#I need more Open Heart in my life!
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May I offer you a hastily drawn picture to wish you a good get-through-the-week? :3
HELLO ??????? HELLO hot gluing this to my eyes IMMEDIATELY thank you so much i feel myself becoming stronger already
#fave#'snap i thought you were sleeping' i am not immune to notifications AND I AM REWARDED GREATLY#snap chats#that parks and rec meme You Know The One i havent stopped staring at this for the past five hours <- its been twenty minutes#PLEAAASSE this is so cute omg thank you so much .... ill cherish this until i die and even then ill continue to cherish it in death#PRECISELY the vision i had earlier you get it ......... im OBSESSED#will have to save this to my phone and refer to it like a sailor lost at sea missing his wife#BOTH wives even .... woAh ......#i dont wanna post this cause i just wanna keep lookign at it whenever i open my inbox. like i need this stapled In My Inbox#we'll do the next best thing il'l print it once i can ....... motivation to not fumble these next few weeks and life tbh#AAA THANK YOU AGAIN MY FRIEND for ALL you do. i STILL have to check the drive you updated i saw that vjLEKJEAJ#a morning endeavor surely ..... for now i bid you good night and a heart Thank You for the nineteenth time !!!!!!!!!#I JUST KEEP SCROLLING BACK UP TO LOOK AT IT PLEAAAASSSEEE ok im gonna sleep FOR REAL NOW#GOOD NIGHT and thank you once more !!!!!! i love it sm .......
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Why is the anime so weird, it's not even the same series dude?? It's like,
Anime:
GOKU: I have a great idea to bring peace to the universe, and my leadership and compassion alone will unite us all. I have No Flaws and am A True Relatable Everyman :)
VEGETA: NO! I AM THE BEST AND I WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS UNTIL I AM RECOGNIZED AS SUCH!!!!
Manga:
GOKU: Vegeta what's cornmeal made of? I know it's what the corn eats, but what's it made of? VEGETA: Hey Kakarot let's play the quiet game until one of us dies.
#dbtag#I do not understand this writing it's so bad aklsdlkasjd#Toei wants Goku to be Clark Kent SO bad and he SO isn't lmao#they're so good and dumb and rounded and complex in the manga what is the anime so afraid of#Toriyama said 'no no this man is a detached faux-immortal who has a dear pure heart but he's childlike and selfish even though he's kind'#and toei went 'got it goku's never done anything wrong ever in his life'#toriyama said 'Vegeta's gone through a lot and he's finally settling into his more mature leadership role with the confidence he's earned'#and toei said 'got it vegeta has the confidence of a high school bully except now he can interact with his family as a comedy bit'#girl hWHAT#Toei trying to group Goku and Vegeta as two people who would rather train than be with their families and Toriyama said NO Vegeta wants#to be HOME this is the first time in years that he's HAD ONE and it makes him HAPPY to be with his wife and children!!#Vegeta trains so that he can protect the things he doesn't want to lose again and Goku trains because it's the thing that makes him happies#They are NOT the same lmao And yeah Vegeta still wants to beat Goku but he also knows that Gohan could dogwalk both of them if he wanted#He also knows Trunks and Goten are going to surpass them it's not about being the best anymore he's past that he just wants to Not Need Gok#He just doesn't want to have to rely on Goku to save the day he wants to be Enough on his own he just wants to know he can be#because every time it's mattered he WASN'T and people he loved were lost to his inability to protect them and he carries that#Like Whis diagnosed him with anxiety and cptsd out in the open and Beerus said he was self-centered for feeling guilt#+ he lowkey enjoys the rivalry it keeps him goal-oriented so he can't get complacent and lazy which is what triggered his Buu Saga breakdow#realized how Fucked Up it was that having a home and loving family made him feel like he was failing and went 'wait no I won actually??'#now he's chill as fuck in the manga. cool confident leader.#and sometimes he is childish and dumb with Goku as a treat#you know what rocks about his rivalry with Goku in Super though is that it's Playful. Vegeta is learning how to Play.#You ever seen a shelter dog get introduced to a really playful dog and it takes a minute for the shelter dog to understand it's safe here#And then they're both running around the backyard playing hot potato with one braincell?? That's Goku and Vegeta's relationship#and the way the anime sleeps on that dynamic is so fucking criminal especially when it's literally canon it's in print it's out there#you had the playbook how'd you fumble it this bad#anyway that's my 25+ year blorbo thoughts I love Geets a lot okay#And I love Goku in the manga a lot I'd forgotten that he's actually a great character when Toei's not fucking up his whole vibe
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the miserable angry person I become when I haven't eaten is, in a word, atrocious. it is 9pm I have not had my dinner murder is about to be on the menu if I don't fix this soon
#i spent. SO LONG (5min) trying to iron a shirt that would NOT be ironed#and then SO LONG (60 seconds) futilely trying to shove the ironing board closed (gave up and left)#and now i want to CRY because i CANT STAND INDECISIVE YOUNG MEN#what is going ON in your BRAIN if you would COMMUNICATE i might UNDERSTAND!!!!! WHAT is the struggle WHAT is going on#if you were INTERESTED as so many people have CLAIMED YOU WERE why didn't you SAY anything why didn't you DO anything!!!!!!!!!!#LIFE IS LITERALLY SO SHORT WHAT IS GOING ONNNN I CANNOT SIT HERE WAITING FOR YOU FOREVER I CANNOT !!!!!#they said it might be because you had qualms about long distance. BOY I WOULD'VE GIVEN LONG DISTANCE AN ENTHUSIASTIC SHOT#not to be like. once again i am the one more interested i am the one so ready to open my heart i am the one more invested#but like. dude. we live in an age of technology. if you want to get to know me. TEXT ME I'M LITERALLY IN THE SAME COUNTRY!!!!!!!#also what a day this has been. i agreed to teach sunday school (i am burned out and felt dread the whole time and then after i said yes)#and then socialized with too many people and then spent about 2 hours commuting and then came home and watched a romcom#that was happy that made me sad because it was happy. i too would like to be treated tenderly and pursued intentionally for once. anyways#in the same day one friend got engaged to her best friend and one friend got involved with a horrible boy and the whiplash was Horrendous#also if you cant tell i am indeed on my period and feel like too much and not enough lol i need to be alone for a little while
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2 months later almost to the day and I’m still literally sobbing into my pillow about the Shakespearean tragedy that was Sylki
#I’m a strange mix of pissed and heartbroken and frustrated and confused and bitter and bittersweet#it’s like my own breakup#Sylki#now I’m seeing people argue that Sylvie doesn’t love Loki back anymore or even in the first place???? really????#it’s in written and live interviews that she LOVES him like no one she’s ever known#by the end of season 2 she is emotionally glued to him the way she was in season one#is Lokis love of her more obsessive and codependent and unconditional to the point of being unhealthy?#yes.#does she still love him as deeply as someone with her level of attachment and trust issues and stunted emotions physically can?#yesssss#stop the mental gymnastics#they just have realistic attachment styles#and she needs to be warmed up to opening herself and her life and heart to people and coaxed into a relationship like a feral cat#while Loki glomps onto anyone that shows him affection like a touch starved baby monkey#I feel like the only one who freaking GETS them
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i’m pretty sure the reason we got nagosaka’s second round of solos mimicking the og album art was bc kr was making a concerted effort to bridge the gap between the amount of music the ogs and nagosaka have lol
but those first solos for the og divisions were their beginnings as characters so maybe we can pretend round two solos for nagosaka is their true beginning lol
#vee queued to fill the void#both sasara and kuukou backslid in terms of development between the mcd era and 2nd drb#and i blame the true hypnosis mic lol#sasara while still a flighty sonuva btch opened himself up to samatoki in a way he should have with rosho (bc of his past with rosho)#and kuukou believe it or not lol would not be the type to trash an entire establishment and stay blind to his team’s needs back in the day#like kuukou is quite literally learning that lesson about not charging bullishly at others’ problems in both the unami chapter and nb track#and what does he do with jyushi and hitoya in harmonious cooperation???? charge bullishly at them assuming that’s all it’d take to help them#frfr both sasara and kuukou backslid lol#post 2nd drb tho???? with these solos????? where they’re fundamentally the same but show the lessons learned?????#these solos are their starting point ACTUALLY lol#which would make nagosaka’s first solos more representative of their pasts ngl!!!!!!#like those solos probably suit the nagosaka in the first manga run!!!!!#kuukou cocky as shit jyushi defined by his past hitoya’s finest rizz but heart hidden#sasara my life’s a tragic comedy let me run away to find a different outlook rosho trying to figure out how to stand on his own#rei the mastermind and that’s all you need to know lol it lines up very well#man!!!!!! that’s some good shit lol!!!!! this is the stuff that has kept me in hypmic for half a decade LMAO
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i am so glad i'm finally dating someone who cares about fashion and about doing silly things like taking pictures and about school he cares about school and he likes learning and trying new things oh lord he actually likes trying new things
#june shines#OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE#underrated quality#emotional maturity + openness to experience + general curiosity about life the universe and everything + he actually wants to hang out with#MY FRIENDS.#and and and#he's clear and straightforward which is like bare minumum yall if ur mans ain't clear and straightforward please Do Not The Man#music be the june of love#oh and he's a musician. TOO. on top of everything.#i#i just can't get over it#like it's more than oohagohoghgoh he like me oagohagohago i like him too it's like Oh we have similar interests and our personalities mesh#i'm going to be so fucked up when this guy breaks my heart#and it's not because i rely on him for anything particularly#like i know i'm all that and i don't need him to tell me (though he does)#but#he. we#we're something#we do be girlblogging apparently
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I dont think yall know just how fucking much i have to reserve myself when i text them
#like I know nothing super extraordinary is happening atm but like... im a touch/attention starved bitch who doesnt know how to process shit#like they finally started typing a response this morning to my tattoo question last night#and when I tell you my neck fucking snapped in the direction of my phone as soon as I heard the snap notif sound......#im not even fucking exaggerating. I literally had to force myself to wait a few to open it bc if not i wouldve opened it the second it sent#at one point my phone was in the kitchen & I was in the bathroom. I heard the notif sound & the response was immediate & pavlovian#I dropped what I was doinf & made a beeline for the kitchen. again made myself wait a few minutes to open it#the urge to geek out & keyboard smash & send a ton of emojis when i text them back is overwhelming#I feel like a fucking teen with a stupid first crush. kill me please#on one hand im like stop being so fucking cringe on the other im like. I wasted my teens/early 20s not letting myself catch feelings#im in my 'fuck it im going to enjoy my life & have fun & not take shit so serious & not hide my true self' era#I spent the last 3 years basically self-isolating self-loathing & in a massive depressive episode#thinking abt driving my car into a median almost daily & telling mself I'll never allow myself to feel or get too close to anyone again#granted I still have a lot of personal/emotional issues I need to work on but im so fucking proud of myself for making it out alive#I told myself at the start of the year that I was going to live in the moment & enjoy what life brings me. Well. It brought me this#and dammit im going to eat this shit up with gusto & a grateful heart because im ALIVE & im happy/having fun!!!#and when eventually this chapter ends im not gonna let myself spiral & hate myself like last time#Instead im going to be happy & thankful that I was able to live & feel & love & enjoy the experience#im fucking worth it damn it#that's all. im a fucking cringefailloser sap & although I lowkey wish I was more normal about it at the same time i dont#emma rambles#personal
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You ever sit in a fandom space for so long that now looking at it kind of makes you want to rip your nails off.
Yeah.
#feeling this with Omori#ill look at my recommended tags and see some shit and immediately think “thats enough for today.”#granted alot of the community is children so of course theres gunna be cringey posts and that's fine#but then theres times its just weird and i realise i am far to tired for this shit now#i wanted to try and get into fandom spaces to be myself more and open up but i have now just gotten tired#but ultimately this was also the point in my life i was having an identity crisis and i like to think i have changed alot over the last year#im tired of everyone being called out as a predator or twelve year olds fighting over stupid shit#id rather focus my energy into my real life problems and not the latest “blorboscimbosimp24” drama#christ sometimes i regret getting into omori which is sad because its a game near and dear to my heart#but everyday theres some new shit that happens that sends people fucking feral#and also omocat herself is just a whole can of worms i just cannot be assed with.#that's not to say i hate everything about fandoms. ive met and talked to some really nice people and i enjoy their stuff#but still i have so little patience for peoples bullshit#sorry for ranting but im done with everyones horseshit and people being predators and wether or not omocat is a creep#i dont know i sort of dont care because god knows i have far more pressing matters in my personal life that need my attention#also this doesn't mean im not talking or posting about omori. i still like it but fuck man sometimes it feels awkward saying i like it#rant#random rambles
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#update for my friends here#(and then I gotta go read aristotle lol)#I'm doing ok. I think maybe I've made some friends here. particularly a couple of girls on my hall who have been very kind to me.#wish my emotions would come back and be normal#and by 'normal' I mean not just random crying whenever I try to sit still and think for a few minutes.#there's so much happening. my heart is pulled so many ways. I'm not sure how to resolve any of it.#and I'm aching for resolution.#but I think God is trying to show me how much more I still haven't done or experienced#even though a lot of times I feel like I've lived all of life there is to live and there's nothing left anymore.#I wish I had more trustworthy people in my life who are older than me and can help speak into this experience.#I need to call my parents and siblings back home. I miss them.#I keep questioning my decision to come here. maybe I should've stayed home.#I don't know. maybe it's all an exercise in trust.#I'm still afraid most of the time I think. I wish I could put that fear to death. I wish I could just lean back and trust.#everything just moves so fast.#if any of my post-college (undergrad at least) friends would like to give me tips for slowing down and being intentional with life#and relationships and stuff#during this phase of life--I am extremely open to hearing about them!#love you all <3
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natsume book of friends season 4 opening sequence has got me incredibly fucked up. the lyrics. kid natsume's tiny little legs and teenage natsume watching him run. the lyrics. nyanko-sensei burrowing into his arms. did i mention the lyrics? ending frame on the fujiwara family. including natsume. because he's part of their family. as the lyrics ask him to "please [not] keep suffering alone"? somebody fucking hold me.
#i'm actually almost done with season 4 because i have no self-control. and every time i watch the opening i'm like#no this has only gotten more potent since the last time i watched it. we are reaching danger levels#natsume yuujinchou#natsume's book of friends#my posts#season 4 is the season of tanuma just completely destroying me on every level. why is every single character like this??#every time he learns something about natsume he's like oh so this is what it's like for natsume?#and then it happens again and he's like wait natsume ALSO has THIS OTHER THING to contend with??#and again: AND A THIRD THING?? WHY MUST THE WORLD'S BEST BOY NATSUME TAKASHI SUFFER???#he just wants to help natsume deal with stuff and i am on the fucking floor#his thought process is just#this is hard for natsume. i wish i could help him. maybe here's a way i could help him? he doesn't want me to though because it would#put me in danger. but i don't want him to be in danger either. and i'm telling him that to his face. i don't think it's really#gotten through to him but that's okay i will just keep telling him. now i'm realizing that the thing i did to help him maybe just made#things harder for him. this is hard for natsume. i wish i could help him. maybe sometimes the best way to help him is to just#respect his wishes and yet remind him that he can lean on people and that people love him as much as he loves them#the part where tanuma realized why natsume doesn't tell the fujiwaras about youkai gutted me#this kid is so emotionally astute and such a sweetheart#i just watched the episode where natsume loses his picture of his parents and his old house is getting sold and i cried. SO many tears.#tanuma putting his foot down for once like no actually you need to admit that something is bothering you this time#we can find this picture. ask us to help you do this thing that we can actually do for you. you don't need to be sad for no reason#mmm can't be coherent about it just rest assured it was extremely harmful to me and also exactly what i needed#anyway the season 4 opening song as the thing you say to your younger self who lives inside your current self because#you can't actually go back in time and be the person your younger self needed to have in their life. so all you can do is love that child#in absentia but so so so fiercely and with your whole entire heart#all you can do is give your current self all the love you have for the child you were#jesus CHRIST
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.🤍
#it's not fair how i only remember the date of jonghyun's death#it's a purely logical thing - i simply listen to shinee's music a lot more than to f(x) or kara any of the solo music#but i remember them all today. and i hope they found peace. i hope they are at a better place now.#it makes me so sad how fast this day comes around again and again#it's cruel how it reminds me that yet amother year comes to an end#my heart goes out to everyone whose heart is breaking all over again today. to everyone who is especially affected by this.#to the people in their personal lives. to fans. to people who lost a loved one in their own life.#and to the people who struggle to stay alive for what ever reason day after day after day.#you are loved in life and you are loved in death.#just... try not to go too soon. there are people who can and will help you. you don't have to go. not yet. ♡#so yeah. your pain deserves to be seen.#if anyone needs to vent or someone to talk: my dms are always open. and especially today.
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I'm resisting every urge not to make dark jokes about my life or experience on the Internet. I must be responsible /j
#oh depression has a grip on me right now#the way i have to hold back from being like 'throwback to when so and so ruined my trust! :D“ is unreal#im on my own with life which is fine or thats how i feel. its normal i guess?#i really hope im not sounding too negative haha. i try to mess around to make it more light hearted 😭#im just used to it#pk anxietychild rambles#maybe drawing bee will cure my sadness#if i ramble about life it is what it is#i would rather keep it minimal tho#its only natural to open up once in a while#no one really needs to know my life. the people who do already know
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Any house md fans that also read Cassandra Clares clockwork series? Because huddson (House, Cuddy, Wilson) reminded me of that dynamic quite a bit. House loves two people in his life, one he can love and spend a "lifetime" with, as Wilson dies from cancer. And the other, whom he can love and finish his life with after Wilson's gone.
Neither one is loved less and they both led their own lives, of course, but for better and mostly worse, they revolve around each other.
#i could go into more detail but id need to reread the series#those books were the first time i saw an ot3 of any kind actually work out and it wasnt even polyamorous really#but the two guys were best friends closer than close due to their bond as warriors#and tessa comes along and they all just fall in love with each other#jem has his illness thats going to take him away from them#and will has his rejection fears and difficulty talking about feelings#and tessa cant die... can't remember why or how but she just doesnt die#and somehow it all worked out for them to all be happy together#amazing#in my head cuddy finds house after wilsons death because she just knows wilson didnt go travelling alone#right after house apparently died#and she finds him heart shattered but this time its shattered wide open and able to be mended#and shes in her fourties and she has a daughter shes been raising by herself while working at another hospital#but despite how all reason says its not worth it shes always had impossible expectations#she and rachel choose to spend their lives with him because he's different now#since he ran out of vicodin during wilsons increasing pain hes forced himself through withdrawal#and he doesnt have the stress of patient care anymore to make his leg ache worse than it always does#hes not happier necessarily but more present in life maybe he thinks ten steps ahead but he doesnt worry about it#house md#lisa cuddy#gregory house#james wilson#hilson#huddy
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Due to an incredible wave of nostalgia (also very on point since tomorrow is August 1st) I need to find a way to watch the entire first Digimon serie.
But here's the catch. I want it in italian. I want the dub and sound design I grew up with.
Now we just have to see how desperate i am (a lot, so so much)- not just bc i'm down to using even the crunchiest, scummiest sites, but I might also find the courage to ask around... italian forums...
#i have a vhs with three episodes but i need more! i need all of it!!!#i also i have the dvd of the movie (movies- i read that those were three movies patchworked into one)#an i love the movie but the difference in sound design is glaring#i thought the opening song was movie original but appearently it was the US opening??#nah i need giorgio vanni to be screaming in my ears#MA CON L'AMICIZIA TRAAAA DI NOI RAGAZZI VERI E DIGIMON LIBEREREMO DIGIWOOOORLD!!!#also Brave Heart miracolously survived the dub and i wanna hear THAT during digievolutions#i am 25 yeas what of it#lad rants about life#italian tumblr#-> where you at??? help!
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LMAO QUICK. WIPE YOUR TEARS BEFORE SOMEONE SEEEESSS YOUUU
#vent#:) !! dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I am in my feelings and I am feeling so many feelings like my heart being torn from my chest and pounded into the floor#and a rage so sickening that I can only get rid of by mutilating someone’s flesh with my teeth and nails#fuck fuck fuck man fucking shit everytime I start to open myself up to someone and share what’s at the core of my being#I let my guard down and shit happens!! why can’t I be normal!! why do I get so attached!!! so fucking needy!!!!!! why do I CARE so deeply#when I’m so easy to be ignored? honestly what am I doing here!! I’m forgettable!!! honestly!!#why talk to me??? what am I contributing AT ALL to the conversation?? I’m not interesting. I have no ideas. YOU have a hard time under me?#how do you think *I* feel?? do you think I know who I am?? what I believe?? what I desire??#why even BOTHER wanting for anything!! I dream of the absolute bare minimum life for myself!! I want to not die and live with my friend!!#maybe even MULTIPLE friends if I’m so lucky!!! do you know how much I’ve thought about it? how stupid of a fucking dream really truly#what are the chances of that coming true? who would want to spend more than a few hours. with me?#and so what?? if I can’t even achieve the bare fucking minimum dream ever then??? what’s the point??? what am I then??? if you think I have#ANY skills. you are mistaken!! I don’t know how to do anything!!! except cry over no response to my messages for TWO FUCKING WEEKS#I’m fine and cool. absolutely fucking DANDY#I’m totally not insecure about my place in the world and my place in peoples lives!!! noooooooo#I don’t need the bare minimum level of attention. I made it 13 fucking years having never truly connected to another human being.#I can handle. whatever the fuck this is. haha how pathetic. shitty shitty bang bang#nooo I’m a grizzled fucking soldier I don’t reread positive words directed at me like I have an addiction#I’m not replaying the top happiest moments from my life over and over again trying to ride a high from something that expired LOOONGG ago#I’m not fucking!! crying!! what do I have to cry for?? aww little piss baby DIDNT get a reply :( aww shh shh#your feelings are sooo valid don’t you worry!! it’s not like you’ve gone most of your life with the ability to get things you want!! GASP.NO#you didn’t have to struggle with food or money or housing!! nobody’s even HIT you before!! but even so your cries are valid!!!!#SIKE. NO. IM AT THE ABSOLUTE BOTTOM. MY PROBLEMS DONT MATTER#so WHAT if you’re longing?? doesn’t matter how hard you THINK or DREAM or WISH. NO ONE. NOT ONE SINGLE. FUCKING. PERSON#will EVER. see you as more than the fucking checker piece on the chess board!!#you want to be someone’s muse huh? don’t even CARE about their interpretations. or how they see you. all that matters is that in this moment#they’re stuck with you. they’re watching you. for at least a moment you can pretend they are yours.#god.... if only I could get myself to write my actual essays with this much passion haha#haha...a hh h..
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augh i just can't stop thinking about itttt
#like. i know my bf and i are not compatible for the long term#my feelings on living with him haven't changed in the past two years and i don't think that's gonna suddenly shift#and he just... needs a partner who can be more emotionally available and willing to guide him through life#and i am neither of those#last year when he was going through a rough time i couldn't even handle him talking about it#and in turn that makes it impossible for me to open up and rely on him#but... even with all of that. my heart is hurting at the idea of losing him as a friend#yesterday i felt so confident and now i'm just so afraid of the loneliness that's going to come with all this#i've gotten very used to having someone to talk to all the time these past two years....#but at the same time i have to censor myself so often with him... i cant go to him with every thought i want to share#my world's gonna get a lot smaller and quieter when he's no longer in it#and i keep thinking about how fun our conversations are..... but we don't talk like we used to#i just never know what to say#our daily conversations are a few 'how are you's and a few funny pictures. that's it#and for someone so starved for affection like myself that's still a lot to lose#i'm lonely enough as it is... and my loneliness overshadows my social energy limit#i don't have enough energy to be around people enough to sate my loneliness#but how much of that is due to the quality of the interactions rather than just the quantity....#i suppose at this point i need to let my heart be heard and sit in the feelings#but not allow them to persuade me away from the logic of what i need to do#and to know that these feelings are only temporary. nor will they be enough to fix the long term deficits#it's like... how it was so hard to leave my last job because i loved the people there so much. So Much.#but that couldn't be the reason i stayed when everything else was killing me#and i'm so much more at peace in my new job... even if the people i work with aren't the best (and i dont like the person i work closest to)#and.. when i went to the party for my old work the other night i realized just how taxing being around that group of people is#they're so fun and i missed them but keeping up with their energy was just... a lot#i was Done after two hours. and to think i had to keep up with that while drowning in all other capacities? i'm so much better off now#and i really think that same lesson applies with my relationship#it's hard to leave... but the peace and quiet after will open up bandwidth i need for new joys to come#personal
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