#I don’t think I’m a concert person
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I’ve been in such a funk since the concert. I’m not even sure I enjoyed myself that much. maybe I did. I don’t know
#I don’t think I’m a concert person#parts of it were fun but parts of it were like …I’d rather be in bed right now and watching clips of this off tiktok#isn’t post-concert blues a thing? right? it’s a thing?#all I know is I feel really shitty and all I want to do is cry about it
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Doing a classic and going to a concert by myself today. Thing is I’ve been exhausted all day but at least I left work early and then realised the artist doesn’t actually go on at 20 but at 22 so I’m a bit more chill and I’m hoping it’s gonna be fun. I’m gonna wear a dress I think (there are 7-8 degrees even though it’s November so it’s okay to be delusional that I’m not gonna freeze I think), maybe a little eyeliner, go there, have a beer, dance, listen to the music, have fun, go home. You know?
#I’ve always been so insecure about music in my personal life so the two concerts I’ve been to have both been on my own#also it’s like my no 1 favourite artist (perhaps) so I don’t want to bring anyone just to bring them#and then not be able to enjoy it properly because I’m thinking about their experience#dai raga sarà divertente#let me have a little shotizinho with my rice and vegan nuggets#yeah I’m excited#snicksnack
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what’s there not to understand about hypomania? you know when you get overtired, and like a toddler, you get all hyperactive and also want to cry or do Every Fun Thing you can think of and it actually becomes harder to sleep? like as a result of too much overwhelm or being so emotionally exhausted that’s how your body makes you able to cope, the aftereffects of too much adrenaline? just imagine being stuck like that. and every day it triggers itself more, overload of emotional whiplash and energy and you’ve lost all ability to think rationally and you can do anything at this point, because why not? you’ve got nothing left in you to hold back on any idea that could be exciting and stop you from falling into the void where the wiredness you feel has nothing to latch onto to burn off that nervous energy in a positive way, emotionally. for days or weeks or months on end. you don’t need to have ever experienced this fully to extrapolate and be like. yeah. I can see how it would suck eventually to get stuck like that
#at this point I’m begging people to see the overlap with adhd too bc anecdotally it seems like everyone I know also has that#and the overlap with bpd and hpd but I think the main difference is. being stuck in that high energy state. even when the energy turns sad#and bitter and hopeless. it’s essentially just overstimulation from your own brain. gets stuck overstimulating itself to cope maybe?#like i know people say it’s not triggered by life events but they sometimes can trigger it. but imho depression is gonna trigger it too#eventually. anything where everything is Too Much can start the positive feedback loop that’s almost impossible to turn off#which if you don’t know what a positive feedback loop is. means smth triggers smth which goes back and triggers its original trigger#thus getting bigger and bigger in magnitude. it’s like the chicken and the egg. egg makes chicken and chicken makes egg. more egg more#chicken and more chicken more egg. as opposed to a negative feedback loop which by the time there gets enough of smth it stops triggering#making more of it. your body relies on negative feedback loops for smth called homeostasis which is basically keeping everything stable#so obv positive feedback loops are gonna do the opposite of stable. in this case for your energy and your mood#most people are able to sleep better when they’re tired. my hypothesis of hypomania is when being tired makes you less able to rest#and that obviously spirals in on itself. mania would just be an extension of that I guess? but in some people it does happen really fast so#I get the narrative that it’s a chemical imbalance bc it is. but the specific imbalance being the tendency to a positive feedback loop make#more sense to me too. and can be why predictability and external cycles to ground yourself to are so important#there’s also never a 0% chance of you ever having a manic episode btw. anyones brain can theoretically get into this loop it’s just that if#you’re genetically predisposed to bipolar you’re much more likely to! and that’s okay. you can manage it with meds and lifestyle#but it makes sense why lowering stress (which can trigger this cycle) is such an important part of treatment and management#anyway. hopefully I’m not like. horribly horribly wrong or smth. in the end I can only speak for my experience so lmk if I’m missing smth#bipolar awareness#bipolar 2#hypomania#personal mental health tag#neurodivergence#would you believe I was reminiscing about a concert I went to once. and it made me think of all this
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sooo it’s been a couple of days since I went to Miku Expo and like… I think I’m still reeling from the fact that I actually went since I’ve been listening to vocal synth music since my childhood and I never expected that I’d actually be able to go to one of these concerts?
some thoughts and highlights under the cut!
the show I went to was sold out (in D.C.) and I stood in line + waited for like, 6 or 7 hours? but I had so much fun that it was worth it!
I helped some people put film inside their penlights, and it was nice chatting with them while we were waiting!
some groups of elderly people who were hanging out in the area were confused about what was going on and after asking some concert-goers to explain they started laughing LMAO (some puzzled passerby’s asked me too and I just said “oh it’s a J-pop concert!” because I didn’t want to go into what Vocaloid was in full detail haha)
there were so many cute cosplays there; I saw a lot of people in Miku’s Vampire outfit and was surprised to also see an Oliver cosplayer, there were also some dressed as Project Sekai characters too!
before the show, every time someone in the audience held up a Miku plush, everyone around them would cheer and hold up their penlights
some people also brought Miku plushes that were bald and whenever they held up those, everyone would shout “BALD, BALD, BALD!” (and I heard someone say “MY EYES!!!”)
the songs the crowd were the loudest for were Miku, Vampire, and World is Mine (it was… so loud during World is Mine LOL)
Kaito fans were being Kaito fans when he did his solo (ILY Kaito fans you’re so iconic) and there was also a notable amount of hype when Luka’s solo finally happened since it took until halfway through the show to get to her
I know the setlist was quite controversial when it was released online but I honestly liked hearing it in person, I feel like the band really elevated the experience (kudos to them!), I really liked how they played for Literacy and Hyper Reality Show in particular
and maybe a hot take but the screen wasn’t… that bad to me? but that was also because I was in the very front and the venue put lights around the stage as well, so I may be biased
#ness yells#and like#my positive experience with the concert doesn’t erase all of the controversies that happened along the way#I’m aware that people were heavily dissatisfied with the merch sales#and lack of communication#I personally got my merch online and without issue. and generally kept an optimistic outlook since this was something I’ve always wanted to#go to! especially after there being no NA concerts for years#I definitely think a lot of things could’ve been handled better though. so don’t just assume that I’m like#‘wow this must’ve been a perfect experience for everyone involved!’#bc I’m not ignorant to the backlash. I read it all dw 😭#but I just wanted to share some nice memories I made#if you even care LOL#ough and also like#this is making me really want to make more miku fanart omg 😭#IT WILL HAPPEN I PROMISE I HAVE PLANS TO!!!#I love vocaloid and vocal synths sm it’s like 90% of the music I listen to
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ALEC BENJAMIN IS TOURING AGAIN AND HES COMING TO MY TOWN AGAIN 🎉🎉🎉🎉
#i just rlly hope my friends parents let her go bc she thinks they won’t bc she’s seeing a concert in may already#but i don’t wanna go alone bc she’s the only person i know who likes him#but i’ll be fine if i do have to go alone#i’m just so excited he’s coming back!!! he was my first concert and it was so fantastic#alec benjamin#music#toby talks
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i will say this tho… the reason why most kpop groups don’t come to europe is because in comparison to maybe the usa, the market for kpop music there is better than in europe and also since companies nowadays are obsessed with making groups international (promoting them in the us basically) they know it’s easy money over there honestly that’s what i think
#not saying that in europe there aren’t kpop fans#which there are#i would say there are a lot in france and spain and perhaps italy??#but like when they quote on quote tour europe they only go to those countries#and in hindsight the tour ends up being small and there’s not that much profit#compared to what the us brings tbh#i hate to admit it but it’s true lol#the music industry like the western one mainly happens in america#and when groups tour there’s no doubt they will go there#there’s also that guarantee#but also what i don’t get is how they don’t go to south america#when especially brazil has a lot of kpop fans???#i feel like south america has a lot of kpop stans especially in recent years#but all of this to say that yes it’s a good decision#i don’t think it is lmao#i never went to a concert bc of travel costs#when tours happen in europe is never in portugal so#the closest thing i have is spain or france#but that’s too much money for an average person like me#so i am not abt to make that awful financial decision#as much i want to see my fave groups#but it’s true that kpop is international#and is getting more and more international#and companies don’t do tours outside of the us#and i’m not talk about asia bc of they tour in asia that is a given#i mean outside of asia they only go to america#and MAYBE … very rarely… five european countries#anyways this is getting long but you get what i mean#it’s sad that a lot of people don’t get opportunities for many reasons#tris.txt
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i’ve seen far too many tiktoks made purely with the intention of making fun of other people at tour (for their outfits, for how excited they got, for what songs they did or didn’t know…i could go on) and i just want to say i wish every single person who feels the need to not only make fun of someone but to do it on the internet a very fuck you. leave your mean girl energy at home idc
#i’ve seen so many and they all make my skin crawl why do people think it’s cute to unabashedly make fun of others for no reason#the most recent one i saw was someone making fun of a person a row or two ahead of them for shazaming illicit affairs#and yknow what??? who fucking cares. i don’t blame them. if folklore/evermore isn’t your vibe you might NOT know it#and yknow what????? i’m SURE there are songs the strictly folkmore girlies don’t know so well#illicit affairs is Not a song so widespread and well known and it’s on the setlist anyway. you enjoy yourself and stop worrying abt others#makes my blood BOIL#i thought we were way past the whole. only xyz people who know xyz songs get to go to tour. stop it#people paid money to go just like you did and good for them if they got tickets and wanted to have a good time#for some people that’s all this is!!! a concert!!!! a fun time!!!!! let them live!!!!!!!!#my sister is trying to learn the songs on the setlist and she’ll absolutely ask me to clarify if she doesn’t remember. that’s okay#doesn’t make her any less excited to be there or entitled to be there or any less of a fan vs anyone else#grow the fuck up#sorry i’m mad now#this has been a rant#taylor swift#eras tour
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Me, struggling to maintain my principles that hating on straight people is more harmful to our community than helpful, when I see videos of young straight girls screaming MOTHER IS MOTHERING at Mitski shows:
#‘But how do you know they’re straight’ good point. However#From my own personal experience it’s straight girls who think they’re allies because they watch RPDR who act this way#Most often anyway#Either way whether you’re queer or straight#Let’s save that shit for drag shows yeah?#People kept doing it at Ethel Cain too and it irritated the shit out of me#No wonder she’s off most social media now and hates touring lmao#Time and fucking place people#Drag shows: have at it. Quiet intimate concert: shut the fuck up#The entitlement. The lack of concert etiquette. What the fuck happened???#Every day I feel myself turning more into a bitter old gay because the young uns don’t make life easy for me#And they’re not even that much younger than me lmao#People don’t act this way at Iron Maiden I’m just saying#Anyway. Must. Stick. To principles…#might delete later#personal#rant#vent#mitski#ethel cain
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bought tickets to see live music for first time in about two years life is ok again maybe
#it’s an artist i really love too and it’s right in my town at 3pm on a saturday which if you know my sleep schedule is. ideal#i’m not even that much of a live music/concerts/events type of person but i think it’s going to be very good and i’m looking forward to it#i always miss out when artists come to me town bc i’m out of the loop and/or forget to buy tickets in time#my town*#but i did it and it’s in two weeks. and im happy#i still don’t want to do the work today but we’re getting through it#beets posts
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#anon I don’t feel like I’m wasting any time#I’m sorry if you feel that way but I’m not#not a bit#I’m not here waiting for them to come out#I’m here to support them#BOTH#for their musics and for their personalities and for them as a couple#if they ever feel like coming out I hope they can do it when they want and the way they want and I will be happy for them#if that is in 6 months (which honestly I don’t believe at all#not in 6 months#not in 1 year#not in 2 years#maybe in 10 years?#who knows#I’ll be here like I am now and I will be happy#I don’t have any rush and I don’t think they have either#I’m here since 5 years and I’m happy whe new music comes#or to just ser new pictures of them#or to enjoy watching concerts#make funny posts#read interesting posts#learning new things#having fun as well#the most important thing in my opinion is to be here for what makes you happy and not listen to others telling how you have to be here or to#live your own experience#just curate your dash with the people you love and makes you the happiest#no one forces anyone to keep doing anything#if it makes you happy do it#if it doesn’t maybe take a break and come back whenever it suits you the best#I hope I answered your question
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was completely burnt out from work but hauled my ass to the ajj concert anyway and I’m so fucking glad I did oh my god I’m so excited
#anyway reminder that if you’re disabled and you think a mobility aid would help you even Sometimes- you should do it#having a wheelchair is the only reason I can physically be present at this concert but also the only way i’m not having a complete meltdown#because I’m not adding to my fatigue by standing for hours- especially in the heat#so yeah- even if you don’t need it all the time#if you think it would benefit you to have crutches/cane/wheelchair- do it!!#personal
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It really makes me so sad that Ronnie Radke is transphobic in that very Twitter specific way
#why does he have to be so ignorant#I don’t know much about him tbh my friend loves him endlessly and#ze has invited me to a free ride concert to see FIR twice now and all I’ve seen from his twitter is that he’s anti vax and anti mask and now#I guess fucken ignorantly transphobic?? like. he thinks all trans people want women to be forced into being called birthing people.#he thinks tampon brands are hiring Dylan Mulvaney to be their spokeswoman#he said ‘well I identify as black so if you disagree you’re a bigot’#like it’s the Idiot Transphobe 101 shit#and I don’t know anything else I’m just. like. he puts on a good show and I personally love the revamped I’m Not A Vampire#and the original!! his music speaks so much to me as an overly dramatic asshole with addiction issues!!#it just sucks. why do people have to be so chronically online.#and his audience is SO fucking queer#it’s just. sad.#they really really love him. and he’s just out here spreading false ideology that will both abstractly and directly harm them#and I hate that he’s built such a platform on being an asshole- which I normally love- that he’s using this to avoid educating himself#he literally doesn’t even call trans people ‘trans people’ he just says ‘trans’#like. ‘why would Tampax allow trans to be their spokesperson’#dude. cmon.#blithering on#I hate how much he means to people who are queer and how he’s just. being fucking STUPID#god I’m angry at a random dude. fuck me and fuck this dude I’m an asshole and so is he but he’s just. Touch grass for the love of christ
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Me when I want to be wanted more than anything else
#I think I’d be more normal if I had more friends but every friend I lose makes me isolate more and more and now it’s like I can only trust#people I’ve interacted with for years already#and then every time I try to make friends I either don’t respond (anxiety. not feeling a vibe. whatever) or they stop responding when I#actually like them (someone who talked to me for like four days in an row and then randomly blocked me no explanation)#I think if I made more friends or even talked to more people I’d understand how to do it successfully but I don’t have enough experience and#no one wants to be friends with me (and it’s scary when they do!!!) wahhhhhhhhhh#I need to move somewhere new and talk to strangers I’m good at that#I made more friends a a concert age 14 than I have from me the ages of 16-19 and i think that’s ridiculous#how do I explain to everyone ever that nothing bad happened to me I’m just mentally ill bc my hormones are fucked and it’s let me to spiral#and ruin my own life and then slowly painfully build my life back up and then crush it all again over and over again for years and years#to the point where I’m afraid I’ll never amount to anything so the idea of ever truly having people who find any value for me in their lives#feels like it’s fake and then when I do finally trust people I end up loving too hard and fucking it up and then I isolate for even longer#it’s takes me twice as long to find a new friend and trust them again and then it happens all over again#it feels like I’m destined to be alone bc I can’t tell the difference between platonic shit and flirting so I have a wall between me and#everyone else bc I’m afraid to like someone too much and confuse my brain bc I don’t ever want to like someone who doesn’t like me even if#it’s as friends bc I’ve put more effort in than other ppl always but it’s bc I put too much effort in and expect too much and no one else#is as weirdly obsessive and clingy and dedicated as I am bc I’m not normal and that’s why no one likes me bc I try too hard or not at all#and it makes everyone in my life family friends crushes whatever hate me bc I’m all or nothing forever I can’t just be normal#I think a lifetime of living with my mother has permanently damaged the way I see myself#who are all these normal ideal people in my brain why did my mother put them there and why will I always be worse than a hypothetical person#designed to shame me for struggling which gets louder the more I struggle#spirals cycles etc etc etc#ugh. I want my brain to turn off I’m gonna go take a dab and maybe delete this later
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im so CWCcoded
#anyway my apologies for gaslighting you all about not personal diary posting bc my dad just texted me goodnight and it made me sad#him and my mom both tried to call me all day I feel bad when I ignore them#bc I know they’ll be dead someday and they won’t be able to call me and I won’t be able to answer#and my brothers both tried to call me I know my mom narced that I was weird yesterday and now everyones scrambling to keep track of me#it’s very nice of them but I really do hate being reminded that I’m the family member that like#they’ve all quietly agreed is always going to have to be monitored and taken care of#I wouldn’t be surprised if Andy and Alex haven’t talked about who I’m going to going to live by when our parents are both gone#it was kind of funny Andy invited me to like go install a security camera with him today#I said no but I do think it could’ve been a fun experince#I was gonna see my mom but she didn’t want to go out again so I waited around until my dad tried to call me again#so then be brought me with him to a hardware store where he tried (and failed) to return paint or something#we love a schemer#and then we picked up Andy and got milkshakes but I was ill so he got me real food on the way home#but I’m going to have to find a way to throw it out tomorrow bc I didn’t eat that much of it and I don’t want him to be sad about it#and I have to clean my room bc Lydia will be here soon#I was weepy in the car and my dad kept saying it’s nice you’ll get a few days with her before the concert#I know :-(#to some extent I love that he’s so incapable of handling emotional moods bc he just puts on songs and complains about them#bc he knows I like to complain and I think he gets scared when I don’t talk and that’s his attempt at getting me to#I need to finish my costume and make bracelets and clean my room these seem doable#okay bye please don’t unfollow me#also I love the name doxing bc these are for me and me only and maybe burke when he logs on I love you#my posts
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Not me saying just yesterday that no artists come to New Orleans and then me finding out boygenius will be here on June 10th
Edit: not Waterparks too💀
#raineyrambles#boygenius#see the thing is that there’s absolutely no way I could go for multiple reasons#1. that I don’t want to be the person who goes to someone’s concert when they barely know them#2. I’d have to go with one of my parents and that is in no way ever going to happen lol#the day I can go somewhere with only like a friend will be the day I have reached full potential#this makes me sound like I’m 14- please do not think I’m 14#the way that once I get to college I will be making an effort into getting someone there to come with me to shows#I already have one friend who likes driving so I’m one step ahead lol#edit: I genuinely haven’t listened to waterparks in over a year but I did have a small phase of listening to them
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#I’m such a bad person#so most days I use the gym at my university#rather than the one in my apartment building#because it’s bigger and better equipped#depending upon the time of day you go#the clientele can skew pretty elderly#(which is great. people of all ages should totally feel comfortable working out)#I think it’s mostly retired professors and that sort of thing#picture a lot of older/old men strolling on a treadmill in chinos and a sweater and you’ve got the picture#anyway#the way the treadmills are positioned#you can see pretty easily what the person next to you is watching#if they have their phone on the holder#well today when I was running the guy walking on the treadmill next to me (probably in his 70s) kept staring at me#I couldn’t figure out why#and then I realized he was glancing between my phone and me#(I’m in my early 20s and look like a first year undergrad)#because I was watching an old Dave Brubeck performance#I don’t think he was trying to be judgmental or anything he was just confused#but I’m used to getting confused looks at jazz clubs and baroque concerts and stuff#(I once had a man tell me at a Gilad Atmoz show in London. ‘I would have invited you to sit with me b/c you were all alone. but I thought#you were probably waiting for your dad or your boyfriend.’)#so I decided to mess with him a little#and started going backwards in time/obscurity with what I was watching/listening to#until I had 3 miles and was ready to get off and I was watching Baby Dodds drumming in the 1920s#the guy looked like his eyes were going to fall out of his head#gonna say the life lesson here is that I shouldn’t be allowed around the public in any capacity#not the stones#me stuff
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