerships with mental health professionals, consistent participation in activities promoting mental health and wellness, and routine sabbatical opportunities and respite from policing activities may also prove useful.

6. Training, in-service and continued policing education. In addition to routine training and in-service activities, police officers should be required to complete a set amount of continuing education units (CEUs) annually or at minimum every two years. This would include conflict resolution and basic first aid as well as cultural competency training involving members of the community that addresses the unique needs of the communities they serve.

7. Unarmed public safety teams. These teams can function as enhancements of or alternatives to armed police officers particularly for patrolling and nonviolent 911 calls. This public safety option would include locally recruited public safety workers trained in de-escalation and mental health emergencies.

8. Enhancing education and entry requirements. Journalist Sara Llana, in an article titled “Why Police Don’t Pull Guns in Many Countries,” describes a police training process in Germany wherein “rigorous education standards help to widen an officer’s vision when stress narrows it.” Currently, in the U.S., police training lasts on average 19 weeks. This may or may not include a field experience and probation period. In addition to academy training, local governments would require, at minimum, bachelor’s level liberal arts education focused on courses such as ethics, communication, history, psychology, domestic and international relations, foreign language and ethnic studies.

9. Performance review–based compensation. Compensation of officers would be increased based on fulfillment of the above requirements with incentives for strong peer, community and performance reviews, and avoidance of adverse events.  

10. External review for accreditation. By fulfilling the above requirements, a police department would be accredited by a third party for continued operation, potential increases in budget or fines if requirements are not fulfilled.  

When an apple is rotten and a slice of cheese riddled with holes, a typically delectable combination, is now difficult to eat. I hope these points can contribute to the dialogue and provide potential action items for change. Our nation should never have to witness an unnecessary, gruesome death at the hands of police. As a fellow public servant, we are the people that the public calls upon in times of distress, fear and concern. We are layers of protection and should function as such. We should prioritize trust and comfort over fear and terror and call out our colleagues who prioritize the latter.

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[dragonlands]

hannigram - an abusive relationship?

Spoiler alert: it’s not. (But it kind of is. I’ll go in depth about that in a moment.)

I wrote this for a conversation I had in twitter, and thought I wouldn’t need to post it here, but since I saw yet another person claiming that hannigram is abusive I thought I’d post this.

People use the term abusive about relationships that are unhealthy (in their opinion), as evindence for why it should not be shipped/supported. The correct definition of abuse is:

“Treating badly or injurously, mistreating, especially psysically.”

And of relationship abuse it is:

“A pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern of control.”

So according to this it is abusive, I get it. They both try to kill each other multiple times, they manipulate and lead each other on. They don’t sexually abuse each other though, which at least in my opinion is the worst sort of abuse and I couldn’t ship a couple who did that to one another.

The other thing in this description that doesn’t quite match Hannigram is “abuse tends to escalate over time – it is always a part of larger pattern of control”. The mental abuse between them is at it’s worst in S1 where Hannibal manipulates Will into believing he’s a killer - but this is not to show his power over him, it is simply the only way Hannibal can bring Will into his life. Hannibal has after the first half of S2 been ready to drop the manipulation and violence between them as soon as Will does. And I haven’t seen anyone blame Will of being the main abuser, even though it could be argued that it’s solely his fault that the abuse continues.

The reason why Hannigram doesn’t fit the normal description of abuse is because their relationship is meant to be read as symbolic, not as a literal ideal of love. It’s fiction, and it should be treated as such. Fiction is great, because we can explore possibilities and relationships etc. that aren’t possible in real life. Thankfully the majority in this fandom are really intelligent and understand this, and only few people have failed at understanding what the shoe is about. That group still exists, and that’s why I felt the need to post this

What I believe the antis actually mean when they say it’s abusive is not just that it is violent and manipulative, but that “It’s an abuser/abused relationship, Hannibal is evil and Will is innocent, their relationship won’t work and does more bad than good for both of them, or at least for Will”.

Like I said earlier, it’s not a healthy relationship and it’s not one that I literally want for myself or for anyone I care about - but it’s not unbalanced. At least when we reach the end of third season they are certainly equals, there’s no denying it. I understand that some people don’t ship it because it’s too far from an ideal realtionship, and that’s okay, but hating on it and denying the fact that they’re equals who both choose each other in the end is just plain ignorant.

Will has always been alone, always been different. His relationship with Hannibal gets so close so fast because Hannibal is the first person who actually sees him. I’m gonna quote a Hannigram fic here because I think it described their relationship so well. (Will to Hannibal:) “You always wanted me to be the best version of myself when no one else accepted me for what I already was.” Just like Hannibal let Will see him, Will also let Hannibal see him. Hannibal didn’t “make an innocent puppy become a murderer”, he helped him to become what he already had the potential for.

If the antis and/or deniers have only seen season one, I need to admit that I understand them. Will did kind of seem like an innocent dog loving introvert back then if you didn’t pay much attention to details (like how coldly he treats the parents of the missing girl, how he isn’t afraid of human contact but despises it, how his humor is so dark that it often shocks his colleagues and friends and so on. I could make a post about this, if anyone is interested about that let me know). The first season is about Hannibal manipulating everyone into thinking Will is a killer, experimenting on Will and he does seem like a coldhearted psychopath there.

In season two we see Will gaining more power back, him manipulating and even seducing Hannibal. He isn’t afraid to kill a man in the progress, he eats people with Hannibal almost flirtatiously. This is not what an “innocent” man would do, or even what innocent man physically could do. The darkness inside him is becoming more clear, and even he himself admits that even though he wants to, he can’t hate Hannibal.

Will (to Peter): “I envy your hate. Makes it much easier when you know how to feel.”

He still betrays Hannibal in mizumono (even though he does call him at the last minute to warn him). Before I always though it was just because Will was still trying to cling to some sort of morality, but after Hugh’s comments it is obvious that Will was also afraid Hannibal didn’t and/or couldn’t love him the way he loved him, and so he thought it would be dangerous for him to run away with him and trust Hannibal with his life and wellbeing. Here is what Hugh said:

“I think Will has probably in some way never conceived the possibility that Hannibal could be in love. I mean, he’s got such a black heart. The awareness that they have this connection is something Will knows and is probably in some way profoundly ashamed of, and is also, you know, he keeps coming back to and actually kinda fills him with joy as well. But I don’t think he’d ever give it the name love, because I don’t think he’d ever associate love with Hannibal. – He’s never thought of Hannibal as being capable of love. Because like most of us, he probably had love put off on a kind of pedestal, as an idea, a more perfect thing, as he made the awful realisation: ‘Oh crap, maybe this thing I’m feeling is like love.‘”

I think it is clear to everybody at this point that Hannibal loves Will. His love, though, isn’t your typical “murderer obsessed with a beautiful and innocent woman (obviously man in this case)”. Hannibal loves Will because they understand each other, because they share a way of seeing the world, but also because they have interesting conversations and because they share the same sense of himor and have fun together. In a way, it’s just normal love, just deeper and richer since neither of them has ever had a change to explore that kind of love with anyone else before.

So to conclude: if you take it literally, yes, it is abusive, but that doesn’t make it wrong to ship it, by Hannibal standards at least. (The whole show is a little fucked up so if you can’t live with that why are you here?) Also, it has been abusive until this point only because they (well, mostly Will) have still struggled to accept their feelings for each other. Hannibal has only physically hurt Will if he has betrayed his trust or tried to hurt him first. Personally I don’t believe Hannibal would ever hurt Will again if they were to be a real couple. He also stopped the mindgames and manipulation as early as when Will got out of prison, knowing what he was. And Will has hurt and betrayed Hannibal mostly because of the reasons I stated earlier, because he thought it was the only way to save himself. If they stopped their game of cat and mouse (a game of cat and mouse where the roles change from time to time, or maybe even better description would be a game of cat and cat like Bryan called it) I wholeheartedly believe that they could live in a relationship where neither of them abuses the other.

Like Bryan once said, the core of their relationship is that:

“They had imagined they were unique before they saw each other. Obviously it took Will longer to appreciate that because he didn’t quite realize what he was dealing with in Hannibal, but Hannibal sees it instantly. It’s two people who have never been - I mean Will probably wears it heavier - but still, essentially alone in the world and then see some kind of, maybe not mirror image but the other side of their coin.”

And like Hugh said:

“In a sense the two of them have been wandering the Earth, totally isolated, because they have such a specific and elevated mentality. Not identical, but it is as if not only are you the greatest chess player on the planet, you’re actually the only person on the planet that can play chess. And then suddenly you walk into a roon one day and there’s a guy playing chess. I think that’s how they feel about each other.”

If you leave out the murder and cannibalism and manipulation, Hannigram is about two people who are different than anyone else finding love in each other. Their relationship evolves slowly from friends to lovers, and even though they try to move on neither of them can because they share something so intimate. So in its own, weird and symbolic way, i think Hannibal and Will’s relationship is build on a much better base and is possibly even healthier than many other ships and canon couples out there.

[bentonpena]

Mental Illness – No Shame – Lots of Hope via @alanbleiweiss

Mental Illness – No Shame – Lots of Hope via @alanbleiweiss http://bit.ly/34pfQKV

Clinical depression (diagnosed by a professional). Panic attacks. Blackouts.

Suicidal thoughts and planning. Destructive societal behavior.

PTSD. OCD. Drug addiction (including alcohol).

Nine years of recovery. Nine-year relapse.

Second round of recovery.

Now approaching 15 years clean and free of “drugs.”

The list of psychological challenges and illnesses I have lived through in my life is long.

Trigger Warning: This post briefly describes severe abuse as a child, and goes on through to suicidal thoughts. If you are not prepared to read even brief content about a little child being severely abused, or how that eventually led to considering suicide, please skip this section and go on to “From Surviving to Thriving“!

Early Environmental Influence

While at least some of my issues may, in fact, have genetic origins to varying degrees, I have come to learn that we can be shaped and molded based on our environment. And for me, that all started as a result of having been severely abused – physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually throughout my childhood by my parents.

I was physically beaten routinely. Belts. Wooden hangers. Hands. Whatever was convenient. And crying, yeah that cliché “This hurts me more than it hurts you” was said often. As was “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.”

I was also told at various times growing up:

“You’re not good enough.”

“You don’t deserve ____.”

“Look what you did to your mother – why do you get her so upset?”

“You’ll never have anything in life.”

“It’s my house, and if you don’t like it, you can leave.”

One of the worst, from my mother: “Don’t argue with your father – he’s right even when he’s wrong…”

The chaos and abuse at home were only reinforced by being bullied from elementary school until my teen years.

I was taught “turn the other cheek,” “don’t cause trouble at school,” and concepts along those lines.

I was never taught how to stand up for myself early on, as a human being. Never taught at that age any concept of self-worth or self-esteem.

So it was almost guaranteed that I’d seek to escape from that hell.

The Early Years of Insanity

My earliest escape was daytime, waking life blackouts. As a very small child, I would literally be doing one thing somewhere in the house, and next thing I knew, I was outside, doing something completely different.

When my parents would have friends over, I would hide behind the couch, in fear.

I had nightmares that some evil being would come through the window to attack me.

Sugar became a drug. The adrenaline rush in pouring sugar onto sugar-infused cereal was an addiction.

Daydreaming about a better life became a constant outlet.

Escalated Escape

Eventually, escape for me transitioned into schoolwork. I found that if I did really well in class, my teachers would praise me, show me appreciation. So that became a drug.

Seeking approval actually got results somewhere. I craved it. Obsessed over obtaining it.

Except as the years passed, and the abuse got worse, none of those escapes were enough anymore. And that led to drugs. I fit in. Got acceptance. And at the same time, could numb my emotions and thoughts.

Any drug I was exposed to. Could get access to. For me, one drug didn’t lead to another. It was a free-for-all of access and impact. Its use grew though – in volume and frequency.

I almost didn’t graduate from high school because at that point I was “tuned out” – from a straight-A student to failing because of not even showing up at class.

From there, I ended up creating a path of chaos wherever I went with jobs, friendships, everything, and anything.

I got arrested for “minor” infractions more than once. That happens when you are “tuned out” all the time, and when you end up in places you don’t belong, with people you aren’t going to win societal participation awards among.

Life eventually hit bottom (my first of multiple bottoms). Nothing worked anymore. None of my escape mechanisms could numb the pain or internal turmoil.

So I thought suicide was my only way out. Tried planning it out. Yet never did come up with a method I could guarantee would work.

That was 1986. I was 27, and it was the darkest period of my life.

From Surviving to Thriving

Yet I stand here today, writing this post, to say that with a lot of help, support and effort, I’ve overcome so much over so many years.

No, my life is not “perfect” these days.

All of those mental health challenges still, even now, have a residual impact on who I am and how I face the world.

And I can, in the blink of an eye, end up falling into the chaos and insanity at any time for the rest of my life because some of it became so ingrained in me over so many years, that there’s a residual set of beliefs right there.

Just beneath the surface. That close to wanting to take control again.

That’s how it is with addiction, and that’s how it is with the psychological parameters that allow addiction to awaken even when we “know better.”

It’s why, after my first nine years clean from drugs, I relapsed. And spent nine more years out there, fighting the demons.

And while I am approaching 15 years clean this time around (if I can make it, one day at a time until October 27), recovery is still not guaranteed to last forever.

There is no cure when the damage is so deep. There is only mitigation, alleviation, and remission.

In spite of that, I’ve learned to build a pretty amazing, miraculous and spectacular life for myself overall.

I’ve gotten to travel much of the world – consciously chose to live a nomadic life, moving from city to city, state to state every couple years until I went and bought a house at Lake Tahoe this year, where I now reside.

I’ve built a reputation as one of the industry’s top site auditors, gotten to do that work on hundreds of small, medium, and global enterprise sites.

I’ve established lifelong friendships with industry peers and been able to give back in countless ways to the search community and to people in need out in the world.

I often have very good days.

Productive. Happy. Serene.

Even when I have bad days, they are not anywhere near as bad as they used to be because I have tools and resources and an entire support network.

And I have been practicing their use for so long at this point, that most of the time, the noise doesn’t get very loud, if it shows up at all.

When it shows up, I know what to do about it.

That doesn’t mean I instantly take positive action all the time.

Some days, it is a struggle.

Yet I know better now. I have practiced and done the work enough, and gotten the positive results. So there’s much more balance in my life.

Overcoming Mental Illness, Addiction & My Past Demons

How have I done that? How have I been able to overcome such crazy obstacles and challenges on so many levels?

Caveat: What I share here is what has worked for me, what continues to work for me. I cannot possibly say, with absolute certainty, that any of this will guarantee to work for you. And I don’t go into the details here as there’s too much of it.

What I do know though is this – there are many ways to achieve success in SEO. So too, there are many ways to overcome challenges arising from mental illness, addiction, and other outward signs of internal chaos.

So please understand that if these things help you, that’s a blessing. And if they don’t, it does not mean there is no hope. You just may need to find something else that works for you.

And as my brother told me many years ago when I was at a psychological bottom – as long as you have a breath left in your body, there is hope.

First Rule: No Shame

First, I’ve done so by not accepting that any of these issues are something to be ashamed of.

There is no such thing as perfect except in that every human has challenges. Every person suffers from the broader “human condition” called life.

Anybody who ridicules, stigmatizes, or disrespects mental illness, for example, or physical limitations others have, is themselves, suffering from a form of mental defect.

Maybe it’s “only” a lack of empathy. Maybe it’s something more insidious.

Regardless of the cause, people who fail to respect others who are not like them physically, intellectually, or emotionally, are no different than those who fail to respect others due to color of skin, sexuality, or any other major life framework.

That does not mean I am free from embarrassment, fear, guilt or shame all the time.

Heck, even writing this post, fear kicked in.

What if I allow this to be posted on a top industry site? Will people still want to hire me for audit work?

Will they think I am unstable, or incapable of helping them given how messed up my life has been at times?

Yet when that does come up, I understand and recognize that the need to share my truth with others is more important to me than some unrealized fear.

I cannot keep my path in darkness. It needs to be brought into the light.

One of the most important things that have helped me countless times over the years has been learning that others have gone through the fires and come out on the other side.

So I believe I have a moral, human responsibility to write this. And guess what?

Anybody who reads this and ends up running away from me, well, that’s on them. They’re not wrong or bad or evil for doing so if anyone does that. They too are only human.

And the world is big enough that I will be okay. My entire identity is not, these days, wrapped in having to get approval from every single person I encounter.

In fact, I’m also writing this because others in the industry have, themselves, been vocal about mental illness and other life challenges. So they themselves, have given me inspiration, and courage and hope that writing this is OK.

Second Rule: We Need Others & We Need to Take Responsibility

Second, I’ve learned that “I can’t, we can.”

One of the biggest character defects I developed growing up was the belief that I had to be the one to resolve all of my own problems in life.

That I couldn’t ask for others to help me, let alone accept it.

I had to figure out what to do in everything – which, in my case, was made better and worse at the same time because I happen to be highly intelligent, and I also suffered from “the great I Am” syndrome (thinking I was the center of the universe).

So I used to think “if only this outside situation or circumstance will change, everything will be better.” And then I’d go and find a way to make that change quite often.

Except I never, back then, looked inside, to see what my role in any of it was.

I never stopped to consider that I had a broken picker.

Broken relationship picker. Broken job picker. Broken societal participation picker.

I also had deeply a flawed understanding of how to participate in society and didn’t understand humility can coexist with confidence.

As a result, while things would appear better on the surface, for a while, I inevitably ended up having it blow up in my face.

Relationships fell apart. I’d quit or get fired from job after job.

I’d end up in dangerous situations and circumstances within society. Ended up on death’s doorstep many times.

I call it “hell on earth.”

So I eventually learned “wherever you go, there you are,” and “when one finger is pointing outward, three more are pointing inward.”

Yet I also needed to learn that I am not “The great I Am.”

I am not God. Or a god. I am not the center of the universe. I don’t have all the answers.

This means I need to learn to seek out those who have been where I was, or I am, and who themselves, have overcome some aspect of what I have yet to overcome. And, or, for different needs, I need to turn to professionals.

Sometimes, you really do need search science when your blogging friend can’t even identify with why you aren’t ranking organically, right?

So too, sometimes we need medical professionals or clinicians regarding our mental health needs.

Even a recovering addict needs pain medications sometimes, like after major surgery.

I need to reach out to potential support and help resources, when appropriate.

And if they are willing, and able to offer any support, guidance or help, I need to be honest, open-minded, and willing myself.

Honest about what’s really going on. And about what I don’t know or understand.

Open-minded to a better way to live. And to the possibility that they may have answers I seek.

Willing to change. Willing to take responsibility for my actions. Willing to learn.

Third Rule: It’s Simple, Not Easy

Third – when it comes to mental illness, addiction, behavioral patterns that need to be overcome, the process is almost always simple.

Whether it’s taking certain steps physically, mentally, psychologically or spiritually, they’re just steps.

Footwork. Effort. Sequential change in how we think, what we think, how we feel, what we feel. Or behavior modification.

Yet the deeper the wounds, the more complex the layers of issues, the heavier the load – which means that even simple steps can feel monumental.

And the more years we’ve lived with these challenges, the more ingrained our behavior has become based on raw survival learning. How to survive while suffering internally. Which means we have established, maybe even carved into proverbial stone, rules we live by. Entire belief systems on how to exist.

And that in turn, has led, for many of us, into creating, then maintaining our entire life identity around what just may turn out to be a complete misunderstanding of how we need to live this life.

So it’s possible that at the mere thought of needing to change any of that, our fight-or-flight survival mechanisms may kick into high gear.

We may think we want to change something, on the surface. We may feel there must be a better way to live. We may say we are willing to change.

Yet we may not be ready. Or willing.

Fourth Rule: Accepting Reality, Resisting Change

When push comes to shove, subconsciously, we may panic, else need to accept that everything we came to believe about our selves and our world, needs reevaluation.

That, quite often, can be the scariest concept we face in our lifetimes. The notion that “what worked for me all these years may have been completely invalid,” is heavy.

Yet for someone like me, whose life was constant chaos, turmoil, and insanity, none of it was truly “working.” I was barely surviving.

Heck – even with several years of growth and awakening to a new way of life, and yes, even sometimes, to this very day, while the chaos has been lowered, the insanity “mostly” eliminated, those old beliefs still sit there, on the sidelines, waiting to jump up and take charge again.

The more I resist acceptance about the truth of my situation, the more likely I’ll tell myself “hey, don’t change – you got this far without that abracadabra or woo woo nonsense.”

When that happens, I’ve come to learn to listen inside. Where is that coming from? Is that from my past? Quite often, when I need answers to that, I go to my intuition.

Some people refer to intuition as “a gut feeling.” Others call it God, or Holy Spirit. Others still, refer to it as wisdom. I even turn to “God” sometimes. Which is not a religious god for me.

God, to me, is its own complex notion of endless wisdom, love, positive direction. None of the condemnation stuff. Whatever label you put on any of it, that is where to turn.

Yet we also need to avoid becoming trapped in self-convincing con artist level internal dialogue. Because the more years we have in “just surviving,” the more power we’ve given to the voice of insanity in our own being.

Whether it’s ego, the devil, fear, or whatever other “source” of the “self-deception,” we need to be vigilant for that as well.

Healthy Support from Others

I could spend hours and hours going further into the psychology and the process of what I’ve been through, what I’ve learned, and how I’ve overcome personal challenges to the degree I have – except this is “just” a blog post meant not to be a life story or a book.

(In fact, I’m in the final stages of actually writing a book on how we can change our life stars. It’s currently in the hands of my editor.)

However, that’s another subject altogether.

What I will say now, in moving toward a conclusion of this blog post, has to do with the fact I mentioned earlier that we need others in our life to help us.

When I say that, I need to emphasize how important it is to also realize that we almost certainly cannot seek help from just one other person, or just one book, or one medication, or just one course in wellness.

Our lives, like SEO, are so complicated, multi-faceted and unique to us that we almost certainly need help from multiple people, books, courses, or medications.

We’ve built a lifetime of circumstances and issues and needs. Some directly relate to others, while others still are ultimately not related. Involve different causes, require different solutions.

So thinking only one person or one answer is needed, is potentially not true.

And if we look to rely on just one source for help, that may lead to other problems.

Take people, for example. It is probably not possible that any one person is going to have enough direct experience, themselves, to align with all of the facets of your unique situation.

When you need SEO, you may, hopefully, seek out an SEO professional.

Yet when you need accounting restructuring, or Human Resources changes in your business, or a business loan, or legal advice, it’s almost never advisable to expect your SEO professional to have the depth of experience in your unique path’s history, let alone the experience in how to win with all of those things.

Unless you need a veterinarian. And your SEO is Marie Haynes.

Yet even then, if you hire Marie or her company for SEO, and at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night, your dog needs medical help, is it really appropriate to call Marie?

So too, is it true that when we have mental illness challenges, they are likely to have manifest in ways that not everyone we meet who themselves has overcome mental illness challenges, can help with.

Or where a given individual counselor or psychologist has expertise in one area, they may not have expertise in another.

We may need a food or gambling addiction support solution, a medical doctor, a psychologist, a drug addiction support solution, a marriage counselor, a physical therapist, a spiritual advisor, or any number of other “specialists.”

And even if/when we find any one of those, that one person may not be able to be available for us every time we are in crisis.

We can not allow ourselves to think they “should” be either. We can not, ourselves, be all things to others, 24/7/365. Not even to those we love the most.

Trying to do that will eventually cause us to lose our own sanity. So why would we think that isn’t true for someone we turn to for help?

Which means we need to find multiple resources sometimes even regarding one aspect of our growth needs.

Take What Works – Leave The Rest Behind

Even when we find someone or several people or support groups, or practitioners, it’s just as important to realize going into it that what they offer may apply to us, and it may not. Because they’re as unique as we are. They too, are only human.

And what works for them or worked for them, may not work for us, even if, going into it, we think they know our situation, or we think their story is our story.

So we need to be OK with situations where something they offer, whether out of love or compassion or empathy or training, may not be ideal for us. Or may not fit out truth.

And that’s OK.

If we rely on honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, we also need to rely on that intuitive awareness I also talked about.

And if there is something in their background, or story that tells us they’re not perfect (that illusion of reality), or is radically different than our story, we also need to allow ourselves to be wise enough to accept what does align, without allowing what does not align, to prevent us from receiving value.

As long as it’s a healthy relationship scenario with that person, that practitioner, or that support group, it’s healthy to have the courage and capacity to see and accept what works and aligns, in spite of differences.

Like me and Jeremy Knauff. As brilliant as he is, he’s a jarhead, and I’m an Army rat. So how can a crayon eater possibly help me?

Well when it comes to WordPress code, I turned to Jeremy to get my site lightning fast. And now it is. In spite of his poor choice of military service.

I use that as a joking way to say “Look, not everything about our two paths is the same. Yet for this thing, he has what I need.”

That same silly concept, when taken seriously regarding mental health support, applies as well.

If there is enough alignment with someone else, in an area I need help with, and I am able to focus on that thing from them, that’s what matters.

Codependency

On a final note regarding seeking help from others:

Codependency is another major barrier to growth as individuals. If we are or become codependent with people we turn to for help, that’s self-sabotage. Self-destructive behavior.

We need to learn about codependency, enough to learn its patterns and warning signs, no matter what type of help we are seeking for ourselves. So I encourage people to, at the very least, get a good book on the topic and read it.

Warning – you may discover all or many of your relationships are codependent. It’s not uncommon for people with mental illness, or addictions, to suffer from that.

And it’s not uncommon for people in relationship with or in a family where someone has mental illness or addictions, to also be codependent.

And if that’s true, it’s OK. It just may mean there’s something else that needs to be addressed on your path in life. Which means there’s still hope.

The Bottom Line

No matter what you have been through, no matter what you are going through, you are not so unique that nobody else has gone through it.

No matter what.

Why? Because if there are words to describe it, that means someone else has been there, experienced that.

And because of that, given the age of humanity, there is almost certainly somebody who has gone through it and overcome that thing. Probably exponential numbers of others, in fact.

Maybe not in the exact combination you have lived, yet to enough degree that together, we as a society, can provide answers. And help each other.

So if you are seeking help, in whatever way, please know that as long as you have a breath left in your being, there is hope.

More Resources:

Image Credits

Featured Image: Paulo Bobita

Seo via Search Engine Journal http://bit.ly/2ZRRdDd September 6, 2019 at 09:09AM

[marjaystuff]

Elise Cooper’s Interview of Joshilyn Jackson

Never Have I Ever by Joshilyn Jackson is an entertaining tale of betrayal, deception, temptation, and love. Although the story starts out a bit slowly, after the third chapter it takes off and soars, never descending.

With secrets, lies, betrayals, and the sins of someone’s youth, Jackson pits two women against each other.  It begins when a new neighbor, Angelica Roux, invites herself to a book club. She takes over the book club and shifts the focus to playing a scandalous version of “Never Have I Ever,” a game of spilling secrets after drinking too much. Some think the game is fun, some refuse to play and leave, while Amy Whey realizes that Roux knows her darkest youthful secret.

Roux intends to blackmail Amy and tells her for the sum of a quarter of a million dollars, she will quietly go away. But Amy has no intention of giving her anything and tries to beat Roux at her own game, hoping Roux has underestimated her. Matching wits with her in an escalating war of hidden pasts and unearthed secrets, Amy knows she will lose her family, friends, and even her freedom, if she can’t beat Roux.

Amy has settled into an ordinary life and the simple pleasures that come with it: teaching diving lessons, baking cookies for new neighbors, and helping her best friend, Charlotte, run their local book club. Her greatest joy is her family: her devoted professor husband, her spirited fifteen-year-old stepdaughter, and her adorable infant son. She is a character readers will root for despite her flaws. Contrast her with Roux, a diabolical character who is nasty, calculating, smart, devious, and takes pleasure in being cruel. Together they play a cat and mouse game and the mystery is who will come out with a win.

This story has an exciting plot, great writing, unexpected twists, and memorable characters. A word of warning, do not plan on sleeping because this book is one that no one can put down.

Elise Cooper: How did you get the idea for the story?

Joshilyn Jackson: A scene in the book before this, The Almost Sisters, had a ninety year old woman saying, ‘you can’t go around staring at the worst thing in your hand. It is not a way to live.’ I knew then it was the plot for the next book I was going to write.  Also, I teach college level courses at Georgia’s Facility for Women, a maximum security prison.  One of my students has been there for thirty years and will likely be paroled soon.  She told me, ‘I have done my time and am a changed person.’ She has almost finished her AA college degree.  Her worry is that an employer, someone at her Church, or a friend, will look at her and see that one act she had done all those years ago as defining her.  What she said knocked around with me and it all came together in this book.

EC:  What do you do at the woman’s prison?

JJ:  I volunteer for the Reforming Arts Program.  The mission is to provide opportunity to lower recidivism and allow people to build livable lives post incarceration.  We want them to express themselves in writing that includes their anger, hopes, and fears so that they have access to their own narrative.  If someone can control their narrative they can change it. This is a liberal arts program.  We teach everything from grammar and writing skills to composition, literature, and creative writing.  Students need a high school degree and certain behavioral skills.

EC:  In this book there is a scene where each book club member tells of their “spirit animal;” what is yours?

JJ:  I am very cat like.  I hate to be laughed at.  I can trip over dust mounds and I always spill stuff.  Cats can leap off a wall gracefully and slide down it.  They have dignity when they make mistakes.

EC:  How would you describe Roux?

JJ: Amoral, a terrible human being, a predator who likes to intimidate and manipulate. She is an instigator and provocateur. What I find interesting about her is that she believes her narrative, and does not think she is a bad guy. She has this innate ability to justify whatever she wants to do.  She baby steps into it.  For example, You are happily married and then decide to just have coffee with this interesting guy at work, then just having lunch, and then six months later you think how did that just happen.  

EC:  How would you describe Amy?

JJ:  She wants to be a good person. She is invested in her family and they are the center of her life.  Independent, smart, disciplined, has some control issues and a natural facility for lying including to herself.  Amy is fierce, determined, warm, supportive, loving, and kind.

EC:  Motherhood is at the heart of the story?

JJ: I thought of my mother who told me that once she was a mother she would think ‘what would my parents do,’ and then she would do the opposite.  Amy did not have good supportive parents.  Yet, my mom and Amy are exceptional mothers. Motherhood is a transformative experience.  Amy goes down a dark road, but it isn’t for money or her own convenience.  I thought how I am not a person to my daughter yet, but just a mom.  First I am a Super Hero, and then a fence that keeps the bad things out. I think once children become independent that is when mother and child can become friends.  My mom and I are really good friends.

EC: Amy also draws a line in the sand regarding her children?

JJ: I thought of the classic story where someone fights evil without becoming evil.  Roux and Amy are separated by their moral choices.  When Amy decides to play she finds herself heading into morally grey territory to fight Roux.  She makes a moral choice when she decides not to use her stepdaughter Maddy to help her win.  Amy will sacrifice a lot to win but there is one thing she will not sacrifice, her children.

EC:  Scuba diving plays a role?

JJ: I did not scuba dive until I wrote this book.  I looked at videos and interviewed some people.  But then I decided to pick it up with my husband.  Over Thanksgiving we are going to scuba dive with my whole family.  I learned, which I put in the book, how the ocean is a vast living system that can be silent and huge.  There are so many metaphors for a thriller.  I thought it would be fun to have action scenes under water. The ocean is large enough to hide everything.  There is also the ability when scuba diving to meditate. It is like yoga plus, plus.  You move your body using your breath. Everything Amy says about diving is how I feel about it.

EC:  Did you experience something like the scene in the book when a shark shows up?

JJ: I would not dive with the Great Whites.  We do not dive during shark feeding times or on shark grounds. Besides, they hate the sounds of regulators.  I used in the book the big bull sharks because where they were diving that is the type of sharks they would see.  Most sharks are not harmful and there are types which are actually cute like what is at the Atlanta Aquarium where children can pet.

EC:  What do you want people to get out of the book?

JJ:  It is a story of secrets that come out.  This book as with all my books are character driven, and ask who are these people and what do they care most about? I am always interested in writing about violence and its aftermath.  My plots are centered around a murder mystery. The blackmail shows how someone can use people’s secrets as a sword against them. As a reader, I don’t want to be tricked for most of the book and then at the end have a big single reveal.  I prefer books that layer twists and reversals all the way through.

EC:  Your next book?

JJ:  Just like this book it will be in the domestic noir, psychological suspense genre with a much faster pace than my other books.  It is titled Two Truths and A Liar.  It comes out in about a year and a half.  The first line is “The day my baby disappeared, I woke up to a witch appearing in my bedroom window.”

THANK YOU!!

[copiosis]

The One Thing We Must Do To Get The World We Want

More people are writing about the T-word and its choke-hold on American democracy and politics.

The United States isn’t the only country tribalism is choking. Tribalism thrives in Europe. As well as the middle east.

Here’s what tribalism looks like in the extreme. Let’s hope current examples don’t go that far.

Now, tribalism does serve a purpose. Though that’s hard to argue considering current conditions.

One could say, for example, that tribalism gives colonialists and political agents mechanisms to control populations. It’s easier to loot a country fighting itself. That was the case in Rwanda.

It also is the case in the US.

It’s been a long time since the United States witnessed such division. Today’s division is unique. Americans today faces an ideological smorgasbord of incendiary and life-defining issues. Combine them any way you want. You’ll describe one or several raging intra-national squabbles.

^^ Pick two and you have enough fighting words to start an argument in America.

And that’s a partial list. There’s something for every American!

Anyone looking at the world has to be asking “what the hell is going on?”

We’re offering a plausible explanation.

Welcome to the best of times

Tribalism is a symptom. It points to something we haven’t seen in a while. Something extraordinary. That’s cause to celebrate.

But to appreciate the celebration, you have to get what all this division foretells.

There’s a saying: “may you live in interesting times”. Well, the times haven’t been this interesting since the enlightenment.

^^The Enlightenment Period brought massive breakthroughs in human thought and civilization. Welcome to the Second Enlightenment. (Painting: By Raphael)

The ideas of the Enlightenment Period undermined the King's authroity, the Church’s authority and paved the way for political revolutions seen in the 18th and 19th centuries.

From Wikipedia:

The Enlightenment included a range of ideas centered on reason as the primary source of authority and legitimacy and came to advance ideals like liberty, progress, tolerance, fraternity, constitutional government and separation of church and state...[It] was marked by an emphasis on the scientific method and reductionism, along with increased questioning of religious orthodoxy—an attitude captured by the phrase Sapere aude, “Dare to know”.

Today we’re seeing the undermining of our established institutions, many of which have their legitimacy in the first enlightenment. Capitalism, democracy, mainstream culture, including patriarchy and heteronormativity, are all being undermined by new ideas. Better ideas. Ideas which bring with them, a future to be excited about.

^^Those who now are excited about the future. (Photo: Yingchou Han)

These ideas don’t, of course, provoke exctitment among those vested in these established institutions. Instead, these people see a dystopian future. They see an American collapse. Preceding the collapse is a gradual, but escalating breakdown of traditional values. Their argument goes America (or Europe) is going to hell in a hand basket, all this being foretold in religious prophecy, and you better get ready because the jig is up.

And if you’re not ready, or getting ready, you’re an idiot.

Such sales pitches would be comedic were they not taken serious by so many while  making the peddlers rich.

While the faithful consume this stuff then act accordingly, the more rational react accordingly too: shaking their heads at those picking up what the peddlers are putting down.

So we end up with populations who can’t understand each other. They also can’t help but think how crazy the other side is.

We get a divided society. And shitty national and personal experiences.

^^Some think these militia people are crazy. These militia people think those not preparing are crazy. (Credit: YouTube/Vice)

It’s no wonder people begin holing up in tribes and bunkers, and websites catering to their unique angst.

Tribalism happens when people catastrophize the future.

Maybe you’ve heard the word “catastrophizing” in your therapist's office. Catastrophizing is an irrational thought leading the thinker to believe something is far worse than it actually is.

It’s not the future that’s the problem. The problem is the thinker’s thinking process and his irrational responses to that process.

Tribalism is what happens when individuals catastrophize, then assemble around themselves people who catastrophize in the same way they do. They form groups in hopes of amplifying their effectiveness against the future they fear.

That’s how you go from a person imagining a future where he is deprived of what he’s had, to arming himself and joining a militia of similarly-armed people to “defend the American Constitution”.

Like tribalism, catastrophizing is a symptom.

To get the world we want instead of the one we fear, we gotta understand why people are forming tribes. Then we need to figure out what to do about it.

Someone has to be the adult here. “What to do about it” means having compassion for what these people are going through.

For example, some people, especially in middle America, are living their fear. They aren’t catastrophizing the future. They are living a catastrophe as their way of life crumbles around them now.

· · ·

The world is becoming richer and richer in virtually everything. But not for these people. Not in their perception anyway. A lot of people are being left behind. And not all of them are brown or children.

These people are traumatized by what some of us are excited about. They are traumatized and scared.

By what? The new.

Look folks. We face a bewildering array of new things, both here now, and on the horizon.

But for some people, the new is the old. Some of these folks were hit by the future more than 20 years ago, when the plant closed that once employed their entire town. These people have yet to process that.

Now, as if that weren’t enough, they’re being confronted, for example, by what they see are boys, claiming to be girls...with a large part of Americans going along with that. And that’s just one issue.

They’re not catastrophizing the future. Their now is a catastrophe!

For them, the past andthe present are the boogyman. And the boogyman is winning.

When a human is losing, particularly losing a big part of their existential reality, their worst fears and insecurities come out. So do their worst behaviors.

Humans tend not to be very good at containing their worst fears.

Particularly about one another.

Particularly if the thing they fear will leave them with less compared to others.

Particularly if “others” don’t look like them. Or believe like them. Or have sex like they do.

The specter of having to live with less is frightening. Especially if “less” includes the loss of your religious or national ideology. We’re not talking about “living simply”. For these people, it’s about living in a godless world.

Here these people are, standing in their reality perceiving a future that has more of less in store for them. Of course they would try to exert control “by any means possible”. Including armed standoff. Including electing as president, someone claiming to make their country the way it used to be.

We have a lot of individuals wallowing in serious insecurity folks. They’re seeking solace in groups that look like them. Groups that amplify instead of diminish said insecurities.

· · ·

Rather than trying to control a fear-filled situation, whether real or imagined, it’s always better to do something about the emotion you feel. Any action taken out of fear or insecurity tends to make matters worse.

This is why the times we live in hold tremendous promise. It’s never about what it’s about folks. We're coming through a second enlightenment.

In every instance so far, when the going gets tough, humans find a way. Humanity has rebounded from every single potential disaster, leaving humanity better than it was.

How do we know? As Morpheus put it: “We are still here”.

Today humanity faces so many problems, it can’t possibly solve them all with past thinking or tough action. Necessity is the mother of invention. Humanity must turn to something other than their tried and true habitually-relied upon resources.

Now humans are lazy.

Except for a few, they don’t like trying new things.

The vast majority goes kicking and screaming into the new, whether it’s accepting a country is tired of it’s colonial oppressor and letting that country go, or letting women do what they want with their bodies, real change, always begins with the majority resisting. Many times, violently so.

But the new future always wins. Eventually.

The new future ahead of us represents a world where human civilization better matches human potential. Interestingly, it shirks off age-old restrictions which squelch spiritual expression and therefore human expression.

All human expression is first spiritual.

There is room for the fearful and the insecure in this new future. Even while they catastrophize what’s coming, what’s coming already has made room for them to have what they want. But it does that without restricting what others want.

There is room for everybody. The problem is, humans have been acting as though that weren’t true.

^^ There’s a lotta space y’all! (Photo: NASA)

So what does that future look like?

First, there will always be people who live on basic needs. But that basic level can exceed what we today call “luxury living”.

There will always be inequality. But in the future, those with more can’t use their more to cause others to have less.

There will be negative people in the future. But they will have a lot of resources to help them. Resources that won’t cost anything.

There will still be disagreement. For a time. But disagreement won’t create wars and misery like it does today. Instead, it will create opportunity. For everyone.

There will be no more work. Yes, you’ll still exert effort. But not in a bullshit job. Instead, your effort will be aligned to your passions. Yep, some people think following your passions is, in itself bullshit. That’s because those people are bullshitters.

In my best Yoda voice: Listen to them, you will not.

Your passions are your inspiration and your gifts to the world. Effort employed there yields optimal outcomes. For everyone.

Humanity’s future has everybody doing that. Or preparing to do that.

You’ll no longer be in debt. Neither will anyone else. That’s because there will be no money. Money offers so many problems, it’s amazing we still use it today.

Oh, right. Humans are lazy.

Anyway, the albatross around your neck known as debt will disappear once and for all. But you’ll still get everything you need. Who’ll give them to you? People following their passions will be delighted to. That’s who.

You'll have all the healthcare, education and food you need to thrive. No longer will the miserly few express their disdain for you by forcing you to do shitty things to get your basic needs.

In the absence of today’s industries, the planet’s ecosystem will naturally return to health. Nothing is keeping the planet from expressing its well being other than brute-force industrial practices and lifestyles borne of narrow thinking, money-fueled economic theory.

The future has none of that. And so, nature will recover, with the help of those passionate about helping her. We mentioned people pursuing their passions, right?

Right.

If you’re feeling hopeful reading this, you’re doing your part to make it everyone’s reality.

Hope is a powerful thing.

Keep thinking positive about the future. Help others do the same.

Think less about the future that causes you feeling insecure and hopeless. Think less about what’s going on in the world right now. That’s the best thing you can do to help.

The tribalism and division we’re seeing serves a purpose because that’s how people are used to creating the future. They divide. Then they come together. Remember, people are lazy.

The tribalism we’re seeing is not the end of the world.

[lawrenceremodel]

Nas Denies Kelis Abuse Allegations While Pleading 'We Should Be Better Examples' for Son Knight

Some five months after his ex wife Kelis accused him of mental and physical abuse in an in-depth interview with Hollywood Unlocked, Nas is telling his side of the story.

On Thursday, the rapper, 44, shared a series of seven plain black Instagram posts with lengthy captions that explain his relationship with the “Milkshake” singer, 39 — especially in relation to the child they share, a boy named Knight Jones, born in July 2009.

“PART 1. The Price I Pay To See My Son,” he began before explaining that “a call from Essence about wife doing another sad fictitious story” prompted him to speak out.

View this post on Instagram

PART 1. The Price i Pay To See My Son. And apologies in advance for the typos as I am speaking from the heart as a man who has had enough. Today i got a call from essence about my ex wife doing another sad fictitious story. Nothing surprises me anymore, including this. This is what your life has come to sis? Exploiting some people’s Real struggle and pain…just to get at me….to get attention ? Fame? Another fight against men? We are a human family and we should be better examples for our son. Why is there even a issue for me to have time with my son. A son needs his father. So many absentee fathers out here and here i am being attacked by your accusations simply because i got us in court to help fix this the custody matter? Why did i have to take you to court to see our son? Why when i win the joint custody ( which is a win for both of us and our son, it helps us with both our schedules) why do you feel thats an attack on you? Is it control ? Why do you need to have control over my life? because we’re not together? Then why? Is this being rewarded and praised by people who are being taken advantage of by you and your lies? To all separated couples out there who are cordial and co parent nicely GOOD FOR YOU. I wish that was me. I’m the most chill cool parent there is. Who has time to argue ? About what? It’s about our little guy. You haven’t had to deal with what I’ve been dealing with. Trust me. I’m a mild mannered god fearing very fair human being who tries his hardest to please everyone. It’s my nature. I’ve seen this too many times before And there was times i thought Kelis my ex wife was not this type. This is the type of antics that deceive people and people mistakenly call it strong. Seems I always had more belief in you than you do for yourself. I instilled strength in my daughter who you were already so jealous of and treated poorly. Being jealous & verbally abusive to a Little girl.

A post shared by Nasir Jones (@nas) on Sep 6, 2018 at 4:54pm PDT

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PART 2. In life you have to work hard to be successful, not try to tear someone down for that’s the most coward way. Women are the essence of life. I cherish them. My strength is given to me from my mother. I am everything she taught me to be. I was raised in a single home by a single woman. I am a very proud black man. I shouldn’t have ignored the signs from your your first song and video I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. But I thought you was beautiful. You came into my life at a time i was grieving from my moms passing. You was a friend. Because of that i wanted to marry you. And i did. And we had a big lavish wedding. Overall there was too many good times. I have to say i wasn’t the most faithful husband. I was immature. I’m sorry about that. But you bumped your own head sis. Why do i have to live thru a constant divorce? It didn’t work out. Life goes on. I’m not coming back to you. Your married and im happy for you and I’m a extremely happy black brother out here trying to make a difference for my kids and the next generation of young people who see me as huge inspiration in music, art,business, education and so on. After 10 years of keeping my silence during a decade of dealing with very hostile behavior and verbal abuse and even your stepfather holding you back from one of your physical violent Attacks on me right outside your house THIS YEAR while trying to pick up our son while he watched from the window, it was my weekend and you denied me that because your parents were in town. I just went home. This has been my life for my son’s entire life. Even our son wonders why you treat me the way you do?

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He continues, “Nothing surprises me anymore, including this … We are a human family and we should be better examples for our son. Why is there even a issue for me to have time with my son. A son needs his father.”

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PART 3. There’s some seriously crazy things i won’t i disclose for our son’s sake. Because you keep my son from me ive been going thru lawyers to stop you from this bullshit I’m tired of it. I’m tired of you painting a bad picture of me. I’ve been tired of it but you never seem to get tired. I even had to be in a relationship with you AGAIN after we separated just so i could see my son & I AM JUST TIRED. Back then you asked me why didn’t i stop the divorce from happening. I tried! We are too different. Some things aren’t meant to be. We were meant to be so that we could have our son. Nothing more. You didn’t like that. I prayed for your peace of mind for years because of your uneasy soul. I still do. I guess some things take time. You definitely don’t know me now and probably never knew me. You make up this image of me that’s not true but it’s funny because it’s really you describing yourself. You made up stories about me and claimed i did things that YOU DID. I hate all this, but you were a very jealous wife, and i had to deal with that and that’s the worst feeling. How much heat i had to take from producers, writers, music attorneys and record execs etc who felt your mean spirited wrath and dropped you from labels, from startrack to them all. I stopped talking to jungle & steve stoute because of you & almost lost Anthony because of you.

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PART 4. You used to turn my phone off so my professionals couldn’t reach me and take the battery. You insulted any and everyone whoever was around me. Not a single person in my life loved or could even stand you. Luckily for you our assistants all signed NDA’s or you would have a list of men and women who would happily talk about how verbally abusive and evil you are. Your self saboteur ways has caused you your grief your dealing with. Not me. The altercations you speak of are no more different from what most normal couples go thru, but your exaggerated version is UNJUST. Whenever one is constantly attacked the instinct is to restrain that person or defend yourself to prevent escalation. In hindsight now my advice to young men out there in a situation like that is to RUN at the very first sign of verbal abuse or physical. I herd you said terrible things about me. It makes me feel sad how heartless you can be. You play with strong women’s struggles like they mean nothing. You’re taking advantage of a moment in time where women who are fighting for their lives to get justice and be treated fairly & you just looked at it as an opportunity to get ahead. Like abuse is a game? Like tearing down your son’s father is a game. You have a son! Why are you still competing with me by telling him bad things about me. Guess what sis, he has eyes and ears and smart as ever. i don’t have to say anything. I think he knows what’s really good. You will NOT stop me from fighting for my son. You tell him GOD doesn’t love his dad because his dad doesn’t goto church.

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In the next installment, Nas discussed his view of women and the beginning of his relationship with Kelis, writing, “I was raised in a single home by a single woman. I am a very proud black man. I shouldn’t have ignored the signs from your first song and video I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. But I thought you was beautiful. You came into my life at a time i was grieving from my moms passing. You was a friend. Because of that i wanted to marry you. And i did.”

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PART 5. Didn’t want to bring up money but since that’s the fuel behind all of this Let me say that I gave you the tools to be successful after you was dropped from your label. I paid for your cooking school cordon blue. The expensive yellow stove we had flown in from Europe. I helped pay for the remodeling of your house. Your assistant stole thousands from my cc according to Amex. Out of all people you should be completely understanding of my my grind. But you just can’t win with you. My schedule is CRAZY but you never help me see my son. I’m hardly allowed to talk to him on the phone. Ever. My lawyer told me bring the cops to your house and show my court orders when you don’t let me get him or answer your phone but who besides you wants to show their kids that his parents are that out of control? I’ve been going thru lawyers to stop you from this bullshit for years. I finally got our custody together to work with both our schedule thru court, while leaving court you tell me your gonna get me back for fighting to see my son and 3 weeks later you’re on camera doing an interview about “your truth”. Interesting timing. Do what you want just don’t violate another court order sis because the judge won’t like that at all. The judge already ordered you to pay my legal fees because he was tired of you wasting everyone’s time in court. No lawyer wants to represent you after what you put them thru. That’s why you texted me today asking me for more child support money-and you want to keep it out court. You will NOT stop me from fighting for my son. Remember GOD sees all. And I’m no longer allowing you to take advantage of the fact that I did not want to respond in a manner that could affect my kids , friends or family publicly. THAT ENDS TODAY.

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PART 6. Everything with her is a plot and a scheme. Has no merit. No foundation I didn’t Wana speak up because i have real respect for our women. And definitely my son. I do not beat women. I did not beat up my ex wife. Stop. You got beat up in court. How much money do you want? Do you want me to relinquish my rights to see my son is that what you want? Just tell me. After all the tweets and posts you made thru the years disrespecting me and my family I still have love for you as the mother of my child BUT I am done with this. This game ends now and GOD will be the judger of all this. And although you tell everyone GOD hates me (some Christian you are) I will survive and thrive from this moment because I know who I am & you have not a clue who you are.

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Nas continued, taking shots at Kelis’ character: “You insulted any and everyone whoever was around me. Not a single person in my life loved or could even stand you. Luckily for you our assistants all signed NDA’s or you would have a list of men and women who would happily talk about how verbally abusive and evil you are.”

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PART 7. And to all the fans that knew my silence was due to the fact that I don’t openly do this kind of petty shit… I appreciate you riding. And to those that were lead down a wrong path… I get it… very sensitive times and all things must be taken seriously. This is MY TRUTH. And I don’t care what else she has left to say unless it concerns our son. This is the first and last time I’m addressing this. Despite all of this I still hope for the best for her because whats best for her is what’s best for Knight. Love, NASIR BIN OLU DARA JONES

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Then, the “I Can” hitmaker addressed the custody arrangement he and Kelis reached in March and the Hollywood Unlocked interview: “I finally got our custody together to work with both our schedule thru court, while leaving court you tell me your gonna get me back for fighting to see my son and 3 weeks later you’re on camera doing an interview about ‘your truth’. Interesting timing.” He also urged her not to “violate another court order.”

RELATED: Victoria Beckham Slams Divorce Rumors as She Poses with Husband David: ‘We’re Stronger Together’

In part six of seven, Nas explicitly denied the abuse allegations: “I do not beat women. I did not beat up my ex wife. Stop. You got beat up in court. How much money do you want? Do you want me to relinquish my rights to see my son is that what you want? Just tell me.”

And to conclude, the rapper explained that he had stayed silent for so long because he doesn’t “do this kind of petty s—” adding, “This is MY TRUTH. And I don’t care what else she has left to say unless it concerns our son. This is the first and last time I’m addressing this. Despite all of this I still hope for the best for her because whats best for her is what’s best for Knight.”

RELATED: Kelis Lists $1.9 Million L.A. Home and Announces ‘We’re Buying a Farm’

Nas and Kelis divorced in 2010 but did not reach a custody agreement regarding Knight until March of this year. According to TMZ, they have also been battling over the amount of child support Nas should pay. Kelis is also mother to Shepherd Mora, born in November 2015. She is married to Mike Mora.

This past April marks the first time Kelis spoke out about her relationship with Nas, calling it a “really dark” time in her life. “There was a lot of drinking. There was a lot of mental and physical abuse,” she recalled. “I probably would have stayed longer had I not been pregnant because I really did love him and because we were married. We weren’t dating, we were married. Like, this was my person.”

RELATED: Kelis Accuses Ex Nas of ‘Mental and Physical Abuse’ During 5-Year Marriage: ‘It Was Really Dark’

She continued, “I’ve waited nine years to say anything. I have never talked about this man, ever. The amount of airing out that I could do, and I’ve chosen not to … Our kids will find out. They’re finding out now. I’ve never painted myself as a saint. Did he hit me? Mmhm. Did I hit him back? Mmhm.”

from DIYS https://ift.tt/2NVDOox

[oklibrary]

The Spaces We Inhabit and How They Affect Us

Valerie Sills, former resident of the Pruitt-Igoe housing complex in St. Louis, describes, “At first, Pruitt-Igoe was just a wonderful place” (qtd. in Freidrichs 00:17:43-00:17:49). It wasn’t yet a hub of crime and disaster, an apartment complex neglected to the point of deterioration, and certainly wasn’t a place worse than the slums where she’d been living. But as the apartment complex’s maintenance began to fall apart, as urban patterns changed, and as more people were relocated into the apartment complex, the Pruitt-Igoe turned into a zone of complete disaster.

Demolished just three decades after its opening, the Pruitt-Igoe was a public housing project designed to eliminate St. Louis’s slums by moving residents into modernist high rise apartments (Marshall). The apartment complex promised comfortable living that would vastly improve the lives of residents, but something, somewhere went terribly wrong. Within a couple of years, crime rates spiked, the building began to crumble, and “to the average St. Louisan, the word Pruitt-Igoe became this representation of the fears of black poverty, black drug abuse, black crime” (Brown qtd. in Freidrichs 00:59:30-00:57:37). It became a zone of crime and a place that even the police ignored and neglected. “If your house was broken into and you call the police[,] they wouldn’t come because you were in Pruitt-Igoe,” describes another former resident (Russell qtd. in Freidrichs 00:59:56-1:00:03). Many point to the apartment complex’s aid program as the reason why it failed. The apartment complex gave priority to families with single mothers, but as a result, created a system that would break families apart. A former resident describes how in order to move into Pruitt-Igoe, her father had to leave her family: “They would put us into the housing project only if he left the state” (Williams qtd. in Freidrichs 00:33:06-00:33:15). This broke apart families, but at the same time took away the strong, tightly-knit communities that existed even in the slums. A lack of community that would later manifest itself in crime and violence within the apartment complex (Freidrichs).

Others point the Pruitt-Igoe’s failure to maintenance. Being a public housing project, the Pruitt-Igoe’s budgets were often cut and funds were never sufficient to provide adequate maintenance for the buildings. Residents couldn’t do anything but live with faulty elevators, leaky toilets, broken windows, and a sense of neglect that would lead to the apartment complex’s failure. A former resident describes how the elevators in the building would frequently stop working – so frequently that there was a routine set in place for when residents got stuck in elevators: they would force open the elevator doors and pull on the elevator ropes to raise themselves to the nearest floor (Freidrichs).

There’s not a single thing to blame when it comes to Pruitt-Igoe’s failure. However, a piece often disregarded is simply the architecture of the apartment complex. How did the architecture change residents’ patterns of behavior? For example, modernist high rises like the Pruitt-Igoe are widely criticized because they foster a sense of isolation from the community, due to there being no real space for social interaction other than hallways, spaces that are only really used in transit (Freidrichs). Additionally, the sense of crowding that comes with apartment buildings causes residents to feel a lack of control over privacy, leading residents to act selfishly and irrationally (Dougall 24). The architecture of the building led residents to behave in ways that were destructive to the people around them, and it’s clear that it played a role in the destruction of the apartment complex and the communities in it (Freidrichs).

Winston Churchill once said, “We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us” (qtd. in Bond). Environmental psychology studies exactly this phenomenon – the effect that our environments (built and natural) have on our behaviors and mental processes. Contemporary practices in architecture combine architecture with environmental psychology to create buildings that are effective functionally, aesthetically, and psychologically (Evans 198), to provide healthy, appropriate environments that are helpful for the structures’ users. For example, reading rooms should prioritize concentration for readers while “[facilitating] secure interaction of readers with archival documents” (196). The architecture of this room should clearly reflect these needs and purposes. But when we look at the buildings around us today, it’s easy to see that architecture doesn’t always take psychological effects certain structures might have on people into account, often times prioritizing use of space, functionality, and cost. What’s the big deal? So what if we turn a failed school into a federal prison? The problem is when buildings are destructive towards their use and their users. Schools are hubs of interaction, focused learning, and collaboration, whereas prisons should be environments that encourage rehabilitation. Completely different users and uses. When  the average American spends over 90% of their time indoors (Namazian and Mehdipour 109), it’s easy to see why smart architecture is so important.

Take the Seattle Central Library. This library, one of the most well-known structures designed by the Office for Metropolitan Architecture (OMA), is also frustratingly disorientating, causing people to feel confused and uncomfortable as soon as they walk into the library (Bond). Yet the library is considered a masterpiece: the OMA’s library conveys a sense of openness, sustainability, and flexibility of structure (Evans 197), while taking advantage of vertical and horizontal space.

The library is a success and a failure: on the one hand, it revolutionizes 21st century postmodernist architecture; on the other, it fails by making users feel disoriented and confused, disregarding one of the most important pieces when it comes to library design: finding books. For instance, the library’s one-way escalators that “sweep visitors from the ground floor into the upper reaches with no obvious means of descent” (Bond) cause users to feel uneasy about direction and a sense of where to go. “Unfortunately when it comes to navigation, our expectations are there for a good reason. There are very few situations in the real world where you can go from A to B via one route and you’re forced to take a different route from B back to A,” says Ruth Conroy Dalton, Professor of Building Usability and Visualization at Northumbria University (Dalton and Höllscher 42).

Users have called this library “confusing” and “uncomfortable” (B., Polly), while another visitor commented that “books are really hard to find” (H., Rebeccah). The disorientation not only causes confusion to library users, but it has also been found that to feel connected to a place, it is important that people know how things relate to one another (Bond).

And, like with the Pruitt-Igoe, there exist much more extreme consequences than a feeling of disorientation. Buildings with bad design – they could be our workplaces, our schools, our homes – lead us to unsustainable patterns of behavior. Unsustainable behaviors like isolation (Bond), apathy, a lack of energy, and withdrawal (Dougall 24).

Withdrawal and isolation are common, for example, in college housing. It was found that long-corridor college dorms that required students to share bathrooms, lounges, hallways, kitchens, with many students created a competitive environment that eventually led students to feel helpless and withdrawn. Residents felt a lack of control over privacy and perceived unhealthy amounts of crowding that damaged their locus of control, leading to stress and discomfort (Dougall 24). A freshman college dorm resident describes in a Reddit post, “Everyone lives so incredibly close to you, you literally have no privacy at all [...] people are constantly in my face, in my room, and in the bathroom” (“Did Anyone Else…”). Another former college dorm resident recounts, “Common floor bathrooms were the worst [...] But it’s not stressful unless you’re trying to do something academic [...]”. Privacy is essential for mental and emotional stability. A lack of control over privacy not only hurts students’ long-term success in college, but could lead to more serious mental disorders such as schizophrenia (Abbott), depression, and chronic anxiety (Bond).

The same sense of crowding that disrupts control over privacy is also seen in prisons. Prisons with high populations and high social densities saw greater death rates and inmates were found to have higher blood pressures (Dougall 24). The indirect relationship (e.g. crowded spaces that may induce stress that could in turn affect human health) between architecture and health seems to be just as important as the direct relationship (e.g. cardiovascular disease from exposure to fumes) (23).

The indirect relationship can be seen in the positive effects of nature and green space on human health (Bond). In a study conducted with post-surgery patients, it was found that patients who had a window view of nature were more cooperative and had a faster recovery process than patients who had a view of a brick wall (Dougall 25). Furthermore, people raised in the countryside were found to have completely different brain structures than people from the city (Abbott), and were half as prone to psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia (Bond) and managed social stress more effectively (Abbott).

Joye Yannick, Professor of Evolutionary and Social Psychology of University of Groningen, argues that humans have a preference for structures that remind us of nature because humans have inherited subconscious judgements about places, and those most familiar to human evolution are natural structures (305). Organic, curved structures were found to make people feel better compared to geometric structures (Bond). As iconic Spanish architect Antoni Gaudí put it: “There are no straight lines or sharp corners in nature. Therefore, buildings must have no straight lines or sharp corners” (“Antoni Gaudi Quotes”).

In the workplace, indoor plants have been found to boost worker morale, decrease absenteeism, and foster greater work efficiency among workers (Qin et al. 2), further supporting the theory that nature has a positive effect on human behavior and health. It was also found that people in windowless offices used more nature scenes to decorate their surroundings than people with windowed offices (Dougall 25), demonstrating a possible need for humans to be connected to nature. People in windowed offices also report higher job satisfaction, demonstrate higher levels of excitement about their work, and are more positive about their work environment. It’s no secret that windowed offices are highly coveted in offices – they are so valued that the difference between a windowed office and a windowless one reflects position and hierarchy in the office (24).

Partitioned, individual rooms for a workspace may also reflect hierarchy: people with separate rooms for offices hold higher positions in the office while people, perhaps working in cubicles, may hold less power. It was found that people are usually separated four feet from one another in offices, disrupting this sense of privacy that is vital to effective, undisturbed work (Namazian and Mehdipour 110).

Also relevant to education spaces, undisturbed work and concentration is key to effective work and a focused learning environment. “If too much is going on around us then we block out information and cues in order to cope, and if we are overloaded with information then this leads to fatigue” (Evans 200). It is tricky because wide-open spaces are pleasing to the user, but can also act as a distraction from the work at hand.

Libraries, in particular, have to deal with this problem. Open spaces are important for a library to feel free and not claustrophobic or stuffy, but at the same time private spaces are required for peaceful, focused reading (Evans 196). Lighting is also important, not just to learning environments, but to any space in general. Overexposure to fluorescent lights can cause eye strain, decreased visual acuity, and increased lethargy (Dougall 25). The Kanazawa Umimirai Library, for example, uses skylights in a dotted pattern in the walls to take advantage of natural light while creating a soft, dappled light effect evocative of forest light for readers (Evans 198).

There will always be good buildings and bad buildings. But as architects, designers, regional planners, interior designers, it is important that we understand the effect that structures have on human health. That way, we don’t end up with disasters like the Pruitt-Igoe. Moving forward, it is our job to understand what role architecture plays in global issues today. What relationship does the architecture of Syria have with civil war? How can we build structures that are designed for the betterment of people with mental disorders? Is is possible to build a safe space that encourages diversity and bridges the ever-widening ideology gap across the world?

All are questions we must answer. As an aspiring architect, I see architecture as a way to begin solving the world’s problems. Jean Nouvel, architect for the new Louvre in Abu Dhabi, says, “Each new situation requires a new architecture” (“Jean Nouvel”), and there is nothing I could agree with more.

Works Cited

Abbott, Alison. “City Living Marks the Brain.” Nature News, Nature Publishing Group, 22 June2011, www.nature.com/news/2011/110622/full/474429a.html.

"Antoni Gaudi Quotes." BrainyQuote.com. Xplore Inc, 2017. 12 November 2017. https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/antonigaud534341.html

B., Polly. “The Seattle Public Library - Central Library.” Yelp, Yelp Inc., 24 May 2017, www.yelp.com/biz/the-seattle-public-library-central-library-seattle?hrid=RHtSXEyR6DJUGequGMCeQ&utm_campaign=www_review_share_popup&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=(direct).

Bond, Michael. “The Hidden Ways That Architecture Affects How You Feel.” BBC, BBC, 6 June 2017, www.bbc.com/future/story/20170605-the-psychology-behind-your-citys-design.

“Book Spiral.” REX, REX, www.rex-ny.com/seattle-library/.

Dalton, Ruth Conroy, and Christoph Höllscher. Take One Building: Interdisciplinary Research Perspectives of the Seattle Central Library. Routledge, 2017.

“Did Anyone Else HATE Living in a Dorm?” Reddit, Reddit Inc., 26 Feb. 2016, www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/comments/47mwye/did_anyone_else_hate_living_in_a_dorm/.

Dougall, Angela Liegey, et al. “Architecture and Health.” Cambridge Handbook of Psychology, Health and Medicine, 2009, pp. 23–26. Cambridge Books Online, Cambridge University Press, doi:10.1017/cbo9780511543579.006.

Evans, Madelin. “Developing a Research Methodology to Explore Whether the Architecture and Environment of Reading Rooms Has an Effect on Readers' Behaviour, and Specifically Handling.” Archives and Records, vol. 36, no. 2, Mar. 2015, pp. 195–215., doi:10.1080/23257962.2015.1070713.

Frearson, Amy. “Kanazawa Umimirai Library by Kazumi Kudo and Hiroshi Horiba / Coelacanth K&H Architects.” Dezeen, Dezeen, 22 June 2011, www.dezeen.com/2011/06/22/kanazawa-umimirai-library-by-coelacanth-kh-architects/.

Freidrichs, Chad, director. The Pruitt-Igoe Myth. The Pruitt-Igoe Myth, 18 Sept. 2012, www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKgZM8y3hso.

H., Rebeccah. “The Seattle Public Library - Central Library.” Yelp, Yelp Inc., 24 May 2017, www.yelp.com/biz/the-seattle-public-library-central-library-seattle?hrid=lsP5Jv26DK9M09sg9RnYuw&utm_campaign=www_review_share_popup&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=(direct).

“Jean Nouvel.” Architectuul, Architectuul, 20 Dec. 2013, architectuul.com/architect/jean-nouvel.

Joye, Yannick. “Architectural Lessons from Environmental Psychology: The Case of Biophilic Architecture.” Review of General Psychology, vol. 11, no. 4, 2007, pp. 305–328., doi:10.1037/1089-2680.11.4.305.

Kim, Andrew. “Seattle Central Library - Reading Room and Bookshelves.” Minimally Minimal, Andrew Kim, 24 Apr. 2012, www.minimallyminimal.com/blog/2012/4/24/seattle-central-library.html.

Marshall, Colin. “Pruitt-Igoe: The Troubled High-Rise That Came to Define Urban America.”The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 22 Apr. 2015, www.theguardian.com/cities/2015/apr/22/pruitt-igoe-high-rise-urban-america-history-cities.

Moore Jr., Barrington. "Privacy." Society, vol. 35, no. 2, Jan/Feb98, p. 287. EBSCOhost.

Namazian, Ali, and Armin Mehdipour. “Psychological Demands of the Built Environment, Privacy, Personal Space and Territory in Architecture.” International Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Sciences, vol. 3, no. 4, 2013, pp. 109–113., doi:10.5923/j.ijpbs.20130304.04.

Petcher, Andrew. “Alternative Twelve Treasures of Spain – Antoni Gaudi.” Andrew Petcher, 20 Mar. 2017, apetcher.wordpress.com/2013/03/20/alternative-twelve-treasures-of-spain-antoni-gaudi/.

“Pruitt-Igoe Demolition.” HUD User, HUD User, www.huduser.gov/portal/pdredge/pdr_edge_featd_article_110314.html.

Qin, Jun, et al. “The Effect of Indoor Plants on Human Comfort.” Indoor and Built Environment, vol. 23, no. 5, 2013, pp. 709–723., doi:10.1177/1420326x13481372.