#I made more friends a a concert age 14 than I have from me the ages of 16-19 and i think that’s ridiculous

[milo-is-rambling]

Me when I want to be wanted more than anything else

[averys-nightmare-zone]

since landing is closing down soon, i decided to take a quick break from SUPERSTRUCTURE (although i will be back don't you worry two fans) and made some fashion moodboards for the 14 fears from the magnus archives to accompany this post there will be some notes and insight on each collage under the cut.

the buried: the buried was really underutilized in the podcast imo. some of my favorite episodes revolved around the buried like lost john's cave and we all ignore the pit. i really hope this did it justice since jonny sims did not.

the corruption: oh my god this one was so hard to make. my google search history is full of terms like "bug infested dress", "moldy clothing" and "yucky fashion" the corruption girlies really seemed to like my last post so i felt obligated to get it right. i think i did okay.

the dark: making a black on black collage look decent is really hard 😭 I was originally going to go victorian for this one but ended up doing nu goth instead since I thought victorian fit a lot better with the end.

the desolation: this is one of my favorites. there's somthing so satisfying about combining ashy greys and black with orange it just tickles my brain. other than that, i don't really have any notes

the end: as mentioned earlier, i went with victorian mourning wear for the end. i mean queen victoria herself was in mourning and only wore black for forty years. that era is so synonymous with death it only felt fair to work its customs and fashion into my end board.

the eye: eye avatars are legally required to wear academic fashion. it just comes with the job description. i don't make the rules. have fun being jonathan sims

the flesh: this one really took me down a rabbit hole. first:, i could only find those anti-vegan shirts that your unemployed uncle wears to the family barbecue and then i came across this fashion designer and spent like an hour on her shop trying to figure out how she got her clothes to look like that. after that it took me another two hours to find all of the accessories. pinterest has been both my best friend and worst enemy over the course of this project.

the hunt: i am so sorry the supernatural gas leakage returned to my home when i made this and I age regressed into being 15 again. when i was making this i pictured it more as the trevor and julia flavor of the hunt instead of say, daisy. god breast america.

the lonely: this one was pretty easy to make once i got a handle on the color scheme. the aesthetic of the lonely has always striken me as a romanticization of the melancholy. think wanderer above the sea of fog. So i gave this one all the things i would romantasize about my life at my loneliest, which is why there's a teacup and a heart locket. the book was also a part of that, but it also doubles as a recreation of a leitner by theponderingalpaca on reddit.

the slaughter: yeah yeah i know the slaughter is supposed to be about war as well as murder, but forgive me for not making a fashion collage about military uniforms. that's really boring. i had just watched woodstock '99 before i made this though and decided to go more for that angry punk/metalhead fashion that korn was wearing in that concert. them and limp biskit are the closest we'll ever get to irl grifters bone.

the spiral: i made this moodboard twice. i know its crazy that the fear meant to represent insanity is hard to pin down, but i think i did it better the second time around. the first one read too much as regular kidcore/decora for my taste.

the stranger: i had to do this one last. i could not for the life of me figure out how to make a circus/uncanny fashion board without just doing clown fashion. i'm still not entirely sure how i feel about how it turned out, but at least the masks are cool.

the vast: vast avatars rise up!! this is a mike crew fan blog and i only wanted to base the fashion around him. he's in the top three list of guys i'm autistic about with elliott stardew valley and daniel powell from archive 81.

the web: not much to say here except if you are a web avatar you have to wear a cunty dress. it is simply non negotiable

thank you to @artmadval for giving me the idea to do this with your amazing fashion archives art, along with everyone else who went through all my yapping to get here. love yall!

[justforbooks]

Françoise Hardy

Icon of 60s music who sang of love as a source of ‘wretched, profound, endless questioning’

Françoise Hardy, who has died of cancer aged 80, shot to fame as part of France’s génération yé-yé, the jaunty transatlantic and cross-channel collision between French chanson and American rock’n’roll that also produced Johnny Hallyday and France Gall. But from the start, there was something that set her apart: a wistfulness, a sentimental self-reflection, a poise that belied a lifelong shyness and insecurity. A 60s icon, as big, for a while, in London as in Paris, Hardy was, in many ways, the antithesis of that restive, revolutionary decade.

Unlike her contemporaries, when she sang of love it was about “suffering and frustration, illusion and disillusion; wretched, profound, endless questioning”. Her songs, she told Le Monde, were a necessary outlet: “I wrote about my experience … A beautiful, melancholic melody is what best transcends the pain.”

Men fell, in droves, for her timid beauty. Mick Jagger described Hardy as his “ideal woman”. David Bowie, “passionately in love” for years, courted her backstage, in dressing gown and embroidered slippers. In 1964, the sleeve notes of Another Side of Bob Dylan featured a whole poem “for françoise hardy/at the seine’s edge”. (Two years later, after a concert at the Olympia music hall in Paris, Dylan invited the singer to a party in his suite at the George V, one of the capital’s grandest hotels. In his bedroom, he played her two tracks from Blonde on Blonde: Just Like a Woman and I Want You. Hardy always insisted she was so starstruck she never got the message.)

But the love of Hardy’s life, the father of her son and the agonising inspiration for many of her songs, was the French singer and actor Jacques Dutronc, whom she met in 1967 and married in 1981. The couple separated in the 90s, but never divorced, remaining on good terms. “Love is a remarkable force, even if its price is perpetual torment,” she said. “But without that torment, I would not have written a single lyric.”

Hardy was born in Nazi-occupied Paris, in the same maternity clinic at the top of the rue des Martyrs in the ninth arrondissement that had delivered Hallyday a few months earlier. Her mother was Madeleine Hardy, an accountant, and her father, Pierre Dillard, was a company director who was married to another woman. Françoise grew up in a two-room apartment nearby with her sister, Michèle, born 18 months later, and a solitary mother with whom Françoise had a “fusional, symbiotic relationship … I loved her probably too much – exclusively, unconditionally”. The girls rarely saw their father, who often neglected to pay his share of their upkeep and was regularly late with the modest fees for their Catholic education.

Weekends were spent with grandparents – notably an “egocentric, narrow-minded, frigid and emasculating” grandmother – outside Paris; many childhood holidays with friends of her mother’s in Austria, to learn German. Shy, dreamy, deeply ashamed of her unconventional family, Hardy turned to the radio, where in the late 50s, on the English service of Radio Luxembourg, she encountered a music – Presley, the Everly Brothers, Brenda Lee, Cliff Richard – that “affected me more than anything else. That ended up changing my life.”

Aged 16, she asked for a guitar for passing the first part of her baccalauréat. A year later, having passed the second part with honours, she taught herself a handful of chords “that produced most of my songs over the next 10 years”, and began writing. At the Sorbonne, studying German, she auditioned, unsuccessfully but not disastrously, for one record company, and started singing lessons.

Hardy’s contract with Vogue Records – who wanted “a female Johnny Hallyday” – was signed on 14 November 1961. She made her first TV appearance, in black and white on the state broadcaster’s only channel, six months later, and released her debut EP, featuring three songs of her own and a cover of a Bobby Lee Trammell song.

Her breakthrough came, rather incongruously, on the night of Charles de Gaulle’s October 1962 referendum asking voters whether France’s future presidents should be directly elected. In a musical interlude while the nation awaited the result, Hardy performed a track from her EP, Tous les garçons et les filles. The nation loved it. The song (sample line: “I walk down the streets, my soul in sorrow”) became a monumental hit in France, spending a total of 15 weeks at No 1 between October 1962 and April 1963 and becoming a million-seller. Within weeks Hardy was on the cover of Paris Match, plunged, still in her teens, into the whirlwind of the swinging 60s (which she detested: she disapproved of casual sex, avoided drugs, and could only ever remember being drunk twice).

Her first boyfriend, the photographer Jean-Marie Périer, ensured her picture – miniskirt, white boots, long hair, signature fringe – went around the world. Courrèges, Yves Saint Laurent and Paco Rabanne competed to dress her, for seasons at the Olympia in Paris, the Savoy in London, and shows in Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Denmark, Spain, Canada and South Africa. In New York, William Klein photographed her for Vogue. Roger Vadim, Jean-Luc Godard and John Frankenheimer cast her in films.

The hits flowed, recorded – some in London, produced by Charles Blackwell – in French, English, German, Italian, some written by Hardy, others not.

But at the end of the 60s, barely five years after she began, Hardy abruptly gave up performing live, and the cinema. “I hated what it all involved,” she explained. “Being separated from the man I loved, the waiting, the solitude, depending on the phone. And I’ve never been able to act. I can’t simulate, or lie. Songwriting, on the other hand … dives deep.” Life in the fast lane, she declared, was “a gilded prison”.

But she continued recording, releasing a dozen bestselling albums in France, of which she always cited La Question (1971), a sophisticated collaboration with the Brazilian musician Tuca, as her favourite. She duetted with French artists Henri Salvador, Alain Souchon and Benjamin Biolay, and later with Damon Albarn and Iggy Pop.

Hardy was never very interested in politics (she decamped to Corsica with Dutronc for the duration of les événements of May 1968, whose student leaders she distrusted), although she had strong opinions about questions such as abortion. Hardy was, however, fascinated by astrology, writing two books on the subject.

She continued to work in later life, despite claiming that her 1988 album, Décalages, would be her last. A string of new recordings in the 1990s and 2000s, a 2008 autobiography, Le Désespoir des Singes (the title apparently derived from a monkey puzzle tree in the Bagatelle gardens near her Paris flat, because its sharp, spiky leaves reminded her of “men who have caused me despair”), and her last album, Personne d’autre, released in 2018, appeared despite family and personal tragedies: Hardy was at her mother’s side when, suffering from Charcot–Marie–Tooth disease, she died by euthanasia in 1994.

Hardy herself was diagnosed in 2004 with lymphoma, eventually recovering after an experimental form of chemotherapy – but only after she had been hospitalised, in an induced coma, in 2015. Three years later, another tumour was detected, this time in her ear. In 2021, she told the magazine Femme Actuelle (by email; she said she could no longer talk) that she would like to be able to choose to end her life, as her mother had done, and in 2023, in an interview with Paris Match, called on Emmanuel Macron, the French president, to legalise assisted dying.

Shortly before that second diagnosis, in 2018, Hardy reflected on a career that had brought pretty much every award French music can offer (plus a medal from the Académie Française), telling the Observer she had always been surprised that people – “even very good musicians” – had been moved by her voice.

“I know its limitations, I always have,” she said. “But I have chosen carefully. What a person sings is an expression of what they are. Luckily for me, the most beautiful songs are not happy songs. The songs we remember are the sad, romantic songs.”

She is survived by Dutronc, and by their son, Thomas.

🔔 Françoise Madeleine Hardy, singer, born 17 January 1944; died 11 June 2024

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at Just for Books…?

[nyewclear]

im so obsessed with your games and i cant wait for the dlc and kurou connect!! do you have any vague ideas about future game plans?

thank you so much for your kind words!! i absolutely have ideas for my future game plans :D many of the characters in the cryptid coffeehouse world are very dear to me and i really want to keep making games about them. here's what i've got so far, with all of the names just being placeholders:

nightcrawler (taz game): this will be a friendship simulator in which you play as taz, rather than romance him as an mc. it follows taz, who has a secret obsession with idol girl groups, particularly a latina girl group from california called nightcrawler. the whole plot centers around a nightcrawler concert happening nearby, and they need to find a friend to take with them. there's a huge cast of characters that you can choose from, including bruilkea! i'm hoping to have a more advanced money/work + time mechanic in this game, as you budget out money to buy nightcrawler merchandise and run a stan crytter (twitter equivalent lol) account for the girls.

big city birds (odina game): this is a odina/mc game in which you and odina go on a bestie vacation and many silly things happen, including the chance to fall in love!!! i'm either going to set the game in somewhere like los angeles or chicago, but i'm not sure yet.

lakeside detective (mordag game): this is a comedy mystery game that follows you and mordag (aged 14-16) as you solve mysteries (get into trouble) around mordag's hometown, particularly that poltergeist in the pizza place mordag talked about briefly in the lakeside event of cryptid coffeehouse :-) i hope to explore minigames in this one!

point pleasant +10yrs: this is a management sim & dating sim where you play as point pleasant's manager, approximately 10 years after the events of cryptid coffeehouse. point pleasant has made it big and you spent your time arranging practices, festivals, interviews, concerts, and all that good stuff. in the meantime, you also find yourself falling for one of these sexy rockstars, even though you know you really shouldn't!!!!! there will also be a poly option in this game :-)

i've also thought about making a (ko/kix)dina game where you play as odina and have to choose between either kolia or kixis to date, but that's just a fleeting thought hahaha. i'd also like to make something about jaxeon someday, but i think the story i have for him might be better suited to a comic or something.

feel free to ask me more details about any of these games!! i love talking about them— i've already planned out a lot of the details hahaha :P

[beheba8]

since one direction came into my life, every version of me that has existed has loved them.

at 12, i only knew the words to one thing. at 15, i got to introduce the same song to my 6 year old brother at the time who loved it so much that he would constantly make me play it on my tablet and we would jam out together. it is a core memory of mine.

and not long after, i was watching “one direction funny moments” compilations till early hours of the morning, i was so hooked.

at 14, “1D” was spray painted in massive font on my bedroom door. how i got away with putting straight up black paint on a wooden door is beyond me, but remnants of that sign exist to this day in my childhood bedroom. the same bedroom where, for 4 beautiful years, i got to build a sense of self, and get into a lot of fights on the internet, thanks to these five men.

anyone who knows me irl will tell you that to this day, even as a 25 year old college graduate, i credit my understanding of the english language to the fact that i read a lot (and i truly mean a LOT) of one direction fanfiction on wattpad. before watching your favourite concerts on a grainy livestream was a thing, teenage me was getting up at unholy hours to go on youtube and watch every single concert video from the night before. and not only did i follow OTRA from the other side of the world, i stayed in bed for 7 hours straight on 1D day.

i sobbed for hours upon hours in March of 2015, and then again for their last tour stop at Sheffield, and one more time after their performance of History on X-factor. sadness came to me easily- it was the only plausible way to feel in times like these.

i can’t say the same for myself today. i was at my desk at work, doing something on excel for a project, when i got a text from my friend, yelling at me in all caps that a member of one direction- the band that i love so dearly that even at my grown age i refuse to discuss in front of people who know me in real life because they simply won’t get it- has died. my heart sank to the floor, and i couldn’t believe that i’m meant to go about my work day as if everything is normal.

liam’s death made me dissociate from real life from the minute i heard to about ten minutes ago when i started typing this out. knowing and understanding the one direction fandom means that i knew instantly that the public noise surrounding this news will be vapid and abhorrent- especially for his victims who have been courageous enough to speak out about the abuse they have been put through by this man. the exhaustion i felt when i logged onto twitter on the 16th, from the god awful things people were putting out into the world with no regard for the very real people who are being affected by his death, is unfortunately as eerily close to 2013-2015 as i have ever felt.

much like 2013-2015, though, i couldn’t do anything but keep going on twitter. seeing posts from long dead 1D stan accounts who were the only people who could understand the deep confusion and sadness that i was feeling. my timeline hasn’t been this inundated with pure one direction content in many many years, and these were the only people who made me feel less alone. og directions, who have for a while now stopped being a supporter of liam payne for the terrible things he has done since the band’s dissolution, are the only ones who know how confusing this grief has felt.

and then came the joint statement, signed in order of oldest to youngest, from louis, zayn, niall, and harry, and their tributes to one of the 5 (now 4) people in the world who lived through the phenomenon that changed the course of music history for the rest of time. the versions of liam that each of them chose to share with the rest of the world, their love for him, and even the regrets that came from the distance that grew between them- that hurt me more than my own sorrow. at the end of the day, you can’t really take the parasocial obsession out of the teenage girl who lives in me.

i’m sad that in the wake of his death, those he has harmed are going to be unfairly and unjustifiably blamed by the insufferable people who refuse to accept that death does not absolve someone of their wrongdoings.

i’m sad over the loss of a human life, and the loss of the version of one direction- the ot5 version- that is now gone forever. the same one direction that gave me so much joy, helped me through unspeakable pain, and will mean so much to me for as long as i am alive.

[proximacentaurib]

time to get perceived buddy boy 1,2,4,7,10,11,18,19,23

1. Song of the year?

Cylinder Four would be the obvious answer since it’s the song I rediscovered this year and kept on repeat while doing homework, but that’s a boring answer (even though it is the first song I ever remember resonating with me when I heard it in the background of some YouTube video when I was 12). Planetarium (Inside) by Alex G is a good representation of how I’ve been feeling for the past few months, if not years. Honorable nominees for song of the year, in no particular order, are Molchat Doma - Я Так Устал, Radiohead - How to Disappear Completely, Radiohead - Idioteque, Кино - Сказка, Molchat Doma - Волны, Luigi Archetti and Bo Wiget - Stück 22, and Порнофильмы - Уроки Любви

2. Album of the year?

Easy, Кино - Чёрный альбом, Disparition - Granicha, and Brian Eno - Ambient 4 (thank you for that recommendation)

4. Movie of the year?

I only remember watching like 5 movies this whole year so I don’t know. I Saw the TV Glow is the only one that stuck with me after watching, but I still don’t know how I feel about it

7. Favorite actor of the year?

You think I know any actors? But fine okay. You when you did that really long bit about James the forgotten teammate during that one tournament in March. You sounded so genuinely serious that I actually started feeling a little bad the longer it went on, as if there really was someone named James who I was not just ignoring but convincing everyone didn’t exist

10. Something that made you cry this year?

Here’s a complete list of every time I remember crying this year:

- the 2-3 tears I shed after bombing my physics midterm in February (I got a 45)

- when final grades came out in April and I saw I had a C in physics (lasted under 30 seconds)

- when I realized my cats had turned 10 years old and didn’t have long left to live

- I was going through something in August but I don’t think I ever actually cried that month because my worst moments were all around other people and god forbid anyone find out I have an inner life

- a couple conversations about deep topics scattered throughout this semester

- my mom asking me about finals last week

- my mom asking me about physics in September

- another few tears total, rarely more than 2-3 tears at a time, shed during various unimportant bouts of frustration in the past year

11. Something you want to do again next year?

HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE I WANT TO SEE MY FRIENDS

18. A memorable meal this year?

Shem Bleedingsalt grilled cheese

19. What are you excited about for next year?

Strangely enough, astronomy lab, because I want to be up on the roof with a telescope at 4 AM, that sounds awesome. Also Molchat Doma concert, IC3PEAK concert (possibly), and the 3 symphony concerts I already have tickets to (forgot which ones though)

23. If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be?

I don’t know, I don’t think there’s any message my past self could benefit from. “Don’t get your hopes up about academics”? “You logically know this already but your friends don’t hate you”? “Appreciate what you have” except I already did so there’s not much of a point in telling my past self that. If given the chance I would absolutely fix whatever I was doing from the ages of 14-17, but a year ago I was more or less the same as I am now

[phoenix-positivity]

16 june 2024

All right so I finally feel like writing about my concert experience, a.k.a. one of the best days I've got to experience in a while.

I had prepared very long for this concert. I really had been dedicating all my time outside of work towards this. I had put together an outfit carefully and made things for it. I made each member bracelets matching their solo albums (which I got to gift them during the fansign) and I made a bracelet for myself with all the solo album colours combined. And I spent a lot of time making bead embroidered earrings. (Pictures of those will be at the end of this)

It was an hour drive to the venue but I didn't want to miss out on anything so I left home many hours before any of the events were starting. One of my favourite chain lunch restaurants happened to be next to the garage I was gonna leave my car at. In the lunch place I spotted more people who were also going to the concert and I just chatted on my phone with a friend as I waited since I was so early. The view was very nice where I was sitting. I was looking out on a river and it was a very sunny day.

Then eventually I decided to just make my way to the venue. I had tickets that would allow me to get my album signed by them. I took their debut album with me for this (dot point jump), I figured what better album to get signed than their very first album? It's also a nice plain white album so their signatures would not get lost among imagery. Upon showing my tickets I got wristbands for entry as well as a lanyard and some poster stuff.

Once I left the ticket booth I immediately got approached by other fans that complimented my earrings and we all had conversations about where we had traveled from, what age we all were, if we frequented other concerts, etc. A lot of people were there on their own so everyone seemed eager to talk with other fans and socialize. We all still had quite some time we had to wait. Although the waiting system was really great. Everyone stood in line in order of what level ticket they purchased (there was multiple tiers) and then your ticket had a number in order of how soon it was purchased after ticket sales started. Everyone stood in line really organized and made room for people who came before them. It was all really polite. Everyone had lanyards with their assigned tiers and numbers clearly visible. I had the second highest tier and was number 14.

We had to stand in line multiple times for the different planned events (fansign, group picture, the actual concert line up) so we went in and out of the venue quite a couple times to stand in line again which was a really interesting system to me. Because of this I got automatically acquainted with the people in front of me and those behind me. I like that we got to stand in line multiple times for different events because this allowed for more excitement as we got to do the different things. It allowed for the members to have a small break in between talking with fans. I think it is a lot of work for them! There is so many fans that they have to greet and stuff they have to sign, it must drain a lot of energy to put in all that social effort.

The person behind me, number 15, arrived late but just in time before the first event. I spend most of the concert talking with them. The concert itself was amazing. I barely recorded anything because I like to experience concerts in the moment with my eyes and not look through my phone screen. Luckily I found the entire concert recorded on youtube, posted by another fan. I don't want to forget what it was like. Especially at the end of the concert it was very fun because they splashed us with water and shot with waterguns, haha.

They also took all the pride flags from the audience and paraded around with them proudly (then returned them back to the fans). That's also what I really liked about this concert. Almost everyone was very obviously queer wearing pride items. It was also people of all ethnicity, ages, body sizes, fashion styles and inclusive for disabled people. The group is very supportive of the queer community. In fact I'd say that's their main message they put out there. And no, it's not queerbaiting. They openly express actual support in a culture that's very queerphobic. I'm not going to assume the sexuality or gender expressions of the members because that is none of my business. All that matters is knowing they are supportive!

Anyway, we had the opportunity to buy 'snapshots' which means you get to take a polaroid picture with one of the members of your choice. There's premium and standard options, the premium just means the polaroid is a bigger size, they are more expensive. The snapshots were all going to be taken a little bit after the concert performance had ended. I'm telling this for context for what I'm about to say. So me being number 14 and having spend time with number 15 I knew they had to leave soon after the concert to catch the last train home. The issue was they had purchased a snapshot ticket with a member but they weren't sure if they would get to still take that picture due to the time being limited. They announced that the premium pictures would be taken first. Number 15 had a standard ticket for the same member that I had purchased a premium ticket for. I offered to trade tickets so they could quickly take their picture and then go home. They were first to take a picture and left me their contact info and left. This worked out for me because I had purchased 5 standard tickets and one premium, but I'd rather have had them all the same size so they would match better. So it worked out for the both of us. I liked being able to help them out. Maybe I'll meet them at another concert again, since they also frequent kpop concerts.

The experience of getting to take the polaroid pictures was really amazing. When do you ever get the chance to get this close to the artists you admire? This group really is one of the kpop groups I'm most invested in (I like too many groups to list out here, but there's some that are more special to me than others). Some of the members noticed and complimented my earrings, which made me very happy. I thanked them in korean with a little bow. I really wanted to be as respectful as possible. I know they are just people at work and I don't want them to feel like they are objects. I don't agree with the way a lot of kpop idols get treated and criticized (or stalked) by 'fans'. I understand having admiration for someone, but I feel we must never lose sight of the fact that these people are human! They are performers and artists, but they are human. They already have to work very very hard and give up a lot of personal privileges and freedom. The group is very vocal about the love they have for interacting with their fans so this makes me feel better about getting to take pictures with them. I don't want them to feel like exploited show ponies, ha.

I really really hope they will have another concert in my country soon, I really felt sorta homesick to the experience the next day after the concert. It still brings me a lot of joy to look back on it. I hope the members rest well after having to perform this much on their tour.

[notafraidofredyellowandblue]

i don't wanna cause any more drama but have you read the new Spiegel article? About the friend of the daughter of another bandmate :/ and being 15 gosh. I don't know what to think anymore honestly.

Serious post alert, and it will get long too...

Please skip or block it as you feel needed. This story will not be graphic (at least i will try not to), and let me state up front that nothing bad ever happened to me personally, nor that i know of ever happening to people i know.

---

This ask i got right after the Spiegel article was published, which was right before the Brussels concerts. I deliberately didn't answer it at that time, because ofcourse the timing of the media wasn't a coincidence and i don't play that way, and i wanted the final concerts to be just about music, the band, and fun.

In short, the story is about a lady, now 28, who 13 years ago was (and possibly still is) best friends with a daughter of a bandmate of Till, even was in a band with her, she joined the family on a vacation in Germany, and met Till there. They talked, had some drinks, and kissed. Later they went beyond that. Her father found out and ended the situation. When she was grown up she reconnected with Till and they again had an affair. Two bandmates of Till are said to have known about the situation.

The story is under an alias, so if you feel that it's anonymously, i don't argue with that, but realistically, those of us who follow the band a little, know which bandmate and daughter would seemlessly fit that description, and although we don't know the person by name, i'm sure for people who are in their personal circles, it won't be a secret who it is. This is my assumption at least.

The story also does not involve any criminal act, because having sex at that age is legal in Germany (with consent, but consent can be given by anyone over 14 i think).

And ofcourse this is just the one story, no comments from Till, his lawyers or the band have been made, so at this point it is 'a story' and not more than that. We have heard similar stories or shards of it in the fandom over the years, but these too were never substantial. So what was it about this one...

Thing is...this story didn't shock or surprise me. It didn't have me rolling my eyes and thinking 'how could that even happen'.

And maybe more than anything my initial reaction surprised me. So i also took these last days to consider that, and figure out why that was.

-------

I think i figured out...and it's a couple of things, and none of it really have to do with Rammstein...

For those who don't know, i am rather older than the average tumblr user, and as this may be relevant in this case (generational gap?) i will state again what i usually say "i am younger than most of Rammstein (but not all)". What also may be relevant is that i grew up in west europe (netherlands), a very liberal country, sex wise (certainly when i grew up).

Firstly, different from some reactions i read on social media by fans (i don't read much about the Rammstein allegations, but i read some about this one), i am not mortified at the idea of a 15 year old having sex. When i was in highschool at 14/15 i had several friends who had adventures with guys on the weekends when they all went camping. I happened to be a rather naive and unexperienced teen, but my friends sure weren't (i learned much of my sex-ed from them, let me tell you). There boyfriends were usually teens themselves, although usually a few years older, but that sex happened was clear. Also, in the teeny magazines i read at the time sex was on many of the 'sent in questions' that the magazine answered.

(the Rammstein guys are about my age, i think when asked when they first had sex, they all mentioned being in their mid-teens, Richard a bit younger at 13)

I didn't have the sex myself as a teen, i stayed pretty much naive, unexperienced and unremarkable for a long time (maybe i still am), but also, i never did things *because* others did them, peerpressure never impressed me. If i didn't want something, i didn't do it (still don't). I didn't drink alcohol either as a teen, even though that too was pretty common for other teens.

In my early 20's i still didn't drink, still didn't have the sex, and was still naive, and unremarkable. What i was, was being very active in a youth movement (bit like 'Scouting' but a different one). Our youths varied from age 6 to 18, so where we as staff were in large part in our twenties, some of the teens in our groups were almost our own age. Some of the older youth also helped out occassionally as staff, and i have known many wonderful, active and dedicated teens (15, 16, 17 etc). Ofcourse when they helped we always made sure that there was an adult present, that they were never alone responsible for a group, but as there was sometimes only a few years between us, we did not see a problem in them having a beer with the rest of the staf when they helped out (just one, we always made sure no one would overdo, but we definitely weren't alcohol-free).

What also was part of the movement, was that we as staff had courses to teach us skills on things to do with our groups, you know: making fire, frying food without a pan, setting up a camp with tents etc etc. Staff members who were more experienced would be the tutorsand these courses were great fun, camping out in the woods, getting all grimy, long nights at a campfire, singing songs.

One of the tutors who was often involved was a guy who must have been in his mid 30's (maybe near 40) at the time, a great guy, very charismatic, well respected by everyone, because he knew his stuff and explained things very well. There was a great vibe about him, people loved hanging out with him, making things, building stuff, making better campfires. Everybody in the youth movement knew him, and valued him particpating in a course, a real people's person. What we also all knew of him was that he was a ladies man...he regularly had a new 'girlfriend', and even more snogs with not official girlfriends. He didn't flaunt it, but rumours were many, where he was seen heading of to a tent at the end of a campfire night with a woman. We all knew it, women informed eachother about that fact, so anyone getting involved was aware of his reputation.

Like i said, we as staf were usually all in our 20's at least, you had to be 18 to be official staf and to particpate in courses, so i never heard about him getting with younger women, but i realise now that with him being, let's say 35, a 20 year old, may have been a significant age gap in itself from an outsider point of view.

And for me being the naive, unremarkable person...it was amazing that this guy, when i met him on my second course, remembered my name, came up to talk, gave me a 7-up (remembered i didn't drink). Between planned tasks, he taught me as a sidenote, to make a fire with rubbing too sticks together (a pretty timeconsuming way, and not on the official courselist, we had easier ways to do so), which was a fun thing to know. Everybody always wanted to be near him and chat, but if he ended up next to me, he chatted with me too (that never happened to me normally 😊).

I never made a move, and he never did either...but realistically...if i had been interested in 'more', i don't doubt that he wouldn't have turned me away for a night in a sleeping bag..

Years later, i was already away from the movement because i had a busy job, there was a huge reunion, of people who had been staf in the past 20 odd years. So i went, just out of nostalgia, over 300 people attended and the guy was there too (with how much he did for the organisation, not a surprise), and believe it or not, he still remembered me, and we had a nice chat, before others came to talk to him and swooped him away.

I have lost touch with that crowd by now (work, also moved away), but if i met him now, and if he'd remember me 🌺 i'd love to have a bit of chat. But how many women he snogged or shagged back then...no idea...

----

When i read the story in Der Spiegel, unlike what i see many say as it being unbelievable...i totally get it. I was early 20's, but naive, more naive than my schoolnates at 15. Here is this guy who is easy to talk to, and makes you feel he's interested in what you say (me! never..). I didn't make a move, he didn't either, but had i maybe had a bit to drink, i might have (i sure crushed on him a bit).

And meeting up years later and being remembered, that makes a person feel good. Add a bit more alcohol...well...

Let's say i get it.

I hadn't thought about the guys in over 20 years, but when i read this, i did..

I've been wondering if a guy like that should feel skeevy to me now, with what i know these days, and how much moral has changed. And i don't know.

Do i think now someone should have intervened and have that guy not attend the courses...i think no...like i said, all adults, and we all knew his ways. But is that still an acceptable excuse nowadays. I don't know that either.

Should the guy have kept his youknowwhat in his pants and just had a steady girlfriend, possibly...but i never heard he forced anyone, ever. He just...had a way about him, women were as interested in him as he was in them.

So that's where i am...

If the story in Spiegel did happen, i wish it hadn't, but i'll react to it, when that's confirmed.

Until then, i'm still gathering my thoughts...and try to figure them out..

[vitani-carnis]

Hola! Today we're talking about...

Vitani's Childhood!

So, originally I was going to have this as more of a short story condensed version of things, and while I do like that I kinda started writing it and stopped... and the draft didn't save... I've had the idea in my mind to actually do the short story in the moment stuff but writing is hard or whatever. So, for now, it'll just be me chatting.

TW: for mentions of child abuse and death

Vitani was born to her party-loving mother, Leana, who had her fairly early at 19. V's father is unknown, and they don't really care to find out either. For the early years of their life, they were raised by their grandparents who were fairly sick from exposure caused from the Arasaka HQ incident (with her grandfather having worked on the rebuilding of NC and her grandmother being a NC native). Up until the age of four they were her biggest protectors, until they sadly succumbed to their illness.

Around this time her mother was engaged to a Valentino aligned drug-dealer, and they had her brother James, though he was shortly busted after being thrown under the bust by a partner. While Vitani didn't realize it yet, around this time her mother became a doll to make ends meet. Also around this time she meets Jeremy, a chrome junkie from the Maelstrom gang.

Vitani, to put it bluntly, didn't like the guy. Hate would be a very applicable word. Jeremy could be described as a very erratic and emotionally controlling man, very prone to using silence as punishment and making people around him walk on eggshells. Granted her mother was no saint, and often relied on V to either emotionally support her, or to be a verbal punching bag, or to take care of herself. Both her parents were very prone to getting drunk, abusing drugs, and getting into often violent fights. This did not lessen when they had her brother Alec, and he'd often be in the middle of the two. By the age of eight Vitani considered themself a coward for being and feeling so weak and often self-isolated in her "room" (closet).

School was better, only in the sense V wasn't the subject of much cruelty. More often than not, V was left to the sidelines of their peers. Like being in a glass box; looking and talking to people, but never able to touch them in a real emotional way. Even if V made friends (which wasn't often), it would never last long and they'd drift away.

Something, or rather, someone, was always there though: Johnny Silverhand.

It started at ten, as wanting to get more interested in her parents likes; thinking if they had things in common V could maybe get some sort of affection from them. Slowly it morphed into a sort of obsession as they learned more and more of the music, the message, the myth of the front man. Now, for the record, V liked everyone but Henry, but there was something about Johnny that was, well just cool. He felt like a well-loved guy from the concert recordings of people screaming his name, seemed like nothing ever bothered him emotionally and if they did, he seemed to fight back. He seemed to be a person who saw injustice in the world and wanted it gone. Vitani wanted to be him, more than anything else.

Honestly if you can picture a DSMP loving middle schooler, that's what Vitani essentially was. She went on old forums and argued in the comments, looked for hours on end over theories of the band, listened and dissected all the lyrics beyond the level of any Swiftie. She snuck out to scrounge for old merch and old tech to fuel her hyper-fixation. They absolutely daydreamed about being apart of the band, or raiding Arasaka tower, risking their life to save their hero's.

They idolized him so heavily, tried to emulate him, anything. If only to protect herself from others, and to offer an escape from reality.

At 14, V didn't have to worry about her parents anymore though. Not because they got better, or that she put her foot down in some outburst that made them listen...

But because they left, left her, left her things at the house; and never came back...

And that's where V meets Jill, and it also means that this long post of V's childhood up until that point is over! Again, I might write things out in way more detail and in a short story way idk. We'll see!

If you read this then thanks a BUNCH! I really love my V and put a lot of time into fitting her into the cyberpunk universe and think of her and Johnny often. (And yes, if anyone says anything, I do recognize how problematic this ship could be, dw, I just like them being very unhealthy and codependent in the game. Post game when V has gotten Johnny a body and isn't dying they both get therapy).

[kafus]

i've unfortunately been too busy and out of it to actually make anything for miku's birthday and i did make a little post earlier last night but i kinda wanted to elaborate just a tiny bit more. this is very stream of consciousness and not like a well thought out post but WHATEVER putting it below the cut cause i'm just rambling nonsense

this miku birthday is a tiny bit more special i guess because she hit the age she is on the box which just feels Cool somehow, and also "sweet 16" i guess though i don't really get that whole thing and i don't think it's relevant to miku LOL whatever. point is it just has me thinking about how long vocaloid has been in my life cause man i've been a vocaloid fan for over half my lifespan at this point, i have known about miku for longer than i haven't and like. you know pokemon is that comforting thing from my childhood that has been with me forever, but it did not change me because there was barely a "me" before pokemon - vocaloid Changed My Life. Severely. i wasn't there since the literal beginning of Miku (2007) but instead since 2011 and it's been a wild 12 years

i don't talk about vocaloid nearly as much as i used to (well except kafu but that's one niche part of a wider interest) due to a lot of personal and complex reasons, but i really want to emphasize how deeply important it is to me. getting into vocaloid when i was in middle school was not just Getting Into Fandom for me, it was making friends for the very first time in my life because i did not have any prior, finding a way to give voice to the turmoil i was experiencing in some of the most difficult parts of my life, and while i don't talk about my DID as much publicly as i used to, it changed my identity and how i think about and process the world on a core level and its effects are still echoing in all of my alters and my headspace to this day. one of the best weekends of my entire life if not The best was when i was 14 and traveled to new york city to see mikuexpo 2014, my first vocaloid concert, with the friends i made on a now-defunct vocaloid forum in 2012, my very first friends. i don't know if i've ever happy sobbed harder than i did during the entire length of that concert. it's burned into my retinas forever.

even though i may not be as vocal about the interest as i once was, even though i'm not really in the vocaloid fandom anymore, vocaloid has deeply impacted every aspect of my life and identity and it is inseparable from me and something i will cherish until i die. if you get to know me, like Actually know me, you will know this about me. sending vocaloid songs as a love language is even still something i do to this day. and it's all because a miku thumbnail showed up in my youtube recommended on some fateful day 12 years ago and i happened to click on it because i was curious about the Cute Anime Girl only to be opened to a world i never knew existed before. obviously vocaloid is created by its musicians and artists who use it and create for it, there would be no miku without all the producers who use her, but miku is the face of it all, the Princess or Queen of vocaloid even, and i am very grateful she exists and could bring such a creative community together that Quite Literally saved my life. i was holding a miku plushie in the mental institution i was admitted to when i was 12 for trying to kms guys. like it's everything to me everyone say thank you miku cause otherwise i might not be here

i could go on a lot longer about this and in way more detail but i'm not gonna i have a mewtwo raid to do with my friends but just know. vocaloid is the best and you should check out some of the music and culture outside of just shitposts about miku if you haven't already lol

[dynamic-power]

Weekly tag Wednesdays- firsts!

I haven't done one of these in so long. Thanks Nosho @creepkinginc for the tag!

Name: Dyno 🦖

Age: 29 (but not for much longer 😩)

First pet? A brown and white hooded rat named Sugar. She was such a sweetheart.

First word? "Juice!" Which makes sense, as fruit is my favorite food group.

First celebrity crush? David Tennant as the tenth Doctor 😍

First IRL crush? The kid who sat next to me in band in the 7th grade. (I ended up dating their twin in high school 🤣)

First kiss? It was also in 7th grade. It was terribly awkward.

First car? Petunia 😍 She was a 1998 Jeep Cherokee in gunmetal blue. Both of my younger brothers drove her before I bought her from my parents. She was a death trap with no passenger airbag and no horn and headlights that probably weren't good even in '98 and I loved her very much. I have lots of good memories with her.

First time on a plane? I was 7 and we flew from California to Florida.

First apartment/house/dorm/whatever away from your parents? It was a one bed, one bath shit hole that I shared with a friend from high school. We used a curtain to cut the dining room off and that was what I used as my bedroom. There was a cutaway that looked into the kitchen and it provided more than one awkward moment.

First cellphone? I saved up my money and bought a Razr when they first came out. It cost me a whole $50.

First concert? It was a local metal band in a bar that I *technically* wasn't old enough to be in.

First sport you ever played? Teeball. I graduated to baseball eventually, but stopped playing in high school when music became my main focus.

First career aspiration? I wanted to be a Pediatric Endocrinologist lol. (A very young auto-immune diagnosis meant that I was in and out of endocrine offices for a lot of my childhood)

and finally… tell me about the first time you wrote/drew/created/whatever something that made you think "wow". Oof. When I was about 14, my mom stumbled on some of my original fiction. She thought I'd been practicing my typing skills and asked what book I was copying. 😅 that was when I really realized this whole writing thing had potential. Unfortunately, all of my work up to age 16 was saved to floppy disc's and then lost in a house fire. I wish I was kidding, I really do. I've since rebuilt and improved upon the world I'd built, and still to this day when I delve into it, I'm really proud.

I'm not gonna tag anyone specific. If you got this far, this is me, tagging you. Also, take some cake before you go. 🍰🍰🍰

[feelssogoodinmyarms]

Spring Awakening Fandom Tag

(By @winter-asleepening )

Doing this bc i miss springy wakening😔

1. how were you introduced to the show?

when i was really into hamilton in like 2016 jonathan groff was white boy of the month for a while and i was consuming all the groff content that i could and i came across that video of him talking about when he fucked up left behind. and then i listened to left behind and cried and read the wiki page and watched the obc boot and then i woke up here

2. Seen a production live?

yus i've seen 3

3. Dream role/character you relate to most

i've been in love with wendla since i laid eyes on her and i would die to play her. im obsessed with her, she's got so much more depth than people realize and that was cut during the transition from play to musical fuck you s*ter and i would love to bring that to my rendition of her. and i was also assaulted when i was her age, i was also suicidal, i was also confused af and my mom was not helpful, i also wanted to be loved so badly, i just see a lot of my teenage self in wendla. i related to her so much when i first saw the show and that's a big reason i got so obsessed with it.

4. Favorite male character

prob moritz or hanschen. they are 2 sides of the same dramatic ass coin. they also have daddy issues and are gay like girl me too.

5. Favorite female character

all of them? wendla holds a special place in my heart but like. there is so much to love about all of them even anna and thea who we know almost nothing about have the building blocks of great characters. i've always loved combining what we know about the characters from both the musical and the play to make more complete characters especially because s*ter cut so much of the girls characterization bc he's a sexist pos fuck you and i def do that with anna and thea.

6. Deaf West Revival or Original Broadway Cast?

dwsa for life but obc walked so they could fly

7. Favorite song

AAAAAA probably touch me just cuz it's soooooo pretty

8. Least favorite song

probably woyb bc im heterophobic and melchiorphobic

9. Favorite quote/line

musical: "giving yourself over to someone else? defending yourself endlessly until finally you surrender and let heaven break over you? i just put myself in her place. and imagine"

play: "won't you come visit me in my dreams now and then? i'll welcome you with outstretched arms and kiss your breath away"

10. Favorite TV performance

dwsa touch me on seth meyers i have to watch it daily or i get 1 level of exhaustion

11. Favorite cast member(s)

i can vouch that kathryn gallagher is cool as fuck cuz i met her at a ben platt concert but j groff and jgj seem pretty cool. alex wyse and jbw seem unhinged i think i could hang with them. smf and katie whoever are so talented i wish she wasnt an anti vaxxer. andy mientus attacked me with a candelabra just like riff raff did to rocky😔

12. Favorite cast member moment

when josh castille followed me back on instagram when andy mientus, kathryn gallagher, and josh castille covered sex by the 1975 and all the videos the cast made on various social media platforms

13. Do you write fan fiction?

unfortunately

14. Do you make fan art?

i have made 3 fan arts that i don't think i have anymore

15. Do you cosplay?

i am too poor

16. Don’t do Sadness or Blue Wind?

both bitch

17. Word of your body or the Reprise?

reprise cuz i love gay ppl

18. Touch Me or My Junk?

bothhhhh

19. Explain the song of purple summer

vague hope ig? like "the adults have failed everyone but we're all 15 and will be adults soon so maybe we'll be ok" with flowery language

20. Explain the song of purple summer (wrong answers only)

ilse and mulchy took acid to see their dead friends

im tagging @dwsavideos and anyone else who sees this and is into spring awakening cuz idk if any of my sa mutuals are still active😭

[ruminate88]

For me, I wasn’t so much “brave” as I was “determined” to find love. I come from parents whom have been married 40 + years. I figured if they would work, surely I could find someone to work with. I had big “dreams” and “expectations” when I was young, of love based off the romantic comedy movies. I was just in a “fairytale” state of mind... so at 14, I read an article from a singer in a boyband named Jesse, who was around my age and seemingly felt like someone whom could relate to me, “get me” and he inspired me in ways I’ve never been inspired before. So much that I actually convinced myself he could be my “soul mate”. I met him face to face when I was 16 and followed him “head over heels” for 10 years! I faithfully went to his concerts and meet n greets, talked with him and gave my all with him till I was 24. Slowly when he was 22 and I was 21, I started to notice unpopular personal choices he made outside of his career that bothered me but I was so convinced we would be together in the end, I stood by him the whole time expecting to see change between us. I watched him hook up with countless women and date other women. (But not me. He kept me at an arms length always.) By 24, I saw him meet “her”. The girl he would eventually marry… It was a reality shock I didn’t want to accept or face. It broke me in ways no one really knew. (Especially him) I faced my first suicide note and that moment changed my whole perspective on “soul mates” and “finding the one”. I quickly shut off my feelings and emotions and sholved them in my back pocket.

I then began to settle for “lust” and threw myself away on emotionally unavailable men. After all, my emotions were scarred, broken and put away. I was becoming cold and dark. I met Cody, only a week after my first suicide scare. He convinced me not to kill myself but love-bombed me and I was so hurt over Jesse that the attention was distracting and overwhelming. I couldn’t eat for weeks and had knots in my stomach. I slowly felt myself let my emotions become somewhat vulnerable again and I began to trust Cody the more we talked. Quickly the “relationship” went from stranger danger to texting 24/7 and we didn’t get any sleep or didn’t eat or do anything accept text and talk about our past traumas and hurts. It was exhausting but I truly felt safe sharing my feelings with Cody as he also shared his deepest feelings. It wasn’t much longer though when Cody randomly dumped me for no reason at all… Said he wanted nothing more than friends but ignored me after. Oh it hurt so much and I spent a summer really confused and sick over him. I started sexting with countless random guys daily on KIK just numbing myself out. Cody came back to me in late august, love-bombed me some more but then eventually he ghosted me!! (No closure or a goodbye, just disappeared 😭)

I felt traumatized by Cody and being suicidal over Jesse, I was still so lonely yet I was numb and felt nothing. I was doubting ever finding love more and more. 5/6 months after being ghosted though, I met “Andrew” and it was all over!! I questioned was I falling in love with him!!! Andrew bread-crumbed me for a whole summer then pretended to want a relationship with me for a year, loved-bombed me so hard, I was dreaming everyday to have a baby with him!! I was using apps to collide our pictures to see what our baby would look like and picking out baby names but his actions never matched his words AND he kept disappearing from me 2/3 days at a time, causing me to believe he was cheating which I eventually found proof he was. I was in major trauma-bond with him and didn’t think I could ever get over him… I had to though because he was hurting me over and over. I was fearful for my mental health, as I was suicidal and depressed daily. Also I knew my family wouldn’t ever approve of Andrew or his behavior. I knew he wasn’t a good guy but I was just very attached to him. I was so exhausted after Andrew and didn’t see how any guy could ever want me 😔 I felt like Andrew’s old garbage he threw away. I felt used and stupid.

Finally I met my husband and he was the nicest guy that had ever talked with me. He truly respected me and seemed like he had genuine intentions which I could tell and see but I had my guard up because guys in my past did not have good intentions. My husband talked with me faithfully for 3 months as a “friend” even though I kept rejecting him as more. (He asked me out 3 times and I told him no) I realized after the 3 months that there was opportunity to actually be in a good and healthy relationship so I had to take the leap of faith and swallow all of my fears, past traumas and views of men in general. Right before meeting my husband, I made the open statement on various social media accounts that “men are pigs” and “they all just want one thing” but my husband was clearly different and treated me differently than any other guy ever had before. I almost gave up on love but I’m glad I didn’t. Taking that leap of faith brought me to a beautiful wedding, a dream honey moon and a really super genuine and generous man. It wasn’t just “being brave” for me. It was me wanting to find a partner so bad and honestly, I had nothing to lose. I had been hurt so many times and on the verge of ending my life so much, what was one more try? You know?? You can’t give up! ❤️‍🩹

[andthebubbles]

i just. feel like rambling. bc. yet another sexuality crisis LMAO

so i've gone from ... ace, to maybe lesbian to bi very quickly, bi for ages, then some sort of 'i think i get romantically attracted to men but not physically attracted to them, and physically attracted to women but not romantically attracted to them', then... back to ace, then panromantic ace, then... hecc, maybe i'm a lesbian but like... idk if i want sex/kissing, even if i might be attracted to girls in all ways...

i made a thirst blog yesterday. it's all the thirst blog's fault that we're now having yet another crisis~

i feel like heteronormativity has played a huge part in all of this. like, just feeling like you should like guys...

i remember when i was about 10 maybe? and i was at my cousin's house. and one of them just got a girlfriend (they're both male (and older than me)). and it just made no sense to me then, why would you go out with a girl, get married to a girl, if you're a guy.

in hindsight i had a crush on a girl called heidi when we were 11. my parents lol sent me to coaching to prep for the selective school test, and there was this girl there, and i don't remember her much now, but she was quiet and lovely and i just wanted to be with her all the time. anyway, coaching lasted two weeks, and i never saw her again :( (we didn't miraculously end up at the same high school, although i think a few people from her primary school ended up going to my high school, and i did ask about her in yr 7, and i thinkkk i know which high school she ended up going to but like. you don't just go over there lol. also we didn't exchange emails or whatever)

when i was 14 or so? i had this (piano) concert at someone's place, and there was this one other person doing his recital there on the cello, and maybe this was a second crush, although this one felt more like ~i should like him because he's a guy (i went to a girls high school)

when i was 16/17 i sorta half changed friend groups (which academically turned out to be a great thing because most of them were fucking smart which, you know, body doubling); anyway we're not going to name this bitch so we shall call her J. i think i... sorta knew/thought i might like her by the time i was 17, i just... you know, wanted to do the romantic shit with her and all that (hand holding, kissing, etc). (later when we were 18 iirc i found out that she did like me at this stage (when we were at school) (and later (at uni) she did not.)) but at the same time i was like, well i don't know any guys, maybe if i meet one i'll find that i didn't actually like her. so i waited till uni to meet some guys to test this theory out.

guys suck, btw. skjfgnkfjng no they really DO. anyway so... i did some digging, and found out from my maybe best friend from high school that, yeah, J used to like me but didn't anymore, but i was stupid and a wreck so about a week later iirc we went for a walk in the nearby park and i nervously told her i liked her. and yeah. don't do that. lmao. in my defence i was 18

but anyway flash forward a few months iirc; we did remain friends. and i can't remember how it happened but we decided to date, maybe she thought she liked me again, idk. so iirc we hung out ONCE, went to sushi train, i can't even remember if we held hands, we didn't kiss. two weeks later, she was like, yeah actually i think i'm straight.

she started dating this dickhole guy shortly after, like, maybe a month or two after. and he started... being there during the group outings, and being annoying af.

anyway this part here ^ is the story of how i lost pretty much all of my high school friends by the time i turned 19. (and when i switched majors when i was 20 i lost the few uni friends i had as well. whatever)

when i was 19/20 i had this online friend who i met via LJ via the fandom we were both in at the time. um, we were together for a few short months, maybe when i was 20, whatever the HELL that means when you're in entirely separate countries AND different hemispheres. anyway i did ruin this 'relationship' lol. but i did learn a lot from it

i remember i liked this girl when i was 22 who was in the course/degree i was doing at the time. but she was probably straight, and i was tired of trying. (and also very depressed lmao, from when i was 18 to 27ish tbh)

when i was 28, iirc, i reconnected with this guy who i'd known when i was 14/15/16ish. we're 11 years apart. when i was 14-16 i did always think he has very nice eyes. nice eyes do not make a crush btw!! but anyway, at 28 i was lonely enough that when he said he liked me, well... yeah, we were a couple for a bit. until i was 30, actually, and the lockdown gave me an excuse to dump him easily HAHA

i have never been attracted to a guy's body. the faces tend to be okay, but everything from the neck down is gross. GROSS. i mean, hands can be nice, and wrists, but, his weren't lol.

um, also, i should mention that he's an alcoholic. not a violent/angry one, thankfully, but hellishly inconsistent/unreliable, so that... that can ruin you. because you end up being unable to rely on them, trust that they'll show up, trust that they won't be some level of drunk when they show up, you don't even know what state you'll find them in, it's just bullshit. (i don't think anyone's gonna read this post, or if they do, certainly not in its entirety/down this far, but this is the reason why i hate hawk as much as i do. a relationship based on hope is bullshit. and i know this ^ isn't identical to hawk and tim, but in terms of ~relationships based on hope, yeah, it is, and i have a very low tolerance of that bullshit now)

anyway. back to the sex/attraction stuff. having sex with someone you're not attracted to is really boring. SKJGNKG. but we did do very mildly kinky stuff; he wasn't very into it. i was, obviously, but not particularly with him.

----(maybe this stuff below is TMI)----

i find sex quite... nice. like, having stuff done to me is... nice. kissing is not nice, it's too wet and saliva-ey and it smells, and i don't like it when the wet stuff goes past your lips to your chin, for example. and i don't like putting my mouth on stuff where e.g. pee also fucking comes out of. plus, it smells, it smellsssss of piss and/or sweat and whatever the fuck else, i don't understand

but now i wonder, if i was attracted to the person; if i was attracted to the girl, then maybe this would all become lovely? lol i remember thinking when i was having sex with this twat, that... he could've been anyone, he could've been a toy you'd buy from a sex shop, and i'd get the same pleasure out of it; HE didn't matter (sadly, i suppose)

--------

anyway. anyway, idk, now i just... idk. i guess i'll just keep wondering till i meet someone else i like. unlikely to happen, i suppose, because i don't really try anymore, and irl i just hide all of my real self. also, it's kinda hard to date girls unless you really try for it, or you come out, but i don't see why i have to come out if straight people don't have to come out, but ngl at this point it's starting to feel like dishonesty to yourself when people keep assuming that you're straight and you let that happen

[madisonrooney]

getting emotional about miley again woohoo

i know i talk a lot about dove. like a lot. but i hope people know how much miley still means and will ALWAYS mean to me. and i dont just mean that in just like a nostalgic, retrospective sense. no like she is still an active part of my life and thats never gonna change.

things are different than how they were in 2009-14, i cant deny that. but theres no one to blame for that. my migration to dove was totally natural and understandable since we established an actual irl relationship, and even before and besides that, she was always more accessible than miley bc she wasnt a worldwide phenomenon right out the gate. i got deep into miley WELL after her place in the world was established, but even if id gotten fully hyperfixated at the beginning, it wouldnt have been much different. who knows if dove is ever gonna reach that level. and im sure it also has to do with the fact that dove and i are much closer in age, as well as the characters shes played.

but that doesnt mean dove has entirely replaced her. and like i said, its more than just a "this impacted me in my past and im grateful for that looking back and i enjoy it casually now but thats about it" like no. my face still lights up every time i see her. i still stop in my tracks any time i hear any of her songs in public. i still excitably keep up with any new thing she does.

its just harder to establish myself as a miley fan with being a dove fan taking up most of my personality AND her being so mainstream that people think "yah a lot of people are miley fans" like sure but you dont understand im different lol.

quarantine really revitalized my l&m hyperfixation and my dove hyperfixation as well as a result and i think it made me put it a little too far ahead of hm and miley. after watching hmtm and the concert movie back to back with friends earlier this year, right before endless summer vacation came out, her meaning in my life really slapped me in the face for the first time in a long time like "god. what have i been doing." this isnt to say l&m and dove arent still up at the very top. the thing is, they BOTH are, and i need to remember that.

i found a post of mine from like two years ago where i called l&m "the best thing that ever happened to me." and like. what was i thinking. i wouldnt have been ALIVE to SEE l&m if it werent for hm and miley. is it ONE of the best things to ever happen to me? absolutely. did it, as a whole, come with fewer cons in my life than hm/miley did? arguably, yah. hm kinda caused the problems it ended up solving, but i still dont know where id be or if id even still be here without it. so i dont think anythings ever gonna top it.

they both impacted me in very different ways but both monumental, which is why i dont think its fair for me to put one over the other. i dont think i can say i have a single favorite show or favorite person. it has to be both. i think its fine in casual conversation to refer to one as "my favorite" but its not unlike calling more than one person your "best friend" yknow?

so plz dont let my love of one think that takes away from the other. admittedly, there have been times over the last 9 years where one distracted me from the other for some time, but deep down, i love them both so so dearly. but miley will still always get that extra bit of credit bc frankly she saved my life. and i need to make sure i make that clear.

tl;dr amanda has TWO hands

[feminexisting]

My Favorite Band Does Not Exist by Robert T. Jeschonek

I’ve only owned this book for a few months now; I bought it at the thrift store because I thought it sounded interesting. There’s a Quality Guaranteed sticker from Hastings that said the original owner bought it for $4.49, but the sticker from the thrift store that I bought it from shows that I only bought it for $1.99. I decided to read it because I still thought the summary sounded interesting. 

The premise is that the two main characters, Idea Deity and Reacher Mirage, are both running from their fears. Idea is running away from his parents, Vengeful and Loving Deity, for controlling his life, while Reacher Mirage is running away from his stage fright by never taking his band to the big leagues. Idea has so-called “Deity Syndrome”, a mental illness in which he believes he is trapped in the book of a malevolent author. If that weren’t enough, he’s also trying to figure out who is profiting off of the band he made up, the world-renowned and imaginary “Youforia”. Reacher, on the other hand, is trying to figure out who keeps posting about his band, Youforia, on the Internet. As he ran, Idea met Eunice Truant, a living statue who picked up shop and ran with him in the hopes of helping him out. Reacher, on the other hand, had his bandmate and girlfriend, Eurydice Tarantella, following after him when he was kidnapped by some fans for a reward. Interspersed throughout the book is the story of another book, Fireskull’s Revenant, with the main characters of Johnny Without and Lord Fireskull. If this weren’t enough, it seems that Idea and Reacher’s universes keep crossing and, if they don’t save them, the universes will end. 

Ohhh, this book. I don’t even know what to say about this book. I’m not a huge fan of switching POVs, so this was a struggle. When I came to terms with that and liked the characters, though, in came Fireskull’s Revenant, which was definitely not my thing. I kept with reading the book, though there were definitely points early on that I just wanted to put it down and never pick it back up. My patience was rewarded halfway through the book, when I really was enjoying myself, but the ending tampered my joy somewhat. It’s not that it was bad, necessarily... it just... wasn’t great. I didn’t like that it ended in Fireskull’s Revenant, nor that we didn’t get an ending for Reacher and Idea’s lives before they merged - what happened to Reacher’s band, Youforia? What happened to Idea’s parents? I would’ve accepted, I guess, that they disappeared in the merging of the universes, if it showed that Youforia, or some version of a band, hadn’t existed after the merge and they had gotten big enough for the merged boys (going now by the name Johnny Fireskull) to fake their own deaths and retire to South America. But the epilogue showed them starting a new band, or at least a concert, with the new band “Newforia.” So, what happened there???

To me, Idea never acted his age, roughly 16 years old. Instead, he acted like a 14 year old, and for most of the book, to me it seemed that Eunice and he were enjoying a sibling relationship. Once they finally kissed, it seemed they couldn’t help but continue kissing. It was tiresome and unnecessary! Of course, it seemed that this had to be another story about a woman fixing a man - Eurydice/Eunice/Eureka having to fix or help Idea/Reacher/Johnny. Her love fixed him. That’s great and all, but it was better when she was only helping him overcome his struggles, like a friend, y’know? Made it more interesting to read. Better than some unnecessary romance, certainly. 

I thought it was really interesting when Idea thought he was trapped in a book. It gave the book a really interesting metaphysical flow, making (one of) the protagonist(s) into a book character who is afraid that he is a book character. Making it so that he finds out he isn’t a book character in the last twenty pages of the book is so unnecessary and unfun. He could have accepted that he was a book character and put his trust in the author, right? So, why couldn’t he stay the way he was? It just seemed like a cheap cop out, saying that he wasn’t a character in a book at the very end of the book. 

Idea’s parents were more interesting in his fake lie about them having started a cult and wanting to kill themselves; in contrast, them just being overbearing parents was kind of a let down. I’d rather Idea try to save parents that have let him down by treating the whole Earth as their children rather than only him, than parents that let him down because they want too much for him. 

Although overall I didn’t care for Fireskull’s Revenant, I thought it was interesting how Lord Fireskull and Johnny Without both seemed to be drowning in a desire for revenge. We knew that Johnny was, undoubtedly, the good guy, so to see him genuinely want to kill Fireskull was exciting and something that you don’t see a lot of heroes want nowadays - usually, they think that by murdering their adversaries they are no better than said adversaries, even if the world would be a better place without their adversary. 

I thought it was interesting how Idea took Fireskull’s place. For Reacher and Johnny, it made some semblance of sense - they were both good guys, they both had issues with their appearance. But Idea and Fireskull weren’t quite as cohesive - Idea wanted freedom, not to control or be controlled, he didn’t want to kill anybody, and he wanted to run rather than to fight back. The only thing that connected them, I suppose, was that Idea had more rage than Reacher, at least when he thought people were profiting off of his imaginary band. 

I thought the ending was pretty interesting; I had already guessed that Idea and Reacher were two halves of the same soul, so to speak, which is why they were able to occupy each other’s lives when they switched universes, and that Eunice and Eurydice were obviously connected, but I didn’t expect the universes to combine and for Reacher and Idea (and Eurydice and Eunice) to become one singular person. Like I said before, I wish we had more closure on, at least, Reacher’s timeline, but I guess they had a happy ending and that’s what mattered. 

I wish we had more time with the big bad, the Prophet Highcast, the Secret King, Layermaster Telltale Halcyon, literally the guy who pulled all the strings and broke the chain and whatnot. He wanted to create the biggest Moment ever and... that’s it? What was his point? And, sidenote, why did his general or commander or whatever in Revenant look like Reacher’s bandmate, Wicked Livenbladder? What were the rest of the members of the Order like? Why did Eunice/Eurydice survive when the rest died? What was the point of bringing up Milt Ifthen if we never get to meet him or know him or anything? Just... displeased with the end. It felt like it was the right time for the book length to end, but the ending itself was wrapped up too quickly. 

I appreciated how the characters each had their own little quirks, like Reacher rubbing his shaved head and Idea rubbing his moles. I appreciated how detailed everything was and how it was written. I especially enjoyed the metaphysical nature when it was still metaphysical. I enjoyed the naming scheme, and how almost every character had an unconventional name. There were plenty of parts of the book overall that I enjoyed, but... I don’t know. I’ll probably keep the book but... I don’t know! 

I guess it was a pretty unique book overall, pretty interesting. 3.5/5, maybe 4/5. 

I didn’t have a bookmark for this book; instead, I dogeared the pages.