#I really need to reschedule that therapy appointment

[hunterfan16]

I'm an artist and I can draw whatever I want

[lipglossanon]

Turbo Lover

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masseuse!Leon S. Kennedy x fem!reader (one shot)

for the anon request who asked for masseuse Leon; I hope you enjoy it and thanks for your patience! 💜

Warnings: 18+ minors DNI, oral (f receiving), dirty talk, fingering

not proofread ✍️

Title from Turbo Lover by Judas Priest

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“Sarah swears by this place, so relax and enjoy yourself!”

You sigh, drumming your fingers on your steering wheel. After parking in front of a fairly ritzy massage parlor, you’ve been talking to you friend on speaker phone for fifteen minutes as she convinces you to actually go inside.

“I don’t know…”

“Please, you need to go get a massage; work has been stressful like crazy for you so do it. I’m telling you as your bestie.”

You laugh, “Okay, okay. I’ll go in and see what they have to offer.”

“See? It can’t hurt in looking.”

“I know. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Text me!”

And with that the resounding beep signals you’re sitting alone with your thoughts in the car. Sighing, you grab your bag and get out of the car. The front’s pretty minimalistic which seemed on brand for massage therapy you thought. 

Walking inside, there’s the generic calming music playing over the speakers with potted plants dotted all around. It smells wonderful though, like some sort of airy floral scent that you just can’t place. You make your way to the front desk and smile at the lady behind the counter. 

“Hi,” she smiles at you, “my name’s Sandy, how may I help you today?”

“Hi, I uh don’t have an appointment or anything but I was wondering if you had any openings?”

“Let me check,” she turns her attention to the computer to the side and quickly types, “looks like I have an opening with Claire in ten minutes if that’s okay?”

“Sure.”

“Perfect!” she shines another smile your way, “just fill out this paper for me stating your consent and if you have any allergies we should know in regard to the oils and lotions we use. You can also ask for a chaperone at any time if you feel uncomfortable being alone.”

“Thanks,” you return her smile, a little more at ease. 

You quickly fill out the empty spaces and hand the paper back to Sandy. 

“Great, just please have a seat and Claire will lead you back shortly. Would you like a water or anything while you wait?”

“Oh uh no but thank you.”

“You’re most welcome.”

You sit down on the nearest chair and pull out your phone to kill the time. Bringing up the ebook you’ve been reading, you easily lose track of the time. 

“I’m so sorry, ma’am!”

Your attention is pulled up to a blue eyed, handsome man standing between the desk and you, looking sheepish and apologetic. 

“Pardon?”

“Claire was called away on a family emergency, so I’m her replacement. If you’d like you can reschedule to be with her.”

You feel like a fish out of water so you just shrug, “I mean I’m fine with it if that’s okay? If I need to, I can reschedule—“

“No that’s fine,” he smiles relieved, “I just know sometimes people get upset if they come for one of us specifically and don’t get them.”

“Oh,” you place your phone in your bag and stand, “well I’m fine honestly, this is my first time here actually.”

“Really?” the smile he gives you is nearly blinding, “I’ll make sure to make it a great experience.”

“The name’s Leon, by the way,” he turns and leads you down a hallway off to the side. 

You feel a little warm as Leon walks in front of you. Since you didn’t give it much thought, you really didn’t realize you could have such a hot guy giving you a massage. His biceps stretch his sleeves while his broad shoulders and back strain against the shirt fabric. Your eyes drag from his sandy hair down to his tight ass. Praying for good luck, you just hope you don’t embarrass yourself in front of him.

Leon pulls open a door near the end of the hall and gestures for you to enter.  He follows you inside and points out where you can sit your bag and shoes. 

“I can step out if you want to take off your shirt and pants then lay down face first on the table; but, if that’s uncomfortable for you, it’s 100% fine to stay fully dressed and we can get started.”

You glance over at the massage table and then around the pretty spacious room taking in the counter full of oils, lotions, heating stones, and towels. 

You turn back to Leon to find him watching you, his face soft and earnest. 

“I think I’ll get undressed.”

In for a penny, in for a pound.

“Okay,” he nods, “you can just set your clothes on the chair next to the table if you’d like. Then once you lay down you can pull that towel up and over your body.”

He steps out of the room and firmly closes the door. You pause for a moment and once you’re sure the door’s completely shut, you undress and lay your clothes off to the side. Climbing up onto the table, you lay flat like he suggested and lay the towel over you.

A few minutes pass and then Leon knocks on the door, cracking it open so he can ask, “Is it okay for me to come in?”

“You’re good.”

He steps in smiling brightly again. 

“Great, since you booked Claire, she usually does the 60 minute full body massage, is there anywhere you don’t want touched or injuries I should know about?”

You shake your head, “Nope.”

“Alright,” he steps out of your line of sight and you can hear him shuffling through items. 

“Just let me know if you get too hot, cold, thirsty, or just uncomfortable and I’ll do whatever I can to accommodate.”

“Thank you, Leon,” you murmur.

“Of course,” his voice is warm like his hands when they come down on your shoulders, slick with some scented oil that smells like coconut. 

He asks you simple questions as he works: what you do for work, favorite places to eat in the city, any fun hobbies in your downtime, etc. 

He pulls you into easy conversation and has lulled you into state of complete relaxation by the time he’s finished. 

He curses under his breath and you hum questioningly. 

He sounds a little embarrassed, “Well, I got carried away and lost track of time. But I swear you won’t get charged extra.”

“S’okay,” you laugh, feeling gooey and comfortable, “definitely worth it. Best I’ve felt in ages. I hope I didn’t cut into your other client’s time.”

“Oh no, I was headed home for the day when Claire asked me to cover.”

“If I would’ve known that I would’ve rescheduled,” your tone turns pouty, “Leon, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he chuckles, smoothing his palms down your back, “this was really enjoyable. Most people come in and completely ignore my attempts at conversation.”

“No way,” you’re affronted on his behalf.

His hands glide down your sides making you sigh, “Yep, just not interested I guess. But you were wonderful.”

You’re glowing from the inside at his words, always a sucker for praise. 

“No, you were wonderful,” you finally get out, “I was kinda nervous. But you got a repeat customer.”

He laughs delightedly, “What a bonus.”

You giggle and squirm as his fingers dig into your lower back, “Well I can get ready and take off.”

He digs his thumbs in right above your tailbone making your hips arch up as you moan. 

Feeling overwhelmingly embarrassed, you tug on the towel, “Oh god, I’m so sorry,  I didn’t mean to—“

Leon laughs, “Don’t apologize, it happens more than you think.”

“Oh,” the embarrassment still makes you feel like folding in on yourself, wishing you were anywhere but here. 

“Besides,” he presses you flat down onto the table again, hands quickly returning to where they were, “sounded pretty good to me.”

His thumbs repeat the action, digging into the tender spot of your lower back making you keen and rock up. 

“There we go,” he coos, “just relax, I got you.”

His hands drag down to your inner thighs, massaging the muscles. 

“Leon,” you whimper making him groan. 

“I got you honey,” his thumbs glide up from your inner thighs up to your panty covered pussy, stroking your slit through the damp material. 

“Think you need an extra special service for being so goddamn sweet,” he murmurs. 

He stops to grab the band of your panties, “Is this okay?”

“Uh huh,” you nod, brain already mush and he hasn’t really done much. 

He quickly pulls your panties off, tossing them over to your clothes. Pushing the towel up until it’s pooled on your lower back, he caresses your bare skin softly. He pushes your thighs open wider. 

“Fuck, pretty little pussy, need to lick her open, see if she’s as sweet as you.”

He pulls you down closer to the edge of the table, so he can get between your legs easier. He spreads open your cunt and spits on your hole. 

You keen at the feeling and he does it again. 

“Ready?”

“Please, Leon.”

Without any other preamble, Leon buries his face into your pussy with a groan. His tongue laps up the spit to thrust it into your drippy hole. He hums and drags his mouth over to your clit, suckling the sensitive bud until you’re squirming. 

He pulls away and twists your hips, “Fuck, baby, turn over for me.”

You quickly comply, spreading your thighs again but he folds your legs and pushes them up as he goes back down on you. 

“Oh god,” you wrap your arms around your thighs to hold yourself open for him. 

He shows his appreciation for that by sliding two fingers into your wet, fluttering walls searching for your g-spot. With a sharp whine, you rock down into his hand once he finds it. 

His eyes crinkle with a smile but it’s hard to tell when he’s tonguing up into your hole along with his fingers. He pulls away and spits on your clit making your hips jump up. 

“Fucking sex on legs, coming in here all sweet,” he growls as he goes back to sucking and kissing on your swollen clit, “like I haven’t been wanting to taste this hot cunt inches from my fucking hands.” 

“Fuck, Leon,” you mewl, eyes fluttering as he rubs against the spongy spot at the front of your pussy over and over and over. 

“Want you to cum all over my mouth,” he lashes his tongue against you clit before sliding it across your pussy lips, “get me soaked.”

He sucks your pussy lips into his mouth then moves to nipping at your thigh before drifting back to your sensitive clit. 

“Fattest fucking pussy,” he groans, sucking your hard bud into his mouth making you cry out, hands shakily letting go of your legs to tangle in his hair. 

“Oh ‘m so close, gonna cum,” you whimper, rocking down into him, holding his head against your pussy. 

He groans, eyes flicking up to yours as he fingers you harder and faster, mouth never letting up as he sucks and licks over your clit. 

“Oh, oh, oh, fuck,” your thighs tense and try to close around his shoulders as your back bows, pussy gushing slick as he lets you ride out your orgasm on his fingers and face. 

You know you must be pulling his hair too hard, but you can’t stop humping against his mouth as he extends your climax with his fingers on your g-spot. Slick is coating his face and jaw when he finally pulls away, your orgasm ebbing into pleasant aftershocks. 

You laugh feeling high on endorphins, “That was amazing.” 

“Oh,” you raise up on your elbows, “what about—“

You waves you off with a grin, “What do you think I was doing with my other hand?”

You bite your lip as he stands, spent cock bobbing as he cleans off with a nearby towel. A pulse of want blazes through you. 

“Next time, honey,” he laughs seeing your glazed expression and tucks himself away. 

“Think of this as an appetizer,” he winks, helping you up and redressing yourself. 

“I’ll definitely be back,” you laugh, kissing his cheek as he holds the door open for you. 

“I hope so.”

He gives you a short wave when you make it to the end of the hallway. There’s a new lady behind the desk, Carolyn, and she’s more than happy to book you in for Leon’s next available appointment. 

[newtonsheffield]

Is Kate good at looking after Anthony whilst he’s recovering and doing his physical therapy and adjusting to his new disability? I can’t imagine she’s had to care for someone else much in her life as a literal princess.

I agree, I don’t think Kate’s had the opportunity to be in much of a caregiver role at this point in her life. But I think she’d be very eager to look after Anthony. She’d be attending Anthony’s appointments with him, rescheduling her day to fit them in. She takes note of what they say, she kind of thrives looking after Anthony. Even though he hates it at first and he doesn’t even let her see the scars that are on his chest now and some days he struggles with the fact that Kate has to cut his food for him. He hates that and she knows it but Kate genuinely doesn’t mind. She’s happy to adjust the parts of her routine that Anthony needs

1) He did this for her

2) It means they’re starting to build a life together.

She’s making room in her life for another person and she likes the changes in her life. She likes massaging Anthony’s stiff neck and helping him wash his hair. She likes the fact that she has to shave him some times. She really doesn’t mind any of it. She gets a sense of satisfaction out of it.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: April 24, 2024 🎀

Wednesday started out so rough, I had a really bad stress breakdown from the pressure I was putting on myself for the exam I have today (Thursday), but luckily my dad was able to calm me down over the phone and my boyfriend motivated me and encouraged me. I don't feel as stressed out anymore, I know that I know the material and I'll do great! (it's a chemistry exam)

🩷 What I Accomplished:

studied chemistry for a good bit

completed 3 chemistry homework assignments

scheduled a make-up quiz for my psyc class

did the Total Body Pilates video from Blogilates

did the 11 minute Wake Up Yoga from Yoga with Adriene

did my morning skincare and journaling

actually, just did my entire morning routine and felt great about it

shipped off shorts I sold on depop

went to chemistry lecture to review for the exam

went to my virtual appointment with a registered dietitian and set some goals for the next 2 weeks

decided to join a step challenge with my health insurance company to win points (they have some cool things in their points shop, plus extra steps during the day is good for my health!)

washed my laundry

made a brain dump list for the remainder of the week

💞 Good Things That Happened:

I really like the dietitian I met with and have another appointment with her in 2 weeks

I really enjoyed using my new 40oz Simple Modern insulated tumbler cup

didn't let my stress breakdown make me go home, very proud of myself for sticking to my plans

went to sleep early

sold another item on depop!

I felt very reassured that I know the content that is going to be on my upcoming exam

the guy who makes sushi at my campus food court made sushi for me and held it until I went to get it so no one would buy it, i could've cried it was so nice of him

I drank coffee on campus and it didn't hurt my stomach for once!

💔 What Could've Gone Better:

need to put less pressure on myself

had some issues with food after my dietitian appointment (sometimes thinking too much about food can be triggering for me, tbh, but my goals are nutrient based which is helpful!!)

started crying before I went to bed because I was feeling oddly emotional (I think I'm starting my period soon)

had to turn down a work shift because I had too much school stuff and that appointment (I need the money so bad tho)

did not drink near enough water

need to be more patient and gentle with myself

also need to really figure out what's going on with my priorities, I keep struggling to do the things I say I'm going to do which is difficult for me to deal with sometimes

need to remember progress over perfection, 50% is always better then doing 0% of something

💗 Stuff For Thursday

clean my room

listen to a podcast episode

maybe do some more laundry

make a grocery list

clean my bathroom

therapy today over video call

reschedule a morning appointment

chemistry exam tonight

try to ship off the shirt I sold on depop

do some more planning and organizing for my life

that's all for now! Thursdays gonna be good. My exam is gonna go great! I have confidence in myself, and my knowledge and I know I've got this!

til next time lovelies 🩷

💕 Song of The Day: Baddie by IVE

Gotta remind myself of this sometimes <3

[nerdieforpedro]

Questions and Confessions

Chapter Two of A Safe Place for Us

Dieter Bravo x Aisha Smith (black plus size AFAB)

My entire masterlist and blog are for readers 18+ MDNI. I do not consent to my work being used in AI, recommended on TikTok, borrowed or plagiarized.

Summary: Aisha is firm on her plans on having a baby by way of a sperm donor. During a FaceTime call, Dieter is honest about what he really thinks.

Warnings: last time we're mentioning sperm donation I swear, pregnancy kink (I dunno where it came from and why it is still here, but yeah), mentions of cum, Dieter rumors

Word Count: about 1.7k

Notes: I dug in hard with the friends to lovers/idiots and love and there's one more trope we'll see next few chapters. 🤭 It starts next one.

Main Masterlist/ Dieter Bravo Masterlist/ AO3 Link

As an Oscar winner, one would think Dieter would know how to fake his way through most situations. 

“I need five shots of tequila to even entertain this conversation Aisha, especially with you calling me while I’m filming.”

“When else am I supposed to tell you? I didn’t want to tell you over FaceTime, but you’ve been avoiding me during this whole process. You said you would come with me. I’ve rescheduled twice already.”

An exasperated Bravo leans back in his rolling chair in front of the desk in his hotel room. He can’t keep avoiding it. He told Aisha he’d go with her, but has had press and such he’s been doing. Really they could have waited but in a very un-Dieter fashion, he jumped at the chance to do them. Much to his agent and manager’s surprise. That way he would have a legitimate reason for not going with his friend to a sperm bank. The more he thought about it, he can’t watch her thumb through binders of other men and pick one to be her baby’s daddy. Can he tell her that? Be honest? His therapist suggested he should be but he’s gotten no indications for Aisha over the years that she’s thought of him as anything other than a friend.

“I was doing some press stuff Ai. It’s not that I didn’t want to.” That was the entire reason, he’s lied again.

“I’m making another appointment and I’m going. I’m in my mid-thirties. I want a kid. And you just said you were filming.”

“Shouldn’t you have the kid with someone though? Like not even just for the making of, just as support for you and the baby?” Maybe he can talk her out of it, but she caught him in his lie.

“I haven’t found anyone good enough for that. That I would even want to be with long term, let alone have a child with. I’m not subjecting myself to shitty relationships anymore Dee. You know that.” He does know that, it’s why he knows in the last two years since that failed engagement, she’s dated but it’s been nothing substantial. Bravo’s proud of Aisha for that. Knowing her worth, but does that mean he wasn’t even a thought? A possibility?

“So am I not good enough? I wasn’t even considered? God I’d thought I’d been doing a hell of a lot better. Being sober and all. I could be a good father Aisha. Better then some asshole in a binder.” There was silence. Why wasn’t she still talking? Fuck…he said that aloud didn’t he? Welp, he can say he’s been honest now. He can’t look at her, she’s likely disgusted. Who thinks about putting a baby in their best friend and tells them like this?

“Dieter what do you mean?”

He says nothing. His hands are covering his face. It’s mortifying. So much more therapy. She got to hate him now.

“Dieter. Explain.” Aisha’s voice is stern. “Look at me please.”

He hangs his head as he places his hands on the desk. It feels cool, he’s not even wearing his robe and he’s burning up. Dieter feels like he’s on fire, he might be re-considering what he’s about to say, but he’s already gone this far. “I…could be your sperm donor.” He finally looks at her. She looks shocked, which is reasonable. Her arms are crossed, also reasonable. “I just don’t think you need to go through all these hoops and money when I’m right here Aisha. Ready and willing. I can give you a baby.”

She doesn’t say anything. Dieter’s scared that he’s lost her. Maybe she’ll tell him never to speak to her again. This was one relationship outside of his career he hadn’t fucked up. Now he had. He can’t come back from this.

“H-How would that work? What does it look like?” Is what he hears her ask. Timid. He hadn’t gotten that far. Now he has to improvise, is it still improv if he’s just honest? “I hadn’t thought of asking you Dee, you’ve never mentioned kids. You’re not less than. I just didn’t think you wanted anything to do with it.” Her assessment isn’t wrong. Dieter did not want anything to do with Aisha being pregnant by a sperm donor. Being pregnant by him? He wants everything to do with that. Too many dreams about rubbing her round belly and then picturing a small burrito wrapped baby on a bed between them. Him smiling because it’s better than all the blow, molly and Kit Kats. Though when able, he would have the kid start eating Kit Kats and he might even share.

“Well I wouldn’t want it to be artificial insemination. We would do it the natural way, though we’d keep track of when you’re ovulating. I could keep my schedule a bit more open or fly you out to me in case I just can’t leave. Then when you do get pregnant,” He left no room for ambiguity, his mission would be to get her pregnant. Dieter finds it best not to dwell on the getting her pregnant part. His eyes haven’t left her face and she hasn’t looked away. Maybe there is a small universe where this is okay. “We’d go to your appointments together and come up with a birth plan. You are going to need to be out of that studio apartment. I know you love it, but you and our kid are going to need more room. Maybe a townhouse or a single family home. I don’t know if you just want to have one or more Aisha. But I’ll be there through all of it. You shouldn’t be doing this alone.” Dieter pauses knowing this is a confession, but it’s gonna all spill out. “We’ll co-parent some smart goofy ass kids Aisha. Maybe they’ll even be into the arts like us. I want to give you that. You deserve the world, but I know you know that. Kit Kat.”

Aisha is crying. It had been difficult to reconcile that she’d be choosing single parenthood. But from incompatible guys she’s been meeting on apps and her traitorous fiance, it seemed like the only option. It’s not like she was blind to Dieter’s charms. They’re only friends, it’s what is best for him. When Dieter starts blurring lines, he gets into trouble. He’s healthy and she doesn’t want to take that from him. She could tell he hated the idea, but much like when she sat him down to watch Grantchester he suffered through it for her. But now he’s talking about an entire life together with her and it seems like he’s thought about it a great deal. Would she be able to just co-parent with him? And not have him to herself? She’s happy he’s willing but she can only accept him with other women now because he’s just her friend. Anything else and she wants him to have only her while he’s suppling the seed and support. He didn’t mention anything about love or a relationship romantically.

“Dieter I…It sounds wonderful but I can’t.”

“Why won’t you let me give it to you Aisha? I just said-“

She holds her hand up to the screen. “I can’t co-parent. I’d want you there. As much as I could have you. I’m selfish and using you like this would be so mean to you and to myself. I can’t. Thank you for offering it to me. Good night Dee.” Aisha says his name softly as she concludes the call. 

Turns out in all his honesty, Bravo forgot to lead with the most important part, the entire reason he painted such a picture of their lives wasn’t just because she wanted this. It’s because he loved her and wanted to share it with her. “I’m such a dumbass.” Lamenting, he calls his driver and offers him a grand to get him to her address. He needs to make it clear. Let her know why and also ask her if that’s what she meant by ‘I’d want you here. As much as I could have you.’

Aisha goes to take a shower and can’t sleep. It’s horrible. The life he mentioned sounds perfect. It’s what she would want, when she got out, she applied lotion to her sepia brown skin, curious when she rubbed her flabby belly what it would look like pregnant. “With Dieter’s kid…oh.” She felt it when he was describing their possible life, he didn’t take his eyes off her. The entire time she felt guilty for her arousal while he was talking, even before when he said he wanted to be her sperm donor. That alone went right to her clit. He’s her friend who’s trying to help her out with something she wants. Dieter’s always been generous with her. She shakes her head and puts on her nightgown and robe, normally she doesn’t wear underwear in the evening when home alone. She grabs some ice cream and plops down on the couch, turning on Dateline. It ends up just noise as her mind wanders back to less than an hour ago. 

Into part two of why this seemingly happy wife murdered her husband and ran away with his mistress, heavy knocks are at her door. “Aisha! Open up! We need to talk! Aisha!” Panicked, she rushes to the door and pulls him inside. Her neighbors like their quiet.

“Dieter you can’t just yell and bang like that?!” Aisha is now yelling and talks a moment to calm herself. “There’s nothing to talk about.” She retakes her place on the couch. Bravo sits next to her.

“There is and it’s the reason why I told you what our lives could be.” He turns off the TV and holds her hands. Aisha looks up at him, he’s making her arousal worse. “The only reason I would think this hard about having a child is because it’s you Aisha. I love you. I wouldn’t want to have a kid with anyone else. And I don’t want you having a baby with a man who isn’t me. I want to be the one to put a baby in you.”

Aisha stands, not letting go of his hands as she makes her way backwards to her bedroom. “Then we’re starting now, Dieter. You’re going to pump me full of cum. I’m ready, get those sweatpants off. I can tell you’re not wearing boxers.” If he’s willing then she’ll see if he can really have sex with her. Given the rumors about Dieter, Aisha has always been curious if they’re well founded or not. 

Now she’ll be able to find out herself if any of them are true.

Names in the binder:

@megamindsecretlair @soft-persephone @soft-girl-musings @rosecentaur1916 @westside-rot

@mysterious-moonstruck-musings @schnarfer @yorksgirl @guelyury @readingiskeepingmegoing

@survivingandenduring @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @gwendibleywrites @pascalsanctuary @yorksgirl

Chapter One. Chapter Three

[jehan-d-art]

cw // selfharm, stress, mental health issues

I know I shouldn't have done it but I hurt myself purposefully last week, aka I cut my arms again - which I talked about with my closest friends and family, despite feeling terrible about making them worry about me but I don't want any of them to find out by chance and for them to get angry at me for not telling them what happened.

This week, I went to work on Monday, then I needed a mental health break on Tuesday, I went to work again today because of a really important meeting that couldn’t get rescheduled. I will be going to work tomorrow because of yet another appointment/important deadline and finally I'll not be going to work again on Friday because I'll have a doctor's appointment and a therapy session on Friday during which I'll finally be mentioning that I had yet another relapse (in terms of hurting myself).

The thing is I already feel bad about my mental health being bad enough sometimes that I cannot even get to work on those days and that leads to me feeling bad for all kinds of other reasons, for example, for not being productive, for letting down my work team and colleagues who have to plan around my absence from work. I feel bad for not being able to just work through whatever is going on inside my own mind and thoughts and I also feel bad for being constantly under pressure to hide the true state of my mental health as well as my selfharm scars and cuts because I need this job and to be able to pay my bills and I'm scared of losing that security once I'd even hint at having been diagnosed with dysthymia.

I do not like how I feel constantly pressured by society itself to keep pretending I'm perfectly fine due to the stigmatization of mental health issues. Ironically, this, meaning pretending to be perfectly fine, is one of the main sources of stress in my current day-to-day life.

[aidenlyons]

After returning home, Jake and & Aiden fall into a routine. Jake is getting more mobile by the day it seems, with the help of crutches at first, and then knee braces.

A: Jake? Dinner's ready.

Aiden still takes care of most of the meals but he's always liked cooking.

J: You've made this for me before, haven't you?

A: Mhm. In high school. You were skeptical about something with no meat.

J: Hah! Yeah, I remember. I think it's even better now.

A: I've had some time to practice cooking a bit more.

A: Um, are you ok getting to your appointment alone tomorrow?

J: Yeah, I can manage, everything ok?

A: Yeah. I just have an appointment with my therapist, but I can reschedule if you need me.

J: I'll be fine. Is everything ok?

A: It's fine. I don't need to see her a lot anymore. It's just.. a lot is happening, and I just want to talk it over with her.

J: Ok.. you know you can talk to me, if you need to?

A: I know, Jake. I want to talk to you, too. It's not about that.

A: Having an outside perspective is just helpful. Keeps me from getting too far into my head, you know?

J: Yeah. I understand. But we'll talk, maybe after? We haven't really, about Chestnut Ridge and.. everything.

A: Yeah, if we're not too tired after our appointments.

After dinner, Aiden cleans up while Jake has a bath. Soaking in the hot water helps and he prefers to bathe himself.

Jake knows it's selfish, but he kind of misses the way Aiden would come to him when he was overwhelmed. He's proud of Aiden for doing what he needs to do though.

When they make it to bed, Jake wants to make sure Aiden understands.

J: I'm proud of you, you know. Of who you are now. I think I see why you wanted to break up, back then.

A: Jake... I probably could have done this all with you, but I think I.. panicked a little.

J: You? Panic? Never.

A: Ha ha. Thank you for understanding. And you know, given everything.. maybe you should talk to someone, too? You just lost a lot.

J: You might be right. We'll see. I love you, you know.

A: I know. I love you too. Always have.

Once a week, along with his own exercises at home, Jake has to go to the hospital for some physical therapy. Swimming first for something low resistance and then weights. It's exhausting, but he trusts his doctors.

At home, Jake also works on some upper body exercises which he can do sitting down and certainly keep him fit.

Aiden continues to work on his yoga since it's something he enjoys and it's... a bit distracting for Jake.

A: Don't even think about it. I can feel you staring.

Aiden spends a few hours a day painting as well. He has a few commissions but mostly lists everything on his site on Plopsy.

J: Is that one of my old jerseys?

A: I can neither confirm nor deny.

J: It has my name on it.

A: And?

J: You're just trying to tease me today, aren't you?

Jake isn't supposed to put too much strain on his knee or do anything too strenuous which has put a slight kink in their love life.

J: Come here.

A: What are you.. Jake!

Aiden laughs when he ends up in Jake's lap. It's certainly hard to turn down kisses from his boyfriend.

J: We can be careful, you know.

A: We tried that.

J: We can try again.

A: You think you can let me take control?

J: Mhm. Sure. It's hot when you get a little aggressive.

A: Not the same thing.

J: C'mon.. I'm not made of glass.

A: Ok. We can try, but you better behave yourself.

J: Promise.

This time it's Aiden that turns Jake's head toward him so he can kiss him. Jake isn't the only one who has been missing being intimate with his boyfriend.

The afternoon after their respective appointments though, they're too tired for much more than couch cuddles. Aiden proving his catlike nature as he curls up carefully on top of Jake.

J: Everything go ok?

A: Mmm. Just always tires me out, talking to Dr. Hackett.

A: What about you? How was PT?

J: Fine. Exhausting. It's hard to tell sometimes but the doctor says I'm healing fast.

A: Good. We gonna talk about Chestnut Ridge?

J: Mmm. I want to go see the house. Maybe once the weather breaks in Spring? Colby said he'd show me around...

A: Sounds good to me. Do you want me to go with you?

J: I.. would you be mad if I wanted to go alone, at first?

A: No. I understand. It's about you and your dad. Take some pictures and show me after. We can go out together later if you want.

J: Sounds perfect. Thank you.

A: I might have another art show around then. My old teacher said that place in San Myshuno wanted me back. Another local artist thing.

J: That's great! I'm so proud of you. I told you your art was great.

A: Yeah, yeah.

J: Lets just relax and watch some TV tonight, hm?

A: M'not heavy, am I?

Jake chuckles softly and shakes his head. Aiden sounds like he's halfway asleep already.

J: Not at all.

Sure enough, when Jake checks a minute later, Aiden is out.

J: Yeah. Lets rest for now.

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Had a hand therapy appointment today but I forgot to put the referral note in my bag and I just wanted to beat myself up so much.

Sometimes I'm like 'I don't have ADHD! My emotional reactions aren't that severe to really have RSD' and then the second I confirm I need my referral note for my appointment, I literally hit my head W my phone and imagine stabbing myself in the stomach repeatedly w forks. And it was so sudden and strong too.

I cried too but I know things are fine. Just rescheduled it for next week.

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

This is the second time our temp therapist cancelled on us.

For reference, the therapist we've been seeing was an intern who just graduated. December they did grad stuff & then had to reapply & do onboarding again. That means we had to see another intern in the meantime. We'll just use initials for privacy so let's call normal therapist K and temp therapist C.

C (she/her) is amazing at helping with depression, when she shows up. She has a lot of training on how depression is actually a trauma disorder and blew our mind when she changed our perspective on why depression does what it does. It's something one of our littles brought up in less sophisticated words. That's something for another post.

K (¿they/she? we're pretty sure & gonna ask when we get the chance) is amazing at helping us process trauma, and is extremely knowledgeable about ADHD and autism. They've been amazing at helping us realize when our disabilities are disabling us. They've also been very open to learning about D.I.D. to help us with it.

C was arranged to check in every week since mid December while K is unable to. The first check in was a phone call— totally fine, & they called us out 10mins in (“you laugh when you're uncomfortable or stressed. it's laugh or cry, ¿right?”). So we arranged an in person appointment (because the house we're in isn't safe so we prefer in person) & went to that one & it went well.

But the past 2 weeks C has called out sick, and we had to call and reschedule, but they're only available Wednesday & Thursday so we keep having to reschedule for Wed.

The problem with that is, we really really need therapy. Depression is at its worst in a while, and C-PTSD is back with a vengeance, and we're having relationship communication needs that we wanna run past a therapist, and...we just really need the fuckin appointments.

To be clear, I'm not angry at C for being sick. I'm upset because our therapy office *has other therapists*. They could assign someone else so we can get the help, and instead they called at 8am like ‘C is out of the office, call her office to reschedule’.

I decided to instead ask if K is back in the office & available. They were supposed to be available by early January. The front desk said they didn't know & sent me to the scheduling department, who didn't pick up. I left message to call me back.

Worst case scenario I have an appointment today to get medication (for ADHD & depression, hopefully) so I'll be physically in the office by 11am & can ask them then if K is back. But also. What the heck. :/

I was actually more worried it was the meds appointment being cancelled, which I had to schedule 2.5 months out. Therapy can be scheduled for the next week. But with the worry of not getting meds gone I'm still frustrated at the office for not being more considerate or helpful when I asked for other options.

I didn't get therapy just because; I really badly need it & not having an appointment every week is making me lose my mind. I have so much to unpack. It's not even that my routine is disrupted anymore. I just need someone professional to talk to before I explode, which was the point I got to before they assigned C (because 2 weeks without therapy does this to us; I'm overflowing and super not okay).

This is mostly just to get the swirling thoughts out of my system. I need to put it somewhere.

~Nico (he/they)

[regular-lord-reckoner]

hello !!

it is i, back to haunt this tumblr before spoopy season slips away, wooOOoooOOO

anyway, hi there, just thought i'd give a little update on me and what i've been up to.

i'm....ok ?? i guess ??

i feel more like myself, anyway, but still having a hard time most days, especially because i'm pretty sure i can feel myself sliding into burnout again but i'm doing my best !!

i still haven't been back to therapy yet, mostly because i'm trying to decide if i want to attempt to go to at least one more session if nothing else to clear up whatever remaining money i may owe her or if i should just move on. i feel a bit snubbed but at the same time i do still owe her for the work she's done so far and i don't think it's that much left anyway, but i've just kinda had to sit with that, "huh, okay then," feeling for a minute. i dunno, i guess we'll see.

if nothing else i think i'll probably find a new one at some point anyway because i feel like i'd kinda hit a wall with her and especially after her not reaching out to me to reschedule and only giving me the option of calling her to make an appointment (you literally work with all neurodivergent clients and you yourself also are, what are we doing here??) i'm not sure i really trust her anymore so oh well. that's part of it, i guess. you try some and they don't work out, but i do want to try again because i do think it helped so we'll see !

in the mean time, though, i've been keeping busy. lately mostly in preparation for a wedding that took place at my house this past weekend !!

it was for the daughter of someone my mom and i know from work and we've always loved them and their family so with how fucking expensive everything is these days we let them just use our place to get hitched and everything went off perfectly !!

and although i don't know them super duper well, i do think they're going to be a very good couple and their wedding was absolutely beautiful. we have this little clearing in the woods that as soon as you step into it it's almost like you're in another world and especially at this time of year it's really magical with the leaves changing and everything so for weeks leading up to this they've occasionally come out to clear things out and get it set up the way they wanted and it ended up being pretty simple, but still very beautiful.

i also got asked to be the person who fluffed out the bottom of her dress before she walked down the aisle and i also carried the train of her dress so i was actually the only person with her before the ceremony began and i hope i did a good job of calming her nerves beforehand. in any case, she did great, they both did great and it was one of the best weddings i think i've ever been to, so yay !! i hope they live happily ever after and all that !!

although admittedly i am glad the day has now passed so that i can work on some other projects around the house, namely my own shit.

i keep saying i'm gonna tackle my mess and donate some clothes and all that, but then i end up having to clean out the room the water heater's so a repair guy can come in or clean out the laundry room so a repair guy can come in or or or

there's also just me taking on more and more responsibilities now that it's just me and my mom, like yesterday for instance.

we decided instead of us trying to fool with putting the pool cover on ourselves we asked some guys from the place we buy some of our pool stuff from if they'd come out and do it and they said sure so that was all good and well but my mom decided she wanted us to have the water be tested beforehand to see if we need to add anything to it which....i feel like we haven't done in the past but i said i'd do it so i did (or tried to anyway)

wouldn't you fucking know it, the pool store we go to was closed !!! apparently they're closed every wednesday but i didn't realize that until i was at the gas station getting some gas and was going to pull the address up on my gps because i couldn't quite remember where it was so that was....fun

i thought i was going to be smart, though so i pulled up another pool place not too far from there that i remember us going to before so i thought surely i could just take my sample over to them and they'd be able to tell me what i need

well.............. evidently the benefit of going to the place we normally go to would have been that they already have all our information on file, including how many gallons it is, which....y'know, they kinda need to know in order to recommend any sort of treatment

and me being me and notoriously bad at guessing the size of things, i wasn't sure and didn't even want to try to guess because i knew i'd just sound like an idiot so i apologized and was ready to just take my water and leave but the guy was nice enough to still run it and said it looked fine, he just couldn't really recommend anything without knowing the size but that if i did figure it out to call and let them know, well, by that point i would have run out of time so i just thanked him and scurried out of there

and i know it's a silly thing to be upset about, especially with everything going on, but i think the thing that really got to me and made me cry on the way home was that this was a scenario where normally i could have just called my dad

my mom was busy at work and i didn't want to bother her, but like....my dad was retired, chances are he would have been at home, asleep in front of the TV with our dog in his lap. and truthfully, he probably would have just gone to the pool store and handled it so that i wouldn't have to clock out for a few hours which meant i had to work later yesterday just to get all my hours in

it's just been stuff like that, where over and over again i'm realizing, "oh, right....yeah" and i just....miss him. a lot.

especially now because in another turn of events, i uh....i guess my mom's dating now? kinda?

she said it wasn't anything serious and like....that's whatever, it's her life, she deserves to be happy, i just can't help but feel conflicted about the whole thing and have really been trying to sit with it for the past few days.

on the one hand i obviously just want her to be happy and i kind of knew on some level that this would probably happen, that she'd at least try it out and i can't say i blame her, she's pretty much only been in like...two serious relationships all her life, one of them being my dad so i get it. but on the other hand it's just kinda like....so, we're not gonna give therapy a shot? y'know that thing i've been more or less begging you to try for years now? we're just gonna.....hop into a relationship and that'll make it all better?

i dunno. i guess i'm just worried because she's not always the best judge of character and can be easily fooled by people, especially when they really put on the charm and i just don't want her (or me by extension) to end up in some fucked up situation because of some asshole

it's also kind of frustrating to me, too because one of her friends who's egging this on is in one of the most toxic garbage dumps of a relationship i've ever seen and it's just like....that's who you're going to listen to?? someone who, i love very much, but in no way has their shit together and is very much only in this relationship because of that and that's whose example you're gonna follow?? okay !!!

i dunno. i've talked with her about it and have mostly just encouraged her to please be careful, please don't jump into anything too fast and please especially if you're going to do this please, please, please consider also doing therapy. i really don't think any relationship should be a substitute for the work a person needs to do on themselves, no matter how nice it may seem to have another person ~~fix you, it's just.....not possible. trust me, i've been trying to do it for everyone i love my entire life and it's never once worked. maybe i'm just shitty at it or maybe, just maybe, it's just....not possible for another person to reach into someone's head and do that interpersonal work for them. i dunno, call me crazy, but it's just been a wall i've been slamming myself into over and over and over again, especially with her and this is still where it's at so like....you tell me !!

but yeah, that's just really thrown me through a loop lately and admittedly, selfishly, in my private time i've had a few breakdowns about it because on a personal level i'm just....not ready for that.

even if it never gets to that point where i have a ~stepdad or what the fuck ever, i just don't know if i'm ready to see her with someone besides my dad and i'm sure if she does meet someone good who's good to her and really makes her happy i'll suck it up and just cheer them on but like....fuck if it isn't going to kill me inside a little

i dunno, i guess we'll see what happens. i guess also selfishly i'm just dreading the worst because i also feel like all of my life i've watched person after person after person that i love get into a bad situation because of a relationship and i know it's just part of life and maybe if i'd be a little braver it would happen to me as well, but it just sucks and i really don't want her to get hurt because if she was struggling before i can only imagine how much worse it might get if she gets with the wrong person or if it just doesn't turn out well for whatever reason.

ultimately, though, it's pretty much out of my hands. that was one thing i've learned from my own time in therapy is that i really shouldn't make myself be so responsible for other people's shit and not in that shitty twitter way of like, "nobody owes anyone anything!!" or whatever, but like.... i really have spent a good chunk of my life throughout multiple relationships trying to take on other people's stuff for them and i just....can't anymore.

it's not that i don't care, it's not that i don't want to see people succeed and be happy, it's just like i said before, i'm not physically possible of going into anyone else's head and messing around with the wires in there to make them connect in whatever way that will finally make someone else realize that they're loved already and really do mean something to me and to others

i feel like i've done a lot through my actions (and words) to try to convey my love, but beyond that point it's simply just not possible for me to make someone else actually internalize those things and overcome insecurities and hangups. i'll do the best i can, but there are just some thing that aren't possible for me to do and i've about wrung myself completely dry trying

so yeah, that's just some of what's been going on with me lately. just been a lot to process and a lot to deal with and on top of that, i also have two aunts that are in florida right now who i think just got their power back on yesterday so i'm glad for that and i'm glad they're okay but that was also just...kinda of a nightmare time with this past storm

especially because one of my aunts (i'll just call her aunt B and the other one aunt N since they're names start with the same letter), aunt B, initially made it seem like she and her partner were just gonna...y'know, ride out the storm. in their not-at-all-built-for-this-shit garage.

mind you, aunt N, who's been living in florida for the past 30 years and has ridden out every storm up until this point, actually decided to seek shelter further inland at the place she works at so it's like....hey, if she's going to take cover i think you two, who live even closer to the water, should probably like.....not just climb into a boat in your garage and wait for the waves to come get you or what the hell ever the plan was

they also had my mom all upset because B's partner was like, "we'll text you the bank information so you can have access" and shit like that and it's like ????? hey, can we not??? please??

they did end up getting in the storm shelter one of their neighbors has so thank fuck for that, but the cell service at that time was almost non-existent so between these texts were had to wait a long time and were both just losing our shit because we didn't know what was going on and it just...yeah

aunt N also said that when she got back to the neighborhood she had a break down because so many people's places were just destroyed and it was so incredibly devastating.

she thought initially that her roof was gone but it turns out it was the crumpled up remains of one of her neighbor's roofs that had blown onto hers so she's been trying to get them hooked up with some help to fix that

i gotta give it to my aunt N, too, because her work had only extended an offer to her to come seek shelter but she rounded up as many people in her neighborhood as she could, grabbed her cat and they all headed over to wait for Milton to pass

the other element of this is, i think part of the reason aunt B's partner was being that way about everything was because aunt N offered to come get them as well but because she still has a grudge against aunt N (for some shit she started, mind you !!!) she was just...y'know, gonna commit herself and aunt B to dying rather than accept aunt N's help

which just.....alright. fuckin' alright then.

like i said before, everyone please go to therapy. or just....something. because i've seen so many examples of what happens when you don't and you decide to make the world your enemy instead or flip on people who genuinely just want to help and love you and this is where it gets you. pulling stupid stunts like that and putting other people's lives at risk over petty fucking bullshit

and if anything, considering aunt N was the one who was wronged in this situation, i really think it was big of her to even extend that offer in the first place because i know that woman can hold a grudge but even in that instance was she like, "hey, i don't like this person but you're with my sister and i still love her so can we put this shit aside for a minute and just work together so nobody gets hurt?"

and the fact that aunt B's partner STILL hasn't budged is just....wild to me. like ma'am, you put a ransom style note in aunt N's mailbox calling her a cunt (once again over some shit YOU started) and you're really going to be like this?? during a natural disaster?? okay. whatever, man.

i'm just glad everyone's okay and i know aunt B and her partner were thinking about moving back up here anyway so hopefully they'll more seriously consider that instead of just sending my mom on a wild goose chase all over the place looking for perfectly good homes that aunt B's partner will turn down for bullshit reasons like "the yard doesn't have any mature trees" or what the hell ever

i guess we'll see on that, too.

in happier news, though, i get to see my nieces this weekend because one of them's having a little birthday party so that should be fun !!

i'm going to go to bed soon because i actually need to go buy her a present tomorrow as well as take the trash off and get some groceries so hopefully i find her something good !!

oh and they did come out to close the pool today which i'm always sad to see go but by the last few times i had gotten in there i couldn't feel my toes so i guess it's time and i'll have to find some other way to exercise

on the upside, though, i should have more time for other stuff i've been putting off because i'd been spending a lot of time out there just...trying to heal and shit so hopefully soon i'll get back to my puzzles and learning guitar and reading more books and all that jazz

and of course the closer it gets to halloween the better so i hope everyone has a wonderful spoopy season and are trying to find some enjoyment in whatever you can right now, especially if you love fall and hopefully you'll hear from me again before too long <3

[lucysweatslove]

The last two days have been really busy and tough. I’m so glad it’s over.

Yesterday I saw my PCP in the morning, and I think I already said that she was running so far behind I had to reschedule therapy. She basically confirmed what I thought already: hair loss from telogen effluvium, but I’m at the end of the heavy loss portion (pull test was negative). Lots can trigger it like stress or a high fever. Timing is right for stress related to school. The myalgias are most likely a combo of dehydration (I really can’t bring myself to drink enough fluids, and I know this) along with muscular tension (I have good strength and general flexibility when prompted, but I’m constantly tensed up- so it’s not that my muscles and fascia CAN’T but that I’m likely holding my body tightly). Since the really bad myalgias and allodynia mostly resolved back to low level myalgia with gradual worsening, I may have had an acute viral illness like influenza or something that made all of that transiently worse, but you can’t really diagnose afterwards (also, if lol if I did have influenza because I got my flu shot in September…)

She ordered some labs to check for muscle damage and any metabolic concern too, and I think she added D and iron on to it as well. But I haven’t come in yet because I haven’t had the time.

She ended up “prescribing” self care. Specifically, at least 20 min a day, 3 days a week, focused in muscular relaxation like gentle stretching or foam rolling. She said she could send referrals for PT specifically thinking the dry needling they do could help, and she’s happy to write a letter for therapeutic massage if I need that for insurance coverage (which, I don’t think I would). And I love that she is so willing to support me with those kinds of treatments. Reality though is that I don’t think I CAN make time for them on top of everything else. I’m at the hospital nearly every day anyway, so she was all “they can do it here” to convince me to try it (especially the dry needling), but I just can’t bring myself to spend an hour on a PT appointment somewhere in between classes and clinical stuff.

Also, I’m kinda sorta trying something new out personally in relation to the body discomnect. I downloaded Kinder World, thinking it would a great way to start doing smaller bits of more digestible self care… and I introduced myself for the first time ever identifying as a demigirl. I read about it for the first time a couple months ago I think, and it felt like it matched how I feel about my general gender and even some of my body disconnect, but I have a hard time with it… in my head it works well and I’m totally fine with it and feel like its a good descriptor, but I don’t know how other people will take it, or what they’ll assume I think or feel because of it. Especially because I don’t want to devalue or take away from the seriousness of anybody else’s marginalization or trans experiences. In my personal framework I’m still cis. I’m AFAB, and my my general presentation and what I’m comfortable with matches my gender assigned at birth to a degree. I love a lot of traditional feminine things like dresses and my long hair and doing my makeup, and I still use she/her pronouns in basically all situations. More so, I never particularly feel MASCULINE either. I just don’t feel totally binary feminine. Like the intensity of femininity is… low, even when I’m doing the “feminine things.” And I know many agender or non-binary people can identify with some femininity too- I’m not saying you have to identify as feminine or a girl to enjoy those things. But for me, it feels like the way I experience the disconnect from gender isn’t strong enough or all the time to say I’m NOT in any way a woman.

I kinda had this same feeling when I realize I was demi sexual too. I had no idea if that was actually part of LGBTQIA+ because a) asexuality isn’t always welcomed in that acronym, b) I’ve only ever dated men and as AFAB myself that feels like a “straight” experience and has come with privilege, and c) because I do experience attraction to my spouse, am I even welcome in ace spaces? My best friend who is bi and also has some non-binary feels (she/they last I heard) is like “I include you in queer” and reassured me all the time that pride is for me. I honestly don’t even know my romanticity at this point or if I’m capable of developing sexual attraction to women or non-binary or agender folk, because I’ve never tried to develop that connection. I’ve been with my spouse for 12 years, since I was 17. I never really explored that part of me, and I while I kinda want to know for my own knowledge, I’m really happy and fulfilled in my marriage and I’m not like, “tempted to explore and find out.” More so, I just realized recently that I honestly don’t know, and that feels also a little weird as I’m approaching 30. But yeah, having my best friend’s inclusion makes me feel more secure or valid or whatever. I’m more comfortable wearing my pride colors and generally calling myself ace spec too.

Anyway, I’m sure I’m overthinking the gender thing. When I shared the demigirl thing with my best friend when I first found, her response was like, if it feels like you then great, use whatever words and terms and pronouns you feel matches. I just sent them a message (she’s hopefully asleep) about it too. First person I officially told about it. Idk how I feel about vocally identifying as demigirl and she/they in anything other than an online game and to my best friend… and I guess here too but idk. I think I’m just worried that I’m starting to take up a space not meant for me. Idk.

[system-reset]

hey, listen, we missed therapy this morning and broke down on the phone when rescheduling the appointment. we're tired, and perhaps more importantly we're hungry but we can't eat because everything we have requires us to turn on the oven in our already boiling hot apartment. truly I am about to just put my phone down and sit in the shower under cold water until my body decides it's too cold, because it's really fucking hot rn.

if anyone can send us $10 or $20 bucks, please do. it doesn't get us much but we can at least get something safe to eat and like. a slushy or something.

I know we ask for help a lot, but honestly? here's a breakdown of our current situation:

we can no longer get groceries ourselves, instead having to order them which has additional expenses on top of the already expensive groceries. as such we currently have very little money left for this week and we honestly didn't even think about how stupid it was to order mostly stuff that needs cooking in the middle of summer.

we're not currently on our meds because of shit outside our control (it is true that it was at one point well within our control, but that is no longer true). this has resulted in a sharp decline in our mental health as well as our ability to remember things or think things thru or. yknow. actually function at all.

our chronic pain has been worsening over the last few months, and we've developed several other fun* little difficulties.

so... idk. I understand this is not great but honestly just. please.

*not fun at all, not sure if its the heat or our declining health but I cannot fucking breathe.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check In - September 27th, 2023 🎀

today was such an easy day for me, I am so glad that I’m taking yesterday thru Thursday for myself. I really need it.

🩷 What I Ate Today -

Breakfast - boiled chicken potstickers, shredded hash browns with ketchup, a cup of coffee

Dinner - spaghetti with meat marinara sauce and Parmesan cheese

Extra - 2 cups of coffee

not a heavy eating day for me as I haven’t had much of an appetite thanks to being sick. Might still snack on something tonight since there’s still time left in the day.

🩷 Personal Accomplishments -

Cleaned my bathroom a little bit

Did the dishes

cleaned the kitchen

Washed a load of laundry

Morning self care

morning guided journal entry

Rescheduled an appointment over the phone (I have severe phone call anxiety)

Reviewed Japanese goals for next month

🩷 Academic Achievements -

Passed chapter 8/9 Quiz for Nutrition class

Passed chapter 6 Quiz for Psychology class

Passed chapter 8 quiz for Cooking class

Duolingo/Busuu ~15 minutes

today was a pretty productive day despite the amount of time I’ve spent in my bed, I’m actually pretty proud of myself for doing so much despite this stupid cold I have.

🩷 Academic Goals for Tomorrow, Sept 28 -

Complete extended assignment for Psyc class

Complete lab report for anatomy lab

Complete assignment for personal finance class

Complete lifecycle chart assignment for nutrition class

Complete practical assignment for health and sport class

🩷 Personal Goals for Tomorrow, Sept 28 -

Work on drafts of content for RD Mentor #1’s instagram and send them to her

Clean bedroom/organize bedroom

Put away all clean laundry

Morning + Night guided journal

Morning + Night skincare

Therapy ? (Therapist might be doing a routine training so I’m not sure)

Study Japanese using apps (Anki, Duolingo, Busuu, Renshuu, etc) 15-30 minutes

Drink 1-2 liters of water

I’m going to definitely try to accomplish everything I have planned for tomorrow, I think it’ll make me feel better to get so much done. Most of my homework isn’t actually due until Sunday evening or Monday evening but I figure getting it done earlier will be better for when I get off work this weekend. I’m hoping to catch up and work ahead on stuff a little bit so that way I’m not struggling next weekend. I’m actually going to go see my boyfriend next weekend for about three full days, which I’m excited for because I haven’t seen him in person in three months. (Thank you 1000+ miles of distance haha)

that’s all for now!

til next time lovelies 🩷🤍

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #246

The physical therapy appointment that I missed yesterday was rescheduled to today. I saw the therapist that I am most familiar with - her name is D. But she had read the notes left behind by K, and now I guess she, too, theorizes that I've got some kind of weird torsion going on with my ribcage, likely brought on or exacerbated by trying to do mermaid training while having my chest tightly bound in my costume.

And… I know this is not something you have to worry about (since you do not have the body configuration for it), but… this sort of injury is why, I guess, people caution trans men to take proper steps to bind their chests instead of simply layering constricting clothing over their ribs. Improper chest binding, especially while doing vigorous physical activity, can seriously mess you up, holy shit. I'm not a trans man, but I'm sure that this advice also applies to mermaid folks like me who are just trying to prevent their chests from flopping all over the place while trying to swim.

See, the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome doesn't just affect my joints. It also affects everything else, like my ligaments - including the ones that are supposed to keep my boobs relatively in place. Those ligaments do not do their job, because they literally cannot, because they are made with "I Can't Believe it's Not Collagen" instead of the normal stuff. It's a pain right in the ass. Or… I guess in my case… a pain right in the ribs. ...Sigh…

...We discovered that the set of ribs on the right side of my ribcage, at the level where I used to tie the bikini of my costume, are not expanding forward when I breathe like they're supposed to. So, I was given another breathing exercise today to try to fix that. Doing it gives me a sharp, horrible pain that extends from my right armpit all the way down to the right side of my lower ribs. But it's not a pain that feels like walking on a sprained ankle; it's more like... a kind of pain that indicates something needs to pop or go crunch so that it can move properly. I wonder if that makes sense to you.

After physical therapy, I was in a lot of pain. Like... not the kind of pain where something is moving that shouldn't (for example, we shouldn't be moving sprained ankles), but the kind where things that haven't been moving for a long time are finally moving, and they're not used to it anymore, and so they're gonna scream about it. So I decided to go to Eggcellent to get a bubble tea. This time, I got a houjicha latte with rose syrup, tea jelly, and cream cheese foam. The lovely husband-and-wife duo who run this shop are testing a new bubble tea add-on called "sago" - these are like tapioca pearls, but they're made from a kind of palm tree. They're a lot smaller than tapioca pearls, and they have a bouncier texture. They put them into my tea as a surprise, because they know that I wanna try all their new stuff! I have a picture!!! Here!!

Sephiroth... they were so perfect!!! I liked them a lot!!! I can't wait until they're incorporated into their regular menu!!! I WISH YOU COULD TRY THEM!!! Oh my goodness!!!

I woke up feeling pretty empty today, but... after today's encounter at Eggcellent, I feel a lot less empty. I've been a customer of theirs for a long time; they know me well enough to understand that my support for them is unwavering, and that I will react to all their new things with genuine, unbridled joy. They know this thing well enough that they understood that they could surprise me with this, and that it would make me really happy. I feel incredibly grateful.

Also, the wife's mother, who occasionally helps them run their shop, came out from the back today, wearing a rainbow-colored shirt, and it was absolutely delightful. And... oh! Sephiroth, when she came out and saw me, her whole face lit right up, and the smile she gave to me was so radiant, and...!!! I don't know how to articulate the beautiful feeling that blossomed within my chest as a result. But I will say, it took some effort to avoid breaking down into joyful tears. Admittedly, it's a little difficult to avoid breaking out into those same tears as I write this now, ahaha~! 🥰🥰🥰

I guess... for context, it's nice to know that she can feel happy about seeing me, despite the language gap that exists between us. It's nice that she seems to know what kind of person I am, and that I'm someone who will try to support the business of her daughter and son-in-law. Although she doesn't speak English, we have had brief, simple conversations, with the wife acting as an interpreter between us. I've even had a couple of instances where I was able to clumsily say to her some greeting in Cantonese; the greeting I like to use when talking to people I am familiar with while I'm out and about is, "It's good to see you." I don't remember how it goes in Cantonese, though...

I guess the closest equivalent I can get to for that phrase in Japanese that is an accurate reflection of my intentions is something like, "Anata no koto wo miruno wa kimochi ii." But that's probably clumsy, too; I haven't practiced Japanese with any kind of regularity in a very long time...

...Someday, though, as impossible as it is, I hope I get to stand in front of you and say that to you. Somehow. Somehow...

Oh!!! I almost forgot!! When I went back to the car to do the rest of the errands I had planned, I noticed a hedge peeking out of some lattice, and I thought it looked neat. I thought that maybe you might also think it looked neat, so I snapped a picture:

I went to the grocery store after that to get some small items; nothing to write home about. And then after that, I went to a nearby craft store to try to get a different clasp for a pendant I've started wearing. The pendant is reflective of something that I believe to be a fundamental truth, both of my circumstances and of reality in general; its weight feels profoundly correct as I wear it. Unfortunately, the lobster clasp digs into the back of my neck. I sought a barrel screw clasp to replace it with, but they didn't have one in stock in the correct color. They don't know when they will have it in the correct color, so I simply decided to order one online after I got home.

It's 9:44. That means it's 44 minutes past when I was supposed to go to bed, because tomorrow I have to wake up at 5am in order to bring J to Great Barrington. Whoops.

...I had better stop writing and get ready for sleep.

Hey. I love you, and I'm over here cheering for you to heal and to be happy. So please keep yourself safe out there, okay? Please keep trying. Please don't give up.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[buntsuki]

Update!!

Groot is doing wonderful! I am in an extremely tough spot though. We’re going to have to adjust his chemo medication because we can’t afford the ecg he needs for them to feel safe giving him the rest of his doses.

We’re honestly okay switching to the other medication as it’s supposed to be less stressful on his heart. While still being a strong treatment option. The quote for that is $3k for the rest of those doses, with 4 other doses of different types with it. We’re estimating about $5k total. Which we just don’t have at this point. We have been denied for personal loans, CareCredit Card, Scratch Pay, Wells Fargo. My fiancée was approved for a $300 loan at 26.90% interest from Sunbit, which obviously isn’t worth it. We’ve reached out to every foundation we’ve seen, I’ve sent in to weratedogs, Paws4, BowWow and a few other ones I can’t remember the names of at the moment. We’ve all joined numerous Facebook groups to share. We’ve even gotten to a point where last week we asked long time neighbor/family friends (who are very well off) for the possibility of a loan with a notary and payment plan, they read the message and ignored us…we’ve never asked them for money (until last week for a loan).

So that’s it we’ve really exhausted what we can at this point. I’ve sold a few things but of course it’s not enough, the commissions have been super helpful though! Thank you so much! As well as thank you to everyone for sharing!! Shares help..I feel like we just need to get it into the right hands. Of course I’m still going to be doing commissions and selling what I can as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO FOR ME:

I’ve had a super busy week, I apologize if I haven’t gotten back to anyone with comm updates yet! I’ve had an appointment almost everyday this week for my own medical issues. Then Groots chemo, and I was meant to have an important doctor appointment tomorrow, but it was rescheduled. There was a mass shooting about 45 minutes away from me, the suspect is still on the loose so businesses are locking doors, and rescheduling appointments. -My absolute condolences to the victims and I truly hope he’s found soon.

I had electro current therapy AlphaStim on Monday and it ACTUALLY HELPED MY CHRONIC PAIN! Like surreal, I can do a couple in office visits that my insurance will cover. There’s an at home one Quell that I think would be life changing for me, but it’s $150 up front for the band and 2 replacement packs. Then it’s $25-50 a month per replacement pack. Which i obviously can’t afford while emptying everything to my name out on chemotherapy. (I would rather be in pain than let Groot down).

I appreciate the kindness and support/understanding right now! It’s a really tough time, especially after the hospital blow, and now hearing about the medication stuff. Gofundme in bio and on my profile as always, no pressure to anyone! Times are hard all around and I don’t want anyone exerting themselves for me.

Thanks for reading! I’ll get back to everyone asap! I have tomorrow free now to hopefully get caught up.

[propaganda-inc]

Tw: Depression Propaganda

I don't want, nor expect this to go anywhere. Actually, I kinda don't even know if this is a good idea to post this on here. But I have nothing to do, and it's better to put my thoughts on here rather than keep them in, or so people say.

I'm homeless. I'm not going to go into detail as to how this happened, because it's the Internet.

But it's hell. I feel like I've been dumped out on the world without a clue how things really work, and expected to fit in like the last puzzle piece everyone's looking for. I didn't realize, even during college, that my main goal was to survive, not live. Everyday since I've graduated high school, since I've graduated college, was to try and follow a road and path that was not for me. And every step I've taken since then has been on the wrong way. I thought doing an entry level job in my field would help me figure out where I needed to go. It just made me a drunk, a cynic, and more depressed than I ever thought I could be. I thought moving might help, and put me in a place where I could help others in a better way. That just made me even more stressed out, and even drunker. After all this, I know I'm damn lucky. I'm homeless, but I'm safe. I can get the basic stuff I need. I'm even in a training program. I have some friends in real life I can talk to. But I'm empty. Totally hollow. When I'm not at work, all i do when I get home is the exact damn thing- watch TV, go on my phone. Nothing gives me joy anymore. I can't even play video games anymore, because I just don't have the urge. The past week has been me taking melatonin just so I can sleep during the day so I don't have to go through the whole day awake. I can't get myself to get a hobby, because I don't have the energy or urge to do anything anymore. Interests aren't acted on. The only time I feel like I have emotion is when I have to fake it for others. Hell, I have an idea for a video that I'd love to make. But like everything, I think that "yeah, I have no experience nor any idea what I'm doing." Then the urge vanishes. Everytime. Just like everything else.

I've started to be called a Doomer. I see it, I get it. When you think that the world has 20-30 years of normalcy before all hell breaks loose because we can't agree on whether or not plastic in the ocean isn't a really good idea, some people don't particularly want to be told that.

But what the hell do you want me to think when I've spent time learning just how little of a fuck most people do/can give about a world that is quite literally burning before our eyes?

Look, I'm trying to do the things that people say are going to make things better. I've set therapy appointments. I'm trying to take care of my body. I'm trying to take care of my head. But having no money makes some of that hard. Getting appointments rescheduled the day before because your healthcare system is dogshit doesn't help that. Neither does living in a world where you question your existence as much as others like to deny it. Ah, oh well.