#ive been in a phase of not giving a shit about how i look for ???? idk a long time
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flionp · 14 days ago
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I should probably at least try to take care of myself huh
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godmadeaterribleerror · 6 months ago
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Chapter 6 - I've Been Searching for a Fortified Defense
Series Masterlist
Author's Note: As we begin our first 5-digit word count chapter (I can’t be stopped, someone take away my keyboard) and I find a stride of about two chapters per week, I want to say that: A) I fully intend on finishing this story. I plotted out the whole thing before I started, have made a few adjustments given the pacing I’ve done so far, and with how it’s broken down right now we’ll reach the end in 2-3 months. B) Thank y’all from the bottom of my heart for reading! If you have theories or thoughts or feedback please don’t hesitate to share them! I love hearing what you think of the plot and the characters, and every interaction means the world to me. Whether you’re only reading or leaving comments as well, thank you so damn much. I’ll see you next chapter (it’s gonna be a doozy) <3
Chapter Title from Bells in Santa Fe by Halsey.
Word Count: 11.2k
Chapter Summary/Warnings: You throw a punch, and Phase One: Operation Quick and Bald goes. Not well, but it goes. Contains usual warnings.
Tags: Soldier Boy/Supe!Female Reader, canon divergence, enemies to friends to lovers, canon divergence, slow burn, fluff, angst
Read on A03!
Chapter 5 - Chapter 7
Taglist: @lordofthunderthr @kritara
Want to be tagged? Just ask!
Ben dodged the third punch in a row, grinning widely right up until the fourth one landed on his face.
“Ha!” She yelled, drawing back to shake her first out. “Take that, you weirdly fast man.”
Ben rolled his eyes, rubbing his face lightly. It hadn’t hurt—he’d barely even felt it—but She was being real fucking smug for someone who’d only just landed a hit after a damn week of attempting to do so.
“Yeah, sure, Sunshine. Keep it the fuck up, and at this rate it’ll only take you another couple thousand years to surpass Muhammad Ali.”
She raised her brows at Ben, pausing with a tilt of her head. “You were a fan of Muhammad Ali?”
He nodded, giving her a scrunched look of annoyance. “I’m a fucking American, and there ain’t nothing more red-blooded American than punching commies like that son of a bitch did.”
“What?”
“When he fought the Russian, and won. That’s fucking American.”
“Ben, you’re thinking of the plot of Rocky IV.”
“No, Muhammad Ali fought that Russian pussy and kicked his fucking ass.”
“No, Sylvester Stallone fought the Russian pussy and kicked his fucking ass. In a movie.” She laughed to herself. “I’m shocked you even saw Rocky IV, let alone were so impacted by it to let the plot override your knowledge of a real life person.”
“Shut up,” Ben grunted, moving his hands back to a defensive stance. She fucking always won these stupid arguments, and Ben couldn’t actually prove it, but he knew She was changing the fucking internet she loved so damn much to match her claims. “Go again.”
“Someone missed nap time.” She muttered under her breath, even though she knew Ben could fucking hear her, but put her fists up anyways. “Can this be the last one? I’m hungry.”
Instead of answering, Ben just launched himself at her, and She jumped to the side with a yelp.
“What the fuck, Ben!”
He turned and threw another punch, feeling pleased at the smooth way she ducked away and met it with a punch of her own. Her face had lost the pissy shock, laser-sharp concentration replacing it. Her eyes were narrowed, darting across Ben as he moved, her bobbing and weaving wasn’t entirely shit, and her heart was controlled with her breathing. She landed her second punch, this one on his shoulder, and Ben laughed, delivering one of his own.
“Christ, Sunshine, you’re fucking weak.” He laughed, examining Her carefully for any loss of control.
“I’ll kill you with my bare hands, Bitch.” She growled, lunging forward and grunting in frustration as Ben dodged with ease.
“That’s my line.” He taunted. “And you couldn’t even kill a man with an assault rifle if he was a fucking foot away from you.”
“Blow me.”
“I’ve been fucking trying- Fuck!” She landed her third punch, and it burned. Ben reached to touch where she’d hit and felt the skin mending across his jaw.
She was grinning in a wide, toothy, satisfied way. “Suck on that, cunt.”
“Bitch,” he muttered, looking down at his hand to see it raw and red from the contact with his face, with some of his fucking hair stuck to it.
“Did you burn off my fucking beard!” His head shot up to see a half-sheepish, half-amused look on her face, lips curled and eyes wide.
“Oops.”
He yelled her name, and she had the fucking nerve to giggle. “We said no fucking powers!”
“I forgot.” She said lamely, her face less and less apologetic by the second, giggling again as she offered some of the most insincere comfort Ben had ever heard. “It’s not even that noticeable! You look just as good as before!”
His anger faded, and he gave Her a cocky smirk, raising his brows. “You think I look good, Sunshine?”
“I’m being nice. Don’t ruin it.” She muttered, her face adorably flushed, and Ben didn’t miss the skip of her heart.
“Whatever keeps you up at night.”
“That’s not the phrase.”
He winked. “I know.”
She scoffed and turned away, but not before Ben could see the slight smile on her lips. “I’m going to shower, I’ll meet you in the living room in fifteen. If you’re not there, with food, I’m eating the TV.”
Ben frowned, calling after Her figure moving down the hall. “Has the TV been edible this whole fucking time and you didn’t fucking tell me?!”
Her laughter echoed back down the hall. "You're real fucking gullible, grampa!"
“You know I can’t fucking tell when you’re joking about that shit, you bitch!”
“Fourteen minutes, cunt!”
“How the fuck am I supposed to make food in fourteen minutes?!”
“You’re a big boy, you’ll figure it out!”
Grumbling a string of cusses Ben hoped She could fucking feel, Ben grabbed a cup of instant noodles and threw them in the microwave, wondering if She would notice if he spit in hers. After pulling them out, grabbing two spoons from the counter that he almost immediately bent, spilling one of the cups as he noticed the damaged utensils, spilling the other when he noticed the first spill, and having to start the whole damned fucking thing over, Ben made his way to drop on the couch next to where She sat, wet hair clinging to her pretty face.
“Heard a lot of swearing, Pretty Boy, everything ok?”
He grunted, shoving Her noodles against her chest and letting go, not giving a fuck if she had a grip on them. “Shut the fuck up.”
“Just asking a question,” he could hear her shit-eating grin. “Thought it was a free country. Thought a patriot like you would appreciate me exercising my first amendment right.”
“That protects you from the government, not me.” Ben parroted back the words She had yelled at him after he’d made the apparently fucking fatal mistake of saying “first amendment right” in her presence.
She chuckled, her voice teasing. “Didn’t know you were capable of retaining information about something other than yourself.”
“Well, your tits were looking great while you were bitching. It helped.” He grabbed the remote, raising it to the TV. “I made food. I’m picking what we watch.”
“If you pick Game of Thrones so you can watch the sex scenes again, I’m figuring out a way to kill myself and doing it on your bed.”
“Whatever gets you in my bed, Sunshine.” He winked. “And I’m invested in the fucking plot, it’s not just the sex scenes.”
“It’s mostly the sex scenes.” She said, not even flinching at his flirtation. “Just go watch porn. See how fast you can break the fleshlights. If you do all three in ten minutes, Butcher owes me twenty dollars.”
Ben scowled, not enjoying that She’d apparently been making fucking bets with Butcher about his masturbation. “I can last longer than ten fucking minutes, I’m not a fucking pussy.”
“Prove it.”
He grinned widely at Her as her face flushed adorably, her own phrasing catching up with her head. “I’d be honored, Sunshine.”
“You’re like a fucking rabbit in heat.” She muttered. “And if you do last longer than ten, Hughie gets the money, so keep that in mind when you’re jerking it to dragon boobs after I go to bed.”
“The dragons don’t have any fucking boobs, dumbass, the fucking hot lady queens do.” Ben said smugly, ignoring her eye roll. “And I would ‘jerk it’ in the privacy of my room, but someone won’t give me a fucking phone.”
“Yeah, the CIA. I’d actually back you up with Mallory, Pretty Boy. I think giving you a phone would be really entertaining.”
“I don’t need your fucking help.” He snapped, and she laughed.
“Can’t rely on just a handsome face to convince her that you somehow deserve the internet.”
“Handsome face?” He grinned at her, and only the slight stutter of her heart told Ben she heard him.
She made a mock face of thought. “Maybe if we suggested parental controls…”
“I’ll kill you, bitch.”
“I’ll make you the most useless and sad eunuch to ever grace this sorry planet, cunt.”
Ben glared at Her, and she reached over his arm to press play on the remote.
Most of the days since the failed Sister Sage mission had been like this. She and Ben got up, trained, ate, trained more, and then watched TV with dinner until She retreated to her room and Ben fought sleep for the rest of the night, alone. Neither of them mentioned how he’d saved her, or how She had started a habit of slapping Ben awake—he was pretty fucking certain that at this point she had figured out another way to break through the nightmares but was purposely choosing to fucking hit him instead—before she’d sit next to him for an hour or two after. Ben liked this unspoken arrangement, and liked even more how She had silently agreed to it. Just because he didn’t actively hate Her right now didn’t mean he was about become a sniveling pussy mess about feelings. Even if the lack of active hatred had morphed into something pulsing in his chest that he didn’t understand, and didn't fucking want to. Making Her instant noodles and not killing her when she lied to him for fun or called him “Pretty Boy” was as far as Ben would bend.
It had been mostly radio silence from the Boys, though Butcher and Cocksucker had visited two days after they’d dropped Her and Ben back at the safe house, as Cocksucker had managed to break his arm. There had been a long, incredibly boring and poorly told story as to how the injury had occurred, involving a supe, Nikola Tesla and something called a Cybertruck, but Ben had pretty much tuned out the entire fucking conversation once he realized they weren’t here for him at all. The only thing that had kept him from retreating to his room for the duration of the visit was the small falter in Her heart when she touched Cocksucker, her jaw clenched as Ben and Butcher watched Cocksucker’s arm heal into place in a fucking disgusting manner.
When She’d let go, she’d given Ben a weird fucking look with tight lips and sad eyes that he'd only seen before on Cocksucker. It had passed quickly, her face returning to apathetic and bored, her eyes regaining the sharp amusement they usually held, but fuck it had confused him. She and Butcher had started talking about missions and planning and other mind-numbing shit, Cocksucker shaking out his arm as if he didn’t trust that it was healed, and Ben had needed to piss and gone to do just that. Before he’d left, he’d caught Her a look of where the hell are you’d going, he’d grinned back with a wink of why, you want to join me?, and she’d rolled her eyes and returned her attention to Butcher. When he’d returned, Butcher and Cocksucker had left and She was glaring at him, arms across her chest.
“Are you an idiot, or just a dick?” She’d snapped.
He’d frowned at Her, trying to figure out what had made her all fucking bitchy. As far as Ben was concerned, he’d been fucking amazing, only calling Butcher a pussy twice and managing to refrain from talking to Cocksucker at all. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Butcher told me we’re moving on operation Quick and Bald soon. He told me you knew. Why didn’t you fucking tell me?!”
“Oh,” Ben had rolled his eyes. “I forgot.”
“You forgot?”
He’d shrugged. “Well, you fucking know now, so get over it. And what kind of fucking shit codename is Quick and Bald?”
“Fuck you, it’s an accurate and descriptive name.”
“How the fuck could that be ‘accurate and descriptive’?”
“Because two key factors of this phase of my plan are the quick and the bald.”
“Your plan?”
“Yeah, my fucking plan. That I fucking deserved to know the status of.” She’d scowled. “Butcher says it’s almost ready. He’ll get us in two days once it’s in place.”
That had been five days ago. Starlight and Cocksucker had dropped in after two days, full of apologies and updates that Ben didn’t give a fuck about, and when he’d asked Her for more information about the plan, she’d told him to “suck her dick and shove his questions up his ass until they reached his brain.”
So Ben still had no fucking clue what Quick and Bald was about.
Aside from Her lingering anger at him for apparently having the fucking nerve to ask questions about the jobs he had to do—an opinion he had made the mistake of voicing, leading the unwelcome lesson on the first amendment—She was being impossibly easy to talk to, and Ben was getting dangerously close to not only enjoying her company, but finding her comfortable. Part of him was hoping she’d say something very, very soon that would allow him to grip onto hatred, or at least indifference, for the rest of his time in this stupid fucking situation.
Instead, in a way that made Ben think God himself was out to fucking get him, he’d started to tell her things. Fucking voluntarily.
One of those nights where sleep had gripped his head and pulled him under, struggling and roaring, he’d woken up once more from only the force and sting of her hand across his face. She’d sat next to him again, and he’d asked her more questions about before, all of which she’d answered with a faraway, insufferably sad look in her eyes.
“How many siblings did you fucking have again?” He’d pressed once.
“Four,” She’d responded, a wistful smile on her face. “Two brothers, two sisters. All younger.”
“Your parents had four more kids after you? What, were you that fucking annoying they needed to try again four fucking times?”
“No, I was just so adorable they needed to try and recreate my perfection. Once they realized that was impossible, they gave up.” She’d smirked, and Ben hated that somehow he didn’t doubt her words. “Well,” she’d mused to herself. “That and they fell violently out of love with each other.”
“Violently?” He’d made a face, and she’d nodded solemnly.
“I shielded my siblings from a lot of flying plates.”
Ben found another thing to hate. Her parents, and how fucking sad she looked. “You miss them?”
“My parents?” She’d snorted. “I miss my dad. I hope my mom gets her head popped.”
He’d coughed to cover a laugh. “No, you fucking smartass. Your siblings.”
Her answer was quick and soft. “Every fucking day.”
Ben had grunted, watching the distance return to her face, and before he could stop himself, he was talking. “I didn’t have any siblings.”
Before he could curse himself out and try to distract Her with something else, she had been looking back at him with wide, focused eyes. “Do you wish you did?”
“I never thought about it,” he’d muttered. “My father was such a fucking dick I’m surprised he even got my mother to marry him, let alone fucking have one kid. I think he hated me enough to never fucking risk it again.”
“Risk it?” She’d kept her voice impossibly gentle as she’d asked, and it made his skin crawl all weird.
“I was the biggest fucking regret of his life. If he could go back and stop me from happening in the first place, make my mother flush me out, he wouldn’t have fucking hesitated.”
She’d paused, and a very fucking stupid part of Ben had thought she was going to let the conversation go. Of course, he should’ve fucking known by now that She damn well wouldn’t.
“What was your mom like?”
He hadn’t fucking expected that, and it had shocked him enough to answer. “Kind. Too kind for my father, he saw it as fucking weakness and told her all the fucking time. But she was so fucking kind.” He took a heavy breath. “She was full of love, and I have no fucking clue how. It was fucking stupid, all her love, even for my piece of shit father. He’d yell at her and threaten her and mock her, but she still fucking loved him. She fucking loved everything.”
Her voice was still gentle from beside him. “Like what?”
“Animals. Cats specifically. My father had all these fucking hunting dogs he loved more than anything, certainly more than me, and the only good thing he ever fucking did was trade one to get her a cat. It was massive, fluffy and gray, and it was a fucking asshole to everyone but her. It ate like a fucking elephant, shed like a whore in summer, but she loved it so fucking much.” At this point Ben had really wished he would shut the fuck up, but he couldn’t, and he was going to have to figure out a way to blame Her for that later. “She loved art. Painting. She tried to get me to love it too, even though I could barely draw a fucking worm. But I’d try, and she’d frame all my stupid, shitty drawings and hang them around the house until my father saw them and threw them in the trash. She loved music but couldn’t carry a tune if her life fucking depended on it. They’d go to the opera because my father would donate a ton for the publicity, and she’d come back all damn giddy. I’d wait up, just because she was fucking contagious when she was that happy. Even my father felt it, enough to just go straight to bed and not kick my ass for still being awake. She was fucking smart, too. Real fucking smart. My father would joke he wished she was a man, because then her brain would be useful. She would’ve fucking jumped for joy if she saw the world now. Met a fucking woman doctor.” He paused, looking back down at Her beside him. She hadn’t looked away from him, and there was none of the pity he’d expected to see on her face. It was just open, listening intently to his words with no malice or trickery behind her eyes.
“She sounds amazing.” She’d said softly, a small smile he didn’t understand on her face. “And your dad sounds like a fucking cunt.”
Ben had chuckled in surprise. “Fucking understatement of the damn year, Sunshine. That pussy would’ve tried to pry your degree from your fucking hands.”
“Let him try, I’d burn his fucking face off and laugh while I did it.”
“What were you even going to fucking do with a PhD in archeology?" He’d asked, and she’d huffed a small laugh.
“Anthropology, Pretty Boy. But nice guess.” She corrected. “And I’m honestly not sure. I’d quite literarily only just actually received the degree before everything… changed.” She’d sighed. “I had a few job offers, but mostly in academia and business. What I wanted was to work with nonprofits to help people.”
“Help people?” He’d given her a disbelieving stare. “With a prissy fucking degree?”
“Yeah, dickwad. Help people. I was a cultural anthropologist. I specialized in the evolution of cultures and ways to combat systemic cultural oppression.”
He’d stared at Her blankly. “You’re going to have to take down the fucking fancy talk by seven, Sunshine.”
“I studied how the government and culture is mean to people on purpose, and how to make them stop being mean.” She’d said flatly.
“Oh.” He’d rolled his eyes at the dirty look she was giving him. “Oh, fuck off. It wasn’t that painful to say.”
“Yes, it was.” She’d mumbled, narrowing her eyes at him. “You’re not going to argue with me?”
“What’s there to fucking argue about?”
“I just called your beloved country an ‘oppressive system’.” She’d watched him wearily, but her heart remained steady. “Doesn’t it mar your refined American nationalism?”
“Do you fucking want me to be mad?” Ben had asked, raising his brows at her. “I can definitely find it in me, that’s not a fucking issue. But usually when we fight about this shit, you get all bitchy and don’t talk to me for way too fucking long.”
“I mean, no, I don’t want you to get mad…” She’d frowned, examining him with yet another fucking confusing look. “Does it really bother you when I ignore you?”
“No.” He’d snapped quickly. “It’s just annoying, and I don’t like having to fucking deal with it.”
She’d hummed with an amused smile on her face, and the conversation had moved on to something else. Ben had shoved down the way it had been so easy to talk about his mother with her, until it was somewhere in his gut and he didn’t have to think about the way the feeling rolled around inside him.
And he refused to even acknowledge how when She would smile now, he’d have to fight himself to not do the same.
———-
It had been a week since the Sage incident, a week since Ben had saved your life—you'd locked everything about that particular action from what you thought of it to how it made you feel somewhere deep in your chest—and you were starting to lose your mind a little bit. When Annie and Hughie had stopped by with nervous words about delays in your meticulously prepared and incredibly well-detailed plan, you’d been willing to wait another day, maybe two, before executing operation Quick and Bald. Now it had been three days, burgeoning on four, and you were worryingly close to leaving the safe house just to yell at Butcher. Ben could stay here, or follow you and help you beat Butcher up for all you cared. Which was, admittedly, worrying within itself. Especially because the whole point of operation Quick and Bald was to take preventative measures against Ben’s needless brutality.
Over a month ago, right after you’d moved into the safe house and when you had been ready to throttle Ben’s neck every waking moment—an urge that hadn’t entirely waned, but was now undercut with a weirder, stronger urge to be near him without any murderous intent—you’d spent the hours quarantined in your room perfecting your plan to get Ryan Butcher the fuck out of dodge. When they’d come to pick you and Ben up for the whole Neuman test, you’d left it in the van for Butcher to find, and had been waiting since for him to set up the dominoes so you could knock them over.
At this point, you’d be happy with not even “dominos to knock over” and just “one singular domino to throw at someone." You had begun to develop a habit of staring down the hall from the living room, trying to will someone to appear with at least a fucking update. So far this strategy was not working, and had apparently started to garner attention.
Sitting on the couch, the TV white noise in the background and noodles in your hand cold and forgotten, you felt a foreign rush of oddly tight concern run through your body. You frowned, heard your name from next to you, and turned to find that Ben had been poking your arm.
“Are you fucking alive?” He grunted, watching you with a frown.
“Literally? Yes.” You answered with a tight smile. “You have noodles on your face.”
He reached up to feel for them, not looking away from you. “What the fuck do you mean literally? How can you be fucking metaphorically alive?”
“Mind-body problem, Pretty Boy. And it’s not metaphorically, it’s philosophically.” You lean back, grinning.
“You’re a real fucking pretentious bitch sometimes.” He grumbled, still trying to find the food stuck to his beard.
“If you made me a shirt that said that, I’d wear it.”
“I’m not going to fucking make you a shirt, Sunshine. You couldn’t make me learn to fucking sow with a gun to my head.”
“Because the gun wouldn’t affect you at all?” You pointed to your own chin, mirroring where the noodle was caught.
He sneered. “Because I’m not a pussy.” His hand found the stray piece of his dinner, and he pulled it from his jaw.
“Big words from the man who took two tries to make me instant ramen- hey!” A wet noodle hits you in the face.
“Ramen your ungrateful ass didn’t even fucking eat.” Ben gave a pointed look at the abandoned cup in your hands, the food inside having long lost any heat. “Don’t fucking test me, or I’ll actually spit in your food next time.”
“Drama queen,” you muttered, peeking back at the door. “Like you don’t already do that.”
“I fight the urge to be a fucking bitch, unlike certain women.”
You nod absentmindedly. “Butcher.”
Ben snorted behind you, and a smile you hoped he didn’t see crept onto your face.
“Yeah, sure Sunshine.” His attention returned to the TV, and you did your best to not stare down the hall, trying to ignore the hope that the door now shrouded in darkness would open.
A successful effort that made you jump out of your seat when it did just that with an aggressive bang.
Ben was faster than you, practically launching himself over the sofa and bolting down the hall, a dangerous look of alarm the last thing you saw on his face before he was gone from the room.
“Shit, no! It’s me!” You heard a high-pitched shout from the shadows of the entrance. “It’s Hughie!”
“What the fuck are you doing here?!” You heard Ben’s growl of a response.
Butcher’s voice drawled from the shadows. “Oi, take a deep fucking breath and put the bloody kid down.” 
“Someone fucking answer me first.”
“Put him down, Soldier Boy, before we knock your ancient ass the fuck out.” The impatient, clipped words of MM responded, almost drowned out by Frenchie's shout.
“Can someone turn on the fucking lights? It is as dark as Monsieur Butcher’s heart and asshole!” 
“I- I don’t feel good.” Hughie’s voice stuttered.
“Ben!” You flicked on the hallway sconces, illuminating a scene of Ben’s full body weight pressing Hughie to the wall, Butcher and MM trying with practically negative success to pry him off, and Kimiko gripping one of Frenchie’s arms as his other groped around for direction. You let out a very long, very loud sigh. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“It’s fucking late,” he snapped, not letting Hughie go. “They shouldn’t be here so fucking late.”
“This ain’t your real house, Mate.” Butcher grunted, still trying to move Ben. “We can be here whenever we bloody well please.”
Hughie wheezed out your name in a pleading tone. “Your plan is ready. We’re here to- fuck- we’re here to get you.”
That got you moving, crossing to the end of the hall in quick, frantic steps. “It’s ready? Are you sure?” Hughie gave a weak nod, and you rolled your eyes, shoving Ben shoulder. “Put him down, dumbass. He’s not a threat, and honestly, probably the worst one to have gone after. Just, like, strategically.”
Ben glared at you, but let go. He glanced at where MM and Butcher were still grabbing him, and gave them a venomous look that got them both to let go and take hasty steps back. He shot a glowering look of they could’ve fucking waited until the morning in your direction.
You wrinkled your nose at him. No. Shut the fuck up. You turned to Hughie, not even bothering to hide the desperation you felt in your imploring stare. “It’s all ready? All of it? A-Train agreed to help? We’re sure Ashley has the information? We’re sure neither one is going to tell Homelander, and we’re not about to walk into a fucking trap?”
“Yes, yes, yes, kind of, and yes.” Butcher counted off on his fingers as he answered. “But we’ve got to go right fucking now.”
“Kind of?” Anxious energy rushed through you—that still-strange feeling lighting under your skin—and you ignored the weird look Ben shot you as it did. “What do you mean, kind of? If you fucked this up, Butcher, I swear to God-"
“Calm the fuck down, Love.” Butcher snapped. “It’s going to be fine, we’ll explain on the way. But we need to go fucking now if you want this to work.”
You gave a sharp nod, starting to pull on your boot, glancing up with a pause when you heard Hughie say your name behind you.
“Do you, uh, do you want to get dressed first?” His voice was still slightly weak as he recovered from Ben’s force.
You glanced down at your body, and decided that the oversized shirt and cloth shorts would be fine. They were from the CIA spring fire-proof collection, and that was more than enough. “Nope. Let’s fucking move.”
You were halfway to the door when a crash sounded behind you, and you whirled around to see MM firmly blocking Ben’s path, the crash seeming to have been Hughie stumbling into the wall in an attempt to get away from the standoff.
“You’re not coming, Soldier Boy. This is a goddamn delicate operation, and you’re the fucking reason we have to do it in the first place. We can’t afford you throwing a tantrum and screwing us.”
“I’m fucking coming, and it’s not up for fucking debate.”
Off to the side, Frenchie snickered as Kimiko signed how many times do you think he’s said that before?
Ben shot them an annoyed look, his fists clenching. “What’s so fucking funny?”
“Nothing,” Frenchie snickered, and his tone was so remarkably unconvincing that even if you hadn’t understood Kimiko, you wouldn’t have believed him.
Ben grunted and tried to move past MM, again to no avail.
He glared down at the firmly planted man, a familiar violent glint in his eyes. “You better fucking move now, before I make you.”
“Do your fucking worst, we’ll put you right back in the box. You’re not coming with us.”
“MM,” you said firmly, watching Ben's fists clench as the dangerous glint returns to his eyes. “We need to go.”
MM looks back at you, but remains in his place. “Are you fucking serious? You’re siding with him?”
“I’m not siding with him.” You keep your voice level, ignoring Ben’s smug face and grin. “We can’t leave him. The I go where he goes thing unfortunately goes both ways.”
“The safe house will hold him for five hours.” MM pushed, and before you could even shake your head, Ben cut in.=
"No, it won’t.”
You shoot him a look that says you’re being unhelpful, and he just returns it with his own of fuck off, you know you fucking want me there.
“Please, MM. He’ll stay quiet in the background, or I’ll burn his dick off. Right?” You direct your last words at Ben, giving him a pointed agree with me or I’m knocking you out and leaving you here look.
“Yeah, whatever. But I’m not staying in the fucking van like a pussy. And you’d better explain what the fuck is happening on the way, Sunshine.”
“Deal. But first they,” You narrowed your eyes at Butcher. “Have some explaining of their own to do.”
“Don’t lose your bloody mind, Love, it’s all in order.” Butcher said breezily, shoving past you to open the door. He gave a dramatic wave of his arm for you to exit, and with a look of doubt, you did.
The car ride was already poised to be uncomfortable. Butcher’s car was not equipped for seven people, let alone seven people where three were very large men, three were supes, and nobody wanted to have physical contact with two. As such, Butcher drove, MM sat in the front, you found yourself squished against one window with Ben between you and a remarkably uncomfortable Hughie, as Kimiko sat, slightly elevated onto their laps, between Frenchie at the other window, and Hughie. It was overall an unideal situation, made worse as your own frustration was amplified by Ben’s, and by Hughie revealing that it was, in fact, not all in order.
Your phase one, the original operation Quick and Bald had called for Ashley Barrett’s complete cooperation. You’d even painstakingly outlined all the potential ways to flip her—most involving something along the lines of hey, wouldn’t a job that didn’t make you so stressed you rip out all your hair and have to buy a bunch of wigs be nice?—and different ways to keep Homelander from finding out about her betrayal—Spain was lovely this time of year, and had a thriving BDSM community Ashley would love. While MM had managed to take care of your instructions for A-Train, the half of the plan you’d incorrectly anticipated to be more difficult, the Ashley situation was, in Butcher’s words, very fucking delicate, but we’ve adapted and everything will be bloody fine, so trust me and don’t be a fucking cunt about it.
You did not trust him. I didn’t help that you’d asked for any other possible details, and he’d pretended he couldn’t hear you. This suspicion was confirmed when, despite your incredible clarity that you would never step foot there again, Butcher seemed to be driving right to Vought Tower.
Your eyes had been steadily widening, panic starting to run through you the closer and closer you got, and you flinched when you felt Ben’s roughly shoulder nudge your own.
“What’s fucking wrong with you?” He’d asked in a low voice, barely audible over Hughie’s rambling explanation.
“You should listen,” you mutter back, trying to shut out the confusing concern he always seemed to feel at you, how it felt remarkably genuine, but was laced with anger that felt like it was trying to push out of your body. “Hughie’s explaining the plan.”
“Yeah, but all I have to fucking do is stay quiet, and I get to keep my dick. You’re being fucking twitchy and silent, and your heart is beating faster than it has all damn day, so don’t even try to fucking lie and tell me it’s fine.”
“It is fine, I’m fine-“ You paused as his words sank in. “Wait, what do you mean my heart-“
“Alright, here we go.” Butcher cut off both you and Hughie with a clap of his hands. “Everyone bloody out, let’s get this shitshow on the road.”
“Butcher,” you said, looking around to see you’d parked directly across from the tower entrance. “What the fuck are we doing here?”
“We’re meeting them right there.” MM answered for Butcher, pointing out of his window to something you couldn’t see. “It’s almost midnight, and Annie’s been making sure nobody gets inside but us.”
“But why?” You protest, even as MM leaves the car. “This,” you give a wide, general wave that hits Ben in the nose. “Cannot be the only option.”
“Both of them still have their trackers,” Hughie leans forward with an apologetic look as Frenchie and Kimiko exit the car. “This will look like they’re just getting a midnight snack, and hopefully Homelander won’t get suspicious.”
“Hopefully?!” You feel a rush of anger—not yours—and a twist of fear deep within your gut—absolutely yours. “Hopefully fucking Homelander won’t get suspicious?!”
Hughie gave an uncertain nod before very quickly scrambling to get out of the car. You take a long, deep breath, trying to steel yourself. A rush of what was becoming a familiar fuming and brittle concern ran through you. You look at Ben, to find his eyes locked firmly onto yours.
“Sorry about hitting-“
“I know how to hot-wire a car.”
You blink at him, taken aback by the firmness of his voice. “What?”
His hand moved to grip your thigh, his gaze not wavering. “I know how to hot-wire a car.”
You give him a flat look. “Yeah, I heard you the first time. Why are you telling me that?”
His frustration leaked into you. “Because say the word, I’ll steal Butcher’s car, and we’ll fucking leave.”
“What? Are you insane?”
“You look like you’re either going to start fucking crying or burst into flames, and this is a stupid fucking idea.”
“This was my plan.” You snap. “And I’m not stealing Butcher’s car. Why do you even know how to hot-wire a car anyway?”
Ben’s grip tightened. “No, your plan was stupidly well fucking thought out.”
“That’s an oxymoron.” You mutter, and he ignores you.
“And even if they haven’t completely fucking blown the execution, they completely squashed any chance of safety.”
“It’ll be fine,” you say, the words sounding fake even as you say them. “It’s late. He’s probably asleep.”
“What if he’s not?” His concern was starting to move to your throat, and there was something else, something sitting far deeper in your chest, beating and beating against you. Against you.
“Ben.” You place your hand over his. “I’ve worked too hard on this. This is the only way, and it will be fine.” You say the last words firmly and clearly, trying to make them sink into you. “Now take your fucking hand off of me, and get out of the damn car.”
He pulls himself from you, and even as his touch leaves, the concern and beat linger until he’s gone from the car. You drag yourself across the seats and ignore Hughie’s offer of a hand as you duck out of the car and onto the curb. You notice the 24 hour diner MM must have been pointing out almost immediately, half because—aside from an incredibly sketchy looking deli a few doors down—it’s the only building with its lights still on, and half because two very flustered teenagers are sulking away from the entrance, where Annie stands with her arms crossed. She’s already spotted your group, and has angeled her head in a signal to join her.
“You’re late.” She chides as you approach.
“Well, Starlight, I’d apologize, but it was those two fuckheads,” Ben and MM both receive a jabbed thumb over Butcher’s shoulder. “Who decided to draw out the bloody carpool process.”
“I told you not to call me Starlight anymore, Butcher.” Annie snaps, not giving him a chance to respond before she turns to you. “A-Train is, somehow, running behind as well. Hopefully Ashley’s just being resistant to getting food with him, but they’ll be here.”
“Isn’t running that pussy’s whole fucking thing?” Ben muttered, quiet enough for only you to hear. You step as hard as you can on his foot.
“Shut it, Pretty Boy.” You whisper over his grunt of what probably is more emotional pain than physical.
“Bitch.” He hisses back.
“Cunt.” You raise your voice so the others can hear you. “We should go inside, it’s risky to just… stand here.”
With nervous looks around and stuttered agreements, you all make your way into the diner. The lights are flickering, and it’s eerily empty with only a very nervous-looking blonde waitress at the counter. She makes a very big show of asking how many are in your party, leading you to a large, round table, and laying out the menus with shaky hands. Kimiko, Hughie, Annie, and MM try and offer her comforting smiles, though MM’s is strained as he keeps a vigilant glare on Ben. The waitress is staring at Ben herself, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, glacing back as she leaves to get your and Butcher’s coffee, Annie and MM’s tea, Kimiko and Hughie’s milkshakes, and Ben and Frenchie’s orders of “the strongest alcohol you’ve fucking got.” Your personal bet was it was going to just be very old beer.
“Why is she fucking staring at me?” Ben muttered to you, watching the waitress as she walked away. “Did you fuck up my beard that bad?”
“Your beard looks literally the same.” You dismiss. “And it’s because, as far as the public knows, Maeve killed you in a heroic act of self-sacrifice to stop your evil, anti-American attacks. That, or she wants to fuck you.”
“Hm,” he looks back at you, settling down into his seat. “Am I allowed to bring guests into the safe house?”
“No.” You say, a little more curtly than you intended. Seeing his wide, cocky grin, you clairfy. “It’s a breach of security. She would need to pass a CIA vetting and be approved by, like, twenty people. I don’t think she’d do that just to fuck you.”
Ben shrugs, his smirk only growing. “You did.”
“I’m going to cut off your balls and feed them to you-“
“Hey,” MM cuts you off, saying your name in a brisk, hard tone from across the table. “They’re here.”
You snap your head to the door, where A-Train is practically pushing Ashley into the diner.
You hear her voice clearly over the recession pop humming from the speakers. “Why can’t we just go to the fucking deli? They make these amazing meatball subs and supes eat free, so you could order for both of us- oh fuck no.”
“Oh, shit.” MM mutters, jumping to his feet with Butcher and Annie as Ashley notices them, and promptly tries to dash for the exit.
You don’t entirely blame her. You’d probably do the same. You had done the same, an unhelpful voice reminds you.
“I- Am- Not-“ Ashley is trying to get past A-Train, who hasn’t given up trying to herd her further into the diner. “Fuck- this-“
“Ashley, just listen to them, I fucking swear-“
“Why should I trust you?!” Ashley doubles over, out of breath. “You fucking tricked me! Midnight snack my fucking ass- Fuck no!” She raises a crooked finger at Annie, who has stopped in front of her. “Get the fuck away from me, you bitch.”
“Ashley, please listen to A-Train-“
“No! Just leave me the fuck alone! I don’t want to be a part of your weird fucking eye for an eye justice shit-“
“You kind of already are.” MM says as he locks the door behind her. “You work for Vought, your it’s motherfucking CEO. That makes you a part of this, like it or not.”
“Not!” Ashley shouts. “I don’t care what you have to say! Homelander’s going to fucking kill me, oh my god.” She starts to hyperventilate. “If he finds out I was here, he’ll kill you-“ She points a shaky finger at A-Train. “And then make me go on fucking TV to explain why you’re missing, and then fucking kill me-“
Butcher scoffs. “Bloody hell, lady. Calm the fuck down, Homelander ain’t gonna find out.”
“You don’t know that!” She shrieked. “He knows fucking everything! Especially since fucking Sage joined!” She spins around frantically, and her wild eyes lock onto yours. “He knows about them!” A shaking finger jumps between you and Ben. “Fuck! He’s supposed to be fucking asleep and now he’s fucking not! And he was so fucking angry about her, I’ve never seen him so fucking angry-“
Whatever else Ashley stutters about Homelander’s anger is lost to you as the world freezes. The feeling isn’t just under your skin, it’s up your spine, in your blood, circling around your brain. It’s fucking everywhere and you can’t fucking breathe, her words looping around you.
He knows. He’s angry. He fucking knows. He’s fucking angry. He fucking knows and he’s fucking angry and he fucking knows and he’s fucking angry and-
A white hot, impossibly calm feeling crashes over you. It’s angry, hungry and angry, but it’s grounding, sharpening everything around you. Suddenly the world is back in complete focus, Ashley’s shrill rambling scraping at your ears, and in the distance that weird fucking rhythm is sounding. As the feeling in your body returns fully, you realize Ben’s hand is back on your thigh. You bounce it, looking up to give him a glare, and find he’s not even looking at you. Instead, his eyes are trained on Ashley, narrowed and cold. You give a small cough, and when he glances down at you, the feeling of anger stutters with something lighter, though only for a second.
You give another bounce of your leg, a look of move your damn hand or lose it taking over your face.
No, not until you calm the fuck down his scowl responds.
You huff, standing abruptly, and his hand falls off at the force of your movement. Suddenly you feel a lot less solid, but reason that your legs are shaky from the Homelander of it all, and if any situation calls for fractured nerves, it’s this one.
“Ashley.” You call across the diner, trying not to stutter or chew off your lip as her protests falters and attention turns to you. “If you know who I am, you know I wouldn’t be anywhere near here if we weren’t certain it was safe. Just have some food with us, listen, and then you can go.”
Ashley gives you a scowl that might surpass Ben’s but nods tightly, yanking her arm from where A-Train had been trying to hold her in place. You sit back down as the group at the door returns to their seats, the poor waitress pressing herself against the bar as they pass. Letting out a shaky, unsteady breath, you try and still yourself as you look out the diner window. City lights. Music.
City lights.
Music.
It was safe. He knows and he’s angry but was safe and there were city lights and music.
Your breathing was no longer coming in short, distressed bursts, but getting air in and out of yourself still felt like an act of labor, and you needed to get it the fuck together before Ashley sat down.
City lights. Music.
You can’t hear the song the diner is playing, instead letting your whole mind turn inward, allowing the ghost of music you can no longer sing to wash over you.
Ashley sits across from you right when you regain control, and from the corner of your eye, you see Ben pulling his hand from where it had been inching towards yours.
Her eyes flit, nerves poorly hidden, from you to Ben to Butcher to Annie and back to you, and her voice is high and shaky when she speaks. “Well?”
“Ashley, we need your help.” Annie leans forward, palms flat on the table.
“Well, then we’re done. I can’t help you. They don’t tell me anything, not really.” Ashley tries to stand, but her arm is caught by A-Train. “Really?” A-Train hisses as he pulls her back into her seat beside him. “They don’t tell you anything my ass, we sit in on all the same meetings. And I pulled these files-“ He pulls out a thumb drive from absolutely nowhere and drops it on the table. “Using your name, so you clearly have access to them.”
“What?!” Ashley looks at the thumb drive like it’s going to either explode or start jizzing on her blouse. “Why would you fucking do that?”
“Insurance.” A-Train answers smugly, the thumbdrive clearly having his intended. “I can’t open it, so you’re going to tell them how, and then I’ll erase the records of you taking the files from the system.”
Ashley looks around at your group, shaking her head. “No.”
“Sorry, Mate. We ain’t really asking.” Butcher leans across A-Train, shoving the thumb drive closer to Ashley. “Do us this solid, and A-Train won’t go right up to Homelander and tell him about how he saw you also cuddly and tight with me, Soldier Boy, and his favorite missing person.”
Your heart jumps right into your throat. City lights. Music.
Suddenly, Ben’s elbow is planted against yours, and you’re pulled back down to earth just in time to hear Ashley yell, “This is fucking blackmail! I’ll fucking sue!”
“You cannot sue government officials, madame.” Frenchie says smugly, and Hughie shakes his head.
“That’s- Frenchie, that’s not even kind of true.”
“You’re also not a government official.” Annie adds.
Frenchie looks genuinely perplexed at this and gives Kimiko a confused frown, receiving a shrug in return.
“But,” you pipe up, your voice somehow bored and casual. “I’m legally dead. He’s-“ You jab Ben in the chest, and Ashley’s eyes widen. “Legally dead and an enemy of the state. You can’t sue either of us, not without admitting some Vought secrets that will be very bad PR.” You give her a twisted smile, leering across the table. “Help us, or, even if Homelander believes you, which we both know he won’t, you’ll get fired. And I’m sure they’ll be very understanding and normal about how they do it.”
You feel a flash of weird pride and realize you can see Ben fighting a smile in your periphery.
Ashley has a fearful expression, looking at where your elbow is still connected with Ben’s. “What- what's even on it?”
“Becca Butcher files.” You say, not taking your gaze from her, but you didn’t need to look around to see the sudden, rigidness with which everyone sat. You even felt Ben’s own shock run through you.
You’d be lying if you said hiding the exact contents of the file hadn’t been a very purposeful choice that you and Butcher had made. He’d cornered you, demanding to know what you planned on doing should Soldier Boy go after Ryan, and you’d told him that it wouldn’t be an issue. Ryan looked up to Homelander, that was why he stayed. He’d lost his mother, he didn’t trust Butcher, all the poor kid had was his insane, sociopathic father. Some part of you—small and sad and tired, still sitting on a staircase in Boston—understood that. But with Becca gone, gone forever, Ryan didn’t have a place to run like you’d had. Homelander was the default, and just kind enough to his son that Ryan could force himself to forgive Homelander again and again. Homelander was safe for Ryan.
You were going to make sure Ryan never saw Homelander as safe again. And that started with Becca Butcher and would end with you. So you and Butcher had agreed with a tight handshaked that he'd ripped his hand from right after, everyone was only going to know what they needed to. That was the only way it would work.
“Becca Butcher files?” MM repeats in a slow, incredulous tone. “You,” he turns with a look of shock to Butcher. “You knew about this? You’re fuckin okay with this?”
“I’m doing what has to be done, Mate.” Butcher answers flatly, then says your name. “Tell ‘em the plan, Love.”
“We need to get Ryan away from Homelander. Ryan needs to know about his mother.”
“No,” Ashley was emerging from the shock to try and stand from the table, but A-Train’s arm shot out, pulling her back down once more. “No,” she says again, looking around desperately. “Ryan, Ryan is all he has. All he cares about. You take Ryan he’ll lose his mind-“
“He’s already lost his mind.” Something snaps in your chest—a cruel feeling waking up as you watch Ashley fret about Homelander. “And I couldn’t give less fucks about what he cares about.” The feeling is crawling across your skin. “If this hurts him, good. It could never hurt him enough to make it right.” You hear drums and still can’t place where they’re coming from. “Now listen to the last fucking strand of your morality on your scalp and fucking help us.”
Ashley shakes her head again, this time with less certainty. “It’s- no- He-“ she pulls in a deep, unsteady breath. “He won’t stop until he gets Ryan back. He already is going insane about you and him and how he needs to get you back safe and put him back down, and if Ryan goes to then nothing will stop him-“
The drums are loud now, and something that’s usually there on Ben’s face is missing. Your own body doesn’t feel entirely normal anymore, but it’s not paralyzed or running. You can feel something in Ben caving, falling inward in a growing rhythm, moving in time as something in you grows. It's not in you now, it’s across you, coating your skin and singing with glee.
“Ashley,” the sound of your voice is a little far away, but you can hear it echo through you. It’s wired, hot, a warning.
“I- I can’t.”
“Yes, you fucking can.” You sneer. “You’re just too much of a pussy to do it.” Ben coughs in the way that you know means he wants to laugh, just as the drums stutter and move farther away.
“Please, I don’t-“
“Do not make me stab you.”
Ashley falters, looking you up and down. “You won’t.”
“Trust me, she will.” Ben smirks, giving you a nudge. “She’s surprisingly violent.”
“I, I won’t. I can’t. He’ll kill me-“
“You think we won’t?” Ben growls, any amusement in him gone as you feel something unbreakable and resolved through your body.
Ashley tries to run again, this time actually managing to get up from the table, but is knocked flat on her ass by A-Train before she can take two steps. You stand and give the itch, now under your tongue and your nails, a small scratch.
“Oh, fuck no.” You hear scrambling as you walk around the table and stop, staring down at Ashley.
She’s crawling back from you, back from the fire curling from your whole body, and disgust curls in your gut. For the first time you feel anger—insatiable and gory anger—all of your own. No city lights flash around you, no hollow music dances around your head. You don’t fear Ashley. She’s weak and spineless. She’s willing to cover her hands in Ryan’s blood, in your blood, to keep herself safe from Homelander. She’s staring at you, terrified, and you don’t need to touch her to know it isn’t even a fraction of all the fear you felt in that white room. That white room she knows about, may have seen, and is still trying to keep Homelander happy.
You bend down, letting all your hatred for Vought, for her, cover your features. When you speak, your words are clear and low.
“You are going to tell Butcher how to access the thumbdrive. A-Train and you are going to take some food with you, and walk back to the tower. You aren’t going to tell Homelander about this, and if he asks, offer him some leftovers. A-Train will erase your activity from the files, and you’re going to pretend the whole night never happened. If you tell Homelander about either me or Be-“ You correct yourself smoothly. “Soldier Boy, the last thing I will do before he locks me away again is kill you. Do I make myself clear?”
Ashley nods frantically, flinching when you raise your hand.
“Say it. Say that I made myself clear.”
“You-“ Ashley stutters, hiccuping. “You made yourself clear.”
You draw yourself back up. “Good. Butcher, I’m leaving. You can drive me and come back, or Ben can steal your car, but I’m leaving.”
When you turn, when you see the looks on your team’s face, all the anger is gone, and suddenly there is a crushing, painful weight of shame on your chest. They’re looking at you like Ashley had been, like you’re no better than Homelander. Like maybe you should go back in the room, it would be safer for them, it would be safer for everyone if you were far, far away-
“You heard the lady.” Ben is standing, walking around to your side. “It’s late. We’re leaving. Sunshine?” He offers you his arm, and you stare between it and your own, still covered in flame. Looking up, his face looks bored, as if this is just another Tuesday, and he offers his arm to women who are actively ablaze on a regular basis.
Your face feels slack, and all you can manage is to blink at him. I’ll burn you, Pretty Boy. It’ll hurt.
His brows subtly knit, and he doesn’t move. I’ll live, Sunshine. Don’t let them see you break. We’re going home.
You look back at your team, a wide circle of berth having formed around you and Ben. Butcher is looking between the two of you, and you recognize that glint in his eyes. You’d seen it before, but it’s only been really, truly directed at you once. In a graveyard in Boston, gravestones and bushes around you burning in the dead of winter, holding a bucket of ice that steamed off your skin. Under it, fear begins to creep back into you, exhaustion pushing it forward. Butcher reaches behind him, and your knees feel weak.
But you don’t fall. Zealous anger, strong and raw, spreads through you and Butcher’s movements still. You look down and find Ben’s arm unflinchingly looped through yours, his body at its full height as his eyes rake coldly over Butcher.
The silence hangs in the air, cut through only by Ashley’s quick, sobbed breaths. For a second you think the smoke seeping from you will overtake the room before anyone moves, but Butcher slowly reaches into his pockets, eyes not leaving Ben’s, and throws the keys at Hughie.
“Drop them off, Mate, then come right back. No bloody detours.”
Hughie stares at the keys, looking like he’s going to protest, but Kimiko grabs them before he can.
She turns to you, completely composed, no fear wavering as she locks your eyes with hers. I’ll take you.
Before you can thank her, Frenchie steps forward, signing as he speaks. “Mon Coeur, you cannot drive.”
She frowns. Yes I can.
“No, Mon Coeur, not legally.” Frenchie says, exasperated, and you have a feeling this is not first time they've had this debate.
Kimiko rolls her eyes at you. Fine. She signs back at Frenchie, throwing the keys at him. You’ll do it.
Frenchie stumbles as he catches them, giving Kimiko a shocked look, which she pretends not to see as she walks to the door, signing at you as she passes.
Let’s go before Butcher’s brain starts working.
A small smile threatens your face, and you move, tugging Ben’s arm only once before he falls into pace with you, Frenchie scrambling behind you both.
The car ride back feels longer. The moment you’d stepped out of the diner, your body had extinguished, and you had a worrying sense that the only thing keeping you from collapsing on the sidewalk was Ben’s arm firm through yours. No words were said for the entirety of the drive, you and Ben in the backseat as Frenchie drove and Kimiko lounged in shotgun, and your brain raced. Ben hadn’t let go, and the drums were fading in and out of your chest as he stared ahead into the night.
You arrived at the safe house, only a street lamp casting a dull glow across the street. The chill of the wind cutting against you as Kimiko walked you to the door, Frenchie mumbling something about keeping the car safe from Hooligans. Ben made to step inside, but halted, still not releasing your arm, as you stayed at the doorstep.
At his questioning glare, you tried to wiggle his arm from yours. “Go inside, Ben. I’ll be right there.”
He looked down at where he was still connected with you, and you felt reluctance in time with the drums, but he let go with a scowl. “Be fast,” he grunted, and stomped into the house.
You watched until he’d disappeared fully down the hall, turning to Kimiko only once his back was shrouded in the darkness of the house.
“Thank you,” you give her a soft smile, signing as you speak. “I- I don’t know what happened, I just-“
She shakes her head, and you trail off. I understand. I get angry too. She pauses, hands hovering for only a second. We are not like them. She points down the street, in the direction of the tower, and then past you, into the house. We get to be angry.
“I don’t want to be angry.” You say softly. “He wins when I get angry.”
Kimiko gives you a sad look, placing a hand on your arm. Her own frustration, her fear of Homelander, all the anger at the world, sinks into you. She holds your gaze for a second before drawing back to sign once more. He doesn’t win when you’re angry. He wins when you’re scared. You’re not Soldier Boy. Your anger is good.
You glance back into the house. “I think he- Ben- Soldier Boy- is scared. Or something. His emotions are really fucking confusing.”
You let him touch you. She signs. Does he know?
“He said he didn’t care, because he’s, and I quote, ‘not a pussy with something to hide’.”
But he’s scared? She gives you a questioning frown. Do you think it’s because of Russia? Could you fix it, like you offered for me?
“I’m not sure, but-“ you’re cut off as Frenchie honks the horn, leaning out the window.
“Mon Coeur!” His odd position makes his signing almost unintelligible, which he seems to realize, and raises his voice. “Monsieur Butcher says to get back ‘like a hare with a bomb up it’s arse'.”
Kimiko rolls her eyes at you, but signs a goodbye, giving your hand a small squeeze before returning to the car. As the engine rumbles, Frenchie pulling out the driveway, Kimiko’s calm faith lingers in you, and you walk back into the house, shutting the door behind you.
Almost all the lamps and ceiling lights of the house are off, the TV glowing from where you had abandoned it several hours ago. From the bottom of the stairs, you can see the upstairs hall is washed in a soft yellow, and when you reach the top Ben’s door is open, the light from within filling the hall. You stop at the entrance to his room, his back to you as he pulls a cotton shirt over his head.
You let out a small cough in a weak attempt to alert him to your presence.
“You’re allowed to just come in, Sunshine.” He grunts, still facing away. “I’m not a shy little virgin you need to pussyfoot around.”
You let out a small hum, walking over the threshold and stopping a few feet behind him. “Thank you.” You say softly, and he turns around to look at you.
His eyes are tired. Pained. Something looks like it’s pulling at him and it scares you. You’ve seen that expression before, when you’d woken him up that first day, at the Neuman mission, when you pulled him from nightmares with sharp hits, but never just there. It was always with something. This was like an island, just him and you, nothing pulling it out of him.
“Don’t thank me.” He says gruffly. Even his voice is drained. “You mostly held your own.”
“But-“
“And stop feeling bad about that Ashley bitch. She fucking deserved it.”
You stare at him. “You really believe that?”
He lets out a hollow laugh. “She was fucking pathetic. A fucking pussy. Fucking eating out Homelander’s fucking hand, brown-nosing him until he fucking cums and pays her, letting him take you-“ His jaw clenches. “I fucking meant it when I said we’re not going back Sunshine. I’m not a goddamn pussy liar.”
“I didn’t think you were. But, you…” Your voice fades as you try to find the words. “I could feel you. At the diner.”
“I fucking know, that was the goddamn point. I wasn’t going to let you start crying in front of those self-righteous pussies.”
“No, Ben.” You shake your head. “I could feel you. I could feel it.” You place a hand over your chest. “It was building. There was something beating against you, inside you. And you looked…” You watch him carefully. “Scared.”
“Fucking watch it.” He growls. “I don’t get fucking scared. I’m not-“
“A fucking pussy. I know.” You sigh. “I don’t want to, I can’t, fight right now. I’m so fucking tired. You can scream at me in the morning, but not right now, please.”
He stares at you, and just when you think he’s going to start yelling, he nods. “You’re…” He sounds strange. “You’re ok.”
Just like the last time he said it, the words aren’t phrased like a question. They don’t feel like a question. It feels like he’s just telling you again. But there’s something under it this time, something that makes his words almost unsure. Something that makes up your mind faster than you thought you would.
“Are you?” You ask quietly.
“Of course I fucking am.”
“Ben.” You tilt your head at him. “I’m going to tell you something, and I don’t want you to respond now.”
“You’re being fucking weird, Sunshine.”
“Please.”
He relents with a grunt. “Fucking fine. What.”
“I can fix it.” It’s so hard to keep his gaze as you speak. “It will take time, but I can fix it.”
“Fix what.” He scowls. “There’s nothing to fucking fix.”
“Your PTSD.”
“I don’t fucking have-“
“Ben, I could feel it. It’s dangerous. I could fix it.” You take a deep breath. “I can fix internal injuries as well. I offered to fix Kimiko’s muteness, but she didn’t want me to do it.”
“Then what fucking makes you think-“
“Muteness isn’t dangerous. And it would’ve been harder for me, I might have ended up mute myself. You’re dangerous like this. You can’t fucking control it, and don’t try and lie and say it’s under control. Ashley mentioned putting you back under, and you looked like someone was drowning you.”
“Shut the fuck up, Sunshine.” He leers at you. “You don’t fucking know me, know what it was like-“
“I do. You know I do.” You whisper, and the anger on his face breaks. “More than anyone else, I know. I can fix it, but you’ll have to let me. Just-“ You search his eyes, not sure what you’re looking for. “Just think about it. I won’t mention it again, I won’t even touch you, but my offer will stay on the table. Please, just think about it.”
Before you can leave, he grabs your hand. A rush of painful exhaustion runs through you, and there’s anger, but it’s not full of the fervor you’ve come to expect from him. It’s not even at you. It’s wide and almost consuming, leaving room for only a small kernel of something fragile and warm.
“I don’t care if you keep touching me, Sunshine. I've go nothing to hide from you, and that’s not going to change. But there’s nothing in me you need to fucking fix, so don’t fucking bother.”
“I’m not trying to fix you, Ben,” You murmur. "But remember, you burn, I burn. Please don't burn." Your last words are soft, and the kernel pulses.
“Good,” he grunts, releasing your arm. A small smirk crawls onto his face. “Now I don’t care if it’s here or in your room, Sunshine, but you need to go the fuck to bed. You look like shit.”
Just as he says it, the full weight of your fatigue hits you. You give a mumbled acknowledgement of his words, and try to leave the room, but all the adrenaline is gone from your system and nothing is left to stop the failure of your legs or droop of your eyes. The last thing you feel is something pulling you up before your knees hit the carpet, the last thing you see is green eyes on your own, and you hear an amused snort from above you.
“Goodnight, Sunshine. Try not to dream about me.”
You try to object, but sleep pulls you under before you can even remember why you need to.
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inbabylontheywept · 6 months ago
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your life stories are always so interesting so i shall poke a stick into the cage and ask for more. do you have any fun stories of near death experiences? personally i choked on a lifesaver as a child and could not breathe
personally? not really. ive got a pretty decent hospital story though.
see, my grandpa was in charge of the easter pageant in my state. its a big mormon thing, a lot of other churches come because its just good easter worship. anyway, in part of the pageant, theres a pony for jesus and mary to ride around on. technically supposed to be a donkey, but ponys are just so much more photogenic. anyway this happened when my little sister was going through her little-girl-pony phase, so this was so major-league shit to her. so much so that my grandpa, who i still miss so much, brought this pony to our house so she could ride it.
my little brother? he also wanted to ride it. and i didnt really want to ride it, but they were both so small someone kind of needed to hold those two onboard, and i was the lighest person capable of doing so, (didnt want to overload the pony) so i went on the back too.
and it was a stellar time until the donkey went under a tree, then my little sister hit her head on a branch and fell left, and her fall took my little brother out because he was holding onto her, and both of them took me out, so we all fell off the pony, but me with 2 kids on my left arm.
god blessed me with a third elbow that day.
here are the things that followed after the Miracle of the Third Elbow
my autistic dad came outside to check on me. id broken my arm the year before, so i knew what it was, and i knew what it felt like, so i was able to pretty clearly go "yeah, dad, i broke my arm." and he was able to go "whew. yeah. thats like, harry potter broken." and i was able to say "yeah. yeah it hurts pretty bad." and he said "oh, yeah, definitely. that looks horrible." and then i basically said something like "hopital" and he was like "right" and then we left. my memory after that gets weird.
i can remember driving up main street, and seeing this guy dancing. like, full on dancing down the street. and i asked my dad about why that guy was dancing, and he said that man was a schizophrenic, and he was medicated, but the medication had just made it so that his voices told him to dance instead of hurt himself. now he danced all the time. i should clarify that my dad worked in the ER so he knew a lot of the local homeless on a life-story kind of level. my dads a good guy.
i can remember sitting in the waiting room with a magician that had sliced his right hand open pretty bad while cooking. he was trying his best to keep us entertained with his cards, but because he was doing all his tricks left handed, he'd mess them up sometimes and it was actually kind of more fun to watch than just him in expert mode. another good guy. very friendly, but visibly repulsed by my arm.
i can remember being in a bed, and a nurse coming up to me and saying that they could give me some painkillers, which i was super stoked about, but the IV from the painkillers basically required being stabbed with a needle as thick around as a pencil. she recomended saying the alphabet backwards when she put the needle in, and i said i didn't know how, and then she stuck in the needle in. over 4 seconds i was able to go from z to c, a feat i have never since been able to replicate.
after the painkillers, i watched a tv show called Jackie Chan Adventures, which was an animated cartoon with an animated Jackie Chan, voiced by the real Jackie Chan, solving mysteries. i actually assumed that whole thing was a hallucination until i was an adult, and i was describing it to my wife, and she was like "no, that actually happened." which was funny to happen to me, because when me and her started dating, she just kind of dropped how awesome it was that obama was the first muslim president, and i was like what, no hes an episcopalian, and it turns out that her dad, who sucks for many reasons, had told her that obama was a muslim, and she was sweet enough to believe that, and also to just be like oh, neat, our president is black and a muslim, we are truly moving forward as a counry." i love her so much.
no memories of it after that. not even sure when i got home. just a straight up weird time.
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astroohoe · 9 months ago
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Astro observations
Hi! I know its been a while since i posted ...was going through some thangs loll now let's get to itttt.
•Gemini women loves to gossip lol. They can literally be gossiping about you while youre literally there, they do not care if you hear or not . Honestly, i think the end goal was for you to hear theyre talking shit about you lol
•Gemini women have anger issues. They're really HOT TEMPERED and you can hear it from the top of their voice it's soooo bad😑
•Virgo women are mean 😑...most people dislike virgo women because they can criticize you, judge you all day and it might even seem like they bullying you lol...im a virgo myself and i don't even like most of the virgo women ive met ........they're personality is just 100% TRASH and they're sooo blunt eiiii😂😂😂
Ex:Beyonce in destinys's child...lol search for her old interviews with the...girl has been judging them all day😂 and the SHADE she used to give to them!! Guuuuuuuuurl was shady aslllll😂😂😂😂
•Taurus women are GOLDIGERS
•Aries sun men are selfish sometimes, they'll choose themselves first and you'll be soooo surprised😂
•Scorpio men are SENSITIVE! DRAMA KINGS ALL DAY...I swear I've never seen a man act sooooo petty and a bitch at the same time lol.
•Scorpio men are caring
•Scorpio men love love and loves the idea of love and a relationship lol they cant be single for oneday, always looking .
•Grown Capricorn men are 100% PREDATORY🙄
•Pieces men literally have a phase in their early 20's where they're just HOES and a menace in their relationships🤣😭😭😭 they could be dating three of four girls at the time and you wont even figure it out..that Neptune energy blurs all the lies..it makes them a GOOD LIAR and skilled at it....they can even gaslight you when you ask them if they are cheating on you...but when they grow in their 40's they actually STEP UP as MEN .they can literally reject girls to tell them im married and i love me wife..so be patient...They're also EXTREMELY LOVING AND SELF SACRIFICING 🥰🥰🥰🥰
.Pieces venus and mars knows how to give love, lol they're soooooo sweet. You're lucky to have a Pieces venus a bf or gf they know how to love.
•Virgo venuses are hoes100%
•Aquarius women are hypocrites but solo beautiful. They are shady friends and good at stealing peoples husbands and boyfriends....they're NOT that good of a people tbh.
•Sagitarrius women are thee most intelligent in the class followed by Capricorn women. They always get good grades . lol are you messing with a half horse half human and LITERALLY THE GOAT??😂😂😂 at you dumb??
•EARTH SIGNS WOULD ROAST YOU...YOU REALLY DO NOT WANT THE SMOKE WITH THEM....ESPECIALLY WITH TAURUS MEN...THEY WILL ROAST YOU TO EVEN END UP GETTING PLASTIC SURGERY
•Capricorn men can insult you on every deeper level.
•Virgo women have a sharp tongue and they can literally plan on revenging you honestly...im even scared of earth signs they're not to be played with .
•Sagitarius women see LITERALLY every women as they're competion...why??? They are one of theee most jealous signs EVER...LIKE??
•Gemini women are annoying tbh😑
•Capricorn girls were the mean girls in school 100%
•Aquarius mercuries have a smart mouth and a sooooo intelligent.
•Cancer women are soooo feminine...and extremely funny ...my beauties>>>>>>
•LEOS are soooooo motherly😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 like, i love y'all
•Aries and Libra....why do y'all like each other sooooo much??...and most of the times , it is the libras who chases the Aries suns...The libra men are sooooo obsessed with the Aries woman, or Aries rising lol....
So thats it forrrrr meeeee ......hope you enjoyed? Byeeee
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jiraiconfessions · 16 days ago
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you know, i really do hate everyone in this community, and i really mean that. you can sit there and try to act as unstable as you want but in reality most people here are surrounded by loving families and this is just the modern version of the 2015 edgelord emo phase. none of you do fucking anything jirai-like except sit there bitching about shit you could easily fucking fix if you put any effort into doing so.
"i cant make friends" "im so suicidal" "i just wanna cut" i dont fucking care. can you talk about literally anything else? yeah its an unstable subculture thats very true but are you like actually aware that the reason you arent making any jirai friends is because nobody wants to be around people threatening to cut 24/7? its the same in japan, i feel like some of you have this weird notion that jp jirai are all friends with each other and dancing around in lovely circles while being drunk on the streets but in actuality its just like literally any other friend groups where people fight and cry and then never see each other again. except when you fight with a friend in one of those groups theres a chance theyll fucking overdose and die in the streets without ever having a chance to fix it
youre all so fucking weird. all of you, none of you are free from this except for maybe like 2 people in the community. "i want to join the toyoko kids" "i wish there was an american version of the toyoko kids" then go outside and fucking talk to the homeless people around you, they'll hook you up with drugs and alcohol so you can run around the street like a real toyoko kid. oh, wait, but none of you will because the fact of the matter is you dont actually care about the lifestyle itself you just want to be around cute asian girls— you know its fucking true, reposting random photos of random jp jirai from twt with some shitty caption above it, acting like you fucking care. one of the biggest girls who gets posted in those memes is currently going through domestic violence and is posting about it on her twitter, and for a community that "cares" about each other ive seen literally nobody giving her any support or anything. just more shitty reposts of her photos going like "omgggg this is so me >.<" like id fucking hope it isnt you.
by the way none of you freaks wanting to be a toyoko kid could survive it. you scream and cry when theres a pedophile in your dms but if you were a toyoko kid those same people would be dictating how much money you get to spend that month. "ewww there's a pedophile in my dms" omgggg no way?? in the community commonly associated with child prostitutes theres a pedophile trying to talk to you?? who couldve seen that coming
none of you have the right to sit on a high throne and call yourself "real jirais" when the only lifestyle you fuckers engage in is being minorly mentally ill. none of you get to sit there and call people elitists when you actively look down on sex workers and people who can afford higher brands. btw if youd have done literally any research youd know that the style is indeed called "jirai kei" in japan, and not dark girly, but that point has been hammered to death on this blog so whatever.
anyway to the non fetishisers in the community i love u
TL;DR A vast majority of this community consists of people who do not understand the struggles of Japanese landmines. It gets to a point where the complaining can be insufferable, and often misses the mark entirely. There's a huge fetishism issue, and a lot of landmines on here just want to be around Asian girls. Also, it's not called "dark girly," it's called jirai kei.
(Hopefully that covers it effectively.)
Normally I'd just flat out queue things, but I'm going to post this one immediately. Anon, I don't know who the user you're talking about going through DV is, since I'm not active in those spaces, but If you're able to please do send another ask sharing her username. I would like to post anything I can to help her.
Also, I personally would like to thank you for pointing out how people look down on sex workers. I don't usually insert my own opinion but as a former sex worker myself I often feel left behind in this community. Thank you.
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steifel · 6 months ago
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HERE TO ASK YOU ABOUT UR TRANS JOHNNY AND SODA HEADCANONS 🫡
I may have gone a little over bord with these
TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts, transphobia, gender dysphoria, talks of body parts. Everything is very minor but please protect your peace
Sodapop
-first off She cam out to Johnny first on accident Darry had taken Pony to the doctors so nobody was home Soda wanted to test a theory. She was dancing around the house in a mini skirt and a stuffed bra Johnny walked into the house and was like "you wanna talk about this? You don't have to"
-soda literally broke down telling Johnny everything
-poor Johnny has no idea how to comfort people but he just sat there listening and understanding
-she told Pony next they were laying in bed one night and the conversation went like this
S: hay Pone? You know how Johnny was born a girl but hes really a boy?
P: mhm
S: well sometimes i feel like i might be your sister even though ive always kind of been your brother
P: *pulling Soda into a big hug* ok
S: thats it just ok
P: um okay.... I love you?
S: love you too pony
-she told Darry next and he required a lot more information than ponyboy did.
-how long have you known
- she/her?
-who all knows
-is your name still Sodapop
-how do you feel
-do you want me to help you tell anyone
-is there anything i can do to help you?
-after Darry got all the information he needed he just hugged his sister and said "i always wanted a little sister"
-she told Steve next
-he was actually kind of excited
-after she told Steve she started living as a girl 100% of the time
-Twobit and Dally were super confused but they eventually figured it out
-Soda is a woman of extremes she is ether so eurphoric shes ontop of the world or so dysphoric that she can barely get out of bed
-her bad dysphoria days just about kill Steve
-he knows that she's the most beautiful girl in the world and it hurts him that she doesn't know that
-when she's dysphoric he always gives her one of his long shirts to wear and then holds her in bed as long as she needs just telling her shes beautiful and playing with her hair.
-when she's super euphoric you bet your ass Steve is gonna take her out and show her off (if anyone says anything bad they get jumped)
-if/when she goes on E she wears push up bras every day and that makes Steve go crazy
-if you think Soda was hot as a guy than you'll think shes a goddess as a girl
-Steve feels so lucky
-its not all fun and games though
-she gets jumped a lot
-the socs can be very vilont with her
-she tends to silently cry herself to sleep a lot
-her and Johnny get really close
-they actually trade pre transition cloths
-johnny teaches her all of the "girl" stuff he learned in childhood and she teaches him the "guy" stuff
-believe me when i tell you that Soda is a MASTER at tucking
-she wears super tight pants and skirts
-Soda is suuuuper fem
-she loves doing her hair and makeup
-this pisses pony off because she takes forever to get ready in the mornings
-the one bathroom thing starts to become a problem now that Soda takes an hour to get ready
Johnny
-was absolutely terrified to come out to the gang
- he put it off for a long time
-came out to Dall first
-and he only came out at this point because Dally could tell something was bothering his little buddy
"So you gonna tell me whats wrong or am i gonna have to guess?"
-dall was genuinely so mad. Not because he's trans but because Johnny had the gaul to ask if Dally hated him now
-when he told Pony he had a shit ton of questions
-this is mostly the reason Pony didn't have a lot of questions when Soda came out
-johnny is one of those lucky bastards that naturally looks masculine so he passes almost immediately
-he never gets out of his baggy clothes and flanels phase (me projecting)
-every single member of the gang makes him take his binder off after 8 hours
"Comon Dall just a little while longer? Please"
"Jonnycakes we can do this the easy way or the hard way now it dont matter to me but i gotta fealing you're not gonna like the hard way"
-eventually Johnny starts to feel more comfortable around the gang without it
-if he's in public though he doesn't give a fuck what dallys "hard way" is he will be wearing that binder
-while Soda usually experiences her transness through euphoria Johnny usually experiences his through disphoria
Another TW for SH and Suicidal thoughts ill let you know when it ends
-he has a tendency towards SH
-one time dally found him attempting to give himself top surgery and he had actually gotten pretty far
-Dally was horrified he's no stranger to blood and violence but it was really bad
-Johnnys gotten a lot better but there was one point where they hid all the knives and did there best to have somebody with him at all times
-Darry has had to grab his hands and hold him super tight before
-Dally had a really hard time sleeping during this time he made Johnny stay with him and he just watches Johnny sleep.
-Dally was just terrified he was gonna lose Johnny over something as stupid as how the world sees him
Major TW over
-on major dysphoria days he really just wants to be left alone.
-he mainly just sleeps on those days
-the whole gang tries to help but sometimes you just have to feel your feels you know
-he cries because of it sometimes and that just makes the dysphoria worse which makes him cry more (me too me too)
-Johnny absolutely loves it when the boys roughhouse with him cause it makes him feel like they really see him as a guy
Ok i feel like if i keep talking about Johnny im ether gonna start crying or just spill every bit of information about my transness. anyway i hope you enjoyed
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fresh-bird · 2 months ago
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man you know I don't support puppychan or wolfertinger666 or whatever, like, at All, ive just been observing, but some of you have GOT to shut the fuck up about what you're "criticizing"
like about him drawing his sona and all the big tits trans men, it's his own business, as a trans man, to draw them how he enjoys, you're fucking obnoxious and pathetic if you want to deny him that or say he's fetishizing trans men.
n the repetitive commentary he makes is annoying as fuck, it's weird that he keeps infantilizing himself and his characters as "boys," nd its really uncomfortable how he depicts trans men almost exclusively as bottoming for trans women, but that's an issue w how he sees trans women.
he's allowed to depict trans men and his sona how he wants and to see himself in them, you don't have any valuable point to make if you don't like the way he experiences his own gender. just stop dancing around it and say you don't think he's actually transmasc and a lot of your criticism is because you didn't grow out if your truscum phase. literally who gives a shit about his gender. we are not getting anywhere as a society if you can't let trans people like him exist.
"He's fetishizing trans men" just say you don't think He's a trans man. Just say it. You know what you mean.
he leaves a million annoying comments waxing the same ten lines about how depicting this art has emotional meaning to him and that he's representing and doing something others don't and it's insincere as fuck. You can criticize how he almost only draws non-op or non-hrt trans guys but says he values representation without doubting his right to draw trans men like himself. and aren't there more important things to worry about him doing anyways??
it is also Not Your Business what slurs he reclaims and what he or his gf identify as. she can identity as a lesbian if he's fine with it and he can say his attraction to women is gay and call himself a fag if he wants. what the fuck is wrong with you? why are you so insistent that people's orientations make sense to you? how is it ANY of your business how he and his gf experience their orientations? You're wasting your fucking time on labels and identity policing? Are you 14 years old? don't you think there's more pressing concerns to be had than microanalyzing every aspect of his queer/LGBTQ identity??
And lately esp, he's making more effort drawing rolls and body fat than a lot of people would and it's incredibly nasty of anyone to criticize that. actually grow the fuck up and let people think it's hot to be fat. You're not helping fat people or fat liberation by treating attraction to us and a desire to look like us as something aberrant or like a fetish, you're part of the problem and should be honestly fucking ashamed of yourself if you genuinely have an issue with the bodies he draws and call him a fetishist.
Like literally so fucking what if he thinks fat people are hot? Being fat isn't something inherently bad or weird, that's part of the point of fat acceptance, it's just about having that body.
It's the same as that destinytomoon shit. like it's not your business if someone wants to draw fat people and thinks fat people are hot. Focus on the actual fucking issues.
thinking fat people are hot should be as average as finding people with curls or high cheekbones hot. actually listen to fat liberation activists for once in your life and hear about how backwards and ignorant it is to treat attraction and interest in us as aberrant in some way.
There are real actual issues to criticize and you choose to bitch and moan about the wrong fucking things, always ending up being disrespectful as hell. we don't need you defending us.
"he's thin but says he isn't and draws his sona with rolls he doesn't have" yeah so saying hes not fat/chubby is valid. he doesn't know what hes talking about. But who CARES how he draws his sona. maybe he wants to be chubby or fatter? Is there something wrong with drawing your fursona with a body you'd like or find hot?
if youre reading this i should hope you dont need me to fill you in on the Actual issues.
start with talking about how weird he is about trans women topping and maybe you'll go somewhere. that causes tangible harm to other people and isn't just you being fucking weird and obsessive about his identity and about what he's attracted to. It makes you look creepy and pathetic. you shouldn't treat ANYONE this way about their identity, it doesn't matter who.
ending up coming back and editing this lmao.
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steddieasitgoes · 1 year ago
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written for @eddiemonth Day 5, Prompt: Role Model (and Brave if you squint)
read on ao3 | link to my ao3 Eddie Month series
“Will’s out of practice, but I think he’s excited to play again,” Mike says, sliding Eddie’s worn D&D notebook across the small hospital bed tray. “You know, when you’re up for it, of course. I mean, one of us could DM me or Will, I mean, but we’re not as good as you.” 
“Who told you flattery works on me, Wheeler?” Eddie jests, grinning up at him from his hospital bed. “Yeah, yeah, of course, I’ll DM something for you sheep. It’ll give me something to do in here while those government people work their cover-up magic.” 
Eddie watches as a smile takes over Mike’s entire face, eyes crinkling in the corner. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen the kid so happy before. And all over a game. They really are nerds, aren’t they? Before Mike has time to give his input, something Eddie knows he is gearing up to do because he always has input, there’s a knock on the closed hospital door. 
“Mike?” Nancy calls as she cracks the door open. “There you are. The boys are looking for you. Something about a vending machine?” 
“Oh, shit,” Mike swears, eyes wide. 
“Duty calls?” 
“Yeah, we’re trying to bride the guy in charge of stocking the machine on Max’s floor to give us snacks for free,” he says, walking backward towards the door. “I’ll bring you back something if our mission is successful.” 
Eddie places a request for a Milky Way and a bag of chips, which Mike mentally notes before disappearing into the hallway. Nancy’s about to head out behind him, already pulling Eddie’s door shut when he calls out to her. 
“Got a minute, Wheeler Senior?” 
Nancy hovers in the doorway, nose turned up. “Only if you promise never to call me that again.” 
Eddie laughs, mimes crossing his heart as best he can earning a shake of Nancy’s head. Still, she steps into the room, closing the door behind her before making the short trip to his bedside. 
“How are you doing?” she asks, eyes scanning him from head to sock-covered toes. 
“Now that I’m finally awake, I just, uh, wanted to properly say thank you,” Eddie says, wincing as he tries to adjust his position in the bed. It’s already raised to a seated position, but he’s still not comfortable. His torso burns and the wires hooked up to him clink against the bed frame and it’s hell, but if he doesn’t adjust himself soon his foot is going to fall asleep and the only thing worse than getting nearly mauled to death by bats in a hell dimension is the feeling of pins and needles in his feet. 
“Thank me?” 
“Oh, don’t play coy, Wheeler. You saved my life,” Eddie says, finally settling on his side. “Henderson told me how you took over carrying me back after Harrington’s own wounds got the better of him. You didn’t have to do that.” 
“Of course, I had to do that! I wasn’t going to let you die down there.” 
“I wouldn’t have blamed you. I mean, I almost got us all killed.” 
“You— what?” Nancy asks, eyes wide in confusion. Reaching behind her, she grabs the spare chair (the one Wayne’s been sleeping in every chance he gets) and drags it towards the bed. The legs screech against the linoleum tile, but it doesn’t seem to phase her. “You saved us, Eddie. Saved Dustin, definitely.” 
“Tell that to his fractured leg.” 
Nancy shakes her head and reaches for his hand that doesn’t have an IV needle shoved into it. She looks at him with a face of determination. One not unlike the face she had when she explained their plan two weeks ago in the stolen Winnebago. This is Nancy on a mission. Except, Eddie’s not sure what the mission is this time. 
“Stop,” she says, squeezing his hand. “Just stop, okay? You didn’t fail us or whatever you think you did. You kept Dustin safe. You bought us more time. I would have liked it if you didn’t use your body as bait.” She glances at his exposed arms, wrapped in gauze, some already bloody again. “But you did what you had to do. We all did what we had to do. And we’re alive. That’s all that matters.” 
“Yeah, but I—“
“No,” she scolds, glaring at him this time. “I don’t want to hear it. You don’t get to downplay what you did or think you’re some— some fuck up. Because you’re not. You are a hero. A brave hero! And I won’t let you say those things about yourself, especially not when Mike could overhear you. You’re his role model, you know?” 
It hurts to laugh, but it bubbles out of him anyway. It’s not the happy kind of laughter, though. It’s of the unamused variety. The kind of laughter he’s used at aiming at Jason and the rest of the jocks in the Hawkins High cafeteria. 
“Don’t bullshit me, Wheeler. M’not that kid’s role model.” 
“You are, though,” she says, doubling down. “Mike never shuts up about you. He was miserable this summer when the Byers moved, and he realized he was starting school without his best friend and girlfriend. I swear he almost jumped out of my car on that first day of school. So imagine my surprise when he climbed in the car at the end of the first day with a genuine smile on his face.”
“All I did was give him a place to eat lunch.” 
“No, you gave him so much more than that. Mike’s always had friends, sure, but he’s never had a role model. Not like the others do. I mean, Dustin has Steve, which is weird. but it somehow works. Will has Jonathan. Lucas has his dad. But Mike? Mike’s always sort of floundered in the role model department. I mean, you’ve seen our dad. He doesn’t exactly get Mike.”
“What? And I do?” Eddie asks, still not entirely buying Nancy’s words. Though, he should know better than to doubt Nancy Wheeler. After all, this is the girl who has guns, plural, in her bedroom. 
“Yeah, you do. More than either of you realize.”
Eddie considers that for a moment. Thinks about the way Mike’s cheeks have always turned the slightest shade of pink in his presence. The way he always, always found a way to bring up Baby Byers in conversations. The memory is hazy, but he remembers watching him in those first few hours he woke up from the coma. Mike reaching for Will’s arm when Eddie’s eyes fluttered open.
And then he thinks of himself. The lingering glances he’s snuck in the hallways. The flirtatious jabs he threw Steve’s way when he was running for his life, sure he was going to die. 
Once again, he’s left stunned by Nancy. Though, really, he should have seen this one coming. She is a journalist, after all. It’s her job to be observant. 
“Alright, fine,” Eddie concedes. “Maybe I’m Mike’s role model. But if I’m being straight with you, Wheeler. I don’t think I’m going to be any good at the job.” 
“You’re already good at the job,” she says, squeezing his hand once last time before pulling away. “Just keep it up. And you know, get better so you can play that damn game of yours.” 
“You know, there’s always room for more players at the table.” 
Nancy laughs as she peels herself off the chair. “You’re funny, Eddie. Unfortunately, I’ve got a real battle to get ready for. Not to offend, but I prefer to take on the monsters in real life now.” 
He shakes his head, smiling fondly as Nancy makes her way to the door. “You know, if anyone should be Baby Wheeler’s role model, it’s you.” 
“Yeah, well, Mike’s still a stupid teenage boy,” she shrugs. “But thanks for the vote of confidence.” 
Eddie salutes her before letting out an embarrassing yawn. Nancy muffles a laugh into her head before reaching for the door. “Hey, Eddie,” she says, glancing over his shoulder. Eddie hums, eyes already drooping. “For what it’s worth, you should also maybe stop being so hard on yourself when it comes to Steve. You’re good for each other.” 
* * * 
Eddie’s woken from his brief nap a few minutes later by Steve. “Was that Nance I saw leaving your room?” he asks, dumping an armful of vending machine snacks onto the hospital bed tray. The shitheads must have had a successful mission, after all. 
“Uh, yeah,” Eddie nods, dazed from being woken up and also the reality of Nancy’s final words to him finally hitting him. 
“Oh, no, I know that look,” Steve says, collapsing in the chair previously occupied by Nancy. He kicks his feet up on the edge of Eddie’s bed and tears into a bag of Doritos. “She gave you one of her ‘cut you to your core’ Nance speeches, didn’t she?” 
Eddie just nods. 
“Shit, I’ve been there,” Steve says, patting Eddie’s shoulder. “It sucks in the moment, but let me tell you. Eventually, you’ll realize she was right all along and thank her. Nance is never wrong.” 
“Yeah,” Eddie says, stealing a glance at Steve. “I’m never doubting her ever again.” 
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coldresolve · 4 months ago
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squeezing mm through the danish lit meat grinder
so i know ive joked about mm having a boiling spaghetti plot structure where we start out mild and let that thing sit there until the whole thing boils over. and thats true, but if yall want a more in depth ramble about tension beats ive tried to hit, lemme introduce you to the narrative tension model thats been beaten into my head since i was 8 by the danish education system. presenting:
the narrative model
aka the hollywood model, aka the whale model (it supposedly looks a bit like a whale)
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note that this isn't exactly a model for plot structure, as you see with ex. the hero's jurney, save the cat, etc - it's a model that can be laid on top of any plot structure and serves to illustrate narrative tension. and thinking about narrative tension this way is incredibly helpful in my experience. i feel like its pretty self explanatory, but in case it's not:
the impact refers to the "hook", or the inciding incident;
the introduction is where we get to know the characters and conflict;
the elaboration is where the story starts to get moving;
the turning point, or the point of no return, is where something major happens that alters something, whether it be the stakes, the nature of the conflict, etc. this is typically found around the midway point. i prefer calling it the turning point because point of no return implies things can go back to the status quo for a while before this, which they usually can't once the conflict has been introduced
the escalation is the build-up to the climax in which tension rises exponentially
the climax is where shit hits the fan. it ends with the revelation of the story's main theme
the fade out, or the resolution, is where characters settle in their new (or sometimes old) normal
the thing about this model is that you can put literally all stories into it and it checks out. sure, the length and position of each "phase" shifts around a lot depending on the underlying plot structure. sometimes the change in narrative tension is barely pronounced until it takes off for the climax, sometimes the escalation takes up 90% of the story, sometimes the fade out is literally just a single sentence. but thats the beautiful thing about models: who gives a fuck, do what you want
ive had this vaguely in mind for moneymakers and finally sat down today and applied it (ik its not done yet but shush). and honestly im kinda surprised with how well it fits. these things are pretty subjective, so you can make the argument that the turning point includes ratio, or the climax starts at the last stream or after The Confession, etc etc. but heres where i'd draw the lines
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note my immaculate excel skills. also note that blue = conrad's pov and green = renee's pov, and that one pretty nicely fades into the other. im very proud of that switch okay. im a writing god is what im saying
anyway yeah i dunno. this is all pretty basic but i like it a lot, so
happy saturday. insert peace sign emoji
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akajustmerry · 7 months ago
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TW Body dysmorphia / diet discussion.
Ive never been thin in my life, always average to average+, but recently bc of some health issues I put on a ton of weight and it's been horrible, fighting myself at every turn to not resort to terrible methods to cut corners and magically return to how I've always been. I try very hard not to listen to diet culture shit, I think it's mostly scams anyway. But it's also so hard to accept body changes you had no control over. and EVERYTHING, especially doctors will encourage you to 'lose weight' as if 'just eat healthier and cut on the pasta and bread' (literally what my doctor told me) was a solution for everyone. Also fuck I hate exercising and I love eating and my partner loves to eat and to cook and it's so fucking hard trying to restrain myself when rich, delicious nutritive food permeates the house. Anyway you probably know all this but I feel so frustrated. Nobody around me understands. They're all like 'oh but you don't look fatter' (I gained 20kgs in the span of 2 years.. it's not in my head guys I did get significantly noticeably fatter) or 'just exercise'.... exercise with me then if it's that easy damn. I'm not a diet girl I can't survive on a cucumber and a tomato salad especially when my partner makes, like, risotto for dinner or something. Anyway. All this to say I wish there was more fucking grace for people going through changes in their bodies and weight gain and such.
hi there. I have almost identical thoughts and feelings due to similar circumstances. I understand how frustrating and miserable it is to be constantly fighting yourself and not really know how to talk about it with people so they'll be supportive. one thing i try to do is give myself the grace that others won't. I also try to educate myself as much as possible about how weight and dieting actually works so I can mentally combat the diet culture bullshit. listening to the podcast, Maintenance Phase has done so much for me in terms of unlearning fatphobia. another thing I try to practice is just being neutral about my body, thinking of it in terms of what it can do and what it needs rather than what it should be. Easier said than done I know. And I know it's really hard not to compare yourself to past you, especially when other people do it but I try to think of weight as an arbitrary thing like fashion sense when it comes to thinking of past you. I think back to clothes I wore 10 years ago and many of them I wouldn't wear now because they're unappealing and I don't dress that way anymore. I try to think of weight the same way like it's just another thing of the 1000 things that change with time. Just give yourself the grace others don't for your own sanity. It won't fix everything, of course. But it might relieve some of the mental strain. Just do what you can for yourself. Even 5 minutes walking around your living room is better than no excercise regardless of weight. Adding veges/fibre/fruit to any meal you can is great even if you can't do it every day. And most importantly, Eating is always better for you than starving yourself. Every time. I hope it gets easier for you to be in your body, truly ❤️
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alfredojesta · 4 hours ago
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hc stuff ... or au rewrite stuff ?!
nathan's powers are temporary ghost magic. same things crystal could do but limited. he can phase through stuff. just disappear and reappear, and hes good at sensing spirits around him. he can also communicate with ghosts hence why hes a medium
i think when his powers activate, his eyes have a purple glow bc i Always liked that idea HAHA (and i associate crystal with the colour purple)
candy pop gave nathan his powers—indirectly. basically, crystal requested that candy pop fuse her soul with nathan's, so that she could finally rest, no longer be a roaming spirit. and nathan could learn how to fend for himself.
crystal died when they were both 11. she was always stuck as an 11 yr old following nathan around as he grew up, being a protector for him. nathan was dependent on her, and also couldn't get over the fact she was dead in the first place. having her as a spirit only deteriorated his health, as he kept believing she was still alive.
the fact nathan got to grow up and crystal lost her life so soon is tragic bc theyre IDENTICAL TWINS and nathan looks at himself in the mirror sometimes and he just sees crystal. or... what COULD have been crystal. if only she had the opportunity to grow up.
candy pop and nathan are bestfriends, but also, candy pop watched him grow up to be the person he is today. their bond is as familial as it is friendly. i imagine nathan has a difficult time, at first, coming to terms with candy pop helping him. nathan wants to be independent, not rely on the help of a stupid fairy. but he js can't deny the fact candy pop has gotten him through so much.
nathan's emotions sometimes get the better of him, and he regrets it later on. he thinks he can just take it out on candy pop sometimes since candy pop is sort of a doormat, and really just wants to be there for nathan.
ive been imagining the nathan and candy pop argument scene to go like this but im too lazy to write it at the moment, so here's a skeleton of it:
candy pop comes to his Really Shitty Abandoned Home and nathan's mad or smth and candy pop's like "hi ^_^ here's some food" But then nathan verbally attacks him asking him "why do you keep coming back???" "why do you treat me as if i'm weak???" "i don't need your fucking help jester" and then candy pop's like "wha! wait... calm down :o" and nathan laughs at him (he RARELY ever smiles or laughs)
hes like "yeah. okay. okay fine i'm calm then i'm calm" and then he punches candy pop and candy pop reacts by taking a step back and then nathan tries to choke him out, going on about how he wants candy pop to LEAVE and never fucking come back but candy pop kicks him off and pulls out his hammer
candy pops reaction is out of instinct . but as he looks out, nathans on the floor and hes just breaking down, yelling at candy pop and telling him to just fucking kill him already because theres no point to living anymore. But Candy Pop can't do it. so he just Lowers the hammer and tells nathan that there IS a point to living. he reminds nathan of his sister. he reminds nathan of how far he's come, and how things will get better, if only he puts in the effort. and then he's like "I will never come back here ever again." <- leaving on his own terms
he thanks nathan for being his friend... gives him some more words of encouragement... but when candy pop leaves and nathan is getting his shit tgthr hes constantly muttering to himself about how candy pop wasnt a friend and how he actually hated his dumbass fairy guts... (he's lying to himself) (he's coping)
afterwards, nathan grows up on his own. he's living in scotland at this point and he meets ciara :) they're together only for... three years? they train together, talk together, and they fall deeply in love hehe... that's until nathan has to relocate because he got a job as an assassin and couldn't stay in one place for too long. they're still keeping in contact with each other. long distance style relationship, although ciara is super bitter about it... so's nathan but at that moment it's for the better.
when candy pop and nathan reunite it's when nathan moved to london. nathan spots candy pop first, initiates an interaction. apologises. updates him on his life and just thanks candy pop. hes like "sorry i wouldnt have been alive without your help ;-; i missed you—" "YOU MISSED MEEEE?!?!?!" "WHAT" and then candy pop hugs him and all is forgiven because that's his child Right there. ALSO NATHAN TELLS HIM ABT CIARA HES LIKE "yeah theres this really hot girl who was talking about a blue jester tha killed her brother pretty sure thats u" "OH!"
(I FORGOT TO MENTION CANDY POP ACCIDENTALLY KILLED KIRAN IN MY AU LOL) (more on that in another post)
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welcometogrouchland · 2 years ago
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i didnt come up with this headcanon ive just seen it around a bit (but not enough!!) which is that because he is part stonesleeper hunter is also weak to ear scritches lol
THIS??? GOOD SHIT RIGHT HERE!
I've always been a fan of the more subtle grimwalker biology headcanons like. Their eyes look slightly weird in photos/at night, their heartbeats are really subtle to the point of being inaudible, their skin is a bit duller and greyer than the average witch, etc. Small things that are Off, but not noticable.
There's so many options for How this revelation could come about and all of them are of equal hilarity to me. On the one hand, Luz knows about the stonesleepers ticklish spot, and is one of the most touchy feely in the cast w/ a curious personality. She is a PRIME candidate for unlocking the Hunter ticklish spot. Realistically it's Luz.
BUT if I were to be indulgent, then I'd also like to put forth Darius- (he's so used to giving Eberwolf affectionate ear scritches that once him and hunter have acclimated past the awkward phase of their relationship, he does it unconsciously one day, leading to the discovery)
-and Willow (that's his GF and she has special Hunter cuddle rights that few others have (HC hunter is VERY awkward about PDA but when he's alone w/ willow he's an absolute touch starved cuddlebug) and thus she is the only one who could have her hand in as weird of a place as the back of Hunters ear without him completely seizing up and going into fight or flight mode).
Either way once this fact is discovered Hunter will never know peace. Everyone he allows to be affectionate with him (Luz, Camilla, Gus, Amity and Eda after a time, King, etc) is gonna get their hands behind his poor, vulnerable little ears. It's just so surprising to people when they first hear it. Hunter?? Really??? He's got a ticklish spot like a big puppy????
And tbh it was a suprise to Hunter too! Nobody had ever been affectionate enough with him to discover this before </3
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batemanofficial · 3 months ago
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time for everybody's favorite game: jaime waxes poetic about whether or not im transgender
so im less concerned with labels now that im a little older than i have been in the past but this shit is so confusing dawg. i always say that if i had been born ten years later i would have transitioned because i spent the first six or so years of my life believing wholeheartedly that i was a boy. but i eventually just kind of had to cave to the expectations that were set for me (interpersonally, at church, within my family, etc), and had a very very hardcore "not like other girls" phase to cope with that. when i got to high school i kinda gave that up and got really into makeup and fashion to try to make femininity "my own," and i still enjoy both of those things today but it's always felt very costume-y to me. like i don't wear makeup to feel like a "better version of myself" (to use substance parlance), i wear it to play dress up. to be something that *isnt* me. its me but its not. its caricature. its pastiche. i very rarely dress up in a way that isn't some kind of like. reference or something. maybe that's not the right word but my outward appearance is very intentionally constructed and not necessarily representative of the consciousness inside. dgmw dressing eclectically is very much a part of my personality and something that i enjoy doing, but it's performance at the end of the day.
but to switch gears a little i don't know if i want to be a man per se either. like ive never felt like a woman but idk about calling myself a man either. like my lesbianism is a huge part of my identity and i don't want to give that up for the sake of ideological cohesiveness. hang on sorry i just realized im describing the plot of stone butch blues. carry on.
but anyway i definitely want the respect that men are afforded both just in general and within my industry specifically (being a woman in a professional kitchen sucksssssss sometimes) but on the flip side would that be worth all the fuss? and idk about testosterone and all that bc i don't want to deal with the side effects quite honestly. but at the same time i hate being looked at as a "woman" and ogled and harassed and all that jazz. if i had it my way i'd be 6'2 and have no tits but alas i am on the surface a conventionally attractive skinny white woman. and i hate that. it disgusts me like genuinely. i know that makes me sound like a total cunt and like im fishing for compliments but im not. maybe im just too substance pilled but i feel like meat when im reminded of what i look like.
i think part of the disconnect im feeling comes from the fact that im intersex (turner syndrome nation rise) and i have all the indicators of womanhood but still other things about my body that point the other way. and identifying as nonbinary feels the most coherent to me but it just comes with so much societal baggage that it's just not worth it to me. like i HATE being they/themmed bc it feels like a pc way to say "what the fuck are you" and "you're just a girl who wants to be quirky." and obv i don't believe those things abt nonbinary people but i feel like that's what the current sentiment is from most people on the street.
ughhhhh anyway. i saw this image and it really made me think. like this is objectively silly but this is exactly how i feel.
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but anyway it's 1:15 in the morning and my phone's about to die so i should go to bed BUT if you have any words of wisdom please feel free to share because i am in truth extremely jealous of the self actualization my trans friends and those on hrt have bc i am a pussy who hates going to the doctor and can't get out of their own head enough to decide if they even want that. but i think i might. if you read this far im sorry for the word vomit but thank you for reading anyway. mwah y buenas noches
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hiii so i put in a request for the matching thing but you didn’t respond to it so im guessing i didn’t put enough info which i completey understand!!! very sorry about that, i hope ur still doing these requests if not i deeply apologize. anyway pls take ur time so so sorry!!
i’d also like to be matched with someone in pjo pls!
personal info ? 15 yrs old, i’m a girl, she/her(truly idc), bisexual, half mexican (white dad…)
physical: i have medium length wavy brown hair with grown out bangs, im 5’4 average weight, pretty tan, brown eyes, silver circle glasses, i wear smudgy eyeliner w/mascara, i either wear tank tops with big pants or big t shirt with shorts
personality: i’m honestly very weird with the people im close with, like very. i have brainrot humor so im always saying weird ass shit acting like it’s normal. i’m also very sarcastic and if im not very close with someone i give them like 0 reaction i guess? idk ppl tell me im nonchalant but that sounds rlly corny 😬 anyway im very embarrassing in public when im with my friends and they hate it but i think its funny idc!! im also pretty moody but im just a teenage girl!!!!!!! i dont get mad that easily tho like i can take a joke i just get ANNOYED easily but then ill be fine in a few minutes. also ppl tell me im very funny so 😇 meat riding myself YES IM A NO SABO KID I AM TRYING TO LEARN SOANISH.
hobbies/intrests: love love love listening to music, love tv girl, tyler, mitski, arctic monkeys, the smiths, depeche mode, the cure, lana, tame impala, beabadoobee and so many other generes and artists but i only know like 2 songs 😬
i also had a severe fnaf phase, avatar the last airbender, spiderverse, saiki, and obvi percy jackson
currently OBSESSED with slushy noobz they are my whole personality they are how i act. along with avascreams on tiktok ive literally had 6 different ppl tell me “you know that one girl on tiktok?? you act just like her” IM TRILY NOT EVEN TRYING TO ACT LIKE HER I SWEAR. also love sam and colby i full heartedly believe in ghosts just watch ima become a ghost hunter 😊😊
as of right now my hobbies are playing stardew valley and never getting my homework done, i also love to draw but im not very good at it. i also love painting but i haven’t done it in a while bc of school :(( i take piano lessons as well but again, not very good even after 5 years. i rlly like reading too but again bc of school i haven’t read as much lately, love playing with my pets (dog and cat) they’re so cute i love animals so so much i want more but yknow im busy, ive also gotten into working out bc im tryna lose this face fat🫥
likes: love carnival rides!!!! they’re so fun i love the fair SO MUCH. beautiful atmosphere truly. the zipper is so fun don’t let anyone lie to you. nature, i love going on walks in the woods but i can’t bc i don’t live near any😔 food i love food, korean, mexican, american, japanese, i love it all. english class! teacher is so sweet i love her and its also easy and boring so
dislikes: six flags. i hate roller coasters. annoying ppl like bruh stfu up OH MY GOD. when my mom asks me about college, leave me alone pls!
okay i truly don’t know what else to put i hope this was enough 😓😓
-faith 👐
Hey Faith, I am so so sorry that this took incredibly long to complete. I’ve been insanely busy these few months and lots of personal stuff going on so I really hope that this does it justice! And also also don’t be sorry I’m really sorry that this took so long
Your PJO ship: Leo Valdez 🔥🔥🔥 (man I’m jealous)
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Explanation: honestly the best way I can explain this is that you’re crazy totally matches his crazy. Your freak matches his freak. is somebody gonna match my freak? Yes, someone will match your freak and that person is Leo. Starting off with your physical appearance, I think that he would be very attracted to you and I think you give a vague match of his mom like I feel like you look like his mom a little little bit, which is what kind of drew him to you in the first place I feel like he probably saw you in a crowd and his jaw dropped. He just thought that you were your clothing style. He also liked your eyeliner which he had you do on him whenever you guys got comfortable enough in the relationship he was like hey can I please have your make up routine done on me? He looked rlly hot but anyway- you guys are just so chaotic together with your personality like you match him so well I feel like Leo in order to make a relationship work with him. He needs to have someone that’s either vastly different than him or the same because I mean, I just see you guys as Deadpool and Vanessa, you guys so chaotic in public you guys would do so much embarrassing shit together and social anxiety would be afraid of both of you combined, a deadly duo. Whenever you were first getting to know each other, and you were more relaxed and chill around him less if you’re crazy with showing, that’s what kind of Drew him like he thought that your dynamic could be that you would kind of be more opposites, but then he slowly realize that you were just as fucking goofy and silly as him, and he would have a blast with you as you guys got further on into your even like just friendship that eventually turn into romance. You guys always have the funniest times together like I’m not joking. You guys would be the couple to go out with if you wanted a good time because you guys just yeah you’re chaotic and glorious and also really freaking funny and I mean yeah. (I would also like to let you know to do a deeper dive into your personality. I did research some of the people you mentioned that you were compared to and watched some of their videos and subjected myself to the painful amount of puns and batshit crazy, honestly I’m pretty impressed if people are comparing you) as for your hobbies, he would love playing Stardew Valley and I feel like he would romance. Sebastian don’t ask me why, but I just feel like he would. He would totally want Sebastian as I don’t know why OK I really don’t. I really don’t but anyway that’s just my personal theory. But he would love playing Stardew with you. He’s also a procrastinator when it comes to homework and work and taking things seriously in general so you guys would be quite the interesting duo and I feel like U2 would just end up making out during study date so if you want someone to study with? He’s probably not the best person. Also, I think that he would love your art and would be absolutely obsessed. If you ever did any artwork of him or just inspired by him like he would love that he would frame that shit he would brag to everyone about how good you are and same goes with piano he’s obsessed even if you think you weren’t very good after five years of playing he thinks you’re magnificent. It took everything in him to not compare you to Apollo because he knew that that would probably get you like blasted into the sky or something, but he just thinks anything that comes from you is good basically. That’s Leo Math.
You + Anything= Good.
He can never read very much because of his ADHD. I just feel like he would lose interest in books really easily unless they’re really exciting or exactly what he’s being into at this point, so I feel like he would get the being too busy to read. He also loves animals. He would absolutely snuggle all the pets in the world. I feel like he just loves animals. I feel like he especially loves dogs because they match his energy and he’s definitely like a golden retriever guy or maybe a Chihuahua guy one of them anyway dogs are very Leo core. Also, he thinks your chubby face is cute, and while he promotes working out for the healthiness of it, he thinks you have the wrong motivation if you want to get rid of that cute squeezable cheeks. (Multiple cheeks if ykwim) he also loves carnival rides and he’s a huge foodie so if you ever went out to him, you guys would end up eating more than your stomachs and belts can handle I mean yeah you guys would just be done if you ever went out to eat because he would order so much food and then I feel like because of his ADHD he’d be midway eating through another thing and then see other stand and be like babe. We gotta go there next. basically you guys would be extremely full. He also likes nature walks. I think that he kind of just likes the dirt of it because he’s definitely not afraid to get dirty and he loves just poking around nature I mean, I honestly that’s how I see him going on hikes like he’d pick up slugs, he do all kinds of like gross stuff. People normally wouldn’t do like I don’t know, letting a worm crawl on his arm or something.  anyway you guys totally match each other crazy and match each other’s freak yes just like the song, and I really ship it 💕💓💗💞💗💞
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sugaredrhubarb · 1 year ago
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15 questions, 15 mutuals
tagged by @woodswit 💌
whose blog ive been lurking on for a bit now and whose book is near the top of my tbr so i will hopefully get to talk about soon!
1. are you named after anyone?
first name not really (tis a common noun so kinda?), but middle name is feminized version of my mum's dad
2. when was the last time you cried?
the other day from a book i think?
out of the crying everyday phase now that we're a couple weeks out from breakup so thats a yay
3. do you have kids?
i'm pretty young so no. but, i have always wanted them (got called maternal from a very young age, we don't have to talk about what that did to my psyche)
4. what sports do you play/have played?
did very minimal karate, ballet, gymnastics as a kid and then played soccer into highschool until i was too concussed <3
5. do you use sarcasm?
actually something im trying to lean on less - i try to be a kind person and find i lean on sarcasm as a defense mechanism even when its not how i want to be interacting with people
6. what's the first thing you notice about people?
probably something cliché like eyes but also the energy they are giving off and if they have humour about them, if that makes sense? not sure how to explain it other than some people are just heavier or lighter beings
7. what’s your eye colour?
dark brown, i used to not really like them but got this insane text from a guy friend™️ once so there's that
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8. scary movies or happy endings?
firmly happy endings, im an absolute p*ssy with a pension for nightmares so keep scary shit away from me
9. any talents?
I'm a good talker, always could improv a speech or articulate my point well which has come in pretty handy in academic writing
i also can solo the shit out of a canoe so
10. where were you born?
born and raised in the same canadian city
i like to leave breadcrumbs of mystery
11. what are your hobbies?
reading and talking about books generally, watch quite a few sports with varying degrees of intensity (love hockey but have had a harder time with it over the past few years with how bad the culture is), a lot of time looking at/talking about politics but thats also my degree
also not sure if it counts but i really do love being a part of fandom/internet spaces
12. do you have any pets?
a family dog back home with my parents!
13. how tall are you?
about 5'9 which i think is pretty tall and i am very self conscious about
14. favourite subject in school?
oo it shifted a lot over time. i loved math early on because i picked it up really easily but that was a really hard subject to maintain when i was in and out of school for health reasons. so it moved to the humanities/lib arts
always enjoyed english and I'm a Politics, Philosophy, and Economics(bleh) major so do with that information what you will
15. dream job?
aha thinking about the future is terrifying. i'd really like to teach in the polisci field just because i have so many thoughts about the importance of education there but every now and then i consider being a librarian
or the younger wife of a rich man who wants to give me his money for books and philanthropy would work too
absolutely zero pressure tags of those i love and/or would love to get to know better: @chai-isms @ceilidho @ohbo-ohno @heatherdewhoney @ghosts-cyphera @winterrose527 @thegoodbutter @bluemoonjeans
and anyone else who would like to but im shy and terrified of annoying people (ill bring it up to my therapist)
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spacedhead · 1 year ago
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HOMESTUCK REREAD #17: END OF HOMESTUCK (act 6 act 6 act 6 and act 7)
this is it!!!!!! this is the end of homestuck!!!
the song setting the scene for all of these battles that are about to take place concurrently is called creata, and it has leitmotifs from MANY songs in homestuck, as do all of the songs in this 18 minute sequence! also check out this fortnite squad....
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the second song is called oppa toby style... oh man this is gonna be sick.
GOD LOOK HOW STRONG SHE IS SHES BEATING UP FOUR OF THEM EFFORTLESSLY
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roxy my son is fighting so hard actual goat of this section btw no cap you will see later
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of course this part is.... not as important but still certainly something i suppose.. karkat and jake are giving it their all as the weakest members of the squad
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here come the striders and terezi!!! they are about to mix the shit out of these jacks
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side note but not really its kind of crazy how owned dirk gets in this fight he dies like three different times and is saved by dave terezi and jane a bunch . talk about an unlucky break
meanwhile jade is struggling with her dog friends/ enemies and caliborn is fighting his denizen yaldabaoth ( wrdgaf). also vriska is fighting hussie? (WRDGAFX2)
okay so caliborn beat his denizens ass. so called strongest denizen is weaker than caliborn who was beaten by john fucking egbert.
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anyway the current song is eternity served cold but only the second half.. its very good. variation on johns theme for a bit, then into lord english theme.
ive always loved this shot
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davepeta makes an undertale reference.... which i guess was topical at the time. my undertale phase is long gone though. so . cool reference anyway !
last song. heir of grief is starting. VERY good song. love this shit!!! pic of one of the squads... theyre getting roughed up
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oh my god... the four original kids and the pictures of their houses from the beginning of the story really reminds me how far they have come... ive been reading this shit only for a few weeks but man it feels like it really has been such a long time since things were that simple.
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cool ass shot of these guys
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oh no!!! theyre getting fucked UP dude shes beating their ass... but who is that back there...?
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to be honest. i am not sure what jade was trying to accomplish in this sequence. she seems to just be teleporting her and the dogs around.... like to get them to stop fighting maybe? idrk but either way they kinda just fight anyway. or at least PM does
i think this moment of dave chopping dirks head off is not really significant for dave as much as it is for dirk. he finally relinquished control for once!
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anyway, PM FINALLY gets jacks ring off, and now he is no longer a threat. its been so long. wow . goat much?
roxy being the one to finish the condesce is deserved. great job. my goat. props to all of these crazy kids they fucking did it they won!!! holy shit good fuckin job!! but we arent quite done yet.
this is beautiful art that is the rest of the comic basically until act 7. i just love these panels so much. one of them has actually been my background for about a year and a half!
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its this one . i really love this one it shows so many of my children look at them all god im so proud of them they did it.... YES!!!! i knew this would happen but im still so happy for them.
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look!!! the mayor and pm reunited once again. its been since before cascade since they saw each other last! and serenity too!!
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this one is a real standout as well... so good i love all of them. am i repeating myself? surely not.
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:))))
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it is time for act 7. the finale of homestuck, essentially. it has been a long and winding road.... only a little left to go :)
LOOK AT JOGN EGBERT I WANT HIM TOBE HAPYP FOR ALL ETERNAL
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a lot of this animation shows the new universe being formed, like the tadpole turning into the frog and stuff. it is very cool, and visually stunning to be honest, but i like to focus more on the characters with my limited images per post. but trust me, act 7 is very beautiful the whole way through :D
LOOK AT MY CHILDREN IN STUNNING HD QUALITY
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THE LOT OF THEM. I SIRED THEM ALL? INCREDIBLE
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do you see how fucking beautiful these kids are and how much they mean to me. i would do anything for them
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holy shit vriska is serving like crazy here. i mean they all are but... okayyy vriska
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look at these two. leaders of their sessions. coming together. finishing. it all makes me tear up a little i wont lie. also this music called overture is fucking beautiful.
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oh man okay yeah. i am really misty eyed here. this never happened before?? god i fucking love this story
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IM GONNA START CRYING DUDE FUCK
well here it is. first view of the idyllic earth c. they did it. they won . they created their universe and they got to live in it
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heres one last squad shot of them all being goated and fucking awesome maybe? ever think of that
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it started with him and ended with him. my son john egbert i love you so much
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okay. its actually over. it feels weird to say but i have indeed completed homestuck yet again. this time was maybe my favorite reading of it other than probably the first time. maybe it was cause of the blogging it? i did genuinely love blogging my thoughts about it. even if no one is paying too much attention, its cool to get it out there :D
overall thoughts? the first part is a little slow to get going, but once it does get going, it's so fun and just a blast to read. things are incredible up until right after cascade where it slows down a lot. which i get. introducing a ton of new characters and essentially a new main villain into the plot can be a lot. i would say that the first half of act 6 is like... a definite decrease in quality? but it starts picking up again when they actually arrive in the new session. and me personally, ive always loved the ending. i know some people were like oh they just win and their plan goes smoothly. like, yeah i get that, but also things did NOT go smoothly when game over happened, and that was definitely the everything goes wrong moment. everything after that is cool and fun and very entertaining to read. i just love this story guys i love it so much there is a reason why it is my favorite piece of fiction and why i constantly come back to it . it is just so good i love the characters i love the concepts the plot is sprawling and self referential and just plain cool . of course it has flaws, namely its villains are a little weak. sometimes i love villains who are just plain evil but sometimes in a story like this i may have preferred a villain who has a little more motive than just being evil and wanting to destroy and kill things... but its alright. the heroes were the main focus anyway, so its not like it ruins the story or anything. i think homestuck goes from an ironic shit post story that makes you feel like an ass for reading it to a heartfelt tale of empathy and self improvement and self actualization. its characters go from asshole kids to pretty good adults. and you can see the writing grow up too. its honestly great and if you know me you probably already know lots of bits and pieces about it and/or i made you read it. but if you dont you should give it a shot. it has NOT aged well i will say but if you can manage to ignore the usage of slurs and probably other bad things i can honestly say it ends as a story about growth and acceptance of the self and others. that is all.......
thanks for reading this to all my friends i had tons of fun
p.s
im reading the epilogues. FUCK
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