#dysthymia

[studywgabi]

Dysthymia

You perpetually have a cold. Except, no one knows that you have a cold, so everyone thinks this is just who you are.

And, you’re not going to die from it. It’s not cancer or anything. You just don’t feel good. You don’t feel like yourself. You just feel tired. You don’t feel like doing anything.

And, you’re taking DayQuil, but it doesn’t do anything.

And you just want to let your body rest so it can get over this cold. But you know that you’ll never get over the cold, so there’s no point in resting. And you couldn’t fall asleep anyway.

And there’s no one there to take your temperature by kissing your forehead or bring you soup. So, you have to bring your own hand up to your forehead but you think you’re probably just biased because it just always feels hot to you, so how would you even be able to tell the difference? And you don’t feel like you can cook right now.

And you have to wake up tomorrow. And you can’t. But you will.

[feelingthemode]

disability pride month userboxes part 2/5

posted these on insta throughout the month :3

[aashiyancha]

Well, y'all know the drill. When i get really into a game I gotta express that love through doodles so here's the gang in their pre/early teens!

[dorianbrightmusic]

Having depression is inherently depressing.

That is – when every tiny task is utterly exhausting, it's pretty frustrating. When you once weren't exhausted by these tasks – when you know you used to be someone else – that's downright devastating. When you're wondering whether you're going to get that energy back and not knowing, that's also exhausting.

When you are feeling inherently more stupid because depression has cognitively ruined you, that's embarrassing and confusing and so upsetting. When you are unsure whether you will ever get your old cognition back, that's terrifying. When you do not, in fact, ever return to pre-depression baseline, that's just exhausting.

When you are numb, trying to go through the motions of happiness; sadness; fear; frustration; and phatic interest is so, so tiring. When you cannot effectively perform these emotion states, it is embarrassing and isolating.

When you are too tired and too numb to be social, you are alone.

'What do you have to be depressed about?' Well, this disease is inherently giving me something to be depressed about. And it's very easy to want to cling to that, because at least it's an answer.

And frankly, I think folks who haven't gone through depression may not understand that oftentimes, recovery from a bad episode is kinda piecemeal. My cognition, my disposition, and my capacity for optimism are all substantially altered from where they were pre–depression. I cannot take the person I used to be for granted, and I cannot take the beliefs I used to hold as gospel. Even when I'm not depressed, depression has altered most parts of my life and thoroughly warped my sense of self. I cannot safely believe in baseline happiness at this point.

I'm not saying this to complain, but to make a point. Depression alters your life in ways that, even outside of a depressive episode, give you things to be depressed about. It can completely ruin your sense of who you are, what your world is, and what your future holds. It makes it that much more tempting to believe in the depression narrative of loneliness and helplessness, and it makes those narratives subjectively very real. All of this makes the depression (should it return) and its consequences (however monumentally they've carved into your life) so much harder to deal with.

[dyingroses]

[sourliartdump]

doodling some faces rather than sleeping whoops!

[oshidorifuufu]

i think a life like mine will just fade away

[schizoid-hikikomori]

I wonder what I'm made of.

I'm so desperately suicidal every day I know that I exist.

These empty claims of "things will get better", "suicide isn't the answer", "you would be missed", other shallow sentiments .... I don't understand how people could be reassured by things like this. I've heard these and similar statements so many fucking times throughout my life and they're so impersonal and they lack nuance.

They're no better than a greeting card produced en masse in a factory to be then bought by people who want to look like they care.

I know I will be missed, the same way I know I'm "not alone" and "other people struggle with the same things". I know it's true and it doesn't change anything about how I'm feeling. People will be sad about my death no matter what, there's nothing I can do about that, who cares. That's just how it is. I was never going to be the only one on earth, but god damnit if I'm not the only one in my immediate vicinity to be a suicidal schizoid crow. That's just how it is.

I've recognized the impersonal sentiments long before I came to be what I am now, and I make a visible effort to avoid them. They don't help. Caring for someone means saying things that pertain to their situation uniquely. That's how they know you care and that you're paying attention. "You're not alone" is an empty sentiment and your suicidal friend isn't stupid enough to not see through it.

As far as I'm concerned, things aren't getting better for me, which I've known subconsciously for a long time.

[paper-cities]

"Can we keep them, Sol?"

[twidiarie]

losing a hyper fixation is worse than a breakup, I think

Not that I've ever experienced a breakup, but I imagine it is

It's like having a piece of your soul being ripped out. 

Something you considered another piece of glass making up a mosaic

Unceremoniously chipped off with a palette knife

And it leaves behind a hollow, pore

And if the soul  is anything like rock,  more pores result in

More erosion

You desperately search for that spark again

Wait for someone else

You might try going back to your ex to make things work

But it's never a good idea because it'll never be the same

You might get lucky, but you'll most likely have to move onto

A new passion

A new lover

Unfamiliar 

Sometimes you fall fast and it's exhilarating and a rush of endorphins and dopamine and all the happy chemicals bounce around in your cranium like arcade pinball game

it's all encompassing, sustaining

but inevitably as everything,

it will perish 

because that is a truth of the universe 

all creations must die, and so will all thoughts and ideas birthed by those creations, some day

being hollow is agonizing 

it is painful, a deep ache that will persist

no matter how many times you try a slap a bandaid on,

like by temporarily pleasuring the taste buds and your olfactory systems with the delicacy that is strawberries and sharp cheddar. colors and explosions of flavor coat the expanse of your tongue and your throat. scents swirl, perfumes diffuse into the enclave of your mind,

or by temporarily pleasuring the eardrums with mind numbing, upbeat, soulless pop songs. dancing and prancing about in your pajamas, staging silent concerts with empty, invisible seats with empty, invisible people,

or by temporarily pleasuring the hands with making crafts, hastily slapping colors onto paper to try and create something, anything,

or by temporarily pleasuring the eyes with the art that exists already, outside, inside, in existing.

the fleeting desires of the mind cannot satisfy the needs of the soul.

the grief of passion. 

going through all five stages accompanies alongside it exhaustion.

and hope

hope that you'll stumble upon yet another lover

to bring back the colors in life

to revive feelings of whimsy and fantasy

to replace that piece of glass chipped off the mosaic

to slow down erosion once again

to keep the soul whole.

[lastsecondsquirrel]

NORMALIZE VOICING HOW HOPELESS LIFE FEELS WITHOUT FEAR OF INSTITUTIONALIZATION

[elvexen]

[At a zoo]

Sol: So what are they in for?

Dys: This isn't a prison

Sol: So can they leave?

Dys: Well no but-

Sol, pointing at a hopeye: I bet that one killed somebody

[mymusingsaftermidnight]

I'm not gonna lie. Its really annoying that persistent depressive disorder is like... Persistent

[silverlyrics]

Functional Depression be like:

These are your tasks for the day:

- go to work

- prepare your meals (can be supplemented by ready-made food, comes with negative debuff of Expense)

- do your laundry

- wash your dishes

- do your school work

You may only do these tasks at 0.5 capacity. Some tasks can be canceled for more capacity given to other tasks.

Unavailable tasks:

- clean bathroom

- most hobbies

- vacuuming (has been unavailable for several months)

- grocery shopping

- homework (assignment due in five days)

- talk to friends

- thoughts

[biscuit-bucket]

inspired by my recent art

[devtheratwrites]

i should never be allowed to play dating sims, i only go for the same character multiple times.

I'M LOOKING AT YOU, DYS.