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iamauthenticallyme · 18 days ago

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The Guilt And Shame That Comes With Eating Almost An Entire Vanilla Cake In One Weekend

Trigger Warning: This post contains discussions of depression, disordered eating, body image struggles, hygiene-related mental health issues, and mentions of suicidal ideation.

I'll have to tell you a little bit about my mental health journey so that this situation will all make sense:

When I was nine, I started lying to my mom about brushing my teeth for the simple fact that I didn't feel like doing it. After my grannE died when I was 10, I fell into depression but didn't quite know what depression was. It manifested itself as wearing the same clothes when I got to middle school because I had a uniform, not brushing my teeth or taking a shower often, and, when I turned 13, not eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner consistently unless I was at school because they provided breakfast and lunch. These all turned into habits that I still have except I don't wear the same clothes now that I'm 16 and in high school because I wash my clothes weekly. These eating habits manifested due to body image issues, probably because my siblings used to tease me for thinking I was fat; meanwhile, they've always been fatter and bigger than me.

I take showers almost every day before school, but on the weekends and off days, taking showers, brushing my teeth, and eating is difficult for me because I don't have a set routine or any reason to get up. This means I'll probably only eat one, maybe two, meals a day during this time. These habits are due to a lack of motivation to get out of bed.

When I speak to my mom about helping me break my unhealthy habits and adopt healthier ones, she does, but then, after a while, doesn't keep up with it, so neither do I. I understand that you have to be enough for yourself, and I can be enough for myself, but these habits can be difficult to break, especially if they've lasted years.

When I'm at my dad's house, I adopt healthier habits and a better routine on principle. If I don't, he'll chastise me for it and make me feel bad, possibly even cry because he's not always the nicest person. I make myself and my little brother breakfast and lunch; my dad and stepmom always make sure we have dinner to eat while my mom doesn't always, pretty much leaving me to fend for myself.

My dad has been complaining about my hygiene since before he and my former stepmom got a divorce when I was 13, so probably when I was 11. He used to say that it smelled whenever I went to the bathroom, even when I pooped and was on my menstrual cycle, and later, he would begin to complain about my not brushing my teeth consistently enough, which is understandable as he didn't necessarily yell at me about that; he was probably just a little worried as well as disgusted. For the record, my former stepmom was a horrible person who disliked me a whole lot for no reason at all, and my dad never stuck up for me in any way, sometimes getting me into trouble with her because he straight-up didn't care, so you shouldn't take their opinions to heart as it pertains to what I'm currently talking about and the time frame in which it happened.

My sister insults me, asking me when the last time I brushed my teeth or took a shower was. She never mentions the eating thing, perhaps because she doesn't eat every day either unless we're at my dad's. She only does these things to boost her ego, and she doesn't care about me in that way, to be worried. She has called me retarded many times, as well as asking if I'm stupid and special, while I've called her evil, a bitch in front of people at school, and mean. She says I'm mean too, but I believe that she has a limited understanding of who I am due to my spiritual awakening, her insecurities and egoic desires, as well as her resentment towards helping me. But I don't have control over what people say or think in regard to me or her. I'm sure I have a limited understanding of her too, for the same reasons, just in a different context.

Grandma was worried about what was going on with me when she smelled me. She never made me feel bad about it. Instead, she would try to talk to me about it. Although I never smelt like underarms, in between my pants smelt funny, not because my vagina did, but because, due to depression, I wore the same clothes for a while.

If my mom ever noticed anything, she never said so.

Can you relate to any of this? All of this? How old were you when you experienced any of this? Are you still? How old were you when it stopped if it has stopped at all yet? How old are you now? I'm sixteen, and although I haven't been depressed for two years, I still have depressive habits. Like I said, I struggle with taking a shower on off days, brushing my teeth, and eating dinner most days, but in general, on off days. The only time I eat mostly is if someone makes me food, preferably if someone walks to my room and gives me food, but I don't have a problem going downstairs and getting it if someone makes it and it's right there mostly.

So back to the present time:

My great-grandma, 83 years old, walks to Walmart often and buys us unhealthy snacks like cookies, chips, candy, and cake. Oh, and she loves soda very much. So I asked her if I could have a vanilla cake. I was expecting us all to share it, but I wanted a change from the lemon cake she usually buys, and I was craving vanilla cake. She brought me a whole cake, all to myself, and I don't always have very good discipline or self-control, so…

She got me the cake on Friday; I took two slices out of it. Then that Sunday, I was hoping it wasn't stale, and I was craving it, so I took three slices out of it and ate that along with a frozen dinner of some sort for breakfast. That night, I realized I hadn't eaten lunch yet, so by about 3 o'clock, I took the cake out of the fridge and put it in my room. I cut slice after slice after slice, and then one slice caused the cake to look funny, so I cut another slice to try and correct it, and it only got worse, so I kept cutting more slices… Remember how I told you that I struggle with eating, especially on off days? Well, I only grabbed the cake because it was closer than going downstairs and making some real food, which I would have to go downstairs to do. Before I knew it, about an estimated 90-something percent of the cake was gone, and my sister hadn't touched it...

After that realization hit, I felt ashamed and guilty. At that moment, I felt like I understood how some people with eating disorders must feel when they just keep eating and eventually throw it up. I was not going to be the one to throw it up, though. I hate throwing up, and I hate feeling nauseous because that means there's a possibility you will throw up. I felt tears coming to my eyes, but I didn't make myself cry, and not very many tears fell. Although I felt like I was going to cry many times after that. I had suicidal ideation from the age of 10 to 14, and for about three of those years, I suffered alone, no one knowing or probably really even caring what I was going through, and fleeting thoughts have been occurring since last summer. So, of course, I got the thought that I wanted to die. Of course, this wasn't the first time something like the situation with the cake or indulgence has happened.

I briefly took my mind back to the time I had nothing but a gallon of apple juice, three sodas, and 12 mini chocolate cupcakes in one weekend. My great-grandma and sister wanted to go to the store, but I found out that Grandma had said something mean about me, indicating that she didn't want me to come with her because she wanted to "walk fast." My sister asked me what I wanted from the store, and I, of course, heard a literal voice tell me, "no juice." Of course, I knew this was the voice of one of my spirit guides, and, of course, I figured that she wasn't going to buy me a big thing of juice and it was just going to be one bottle. So, of course, I asked for juice and cupcakes, and, of course, she bought me a carton of apple juice. I drank straight out of the bottle, so, of course, none of my family wanted to share the juice, and, of course, I finished it by Sunday. That weekend, I also found out, or thought, because of a YouTube channel I used to follow, that I was going through the Dark Night of the Soul, so yeah.

Because of how guilty I felt over eating almost an entire cake in a weekend, I consulted the divination website I always use to get guidance from my spirit team—facade.com. I was wondering if I should go on a week-long water binge—you only drink water or tea with no sugar for a week—which I've done three times and really enjoyed. I was wondering if diabetes is in my future.

They told me that instead of worrying about whether or not I'd have diabetes from my poor eating habits or lack thereof, I should take steps to eat healthier now. Instead of going on a weeklong water binge, I can drink more water throughout the day. Although I do drink water a lot in school, at home I don't drink much of anything unless it's right there in front of me, like soda or a gallon of tea that my great-grandma bought me. After that situation, I went to sleep and had two mozzarella sticks after my moms came home from pageant weekend even though I was supposed to be folding laundry. I didn't feel like meditating or doing any grounding exercises despite feeling like crying, I refused to simply calm down. I only wanted to go on my phone and do my own thing.

Honestly, I probably only told the story to share mine, in the hopes that someone will be able to relate to this. Just remember to not get so caught up in whatever you did that you consider wrong or bad. Instead of getting so caught up in the past, present, and future with anxiety, focus on grounding yourself in the present moment and what you can do to improve. Remember, there is probably always going to be a next time, possibly in a way you don't expect, so you're not a bad person for making mistakes. Trust me, I've been there and I'm still working on self compassion, self forgiveness, and self love.

So can you relate?

I hope you enjoyed this blog post. Parts of this weren't easy to write, so I hope that you approach this with kindness, compassion, and understanding. You never know what someone could be going through. I'm proud of myself for being able to share intimate details of my mental health journey once again. I'm not ashamed, and neither should you be. Remember, it's people who bring out these experiences, but it's our job to know what to do with them and how to transform them to make us feel empowered, and come out stronger. We are 100% responsible for how we choose to react to people and situations. Please like and follow for more.

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becca4leafclover · 1 year ago

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Specifically pizza places I went to when I lived in Italy- those 3 years hold such a special place in my memories, of the best and the worst times of my life. It was the times I was depressed and lonely, it was where I had a genuine community that the rest of American society strips from you. There were legitimate violent threats that were a part of daily life and yet I played Pokemon Trainers on the playground at recess.

I just thought, "hey, what if I base this resturaunt off of our favorite pizza place there?" But our isn't just me or my family- it was us, and four other American families, all with the parents and kids ranging from high school to preschool, who'd go to this place every Friday and usually end up with spontaneous sleepovers being planned over games of Uno (the kids) and Cards Against Humanity (the adults) on a humid summer evening in Naples, Italy

I... really didn't expect, when I checked the menu website, to still be able to read the Italian ingredients as easily as I did. I don't remember much of my Italian, it being faded out for German when I lived there after, or the 5 years I've lived back in America from then.

There was a pizza that one of us ordered so often it got added to the menu: Pizza Pat. That was the first thing that hit me when I read the menu- it was still there. Mozzarella di buffola, pomodorini e salami piccante: buffalo mozzarella (local from the water buffalo raised on the volcanic soil in the area, the LITERAL BEST MOZZARELLA YOU COULD EVER HAVE), cherry tomatoes halved and salami shredded on top. Under the appetizers, there was zeppolini and speedy pollo! Speedy pollo was a local thing for fried chicken sticks- think chicken nuggets but in the form of cheese sticks.

And zeppolini? Zeppolini is my actual favorite food- that I haven't had in over a decade. Fried sour dough made with sparkling water and dried seaweed, rolled in sea salt. Simple, but no other place I've been to serves it like that. Apparently zeppolini normally is a sweet breakfast pastry?? So my mom and I have done various experiments over the years to recreate it, but still haven't perfected it.

When I went on Google Images looking for photos of the roadside resturaunt, instead I found the other local pizza place- they were the ones actually known for the speedy pollo! And I remember going there with my dad the time that we had to evacuate because the mafia planted a cell phone bomb at the car wash outside our neighborhood (a story for another time) and we went there to get everyone pizza as we were stuck outside all day.

And just... I didn't think to ever just- GOOGLE these things before now? And seeing these places feels like reminding myself that it was real. My entire childhood, an American kid growing up overseas with a million different experiences, who spent 10 of 16 years in Europe before moving back to America, that hasn't met someone who's gone outside the country in so so many years now... I didn't realize how lonely it feels to talk about my childhood and have absolutely no one understand what you're saying around you. I have to dumb down the words (it's a parco, not just a "neighborhood!" Two totally different vibes!) or explain a concept (the amount of times people are flabbergasted by why the shopkeepers left and came back during riposo is kind of insane.) And on the flip side, I still feel like I'm the American in the conversation when talking to my friends from other countries, that I haven't experienced ENOUGH of these other cultures to really have a say in it.

Damn, they were right when they said being a military kid made you different. I got the double imposter syndrome, alienation, distrust of the government, and a serious case of hiraeth. And I still wouldn't trade it for a different life, to be honest. I just wish it didn't always hurt so much to know I'm always going to be different.

feeling weirdly emotional about pizza places!

#becca rambles #pizza place pondering

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bakugoukatsuki-rising · 4 years ago

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Bakugou Katsuki - Rising

So I told someone a while ago I’d be writing an essay on Bakugou’s lines from 284, and I’m keeping true to my word. If you’re wondering which lines, well my friend, these lines;

So this, to me, is one of the most emotionally packed pages of these recent chapters. For one, it shows us that Bakugou has always been watching Deku, the same as Deku has been watching him. Since they were kids, probably from the age of 4, Bakugou was able to tell Deku never thought of himself first, it was always what he could do to help and protect other people with no regard to his own safety or well-being.

“He’s always been like that.”

How would Bakugou know Deku has always been this way if he wasn’t paying attention to him? It goes beyond his bullying in Middle School, because he’s watched Deku stand up for other’s his entire life. The very first scene of the manga is Deku protecting a child from Bakugou and his group of misfits, despite being quirkless, and essentially helpless.

Despite being scared, and knowing he didn’t have the strength to take on those boys, he still stood his ground and did what he could to protect the other kid. Bakugou witnessed that first hand, since he was the aggressor. He was the one Deku was protecting someone from.

There was no way Bakugou wouldn’t remember something like that.

We know he remembered how Deku extended his hand to him when he fell in the stream, even though Bakugou was fine and didn’t need any help. Deku still waded through that water and even risked possibly getting himself hurt, to reach out to Bakugou and make sure he was alright.

Now, I am going to point out that the stream incident definitely happened before the scene of Deku protecting that boy since it’s evident they’re older in that scene, but it was presented first (literally the first panel of the entire manga), so it takes precedent.

Then we have the big one, which is the Sludge Villain incident, and Deku’s biggest show of self-sacrifice probably to date within the manga, since he was quirkless and would have certainly ended up dead if All Might hadn’t managed to power up. Even with the times he’s wrecked his body using OfA, he at least had some kind of fighting chance because of the power, but with the Sludge Villain, he had nothing. He was just throwing himself out there in hopes, by some miracle, he could do something to save his friend, even if it meant losing his life in the process.

Another instance of Bakugou witnessing firsthand the self sacrificial nature of Deku. Throughout the manga we’re given these instances, and the next big one is Bakugou’s kidnapping. Now, he didn’t see Deku’s fight with Muscular, but he did see the aftermath, he saw that ruined body running at him full force with no care to the damage done to himself, and even before that, he saw Shoji carrying him while Deku continued to plan out their plan of rescue, like his entire body wasn’t a crumpled mess.

Time and time again, Bakugou has been witness to Deku’s behavior, to this self sacrificial nature. The scene above is the first real time we see Bakugou acknowledge it. He tells Deku to stay back, he knows if he continues trying to fight looking like that, he’s going to die. I’ve seen other translations and I believe in the anime he says something to the context of “Don’t come, Deku.” Which, either way you look at it, it gives the same impression of Bakugou trying to protect Deku in that moment. Because he knew if there was an opportunity for Deku to reach, he would have fought until there was nothing left of him.

“And now that he can do so much more...”

This line is important because it is Bakugou acknowledging Deku’s current strength with OfA, but it is also his confession of worry because he knows who Deku is, and what this means for him. If Deku was reckless and willing to sacrifice himself when he was a 4 year old child with no quirk, well now that he has the strongest power essentially in existence, that means certain death. There is nothing stopping him from completely destroying himself, and we saw a brief example of that when Deku fought Muscular, though not even close to the level he was going at Shigaraki, and what Bakugou was actually getting to witness during this chapter and 285/286.

I use the above image because it kind of shows how bad off Deku was, which is far worse than when he fought Muscular, let me remind you. That scene is in chapter 285, after he’s essentially destroyed both of his arms hitting Shigaraki probably upwards of 10 times with 100% OfA.

Remember, Bakugou has been watching all of this from the ground.

“Something doesn’t feel right, it makes me wanna keep him at arms length.”

Well ya know, I don’t really blame you for feeling that way, Bakugou, I wouldn’t feel right if the kid I knew my entire life was willing to die at literally every turn without thinking for a split second about himself, either. It’s a little strange, but that’s what makes Deku the unstoppable force that he is, because he has the drive to save people no matter what. Now if he could master his power and depend on other’s, it would be even better, because then maybe he wouldn’t have to kill himself trying to protect people.

But seriously, that line shows Bakugou's uncertainty about getting close to Deku, because that kind of behavior is scary. It's intimidating. To just...throw your life away for the sake of someone else, that's gotta be scary to see someone do, and Bakugou has witnessed it over and over because of his closeness to Deku.

Now for the big one.

"Back then, I ignored my own weakness...so I ended up bullying him."

There's the kicker, folks. The real development we've all been waiting for.

I do want to point out that when Bakugo was 4, he didn't realize he had weaknesses like that. He was honest to God just a bratty kid that probably thought Deku was weird for caring so much about people despite, essentially, being useless to them. Because what could Deku do? Nothing. He couldn't help anyone because he was quirkless, but he still tried, and that's what affected Bakugou so strongly.

So strongly, in fact, that he never forgot it for a single second.

From 4 years old all the way up to 16 years old. 12 years. 12 years Bakugou Katsuki was witnessing Deku's self sacrificial nature. Again and again he watched as this boy who had nothing, continued to fight for something, and then he was granted power, terrifying power, and now Bakugou is left to wonder how the fuck any of this could have happened. Because if Deku had just stayed quirkless and accepted it, maybe, just maybe, he would stop that self sacrifical bullshit. Maybe he would see himself a bit more.

But then he was given OfA, and all of that hope was gone. Now he was given a power meant to take on the greatest evils and every person before Deku had died for the cause, so why would it stop with Deku, who was already ready to get himself killed to protect someone else when he was like 14 years old?

The scenes we have of Bakugou acknowledging Deku's behavior, and acknowledging his own behavior, it's such a raw scene. It takes a lot to acknowledge you've done wrong by someone else. It takes a lot of strength to sit back and recognize those ugly parts of you, and here Bakugou is, doing just that. And he isn't doing it for some self righteous get me off, either. He's doing it because he genuinely cares about Deku's well being, and he always has.

It never came out the right way, and he sees that now, but that doesn't mean the concern wasn't there. He just didn't know the right ways to express it, but as things have gotten more serious and now Deku is truly risking his life for this cause, he's come face to face with it. He can't hide from it anymore. The more OfA develops, the more Deku is going to put himself out there, and Bakugou isn't going to sit around while he kills himself when he could just learn to ask for help.

This stretches all the way into 285 and Bakugou's sacrifice, because he saw Deku about to end up seriously hurt or worse, and he knew he couldn't let that happen. Of all the years spent endlessly tearing himself apart for other people, Bakugou knew he needed to show the other in some way he didn't have to do it like that. He didn't have to fight alone.

That, and it was part of his atonement. It was a piece of his apology to Deku, to show him that he valued him, and he was willing to put his life on the line for someone, for him.

Bakugou didn't think when he rushed out to save Deku. It was instinctual, like breathing. He saw someone he cared about in danger, and his body moved on it's own. That, from the angry brat we get in chapter 1, is a beautiful showcase of perfect character development and growth. If you take into account everything I've discussed throughout this, it should be easy to realize or at least see a bit of Bakugou's perspective, and his thought process when dealing with Deku.

It never justifies any of his past behavior, but it gives us clarification, and then allows us to appreciate his thoughts and actions in 284 and 285 even more.

#bnha spoilers #bnha meta #bnha #mha #bkdk #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #kacchan #deku #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #bnha analysis #bnha manga #mha manga

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parslynne · 4 years ago

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Bonus:

Based off the fact Gojo canonically bought a ¥250000 (before tax) shirt.

____

Part 1 || Part 2 (you are here) || Extras (not ready yet deepest apologies) ||

Click on the images for crispy lines and legible text.

The main comic is split into two posts because the images were too big to fit into one! I have some extra stuff I am wanting to make, but they're not finished enough for human viewing. I've got many theories on how the siblings went from “If I go, will Tsumiki be happy? My answer depends on that.” TO “Don’t act like you’re my guardian. You gross me out.” (for reasons aside from the usual middle school phase of sibling conflict) AND I TRIED INJECTING THEM INTO THIS COMIC (which originally had a count of 9 pages but now is 13 pages + bonus content) BUT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOLLY ONE ABOUT MEGUMI AND TSUMIKI’S ATTEMPTS TO ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES WITHOUT ELECTRICITY. SO NO PAIN

More ranting about the comic below the cut. Spoilers for the manga!!!

This comic was stuck in my head for a while because when I got to c138 I was like OH MY GOD TSUMIKI, Gege why, and I love sibling shenanigans. There’s not much about Tsumiki and her personality just yet (she’s kind, but kind isn’t a personality), but there’s this panel here from chapter 59 that for this comic, I based her entirely on:

She just seems very fun.

Some context info for the comic:

This comic takes place a year an a half after the Hidden Inventory arc and 4 months after Gojo meets Megumi.

(random note: Megumi's age is a bit of a misnomer for me, because canon says Gojo met Megumi in his first year of elementary school in 2007. The events of the manga take place in 2018, 11 years later, when Fushiguro is 15. I'm a bit confused here because children in Japan start elementary school at age 6 (turning 7 by the time they move on to second grade in April), so Megumi should've been 6 years old when he met Gojo. In 2007 though, he should've been 4 turning 5 if he's only 15 (turning 16) in 2018. Did I misread something? For the purposes of this comic, Megumi is 7 and Tsumiki is turning 8).

In this comic, it takes a while for Gojo to gain custody of Megumi and Tsumiki due to the fact that he's still a minor (and has a few more hoops his influence has to jump through) and that he has to very carefully wheedle Megumi out of the Zen'in family's clutches. If he does it too persistently, the Zen'ins would figure out something's up and be more resistant, if not reluctant, to let him go without upping his price. Megumi's Cursed Technique is manifesting, but I think Gojo figured it out only because of his Six-Eyes. Gojo told Megumi to do his best to hide his wakening abilities (which Megumi took as being even less emotive than usual, much to Tsumiki's dismay). If the Zen'ins ever found out he had the Ten Shadows technique, Megumi's fate would've been sealed, and Gojo would have had no way of getting him out. Luckily, the clan's disdain for Toji clouds their judgement of Megumi. Megumi's also born in late December, so for the clan members who don't think he'd amount to much, this detail is easily forgotten, and when Megumi's six years old and nearing his 7th birthday, the clan members would assume he's already seven and passed the 'age limit' to manifest an inherited cursed technique. Gojo coming back to the apartment in 2008 after Megumi's 7th birthday suggests that he was successful in gaining custody of Megumi.

In the last panel of the main comic, you see there's a divine doggo on the roof top. Megumi accidentally summoned a divine dog during the spirited saga of Usa-Chan-Man, but luckily Gojo sensed it and subdued it, nullifying the exorcism ritual.

Speaking of Usa-Chan-Man, she is 1000% based on Lovely Usa-Chan Man from Oresama Teacher (same author as Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun). She's amazing. If you're interested, the manga's hilarious (even if Student-Teacher ain't your cup of tea, be rest assured----this manga is 90% humour, 8% drama, and 2% romance).

Some inaccuracies in this comic I am now aware of; please be gentle with judgement:

- The Fushiguro apartment is not a corner apartment, I know!! I just- I just didn't know okay, and I was committed to having a shot of Gojo chilling on the ledge of the roof

- SAILOR MOON STOPPED AIRING IN JAPAN IN 1997. I DIDN'T KNOW THIS. I personally watched Sailor Moon on VHS tapes. I just thought Sailor Moon would be a show that could be rerun 1203 times and people would be ok with it. I am 100% guessing that anime airs on Sundays at 9PM. I didn't research this at all. I tried to envision leaving out the Sailor Moon part, but there went my Usagi joke and that joke was originally supposed to end the comic at 9 pages. I eventually ended the comic a different way, but Usagi had to be there to create the scene transition to the ending. Just.. Sshh..

- What bills and account books look like in Japan. Yeah, I have no idea. Especially what they looked like back in 2008!! Also, how much utilities costed in Tokyo 2008.. I just went with conservative prices typical of modern day Hokkaido in the winter.

- What the weather was like in January 2008. Was it cold enough that kids were wearing winter jackets? I tried googling historical weather data, but I got nothing (it was just like 10 minutes of googling though, so I wasn't trying that hard). In Tokyo though, January is generally considered the coldest month of the year, so I hoped for the best!

- Candles are not strong enough to cast sharp enough shadows for shadow puppetry. Y...yes... But you see, this candle is really, really big and has a very large wick.

I am done. This is all for now. Thank you for reading, if you've read up till this point!!! Happy Jujutsu Friday and See y'all crying on Jujutsu Sunday.

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk spoilers #sorcerer fight #fushiguro megumi #fushiguro tsumiki #gojo satoru #precanon #fancomic #fanart #kid!megumi #fushiguro fluff #fushigurohcs #kids staying up past curfew #my art

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yessoupy · 3 years ago

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you didn't ask for this take, but i'm offering it anyway.

i started watching michael phelps in 2000. i distinctly remember the day i found out that he'd gone pro at 16. my swim coach had us all guess who he was talking about and when he said it was michael my brain went, "that kid from last year???"

the athens games in 2004 came around and the kid from sydney was now 19 years old and dominating. he won 6 golds and 2 bronzes and whenever anyone made comments that he'd "failed" with those two bronzes (one in the 200m free when he lost to IAN THORPE AND PIETER VAN DEN HOOGENBAND, THE BEST and the other in the 4x100 free relay where the south africans just came out of NOWHERE and surprised EVERYONE), my reaction was "what the fuck???? he's third in the biggest meet there is???? that's not failure!!! your expectation that he achieve perfection was unrealistic! don't blame him for that." i've been fiercely protective of olympic athletes since a very young age -- i was 10 when i learned about greg louganis and his struggles. that made a big impact on me.

when mike was pulled over for rolling a stop sign back home in maryland and blew a .08 on the breathalyzer? my mind went right to all of the stories i'd found about olympians suffering from post-olympic depression. (were there a lot of stories? nope! but there were enough that it was something i knew about and worried about for my favorite athletes.)

then it was 2008 and mike was going for EIGHT GOLDS IN EIGHT RACES and the media was all over him and his face was serious and i wasn't watching those olympics live, i don't know if i could handle it. (my family had moved to hawaii and the first week of the olympics was the week i spent in texas before heading back to college. i also went to 7 baseball games in those 7 games, and my friend and i watched the prime time re-run every evening......)

the fact that mike was able to accomplish that feat was pure dumb luck. his finish that won him the 100m fly against mike cavic was the worst way to finish a race and every swim coach CRINGED but had he not taken the stroke he'd have lost. i can't even talk about the 4x100 free relay -- that gold was EARNED by jason lezak. EVEN IN THE SHINY SUIT ERA NO ONE BEAT HIS RELAY SPLIT.

but anyway. imagine having all of that pressure in 2008, when twitter was a thing but not really, managing to muscle through a grueling 8 days of racing at the highest level of your sport, being on every talk show and cereal box and magazine and on and on, and then you go home, where you swim AT a university but aren't a student, and you go to a party and hit the bong and a picture gets out and you have to apologize for letting loose because America made you a role model.

Then it was 2012, and that was supposed to be it. He'd retired. But he had no idea what to do with himself.

He didn't know what he was if he wasn't a swimmer. So he went in and competed again in 2016. Imagine being in THAT situation! The only thing you know how to do is swim 10km a day.

Now you see him on commercials for mental health apps, and I think I've seen his interview about Simone Biles' decision like 5 times without even looking for it. He's the greatest Olympian of all time, hands down. (There are some arguments someone COULD make about other athletes, but it's not like he was only swimming freestyle for all those medals .....) The fact that the greatest Olympian of all time is out there saying to the American people that we need to prioritize the mental health of these athletes, and that he supports Simone in her decision? Whether you like the image of that or not, the reality is that that means the WORLD in this space. It's HUGE for him to be on American media and speaking about this to the American public.

And what Simone has done in speaking about her mental health and taking a step back? That's HUGE for the athletes themselves. It's one thing for Mike to be out there talking about what he went through, it's another for her to be out there talking about what she's GOING through. The positive impact that she's going to have on the mental health of other athletes cannot be overstated. "If Simone Biles could make this decision for herself at the Olympics, I can do it too."

I know that Mike is ~problematic. The swimming world is a small one, though, and I've been part of it for 20 years. To me, Mike isn't just that Olympic athlete who's around every 4 years to win some medals. He's the guy who put my sport on the map and whose athletic feats inspired a new generation of swimmers (Katie Ledecky, Joe Schooling, Chad le Clos, the list goes on!). Mike's the guy I almost ran over in the parking garage because he doesn't pay attention in parking lots/garages (this was not the only time; there are multiple stories from multiple people). Mike's the guy who'd always sign autographs for the kids whenever he wasn't actively swimming --

Mike's a human being who's made mistakes and hasn't always been the BEST ambassador for the sport, but you know what? I was proud of him each time he won a medal, but I'm more proud of him now for what he's doing outside of the pool.

#tokyo 2020 #tokyo2020 #michael phelps #simone biles

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houseswolo · 5 years ago

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Day 17 - 'Tis The Season To Be Thirsting

"Oh come all ye Forceful..."

The last of our Thirsties to be showcased:

Wilson

(Tumblr: @wilsonthinks66 | Twitter: Wilsonthinks66 | Ao3: Wilson66)

What got you into Star Wars?

When a certain Adam Driver revealed his beautiful face in The Force Awakens 😍 helloo handsome

What made you a Reylo? Lightbulb moment!

"You're not alone." "Neither are you."

I think I told Luke to piss off and let them kiss!

Why do you write / make art?

Because why not?! I write when I have that little niggling idea that just won't go away.

The Object of your Thirst…

Oh so many but if we're sticking to the Star Wars it's got to be the beautiful Adam Driver and my favourite ginger Domhnall Gleeson

Which Adam look do you like the best?

Unwrapped and bare chested 🤤😍

Which Adam avatar/ role do you like the best?

Flip Zimmerman, I think my stomach literally flipped (pun intended 😏) when Adam wheeled around on that chair 💦💦

Which part of Adam do you like the best?

A part? How can you only pick one part.

Favorite Star Wars Movie

Probably The Force Awakens, it was the film that made me watch the others in preparation, although Rogue one is a close second.

What do you like to write / draw / paint the most?

Don't judge me but I love writing angst obviously with a well earned happy ending. This is what I want to write as I've made a promise to myself to focus on what I enjoy reading/writing and not worry about others' opinions.

**Eyes the dark Evil Rey idea that won't leave me alone recently**

We'll get to you soon.

(HS: Dooo eeeet!)

Your TRoS Prediction

They all live happily ever after... Hux included 🤞❤️ no I know that may be too optimistic but I do hope we get Bendemption 😍

If you were an aesthetic... (colors, images, feels....)

Red and black are my favourite colour combination, although I adore autumn colours too🍁🧡

What's your ideal environment for writing / creating?

Silence 😂 seriously I am so easily distracted that I need solitary confinement 😅 which may be why I sometimes struggle to finish fics.

Are you a dom or sub?

Switch baby! 🤘 For the perfect partner I'll be whatever they need 😏

What's the most exotic/wierd place you've gotten intimate?

I've spent most of my life at yards, I'm not going to miss the opportunity to roll about the straw barn, now am I? 🙊

What's your kink?

Who doesn't love a good Dom but on the flip who doesn't love a well-behaved sub? 🤷 I'm easily pleased.

Use three words to describe yourself

Loyal, kind (I hope I come across as such) and argumentative sometimes because I can fall out with myself if I'm that way inclined 😂

Meaning behind your nick / ID name

Well it's my name and I wasn't feeling imaginative 😅

Are you a big spoon or little spoon?

I'm a don't touch me while a sleep spoon, solitary spoon 😘

Do you like it rough or soft?

See if you pick one, you lose out on the other. I'm too greedy for that.

Favorite fic you read

Unexpected by pontmercy44. The first star wars fandom fic I ever read that introduced me into this world, I guess.

Favorite fic you wrote or favorite art you made

Decades to Fall for Sunshineflying. A reyux fic (don't shoot the multishipper!) That I just loved writing and wish that every fic was that easy to create. 😍❤️

Favorite SW character besides Kylo and Rey

Oh well this is so hard for me umm 🤔 maybe that ginger General of First Order... I struggle to remember his name 😘 love me some Hux

______

Taz

(Tumblr: @tazwren | Twitter: WrenTaz | Ao3: TazWren & TrashcanWren)

What got you into Star Wars?

Literally, a lightsaber being stuck into my hand, at 7yrs, and being asked to be Vader to my cousin’s Luke Skywalker. I’d never heard of SW till that moment, and I fell headfirst into the Dark Side and in love with the galaxy far, far away! Its been the one franchise that as been a constant for me, the whole time growing up, and I’ve loved having something SW to look forward to every few years. SW and Reylo lifer! 😁😁😎😎

What made you a Reylo? Lightbulb moment!

“You are not alone.” The minute Kylo/Ben said those words, I was gone for Reylo. No true villain would give a flying fuck about his so-called adversary’s mental and emotional health. When their hands touched? I screeched in that theatre! And I may have yelled at Luke as well. Walked out and hunted for Kylo/Rey fanfics and the rest was history!

Why do you write / make art?

I do because the stories show up and make it impossible for me to do anything else but tell them. They buzz and breed and drown out all other sounds, like manic mosquitoes. They can be quite a nuisance that way, but... *throws up hands* ... I gots to do what they tell me to do! 😆

The Object of your Thirst…

Uh, do I even need to answer this? Adam Douglas Driver, Mr.Sensitive-on-a-stick, BDE Boss hisself 😎😏

Once I discovered him, all others ceased to exist for me. (Hugh, who? Chris, what?)

Which Adam look do you like the best?

I like Adam every which way, but my favorites are with facial scruff and slightly shaggy hair - Phillip Altman meets Ben Swolo. Oooh, anytime he is a sweater (or half out of one!) or with his shirtsleeves rolled up. So, um, yeah... 😁

Which Adam avatar/ role do you like the best?

Philip Altman is BAE - he always lightens my heart. And Ben Solo? He owns the frickin’ thing. So yeah, anyone who knows me, knows one ain’t enough 😏

Which part of Adam do you like the best?

His face - it’s so emotive and expressive! His eyes, those lips, that smile that launches a gazillion ships. His hands, his strong-ass arms. That glorious mane of hair. Have I mentioned them tiddies and the tree-trunk thighs?! Oh, and when he flexes his back, and...

Uh... let’s just say, everything Adam?

Favorite Star Wars Movie

The Last Jedi was the most beautifully written and shot movie in the entire franchise, with a depth of characterization and exploration of symbolism that was brilliant. This will always rate as the best for me. A close second, and one I will always love, is Empire Strikes Back. That was quintessential Star Wars and an amazingly good watch - snark, action, angst, love, betrayal, rescue, OMFG!

What do you like to write / draw / paint the most?

Until I started writing Reylo, I’d never been able to write fiction. I could never visualize the stories. And once I started, I haven’t been able to stop! I’ll write anything Reylo, I’ll try writing anything at least once (so, yeah, there may be dark fic as well one day!). My style defaults to either mildly angsty, or humour-laced fluff, or depraved smut. So, not sure what that says about me 😂

Your TRoS Prediction

Bendemption. Reylo. *mic drop*

If you were an aesthetic... (colors, images, feels....)

Blacks, Reds, Greys, slashes of bright turquoise and white and ochre. Blue and white-striped awnings shading an alfresco cafe, overlooking a green ocean. Bright, city lights, reds and yellows glinting off the black water of a bay. A busy airport, with the scents of perfume from Duty-Free as you zoom past it.

If you were a candy bar, what would your name be?

The Ever-lasting Gobstopper 😂

What's your ideal environment for writing / creating?

In a hotel room, on my own. In the back of cab, in the window-seat of an airplane. At my desk, looking out through the window as the breeze blows through the trees, and the Burn This playlist keeps going on repeat.

Are you a dom or sub?

Both? Both is good.

What's the most exotic/wierd place you've gotten intimate?

On the back of a bike, in the middle of the night, stopped at a traffic intersection.

What's your kink?

Size. Hands. Humour. Fidelity, and yet threesomes (go figure, I’m depraved). Mild Dom. Intelligence and thoughtfulness. Hair. Fuck it, Adam.

Use three words to describe yourself

Loyal, funny, organized-chaos (its a thing, trust me!)

Meaning behind your nick / ID name

I’ve always had Taz as a nickname, for the Warner Bros Tasmanian Devil (yes, I’ve been known to be exactly like that! 😂). Wren is a nod to Kylo Ren, and the fact that one of the earliest fanfics I read had Rey naming her son ‘Wren’ as a backhanded pointer to Kylo! So I’m, Taz, a Knight of Ren.

Are you a big spoon or little spoon?

I can be both, till I fall asleep. Then, pls leave me tf alone 😬😁

Do you like it rough or soft?

Both - why choose?!

Favorite fic you read

There are so very many in this amazing fandom! The one that I’ve loved from the beginning, though, is The Art of Broken Pieces - a beautifully written Bendemption fic.

Favorite fic you wrote or favorite art you made

God, this is hard! My recent favorites are Brooklyn Bridge Blues, Caught Between Beats, and A Taste For Two - I like that I’m able to explore a variety of stories and emotions through them. I’m most proud of Confidences To A Stranger because I was able to explore a storytelling medium that I hadn’t before.

Favorite SW character besides Kylo and Rey

Padme Amidala - she reminds me of my mother and grandmother, both of whom were strong women, who got shit done, while always taking care of their people. She was a queen in more than just name. Han Solo - I am weak for a scoundrel/villain/bad boy in a leather jacket, with a hardass, snarky exterior that hides a heart of gold. The reluctant hero.💙

____

Meet the other Thristies! Thirst Order Advent Calendar Day:

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16

cc: @tazwren @drnucleus @ashtyntaytertot @deadlikemoi @nite0wl29 @thereylowritingden @houseplaidam @housedadam @house-crylo @housereysistance @my-jedi-life @shestoolazytologin @koderenn @thoseindarkness @areylofan @lostinqueue-ffa @queenoferebor @cosmo-gonika @roguesinside @wilsonthinks66 @dangertaylor @lilia-ula @wandering-minds-found @looc-at-me @hopelesslyreylo @ferashacosplay @andabatae-writes @semperfidani @reylo-fade-to-grey @cb-lainey-schooled

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thesweatzone · 5 years ago

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BACKSTORY and FITNESS PROGRAM

BACKSTORY:

I have always struggled with my weight. I was never overweight to a point where I would have troubles with my health but it did limit some of my abilities and it lowered my self-esteem. I was really overweight as a child but then my rapid growth caused me to look slimmer than before and I was only round. Basically I was and still pretty much am skinny fat.

About two years ago I decided I wanted to become skinnier, so I started working out more. I realized now that being skinny is far from my goal and I truly want to be healthy and have a strong body but working out did give me solid foundation on which I explored my interests in sports, which I never liked before. I found the ones I actually enjoyed and the ones I did not enjoy quite that much. I started losing some fat. But then I became lazy and the fat came back.

This repeated itself many times throughout those two years. I slowly realized my biggest problem were my eating habits. I was really picky when it came to food and I always chose the wrong one. I also binged, then ate very little for a while and binged again. I even contributed to the weight gain with drinking smaller amounts of water than I should have and my sleeping schedule was all over the place. I realized only working out won't do that much. At least not for me.

I slowly started incorporating better foods into my diet and changing up my lifestyle but I never committed enough to see it through until the end and obtain obvious results. I was also very confused where and how to start, because there is so much information out there about what is right and wrong. The main problem was that I didn't give any program I created for myself time so that I could actually see results and see if it works.

RIGHT NOW:

Now I want to stick to my plan for longer than one or two months at a time. I want to achieve results that will last and work on my confidence too. I am currently 173 cm tall (which is roughly 5,8 feet) and I weigh 65 kg (roughly 143 pounds). Though I am tall I feel like I am quite heavy since I do not have that much muscle mass so the lbs are higher than I wish they would be, because of fat. I have stubborn belly fat while I'm not really visibly round in any other areas of my body as much. Of course you cannot spot reduce (I will write about that in one of my future posts too) so I will have to lower my body fat percentage and gain a lot of muscle mass in general to see the belly fat disappearing too, since I am striving for a stronger not skinnier body.

Right now I'm in a good place, though I still have many things to focus on to perfect my daily routine. I've been working since the start of the year (6th January, 2020) and lost 4,5kg (roughly 10 pounds) in five weeks. I constructed a workout and diet plan for me as well as I could, since I haven't got that much control over a lot of things going on in my life because I'm still in school and have work to focus on besides my fitness goals, though I am trying to make them a bigger priority in my life.

Some people said that this program seemed a bit challenging for a beginner when they took a first look at it. That's why I wrote a short paragraph in which I spoke about my work out habits above. They are not that bad and I tend to work out quite a lot so I’m not in such a bad shape - food will be a bigger issue for me. If the program seems though for you and you do your workouts completely differently, I encourage you to continue doing it your way. The same goes for if you think it is too easy. I designed this the way I did, because I know what I am capable of right now and what I would like to be capable of in the future.

MY PROGRAM:

Duration: 8 months (until the end of August)

Goal: Build strength and muscle mass, achieve a flatter belly and leaner physique, gain confidence, build better habits

Workouts:

I've tried many workouts on the internet already and I decided to follow some good fitness channels on Youtube and follow their work out videos, since I don’t have time to go to an actual gym. I will link them in some future posts. I made a weekly workout schedule too.

On Mondays I do half an hour to an hour of yoga targeting my core (abs), on Tuesdays I do body weight exercises targeting the legs and the glutes, on Wednesday I have another day of body weight exercises targeting the abs and on Fridays I have weightlifting to strengthen my arms and back.

I also have one active rest day every week when I am allowed to do nothing or just some light cardio. That is Thursday for me, because I arrive home late (around 7 p.m.) and it's the day that is the most tiring for me in the whole week.

On weekends I have one scheduled full body workout on Saturdays. I usually do pilates or some HIIT workouts. On Sundays I can take a day of if I feel like it, because I don't want to push myself over the edge but if I feel alright I do an hour of cardio.

Speaking of cardio, it is one of my favourite workout categories because I love to run, dance, hike, swim… and these are all workouts that fall into the category. I try to do cardio at least three times a week even if it isn’t scheduled (just because I actually enjoy doing it) but if the weather is nice I take a walk everyday anyway, since I like some peace to think and be alone.

Through the week I work out at around 6 p.m. and on the weekends in the morning or at least before noon.

Dieting:

For me it is really hard to meal prep since I am in high school and I have a lot of my meals prepared for me by other people. I evaluated my eating habits and realized I consume too much sugar and carbs and my diet lacks fiber. I can’t completely follow a low-carb diet but I will be aiming towards consuming less carbs and try to eat food which is low in sugar and high in protein and fiber.

I also challenged myself to eliminate all sugar I could from my diet for at least 40 days but I can happily say that I'm already on day 45 (I started on the 6th of January) – I decided to just continue with it and try to reach 70 days. I planned it for a long time and I can say I am quite satisfied with the outcome. I've tried including a lot of healthy foods, vegetables and high protein foods and minimize foods with a lot of carbs but there are days when I just don't have the option to eat anything but something high in carbs or not as healthy as I would wish it would be.

If you want to, I will definitely write a post about what I eat in a week after I test it out, see how effective it is and perfect it completely.

I have already tried intermittent fasting (will be explained in future posts) in the past once and it worked miracles for me. I felt more energized, way less bloated and I felt better in general. I will incorporate it into my diet again I decided to do a 16:8 ratio – I eat in a time frame of 8 hours. That equals 16 hours of fasting where I don't consume any food I just drink a cup of green tea in the morning.

Drink:

I used to drink very small amounts of water throughout the day but I carry my water bottle with me everywhere I go now and I try to drink as much as possible. These are my main rules for drinking:

-drink 2 water bottles of water a day

-one cup of green tea in the morning (or lemonade)

-don't drink milk in the evening

Sleep:

I try to go to sleep before 11 pm and get up around 6 or 7 am. For me it is pretty hard, because I am a night owl, but I do try, since I see a big difference in my energy and ability to work efficiently throughout the day.

…

That is how I designed my workout and diet program. All details will be specified in further chapters since it is still a bit rough around the edges (especially the diet part), but I cannot meal prep since it is really hard for me to prepare my own food.

I thought I should explain what and how I'm doing everything, since I will be writing about it. This is a basic overview and I didn't really go into detail. If you want me to be more precise, especially about my eating habits and how I'm trying to change them, I will make a post about it. This is just my story and my program. I can't guarantee any of these things would work for you or your body but maybe you will get any idea or find some useful information. You now know my story and my goals.

I always struggled with my self-esteem and body image but I am on the path to changing everything and I want to share the lessons I'm learning and my story with you. I hope it motivates you and you can see you are not alone. You should also remember that even though my measurements and fitness goals don't match yours and you maybe see different numbers than me, you aren't working any less hard or doing anything wrong nor should you be discouraged. We are all on our individual journeys and you have the exact same chance of reaching your goals as I do or anyone else reading this blog.

Whenever I start doubting myself I just avert my thoughts somewhere else because I am positive we all can do this. Remember to love yourself no matter your weight. We are all beautiful and what we are doing and the changes we're making are only to better ourselves physically and mentally but our weight or appearance doesn't define us nor does it define our worth.

Thank you for joining me on this journey!

-M

#health #healthy eating #healthy recipes #fitness #fitwomen #fitbody #fit #lose weight #goals2020 #body goals

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screamingintosilence · 5 years ago

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You Were the Greatest Thing (That Ever Happened to Me)

Songfic Writing Challenge Day 10

Terrible Things - Mayday Parade

Warning: Major Character Death

Jughead Jones watched in amusement from across the yard as his 16 year old son brushed a hand through his own dark locks, looking nervous and slightly sweaty as he stuttered over his words while talking to the beautiful red headed 15 year old daughter of Archie Andrews and Veronica Lodge.

To his chagrin, Betty had put her foot down during pregnancy and that's how their sweet, beautiful baby boy ended up being named Forsythe Pendelton Jones the Fourth. FP had laughed heartily when they told him, he knew it was definitely Betty's choice. But when their little guy came into the world, screaming, pink, and a head full of downy black hair, Betty had looked at him with a smile that said, “See? He's your son and I was right.”

And she was right, she was always right. The only concession she gave him when it came to their child's name was letting him pick out a nickname because “Betts, if that's going to be his name, we’re not actually calling him that.” And that is how Cooper Jones the Fourth made his entrance into their lives.

He watched as his son turned and ran towards him, smile splitting across his face and all Jughead could think was his much he looked like Betty in that moment. His eyes, his nose, his cheeks, they all came from his wife.

“Hey Dad!” Cooper was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“Son,” Jughead smirked at the boy while raising the glass of sweet tea to his lips.

“Can I borrow your truck? I finally did it! I asked Jules to the movies and she said yes!” Both Joneses looked over to where the redhead girl was excitedly talking to her mother, the look on Cooper’s face one of adoration. Jughead smiled, it reminded him of how he must have looked when he first fell in love with Betty.

“Don’t stay out too late. You behave tonight, ok? And you treat her right Bud, got it?” The ring of keys rested on the older man's finger, waiting for his son to take it.

“He always does, Mr. Jones!” the young Juliet Andrews cut in, skipping over to them, not realizing how her words made Jughead's heart stutter and stop for a few moments before picking up again.

“Always! Thanks Dad!” Cooper grabbed the keys before interlocking his fingers with the petite girl next to him, both getting lost in each other as they walked to the front of the house where he had parked when they came over to the Andrews’. Neither teen noticing how tears brimmed in Jughead's eyes.

He felt a slim arm loop itself through his own at the same time as a heavy, familiar hand came to rest and squeeze his shoulder.

“B and I used to joke about this happening,” he heard Veronica softly say next to him as she too squeezed his arm, resting her head on his other shoulder. “We would talk about just how long it would take them, like how long it took for you two.”

The tears started to slowly fall. “He must take after me,” he let out a watery laugh. “I'm pretty sure he's been in love with her since I told him what love was. Probably took until reading his mom's words from when we were his age about how she wished I would just make a move for him to pluck up his own courage.”

The pressure from the hand his redhead best friend increased. “You were the very best thing to happen to her, Jug. Believe it. She glued us all together, figuring out in her Betty way just how this crazy jigsaw fit together.” He nodded, sniffling to keep from sobbing.

“She did,” he swiped at his eyes. “It's been nearly eleven years, but it still feels like yesterday, ya know?” He could see tears rimming Archie's eyes as Veronica let hers stream down her cheeks as they both nodded.

“Let's get you home, Jug,” Archie's arm wrapped securely around his friend’s shoulders as Veronica's hand dropped to his, holding it firmly. He might have always been friends with Archie, but it was Betty's doing that they had stuck together through even the toughest of times; and it was Betty who had brought the whirlwind that was Veronica Lodge into his life, even if it was begrudgingly at first.

It had been hours since the Andrewses had seen him safely home. He had pulled some of Betty's old journals from her last few days to read, a habit of his from the past ten years.

His was reading over her passage from the day she had told him the news, his heart breaking over every sentence.

I told Juggie the news today, it didn't go well. I had gotten the call this morning from the doctor that my results came in. It was devastating. Juggie and Cooper were out having a boys day with FP and I just didn't have the heart to interrupt to have him come with me.

Crying in the middle of a doctor's office without my husband definitely makes it on my top 5 most embarrassing moments... But I won't have many of those moments left to make, I guess.

I've been in tears all day, but there's nothing to be done about it. I was told that I can still give it a shot to fight this, but the cancer was progressing so rapidly that my chances are very slim. The oncologist said that my counts have jumped exponentially and that I'm already Stage 4. Stage 4 cancer at 33….

Cooper is only 5, what will Juggie do? He's the most amazing dad, I know he'll be ok, but God, I'm far from it. There won't be chances to see him grow from my tiny little squirt to being as tall as Jug. There won't be any Homecoming, Formal, or Prom pictures of me pinching his cheeks. I won't get to meet the person he'll fall irrevocably in love with and I won't get to tell him that that's how it was with his father.

I know Jug will do all of these things, and he'll be wonderful and amazing and everything or baby boy needs. It's just so hard to come to terms with one’s own demise.

And Jug, God, Jug. We won't have our 90 years together like we joke about. I don't know if we'll even have 1. God what I would give for the assurance of just one more year together.

I love him more than all the stars in all the galaxies. He was everything I ever needed, always there for me from the beginning. God, I don't know if he even knows how much I love him, how much he means to me.

I-

The front door opened as Jughead hastily wiped the tears from his cheeks and dabbed at the page of Betty's diary gently, careful to try and not smudge it even more from where his past years and even hers had fallen.

His 16 year old son, his and Betty's pride and joy, waltzed in with a look of having his head in the clouds. Jughead smiled, though some rouge tears still fell free.

“You guys have a good time?” His question came out a little choked, causing Cooper to come to, taking in the scene of his father on the couch, nose and eyes red, with his mother's journals in front of him.

“Yeah, the movie was good. Jules was just…” His eyes got a little dreamy at the mention of his best friend, now potentially girlfriend. “You ok, Dad?”

“Yeah, just…” Jughead trailed off.

Cooper sat next to him wrapping an arm around his shoulders, shoulders that used to carry his son on them for hours, but now felt like they carried the world, especially in moments like this. “Just missing Mom?”

Jughead tried swallowing past the lump in his throat, wiped his hands over his face, and nodded. “Yeah. She would have been so proud of you, Cooper. You were her baby boy, and now you're all grown up.”

Tears filled the young man's emerald green orbs (ones just like his mother's) as he ducked his head to gather his thoughts.

“You know, she was terrified of being a mother, scared after the way she was raised and seeing how crazy your Aunt Polly. But God, Cooper, you made her so happy. She took one look at you and it clicked. She looked at me and said, ‘This is it, Jug. This is how it was always meant to be. I was always meant to be his mommy and you his daddy.’ And like always, she was right. I was always meant to be your dad. You made it so easy, you were such a wonderful baby and child. You have me the strength and will to keep going, Buddy.”

Jug pulled Cooper into a tight embrace, kissing the top of his head. He could feel the tears staining his shirt from where his son's head rested.

After a few moments of silence, the younger man pulled back, wiping away the tears that lingered on his face.

“Dad?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you tell me about the time that you first kissed Mom again?”

Jughead laughed. “Sure, Bud. Well I had went over to her house one afternoon to see how she was. We had snuck into The Sisters of Quiet Mercy, where your grandparents had put Aunt Polly when she was pregnant with the twins, the day before.” Cooper was nodding along. Jughead had told him this story so many times now but it was one of his son's favorites.

“We got caught by your grandmother, and she was so furious that she kept your mom home from school without access to her phone. So naturally I grabbed the ladder from your Uncle Archie's dad's garage and scaled the side of the house to your mom's window.” He gave his son a stern look suddenly, “Don't even think about doing that with Jules, you hear me? Your aunt would kick my ass.”

Cooper snorted, “I won't, but Aunt Veronica wouldn't do that. She loves me too much to care,” he grinned mischievously.

Jughead jokingly cuffed his ear, “Let’s not test that theory, shall we?” The young man laughed, settling down one more.

“So, anyways. I could see your mom through the glass looking very serious and contemplative, kinda like how you get sometimes. She was still trying to solve everything in that beautiful blonde head of hers, and I just knew that that was my moment. I had loved her for years already, but seeing her be Nancy Drew,” he looked down at the floor, his mind conjuring up the image of his love. “She was something else, Coop.

“I knocked on her window to get her attention, thinking I was so clever and smooth. I remember the first thing I said was ‘Hey there Juliet, nurse off duty?’” Cooper snorted again. “Yeah, it was as cheesy as it sounds, but God, your mom? She just brought that mushy side out of me.” He grinned at the memories.

“You know, that's where Jules got her name.”

“Wait, what? You never told me this. How?” Cooper looked bewildered at the new information.

“Yeah. After the complications of your birth made it so we couldn't have any more kids, your aunt decided that she would use the name for us. She loved your mom so much and knew how much she wanted to name a little girl Juliet that Veronica said she'd name her daughter that to honor her. Jules was originally going to be named Elizabeth but your mom insisted that they go with Juliet once you were born.”

Cooper sat, stunned that the love of his life got her name from his parents love story.

“Betty desperately wished she could watch the man you would become, she's so proud of you, Bud. I just know it.” Cooper's and Jug’s eyes glistened.

“She's so proud of you too, Dad.”

“Thanks, Coop. Now, enough sad. Tell me about your date,” giving his son the biggest shit-eating grin.

“Daaaad-”

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cherry-flavoured-dreams · 4 years ago

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10 days of school left. Already done some of my final exams and I'd say I did okay. Here's how I felt about them

Biology-i actually found that quite easy. Grade 5 or 6 I'd say

Physics- I didn't do great but I think I did better than I expected (I hate it) 4 or 5

Maths non calc - I actually didn't so that bad I hope. Maybe a grade 5? Maths is my weak spot

Maths calc 1 - probabaly terrible. Like a grade 3... I pray i get at least a 4 on that

Art- I don't want to sound cocky but I'm certain I'm getting a grade 7 or above, hopefully an 8 or 9. I'll be disappointed with a 7 but an 8 will be good enough for me

IT- I'm also certain I got one of the highest grades. My coursework looks so much better than most people's in my class. Not because I have a high ego but... Genuinely... Like... How are some peoples work that bad. A yellow background with white text and random images stuck onto a page doesn't look like a magazine to me. *cough that one kid who sits behind me to the to right somewhere*

History-I'm actually proud of how much better I did. I asked my teacher and she said I did so so so much better than my last results so I'm certain I got something above a 2 lmao. She marked my first test so harshly. How did i get only 4 marks out of 16? I should of gotten at least 10. It wasn't amazing but it was okay. At least this time I did much better. Maaaaaybe a grade 6 or 7?

RE- easy grade 9. Literally the easiest subject ever. I don't understand how people fail Re. Since year 9 I've been getting the highest marks in the class and grade 8s and 9s. I have plenty of evidence so if they don't give me at least a grade 8 I will be suprised. Very suprised. I have 3 tests saved where I got two 9s and an 8 and if these two tests I just did went well, that even more evidence.

Sociology - meant to do it next week. I've done really well in my past tests so I'd say around a grade 8. Last time I was 1 Mark off a grade 8 😤 and its only because my teacher undermarks. He admitted it himself.

English - I hope i got at least a grade 6. I wouldn't say I'm amazing at English but I'd say I'm above average. I got distinction (top marks) on my speaking skills and I can do creative writing well, I'm quite good at the other things too. I don't really need maths or science or English in my life though. As long as I get good grades for art and IT I'll be good to go

So yea that's a lot of different grades. What I predict I'll get in a nutshell:

Art: 8

IT: 9

English: 6

Maths: 5

Sociology: 8

Science: 6

History: 6

I know my dad will be annoyed at me for my grades no matter what. He always picks out the negatives instead of congratulating me on my positives. I came back home once with my report card and I had one negative and he got really angry instead of being proud I got good grades on the rest.

Well. After all of this life is gonna truly behind huh? Or is it after Collage? Or did it already begin?

When does life really begin?

I don't know. But I can't wait till I have all the freedom in the world.

#Spotify

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werewolfmagic · 4 years ago

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So, here's my playlist of my life as it has been so far. I may update it, but this is what every song on it means to me as of what was on it 30 June 2020.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9_zyjXfClT3ymeEbJNz-a3oWHgs_isWM

1. Lalasweet- So, this first area of the playlist is themed to be my foreign songs. This first one I first heard in college at Radford University. I spent a lot of my time in college walking around listening to music. This one means a lot to me because I can still feel myself walking around campus when I hear it. I see myself very clearly walking in front of the gym, heading to my sociology class in the morning with my fruity tea from Starbucks. I felt so calm back then, the pain from high school just evaporated as I listened to this song.

2. PEEP SHOW- So, this song took a lot of effort for me to find after I first heard it in college. It was written in characters and I couldnt for the life of me get it translated so I could find it on YouTube. But hey, here it is. I sang this song and the previous song to myself a lot as I walked around campus. The same image appears in my head whenever I listen to it.

3. Crossing Field- This one is a trip for me. So, Sword Art Online was my first anime way back when in high school. This is the first opening song to it. This song also got me into listening to japanese music! Sword Art still holds a special place in my heart. I actually read nearly all the books that have been published, and I've seen so much of it. Another sword art song is actually later in the playlist, and it captures more of how the anime makes me feel. This song and this anime mean so much to me. A lot of good came from anime for me.

4. Kakumei Dualism- I've never seen what this is from. But, in high school while I had to wait on my dad to pick me up, this was the first song I learned how to sing in Japanese. So, I couldnt ride the bus because people were dicks to me. I wouldnt get a seat, people would push me around and generally be assholes. So I waited in the lobby for my dad to pick me up after work every day. He got off around 5 usually, and school ended around 3:30, so I had time to kill. This song got me into trying to learn Japanese and learning how to sing!

5. Bye Bye Yesterday- Ahhhh this anime omg! The ending made me cry so hard I would highly recommend watching it. I used to listen to all of the songs from it on my way to therapy in college, so I learned how to sing this as I walked the 1 and a half mile walk I believe it was once every week after I got out of the hospital. This song and this anime give me so many good feelings and good memories.

6.Masayume Chasing- Again, great Japanese song from an amazing anime I love! I listened to this in my room a lot after my dad picked me up. I remember crying a lot while this song was on, I felt so isolated and alone. This song was beautiful to me though, and it got me into listening to BoA. I spent so many hours listening to her music in high school and college!

7. RE:make- This band was just epic to listen to. I forgot I ever found them, I just remember like jamming out to their music once I found them, and when I lost spotify premium, I sorta stopped listening to a great band.

8. Bloody Mary: I got into two bands because if Noragami. Helli Sleepwalkers was one. I used to sing Bloody Mary so often I still think I have it memorized. I sang it to myself in high school and in college, it's practically a mantra now. More on Noragami in a bit.

9. Let me hear- This is from another anime, Parasyte. Great anime, but I honestly like the band more than the anime. Two of my closest friends in high school, Rachael and Maria, I showed this song to them. I still remember sitting in Rachael's room with them, showing them this song. More on both of them when we get to some association songs, there's a lot.

10.Wagakkiband- Great band, I discovered them in high school. I actually dont know what my favourite song by them is, I cant read kanji so I could never find it. I just cried a lot to their music in high school. I would turn it up so my dad couldn't hear my cry, and I would just sob for hours.

11. History Maker- I'm not sure why, but this has always been a hopeful more lovey song to me.

12. Everything- This song means a lot to me. I discovered this band through Noragami too, I loved that anime I read so much of the manga too because season 3 still isnt out. The oral cigarettes got me through a lot, and I mean a lot. I've always actually wanted someone to sing this song to. It's a love song, I've memorized it so I can sing with the song. I've always dreamed of one day singing this to someone who means everything to me. If you ever get the chance to translate it, this song defined how I viewed love for a while. I still hope one day i can sing this song to that special someone,I just hope I get the chance to.

13. Anohona- This is a real cry song for me. Whenever I felt worthless, i would listen to this. The anime is a real tearjerker too. The line "Something must be wrong with me" resonates with me to this day. People who love each other drifting apart, and blaming yourself for it. I cried to this song for countless hours, I really feel like it defined me for so long. I'm actually listening to it as I write this and I'm already crying because of it. It just always makes me feel like there truly is something wrong with me.

14. God knows- This is a song like Everything. I really want to sing this for someone who means the world to me one day, I've practiced it so much! I hope one day I get the opportunity to sing this to who I truly love. Honestly, this feels like a song for someone who is struggling. I wish i could sing it to my love when she truly needs it most. Because yeah, "I will follow you, no matter what we go through." If you listen to this song love, please know that I feel it could mean something to you too.

15. Catch the moment- this is the other sword art song. I got to watch the movie this came from with my dad. It's one of the last things we did together before we drifted apart when I came out. We went to a super fancy restaurant that night, i had vietnamese food for the first time, and i watched an amazing movie with my dad. I really treasure that memory, and I always will. More on my dad later on.

16. Bebe- Time to change themes. These songs relate to my music career in highschool. I was in marching band, jazz band, and concert band. I played Alto Sax. I always worked towards playing this song. I got the Jimmy Dorsey Sax guide as a Christmas gift from my aunt. And I used it to get better. I never could make it to this level though. I always worked towards it but I fell short. My best in this song was the first few lines of music with no mistakes.

17. String of Pearls- My sophomore year in high school, I played the sax solo from this. It's the performance I'm most proud of. It took a lot of effort, and I fucked up when I finally did it, but I'm really proud of myself for accomplishing what I did. It made me really happy to get to do this solo.

18. Law and Order- I learned to play this on sax too! I actually wanted to perform it in concert, but I was never allowed to. This show means a lot to me. Growing up, I used to sit with my dad and watch it with him. This was way back in elementary school when we did this, and I have a lot of fond memories of watching this show with him and talking with him. It felt like we never really spent enough time together.

19. Pink Panther- I would say this song is what I'm most proud of learning on my own. I never performed it, but I did show off with it during jazz band. I was so proud of myself when I managed to growl with the song! I feel like I really nailed the style of this song.

20. Your latest trick- This is another solo I'm really proud of teaching myself! I never played it, but damnnnn I fuckin nailed it when I played it.

21. Deacon Blues- I would always suggest this song to my band director for us to play in concert. We never did do it though. I love the solo, and I spent so many hours learning how to play this song and just vibing listening to it.

22. Zoor Suit Riot- This is the song I listened to a lot during band camp one year. Band camp was always an experience, I have a lot of stories from it, but this one hurt me, and this song I associate with that pain. My dog, Jake, he was an Autralian Shepherd. He was attacked by a pit bull. He died while I was at band camp. I knew he was sick before I left, and I wanted to stay with him, but my dad convinced me I should go because if I didnt I wouldnt have been in marching band that year. I regret going. I wish I spent my dog's last day with him. He was the best dog I ever had, I raised him. My family didnt even tell me he died until a month later, they just kept saying he was with my grandfather. I really miss my dog, and this is the song that reminds me I shouldve stayed home with him.

23. Centerfold- This is the song I associate with the good side of marching band! This was a stand tune we played during football games, and I really could like dance and jump around while playing it! It was a super fun experience!

24. Radioactive- Heres the bad side of band. My junior year, there was a solo in this song in marching band. We were allowed to audition for it. I tried so hard to get an audition with my band director. He kept saying to ask him tomorrow during pre camp. I said I could come in early, or I could stay late any day, but he kept blowing it off. He said I could do it first day of band camp. I asked when I got there, he said wait until tomorrow. The next day, he gave away the solo to his favourite person, and nobody even got to audition. He just chose his favourite. That really fucked with me. My senior year of highschool, the band director picked on me a lot too. There were so many problems in band, and he always blamed me. I was yelled at because I told the drum major we had to move because the susophones would run into a car if we didnt. I was yelled at for reporting drug use. I was going to kill myself because what was my life at that point was making me miserable. This is the first time i ever cut, this was the first time i wanted to die and i was going to act on it. Maria saved me, and i quit band. More on maria below. This song just reminds me of how fucked up the whole situation was.

25. Honeybee- This is the first of my people association songs! This one is for Maria, my sister. You aren't the first person I made a list of songs for and got one from love. Maria and I had the idea first. I felt it would help us get closer as sisters! This was when we were house sitting for rachael that we did this. The first time I didnt have nightmares was when we shared a bed and snuggled together. Honeybee was one of her songs. She saved me from band. She saved me from myself. She never really understood my depression, but she always helped. Shes also who I came out to first when I came out as trans. She helped me learn how to pass as a girl, and she accepted me for me. I've always loved talking to her, she'll always be one of the people I'm closest to. Shes family. Emily is too, that's my other sister. I dont have a song for Emily sadly, but she means the world to me too. Hell, if you want to know more about any of what I'm saying or more about these people, just ask me love and I'll tell you everything. You still have my number, and you can always message me on here.

26. Mona Lisa- This is my first of two for Rachael's songs. Rachael is the second person I came out to, and she helped me along with maria. I actually ran away from home on Christmas 3 years ago. My dad's girlfriend started yelling at me and I just ran away. I texted Rachael on Christmas Eve and she came and picked me up on the side of the road. I spent Christmas that year with her family and her. I spent next christmas there too. Rachael has always helped me through a lot. She also never really understood my depression, but shes always been a good friend.

27. Fox on the run- This is Rachael's other song. She used to pick me up every morning and take me to school. We would listen to music and chill together on the car ride, and this was one of the songs. I always treasured my time with her, and I often think back on those car rides.

28.Tattered Banners- This song is for Kris. I played dnd at a shop called Mishap Games while I was in high school. Kris was one of my friends there. One of the times I ran away, she got me. I spent the night at her apartment, and she introduced me to her dad, lastweektonight, and amon amarth. When I came out to her, we traded clothes. I gave her my old boy clothes cause she liked plaid, and she gave me the clothes that were too femme for her, and it's because of her I was able to dress the way I wanted to when I came out in high school. I'll always appreciate her for that.

29. Peace of Mind- These next 4 songs are associated with my dad. This one is a positive song. I would vibe with my dad and listen to his albums when we moved out. My mom cheated on my dad while I was in high school, and I chose to stay with him. He introduced me to so much rock music. Boston was one of my favourite bands of what he showed me. I still listen to them to this day and smile and think of the time I spent with my dad. It will always make me happy knowing he chose to spend so much time with me to make sure I was taking the divorce okay.

30. Paperback writer- my dad introduced me to the Beatles too. This song struck a chord with me because I wanna write books one day lmao. I love so many more of their songs too, i had a saxophone book of their music so i can actually play a lot of Beatles on sax too!

31. Pinball wizard- Yet another good memory with my dad. He got me hooked on music from the British invasion, so the who, the stones, the animals, the kinks, so many good bands he showed me! I love the time we spent together.

32. Cats in the cradle- Heres the negative of my relationship with my dad. I feel like he never really had time for me once he met deana and before the divorce. He spent more time with me when he and my mom split up,but then he just stopped. I really hope I didnt do anything wrong. Dad, if you ever read this, I'm sorry if me resembling my mom ever hurt or anything. I'll always love you dad, please pick up and call me back dad, please? I miss talking to you, I miss my dad. I know you're busy, but please? Just 5 minutes dad, please just call me if you ever see this I miss you. I love you dad. I learned a lot from you dad. I hope I'll make you proud of me, I hope I get to see you one last time before August 14th. It might be my last chance to see you. I love you dad, I hope you're proud of me.

33. Fireflies- This is my Gillian song. She fucked me up for years. She changed me. She wanted me to be her Ashe, and Ashe wasn't me. I didnt want to be Ashe but I loved Gillian. I let her change me as a person so that I could be good enough for her, but all she ever did was block me over and over, and unblock me and insult me. I dont know why I loved her so much but I did. She just tried to change me and I didnt want to change but I did for her. There's still a part of me that struggles to remember who I was before Gillian. I hate Ashe, I hope I never become Ashe ever ever again. I really never want to struggle like that again.

34. Imitation of Life- New theme! Let's talk about periods in my life. This was the song I listened to on an up. It gave me hope surprisingly. It taught me a lot about how to approach life. If you watch the video love, it keeps focusing on different scenes going on in a clusterfuck that is life. It just looks like a normal party at first, but there's so many little stories going on as the camera focuses on different parts. This song taught me theres a lot going on I cant see, and I should approach life assuming I dont know all the details. I need to focus on different parts, and then I'll see all the little things that make life beautiful.

35. Mr. Brightside- This is another up song for me! This song really helped me learn to smile and bear it. Like, this song helped me figure out how to smile again, and that if I smile more, life gets better and better the more I smile. It was just hard sometimes. I still struggle to smile, ya know love? You made me smile again though. You really helped me love!

36. Toxic- Fuck me sideways this song. I never have been in a good relationship, and this song kinda defines that. Everyone I've been with is toxic, and I shouldn't have loved them, but I did. I just was under their control. If any of the people that hurt me read this, I forgive you. You fucked me up, but I cant hold a grudge against anyone.

37. Monster- I truly believe I am a horrible person. A monster. I have never been able to do enough for anyone. I have never been able to make everyone happy. I have never been able to help everyone. I'm a disappointment. I'm a disaster who let's down her friends. I've never done enough for people and i can never go back and fix it. I can never save everyone. I can never help everyone. I wish i could help the world, but i feel incapable of doing that.

38. Kiri- This is another cry song. I spent hours in my room after school just with this blaring and crying my eyes out. I wished someone would save me. You have saved me though, love. You saved me from myself.

39. Bad Day- Lmao this song. Every time I had a shitty day I listened to this. I listened to this song every day for at least a year straight. Every day felt like a shitty day. Every single one. I just wanted to kill myself. I'm surprised I didnt. I still dont understand how I'm alive to this day. I dont know if I'll ever know how I kept going.

40. 11 minutes- This is one of the songs I associate with being ghosted. It feels like it always happened. I would make a friend, then a week later they just left me. I felt like I would always be alone. This was my college ghosting song. I made so many friends in classes, swapped numbers, then just nothing. I never heard from any of them ever again. I really felt worthless.

41. Telephone Line- My high school ghosting song. I had so many people promise me they would stay in touch. The only people from high school that talk to me are Maria and Rachael. Everyone else just doesnt care about me. And I get it. I'm worthless. It just hurts still. One person promised we would get together next summer, then when I texted her she ignored it, and posted not even a week later how happy she was to be back with everyone from high school.

42. In love with a killer- My first of 2 link songs. It's because of him I might go to jail, but more on that below. This song I associate with the abuse from him. He held me down, and cut his name into my back. He threw me on the floor and pissed on me and made me clean it with my tongue. He beat me. He stole my phone and texted people pretending to be me and made what few friends I had hate me. I lost everyone because of him. He just beat me and belittled me. He made me use my area even though I was uncomfortable. He made me give him head on his period, this he posted on his Facebook calling me a sissy. He only referred to me as his f*gg*t or his sissy or his fairy, he never let me have friends, and he cheated on me. He told me he only married me so he could own me. I fell for him though and I dont know why. He always said if I didnt mess up he wouldnt have to hit me and it made sense. If only I was better he wouldnt hit me.

43.Designed to Kill- my second link song. I tried to leave him once before we finally ended things. He had hickies on his neck. Since I tried to escape him, he said those hickies were strangle marks. I never hurt him. Hes a fucking bodybuilder and I cant open a pickle jar. I spent a week in jail and they put me with the men because of my area. Now I'm facing felony charges even though I didnt do anything to him. I was the one being beaten. If I go to jail, I'll be going to one where the guards dont patrol. I'll be killed. I'm so scared hes going to take my life from me.

44. Because of you- This is my rape song. When I was 5 or 6 (I cant remember what age) I was molested by a high school boy named Ryan. I never understood what he did to me and I still cant unpack it emotionally. When I went to college, I was raped in my ass with a toy by a trans guy, and I was raped by a nonbinary girl. When I went to the police, they called me the rapist since a penis cant be raped, it can only rape. Someone I was with threatened to post my nudes online. This song is about all of them, and about link too. This is the song I associate with all the pain I've felt because of it, and the fear I have whenever I walk anywhere alone.

45. Call me- this is my treatment song. When I was in college, I planned to kill myself on December 15th, at 3 am, exactly 3 hours after my birthday. I planned to jump out of the window of the 5th floor of muse hall on radford campus. I told my friend mary one day and she reported me to the police. I was put under EDO and sent to a residential home. There I met some really great friends I have since lost touch with. There was a Wii with just dance there,and this was the song we did most often when we played it. That treatment place was horrible. They held me for so long, promised one on one therapy sessions every day but we never got it, and I started the worst medication. It was supposed to help me with my eating disorder by giving me an appetite. Well, I never felt full. I ate until I puked because of it. But my friends helped me, and eventually I left. I'm not sure if that place really helped me or not, but the people did. After treatment, I spent a month at Rachael's house, then a month at Maria's, then I went back to school and moved dorms. It was after I went here I was raped.

46. Bo peep- fuck this animation just made me laugh. I love creepypasta so much, and the scp foundation. Seeing my fav creepypastas made me laugh so much when I needed it. I discovered this video and song and the next one while i was with link, and this made me smile at least for a bit.

47. Bad end- the other creepypasta song. This one actually inspired a book idea! I really hope I get the chance to finish it one day, but I'm not sure if I ever will. We'll see though, right love?

48. Intergalactic- This song I just really vibed with in college. Honestly this song and the next one are grouped together. I have a hard time thinking of why i like it or what it means to me, but it does mean something to me.

49. Echo- I love this band, they wrote my all time favourite song. This is just another song I felt needed to be on my playlist but there isnt any other reason for it.

50. Drake and Josh- omg this show. I grew up loving this show! It really helped define some of my childhood and listening to this song really makes me smile a lot!

51. Take a hint- Victorious was another of those shows for me. Honestly though I included this for another reason. So, you know I'm trans. This show sorta helped me realize it when I was growing up, but I never came out or rationalized it until I talked to maria my senior year of high school. Fuck, one time growing up I was on a fashion site looking at dresses because I really loved them and thought they were super pretty and I wanted them! My brother saw and told my parents I was looking at porn. I said I was because I was embarrassed I wanted to wear a dress. I remember in kindergarten being jealous of Jaycee for wearing this really pretty purple dress. I remember growing my hair out so maybe a girl would braid my hair randomly like they did to other girls. I remember playing dress up with Samantha in kindergarten and my grandmother walking in on it and I felt so embarrassed for enjoying it. I remember wishing I could he a Disney princess. I remember taking scissors to my area and wishing if I cut it off I would be a girl instead. I remember coming out to my sister and being so afraid she would hate me for it. I felt so ashamed for how I felt. I remember being bullied when I came out. I remember being cornered in the bathroom by a group of guys and they said they would make me inti a real girl. I remember screaming and fighting until a student came in and gave me the opportunity to run. I remember going to prom and leaving in tears as people were getting dared to kiss me. I remember being driven to therapy by my friend's husband. I remember him telling me I should go back to his place cause he knows what's tr*nn**s like me like. I remember being chased to my dorm from dnd one night. I remember everyone who's ever grabbed my ass or my chest. I remember being outed to so many people by a psycho old woman and I couldnt even go pee because of her. I wish life was easier, but so many people hate me because I'm a freak.

52. Cantina- New theme! This is how nerdy I am lmao. I've always loved stuff like star wars and dnd and star trek. Honestly this song hits weird. I remember watching the original trilogy with my dad and loving it. And my best friend, colton, could play this song on clarinet. He, Andrew, and I were really close. I kinda associate this song with them. Their mom died and colton walked in on her body. They moved away and I just felt so useless to them. I could never be there for them the way they needed me, I could never help them.

53. Doctor who- I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCHHHHHH. OMG I GREW UP SO MUCH WITH THIS SHOW. This was my escape in high school. I learned how to play the theme on sax too! I just always resonated with this show and it means so much to me.

54. Moonquest- This is my nerdy theme still, but now with youtubers. I've loved the yogscast all through college. Watching their videos really helped me after I was raped. It helped me take my mind off of things. This song really makes me smile to this day because of what the yogs did for me.

55. Diggy diggy hole- this song did the same for me what moonquest did, but this group is just so important to me. I love their content and they really did help me a lot. I got to escape through their videos.

56. All the way- I grew up watching jacksepticeye, he helped me get through highschool. My Irish accent is because of him too, I still like to try and do an impression. I loved growing up watching his stuff.

57. I'm back, baby-markiplier, omg markiplier. This was my first youtuber. I subbed to him I think when I was in 6th or 7th grade, and I didnt miss a video until I lost internet after I moved to the apartment with my dad. I still watch nearly all of his videos. Hes an escape that I really appreciate. He really helps me every day, and I really wish I could meet him so I could tell him his videos helped save me.

58. Fly like a butterfly- Markiplier also inspired me a lot. He made me believe in myself, and his message really makes me want to be the best I can be. I want to accomplish my dreams, and his videos made me feel like he believed in me. I really hope I can keep striving to be the best I can be. If you've never seen his videos love, I hella recommend them, same to his other channel unus annus.

59. Everybody wants to rule the world- NSP. Ninja Sex Party. Lmao this band. It's a rock comedy group. This song means a lot to me. It felt really inspirational when I heard it. NSP also has a really wholesome message behind them, and I believe in myself because of them too.

60. Party of 3- another amazing song by them. After I was raped, I really escaped into their music. And when I had a rough go of it in high school, I escaped to their music. They've always been a sort of relaxation band for me.

61. Baby, NYC- I actually got to see TWRP, Starbomb. And NSP perform in silver spring Maryland. It was one of the last things my dad and I did together, the other being watch thr sword art movie together. This band just means so much to me. I could've only used one song from them and gotten the same message across, but they're so important I felt like I needed more than one. I hope that makes sense love.

62. Smash- starbomb also means a lot to me. I remember the mornings my dad drove me to school I would listen to them on the way there with him. Their music was always really funny to me too, and I love the games they parodied.

63. Rivers in the desert- time for my nerdy videogame theme! Persona 5 royal is my favourite game of all time. The story is really moving, the characters are really well written (yusuke is bae), and it was just such a great experience to play. If you ever get the chance to play it love, I highly recommend it. Fuck I cried so much while playing it, it just means so much to me it's so good, in my opinion it's the perfect game for me.

64. Fairest one of all- This song I heard from SCGMD4! It's a rhythm game, and I've always wanted to show this song to someone I love.

65. Hollywise- this song is from Super Crazy Guitar Maniac Deluxe either 2 or 3. It also means a lot to me. This game series got me into rhythm games, and I spent so many hours on Kongregate just playing games like this. Before steam, this was my gaming website.

66. Cat- minecraft. Oh minecraft. I have so many fond memories of doing a LAN party at a friend's house or just playing modded with my lil friend group in high school. It's such a relaxing game, I can just mine for hours and just chill talking to someone. I love building villages too!

67. Zelda theme- I can play this on sax too! I loved watching the game grumps play the legend of zelda games, and I've always had a soft spot for them. I just kinda grew up with this series.

68. Evil woman- This song I remember from GTA IV. That game got me through some shit too, I honestly loved the story in it and it made me feel really good going through the story. It felt so real in a way. I played through it so many times.

69. Top secret- I watched patrckstatic play Maize. It's a really funny game and it made me laugh so hard! I still think of it whenever I listen to this song.

70. Skyrim theme- I sunk so many hours into skyrim. It felt a little samish after awhile, but it was still a great game!

71. Halo theme- Halo 3 was one of my first ever games after the gamecube. Now, why did I include so many short blurbs from video games? I didnt exactly write paragraphs about these like my previous songs. Well, gaming was and still is how I connect with a lot of people. I made friends in Britain, Lousiana, Portland, New York, I still keep in touch with some people through games, gaming has just always been a social thing for me and I grew up playing video games with friends. This music helps me remember that.

72. Wolf blood- this is my dnd song. In high school, I ran dnd club. I taught so many people how to play! I also went to a store I mentioned earlier, Mishap Games, and I played all day, every Saturday, for about 3 years. I played online and I ran groups. I played in college at radford. Dnd was my escape from life, where i could pretend to be some hero or villain character. I didnt have to be eden, I could just play a game with friends. I felt really good playing with people! If you ever wanna learn how to play love, or play together or anything, definitely let me know! I'd love to share a game I'm in love with with you!

73. Finally, Jump Up, Super Star- This is my favourite song. I've always wanted to show this song to someone and tell them how much I loved them. I've always wanted to show this song to someone who's more important to me than anyone else in the world. I've always wanted to show this song to someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and make them happy. I want to show this song to someone I'll always be there for. I wanted to show this song to someone I wanted to jump up with, without a care, someone I wanted to go on the odyssey of life with! My first ever post was me dancing to this song. This song means the world to me love. I really want you to know I'll always be there for you for as long as I'm alive. You mean the world to me. Come on, jump up in the air. Jump up because you know I'll be there for you. Everything will always be okay. I'm here for you. I know you're going through a rough patch love, but I'm here for you.

EDIT: 74. The Last Unicorn- This is the song from the movie the last unicorn. It's my favourite book of all time, it made me cry so hard! It's an amazing fantasy book that turns some tropes on it's head. It is a fantastic read I would 100% recommend so I dont want to spoil anything it's just amazing.

Now, why did I decide to post all of this today? Well I want you to know more about who I am, and what defines me. I hope I can get some explanations on the songs from your playlist too if you're ever up for it. I just wanted to share with you who I am. And I wanted a record of how I've felt to live on after I'm gone, if I do go away in August. Maybe you'll look back on my playlist and smile and remember me? Maybe Jump up will give you hope like it gives me. Maybe you can smile and jump up and just not have a care in the world. I really hope that songs has some meaning to you like it has for me, love.

Love always,

Eden ♥️♥️♥️♥️

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frukgeneral · 7 years ago

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I've spent the past 6 hours just looking at videos and reading about this movie. I have the biggest need for this movie. Like you have no idea how much it already means to me. Like it has 88% on rotten tomatoes already and the tone of it makes my heart melt. It makes me cry just thinking about it and when I watch the trailers, I lose it and start crying. It just brings back so many memories from when I was 16-17 in high school and I hadn't even realized I had an attraction for girls yet I was still fiercely protective of my best friend who was (and still is) beautiful and how I wanted to keep her safe...and how I rejected my other best friend when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wasn't attracted to him. I had crushes on guys back then, but they would fade away or feel forced. I never felt like myself and I was always on my guard with guys because some would pick on me though I was a straight savage (no pun intended) and would bite with my words. It never felt right to be with a guy. And I think back to when I was 13 and I got asked out by a boy for the first time...and I rejected him, too. And one of my friends told me if i didn't have a boyfriend, people would say I was a lesbian. Fast forward 10, 11 years later and well...I am attracted to girls and I don't want to date guys. And seeing the trailers for the movie have made me feel like it is 100% Okay to be gay because I've never felt fully comfortable with myself or my sexuality because of the way I was raised. However, this movie has made me consider coming out to my parents because I relate to what Simon is talking about: "I'm done living in a world where I don't get to be who I am." I've considered suicide, I've cut myself, I have low self-esteem and a negative self-image, and I've been suffering from depression and anxiety. I don't want to be scared anymore. I wish my parents were as supportive and accepting as the parents Simon has, but I know mine love me and will come around to accepting me for who I am. Some day. It makes me emotional to think about because for the first time in a very long time, I have hope for my future. I am starting to finally see myself 10 years from now and anticipate coming home to my wife or girlfriend and feeling like everything is okay. Representation really does matter and this movie is helping with that. Even if I'm a girl and the protagonist is a guy, the struggle is the same and the struggle is real. I know everyone has different experiences, but we can all relate to the amount of stress being closeted produces. I didn't pick to go through this, but I really want to get through it. I want a love story, too. :')

I’m really excited for Love, Simon!!! Whenever I see the trailers, I start crying because it hits home. I need to go see it.

#the frog croaks #not hetalia #sorry for the huge ass paragraph #i have all these emotions right now okay #ive wanted to see this movie for the past 3 or 4 months #i am so excited

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obsessed-withthe-hales · 8 years ago

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(1/?)So, i have a really weird thing (topic?)I wanted to ask you about. It's kind of cringey and I understand if you don't answer this. I am a shy, social anxiety-filled fifteen year old that, much like yourself, is obsessed with the Hales, Teen Wolf, and a lot of other fictional t.v. shows/books. I'm also very overweight (trying to work on that though but lmao it's a process), and I'm also Christian. Honestly Idk why I am writing you with this but I've followed you for nearly a year now

(2/?) and I went anon because this is kinda aweird thing to bring up, but anyway, on with the point: my best friend, whoI've known for ten years now, has a boyfriend. They've been dating for roughlya year, and they've been having sex. She just turned 16 in December. I wasreally shocked when I found out. I knew that they had sex at least once a whilebefore this, but she told me that it went badly and that she changed her mindhalfway through it and that she felt like she was being forced (3/?) into it and all this other stuff but shestayed with him anyway. Anyway, Friday she told me they've been having sex fora while now actually and of course I always questioned why she was still withhim after that first time because why the heck would you want to stay withsomeone if you feel like they forced you into sex but it's not my life so whatever,at least they're using protection. Okay, further on to the point. There are alot of girls in my grade having sex. I took a vow of (4/?) abstinence a while ago because even though it seems to begetting harder and harder these days to wait until marriage, I saw a meme withJesus in it and a guy and a gal, they both had talk bubbles saying "Iconsent!" but Jesus had one that said "I don't!" And I guessthat got to me because the next thing I know I'm promising Jesus to wait untilmarriage (I'm being serious. I'm not trolling you right now. I'd find the memeand send it if you could do that on this) and I don't judge other (5/?) people if they choose to do different for the same reasonI don't judge people who've had abortions or people who participate inrecreational marijuana use: it's not my body so I'm not going to act like Ishould have an opinion over it. I've also never had a real relationship. Likeyeah, I had those stupid middle school relationships of convenience that lastfor like a week or a month and you where you kiss on the lips every once in awhile and yada yada yada, but never one where you go on (6/?) dates and change your Facebook status and actually developfeelings for the other person and I used to think it was because I'm fat, butI've realized that being fat does not make me ugly, so I started thinking it'sbecause I'm shy and started pushing myself to be more open and that stilldidn't work so finally I complained to my best friend (who I mentioned earlier)and she says it's because people know I don't "put out" and that it'salso because I'm smart and sometimes being pretty and (7/?) smart can be intimidating to people so, in her words,that's why I'm single. Even if it is why it still kind-- scratch that, REALLY,gets to me. And I know a lot of high school relationships don't last and thatthe real stuff doesn't happen until college but I've been feeling really lonelyfor a while now and I'm tired of no boys (or girls) ever taking an interest inme. I'm not saying I'd be the perfect partner in a relationship, but I know I'dtreat the other person with respect and give (8?/) what I have (minus my virginity unless they want to goahead and put a ring on it because I love Jesus), so why the heck is it thesetrampy girls who only care about updating their next Facebook status (I don'thave Facebook, I deleted it a couple months ago) always have boyfriends andgirlfriends and I'm over here spending my Saturday nights reading Teen Wolf fanfiction about fictional characters in amazing relationships and having to hearsecond hand about how amazing it is to (9/?) be in a relationship. And I'm not trying to sound like oneof those boy crazed teenagers whose lives revolve around being in arelationship because I know I can live without being in one. I know it's notthe end of the world if I never find a guy or gal or just don't until later inlife. Life goes on. The world keeps spinning. I just keep hearing about sex andboys and relationships from all these other girls and it makes me jealous andfrustrated and even more lonely all at the same time. (10/10) I am so sorry to flood your ask with my teenage angst haha.I didn't mean for it to turn into a rant and end up being this long. I guesswhat I'm trying to say is, from one Christian gal to another, can you relate?From what I gather you're only older than me by like four or five years so youmust remember what it was like to be fifteen and surrounded by girls like theones I've described. Any advice would be much appreciated but I understand ifyou don't respond. God bless xox

Wow, what a question haha! In all seriousness, I do hope that what I’m about to write can actually offer you some sort of comfort or reassurance or something along those lines. I’m about to pour my heart out, so be prepared!

First, a bit on the sex thing. WHY ARE PEOPLE HAVING SEX SO YOUNG I DON’T UNDERSTAND???? Like, how do you even know what everything is and where it goes and how it works and just.....what?!?! I have NEVER understood that! It completely baffles me. Especially after having sex!

I was 17 when I lost my virginity and (due to many complicated things that have happened since) I wish that it hadn’t happened, but I’m also grateful it did because I learned a lot and my life has taken a path I never quite imagined that it wouldn’t have otherwise. But God has really put abstinence on my heart in the last year and I have dedicated my life to that now.

So please, DO NOT DO ANYTHING YOU DON’T WANT TO DO. You CAN say no! And if you feel called to a path of abstinence, then you follow that path, darling! I think is wonderful and amazing and it really makes me so happy to hear.

However, I know how hard it is when everybody else around you seems to be having sex. Sexual temptation is hard, so hard to deal with. But God won’t give us anything we can’t handle!

Now...

I can honestly relate to so much of what you are saying on such a deep level that it is a little scary. Throughout school I struggled with my weight and my looks and I’ve always been socially awkward and kind of the ‘weird girl’. I’ve also always been rather smart, the top of my class, always got great grades and cared about my work, blah blah blah. Guys didn’t notice me, and the few that did weren’t ones that I necessarily reciprocated feelings for.

So, I know exactly how lonely, difficult and disappointing that existence can be. Especially when you see all your friends or just others around you getting hit on or dating people or in what seem to be amazing relationships.

But then came Ethan.

He and I were together for three years. That relationship was toxic right out of the gate. We were so off and on it was ridiculous. He used me for sexual things. He practically cheated on me, multiple times. And yet he’d tell me how much he loved me and cared about me and couldn’t be without me in his life. And I just took it. All of it.

Until one day I said, ‘I’m a human being and I deserve to be treated with respect and love’. To keep from boring you with all the gory details, I ended up breaking up with him several months after. And a lot of that breakup had to do with the fact that he was a major temptation in my life and God was telling me basically ‘hey, time to stop doing sexual things and start saving yourself for marriage!’

So trust me, relationships aren’t all they seem to be cracked up to be.

And now here I am, trying my best to be a single Christian girl in a world that seems to go very much against all of that (being single and a Christian). And it is tough. So very tough.

I am lonely. Hell, I was in a relationship for 3 years! I’m not used to this whole single thing lol so I completely understand. And all of a sudden it’s like nobody notices me again. I’m back to being that invisible girl, too shy to speak up and when she does it doesn’t seem to get her anywhere. Somewhere between pretty and not pretty enough, always stuck in the in-between of everything. Smart, but not quite smart enough. Skinny, but not quite skinny enough. Blah blah blah.

And it is SO frustrating to see all these people that look superficial or shallow or whatever getting all this attention when you know that you have so much to give. I feel that way all the time!

So I completely, 100% understand. I do!

But the most important thing to remember is that God loves you. He will always love you. You will always be His child, His beloved, made in His image and beautiful just the way you are.

I know it’s hard. It’s so hard. But let the Lord guide you, and I promise He will never steer you wrong!

You’re right, not having a partner right now isn’t the end of the world. But it does suck sometimes. And when those feelings settle in, turn to God for comfort and guidance. Let Him fill up that part that seems to be lacking. Because He’ll do it better than anybody ever could.

Honestly, honey, the best advice I can give is to just keep your chin up. Hold your head high, know your own worth, and don’t compromise it for anything. I know it sucks, I know it’s hard, I know it’s lonely. But one day, one day it’ll pay off. Trust in the Lord, He will provide! He will never give you anything more than you can handle. And He will always love you.

I hope this helped at least a little bit! Please feel free to message me privately if you feel comfortable or send in another anonymous message :) I will always be here to talk and try my best to offer advice and love!!!

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