#I have shit I need to buy for myself
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dispencer talk
#txt#my art#tf2#femfotress#<- idk how to tag this fuuuuck#tf2 spy#tf2 engineer#<- bagged and tagged#okay. now onto my blabbering.#ransom on everyone who sees this: ten notes orrrrr uhhhh im uh...#buying 400 keys and going in debt#I SPENT WAYYY TO LONG ON THIS#ok this is cool byt something is missing...#i kept going and going and going and#now we have this#last minute change i made engie's mouth open instead of closed bc she looked too awkward lol#uh. i know this is a dogshit spot on swiftwater its ok you dont have to tell me#lets say their team moved forward by a lot and theres no nest by that wall#i just NEEDED this to be swiftwater. there was no other map i had in mind that was what i wanted#also yes i made that screenshot myself heart#and i didnt search up that one fem spy design for reference but made shit up. yeehaw#OKAY ENOUGH HIT THE SLAY BUTTON#EDIT I FORGOT TO TAG THIS AS ->#engiespy#FUUUUUUUUCK
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Okay Here Is The Problem: everything costs money and yet money is something that i just literally never have. solution? kill the idea of money so that nothing costs anything Please. i'm so tired
#despite making more money w/ my commissions than ever before this year#i am still. not able to save up literally even one (1) single penny of it bc of bills#i have to make like 600 every month just to break even at like 5 dollars in my acct#please i am so fucking tired#i want to get myself things and do shit#i want to buy things for archie and jack's dog and for the house so that things are better for all of us#i want to be able to afford snacks more than once every three months like if i maybe want a bag of chips#instead of saving up for three months and going 'yeah okay 5 dollars for a normal sized bag of chips is finally worth it' ?????????????????#why the fuck are chips so expensive that is potatoes and spices and like all of it is automated hello?? what are we fucking paying for?????#ANYWAYS.#i am just fucking. Tired#due to recent events I was like#'okay how much are dog treadmills.... oh. i see. i will never be able to afford that even after three years saving. got it'#there are five hundred fundraisers on my dash (BARELY hyperbole) every single day and everybody needs help#so i COMPLETELY get people not having a ton of disposable funds this isn't me complaining about that i'm just.#i wish that i sometimes had money so that i could MAYBE save anything up or y'know. have ANYTHING to show for it#bc right now i am working full time at this job (commission/freelance artist and adopt maker etc) and making like maybe 4 dollars an hour#which is great bc when i started i was only getting about $0.11 an hour but like. that's still not. Good. For all the time i put into it#but due to circumstances and situations this is about all i'm physically and mentally able to do here and i LIKE doing commission but it's#not really. getting me anywhere and i just want to afford things finally.#i'm 27 and everything i own fits in one room and almost all of it was gifted to me for free bc i couldn't afford to get it on my own#delete later i'm just so tired man
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you know. i was also really worried i would come out of this like deeply resenting my parents or something like that but i think doing this made my own relationship with them a lot better in a weird way. their reaction made me feel like i understood them better than before
#z.gen#sorry i really am oversharing SO much LMFAO#but like. idk. it feels like all the effort ive poured into healing myself has finally bore fruit#it feels like the last piece of the puzzle for me#i try to practice as much humility as possible and keep to myself since i dont want to idk. spoil any progress by jumping ship rip#but all the time and effort and self reflection and coping just finally stuck. i understood why it wasnt working and i needed a reason#i need something to work towards and not limiting myself means i have that now. i can live my life now peacefully#shit is so beautiful like life feels so whole and complete#ive gone through such horrible shit but this was like. the last thing#and shit bru ive been through A LOTTTT for me to be saying this like shit is rlly sweet LMFAOOO#maybe ill buy some wine on wednesday and kick back
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wuh oh (<- lightheaded)
#marzi speaks#not a LOT. but some. found a bench and am reassessing my abilities + needs for the day#i’d hate to miss class but i’d hate to flare up even more#shit we have a final critique today…. but if i can’t make it i can’t make it. not much i can do about that#class is in 45 minutes. on a good day i could get there in 10#i need to print a thing. that’ll take anywhere between 2-15 minutes depending on how the printers behave#i also have to paint today. golly…#okay i for sure do not have the energy for both critique and a painting#i think i have to email my professor and let them know i can’t make it bc like. i am NOT gonna overexert myself rn#time to go chill in the student center for a few hours. gonna buy an apple juice + hopefully get my blood sugar up
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"The improvement isn't significant enough for advertising to be able to convey that it's so much better you should definitely spend money on it even if you played the original" isn't the winning argument a bizarre number of graphics-obsessed gamers think it is
#Like if you have to say 'no no you cant TELL that its better without spending nonrefundable money to buy it the adverts aren't accurate'#That is not actually an argument for 'this is so much better it justifies buying another copy' lol#That is an argument for 'its only worth it if you haven't played it or you're obsessed with it and want every iteration'#For the record i don't give a shit if u want to spend money on a remaster like that#Stars know i have games i have too many copies of myself#My issue is the people getting downright combative about anybody who expresses#'Nah this wasn't something i felt was needed and i see no point in buying it so im gonna skip it'#Anyway if you have to get defensive over gamers who aren't impressed by graphics maybe you should turn the games off and touch grass
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im happy to note that if i accomplished nothing else in 2024 the Year of Shadow, i did become autistic abt Shadow the Hedgehog
im adding a readmore so i can ramble to my hearts content. anyway yeah im a Sonic fan confirmed as of the past year. it’s been a long time coming and mostly very gradual, then in the last few weeks of 2024 i found out Shadow Gens existed and watched Penny Snapcube’s whole stream vod and. upon seeing the animated prologue i realized i was obsessed with this hedgehog
This Shadow plush comes from my grandma :D she’s had him + i think sonic, knuckles, and tails, for a good like 2 decades. A couple years ago my kid brother had a sonic phase so she gave them to him, but he’s over it now and let me have Shadow when i asked :]
The Sonic series has always been very nostalgic for me, having grown up playing Sonic & Knuckles at my grandma’s house on the sega genesis (in the same room i now live in actually!), and many hours of Sonic Heroes at home on the xbox. But I was never able to complete either game, and I hadn’t gotten the impression that it was a series that told big compelling stories. That is, until i got to watch a bunch of Snapcube videos and experience the series vicariously through people with a lot of love and passion for these characters and games! I was still kind of on the outside looking in when Frontiers came out but i was very excited for everyone that sonic games were getting good again. But by the end of 2024 i’ve realized that i myself have Become a genuine fan of the series. So thanks Snapcube :D I would have never reconnected with the series were it not for the very fun dubs and then the very fun stream vids as an entry point !
#chatter#image#i feel like i might have gotten much more Into sonic as a kid if i’d had access to the Adventures games. but alas#anyway yeah. ough. ough. hedgehog. shadow my beloved…. he’s so compelling#i’ve known the outlines of shadow’s story for a while but its really Clicked with me in the past month#dark beginnings punched me in the THROAT. like what the shit it’s so fucking cool and ohhhhh mannnnnnnnnnnn#they went off. they got me hooked#and i watched the full shadow gens playthrough and still needed to buy it myself immediately#sometimes a hyperfixation is very very gradual but also IMMEDIATE at the same time#i like shadow so much i want the best for him forever#im normal im normal im so normal abt shadow the hedgehog#sniffles
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Me: *Have been stressed for the last few days because of a toothache, visit to the dentist (I have a big phobia of dentists) and a tooth removal*
My brain: Ooh, I feel so bad, do something about it. What do you mean you can't eat sweets now? You won’t even have onigiri or pizza? Too bad. Then jerk off, now you will get aroused from literally everything again. I need relief!
#personal#well. I still have a couple more teeth to fix. then I need to buy a tablet before my laptop completely dies#and I can finally go to a psychiatrist for a prescription for some cheap pills#so far of everything I've taken amitriptyline has helped me the most lol#although it had very nasty side effects despite the fact that I tolerated it more or less normally#(could be worse)#and I need a psychiatrist to write for my future case how all the shit that’s happening affected me#to be honest I have a suspicion of CPTSD. but I can’t diagnose myself anyway lol#but this would explain a lot in my life over the past 8 years#at least
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I just want it to be tomorrow after work so I can get unfathomably high on edibles and turn off my brain for at least a few days
#i want to be 'can barely form a sentence' high#i want to be so high that I can't think or feel for a while#don't want to think about being alone for another fucking holiday#don't want to think about being alone for the rest of my life#don't want to think about how scared i am of what the next 4 years will bring#don't want to think about all of the people hurting now#don't want to think about how I'm a weak baby for whining about my own problems#don't want to think about no matter how much dumb shit and art supplies i buy I'm still alone#don't want to think about the only person who loved me unconditionally being dead#don't want to think about how scared i am of velma getting sick or hurt because then i won't have anyone#don't want to think about all the things I've done that could bite me in the ass#don't want to think about the horrific inequality here and everywhere and I'm here just one person like an ant on a sand dune#don't want to think about how my desperation to be loved also makes me feel like a greedy asshole when so many have less#don't want to think about how much i want to punch some of my coworkers#don't want to think about the friendly obvious idiot who sent me a tape full of love songs but clearly has no romantic love for me#don't want to think about how hard it is to even find a game to distract myself with#don't want to think about how many of my plants are dead/dying and what a useless gardener i am#don't want to think about my car and how i worry about when it's eventually going to break down#don't want to think about the cysts on my scalp that i need to cut out myself because I can't afford to have it done professionally#don't want to think about how it's probably just a stupid kids daydream that I'm trying to save up for a house#don't want to THINK or FEEL or NEED or WANT i just want to be semi-comatose stoned because it feels like nobody would notice if i were dead#depression#vent
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Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb
#why me. why is it always fucking me am I just not allowed to have good things WHAT have I done to earn this kinda karma#my stupid fucking idiot roommate decided to resign the lease at the complex so I naturally contacted the landlords like hey. how does that#work with the security deposit cuz I paid that years before she even moved in do you guys need to come inspect the place after I leave#and they were like oh no ☺️ it just carries over to her. and I’m like. so. so even though I am not living here nor am on the lease#whether or not I get NINE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS BACK hinges on this JACKASS not wrecking the place???? actually not even then because say#she DOESNT wreck the place when she moves out TURNS OUT the deposit goes to her cuz it’s her name and account attached to the fucking#apartment and I’m just left sitting here like how. how is that fucking fair how does that make fucking sense I have to trust that she doesnt#ruin the place OR GET FUCKING EVICTED BECAUSE SHE HAS NO JOB AND NO WAY TO PAY RENT and then also trust her to just give it to me when she#moves out. I’m actually sick I’m actually gonna fucking throw up and the landlords were like yes exactly ☺️ perhaps you could work something#out with her and she could buy you out of it and I’m just like. she doesn’t have a job she still hasn’t paid me for LAST months utilities#let alone this months do you HONESTLY THINK she is EVER going to pay me the 900 dollars I’m fucking owed#and it’s like does this actually affect anything? no. I didn’t budget with that money cuz I didn’t actively have it and that’s not smart but#like…. 900 dollars….. I could have paid off the rest of my credit card with that and also it’s just infuriating that that money is basically#just being GIVEN to this fucking bitch who I KNOW is not gonna keep that apartment in good shape and that’s again if she somehow doesn’t get#her ass evicted cuz she’s not paying bills why they even LET her sign her own lease there I do not understand she literally has no proof of#income but ig they probably didn’t check that cuz she technically already lived there I’m just so. I’m so tired and I’m so done can I PLEASE#stop being the one who constantly gets screwed fucking over in EVERY situation no matter fucking what#while all these fucking idiots and shitty fucking ppl get whatever they want and actively BENEFIT from me getting fucked over???? I’m done.#I’m so fucking done I am never living with someone ever again never being finanacially tied to anyone fucking again and you know what. thats#great goes well with me basically being convinced atp to never be vulnerable with anyone ever again and never trust anyone ever again and#never dedicate ANY part of my life in a genuine sense to anyone ever again I will be fucking alone in every sense for THE REST of my fucking#life and that’s that. it’ll be better. this kinda shit will stop happening. financially emotionally psychologically I will stop suffering#because holy fucking shit I can’t do it anymore man I’m sick of it I’m sick of trying to be a good person and depend on people and be#vulnerable and always uphold my side of the responsibilities and arrangements just to get fucking spit on like man if this is what being a#shit person gets ppl maybe I should try because they sure seem to get all the benefits and whatever the hell they want consistently and#always while I try and be considerate of others and devote myselves to them and this is all I fucking get for it#and ik I KNOW this is just the straw on the camels back and this is a lot of issues compounding and it’s not even about the money atp#but I’m just. I’m so fucking sick and tired and beaten down and I’m tired of trying I just want to be completely on my own#so at least if bad things happen or I feel like shit I only have myself to blame and it’s safer that way and I’ll have to stop feeling like#this and dealing with these types of things UGH
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i need a job
#^ he looked at a bunch of lolita dresses#maybe j could have One expensive hobby. Once i get my apartment#i was thinking abt maybe spending my bday christmasnmoney.... my papaw gave me 100 for christmas and i got 20 for helping dogsit dozer#so i currently have 120 dollars In my life. technically its like 121.37 or some shit I dont check my bank acct bc it makes me want to vommy#but once the bday money clmes in i might be able to get somethjng nice But it would be more responsible to save it for my apartment But i#have moments of weakness frequently so if i try to save it i may end up Instead making a bunch of small stupid shitty purchases instead of#spending it on something i rly want. you know ...#idk it just doesnt feel right for me to spend my bday/christmas money on something so frivolous Dont yell at me i know it just feels like i#isnt rly my money to spend . sigh#oh its eating me for this. Disclaimer the real reason i need a job is so i can help my family and help pay mortgage and buy groceries and#also save up to move out so that im not being a burden on them anymore and this is a moment of me being irresponsible and wanting to spend#money on myself but thats only in a hypothetical scenario where im fully moved out and also have money leftover After helping my family .#and donating and doing good things . and Then is when id maybe buy myself a little treat every couple of months#okay .
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ohhh what i would give for another cringe fail eddie diaz speech with a weird metaphor for love
#i love when eddie is a loser#like yes tell your wife how being with her feels like drowning in chocolate#thats a totally normal thing to say when you have totally normal feelings about said wife#anyway#i need eddie to fail to another metaphor soooo bad#i need him to compare buck to juice and for it to not translate at allll#“i always choose water but its not what i really want and i guess what im trying to say buck is that i want the juice”#“you...you want juice?”#“yeah. i think ive always wanted it but never allowed myself to have it. but i want it more than anything...if its available that is”#“...uh okay...i think theres orange juice in the fridge. do you---do you want me to pour you a glass?”#“what no buck i dont want orange juice. i mean i want juice. im choosing juice.”#...#“...so you want me to buy apple juice? or just like a variey? oh how bout that nectarine juice that stuff is good”#but okay whenever eddie fully explained it yk buck would be all 🥺🥺🥺#“oh eddie 🥺🥺 you mean like youre saying that IM your juice youre choosing me 🥰🥰”#whatever weird ass shit eddie says bucks gonna love because theyre the same kind of insane about each other#eddie could be like#buck. youre the hallway light i leave on at night. lighting a path so i can find my way through the dark. warm and bright and always there#and buck would just#🥺🥺🥺 eddie 🥰🥰🥰#me thinks
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Doing the most irresponsible thing and using my scholarship to buy Kinito because if I don't I will explode <3
#I already have like 3 euros on my other credit card I missed the other three#So I yoinked them from my bank account where the scholarship is#I ended up yoinking 60 bucks as of now because 1) the bank steals a useless monthly tax and 2) goddamn groceries#god fuck groceries jesus Christ every time I have to buy groceries is always more than I can spend so I gotta yoink from the scholarship#but meh it's 60 bucks I can refound them in case I lose the scholarship#which I really hope I don't because jesus fuck I need this money goddamn#praying for my life rn actually cuz I have 5 exams and I can't bring myself to study and I'm shitting my pants <3 /neg#Kinito save me.. save me Kinito
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I should probably at least try to take care of myself huh
#ive been in a phase of not giving a shit about how i look for ???? idk a long time#cause if i DO care then i have breakdowns over how bad i look. so. thats the lesser of two evils for ne#but also i wanna do fun stuff with my appearance again which is a good sign#hhhh i NEED to grow my hair out so baddd#also as soon as i get back to poland im finding all of my favorite skirts and putting a fun outfit together#huh. what if i buy myself a new skirt actually#i havent bought any skirts ever in my life. they were all either for school or hand me downs#i should get myself a new skirt. as a treat#murl murmurs#delete later maybe? idk
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there is something so special about self fulfilling prophecies
#txt#i woke up early this morning to take advantage of the good weather after the hurricane left#because i tried to get a skate in yesterday. failed miserably. and made it a maintenance day instead. and had to adjust my wheels.#anyways everyone else thought that as well because there was a lot more people on my route than usual so early in the morning#and i was like 3/4ths of the way through my route and there was this really pretty woman with preformance fans that were flowing so prettily#in the high winds with a cute traditional dress dancing and then i promptly ate shit staring at her because i was trying to slow down#but the winds knocked me off balance and i couldnt catch myself in time because of said staring and realised a little too late she was#filming and she finished her dance stopped filming and turned to me in utter disbelief as she smiled like#YOU COULD JUST PASS BY??? YOU DONT NEED TO STOP??? because she thought i stopped because i didnt want to mess up her video#and i didnt have the heart to tell i only noticed after i was kneeling on the floor waiting for her to finish that i even saw her tripod#and i was like nono!! youre good its okay!!! im okay 👍!!! and scuttled off and went honestly this is what i get for wearing the tank#i got at pride today of all days like this one is on me ive fufilled the prophecy i never wear it out because the sun is a ferocious thing#and the last time i did my shoulders burned pretty bad even with sunscreen but i had a hoodie ontop because it was windy today#and i thought oh its fine itll be fine. chat never change your habits and routines. superstitions are real. and the gods will punish you.#anyways why self fulfilling prophecy. well if you guessed the tank had the best buy logo but instead of “buy” it replaces it with “bi”#youd be correct. and also the disaster bi allegations are very strong with this one.#anyways im think im just afflicted with dumb shit happening when im in the middle of the route because last time a guy did chat me up#while i was resting and invited me back to his hotel room after i yapped his ear off about the pantrs#and i didnt say it but i did turn it down because... the cats were playing in like 2 hours so...#or like that other time-#okay you know what i do have to stop
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I need to drop out, flee the country, & die at sea btw (got a question rlly wrong in a lecture hall class)
#fffffffuuuuuuu-#combo of getting names mixed up leading to geography error and me explaining my point really really shit leading to the impression i only#think western europe counts as europe. which is not fucking true lmao. (lmao of pain.)#and i said that shit FULL confidence too 2nd hand up in class in front of like 100 ppl.#someone put me in witness protection before i call a hit on myself#prof didnt point it out but she knew and i knew moments after and all the smarties (my friends and colleagues) knew and i NEED to disappear#and they probably think im racist or ignorant or some shit now too esp bc in pale af. ughhhj were at defcon 1 this is my 9/11 etc etc#never recovering from this. changing my name and moving to alaska to be a spearfisherman etc.#the only thing i have in my defense is that thats the only class i have in english today but its my native language so thats not rlly an#excuse. does anyone know where you can buy c4 (JOKE JOKE JOKE ISTG ITS A JOKE)
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Me: considers getting an item ➡ questions if i really need it ➡ ends up deciding i do need/want it ➡ searches for it in every single site and read reviews to find the best option ➡ keeps tabs open for MONTHS and checks them daily hoping it goes on sale or to wait until i get the money to buy it ➡ item goes on sale/i get the money to buy it ➡ hesitate about buying it ➡ convince myself i don't really need it ➡ item is no longer on sale/i don't have the money for it ➡ berate myself a little (only a little) for not purchasing the item on sale/when i had the money ➡ keep checking the tabs daily hoping it goes on sale ➡ item goes on sale again/i have the money for it ➡ says "fuck it" and buys it ➡ immediately regrets it and considers canceling the order ➡ convinces myself maybe i do need to give myself a treat ➡ receives item ➡ completely regrets the purchase and debates if i should return it ➡ return time frame has now passed so i can't return it ➡ never uses item, stores it somewhere and forget about it while silently regretting spending that money
Also me: ohh look at that, maybe i need one of those, let me search for them hoping i can find it on sal- oh wait, it is on sale! but do i really need it??? maybe i need to wait...
#why am i like this honestly#i've discussed it on therapy and the concensus was that apparently i worry to much about spending#not in a cheapy the cheapsake way but rather in an extreme frugal way#like for example i go 'ohh this tshirt looks nice'#but then i see the price (idk. lets say $5) and i go nooo. that's too expensive. plus i have several tshirts i don't really need it#so i leave the tab open. suddenly shit goes on sale. i buy it but then i regret it and want to return it#my therapist said the only thing i could do is wear/use the things i buy right away#so i can't return them#because she knows I'm frugal and that i'm not buying expensive shit in order to have a shopping problem#like she knows i won't impulsively buy idk. a huge tv or a gucc1 dress and then regret the purchase#i could literally buy a drink bc of the long way home and then berate myself for spending $2 on a water bottle#LIKE#make it make sense#rambless
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