#Anyway. Must. Stick. To principles…

[bisexualseraphim]

Me, struggling to maintain my principles that hating on straight people is more harmful to our community than helpful, when I see videos of young straight girls screaming MOTHER IS MOTHERING at Mitski shows:

[subaru-meteorlight]

the very incredible experience of scrolling phaidei thirst trap fanart and thinking “if anybody saw this on my phone im gonna get outed as gay” before realising that im perceived as a girl so. ??

[lukolathoughts]

McGuffin or Chekhov's smokin' gun?

During my old university days, I studied Media as part of my Drama degree. I was interested in film at the time, until they made us all sit through 2001 Space Odyssey. Absolute torture. Anyway, we studied a whole lot of Hitchcock also. I learned a great deal about the auteur, the male gaze and the 'McGuffin'. Stick with me reader, I am going somewhere I promise. In fiction, a MacGuffin (sometimes McGuffin) is an object, device, or event that is necessary to the plot and the motivation of the characters, but insignificant, unimportant, or irrelevant in itself. (Wikipedia) For example, in Pyscho the lead female character Marion Crane turns up to Bates Motel with a suitcase full of stolen cash. It ends up being irrelevant because that is not the main plot. Marion (spoiler) is stabbed to death by Norman Bates and the suitcase of money ends up in the lake with her car. That is her story over. A modern day McGuffin in my mind would be Dennis Nedry stealing dino DNA in Jurassic Park using a can of aftershave cream. The plot point is irrelevant, even though it causes the fences to shut down and chaos to ensue, the can is lost as Dennis is eaten by a Dilophosaurus and that is the end of that. The main narrative is elsewhere.

In university, I was fascinated with Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill. As a Buffy fan, I was almost ecstatic with joy to see another badass female lead slice her way to revenge and justice wearing a yellow, leather jump suit. It is an incredibly gory film, but I see it as a masterpiece of cinema. This is where I was made aware of the term - Chekhov's gun. "is a narrative principle emphasizing that every element in a story be necessary, while irrelevant elements should be removed. For example, if a gun features in a story, there must be a reason for it, such as being fired at some later point." Usually in film, the director will make a point of showing the object/device and it will come up repeatedly or later. In Kill Bill, there is The Bride's sword which is made and then shown later with her lopping off a hundred or so heads. In Kill Bill part 2, in a flashback to years earlier, Bill tells the young Bride of the legendary martial arts master Pai Mei and his Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique, a death blow that Pai refuses to teach his students; properly used, the attack is reputed to leave an opponent able to take only five steps before dying. This is how (major spoiler) The Bride defeats Bill in the end. She was shown by Pai Mei. I could go on and on about how these devices are used in cinema and television, but you will be aware of them. In Bridgerton, we can see that Penelope's feather quills are Chevhov's gun, because they are representative of a secret that she is keeping that has indirectly and directly affected so many people. Lady Whistledown has massive plot implications.

So, ZG where are you going with this blog post? I have struggled with keeping my mouth shut these last few months and running things through in my mind. It is easier to just chat in my discord and much less hassle, but it also grinds my gears that us Lukola's feel the need to be underground. I want to be a voice of reason for the fandom and not be stifled. A few days ago, I was made aware of a picture. This picture had my eyes widening and my heart thudding, because it was confirmation to me that what I had suspected and read in my cards, was absolutely right. I have struggled in the past with even writing this down, because people get so mad. I am a mother of four. I have actually had six pregnancies. I have dealt with early miscarriage, gestational diabetes, premature labour the lot. I am an experienced mother now of many years and I recognise another mother when I see one. I do not take pregnancy and childbirth lightly. I know what I saw last year from Nicola and I stand by that. This has NOTHING to do with fat shaming or commenting on Nicola's body, which I NEVER have.

It is now up to the story narrative to play out and for us as an audience to find out whether the buggy/stroller in the picture that Nicola is pushing, is a McGuffin - irrelevant. I saw someone say it might be a doggy stroller. Sigh, sure Jan. Or she could be pushing her sister's baby around Dublin. It is possible, but why are all her friends there that particular weekend? Where is her sister? Why is Aimee there? Why was Louisa tagged in the photo? What was so special about that weekend? We have worked out from Louisa's clothes that the weekend was most likely the 5th April. Jake shared a photo with Louisa in a pub that Saturday and the clothes match. I will come back to Jake in a moment.

Or is the stroller Chekhov's gun? A massive plot point and integral to this whole damn narrative and why my friends, we have been dragged along on this bumpy ship navigating an endless storm, that has included missiles, hurricanes, a great white shark, shelves, anchovies, tiramisu etc. My question from a few blogs ago was, what are Nicola and Luke hiding in the attic? In my opinion, it is the stroller. As I said on X yesterday, if you see the picture but refuse to acknowledge at least the possibility of what that stroller means, then that's on you if a harsh truth is ever revealed.

The Jakeholes have been quiet about this. It almost makes me giggle. Nicola liked that post, so she is absolutely aware of it. It has been sitting on Instagram for two weeks literally like a smoking gun undetected until the Lukola FBI finally dug it up. Lets face facts here. Jakey boy was filming from April - June last year in Wales and Nottingham for What it feels like for a girl (I loved it by the way! It weas excellent). Nicola was on a massive six month press tour with her co-star Luke Newton. We all saw the way they looked at each other in Brazil. We are not blind or stupid. We don't have amnesia either. I can look at the live footage at a touch of a button. Us Lukola's do not have to manipulate footage of Jake from WIFLFAG, where he plays a male prostitute and pimp, with footage of Nicola from Big Mood, where she plays a woman with mental health problems, and mash it together to make it look romantic. Those edits are sickening. They are also pathetic because whereas we have actual footage from Bridgerton and in real life, the Jakolas have nothing. Even Tiff couldn't make the Cannes footage look romantic. He looked like Nicola's assistant and we caught Jake making horny eyes at a man in the pre-Bafta party. My point is, Jake was not around when Nicola likely became pregnant and I will quote someone in my discord, Jake hasn't seen a vagina since he came out of one.

I believe the person in Nicola's recent post is Luke. My very dear friend @pikanchidouble-blog has done excellent analysis on this over the weekend of the ear and thumb and I absolutely think it's Luke. If it was Jake, why not tag him? She's not been shy about tagging him before. The sweet treat is also Luke coded and the fact he loves Italian food. Jake is also at the moment busy shooting a film. Nicola has better things to do than sit alone in a hotel all day in Australia alone, waiting for him.

We are yet again back to waiting game. If that was Luke in the selfie, Nicola has made a massive step forward in showing an aspect of him. She has made strides in showing the stroller also. I love Nicola for this. There must be a reason that she has decided to show us this. It has to be part of the larger story.

So do we have a McGuffin on our hands, or Chekhov's gun? You decide. We wait.

PS. Love you all xx

[kiwi]

I love Joe Cool Cat!! Question: did you use a particular pattern as a base or follow any specific set of design principles?

omg thank you for letting me talk abt puppets, i have been rabid

i followed this video to make the head shape and mouthplate (joe cool cats head is just flatter than the example, and i shaved down the jaw mouthplate a bit so that he has sort of an overbite, which left room for me to add fangs)

for the rest i winged it! its all stuff i found around the house so some of the materials arent ideal. the skin is felt which doesnt move well and makes him kinda stiff, so next time i definitely want to try fleece or fake fur

however the felt worked really well for the hands! its two flat hand shapes sandwiched together with a wire skeleton in between so theyre posable, like kermit the frog's. if you plan to make posable fingers though you should really use armature wire instead of random wire lying around like i did :( one of his fingers is broken already but it had a great grip before it busted. his other hand isnt attached to his vest at all, the fingers are just strong enough to hold it on his own! this leaves space for movement as the middle of his arm flaps around and makes him more lifelike

his body is just a simple rectangle of fabric made into a tube (like the sleeve of a shirt) and his arms are attached by safety pins so that they can be removed and replaced. the pins are hidden by his vest, which is also detached so that it can move naturally and allow for repairs. i learned that by looking at the notes from the jim henson team on display at the puppet museum in atlanta! :•) definitely a must visit if youre able

design wise, hes based on the vibes of the band The Stray Cats, especially their songs Stray Cat Strut and Nine Lives. id like to add more patches and buttons on his vest (the little pin he's wearing is made by covering a sewing button with fabric). the vest itself is a single piece with holes cut out for the arms because i was not about to follow a clothing pattern

things i would replace or do differently next time:

- more flexible fabric on the head. stiff felt doesnt work well!

- use stronger wire specifically meant for posing in the hands

- make the arms a little shorter and attach the pole by the wrist instead of the elbow. i wanted him to be kinda long and skinny but overdid it, and i thought i was clever by making the stick come out of his elbow. his movements look cool but hes tricky to maneuver, especially when trying to raise his hand to his face (arms too long and the stick often gets in the actual puppeteer's way)

- try using a little less hot glue and a little more sewing for ease of movement and repair

anyway yeah ive been super into learning about this stuff lately and im working on a blinking puppet next! i might be doing a small puppet show next month if i finish the other members in joe cool cat's band. if anybody has questions or wants to talk puppets dont be shy pls! im already talking my roommates ears off about it lol

[hopeswriting]

Haru's really smart btw. She goes to midori middle school, which yams said is one of the hardest elite all-girls schools to get into. Her dad also teaches maths at a university, so that must have helped her too growing up. She also said she has tutoring from five to six. She does gymnastics and is at least good enough to participate in school's competitions, so you know she's athletic. She has that balance and agility and flexibility and core strength going on for her. She's so crafty and good with her hands. The disguises and costumes she's able to make? Girlie could disappear herself and keep living in namimori just fine. She'll butt heads with you to stick up for herself and her opinions. She'll stand by her principles and what she thinks is right no questions asked, even if it means resorting to violence, which she isn't afraid of and will also do without a second thought lmao. She'll wait for you to get out of prison and write you a lot of letters should you ever kill someone. She'll come with you whenever you have to get rid of an enemy family but will pretend she doesn't see any of it for your peace of mind (which was so funny of her actually zjeksjsk 😭😂). She'll test you to make sure you're still a good person worthy of her liking you and confront you about it if it fails. She'll make sure you're a good person full stop if she thinks you're up to no good even if you've never met before. She'll try to kidnap you to keep you safe when the students at your school are targeted and attacked. She'll put on a brave front for you so you can worry less about her and focus on the things you have to do. She's impulsive and reckless and prone to jump to conclusions. But she's also kind and brave and helpful and resourceful and driven and strong-willed and always well-meaning. She's girly and quirky and friendly and hardworking and energetic and fun and always ready to encourage you and cheer you up.

Anyways. I didn't plan to write all that and turn this into crying over what haru's character could have been hours, but here we are. Also i'm not necessarily saying amano should have just made her mafia too and given her a gun or something lol. I do personally think it wouldn't have gone against her character and i'd have enjoyed watching that happen, but i don't mind that she remained a civilian throughout the manga at all. I don't think it makes her uninteresting either, for sure. I'm just saying that not only she had potential, but there was also actual room within the story to make her a well-fleshed out supportive character. Like, my girl has all of this going on for her and what did we get?? Yeah, that's right. 😔

[adoriels-tears-if]

Heat Wave

The heat had flattened everything. Even the birds had fallen silent. Saschta herself had refused to go hunting.

And there you were, lying on the stone slabs in the shade of the house, arms spread wide, cheeks crushed against the warm ground. The light vibrates around you, almost white, rising in a wave of cruel heat. Every breath of air lifted the smell of dry earth and wood burning in the distance.

"Cecily," you mumble. "I'm hot."

You don't move. Even breathing seems too much to ask of you. Your fingers lazily trace invisible circles on the ground, just to feel that faint coolness of the earth deep below.

"I know," replies your aunt lying on the bench next to you. "I'm hot too."

"I want to die."

"That's not fair. Why don't you seem affected, Elia." Your aunt grumbles.

You turn your head with difficulty. Leaning against the windowsill, your mother flashes you a sheepish smile. "Fire power."

You growl, Cecily scowls at her.

Cecily fans herself with a damp cloth.

It’s useless, but she does it anyway. On principle.

“Fire power,” she mutters through her teeth, mimicking Elia. “Ridiculous.”

You hear her grumble something about “cheating with genetics.”

You still don’t move. Maybe if you stay perfectly still long enough, you’ll melt. Just a puddle of yourself, right there on the stones. You wouldn't mind.

Your mother disappears for a moment. Then you hear her footsteps again, light on the tiles. The sound of water. A breeze of coolness.

She gently pours water over your hair.

You flinch. You don’t like it. It’s cold. Too cold. You groan and hiss and try to flee.

She laughs.

Cecily stretches out her arms toward you both, begging.

"Me too! I’m not picky."

A second splash follows. Cecily yelps something that sounds a lot like a curse.

“You’re aiming for my neck on purpose, aren’t you?"

"It’s strategic," Elia replies solemnly. "You have to strike where it feels best."

You glance up at her. Her shape flickers slightly in the light, blurry. You decide your mother must have been made for heat. Like a salamander. A bigggg grinning salamander.

You finally sit up, slowly. Your back sticks to the stones.

And you think that maybe… you’ll survive this day after all.

But only if Elianna keeps splashing Cecily like that.

[pomegranate-teardrop]

seventeen meets black dandyism, pt. 1

how i would dress 95line for the 2025 met gala

so proud of our leader for showing out all by himself, big man in the big apple ✩࿐࿔

seungcheol

obviously, he looked great! i'm surprised boss did such an earnest job at incorporating a korean flair while still keeping the theme (zoot suit meets hanbok?), but i still wanted a bit more from the styling, specifically accessories!!

dramatic hats, walking sticks, and a peekaboo pocket watch or square are right at home on a classic black dandy. and it would be easy to keep the cultural fusion going into these elements

for the hat, a woven bamboo paeraengi dyed to match one of the darker greys he's wearing. according to my very light research, a paeraengi would be worn by commoners during the joseon dynasty. cheol wearing a "low-status" accessory like this to the met gala would be a nod to the concept of the black dandy: those of a lower socioeconomic class due to race subverting the classic European styles, silhouettes, embellishments, and tailoring associated with aristocrats

having the paeraengi literally drip with diamonds (see cheers music video) would further this, as well as lean into a literal representation of "drip" (referring to the modern afro-american slang for dressing in a stylish manner, with heavy emphasis on hip hop fashion over the last twenty years). the black dandyism to drip pipeline must be acknowledged

anyway, moving on to the cane. if we had to make it korean, it wouldn't take much. there's a series of cane techniques known as ji pang ee sool in the korean martial art hapkido. they can be traced back to the buddhist monks of the silla period, who would even fight with wild stuff like umbrella-shaped canes, hollow inside to hide swords (kingsman much?). i couldn't find many fashionable pictures of the hapkido canes, but it wouldn't be too difficult to design one suitable for cheollie's outfit, then carve the three principles of hapkido (hwa, won, and yu) into it, i don't know

jeonghan

now i would love to see hannie dressed up as someone's black church-loving grandma just as much as anyone else, but let's be honest. jeonghan's black dandy is just a bit more whimsical than that... shut up and give me a top hat.

would it be wrong of me to pitch willy wonka meets michael jackson meets peter do if they were cloned and then merged together at exactly 11:51 on hallow's eve, 2049? i'm talking tailoring so sharp it could cut your nail into the perfect square. and rich, bold colors because i'm tired of seeing him in neutrals

and black dandyism isn't just menswear. playing with self expression and even gender presentation is a big deal (as black people have always been hyper-masculinized to the point of being seen as more beast than human), and that flirtation between the seemingly masculine and seemingly feminine can be incorporated through a cinched waist on an otherwise boxy suit jacket or a ruffle poking out from a rigid collar

asian people tend to be hyper-feminized through the western gaze, and jeonghan, who has received girl allegations more than most, would be especially suitable for such a dandy-coded polarity. referencing janelle monáe (arguably the foremost femme black dandy) is a must, as she manages to embrace this interplay even in unapologetically feminine silhouettes

wisdom kaye's skirted looks can't be forgotten either, especially when he experiments with layering a vest or corset, or adding some oversized embellishment. i could just need to take my medication, but a theatrically large norigae (a traditional korean pendant, pictured below) could be right at home as a flourish on hannie's fit. not to mention how it would compliment seungcheol's hanbok-inspired suit

joshua

joshua, the gentleman himself

i want him in a fur. specifically cruella de vil's fur. now you may be asking, what the hell does that have to do with the black dandy? me personally, i've never met a bougie black socialite who doesn't love a mink coat

let's be honest here. 70s pimp fashion is the missing link between the harlem renaissance- and black power-era black dandy, and the black dandy of hip hop (from preppy and mafioso influences to streetwear, bling, and of course, drip). i so badly want shua to step out pimping, and that means he's gonna be in that fur coat

best believe that's not the only coat i'm having him wear. right under the fur will be a patterned layer to up interest. the example below features phoenixes, cranes, and peaches, which are said to represent prosperity, longevity, and abundance, as well as purity and royalty. if i was going to do a train, i'd want this peeking out just slightly from under that perfectly fluffy mink

then to add a little more european flair, an overly wide-brimmed canotier (also shown below) but made in a different material to the usual straw. i wouldn't be mad at a leather situation, with gloves and shiny dress shoes to match. and the hat would be tilted to the side, but you already knew that

this is your punishment for me not sleeping

yaya ✩࿐࿔

[somethingponysomething]

Li Lun, you silly tree..

I mean, a tree that doesn’t like staying in one place for long sounds a bit silly, no? Although, who knows, really. Trees might secretly wish to travel. I may have talked to trees occasionally, but they never said anything back. And it was mostly related to pruning. Not their wishes.

Contains spoilers

Not going to lie, I wanted to slap some sense into him for most of the series. But in the end, he did get his redemption and it came from growth, not as a mere plot device. So yes, I did end up liking him because of that.

This is also part one of beep knows how many, because I talk too much. I just tend to ramble when musing over stuff.

The first time we ‘see’ him is in episode 3, where he introduces himself by shooting an arrow at Wen Xiao. Fortunately, ZYZ is there to catch it. So they go after him.

Li Lun is obviously possessing someone, because he’s still chained in his gloomy cave of boredom, but ZYZ does recognize him. Or at least has a hunch. Probably because he tells ZYZ he wants to catch up before running off to a better spot to show himself. Or his rattle drum, at first. Which is all the confirmation ZYZ needs.

When the name Li Lun is mentioned, WX remembers that he’s her shifu’s killer. As far as she knows, anyway. After all, she heard him tell Zhao Wan’er that he was going to kill her when WX came running, only to be blasted unconscious by Li Lun. LL suggests letting her ‘remember’ the actual events and does his Truth Eyes trick on her. He tries to make her remember more, but it won’t click. And well, she kinda was unconscious when it all happened? Not sure people remember much from that. Buuut I digress. The idea is to share some musings. Not a guide to Li Lun sightings, or a retelling of the whole thing.

What it boils down to, is that LL holds a huge grudge against ZYZ for things that happened in the past. And he’s bitter about that, because they used to be friends. (Yes, I know, there are numerous ships sailing, but let’s stick to the terms used in the series. At least for now)

It takes a while for the bits and pieces of ZYZ and LL’s story to be shown, but the main things are that ZYZ did not approve of Li Lun’s murderous rampage 8 years ago, where he didn’t only kill people who were actually responsible for locking up and torturing demons, but also innocent bystanders, who were only getting medicine it that clinic. They didn’t know what was going on beneath their feet. (LL might argue that they didn’t care either, which may or may not be correct, and he doesn’t care about the rule that killing on human world excursions is forbidden in the first place. Because he hates humans on principle. Much like he believes all humans hate demons – on principle.) That, and ZYZ burned him with the ever burning fire that he absorbed while LL was having his little killing spree upstairs. Add to that that ZYZ didn’t stop the mere human Baize goddess when she sealed LL away as a punishment for his crime of randomly killing humans. To Li Lun, there was nothing random about it and according to his reasoning/way of seeing things, ZYZ should have backed him up, because demons were mistreated by humans. (Makes me wonder if those demons were on mortal world excursions with permission and if so, how long said permission lasts. Ah well.. *drags mind back on track*)

The way LL sees it, ZYZ abandoned him, betrayed him and physically hurt him. So that must mean their friendship, and he, himself, do not mean a thing to ZYZ. And probably never did. So he’s been fuming over that for the past 8 years. Which, considering that he’s ZYZ’s age, is less than the blink of an eye for him? Still a fresh wound, then.

I can see his frustration, because he didn’t hear ZYZ tell Zhao Wan’er that being locked up was the worst kind of punishment for someone like LL. He didn’t see how bad he felt for his friend. Didn’t see his tears. Or that wounding him with the ever burning fire was an accident. Just like absorbing the stuff in the first place. (Or did he?)

I mean, is this the look of someone who doesn’t care that his best friend is locked away? True, LL was a little preoccupied with being bound and locked away, but I think he might have seen it.

He didn’t see/shouldn’t have seen what came after, because all that was left of him at the scene was a leaf. Although.. it was LL who showed the full memory, including this part, to WX. So he somehow did see it? Through his leaf? All the way until after the whole blood moon episode, that ended with ZYZ crying his pretty eyes out, while trying to wash blood off his hands in a muddy puddle? Ah well. Even if he somehow obtained the memory in a different way, he would still have seen ZYZ’s emotions and words, so he should have known that ZYZ cared. Even someone as fond of acting as ZYZ is, isn’t going to do that for the benefit of someone who isn’t even there.

But I guess feelings are inferior to actions.

So.. should ZYZ have visited Li Lun in his prison? Cheng Huang did, so I’m fairly sure ZYZ would have been able to. But.. I doubt it would have changed a thing. LL isn’t really interested in hearing about what other people think, or wanted, or intended, or feel. Oh, he’ll be affected by it when he sees it. Eventually. But I strongly believe that if ZYZ tried to talk to him there, LL would just be angry and tell him that he’s a bad friend, unless he frees him (even if they both know he couldn’t). If not, get the beep out. I think ZYZ knew that, too. So he saved them both the pain of trying.

This is getting far too long already. So I guess I’m going to leave it here and do another one soon-ish. Didn't expect I'd have so much to say about him. I was going to say that for most of the series, he was a narrow minded, self-righteous idiot with a one track mind. But I guess it's a little bit more nuanced ;)

Part two: https://www.tumblr.com/somethingponysomething/784908315542028288/li-lun-musings-on-a-silly-tree-part-two?source=share

[cozymochi]

🩵 Of your wonderful ocs, who do you think is most likely to vie for a vice-housewarden position (and win)?

ask meme

The “and win” got me, cuz just from that it automatically rules them all out. NONE of them would vie and win. 😔😔😔 AND TO EXPLAIN I MUST BE CRINGE.

🦁🦁🦁

Savanaclaw has a vice-housewarden vacancy, sure. Hypothetically for Leona it’d be easier to have a guy he can shirk the mandatory duties off to, as going to Housewarden meetings is something he hates doing, but he also seems to value being the clear sole guy in charge at the same time. Maybe the latter takes a bit of precedence to a degree? It’s treated with a lot of hand-waving. Besides, all vice-housewardens presumptives would have to fight him, and nobody in the dorm is capable of that. The thought of having a vice-housewarden seems to appeal to Leona in a benign way, but only for the single matter, not much else. It’s probably not worth that extra step.

I think the thought of being Leona’s right hand appeals to Nyoka a lot, however I do not think Nyoka would bother trying to be vice-housewarden. Least of all the fact he kind of… wants to be in the background. It’s a mix of probably really wanting to just to be closer to someone he puts in such high esteem, but also wanting to keep things as they are. He sticks out enough just on principle, he doesn’t really want to stick out even more. Nyoka only steps up if called to, otherwise he will just stay in his lane. I don’t think Nyoka needs that much power, high key. They don’t need to be King John and Sir Hiss, as silly as the thought is. Nyoka is a fine occasional chess opponent to keep a mind sharp… Besides, if Nyoka was vice-housewarden and taking on all of Leona’s other duties, how could he possibly have time to keep Savanaclaw’s grading curve decent during exams. ☺️😩 Everyone has a role, and that’s his. Leona is such a swell guy for keeping that in mind.

Nyoka wouldn’t fight Leona anyway, powerscaling aside (Leona would win).

🐍🐍🐍

As it stands within Scarabia, Jamil is not backing down as vice-housewarden. That’s just off the table for myriad of reasons. Even then, magically Emilio has no shot against Jamil at all. However, that said, Jamil does find Emilio to be decently reliable at the end of the day. When Jamil is unavailable due to having a random adventure that doesn’t fit in the canon timeline, Emilio tends to be that guy to keep the dorm on track via following whatever crazy manual Jamil wrote up (Kalim will still try to be self-sufficient but he can still be pretty forgetful and act on bigger whims). Besides, Emilio isn’t gonna do a thing to Kalim.

I think as it stands in Scarabia that with how Emilio is he might have a decent shot at being considered a future straight up Housewarden, especially as Kalim and Jamil enter their third-year. His performative personality might be a tad annoying, but he’s still extremely detail-oriented and is pretty resourceful when it comes to anticipating future outcomes. That’s like his entire deal. His reliability might prove well for him in time. JUST NOT RIGHT NOW…

He does like the thought of being rewarded for his efforts.

🐉🐉🐉

You can forget challenging Lilia for Diasomnia vice. Cecil would get creamed. Besides, I’m fairly certain Cecil would want to aim higher than just vice-housewarden. …Which is also an automatic loss, if not a worse one. Cecil doesn’t really have any issue with Lilia as the current Diasomnia vice-housewarden anyway, so it’s not really a position he wants. Cecil already thinks Malleus isn’t a good leading housewarden to begin with, why would he wanna be the guy to pick up Malleus’ scraps? Everyone else in the dorm might be okay with it, but just the thought of being directly beneath a bigger shadow like that would be infuriating.

Silver already serves as an “Acting Housewarden” if Malleus and Lilia are unavailable, apparently. (According to Azul’s Halloween story) So, if I use that to inform my guess, it seems like even when their tenure runs out by the end of the year- Silver would be the go-to Housewarden nomination (ouch, lmfao). Given the way Silver is, he’d probably have Sebek be his vice-housewarden. The power of main character. Unfortunately, aside from basic nominations via leaders that seem to apply universally, we don’t really know the specific criteria required for Diasomnia on what makes somebody eligible for it. 😭 But hey even the Sebek thing is 50/50.

Cecil is already hella disadvantaged JUST from Diafam nepotism! /hj. But hey even the Sebek thing is 50/50 and based on nothing in particular except brub has a face. However, I can see Cecil trying for a position regardless after Malleus and Lilia dip. Assuming Cecil receives some kind of character development by this point I’d love for him to challenge one of those other guys. Being underneath Malleus is one thing… Silver? That’s different. Maybe he’d challenge Silver even, who knows.

[pseudowho]

i swear i must be your most silent reader. i peeked through my likes history and i havent made a single like since i started this account as a teenager and you are far far far and above the best writer/my favorite writer on tumblr.

does it upset you to know people dont like and reblog your stuff?

Nope. Couldn't bother me less. I don't fall on the 'reblog reblog reblog!!' bandwagon for myself or anyone else.

That's not to say I don't necessarily agree with the principle (because I fully believe in the existence of the social decline of artist appreciation, and the need to support artists, but that's not an individual in Tumblr's job, that's a wider issue of the Capitalist hellscape on which we live, in that the Government doesn't support it as it's hard to monetise joy), but I appreciate that:

Some people, like me, may just reblog the stuff they really want to be able to read again later. Sometimes you read something, and it's okay, but you're not struck with an 'Oh god, I can't lose this! I need to be able to read it again!' but with other pieces, you are. You can like something but not care to read it again. I get that. The thing is, the place you reblog stuff to is your blog for your own things, just the same as a writers'/artists' blog is their blog for their own things.

Some people, like you, just want to lurk and read and have fun and not get involved, and you know what? Good for them. You read what you like, beautiful people. Have fun.

I'm writing this shit anyway. I'm perfecting a craft here. Or...like...trying to. I didn't start writing looking for writing success and validation. I never saw myself as a writer. An audience is a pleasant and unexpected bonus. I'm aware there are others who have come here specifically for an audience and are disappointed to not receive what they believe they deserve, and as such that leads to...

I think there's an edge to the reblog culture that stinks of entitlement, where there are some writers or artists who blame a 'selfish audience' for a lack of perceived 'success'. It gives me the ick and I don't like it.

I'm aware I have 'reblog privilege' in that I enjoy a broad readership. It's up to my readers and audience to decide why this is.

Nonetheless, this is just me. I'm aware I may be a minority, here. Though I'm appreciative of every like and reblog, I don't yearn for them. There are some who do. Take notice, and be kind, and generous with your time and praises if you can.

In the meantime...

...I'll carry on doing what I'm doing.

Being quietly delighted that you enjoy my work.

And hoping you continue to stick around as a cheeky little lurker. I love you just as much as all the others.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[razielim]

So.... question. What happens to the Alethi forces that didn't make it to Azimir in time to help Yanagawn's/Adolin's forces defend it?

As I understand it, Retribution is keeping some oaths even if Dalinar broke his. Namely, the ones Odium made directly with certain rulers. So for that matter, I'm not entirely certain I understand why it stopped Everstorming over Azir. Because while Odium made direct guarantees to countries like Thaylenah, the global ceasefire and freezing of the borders was a contract he made one-on-one with Dalinar, now null and void. Is Retribution sticking to the broken contract anyway, on principle, as part of Taravangian's strategy to keep Honor from bucking his authority? Or was that contract made with, technically, all the individual states that Dalinar represented as head of the global coalition, and therefore he absolutely MUST stick to it still?

So back to the army. Is Retribution going to simply direct his agents to expel those armies onto Azir territory non-violently? Idk, it's just hard to understand which of Odium's oaths Retribution has been freed from because of Dalinar's gambit (they're gonna have to rename the Sunmaker's Gambit after him once everyone figures it out, huh?), and which ones he must still honor to... hold on to Honor.

And if that's the case, and that army returns, what are the odds we get to see a blended new Azish-Alethi culture in the back half, perhaps even with their own pidgin? Pretty much every single adult man in Azimir is dead now (or crippled, or abroad). And here comes a whole major army, the majority of which is Alethi, with no means to get home to Urithiru.

Also also... I just want to state for the record now that I'm recalling some of the less glorious details that all the Fused, Regals, and Singers just... stopping, checking the time, and then turning around and just fucking kicking rocks all the way back to the Oathgate having failed to capture the throne before the deadline is one of the most hilarious parts of the book.

On a related note, why did it NOT stop Everstorming on the Shattered Plains? Why do the Listeners have to ask Retribution to grant them Light rather than have access to the sun directly to grow their crops and survive? If that territory is now theirs alone, then Retribution has no claim to their worship, even if a small part of the population is Fused/Regal/Singer. Or is it because the Listeners were never officially part of the global coalition and therefore Dalinar's contract did not represent them? But if their skies don't belong to them the way Azish skies belong to Azir, why do Listeners get to keep the land that Sigzil ceded to them during the Alethi retreat? Why didn't El remain in control of Narak if Retribution's just going to patronize the inhabitants as if they were his own anyway? Is Retribution just fucking them over because they're not human and he can get away with it, and there's no long-distance communication anyway so they have no way of knowing they're getting screwed? But that spiteful reasoning wouldn't matter to Honor and Taravangian's taking pains to keep it placated.

Idk there's a lot of questions I have about how it all shook out in the end, and I wish I'd got a fuller picture of Retribution's obligations vs new freedoms as well as what autonomy will actually look like for those who managed to defend or secure land in the final struggle.

[4dkellysworld]

Alright so what I do to release is I bring up a thought or desire that I want to let go of. For example, a desire like I want to have clear skin. I then ask 'can I let go of this desire?" And then ask 'would I let go of this desire?' And finally I ask 'When?'. (Because I obviously don't want to carry that desire with me anymore and would like to be done with it, my answer towards those questions are always yes.) After the process I do tend to feel a little light sometimes, but then when I think about the desire again I still want it.

I just finished reading a pdf that goes into details on Lester's experience with dropping limitations and how he did it within those 3 months. And he basically talked about how some thoughts would take some time to drop and he would basically just keep releasing those until they were fully gone. Reading that helped me realize that maybe I am doing this right and I just need to keep releasing the desire and it will soon completely go. I have had this desire for almost 7 years now so i guess my attachment to it might be too strong and so that it why it's not going away in one session?

But anyways your inputs are always appreciated so if there is anything you want to let me know about or help me with, like maybe the conclusions i came to aren't fully correct, you can.

It does look like you're releasing correctly. However, as I've reiterated in many of my previous posts/answers now, releasing is just one form of letting go of ego, not the only one. I've found it best not to get too fixated on sticking to the one method and try to make everything fit into it by necessarily applying it to absolutely everything, it's better to assess each limitation on a case by case basis, be flexible and then do what feels right intuitively. It may be that releasing is not the best way to go about it for this particular desire. (But yes, for certain thoughts that are deeply rooted, it can take more than one session to completely release. It's best not to have expectations on how long it takes to release something)

Here are some other forms of letting go of ego you could explore if it resonates with you.

Identify the causative thoughts for why you don't have clear skin (for your example) and then drop them.

If we want a perfect body and we don’t have a perfect body, it means that we don’t have the conviction that we can make the body perfect. It means we are subconsciously holding in our mind a consciousness of an imperfect body. The body is an exact copy of the mind, the body being only our consciousness projected outwardly. We must change our subconscious thinking until we subconsciously have the conviction that our body is perfect. That will do it. - Lester Levenson, The Keys to the Ultimate Freedom

This follows the principle of taking responsibility for everything that happens to you, including the body and all circumstances. The body is simply a manifestation of your thoughts. For example, when people get sick, it's really that they are doing it to themselves (most often it's unconscious) as a result of various thoughts they had previously that became a habit and mindset. Taking Lester as an example, he found out that his health issues were a result of wanting love and approval from the world, wanting to change things in the world and fearing death itself. For past me who had health challenges, I realized I was used to thinking as the victim and believed that I needed to be in a state that garnered pity (such as being sick) in order to be safe and perceived as non-threatening and this naturally manifested eventually in health issues because I wanted to be safe and felt I wasn't! In other examples Lester has said, he has mentioned that skin rashes are really manifestations of mental irritations or conflicts that have now surfaced and to correct this is to identify what it is and then resolve it (undo it, see it isn't true, drop it). I've also realized that everything on the body are quite literally just thoughts that have taken form and are being expressed on the body (including suppressed emotions which is why releasing is important!) - if the body is not in a state of harmony, then the mind is not either because all comes from the mind. Obviously all limitations are silly to hold onto once you identify what they are and they should be dropped. These are just examples and your own thoughts that manifested into skin that you don't prefer won't necessarily be the same as these.

2. Identify why this particular desire exists. What does it symbolize to you? Beauty? Freedom? Purity? Health? All of the above or something else? Be honest with yourself and see what it represents to you. This is the lack that you perceive, this is what you think you don't have but in fact as infinite beings we never lack anything, the lack and limitations are just illusions, old programming & conditioning we once believed and accepted that are now operating automatically in the background but it isn't true. Then can you see how that lack isn't true after identifying it (feel free to reason it out and use logic to see how it is untrue)? If not, apply the exercise detailed here to what you perceive you lack (replace love with whatever it is you identified).

Once this core lack has been properly addressed and dissolved, you could see yourself having the symbol too (in whatever way suits you) but I think it's important not to attribute fulfillment or happiness to these externals. See first that it is all coming from within you then once you've set that right, you can have the symbol too if you want - so long you understand it's only a symbol and you aren't being dependent on it for fulfilling perceived lack.

You could try let go of it in a 4 step process as I've detailed in the second part of this ask here. I recommend doing each step completely and mindfully before moving onto the next rather than rush through them and then have to repeat the whole thing again.

Release any emotions and feelings attached to the limitation that is to be dropped by bringing it to mind and allowing them to be. You can use this method as a guide and modify it how you feel is best

Investigate within and identify the causative thoughts for the limitation then drop them

Identify what the core essence(s) are that you believe you lack (that this limitation represents or what you want this symbol to fulfill) and then either drop the belief of lack or allow yourself to see, feel and know that you are complete, whole and fulfilled (using whatever method feels right).

(Optional) See yourself having the symbol if you want - so long you understand it's only a symbol and aren't dependent on it for fulfilling perceived lack.

In all of this, the attitude is not to try to get rid of or fix something that is "wrong". Apply lots of love, kindness, compassion, understanding and patience. Don't fight the dream - the more you resist, the more it persists but what you look at and accept is given the opportunity to be released and dissolved. Accept everything and see them as neutral, even the parts that you don't prefer. Allow everything to be as it is. Then allow yourself to change your mind and think differently in ways that you prefer, without trying to make anything happen in the world. As Neville said "Indifference is the knife that severs. Feeling is the tie that binds."

Patience is key. Drop all expectations. Just focus on your state of consciousness, instead of getting things in the world. Don't look to the world for what is within.

[mrs-elsie-barnes]

Either The Darkness Alters Or (adjusts itself to midnight) | Bucky Barnes x Bob Reynolds (Bucky x The Void) | Oneshot 3k

When Bob accidentanlly inhales a mysterious substance, The Void steps in. But is it protecting, or punishing? Bucky has to find his way back to Bob for answers.

Warnings: 18+ for language, slur used, suggestion of drug abuse/addiction, homophobia, suggestion of masturbation, idiots in love, angst to fluff, implied fuck or die/suffer.

A/N:sex pollen, but make in angst...wait, make it fluff! Blame my period. Anyway, enjoy! Title is from Emily Dickenson's We grow assustomed to the Dark

HBS Week 6 July 6th - July 12th | “I need help.” | [Sex Pollen | Erectile Dysfunction | Fuck or Die] @buckybarnesevents

Masterlist | Hot Bucky Summer | Bucky Barnes | Bob Reynolds

Bob kicked his legs off the edge of the jet door, bored. He'd only tagged along on the mission because Bucky had promised him they could go out somewhere after. Bob liked to pretend they were little dates, when Bucky showed him old hole-in-the-wall pizza joints and bars in basements under busy sidewalks. No one had to know what he daydreamed about, certainly not Bucky himself.

But now the entire team had been gone for what felt like forever and really, there was only so long he could carry on like this.

With a sigh he jumped down, feet landing on the pock marked concrete that made up the abandoned landing strip behind the O.X.E facility. It had been Yelena's idea to secretly raid and destroy them behind Valentina's back, but everyone had agreed enthusiastically.

Everyone, really, except Bob.

He agreed in principle, but the idea of going back into one of those places gave him the shivers in a way that his friends understood in theory, but found it hard to understand in practice.

Now he circled the perimeter, keeping an ear out for any movement inside. They weren't expecting resistance, but you could never be too careful about these things and he wasn't always sure how compliant his Sentry side would be, should he need it unexpectedly.

One of the solid metal doors had been propped open with a box of files and various other crates were huddled around it. Ava had wanted to see what they could pilfer and put away for later, so they must have thought this was useful.

The papers were boring, but there was a shiny chrome briefcase that opened when Bob toed it, now that was significantly more interesting. A sly voice in the back of his mind wondered if there'd be something for him to enjoy, the next time the team left him home alone.

Inside were various vials of liquid in a rainbow of colours. He recognised the greenish one, something he'd been injected with during his trial. Bucky had told him the blue one was a new serum variant, probably useful to keep an eye on that, but there were also vials in yellow, pink, red and black. All unlabelled. Bob rolled his eyes, of course they were unlabelled.

He picked the red one out and turned it over in his palm, there was the symbol for 'irritant' on the back and some general hazard warnings, but nothing specific.

"Whatcha got there?" Bucky's voice cut through the silence and Bob jumped, his fingers slipping on the vial. He dropped with it, hoping to catch it in his empty palm but it slid past his finger tips and shattered on the floor in a spray of glittering shards and viscous liquid.

"Oh no!" Bob kept moving, falling onto his knees and picking up the larger shards.

"Get away from there!" Bucky grabbed the back of Bob's sweater and yanked him backwards, arms around his waist, he hauled him back against his chest.

"I didn't mean to drop it." Bob mumbled.

"I know — I know," Bucky agreed, more softly. "I don't care about the damn thing, I was worried about you."

Bob looked down at his hands, there was something sticking to his fingers, sinking down into his palms. It itched, burned as it soaked in and he began scrubbing his hands on the rough material of his tactical trousers.

"Did you get something on you?" Bucky hooked his chin over Bob's shoulder, concerned.

"Something, I dunno what though." Bob continued scrubbing his hands, the itch travelling up through his wrists now, fiery and hot, like being electrocuted in slow motion.

"We don't know what was in that, we need to get the medical kit." Bucky kept his arm around Bob as he dragged him to the jet, "I'm sure there's some saline or something we can rinse your hands with." His tone was very matter of fact, but Bob had been watching Bucky for a while now, and he could see the tell-tale set of his jaw that meant he really was worried, maybe annoyed, it was hard to get it right every time.

In his own world, oblivious to Bob's staring, Bucky rummaged for the first aid kit. Behind him, Bob writhed, his eyes swimming with tears and gold flecks.

He felt hot, too hot, sticky and unsatisfied, hungry and wanting. "No — no no no no no." Bob rubbed his hands over his eyes and then turned away from Bucky's back, hunching over and using the heels of his hands to try and cover his lap.

"Hold it together over there, kid, I'm goin' as quick as I can." Bucky didn't turn as he spoke, which Bob was thankful for because the way he called him kid had every cell in his body screaming. It was so much, everything was so much and then…it felt quieter, the room dimmed, his eyes hazy even while they tried to focus on Bucky.

"I don't know if I can stop it this time." He whispered, instantly getting the other man's attention.

"Stop what?" Bucky's brow creased as he assessed him, there was something shadowed about him, despite the light still pouring in from the open door. The more he looked, the darker the air around Bob seemed to become as if he was sucking the light from the air itself.

"I think I need help."

Bucky took a step towards him, muscles tense, ready to fight if he had to. But Bob didn't make another move, just relaxed back into the darkness as if he owned it. His eyes filled with gold, but the rest of him was vanishing into the ether.

"Are you still there, Bob?"

"I'm always here," the Void purred back, "I'm always here and I'm always wanting and I'm not giving your precious Bob back until we're both satisfied."

"You should know," Bucky grit his teeth, "I don't negotiate very well."

"Oh I don't expect you to negotiate." The Void's eyes sparkled, the only part of him that was vaguely human, and Bucky took a tentative step closer. "I expect you to say yes. I expect you to want to help that sad, little creature."

The Void waved his hand at his own head and Bucky's body tensed further. "Don't hurt him."

"Don't hurt him." The Void mocked, "I'm not going to hurt him, he hurts himself, it's boring. He's in such agony, pining, yearning, pathetic." The Void's even tone turn harsher, spitting out the words.

Bucky's mind raced, pining? Yearning? For what?

"Whatever he needs, he doesn't need to send you, we're his friends, we'll help him anyway we can." Bucky hoped and prayed Yelena was on her way, she was so much better at this than him.

The Void laughed, "friends? He doesn't want friends, he doesn't need, friends. He needs —" the darkness receded briefly and for a moment the dark fog that had settled over Bob lifted, to reveal his cheeks, flushed, his lips parted as he gasped for his words.

"Bucky — this isn't how I wanted you to find out and —" Bob's words were choked.

The darkness was back, crawling towards him, leeching the light from the jet as it crawled over each rivulet and bolt.

"It's okay, Bob, whatever it is, it's all going to be okay."

Bucky knew what was coming, it wouldn't be the first time The Void had consumed him and he was sure it wouldn't be the last. His worst memories and darkest most shameful moments, each more terrible than the last, yet somehow he felt stronger every time…he fell into it. Let Bob, The Void, the pitch black fear of not knowing where he'd end up, take him over.

He would help him.

Any way he could.

It was brighter, in the shame room, as Yelena had called it, one he hadn't seen before and it took Bucky a moment to realise this wasn't his shame. It was Bob's.

"Please, please don't leave me." Bob crawled across the filthy ground towards a door, he looked dirty too, his long sleeved shirt too large and hanging off his skinny frame. His cheek bones were sharp and his eyes sunk into his wan features. "I'll be better, please, just don't leave me, I'll do anything, anything."

He grasped onto the man's leg, the acid wash of his jeans matching the pale colour of Bob's hands, marked with scars.

"Anything?" The man shook his leg and Bob fell back, sprawled on the floor beside take out boxes and empty snack packets. He looked so small and helpless, but so determined, the set of his sallow eyes held something Bucky had seen more recently, a desire to live.

"Anything, I'll do anything, please."

"There's another job I need you to do." The man crouched down, brushing Bob's long hair behind his ear in a way that made Bucky's stomach turn. "Have you ever been to Malaysia?"

Bob shook his head slowly.

"Get your passport, I have something you need to take to a friend."

Bob scrambled around the room, grabbing his passport and a small duffle bag while the other man watching, lighting a cigarette and tapping the ash carelessly onto the floor.

"Let's go." He dropped the cigarette too close to Bob's arm, putting it out with his heel and spilling a half-empty beer bottle in the process.

Bucky fell forwards, through the glossy beer dripping between the floorboards and suddenly he was in boy's locker room.

He'd been to school, of course, but this was another league, shining locker doors and the scent of lemon cleaner on the gleaming floor that squeaked whenever the team moved over it in their neat kits. He searched for Bob's face, but couldn't find it.

There was a sense of unease though, a sick feeling that crept up his spine and made him shiver. Sometimes his rooms were like this too, places he should've been, Rebecca's wedding, his mother's funeral. Places he'd never see that his sub-conscious longed for. Is this what Bob wanted? What The Void would demand of them? Did he actually want to be a West Chesapeake Thunderbolt after all?

The boys filed out of the room, smacking each other's football helmets and hooting with excitement. The room went quiet, then there was the sharp clang of metal and one of the larger lockers opened and Bob fell out onto the floor. His laces were tied together, sports tape over his mouth and, on his forehead, in black marker pen, someone has scrawled "faggot".

That was a word Bucky was unfortunately very familiar with. He took a step towards Bob and met his panicked eyes, crouching beside him he gently pulled the tape from his mouth.

"I didn't want you to see me like this." The younger Bob whispered, turning away, his tears ran in silent tracks down his face, muddied and bloodied from his still leaking nose.

"Bob, I'm sorry, let's leave and we can talk about it." Bucky untied his messy laces and redid them with a tight bow before standing and holding out his hand.

Bob took it with shaky fingers, allowing himself to be pulled upright and then they were tumbling backwards, stomachs lurching until they landed on Bob's bed in the tower.

Bucky stumbled off the edge, tugging the sheet as he feel and banging his elbow on the bedside table.

"You alright, Bob?" Bucky sat up rubbing his arm and peering over the side of the bed.

But the previous Bob was gone — this Bob was older, his Bob — Bucky's mind helpfully supplied before he could stop it. A Bob scrubbed clean and fresh from the shower with wet curls on his forehead, he'd pulled on a t-shirt, which clung in patches on his chest and left the towel over his lower half.

Bucky looked away, but he couldn't stop himself from hearing the guttural moan. This was all so familiar somehow. Was it because Bucky had done the same only the evening before? Clenching his teeth to stop himself from crying out?

"Hey, Bob, do you — oh shit I'm so sorry." His own voice echoed through the room — ah yes, that's why it was familiar.

"Bucky — I'm sorry!"

"No, no, I'm sorry! Shouldn't have just come in — walked in! Sorry!"

Bucky remembered vividly that he'd turned and left before he could really see anything of Bob, and had then spent the rest of his evening wracked with both guilt and lust at the thought of the younger man doing that.

Now he was waiting for Bob to do something, anything.

"Such a fucking idiot, Bobby." He scolded himself. "Jesus, fuck, what if he fucking noticed the shirt. Stupid, stupid, stupid."

The offending item fell to the floor beside Bucky and he realised two things very quickly. One, Bob didn't know he was there, and two, that was his shirt.

Bob rolled off the other side of the bed, padding to the en suite and slamming the door. Bucky scrambled up, catching sight of his own flushed expression in the wall length mirror by the bedroom door.

There he was on the other side, in his tactical gear, still creeping towards The Void. It's eyes were still shining, the whole world suspended, waiting —

Bucky fell one last time.

"What the fuck are you playing at?!" Bucky growled, lurching for the darkness and missing as it dodged to one side, floating slightly above the floor of the jet. For a moment he thought he saw Bob again, his hair falling forwards, the cool blue of his eyes.

"Just keeping you distracted." It laughed and Bucky's brow furrowed as he tried to tune himself into each tiny sound around him.

Had the others been attacked? Was he hurt?

Then he caught sight of the vial again, really looked and a sick memory flashed before his eyes, one last shame room inescapable in his mind.

"That shit Bob inhaled, it's going to kill him, isn't it?" Bucky's voice was low, serious, his eyes dark as he approached again.

"Probably, the little worm, if only he'd had any guts at all, if only he'd been able to tell you any of the cute little feelings he keeps up here —" The Void pointed to the shadowy temple where their hair blew gently in a phantom breeze. "I thought it'd be more fun to take you through some of his highlights instead. Shall we do yours next?!"

"Fuck. Off." Bucky hurled himself at The Void, grabbing at his arms and pinning him down. "Give him back, give Bob back."

The darkness braced, as if expecting a blow, but Bucky ran his fingers through it's hair, the smokey tendrils turning to mousey brown. He cupped The Void's cheek, catching the pinprick sparkle of its eyes and staring into them.

"I know you're in there, Bob, I know you're still there and that you're hurting. It hurt me too, I was scared too. But I'll help you get through it, I want to help you, just come back to me."

The Void fought back, pushing against Bucky's grip until he had to dig his nails into the abyss of his shirt, fingertips vanishing beneath the surface.

"I know you're there, Bob, come back to me, we can fix this together."

The body beneath him thrashed again, trying to kick Bucky off, digging his heels in.

"Come back to me," Bucky's voice was soft and low, a rumble of thunder.

The Void went quiet, almost pliant in Bucky's grasp and slowly, just as he'd vanished, Bob returned, sweating and pale and shaking.

"Bucky," he rasped.

"Bob, I'm here, I'm here." Bucky sat back up, scooping Bob into his arms and cradling him against his chest. "It's going to be okay, I know what you inhaled and I'm going to help you."

Bob gave a full body shudder, biting his lip to stop the deep, pained noise that was building in his chest.

"I didn't want you to see that, Bucky, those rooms —"

"Hey, look —" Bucky took his face in his hands, "I see you, all of you, and I want to help you."

"That last room —" Bob sobbed now, frightened, in pain and so scared that Bucky had truly seen his most recent shame. He should never have taken Bucky's shirt, let alone worn it to…

"I see you and I want to help. Please. I should never have opened that door without waiting for you to answer, it was entirely my fault. But I'm not going to pretend I haven't thought about you sprawled on the bed like that every night since."

Both men went pink, pausing in their fear.

"Really?"

"Really." Bucky said, softly, tangling his fingers in Bob's hair again and drawing him closer, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. After a moment, Bob pulled back reluctantly.

"You said you know what's wrong with me. It hurts ."

Bucky cringed, "If it's what I think, it was designed as part of breeding programme while I was in Siberia…"

"A breeding — oh fucking hell — I can't be fucking bred — When will it stop!?" Bob's eyes were wide, pleading.

"Uh — well." Bucky's jaw tightened as he thought of how to explain, ears pinker than ever.

"Nevermind, I get it, I — oh god."

Bob covered his face with his hands, but Bucky pulled them away again, holding them both and kissing his knuckles.

"Don't worry, I told you — I want to help."

Despite everything Bob couldn't help but smile and Bucky couldn't help but kiss him again.

[cha-melodius]

Five Ten Under 500

There have been a bunch of open tags on this one but @three-drink-amy tagged me directly so here goes. To start I have to say it's wild to me, as someone coming from small or quiet fandoms, and who joined the RWRB community well before the movie, that netting under 500 kudos is now considered a lower number in this fandom. A couple of years ago it meant a lot to me to hit 500 kudos for the first time on a fic. Anyway.

I've loved seeing everyone's lists (so many new fics added to my tbr!), but they've also reminded me that there is a definite recency bias, especially among fics that didn't already have a good number of kudos. So, all of my choices are fics that were released before the movie came out. Even with that, I couldn't stick with only five, so you get five more under the cut (and I still had to leave out a lot of fics I loved, including others from the same authors listed here).

Culper Ring, 1778–1783 by @historicallysam This is a series of 10 vignettes set during the American revolution and not one of these fics has over 100 kudos, which is a crime. So well-written and researched, and full of intrigue and feelings, I will always champion this series of fics.

Why Do We Even HAVE That Curse? by @cricketnationrise The Mummy AU. Who doesn't love The Mummy?? I might be biased because I betaed this one but if you love action and adventure and romance, you must read this!

The Way You Seemed by @orchidscript 1950s High School AU—think Grease but gayer. I think this might be one of the first Cora fics I read, and it bowled me over. The vibes, the romance, the historical accuracy, it's so so excellent.

Red, White, & Royal Ballet by @tintagel-or-cockleshells Ballet AU. Everything you want out of an enemies/rivals to lovers arc, and so much excellent ballet. Includes videos!

Love and Hate at the Farmers' Market by @myheartalivewrites Farmers market vendors AU. This is soooooo adorable and about to be very seasonable! Never get tired of Alex being mad about Henry's very existence.

El Chico Del Apartamento 512 by @14carrotghoul A cute little enemies-to-lovers neighbors AU and an absolute riot!

Soli by @cheesecurdsgravyandfries Orchestra AU! As an oboist, Henry as principle oboe owns my entire heart. This is so sweet and lovely!

make the yuletide gay by @dumbpeachjuice The concept behind this one is absolutely unhinged, but it's just as hilarious as you would expect from our dear peaches. Put it on your list for reading this holiday season!

a pillar i am, upright by inmoonlightigetseasick Surprise surprise, another historical AU. Medieval knight/prince, together at the front of war. Really wonderful development of their relationship and truly excellent vibes.

and if you'll forgive me the self-promotion...

The Spirit of Giving by yours truly Also for the holidays, a neighbors AU that leans heavily on the food as a metaphor for love trope.

[katyspersonal]

To be honest, I don't know how to get genuinely and deeply invested in something that isn't a Soulsborne universe anymore. For me it just isn't a passing hyperfixation that can be possibly replaced with some other game, no matter how high quality or meeting my "checkmarks". The worst I do is stretch my attention span between several From's universes instead of hardlocking on just one, and I didn't even touch Sekiro with a ten yards stick yet!

But, I've found in these universes, stories and characters understanding that I've failed to find in the real world, from real people. I've always looked in art instead, I think even before any knowledge or retrospection I just always unconsciously could tell the world didn't want me. Wasted a lot of time and effort seeking comfort and understanding in other "rejects" only to be abused by them and then thrown away when they've found other people who liked them but without my glaring flaws.

But I feel "seen" with these games, like never else. I feel understood with my despair, my perspective on society and humanity, my questioning of existence, the dread, the conflict with self and world, the inevitability, the failure to come up with the decision that would solve everything forever, the wonder, the struggle, the dilemma between needing to know and better off not knowing, the cycles, the way society tries to get rid of what they fear, the distrust but hope too, the knowledge that to lose suffering is to lose happiness too but also the root of my suffering itself... it is everything. I can relate to so many characters. It understands not just me, but also humanity in general; the very humanity that never really spoke to me, but it is as if I can feel a part of it again. No wonder I sometimes fall for jealously guarding these stories and characters. It hurts when something so personal and important is grossly misunderstood and when they try to throw it into the same evil machine that has been grinding and spitting out art for over a decade now. I guess I have to hold myself back and remember that how others see it doesn't effect me personally.. except, it does when this misunderstanding of the source material leads them to be mean to me, my friends or just fans in general. And engaging and defending just will make you become this same bad thing; again, something From covered too (Abyss Watchers). I discovered hope; not because there is anything good realistically waiting for me in my life, but because From explained the concept to me coherently enough. From taught me more than any preachy posts on how to people, or my authorities, or even my parents.

I am nearing my 30s, I will soon lose even attempts to be loved and understood. I won't ever hear things like "I wish I could hug you" again, I will enter the territory of "emotionally stunted adult" everyone loathe and fear. Though what does it matter if I was condemned my whole life anyways, they will merely switch their weapon. And I will never change. What happened to me long ago was akin to being forced to grow inside of an egg long past the point of hatching, so now I hatched as a small and malformed version of an adult animal and will die fast and unaccomplished. And I at least found these games to understand me.

Only, they won't last long either. I know corporative brainrot is coming for them too, I know Miyazaki won't be able to protect their principles and quality for the rest of my feeble uneventful life. How do I know that? From's games taught me that nothing good lasts forever, it all must die and will rot horrendously if it isn't allowed to. Art as well. But I also can at least deal with it in advance, I accept deaths of concepts and things I cherish easier too. I still hope that I'll come up with my own world eventually, and that I'll also kill it before it rots.

[aishangotome]

Minamoto no Yoshitsune: Chapter 5

Chapter 4

♡———♡

Yoshino: Yoshitsune-sama…?

???: …

When I called out to him hesitantly, the man turned around and removed his mask…

Yoshitsune: How did you know?

He tilted his head in wonder.

(It really was Yoshitsune-sama!)

Yoshino: Wh-Why are you... here of all places...?

(I thought the next time we'd meet would be on the battlefield...)

I called out to him on impulse, but my body stiffened at the realization that I was alone with an enemy commander, and I took a step back.

Yoshitsune: Don't be so wary. I have no intention of causing a commotion here.

Yoshino: Is that so...?

(But I can't imagine him coming to enemy territory alone. He must have someone with him...)

As I looked around, Yoshitsune-sama spoke as if he had read my mind.

Yoshitsune: I came to Kamakura alone.

Yoshitsune: I didn't even tell Benkei and the others. I infiltrated under the cover of the festival's commotion.

Yoshino: Infiltrated...?

To my question, Yoshitsune-sama kept his distance and threw out words.

Yoshitsune: Well, you've discovered my true identity, haven't you?

Yoshitsune: It was a waste, even though I tried to appear with a mask I luckily had with me.

(He went through the trouble of wearing a mask to hide his identity from me. But...)

Yoshino: Why did you even have a mask in the first place? Was it perhaps for a disguise or something...?

Yoshitsune: No.

He looked down at the fox mask, looking a little disappointed.

Yoshitsune: I don't dislike the festival atmosphere. I thought I could enjoy it a little.

(Wh-What an unexpected reason!)

(Is Yoshitsune-sama... a bit of an airhead?)

Yoshitsune: ––Anyway,

Yoshitsune: I promise I won't harm Yoshino tonight.

Yoshitsune: In exchange, you must not make a fuss until I leave.

(So it's not reconnaissance either?)

Yoshitsune-sama's straightforward words didn't seem to contain any lies.

(I know it's dangerous to trust an enemy commander, but...)

(Yoshitsune-sama kept his promise to 'spare me' before.)

(And most of all, he saved me when I was about to be assaulted by bandits.)

Encouraged by this fact, I lowered my guard.

Yoshino: Um, it's a bit late to ask, but why did you save me?

Yoshitsune: That's...

Yoshitsune-sama opened his mouth slowly, his expression unchanged.

Yoshitsune: I have no right to judge you either.

Yoshitsune: It leaves a bad taste to ignore someone when you have the means to help.

(Ah––)

**cabin flashback**

Yoshitsune: Why did you help him, knowing he was your enemy?

Yoshino: What…?

Yoshitsune: Answer me.

Yoshino: Well…

Yoshino: …I’m a pharmacist.

Yoshino: Having the means to treat someone and yet ignoring an injured person right in front of you is akin to being a murderer.

**end of flashback**

Back then, Yoshitsune-sama dismissed me, but he also said... "Everyone has contradictions."

(If he hates Yoritomo-sama enough to borrow the power of ayakashi,)

(Then surely he should kill me, who cooperates with Yoritomo, by any means necessary.)

And yet, Yoshitsune-sama extended a helping hand to me in my time of need.

Yoshino: Th... thank you, Yoshitsune-sama.

Yoshitsune: I did it of my own accord.

His nonchalant dismissal of his actions felt somewhat dazzling.

––At the same time, I recalled the day I saw Yoshitsune-sama in battle.

(I was chilled when I saw him charge towards the enemy without fear of injury.)

He skillfully maneuvered his horse, advancing towards the enemy.

Many soldiers were repelled by the overwhelming difference in strength.

(And yet...)

No matter how skilled he is in tactics, no matter how dangerous his fighting style, Yoshitsune-sama always sticks to his principles in the end.

(I don't think Yoritomo-sama would fight so recklessly. But...)

**imperial palace flashback**

Yoritomo: I intend to guarantee your personal safety, at the very least, since I’m bringing a mere woman onto the battlefield.

Yoritomo: However, there’s no such thing as absolute safety, as you experienced in the previous battle.

Yoritomo: Even so, it is the shogunate’s decision to continue involving you in this matter.

Yoritomo: Therefore, if you choose to cooperate with us of your own volition, it would be only fair to guarantee you better treatment than before.

**end of flashback**

(The more I get to know Yoritomo-sama, the more I feel that he is a fair person, even if it's hard to understand.)

(... There are some similarities between Yoritomo-sama and Yoshitsune-sama after all.)

The fact that these two were enemies caused a sharp pain in my chest.

Yoshitsune: Yoshino? Is something wrong?

Yoshino: ...N-No, it's nothing.

I was startled to realize that I had unconsciously clenched my fingers.

Yoshitsune: I see. Then, I must be going.

(...!)

As Yoshitsune-sama turned to leave, I called out to him on impulse.

Yoshino: Wait!

Yoshitsune: What is it?

(Oh no, I just...)

I was confused, not knowing why I had called out to him.

But for some reason, I felt like I shouldn't just let him go like this.

My eyes suddenly fell on the package I was holding.

Yoshino: ...Do you dislike dango?

Yoshitsune: ...Dango?

Yoshino: I just bought it at a stall. Would you like to eat it as a thank you for helping me?

Yoshitsune: There's no need for thanks. I did it of my own accord.

Yoshino: That's not how it works. I'd feel bad if I didn't do anything...

Yoshino: Ah, perhaps you don't eat dango? Should I have bought something else?

(Was it rude to offer food from a stall in the first place...?)

Yoshitsune-sama furrowed his brow slightly, as if a little perplexed by my anxious rambling.

Yoshitsune: That's not the case, but...

Yoshino: Th... then, please.

Yoshitsune: Very well.

(Thank goodness...)

We sat side by side on the stone steps, and I quickly took out the dango.

Yoshino: Here you go.

Yoshitsune: Ah. Thank you.

Yoshitsune-sama received the dango and casually popped it into his mouth.

Yoshino: Wow... It's so chewy and delicious.

Yoshitsune: ...Indeed.

(I should buy some for Tamamo as a souvenir.)

(Ah, but he's a gourmet, so he might say, "Dango from a stall?")

Yoshitsune: ............

(Huh? ...He seems to be frozen.)

Yoshino: ...Lord Yoshitsune? Did you not like it?

Yoshitsune: The taste is fine.

Yoshitsune: ...But this dango is quite chewy and a bit of a struggle.

Yoshitsune: It's difficult to time the chewing.

(Eh?)

Yoshino: Does that mean you don't like chewy things?

Yoshitsune: It seems so. It makes me sleepy while eating.

(Yet another unexpected side of him...)

(The difference between his appearance and his demeanor on the battlefield is truly extreme!)

Yoshino: I'm sorry, I didn't know... I should have gotten something else.

Yoshitsune: It's alright.

Yoshitsune: Your gratitude has been conveyed sufficiently.

Yoshino: Yoshitsune-sama...

(He really is... a sincere person through and through.)

--CHOICES--

You're so kind

Thank you

I'll choose something different next time

--------------

Yoshino: You're kind.

Yoshitsune: I merely stated the obvious.

Yoshitsune: But if that's how you see it, then so be it.

Having finished the dango, Yoshitsune-sama mutters to himself.

Yoshitsune: ...What a pleasant breeze.

The leaves rustle in the night wind, creating a soothing sound.

As I listen to the sound of the leaves and look up at the night sky, I see a pale moon floating.

Yoshitsune: The moon is beautiful tonight.

Yoshitsune: The moon seen in Hiraizumi is no different in beauty from the moon seen in Kamakura.

(Speaking of which...)

Yoshitsune-sama's words remind me of our first encounter.

Yoshino: You said you came to Kamakura alone, didn't you, Yoshitsune-sama?

Yoshitsune: If Benkei-san knew, he would nag me endlessly.

(Benkei-san... is that the scary-looking guy?)

(He's surprisingly overprotective...)

Yoshino: Why did you come all the way to Kamakura?

Yoshitsune: Well...

Yoshitsune-sama's eyes seemed to darken in the night.

A brief silence filled the air as I held my breath, and then a low voice echoed in the wind.

Yoshitsune: I wanted to see the town I would eventually destroy one last time before the battle.

(The last time...?)

Yoshino: Have you been to Kamakura before?

Yoshitsune: I stayed here when I was under Yoritomo-sama.

Yoshitsune: I was quite fond of Kamakura, but...

Yoshitsune: Shortly after the war with the Heike, I was exiled by Yoritomo-sama.

Yoshino: That's terrible...

(To think that it was his own brother who exiled him...)

Yoshitsune: That's why I came here to burn this last image into my memory.

Yoshitsune: ...The town and its people. They haven't changed from my memories.

Various emotions cast fleeting shadows on his sculpted, white profile.

Only he could know what those feelings were.

(But... I feel like I've touched Yoshitsune-sama's heart a little.)

We both fell silent, lost in our own thoughts, when––

???: Hey, hey...

(A child's voice...?)

A small boy emerged from the trees.

Boy: ...Oh man, he's not here either.

Yoshino: What's wrong? Are you looking for someone?

Boy: Ah, there are people here!

The boy notices us and approaches.

Boy: Have you seen my little brother? He's wearing a blue kimono...

Yoshino: No, I haven't seen him.

Boy: I see...

Yoshitsune-sama suddenly speaks to the dejected boy.

Yoshitsune: Did you get separated?

The boy flinches at the quiet question, then nods timidly.

Boy: Yeah... We had a fight, and he ran off.

Yoshino: Oh dear, that's worrying.

(With so many people in town, it must be hard to find someone once you're separated...)

Boy: It was his fault to begin with. But maybe I got too angry...

Boy: ...I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him.

The boy clenches his small hands and tears well up in his eyes.

Boy: He must hate me now...

(Ah... It's easy to feel insecure after a fight.)

Yoshino: It's alright––

As I start to speak--

Yoshitsune: There's no brother who can easily hate his older brother.

(Yoshitsune-sama...?)

Yoshitsune-sama's words made the boy blink.

Boy: Really...?

Yoshitsune: Yes.

Yoshitsune-sama gently placed his hand on the boy's head.

Yoshitsune: But it's better to get along from now on.

Yoshitsune: ––Because people can't always walk the same path forever.

(Ah...)

Yoshitsune-sama's profile, illuminated by the moonlight, floated whitely in the darkness.

(I've never seen anyone with such a sad face.)

Even though his expression shouldn't have changed...

My heart tightened at the emotions quietly swirling in his eyes.

(Why does he look like that?)

I was incredibly curious, but...

(...I need to think about this child right now.)

I met the boy's eyes and spoke to him gently.

Yoshino: If you'd like, I can help you look for him.

Boy: Really?

Yoshino: Of course!

Yoshitsune: Then I shall join the search as well.

Yoshino: Really!?

Boy: Th-Thank you, big brother, big sister!

(But...)

I whispered to Yoshitsune-sama.

Yoshino: Is it alright? What if someone sees your face?

Yoshitsune: No one would think I'd be attending a festival with women and children.

Yoshino: Ah, that's true...

Yoshitsune: Besides, if need be, I can carve a path for myself even if I become a fugitive.

(He's that confident in his abilities.)

Yoshino: ...I understand. If you say so.

Yoshitsune-sama nodded once and looked around.

Yoshitsune: We haven't seen your brother since we've been here. Let's go out into the town.

Yoshino: Yes, he might be wandering around, drawn by the festival sounds.

I held out my hand to the boy.

Yoshino: Let's hold hands so we don't get separated, okay?

Boy: Okay!

The boy smiled brightly and took my hand.

Then, he boldly reached out his other hand to Yoshitsune-sama.

Boy: Here, big brother!

Yoshitsune: .....

(Wow...)

Yoshino: Um, this person... well, he's not the type to do that sort of thing...

Yoshitsune: Is this alright?

(Eh?)

Yoshitsune-sama, who had taken the boy's hand, asked flatly.

Boy: Yeah! Let's go, let's go!

Yoshino: W-Wait...!

I was pulled along by the boy, who started walking excitedly.

(...This feels strange. How do we look to others?)

(We certainly don't look like a family.)

Perhaps because the festival music was getting closer, I felt strangely restless.

(I wonder what Yoshitsune-sama is thinking?)

I glanced at his white profile, but as usual, I couldn't read his expression.

-

The town was even more crowded than before.

Yoshitsune: He doesn't seem to be here... Let's try looking over there.

Yoshino: Yes.

(I hope we find him soon...)

Boy: ...Ah!

Yoshitsune: What is it?

.

.

.

.

.

Chapter 5 Premium Story

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here! :)