#I really do wanna fix it though
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in the 17 days I’ve been college free I have like. completely reversed my sleep schedule I’m COOKED. going to bed near 5am every night then waking up near 2pm if I’m not forced awake by someone ringing my phone (more often than not I am indeed forced awake)
#I be so mad like WHOS CALLING ME IM TRUING TO SLEEP HERE !!!! (it’s past noon#I think I need to like. pull an all nighter to flip it back#but. I need. energy drink for that for sure#I can’t stay up without caffeine like I used to..#but the problem is ..#NO MONEYYYTY AUHGHGHGHHHH WAHHHHHHH#I really do wanna fix it though#I miss mornings .. :(#they’re so peaceful and beautiful and warm#shining and cozy#hollowspeak
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Pspspsps hello our lord in savior have you happened to watch Whitepine :]
- 🍄 anon
hello, my child. no, i haven't yet, actually. it's on my watch list, but i haven't gotten around to actually watching it yet. i most definitely will, though!!
#soon maybe#my pc is dead and im not sure when it will get fixed#hopefully tomorrow its 5 am#i really do wanna watch whitepine though it looks so interesting#also ive seen some familiar faces in it and im sooo curious
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I haven't been able to stop playing Terraria lately. Today, I spent the entire day renovating my base into a giant tree that's based on the iconic Terraria tree
#terraria#I would've made it taller but then I would've gone out of range of the village#I probably could've added the zoologist & golfer to the tree to fix it but I didn't feel like it#well...maybe I will. Some other time though#though I really really really don't wanna have to do the canopy all over again#regardless I'm pretty happy with how it turned out
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I went on a walk with my dad
#I’m so so so so so sorry that I keep complaining I’m really sorry if it’s annoying or bothersome or anything ask me to take this down and I-#-will; I don’t wanna bother anyone :(#But I went on a walk with my dad and after a bit of talking we somehow got to the topic of conversation on how me and H butt heads a lot#And the way he said made me feel like I was the problem and that because I am older I NEED to be the bigger person every time#And I told him I didn’t want to have to be the bigger person because I didn’t like how immature she is and he just deflected it saying that#-I’m going to need to because I’m older and more mature#He also said that I’m the one who’s always defensive or picking out the fight when that isn’t true#I don’t want to fight with her; I HATE fighting with her#And geez it’s making me feel like I’m always the problem and I’m the reason why we argue so much#That I’M defensive and immature when I know I’m not#He says I need to be more gentle with her and not expect her to get pissy and defensive bit i only do that(if i do that at all) because she#-yells and snaps at me for no reason so often! I expect her to act that way because it’s how she always acts with me!#I’m not that immature right?#And he says I need to put in the effort to fix it even though she probably won’t do the same#Why do I have to fix it? Why am I responsible? It’s not fair!#I don’t want to be the cool headed mature and bigger person every single time#If she hurts me with her words I should be allowed to make that known without her yelling at me!#🌾#again I’m really sorry for complaining to whoever may be reading this#It’s silly I know#I’m just dramatic I’ll get embarrassed for posting this soon enough and delete it#I don’t know why I’m like this :(#I don’t like it#Geez what’s wrong with me
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definitely feeling overdramatic right now, but i am SO overwhelmed from the stress of that trip and everything that happened before it and everything i have going on between now and the end of the year, that i would like to not interact with a single nother person for two weeks minimum.
#irl… online… anything#i honestly think that would fix me#i just don’t wanna see ANYone#i am soooooooo unhappy#like. not to be a huge baby but i really need support rn and instead i’m supporting everybody else#i am completely at the end of my rope though#i didn’t know it was possible to be THIS done#just completely burnt out… i finally got there!#but instead i have to do fucking Thanksgiving tomorrow#and then work and do TWO programs on Friday#and then drive to North Carolina for the concert. and drive back#and it’s just like. Man.#i REALLY can’t live like this#and do you KNOW how much i still need to get done before the end of the year?????#and i’m going to another concert next Thursday#and then i have a bird walk on Friday#and a Christmas party on Saturday#and ANOTHER bird walk on Sunday#just AHHHHHH. UGH UGH UGH#and that’s not even discussing regular work and SCHOOLWORK and volunteer shit#just fuck#i’m so done#don’t wanna do anything… don’t wanna see anybody#i just want to move away and never speak to anyone again#fuck
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lost vocation: fish
#just me hi#i am fresh from the shower helloooo world hfbsh#wanna go swimming again before it gets real cold.. i love you lake lol :)#reed doesn't like lakes and i kiinda get it; the depths and the unseen yeya#but there is also something comforting about being in something very large and very heavy. it's all the right pressure n i like it :>#pools are Not the same and simply cannot match up </3 also they're so hard to breath around so Lol#hot tubs have it out for me i dunno what i did but they are displeased about it#Okay i just remembered the heavy chlorine smell usually comes from a lot of urine in the pool so that's uh. hm#also i have nearly drowned in more pools than lakes so that too hghfshvk#for most of my life i was shorter than i am now. and pools give you that false sense of security like 'oh sure i can touch the bottom i'm#good :D' and then that's when it GETS ya. bfhsv#lakes are not lying to you though they Will get ya. but they're nice about it <3#the only thing i really have a problem with in lakes aside from the obvious drowning risk is. The Creatures#fish have nibbled me more than i am happy with lmao :(#like if i had a nickel for every time it happened i would have more than 1 but i'm not really sure how many hfbvsh#the first time it happened was AWFUL it felt like someone Scratching their fingernails on me and HOUUUU#first time that happened i genuinely thought there was some funkin Thing gonna get me in the waters lmfsvhf <3#i do like the dragonflies though even if they make my skin kinda itchy when they land :D they like to chill and i just float around instead#of doing anything so we're good friends lol :3#//anywho i'm kinda tired; been sorta fixing my sleep schedule but i got like Turbo Anxiety for a couple days a lil while ago and it messed#that up a bit but i'm getting it back on track hgfhs >:3#mysterious turbo anxiety comes in the middle of the night and whacks at unsuspecting victims.. honestly quite rude i think we can all agree#//okay wells i gotta go rn :) maybe i'll do somethin.. who knows!#poking myself with a stick ; we'll get something from this eventually hfshfv#toodles toodles !!
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...
#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair
Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!
#speculation nation#negative/#um. not hoping i have liver disease but the blood tests blatantly state that it's not working entirely right.#not like major enough to be an immediate health emergency. or else my doctor probably wouldve called me#rather than referring me to radiology.#im just hoping that it's something easy to treat. it really would be so nice for my problems to be fixed like that.#and im mentioning it in conjunction with the fatigue just bc it can cause fatigue. ya kno.#probably is a good thing i caught it this early whatever it is.#like maybe it's Not fibromyalgia. but the fact that i pursued diagnosis for fibromyalgia spurred the blood tests#which alerted my doctor to the abnormal liver enyzmes.#if i hadnt pursued diagnosis who knows how much longer this wouldve gone on like this...#so! im still not happy to be doing a Fucking ultrasound for my liver. but. if it means catching whatever this is early#then like. it'll be worth it. doubly so if it does end up fixing my fatigue problems.#or even just some of them. i dont even need to be at 100% of what others can do#i just wanna be able to do half an hour of chores without feeling like im going to collapse 😭😭😭😭#it's really very troublesome. my life would be so much easier if i had the energy to do more than one thing per day.#(and if i do more than one thing i end up nearly bedridden the rest of the day. like today lol.)#im just trying to look on the bright sides so i dont start freaking out again about my liver not working right.#ultimately. even if i dont feel amazing. i dont feel all that different from how ive lived the past decade of my life.#or at least the most recent years. i kind of feel like my chronic pain has gotten worse. maybe fatigue too.#though i do know ive been dealing with both for however long. idk. might be recency bias. who knows.#ANYWAYS. im not actively dying. so i'll live to my appointments. and then i will hope it's smooth sailing from there.#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)#(god why is my luck always so bad)
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Can I say something really controversial… i don’t think hacking your 3ds is necessarily worth it
#🍎#im going to be stoned over this SORRY#i just think unless you have veryyy specific and intentional plans for what you are going to do with a hacked ds then the potential risks#outweigh the costs. in my personal experience even if you follow instructions perfectly it can still cause errors on physical cartridges#which are really difficult to fix without fucking up the cartridge worse. just my experience though#if you wanna pirate use a computer running an emulator it is not worth messing with the ds. imo
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I don't know if it's rude to ask, so apologies in advance if I sound mean, but… how come you repeatedly bring up old posts of yours from three or more years ago? Do you remember each original post you make and intentionally bring them back? Like, I don't think there's anything wrong, your blog can be whatever you want, obviously, and your stuff is always funny or curious in some way, just… I'm kind of lost as of how it came to be, I guess? I don't think I remember my own posts after 6 months, much least if I have to go back to 2020!
ahaha no it's usually just because i'm going back through a tag looking for something else! i recently went back through my entire "my posts" tag (which contains...1468 posts, dear lord) and while i was doing that saw several posts that i felt like reblogging for whatever reason. so it's usually not that i remember them and go looking for them on purpose, it's that i come across them incidentally in the course of doing something else.
if you want to know why i reblog them after coming across them, 1) usually i don't! you are seeing the tip of the iceberg lol, and 2) it's mostly because it's hard to resist the "sooo true, bestie" urge, even when the bestie is just...yourself.
#sometimes...things that are written by me...are things i agree with#but oftentimes they are not once a few years have passed lol. i mean i just looked at 1468 posts by yours truly#and queued probably 1% of them#oh i also went through my asks tag which was another 500 or so posts#if you want to know why i'm putting myself through this it's for a really ridiculous reason#namely: several nights ago i had insomnia brought on by (get this) being too excited to sleep because my brain wouldn't stop#coming up with crosslinguistic french/english puns#and a couple of them in particular i was like oh god this would be a great tumblr username!#however as i've said before i had no plans to ever change my username (even though i don't like it)#because doing so would break any links that contain my current username#i had resigned myself to just living with this username forever. but once i thought of some usernames i actually like#it became harder to resist the urge to change it...#so now i have this convoluted plan to try to identify and tag as many of the links as i can#so that after i switch names i can go back and fix the links#however i'm not sure how feasible this is. there are a lot of links#and no matter what i do short of going through all 45k posts on this blog i will be bound to miss some of them anyway#(i think getting a domain would solve this problem but i don't wanna get a domain bc i'd have to give wordpress my legal name)#indecisive superhero meme w the buttons 'the need to have punny username' vs. 'the need to be able to find things on my blog'#asks#anon#actually anon probably the majority of the time i rb something i wrote 3 years ago it's bc i forgot about it#i come across it and am like oh yeah! this! and it's like a brand new discovery so i put it back on the dash lol#anyway thanks for your ask! i got a kick out of it 😂
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God that reminds me I was writing this longass reply to when you were comparing MineDai to AraSawa and part of it was basically like. Hear me out but While I've Concluded MineDai Should Not Be Parents For Various Reasons… If they were. Non-zero chance the kid could plausibly turn out like Masato 😭😭😭like spoiled and entitled “wait ’til my FATHER(S) hear about this” nepo baby who can’t connect with either dad and actively resents at least one while taking advantage of their familial ties and living a life of (financial) privilege just sounds about right I'm sorryyyyyyyyy
So it was funny to me because just as AraSawa is MineDai With Dads… perhaps MineDai is AraSawa Without Kids… and AraSawa is the alternate, still-doomed timeline…
its only natural that if arasawa is Minedai But Dilfs then minedai inversely is Arasawa But. One Of Them Sees Red Around Happy Children
#snap chats#BUT SOOOO true that baby WOULD be masato adjacent tho... its in the cards...#only i imagine that kid's resentment towards mine is like. actually justified probably#i said it months back but i always think that if mine WAS a dad he'd be a lot like my mom#though somehow probably like. 2% calmer. he doesnt yell at you but he will make you feel inadequate about everything you do#money can fix whatever damage he does right <- it will not and in his soul he knows that but he wont acknowledge it#and why should he i mean its just a kid right. //screaming//#OK BUT ALSO DOUBLE FUNNY i thought of making a stupid meme chart of my first impressions of arakawa/sawashiro#vs how id feel bout them throughout the game and then just. The Conclusion Being 'this is minedai but with dads'#as a comedic super simplification of course. theres layers. but also lol#THE FACT THAT SOMETIEMS I DO FIGHT WITH MYSELF ON IF I WANNA EXECUTE AN IDEA WITH MINEDAI OR ARASAWA#IS REALLY FUNNY. theres differences tho dont be fooled.. its not a perfect mirror but its close enough to be hilarious#ive talked way too long ANYWAY. do not let mine around kids hes going to give them trauma just by talking to them#id trust daigo with a kid tho. hes proven he can take care of them..... what a king...#he reads as someone who'd be a lil awkward bout bein a dad tho but now im gettin too into it
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Trying to fix my resume ☝️🤓 Small problem: I sound like a loser no matter what
#not really lol. I have a lot of experience in this field#for someone my age anyway#but like. idk 😭 I wanna get out of journalism I HATE journalism#I’m applying for publishing internships and idk I just wish I had more publishing experience….#a lot of my extracurriculars are music related and idk if I should include them or not#just to fill space ig#bc I have only ever had one singular job#and one other piece of experience as editor in chief#idk maybe I just feel this way bc I’m using Harvard resume templates#and so I’m seeing everything that’s on a Harvard student’s resume 😭 like damn. I hope they’re not applying for this internship..#it’s based in NYC so I doubt I’ll get it? but like? idk how many applicants they get??? hm#there are also lots of different internships with the same company all listed rn so idk#I have until the end of the month to fix this shit hehahah#hopefully my cover letter will better demonstrate my relevance to this position#bc all of my journalism experience feels kinda irrelevant on paper. editing news is VERY different from editing communications research lol#ellyposting#🤓posting#<- kinda. it’s about work not school but I did start doing this (researching internships) for a class#and now I’m kinda invested bc I need an internship in the next year anyway… I could get it over with over the summer#idk. if I get a job this summer I will make a job tag like. jobposting. workposting. perhaps hellposting if it sucks really bad (again 🥲)#that’s why I’m scared of another internship. even though the last one was paid and so is this one… people are straight up abusive to interns#😅😅😅😅😅 AUGH. SCREAMS PUNCHES WALL etc#okay goodnight :3c
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wabna learn chess and solitatire simply bc i think itd amke me hot
#I SUCK BADDD#SODOKU TOO AND EVEURJTING..#I MEAN I GUESS I COULD LEARN IT IF I TRIED#HAVE THAT SORT OF HIDDEN POTENTIAL#but really theres so much to remember i guess#and people get hella up their ass#SO IDODNTKNOOOWW#i wanna do SOMETHING though#i rmemebr people woild make bracelets and stuff ive done rhat#cant find the kit tho......... plushie fixing didnt work out and when i wanted to make slime there wasnt any supplies for it#DID I EVER TALK ABT THE TIME I TRIED TO MAKE ICE CREAM WITH LYERALLY ONLY CHCOOALTE SYRUP AND ICE AND WATER (???)#was set on making it work since we were running out of icecream i was so sad
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she's finally done! yippee
#bobtalk#my art#<-once again...Technically#figura mod for minecraft btw. the shader is sildur's vibrant#well. most of the work was done Forever ago i just decided today to 1. port her to a newer version of the mod#(which was a bit of a pain because they changed A Lot about how things work. had me losing it a little but i DID IT!)#and 2. fix up her textures a tad...im still not the best skin maker but well. i think its good enough...!#(lots of details got lost (see: her mask) but i didnt want to go above minecraft's texture resolution lol)#the model is pretty vanilla. i just added a toggleable mask and her ponytail and coat tails NEITHER OF WHICH CLIP!!#i think i liveblogged doing that a bit forever ago? but that was hard work <- very little experience <- but that's part of the fun#anyway. i made her even though she's not my Favorite (i do love her tho) bc i thought she'd be a good starting point with her#extra stuff i'd have to work with#also she should theoretically work fine in multiplayer (for the mask change n stuff i set up the pings) but i cant. really. test it. so..lo#might put her up for download at some point. someone might get some use out of her...? shrug#next...i wanna make akc.....hehe ^_^#...mask might be hard for that one.#(if i was ever gonna revisit this model id consider adding a hair down toggle but i think im done with her for the time being lol)
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Holy fucking shit the dysphoria is dysphoria-ing right now. I feel physically nauseous oh my fucking god. I’m gonna fucking kill someone maybe myself rn I’m gonna lose my shit holy hell.
Doesn’t help that I’ve been incredibly overstimulated the past few days every sound is like a fucking cheese grater in my ears oh my god.
#dysphoria#gender dysphoria#sensory processing disorder#tw emetophobia#for the nausea mention#idk if that’s needed or not#but yeah I’m about to tear off my fucking skin and jump off a building I am losing my fucking mind#it’s so over#lmao my brain is fucked i genuinely wanna off myself over this shit#and my mother keeps refusing to even entertain the idea of getting my name changed on the school role#even though all my teachers and friends call me Alex and that’s what I’ve been going by for a few years now#and it would make things significantly easier for everyone because it would fix my email name as well#so that’s not helping#and she was talking about my period and being all “it’s okay all WOMEN get these ❤️ you’re just becoming a beautiful woman#and now she keep being rude to my sister because she uses men’s deodorant (because it works better) and doesn’t really wear dresses#(because she finds them annoying and inconvenient)#and is being all “hurr durr you’re copying your SISTER stop being so masculine”#like fucking hell#shit talking me and harassing my sister all at once#man I want to fucking kill myself im so done with this shit#and I’m so overdue on school work and I feel so overwhelmed and stressed this fucking sucks#and I know the school work and stuff is fully my fault for forgetting and slacking off but I can’t bring myself to do them because the#stress of fucking up and just how much of it I have to do is pushing me to my damn limit#I can’t even bring myself to start on my film and media assignment that’s a week overdue because I’m so fucking stressed just thinking about#it and I’m so overwhelmed I can’t fucking do this. I just can’t. and I know I’m at fault for procrastinating and being too lazy and stressed#to bring myself to start working on it#and things are just gonna get more and more difficult#so yeah. rant over I guess. sorry guys#did not mean to rant in the tags this much dysphoria is just killing me and so is general stress#tw suicidal thoughts
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I feel like I have an unacceptably low level of control over my body. Like obviously there are some things that no one can control but I have like actual big problems because of it. I'm not really sure how to describe it but it's not just me being really clumsy (although that is an effect of it) or even the tics I have.
It's like I can feel my body moving wrong constantly but I can't correct it and it hurts and it sucks and I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting myself, making mistakes, breaking things, acting like it's fine when in reality I'm constantly afraid of how much any movement I make next could hurt me. I need to move to stay sane, I want to workout and get stronger and go on walks with my friends. I wanna get better. I can't even roll over in bed without pain and I'm just so tired.
#opossums chronic illness rants#seriously though this sucks so much and idk if theres anything i can do about it but i wanna try#its probably a combination of a lot of different things#like muscle weakness and instability from ehlers danlos syndrome both making each other worse#along with the poor proprioception from autism the dizzyness and weakness from the dysautonomia#the fact that i cant really see and even possibly inner ear damage (thats a new one that ive been suspecting more and more recently)#im not sure if the ear damage would be just from built up ear wax or maybe or something else#but im really not having a good time because it brings back bad memories#when i was a kid (8 i think) my mom was convinced i had compacted ear wax but given that she refused to ever#take me to doctors she decided she had to fix it herself#which led to a lot of excruciating trials where she stuck wires and que tips stripped of their cotton into my ears#and tried to scrape out whatever she could. even though i wanted her to stop because it hurt so bad i would start crying everytime#im also mildly suspicious that might be what damaged my ears in the first place... but i really have no way to know that at the moment#all i know is i dont want anyone looking in or putting things in my ears ever again#it doesnt even matter how much i trust them because now anything put in my ears hurt#like even when im just regularly cleaning them with que tips it hurts and im reminded that might not be normal#idk if you read these tags let me know if cleaning your ears is supposed to hurt i guess?#im honestly not sure. like i just always assumed i wasnt being gentle enough or something but it doesnt matter what i do#its not super painful either just a little bit so i ignored it because i assumed it was normal#since a lot of 'normal' things hurt for me. which i now know to my surprise isnt normal at all but i didnt figure that out#until i actually got people to believe that these things were hurting me#apparently its very hard to find anyom#who believes that opening bag clips or trying to lift a jug of milk are actually quite painful for me#they usually just say im way overreacting and when i was a kid i just believed them i guess
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