#I see that happens a lot but all that does is reinforce their beliefs

[miraculous-ninjabird]

I as an ex-mormon have found a pretty solid strategy for the missionaries who are always coming around my house. (I never bothered with the legal process of getting my name removed). It’s so far worked pretty well and doesn’t actually involve me telling them no (since I often have an issue with that. I’m working on it).

I’ll note my strategy won’t work for everyone. I’d encourage people who encounter mormon missionaries to try it if they are able but if you can’t or won’t then the best thing you can do is just politely tell them ‘no thanks’. Please don’t antagonize them it’ll just make thing worse. But anyways. Moving on.

I’ll almost always let them in when they ask unless I’m busy or have plans. I’ll often times let them schedule another time to come by if I am busy.

My strategy is to immediately engage them and get them talking about themselves. Their interests, where they’re from, their pets back home, what they plan to study in school, places they are interested in checking out on the one day off a week they get, ect. Anything other then the reason they came (religion).

My reasoning behind it as follows. These are young men and woman ages 18-22, many of whom this is their very first time out ‘on their own’ in the real world. But they have lots of rules to follow and they are literally expected to eat, sleep and breath religion. Even on their ‘days off’ they are heavily restricted on what they are allowed to do. I want to give them a chance to be just people without all that. I want to help remind them that they individuals and that their religion does not define them.

Guys you should see how excited some of these people get when they see I genuinely I want to hear about them and their interests outside of their religion. They’ll go on and on about this or that. Their favorite books or that movie they’re really excited to see when they finally get home or the dog that they miss or how they used to love helping out on their grandfather’s goat farm or how they hope that they’ll get transferred up norther next spring because they really want to see that solar eclipse or the degree that they’re planning to peruse. Often times they get so caught up in what they are telling me that they forget the reason they even came in the first place.

It’s both very heartwarming and in a way kind of sad because I know my house is one of the few times that they can just be who they are without the religion. When they are with me I actively encourage them to talk about and think about things that are important to them but that they simply don’t get the chance to talk about or hardly even think about while they are on their missions.

Often times I’ll get the same pairs coming back and a good 8/10 they forget the religion entirely and just get to be themselves. Sometimes I’ll make dinner for them. I’ll invite them to play board games (this invitation can be hit and miss). Overall we all have a pretty enjoyable time with the trade off is the 2/10 times they remember I have to sit through a prayer or a 5 minute lesson or an invitation to come on Sunday. But I personally don’t mind that. I spent a lot of time feeling oppressively surrounded by their belief system when I was just as an everyday member so I can’t imagine how bad it must get sometimes to have that be your only thought every moment of the day. If I can provide a space to help relieve that pressure on these missionaries then I’m more than happy to sacrifice here or there.

And you know. I’m queer and while I don’t flaunt it I’m not shy about it in my own home. Anyone who visits will immediately know. Most missionaries won’t ask or even bring it but but the results in regards to the ones that do have actually been resoundingly positive. They’ve been polite and willing to engage in an honest discussion with me about their beliefs in that front and why I take issue with it. I’ve had times where having these people over, engaging them on a personal level, and showing them that ‘hey I am a normal person just like you’ has actually made a legitimate difference. I’ve gotten missionaries to question the very bigoted beliefs held by many members of their church. I’ve had missionaries say ‘you know that’s a good point. I don’t know why that is, I’ll have to look into it.’

Even if that doesn’t happen I’ve never had things go badly. I’ve never been insulted or called slurs. I the worst I’ve gotten is them explaining their beliefs say my ‘lifestyle’ is wrong and then asking if they’re still anything they can do to convince me to change it. It’s always dropped when I say no. And while this is obviously not a good thing to say to a bi/enby person like me, I’m also fairly forgiving on that front. This is because I myself have had to go through the process of unlearning those bigoted beliefs. Unlearning and then Restructuring your entire worldview is a long, difficult, and confusing process and I personally am willing to give people the benefit of the doubt to allow them a chance to start that process. <- I will note that the missionaries that I have to politely but firmly shut down on this front often don’t come back but that’s fine since I’m not at all interested in what their religion has to say on the matter.

My hope here is that by being kind and welcoming and giving these people a safe place to see that ‘hey the outside world really isn’t as terrifying as the church tells you it is and that we are all just people trying to live our lives’ that maybe I’ll make a difference and encourage someone to reconsider their beliefs or give someone who doesn’t want to leave but feels trapped the courage to do so. I honestly couldn’t tell you if it makes a difference in their lives afterwards in regards to the church but I do know I’m making a big difference in their lives in that moment and for me that’s enough.

Plus there’s also the bonus of I don’t mind entertaining them for a few hours here or there and every hour they spend with me is one less hour they spend in the house of someone who really doesn’t want them there but was to nice to say no. So yea.

This was prompted by the fact that I had missionaries over at my house this morning and we had a lengthy and interesting discussion about space and exactly zero discussion about religion.

[neverfilth]

"Bloberta made Clay drink so-"

OKAY, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHY?

Let me explain

'Help'.

A very important word when describing Bloberta.

First, it is integral to understand that Bloberta feels torturously alone and unwanted. Her friends are all getting married while she has no one.

She isn't clever enough to help Censordoll.

Her own family leaves her out of the family choir. 

And the only crumb of validation she is offered is from her mother.

��Why don't you help me out and… Clean your room?” Note even the slight pause her mother has, as if she doesn't even know what to do with Bloberta.

Next, we see her trudge to her room. And what does she hide under the covers of her bed?

A flask.

She turns to alcohol when she is confronted with how unwanted she is. But where did that draw to alcohol come from?

We know she comes from a home where she is ultimately ignored and seen as valueless by everyone except one person.

Her Father.

I have a lot of thoughts about Bloberta and Raymond's relationship (the one scene where they interact just UGH LIVES IN MY HEAD) but the main thing to get away from it is that she associates the act of drinking with her Father.

A man who, without alcohol, is unable to speak his mind at all. He drinks to better tolerate his situation and his wife, who clearly doesn't value his words or opinions.

But Bloberta is very receptive to her Father, she greatly values his company and his thoughts and she finds comfort in being around him. She feels like someone cares about her and values her even if she knows he can't change anything.

Notice that despite her desperation to speak with her father, to form that connection that would validate her, she can't even touch him because she knows doing so would break the frail connection they have currently. Her Father is so reserved that at this point, any unexpected emotional reach would immediately cause him to shut down and retreat. Demonstrated just by him closing up immediately after she told him she loved him.

So how does this affect Blobertas perception of alcohol?

Well she says it herself.

"I think it helps us to be better people".

This rationality was reinforced by the small acts of kindness her father would show her.

And we don't have any reason to believe she is lying about this because up until the night of the reception, she's experienced nothing that contradicts this belief.

Bloberta's reliance on alcohol can be seen as her reaching for a solution to her need to feel wanted. She knows she's left out, both by friends and family. But if she believes drinking can make you become a better person? Then of course she would drink, because maybe then someone will want her.

What does she say directly after that?

"My Father drinks.”

Further insinuating her belief that he is good and he is the main reason she sees alcohol as a positive force.

She thought it would genuinely help Clay.

There's that word again.

Importantly, notice her clear anxiety and tenseness in her beginning interactions with Clay. From her first question, their conversation began falling apart.

So what happened?

Just after the wedding, she was almost suave in the way she invited Clay to the reception.

Why was she so nervous now?

Well, in her eyes, this was her chance.

After an undisclosed time of having no luck she finally convinces a handsome single man to have some semblance of a date with her.

She NEEDS this to go well.

So she's obviously anxious and stressed, and that's showing, but she figures that some drinks will make it easier for both of them. She's full panicking because she feels it's just so normal to drink, especially socially, and she can't understand why he wouldn't drink. She has no frame of reference for that mindset.

Things are already awkward between them once they settle in, and its not getting better. So of course she is going to fall back on what makes things easier for her.

And initially things are looking up.

Suddenly Clay's more talkative, and more receptive to what she's saying.

He's complimenting her.

He says she helped him.

The one thing she wants more than anything is to feel useful, she wants to be able to fit into that role that everyone expects her to so that she can be of worth to someone.

She isn't worth it to her peers,

she isn't worth it to her family,

but she could be worth it to him.

This only reinforces her resolve. 

This is it.

She is going to finally find her place to fit in, and everyone will welcome her with open arms as she finally finds her place in the role society has chosen for her.

But it's not that simple.

Things go south quickly, Clay doesn't want these things that Bloberta has to have. 

But she needs them.

To Bloberta, those things are proof of your value. The value society, friends, and family place on you.

Who would she be if she couldn't attain that value?

We again recognize that Bloberta has a fixation on being helpful. Helpfulness is the clearest indication of one's value, after all.

After being turned away by Clay, she immediately returns to a default ‘helpful’ act, cleaning. Just like her mother would tell her to do. But this was still her only chance, and Clay had already told her she had helped him. If she could only help him again, then maybe she had a chance at the real value she craved.

Once her anger passes and Clay sobers up, she returns to him and paints herself as ‘helpful’ as possible. She's desperate for that validation again, and if he would agree to her help then everything would certainly be fine.

She is practically begging him, help becomes a plea for him to save her from the pain of her day to day.

She hopes more than anything he will accept her and make all her pain go away.

He does accept, but in exchange, her previous world view is shattered.

Drinks don't help you become a better person.

They just help your true nature come out.

[badwolfrose34]

Girl in the Fireplace Rant (cont.)

There was at least some engagement on my last post about this so I decided I will in fact post a follow up. GitF was 100% a bad faith episode. Moffat wrote it because he is classist and misogynistic and hates Rose. Unfortunately, part of his purpose for the episode was to show that the Doctor will always prefer a “classy” aristocrat over Rose and he wanted to have her treated as nothing. So, all of us Rose fans have to come up with a headcanon that undermines the writer’s intentions.

I think the most common one is to believe the episode was the Doctor’s attempts to push Rose away because of her mortality and how that scares him.

That never worked for me because a major part of the Doctor’s character is his protectiveness. He would never push her away to the point of danger or abandonment. For me, I feel that fictional or not, the actions of the Doctor in that episode would be entirely unforgivable if they did happen. So my headcanon is that this episode was a nightmare Rose had.

If you are like me are also one of the fans for whom the pushing her away theory doesn’t work, read on for my explanation of why I don’t think GitF could be an actual event within canon. Moffat may be a BBC writer but it doesn’t give him a right to completely undermine the show, it doesn’t actually belong to anyone outside of financial concerns. If you’re content with believing he needed to push Rose away and that the episode did happen, you can ignore this.

Why the events GitF did not happen within canon (but could’ve happened as a nightmare)

1. Doctor Who canon is very loose as it is. With multiple writers across multiple mediums, things do contradict each other and us as fans get to decide for ourselves what fits with canon and what does not.

2. The Doctor has been clearly shown to be in love with Rose. He is protective of her to the point that if a decision will kill everyone else but give her even a slight chance of survival, he can’t actually make that decision. He almost did in Dalek, but after she didn’t get through the barricade the first time he was incapable of significantly reducing her safety for the good of everyone else. He snapped awake from a regeneration coma just because Rose said “help me”. He freaked out when Cassandra had her body and again in Tooth and Claw when she was in trouble. If you count Stone Rose that almost certainly took place before GitF and he once again, lost his mind over Rose being a statue.

I do understand seeing Sarah Jane age freaked him out. And I could’ve understood him distancing himself from Rose a bit in some way. But his instinct to protect her is so strong he’d never sacrifice her safety to push her away. Leaving her alone with clockwork for an extended period of time while he partied and invented drinks is impossible enough. Let alone the way he believed he’d have no way back to the ship when he went through the time window for the last time. Not only had he just promised she could spend the rest of her life with him, but her and Mickey would’ve likely died alone on that abandoned spaceship.

Simply, it’s just too out of character to happen within the rest of the Ninth and Tenth Doctors’ canon.

3. The horse. I have been a big horse person my entire life. Horses have extremely strong flight instincts. Even the most trusting and well trained horse in the world is never going to jump through reinforced glass. I do realize as Sci Fi fans we have to suspend disbelief for a lot of things. But we are never given an explanation as to why this horse would behave so dramatically differently from another horse. Every bizarre thing we accept in the DW universe is explained to some extent. There is a book where the Doctor tames a horse with psychic paper. But that horse is never asked to violate its instincts. That horse behaves as any other tame horse behaves. That is an example of acceptable DW suspension of belief. There is still a sci fi/alien technical explanation and I can absorb it. I cannot absorb a horse jumping through a firm glass window unless they were running from something even scarier. No matter how well trained a horse is, it’s not jumping through glass just because a humanoid asked them to. Nothing was chasing Arthur and his body language did not suggest any kind of fear to indicate he was running from something even scarier. All the droids were already in the other side of the window as well. It’s simply bizarre and impossible, even in a sci fi snow. Within this very show the Doctor states you can’t hypnotize someone beyond their survival instincts. I believe this applies to horses and a horse’s instincts is to avoid jumping through or into a reinforced barrier.

Next, we are given no explanation as to how this horse jumped through glass unscathed. Glass that was said to be so strong only a truck could break through. Horses are also extremely delicate and many have fatally injured themselves just playing in the paddock. Even for injuries not that extreme, every horse person knows that even small things result in giant vet bills.

Finally, it is once again grossly out of character for the Doctor to take a living animal and make them do something he previously calculated would required a truck.

4. Things are back to normal as if the episode never happened by the Rise of the Cybermen. If the Doctor had really developed feelings for another woman so strong that he would leave Rose for dead, then lost her, would he just be back to being the same old Doctor the very next episode? I doubt it. The Doctor is also a character known for holding on to guilt. Even if Reinette was mechanism to push Rose away, the way he abandoned her would’ve caused enough guilt he wouldn’t just be normal the very next episode. The show carries on as if Reinette never happened because Reinette never happened.

The only reference to that GitF is some clockwork droids in John Smith’s journal. Which could be explained by another encounter with the droids or by the Doctor looking at Rose’s mind to see the nightmare. Which would be an intimate enough moment to imprint on John Smith’s subconscious. The words “a girl in every fireplace” can once again refer to the Doctor seeing Rose’s nightmare or another off screen adventure entirely. There is no reference strong enough to confirm the actual events of GitF ever happened. The show functions exactly the same way without it. Because, it never happened.

5. The events of the show make perfect sense as a nightmare in Rose’s head. Take it from someone with a degree in psychology. Rose has abandonment wounds from Jimmy Stone. She also has abandonment wounds from her father dying when she was too young to understand it. School Reunion, the episode right before GitF triggers her abandonment wounds by making her see the Doctor has previously left companions and did not come back for them. It also makes her wonder if she is special to the Doctor. These doubts combined with her past trauma are a perfect recipe for her to have a bizarre nightmare where she gets abandoned in the most horrific way after the events of School Reunion.

I will leave you all with my fic where this was all a nightmare. Or you can write your own if you prefer. My point is that for those who feel the way I do about this episode, we do not have to accept the events as canon. We do not have to believe the Doctor has ever treated Rose this way except in her worst nightmares.

Update to address Deep Breath:

1. Doctor mentioned seeing clockwork droids before, but we know that the Doctor has many off screen adventures. He could’ve encountered the droids at any other point in his entire life besides GitF.

2. As for that episode stating the SS Madame De Pompadour existed, that still doesn’t confirm anything. There was a real life ship called the USS Queen of France. This was named for Marie Antoinette. Jackie dated a sailor once and Rose had a friend named Keisha whose brother was a sailor. This means Rose could’ve heard one of them discussing historical naval ships. This how she would imagine a ship named after Madame de Pompadour in the first place. She and the people who built the SS Madame de Pompadour and SS Marie Antoinette would’ve simply drawn inspiration from the same place. Also, there’s the fact that someone named a fictional ship Titan many years before Titanic ever existed.

Update 2: Rose was going to get an A level in French if she hadn’t run off with Jimmy. So she could’ve reasonably been familiar with some aspects of French history and able to imagine all of these things in a dream, even if it wasn’t a historically accurate dream, everyone knows weird things happen in dreams.

[demodraws0606]

I'm kinda peeved off that I'm seeing a few people that have the critique that Siffrin didn't deserve their "happy ending" in the end, that he was forgiven too quickly. I'm bad about this for actually a number of reasons.

(Warning this will be long because I am irrationally passionate about this, totally not because I relate to Siffrin or anything ahahahahaha)

First, logically, Siffrin's actions definitely are not as awful as people make it out to be especially not in the context of a time loop story. The worst Siffrin has done was his actions in the Bad Touch achievement and the last loop, one being purely optional. Outside of that, any tampering Siffrin had done was purely harmless, sure it's existentially horrifying but it's not like he did any actual manipulation.

You could also argue since Siffrin was in control of the loop, they are responsible for everything that was happening but we know full well he wasn't in control literally, his emotions were in control of the loop. Considering, a whole thing in this story is how acting as though you're fine and trying to control your emotions don't work, I don't think we can make the argument Siffrin was really in control.

He only wanted to trap everyone in the timeloop when it already had destroyed his mind. I thought it was obvious it was a monkey's paws situation.

The last time loop was the breaking point of Siffrin and it's one of the things he does suffer consequences from, they do get mad at him and he does apologize. What else do you want him to do ?

The Bad Touch achievement is the only thing that could be said to be "unforgivable" but it's optional and as far as I know it's hinted that Siffrin would talk about it with Isabeau. In fact it's said that even though right now they're fine and okay, they literally say they are okay to be mad at Siffrin later.

And also, it's not taking into acount the Actual feelings of his family either. They can't remember the loops and they have their own reason to not still be mad with him, so why should they hold Siffrin accountable for feelings they don't have.

In fact, the storyline strikes the perfect balance to not have Siffrin do such horrible action that he'd actually be unforgivable but still have him do enough that it shows what the loops are doing to him but....

..it's not just logically, judging Siffrin's actions as bad/good things like that is not just what's wrong with the narrative that Siffrin should've suffered more consequences. It also goes against the narrative itself.

For me at least, ISAT is a game about mental illness but also recovery. It's not coincidental a lot of people project their own mental issues onto Siffrin, it's not just a "ahahaha they're so relatable !!", it's a genuine part of the story.

I could make an entire essay about it but that's not the point, what would a story about these themes be if the ending was just "you need to repent for the things you did during your own mental breakdown"

It may seem ridiculous after all this that they'd just forgive Siffrin after all of this, but really hasn't most of the points against Siffrin's morality been coming from Siffrin themselves.

Siffrin believed he deserved to be rejected, that he deserved the suffer, that he was disgusting. It was these belief that kept him from talking about the loop because for him, everything was his fault. Not just because he created the loop but because the desire of staying with them was the very sin he hated himself for since the beginning.

So for all that self hatred to be met with, strange acceptance. It almost seems ridiculous, and Siffrin's talk with Odile in the epilogue reinforces how almost comedic it is.

It's close to reality, isn't it ? How many times have you thought you did something completely unforgivable to someone you cared about and you were waiting for them to be furious at you, but that moment never came.

Because they just simply weren't hurt enough by what happened. And sure it was definitely a bad thing you did and they were maybe mad in the moment, but you apologized. Sure there could be more consequences for what you did but what's the point in asking for them to be more mad at you ?

Shouldn't you strive to be better than beg to be hurt for your actions ?

Do you think being hurt, being yelled at would make anything better other than just feed the voice in your head what it wants to hear ?

Weird flowery talk aside, it just doesn't fit the themes and the narrative of the story is what I'm saying. Asking for more punishement for Siffrin goes against what the story is about.

It's just like complaining that the looping mechanics are too frustrating, that's part of the package deal bb !!

Fuck the idea of "repenting by suffering through the consequences" !!! Having to deal with "blinding unrelenting forgiveness and kindness" is in !!!!

[zukosdualdao]

(forgive the somewhat poor quality screenshots, especially on that third one. wifi is still out at my place post-storm so i took these from youtube and am writing from my phone. alas, alack.)

this is one of my favorite blink-and-you’ll-miss-it facial expression moments in atla. the animators 100% did not have to include this reaction shot of katara, sokka, and suki watching zuko rise back up on one of the war blimps and face off with azula, but i’m really glad they did. i also love the differences in their reactions.

suki’s is the most straightforward to me. she and sokka share similar posture, both of them leaning forward slightly and bracing an arm against appa’s saddle to support themselves. but suki looks almost disdainful, with her eyes narrowed and brow heavily quirked and sort of defiant. i think she’s a lot more focused on the azula of it all, since azula captured her and just last episode she was saying how “this is a rematch [she’s] been waiting for.”

sokka shares suki’s posture but katara’s wide eyes here. his mouth isn’t agape, but it is parted, suggesting in this context some amount of surprise or worry. though they’re all waiting to see what happens, there’s more of an air of… excitement isn’t the right word, because i do think he’s concerned, but anticipation, maybe, of the fight that’s about to come. he fought azula with zuko last ep, after all, and though i do think he’s worried for zuko here, i also get the sense that he has a lot of belief in zuko’s ability to fight her off at this point.

katara’s definitely registering the most shock, with her wide eyes, mouth open in surprise, and raised eyebrows. the most notable thing about this, of course, is that she was only minutes ago deriding zuko for pushing her out of the way of falling rocks, and now her expression actually suggests a lot of concern for him, which is reinforced by her pulling him onto appa’s saddle once he and azula fall. i keep wondering what exactly she’s so shocked about, though. at first i thought it was because they saw him fall and were surprised along with azula to see him alive and still ready to fight—but they were getting everyone onto appa and trying to figure out how to flee, so i’m not sure they would have seen. aang did seem very concerned when zuko told them to go on without him, so it’s possible they weren’t really expecting him to survive in general, even without seeing him fall. (which, fair. facing off against his set-on-murdering him sister alone does not seem conducive to zuko surviving.) but i also wonder if it has something to do with seeing zuko fight azula on their behalf considering the contrast it makes to his siding with azula in tcod. there, he chose azula’s side and katara felt betrayed, which is why she hasn’t been able to forgive him even as he proves he’s on their side. but here, he’s risking his own life to protect them, and while he’s done that before with combustion man, i think this is the first time katara is able to consciously acknowledge to herself that it’s not really about trust anymore. (but later, that only makes her angrier, because she’s still hurt, even though she knows he’s on their side, because she connected with him and wanted to trust him all the way back in tcod.)

[nightwings-robin]

Some of y'all act like Tim hated Jason when Tim was Robin and Jason was still dead but I disagree.

Not a lot of people do this but I've seen it enough times that it's gotten to bother me a little bit.

Let's take a look at some early Tim opinions on Jason.

Detective Comics (1937) #618

"Just a boy like me... One day I'll be as good as Jason."

This issue came out in 1990, so it's rather soon after Jason died and Tim was introduced (which happened in 1988 and 1989 respectfully). This is what Tim thinks about Jason very early on. This doesn't read as even remotely like hatred to me.

But wait, there's more!

The very next issue shows Tim having sympathy for Jason.

Detective Comics (1937) #619

Tim is noting the similarities between Dick, Jason, and himself. This issue is in the same arc when Tim's parents get kidnapped and his mom is killed. He has sympathy for Dick AND Jason, who both lost their parents. Tim is faced with the same pain and it shows his compassion for Jason.

Now this isn't to say that Tim was unaware of some of Jason's problems and maybe did blame him for his own death a bit, as shown with this panel:

Batman (1940) #455

Tim knew that Jason had times of anger and says he won't let that happen to himself. I don't think Tim is being quite fair here in claiming that he won't let his anger get the better of him like Jason's did, but Tim is hardly the only character to think this way about Jason and, again, this doesn't read as hatred to me. If anything, to me this reads as a character with preconceived notions about how another person died and not wanting to make the same preconceived mistakes as that person.

Is he being a bit harsh and 'holier-than-thou' here? Yes. Do I think this is hatred or some other malicious view of Jason? No.

There is also that time Tim hallucinated Dick and Jason, and they gave a sort of "pep-talk" to him about being Robin.

Batman (1940) #456

These are Tim's own thoughts manifesting through Dick and Jason. I do dislike that he imagines Jason blaming himself for his own death but think about why Tim would think this about Jason. Tim never met Jason. Wasn't there when he died. He only knows what he read and what he was told about Jason from other people. People like Bruce, Dick, and Alfred. And while those three loved and cared for Jason, they also unfortunately reinforced the belief that Jason was responsible for the Joker murdering him. It's not great but it does stand to reason that Tim would think this about Jason.

But it's not all bad stuff. Tim imagines Jason cheering him on alongside Dick:

Batman (1940) #456

Tim imagines not just Dick but also Jason telling him he can do it. That he can figure it out and be a good Robin. I feel like if Tim really did hate Jason, he wouldn't imagine Jason rooting for him.

Tim goes on to imagine Dick and Jason later helping him out with a fight:

Batman (1940) #457

Again, Tim imagines both Dick AND Jason encouraging him during a battle. He imagines that they both want him to succeed as a hero. Why would Tim want Jason's approval if he dislikes Jason? Because he doesn't dislike Jason. Tim respects him enough as Robin to think that he wants Jason's encouragement.

and then at the end when he officially becomes Robin:

Batman (1940) #457

"Dick made it a symbol... Jason gave his life for it. Failing them... what they fought so hard to build... worries me."

Tim sees being Robin as not just carrying on Dick's legacy, but also Jason's. He wants to live up to Jason just as much as he wants to live up to Dick. He wants to be a Robin that both of them can be proud of.

Like none of this says to me that Tim hated Jason. Did he look up to and idolize Jason the way he did with Dick? No, but that also doesn't mean that Tim hated him.

I get the feeling that Tim viewed Jason's death as a tragedy but since they never met, he didn't have any personal feelings about him, only wanting to live up to the Robin name that Jason left behind.

Now I DO think that Tim did eventually end up hating Jason after Jason came back and tried to kill Tim and others multiple times but this post is specifically referring to the time before Jason returned from the grave.

And I guess I should make it clear that I've not read every single comic issue of Tim Drake ever so maybe there are moments that refute my claim that I just don't know about. I'm simply going off of issues that I have read and I've only read Tim's very early days as Robin.

Feel free to disagree and add on if you want.

[lissa612]

That party scene was painfully awkward.

(Not anything to do with the BT-ness of it all…They were adorable. And then they were an audience to Eddie being blown off by his kid and his mother being oblivious to his pain)

I get where Christopher is coming from tho. It was established in the scene that they’ve done calls before and that the “uh huh” was the most reaction that he’s gotten. In three months. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result - Is Eddie doing anything else to help Christopher believe that whatever it was in him that caused him to take actions that broke his son’s heart is being worked on? I know it was just episode one but an offhand mention of therapy would make me feel more sympathetic towards Eddie.

From what we’ve seen, Eddie is just waiting for Christopher to get over it. He’s making a point to keep communication open so his kid knows he’s there (which is good), but what about doing something to reassure Chris that something like this will never happen again? Or at the very least that he’s making an effort to minimize the chances?

And I’m not talking about bringing a doppelgänger of his dead wife into his child’s home. That’s the nuke but there was an underlying issue there already. Chris has already expressed that he has trauma from women leaving his life…I know reading his mom’s letter got him to display her picture again and to maybe not play fast and loose with teenage girls’ hearts, but after all that, he gets close to another of his dad’s girlfriends only for her to be gone by his dad’s actions. When he expressed his belief that relationships with girls didn’t matter because they just leave anyway, his experience with women leaving was his mother (leaving and later dying) and Ana leaving when his dad ended the relationship. He now has another reinforcement of that belief.

Let’s not sugarcoat it because we love adorable little Christopher - This could be a hint of some latent misogyny about fickleness in women…The kid plays a lot of online games and that environment is known for radicalizing young men, especially those who are vulnerable. Or it could be that he feels there’s something in HIM that prevents the women in his life from wanting to stay (because kids often have major main character syndrome). Or maybe he does see that his father has issues with relationships and assumes he will go on to perpetuate the same behavior that was modeled to him.

Is Eddie addressing this? Is CHRISTOPHER getting the chance to address this down in El Paso or are they just pretending everything is sunshine and roses down there? Because this isn’t just a “time to cool off” situation…Yeah, that will help cooler heads prevail, but there are things to figure out and discuss - Plans on how to move forward in a way that works for them both that need to be made.

And again, this is only episode one so maybe there is just information we haven’t been given yet. Maybe this is happening. I hope it is and not just because I’m a big proponent of “Everyone can benefit from some therapy” but because I genuinely think a truly neutral party (or parties) with professional experience in grief, family dynamics, and conflict resolution will do everyone more good than just waiting for things to get better on their own.

I want to see a really good storyline come from this conflict. I think there is a lot to work with - The potential is there for major growth for Eddie as a character and for solidifying the bond between father and son as PEOPLE instead of a biological imperative. We saw Eddie and his father confront their issues head on (with Eddie bringing in some understanding that a father has to be more than a provider and that he himself fell into that trap with his marriage) and come out at least a little better for it. And Christopher and Eddie are already starting from a better position.

[wilted-astraea]

Happy OCD Awareness Week!!

Second Week of October ( October 13th-20th, 2024 )

I don't see enough posts on this website about this awareness week, so I just wanted to come on here and talk a bit about the condition, the reality of having OCD, debunking myths, explaining how OCD functions in the brain, etc..

Firstly, let's get through the basics!

What is OCD?

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a chronic, long-lasting mental health disorder that is primarily made up of two major components — obsessions and compulsions. People with this condition experience repetitive, unwanted, and often horrifying intrusive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive or ritualistic behaviors known as compulsions. Compulsions are performed in order to alleviate the anxiety and distress that are brought up by obsessions and serve as a way to neutralize or get rid of them.

Intrusive thoughts (obsessions) don't always come in the form of a random 'what if' thought. They can show up as urges, mental images, commands, ideas, and even physical sensations.

Compulsions are typically depicted as physical acts such as hand washing and cleaning or organizing. Did you know OCD compulsions can also be mental? Some people with OCD, such as myself, experience what is known as Pure-O. This is a subtype where the person has mental compulsions that are invisible and can't be observed by others. Examples of mental compulsions are counting, mental reviewing, compulsive praying, and more!

Understanding OCD starts with understanding the cycle!

What are Intrusive Thoughts, and Where Do They Come From?

If you've been on the internet a lot, you may have come across the term "intrusive thoughts." Unfortunately, like many other mental health terms, it has been widely misused on platforms such as Tiktok and revised to mean something that it does not — often getting confused for impulsive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are defined as unwanted, involuntary thoughts, images, or ideas that pop up in the mind and are often taboo and/or terrifying. One important thing to note is that they are "ego-dystonic," meaning that they are opposite to a person's true character, beliefs, and desires. This is what makes them so distressing and confusing for folks with OCD and other disorders.

But where do they come from exactly? Some researchers believe that intrusive thoughts are misinterpreted warning signals from the brain. Our brain projects these thoughts and images to warn us about potential dangers so that we can avoid these hypothetical situations and be prepared. (ex: standing on the side of a tall bridge and getting a random thought of jumping off) Similarly to why we experience feelings of anxiety. However, if you live with OCD or other conditions such as PTSD, this system is in overdrive and no longer functions properly.

The Reality of OCD

OCD is one of the most misunderstood and trivialized mental health conditions in the world. Many cultures have a very idealistic view of the disorder, often reducing it down to a personality quirk and has even been seen as a "beneficial" disorder to have. This could not be further from the truth and the reality of living with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is much more grim and scary. Living with this condition looks like so many things for so many people, so lets play a game!

(DISCLAIMER: If this is triggering for you, don't participate!!!) Imagine your worst fears. Think about how horrified you would be if those fears came true. If they have come true, remember how you felt in that moment.

Now imagine living with a brain that involuntarily forces you to think about those fears and gives you the false signal that they might come true if you don't do something to prevent it. Imagine doing something to prevent that fear from happening, but all it did is reinforce those fears even stronger, and now you're trapped thinking about them for what feels like an eternity.

THIS IS OCD!

A person living with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder will spend at least an hour or more performing compulsions in response to these obsessions. Onlookers might see us performing a compulsion and not understand why we're doing them. What you see on the outside is VERY different from what's going on in the inside. WE DO NOT ENJOY OUR COMPULSIONS, OR OUR OBSESSIONS!!!

Although obsessions don't always have to be centered around fear. Obsessions present in an infinite number of ways and look very different for each individual.

Common OCD Subtypes:

Contamination OCD, Harm OCD, Pedophilia OCD, Relationship OCD, Sexual Orientation OCD, Religious (Scrupulosity) OCD, Magical Thinking OCD, Suicidal OCD, and much more!

These obsessions can latch onto any part of you or your life. They can attack your fears, values, morals, identity/self-concept, relationships, and even trauma.

The Role of DOUBT

Did you know OCD has a nickname? It's known as the "doubting disorder." This is because doubt is a hallmark symptom of OCD and plays a huge role in the way OCD presents. When you have this disorder, you're unable to trust your own reality and you lack confidence in your attention, memory and perceptions. While most people can have an intrusive thought and brush it off, a person with OCD will experience a cognitive distortion where we apply meaning to these thoughts. "What does this thought mean?" "What does it say about me?" "What does it say about the future?" which forms an obsession and causes intense feelings of anxiety, distress and dread. We are unable to handle the uncertainty of these thoughts and what it says about reality. Therefore, we perform compulsions.

If you ask a person with OCD what it's like. You'll often hear it depicted as an evil entity hijacking our brains, having two brains, or being in an abusive relationship with your own brain.

In my experience, it really is similar to being in an abusive relationship with your brain. OCD comes into your life and gives you a false sense of security. It wants you to believe that it's there to keep you safe. But OCD is like a leech. It gets fuel off of your compulsions and uses that fuel to strike you with more obsessions while simultaneously gaslighting you and making you believe that you're crazy for having these thoughts. It convinces you that you need to keep performing compulsions because "it keeps you safe" when, in reality, compulsions reinforce our cycle. Compulsions may help you temporarily. But, what actually happens is that you're teaching your brain that the obsession was, in fact, a real threat and performing that compulsion actually protected you. This makes you more likely to perform that compulsion again when the obsession resurfaces because your brain is tricked into thinking it's a safe mechanism.

When we re-experience our obsessions, they may even multiply overtime. I'm going to give a personal example!!

In 2022, I experienced a severe Relationship OCD episode where I was plagued with fears of a person abandoning me. The initial obsession was "im afraid of this person leaving me" and after performing a compulsion, it then went from that thought to "what if I hurt him and he abandons me?" and then to "what if he finds somebody better and replaces me, which means he'll abandon me!!!!!" So every new intrusive thought can be traced back to the initial obsession — the fear of abandonment. Every compulsion performed keeps you more and more stuck.

Debunking Myths and Misconceptions

Myth #1: OCD is about being overly clean and organized.

While obsessions with cleanliness and symmetry do exist, this stereotype oversimplifies these behaviors and fails to recognize the deeper issues that cause these ritualistic actions. The act of cleaning things excessively or rearranging items is often dumbed down to a preference, when the reality is that the person is trying to reduce their anxiety stemming from unsettling obsessions.

Myth #2: OCD is just a personality quirk

This often coincides with the first one. A personality quirk is something that is taken lightly, but this is a mental ILLNESS. We cannot simply control these obsessions and compulsions, even though a majority of us are aware of the irrational and excessive nature of them. We do not enjoy them and they cause impairment, affecting multiple areas of our lives.

Although the exact cause of OCD is unknown, it's thought to be a combination of factors such as genetics, brain structure, and environmental factors such as chronic stress or traumatic life events.

Myth #3: Everyone is "A little OCD"

OCD is often used as an adjective to describe certain traits or behaviors such as being clean and organized. This language is highly dismissive of those living with the actual condition and paints an inaccurate picture of the disorder, more palatable for the general public to "relate to"

YOU DO NOT HAVE OCD JUST FOR HAVING A PREFERENCE FOR CLEANLINESS. IF YOU LIKE IT, IT'S NOT OCD!!!!!

OCD is a more complex condition than the general public makes it look. Reminder that the OCD brain is physically structured differently. It is a neurobiological disorder.

Myth #4: OCD is rare

According to the International OCD Foundation, 1 in 40 adults have it, or will develop it. 1 in 100 children and teens have the condition, which is about the same number of autistic youth worldwide. This may only account for those with an official diagnosis. Many go undiagnosed for years due to harmful misconceptions and stigma.

Myth #5: OCD isn't treatable

OCD isn't curable, but it can be treated with a combination of medication and therapy. ERP therapy is the golden standard treatment for OCD, but some may benefit from other forms of therapy. Antidepressants, or SSRIs, are also used.

Myth #6: Compulsions can only be physical

As discussed before, there is a subtype called "Pure-O OCD" or "Pure OCD" this name can be misleading because it implies that there are only obsessions, but people with this subtype experience mental compulsions. This type of OCD is harder to detect and people often don't realize they're performing mental compulsions because they feel more "automatic" and are seen as normal to the person performing the compulsions.

There are more misconceptions, but I'll leave it there!!!

Let's Talk Stigma!

While the stereotypes applied to OCD often leave the condition to be trivialized and not taken as seriously as other mental health conditions, it can be just as demonized.

In recent years, we've seen a surge of people opening up about their OCD-related intrusive thoughts/obsessions, only to be met with scrutiny from others who don't understand what intrusive thoughts are.

Intrusive thoughts are wrongfully understood as "hidden desires" that a person is trying to suppress. This idea perpetually paints a person struggling with intrusive thoughts as a "dangerous" person who needs to be avoided and locked away. Thought crimes do not exist, but our thoughts are often viewed as criminal if they are not socially acceptable. This can inadvertently worsen a person's OCD symptoms and cause more unnecessary reactions to thoughts that aren't based in reality. For example, highly stigmatized subtypes such as Pedophilia OCD involve intrusive thoughts about children that the sufferer does NOT align with. If they did, they wouldn't feel the need to perform compulsions. They wouldn't experience such intense anxiety and distress as a result. The real them doesn't want to hurt children. The real them may value the children in their lives (like a family member) but living with OCD means that it can ATTACK YOUR VALUES. OCD IS A GASLIGHTER!

This leads me into the ever exhausting topic of *sigh* Tiktok trends! If you've been around, you've probably seen the phrase "I let the intrusive thoughts win"

This trend is very damaging for OCD sufferers and has inadvertently added to the stigma and misconceptions around the disorder. Not only is the term 'intrusive thought' being widely misused across the internet to mean something that it doesn't, but the phrase itself is an oxymoron.

Users who participate in this trend often confuse an intrusive thought with an impulsive thought. They'll come across a thought such as "I should dye my hair pink" and get on social media with pink hair, claiming that they "let the intrusive thought win" when they actually acted on an impulse, an IMPULSIVE thought. This is harmful for those living with intrusive thoughts because it incites the idea that people dealing with an intrusive thought may act on those thoughts. So whenever a person comes on social media and decides to open up about their OCD-related intrusive thoughts, they're met with backlash from people who claim that those aren't intrusive thoughts, when they in fact ARE. People have conflated these two types of thoughts, leading to further misunderstandings of intrusive thoughts and OCD as a whole.

Additionally, this phrase doesn't make sense. It's an oxymoron, meaning that it directly contradicts itself.

Little PSA to those reading:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LETTING AN INTRUSIVE THOUGHT WIN. IF IT "WINS" IT WAS NEVER AN INTRUSIVE THOUGHT, IT WAS AN IMPULSE!!!

A person living with intrusive thoughts are the least likely to act on them, the opposite of an impulse. We are terrified of them. We do not entertain them.

Closing Off

If this post resonates with you and you're suspecting that you or somebody you love might be dealing with OCD, please try and book an appointment with a mental health professional who can diagnose you. I will link some resources below to help you get started!!

Living with OCD can look different for everybody, as it is a very individualistic disorder, but it can be extremely debilitating. The World Health Organization (WHO) has ranked OCD among one of the top 10 most disabling conditions worldwide, of any kind. Yet, OCD still remains one of the most misunderstood and trivialized mental illnesses. It's a much more complex disorder than people realize and can be easily confused with other conditions. I do support research-based self diagnosis, but if you're going to, please keep in mind that OCD is more than experiencing an intrusive thought. There is a diagnostic criteria that must be met.

OCD isn't cute, funny, or quirky. It's not a benefit to those who have it. It should be taken just as seriously as other mental disorders, but unfortunately, it's not. Statistics show that people living with OCD are 10x more likely to die by suicide and more struggle with ideation due to the velocity of obsessions. Many people with OCD report feeling incredibly lonely, as obsessions and compulsions take up many hours of their day and cause them to stay stuck in their heads, unable to connect to the world around them. So if you or somebody you love is struggling with OCD, just know that there is help out there for you. You're never alone, and remember: YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS!!

List of Resources Here!

[flownwrong]

dS rewatch shenanigans

So me and @mannequin3thereckoning rewatched 2.04 Bird in the Hand, 3.02 Eclipse and 4.03 The Ladies' Man (or 4.05, depending on the region; I like this ordering of the episodes better, it makes the season more equally paced to me). Somehow we picked a nice equal distribution between seasons 2-4 (sorry s1, I just did not have that much free time!)

It was fun to compare the impressions between us, a person who's fresh off a rewatch and one who didn't touch dS for some years :) Unlike my rigorous friend, I don't have it in me to do a separate post for each episode. It's all pretty chaotic, but here goes:

Bird in the Hand

It was funny to notice how much easier it is to judge the pacing of an episode while also chatting about it in real time compared to a regular watch. This one is pretty much perfect!

It's a great showcase for the side of Fraser that sometimes gets lost between screen and fic, or screen and meta—his lowkey permanent annoyance with his circumstances ("I'm not sulky. I don't sulk," he said. You know, like a liar!) and his masterfully contained intense anger. It's so funny how annoyed he gets with Turnbull! Finally, someone at the consulate who gets more shit than he does haha.

Also another great example of Ray consistently ready to both stir up shit and take shit for Fraser in a highly stressful situation where Fraser's hands are tied. “He’d shoot him for you if you asked"—even Dad knows <3 Linking this wonderful art to express my endless appreciation for how well-oiled Ray and Fraser's banter is. No one does put upon like Ray Vecchio. No one.

And, I mean, the emotional centerpiece of the episode is BRILLIANT. The tone balances on the usual dS edge between wacky and weighty juuust right for juuuuust long enough via Ghost Dad, and then it cannonballs right into heartbreaking because of the Ghost Dad in the span of two lines, sustains it for one of the most effective conversations in all of dS and eases out of it by—you guessed it—Ghost Dad diffusing the tension with continuous murderous overtures.

And I think Fraser's ✨Plan✨ in this one is a rare example of his speechifying that actually bares his underbelly as opposed to only expressing his beliefs illustrated by his experiences. He's very self-aware: he says to his father, "I'm no better", I, too, can't ask for help, I, too, can't express my love and my hurts—and then he goes and does exactly that—and then he immediately follows it by turning the tables on everyone and going "ah, but I stunned you all with my emotional openness on purpose so I could get the upper hand in the stand-off"—but it works both ways, and it's clearly also him using the excuse to actually be vulnerable for a second. Man, Fraser is a thing to behold in this episode.

But you can actually see how far he's come since the pilot, and how his partnership with Ray affected him—it's cool that this happens only two episodes after Ray bullies him into admitting his dissatisfaction with his circumstances. And here he's expressing grief, not the anger, not the desire for revenge, but grief, out loud, to everyone. "You broke my heart." Jesus.

10/10 episode, highly recommended.

Eclipse

This episode is like a favourite well-worn hoodie to me. Apart from the iconic "Do you find me attractive?" exchange it offers so many joys.

It's funny (The "now it's broken and it's working" exchange and "Mom, how you've changed—into cuban cigars" are both beautiful moments).

There's Fraser's "I'm acquainted with loss and, on occasion, loneliness" line which is I think a great thing to learn about him early in the season both if you tuned into the show without seeing s1-2 and if you're Ray Kowalski.

There's the great Ray intro, doubly so because we already had the intro, and were even given a lot of the info there that Eclipse reinforces (like Ray's compulsive need to express his vulnerabilities in hope of protecting himself from being judged too harshly, but also his competence—even if my man should really keep those glasses on—and his ability to think on his feet and his obsessive tendencies and his soft romantic underbelly and I could go on, we learn so. much. stuff. by the point we hear Fraser's exposition on Ray's professional record we're not even surprised).

I love that Fraser is immediately comfortable with his new position of being the more emotionally stable one in the duo, haha—while Ray Vecchio had his insecurities and great moments of learning to trust himself with Fraser's help, Fraser is clearly both fascinated by Ray Kowalski's openness and ready to offer his shoulder to lean on, with an added bonus of being in less danger of being perceived while near this dude who constantly makes himself available for perception.

Random little notes: I really love how Ray says his own name with so much disappointment when introducing himself: "I'm... *frustrated sigh* Kowalski." I love how he tentatively asks Fraser to repeat "friend" after his declaration of friendship. I love that he's a dork who throws the dreamcatcher like a frisbee. I love the b-plot letting us hang out with the station gang a little and see them stand up for each other. I love the insane angle on Ray's face while he's being interrogated (see: my eyelashes gifset). I love the birthday party. I love the crypt as a setting, and I love everyone in that impromptu holding cell.

And, in the words of my wiser friend, "ray finding out his imposter syndrome was caused by a guy who doesn’t even remember him is so very ray". I take my hat off to everyone involved in making this episode.

The Ladies' Man, which I'm very glad my friend suggested, bc otherwise I probably would've forced her to watch it anyway, and I'm not a fan of such cruelty.

Let's get some things out of the way:

Ray looks incredibly good in this episode. It's a crime to look this good AND suffer prettily on top of that. The fact that the camera that was already pretty obsessed with CKR these two seasons gets, like, terminally stuck on him here does Not hurt matters.

I have some Questions for the episode, and I'll get to them, but it's my top one dS episode on a pure viewing pleasure level because it pushes my buttons.

Can't say much about the cold open because it's pretty much perfect, tight and tense and we get the Homoerotic Calling Off Your Rabid Dog Partner When He's Losing It Before He Kills Someone, which is a timeless classic (complete with the obvious and iconic Look at me! Look! At! Me!), and Ray and Fraser are perfect characters to act it out. CKR is on fire, no notes.

One moment I somehow forgot from my many previous rewatches that really struck me during this one is Fraser's almost casual admission of imagining murdering his father's murderers—thinking again about Bird in the Hand up there. It's a great reminder late in the show, where we see this aspect of him less often, and it's cool that he can safely share it in the face of Ray's rawness, you know, as opposed to it being a great and painful admission when he's the vulnerable one.

A brief interlude to shake my fists at the sky and wail Why, o Paul Gross, did you have to add the singing—it's not just that the joke didn't age well, it didn't even land at the time, and I don't think it would in any episode, but especially here???— and the bark tea flirting—which is par for the course as far as dS goes and could be cute but it feels totally disconnected from the rest of the scene, let alone the episode, so, again, ???? It's not that I wanted a mournful monotony of an episode with no laughs—I would pick a different show then—but like, I think better jokes could've been made. Like later in the episode, where during a climactic scene they drop the "actually, all that exposition makes me feel a little thirsty" line, it works.

Back to the point: Dixie Seatle is fucking amazing??? Her and CKR work so well together that all the noise of failed gags and nonsensical continuity of Ray's cover and whatnot is super easy to wave away because they're the emotional core of the episode, and they deliver. They have such a fragile thing going on, with him being exhausted from all the guilt and her also being exhausted from his guilt on top of the, you know, the whole death penalty thing.

Which, speaking of, UM, that's one of Thee Darkest Premises in the whole show and encountering it for the first time was a trip, during a season I was not a fan of and considered dropping. And yes many rewatches later I'm still confused but grateful about it all. The world in this episode is brutal in the way it rarely is in the show; integrity and redemption and whatnot are big motives in dS, and the big point is usually that the world, imperfect and unfair as it is, can respond to kindness with kindness and this is worth upholding. It is Not So here; scenes like the whole precinct cheering away at the prospect of Beth's impending execution are just—wow, okay.

So, as far as dS goes, this is a super solipsistic episode. It's perfectly self-contained, and even though it could have, I don't know, implications for Ray the way some of Fraser's Bad Shit did for Fraser, it just isn't addressed in the end. And I don't think it should be. It's a character study, and whoever decided they needed a very heavy one for Ray is my hero. (Note: I think this is the reason I never read a coda for this episode that I enjoyed. Having your blorbo break down in tears right in front of his boyfriend right before the credits with no follow-up kind of begs for a coda, but—newp. It works so well because it cuts off with no big resolutions.)

And whoever wrote those two closing scenes deserves a medal; to have this much restraint is an achievement for late season dS. CKR and Dixie Seatle also deserve a medal each for creating something this excruciating with super precise line deliveries and body language.

Small things my mind always catches on:

Welsh and his pink duster, looking out for Ray

CKR's rolling over the car stunt (steam comes out of my ears)

tiny flashback Ray checking his hair in the mirror at the crime scene because of course he does

Ray casually fiddling with Fraser's hat as they walk around

Sam Franklin's whole deal. I mean, there's tension there. For god's sake he pats Ray's cheek like a proud mentor he played the whole time when Ray takes his gun during his arrest. I mean. Uh. Yeah.

the fact that truepenny quit her meta right before this episode is a human tragedy

Probably like 40% of what you've read above have been brought up or articulated by @mannequin3thereckoning, so thank her for all the fun. I hope we can do this again some time <3

[demigod-jack-hearth]

This is to address a situation where I had carelessly modified my Circe blog @the-goddess-circe to fit my alternate universe. This caused many people to get hurt and I am addressing it.

When I created the Circe Blog on August 8, it was with the intention for Jack to get possessed by Circe, a character I was interested in because as a character Circe is really complex and fascinating, I am not excusing her actions OR morals. She had not much canon lore to work with and I was excited at the opportunity to be able to experiment and work with Circe.

During one of Jack’s possession scenes ( https://www.tumblr.com/demigod-jack-hearth/758229800393523200/open-starter )

I thought it was a good idea to make a complete alternate universe for Circe, which is how I modified her intro to the alternate universe that Odysseus has raped Circe and sexually assaulted her. I did not think of the consequences of my actions and how I was not handling this situation OR topic with the care or respect it deserved.

This is the role play thread that started this alternate universe- https://www.tumblr.com/camp-sky-heaven-on-earth/758618332716056576/i-know-it-hasnt-been-long-since-i-asked-you-to?source=share

I did not consider how this was dehumanising and triggering the trauma other others and this was not my intention in the slightest.

For this overlook and negligence on my part,

I’m am wholeheartedly sorry to everyone, those affected by my actions and my audience who have seen it.

I realise now that I have people that watch me, people that reads the things I put out and they are very real. Their feelings are real. Their experiences are real and their stories and trauma are real. This is a grave mistake on my part, and I now understand that what I say and do have an effect on others.

I did not take the correct amount of time to think this through and do my proper research on the canon lore.

This section is to address my first anon message back on August 13 about my Circe au:

Link to the post-https://www.tumblr.com/demigod-jack-hearth/758706460356149249/its-kind-of-disheartening-to-see-you-re-writing?source=share and https://www.tumblr.com/demigod-jack-hearth/758707116707119104/if-you-realise-it-was-a-mistake-it-might-be-a?source=share

When I first received this anon message, I dismissed it as something I didn’t need to worry too much about and because of my WRONG mindset that I do not share as of now, I made a very throw away and poorly worded response.

I spoke to some people I am now not in contact with and they had encouraged me to not think too much about it and reinforced my belief that I had free reign to make alternate universes without discretion. I was also unhappy with a separate issue that caused me to have a lot of pent up anger and frustration, this does not excuse the way I replied the anon.

These conversations with people who enabled my wrong view on the situation sparked me to make my response hurtful, bitter and unnecessary.

I regret making that comment and I am sorry to the anonymous message who got hurt by my remarks.

I understand that Odysseus and Circe are very important characters whose stories should not be modified so carelessly.

Now onto the important part: What I will do to amend this situation.

I am not asking for anyone to forget or forgive this situation, but I hope to at least make some amends.

First off I will be deleting Circe’s Blog and will not be reworking it until I can get an acceptable version in the works.

Second of all this is a repetition but I apologise to everyone affected and reached by this situation. I am willing to make personal apologies at your request.

Finally, this will not happen again. I have grown and understood the situation to the best of my ability and will do everything in my power (running it past people before I post things and checking the facts) to make sure this does NOT happen again.

I'm going to tag everyone because I don't know who has been affected by my actions

@ja50nt0ddwa5h3r3 @unhinged-waterlilly @zariahthewitch @thegroovydaughterofhestia @beauty-queen-official @that-girl-cupid @ariathemortal @emdabitchass @if-chaos-was-a-boy @the-gods-strange-children @silena-daughterofaphrodite @love-lightning-forethought @fabulousdaughterofhecate @weakest-son-of-sun @chaos-pers0nified @neoptolemus-achilles-son @kaiaalwayswins @bast-the-best26 @goddess-of-bubblegum @hispanic-daughter-of-hermes @gaygirldoodles @luck-is-crucial @pink-koi-lovejoy @smileyalater @the-bosses-of-you @the-goddess-aphrod1te @cloak-of-ares @heraaaaaaaa @unproblematic-hestia @theycallmejeezycreezy @queenofthedeep @giant-prophetic-snake @reyna4ever @vicious-daughter-of-zeus @itsyourboyezra @the-smart-and-the-dumb-one @feral-hermes-child @oopsies-i-did-a-thing @creature-under-ur-bed @unfortunate-daughter-of-hestia

Thanks to my friend who helped me so much with editing this and helping me make it sense

[bonzos-number-1-fan]

TMAGP 25 Thoughts: Tech Support

The fabled mukbang episode is upon us. This is probably the most TMA an episode has been too. Jonny wrote it so that's not a major surprise but it really does feel like the most seamless to slot into TMA of all the episodes so far. It was a great one too. Who doesn't love dinner and a show? No notes.

Spoilers for episode 25 below the cut.

Alice and Sam's interaction is interesting to me for entirely how uninteresting it is. I'm not sure if it's just me but I feel like there has been this run of episodes recently that are sort of coasting in terms of plot progression. That's not a bad thing but it does feel like we're in a bit of a trough between big things right now. Not that this episode doesn't have at least some progression in it. It's just not now, and not next.

The incident was a lot of fun IMO. Really evocative, a great format, a nice solid contained story where no one horrifically dies. Hard to complain about anything that happened here. Just some great Magnus-flavoured horror. Similarly to the last couple I don't know that this is going to have much bearing on later episodes. It doesn't feel like there is much in here we haven't seen before. Obviously the specifics are different but I couldn't point to anything metaphysically unique in this one. It is, of course, the most hunger related one of these we've had in a while. So the Hunger-not-Fear theorist are eating well I'm sure. I don't really buy that. Or, at least, I don't think it's actually all that different than TMA. I think the strongest name we have for them right now is Dread thanks to the capital D Dread from the transcript of Hard Reset. Although it's entirely possible there is more than one category of entity here. If we didn't have German to go off of I'd also say it would be a good theory for what DPHW might mean. Each letter representing an entity, or type of entity, and the influence they have upon any given incident. That's all unrelated to the incident, of course, but I did feel like I should talk about something here.

Poor poor Colin. Cursed by the plot to get institutionalised for being right. Well, for the hammer stuff but that's nearly like being right. What's probably the most tragic part about this is that the team is primed to believe him now. Had he laid out what he knows sans hammer he'd probably have won them over but paranoia is a cruel mistress indeed.

Lena caring more about rules than people is unfortunately attractive. It's incredibly funny to me that the OIAR offices are in such a disarray that the terminals are apparently right next to server racks. I'm going to be interested to see where this goes. Sam standing up to Lena and flatly declaring that things are fucked up in the office should have some sort of payoff but I do sort of worry it might not get mentioned. The compartmentalisation of the OIAR is clearly falling to bits but she didn't seem super worried in this exchange about that. Hopefully we'll get to see more of that in the future.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Incident/CAT#R#DPHW Master Sheet and Terminology Sheet

DPHW Theory: 2474 is about where I was expecting it to land. Not a whole lot to add there.

CAT# Theory: At CAT2 this is another one of those that reinforces my belief that if CAT is Person/Place/Object then CAT is a terrible way to grade anything. Obviously the restaurant is a place but there was also clearly someone in the place working with it in some way. That's entirely ignored by putting it in CAT2 and so is discarding information of merit for no real reason. If a team responds to this you'd expect them to want to know that there is a killer cook in the building too.

R# Theory: B seems a little high to me but I also can't really think of a good reason why it shouldn't be B.

Header talk: Food (Gorging) -/- Compulsion (Disgust) is pretty descriptive, so not much to say on that one.

[aihoshiino]

After reading the latest chapter, I found it intriguing that right after the panel where Ayumi says that "Back then, Ai was 8 or 9", the next panel has her state that "Ai had grown up to be a woman", despite her being still just a child. No one would call someone that age a grown woman. It's seems like she didn't view her daughter as a child at all (and neither did her creep of a boyfriend) and only saw her as some sort of love rival who's an adult like her even when she wasn't. Ai's mom clearly wasn't fit to be a mother at all since a good mother would've broke up with her boyfriend instead. And even in the way she speaks of herself in this chapter, it's as if she wants Aqua (and the readers) to feel sympathetic. Ayumi truly is an awfully selfish woman and unfortunately she had to be Ai's mother.

anon i literally woke up this morning cooking ayumi meta on exactly this topic in my head and then logged on to see this ask....... you and i shall have a spring wedding

That said, you're right on the money. What I loved so much about the writing of this scene is how intensely real Ayumi feels as a toxic mother. I feel like a lot of people were kind of expecting her to be this over the top cackling Mother Gothel type but like I said in my ch 131 initial writeup, the unfortunate reality is that this is how a lot of abusers look. Like normal ass, regular, pathetic people.

In particular, I really love how deep of an understanding we get of Ayumi's messed up, contradictory headspace just over the course of the four pages we spend with her. She recognizes that she did something terrible and hates herself, but she has surrendered to this sort of self-enforced helplessness with regard to her own issues and fucked up behaviours. She knows that she needs to improve but is self-defeating about her ability to do so and the whole thing turns into a self fulfilling prophecy where she refuses to put in the work because she believes she can't change to begin with but BECAUSE she doesn't put in the work, nothing changes, which reinforces her belief that she can't fix anything so she doesn't try and... you see how the snake starts eating its own tail?

At the same time, though, this surrendering to helplessness is a safety net for her as much as it is a mental trap. By framing her behaviour as something she is powerless to resist or to stop, she essentially frees herself of agency in Ai's abuse and neglect. Being violent towards her daughter is not something she frames as an active choice, but as something she would "wind up" doing, as if by accident or compelled by forces completely out of her control. Not only that, but it allows her to rewrite the narrative for herself with regards to her abandonment of Ai – since she is so helpless to stop her abuse of Ai, the daughter she loves so much, she just had no choice but to stay away. But she was totally going to go pick her up someday, definitely! Never fucking mind that Ai was left there for so long that she aged out of the system before Ayumi ever came back.

It's once Aqua challenges this assertion, though, that the cracks start to form. Though even before that, an attentive reader will obviously have some red flags up – after all, if Ayumi loves her daughter as much as she says she did, then why does Ai describe herself as a person who has never been loved by anyone? At age twelve, no less? That is not even REMOTELY close to a thought a well adjusted and cared for kid should be able to express, let alone sincerely think.

There's always been a theme in Oshi no Ko of Ai being pulled in all directions, in trying to be everything that everybody asked her to be, succeeding and being punished for it anyway. In my CH131 thoughts, I coined the phrase 'adultification' to describe the way adult agency and expectations are enforced on children who are too young as a method of abuse, a direct inverse of the way infantilization happens to adults. Part of the impossible expectations enforced on Ai were having these twin opposing forces of adultification and infantalization inflicted on her in a truly maddening way.

Specific to adultification, though, we over and over see other characters inflict adult agency and sexuality on Ai way before the point that any reasonable person would rationally think to do so. When describing her falling in love, Kaburagi says that her face, which had been that of a child, "turned into a woman's" at a time that we know she can only have been fifteen at the oldest.

45510 seconds this, with the narrator describing how this adultification is inflicted on many young girls in the industry;

"At the time, younger age groups were all the rage, but girls in their formative years could undergo rapid changes as they matured. Once they outgrew that youthful phase, they were evaluated the same way as "ordinary" women."

... only to turn around and do the same thing to Ai:

"Right from the beginning, she exuded a maturity beyond her years, and in the end, she retained a fresh-faced, youthful allure."

With all that in mind, it's not at all a shock that this echoes all the way back in time to the starting point of Ayumi's abuse of Ai. It's reprehensible, but it's also unfortunately deeply real – it is heartbreakingly common for victims of CSA to be blamed for their abuse, as if being victimized by adults is something they have any agency in.

In this instance too, Ayumi distances herself from her own agency and culpability in Ai's abuse. Look at how she frames things and the issues that she centers; it isn't her own insecurity, toxicity and violence that ruined things. It was Ai's beauty. Ai growing into a woman. That she can say such a thing without blinking betrays so clearly that for all she insists she loved her daughter, Ai was never really a child to her. And the moment she realized Ai was attracting the attention of a man, Ayumi didn't see her as a child being victimized but as a woman posing a threat, a romantic and sexual rival who needed to be beaten back into line and shown her place. Even her anger at Ai's stepfather is so, so telling – the framing makes it clear that her anger is not that of a woman raging against someone who posed a threat to their child, but as a woman resenting a man who was unfaithful to her.

For all that she cries and self flagellates, Ayumi basically lays it all out in her own words without even meaning to. She doesn't take responsibility for her own actions, nor does she even really frame them as being central to the chain of abuse that destroyed not just her family but robbed Ai of her life. Even through her tears, she pushes Ai to the forefront while framing her abuse as a thing that just "ended up" happening, that she was powerless to stop. When talking to Aqua about how she can't make amends, the word she uses in the Japanese text is actually 贖罪 – Atonement, the same character used as the chapter's title.

But the thing about atonement is that you can't atone for a sin you don't take responsibility for. And Ayumi makes it heartbreakingly clear that for all her regrets and her pain, she has not come close to taking responsibility for the harm she inflicted on her daughter. And even if she did? It's too late. Ai is gone.

It's just as Akane says. There's nothing here anymore.

[flightfoot]

I wrote and deleted this several times and then decided that no, I actually want to comment on this and I think it's worth doing so.

NNo representation of a marginalized group is going to be perfect and even the apparent stereotypes came from somewhere and are representing someone, the problem is when the writers (and the audience) are unable to see the nuances when the writing is nuanced or bring them in the way they bring them to cis heterosexual male characters when they are also flat.

Marinette was never going to be a good representation and it's always a little awkward when people talk about her dual heritage because it applies to any child of a mixed couple.

I'm not going to completely kick the hornet's nest that is the belief that if you have a POC parent the traits of that parent must be the most prominent and how that relates to an inherent racism on both sides that white people think you shouldn't be "fooled" by passing as white And on the POC side, you are often denied access or resented for not experiencing the same kind of marginalization and mistreatment. But that is something that underlies every discussion on this topic.

Marinette's design was criticized for being too white and more consumable for a Western audience (whitewashing). I imagine that with the design change the creators heard that criticism and that's why they changed it a little. The thing is, that criticism always shut up anyone who said "it's entirely possible that Marinette looks like that, a lot of people with the same kind of heritage as her do." I had to read how one of them was harassed and called racist (there is always something bitter when it happens to someone from the same group they are supposedly "defending").

So I can understand and sympathize with other anon because in moving towards purer representations of POC with characters that are mixed there is a certain erasure that happens. And that's always reinforced when the show refuses to dig deeper and deal with the implications they themselves set.

It was a nearly unanimous opinion that while Sabine's episode showed racism and bullying, having her and Marinette be the ones to apologize and bow their heads left a bitter taste. Many were furious because Adrien talks and knows more about a culture that belongs to Marinette and the only interest she showed was for her love interest, not for herself.And that's without getting into the subtextual implications that while they expected Marinette to take an interest on her own, her parents didn't teach her (even if Sabine retained some things) because it was more convenient for Marinette to have and use a white pass.

All this to say that Marinette's phenotypic representation was never going to be perfect. There was always going to be someone unhappy and erased by the design decisions. I don't think her design is stereotypical or racist, however, ironically, those elements are present in the episodes that seek to talk about Marinette's Chinese heritage or racism.

Anonymous asked:

Hi, anon who disliked Marinette’s new design here. I wasn’t clear in my original ask, sorry. The Asian features aren’t the problem—it’s the change. Mixed race characters do not become better representation by looking less white. It’s definitely a complicated issue, but someone like me, who doesn’t read as Chinese, isn’t any less mixed or less of a poc than someone who does. Equating how nonwhite someone looks to how well they represent their nonwhite culture is not how it goes.

Marinette could definitely be better representation for a mixed Chinese-French kid. But that would come through her environment and personal identity. The wok on the stove and rice cooker on the counter are part of her mixed heritage, for example. If they wanted to better represent Marinette’s unique cultural background, they should have had her learn more about it and become more comfortable with it, like I did at her age. I am confident calling myself Chinese now, but not because I became more identifiable as Chinese—rather I identified the experiences I had in common with other Chinese third-generation immigrant kids. Marinette could eat more Chinese food, learn her Chinese name, incorporate her culture into her clothing in the way a fifteen year old would. She could talk about how she feels about being mixed, and how the different influences affect her. She could have random Chinese trinkets hanging around her room that she got as gifts. She could celebrate Chinese New Year or Moon Festival. That’s a lot of examples, but my point is I would vastly prefer to see Marinette explore her culture as a form of representation rather than appear closer to the Chinese beauty standard most clockable to white people.

Thank you for being so gracious. I see how my original ask may have come off as rude, and I really don’t mean to be. Might have been a bit too blunt in this one too, I don’t know, haha.

Ack, anon who didn’t like Marinette’s new design back again. I really should have specified that I don’t have anything against designs of Marinette that make her look more Chinese (in fact I like them a lot) it’s specifically the implication that she can’t be good representation for the ethnicity she is if she doesn’t look Chinese. I should have also explained that the thin, upward angled eyes given to Fei, Kagami, and now Marinette are not actually accurate to East Asian eyes—I may be wrong, because I’ve only studied the features of the many East Asian people I’ve met, but I’m pretty sure that it’s much more common for East Asian eyes to not be angled or almond shaped. The slitted eye style came from fearful racist caricatures made by white people who saw monolids and didn’t understand them, then that interpretation became the pop culture standard. At least I think that’s it. Sorry, I should have added this to the last ask 😅 I’ll stop spamming you now

---

Thanks for the nuanced explanation of your stance! I would like it if Marinette showed more interest in her Chinese heritage (outside of using it as a tool to spend time with Adrien), and that would be a good angle to explore, I agree on that. I like her design change, since with the way she just has a hint of a monolid, it can cause the viewer to feel like she might have some Asian heritage without being sure, and then finding out that she's half Chinese and half French makes that make sense.

[sophieinwonderland]

Wishing for anti-endos to loose all their friends and spaces and to be ostracized does not help pro-endos. It makes anti-endos even more set in their beliefs. It makes people who are on the fence go "yikes, I guess the anti-endos are right". I'm firmly pro-endo and your recent post makes me want to take some distance. This isn't how we gain allies.

I know, these people suck. I know, it hurts to constantly be excluded and hated for the way our brains work or the reason why they work that way. I know, many anti-endos are too far gone and aren't people that you or I can reason with unless they decide to unpack their shitty beliefs.

But posts threatening them is not the way to go. They already see us as the enemy. We don't need to add fuel to the fire. Let's make sure people who are on the fence or who don't know much about non-traumagenic systems see us acting in ways that make them want to listen to our side instead of the fakeclaimers. Let's make sure anti-endos who are starting to rethink their beliefs feel like it's safe for them to do so and to start listening to pro-endos.

I'm sure this post is gonna get lots of interaction. But if it makes people less likely to read your studies, to listen to your arguments, to hear out the systems messaging you about their experiences? That's all for nothing.

I... actually think adding fuel to a fire can be useful sometimes. As long as you can keep it a controlled burn.

I'm counting on most anti-endos on Tumblr who would be scrolling through the syscourse tag already having me blocked. They won't see my post.

I'm counting on neutrals probably not following my blog or the syscourse tag either one. And most of those that do follow syscourse have already made their minds up about me.

I made that post for a very specific audience. One that doesn't actually need anyone to fuel its fire because they've built an entire community on seeking out systems to mock and attack. They already cherry pick the worst posts they can find to keep their friend group indoctrinated. So adding one more to the pile shouldn't matter to that specific group.

I don't think anything I say is actually going to make them hate the endogenic community more than they already do because they're surrounded constantly by people who will always reinforce that very generalized hate.

But I do think I can direct that hate they already have. Focus it as much as possible on one specific person. Me.

And the more they see me as a threat, (whether or not I am,) the more hateful they respond to me, the more their community will crack.

Users will be more likely to break their rules, making moderation in their subreddit more difficult for the unpaid mod team who will hopefully start rethinking how much of their life they want to dedicate to a hatesub moderating an angry userbase with nothing to show for it.

And while a slim hope, I'm waiting for them to be pushed far enough for Reddit to ban the whole subreddit.

So yeah. I don’t mind tossing as much fuel on the fire as possible if there's a chance their ableist hatesub burns.

Besides... I'm not actually saying anything untrue.

Plurality IS going to become more accepted. They ARE losing the scientific argument. And anti-endos and cringizens WILL lose friends and community support as plural acceptance spreads unless they're willing to change. A safe space for endogenic systems can never be one that houses anti-endos.

This is not a threat. This is a promise. It's a natural result of progress. And I'll do my part to accelerate this. But it's going to happen with or without my involvement.

I'm just making sure that when it does and they go looking for someone to blame because things have gone bad in their lives and their bigotry caught up with them, they'll direct their anger toward me instead of anyone else.

(Although maybe they can direct it inwards too since, you know, it was their fault for being bigots. But I think that would be too much to ask for.)

[dearweirdme]

Hi Rain,

I personally dont think that the Atomix date was a big thing, but we can ignore what tkk made out of it.

There's the whole they booked a close restaurant just so they could spend some time together/rich bf energy/they posted because they wanted us to know about it/OT7 are toxic because they make everything about the group/JK saying that "there's always a way" was signaling towards this....

So yeah, there's a lot of tkkrs narratives that were reinforced by this sole fact. It's certainly not the final proof that they are not a thing, but it does have an impact on the narrative.

I think that tkkrs are now trying to downplay the whole thing but a lot of "most special tkk moments" included the Atomix diner.

Hi anon!

I think for me, I don’t see Tkk fandom as a whole. I think there are many different opinions and narratives going around and we’re probably divided in several sub groups. So for me this absolutely does not have any impact on what I believe. But, I can imagine that for some it does.

Specific events (like we thought Atomix was) are easier to grasp than body language and talk about levels of intimacy and familiarity. It’s something tangible, and for people who find the other stuff too subjective to base their whole beliefs on having something objective is nice. It reinforces what they suspect.

I personally don’t need that as much and think the familiarity and intimacy is way more stronger proof. Do I like when something tangible happens that sort of settles my beliefs.. absolutely! And a certain level of events is maybe necessary as well. Had we not seen Jk and Tae together last year at all that would probably have had an impact on my opinion of them being together. But right now we are talking about just one thing being slightly different from what we thought it was. So what if the details are wrong. It is still singling each other out. And we have so much Tkkry left.. believe me.. we can take a few hits.

[dr-futbol-blog]

The Defiant One, Pt. 9

In Miller's Crossing (S04E09), John Sheppard talks a man into killing himself. He does this for Rodney (but also for himself, because he simply can't stand the thought of losing him; it is both a thoroughly selfless act and an utterly selfish one). He sacrifices the life of a man who did some terrible things for a pure motive -- in an attempt to save someone that he loved, his dying daughter.

Sheppard can't admit it, most of all to himself. So he tells Rodney: "I presented a situation. He volunteered."

A similar thing happens here, although it is never McKay's intention for it to happen. He -- his actions, his words, his growing agitation -- presents Brendan Gaul with a situation, and he volunteers. Sheppard and McKay both put the gun into his hand, and he turns it in on himself. He is in pain, to be sure. Believes that he is dead anyway, and becoming more and more a burden. He feels his life-force draining away by the moment. But still. Here, Rodney McKay talked a man into killing himself. For Sheppard.

It's not what he says, it's the way he speaks about him: "What I really wanna do is call him on the radio, but I'm afraid if he's hiding from the Wraith, I might inadvertently give away his position, and let's face it, what chance do we have against the Wraith if Sheppard can't take him out? I was hoping to be strong enough, then I..."

The thing is, while Brendan was in pain and dying, his decision seems to have been motivated not just by the desire to let his old friend McKay off the hook, but for McKay to get his happily ever after. Just before, they have this exchange:

McKay: It's been too long. I think the Major could be in trouble -- and if he's in trouble, we're in trouble. Gaul: Then go. McKay: You figure you can move? Gaul: Not a chance. I'm not going anywhere. McKay: OK. That's OK. Gaul: Go. Rodney, just go! Save the day.

Save the day, get the girl.

This echoes Sheppard's sentiments in the previous episode: save the city, save Weir and McKay, take the rest of the day off.

In the final season, we see many instances of this: people willing to sacrifice their own happiness, even their own lives, for the chance that someone they love might be able to have a modicum of happiness. I'll get to the many mirrors to the main story later but obviously the biggest example of this is Sheppard himself, willing to sacrifice everything (and by everything I mean unfathomable things) just to give Rodney a chance at something that he thinks might make him happy. Rodney getting his happily ever after is more important to him than his own life.

And here, Brendan makes that choice. He doesn't think he's going to survive anyway, so he might as well help Rodney save the day and get his guy. There is not a doubt in my mind that Brendan hadn't realized by this time that McKay's agitation over Sheppard's well-being went well beyond the regular. Listening in on them, he might well even have come to the conclusion that Sheppard returned those feelings. They are so obvious that literally everyone else can see what they can't, even when it's right before their eyes.

The events of the Genii siege had reminded Sheppard that his love will get people close to him killed, and hence it is better not to let anyone get close. Brendan seems to have thought of himself as a roadblock, something that kept McKay from getting to where he wanted to be but taking such drastic measures, he actually made himself into an obstacle -- ensured that his death would be looming between these two for a good while.

McKay doesn't think that his love is poison. He thinks that his love is worthless. Here, Brendan's actions reinforce that belief; he sacrificed a lot to stay back with his friend, to take care of him, but in the end, it wasn't enough. His compassion and devotion weren't worth staying alive for. No matter how much he does for other people, he can never do enough. No matter how much he accomplishes, he can never accomplish enough to earn love (because he thinks that it is something that is earned through good behaviour and the correct performance and flawless execution of tasks). It is through acts of service that he expresses his love and sincerely believes that if he could only do enough, one day he might be worth someone's love.

Doing things is also his way of avoiding his emotions, just as self-isolation is for Sheppard. He actually confesses this to Zelenka in This Mortal Coil (S04E10), "That's one of the perks of the job. Something terrible happens, you don't have enough time to dwell on it ‘cause you're too busy trying to stop the next terrible thing from happening. Seriously, if it wasn't for the Replicators and their plan to wipe out every human in the galaxy, I'd be in pretty bad shape right now."

Beyond some disturbing anecdotes, we don't really learn that much about McKay's childhood but I would bet dollars to doughnuts that this stems from losing his mother at a young age, possibly to slowly progressing disease (McKay's last words before the gun goes off here are "I was hoping I would be strong enough..."; it is easy to transfer the sentiment for a young boy's words to a dying mother). This kind of a traumatic event often causes estrangement in siblings and embitterment in the surviving parent. By the the next episode and definitely toward the end of the season we learn that he and his sister are estranged and can infer that by this time, both of their parents have passed. She is the only family he has left, and indeed it seems like most people chosen for the mission have minimal ties to earth.

Of course it is dramatic irony that McKay's feelings of unworthiness for love would increase at the same time that Sheppard is beginning to open up and let someone closer, to learn that he doesn't have to be alone, that he doesn't have to save the world alone when there are such heroes as Rodney McKay in it. Of course it has to be this way. Their journey is only just beginning, after all.

Outside, we find Sheppard talking to himself again. This is obviously for the benefit of the audience, as watching the strong silent type doing stealthy commando stuff can carry an episode only so far. But we can interpret it as Sheppard's need to communicate. He really wants to have that link to McKay, wants to at least hear his voice on the radio if he can't have him near. But it was he himself that told Rodney to stay off the radio, and he doesn't to open it back up again just to tell McKay that he's still here, still failing at the one task he needs to succeed which is to keep him safe. He doesn't want to contact McKay until he can approach him with the all-clear, come pick ya up.

He also doesn't know how badly McKay wants him to get in touch. How some of the final words he spoke to Brendan were "What I really want to do is contact him on the radio". Neither of them realizes how much the other needs them.

Ford and Teyla are finally able to contact Sheppard. He sounds so relieved to hear from them because back-up means not that they might defeat the wraith, not that he might be able to get to the jumper, but that he might be able to keep Rodney safe, because all of the other things were meant to accomplish that aim. But alas, his relief is short-lived:

Sheppard: Lieutenant, I like your timing! Get your ass down here. Ford: Sir, we're still two-zero minutes away at top speed. Sheppard: Well, in that case, your timing sucks! Get here as soon as you can.

Note that Sheppard is not performing military for the young soldier under his command, he's not using military parlance even though that is how Ford approaches him, and it would probably be the way Ford wishes Sheppard behaved toward him (because the hierarchy and code of conduct exist for a reason, after all). Sheppard just has such problems with authority that he can't put up the performance, especially when he's the one that is supposed to be the authority. This is relevant both to his sudden use of military parlance with Dr. Gaul earlier, and his responding McKay with "Negative" instead of "No".

Sheppard and the wraith are shooting at each other, and it seems like the Major might be done for. It's interesting how his last resort is an answer to the here unspoken question "What would McKay do?", which is something he also used to motivate himself in the previous episode in which he actually said the words out loud. Here, he just does the thing he thinks McKay would do in this situation -- which is to say, try to project invaluability, make it seem like the wraith needs to keep him alive to perform a task that cannot be accomplished without him. He shouts to the wraith: "You need me to get off this planet. I'm the only one that can fly that ship."

Again, this is a bold faced lie. Sheppard feeds lies to his enemies, this is what he does. He started by lying about the war, about being Lantean himself, all of it. Lying and subterfuge are weapons he uses against his enemies.

Note also that while he's doing the thing he thinks McKay would have done in this situation, he's protecting Rodney at the same time, as we began the whole episode with him teaching Rodney how to fly -- Sheppard, that is, is not the only one on the planet that can fly that ship but he would very much like the wraith to believe that he is. What he thinks might be his final act is keeping Rodney safe. He knows there's 20 minutes until reinforcements arrive and he's making sure that the wraith has no reason (having just fed upon him, which it very much wants to do) to go looking for McKay before that in the event that he is killed right here, right now. He might die, but McKay will live.

And then Rodney throws a wrench in that plan.

Continued in Pt. 10