#I have had people tell me to my face that just because abortion is illegal in my country | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

salemwritesxx · 3 years ago

Text

𝓽𝓼𝓾𝓫𝓪𝓼𝓪.

𝕋 𝕒 𝕜 𝕒 𝕞 𝕚 𝕂 𝕖 𝕚 𝕘 𝕠 | ℍ 𝕒 𝕨 𝕜 𝕤

⇴ male reader [25, Vigilantes, quirkless] ⇴ all characters are depicted as [18]+

↳ request: Add on to the ask my bad! {Vigilante reader instead of hero-: When hawks found out he was expecting a baby he immediately kept it a secret from the reader and his friends. Since he doesn't want the hero commission/the public to catch wind of it cause it'll put both of their lives at risk also the public wouldn't be happy to know that their hero is in a relationship with someone who isn't a female- {{Angst!- The hero commission isn't supportive of hawks love life and unborn child_ if they found out about it, they'll probably blackmail the reader into doing their dirty work in exchange for hawks life.) But,, he soon tells the reader after being confronted about his change of behavior and appearance. About 3-4 months into the pregnancy. Time skip to where the kid is born- happy ending🤙🏾

↣ rating: general audiences ↣ warnings: mpreg, size / height difference, lil’ bit of angst with happy ending, discussion of abortion

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

“No… No, no, no. Fuck!”, he cursed quietly.

Staring in disbelief at the little plastic strip, he put it besides two others. All three of them were positive. There was no doubt. Hawks was… pregnant.

Falling back onto the closed toilet seat, he sighed deeply as tears welled up in his eyes. Keigo wasn’t one to cry easily, but right now everything broke apart. How would everyone react? How would the HPSC react? How would you react? Right now, it seemed like his past was catching up to him, what if everything turned out the same? What if history repeated itself? Would his unborn child have to endure so much as well? Wouldn’t it be better, if it was never born-

“Keigo?”, your voice made him snap out of his dark thoughts.

“[Your.name]?”, hastily wiping his tears and pushing the pregnancy tests into the trash, he tried his best to sound calm.

“So you’re here! I was worried, Kei! You ignored my calls.”, when he came out, you stood there leaning against the wall, a worried expression on your face.

“Ah, no. I was just busy, you know? HPSC needed me again today.”, Kei tried his best to lie and put on his best fake smile.

But you still found it suspicious.

“Are you okay, Baby?”, taking a step towards him, your big hand cupped his cheek and your thumb gently wiped over his red, swollen undereye.

Had he been crying? Keigo? That’s rare.

“I am fine, [Your.name], I am fine. What about you though?”, he kept smiling when he pushed away your hand and walked past you into the kitchen.

“I haven’t heard from you in a while, too, ya know?”

“Ah…”, was the only sound you made as you shyly scratched your neck.

“That’s true. I’m sorry if I worried you, Kei. It’s just… I had to hide for a few days. The police were especially pesky and I couldn’t risk being caught.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.”, he waved aside, “It’s not like I was worried. I know you can handle yourself just fine.”

This was the last thing you thought you would hear from him, leaving you confused and maybe a little… hurt? Sure, you chose to be a Vigilantes and go out at night to take care of some things your own, but to think your boyfriend wasn’t even worried about you while doing so? Maybe he really did despise what you did and he just never said so out loud. Until now, he had never commented on the illegal things you did, because ultimately, you never destroyed anything and just helped the less unfortunate people, but maybe…

After all, you worried about him constantly and he was a licensed pro-hero, still – many things could happen. Like that, you had a weird feeling that Hawks was not fine at all despite him claiming he was.

And while normally, your little reunion would have been much different, Kei just couldn’t think about anything at that point. All he was thinking about was the baby growing inside of him and what he should do about it…

As weeks went by, you noticed Hawks was changing. His excuse of being “bloated” was weird and got old quickly. Furthermore had your relationship taken a big hit. Few kisses and almost no touching. It almost seemed like he was uncomfortable constantly. You wondered what it all was about. Was it just over? Did your relationship just slip right through your fingers and you couldn’t do anything about it?

Usually, when you were both home, the apartment was filled with dumb laughter. It was so nice being around you, but all Keigo was in the past few weeks was anxious, quiet and easily agitated. His home was his safe place, it’s where he could forget everything and relax. Not think about his work, about the HPSC, but with your child growing consistently, it was harder and harder to relax. In just a few weeks, someone who had a keen eye could probably tell that he wasn’t “bloated” anymore. Instead, he didn’t know what to do anymore.

Then, one day, it must have been around the fourth month of his pregnancy, someone rang the doorbell in the middle of the night. First, Keigo wanted to ignore it, however, as they kept ringing, a thought popped into his head. He hadn’t seen you in about a week, which wasn’t unusual per se as you had to hide from time to time, but for you to not contact him at all was a little… odd. Were you in trouble? Did they find about your connection to him?

Hence, with his own feather in his hand, he was ready to defend himself as he made his way to the door. The rain was drumming against the windows mercilessly. Perfect distraction if someone wanted to raid him.

Though, when he swung open the door, ready to cut anyone and anything, it all came differently. A large body was leaning against the side of the door.

“[Your.name]!”, his golden eyes widened as your own [eye.color] ones looked quite lifeless.

Before Hawks could do anything, you couldn’t hold yourself upright anymore, thus falling through the opened door. Quickly reacting, he caught you, but being so much smaller than you, his feathers had to help lift you and get you inside his apartment. Only then, when he pulled his hands back did he realize what was on his hands and what he had thought to be water, was actually blood.

His heart dropped into the pit of his stomach. Rushing to your side, he literally ripped open your black coat and what was underneath, revealing a gaping wound on your side.

“Kei…”, you suddenly croaked, trying to reach out your hand, which he immediately grabbed and squeezed tightly.

“Don’t talk, [Your.name]! Everything will be alright, okay?!”, he visibly panicked.

He could hide his feelings very well. At least usually. But not this time. Maybe it was because he was hormonal due to the pregnancy, but just the thought of losing you made him cry. Hastily standing back up, he rushed into the bathroom to grab some towels and into the bedroom to get his phone.

“I… I didn’t know… where else to go… Kei…”, you coughed up a bit of blood, even though he had told you to not talk anymore.

“I know, I know. It’s okay, Baby.”, hugging you against his chest, all he could do was sob, “Everything will be alright, okay?!”

With a thumping heart, Hawks stood in front of the door for a few moments, before he knocked and entered eventually.

“Oh! Kei!”, you were just eating your pudding.

“[Your.name]!”, without holding back, he rushed towards your bed and jumped you.

However, hearing your painful whimper due to the ecstatic hug, he immediately pulled back with a small “I’m sorry.”

You, however, just shook your head and put the pudding and spoon away before gesturing him to come closer again.

“No, it’s okay, come here.”, you said with a soft smile as you pulled him in again.

Keigo just following your movement, scooching closer and in the end, hugging you again when you wrapped your own bandaged arms around him. You were so much more beat up than he initially thought…

“Thank you for saving me, Baby. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“You did!”, sitting back up, his golden eyes were shimmering, “I was so worried about you.”

“Ehh? Didn’t you say you weren’t worried about me a few months ago?”, you just teased him, but Keigo was hormonal and highly stressed, so he reacted way too violently when tears welled up in his eyes.

“I know… But you know I like to talk big sometimes.”, he sniffled.

Quickly, you reached out to softly cup his face and wipe away the tears.

“I know. Hey… Kei. Tell me what’s going on, hm?”

“Huh?”, his golden eyes widened a bit as he stared at you.

“Baby… I know something’s going on. Things haven’t been normal lately and you act different, too. Tell me, if it’s something I did, I can change. I will do anything, but please be honest with me already… Last night, I thought, that’s it. I thought I’d die with things being so weird between us. It was horrible to think about it…”

Looking around for a moment, you were the only one in this room and even if it wasn’t the best location to finally say it out loud, Keigo just couldn’t continue to lie. He had wanted to get an abortion three times and canceled every time because he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Clearly, he wanted this baby. And he wanted you to know, it was just all so… complicated.

“Kei…”, you squeezed his hand one more time.

“Okay…”, sitting down on the bed properly, his other hand reached out as well, needing every bit of comfort and support he could get.

“I…”, biting his lip, he hesitated for a moment before looking up and straight into your eyes, “I am pregnant.”

Your eyes widened and for a second, you just stared at him in disbelief.

“Wait… you…? Really?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh my God… that explains a lot.”, you kind of laughed while shaking your head, but then you realized something.

“Wait… How long...?”

“17th week… Do you not understand, [Your.name]? I am pregnant.”

“Yes, I understand quite well and I think that’s amazing.”, you squeezed his hands again, a big smile on your lips.

“No, no! You don’t get it, [Your.name]!”, Hawks then suddenly stood up, “This is not amazing. Do you know what that means?”, he sighed and rubbed his eyes.

“Kei…”

“We are fucked, [Your.name]. Do you know what happens when the HPSC or the public finds out? Let alone who the father is? What if… What if our baby has to endure everything I had to endure? What if… I become like them? Or what if the HPSC finds out and takes them away from us?”, his voice broke a little at the end, just imagining it…

“Keigo, hey.”, you turned around and placed your feet onto the ground, sitting on the edge of the bed, hence why you could take his hands again and pull him closer.

“You will never become like them.”, you cupped his face, gently wiping the tears away from the corner of his eyes.

“And, Kei, you already made a decision, no? You want to keep the baby – our baby – right? It’s already the fourth month…”

“I do… But… I don’t know what I should do. I am not myself, [Your.name]. I keep crying over stupid things, I can't concentrate when I’m doing my work and I am always scared someone finds out.”, eventually, you pulled him onto your lap, though he was careful not to hurt your side.

“I know you’re scared, Baby. I am too, but we can do it. Together. I will be with you every step. I will protect you.”

“[Your.name]…”, wrapping his arms around you, he buried his face in the nook of your neck, his small frame shaking.

“It’s okay. I’m here, Kei. And I won’t go, ever. We will do it together. And I promise… I promise I will stop going out during the night.”, you whispered this promise into his ear, earning his small sniffles as he clung to you.

“Our baby doesn’t have to grow up in isolation because of my recklessness. I will become a good father. They will have a great life, okay, Kei? We can do it. Whatever the HPSC throws at us, we will deal with it, together. I promise they won’t grow up like you had to.”

The last thing surely broke him as Hawks barely whispered a “Mhm.” back. But at the same time he was smiling, so grateful he was finally able to let you know as the last few months were really straining.

---

“I wish you were never born! You are a nuisance! You keep me from being free!”

“Why did I not get an abortion? Why did I do this to myself? You good for nothing!”

“-go! -igo! Keigo!”, his golden eyes opened at last.

Breathing heavily and with beads of sweat running down his temple, Hawks stared at you for a moment. Still not really sure what just happened the realization sank in little by little. A dream.

“[Your.name]…”

“Hey, I’m here. It’s okay now.”, you whispered and gently kissed him, before hugging him tightly.

Melting into your arms instantly, he buried his face at your chest as one hand reached down to his growing belly. He would probably pop soon.

“It’s weird… I haven’t thought or dreamt about them in over ten years and now… ever since I found out I’m pregnant… I …”, he mumbled more than anything, glad you were there to hold him.

“I know.”, was the only thing you whispered back while gently caressing his back.

When the HPSC trained him, he forgot, or rather suppressed most of his abusive and traumatic childhood. Maybe it was because he worried so much about your little baby that it all came crashing down on him eventually. But he would never become like them.

“Oh-“, both of you felt a little kick, making you giggle.

“Seems like our little baby girl wants to cheer you up as well.”, you whispered and nuzzled his head with your own while your hand reached out to his belly as well, softly caressing it.

“Seems like it.”, Keigo finally smiled a little.

“We will protect her.”, he quietly said after stealing a soft kiss from you.

“We will. And hey, the public took it really well when we outed us. The HPSC can’t do shit to hurt us anymore.”

“Yeah, I know. Thank God.”, cupping your cheek, Kei pulled you down again, before whispering against your lips, “Thank you.”

“Mhmh, for what?”, you chuckled and kissed him again, making him also giggle.

“Just… for everything. I love you, [Your.name].”

Smiling softly at him, you pecked his lips again and whispered an, “I love you too.”

For a few moments, it was quiet as you just cuddled and tried to calm down the excited little girl who was kicking and punching Hawks.

“Say… how do you feel, though? You haven’t been out in-“, but another kiss stopped him from continuing.

“I am perfectly fine, Shortcake. It… was hard, but it was the right decision. You are more important than anything or anyone else, and now with our little nugget growing… what we have is just so much more important to me than vigilante justice.”

The smile that spread across his face was truly warming your heart. It was the right decision and you wouldn’t regret it. You knew how hard his childhood was and you didn’t want that for your baby girl. She should be able to proudly say who her parents were and for that reason, you couldn’t continue your former lifestyle.

After sharing a few more kisses, Hawks then asked for cuddles, which you happily agreed to. Hence letting him shift positions and turn around, careful not to hit you with his wings, he hugged his pregnancy pillow. And then, you slipped your own arms around him, hugging him carefully and littering small kisses onto his neck.

He was so small in your arms, but that’s what he had loved from day one on. Keigo felt protected and loved when he was in your arms.

Calling out for you, Keigo carried the groceries into the kitchen, just to bite his lip instantly when he saw you laying on the sofa. Your little baby girl sprawled out on top of your broad chest, sleeping. Once Hawks came a little closer, he realized you were sleeping as well, thus with a soft smile he just kneeled down in front of the sofa.

“What would I do without you, [Your.name]? You two are seriously the light of my life.”, he thought with a big smile on his lips.

To think he was so incredibly sad when he found out, he couldn’t be more happier now. Everything turned out alright after all, just like you said. Leaning in, Hawks gently kissed his baby girl’s forehead before standing up again, leaving you and Tsubasa alone – at least that was his intention.

However, a soft tug on his clothes made him stop. And a glance back made him smile and turn once more, following your movement and laying down beside you, softly tucked under your arm, just where he belonged.

There were no words needed as you softly kissed him before your head fell back into the pillow. Your arm securely holding him and Tsubasa and just like that, you were able to hold the whole world in your arms.

And it certainly wasn’t any different for Keigo.

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

@salemwritesxx || do not repost, edit, modify or translate my works

⇻ salem.talks: I think I repeat myself every time I write for him but… KEIGO IS SO TINY ovo probably cuz I absolutely adore the EndHawk ship and their size difference gives me life? so I cannot help but make it happen when I write x reader with kei. like I can just dream of being as tall and buff as endeavor lmao but yeah this was nice I love preggo hawks!

#salemswriting.#hawks #takami keigo #hawks x reader #hawks x male reader #bnha x male reader #bottom hawks #pregnant hawks #mpreg #bnha x reader

378 notes · View notes

abagofrice · 2 years ago

Text

Initial thoughts and opinions on the overturning of Roe VS. Wade

Let me start by saying I'm pro-choice. If you want/need an abortion, I believe you should be able to get one. If an abortion isn't something you want, don't get one. I'm not here to tell you what to do, that's not my place. I'm here to share my initial thoughts after hearing about the overturning of Roe VS. Wade. Feel free to leave, feel free to disagree, feel free to agree.

My first thought is everyone's reason for abortion is different. Maybe a person was raped and doesn't want to carry a rapist's baby. Maybe a couple was practicing safe sex but still ended up with an accidental pregnancy. Maybe someone is too young or too afraid to go through the difficulties of carrying a child, and then facing the absolute agony of birth. Think of a parent who can't keep the baby but doesn't want to send it to foster care (assuming the child ever gets placed in a home, it could very well be an abusive home. The foster care system is overflowing already, and with this new law where abortions are becoming illegal, there will be more children in the system). Consider the newlywed couple who isn't financially stable enough to carry and birth a baby, much less raise a child. What about the teenagers who didn't know how to practice safe sex due to the poor sex education in most American states? What about the transgender men and the problems (both physically and mentally) this would cause for them? And the young girls just trying to get through their preteen and teenage years (which is hard enough as it is)? This is only a short list of some examples- my point being that there isn't a simple solution to avoid pregnancy thus avoiding a need for abortion. There is no simple solution because everyone is in a different stage in life, with different and perfectly valid reasons as to why carrying and birthing a child would not be good for them personally or for the baby they birthed.

My second thoughts are on women who vehemently oppose abortion. Do they not realize this goes beyond abortion? What has been proven today is how easy it is for (primarily) men in power to change laws and take away what we had thought to be our constitutional rights. Please remember (most if not all) of the people who made these laws see the world through a Christian worldview. (This is in no way meant to be an attack on Christians or anyone who chooses not to get an abortion for ethical or religious reasons.) Though not every Christian has the same exact opinions and beliefs when it comes to the Bible, a common belief is the superiority of (especially white) men in some way or another. No matter how you sugarcoat it, many of these people in power believe that cisgender white women are second place to men, and that we exist to serve them. (This is not dismissing women of color or transgender women, or anyone else who doesn't fit that category, this is simply an acknowledgement that women who don't fit under the category of white cisgender women have to deal with a lot more than said white cisgender women, and thus they typically get treated worse.) This means that Roe VS. Wade is only the start. What is their next goal? What else will they decide women don't have the right to? What else will be considered "unconstitutional" and therefore taken away from us? Where is the line? Regardless of your beliefs on abortion, it should be clear to see things are about to get MUCH worse for ALL women. There is a reason religious views should be left out of politics, and I was under the impression that reason was clear and understandable. I regret being so naive.

Another noteworthy thought is the whole "it's just a clump of cells" argument. I have not done extensive research into this, so please if I say anything wrong here, please correct me. It is never my intention to spread false information. According to what I've heard, the fetus is alive yes, but only about as alive as a plant. It is the sentiment of the host that defines whether it is a baby or not (up until a certain point of pregnancy at least.) What I mean by this is that I have seen people get upset over the phrasing "a clump of cells". The argument of these people usually is that the phrasing is cold. My belief is that it is only comes across as cold to them due to personal belief/experience. To a person who doesn't want the fetus, calling it a "clump of cells" is perfectly reasonable, because they have no sense of attachment to the fetus. They have no room in their life for it, have no plans or love for it. To them, it is easy to talk about it this sense. To someone wanting to keep the fetus/someone with personal memories or experiences pertaining to this subject, there is more sentiment involved. There is personal emotional involvement. In this person's mind, they are more so thinking of what the cells will grow and develop into. I'm not saying that there are only two sides to this, or that everyone has these opinions, I am simply trying to highlight that there are different perspectives to everything, and so not everyone is going to have the same idea on what constitutes as living. I'm also saying that in this situation, neither person is necessarily wrong, they just have different perspectives. I think that's something important to realize, because attacking each other is never going to get us anywhere. Understanding everyone's perspectives is an important aspect to problem solving (regardless of whether or not you have the same ideas). Progress can be made if people were willing to listen educate themselves.

I will definitely have more to say on this at a later time, but I just wanted to share some of my initial thoughts. All in all, I think people should get a choice in whether or not they put their body through something as significant as childbirth. I am deeply sorry if I have hurt someone or mislead anyone. Always fact check things you see and always take time to form your own opinion. I am always open to correction (though I do ask you be as respectful as you can please)! I hope you found something in here worth your time and if you made it this far, thank you for reading all of that. I'm not asking for validation or even agreement, just here to share some thoughts! <3 <3

#abortion is a human right #abortion ban #abortion #abortion rights #roe versus wade #bodily autonomy #womens rights #reproductive rights #roe vs wade #supreme court #congress #transgender men #teenagers #girly blog #females #low income #sad thoughts #injustice

3 notes · View notes

bular · 3 years ago

Text

Welcome to Live Commentary

I had no one to talk to while watching the movie and I hate being alone with my thoughts so I wrote everything down in my notes app. It's not coherent! Enjoy!

Aw yeah 1.5 seconds of Bular that is all I needed! Might as well stop now I've seen my boy I'm satisfied.

Why is there a nearly 4 minute recap as if I haven't watched the show at least 50 times. I should be the one giving the recap.

The beginning felt a bit forced to me but maybe that's just me? Like they just tried to squeeze too many things into a small timeframe without any buildup, it just didn't really work. Congrats on the engagement! This is my OTP so I'm very happy! But it came out of nowhere.

Nari in Douxies body is so wrong and I love it and hate it at the same time (positive)

Eli is BIG. I knew he was gonna be tall but I was not prepared for that chiseled face. Or the fact that he stepped off the ship without glasses? I wear glasses and I would not choose to step off a spaceship blind.

OkAY who had mpreg on their bingo card?

AAARRRGGHH actually said a full sentence 🥺 there is no heterosexual explanation for this scene and I'm here for it

Arcadia being the center of the universe really does make a lot of sense. I hate how much sense it makes. Despise it.

Strickler in a Christmas sweater is something i didn't know I needed. Jim's jacket too but that's just adorable, Jim's adorable. Oh sweet baby you're about to get fucked over so bad.

Love seeing Barbara actively participating in battle too. Good for her! Power family!!

Where are the kids tho? Is NotEnrique babysitting? Either that or they hired the girl from the Incredibles movie.

Nomura is so talented I love seeing her fighting on the good side. I can't explain it but I love digitigrade legs they're just so pretty?? Aesthetically pleasing??? Fuck yeah, legg! I could watch Nomura run around and be badass all day.

WAIT NO OH SHIT HOW DARE YOU FUCK

STRICKLER DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE NOT YOU TOO THAT'S TOO FUCKING RUDE DON'T DO THIS TO ME

THERE'S NO WAY HE'S DEAD RIGHT WE SAW NO BODY

Barbara does not deserve this I refuse to accept it. He's fine he'll be back they wouldn't kill two Changelings at once. Also Nomura is with Draal now I take no criticism.

So my favorite characters were Bular, Draal, Gunmar and Angor. And before this movie I always half-joked that everyone I love dies, how I still like Strickler and Nomura but apart from them all of my faves were killed in the very order of favoritism. AND NOW LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LOVE A CHARACTER. MY LOVE IS TOXIC.

OKAY I LOVE GUN RO- WAIT NO I DON'T LOVE HIM FUCK ABORT ABORT

It's great tho omg

I didn't realize it was Gun Robot when I saw it in the trailer this is amazing

Okay but imagine you're chilling in your trollmarket minding your own business when some misfit group of strangers waltzes in, steals your favorite shiny and celebrates your death before running off

"I AM GUN ROBOT" IS THE HORN LMAOOO

Nana better show up at some point to reunite with her boytoy, I'll cancel this entire franchise otherwise

Something bad is going to happen to Toby isn't it. He's getting too much screentime

Jim's hand got DEEP FRIED

ARCHIE NO

We can play Scrabble okay if they don't free them (which they must) I want an after credits scene of them playing scrabble

Douxie and Nari's bond 🥺🥺🥺

Nari pls just say what you fuckin mean the world is ending

Oh god is she going to remember killing Nomura oh nooo

Claire don't make the portal you will die again. Your hair gon be white all over

EVERYONE AVOIDING THE SCHOOL JUST RIGHT THERE LMAO RIP

I love how Darci is just with the school bus. Civilian girlfriend. But also love how the world is ending and Coach is like "fuck that I'm gonna teach these kids"

Does he know his son is pregnant

"Going back to the city where it's safe" buddy have you been to that city

Whatever happens, Nari has the coolest looking titan. Giant four legged gremlin. I'd adopt him.

WAIT SHE CAN FEEL THE PAIN?

Me: oh i love that titan

The titan 5 seconds later:

Did Nari just fucking die what the FUCK

Oh of COURSE the pages are stuck together RIGHT THERE

Seriously tho how do you not notice an entire nougat nummy in a book

Wait so Arcadia has another heartstone? Or OH SO IT'S ALIVE. OKAY GREAT. GUNMAR COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT HUH

Love how the Heartstone has been dormant/dead for months and apparently heard Blinky say it's alive and decided to wake up RIGHT THEN

Finally they're evacuating the city. This is like, the third apocalypse there. About time.

Okay so you can't pull Excalibur from the rock, but you CAN carve out the stone. Couldn't you just carve it off the sword as close as possible and like. Use that? Just swing the whole damn rock around?

God i can NOT get over Steve's pants. I mean I read a spoiler he was gonna be pregnant but I thought it was a prank or shitpost. I did not see this coming and I am never going to be over it. I love how he and Aja just roll with it and nobody else even cares. They've seen weirder stuff. So he's pregnant now. Whatever.

Jim's hand is bandaged and his ribs still hurt. I love that they're actually consistent with his injuries. I mean sucks for him but hell yeah for hero that doesn't always win!

Okayyy here comes the heartstone. Why not!

IS HE IN LABOR

So if you kiss an Akiridion 7 times you will have 3-5 babies in a few hours. How are they not overpopulated?? Also Aja couldn't have WARNED STEVE BEFOREHAND?

Eli is so supportive omfg

So uh where are the babies gonna come out of? I'm not into mpreg how does this usually work

OH STEVE THANKS FOR ASKING MY QUESTION

Oh good thing he happens to have 8 friends still alive. Otherwise this would've never worked. Nomura had to die otherwise there would've been 10 of them.

Why is everyone bowing to Jim? Did they rehearse this?

Stuart if you hadn't taken a bathroom break you would've thrown off the math and doomed the world. That was a poop of fate my man

Ahhh the signature quote. Where did Douxie and the Akiridions learn it? Did they rehearse this too? It's really cliché but I do like it tbh

If Strickler were dead we'd see more Barbara right?

WOOO BLINKY DRIVING

Ah Jim just used she/her for Bellroc! Finally we're learning some pronouns. I've been wondering this whole time.

MY VIRGIN EYES. WHAT IS GOING O N

How are they not dying with all this lava?

She really just yeeted Varvatos

Did Claire just tell AAARRRGGHH to jump off the titan and he did it without question

I want to say I like Stuart and want him to have more screentime, but I won't say it because I don't want him to die

Jim's poor ribs

Toby can drive yoooo

Tobyyy you're scaring meeeee

So did they really need the different stone or was the amulet just waiting for Jim to choose death over giving up

I saw the armor before but it looks VERY COOL

Also I didn't mention this before but I love that they cut Merlin's name from the incantation. Good for them.

Toby you lost your helmet noooo

For real tho I'm terrified for Toby rn. I saw a comment somewhere earlier that just said "Toby no" with no context and I am AFRAID

So do Bellroc's eyes work after all? I thought she was blinded back in Wizards in the past.

DID SHE JUST FUCKING STAB MY BOY

TOBY YOU SHOULD NOT BE THERE GET OUT THE TRUCK

Bellroc maybe screaming "i'm powerless" in front of your enemy isn't the best idea

She sploosh

DID JIM SURVIVE THAT FALL AND ALSO IS THE TACO TRUCK OKAY

How is he lifting Claire like that buddy you have bruised ribs and just got stabbed

ELI HI CAN WE SEE THE KIDS

SEVEN KIDS! AND ELI JR I LOVE IT

This show really loves to give people more than the recommended amount of babies with no warning huh

She immediately knows which one is Eli Jr 🥺 okay listen I'm not the biggest fan of comic relief sideplot surprise babies, but I have to admit they're cute. Cute couple. Throuple. Eli is in on this. He even has a Junior.

I TOLD YOU WHERE'S THE DAMN TACO TRUCK NANA WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU AND NEITHER WILL I

Oh yea he better fuckin be alive I will commit murder

HE BETTER FUCKIN BE ALIVE BITCH

FUCK YOU

THAT'S A WHOLE ASS CHILD HE ISN'T ALLOWED TO DIE IT'S ILLEGAL

JIM IS GONNA LOOK DOWN AT THE GREEN GLOWING BITCH AAARRRGGHH CONVENIENTLY THREW THERE AND SEE HIM ALIVE OR SOMETHING

YEAH USE THE SWORD TO UNDEAD HIM! THAT'S HOW YOU USE SWORDS!

Unbecoming Part 2

So is Jim just gonna Groundhog Day it until everyone is fine? There's only 13 minutes left we're gonna need a bigger movie

Also I screamed so much about everyone's death and now everyone reading this after they already saw the whole thing is gonna shame me for clowning huh

The scene where Blinky is giving his goodbye speech, there are no babies and Steve has a round belly? Did he reabsorb them?? I mean I know Jim is about to un-birth them but he hasn't started yet

JUST HOW FAR BACK IS HE PLANNING TO GO

WAIT HOLD UP EXCUSE ME WHAT

Oh they did NOT just do that. I though he was just gonna go back to like, the start of the movie maybe. Not all the way

Imagine being in your early twenties with as much trauma as this kid has and having to pretend you're 16 again

Somewhere Unkar is complaining because "oh sure NOW it's a good idea"

I know Jim is wondering where Toby is because he was there before. But before, he made an entire meatloaf AND did his homework before leaving the house, so honey maybe wait a minute

For a second I thought Toby wasn't gonna be there and Jim would return to the right time. But there he is!

Alright so they're in school now, did they take the canal and just didn't mention the amulet on screen or did they pass it as if the Unbecoming episode hadn't been that traumatizing? Jim you know what happens when you ignore it

Jim maybe you're being too obvious here lmao

Soooo. Anyway. These whole past years I've rewatched this show over and over and over again are cancelled now?

OKAY AT LEAST WE SAW NANA FOR A SPLIT SECOND THAT'S IRONIC TIMING

So we get the quote again. And Trollhunter Tobias is nice. Cool. Cool AU I mean, but I don't know. I don't knowwww. I've been way too invested in everything to just accept that it never happened?? So uh. Hm. How about this.

Strickler survived because fuck you, and Toby also survived and just has scars now. Maybe a wheelchair but he's fine, also he can use the Warhammer for super speed and make it awesome once he's used to it. Archie and Charlie get freed once they rebuild the bridge (and they were playing scrabble to pass the time). Nomura is still dead because she died on screen and I can't really deny that but she's with Draal so it's okay. Everyone is traumatized but they'll be fine. NotEnrique is still babysitting 500 babies and Steve is about to bring 7 more.

In summary, I reject Groundhog Day ending but everything else was great, as long as it actually happened. It was a good movie. But you can't just cancel years of passion. Having the prospect of a million "canon AUs" sounds great for writing but at the same time nooo you can't do that he didn't have to go back THAT far HHHHH

I liked the movie. It was a great watch and a satisfying end to a franchise, but I gotta say I do not fancy the ending of it so I will from now on be in denial. I honestly feel kind of betrayed that this show was my whole life for so long, I learned every smallest fact, and they basically deleted it from existence. I know what they were going for, I think, but no thank you I will be going with my own opinion. Still gonna rewatch it a few dozen times though ✌🏻

And that concludes my live commentary that was supposed to be a small handful of notes. Feel free to shame me for my opinions. See ya!

#rott spoilers #trollhunters #tales of arcadia #this got a LOT longer than expected #i'd be surprised if anyone actually read the whole thing but oh well #i just. have a LOT of opinions #i started out so optimistic too #mpreg mention #can't believe i have to use that tag on a post about canon

24 notes · View notes

galos-writing · 4 years ago

Note

Hey love! can I request the reader tells the Abbe she is pregnant after he succumbed to his desires only once! His reaction and what happens, please? Love u <3

Sure thing, sweetheart! I just finished to write it, and I’m quite proud of it! I hope you like it like I do ^///^’’ Enjoy!

That night, the madhouse was silent. Well, almost.

Unless the screams from some sleepless patient, the only noisy room in that building was upstairs, the Abbé’s room.

The two of you have been secretly hiding feelings for each other for some months. You didn’t want to surrender to the heat that grew inside of you, every time you looked at him. But you were sure that your infatuation was reciprocal. His eyes were sweeter than usual, when he looked at you, and he used to use kind words to you.

His gaze became more curious, inquiring on your body over time. His desire for you was growing up, as he looked for any kind of phisical connection with you.

The sexual tension between the two of you was obvious, but it ended that night.

Your moans filled the room, as he sucked at your pure skin. At first, he gently nibbled on it, but his bites became harder and harder. He was already inside of you, and began to thrust, and your moans became louder. He cupped your mouth, looking at you with a lewd gaze, and he licked his lips.

«B-Be quiet, darling, this is just the beginning-!» he sighed, his face blushing, while he kept thrusting into you. His bed was creaking, the room was cold, the only thing that you two could feel was your trembling voices, the heat of your body as it melted with the other. His hands kept exploring your breasts, belly and thighs, they seductively massaged your soft skin. In your ear, you could hear his shaky breath. His thrusts became rougher, and his sighs became light moans.

«Ah-Confess your sins, my child-» he loudly moaned, caressing your cheek; his hand moved to your neck, tightening it lightly. Those words turned you on more.

«Father...» you muttered, trying not to moan too loud «Forgive me for my sins...I’ve-ah!- I’ve loved you with all my heart...-.» you groaned, letting out every lewd sound from you. You felt your climax to approach as he increased his pace, and sinked your nails in his back, scratching it. He let you hear his voice as he reached the climax, too, and relaxed by your side. Both of you were heavily breathing; you looked at him. You cupped his soft cheek, and analysed every single part of his face. He sweetly looked at you, and kissed your forehead, hugging you. Your satisfied expression vanished, as a dark thought invaded your mind.

«What’s the matter?» he asked, his beautiful face took a worried expression. You looked at him, your e/c eyes were filled in tears.

«Do you think we made a mistake?» you asked, your voice shaking again, and not for the pleasure. He didn’t know how to reply. Tears started to wet your face.

He kissed you; his lips were warm, and soft. You felt your cheeks glow a fiery red, and his too.

«Darling...» he whispered. «Do you love me?». You nodded, without hesitation. He softly giggled, and kissed you again.

«Me too...this wasn’t a mistake. It couldbe for me, because I’m a priest, but not for us.». You smiled.

«Despite that...» he added, his kind expression changed, it was extremely serious. «We won’t tell anyone what just happened, and we won’t repeat it again. Got it?»

You were caught off-guard by his bluntness; so much, that you began to cry. You quickly got dressed again, and ran out, reaching your room.

After that night, the two of you stopped talking. Just like two complete strangers.

Weeks were going by, and you began to feel sick.

Immediately, that one doubt occupied your mind, after you showed your first need to throw up. “Shit” you thought.

“It can’t be, I had just one sexual intercourse with…” Your thought was interrupted. You didn’t want to remember that night, it hurted. But you hve never felt so much pleasure, and those memories were not totally negative. Sometimes, when you were alone in your room, you liked to touch yourself thinking of that night.

Other weeks were going by, and your belly grew a bit. It was official.

You were pregnant.

You were quite happy for the pregnancy, but your concern focused on the judgement of other people in Charenton, then in town. People were very gossipy.

You wanted so much to go away, you didn’t want to put the Abbé in trouble, so you decided to talk with him.

«Abbé.»

He jmped. He didn’t expect you suddenly calling him like that. He turned around, and obviously faked a smile. He was a master in it.

«Yes, darling?» he replied, kind as usual; you guessed he didn’t want others to notice the difference of behavior he had with you before and after that sexual intercourse.

«I wanted you to know that I’m leaving Charenton.» you announced, your tone was cold like ice. His smile vanished, as he got a lost expression. He immediately composed himself.

«Sure, if you feel uncomfortable by staying here, who am I to tell you to stay, I guess!» he exclaimed. You heard a kind of sarcasm into the last part of the sentence. He was someone, in fact: the director of the madhouse, the one who took your virginity, and the father of the baby.

«Can I just know the reason why? If you have a problem, I can try to fix it, so our establishment can improve!»

«I don’t think you can fix your own “problem”, Abbé. Abortion is illegal.» you just said. His eyes widened.

«You don’t mean.»

«I do mean.»

His green-blue eyes were filled in tears, and he covered his mouth, as some weak sounds escaped his mouth. You couldn’t understand if that was a happy or a desperate reaction. You found a response when he ran to hug you. He tightened you, and you felt a lot of love in his arms. He then kissed you; for once, you felt truly loved in your whole life, like a bride with her husband.

You cried too, as you kissed him back; your heart was hammering in your chest.

«What am I supposed to do?» you asked, drying your tears, and looked at him. He smiled, his gorgeous eyes still weeping.

«We are supposed to go away.» he replied. You were confused.

«W-What?»

He just took off his gown, and looked at you.

«I’m happy that I made this mistake with you, Y/N...if that means I must abandon my role, I will happily quit it.» he said, his eyes were shining in happiness.

«But you lived to be an abbé!» you exclaimed!

«True, but I cannot ignore my responsibilities.» he just said. He remained silent, as he slightly approached you. «And I have to admit it, Y/N, I wanted so badly to put on a family. I needed it, with all my heart!»

Silence.

«Leave this place, and wait for me, in some safe place. I have to attend to some chores, I’m joining you later.»

@darknessisafriend

#imagine #scenario #joaquin phoenix #joaquinphoenix #jp #quills #abbe de coulmier #abbe de coulmier scenario

44 notes · View notes

flowerpowell · 4 years ago

Text

The Dream Life of Ellie Wheeler (Colt x MC // Logan x MC)

PART TWO

A/N: unedited and not proofread but I just didnt have any time for that and wanted to post it before I’d overthink it and not post it after all. I’ll post it on Ao3 as well and reblog this post with the link to it. Please, let me know if you want me to keep you tagged or take you off the taglist. And if you prefer reading it here or on Ao3.

Series summary: Ellie lives with a very strict father who doesn’t let her leave the house even for one night. When he forbids her to go to her dream college, Ellie decides to take matters into her hands and create her dream life. Since the only way to move out of the family house is to get married, Ellie needs to find a guy she can fake marry immediately. And who’s better than a young criminal that Ellie can easily blackmail? Unfortunately, not everything is as easy as Ellie hopes.

Rating: PG

Colt tags: @delightfullypinkglitter @mskaneko @desireepow-1986 @lovehugsandcandy @badchoicesposts @kingliam2019 @client-327 @walkerduchess

Ellie woke up and her face immediately lit up. Today was the day she would finally take matters into her own hands and take a risk to make her biggest dream come true. Was it stupid? Yes, probably, but Ellie was determined. She wanted to go to Langston. She wanted to finally try living on her own. Besides, she wanted to try everything before giving up. And there was still at least—she looked at the phone—twelve hours before she had to send her answer whether she’d be attending the university or not. Twelve hours to execute her plan. At the end of the day she’d either gain nothing, go to college or be dead, if Colt Kaneko turned out to be dangerous. Either way, she wanted to try.

~~~~

She never took a day off. Her father would know if she did, besides, she needed money. Today was different and Alice promised she’d cover for her.

Ellie was sneaking up into the garage, hoping to meet Colt.

Colt and Colt only, she thought to herself. If that weirdo is with him I’m not sure I’d be able to say anything.

She was lucky. Colt was sleeping on the mattress, on the floor and there was no sight of Moana, or whatever her name was. Ellie took a deep breath and entered the garage.

Through the window.

Somehow, it felt inappropriate to use the main entrance, considering she was sneaking up. And on top of that, Ellie hoped it’d make a better impression on Colt since he was a criminal. In her head it made a lot of sense, the reality was slightly different, though.

What Ellie didn’t predict, was that she, in fact, wasn’t the tallest person, the window was pretty high and there wasn’t any dumpster on the other side of the window so she could climb down. As a result, instead of being sneaky, she fell down and made so much noise that all neighbors could hear.

“Ahhhhhhh!” she cried out when her body met with the floor and many toolboxes that she accidentally knocked over.

“The police are coming, abort mission!” she heard Colt yelling, before he rolled out of the mattress and started running away.

“No! No police, it’s just me!” So much for the good impression, Ellie. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to knock on the door so I wouldn’t wake you up.”

“Well, you did a great job, then,” Colt snarled as he massaged his neck. He looked at her again as if only now registering that she wasn’t supposed to be here.

“What… What on Earth are you doing here? Who are you?”

“I’m the barista from yesterday, remember?”

“Geez.” Colt rolled his eyes. “Don’t tell me you came here because I didn’t thank you for the coffee or something. And may I ask, how did you even find me?!”

“Actually, you forgot your change,” Ellie joked but Colt looked as if she went crazy. Which, to be fair, she did. “I’m joking.”

“Funny,” he replied, with the most serious expression she ever saw. Ellie wanted to run. But first, she had a mission.

“Listen, what I’m about to say may sound crazy but I need you to listen to me—”

“Umm, can we go back to why you’re here and how you found me?”

“That’s what I was about to say before you interrupted me!” Ellie looked at him reproachingly.

“Amuse me.”

“I followed you yesterday. Just wanted to know the reason why I had to stay extra time at work. I… umm… overheard a thing or two. Listen,” Ellie took a deep breath deciding it was time to cut to the chase. “I know what you and Moana are doing…”

“Mona.”

“Same thing.” Ellie shrugged. “I know it’s illegal and I know now what your father was doing as well. And I also know what you’re about to do tonight. And I also happen to have a police officer for a father and he’d be very grateful for the information I have. But the thing is, I don’t what to give it to him, get it? I think I would benefit more if I didn’t tell anyone.”

“Wait, wait. I don’t understand what you’re saying. What is your point? You want to sell me out but … you don’t want to sell me out?”

“Ugh, I’m trying to blackmail you! I won’t tell anyone about the car deal tonight if you marry me today and take me with you to Oklahoma,” she finished and looked at Colt expectantly. For someone who has just been blackmailed, he seemed very calm.

“I’m sorry but…” Colt shook his head. “I think I’m still sleeping. It’s been a while since I had a vivid dream but here we are. You can disappear now and I need to wake up.”

Ellie sighed and walked up to Colt. She took his hand and pinched him hard, until she could see her nail marks on his skin. He hissed and took his arm away from her.

“Oh no.” That was all he said.

“Look, I know it’s not ideal but I really need to go to college and I can’t and—”

“IDEAL? You just asked me to marry you. Knowing too well I’m a criminal and you’re a daughter of a cop.”

“My father doesn’t allow me to go to college outside our city, unless I’m married. There’s no other way out. I’m helping you, you’re helping me. You’re not helping me, I’m not helping you.”

“I’m sorry to say that but I think you’re in the wrong place, sweetheart. Find someone else you can marry, I have a job to do.”

“Okay then. Good luck with your job. Me and a few other cops will come and look at your success tonight.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Colt murmured. “You know I could kill you right now? You know I’m a criminal and you’re not even scared of what I might do to you.”

“So? If I can’t go to college, what’s the point?”

“Geez, you’re such a nerd.” Colt rolled his eyes. He looked at Ellie and then at the car, covered with black cloth. “This is unfair. My job is only for one night. And I’ll have to stay married to you for more than one night.”

“Not really. I need to be married to leave the house. Obviously, after tonight, we both will go to Oklahoma. I don’t have a place to stay so I’ll stay with you until I find a dorm or something. We’ll be married only on paper and divorce as soon as I’ll settle into Langston.”

“I can’t marry into a family of cops!”

“Fake-marry,” Ellie corrected him.

“Same thing. What if your father does some research on me? A criminal marrying into a cop family.”

“Relax! I’ll handle it. He’s not gonna do anything when we’re still married. Trust me.”

“That’s… no. I can’t! I’ve done many stupid things in my life but this… This is the worst.”

“Would you rather… risk yours and Moana’s freedom?”

“Mona! And no! Of course not. I’ve got things to do…” Colt sighed. “How can I know you’re not lying? That you won’t say something to your father later?”

“Because I need your house? And be married to you? Without you, I’d have to stay here.”

Colt ran his hand though his hair. This was an important job. The last one before he would finish his father’s business and start his own. He couldn’t risk it. And that girl was clearly mad. Besides, she said it herself. That marriage would be only on paper. Was this a punishment for his sins? Was everything his did so bad that this was the only way to redeem himself? Was it—

“Can you make up your mind faster? I need to give my answer in less than ten hours.”

“Okay, fine. But if you do anything, you’ll regret it, I promise you!”

“Mhmm, yaay! Okay, we need to get married asap and send my answer! Hurry up, I still need to pack before my father comes home. Call Moana, we need a marriage witness or whatever. Hurry up!!”

~~~~

In the past five hours, Colt questioned his sanity more times than ever in his life. First, when he agreed to Ellie’s plan. He didn’t even know her but agreed to marry her. Later, he questioned his sanity when he asked Mona to be his best woman. Mona questioned his sanity, too. Then, he questioned it many more times during the ceremony and finally, when he said I do. By the end of the day, he was certain that it was only a bad dream. He couldn’t possibly marry Ellie. She was the weirdest person he’d ever met. And he, most certainly, met a great amount of weird people in his life.

Marriage certificate in his hand, he wondered when he’d wake up from this nightmare and what awaited him next.

-----

#ride or die: a bad boy romance #colt kaneko #choices #playchoices #colt x mc #colt kaneko x mc #logan will be here too!#choices rod #choices ride or die #my fics #its been a while since i wrote #i dont remeber how to anymore

15 notes · View notes

gisellelx · 4 years ago

Text

The Cider House Vampire Rules

I completely agree with the criticism that SM is constantly ignoring bodily autonomy in her work. That’s something you have to grapple with if you’re going to stay canon--if we take SM at face value, what does it mean for the way we have to write these characters? Carlisle is 100% guilty of this in the case of Jacob’s DNA, which says something about him. I am no SM apologist. I think she wrote some disgusting stuff that she deserves to be called on.

But somewhere this idea developed that in BD, Carlisle was all gloved up and ready to force Bella into having an abortion. Not only does that not makes sense for his character, it runs directly counter to what he actually says in the book. Yet, it seems that people have concluded that “Carlisle would have been willing to abort the pregnancy” means “Carlisle was willing to force Bella against her will.” I don’t know if that’s because people find BD so insulting they’re unwilling to re-read it or what, or if it’s just that being so thoroughly inside Bella’s head has led to confusion, but as a dedicated canon writer, it’s always been my joy to find the gaps and to know these texts backwards and forwards, at least as they pertain to the character I’m writing at the time (which is usually Carlisle.)

So let’s talk about the two questions at play here: A) Was Carlisle willing and ready to terminate Bella’s pregnancy and B) Did he mean to do it against her will. I find no support for, and actually counter evidence for, B, and while I think A is quite likely, there’s actually more than a bit of wiggle room there, too.

Let’s dive in. My Twitter bio has recently been updated to read “Always here for the over the top srs bsns take.” Don’t say you weren’t warned. There are in-line citations involved because I am a NEEEEERRRRD.

The end of the honeymoon goes like this: Bella pukes, feels the baby quicken, which prompts Alice’s vision (which we never find out), which prompts the call from the Cullen household, and then they’re on the plane home.

We’re in Bella’s head at the end of the honeymoon. She doesn’t hear Carlisle’s side of the conversation after she hands the phone to Edward. Edward says this: “Is it possible? .... And Bella? .... Yes, yes, I will.” (BD 130) And that’s it. I suppose there’s a reading you could take there that Carlisle is like, “Bring her home and strap her to a table!” and that’s what Edward replies “Yes, I will” to. But...that seems really unlikely. We have no clue what Carlisle said, except that with the way he’s characterized in the prior books, it was probably more like, “Take care of her, bring her home, and we’ll figure this out together, son.”

So let’s think about what’s going through Carlisle’s head right now. Pregnant mothers, especially first time mothers, experience quickening around midway through their pregnancies. All this goes down on August 30 (OIG 411). So that puts Bella’s conception date, were this a normal pregnancy, sometime in May, maaaybe June. June, recall, is when she spent the night in a tent with Jacob. So it’s a little early for her to feel the baby move, especially for a first pregnancy, for that to have been the conception date, but that is certainly more plausible than “my vampire kid knocked her up two weeks ago and somehow she’s already halfway through her pregnancy.”

Yes, she says her last menstrual cycle was 31 days ago. Nevertheless, it just makes more sense that this is not Edward’s baby. So Carlisle has basically no information which is actually useful, and Occam’s Razor says that’s the easiest explanation. He doesn’t know what he’s dealing with at this point. I imagine that he absolutely flew into his library at that point and started re-reading every last journal entry he’d ever made for himself. He’s making phone calls to Tanya and trying to think his way through this.

He’s also a physician. And one who we have no reason to believe is militantly anti-abortion. Anti-abortion stances being linked to evangelical Christianity is actually a very new invention, dating to the Regan era (and it’s only really common in the US.) It wasn’t actually something actual Puritans cared about. So historically, there’s not a lot of reason to think Carlisle has some deep moral objection to terminating a pregnancy. I don’t think he was out there like Dr. Larch running an illegal abortion clinic pre Roe but I’d be astonished if he hasn’t performed a handful of them over his time. I think especially in cases where it was about the life of the mother, he would feel particularly compelled to use his skills to intervene. So he’s back at home, with the scant bit of information Edward has given, and Edward’s panic, and thinking, “Yep. Whatever is going on, we’re ending this pregnancy.” He has no reason at this point from his end to believe that Bella wants to go through with the pregnancy. He has what Edward has told him. We’ve seen Bella’s horror that Edward is thinking they should abort the baby, we’ve seen her call Rose, but Edward specifically doesn’t see this, and that means neither does Carlisle. So at this point, Carlisle is preparing himself (maybe?) to terminate a pregnancy he thinks is probably human and may be a ways along. At a bare minimum, what he knows at that point is that Bella is probably pregnant, and Edward is scared. He assumes Bella is scared. And maybe Edward calls him on the flight home and says that Kaure said that Bella was going to die. So he’s ready to do whatever he can do. Because he’s a doctor, and a father.

That’s the end of BD book 1, and BD book 2 picks up an entire week later without any intervening information. Jacob comes to visit and the next information we get about what’s happened in the meantime is him talking to Edward (BD 177), in which he asks what’s going on, and Edward, agonizing, explains in response to why “Carlisle hasn’t done anything” that “[Bella] won’t let us.”

It is then Jacob who suggests that they hold her down. And this is the one piece of information that we have that maybe suggests that Carlisle and Edward would’ve been in favor of forcing Bella, as Edward’s comment, “I wanted to. Carlisle would have...” (BD 178)

But let’s back this truck up a second. We know Edward is prone to overreaction. We also know that he tends to get pissed when things don’t go his way (flatscreen TV in New Moon, anyone?). Maaaaaybe he’s not lying here. Maybe Carlisle really would have just totally held Bella down and done his level best.

[Tiny aside: this wouldn’t have mattered though because not being able to gauge the speed at which the fetus was growing would’ve made abortion an incredibly risky maneuver. I don’t want to go too far into this but if you can handle the somewhat gruesome facts about what it takes to end a pregnancy that is more than 20 weeks along, you can google it--it’s a multi-day thing. If it would be possible that the fetus would be an entire week or two bigger the following day, this becomes downright impossible. Carlisle’s just not that stupid. He would’ve taken one look at this situation and gone, “Noooope.” Because he’s not an idiot. And that’s even before we get into the whole vampire skin amniotic sac stuff.]

The thing that upends this, though, is in the next chapter, after Jacob breaks from Sam’s pack over protecting Bella. He’s sitting on the Cullens’ back porch, with Carlisle, all road-weary. And Jacob calls Carlisle on calling Bella his family and says, “But you’re going to let her die.”

And Carlisle answers, “I can imagine what you think of me for that. But I can’t ignore her will. It wouldn’t be right to make such a choice for her, to force her.” (BD 234, emphasis mine). So. Edward says “Carlisle was willing.” Carlisle says “I can’t ignore her will.” Faced with those two pieces of information, and faced with the fact that Edward by this time has been known to lie over and over if it means getting his way, I don’t find much reason to put stock in what he has to say about what Carlisle was and wasn’t willing to do. I happen to think it is entirely reasonable that Carlisle was trying to figure out a way to abort the pregnancy because that would make sense for a doctor who was concerned about his daughter-in-law’s life to do. But there’s actually no information about this either way in the actual canon. The only thing we ever know about what Carlisle would be willing to do is what Edward says he would do.

And when it comes down to it, when Bella gets home and makes clear that ending her pregnancy is not what she wants, Carlisle is clear about how he lands. I don’t find room for the “He would’ve forced her to have an abortion” debate at all, and my suspicion that he would’ve been willing to perform an abortion if Bella had been willing is just that; a suspicion based on years of reading everything I can into his character. There’s actually not direct support for that in canon, either. [Later edit on rereading--it is possible, maybe even probable that this is what Edward means by “Carlisle would have” which would make sense. My headcanon is that he was totally okay with doing it! But it’s important to point out that this is headcanon--it’s not in the text.]

So was Carlisle willing to abort a pregnancy? Yeah, I think this is pretty likely, but we actually don’t have full information. Was he willing to force Bella to do that? He himself says no, running counter to what Edward says to Jacob in the heat of a moment. And if I have to choose one of these two men to be telling the truth here, I’m always betting on Daddy C.

#carlisle cullen #edward cullen #bella swan #canon #breaking dawn

22 notes · View notes

sound-of-the-cosmos · 4 years ago

Text

The Rain Can Hide Anything (Connor x Reader) (6)

Warnings: Abusive speech, actions and ideology. Degrading speech, mentions of anxiety, gaslighting and violence

Summary: The time for the Interrogation has come, and your mother wants nothing more than to wring your neck. Connor begins to understand the degree of severity of how you were treated by your family.

“I don’t think humans are supposed to have these kinds of marks, Y/n.”

Masterlist can be found here

Request board can be found here

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Your heart raced faster with every step. You could hear her voice, and the insults she hurls at the officers trying to keep her contained. She comes around the corner, locking eyes with you. Immediately, you stop in your tracks, feeling the rate of your heart at least double its original pace.

She breaks away from the officers escorting her and makes a mad dash for you, but Connor steps in front of you, his arm out to shield you from any harm.. “Mrs. L/n, I must ask for you to return to the officers escorting you to the interrogation room. If you fail to cooperate, I’m afraid we may have to resort to a more direct approach.”

She grumbles something under her breath, before letting the man and woman bring her back into the hall leading to the room. Your anxiety grew as you followed, not wanting to be in the same vicinity as her any longer than you had to. Your shoulder throbs as a reminder of what had happened last time.

“Y/n, you do not have to be in the other room if you don’t wish to be.” Connor speaks softly, his voice catching you off guard for a moment. You take in a short breath, before shaking your head.

“I want to make sure she tells the truth. I’m scared, but this is more important.” Your voice started strong, but weakened with the last statement. Scared was an understatement; you were terrified. But you wanted to make sure these people actually knew what had happened.

Stepping into the room attached to the small interrogation cell, you look through a panel of glass while the officers walk back in and sit down, leaving your mother handcuffed to the table.

You take in a breath, before Hank places a hand on your back lightly. “I’m gonna try to talk to her. If I don’t get anything out of her, Connor will take a shot at it.” He scans his hand and opens the door, before heading into the sparse room with your mother.

He sits down, and looks at her, eyes narrowed. “So; you not only broke into my house, but shot your daughter in the shoulder. When she found my partner and I, she was too scared to talk to us properly. Why is that?” He stares directly at her, and she sighs, leaning further back into her chair.

“Yeah, I shot her. I didn’t break into your house, she left the door unlocked. She gave me the gun willingly, I just chose to do what she wanted me to.” She was smirking, and you bite the inside of your cheek. That isn’t what happened, but... you had left the door unlocked.

“Even if she left the door unlocked, it’s still considered trespassing. Why did you shoot her?” Hank glances at the window, and she scoffs.

“The bitch ran out on her father and I! I had to do something-”

“Then you report them to us. Unfortunately, even if she did, she’s over 18. Legally, you aren’t obligated to provide or house her.” His voice was firm, and she crosses her arms, leaning back. Hank asks a few more questions, before finally giving up.

He scans his hand, and Connor steps into the room in Hank’s place. You were biting your lip pretty hard, fears running through your thoughts like wildfire.

He looks at her a moment, before opening the case file. “3 attempts of arson, 8 files of illegal substances, 2 accounts of kiting checks and 12 declined requests for loans.” He names off a few of the things your mother has done, and she visibly pales.

“The first arson attempt was after your first husband left you for another woman. You retaliated by attempting to burn them both alive.” He begins to pace as he speaks. “ The second attempt was after your brother threatened to take your daughter, y/n, after witnessing and reporting abuse. Speaking of which, there’s over 17 charges of abuse against you.” Her mouth fell open, but she shut it quickly.

“People are rude to those they don’t like. As an android, you should understand.’ She tries, but Connor cuts her off.

“The third attempt was attempting to burn Y/n after she snuck out of the house to attempt to get away from you. Should I keep going, or will you confess?” He stops, and stares at your mother, who is now squirming in her seat. She stays quiet for a moment, before sighing.

“You know what? Fine. I hope she’s listening, because I’m not going to sugarcoat anything.” Your mother takes in a breath, before beginning. “Her birth was a mistake; she is a product of a broken condom. I couldn’t afford the off time of an abortion, and maternity leave is often well paid.” Smirking, she continues.

“I thought I could force myself to love her. My husband did, after all. Then he walked out on me, on us, for some cheap whore he’d met at a bar. I knew it was y/n’s fault, so I began to take things away. Punish her for things she knew she was doing. Did you know she tried to kill me? Twice?”

You let out a small squeak of shock at this. You never tried to kill her, let alone more than once..

“Once we got an android, he opened my eyes. She was nothing more than a burden, a nuisance. I didn’t have to pretend to love her, I could do as I pleased. If she didn’t listen, I would-” You stand up abruptly, and walk out, wrapping your arms around yourself tightly. You couldn’t listen to any more, not if you wanted to avoid flashbacks.

The things she did to you- you weren’t sure if you could ever fully heal from them.

You sit in the women’s room in the handicap stall, curled up on the floor. It was hard to breathe, and you weren’t sure what to do. You just prayed it would be over soon..

After the interrogation, one of the female officers came and got you, telling you she would be facing prison time of at least 30 years. You nodded, and she escorts you out, leading you to Hank’s desk. He turns, and his eyes have a new emotion in them. Pity.

Connor, on the other hand, immediately pulls you into a hug. You let out a soft cry in shock and pain, and he lets go once he realizes you’re hurting. “My apologies, y/n,” His voice is a lot softer than before.

You nod, wrapping your good arm around yourself. “So, you guys know everything, then, huh..?” Your voice was frail, and you wished you were stronger in that moment. You’d only just met these people a few days ago, and now they knew all of your darkest secrets.

Connor nods lightly, then speaks thoughtfully. “I don’t see you as a different person, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Your eyes shoot to his face, shocked. How did he know? “I see you as a strong individual who has overcome some extremely difficult scenarios and come out of them stronger than before.” He smiles lightly.

Your heart swells a little, and you carefully hug the android. Hank smiles slightly at the two of you, cheering Connor on internally. It was hard to miss (to him, at least) that Connor begun to show more deviant-like behavior once you’d shown up.

You bite your lip, before looking at the two of them. “So.. do you know where A/n (Android’s name) is..?” Hank shakes his head, and you nod a little, sitting down as exhaustion overtakes you. The nightmare was halfway over. But you’d have to come to terms with it all eventually.

// I’m not entirely happy with how this part panned out, but maybe the line above will make more sense in part 7...

#Connor #Bryan Dechart #Connor x reader #RK800 x reader #RK800 #Connor detroit become human #DBH connor #Hank #Hank anderson #DBH hank #Hank Detroit become human #DBH #Detroit Become Human #Angst #dbh angst #Series #This isn't the end

97 notes · View notes

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

Text

Survey #401

“my love is just waiting to turn your tears to roses”

Do you typically do your makeup the same each time? Or do you like to change it up often? IF I wear makeup, it's essentially always the same. Who is the last person you were in a room with just the two of you? What were you doing? Yesterday with Mom. We were trying to find the best deal on Eco Earth, a substrate we're getting for Venus. What was the last really good book you read, and what was it about? If we're talking REALLY good book, then The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. In short summary, it's a dystopian future novel where women are now basically just objects used only for repopulation, even having their names stripped from them. They follow very strict rules as society has returned to horrible misogyny. As a woman, the "oh my god, this is possible" aspect of it is terrifying, and it causes such a sense of disgust and urge to ensure women rights always continue to be fought for. Do you feel safe in your country? For the most part, I'd say. I guess. There are places I'd feel safer, though. How many meals do you eat a day? Three. Have you ever performed a solo dance in front of a crowd? No, but I was supposed to my senior year in high school; the seniors at my dance studio were always welcome to do a solo in celebration. Mine was a modern dance to "Coma White" by Marilyn Manson, wanting to tell a story about depression and how being medicated could feel, but I eventually decided like halfway through learning the choreography that I was just too nervous to do a solo. Have you ever sung a solo? No. When you go to McDonalds, what drink do you usually get? Coke. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? No. Do you own a designer purse? Definitely not. I'm not wasting that much money on something like that. What’s the weirdest rumor you’ve ever heard about yourself? Apparently, Jason and I had a baby in high school even though I was obviously never pregnant. To my knowledge, it was started by his ex. Who is now a good friend of mine lmaooo. Life is funny. What was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon growing up? Pokemon, of course. Would you ever have an affair? Nope. Would you ever have a one night stand? Nope. Where you present at any major historical events (e.g. 9/11)? No. What are your opinions on marijuana legalization? Legalize it, but treat it similarly to alcohol in that driving under the influence is illegal and punishable, and I believe you should be of a certain age. How about abortion? I am pro-choice. I was pro-life most of my own life, but now I am very firm about a mother being able to choose if she wants to endure a pregnancy or not. Like, that is a MASSIVE life event that almost inevitably changes - and sometimes traumatizes - people. I do believe a fetus is its own body and not part of the mother's, but rather in the mother's, but the belief that a woman decides what she wants in her body is her choice, too. I'm not very fond of people treating abortion as a simple, regular form of birth control, like it's nothing but an "lol whoops," but I still believe it is ultimately her decision, and she should always be free of judgment for doing what is best for her. Do you wear skirts or dresses more often? Neither. I wouldn't dare wear a skirt more so, though. What do you think about tipping at restaurants? There should always be an expected minimum, imo, unless the person was truly, sincerely, genuinely fucking awful. Waiters do not have an easy job, fight me about it, and they're just trying to survive while putting on a happy, jovial face, all the while dealing with hungry people who can be such assholes. I believe the actual tip should relate to actual service, but again, give them something. Would you ever get back together with any of your exes? One, absolutely. The other would take a shitload of consideration and proper communication on his part. Do you have a preferred coffee brand? No, because I don't like coffee. Do you usually befriend your coworkers, or do you prefer to keep work separate from your personal life? IF I had a job, I'd like to build a friendship with those I have to engage with almost every day. What is something you frequently forget? Dates, ages, names, what I was about to do five seconds before I forgot... Pretty much everything. My memory is frightfully poor. Is there any drama currently going on with your family? No. When you take a nap, do you nap in bed or on the couch? In my bed. Were you raised by both of your parents? If not, then who raised you? Both; my parents split when I was somewhere around 17, though, but I'd say there wasn't much more "raising" to do at that age. Have you ever stolen anything? If so, why? No. Have you ever plagiarized someone else's work? Hell no. What's your most-used mode of transportation? My mom's car. Have you ever taught someone else a useful skill? Not to my recollection. Does seeing everyone else's 'perfect lives' posted on social media ever bring you down or affect how you feel about yourself? It actually does, honestly. Not ALWAYS, but if I'm being honest, it does most of the time. I've contemplated deleting Facebook for that reason, but with is also comes things that make me happy, and I think I'd feel even more isolated without it. What is your favorite Hostess/Little Debbie snack? This is SO impossible for me to answer. I loooove Hostess and Little Debbie treats. I want to say honeybuns, but I also love those chocolate cupcakes with the white swirls on top, as well as Twinkies. Very few exist that I don't like. Do you/your family buy loafs from the bakery or bagged on the shelf? We just buy bagged bread. What’s the best news you’ve gotten lately? My APAP mask is definitively WORKING!!!!! :') Mom got an app that connects to the machine via Bluetooth that monitors the effectiveness of the mask, evaluating many factors of your sleep, and it's detecting a definite decrease in disruptive behaviors or something like that. It is so, SO encouraging to know that. ^And, the worst? Hm. Oh, probably some news on something serious a good friend is going through, but I don't feel it's my right to disclose what. It's just a very worrying and potentially dangerous issue that I wish I could help her with. Would you rather receive (or give) flowers, chocolates or jewelry? I'd appreciate any, but my fat ass is drawn to the chocolate, ha ha. What *I* would give would vary depending on what the person liked. How do you feel about coconut? Smells lovely, but is otherwise gross. ^ Ever cracked one open? No, but omg I've always wanted to, haha. What’s the best thing about being your gender? I guess the fact it's more "normal" and "accepted" to show our emotions. Fuck that generalization, though. I don't give a shit what your gender is, you experiencing emotions is NORMAL and welcomed to be expressed. ^ And the worst thing? The ability to be raped and impregnated by it. Do you do your part to save the earth? I don't do nearly enough. :/ We recycle, but that's about it. Well, none of us DARE to litter either, but I still don't feel like it's as much as the earth deserves from its denizens. Who do you think should have their portrait on a bill? I don't know or care. Why did you last feel exhausted? Yesterday was my niece's birthday, and I spent essentially ALL day playing with her and her brother. I have a very limited battery when it comes to kids, and I was running on empty for hours. My anxiety was SO high and I really needed a break from them, but they're too young to really understand that Aunt Britt can only socially run for so long before I'm completely burnt out, and TRUST ME, I was there for sure. I didn't want them to think they did something wrong, you know? I just had to keep going. I slept like a baby last night though for sure, haha. Have you ever used emotional blackmail to get your own way? Wow, no. Has anybody ever used emotional blackmail on you? No. Who did you last worry about and why? Sara for health reasons. Are you currently looking for a new place to live? Not actively, but Mom and I definitely want to move. We feel very out-of-place here in the suburbs. Which would you prefer as a view; mountains or the sea? Mountains. Do you have a mouse for your laptop? (Assuming you have a laptop) Yes. I canNOT play games with a trackpad. Do you apologize a lot? Extremely excessively. When you get married what do you think you’ll put most of your focus and money into? Do you mean like, for the wedding? In that case, probably the venue. Being a photography buff, I want a place I think is really pretty to have pictures taken. What’s something you complain about frequently? My legs hurting, my weight, and being hot. Do you have anything planned for the summer? Nope, and that's fine with me. I'd rather stay inside away from the heat. Who usually makes dinner in your household? My ma. Do you have a blog? Just on Tumblr. Does anyone in your family snore loudly? My mother does because of gerd, and at least when my father still lived with us, he snored super loud, too. Do you want to fix anything with anyone? Yeah, a few people. What shows do you watch? Right now, only Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. Whenever The Edge of Sleep comes out, I will 110% be watching that, too, because Mark is a key actor in it. :') Plus the concept seems super cool. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don't know. Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone? Me mum. Does the song you’re currently listening to remind you of anyone specific? No, given it has like... one lyric, haha. Do you own any TV show soundtracks? No. Last thing you did that made you feel like an adult? I mean I guess sign myself in at the doctor's. What’s your favorite picture of your mom? Dad? Oh my god, there's a candid one I got of Mom laughing when she was posing as my subject for a photography assignment, and I cherish it with ALL my heart. I want to share it with essentially the whole world, but yeah, I'm not gonna put my mom's picture here. As for my dad, I like this one I took of us at Red Lobster for his birthday a year or two back. Last TV show series you finished? Fullmetal Alchemist with Sara. Favorite flavor of cream cheese? Regular. What US state would you like to visit? Alaska. Last meal you made yourself? I put a chicken pesto thing in the microwave earlier for dinner.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''whispers in the dark'' by skillet

2 notes · View notes

everydayanth · 4 years ago

Text

Some Observations On Talking About Race With White People:

Context: I am a white person. I studied anthropology and then went and traveled all around the US and talked to a lot of people about race. With so many people urging white people to use their voice and privilege to begin discussions with other white people in the wake of George Floyd’s murder, here are some things that I’ve learned:

1. It is exhausting.

You have to start from the most simple kernels of truth and work backwards from there with a lot of people. Many of whom have never in their lives thought about their skin color and what it means or says, who have never questioned their position as a majority or been in a society that asks them to. You start with the basic pieces and talk in circles for them or else they dismiss you. You feel like shit but laugh at some of their jokes so that you can talk about the issues or else they’ll just leave and dismiss the idea as liberal or you as a millennial, you understand the push and pull and the tug-of-war game you’re playing, but it’s still exhausting. Maybe you have a breakthrough and it’s worth it. But it doesn’t end. You might make progress one day and the person reverts back to old habits the next. But you keep going. You keep trying.

Keep trying. People change.

2. Keep trying, but stay safe.

There’s a lot of psychology involved, and knowing how to get through to someone is a skill but can be dangerous. Facing that obligation to talk to people in the face of racism and violence can give your courage, but sometimes it can make you stupid. Sometimes walking away is important. Sometimes simply not laughing at the joke is enough because there is no place to start. Sometimes you wish you could peel off your own skin because you don’t want to look like them, you are horrified at the idea that someone might think you are like them, there is a dread and that’s okay. It’s good, it means you are not like them because of your fear. When challenging people, especially in their psychology and philosophy and the way they think about life and the world around them, it is enough to keep trying. Sometimes to keep trying, you have to walk away.

3. Context matters.

In order to romanticize eras and think nostalgically of times when they were not alive or don’t have full context of, some white people will ignore the extra efforts minorities had to go through to fit in, and the silenced violence and struggle. For many older white people, individualism is a threat and they value homogenous cultural identities, romanticizing pop-culture eras like the 20s or 50s without stopping to reflect on the media/historical interpretation vs reality. There is a pervasive view that there was less racism in the 80s, or another era around then, because there was a predominant popular culture, without ever taking the time to stop and consider the extra lengths minorities had to go through to fit that culture, or how they were limited in representation and ability by a larger oppressive system. I really like the quote going around by Will Smith that “racism isn’t getting worse, it’s getting filmed.” But for many white Americans, what they see in the evening news and on their personalized social media feeds does not challenge them, but reinforces their bubbles to say “no, it wasn’t like this in the 50s/60s/70s/80s.”

There are plenty of ways to trick our minds into believing our own world views to avoid challenge or growth, and for some white people, reminding them of the biases of their context with details like: in 1929, Martin Luther King Jr., Anne Frank, and Barbara Walters were all born; with something as simple as that, contemporary familiarity has been added and placed over two names so heavily associated with the Civil Rights Movement and WWII for American-educated white people. Or talking about Ruby Bridges walking into a white school in 1960 and how many of our parents and grandparents were alive at the time, helps recognize that this isn’t new and it’s not that old. Explaining why the southwest US is so “Mexican” because when the US bought the land there were people living there, and asking about why they thought the land was empty (”history books/class”) and what they thought happened to the people (”I never thought about it”) has been the beginning of a redemption arc for several people.

Talking to ignorant white people about what’s currently happening in the world when they ignore it forces them to think about it. Keeping police brutality and racism in conversation forces people to look into it for fear of not contributing to social conversations or not being in the know, and having those conversations face-to-face means they are more than random tweets or social media opinions. Talking matters, conversations matter, context matters, and challenging people (and yourself) and their ideas and world views matters.

4. Sometimes you lose.

There is a comfort in a homogenous society, an easy way to spot the outsider. Many of the most racist people I’ve met and chatted with retain an us-vs-them mentality that happily accepts POC who they know personally, while generalizing and labelling all others as a threat and outsiders. There is a fear perpetuated by false information and lack of context that takes so long to dismantle it hardly feels worth it.

This mentality is often recognizable by its discomfort with language it doesn’t know, obsession with brands and their perceived identity, and patronizing explanations of just about everything. It takes so much patience to get through the arrogance and sometimes the other person is “just having fun” or “playing devil’s advocate to see what you really think” or “you should read x, y, and z, then you’ll get it.” There’s an arrogance sometimes and wading through that muck to get to the bigger problems can take a while. Spotting the hypocrisy can be infuriating.

It’s okay to stop and take a step back out of fear that you might hurt someone else by changing the person’s limited-accepting view. For example: by challenging a racist person ranting about “China is bad” and asking then why they accept their kid’s Chinese friend, you may fear risking that child’s friendship as the racist person talks themselves into believing they shouldn’t be friends. Sometimes letting a person rant about the exceptions to their view is a place to start a conversation about diversity and tolerance and acceptance and culture, but sometimes walking away defeated is more important and okay.

5. You are combatting fear and it isn’t rational.

The fear of losing authority extends a strong arm into political language, rhetoric, discourse and control. The fear of being controlled by masses and not having individualism, even while forcing others to conform, is an irony many willingly admit and agree with through that paternal view: I can be contradictory and demand free speech without consequence while telling you to stop with threats of government/legal action, but you can’t. There is a paternalism that stems from privilege and religion. It is exhausting to combat. It says drug users need to be locked up because it’s what’s best for them; it says abortion is wrong because I believe in a soul, because I am Christian, because my church says there is a soul present, and so my religion says it is wrong, therefore I want it illegal because of that and I know what is best for women. It says girls who are assaulted asked for it because paternalism requires a solid foundation of black-and-white truths in order to determine right or wrong and good or bad. That mentality struggles to see grey, to understand their own biases and why the political language matters in the first place.

This means it is often in favor of other black-or-white extremes such as strict gender roles, anti LGBTQ+, or anything else like race that involves a spectrum of identity values rather than a scale of one side or another. This also means there is more room for conspiracy and ungrounded theory to fill in, because a black-or-white mentality demands explanations for things it can no longer explain through the denial of spectrums – if you look at the color purple and have to decide if it’s red or blue and those are your only options, you have to have a reason to put it one place or the other, but regardless of the reason, both may be true since color doesn’t exist on a one-or-the-ther scale but a spectrum. This means there are reasons for their way of thinking, but they are often not logical or expressible in language that makes sense or discourse that can be dissected; it is devoid of introspection and often projects and lashes out at language and the way something is presented rather than the thing itself. Learning to get around that with simple examples of context and explanations that don’t rely on academic language is crucial to communicating with some people.

6. Being an ally is not easy, you have to listen and be willing to fail and grow.

I was ignorant at first, when talking to POC friends (and probably still am in some ways). I didn’t understand that I was unfamiliar, as a white person talking about racism and social issues, until a POC friend confided that they’ve never heard a white person capable of talking about race or understanding the complexities of the scale before. Suddenly I understood the generalization that white people are stupid and privileged. We built a bridge between us, simply by being open to a conversation about race, and then by later realizing and respecting that my openness will be challenged at first, because the majority of experiences for my own POC friends at the time were white people being ignorant or dismissive of race. I am not infallible, I make mistakes, but looking at how and why is the part that matters, and realizing that I also represent an experience and a race, and that I also have expectations, was an important moment for me. Understanding the balance of influence and being able to face it without the intent to take, but with the intent to understand, is important. Starting from the understanding that we all have biases, we are all racist based on our context in the sense that we judge people to protect ourselves, and that skin is a visible marker we often use for culture and heritage, we begin understand race’s role in modern society, and then we can talk about it.

I will also admit this was a point of pride for me. I am white, but I tan well and have dark wavy hair and my grandparents are immigrants so I know my heritage cultures. I have been mistaken for many ethnicities based on my location and other identity markers like clothing and body language, which initially made it easier for me to personally talk about race with others without waiting for permission, because I can relate. White women have walked up and grabbed my hair before, I have been in embarrassing situations where I didn’t match the expected environment or was judged for not properly coding-switching my language. I have been the only white person in many rooms, growing up in a black neighborhood; I have experience with poverty and was on the same free hot-lunch programs as my neighbors, and we avoided the same corners and colors together; I have been accused of trying too hard and not enough, talked to in random languages on the street with expected understanding, and I have a conservative family to remind me over and over again how hard I had to work at building this mentality and how oddly lucky I am that the world around me and my own curiosity made me constantly question those views.

It’s important to choose your battles and learn from your mistakes, to recognize your growth, to question and doubt yourself, but one of the most important things I’ve come to learn about being white and talking about race with POC is the ability to empathize without needing to relate. You don’t need permission to talk about race. You are one. Everything I said about my experiences just now? At the end of the day, I learned, none of it matters. It doesn’t matter where I grew up or what my experiences are, because I can’t relate to everything and knowing the limits is important. But the other side of that is knowing how to relate to the end emotion with empathy, even in your limitations. You can’t relate with everything and that’s true for everyone, but you can try to understand people and their emotion, you can empathize without first-hand experience by being vulnerable.

Many conversations that I’ve had with white people involve the insistence that they are more than white, like what I just did above, to prove that I can have a seat at the table: look at all these exceptions I have, validate my experience. That’s not important, and I’ve found time and time again that white people (myself included at one point) value that, first out of fear of being insensitive and racist, but also out of a fear of being rejected and invalidated. The best conversations I’ve had with POC about race had to start with me validating myself and my own experiences with an open mind, ready to understand theirs.

If you are white and you look to join or start a conversation about race with validation from others, that’s not starting from vulnerability or the potential that you’re wrong, it’s starting with the expectation that they give you something, and that never invites understanding or sincerity from either side. You have to be willing to learn and be wrong and know where you stand on your own, with your own validation, before you can begin to talk with others about their experiences or understand and empathize and grow.

You have to be willing to shine a light instead of be the voice. The best example I have of this is the 1968 Black Power salute. Sympathetic to the cause of fellow athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos, Peter Norman, the bronze medalist and a white Australian, asked what he could do and he listened. They asked him not to raise his fist. In solidarity, he wore a pin, opening himself up to the harsh criticism of conservatives at the time. He was willing to suffer the backlash without demanding a role in the symbol, and I think that by doing that, he shows how to be an ally, how to talk about racism and listen and understand the meanings behind things. When Peter Norman died, Tommie Smith and John Carlos were pallbearers at his funeral, and I think that says a lot about friendship and alliance. Sometimes, you can’t relate to POC experiences, but you can listen, and you can understand.

7. Fear is the root.

Fear of sharing, of not having enough, of being tricked or taken advantage of. It is manufactured and created through our own context bubbles and media, and some of it is naturally culminated because of those propagating pieces, so people think it’s okay, that their racism is important, that it protects them.

We fear unfamiliar things, but pointing out to people that they are the ones who are ignorant and naive is tricky. The psychology that makes people deny and exist on a black-vs-white spectrum is nearly 100% a protection from feeling out of control, based on fears and a lack of personal context. Meaning that the most racist and judgmental people often rarely see people who are different from them in skin color (or when they are different in skin color, they blend in economic class or religion, etc.). They don’t have context to things outside of themselves, their familiarity is limited.

This is where the issues of white people thinking all [insert any minority here] “look alike.” Because of their lack of context, the key traits they notice are those in contrast to other white people rather than other people in general; rather than noticing a pointed chin or square face, a heavy brow or long nose, a white person without diverse contexts of faces or people might simply notice skin complexion or epicanthic folds and nothing else, they might not even consider body shape, because they are around other people of diverse shapes and heights. This is not an excuse, it’s sad, but it helped me understand where to start several conversations with racist people ranting about race, by considering their own lack of personal context. Starting with race being a cultural construct often, in my experience, does not work here, though I often found myself starting there and working backwards until I learned more about fear and politics and how people use them together to retain control in their lives.

Explaining how minority cultures are “good” can help, but often there is that rebounding psychology that says familiar is good, unfamiliar = bad. The fear of losing the majority, the upper-hand, the paternalist authority of determining right/wrong based on their views and forcing assimilation on others is deep-seated and rampantly unconscious, and that’s the dangerous part. In some conversations a simple “oh, you’re scared of losing your power” has changed an already-introspective person for the better in such an epiphany moment that reaffirms starting at the very basics with many white people - do you recognize that you have power here? And in many cases they recognize the existence of privilege but not the details of it, discussing those details can also add important context. But fear often makes people reluctant to understand, so looking at their own fears can be a place to start.

There is also a fear of losing parts of the self. For some white people, their travels or appropriative behaviors are the most interesting things about them (according to them), and so the idea of talking about race becomes a conversation challenging their own identities, which encompasses a fear of losing those identities. This is a tricky road for me, because I understand the exciting allure of learning new things and exploring new cultures. I think I can be susceptible to exoticism and tokenism, but that’s also what makes it important to talk about, because I challenge myself at the same time. That becomes a conversation about intent and meaning and culture, and I think it’s important to remember, as a white person talking to other white people, that you do not wear a badge of honor giving you permission to accuse and assume.

It can be easy to generalize and build assumptions about people, but there are other white people willing to talk about race, there are people who look white and are not at all, and by assuming people’s fears or intentions or consequences, you can easily become the asshole. For example: shamefully, I will admit that I talked to a “white girl” who was really into yoga once, and I made an internal judgement about her, but in conversation, it came up that she grew up in India, speaks Hindi and a bunch of other languages, and works as a translator. That was embarrassing for me, though I never said anything out loud, and I think that’s important too – that we analyze our internal judgements and think about them. I spent some time thinking about my initial judgement, what changed, and what I considered “acceptable” appropriation or identifiable appropriation and “acceptable” displays of culture and value, and I found that it’s complicated. It’s important to be aware of ourselves and not fall into a self-righteousness that ends up demanding to be the voice of others, but to listen and have conversations with those around us.

8. Context matters part II.

Talking proud white people through the history of European cultures before Rome, and explaining their own heritage, if available, has continually seen those white Americans stop and question what they know of their history and timeline. Talking about tribes and clans and nomadic groups, basically anything during the Roman Empire that wasn’t Rome, has forced many people to pause and question what they know of empire and colonization and conquest and all that they know of “right” and “good” and resource stockpiling, because suddenly there is a before, where they had only ever learned of the after.

Positioning their own heritage in a perspective that adamantly opposes the idea that guns and colonization were a natural progression of society, and instead asks why and answers: because they were built to invade and take, has made many people pause, and others simply nod and say yes, and that’s why it’s mine now. Which is chilling and frustrating, but does shed light on where to go next. Many white Americans were taught history in the context of victories and kings and presidents and drama, not slavery, servitude, or lives of normal people. Positioning their heritage as one of a conquered people enslaved by Rome suddenly has them questioning that same story they learned about the Trail of Tears and Native American history. And those moments of questioning, of being offered new information that challenges their familiar order of thoughts and cultural context, that can make all the difference.

9. People look different for #reasons.

The single most efficient tool that I have found to really make a difference in the way people see other people is educating them on what the differences mean. Because, in the same way that understanding why someone hurt you makes forgiving them easier, understanding why someone looks different from you makes seeing them as a whole easier.

Explaining to people things like: how skin color works, what it does to protect us, how history and culture and things like slavery and migration impact it, how hair works, what coils, kinks, and curls do for heat dispersion, what big lips or rounded jaws or epicanthic folds or big noses or curvy booties mean, how a human population’s general shape is impacted by their environment, and that it’s ALL IN THE NAME OF THERMOREGULATION, has made so many people go “oh wow, I never knew that, that’s so cool!” And suddenly skin color, hair texture, body shape, etc. are not longer a single reflection of a person’s culture or heritage, but an organ their body is using to maintain their health and keep them alive.

Telling someone that, based on genetic diversity of populations and a bunch of other stuff like migration and cultural mating habits, they are more likely to find a doppelgänger that looks most like them in another race, has also helped. Out of all your human traits and phenotypic markers, you are more likely to find another human with your similar body/face shapes and structure, but with a different skin color. Showing people these pictures and talking about two friends I had in college who looked exactly alike but one was from Afghanistan and the other from Mexico generally gets people interested in looking at people more intently.

[Note: sometimes it can be harder to find obvious pictures of women/LGBTQ+ individuals with different-race doppelgängers because of the use of makeup, cultural expectations of beauty, and general oppression and erasure of minority cultures, POC, and women, so these are mostly white men who look like other men.]

There you go, some observations about talking about race with white people as a white person. This is all I can do right now, in the midst of the suffering and grief, the fear and continual horror. A few observations stitched together, a little encouragement, some hot tips that have worked for me, and a whole lot of defeated sighing that I know isn’t fair. At the end of the day, I know it’s not all I can do, that it is what I can do. It is a position I take up because I know how easily I can walk through the door of the “white club,” and I have accepted the responsibility of stirring it up and getting people talking about social issues like racism.

It’s a strange thing, to automatically belong and hate it, to not fit an ideology but be expected to from the outside; I suspect we’ve all felt that one way or another, since it’s the subject of pretty much every popular franchise and story, it has to resonate in a big way somehow. So I know I’m not alone there, I know we’re all exhausted and feeling that there is no progress, that there’s nothing to do, that talking isn’t enough, that we’re stuck inside while people outside are suffering and there’s not a goddamned thing we can do, but it’s a lie.

We can talk to people. It takes a long time, and you can be tired, and you can be down about it, and you can be frustrated, but it matters, so you can’t give up. The urging of white people to talk to other white people is important. It makes a difference. You might not see it right away, but it matters.

If you keep at it, you’ll see some of the changes you can make: one day, that racist person starts to tell a joke and you see them stop and think for a minute and then say “you know, actually maybe that’s inappropriate.” Or you see that racist person start to get uncomfortable around their racist friends, or they start asking more complex questions about society, their opinions take longer to form, they ask for sources on information, they slowly grow more comfortable talking about social topics. There are some people I’ve been talking to regularly about this stuff for over a decade and they have not changed in anyway, but in the process of talking to them, in person or on social media, people around them noticed and began to think and question, messaging me to talk more or to say thank you. Changes happen, and people change.... slowly.

It can be scary to talk to white people about race, but if you are white, it is what you can do. Because no matter how you feel about it, at the end of the day, you walk in the door of the white club unbarred. That is a privilege, and that’s what people mean when they say “use your privilege.”

I hope this helps someone a little bit, because even though I keep at it, even though I know it’s what I can do, it still feels like all I can do, and it never feels like enough.

#racism #race #identity #culture #society #anthropology #cultural anthropology #observations #white people #philosophy #psychology #fear #privilege #white privilege #social science

53 notes · View notes

overtureofchaos · 4 years ago

Text

When Things Change

I was asked by several people to post this one shot on Tumblr. It is also on my Wattpad profile. This is my first attempt at a Y/N one shot, so I hope you enjoy it.

Plot: You and Carisi have been roommates for years, but after a near-death experience, everything changes.

Starts after the events of 18x7

Content: sex, violence, mentions of rape. All mild.

As you stood looking down at the pregnancy test, your stomach flipped more that you thought it ever could. Throwing up in the morning was one thing but this was where the rubber hit the road. It was not just some bug; you had a baby in you. His baby. You could ask yourself how it happened but at the end of the day you knew full well how it happened. Though you and your roommate had long been friends with benefits, mostly on bad nights or heavy cases or around test days, Sonny had already passed the bar so for him the super stressful school days were over. For you though, you were still plugging along trying hard to get your nursing degree. Thankfully you were in clinicals now, but the days were long and sometimes unforgiving. Back when he was still in school you two would have long nights studying and grilling each other. Sometimes those nights would end with a romp but Sonny always used a condom. Not the last time though. Something shifted that day. Not that you two were in love or anything like that, but something in his attitude and mentality.

The day had been normal for you. School, and the afternoon at the coffee shop. That didn’t pay much and with reduced hours, there was a need for more money. You could not let Sonny pay for everything so you took on a side gig in the evenings that seemed easy enough. Before the night in question, Sonny told you about this case where one of the possible witnesses was a professional cuddler. It sounded so ludacris but you kept thinking to yourself it was definitely something you could do and you found her services online, went for an interview and was hired. The job paid well and currently did not have any negative effects on your life. The extra money was nice and because Sonny was always so busy at work he never questioned where your money for bills was coming from. You were not doing anything illegal or even explicit.

Sometimes his days were very long and he would come back tired or cranky or not in the mood to even conversate. That seemed to be more often than usual now. He’d expressed early on a crush on his partner, which was fine because even though the two of you had sex you were not in any way romantically involved. There was no heart in it, just bodies - just sex. He’d had some god-awful cases over the past year or so - someone on his squad died, they’d chased two different serial killers, a cold case serial rapist… the work he did was terrifying but no matter what you two remained the best of friends and could always lean on each other if you just needed to vent.

That particular night, he came in later in the afternoon. Hearing the door, you yelled out but no one responded so you got a little freaked. “Sonny? That better be you!” Nothing. Poking your head out from your room slowly to access the situation you saw your closest friends ever standing in the living room nearly catatonic. How he got home was beyond you. There was blood on his face and in his hairline. Slowly you approached with your hands up and out just in case he wasn’t really connected to reality. Knowing his job was dangerous was something you had long ago settled with. He ran the risk everyday of getting hurt or killed but he loved his job and he was great at it. You could do nothing but respect him for the risks he took day to day to keep both you and the city safe. The closer you got you could see there was blood on his shirt and tie and right on him there was something in his hair. Being a nursing student that had considered working in an ER you recognized the mass as brain matter.

Your expression dropped away. “Holy shit, Sonny. What happened to you?” He did not answer you. Slowly you eased him onto the coffee table. Normally you would yell at him for sitting on the coffee table but all the years you two had lived together you knew his favorite places to sit were tables. Easily three times a week you would snap at him about the perfectly good sofa he could be resting his ass on. He would just smirk like a dick and stay on the table. Or he would stand and thrust his hands into his pockets. The man was happier about pockets than any woman ever could be. He’d flaunt them like nothing else. Unsure what to do you knew he would have been checked out at the scene of whatever happened; surely this was work related. Either way you went to the kitchen and filled a bowl with warm water and grabbed a rag to clean him up. He just sat there staring out the window not responding to anything you were doing. He did, however, let you lead him.

After cleaning his face up, you walked him to his bedroom and started removing his clothes. To hopefully arouse some interest in his current situation, with every button you spoke out what you were doing and rare as it was, you were thankful he was not wearing a three-piece today of all days. You made him sit on the bed and removed his shoes and shimmied him out of his slacks and gently forced him back on the bed. He still had not said a single word. Because you’d lived together for years, you did have the numbers of everyone in his unit and thought very seriously about reaching out to his lieutenant, but if this was not work related you didn’t want to get him in trouble. Sonny would need to tell you what to do. He just laid there, so you left him and took his clothing to clean out any blood and hopefully salvage the shirt and tie. About an hour passed before you decided to check back on him. He had not moved an inch.

The only thing you could think to do was give him some human interaction. Your newly discovered cuddling skills came into play so you stripped down to your tank and undies - to match his attire - and crawled onto the bed in front of him, letting him be the big spoon. It was a good thing no one was working that night because you fell asleep to the sound of his breath steadying on your neck. About maybe four in the morning, you finally felt him stir. His arms wrapped around you and pulled you closer and before long he was rolling you toward him so he could see your face. He hesitated but finally spoke, choking a little on his words, they were rife with emotions.

“Y/N, thank you. You didn’t have to do all that. I mean, I appreciate all of it.”

Clearly he comprehended what you had done for him so it was nice to see he hadn’t had a complete mental break. “Sonny, what happened?” You whispered softly, cupping his cheek. “You had blood on you and, uh, brain?” How do you say that without setting him off again, but the two of you have always been able to speak candidly with each other.

“We had to go to Jersey. This cop had kidnapped a girl and we knew he had her but it was just Lieu and I. I found her in the house but he was in there too and he, uh, he put a gun right to my head. I thought he was going to kill me, Y/N. He maybe would have if Lieu hadn’t shown up when she did. No hesitation, she shot him. In the head. I was able to stay composed when I was with her but the moment I was alone, I couldn’t help but realize I could have died today. And if Mike hadn’t died? I don’t know that Lieu would have been so vigilant, ya know?”

Hearing what he’d been through you could not help but feel those similar emotions. He was still distraught and with you he didn’t have to save face. There was no need for that squad room bravado here. He could be as stripped and bare as he needed to be. He had always allowed the same with you. As close as you were in this moment you were not expecting what happened next. The two of you had sex before but it was always playful, why-the-hell-not kind of sex. It was never romantic and he’d always used to condom. Hell, after you always went to separate bedrooms, so even lying in each other's arms was different, but maybe that contributed. First he kissed you, then he took over and you let him. It wasn’t just sex that night. You felt like you’d made love but never would you admit that to Sonny’s face.

You would; however, tell your closest workmate (B/F) what happened. They knew that you and Sonny fooled around every once in a while and also knew that you cared about him. When you want more from someone, it is usually easier for someone else to see than yourself. Denial is an excellent camouflage. The weeks after things change a little between the two of you. There was a lot more touching and a lot more texts making sure each other were okay. But there was no more sex and you started to think it was just different that one night and things would eventually feel normal again. Pushing down your growing feelings for your roommate was nothing new. That was until you started feeling queasy in the morning.

At work, you walked straight up to B/F and pulled them aside. “I think I’m pregnant.”

B/F just stared at you blankly for a minute before responding. “Like with a baby?”

You couldn’t help but smack them in the arm. “What? Of course with a baby. I can’t have a giraffe. JC, Mary and Joseph, B/F. What am I gonna do?”

“I am assuming this is from your passionate romp with Son-Son? I mean you haven’t said you’ve been with anyone else since the night he almost died, right?” B/F could be a real ass sometimes but no matter what they kept things real. “I mean, Detective Hottie would be a good dad, right? You’re not thinking you’d, you know?” Twirling their finger around insinuating an abortion.

“What? No! Come on, but I mean, I haven’t taken a test yet, so I still need to confirm but I have to do it first thing in the morning. You break before me today. If I give you some cash will you run to the bodega and grab me a test? Please?”

All B/F could do was laugh. “You got it, Y/N. I would do anything for you. Besides, I want to know so I need to be on this journey with you, girl.”

Now, test in hand - more precisely, test in shaking hand, that big plus sign was screaming at you. You could hear Sonny in the kitchen making coffee and probably breakfast. Swallowing you buried the test in the trash, sent B/F a quick text saying it was positive, and then hopped in the shower. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Sonny to come in while you were in there or you when he was, but given there was that screaming gem in the garbage your body tensed the moment you heard him walk in. “Hey, Y/N, where is my green dress shirt? The darker one. Didn’t it come back from the cleaners?”

Relaxing a little you continued to shower,”Yes, it should be in your closest. I picked it up yesterday.”

“It’s not though, I already looked.”

Knowing how out of it you were the day before you bit into your lip thankful Sonny could not see your face. “Check my closet then? I mean, I could have accidentally hung it in mine. I’m not perfect.”

You heard him leave and then yell out to you though you could not make out what he said before he returned. “Bingo. Wow, you know, I never realized how organized you are. I like it.” Next thing I know he is pulling the curtain back and smiling like an idiot. Your first reaction was to cover yourself knowing full well he’d not only seen but explored every part of your body. Still casual sex versus this you were taken aback. Furling your brow you tried not to smile, “Can I help you, detective?” So busy looking at his face you didn’t see he wasn’t dressed until he climbed in the shower with you.

“What the hell, Sonny?” He pulled you close to him and the skin on skin contact made your breath catch. He wasn’t some big strapping hunk all muscle bound, but he was perfect in so many ways. In a suit he looked skinny, but there was enough there to hold onto. There was just enough chest hair to not be gross - not overly hairy and not under hairy like a boy. Lanky suited him. Only 6 feet tall he had the longest thighs you’d ever seen on a man from hip to knee. You thought he was well proportioned everywhere that mattered.

He turned you around and pulled your hair off to the side to gain access to your neck. Even though there were moderate grunts of protest your body was fully responding to his touch. Your back arched and you could feel him hard against you while his hand gripped your hip and forced you closer, his other found your rock hard nipples and started playing with them just before you had to brace yourself against the shower wall. He was in you, kissing and nibbling on your back and neck and with each of his thrusts forward you rocked back in turn. His had left your nipple and made its way down to your clit, sure it was pulsating under his lengthy fingers. The two of you never had shower sex before but if this is what it was like you were willing every day. Holding you close as your body let go, the orgasm he gave you made you nearly collapse. He was soon to follow and it took a few minutes for either of you to recover.

You turned to him with a shit-eating grin and lightly smacked his chest. “What the fuck was that all about? I mean, I am not complaining but it seems out of character. You okay?”

All he could do was kiss you. “You were taking too long and I need to get ready for work too here. I mean, if you’re going to be a shower hog,” he shrugged and pursed his lips as he forced you to change positions with him with a laugh. Now he was under the water, soap in hand.

“So being a shower hog means I get that? Geez, Carisi, I will hog the shower every day then. You aren’t buying yourself free bathroom time.” You returned the laughter and got out of the shower trying your hardest to not glance at the waste basket. Had he seen it? Is that why he was so fucking giddy? Either way, you had class and were gone before he was even out of the shower. The day was long and trying to decide how to tell him was the hardest thing you’d ever encountered. This was a life changer. Kids. Sonny was a proud uncle and godfather, but a father? Like children of his own? On top of that with a woman he lived with and did not love. What would his mother say? Or worse, think of you? Certainly Mrs. Carisi would be overjoyed to have another grandbaby and one from her only son, no less, but Sonny’s dad was a jerk. The two of you spent many nights over the years talking about their parents and even meeting each other’s families, friends and co-workers. People found it hard to believe there was never more between the two of you but aside from very casual sex things had been very much a friendship until he almost got killed.

Walking into work there was definitely a bit of a pep in your step that morning. Had you only taken the pregnancy test, chances were you would feel queasy all day long and not just these morning blahs created by the growing baby Carisi. But Sonny was completely on point this morning and that made you smile enough for B/F to notice. Immediately they came over to you, “Girl, you are glowing! Tell me, tell me. I mean I saw your text but he must have been happy as hell for you to be floating like this!”

Their giddiness was infectious. “Stop it!” You giggled as you pulled them into the back room. “No, I didn’t tell Sonny at all. I think I would have, but he was in a mood this morning. He came into the bathroom several times when I was showering which isn’t out of the ordinary, but he crawled into the shower with me and damn, B/F” You clutched your chest and took a deep breath.

B/F raised a brow. “The shower? Like damn, what has gotten into him lately? He can’t get enough of you girl. It’s that man's prowess. He knows you’re pregnant even if he doesn’t know it. You’re sexier to him and he can’t get enough of you. But seriously, when are you gonna tell him for real?” That was not a question you had an answer for.

Thankfully, in the nicest sense, Sonny caught a case that kept him working, something about a nanny kidnapping the boy she watched because she didn’t like the woman she worked for. That was scary because there were so many nannies in New York City. Would you two have to pay for a nanny? Would that be a question? Your mind said you were not fixing this. There was a baby in existence and that child deserved to live and even if Sonny didn’t love you the way a man should love a child’s mother he would certainly love his kid. That man was way too Catholic to want anything other than the child. Your biggest concern right now was did he already know? You’d thrown the trash down the shoot and the test was still in there. Sonny was just acting weird.

When he finally came home you were sitting at the table doing school work. You said hello but kept studying, trying to get a feel for his mood. Jumping up and running to greet him had never been your way and a couple of crazy encounters shouldn’t change that. He set down his keys, badge and gun; took off his coat and then his wallet. This was his routine and nothing had changed. He was telling you how the case went and how they found the boy safe and unharmed and it was crazy how far people would go to prove they were right. They could break every law and still not feel deserving of the consequences. Then onto the couch. “Hey, Y/N, come here a sec, would ya?”

Tapping your pencil on your notebook, there was seriousness in his voice that raised concern. So you walked around the couch expecting to take his seat on the coffee table but instead he pulled you onto his lap, forcing your legs apart so you were straddling him. Your back arched again. All these years and though you’d found him attractive, these past few weeks were different. Sexiness came from how affectionate he was, or could be, and the man oozed it. He pulled you in for a kiss before talking. “We’ve been doing that a lot lately. Everything okay? I mean it sounded like you guys did good. Saved the child?”

“Yeah, I mean, life is pretty good. I’ve just been thinking. You and me, I know we go way back but here recently I can’t help but think we’re really good together, right? I mean, you could see it if you tried right? Being, maybe, more than just friends? Just roommates?”

That shot a jolt of fear through you. And concern. Had he discovered the test and now he was just trying to do what was right? It was one thing to know you were undoubtedly falling head over heels for this guy but to entrap him with a baby was a totally different scenario. He had every right to be a part of his child’s life but should never be forced into a loveless relationship and neither of you had ever professed your love. Great sex was not love and sadly, making babies together was not love either. Even though he could probably see that expression of fear all over your face, you tried hard to play it off. “Seriously, we share a couple of earth shaking orgasms and now you want to take a stab at forever, Sonny? Don’t be so mean.”

“I am serious,” he said, visibly hurt by your words. Almost that look a man would have if he proposed and then was rejected. Had you made him feel rejected?

“Come on, Sonny, how long have we been friends. You cannot be serious. That is just, well, it’s a little ridiculous. And insulting.” You feverishly were trying to protect your heart here, not knowing if this was the right time to spring the baby on him or even figure out if he knew. If you had to guess you were fishing for the latter. As you started to rise off his lap, what came next was not expected in the least. His nostrils flared a little and despite not being a big, bulky man, he was strong. He gripped your arms and threw you off to the side, landing on the couch. He’d actually hurt you. Was he so butt hurt that you didn’t take his seriously that he was willing to hurt you?

“Ouch, Sonny, that fucking hurt! You asshole!”

But he was up and on his feet now pacing. “That hurt? You landed on the sofa, Y/N. And, and, I’m an asshole? What about you? I put it out there, my heart on the line and you what, you just laugh at me like this is a big fucking joke? Good enough to live with, good enough to fuck but nothing else, huh? You don’t think I could take care of you?” He was screaming and you should have appeared visibly frightened to him. Something you think would make him stop but the only explanation you had in your head was he knew you were pregnant and this rejection was too much to handle. Sonny had yelled before around you but never laid hands on you and even though he hadn’t hit you your arms were still throbbing from his grip.

Dumbstruck, your own anger rose to the surface. “One second you are telling me you think we’d be great together and the next you’re tossing me around like afucking ragdoll because, what? I didn’t think you were serious? I deserved for you to lash out at me like that? You’re acting like your dad, Dominick.” You spit those words out with way more vitriol that you’d planned. Sonny tried so hard to be anything but Dominick Carisi the Senior and yet here you were fighting with him because his temper got the better of him. His face grayed. If not taking him seriously about a relationship hit a nerve, that statement must have set all of them on fire.

“What the hell did you just say to me?” He took a step forward and stopped but his finger was pointing at you and there were tears building in both your eyes. He looked pissed still but more hurt than upset.

Trying your damnedest to stand your ground. “You really think I would be okay with this behavior? You don’t love me, Sonny. You picked me up and threw me like I was nothing. I don’t give a shit what kind of man I thought you were, I can’t have this baby. And have to deal with that temper, all the time? Is that what this is? Like, make me love you and then you just turn into your father? I will not lie down for you. Fuck you. I’m leaving. I’m gonna go to B/F’s place. You can stay here and wonder what the hell just happened. I’m out.” You stormed off to your room, shaking and crying and could not find your phone before you realized it was still on the table with all your books. “Fuck,” you muttered. You two had never had an argument. Not once in nearly five years. Trying your best to calm down you pulled your gym bag out of the closet and broke down in tears.

Sonny, on the other hand, was now standing alone in the living room trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. He’d thought all day about you and how there was a shift and about your past together and it all seemed so crazy that he had not realized sooner he’d fallen for you. Amanda had teased him before about it but no matter how many times he heard it from other people he’d never been able to admit it. But then he almost died and thinking deeply about the people he loved or even the people that would be upset had he been killed, you were right there in the forefront, even before his mother and sisters. The detective part of his brain kicked into overdrive. On the way home he’d worked himself up thinking there was no way that a girl like you could ever love a guy like him. The sex was great and really, everything else seemed great too, so why not see where it could go. Getting angry was the last thing he’d thought about and yet here he was exploding with emotion and so raw.

You’d equated him to his father, which is the last man in the world Sonny ever wanted to be compared to. You overreacted and said he’d thrown you when all he was trying to do was get you off him and if he did that too harshly he was sorry, but his heart was breaking because he swear you’d said something about a baby? And not just a generic statement but the words ‘this baby’ as in an already existing child? And then the comparison to his father? That was a low blow but was it because you were pregnant? His confusion was too much. Taking a breath, a big one, he went to your room and knocked on the door before opening it.

You were curled on the bed crying. Sonny walked around, hands up and started talking like he would to a rape victim at work. “We need to talk. And you have every right to be mad at me, Y/N, you do, but you can’t shut me out like this. Not after what you said out there.”

Eyes burning you found the courage to look at his face. “I know, Sonny. It was unfair of me to compare you to your father, and I am sorry. But I have never seen you that angry and you have never treated me that way. I am totally caught off guard by it.” Sitting up, you grabbed a pillow and pulled it close to your body, squeezing it like a child would a teddy bear. “What is going on with you? Lately you have been so different.”

“It’s not obvious?” He asked, confused.

“Obvious? The only thing obvious here is that we just had a major blow up and I am not sure we can come back from this.”

“Don’t you think we have to? I mean we should, right?” He nodded in your direction but you were not putting two and two together.

“What do you mean we have to?”

Sonny had always been really great and knowing when a woman was pregnant given just how much time he’d spent around women. His baby sisters, his partner - every time they were pregnant, Sonny knew. How had he missed it with you?

“Y/N, you said out there, I can’t have this baby… you’re pregnant. And you didn’t tell me? Were you going to? Cause I am so confused.”

There would be no way Sonny would miss the color leaving your face. You said that out loud? Holy shit. You were upset and not thinking, but that was not the way you wanted Sonny to hear about it. Somehow you thought you would not have to tell him, that he would know and just ask you and then you could answer honestly. Instead, you spewed it out in a hateful, over-dramatic way because you didn’t think he could seriously ever love you despite how much he had changed over the past few weeks. You loved Sonny and deep down you knew it and were too afraid to admit it and then finding out you were having his baby you also knew you didn’t feel worthy enough to be the mother of his child.

Choking back your emotions you began to speak slowly and as steadily as you possibly could. “Sonny, I, um…”

He moved to sit on the bed with you, calm as ever, the man you knew you loved. “I am so sorry I scared you. That is not who I am, Y/N and I hope you know that, but this is big and we do need to at least talk about this. I mean, you didn’t mean it did you? You wouldn’t get rid of the baby, would you?”

“No! It’s just, I found out last week the morning you came into the shower. You were acting so unlike you and I thought you’d seen the box or the test and I am still not sure why you haven’t asked about it? I just thought you were acting differently because you knew. And then you’re asking me out there if we should be a thing and that we work great together and I felt like because you had to know that you were only asking me because I am pregnant and not because you really love me or want to be with me or us. Then you got angry and I have never seen you so angry, not once and I must be the reason right? Me or the baby or both?” By time you were done with the hysterical rant you were practically out of breath.

All Sonny could do was smile. He felt like a total ass for allowing his temper to get the better of him. “Did I hurt you out there? I mean, I know I hurt you, but are you hurt, like needing to go to the hospital hurt?” All you could do was nod no. “Okay, I want to put it out there that I didn’t know. I have been acting so differently because when Cole tried to kill me, my world changed. I have been shot at and I know the job is dangerous, but literally my life flashed before my eyes. And on the way home, once I was alone, I had time to think about everything I would be leaving behind and how much I would miss you. And then you took care of me and I realized how you really always have. You work two jobs,” he smiled that beautiful, crooked smile, “Yeah, don’t think I don’t know about the cuddling thing. Either way. You pick up my dry cleaning, you were my biggest cheerleader when I was at Fordham. You’re everything, Y/N. So, yeah, things were different that night and I wasn’t sure how to tell you without freaking you out.”

You started laughing through the falling tears. His words were sweet and you knew that moment of upset was just as much a misunderstanding as it was a shock to both you. Sonny was not Dominick - never had been, never would be. This whole thing was a moment in time, two people who’d fallen in love and were too afraid to admit it. “Our child is going to be born talking, isn’t it?”

You both laughed. The tears in his eyes were those of joy. He pointed and you nodded before he crawled up on the bed the rest of the way, beside you, and took you into his arms.

“I love you, Y/N. I promise I will never, ever lash out like that again. Will you promise me something though?”

Looking up into his eyes, “I love you too, Sonny. And I am sorry I didn’t just tell you. What do you want me to promise?”

“That the next time there is something THIS big, you tell me?”

“I promise.”

#my writing #sonny carisi #y/n #one shot #svu

6 notes · View notes

mrchalamet-mrstyles · 4 years ago

Link

*A MUST READ:*

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart never broke up. Indeed, their split was merely a distraction for the press that would guarantee the former Twilight stars privacy. In the interim period, where Pattinson got engaged to FKA Twigs and Stewart dated a series of women, including St. Vincent, the pair were actually living in wedded bliss. Their PR game was so effective that it helped to hide no fewer than two pregnancies for Stewart. Now, the Pattinson-Stewart family are happy together, laughing at the ignorance of the press and public who believe they broke up years ago and moved onto fulfilling and happy relationships with other people.

Of all the weird celebrity conspiracies that pollute the internet, the Robsten fandom may be my favourite one. It has everything: Press conspiracies, outlandish theories that would put Moon landing truthers to shame, the inability to tell reality from fiction, and of course, bad photoshops. Every now and then, when I see Pattinson and Stewart in the headlines, I go and visit the tin-hatters’ sites for that potent combination of entertainment and fear for my life. It’s astounding that they’re still keeping up this façade.

As time passes, I wonder more and more if they truly believe it or if they’re going full My Immortal with the scam. It’s too outlandish to be real, yet the emotions behind it clearly are.

Sadly, this is nothing new for the world of shippers, nor is it limited to the breeding pair of Twilight. Name a prominent pop culture property and the chances are there are hardcore shippers whose interest goes beyond a fizzy hobby. Some fans truly believe that Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson are a real couple, which is hysterical because their chemistry levels in the Fifty Shades series are sub-zero. The stars of Outlander face the same shippers. Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss are secret lesbian lovers, according to a subset of their fandom. Cate Blanchett will eventually leave her husband and children for Carol co-star Rooney Mara, thus freeing her from an exploitative bearding relationship with Joaquin Phoenix. The Larry fandom have yet to admit defeat, even as both Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson admit the fan delusions over their supposed secret romance hurt their real-life friendship. The Supernatural guys may never shake those conspiracies.

It isn’t all romance related either. Spare a thought for poor Benedict Cumberbatch, whose already overzealous fan-base includes a portion of people who think he was trapped into marriage and fatherhood by his wife, who they paint as the modern-day iteration of Medea. They don’t even think his kids are real. Apparently, one of them is clearly a doll.

I could go on, listing the many other fandoms I’ve come across with these near identical conspiracies of secret relationships, hidden children, public relations bullying, and so on. From Scandal to Orange is the New Black to The Hunger Games, it’s as big a part of fandom as cosplay and dirty fanfiction. A lot of the time, the celebrities being obsessed over don’t even know it’s happening.

If they call it out, as Robert Pattinson did, or mock it, like Armie Hammer recently did on Instagram after someone DM-d him to claim he should be gay like his character in Call Me By Your Name, then they write that off as simply proving their point. The majority of fans deride and condemn this behaviour, partly because it reflects badly on everyone else but mostly because it’s blatant bullshit that should be treated as such. What is most striking about these myriad conspiracies is how eerily similar they all are in terms of tone and content.

The basic set-up for a tin-hatter shipping conspiracy is thus: The pair are in love, the pair are in a serious relationship, but they have to hide it from the world because of ‘evil PR’. The nature of this shadowy public relations organization is never made clear. It’s mostly rooted in conjecture and a hazy understanding of how the entertainment industry has worked over the decades.

Historically, publicists and studios have operated with a certain degree of shadiness. In the Golden Era of Hollywood, where studios reigned supreme, a star’s image could be kept on a tight leash and their indiscretions hidden from the public. Fixers like Eddie Mannix (made famous in the Coen Brothers’ movie Hail, Caesar!) could clear up all manner of problems if the occasion called for it. Pregnancies could be hidden, illegal abortions procured, marriages annulled or concealed, and even the occasional murder dealt with (allegedly). We know this stuff happened, and we know that today, publicists do a lot of work to keep their clients happy. That probably doesn’t extend so far as to covering up marriages and multiple pregnancies and fake babies.

The psychologies behind these tin-hatter conspiracies tend to be remarkably similar too. There’s always massive amounts of paranoia at the heart of their delusions. Arrogance is key as well. You need infallible ego to maintain repeatedly debunked fantasies. They talk of their conspiracies as if they’re the most obvious truths in the world, deriding the ‘ignorant masses’ who refuse to see the reality in front of them, which they’ve kindly circled in MS Paint. The mentality is frequently rooted in a strong brand of self-victimization: They tie their theories to social issues like homophobia and claim anyone who opposes their belief that the One Direction guys are in love are clearly bigots. Even when the people in question call out this nonsense, they’re written off as poor closeted prisoners of invincible publicists. The game of tin-hating shippers is designed so that they never lose.

That’s the sad part of this all. They won’t be proven wrong simply because they’ve invested too much of themselves into this fantasy. They run around in circles, desperately claiming everything is against them and only they are smart enough to know the truth.

If Caitriona Balfe and Sam Heughan insist they’re just friends, it’s only to throw everyone off the scent. When Tony Goldwyn talks of his love for his wife, it’s just to distract everyone from his romance with Kerry Washington. If Robert Pattinson is smiling in public, it’s because he’s thinking of Kristen; if he’s looking a bit down, it’s because he’s thinking of Kristen.

When the fantasy does begin to crumble, the tin-hatters get violent in their rhetoric. Taylor Schilling’s rumoured boyfriend briefly deleted his social media after receiving harassment from her fans who think she’s with Laura Prepon (who just had a baby with Ben Foster). Rooney Mara’s so-called fans called her a disgrace for dating a man and claimed she was letting down LGBTQ+ kids everywhere because of it. Robert Pattinson’s then-girlfriend FKA Twigs faced all manner of horrific racist and sexist abuse for simply existing. It can be easy to laugh people like this off, but we’ve also seen what happens to celebrities when their obsessive fans decide to invade their lives. A 19-year-old fan of Lana Del Rey drove cross-country to her house, broke into her garage and tweeted about it. An obsessive fan of Paula Abdul committed suicide outside her house. Rebecca Schaeffer’s stalker shot her on her own doorstep.

Real person shipping (or RPF) doesn’t bother me in theory. If you just treat it like any other fandom hobby - safe, private, clearly fiction - then go for it. There’s a major difference between liking two actors and writing silly fanfiction about them and going to extremes to prove they’re actually married.

The people who cross that line are a minority, but they’re a loud and insidious minority who shouldn’t be written off as mere ‘crazies’.

This phenomenon is undoubtedly fascinating and reveals a lot about various intersections of celebrity, media, the internet, fandom, and so on. It’s worth keeping an eye on, if only to ensure nobody gets hurt, because it’s not unique to internet culture. This stuff breeds, and that should concern us all.

Now, when do I get my shadowy PR conspiracy cheque?

#charmie #anti-ts #tin-hatting #rpf

22 notes · View notes

colawinston · 5 years ago

Text

“I don’t like ‘em...I just...”

♠︎ A little angsty dally / reader fic where reader comes to tell her boyfriend that she’s pregnant....and he’s not friendly about it. ♠︎ tw: no trigger warnings, except maybe language? talk of an abortion? mentions of sex. this is kinda jank omg sorry

He was at Buck’s again. That’s where he seemed to stay most often nowadays. ‘Spose it made sense — they were rodeo buddies, friends (even if Dallas refused to admit it), and Buck never seemed to mind to give Dally a place to sleep and sometimes you, if you bothered to be comfortable enough to spend the night in his home, as noisy as it became on weekends. It was the ideal place to find him, but then again, you figured it was better than nothing.

Better than the Curtis’ home...

Yeah, had you been there, this would have been a lot different. At least here, you could get a little privacy with no worry of a group of boys running around your ankles like a group of toddlers, hollerin’ and jokin’ like they did, eavesdropping in business that wasn’t theirs. Of course, even if you were at the Curtis’ home, you could get Dally alone, talk to him without curious ears.

But you weren’t. You were standing outside the door of Buck’s having knocked, and you waited. Nervously, almost impatiently. You twisted Dally’s ring on your finger, the thread that had been wrapped around the thick band to ensure it fit your digit practically rubbing your skin raw. What was taking so long? It was damn well past eleven-thirty on a Sunday, the both of them should be up should’t they? Just as your hand rose to knock one more time, the lock clicked and the door was cracked open.

“Y/N?” A groggy Buck rubbed his eye with the back of his fingers, voice still thick with sleep. “Lookin’ for Dally?” He asked, but barely waited for an answer before he stepped back to let you in.

You shut the door behind you as you stepped past the threshold, the house far cooler than the air outside — out of the sun, out the heat of the Tulsa summer. The house was quiet except for the creak of the floorboards beneath Buck’s heavy foot steps as he made his way toward the kitchen. You stood quietly in the foyer area, still twisting the ring, rocking on your feet. Was he going to say anything? Tell you where Dally was? Offer to let you go upstairs? Of course, you could probably of just gone up without asking — you’d been over plenty of times, had been up and down those stairs over and over again. You could go up, right? It seemed buck had caught on to your awkward politeness, peeking from his kitchen.

“Dally’s asleep upstairs,” He said, and without hesitation, you bounded up the creaky stairs.

The door was already cracked, and it swung open silently with the slightest push. The room was still dark for this early in the day, curtains draw to keep the bright summer sun out. Dally was sprawled out on his front, the blue comforter pooled around his waist, his hands tucked beneath the pillow and his head faced the wall. You lingered in the doorway, watching him, eyes raking over the curve of his shoulders and down his back. He was always so tranquil when he was asleep, and you almost didn’t want to wake him up. But he had to know, he just had to.

The door was shut with a quiet click, shoes toed off by the door and the distance closed. Your knee met the mattress, pushing yourself over Dally’s sleeping body to come settle next to him. He stirred slightly at the commotion, one eye peaking open.

“Hey, baby,” He murmured, voice thick with sleep and gravely. He didn’t seem all to annoyed that you’d woken him up, but he rarely ever did. Guess it was just seeing you that kept his blood from boiling over so quickly because he was disturbed. “Come in for a little early morning worship?” He teased, rubbing his eye with the heel of his hand as he turned over to lay on his back. He got a little chuckle from himself, but you were far more focused on the bruises he was sporting now that you could see them.

“What happened to you?” You asked immediately, reaching out to lightly touch his face, but Dally batted your hand away.

“Got into a fight with Tim Shepherd.” He told you, still blinking sleep from his eyes and noticing the look on your face. “I played fair, don’t worry.” He reached out to tug a bit at your sleeve, eyebrows raised. “What’s up with you?”

Dallas Winston wasn’t good at much besides fightin’ and getting himself into trouble — and he’d tell you as much — and talking really wasn’t one of his strong suites either unless he was ragging on somebody or cussing up a storm and threatening someone, but he’d gotten good at reading people, at least reading you. He’d gotten real good at picking up when you were upset and things of the sort.

You opened your mouth to say something, but shut it again. It felt like your heart had dropped into your stomach. It didn’t feel right telling him, but it’d be wrong not to tell him. It’d be wrong to hide it, pretend you didn’t know until it was obvious, that you’d been late, that it was obviously his. Perhaps if you hid it, shit would hit the fan when it was discovered and it would only be dramatic. But it felt wrong. Why? Oh, you didn’t know — it was ridiculous. This shouldn’t have been this hard.

“Y/N, are you okay?” Dally propped himself up on his elbows, brows bunched together in a thin line as he looked at you. A look of concern crossed his face. Before he could open his mouth and say anything else, you spoke up.

“Dallas, I’m pregnant.” It came out quickly, rushed and quiet. You looked at him only long enough to see his face change — the concern washed away and replaced with shock, and then softened into something else you didn’t bother to pick up by the time you averted your gaze.

The room grew quiet, almost tense. It felt heavy, but wasn’t too uncomfortable. It felt as though a heavy blanket had been draped over your shoulders, weighing you into the bed. Neither of you said anything, but Dally had pulled himself to sit up completely, mulling over the situation. You didn’t want to look at him, you knew how he felt about kids and shit like that. You both took the precautions you could, which really involved him buying condoms and making sure he used them — but that wasn’t foolproof.

He was the first to break the silence, clearing his throat. “You sure?” He asked, voice rough and low. It didn’t help the growing knot in your belly.

You merely nodded, unable to find your voice. Was it supposed to be this scary? Well, surely! You were both seventeen, for Christ’s sake! You weren’t old enough to be a mother! You hadn’t graduated high school, your parents were going to kill you when they found it — and it’d be worse considering Dallas Winston was the father of the unborn baby. Not like you were the most upstanding citizen, but your family was well enough off that it’d tarnish something important. “Yeah,” You finally squeaked out, rolling your lips in. “I’m two months late...I’ve been getting sick lately and am exhausted....”

You only looked up to see Dallas getting off the bed, fixing the waistband of his boxers before he bent to grab his jeans. The look on his face was indiscernible, though the way his muscles tensed and rippled beneath his skin you could tell he was unhappy. The knot in your belly tightened, got heavier.

“You’re not just pulling my leg? Sylvia did that shit with me, and I don’t fuckin’ like it...” He started, pulling his jeans on and buttoning them. His voice was hard, but when he looked at you, he almost looked hurt. Well, maybe not hurt. Dallas Winston didn’t get hurt, he’s the one who hurt people. He looked as though he’d been struck in the face. When you barely gave a nod, he shoulders dropped. This is it, you thought, he’s going to end it.

“Can’t you like...get rid of it? Markowski’s sister did that an—”

“Dallas!” It came out louder, harder than you expected it to, and now it was your turn to look hurt. You gave him an incredulous look, and in turn he shrugged and looked away. “I...Wh-....I can’t do that.” You say. This earned a small shrug from Dallas, who pressed his tongue into his cheek. “That’s...That’s illegal and wrong and...and...” And it’s our baby.

He finally looked at you, hands hitting his thighs, and his features softened. “I’m just saying, y/n...We...We can’t...” he paused and sighed, it nothing more than a frustrated huff. “I can’t fuckin’ be a dad. I don’t even like kids. You really want me to be a dad! Do you?” He asked, waving his hand some. “And I really don’t think you’re gonna haul ass off to Florida like Sandy did Soda. Look, there’s ways, and —”

“I’m not getting rid of it, Dallas!” You told him, and shutting him for a split second. The anger and boldness died quickly however, as your eyes stung with tears. Impatiently wiping at your eyes with the back of your hand, you kept your gaze off him. “Look, I’m scared and maybe it was foolish to come to you about it....” ‘Y/n...’ “I don’t want to be a mother as much as you don’t want to be a dad, but...but this is where I am, Dally, and I need you. Please?” It was desperate, pleading. Silence grew between the two of you again, and you could feel his eyes boring into you, already able to envision his tight jaw and cold eyes.

The dresser drawer opened, and Dallas sighed once more. “I’m going out for a smoke. We’ll talk about it.” He muttered, tugging a shirt over his head and had no hesitation to leave the room, leaving you sitting on the bed and staring at the empty space where he’d been laying moments before. We’ll talk about it, he said, and that only made the knot in your stomach bulk and writhe.

#the outsiders #dallas winston #dally winston #dally imagine #dally x reader #sorry the ending is so JANK #i havent written a fanfic like this in a while hshsdkj #rumblincadefic

94 notes · View notes

uncloseted · 4 years ago

Note

tw: transphobia😭 hi I'm a radfem cisgirl (I hate using "cis" and "trans" words but here I need to for the sake of the story) I've got a friend from ny highschool (we're in college now) who's also a radfem and is always sharing great feminist stuff. Yesterday, she shared the comment of a girl saying "this fight for abortion (it is illegal in my country) is for men/people with vaginas too!" and mocked it. I preferred not to make up any opinions about her because of one single post. But today, she shared a picture of Miss Spain 2019 (a trans girl) who talked about her experience with sexism, and mocked her too. This time, it was obvious to me she was just being transphobic trash. She received lots of backlash and deleted the post, but instead made a new post complaining about people caring about transphobia but not about sexism (a very stupid post, if you ask me). This time, along with some comments from other girls respectfully telling her to stop being cruel and mocking towards trans women, she received a lot of support from other TERFS (although these TERFS said they hate being called TERFS just for being honest and brave lmmfao). They said that transwomen don't belong in radfem because they just suffer from discrimination, not oppression, and listed some reasons why: according to them, trans girls don't suffer: obstetrician violence, forced pregnancy, feminicide, child marriage, genital femenine ablation, glass ceiling barriers, being implanted "maternal sense" while kids, getting their ears perfored while babies, among other stuff, and that differentiate ciswomen biological reality from trans women biological reality isn't transphobia. Other girls said they knew transwomen who were mean to them, using derogatory terms to refer to ciswomen and they were mean and cruel, using this argument to generalize about all transwomen smh.

I'm just so stoned that people could be so cruel to transwomen and set them aside from the feminist fight when they suffer from already being excluded from so many things. It sickens me that some people don't belive trans people exist and treat them that bad, specially trans girls. I wish I could debunk the info this TERFS are spreading because it's so dangerous and enables transphobics to keep harming transpeople and I find that unbearable, but I am not as informed as I should be to debute all their lies at once. Could you help me?

So starting with the question of transwomen in radfem spaces, I don’t think many (if any) transwomen would say that they experience the exact same type of discrimination that cis women do. There’s often this idea that “trans people don’t believe in biology”, but that’s a bad faith argument. Trans people understand biology very well, often more than their cis counterparts do, because it’s such a big part of their identity.

Yes, transwomen don’t suffer obstetrician violence, forced pregnancy, child marriage, genital feminine ablation, etc. (I can’t even find any articles on the ear thing). They do experience femicide, at way higher rates that cis women do. Transwomen are women, and they’re discriminated against in their own way; sometimes that’s because they’re women, and sometimes that’s because they’re trans. Transwomen are largely supportive of fighting with cis women to rid the world of discrimination for all women, cis and trans alike.

By contrast, TERFs seem to think that because transwomen sometimes suffer a different type of discrimination than cis women, they can’t be “real women”. But that argument makes no sense to me. The vast majority of affluent, white, straight, cis women will never suffer the violence that is apparently so central to the cis female experience. They’re extremely unlikely to experience femicide, child marriage, genital mutilation... and yet they can acknowledge that those issues are feminist issues, even though they’re not universal to all women. Why shouldn’t the discrimination that transwomen face also fall under that umbrella? And if they can accept that women who have had hysterectomies, or women who have chromosomal differences, or women who are intersex, or women who present butch are all women, why shouldn’t transwomen also fall under the umbrella of womanhood?

Further, is that really all that womanhood is to TERFs? Experiencing the trauma and discrimination that so often accompanies being a cis women? I don’t think inclusion to a group should be predicated on the amount that one has suffered or how many “oppression points” they’ve amassed. And I don’t think being a woman should be predicated solely on biology, especially given that we never really know what kind of biology a person has just by looking at them. What “being a woman” is is a metaphysical question that derails the discussion of trans feminism, and it’s a question that I don’t think a lot of TERFs actually have a good answer to. It’s just an easy way to put the burden of proof on trans people and trans allies and waste our time (but if you’re interested, I do have an opinion on this. I just think it’s best saved for a different time).

In terms of trans people being oppressed, there’s all sorts of data to suggest that trans oppression is very real. In the US, trans people were banned from serving in the military under the Trump administration, a decision that was only overturned a few days ago, and the Trump administration also reversed the Obama- era Title VII policy that protected trans employees from discrimination. Trans people are overwhelmingly lacking legal protections- there are no federal non-discrimination laws that include gender identity, and in some states, debates over limiting the rights of trans people to use public bathrooms are ongoing.

About 57% of trans people faced some type of rejection from their family upon coming out. Around 29% of trans people live in poverty (compared to 11% in the general population and about 22% in the lesbian and gay populations), and that number is higher for trans people who are Black (39%), Latinx (48%), or Indigenous (35%). 27% of trans people have been fired, not hired, or denied a promotion due to their trans identity. 90% of trans people report facing discrimination in their own jobs. Trans people face double the rate of unemployment that cis people do (about 14%) and about 44% are underemployed. This is despite the fact that a reported 71% of trans people have some level of post-secondary education- actually higher than the general population, which is about 61%. It’s often cited that women earn 77 cents on the dollar compared to men, but that statistic doesn’t even exist for trans women.

54% of trans people have experienced intimate partner violence (compared to about 24.3% of cis women), 47% of trans people have been sexually assaulted (compared to about 18% of cis women), and about 10% are physically assaulted in a given year.

About 22% of trans people and 32% of trans people of color in the US have no health insurance (compared to about 11% of cis women), and 55% of trans people who do have insurance report being denied coverage for at least one gender affirming surgery. 29% of trans adults have been refused healthcare by a doctor or provider because of their gender identity. In one study, 50% of trans people said that they had to teach their medical providers about trans care. Trans people are four times as likely than the average population to be infected by HIV. 41% have attempted suicide at one point in their lives, compared to 1.6% of the general population.

20% of trans people have been evicted or denied housing due to their gender identity, and trans people are four times more likely than cis people to be homeless. Only 1/5 of trans people report that they have been able to update all of their identification documents, and 41% have a driver’s license that does not match their gender identity. 22% of trans people report that they have been denied equal treatment by a government agency or official, 29% reported police harassment, and 12% reported having been denied equal treatment or harassed by judges or court officials.

75% of transgender students feel unsafe at school because of their gender expression, 60% are forced to use a bathroom or locker room that does not match their gender, 50% were unable to use the name and pronouns that match their gender, and 70% of trans students say that they’ve avoided bathrooms because they feel unsafe. 78% of trans students report being harassed or assaulted at school.

And these are all statistics that focus on trans people at large. The discrimination is worse for transwomen and especially transwomen of color. All of that certainly sounds like systemic oppression to me.

Every person who chooses to be a TERF perpetuates this discrimination. It’s just bigotry towards trans people, plain and simple. And for what? A reactionary fear that all transwomen are secretly sexual predators and all transmen are confused girls who don’t know better? Unfortunately, men can be sexual predators just fine without having to jump through the convoluted hoops trans people go through to be recognized as their true gender identity, and transwomen are way more likely to be sexually assaulted than they are to be sexual predators. There are no reported cases at all that transwomen are dressing up as men to assault women in bathrooms. There aren’t even statistics on how frequently trans people are sexual predators. And transmen are just as capable of making informed, thoughtful decisions as cis women.

TERFs shouldn’t be pitting themselves against trans people. There’s just nothing to be gained from doing that. They should be working alongside trans people to fight the patriarchy and the discrimination that cis and trans women both face, regardless of what that discrimination entails.

Last thought. Not to be a stan or anything but if you’re interested in learning more about these issues, Contrapoints has a number of really good videos on the topic of TERFs (including one that just released today!). They delve a bit deeper into the actual questions that TERFs often bring up and provide some nuanced answers.

youtube

#Anonymous #effys-closet #effys closet

6 notes · View notes