#I really need to reschedule that therapy appointment

[hunterfan16]

I'm an artist and I can draw whatever I want

[afrostycatblr]

Pepper jumping up into my lap like "oh you're about to cry again? not on my watch you're not"

like thanks for the biscuits and purrs babygirl that's very sweet of you

you're not gonna be able to fix the bigger problems unfortunately but at least you're trying to do something and i love you for that

[samandcolbyownme]

Summary: anon request - "hear me out ok .. ok what if reader was getting a tattoo and JAKE is the person who does the tattoos??????"

Warnings: TW needles, getting tattooed, male tattooing female reader, mentions of being in pain and smoking, mainly fluff

Word Count: 5.5K | kind of edited

╔═══━━━─── • ───━━━═══╗

"Hello?"

"Hey y/n, it's Corey from Emblem One."

You smile, "oh hey. What's up, Corey?" You sit up and listen to him, " So, Vienna isn't going to be in today, she's got a bad, and I mean bad case of the flu."

You pout slightly, "Oh. Thats too bad. I hope she feels better soon."

"Yeah, me too. I just got done rescheduling her appointments today.. she was booked and busy so it's.. been a day so far." He laughs slightly, "But I know you trust the rest of us, and I was going down over our other appointments and Jake has an earlier opening if you want it."

"Is he the one you were talking about bringing in a few weeks ago?"

"Yeah, that's him. He does pretty sick work, if I do say so myself, but you know that if I didn't think he could do your tattoos, I wouldn't recommend him." Corey chuckles slightly, "I know it's a sternum tattoo, so if you're no-"

"Put me in." You say quickly, "I need tattoo therapy Corey. I can't wait any longer." You laugh and he clicks his tongue, "You got it."

He pauses for a second, "So instead of coming in at six like you were supposed to with V, he can get you in at two thirty. That sound okay?"

"That's absolutely perfect. Thank you so much for calling me."

"Anytime. See you in a little."

"Yep, bye." You hang up, checking the time before getting up to go shower.

You were getting a chest piece done, a floral setting under your boobs with a vine that goes in between them.

You were actually kind of nervous for this one, well.. it wouldn't be as bad if you hadn't let google and all of its pain scale ratings deter your feelings about it.

You tried not to think about it by going to the shops page, looking to see if they posted an introduction to Jake.

They did, and wow is he ever pretty.

You bite your lip, reading down over the basic info that's listed below his picture.

Emblem One would like to introduce our newest artist, Jake Webber. Jake has been tattooing for a few years and he is absolutely incredible. You can swipe to see a few of the pieces that he's done so far, and if you would like to schedule an appointment with Jake, please call the shop and we'll get you set up.

You raise your eyebrows as you swipe through the attached pictures, "Wow." You shake your head, Corey was right, his work is pretty sick.

You find yourself in the comments, and to no surprise, you're reading stuff that definitely should have stayed in the keyboard.

User1: I have no tattoos, but now I want one that will take hours

User2: I have a few openings that I can definitely schedule you in to fill.

User3: I'd leave a wet spot on the table, he's so hot

"People have no chill." You roll your eyes, laughing slightly as you double tap the picture to like it before getting in the shower.

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

You push the door to the tattoo shop open, walking in as you give Corey a smile, "Hey."

He stands up, "What's up, y/n?"

You shake your head, closing the door behind you, "Nothing really, about to get a tattoo." You laugh slightly and he chuckles, "You don't say."

He slides the paper for you to sign, "Are you nervous?"

You sign your name and shrug, "I know it's going to hurt, but I'm so excited for it."

He chuckles and nods, "Yeah, I don't really think it's going to tickle." He nods to the back, "I'll go tell Jake you're here."

He walks back, leaving you alone in the small lobby that you're very familiar with. You walk over, looking at the different paintings and drawings that are on the walls.

You've seen them a bunch of times but they always amaze you.

"Y/n."

You turn, seeing Jake standing there and your eyes move up to meet his - wow, he's a lot taller in person.

You smile, "Yes, hi." You walk over to him, "You must be Jake."

He extends his hand out, "That would be me."

You lay your hand in his and it feels like fireworks are going off inside of your stomach.

"So if you're ready.." he nods towards the door, hand still holding yours, "You can follow me this way."

You nod, blinking a few times as you smile, "Yes. I am more than ready." You slip your hand from his and he gives you a little smirk before walking back the hall.

You follow him back, saying hi to the other artists that are there today.

"You're popular here aren't you?" Jake jokes and you laugh, "I've known Corey since, middle school, I think."

"So you're friends with the owner, how sick is that?" Jake sits down on his stool and you nod, "It has its perks."

You sit your bag down on the extra chair in the corner and shrug your jacket off. You turn around letting out a quiet, but loud enough to catch Jake's attention, "shit."

"Everything okay?" Jake looks up from getting everything set up and you nod, "Yeah, well. I mean no. I wanted to bring an extra shirt with me, just so I didn't get ink all over this one, and I forgot it."

"I have an extra one if you want it." Jake offers and you raise your brows, "Do you really?"

He nods, getting up from his stool, "It's in my car, but I can go out and grab it quick."

"Are you sure?" You tilt your head, "I don't want to be a hassle. I know you have other appointments later."

He shakes his head, "Nah, just one. But that isn't until six or something, so we have plenty of time." He grabs his keys and points to the door, "I'll be right back."

"Thank you!" You say as he walks out. You turn, digging your phone from your bag and bringing it up to text your best friend, I got rescheduled so I'm here at the shop now. Corey put me with the new guy they hired and oh my gosh is he a sweetheart, and oh, he is sooo pretty, too. Go to Emblem One on IG and look. It's their new artist. Jake.

Just as you get done, basically fan girling about Jake, he walks back in, "Here you are."

You take the shirt from his hand and smile, "You are a lifesaver, Jake. Thank you."

He bats the air, "Oh shucks." He laughs slightly and walks towards the door, "I'm going to let you get comfortable, I'll be back in a few."

You watch as he leaves, closing the door behind him.

You take off your shirt off, followed by your bra before slipping on his shirt. Your eyes scan over the black walls, moving over the long mirror hung horizontally against it.

You walk over to the mirror, spending the last few minutes alone trying to figure out how you were going to keep yourself covered while he tattoos.

As you're moving the shirt around, there's a knock on the door and you quickly pull it down, "Come in."

The door opens and Jake walks in, "Comfy cozy?"

You laugh slightly, moving to sit back on the table, "As much as I can get."

"Is there anything else I can do for you before we get started?" He sits down, turning to look at you with a smile.

You tilt your head, "It's more or less how I'm going to stay covered up, I don't want anyone uncomfortable. I seen other shops have hospital gowns that they have people put on backwards.."

He smirks slightly, "I was actually thinking about that out there and, I don't have a hospital gown, but what I can do, is cut the shirt up the middle and then tape it down so you're covered."

"I don't want you ruining your shirt, Jake." You shake your head slightly and he shrugs, "That's an old shirt anyway. I won't miss it."

"Are you sure?" You ask and he smiles as he grabs the scissors, "So. Are we doing this?"

You laugh, moving to stand up, "I guess we are."

He rolls over, pinching the hem of the shirt with his fingers before gliding the scissors upward. You lay your hands on your boobs to keep them covered and your breath hitches quietly as the cool air hits your skin.

"Let me grab the tape."

You nod as you watch him wheel over, grabbing the white tape before coming back over. He look up at you, "If you feel uncomfortable at anytime and need or want me to stop, please tell me."

"You're fine, Jake." You smile.

That wasn't a lie, you were, oddly enough, more comfortable with him than you were with any of your actual guy friends.

"I'm just saying. I don't want you writing a bad yelp review." He tries not to laugh but fails which causes you to laugh, "Oh yeah, I'm going to totally go home after this and write the worst review ever."

"Maybe that'll make the girls in the instagram comments stay away." He snickers as he shakes his head while taping down the shirt to your skin.

"You saw them?" You drop your hands and he look up with a nod, "Oh yeah." He rolls his eyes and sighs, "But I seen you liked it, so thanks for that."

You can feel your cheeks heating as he pushes himself back, "Oh, that. Yeah, i was just.. showing love to my favorite tattoo shop, you know."

Way to play it cool, y/n, you mentally slap yourself as you sit down on the table again.

He chuckles, "No I appreciate that. I know being a new artist to some is kind of scary, but Corey said he would hype me up and it obviously worked, since you're sitting on my table."

You laugh, "he did. Don't worry. He said your art was sick and I have to agree with him. You do some good work, Jake."

He smiles as he holds up a fresh, unopened needle, "Steril, clean." He brings it down to open it up, "Thank you. I appreciate getting that confirmed." He chuckles as he puts everything together.

You make small talk while he gets the stencil ready, asking where you're both from, what you do for work, this and that.

"alright, if you would come stand in front of me." He points with his pinky to the floor in front of him. You walk over to him and he rubs soap onto your skin before shaving the spot the stencil is going to be.

You look in the mirror, watching Jake as he works to get you ready.

"I'm actually nervous about this. I heard this spot hurt."

He smirks, "everyone is different, you know pain tolerance and all, but considering you have a few others, I think you'll be fine. If you need to take a break or two, or five.." he laughs slightly, "Just let me know."

You nod, "Sounds good."

He applies a thin layer of the stencil solution to your skin before turning around to pick up the thin layer of paper, "Alright. Nice and straight and stay as still as you can for me."

You let your hands hang by your sides as you try to control your breathing. You glance in the mirror, watching as Jake smooths out the stencil over your sternum and under your boobs.

"I think, this is going to be a sick ass tattoo." Jake leans back, letting the stencil sit for a few seconds before gently peeling it off, "take a look at that, let me know if you need it moved or anything."

He watches as you turn to look at the stencil in the mirror. You nod, "That's good. I like where it's at."

He nods, "Then we'll let that dry for a few minutes then I guess we'll get right into it." He smiles as he turns away to pour the ink into the little cups.

"I know your post said you've been tattooing for a while, but I'm nosey, so how long is a while exactly?" You sit back down, making sure to keep your body as straight as you can.

He laughs slightly, "Well, if you must know." He glances at you with a smirk, "I was an apprentice for about two years then I worked with an artist in the city for a little bit until I got a call from Corey."

"Did Corey find you on Instagram?" You reach up to run your hand through your hair and Jake laughs, "No, actually. My friend Sam got him in touch with me."

You blink, "Wait. Sam.. what's his last name?"

"Golbach."

"Shut up."

"I'm confused." Jake laughs and you shake your head, "No, no. I know Sam."

"Really? No fuckin' way." Jake's mouth drops open, "How do you know Sam?"

"My family knows his family. Ever since we were little." You shake your head, "That's crazy. Maybe it is a small world after all."

"Yeah, yeah." He smiles, "It sure is."

You smile and after a few seconds of silence, he points, "I'm going to check your stencil if that's okay."

"Oh no." You push your chest out, "Go ahead."

He walks up, gently rubbing his finger over the end part and nods, "Ready?"

You take a deep breath, "I guess so." You laugh as you swing your legs up, lying back on the table. Jake sits down, wheeling himself and the cart over.

You hear the buzzing of the tattoo gun and you take a deep breath. Jake applies a thin layer of Vaseline over the stencil, "Alright. If you need a break at all, let me know."

"Alright." You nod, taking in a deep breath before he anchors your skin down to start.

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

Halfway through the tattoo, you opted for a break.

Jake takes your hand, helping you sit up. You swing your legs over the edge of the table, "Thank you."

He nods, taking off his gloves before shrugging off his jean jacket, revealing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off.

"I like your tattoos." You smile as your eyes move over his tatted skin. He smiles, "Thanks. I'm kind of an addict when it comes to them."

"Tattoos are hot, so it's okay." You smirk at him as you get up to look into the mirror. He walks up behind you, "Yeah, they really are." His eyes move from your half finished tattoo to your eyes and his lips form into a smirk before he turns away.

"Do you care if I go out and have a smoke real quick?"

You shake your head, "Nope. You're good." You smile at him, "Take your time."

"So sweet." He smiles and pulls the pack from his jacket pocket, "I don't know if you smoke, but I'd feel like it would be rude of me not to offer you one."

You laugh and shake your head, "I only smoke when I'm drinking, or drunk, I should say."

"Nothing wrong with a drink and smoke." He smiles and puts a cigarette between his lips, "I'll be back."

You nod, bending down to get your phone out so you can snap a picture of your tattoo progress. You laugh when you read over the text from your friend, oh my god. He is absolutely beautiful. You're letting him see your tits? Lucky day for both of you lol

You roll your eyes, taking a picture of your current state, He gave me his shirt and cut it so he could keep me covered. He's honestly very respectful, but we're halfway done. I'll send you a picture when it's all done.

You walk back over and toss your phone in your bag before going back to sit on the table. As you sit and wait for Jake, you can't help but think about how you feel like you've known Jake for years.

You clicked with him, so fast that it was actually kind of scary.

"I brought you a water." Jake says as he rounds the corner into the room. You look up, smiling as you take it, "Thank you so much."

You open it, taking a sip before lifting your legs to rest them on the table, "How was your smoke?"

He nods, "It was alright." He laughs as he grabs new gloves, "Don't worry, I washed my hands when I came in."

"No worries, I trust you." You smile, watching as he pulls the black gloves over his hands.

He had nice hands. Very. Nice hands.

"Are you ready to start again?" Jake snaps you out of your stare and you smile, "Yes. Yes I am." You lay back on the table as look over at Jake, "So is this your first sternum piece?"

He looks up at you, "Mm, not really. I did a touch up on one other, but her boyfriend stared me down the whole time."

"Oh I bet that was awkward." You stare up at the ceiling, "I hate that. I hate people in general."

Jake chuckles before he starts tattooing, "I totally get what you mean."

"Oh, I don't hate you. I hope you didn't ta-"

He cuts you off, "Not at all. Not at all." He smiles as he continues, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you have beautiful skin."

You bite down on your lip, smiling as you feel your cheeks turning red, "Thank you? I think."

He leans back, wiping your skin, "I meant that as a compliment, sorry if it didn't sound like one."

"No, no. It did. I just.. never got that compliment before."

"Really?" He shakes his head, "People are missing out to see you smile, then." He glances up at you, and you can tell that he's just as comfortable with you as you are with him.

You didn't really believe in love at first site stuff, but you did believe in that click, and that click is what you have with him.

"Alright, now this part might hurt a lot more than the bottom piece, so if you need another break, just tell me."

You give him a nod, biting down on your lip as he starts the vine that's between your boobs.

"Oh.. gosh.." you take calming breathes as he was right, it does hurt, "you were right."

You close your eyes, trying to think of something else and Jake helps with that.

"Have you lived here long?"

"Kind of." You say instantly, "I've been here a few years. I actually only live a few streets over in the Green Ridge apartment building."

"Nice, nice." Jake wipes away and gives you a little breather, "Do you have any pets?"

"I have a cat." You laugh slightly, "I would love a dog, but my building doesn't have the grass around it for them to go out, you know."

"Oh man. Of course not. What's your cat's name?"

You laugh slightly, "Um. It's mystic. He's a fluffy grey cat and I got the name from The Vampire Diaries." You wince slightly as you feel the needle piercing your skin, "I'll show you a picture when we're done."

"I would love to see it." He smiles as he moves onto the next part, "I don't have any pets. Mainly because I spend most of my time in the shop, whether it's drawings or tattooing, I just like being here."

"Did you draw that moon phase picture above the mirror?" Your eyes move to the frame and back to him, "Yeah I did." He looks up at you with a smile, "it wasn't easy, took me forever but I finally finished it."

"Do you.. think you can draw me a flower piece that connects to the top of this one?"

He nods, "I'd be honored."

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

Two hours of talking and tattooing later, Jake is up by your shoulder, leaning over you to finish the top of your tattoo, "We are almost done, sweetheart."

The cute little pet name makes your stomach flip and your cheeks turn pink, "Okay." You say quietly with a smile, "I'm so excited to see it."

"I may be biased, since I'm the one who's doing it, but it's so pretty." He nods, "I like it."

"I'm sure I will too."

"If you don't like it, you can tell me. I promise I'll wait to cry until you leave." He laughs and turns to get more ink.

"I don't think you'll need to cry. From what I already saw, I'm in love with it already." You smile at him and he nods, "I'm glad."

His arm lays over your shoulder, resting under your chin. You close your eyes, feeling the vibrations move through his arm and before you know it.

You're done.

Jake leans back, "Well.." he wipes off your skin, "we're done."

"Already?" You smirk, "That didn't even take long."

He laughs as he helps you sit up, your hand in his and his other on the center of your back, "Take a look."

You glance down before sliding off the table. You walk over to the mirror and your jaw drops, "Oh my god."

"Go easy on me, I'm sensitive." He holds his hands up and laughs.

"No, Jake. This is .. this is beautiful." You turn back to look at it more, "By far my favorite tattoo."

"I'm glad you love it. I love it too." He sprays a paper towel and sits down, "I'm just going to wipe it off some more then take a picture if you don't mind?"

You turn to face him, "I don't mind." You smile as you step towards him, feeling that relief as he wipes over the completed tattoo. (A/n: if you ever had a tattoo, you know exactly what I'm talking about.)

He rests his hand on your hip as his eyes move over the tattoo, wiping it in different spots, "Beautiful."

You look down at him and he smirks, "That tattoo looks pretty good, too." He winks before turning to grab his phone.

Okay, so there's something there. You weren’t imagining it.

You take a deep breath, licking your lips as you turn to look at it in the mirror again, admiring his work.

"Alright." Jake says, "Ready when you are."

You turn back to him, standing up as straight as possible as he snaps a few pictures.

"Got them. I'll probably post it later if you're okay with that?" He looks up at you and you nod, "Whatever you want to do. I'm covered."

"I definitely wouldn't post them if you weren't." He chuckles and points, "Do you want me to take that tape off or did you want to do it at home?"

"You can take it off and I'll just wrap the shirt over and we can slap a new piece on if that'll work?" You motion to pulling the shirt over and he nods, "oh yeah, that will totally work. Do you want me to cover it?"

"Oh yes. Please." You nod and he gives you a thumbs up before turning around to grab some Saniderm. He holds up the piece, "I think that'll be good for the bottom, I'll cut a skinnier piece for the vine part."

You nod, letting him do whatever he needs to do.

He runs his hands over the clear covering and then moves to take the tape off, "If you wanted to grab this side, I'll go ahead and work at getting these pieces off."

"Okay." You hold the side against you as he peels each piece of tape off on the other side before you hold that side of the shirt against you.

You pull the shirt over, holding it there until he grabs a new piece, "Thank you again, for the shirt, for cutting your shirt, and for doing all of this."

"It's not a problem at all, y/n." He smiles as he rubs the piece of tape to stick to the fabric, "Thank you for allowing me to do this."

"Corey said you were good, I just wanted to see how good." You smile and step back. He smiles, "Well I appreciate your curiosity getting the best of you."

"Of course." You nod and go over to grab your jacket, slipping it on before grabbing your bag, "Do you want me to meet you out front then?"

He nods, "Yeah that'll be good."

"Okay." You walk out to the front and Corey looks up, "Well, I see you're alive. How was it?"

"Painful. But.. worth it." You laugh and rest your bag on the counter, "You have a good artist back there."

He tilts his head, "Good as in he does good work, or good as in you like him?" He smirks and you shrug, "Is it okay to say both?"

He chuckles and rolls his eyes, "I guess." His eyes move behind you as Jake walks out. He moves behind you and around to stand next to Corey.

You hand him the money the amount for the tattoo and he squints his eyes, "How much did you and Vienna agree on?"

"Three fifty." You say and Jake laughs, "I'll take two."

You sigh, "then I'm leaving you a big tip."

He chuckles and Corey looks between the two of you, "I have to go.. check on something.. I think." He laughs as he walks away, leaving you and Jake at the desk.

"I'm not leaving until you take it." You rest it down on the counter and Jake sighs, "You're persistent."

"I like to show my appreciation." You smirk and he picks up the cash, "Fine." He smirks and sets it down on the desk, "Are we looking at scheduling another?"

"Is that even a question?" You laugh and Jake sighs, "Yeah, a dumb question." He laughs and looks at his schedule, "When did you want to come back in? For the shoulder connecting piece, right?"

You nod, "Um, we can do like two, three weeks? That should give you enough time to draw it up for me."

"Okay." He bends down, clicking on the computer, "Does the twenty first sound good?"

"That's perfect." You smile and watch as he writes down the date on an appointment card. He hands it to you and right when he's about to say something else, the door opens and you both look over.

A guy walks in, smiling at both of you.

"Hey Matt, I'll be right with you." Jake nods to him and looks back at you. You sigh, "Thanks again, Jake. I really appreciate it."

"Anytime."

And with that, you leave the shop, mentally beating yourself up that you didn't ask him out.

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

A few days later

The last few days have been painful and irritating as you can't really sleep comfortably yet.

So it's two am, you're wide awake, and your phone goes off.

Who could that be, you think as you sit up, leaning over to grab it.

Hey, y/n. It's Jake. I'm so sorry that it's so late but I cannot stop thinking about you.

Your mouth drops slightly as you feel an excited rush roll over your body. You smile, biting your lip as your thumbs quickly tap the screen, Hi Jake. I'm glad to see that we both feel the same way.

You clutch your phone, anxiously awaiting his response.

Okay, wow. This is embarrassing. I honestly didn't expect you to be awake, but then again I'm glad you are. I wanted to ask you out at the shop the other day but I was so fucking nervous.

You giggle slightly, happy that you finally got the message you were waiting for, or waiting for the courage to send.

You tap the screen biting down on your lip as you send the message, You're literally taking the words right out of my mouth. I was so nervous, too.

You see the bubbles pop up, disappear, and then pop up again before he finally sends his message, This might be a long shot, but what are you doing right now?

You look at your screen confused but you answer, I can't sleep so I'm just lying in bed wide awake.

He answers, almost instantly, Do you want to take a drive?

You answer instantly, Yes, please.

You send him your address and he responds, I'll be there in twenty, I'll text you when I'm there.

You kick the blankets off, hurrying over to grab a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt from your closet. You brush your hair, not worrying about anything else before you walk out to your living room to wait.

You were kind of nervous, but at the same time, you were so excited to see him.

Twenty minutes later, your phone lights up and it's a text from Jake, I'm parked out front in the Tesla.

You grab your bag, making sure you have your keys before walking out of the door. You walk down, smiling at his car as you walk towards it.

He smiles at you through the windshield, leaning across the consol to open the door for you.

"Thank you." You say as you get in and shut the door. You turn towards him as you buckle, giving him a quiet, "Hey."

"Hey." He smiles and looks away, "god why am I so nervous?" He laughs and looks back at you. You shrug, "I asked myself that, too. A few times on the way out here."

He smile and shakes his head, "I figured we could stop, get some snacks before we drive around?"

You nod, "That's good with me."

"Okay." He nods and starts driving, "So. I have to ask. Are the lines on your tattoo straight?"

"I think so." You look at him, "Why do you ask?"

"Because.." he laughs, "I had to force myself to not shake."

You laugh slightly, "Aw, Why were you shaking?" He looks over at you, "I started shaking the minute you turned around to look at me in the lobby."

"Well you did a good job at covering it up because I couldn't even tell you were." You smirk and he sighs, "Well that's a relief." He looks over at you, "Tattoo healing okay?"

You nod, "Oh yeah. I took the stuff off two days ago I think?" You look over at him, "Do you want to see it?"

"If you're okay with that." He nods, "I'd love to."

He pulls into the parking lot and you unbuckle, bunching up your sweatshirt to reveal the underboob part of the tattoo, "I love it."

He raises his eyebrows, "That looks so good."

You nod, "It's healing perfectly."

He smiles as he points to the building, "Shall we go get some car ride snacks?"

You nod, "Let's do it."

You get out, walking in with him. You stay close to him, mainly because you're just happy to be with him. You grab some snacks and a drink, making your way up and Jake takes you stuff from your arms to pay.

"You don't have to do that." You say and he looks back at you, "You got out of bed at two in the morning for me, it's the least I could do."

You roll your eyes with a smile and wait for him to grab the bag before you walk out. You get back in the car and Jake looks over at you, staring for a few seconds.

"What?" You ask shyly, "Is there something on my face?" You brush your face and Jake laughs, "No." he sighs, "You are just.. amazing."

He laughs nervously and you smile as you look down, "So are you."

He turns towards you , word vomit spilling out, "I definitely would have asked you out the day you were at the shop, but I didn't want to do it with Matt standing and.. and then I thought that I could wait until your next appointment with me, but I couldn't so I got your number from your client profile and I just.. had to see you sooner."

"I'm glad you did. I was beating myself up over not saying anything." You sigh, "Plus. You're worth getting out of bed at two in the morning for."

He smiles and shakes his head, "That.. is sweet. Thank you."

You laugh, "I'm just glad we feel the same."

"You had me when you first looked at me, but you really got me at I hate everyone." He laughs, "I'm just glad that it wasn't all in my head."

You shake your head, "Nope. It's not."

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

As usual, let me know how you liked this. Thank you for reading! Love you all!

Likes and reblogs are greatly appreciated 🖤

[lipglossanon]

Turbo Lover

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masseuse!Leon S. Kennedy x fem!reader (one shot)

for the anon request who asked for masseuse Leon; I hope you enjoy it and thanks for your patience! 💜

Warnings: 18+ minors DNI, oral (f receiving), dirty talk, fingering

not proofread ✍️

Title from Turbo Lover by Judas Priest

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“Sarah swears by this place, so relax and enjoy yourself!”

You sigh, drumming your fingers on your steering wheel. After parking in front of a fairly ritzy massage parlor, you’ve been talking to you friend on speaker phone for fifteen minutes as she convinces you to actually go inside.

“I don’t know…”

“Please, you need to go get a massage; work has been stressful like crazy for you so do it. I’m telling you as your bestie.”

You laugh, “Okay, okay. I’ll go in and see what they have to offer.”

“See? It can’t hurt in looking.”

“I know. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Text me!”

And with that the resounding beep signals you’re sitting alone with your thoughts in the car. Sighing, you grab your bag and get out of the car. The front’s pretty minimalistic which seemed on brand for massage therapy you thought. 

Walking inside, there’s the generic calming music playing over the speakers with potted plants dotted all around. It smells wonderful though, like some sort of airy floral scent that you just can’t place. You make your way to the front desk and smile at the lady behind the counter. 

“Hi,” she smiles at you, “my name’s Sandy, how may I help you today?”

“Hi, I uh don’t have an appointment or anything but I was wondering if you had any openings?”

“Let me check,” she turns her attention to the computer to the side and quickly types, “looks like I have an opening with Claire in ten minutes if that’s okay?”

“Sure.”

“Perfect!” she shines another smile your way, “just fill out this paper for me stating your consent and if you have any allergies we should know in regard to the oils and lotions we use. You can also ask for a chaperone at any time if you feel uncomfortable being alone.”

“Thanks,” you return her smile, a little more at ease. 

You quickly fill out the empty spaces and hand the paper back to Sandy. 

“Great, just please have a seat and Claire will lead you back shortly. Would you like a water or anything while you wait?”

“Oh uh no but thank you.”

“You’re most welcome.”

You sit down on the nearest chair and pull out your phone to kill the time. Bringing up the ebook you’ve been reading, you easily lose track of the time. 

“I’m so sorry, ma’am!”

Your attention is pulled up to a blue eyed, handsome man standing between the desk and you, looking sheepish and apologetic. 

“Pardon?”

“Claire was called away on a family emergency, so I’m her replacement. If you’d like you can reschedule to be with her.”

You feel like a fish out of water so you just shrug, “I mean I’m fine with it if that’s okay? If I need to, I can reschedule—“

“No that’s fine,” he smiles relieved, “I just know sometimes people get upset if they come for one of us specifically and don’t get them.”

“Oh,” you place your phone in your bag and stand, “well I’m fine honestly, this is my first time here actually.”

“Really?” the smile he gives you is nearly blinding, “I’ll make sure to make it a great experience.”

“The name’s Leon, by the way,” he turns and leads you down a hallway off to the side. 

You feel a little warm as Leon walks in front of you. Since you didn’t give it much thought, you really didn’t realize you could have such a hot guy giving you a massage. His biceps stretch his sleeves while his broad shoulders and back strain against the shirt fabric. Your eyes drag from his sandy hair down to his tight ass. Praying for good luck, you just hope you don’t embarrass yourself in front of him.

Leon pulls open a door near the end of the hall and gestures for you to enter.  He follows you inside and points out where you can sit your bag and shoes. 

“I can step out if you want to take off your shirt and pants then lay down face first on the table; but, if that’s uncomfortable for you, it’s 100% fine to stay fully dressed and we can get started.”

You glance over at the massage table and then around the pretty spacious room taking in the counter full of oils, lotions, heating stones, and towels. 

You turn back to Leon to find him watching you, his face soft and earnest. 

“I think I’ll get undressed.”

In for a penny, in for a pound.

“Okay,” he nods, “you can just set your clothes on the chair next to the table if you’d like. Then once you lay down you can pull that towel up and over your body.”

He steps out of the room and firmly closes the door. You pause for a moment and once you’re sure the door’s completely shut, you undress and lay your clothes off to the side. Climbing up onto the table, you lay flat like he suggested and lay the towel over you.

A few minutes pass and then Leon knocks on the door, cracking it open so he can ask, “Is it okay for me to come in?”

“You’re good.”

He steps in smiling brightly again. 

“Great, since you booked Claire, she usually does the 60 minute full body massage, is there anywhere you don’t want touched or injuries I should know about?”

You shake your head, “Nope.”

“Alright,” he steps out of your line of sight and you can hear him shuffling through items. 

“Just let me know if you get too hot, cold, thirsty, or just uncomfortable and I’ll do whatever I can to accommodate.”

“Thank you, Leon,” you murmur.

“Of course,” his voice is warm like his hands when they come down on your shoulders, slick with some scented oil that smells like coconut. 

He asks you simple questions as he works: what you do for work, favorite places to eat in the city, any fun hobbies in your downtime, etc. 

He pulls you into easy conversation and has lulled you into state of complete relaxation by the time he’s finished. 

He curses under his breath and you hum questioningly. 

He sounds a little embarrassed, “Well, I got carried away and lost track of time. But I swear you won’t get charged extra.”

“S’okay,” you laugh, feeling gooey and comfortable, “definitely worth it. Best I’ve felt in ages. I hope I didn’t cut into your other client’s time.”

“Oh no, I was headed home for the day when Claire asked me to cover.”

“If I would’ve known that I would’ve rescheduled,” your tone turns pouty, “Leon, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he chuckles, smoothing his palms down your back, “this was really enjoyable. Most people come in and completely ignore my attempts at conversation.”

“No way,” you’re affronted on his behalf.

His hands glide down your sides making you sigh, “Yep, just not interested I guess. But you were wonderful.”

You’re glowing from the inside at his words, always a sucker for praise. 

“No, you were wonderful,” you finally get out, “I was kinda nervous. But you got a repeat customer.”

He laughs delightedly, “What a bonus.”

You giggle and squirm as his fingers dig into your lower back, “Well I can get ready and take off.”

He digs his thumbs in right above your tailbone making your hips arch up as you moan. 

Feeling overwhelmingly embarrassed, you tug on the towel, “Oh god, I’m so sorry,  I didn’t mean to—“

Leon laughs, “Don’t apologize, it happens more than you think.”

“Oh,” the embarrassment still makes you feel like folding in on yourself, wishing you were anywhere but here. 

“Besides,” he presses you flat down onto the table again, hands quickly returning to where they were, “sounded pretty good to me.”

His thumbs repeat the action, digging into the tender spot of your lower back making you keen and rock up. 

“There we go,” he coos, “just relax, I got you.”

His hands drag down to your inner thighs, massaging the muscles. 

“Leon,” you whimper making him groan. 

“I got you honey,” his thumbs glide up from your inner thighs up to your panty covered pussy, stroking your slit through the damp material. 

“Think you need an extra special service for being so goddamn sweet,” he murmurs. 

He stops to grab the band of your panties, “Is this okay?”

“Uh huh,” you nod, brain already mush and he hasn’t really done much. 

He quickly pulls your panties off, tossing them over to your clothes. Pushing the towel up until it’s pooled on your lower back, he caresses your bare skin softly. He pushes your thighs open wider. 

“Fuck, pretty little pussy, need to lick her open, see if she’s as sweet as you.”

He pulls you down closer to the edge of the table, so he can get between your legs easier. He spreads open your cunt and spits on your hole. 

You keen at the feeling and he does it again. 

“Ready?”

“Please, Leon.”

Without any other preamble, Leon buries his face into your pussy with a groan. His tongue laps up the spit to thrust it into your drippy hole. He hums and drags his mouth over to your clit, suckling the sensitive bud until you’re squirming. 

He pulls away and twists your hips, “Fuck, baby, turn over for me.”

You quickly comply, spreading your thighs again but he folds your legs and pushes them up as he goes back down on you. 

“Oh god,” you wrap your arms around your thighs to hold yourself open for him. 

He shows his appreciation for that by sliding two fingers into your wet, fluttering walls searching for your g-spot. With a sharp whine, you rock down into his hand once he finds it. 

His eyes crinkle with a smile but it’s hard to tell when he’s tonguing up into your hole along with his fingers. He pulls away and spits on your clit making your hips jump up. 

“Fucking sex on legs, coming in here all sweet,” he growls as he goes back to sucking and kissing on your swollen clit, “like I haven’t been wanting to taste this hot cunt inches from my fucking hands.” 

“Fuck, Leon,” you mewl, eyes fluttering as he rubs against the spongy spot at the front of your pussy over and over and over. 

“Want you to cum all over my mouth,” he lashes his tongue against you clit before sliding it across your pussy lips, “get me soaked.”

He sucks your pussy lips into his mouth then moves to nipping at your thigh before drifting back to your sensitive clit. 

“Fattest fucking pussy,” he groans, sucking your hard bud into his mouth making you cry out, hands shakily letting go of your legs to tangle in his hair. 

“Oh ‘m so close, gonna cum,” you whimper, rocking down into him, holding his head against your pussy. 

He groans, eyes flicking up to yours as he fingers you harder and faster, mouth never letting up as he sucks and licks over your clit. 

“Oh, oh, oh, fuck,” your thighs tense and try to close around his shoulders as your back bows, pussy gushing slick as he lets you ride out your orgasm on his fingers and face. 

You know you must be pulling his hair too hard, but you can’t stop humping against his mouth as he extends your climax with his fingers on your g-spot. Slick is coating his face and jaw when he finally pulls away, your orgasm ebbing into pleasant aftershocks. 

You laugh feeling high on endorphins, “That was amazing.” 

“Oh,” you raise up on your elbows, “what about—“

You waves you off with a grin, “What do you think I was doing with my other hand?”

You bite your lip as he stands, spent cock bobbing as he cleans off with a nearby towel. A pulse of want blazes through you. 

“Next time, honey,” he laughs seeing your glazed expression and tucks himself away. 

“Think of this as an appetizer,” he winks, helping you up and redressing yourself. 

“I’ll definitely be back,” you laugh, kissing his cheek as he holds the door open for you. 

“I hope so.”

He gives you a short wave when you make it to the end of the hallway. There’s a new lady behind the desk, Carolyn, and she’s more than happy to book you in for Leon’s next available appointment. 

[newtonsheffield]

Is Kate good at looking after Anthony whilst he’s recovering and doing his physical therapy and adjusting to his new disability? I can’t imagine she’s had to care for someone else much in her life as a literal princess.

I agree, I don’t think Kate’s had the opportunity to be in much of a caregiver role at this point in her life. But I think she’d be very eager to look after Anthony. She’d be attending Anthony’s appointments with him, rescheduling her day to fit them in. She takes note of what they say, she kind of thrives looking after Anthony. Even though he hates it at first and he doesn’t even let her see the scars that are on his chest now and some days he struggles with the fact that Kate has to cut his food for him. He hates that and she knows it but Kate genuinely doesn’t mind. She’s happy to adjust the parts of her routine that Anthony needs

1) He did this for her

2) It means they’re starting to build a life together.

She’s making room in her life for another person and she likes the changes in her life. She likes massaging Anthony’s stiff neck and helping him wash his hair. She likes the fact that she has to shave him some times. She really doesn’t mind any of it. She gets a sense of satisfaction out of it.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: April 24, 2024 🎀

Wednesday started out so rough, I had a really bad stress breakdown from the pressure I was putting on myself for the exam I have today (Thursday), but luckily my dad was able to calm me down over the phone and my boyfriend motivated me and encouraged me. I don't feel as stressed out anymore, I know that I know the material and I'll do great! (it's a chemistry exam)

🩷 What I Accomplished:

studied chemistry for a good bit

completed 3 chemistry homework assignments

scheduled a make-up quiz for my psyc class

did the Total Body Pilates video from Blogilates

did the 11 minute Wake Up Yoga from Yoga with Adriene

did my morning skincare and journaling

actually, just did my entire morning routine and felt great about it

shipped off shorts I sold on depop

went to chemistry lecture to review for the exam

went to my virtual appointment with a registered dietitian and set some goals for the next 2 weeks

decided to join a step challenge with my health insurance company to win points (they have some cool things in their points shop, plus extra steps during the day is good for my health!)

washed my laundry

made a brain dump list for the remainder of the week

💞 Good Things That Happened:

I really like the dietitian I met with and have another appointment with her in 2 weeks

I really enjoyed using my new 40oz Simple Modern insulated tumbler cup

didn't let my stress breakdown make me go home, very proud of myself for sticking to my plans

went to sleep early

sold another item on depop!

I felt very reassured that I know the content that is going to be on my upcoming exam

the guy who makes sushi at my campus food court made sushi for me and held it until I went to get it so no one would buy it, i could've cried it was so nice of him

I drank coffee on campus and it didn't hurt my stomach for once!

💔 What Could've Gone Better:

need to put less pressure on myself

had some issues with food after my dietitian appointment (sometimes thinking too much about food can be triggering for me, tbh, but my goals are nutrient based which is helpful!!)

started crying before I went to bed because I was feeling oddly emotional (I think I'm starting my period soon)

had to turn down a work shift because I had too much school stuff and that appointment (I need the money so bad tho)

did not drink near enough water

need to be more patient and gentle with myself

also need to really figure out what's going on with my priorities, I keep struggling to do the things I say I'm going to do which is difficult for me to deal with sometimes

need to remember progress over perfection, 50% is always better then doing 0% of something

💗 Stuff For Thursday

clean my room

listen to a podcast episode

maybe do some more laundry

make a grocery list

clean my bathroom

therapy today over video call

reschedule a morning appointment

chemistry exam tonight

try to ship off the shirt I sold on depop

do some more planning and organizing for my life

that's all for now! Thursdays gonna be good. My exam is gonna go great! I have confidence in myself, and my knowledge and I know I've got this!

til next time lovelies 🩷

💕 Song of The Day: Baddie by IVE

Gotta remind myself of this sometimes <3

[nerdieforpedro]

Questions and Confessions

Chapter Two of A Safe Place for Us

Dieter Bravo x Aisha Smith (black plus size AFAB)

My entire masterlist and blog are for readers 18+ MDNI. I do not consent to my work being used in AI, recommended on TikTok, borrowed or plagiarized.

Summary: Aisha is firm on her plans on having a baby by way of a sperm donor. During a FaceTime call, Dieter is honest about what he really thinks.

Warnings: last time we're mentioning sperm donation I swear, pregnancy kink (I dunno where it came from and why it is still here, but yeah), mentions of cum, Dieter rumors

Word Count: about 1.7k

Notes: I dug in hard with the friends to lovers/idiots and love and there's one more trope we'll see next few chapters. 🤭 It starts next one.

Main Masterlist/ Dieter Bravo Masterlist/ AO3 Link

As an Oscar winner, one would think Dieter would know how to fake his way through most situations. 

“I need five shots of tequila to even entertain this conversation Aisha, especially with you calling me while I’m filming.”

“When else am I supposed to tell you? I didn’t want to tell you over FaceTime, but you’ve been avoiding me during this whole process. You said you would come with me. I’ve rescheduled twice already.”

An exasperated Bravo leans back in his rolling chair in front of the desk in his hotel room. He can’t keep avoiding it. He told Aisha he’d go with her, but has had press and such he’s been doing. Really they could have waited but in a very un-Dieter fashion, he jumped at the chance to do them. Much to his agent and manager’s surprise. That way he would have a legitimate reason for not going with his friend to a sperm bank. The more he thought about it, he can’t watch her thumb through binders of other men and pick one to be her baby’s daddy. Can he tell her that? Be honest? His therapist suggested he should be but he’s gotten no indications for Aisha over the years that she’s thought of him as anything other than a friend.

“I was doing some press stuff Ai. It’s not that I didn’t want to.” That was the entire reason, he’s lied again.

“I’m making another appointment and I’m going. I’m in my mid-thirties. I want a kid. And you just said you were filming.”

“Shouldn’t you have the kid with someone though? Like not even just for the making of, just as support for you and the baby?” Maybe he can talk her out of it, but she caught him in his lie.

“I haven’t found anyone good enough for that. That I would even want to be with long term, let alone have a child with. I’m not subjecting myself to shitty relationships anymore Dee. You know that.” He does know that, it’s why he knows in the last two years since that failed engagement, she’s dated but it’s been nothing substantial. Bravo’s proud of Aisha for that. Knowing her worth, but does that mean he wasn’t even a thought? A possibility?

“So am I not good enough? I wasn’t even considered? God I’d thought I’d been doing a hell of a lot better. Being sober and all. I could be a good father Aisha. Better then some asshole in a binder.” There was silence. Why wasn’t she still talking? Fuck…he said that aloud didn’t he? Welp, he can say he’s been honest now. He can’t look at her, she’s likely disgusted. Who thinks about putting a baby in their best friend and tells them like this?

“Dieter what do you mean?”

He says nothing. His hands are covering his face. It’s mortifying. So much more therapy. She got to hate him now.

“Dieter. Explain.” Aisha’s voice is stern. “Look at me please.”

He hangs his head as he places his hands on the desk. It feels cool, he’s not even wearing his robe and he’s burning up. Dieter feels like he’s on fire, he might be re-considering what he’s about to say, but he’s already gone this far. “I…could be your sperm donor.” He finally looks at her. She looks shocked, which is reasonable. Her arms are crossed, also reasonable. “I just don’t think you need to go through all these hoops and money when I’m right here Aisha. Ready and willing. I can give you a baby.”

She doesn’t say anything. Dieter’s scared that he’s lost her. Maybe she’ll tell him never to speak to her again. This was one relationship outside of his career he hadn’t fucked up. Now he had. He can’t come back from this.

“H-How would that work? What does it look like?” Is what he hears her ask. Timid. He hadn’t gotten that far. Now he has to improvise, is it still improv if he’s just honest? “I hadn’t thought of asking you Dee, you’ve never mentioned kids. You’re not less than. I just didn’t think you wanted anything to do with it.” Her assessment isn’t wrong. Dieter did not want anything to do with Aisha being pregnant by a sperm donor. Being pregnant by him? He wants everything to do with that. Too many dreams about rubbing her round belly and then picturing a small burrito wrapped baby on a bed between them. Him smiling because it’s better than all the blow, molly and Kit Kats. Though when able, he would have the kid start eating Kit Kats and he might even share.

“Well I wouldn’t want it to be artificial insemination. We would do it the natural way, though we’d keep track of when you’re ovulating. I could keep my schedule a bit more open or fly you out to me in case I just can’t leave. Then when you do get pregnant,” He left no room for ambiguity, his mission would be to get her pregnant. Dieter finds it best not to dwell on the getting her pregnant part. His eyes haven’t left her face and she hasn’t looked away. Maybe there is a small universe where this is okay. “We’d go to your appointments together and come up with a birth plan. You are going to need to be out of that studio apartment. I know you love it, but you and our kid are going to need more room. Maybe a townhouse or a single family home. I don’t know if you just want to have one or more Aisha. But I’ll be there through all of it. You shouldn’t be doing this alone.” Dieter pauses knowing this is a confession, but it’s gonna all spill out. “We’ll co-parent some smart goofy ass kids Aisha. Maybe they’ll even be into the arts like us. I want to give you that. You deserve the world, but I know you know that. Kit Kat.”

Aisha is crying. It had been difficult to reconcile that she’d be choosing single parenthood. But from incompatible guys she’s been meeting on apps and her traitorous fiance, it seemed like the only option. It’s not like she was blind to Dieter’s charms. They’re only friends, it’s what is best for him. When Dieter starts blurring lines, he gets into trouble. He’s healthy and she doesn’t want to take that from him. She could tell he hated the idea, but much like when she sat him down to watch Grantchester he suffered through it for her. But now he’s talking about an entire life together with her and it seems like he’s thought about it a great deal. Would she be able to just co-parent with him? And not have him to herself? She’s happy he’s willing but she can only accept him with other women now because he’s just her friend. Anything else and she wants him to have only her while he’s suppling the seed and support. He didn’t mention anything about love or a relationship romantically.

“Dieter I…It sounds wonderful but I can’t.”

“Why won’t you let me give it to you Aisha? I just said-“

She holds her hand up to the screen. “I can’t co-parent. I’d want you there. As much as I could have you. I’m selfish and using you like this would be so mean to you and to myself. I can’t. Thank you for offering it to me. Good night Dee.” Aisha says his name softly as she concludes the call. 

Turns out in all his honesty, Bravo forgot to lead with the most important part, the entire reason he painted such a picture of their lives wasn’t just because she wanted this. It’s because he loved her and wanted to share it with her. “I’m such a dumbass.” Lamenting, he calls his driver and offers him a grand to get him to her address. He needs to make it clear. Let her know why and also ask her if that’s what she meant by ‘I’d want you here. As much as I could have you.’

Aisha goes to take a shower and can’t sleep. It’s horrible. The life he mentioned sounds perfect. It’s what she would want, when she got out, she applied lotion to her sepia brown skin, curious when she rubbed her flabby belly what it would look like pregnant. “With Dieter’s kid…oh.” She felt it when he was describing their possible life, he didn’t take his eyes off her. The entire time she felt guilty for her arousal while he was talking, even before when he said he wanted to be her sperm donor. That alone went right to her clit. He’s her friend who’s trying to help her out with something she wants. Dieter’s always been generous with her. She shakes her head and puts on her nightgown and robe, normally she doesn’t wear underwear in the evening when home alone. She grabs some ice cream and plops down on the couch, turning on Dateline. It ends up just noise as her mind wanders back to less than an hour ago. 

Into part two of why this seemingly happy wife murdered her husband and ran away with his mistress, heavy knocks are at her door. “Aisha! Open up! We need to talk! Aisha!” Panicked, she rushes to the door and pulls him inside. Her neighbors like their quiet.

“Dieter you can’t just yell and bang like that?!” Aisha is now yelling and talks a moment to calm herself. “There’s nothing to talk about.” She retakes her place on the couch. Bravo sits next to her.

“There is and it’s the reason why I told you what our lives could be.” He turns off the TV and holds her hands. Aisha looks up at him, he’s making her arousal worse. “The only reason I would think this hard about having a child is because it’s you Aisha. I love you. I wouldn’t want to have a kid with anyone else. And I don’t want you having a baby with a man who isn’t me. I want to be the one to put a baby in you.”

Aisha stands, not letting go of his hands as she makes her way backwards to her bedroom. “Then we’re starting now, Dieter. You’re going to pump me full of cum. I’m ready, get those sweatpants off. I can tell you’re not wearing boxers.” If he’s willing then she’ll see if he can really have sex with her. Given the rumors about Dieter, Aisha has always been curious if they’re well founded or not. 

Now she’ll be able to find out herself if any of them are true.

Names in the binder:

@megamindsecretlair @soft-persephone @soft-girl-musings @rosecentaur1916 @westside-rot

@mysterious-moonstruck-musings @schnarfer @yorksgirl @guelyury @readingiskeepingmegoing

@survivingandenduring @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @gwendibleywrites @pascalsanctuary @yorksgirl

Chapter One. Chapter Three

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Had a hand therapy appointment today but I forgot to put the referral note in my bag and I just wanted to beat myself up so much.

Sometimes I'm like 'I don't have ADHD! My emotional reactions aren't that severe to really have RSD' and then the second I confirm I need my referral note for my appointment, I literally hit my head W my phone and imagine stabbing myself in the stomach repeatedly w forks. And it was so sudden and strong too.

I cried too but I know things are fine. Just rescheduled it for next week.

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

This is the second time our temp therapist cancelled on us.

For reference, the therapist we've been seeing was an intern who just graduated. December they did grad stuff & then had to reapply & do onboarding again. That means we had to see another intern in the meantime. We'll just use initials for privacy so let's call normal therapist K and temp therapist C.

C (she/her) is amazing at helping with depression, when she shows up. She has a lot of training on how depression is actually a trauma disorder and blew our mind when she changed our perspective on why depression does what it does. It's something one of our littles brought up in less sophisticated words. That's something for another post.

K (¿they/she? we're pretty sure & gonna ask when we get the chance) is amazing at helping us process trauma, and is extremely knowledgeable about ADHD and autism. They've been amazing at helping us realize when our disabilities are disabling us. They've also been very open to learning about D.I.D. to help us with it.

C was arranged to check in every week since mid December while K is unable to. The first check in was a phone call— totally fine, & they called us out 10mins in (“you laugh when you're uncomfortable or stressed. it's laugh or cry, ¿right?”). So we arranged an in person appointment (because the house we're in isn't safe so we prefer in person) & went to that one & it went well.

But the past 2 weeks C has called out sick, and we had to call and reschedule, but they're only available Wednesday & Thursday so we keep having to reschedule for Wed.

The problem with that is, we really really need therapy. Depression is at its worst in a while, and C-PTSD is back with a vengeance, and we're having relationship communication needs that we wanna run past a therapist, and...we just really need the fuckin appointments.

To be clear, I'm not angry at C for being sick. I'm upset because our therapy office *has other therapists*. They could assign someone else so we can get the help, and instead they called at 8am like ‘C is out of the office, call her office to reschedule’.

I decided to instead ask if K is back in the office & available. They were supposed to be available by early January. The front desk said they didn't know & sent me to the scheduling department, who didn't pick up. I left message to call me back.

Worst case scenario I have an appointment today to get medication (for ADHD & depression, hopefully) so I'll be physically in the office by 11am & can ask them then if K is back. But also. What the heck. :/

I was actually more worried it was the meds appointment being cancelled, which I had to schedule 2.5 months out. Therapy can be scheduled for the next week. But with the worry of not getting meds gone I'm still frustrated at the office for not being more considerate or helpful when I asked for other options.

I didn't get therapy just because; I really badly need it & not having an appointment every week is making me lose my mind. I have so much to unpack. It's not even that my routine is disrupted anymore. I just need someone professional to talk to before I explode, which was the point I got to before they assigned C (because 2 weeks without therapy does this to us; I'm overflowing and super not okay).

This is mostly just to get the swirling thoughts out of my system. I need to put it somewhere.

~Nico (he/they)

[regular-lord-reckoner]

hello !!

it is i, back to haunt this tumblr before spoopy season slips away, wooOOoooOOO

anyway, hi there, just thought i'd give a little update on me and what i've been up to.

i'm....ok ?? i guess ??

i feel more like myself, anyway, but still having a hard time most days, especially because i'm pretty sure i can feel myself sliding into burnout again but i'm doing my best !!

i still haven't been back to therapy yet, mostly because i'm trying to decide if i want to attempt to go to at least one more session if nothing else to clear up whatever remaining money i may owe her or if i should just move on. i feel a bit snubbed but at the same time i do still owe her for the work she's done so far and i don't think it's that much left anyway, but i've just kinda had to sit with that, "huh, okay then," feeling for a minute. i dunno, i guess we'll see.

if nothing else i think i'll probably find a new one at some point anyway because i feel like i'd kinda hit a wall with her and especially after her not reaching out to me to reschedule and only giving me the option of calling her to make an appointment (you literally work with all neurodivergent clients and you yourself also are, what are we doing here??) i'm not sure i really trust her anymore so oh well. that's part of it, i guess. you try some and they don't work out, but i do want to try again because i do think it helped so we'll see !

in the mean time, though, i've been keeping busy. lately mostly in preparation for a wedding that took place at my house this past weekend !!

it was for the daughter of someone my mom and i know from work and we've always loved them and their family so with how fucking expensive everything is these days we let them just use our place to get hitched and everything went off perfectly !!

and although i don't know them super duper well, i do think they're going to be a very good couple and their wedding was absolutely beautiful. we have this little clearing in the woods that as soon as you step into it it's almost like you're in another world and especially at this time of year it's really magical with the leaves changing and everything so for weeks leading up to this they've occasionally come out to clear things out and get it set up the way they wanted and it ended up being pretty simple, but still very beautiful.

i also got asked to be the person who fluffed out the bottom of her dress before she walked down the aisle and i also carried the train of her dress so i was actually the only person with her before the ceremony began and i hope i did a good job of calming her nerves beforehand. in any case, she did great, they both did great and it was one of the best weddings i think i've ever been to, so yay !! i hope they live happily ever after and all that !!

although admittedly i am glad the day has now passed so that i can work on some other projects around the house, namely my own shit.

i keep saying i'm gonna tackle my mess and donate some clothes and all that, but then i end up having to clean out the room the water heater's so a repair guy can come in or clean out the laundry room so a repair guy can come in or or or

there's also just me taking on more and more responsibilities now that it's just me and my mom, like yesterday for instance.

we decided instead of us trying to fool with putting the pool cover on ourselves we asked some guys from the place we buy some of our pool stuff from if they'd come out and do it and they said sure so that was all good and well but my mom decided she wanted us to have the water be tested beforehand to see if we need to add anything to it which....i feel like we haven't done in the past but i said i'd do it so i did (or tried to anyway)

wouldn't you fucking know it, the pool store we go to was closed !!! apparently they're closed every wednesday but i didn't realize that until i was at the gas station getting some gas and was going to pull the address up on my gps because i couldn't quite remember where it was so that was....fun

i thought i was going to be smart, though so i pulled up another pool place not too far from there that i remember us going to before so i thought surely i could just take my sample over to them and they'd be able to tell me what i need

well.............. evidently the benefit of going to the place we normally go to would have been that they already have all our information on file, including how many gallons it is, which....y'know, they kinda need to know in order to recommend any sort of treatment

and me being me and notoriously bad at guessing the size of things, i wasn't sure and didn't even want to try to guess because i knew i'd just sound like an idiot so i apologized and was ready to just take my water and leave but the guy was nice enough to still run it and said it looked fine, he just couldn't really recommend anything without knowing the size but that if i did figure it out to call and let them know, well, by that point i would have run out of time so i just thanked him and scurried out of there

and i know it's a silly thing to be upset about, especially with everything going on, but i think the thing that really got to me and made me cry on the way home was that this was a scenario where normally i could have just called my dad

my mom was busy at work and i didn't want to bother her, but like....my dad was retired, chances are he would have been at home, asleep in front of the TV with our dog in his lap. and truthfully, he probably would have just gone to the pool store and handled it so that i wouldn't have to clock out for a few hours which meant i had to work later yesterday just to get all my hours in

it's just been stuff like that, where over and over again i'm realizing, "oh, right....yeah" and i just....miss him. a lot.

especially now because in another turn of events, i uh....i guess my mom's dating now? kinda?

she said it wasn't anything serious and like....that's whatever, it's her life, she deserves to be happy, i just can't help but feel conflicted about the whole thing and have really been trying to sit with it for the past few days.

on the one hand i obviously just want her to be happy and i kind of knew on some level that this would probably happen, that she'd at least try it out and i can't say i blame her, she's pretty much only been in like...two serious relationships all her life, one of them being my dad so i get it. but on the other hand it's just kinda like....so, we're not gonna give therapy a shot? y'know that thing i've been more or less begging you to try for years now? we're just gonna.....hop into a relationship and that'll make it all better?

i dunno. i guess i'm just worried because she's not always the best judge of character and can be easily fooled by people, especially when they really put on the charm and i just don't want her (or me by extension) to end up in some fucked up situation because of some asshole

it's also kind of frustrating to me, too because one of her friends who's egging this on is in one of the most toxic garbage dumps of a relationship i've ever seen and it's just like....that's who you're going to listen to?? someone who, i love very much, but in no way has their shit together and is very much only in this relationship because of that and that's whose example you're gonna follow?? okay !!!

i dunno. i've talked with her about it and have mostly just encouraged her to please be careful, please don't jump into anything too fast and please especially if you're going to do this please, please, please consider also doing therapy. i really don't think any relationship should be a substitute for the work a person needs to do on themselves, no matter how nice it may seem to have another person ~~fix you, it's just.....not possible. trust me, i've been trying to do it for everyone i love my entire life and it's never once worked. maybe i'm just shitty at it or maybe, just maybe, it's just....not possible for another person to reach into someone's head and do that interpersonal work for them. i dunno, call me crazy, but it's just been a wall i've been slamming myself into over and over and over again, especially with her and this is still where it's at so like....you tell me !!

but yeah, that's just really thrown me through a loop lately and admittedly, selfishly, in my private time i've had a few breakdowns about it because on a personal level i'm just....not ready for that.

even if it never gets to that point where i have a ~stepdad or what the fuck ever, i just don't know if i'm ready to see her with someone besides my dad and i'm sure if she does meet someone good who's good to her and really makes her happy i'll suck it up and just cheer them on but like....fuck if it isn't going to kill me inside a little

i dunno, i guess we'll see what happens. i guess also selfishly i'm just dreading the worst because i also feel like all of my life i've watched person after person after person that i love get into a bad situation because of a relationship and i know it's just part of life and maybe if i'd be a little braver it would happen to me as well, but it just sucks and i really don't want her to get hurt because if she was struggling before i can only imagine how much worse it might get if she gets with the wrong person or if it just doesn't turn out well for whatever reason.

ultimately, though, it's pretty much out of my hands. that was one thing i've learned from my own time in therapy is that i really shouldn't make myself be so responsible for other people's shit and not in that shitty twitter way of like, "nobody owes anyone anything!!" or whatever, but like.... i really have spent a good chunk of my life throughout multiple relationships trying to take on other people's stuff for them and i just....can't anymore.

it's not that i don't care, it's not that i don't want to see people succeed and be happy, it's just like i said before, i'm not physically possible of going into anyone else's head and messing around with the wires in there to make them connect in whatever way that will finally make someone else realize that they're loved already and really do mean something to me and to others

i feel like i've done a lot through my actions (and words) to try to convey my love, but beyond that point it's simply just not possible for me to make someone else actually internalize those things and overcome insecurities and hangups. i'll do the best i can, but there are just some thing that aren't possible for me to do and i've about wrung myself completely dry trying

so yeah, that's just some of what's been going on with me lately. just been a lot to process and a lot to deal with and on top of that, i also have two aunts that are in florida right now who i think just got their power back on yesterday so i'm glad for that and i'm glad they're okay but that was also just...kinda of a nightmare time with this past storm

especially because one of my aunts (i'll just call her aunt B and the other one aunt N since they're names start with the same letter), aunt B, initially made it seem like she and her partner were just gonna...y'know, ride out the storm. in their not-at-all-built-for-this-shit garage.

mind you, aunt N, who's been living in florida for the past 30 years and has ridden out every storm up until this point, actually decided to seek shelter further inland at the place she works at so it's like....hey, if she's going to take cover i think you two, who live even closer to the water, should probably like.....not just climb into a boat in your garage and wait for the waves to come get you or what the hell ever the plan was

they also had my mom all upset because B's partner was like, "we'll text you the bank information so you can have access" and shit like that and it's like ????? hey, can we not??? please??

they did end up getting in the storm shelter one of their neighbors has so thank fuck for that, but the cell service at that time was almost non-existent so between these texts were had to wait a long time and were both just losing our shit because we didn't know what was going on and it just...yeah

aunt N also said that when she got back to the neighborhood she had a break down because so many people's places were just destroyed and it was so incredibly devastating.

she thought initially that her roof was gone but it turns out it was the crumpled up remains of one of her neighbor's roofs that had blown onto hers so she's been trying to get them hooked up with some help to fix that

i gotta give it to my aunt N, too, because her work had only extended an offer to her to come seek shelter but she rounded up as many people in her neighborhood as she could, grabbed her cat and they all headed over to wait for Milton to pass

the other element of this is, i think part of the reason aunt B's partner was being that way about everything was because aunt N offered to come get them as well but because she still has a grudge against aunt N (for some shit she started, mind you !!!) she was just...y'know, gonna commit herself and aunt B to dying rather than accept aunt N's help

which just.....alright. fuckin' alright then.

like i said before, everyone please go to therapy. or just....something. because i've seen so many examples of what happens when you don't and you decide to make the world your enemy instead or flip on people who genuinely just want to help and love you and this is where it gets you. pulling stupid stunts like that and putting other people's lives at risk over petty fucking bullshit

and if anything, considering aunt N was the one who was wronged in this situation, i really think it was big of her to even extend that offer in the first place because i know that woman can hold a grudge but even in that instance was she like, "hey, i don't like this person but you're with my sister and i still love her so can we put this shit aside for a minute and just work together so nobody gets hurt?"

and the fact that aunt B's partner STILL hasn't budged is just....wild to me. like ma'am, you put a ransom style note in aunt N's mailbox calling her a cunt (once again over some shit YOU started) and you're really going to be like this?? during a natural disaster?? okay. whatever, man.

i'm just glad everyone's okay and i know aunt B and her partner were thinking about moving back up here anyway so hopefully they'll more seriously consider that instead of just sending my mom on a wild goose chase all over the place looking for perfectly good homes that aunt B's partner will turn down for bullshit reasons like "the yard doesn't have any mature trees" or what the hell ever

i guess we'll see on that, too.

in happier news, though, i get to see my nieces this weekend because one of them's having a little birthday party so that should be fun !!

i'm going to go to bed soon because i actually need to go buy her a present tomorrow as well as take the trash off and get some groceries so hopefully i find her something good !!

oh and they did come out to close the pool today which i'm always sad to see go but by the last few times i had gotten in there i couldn't feel my toes so i guess it's time and i'll have to find some other way to exercise

on the upside, though, i should have more time for other stuff i've been putting off because i'd been spending a lot of time out there just...trying to heal and shit so hopefully soon i'll get back to my puzzles and learning guitar and reading more books and all that jazz

and of course the closer it gets to halloween the better so i hope everyone has a wonderful spoopy season and are trying to find some enjoyment in whatever you can right now, especially if you love fall and hopefully you'll hear from me again before too long <3

[lucysweatslove]

The last two days have been really busy and tough. I’m so glad it’s over.

Yesterday I saw my PCP in the morning, and I think I already said that she was running so far behind I had to reschedule therapy. She basically confirmed what I thought already: hair loss from telogen effluvium, but I’m at the end of the heavy loss portion (pull test was negative). Lots can trigger it like stress or a high fever. Timing is right for stress related to school. The myalgias are most likely a combo of dehydration (I really can’t bring myself to drink enough fluids, and I know this) along with muscular tension (I have good strength and general flexibility when prompted, but I’m constantly tensed up- so it’s not that my muscles and fascia CAN’T but that I’m likely holding my body tightly). Since the really bad myalgias and allodynia mostly resolved back to low level myalgia with gradual worsening, I may have had an acute viral illness like influenza or something that made all of that transiently worse, but you can’t really diagnose afterwards (also, if lol if I did have influenza because I got my flu shot in September…)

She ordered some labs to check for muscle damage and any metabolic concern too, and I think she added D and iron on to it as well. But I haven’t come in yet because I haven’t had the time.

She ended up “prescribing” self care. Specifically, at least 20 min a day, 3 days a week, focused in muscular relaxation like gentle stretching or foam rolling. She said she could send referrals for PT specifically thinking the dry needling they do could help, and she’s happy to write a letter for therapeutic massage if I need that for insurance coverage (which, I don’t think I would). And I love that she is so willing to support me with those kinds of treatments. Reality though is that I don’t think I CAN make time for them on top of everything else. I’m at the hospital nearly every day anyway, so she was all “they can do it here” to convince me to try it (especially the dry needling), but I just can’t bring myself to spend an hour on a PT appointment somewhere in between classes and clinical stuff.

Also, I’m kinda sorta trying something new out personally in relation to the body discomnect. I downloaded Kinder World, thinking it would a great way to start doing smaller bits of more digestible self care… and I introduced myself for the first time ever identifying as a demigirl. I read about it for the first time a couple months ago I think, and it felt like it matched how I feel about my general gender and even some of my body disconnect, but I have a hard time with it… in my head it works well and I’m totally fine with it and feel like its a good descriptor, but I don’t know how other people will take it, or what they’ll assume I think or feel because of it. Especially because I don’t want to devalue or take away from the seriousness of anybody else’s marginalization or trans experiences. In my personal framework I’m still cis. I’m AFAB, and my my general presentation and what I’m comfortable with matches my gender assigned at birth to a degree. I love a lot of traditional feminine things like dresses and my long hair and doing my makeup, and I still use she/her pronouns in basically all situations. More so, I never particularly feel MASCULINE either. I just don’t feel totally binary feminine. Like the intensity of femininity is… low, even when I’m doing the “feminine things.” And I know many agender or non-binary people can identify with some femininity too- I’m not saying you have to identify as feminine or a girl to enjoy those things. But for me, it feels like the way I experience the disconnect from gender isn’t strong enough or all the time to say I’m NOT in any way a woman.

I kinda had this same feeling when I realize I was demi sexual too. I had no idea if that was actually part of LGBTQIA+ because a) asexuality isn’t always welcomed in that acronym, b) I’ve only ever dated men and as AFAB myself that feels like a “straight” experience and has come with privilege, and c) because I do experience attraction to my spouse, am I even welcome in ace spaces? My best friend who is bi and also has some non-binary feels (she/they last I heard) is like “I include you in queer” and reassured me all the time that pride is for me. I honestly don’t even know my romanticity at this point or if I’m capable of developing sexual attraction to women or non-binary or agender folk, because I’ve never tried to develop that connection. I’ve been with my spouse for 12 years, since I was 17. I never really explored that part of me, and I while I kinda want to know for my own knowledge, I’m really happy and fulfilled in my marriage and I’m not like, “tempted to explore and find out.” More so, I just realized recently that I honestly don’t know, and that feels also a little weird as I’m approaching 30. But yeah, having my best friend’s inclusion makes me feel more secure or valid or whatever. I’m more comfortable wearing my pride colors and generally calling myself ace spec too.

Anyway, I’m sure I’m overthinking the gender thing. When I shared the demigirl thing with my best friend when I first found, her response was like, if it feels like you then great, use whatever words and terms and pronouns you feel matches. I just sent them a message (she’s hopefully asleep) about it too. First person I officially told about it. Idk how I feel about vocally identifying as demigirl and she/they in anything other than an online game and to my best friend… and I guess here too but idk. I think I’m just worried that I’m starting to take up a space not meant for me. Idk.

[system-reset]

hey, listen, we missed therapy this morning and broke down on the phone when rescheduling the appointment. we're tired, and perhaps more importantly we're hungry but we can't eat because everything we have requires us to turn on the oven in our already boiling hot apartment. truly I am about to just put my phone down and sit in the shower under cold water until my body decides it's too cold, because it's really fucking hot rn.

if anyone can send us $10 or $20 bucks, please do. it doesn't get us much but we can at least get something safe to eat and like. a slushy or something.

I know we ask for help a lot, but honestly? here's a breakdown of our current situation:

we can no longer get groceries ourselves, instead having to order them which has additional expenses on top of the already expensive groceries. as such we currently have very little money left for this week and we honestly didn't even think about how stupid it was to order mostly stuff that needs cooking in the middle of summer.

we're not currently on our meds because of shit outside our control (it is true that it was at one point well within our control, but that is no longer true). this has resulted in a sharp decline in our mental health as well as our ability to remember things or think things thru or. yknow. actually function at all.

our chronic pain has been worsening over the last few months, and we've developed several other fun* little difficulties.

so... idk. I understand this is not great but honestly just. please.

*not fun at all, not sure if its the heat or our declining health but I cannot fucking breathe.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check In - September 27th, 2023 🎀

today was such an easy day for me, I am so glad that I’m taking yesterday thru Thursday for myself. I really need it.

🩷 What I Ate Today -

Breakfast - boiled chicken potstickers, shredded hash browns with ketchup, a cup of coffee

Dinner - spaghetti with meat marinara sauce and Parmesan cheese

Extra - 2 cups of coffee

not a heavy eating day for me as I haven’t had much of an appetite thanks to being sick. Might still snack on something tonight since there’s still time left in the day.

🩷 Personal Accomplishments -

Cleaned my bathroom a little bit

Did the dishes

cleaned the kitchen

Washed a load of laundry

Morning self care

morning guided journal entry

Rescheduled an appointment over the phone (I have severe phone call anxiety)

Reviewed Japanese goals for next month

🩷 Academic Achievements -

Passed chapter 8/9 Quiz for Nutrition class

Passed chapter 6 Quiz for Psychology class

Passed chapter 8 quiz for Cooking class

Duolingo/Busuu ~15 minutes

today was a pretty productive day despite the amount of time I’ve spent in my bed, I’m actually pretty proud of myself for doing so much despite this stupid cold I have.

🩷 Academic Goals for Tomorrow, Sept 28 -

Complete extended assignment for Psyc class

Complete lab report for anatomy lab

Complete assignment for personal finance class

Complete lifecycle chart assignment for nutrition class

Complete practical assignment for health and sport class

🩷 Personal Goals for Tomorrow, Sept 28 -

Work on drafts of content for RD Mentor #1’s instagram and send them to her

Clean bedroom/organize bedroom

Put away all clean laundry

Morning + Night guided journal

Morning + Night skincare

Therapy ? (Therapist might be doing a routine training so I’m not sure)

Study Japanese using apps (Anki, Duolingo, Busuu, Renshuu, etc) 15-30 minutes

Drink 1-2 liters of water

I’m going to definitely try to accomplish everything I have planned for tomorrow, I think it’ll make me feel better to get so much done. Most of my homework isn’t actually due until Sunday evening or Monday evening but I figure getting it done earlier will be better for when I get off work this weekend. I’m hoping to catch up and work ahead on stuff a little bit so that way I’m not struggling next weekend. I’m actually going to go see my boyfriend next weekend for about three full days, which I’m excited for because I haven’t seen him in person in three months. (Thank you 1000+ miles of distance haha)

that’s all for now!

til next time lovelies 🩷🤍

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #246

The physical therapy appointment that I missed yesterday was rescheduled to today. I saw the therapist that I am most familiar with - her name is D. But she had read the notes left behind by K, and now I guess she, too, theorizes that I've got some kind of weird torsion going on with my ribcage, likely brought on or exacerbated by trying to do mermaid training while having my chest tightly bound in my costume.

And… I know this is not something you have to worry about (since you do not have the body configuration for it), but… this sort of injury is why, I guess, people caution trans men to take proper steps to bind their chests instead of simply layering constricting clothing over their ribs. Improper chest binding, especially while doing vigorous physical activity, can seriously mess you up, holy shit. I'm not a trans man, but I'm sure that this advice also applies to mermaid folks like me who are just trying to prevent their chests from flopping all over the place while trying to swim.

See, the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome doesn't just affect my joints. It also affects everything else, like my ligaments - including the ones that are supposed to keep my boobs relatively in place. Those ligaments do not do their job, because they literally cannot, because they are made with "I Can't Believe it's Not Collagen" instead of the normal stuff. It's a pain right in the ass. Or… I guess in my case… a pain right in the ribs. ...Sigh…

...We discovered that the set of ribs on the right side of my ribcage, at the level where I used to tie the bikini of my costume, are not expanding forward when I breathe like they're supposed to. So, I was given another breathing exercise today to try to fix that. Doing it gives me a sharp, horrible pain that extends from my right armpit all the way down to the right side of my lower ribs. But it's not a pain that feels like walking on a sprained ankle; it's more like... a kind of pain that indicates something needs to pop or go crunch so that it can move properly. I wonder if that makes sense to you.

After physical therapy, I was in a lot of pain. Like... not the kind of pain where something is moving that shouldn't (for example, we shouldn't be moving sprained ankles), but the kind where things that haven't been moving for a long time are finally moving, and they're not used to it anymore, and so they're gonna scream about it. So I decided to go to Eggcellent to get a bubble tea. This time, I got a houjicha latte with rose syrup, tea jelly, and cream cheese foam. The lovely husband-and-wife duo who run this shop are testing a new bubble tea add-on called "sago" - these are like tapioca pearls, but they're made from a kind of palm tree. They're a lot smaller than tapioca pearls, and they have a bouncier texture. They put them into my tea as a surprise, because they know that I wanna try all their new stuff! I have a picture!!! Here!!

Sephiroth... they were so perfect!!! I liked them a lot!!! I can't wait until they're incorporated into their regular menu!!! I WISH YOU COULD TRY THEM!!! Oh my goodness!!!

I woke up feeling pretty empty today, but... after today's encounter at Eggcellent, I feel a lot less empty. I've been a customer of theirs for a long time; they know me well enough to understand that my support for them is unwavering, and that I will react to all their new things with genuine, unbridled joy. They know this thing well enough that they understood that they could surprise me with this, and that it would make me really happy. I feel incredibly grateful.

Also, the wife's mother, who occasionally helps them run their shop, came out from the back today, wearing a rainbow-colored shirt, and it was absolutely delightful. And... oh! Sephiroth, when she came out and saw me, her whole face lit right up, and the smile she gave to me was so radiant, and...!!! I don't know how to articulate the beautiful feeling that blossomed within my chest as a result. But I will say, it took some effort to avoid breaking down into joyful tears. Admittedly, it's a little difficult to avoid breaking out into those same tears as I write this now, ahaha~! 🥰🥰🥰

I guess... for context, it's nice to know that she can feel happy about seeing me, despite the language gap that exists between us. It's nice that she seems to know what kind of person I am, and that I'm someone who will try to support the business of her daughter and son-in-law. Although she doesn't speak English, we have had brief, simple conversations, with the wife acting as an interpreter between us. I've even had a couple of instances where I was able to clumsily say to her some greeting in Cantonese; the greeting I like to use when talking to people I am familiar with while I'm out and about is, "It's good to see you." I don't remember how it goes in Cantonese, though...

I guess the closest equivalent I can get to for that phrase in Japanese that is an accurate reflection of my intentions is something like, "Anata no koto wo miruno wa kimochi ii." But that's probably clumsy, too; I haven't practiced Japanese with any kind of regularity in a very long time...

...Someday, though, as impossible as it is, I hope I get to stand in front of you and say that to you. Somehow. Somehow...

Oh!!! I almost forgot!! When I went back to the car to do the rest of the errands I had planned, I noticed a hedge peeking out of some lattice, and I thought it looked neat. I thought that maybe you might also think it looked neat, so I snapped a picture:

I went to the grocery store after that to get some small items; nothing to write home about. And then after that, I went to a nearby craft store to try to get a different clasp for a pendant I've started wearing. The pendant is reflective of something that I believe to be a fundamental truth, both of my circumstances and of reality in general; its weight feels profoundly correct as I wear it. Unfortunately, the lobster clasp digs into the back of my neck. I sought a barrel screw clasp to replace it with, but they didn't have one in stock in the correct color. They don't know when they will have it in the correct color, so I simply decided to order one online after I got home.

It's 9:44. That means it's 44 minutes past when I was supposed to go to bed, because tomorrow I have to wake up at 5am in order to bring J to Great Barrington. Whoops.

...I had better stop writing and get ready for sleep.

Hey. I love you, and I'm over here cheering for you to heal and to be happy. So please keep yourself safe out there, okay? Please keep trying. Please don't give up.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[buntsuki]

Update!!

Groot is doing wonderful! I am in an extremely tough spot though. We’re going to have to adjust his chemo medication because we can’t afford the ecg he needs for them to feel safe giving him the rest of his doses.

We’re honestly okay switching to the other medication as it’s supposed to be less stressful on his heart. While still being a strong treatment option. The quote for that is $3k for the rest of those doses, with 4 other doses of different types with it. We’re estimating about $5k total. Which we just don’t have at this point. We have been denied for personal loans, CareCredit Card, Scratch Pay, Wells Fargo. My fiancée was approved for a $300 loan at 26.90% interest from Sunbit, which obviously isn’t worth it. We’ve reached out to every foundation we’ve seen, I’ve sent in to weratedogs, Paws4, BowWow and a few other ones I can’t remember the names of at the moment. We’ve all joined numerous Facebook groups to share. We’ve even gotten to a point where last week we asked long time neighbor/family friends (who are very well off) for the possibility of a loan with a notary and payment plan, they read the message and ignored us…we’ve never asked them for money (until last week for a loan).

So that’s it we’ve really exhausted what we can at this point. I’ve sold a few things but of course it’s not enough, the commissions have been super helpful though! Thank you so much! As well as thank you to everyone for sharing!! Shares help..I feel like we just need to get it into the right hands. Of course I’m still going to be doing commissions and selling what I can as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO FOR ME:

I’ve had a super busy week, I apologize if I haven’t gotten back to anyone with comm updates yet! I’ve had an appointment almost everyday this week for my own medical issues. Then Groots chemo, and I was meant to have an important doctor appointment tomorrow, but it was rescheduled. There was a mass shooting about 45 minutes away from me, the suspect is still on the loose so businesses are locking doors, and rescheduling appointments. -My absolute condolences to the victims and I truly hope he’s found soon.

I had electro current therapy AlphaStim on Monday and it ACTUALLY HELPED MY CHRONIC PAIN! Like surreal, I can do a couple in office visits that my insurance will cover. There’s an at home one Quell that I think would be life changing for me, but it’s $150 up front for the band and 2 replacement packs. Then it’s $25-50 a month per replacement pack. Which i obviously can’t afford while emptying everything to my name out on chemotherapy. (I would rather be in pain than let Groot down).

I appreciate the kindness and support/understanding right now! It’s a really tough time, especially after the hospital blow, and now hearing about the medication stuff. Gofundme in bio and on my profile as always, no pressure to anyone! Times are hard all around and I don’t want anyone exerting themselves for me.

Thanks for reading! I’ll get back to everyone asap! I have tomorrow free now to hopefully get caught up.

[propaganda-inc]

Tw: Depression Propaganda

I don't want, nor expect this to go anywhere. Actually, I kinda don't even know if this is a good idea to post this on here. But I have nothing to do, and it's better to put my thoughts on here rather than keep them in, or so people say.

I'm homeless. I'm not going to go into detail as to how this happened, because it's the Internet.

But it's hell. I feel like I've been dumped out on the world without a clue how things really work, and expected to fit in like the last puzzle piece everyone's looking for. I didn't realize, even during college, that my main goal was to survive, not live. Everyday since I've graduated high school, since I've graduated college, was to try and follow a road and path that was not for me. And every step I've taken since then has been on the wrong way. I thought doing an entry level job in my field would help me figure out where I needed to go. It just made me a drunk, a cynic, and more depressed than I ever thought I could be. I thought moving might help, and put me in a place where I could help others in a better way. That just made me even more stressed out, and even drunker. After all this, I know I'm damn lucky. I'm homeless, but I'm safe. I can get the basic stuff I need. I'm even in a training program. I have some friends in real life I can talk to. But I'm empty. Totally hollow. When I'm not at work, all i do when I get home is the exact damn thing- watch TV, go on my phone. Nothing gives me joy anymore. I can't even play video games anymore, because I just don't have the urge. The past week has been me taking melatonin just so I can sleep during the day so I don't have to go through the whole day awake. I can't get myself to get a hobby, because I don't have the energy or urge to do anything anymore. Interests aren't acted on. The only time I feel like I have emotion is when I have to fake it for others. Hell, I have an idea for a video that I'd love to make. But like everything, I think that "yeah, I have no experience nor any idea what I'm doing." Then the urge vanishes. Everytime. Just like everything else.

I've started to be called a Doomer. I see it, I get it. When you think that the world has 20-30 years of normalcy before all hell breaks loose because we can't agree on whether or not plastic in the ocean isn't a really good idea, some people don't particularly want to be told that.

But what the hell do you want me to think when I've spent time learning just how little of a fuck most people do/can give about a world that is quite literally burning before our eyes?

Look, I'm trying to do the things that people say are going to make things better. I've set therapy appointments. I'm trying to take care of my body. I'm trying to take care of my head. But having no money makes some of that hard. Getting appointments rescheduled the day before because your healthcare system is dogshit doesn't help that. Neither does living in a world where you question your existence as much as others like to deny it. Ah, oh well.