#I definitely think a lot of things could’ve been handled better though. so don’t just assume that I’m like

[calmbigdipper]

sooo it’s been a couple of days since I went to Miku Expo and like… I think I’m still reeling from the fact that I actually went since I’ve been listening to vocal synth music since my childhood and I never expected that I’d actually be able to go to one of these concerts?

some thoughts and highlights under the cut!

the show I went to was sold out (in D.C.) and I stood in line + waited for like, 6 or 7 hours? but I had so much fun that it was worth it!

I helped some people put film inside their penlights, and it was nice chatting with them while we were waiting!

some groups of elderly people who were hanging out in the area were confused about what was going on and after asking some concert-goers to explain they started laughing LMAO (some puzzled passerby’s asked me too and I just said “oh it’s a J-pop concert!” because I didn’t want to go into what Vocaloid was in full detail haha)

there were so many cute cosplays there; I saw a lot of people in Miku’s Vampire outfit and was surprised to also see an Oliver cosplayer, there were also some dressed as Project Sekai characters too!

before the show, every time someone in the audience held up a Miku plush, everyone around them would cheer and hold up their penlights

some people also brought Miku plushes that were bald and whenever they held up those, everyone would shout “BALD, BALD, BALD!” (and I heard someone say “MY EYES!!!”)

the songs the crowd were the loudest for were Miku, Vampire, and World is Mine (it was… so loud during World is Mine LOL)

Kaito fans were being Kaito fans when he did his solo (ILY Kaito fans you’re so iconic) and there was also a notable amount of hype when Luka’s solo finally happened since it took until halfway through the show to get to her

I know the setlist was quite controversial when it was released online but I honestly liked hearing it in person, I feel like the band really elevated the experience (kudos to them!), I really liked how they played for Literacy and Hyper Reality Show in particular

and maybe a hot take but the screen wasn’t… that bad to me? but that was also because I was in the very front and the venue put lights around the stage as well, so I may be biased

[cupidcures]

When Tulips Kiss | Hwang Hyunjin SMAU

CHAPTERS: 𝜗𝜚 TWENTY-EIGHT | TWENTY-NINE | 𝜗𝜚 THIRTY

WORD COUNT: 3k (not proofread)

CONTAINS: profanity, mentions of insecurities, mentions of cheating, soft boy hyunjin finally appears!

the second time?

“Wow… And here I thought you guys were actually getting somewhere.” Changbin sighed disappointedly while shaking his head at the same time. “I gotta give it to you though, you’ve got some fucking balls. I think the guy deserved the beating for instigating shit like that, to be honest. He was provoking you and he simply got what he was asking for, it was clear he wanted a reaction out of you.”

After Jeongin had left, the rest of the guys went inside Hyunjin’s room, demanding an explanation. So here they were, giving him their commentary and opinions on what happened.

“I was on your side up until the part you said you called Y/N a bitch and lashed out at her as well. You can’t blame her for checking up on the guy, he took a lot of hits, and MAYBEEEEE you went a little overboard. But like Changbin said, he was asking for it. Though, she could’ve done something to defend you.” Felix butted in as Hyunjin sat there quietly, nodding with each comment his friends add on.

“I wish I could take everything back. Well actually, I could live with knowing I beat Heeseung up twice, but hurting Y/N? Holy shit I’m literally setting myself up for failure.” Hyunjin covered his face with his hands and dragged his cheeks down, groaning.

“You should apologize as soon as possible. Even if you think she won’t forgive you, it’s better to apologize as soon as you can, rather than wait it off.” Chan patted Hyunjin’s back in comfort before smacking the back of his head.

“Hey!”

“Don’t start complaining now, that was barely anything compared to what you did to the poor dude.”

“Yeah yeah.. What do I even tell Y/N? She probably doesn’t even wanna talk to me.” Resting his chin on his hand, Hyunjin’s mind flashed with outcomes one after the other of what could end up happening when he apologized.

“If you really want to make things right, you need to tell her everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Stop pussying out of telling her your side of what happened in high school. If you told her from the very start and if you weren’t stalling, this all could have been avoided. In fact, I’m almost positive that she would have stood up for you when Heeseung started talking all that shit.“ Minho rolled his eyes as Chan nodded at him in agreement.

“Tell her everything that you felt too. Not just what you think happened. You need to be clear with your feelings and how your mind processed everything. Be vulnerable with her, and she’ll open up to you.” Chan offered additional advice. “And for fucks sake, do NOT do this over text. This is something that is meant to be talked about IN PERSON.”

“She would probably slam the door in my face if I showed up. She definitely hates me now,” Hyunjin mumbled and pinched his nose bridge in annoyance, but he wasn’t annoyed at you. He was annoyed at himself.

How could he have been so reckless to break down all the progress the two of you had built up together?

“So what? Face it. At least you could tell yourself that you tried, and at least you could let her know that you’re trying to make things right.” Felix put his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder with a determined look. “And don’t give up so easily either! I believe you can make things right!”

“Yah! You’re Hwang Hyunjin and you could get any and every girl you want, remember?! You got this! You can get your girl back, even if it takes longer than usual!! You just need to put in more effort!” Changbin joined in with Felix on the encouragement whilst wearing a smile on his face.

“She’s not just any other girl though. She’s everything to me and I can’t bear to think of the fact that I even hurt her. I fucked up really badly. I’ve already lost her once, I don’t think I can handle losing her again.” Hyunjin wallowed in his sadness as Minho let out a rather loud groan.

“Oh shut up and get your ass off the bed. YOU. ARE. GOING. Right now. You don’t wanna lose Y/N? The longer you wait to see her and apologize to her the more time you give her to slip through your fingers. Get your sorry ass up and show her just how sorry you are.” Minho grabbed Hyunjin’s car keys and shoved them into his hand before dragging him out of his room, through the hallway and the living room, and practically throwing him outside of the house.

“GO. APOLOGIZE.” Minho shouted sternly for the last time before slamming the door in his face.

Hyunjin blinked in surprise, not expecting this to happen at all. Despite that, he composes himself together and gets inside his car to rush on campus—to your dorm room—praying to anyone, anything up above who would listen to his hopes of you letting him explain everything.

~

Chuu was in the kitchen talking to her girlfriend on Facetime when she heard the knocking on the door entrance. Glancing at the top of her phone screen to check the time, it read that it was 11:23 PM.

“What the fuck? Who could be knocking at this hour?” Chuu whispered over the phone, her grip on it tightening subconsciously.

“Huh? Is everyone in the dorm already there?” Sooyoung, her girlfriend, asked in concern.

“Well, no. But they said they’ll be gone for the weekend. Should I open it?” Chuu looked at the door nervously, a small shiver running up her spine.

“Check through the peephole just in case. Be careful.” Sooyoung warned as Chuu nodded and slowly crept to the door, peeking out through the hole in the door.

Standing there was Hyunjin who was checking the watch on his wrist. Chuu watched him intently, confused as to why he was there.

“It’s just Hyunjin, Y/N’s… friend? I guess you could say that?” Chuu was still unaware of what happened that day, and so she still thought you and Hyunjin were friends. She watched Hyunjin look down at the floor and turn away. It wasn’t until he started walking away that Chuu finally opened the door.

“Hey, you here for Y/N?” She called out as Hyunjin’s head perked up, turning back around towards the dorm.

“Yes, actually. It is okay if I could come in and talk with her?” He asked awkwardly and fidgeted with his fingers, nervous that he’d get rejected without even having the chance to see you face to face. To his relief, Chuu nodded at his request and opened the door wider.

“Yeah, sure. She’s in the room, by the way. Don’t do anything inappropriate.” Chuu pointed her finger at his in an accusatory way but laughed right after, indicating that she was just joking around.

Hyunjin laughed along with Chuu a little bit before giving her his thanks and making his way toward the door of your room.

“Okay sorry Honey, I let him in but I’m back now~” Chuu hummed contently and went back to talking with Sooyoung.

Meanwhile, with Hyunjin, he knocked on your door softly so as to not startle you. “Y/N? It’s me, Hyunjin. Can we talk? Please?” He spoke in a gentle tone and waited for a reply. He was met with silence instead, so he considered just walking away and giving up. That was until he remembered his friends’ words to him.

“And don’t give up so easily either! I believe you can make things right!” Felix’s voice echoed in his mind.

“The longer you wait to see her and apologize to her the more time you give her to slip through your fingers. Get your sorry ass up and show her just how sorry you are.” Then Minho’s voice echoed.

They were right, he couldn’t back away now and risk losing you. Not again. Not ever.

“Y/N, I’m coming in, okay? Tell me now if you don’t want to see me tonight and I won’t. But I’ll be back tomorrow.” Hyunjin speaks out and still, no response. So he does what he said he would do, and he opens the door to the bedroom, only to find it empty.

Eyebrows furrowed in confusion, he looked around the room—which wasn’t even big, to begin with—for you, but you were nowhere to be found.

He sighed in disappointment and started to walk out to leave until he heard the door to the bathroom open, and there you were.

You stood there, frozen in shock as you made eye contact with the boy. If you had known that Hyunjin would be there waiting for you, you would have brought spare clothes to the bathroom and changed there instead. But you didn’t know, so you were standing there in a damp towel, water droplets pittering on the floor from your hair.

“I… wow.” Hyunjin’s mouth was agape and blood rushed to his cheeks seeing you. It’s not like he hasn’t seen you like this before. He has literally seen you naked before, but you still had the same effects on him, as if it was his first time seeing you like this. His mind went blank. Or maybe into a frenzy? Either way, he wasn’t thinking straight as he gawked at the sight of you. He was telling himself to look away, but his body wasn’t obeying him.

You stood there with a red face that matched his before grabbing the closest plushie to you and throwing it at his face, smacking him. “Turn around!!” You squealed and tried covering up as much as you could, but there wasn’t much you could do with a towel.

Hyunjin’s eyes widened as he snapped out of it, quickly turning his body around and squeezing his eyes shut.

“Shit… I’m so sorry holy fuck shit damn oh my god.” He cursed as embarrassment overcame him. ‘How long was I staring??? She probably thinks I’m a pervert now. Great!’ Hyunjin thought in his head, mentally losing it.

He heard rustling and shuffling of things behind him before you cleared your throat.

“Ahem.. You can turn around now.” You crossed your arms as Hyunjin turned to look at you with an embarrassed expression on his face.

“What did you need to say?” You got straight to the point and Hyunjin gulped nervously, mentally preparing himself for any possible outcome that may happen from this conversation.

“I’m… Sorry.”

“Is that seriously all you have to say?” You raised an eyebrow and scoffed in irritation.

“No! I mean, no. Sorry for raising my voice.” He licked his lips and took a deep breath in before exhaling.

“I’m so sorry for what happened today. I know I’ve already said it, but I truly am.” He started off apologetically. “I don’t know what came over me, I don’t know what possessed me to say those awful things to you. No words can describe the extent of my regret, I’ve never wished for anything more than to take back the words I said to you. They don’t reflect on what I feel about you at all, not even close.”

Your face softened a bit and you walked towards him, sitting down on the bed as you patted next to you, and he, almost instantly, sat down.

“I believe you. But It still hurt to hear those things, you know?”

“I know. I wish I didn’t hurt you. But fuck, it hurt so much to see you choose Heeseung over me for the second time. I cou—“

“Stop right there. The second time?” You looked at him in confusion, and he looked back.

“The first time was in high school?” He stated, or questioned. He stated it more so to ask if you were aware, but you stared at him, lost.

“…Huh?”

So you didn’t know. He was wrong all along. He doesn’t think this a lot, but this is one of the few times he was glad that he was wrong.

“Back in high school when we were together. I came in a little late for our daily meet up, and I saw you in the library with Heeseung.” Hyunjin clenched his fists at the memory, looking away so you wouldn’t be able to see his face.

“You two were whispering in each other’s ears, laughing. I wasn’t able to hear what you guys were talking about except for one thing. He asked you out on a date, and told you to keep it a secret from me and to make an excuse as to why you couldn’t hang out with me that day. Then he asked for your number, and you gave it to him. I left, because I didn’t want to hear any more. That’s when I started ignoring you. I started pushing you away because I was hurt. I didn’t want to talk to you because I knew that if we talked, I would have automatically forgiven you and I would've let you keep hurting me. I would've let you continue to cheat and I would've pretended to be oblivious to it because at least I got to have you in some way. So I ignored you to spare myself. I lacked the self-respect to confront you about it.” You heard Hyunjin sniff, so you gently grabbed his chin to make him face you, a singular tear running down his face.

He was crying.

You gave him a small, but sad smile. “I wish you would’ve told me, I would have explained everything. Hyunjin, we were talking about you. In a good way, of course. He was asking you what presents to get you for your surprise birthday party the following day. The “date” he asked me on was so we could look for gifts to give to you together. It was nothing like that, I promise you. I loved you too much back then to ever cheat. I wish you trusted me.” Your small smile slowly turned into a small frown instead and you cupped his cheek as he nodded.

“I was stupid. I still am. But fuck, Y/N. You were so perfect. You still are. It scared me. I didn’t deserve you, and I was so scared that you were finally realizing that you deserved more than what I could give you. You deserved better than me, and my insecurities got the best of me. Heeseung is just… so much better than me in so many aspects and I couldn’t help but assume the worst. Taller, smarter, more athletic, and fuck, I’m not even gay and I could tell that the motherfucker is beautiful.” He chuckled a little bit and you giggled at his last statement.

You opened your mouth to say something in disagreement, but Hyunjin beat you to it and held the hand, YOUR hand, that cupped his cheek. “I’m so sorry Y/N, I’m sorry for everything. Please forgive me, I’ll be better I promise. I’ll make it all up to you if you would give me another chance.” He cried as more and more tears bubbled out of his eyes and streamed down his perfect face, and your heart ached at the scene in front of you.

“Hyunjin…” You mumbled softly, but he didn’t seem to hear you through all his crying.

“I’m…in love with you Y/N. After all these years I’m still in love with you. I was.. I was in denial at first. I didn’t want to believe that after all this time, after all the effort I took to forget about you and move on, that it was all useless. But there's no denying it anymore. I love you. I want— no. I NEED you. I don’t want to lose you again.” Hyunjin got up from beside you, only to drop down to his knees in front of you, bringing your hands to his forehead.

“You don’t even have to love me back. I know you don’t. Just please…” He sobbed, “Please don’t leave me. I can handle us just being friends. I’m fine with that just please don’t leave me. I don’t want to live a life that you’re not in.” Hyunjin begged brokenly, looking up at you with pleading eyes, tears flowing endlessly.

You could feel yourself tearing up and your lips quivered as you knelt down to his level and hugged him.

“You fucking idiot. You’ll always be better than Heeseung in my eyes. You’re perfect to me. I’m not leaving you, not ever. I may not love you anymore, but you’re my friend. You have me, okay? Please stop crying, I hate seeing you like this. Honestly, I’ll still need time to fully accept your apology and forgive you, you were a real asshole today. But just know, I’ll forgive you eventually, and I’m not leaving.” You sniffled as he buried his face into your neck, attempting to stop.

“Thank you so much. I don’t deserve you, you’re an angel.” He whimpered and wrapped his arms around your waist.

You guys sat there for a while in each other’s embrace, and you waited until the cries died down to pull away and caress his cheek.

You stared into his bloodshot eyes, and he stared into yours. Even after crying his eyes out, you still thought he was the most beautiful man to exist. You offered Hyunjin a smile as he weakly smiled back.

“I’m getting sleepy, can I sleep now?” You giggled as his face turned red, immediately getting up.

“Shit, I'm sorry. I’ll get going now. Thank you for keeping me as a friend, I won’t ever hurt you ever again.” He took your hand and helped you get up before giving you one last hug.

“You don’t need to thank me for that, I want to keep you in my life too, silly. Now get going.”

You walked him out of the dorm room and waved goodbye, watching the silhouette of his figure grow smaller and smaller, until he was out of site.

What a day.

a/n: hi!!!! sorry for the slow update, i’ve been busier lately and i’ll be starting my senior year in college soon so i hope you guys understand 🥲 anyways.. i hope you guys liked this chapter! hyune got friendzoned lololol

𝜗𝜚 WTK series masterlist

TAGLIST (OPEN)! @jeonginplsholdmyhand @jeonginsgirl @mlrroh @mafiulaputaama @seungzsmin @hannie-bees @skz1lov @porang-poranglinos @sillyhal @mitchii @soulphoenix1618 @gnab-nahc @hyunjins-dimples @nappynapnaps @15092000volcano @livixcore @linocvp1d @yaorzu-blog @scallywag1299 @boo-ven9eance @lys4lix @kirbrary @4ln-stay8 @sellomaybe @aznstoner @saintcosette @starseungs @syedazarintasnim @elqivxstxr @ivydoesit23 @weirdowithaphone @hyuneee3 @nhyunn @velvetmoonlght @amarecerasus @skzstan12345 @ravengxbss @sweetbokji

[archivalofsins]

Oh, Yuno's birthday is coming up September 2- Let's worry together.

(Edited: 08/16/2024 10:25 pm Fixed some spelling errors and added some more details that I missed.)

From the start of trial two Milgram has been telling us every way it can that if something happens around Mahiru this trial she won't be able to handle it. Simultaneously Milgram has gone out of it's way to display to the audience that the person nearest to Mahiru is Yuno. As she is the one to engage with her the most in the timelines during trial two.

Even though Shidou is implied to be taking care of her consistently as well.

We actually see Yuno engaging with Mahiru more over the course of this trial and during the intermission of the first. So, I feel it's important to note the individuals frequently near Mahiru since the story has gone out of it's way to highlight how if something goes wrong near her that's it.

This has been done with Shidou a good deal despite him only talking to her once this trial. That's the same amount of times we've seen Futa and Amane talk to her,

23/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Amane: Happy birthday. Mahiru-san. How is your body feeling?

Mahiru: ……ah, Amane-chan. Thank you. Yeah, I’m fine. Now I can move around if I use a wheelchair…… It’s all thanks to Shidou-san looking after me……

Amane: I’ll give you one warning. The two of you are dabbling in something tabooed. If you continue to go against the way of nature like this, you’ll just bring an early death upon yourself. Think hard about this.

Mahiru: Amane-chan……? Are you really Amane-chan……?

24/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Futa: ……hey. Oi, Mahiru. You’re in pretty bad shape, right……? Isn’t there anything that can be done?

Mahiru: What’s up, Futa-kun? Yeah, I’m not great…… But Shidou-san’s been looking after me…… And he says if we keep going like this, I’ll get much better……

Futa: ……right. As long as treatment continues, huh. …… I wonder how you’re going to be saved.

Mahiru: Saved……? Are you worried about me? …… You’ve been a lot kinder lately, Futa-kun. …… I feel like I’ve been saved just hearing those words from you.

Then despite being alluded to helping her a great deal the only time we see Shidou speak to Mahiru this whole trial is,

23/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Mahiru: You have a family right, Shidou-san……? How does it feel, being married, having kids……?

Shidou: ……yeah, it’s a wonderful thing. Children…… yeah. They really are hope for the future. When you have your own, suddenly it becomes fun growing old. Since as you grow older, you get to see them grow up.

Mahiru: Ah…… how lovely. It was always my dream to become a bride. Though maybe that seems a bit outdated. I wish it could’ve come true……

Shidou: It isn’t too late. I’m going to make sure you live. So let’s get out of here, and you make your wish come true. ……you still have so much to live for.

Which is pretty much to just trigger a death flag given his track record when it comes to saving people-

"Not dead... Yeah, she's definitely not dead... I finally understand the value of what I've been robbing people of." - "To keep you alive, you are still living."

Shidou, "Trust me Mahiru I can save you. This time will be different."

"“Throw down” it’s ok, that’s enough! Can’t stay away. Please don’t forgive me. That’s why I want this to end “Throw down”."

Those who don't learn are doomed to repeat.

Meanwhile Yuno's proximity to Mahiru has been more than implied. It's been repeatedly shown. Yuno has been engaging with Mahiru since the series began and they've only been implied to have gotten closer. Considering all this emphasis being put on not having anything else happen around Mahiru I think it's reasonable to consider what could happen to those closest to her as well.

This in my opinion includes Yuno since it's been highlighted that she's taken on a pretty understated role when it comes to taking care of Mahiru with Shidou repeatedly.

Hell even before the second trial was even teased actually-

Since before the attacks were even teased,

22/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: What’s wrong, Haruka-kun? Did something happen? You shouldn’t look away like that when you’re together with me.

Haruka: Ah, s-sorry, Mu-san. Um…… No, it’s nothing. I just, suddenly got a feeling. That something is about to happen.

Mu: Isn’t that because it’s your birthday? Or perhaps it’s a sign the guard is about to wake up again soon? Fufufu, I bet they’ll be really surprised at a lot of things.

Haruka: That, might be true. But, I want the the guard to see. ……the new, me…….

Yuno was there by Mahiru's side. The timeline made this as evident as it could,

22/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Mahiru: My birthday…… the day I was born…… But was there really any reason for me being born? Lately I’ve started to wonder that. Do you ever think about stuff like that, Yuno-chan?

Yuno: Eh? Not really. I mean, Mahiru-san, you’re really the romantic type, right? Not that I have anything against that. But isn’t it a bit much to think that everything in life has a meaning? If it makes you happy to think like that then go ahead, but if it doesn’t, then isn’t that in itself meaningless?

Mahiru: : ……you might be right. I’ve always just lived my life like this, so I don’t really know.

Yuno: We’ve all just gone through a bunch of things in life that happened to lead us here. It’s nothing more than a coincidence. Definitely not fate or anything. Probably. Even if there isn’t a meaning, you can still be happy that it’s your birthday. That sort of thing’s all you need in life really. So happy birthday, Mahiru-san.

This is far before the attacks even happened,

22/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Kazui: What’s up, Shidou-kun? You’re looking pretty down. I guess you must be tired, I’ve been relying on you a lot lately.

Shidou: Yeah, I just remembered…… today is Amane’s birthday.

I’m just getting a bit sentimental.

Kazui: Hmm, it’s unfortunate, but at the moment we can’t worry about that. ……you understand, right? There’s something that you need to do right now. And if you tried talking to her your words definitely won’t reach her. Don’t look at me like that. We’ll just wait until the situation changes. Let’s do our best.

Shidou: Yeah. I’ll do what I can. I can’t have a child making a face like that. Even though we’re “murderers”…… we’re also the adults here.

Then they only get closer after,

22/09/02 (Yuno’s Birthday)

Mahiru: ……no, I’m fine. As long as I don’t move too much I don’t even feel any pain. Sorry for making you worry.

Yuno: Oh, really? That’s good then. Mahiru-san, if there’s anything you want then just ask. It’s not like it’s a huge burden, I can just ask for it along with my own stuff.

Mahiru: Ok…… I’m fine for now. Sorry, for making you worry.

Ah, Yuno-chan…… Today’s your birthday, right? Happy birthday.

Yuno: ………… Haha, thanks. Thank you, but y’know. Is it really ok for you to be saying that to me when you’re in that situation? ……you really aren’t suited for Milgram, huh, Mahiru-san.

The timeline continued to display that their closeness was consistent as well. In fact, it's implied to be just as consistent as Shidou's care of Mahiru is if not more,

23/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Amane: What is it…… Kashiki Yuno. Don’t sit so close to me. Go away.

Yuno: Sorry for barging in when you’re getting into your worldview thing. But Mahiru-san’s finally managed to get to sleep. Humour me with some small talk while I take a break. By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that.

Amane: ……I don’t think that. Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences, and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear.

Yuno: Hmm. Ok. ……happy birthday, then. It’s good that you were brought into the world, I guess.

23/09/02 (Yuno’s Birthday)

Kazui: I heard you’ve been helping Shidou-kun out. ……er, sorry if this comes across as rude, but it’s kind of unexpected. It always seemed like you didn’t care that much about other people.

Yuno: Hmm? What’s with that all of a sudden. I mean, you’re right, I don’t care much. But if there’s someone dying in front of you anyone would do what they could to help, right? And anyway, aren’t you the same? You usually don’t care much either, right?

Kazui: ……I wonder. This old man isn’t as much of a thinker as you are. I mean, until now I’ve been in an environment where it’s all about having physical strength. So I’ve never really thought about stuff like that.

Yuno: Haha, we’re the same in that we’re both liars too. I guess the difference is the reasons we lie. You care about yourself, so lie to protect yourself. I don’t care about anyone at all, including myself.

So Milgram has repeatedly stated if anything happens around Mahiru that will be the end of her when it comes to Milgram,

Jackalope’s “Second Trial Commencement Notice”

"Your judgment was “guilty”, and as such, her ideas were affirmed."

Huh, hold up... I was doing a reread and I kind of copied this from the transcript without questioning it. But um why the hell does it say affirmed? Is this a translation error? Huh, but it doesn't say that for the rest of the guilty prisoners,

Prisoner No. 3: Futa Kajiyama. Your judgment was “guilty”, and as such, his ideas were rejected.

Prisoner No. 8: Amane Momose. Your judgment was “guilty”, and as such, her ideas were rejected.

Prisoner No. 9: Mikoto Kayano. Your judgment was “guilty”, and as such, his ideas were rejected.

This is directly from the transcript.

If it's not an error which it seems rather intentional given everyone else is fine then Mahiru just has this idea that she'll always be rejected that was affirmed by the verdict. Or she doesn't think what she did was wrong and we're the problem. Something that could tie into this line in I Love You,

"It’s ok for everyone else but not for me." - "Tell me, oh tell me why, won’t you just accept me?"

Sorry back on track- Milgram has made it clear that if anything happens near Mahiru that will be the end of her,

"Because she was found “guilty”, she’s lost the raison d’etre of her own existence. Her dejection is something, to be sure! Dear oh dear. Also, as you can see, she’s just battered from Kotoko’s attack. If it weren’t for Shidou’s treatments, she’d be dead for sure. Lost. If anything else happens, she’ll die, that’s a fact. What to do, is all up to you, of course."

MILGRAM / Jackalope’s “Report on the end of Second Trial”

"Prisoner No. 06: Mahiru. “Innocent”, huh? Alright, alright. Ok, so you changed your mind? Or, was it sympathy votes? When you see someone hurting a little more than expected, does it make you want to go with “innocent”? Honestly though, you’d better worry about whether she’s going to last till the Third Trial. Let’s hope nothing happens around her. I guess it’s already too late for changes. Sorry. I’m like the guy on the couch watching the sports highlights and complaining, don’t mind me."

"Let's hope nothing happens around her-"

"……don’t tell me, did this murder seem smaller to you than the murders of the other prisoners? Thought-provoking!"

Milgram has ultimately put Yuno in a very precarious position.

Where she could very well get attacked or attack someone else. To either up the ante for her third trial or omit her character entirely because her reception has been too positive. As well as find a good source of conflict that would cause stress to Mahiru and exacerbate her existing issues.

Since in the the commencement even though they highlight Mahiru's physical injuries Yuno and Jackalope both highlight her mental health as well. Saying that her dejection is really something and Yuno even commenting that she wasn't suited for Milgram.

Jackalope said she'd be lost not die.

So if she's too mentally gone due to the death or possible betrayal but it seems more leaning towards death of the prisoner closest to her there's really no telling how that will impact the song extraction next trial.

Or if they'll even be able to extract anything in regards to her crime. Especially given we've seen first hand what the mental stress did to her song extraction this round-

Plus they highlight that this trial is all about prisoner relationships near the end of the trial commencement,

"And now, as we come to the second trial, I’m guessing a new basis for judgment has introduced itself in your mind. You are also human. You can’t help but develop attachments to the individual prisoners. If you find one “innocent”, another one might be in danger. If you decide to judge one as “guilty”, it may prompt the other to go in a wholly unexpected direction. In this environment of swirling interests, profits, and losses, will you all be able to follow the metrics of your own values, and decide correctly: “innocent” or “guilty”?"

So, yeah there's all that.

[l00rem]

Sammy Lawrence character analysis

I had a small epiphany recently about Sammy’s character which just recontextualized his entire character for me and I really wanted to write it down so here’s a mini essay about our beloved musician and prophet :)

I think one of the biggest questions people often have about Sammy as a character is why he never left JDS despite the fact he seemed quite aware of how horrible it was for his mental health and that he had the talent to get a better job. My answer to this is also the main basis of this entire analysis: Sammy is a person who would rather be treated horribly then be useless.

There are many examples of this throughout the entire series. To make things easier, I’ll be going through his character in a mostly chronological order.

Before being hired

To repeat what I said earlier, people find it quite strange that Sammy didn’t leave considering his level of talent and artistic genius. But I think it’s important that we flip this around. If Sammy has so much talent, how come before being hired by Joey he was taking on jobs that he clearly didn’t really want to be doing? To quote one of his scenes at the party:

‘ The man at the piano shook his head. He seemed annoyed.(…) Sammy was not a fan of attention and definitely didn’t like putting on a show like this’

So it’s obvious that performing to audiences isn’t how Sammy wanted to be using his talent. But judging by the amount of praise Joey heaps onto him, he could’ve gotten any job he wanted right?

This is where I’m going to start heading into headcannon territory, because we don’t really know much about Sammy before working with Jack apart from the fact he once worked for the cinema.

I think it’s highly possible that Sammy suffers from the case of being really gifted , but still not good enough. He’s definitely talented, he knows this himself. But for whatever reason he was never good enough to be hired to compose for movies or anything else he seemed he’d rather be doing. Perhaps this was because of his personality putting people off? He’s quite a straightforward guy, I wouldn’t be surprised if his employers didn’t appreciate his unsolicited criticism of their works ( in other words, they can’t handle his autistic swag lmao). In fact, going off of how suspicious and distrusting he is of Joey, Its possible that he’d been tricked or scammed by his past employers. Whatever the reason, it lead to him having to settle for less and not pursue his passion the way he truly wanted to.

This is why I think he’s surprisingly so easily hired by Joey. Sammy continuously acts like he’s disinterested in Joeys offer, even though we know he’s going to be working at this place for the next 16 years of his life. I believe this is because Sammy knows JDS needs him, he is too talented for this place which makes him important. Which means he’s useful and won’t be thrown away. This makes sense when you consider the state the music department is in when Sammy demands to see it.

‘ I opened the door to the small music room. An upright piano and music stand were tightly packed inside, barley able to fit in the space. (…) This definitely did not look impressive.’

The fact that Sammy immediately begins demanding things after seeing it says a lot too. It’s as if he’s immediately pushing to see what Joey will allow, to see how badly he needs him. The more desperate Joey is to hire him, the more safe and secure this job will be for him.

And so he takes as much control as possible, demanding complete creative control over his area. The more he’s responsible for, the more he’s proving himself useful. Even if this will lead to him having waaaay too much work for one person to handle.

Working at JDS

Sammy’s 1935 tape shows us just how much he’s willing to put up with as long as it means he’s useful. He’s completely aware of how overworked he is, but ignores this in favour of ‘ keeping the little devil happy’ which most likely refers to Joey. Despite how much he complains, I think he prides himself on being able to get so much work done in such little time. Perhaps he even sees being overworked as proof that the studio just needs him that much? That he’s that significant to the success of the cartoons? Joey probably also used this tactic to manipulate Sammy, to convince him that he’s only giving him so much work because he trusts and believes in him so much.

I think Joey also figured this out from the way he talks about Sammy in Tiol. In fact it’s as if he’s actively mocking him.

‘ I wouldn’t say I was lucky to get him as part of my team, nor that I’m lucky he’s stayed with me all these years.’

‘I can’t make anyone do anything, even as a boss.’

‘ I’d never trade Sammy Lawrence for anything.’

= ‘ oh yeah he’s really talented and could totally have another job if he wanted but I actually need him and would never throw him away! He totally has the will to leave if he wants to but he stays because he knows he’s wanted here :)’

Jack’s 1943 tape does seem to confirm that the studio needs Sammy. By 1943, bendy wasn’t very relevant. Most people hadn’t really heard about the cartoons. And yet Sammy and Jack were still winning awards for their songs. In Sammy’s mind this probably solidified that the studio needs him. He doesn’t care that Joey took the credit because that’s not what matters to him. Better to know your doing good at your job then to risk upsetting your employer.

It seems he prides himself on being able to take on so much work too. In the employee handbook there’s a newspaper article on how Joey mistreats his employees and here’s what Sammy has to say about it:

‘Some people can’t take it and that’s fine’- he’s highlighting the fact that he is someone who can take it and therefore is useful to the studio. He even seems to be projecting, calling those who drop out ‘ useless’.

I think ‘ love requires sacrifice’ isn’t actually something Sammy made up to appease bendy, it’s something he lived by for most of his life. He’ll sacrifice his entire mental health if it means he’ll be loved in return. Of course, this would later take on a more darker and literal meaning.

In fact, I think there’s another factor that contributed to Sammy not being able to leave. @threadedsafteypin wrote this analysis on how Sammy may have struggled with imposter syndrome:

https://www.tumblr.com/threadedsafetypin/668068661627600896/sammy-lawrence-having-imposter-syndrome-its-more

So this gives him another reason as to why he can’t leave. If he’s working at JDs because it enables him to feel wanted and useful, then quitting because he’s struggling would be literally admitting that there’s an area in music he struggles with. In his mind he’d be proving his insecurities right, that he’s not as amazing and talented as the world thinks he is.

But Sammy had people who cared about him that would’ve been able to prove to him he’s worth more then what he can do for others right? Probably, but I think he failed to see that because of how important it is for him to feel wanted.

Let’s look at his partnership with Jack. I do believe that they truly trusted each other and remained friends during their time at JDS. However, it wouldn’t surprise me if Sammy deliberately distanced himself from Jack. Sure, Jack is one of the few people Sammy seems to actually like, but would he leave Sammy for someone better if he realised how much Sammy was faking it? I doubt it. But Sammy’s fatal flaw is his lack of trust in other people, he’s so paranoid of being worthless in the eyes of other people that he’d rather isolate himself then risk losing them. Especially someone like Jack who is directly linked to him through his talent in music.

Tragically, I think his fallout with Susie would have confirmed this paranoia for him. From his perspective, Susie doesn’t like him anymore because she no longer works for him. He isn’t her boss, isn’t there to direct her anymore and is therefore useless to her. Of course, we know this isn’t the full story. Joey intentionally orchestrated Susie’s firing so that she’d think it was Sammy’s fault. It isn’t that she stopped caring about him because she didn’t need him anymore, it’s because she thought he’d abandoned her. This outcome is very beneficial for Joey, it’ll make Sammy more desperate to seek validation from working for Joey rather then his relationships with other people. So he’ll be more reliant on Joey, no matter how much work is shoved onto him. The moment someone doesn’t need him they’ll cut ties with him, so it’s best to stay with someone who obviously needs him.

Serving the ink demon

Sammy’s devotion to bendy is the best example of how far he’s willing to go to be useful to someone. I think when Sammy accidentally drinks ink for the first time he was actually in a very desperate position. In his letter to Joey at the start of Batdr he seems uncharacteristically worried.

Considering what we’ve established, it makes sense that he’d try to help the studio not shut down. If it does, not only will he lose the place he feels secure in, but it will also show that he wasn’t good enough to keep bendy successful ( this isn’t actually the case, we know it’s all Joeys fault for his spending habits, but I think this is how Sammy would see things).

Furthermore, by the time he gets infected Susie would have been fired for a while and Jack seems very absent in DCTL ( probably because he was murdered by Joey off screen) so Sammy would be lacking what little support system he actually had. Suffice to say, he would not have been doing mentally well.

Sammy knows this company is going down hill, it’s inevitable that it’ll go bankrupt at this point. He’s losing his purpose. Enter the ink demon. A terrifying and powerful being who promises to give him a new use. Sammy says it himself in Dctl:

‘It wanted me. He wanted me.’

‘The more I felt him. Heard him. I need to please him.’

He was so desperate to not be cast aside that he was literally willing to sacrifice his coworkers in order to be of use to someone.

And then he gets sent into the ink realm at some point and the ink demon presumably stops talking to him. He’s lost his purpose but doesn’t even have the option to leave anymore. So no wonder he deludes himself Into thinking bendy will set him free. He basically has no choice, if he faces the reality of his hopeless situation will he even be able to keep going?

He convinces himself that it’s all just a test, he hasn’t been abandoned, bendy does everything for a reason. He just needs to get him to notice him again through sacrifice to remind bendy of how useful he can be.

Bendy killing Sammy was a massive reality check for him. It sends him into a complete spiral as he’s forced to confront the truth that he’s been thrown away yet again. But he still can’t fathom why he’d been ‘ left to rot’. After all, he’d kept on sacrificing people like bendy originally wanted hadn’t he? He’d remained faithful even after being ignored for years, spent years praising bendy’s name despite all possible logic pointing against it!

He has nothing. He’s worth nothing. All the suffering he endured was for nothing. We can clearly see that Sammy despises being useless more then anything else. If bendy had kept on talking to him, even if it was all lies, he would have probably have been happier then facing the truth.

Having no purpose

He may have a stupidly small amount of screen time in batdr, but I think his jail scene still tells us a lot.

I’d go as far to argue that the Sammy we see in prison is probably his lowest point in the series that we’ve ever seen.

I mean just look at him. He doesn’t even turn to look at Audrey when she enters. He’s been told that his lord is dead, that he’s a false prophet, that nothing he’s done has mattered because no one is coming to free him. If this is how Sammy acts when he feels worthless it’s no wonder that he lied to himself about bendy being his lord. He’s completely dejected of all hope.

To add to this feeling of uselessness, it doesn’t even seem like he knows how to play anymore. It sounds like he’s trying to play hellfire follis but miserably failing. Not only does he fail as a prophet, but he can’t even be a musician- the last part of his identity he could even latch onto at this point.

And honestly, as happy as an ending as Batdr seems for most of the cast, I don’t think this’ll be the same for Sammy. After all, his lord has completely left the ink realm. He has no one to serve anymore. He’ll lose all his purpose, and everyone around him tells him this is supposed to be for the better? He’s supposed to be content with remaining an ink man for the foreseeable future just because there’s no other option?

I think Sammy actually has the potential to be a villain in the next game ( assuming we get one judging from that scene at the end). Maybe someone from gent, like Alan Grey, will somehow get in contact with him and promise to give him a use again. All he has to do is go against the residents of the ink realm in order to serve him. And if Sammy’s desperate enough, I wouldn’t be surprised if he accepted.

I really do hope we see more of Sammy. I don’t think the meatly is a particularly good writer so I’m not expecting some amazing character ark but tbh I’ll take any crumbs at this point. As long as they don’t make him forgive Joeys bs ‘redemption’ ark I don’t think they can mess up his character too badly. But I’ll guess we’ll have to see when the next bendy game comes out in five years.

[tragedy-peanut-gallery]

any headcanons about daeron ii's and myriah's sons?

WAUGGHHH YEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They’re probably gonna be a bit shorter than the girlies because…….. I hate men I guess /j

Baelor:

- Surprisingly the most normal of Daeron and Myriah’s kids even though the pressure placed on him since birth must’ve been I N S A N E. Probably would’ve snapped at some point if the brown haired gene didn’t come in clutch and neutralize the crazy in him

- And even tho canon tries to imply him having brown hair and a broken nose doesn’t make him as pretty as the other targs……… ignore them king, I KNOW there were probably hundreds of people writing some crazy rpf about this man!!1!1!!

- I also like to think he, Daemon and Daenerys were pretty close as kids. Like, yahhh ik their relationship probably rotted because Baelor was meant to feel inferior to Daemon and vice versa for differing reasons but…. Maybe I wanna make myself cry a bit. Maybe I wanna imagine them playing knights and dragons and stuff 🥲

- Definitely cared for Maekar a lot as his baby brother but also had a lot of trouble not seeing him as anything as his baby brother whichhhh….. probably made him come off as condescending a little okay he’s trying his best

Aerys:

- Asexual AND autistic, sorry I don’t make the rules and I’m not projecting onto him I swear don’t listen to what anyone else may tell you I-

- And the thing is, I’m sure he would’ve absolutely pulled a Vaegon if he could’ve, but honourably decided to stay behind for the sake of securing political allies for the throne (the citadel rejected his application because he cited his only strength as “reading”)

- Poor dude probably had some absolutely shitty sight due to eye strain, reading by candlelight in the dark is all fine and dandy until that becomes the only thing you do

- Ngl probably the biggest social outcast out of his brothers, I think the primary reason he trusted Brynden to handle everything when he became king was because he didn’t have that many friends/allies outside of Aelinor (not a big politics person), Shiera (witch girlie and also Brynden’s kinda gf) and Brynden himself so he was willing to go with whatever they wanted within reason

- Mans has no canonical death despite being a king so I’m personally gonna diagnose him with….. tetanus via iron throne in one of the few times he actually bothered to do king things

Rhaegel:

- I kinda like to think he was an artistic guy, really loved painting and drawing and probably would’ve tried out other mediums like pottery, embroidery and weaving if people didn’t stop him from doing so <3

- Probably dressed a lot more simply as an adult because he hated most fabric textures. Velvet and wool were his least favourites but tbh the only thing he could wear without getting fidgety in ten minutes would be cotton

- Also really hated when people touch his hair ngl! Dude has that really pretty targ men hair gene where it’s really long and flowy but that’s because he doesn’t like cutting it

- Okay tbh I like him but I don’t have that many thoughts on the guy 💀 I like to headcanon he drew a lot of dragons as kids and really liked telling his family what their dragons would look like and what he should name them and all that. His dragon would be light purple with red wings and gold horns and he’d call her Myrri after his mom :)))

Maekar:

- Absolutely the tallest and most athletic out of his brothers but absolutelyyyy suffering from an inferiority complex. No it doesn’t get any better when Baelor dies, if anything it gets much worse :(

- Had an unfortunate habit of getting people to dislike him, not completely his fault tho a lot of folks were just predisposed to thinking him to be kinda intimidating!!!

- Didn’t have a favourite with his kids, but Rhae was absolutely his baby because she was a lot like him when he was little in both looks and attitude lol

- Feeling a little angsty so I’m gonna say he had some memorabilia of Dyanna that he’d keep with him at all times. Like maybe a bit of her hair in a locket, or a portrait he’d keep in his room 🥲

[destiny-in-the-universe]

Commentary & Thoughts on Recent Fixations!

so, i recently finished another series; in other words, american dragon: jake long, and i am- screeching, literally. screeching.

first of all, i’m basically watching the shows i never got to see when i was a kid, or easily could’ve forgotten about because it was years ago, and holy stars- none of the shows disappointed, but unfortunately it has led to a recent amount of ridiculous brainrot and horrible fixating that could easily be a problem lol (it already is, i can’t seem to get enough of this content)

this is the reason why the secret quartet project has become such a big thing for me, but this isn’t technically about the crossover- this is literally me using tumblr as a way to get out my thoughts and theories and headcanons for the shows because goodness gracious, why did i have to fixate on cancelled- discontinued :)- shows but okay, this one is mostly about american dragon.

on one hand, you’ve got our title lead - jake long - who, oh my stars this kid- let me reiterate by saying he is in middle school (even though he’s fourteen, so did he get held back or are schools different in nyc?) and so a lot of his dumb, stupid, and daring decisions are literally because he is a teenager. jake however, is so adhd coded it’s insane, but anyway- like. he grows so much during the series- knowing when to open up to his own mistakes, that he’s clearly protective of his own family, and so forth but i also feel like bringing up: living a double life is hard and having to protect an entire magical community is going to wear you down, and we do get to see that- jake’s a kid with a huge weight and responsibility on his shoulders and hoo boy, he gets to go through it- esp. in season two- that was an entire rollercoaster

which also brings me to my next point: the huntsclan arc could’ve gotten an entire season dedicated to it, and not to mention- there’s- the whole thing with jake and rose and i’m just. we’ll get to that later but oh my god, the whole attempting to destroy the entire magical community should’ve gotten an entire season because much like other series i got into- american dragon is very episodic, and not entirely as connected but i wish we could’ve gotten more about the huntsmaster- what his deal is exactly, and why he’s got it particularly out for the american dragon specifically, but alas it ended too short-

but it easily brings me to my next point and one that will not leave me alone no matter what i do-

first of all: the dark dragon could’ve been handled so much better. like, don’t get me wrong- it was an interesting storyline, the arc was brilliant but because of the way the final episode ended- among other things- but seriously, i wanted more in the battle between the longs and the dark dragon, i wanted to see the dark dragon’s backstory and who he was but of course, i really don’t think he would’ve come back, after the season two finale

though this- oomf, that entire episode was wonderful and i loved it but also had me screaming the entire time- it ended a little anticlimactically and a bit disappointing i’ll admit because i had certain expectations, and you could definitely see where they were trying to pave into the next season but then that never happened. the dark dragon should’ve also had its own season with expanded lore and arcs- it also ended so anticlimactically, and i was hoping to see more for the identity reveal (i had no doubts that jonathan would be accepting but holy cow- i wanted more-)

also, fair warning- this might get long because there’s so much commentary and thoughts but there will be more, both for this and the other active fixations,

Character Dynamic Commentary

Jake and Rose: these two make me want to go feral; like, oh my god- they are so star-crossed, and their dynamic was so good? but you also have the fact that rose had amnesia; she literally had her memories wiped away, and replaced no less, only to move to another country. jake seriously went through it here, though this only brings me to my next point- rose realizing that jake was the american dragon honestly tore a piece of my heart out- but then we get the freaking episode where the huntsclan got their hands on the aztec crystals bc rose was being threatened and i swear i screamed; but rose and jake are such a power couple, like they would be unstoppable if they were able to fully work together, we’ve seen it. their relationship deserved to shine

Jake and the Long Family: i don’t really know how to describe all of them, but honestly- jake is clearly very protective of them; and while yes, he has the sibling rivalry with haley- and he genuinely does want the experience of a normal teenager, there’s still a lot he’s shown to be protective of his own family. there’s episodes where, despite his complaining about his own dad, jake realizes just how much jonathan long loves him and it’s so- holy stars, it makes me want to wag my tail, the one with the straogi where jake is weakened by them, and he still jumps at the chance to protect his dad even when he can barely do anything? or when he finally releases being a cougar scout could be fun? like also, the series finale- in season two, when jake almost gave up everything to save gramps from the dark dragon- he’s fourteen and does this, like i could honestly tie it back to jake having a dragon’s possessiveness but we’ll leave that for a separate post

Jake, Spud, and Trixie: i’m going to screech about these three. i love their dynamic- and jake and spud are very neurodivergent, you cannot take this headcanon from my cold, dead hands lol. like jake is adhd and spud, this kid is autistic. you will not be able to change my mind but seriously, their friendship is so strong and sure for episode reasons, sometimes they don’t exactly get along and it was almost killing me with the knowledge that spud and trixie didn’t know about jake being a dragon- the first reveal episode had me grinning, they are the best of friends. also spud knowing coding and hacking despite seemingly being very dumb? like he’s clearly intelligent- and admitted he would fail on purpose so what more is there to him?

Jake and the Dark Dragon: i love how i’m referencing a dynamic that barely got its screentime- but also, there was so much more potential for these two. like, i would’ve loved something where the dark dragon wanted to recruit jake to join his army- mentor him, it would have been such a great way to turn jake against his grandpa, against his own family but they didn’t do it. also, genuinely would’ve just loved learning more about what the dark dragon’s deal was- we got more for the huntsclan than we did for him, and maybe if the series hadn’t been cancelled, it might’ve been seen but alas

Now moving on to the closing features because i am immensely fixated- if there was a theoretical season three, i genuinely want the new threat that jake has to face to be the government (?) - think something like the guys in white from danny phantom but where they’re trying to capture magical creatures and do worse than what professor rotwood has tried (maybe even he goes on to help jake when he realizes that this group isn’t just looking to expose them) and planning to experiment on them or something. jake could be captured, or something like that and then things get more intense but we’ll get to this later because hoo boy, oh i have so many thoughts about the would’ve-been of season threes (looking at you too, rc9gn)

anyway, this show did not disappoint- sometimes it was kind of awkward to get through but even then, even with all of that, you could see the dedication placed (but the season two design for jake as a dragon was certainly… something)

anyway, that‘s all i have for today!

~ Mod Danny

[georgianadarcies]

My advice is always to shoot your shot if you've been in love with someone for a long time because it gets to the point where it's clear you're never gonna be able to move on any other way. Like if even him having a gf didn't give you enough closure to move on then shooting your shot and getting a definitive answer might be the only way. So regardless of whether he likes you or not I would still think that's the best move. HOWEVER if he just broke up then now might not be the best timing.

Follow-up question though, can I ask why he stopped being friends with you and how/why you became friends again, cause I do think that might be relevant info to whether he might have been interested

so what happened last year happened for a couple different reasons. I don’t know for certain, I’ve only guessed that he figured out or found out that I liked him. at the time he was still with his girlfriend and we had become friends to an extent at least. I think for whatever reason that made him pull back. and it wasn’t the best way for him to handle it, but I’d also like to say that he’s matured a lot in the past year. that’s not to say that something like this couldn’t happen again but considering that and the fact that he is single now, it’s more up in the air than it might’ve been even at the beginning of this semester.

our dynamic right now is… in a weird place. he seems to be past whatever happened — he’ll talk to me and strike up a conversation when we’re around one another, and he’s been a great teammate and captain. things have gotten back to the point where he gave me a half hug (fully his prompting, I did not instigate this one bit) at a team party the other night. which doesn’t mean anything other than the fact that he’s the most comfortable with me he’s been all year.

I’ve been in love with him for the better part of two years now and it will bother me never knowing. and I know the whole “he wanted to, he would” but I never really put myself in his line of sight other than as a friend. and yeah, as our mutual friend/teammate said to me, I may not have a good chance, but he also doesn’t think it’s zero. the breakup is kinda a gray area because that relationship was over for a while and he broke up with her/it was never that serious.

what I’ve been thinking is that we’ll both be in the area over the summer and I’ll be living a five minute walk away from him. if I attempt to spend time with him and he rejects it point blank/gets weird/isn’t interested, I have an answer immediately, and if not, we can hang out. ideally there’s a few drinks and I have an excuse to flirt, and things go from there lol. and like, if he reacts poorly/shuts it down, there’s the excuse of being drunk, and I have my answer. and the same teammate really doesn’t believe that would cause many problems, he has a lot in faith that this boy will handle it well. it’s not like a master plan but I wouldn’t be careless about it anyway.

so… I have some stuff to think about. but I’ve been sitting on these feelings for so long and they haven’t gone away, I’ll always wonder if something could’ve happened. and if it doesn’t, it’ll suck, but I’ll still be hurting otherwise. and on the smallest, slightest, tiniest, 2% chance something great could come out of this… is it worth it?

I really appreciate you like listening to my stupid silly ramblings and giving an answer because, as crazy as it is, I am genuinely considering it and it’s something I should really give good thought to. the consequences scare me considering we’re teammates and will be on e-board together but everyone else seems to think that taking the risk with someone in the friend group/on the team isn’t as awful as I think it is, so. there’s that.

[stupidthingsgoodoutcomes]

With how season 3 ended I feel like Luke popping in to "visit JJ" in season 4 could definitely happen. Especially if season 4 is supposed to be JJ's season. I know lots of people want Luke to return for a redemption arc, but personally I hate when shows just redeem abusive parents because they don't know how else to resolve the characters/their relationships with their children. If Luke was to return to OBX how would like, or envision, that plot-line to go?

I wouldn’t be at ALL surprised if the Luke storyline isn’t tied up yet. They better not try to do a redemption arc for him, though, that would be the worst thing they could ever do. I don’t think they will, thankfully - they’re very mindful of how they handle abuse and I know Rudy especially has talked about how he works to make it authentic and respectful to the people who’ve gone through it. So, I’d say a redemption arc is thankfully out of the question.

Still, though - Luke hearing word that his son has money now and trying to come get some off of him? That sort of thing has basically happened in canon. I wouldn’t be surprised if he were to come back and ask for money, because he’s terrible like that and would absolutely take advantage of his son.

It’s hard to say how JJ feels eighteen months later, because so much could’ve happened. I think, though, that he’s probably still torn. He loves his dad and craves his approval even if his dad has been nothing but terrible to him. Even as his dad leaves, he’s still trying to help him - getting him food with his own money, helping him steal a boat, throwing away the drugs.

I think JJ would find it really, really hard to say no to his dad. I think what he said in season one was true - I don’t think he’s afraid of him anymore, at least not as much as he was. I do think he still wants his approval, and of course he’s still struggling with the consequences of years of abuse.

My take on it is that JJ would still feel inclined and pressured to help is dad if he came back asking for money. I do think, though, that this time Kiara would be there to help him understand he doesn’t need to give to someone who’s given him nothing. I think it would be a good moment for the character, and a good moment for Kiara and JJ’s relationship. Someone needs to remind him that he doesn’t owe his dad anything. I think he deserves to know that, and I could certainly see that happening in season four.

[skyward-floored]

Maybe I’ve missed this, and I know there were IAU chapters based on it, but how did you like Incredibles 2?

It was pretty good! I haven’t watched it in a hot minute, so I don’t remember all the little details, but it’s definitely not as good as the first one. It has a lot of things I like about it though, and I’ll gladly watch it!

I think the biggest thing for me is like, the screenslaver villain was interesting, but also I think they could’ve made it fit in a little better with things? If that makes sense? Like, the screenslaver’s whole thing is like “oooh people are obsessing over screens and technology and not living in the real world” but it doesn’t really seem to affect our heroes’ lives? None of the main characters seem to have an obsession with screens. We don’t even really see side characters being obsessed with screens, or anything like that. It just feels a little... disconnected, I guess? Idk, it’s sort of nitpicky, but it bothers me lol.

I also think it was a little odd that supers were so easily welcomed back into the public sphere? I know a lot can change in 15 or so years, but from when they first decide to change people’s views and when they sign the thing making supers legal again, it can’t have been more then a month..? I just don’t think it would happen quite that fast. But again, that’s another little nitpick.

I also think it would’ve been more fun to have the second movie be a few years later instead of a few months, see the kids a little older, have things a bit more changed. But that’s more personal opinion then a real complaint.

...But that’s enough about what I don’t like lol, it’s still a good movie! The action scenes are great and fun to watch, all of the kids’ struggles are realistic, and the dad trying and failing to handle everything is both funny and relatable. That scene of him at the table trying to figure out math was me with my mom SO much XD Also we really get to see Mrs. Incredible shine, which was fun, especially with all of those other heroes that get brought in, and the real villain ohohoho, that was a neat twist.

I think my favorite part is when all the hypnotized supers go to the Parr’s house to get the kids and Frozone comes in to help them, and Frozone ends up just barely helping them escape but gets hypnotized in the process and aaaaaaaa it’s so tense and good. I can’t wait to write it in IAU lol.

So yeah, good movie with some flaws, but nothing is perfect so yknow. I’ve been meaning to watch it again for research purposes, but I haven’t gotten a chance to yet :)

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I thought tonight’s Casualty was, overall, very good. It did feel a bit crowded with storylines, some better than others, but overall I very much liked it.

The first thing I thought after this episode was: “So Jacob is definitely getting a depression storyline, then?” I mean, it wasn’t subtle. The feelings of isolation (amplified further by Iain snapping at him, even though it was understandable), blaming himself for everything, the obsession with saving people to make up for how they couldn’t save Robyn... it has to be heading for a depression story.

If they do go there, it’s going to be very sad, but Charles Venn will play it brilliantly.

I’m very, very glad Teddy is okay! I was surprised they didn’t mention his heart condition, though, I would’ve thought that would be another thing for the paramedics to worry about. Anyway, Milo Clarke was great tonight. As was Di Botcher - the scenes with Jan worrying about Teddy were heartbreaking. Normally the “these people have an argument before something happens to one of them, leading the other one to regret what they said” thing feels quite cliched, but I thought they did it very well in this episode.

I didn’t enjoy the Krish storyline itself so much, but then, I suppose a sad story like this isn’t the sort of thing one can ‘enjoy’. They did do very well at creating a tense atmosphere for those scenes, though. Some great writing/directing/acting there.

A lot of great scenes came from the Teddy story. The moment between Jan and Sah, Sah visiting Teddy in his hospital bed, etc. I loved all of those.

The Jan and Gethin storyline is very interesting, even though it’s sad. Their scenes together are fantastic, and brilliantly acted by Di Botcher and Robert Pugh. I wonder where this SL will go next?

I loved the story with Louis and Lilly. When I saw they were bringing Louis back (after we first saw him a few months ago), I didn’t know what they were going to do - and I still don’t get why they brought him back, I don’t care either way but this could’ve been any pair of patients, it’s not like Louis knowing Jan already was a big aspect of the story. But it was very good! I love the disability representation on this show so much. And the actress for Lilly, Bethany Asher, was great in the role.

I wonder if they’ll bring in Rida’s relative that she mentioned. I did think “oh no”, but then I remembered this is Casualty, and it’s Holby where characters got disabled relatives who were depicted as “burdens” to them (Jason for Serena, Lizzie for Madge, etc.). Casualty would handle this perfectly well. I’m just still bitter from Holby.

Also, more people should be as nice and caring as Rash. The scene where he apologised to Lilly was lovely.

I don’t know what happened in the Faith scenes and I don’t care. Well, I did get that Faith told Natalia she’s dating Iain. Meh. Natalia’s coat was nice, by the way, I’d love to have that coat.

The Donna and Dylan friends/not friends/friends arc continues. We didn’t get much Donna this week (presumably they’re trying to gently settle her in before she gets bigger stories), but I loved what we did get. Same for Dylan. Him saying he’d give her lifts to the hospital until she got her car back was so cute.

I don’t care whether this goes in the friendship direction or the romance one, I love it. And I love how when one of Dylan’s nurse friends leaves, they seem to get him another one straight away. David was introduced soon after Lofty left, and now David’s left too, they’re pairing him with Donna. It’s great.

[carcharsaur]

finally finished something else to put in my got damn tag, let’s go gamers

norn9: var commons an interesting game, charming and understandably a classic from the vita era, but over-ambitious and kind of unfocused and bloated, with a few rough spots

without spoilers, I legit think my perception of this game got really skewed at the beginning based on the play order I did... I would not recommend kakeru first HAHA

I think best off for overall plot elements would be something like: Senri -> Heishi -> Sakuya or Itsuki -> Masamune -> Kakeru -> Akito -> Ron -> Natsuhiko -> epilogue but the only one that is super super required is natsuhiko last, I think. I definitely think them putting kakeru on “recommended” was a MISTAKEEE it left me so dazed about stuff playing it first

part of the game’s problems is just that right there... too many damn routes! a lot of them had endings that felt really unfinished, and there’s a fandisc being localized later this year for the first time but! ideally a game should stand on it’s own merits rather than needing a sequel to feel properly resolved v_v that said, I am rather excited for the FD regardless because I’m invested now lol

on a positive note, I loved all 3 heroines! they’re all characterized distinctly and thoroughly, helped by them all being voiced which I love love love to see in this genre. it helps their characterization a ton, and makes me so much more attached to them. they interact frequently, and have each other’s backs in the stressful situations they find themselves in, rather than squabble over things which was really good. I struggle to pick a favorite from the 3, they all have different charms points and mild frustrations for me. mikoto got the most tears from me overall, I adored koharu and her well-executed (imo) neurodivergent vibes, and I could relate too well to nanami’s emotional wall she builds around herself and her, well, PTSD? T_T haah

my fav pairings for each were: Koharu and Senri, Nanami and Heishi, then Mikoto and Natsuhiko!

-getting into spoilers now-

I also really loved this game’s setting/world lore! it was really interesting, but at the same time it almost feels like the premise of all this would’ve been better served with something that’s not a romance game. it feels like the background and over-arching issues should have had more time and development rather than being brushed over in the course of 10mins in most routes... I know it’s heretical to say for otome games but that’s how it had me feeling. by the time you get to the epilogue it makes thematic sense that the love is an important part but it really, really, does not set that up and build on it well before then so I was left kind of wishy-washy on the game in the middle. I dislike comparing games like this; but the scenario director’s later work, Even If Tempest, handled the romance being integral to the overarching plot much better. though that also was a linear single-perspective story rather than 3 POVS with 3 routes each. orz

getting into more critical things now, the age stuff was a little weird and I just. ignored it most of the time but if that’s something that’s uncomfortable for you (16-17 yr old MCs getting with 20+ yr old guys =_=;) then yeah I strongly do not recommend. they don’t mention it too much but when they do it’s just. man was this necessary. man why did you make nanami 16 when she acts more maturely than the other 2 girls... though that might be the PTSD more than anything AGH. speaking of, I disliked that all of nanami’s routes either have the potential to, or just do straight-up mistreat her... not much to be said about it other than it sucks! it’s not unrealistic but well, forgive me for wanting my romance games to be a bit more idealistic unless they’re going for full tragedy/thriller/etc.

also I think 2 of the routes could’ve been straight-up dropped and had almost no impact on the overall game. ron’s just had... virtually no insight into him other than how awful he is which is like. a matter of taste I guess but god it was more boring than it was shocking or appalling. mundane in his slimy-ness? just magically fix your horrible mans by erasing all the memories that make him who he is. and when he wakes up, he’s somehow the same dude but without all the sadism? wateverrr -_-

and then masamune, I really really like him as a side/support character, and in a bubble I like his character too, and I LOOOOVE his voice actor but man. his dynamic with koharu was uncomfortable. not outright bad but just not a good vibe even if she was never uncomfortable with him it doesn’t sit right. and despite being one of the more ‘important’ characters to the overarching story his route had very little about that stuff in it.. ended up feeling pretty lacking. extremely ironic considering his whole power is being able to see the past of people (and objects?) he touches with his right hand (WHICH ONLY GETS USED ONCE?????). I ended up liking his bad end MORE than his normal end because it focused more on koharu’s relationship with mikoto in a way I liked, even though it was still a tragic circumstance.

they’re just good friends : )

my other least favorite route, which I admit at least has important plot and character and background information, is sakuya’s. I was enjoying it somewhat until he straight up ASSAULTS mikoto in a way that was too visceral and realistic for me, immediately made me want to dumpster him and the lack of real consequence or even anger from the MC in response made him irredeemable to me and I was sick of him by the end. even as a side character he chafed me rather than his overprotective comments being funny or... anything else. common yandere L

on the other hand, I think my fav character overall is heishi. his bad end is a little... huhhh... but I try not to judge too hard on those because most feel like insane non-sequitur anyway.. it felt ooc for him even with his emotional instability. I did enjoy that it was longer than basically every other bad end, though. most are throwaways but his felt like there was some real effort behind it, at least in regards to the decisions nanami brings herself to

but anyway, I could understand people not loving his route or being frustrated with the route it takes with his genki-seeming character. but I find his struggle to control and suppress his negative emotions out of legitimate concern for those around him relatable and compelling! regardless though, when he’s a supporting character he’s MVP for me, no doubt. I didn’t expect him to grow on me so much!

alright after all that I think I’ve run out of steam and thoughts for now...

other than, the epilogue being about robot love was cute! love giving even robots the power to make their way through life: really cute! but the shit about rebirth and exact dna.... man nah. good and bad I guess. I had a mostly good time though

masamune go bald in 5 years

undefined

[queenofbaws]

Hello Queenie! I once again never know when it’s the weekend until I see your posts so here I am!

For this lovely weekend prompt I’ve kinda decided to indulge into my favorite of tropes with the pairing that has not explored it (yet. Please God let the fandom go there)

So can I get some cheeky Abi finding out and/or telling Nick she’s pregnant.

definitely more than six sentence sat(or)sunday!!!

She wouldn’t claim it was the best idea she’d ever had. It was just an idea. That she’d had.

The only one she’d been able to come up with, actually, which maybe did make it the best, comparatively. Maybe. Possibly.

“Does it look like my pants fit weird today?”

Yeah, no, she definitely could’ve brainstormed this one a little more.

“Your pa…” Nick glanced her way as he finished fitting all the leftover Chinese food cartons into the fridge, his face contorting with laughter when he focused in on her pants. “I think your pants look fine, Abi. I mean, I guess I don’t spend a lot of time, like, judging that kinda thing, but…”

“Oh,” she said, drumming her fingers nervously on the table before setting her chin in her hand. “Okay. Just, y’know. Was just wondering.” She’d hoped the shift in position would help handle some of the nerves, but nope…no siree, her fingers just started tapping against her jaw instead of the table, which wasn’t a huge improvement. She flexed them, tried to hold them still…only for her knee to start jiggling instead. Which was great.

As she watched, Nick shut the fridge and tossed their silverware into the sink to be washed later. Just another Friday night. Except it wasn’t.

The gears in her head whirred away for a different route to take, another idea that might work a little better, but when she opened her mouth again, what actually came out was, “I just feel like they fit weird.” Nick turned to her again, the amusement on his face now accompanied by a healthy dose of confusion. “Like. Really, really weird.”

He watched her for a second, then slowly joined her at the table. Once he sat, he hung his head, getting a better view of her lower half. “Uh, well, I really don’t know what to tell you, babe…they look…pretty normal to me.”

“Okay, but what if they weren’t normal? What then? What if…what if they really didn’t fit right? What if they were, y’know, like, tight. Or. Something?”

By then, she could see the gears in Nick’s head turning too – he seemed to be having just about as much luck decoding her hypothetical as she was having coming up with it in the first place, though. “Oookay,” he started, speaking in the slow, stretched-out way he sometimes took on when trying to solve a puzzle. “I don’t think they…are, but if they were, then I guess…I’d say…maybe you just ate too much at dinner?” He offered her a tentative wince as he said it, clearly not understanding what she was asking of him. “That’s all I can figure, Abi. If your pants feel tight all of a sudden, it’s probably just a food baby, I don’t know what else to tell you.”

Little did he know, that was precisely the opening she needed.

“Whatifitisn’tafoodbaby?” she said in a rush, the fingers on her face now gripping her jaw tight instead of tapping against it.

“What if…wait, can you repeat that? I don’t think I heard – ”

“What if,” she tried again. “It isn’t a food baby.”

Nick’s eyes narrowed, and…yeah, yeah okay, she’d lost him. Again. Good. Great. “All right, I feel like I’m missing something here. You think your pants don’t fit. But you don’t think it’s because you ate too much. I guess I don’t get what else would be in your stomach other than f – ” She could almost hear it click in his head. “Oh. I – oh my God. Really?”

[the-ghost-of-jason-todd]

Heroes in crisis anon again

I can definitely see why you like it! I mainly take some issue with how Wally was treated towards the end (with him being arrested instead of getting the help he really needed — there’s nothing that says he doesn’t get help, but there’s also nothing that says he does, so it’s a little iffy for me), but I do love him facing his future self. That panel of future Wally hugging his younger self 🥺

As for it not being a villain, that’s actually not entirely true. It isn’t revealed until a later comic though (don’t remember the name now) but as it turns out, it wasn’t actually Wally’s fault. Which kind of takes away from Heroes in Crisis tbh, but I also get dc not wanting a very popular character being associated with murdering so many people, even if it was an accident

I’m glad you enjoyed it, though! I think there’s some things they could’ve handled better, but I like that they tried to address mental health bc it’s so important

Oh of course DC kind of retconned that. I wouldn't expect anything else LMFAOOO. They did the same thing with Jason Todd and Penguin, I feel. Idk if you've read any of Red Hood and the Outlaws (specifically the rebirth comics) but when Jason shot Penguin it really felt like it came from a deep well of pain, like Jason pulled the trigger because he NEEDED retribution, like in that instant he gave up his identity and his safety in Gotham and his truce with Batman because he couldn't bear to let the Penguin live after what he did. Aaaaaand then Red Hood: Outlaw came along and said oh, no, he shot Penguin with a blank. It was all a plot, haha, you've been fooled!

Like no! That was an incredibly emotionally charged moment! Look at what Penguin did! Look what Jason gave up! You mean to tell me it was all just a means to an end?????

......I have a lot of feelings about Jason shooting Penguin and maybe it's not the same at all, but yeah, I get that whole "later retcon takes away from the poignancy of a comic" thing.

But I guess I can't really complain? That's just kind of the nature of comics. It's like a giant game of 'yes, BUT' and then they have to figure out something super smart and new and interesting to do next. Like I don't really blame them for doing stuff like that, but in my head Jason didn't plan to shoot Penguin with a blank because there's just so much more emotional resonance if he didn't .

Anyway! I don't read outside of Batfam much so it felt really refreshing to get a story like Heroes in Crisis, with such a focus on the therapy part, as well as the side effects of the mask life. Especially when it showed how kindness and healing and resilience and community are tied so tightly together.

Like yeah, I def agree that it was nowhere near perfect, but I feel like it was just very different from a lot of other comics I've read. I'd love to read more stories like that one, but I have no idea where to find them, haha.

[wildernessuntothemselves]

Even as an OC x Beomgyu supporter I only voted that way because I really don’t want Taehyun and OC together.

That man deserves so much better LMAOO. I’m genuinely curious why people want him to be with her, she obviously loves Beomgyu and vice-versa.

I do feel for her though but I hope this is building up to a greater plan so she can redeem herself.

She could’ve gone back to Beomgyu without cheating on her husband THE FIRST DAY LMAOO but I guess that’s what happens when Beomgyu’s love is all she has known her whole life. But then again— that doesn’t excuse her, I’d be pretty hurt too 💀.

Beomgyu is a lost cause 😭.

Before you say this is my internalized misogyny— maybe so 👩🏼‍🦲— but I never had any hope for him 🕺. I really did expect too much out of OC 😔.

Even though I want them to end up together because that is what they want— I really dislike both of them IDHDBEI. They deserve each other, I hope I’m wrong about OC because I expected better (?).

I was all OC x Beomgyu because that is what they both want but the last chapter is just revealing how selfish they both are. At least in the chapters prior I could blame Beomgyu for all of it and OC was just a victim of circumstance but now she’s deliberately careless about hurting Taehyun and his image (fully aware of the consequences).

There was the chance that she could have been publicly affectionate to drive Taehyun away but I’m pretty sure she knows that’ll make him fight harder so 💀. Like- she says she went back to prevent the war but her actions make me think: “did you really? 🕵️‍♂️”

She’s adding more fuel to the fire 👵😔💔.

Taehyun deserves an all paid trip to Hawaii 🏝️, he’s been through enough.

Sorry for my rant.

"I’m genuinely curious why people want him to be with her" i think because they believe taehyun is good for her and could actually provide her with a healthier relationship which is true. but again i'll say that tyun isn't that great either. his faults just pale in comparison to gyu's insanity. also i think they want him to be happy and since he wants oc then they want him to have her. or most likely they like him the most and since oc is a reader insert in the end, they want to be with him therefore need oc to be with him.

yeah oc definitely fucked up with that one. she fucks up a lot but that one was inexcusably selfish. gyu didn't even force her, she's the one who threw herself at him just because she couldn't handle the idea that he doesn't want her anymore. she never thought about how tyun would take it. this will definitely get addressed next chapter.

i mean oc expected too much out of oc lmao and she's disappointed in herself too. the thing with oc is that she never really was put in a situation that challenges her big talk so she believed she could do it and therefore the reader believed it too since the story is in her pov but once she was actually put in that situation, everyone was left disappointed (except gyu who knew all along lmao)

with oc, she really is a victim but she turned into a perpetrator too like how abuse victims can sometimes turn into abusers themselves. yeah she turned out this way because of what happened to her but that only explains it, doesn't excuse it, and that is something she'll have to reckon with soon. now whether she decides she wants to do something about it or just continue being selfish is yet to be revealed.

i love rants so thanks for sending it lmao ❤️

[dragonmasterhiccup]

Spitelout avoided the Chiefs questions, instead choosing to continue firing angry shots. “Her build means nothing! Some of Berks best warriors are leaner than normal!” He gestured at Astrid. “Size isn’t an excuse!” It did when it was Hiccup, though. “For as long as she’s been here, she should be able to properly fight off any enemies!”

He glared at Valka. “Aye, but at least you tried. She, clearly did not!”

Danny’s leg shook as Hiccup went into detail, he shouldn’t have had to see that.

At Hiccup’s nod of encouragement, Danny tried to relax, she really did, but it didn’t work, not with Spitelout still looming over and spilling his nonsense.

She just nodded at Astrid, before turning her gaze back to the table.

Oh Gods, Hiccup had actually killed him? She knew that he said that Grimmel wouldn’t ever bother her again, but she didn’t think he actually killed him! It only took a moment for that shock to wear off though, she knew Hiccup would’ve done that if it came down to it, which it did.

Danny looked over at Fishlegs, letting out a shaky sigh of relief before giving him a small smile.

Snotlout, who had said nothing the entire time, had been startled when Hiccup asked for his input.

He looked between Danielle and his father, not sure as to how he was supposed to handle this.

There was always this expectation for the Jorgensons, especially him, since his father pushed it so hard on him from the very start.

If he disagreed with his father, then he wouldn’t live up to said expectation, and he also couldn’t even fathom what he might say to him…

But what was the right thing to do?

Sure, he wasn’t really fond of Danielle, she was an annoying teenager, and he was positive that he was twice the person at half her age, but she was… innocent. She was innocent.

“I…” His voice rarely ever faltered, so why was it now?

He caught another glimpse of her; her eyes looking at him, pleading with him to not agree with his father.

He made a decision.

Clearing his throat, he slapped his firm, almost determined look back onto his face, and nodded at Hiccup, making sure that his father wasn’t even in his view.

“I’m with Fishlegs, she’s innocent, everything that happened was because of Grimmel, not her.”

Danielle looked back at him with nothing but gratitude, mouthing a very small ‘thank you’ that he chose to ignore.

“WHAT?!” Spitelout yelled.

That yell probably could’ve put a Thunderdrum to shame.

The older Viking roughly grabbed his son by the shoulder, spinning him around to face him.

“You’re going to betray your own father?! All for the sake of this, this outcast?! I raised you better than this— You’re a Jorgenson for Gods sake! And we Jorgensons don’t pity people just because they look sorry!”

“Dad, stop! She, she’s innocent! And I know you know that! Why would Fishlegs and Hiccup lie about this?! Hiccup was literally there, he saw it! And Fishlegs knows a lot about this stuff, definitely more than you do!”

"She was in combat training, and she'll resume once Gothi says she is well enough to do so." Astrid stated firmly. She too, was glaring at Spitelout, and the daggers she shot his way didn't waver.

Fishlegs returned Danny's small smile before shifting his focus back to Snotlout, curious as to what he'd say.

As Hiccup waited for Snotlout to speak, to say he was nervous was an understatement. He knew he was putting his friend in a tough position, but Hiccup felt that Snotlout's words could help tip the scales.

His expression was also one of gratitude after hearing Snotlout's decision, though it quickly turned to frustration at Spitelout's outburst.

Hiccup moved from his place towards Snotlout and Spitelout, placing a hand on his cousin's shoulder. "Before we take this to an official vote, I did invite Gothi over to share her thoughts as well, based on the condition Danny returned to Berk in. She was able to see more of the affect it had."

Looking over at the elder Berkian, he gestured for her to come forward. "Once she's said her piece, there will be one more opportunity to share any thoughts before we vote."

He made his way back to his seat, looking over at Danny. He gave her a look that said, 'We're almost there, just hang on'.

Sitting back down next to Astrid, he nodded, ready to translate for Gothi.

[gl00mie]

06/17/24 1:37PM

Time flies. I’ve just been reading back on all my old posts now that I redid my Tumblr theme and it’s wild to think that once upon a time I was in here ranting as much as I did.

The funniest part is that I took turns on different platforms. If I wasn’t on here, I was on Instagram. If I wasn’t online, I was in my phone notes. If I wasn’t there, I was in my journals. Always writing. Always expressing my emotions.

There’s so much feeling behind every one of those entries regardless of where they were posted and it feels crazy to read them and experience them and get transported back to that time.

I’ve grown so much! Like literally so much since those days. I’ve got a better grip on a lot of things and I’m really proud of myself for that. Back then I didn’t even think I was going to make it out of it, look at me now, that’s wild.

That’s not to say I don’t have my days where I’m going through it but it’s definitely not as consistent or as intense as it used to be. I have more neutral times in between the ups and downs. It feels less manic-y, more natural. Now it’s more like a gentle back and forth. A gentle rocking between optimism and pessimism — a much more manageable range of emotions compared to the ones I’d experience before. I can confront it a lot better when it happens now. I’m more aware of my feelings changing but I don’t let myself spiral- I distract myself or have self talks or ignore it until it passes.

My experience was far more extreme in the past. I’d either be hopeful, or disappointed in this world. No real in between here. Back then the concept of suicide was more intertwined with these emotions. “Hopeful” me would feel euphoria whenever I felt I didn’t want to die. I would feel like a new leaf had turned and I was ready to “enjoy” life. I would have more energy, I would write a lot about my realizations, I would plan things out for my future, make time for friends, pick up hobbies.

But then 2-3 days later, it would fade away, and “disappointed” me would enter and so would the desire to want to die and it would weigh down on me like a ton of bricks. I wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t get out of bed, I’d have no energy for the new hobbies, for texting, for anything.

Then something would happen and I felt better again! A cycle, hence why it’s felt a bit manic-y before. That was hard to experience but now that I’ve experienced it, I’ve definitely grown better at adapting and I’m so grateful.

I will say I did have a long history of drinking from 2019-now that could’ve helped numb out a lot of the things I was going through. Drinking every day or every other day didn’t really give me time to dwell on things and I feel like that sort of helped (I’m not supporting alcoholism) . It also blurred all the days together, and I always felt happier while tipsy. The next morning though? Total depression. Don’t recommend.

But in general my perspectives have also changed and I think that’s also contributed to my growth and I’m proud of myself for working so hard to figure it out- now I’m in a place where it is a bit easier for me. I still deal with anxious(ocd) thoughts but those I just handle as they come, with more grace as well because I’ve already made it this far.

Anyways, yay to me for 10+ years on Tumblr.