#also it’s like my no 1 favourite artist (perhaps) so I don’t want to bring anyone just to bring them

[linguenuvolose]

Doing a classic and going to a concert by myself today. Thing is I’ve been exhausted all day but at least I left work early and then realised the artist doesn’t actually go on at 20 but at 22 so I’m a bit more chill and I’m hoping it’s gonna be fun. I’m gonna wear a dress I think (there are 7-8 degrees even though it’s November so it’s okay to be delusional that I’m not gonna freeze I think), maybe a little eyeliner, go there, have a beer, dance, listen to the music, have fun, go home. You know?

[allyaloe]

Pick a Starry Sky - Guidance Pick A Pic

Select a pic below for general guidance you need to hear right now! These are collective messages that will not resonate for everyone but hopefully you get some of the clarity you need.

Thank you so much for checking out my readings! ❤️

Group 1

I feel like this group is more focused on career opportunities. Taurus placements could be relevant here, especially risings. The name Katarina could resonate for some of you or the letters/initials JS. You may be gunning for a promotion or other progress within the company or firm you work for if you work in an office. Scorpio suns could also be relevant. For others, I see you taking a backseat from work as the responsibilities pile up. You may want a break, perhaps a union could be significant too. I’m seeing you stepping away from emails and computer and really resting and recuperating during the holiday season.

For those of you in relationships, you could be getting newly engaged and married. I’m seeing the combo of Taurus again along with Pisces. For the person this resonates for, this could be unconventional or perhaps your family does not approve of the relationship and is more conservative. Feel the fear and persevere. Your home is in each other, not in any bigoted beliefs or misconceptions. This person could be of a different religion or faith to you, maybe Buddhist when your family is Christian or Catholic. It’s like that episode of The Simpsons where they want Lisa to celebrate Christmas even though she’s Buddhist, I’m getting. This is true love, the romance of a lifetime. Don’t let anyone deter you from it. For some people, your family will become more accepting over time. I understand this is triggering, but I have to tell you this.

I’m also getting someone could be a Libra sun, moon, rising, letter H. They might want a reconciliation or trying to contact you through friends and Instagram DMs. For who this resonates for, do you really want them back in your life? It is ultimately up to you. Someone could be listening to Can You Feel the Love Tonight by Elton John. That’s really random, but it brings you comfort. Take what you need, let go of what you don’t!

Group 2

There is a powerful and creative energy around this group, Virgo and Leo, with Capricorn placements. I feel like many in this group are working on new projects with a focus on community. There are some very artistic people here, whether it’s music, painting, multimedia skills. Some of you have big families and love the holidays. The name Seth came through, that could be significant to someone here. Someone’s favourite animal and symbol is an elephant.

Someone is a brilliant mind but they may not believe in themselves enough; a significant number could be 888/222. Someone may be a Sagittarius rising with a critical streak towards self and others. I feel like there are some big hearts in this group as well. You may enjoy gift giving or wining and dining. I saw a brown classic teddy bear and a big red lobster in a restaurant so that could resonate for someone. A Christmas date, perhaps? I feel like you could dating someone very charming. I saw someone pouring and smirking at someone else over a glass of red wine. They were Black with a short haircut and wearing red, in particular a nice shirt or jacket. This is NSFW, so minors don’t interact: if you are planning on sexual relations with this person if this resonates, please wear protection, especially if you are not planning on conceiving anytime soon. I feel like a couple here is very passionate when it comes to that sort of thing.

Overall, I’m getting to enjoy the holiday season, no matter what you celebrate, and pouring your focus, passion and creativity into the things - and people! - you love. Don’t stress and worry so much and make sure to unwind while still planning your goals.

Group 3

I need this group to know if you have experienced any type of loss this year, it is not your fault and you are being loved and watched over. This may be a significant message for Libra and Aries placements. I am aware this is sensitive so please read the next half with caution.

For those who have lost family, you may already feel a strong presence in the home, perhaps in a favourite chair they used to frequent, or when a song plays out of nowhere that they used to love. That is a sign that they are thinking about you and are with always. Someone here with Scorpio placements needs to know that if you believe in past lives, they will be with you in your next one, in a different role. For example, if they were a parent to you in this lifetime, they were be your child or pet in the next one to come.

I really feel you’re being guided to grieve for as long as you need to. The name Henry could be significant to someone. Watching Ghibli or Disney with another loved one over the holiday period could bring closure or comfort. I mean no disrespect, so if this doesn’t resonate, feel free to pick another group.

This is another sensitive topic spirit wants me to speak on, so if this is too distressing, please feel free to keep scrolling or come back to this when you feel you are ready. For some people, they may have lost a friend or loved one to a hate crime or other bigoted attack. For some reason, Trans Day of Remembrance came to mind, so that may be significant for someone here. You could be transgender yourself and share the community with this friend. They had a bright, bubbly and engaging personality and smile, incredibly warm and caring. I am sending all my love and condolences, and want you to know there were so grateful for your friendship and comradery. That’s all I’m getting, but I needed to write this down, on the chance it reaches who it needs to. 

You need to know that even if life is really awful right now, that it will not be this way forever. You will recover and heal and people love you more than you know.

Group 4

For this group, I feel nothing but joy and optimism. You got over the worst and are now preparing for the best. I see a holiday dinner with your chosen family and really reaping the rewards for all your hard work. All your strength and prayers have paid off, particularly for a Virgo sun, Libra rising, Pisces moon.

You are manifesting your goals and speaking them into existence. For some of you, you could be confessing to a crush with Pisces placements and possibly a Sagittarius moon. I feel like you manifested this person into your life, and you want nothing more than to kiss them. They can be very flirtatious and mischievous but they have a kind heart. You may have manifested them with the water method or 369 method. Go for it!

For others, I see you cutting off an abusive and toxic ex and friends for good. I feel there was a third party, cheating and mixed signals about the state of the relationship. This is quite delicate, but for others, I see you having a friend who did not hesitate to betray you and date this person, and even become intimate with them behind your back. Seeing their true colours was the best thing for you, even if it was gut-wrenching. You deserve only the best calibre of people in your life, and “birds of a feather flock together.” They are nasty people and they can have each other. I see you may be finding yourself in friend groups where there is a LOT of toxicity, gossip and drama. Someone could be a Capricorn sun or moon as well. Someone watches Home Alone every year with blue makeup and nails, this could be a sign or confirmation.

This is coming up because it is all about a fresh start for some of you. Cleansing ego and bad habits within yourself and those of others will be ever so good for you, and you will benefit immensely from dropping this energy which has kept you stagnant for so long. I’m also hearing go paint your nails and treat yourself! You deserve it!

[bestialchorus]

“The Invisible String” (Falling for Donna Beneviento)- Chapter 1

Donna quietly gasps as your fingers lightly brush against each other. The head of the house immediately jerks her hand away in response, acting as if the minimal contact had burned her flesh. Despite her reaction, she doesn’t completely pull away, instead her hand freezes in midair as she mentally processes what to do next, her fingers ever so slightly shaking. You watch the scene from the corner of your eye, feigning ignorance as you pick up the brush you were originally reaching for. The last thing you wanted to do was embarrass her by drawing attention to her sudden jitteriness. You take no offence as you’re well aware of how her anxiety can manifest in different ways. You instead begin painting the face of one of Donna’s latest creations, giving it your own touch of life, avoiding her gaze.

To call the air between you both as heavy would be an understatement. For Donna was quieter than usual, if that’s even possible, while thoughts plague your mind. Thoughts filled with unspoken words that prick at your tongue, wishing to be set free. You sit in silence as all

that can be heard throughout the Beneviento home is an old grandfather clock ticking away down the hall. You couldn’t help but be grateful for the ancient clock as its presence always helped anchor you to reality, an issue that proved to be difficult whenever you were near the shrouded woman.

The tension you currently feel is nothing new.  For months it’s been bubbling beneath the surface, quietly peeking through now and again. You always felt it in the woman’s presence but chose to never vocalize it, naively hoping it would go away….but it never did.

For months you desperately tried to repress how the puppeteer made you feel, only to fail miserably. Every moment with Donna threatened to take your breath away, from the passing glances, accidental touches, and restless dreams you had no control over…but how you craved them. The longer you spent within the Beneviento home, the more you tried to sever any hope of the woman returning your affections. For to hope was to dream and dreams didn’t last long within reality’s grasp, not when you were a common painter and she, a woman with status and power.

For some reason, the tension in the air feels stronger than usual or perhaps it was simply all in your head. Perhaps you’re finally being punished for your naivete as your affections now threaten to flood your system. Your heart begins to pump faster as you imagine finally confessing to the woman in black. To think, a brush of fingers would be the final straw.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This all-started months ago when a shadowy member of house Beneviento had informed you had been summoned. You couldn’t help but feel anxiety bubble in the pit of your stomach as you automatically assumed the worst. All you knew about Mistress Beneviento were the rampant rumours that swirled around why she chose to conceal her identity at all costs; some say she was born with a monstrous appearance, others believe the flesh off her face had completely melted off in a horrific accident, while someone else had personally told you she was probably a cursed body with no head at all. You had never been one for rumours, but you felt nervous all the same, what could the head of a house want with a simple artist like yourself? Surely, she could afford a painter of well-known status if she wanted a portrait done.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The pathway towards House Beneviento would only fuel the stories of horror and enigma attached to the mysterious family. Isolated on a wintery cliff, overlooking a grand waterfall, you feel every inch of your being telling you to go back the closer you get to the eerie house. Despite the status of the Beneviento name, you see no sign of life surrounding it; no groundskeepers or servants to be spoken of.

The heavy wooden door closes behind you with a loud creak. Your confusion only grows as no help comes to announce your arrival, the space is seemingly empty. Despite the home’s quiet nature, you can’t help but find it surprisingly “cozy” as deep rich wood surrounds you. Lights create a warm glow throughout the space, contrasting with the harsh winter winds you hear rattle against the windows.  

A voice suddenly speaks from the top of the stairs, making you jump back. You jerk your head towards the sound as your gaze falls on none other than the mistress of the house, Donna Beneviento. Off first glance, she is as mysterious as all the rumours suggested, covered from head to toe in a long dark dress and veil, showing no skin except for her hands. Despite the image, you don’t find her as unnerving as you originally thought you would. Sure, there was definitely something about her that was almost otherworldly but so far, not in a threatening way.

“Welcome to my home, Lady Y/N.” She greets in a low and soft voice.

You hold a hand over your heart as you wait for it to relax, she’s truly given you a fright but you’re more concerned of how she was able to appear without making her presence known. Surely you would have heard her steps against the wood, right? You shake your head of the thought as you try answer as politely as you can, having no experience interacting with anyone from the four families.

“Of course, Mistress Beneviento. It’s no trouble at all, how ah…can I be of assistance?”

The woman takes a pause before answering, almost frozen in place. You feel a bit awkward under her “gaze”, wondering if she’s silently judging you from under her veil. Finally, she extends a hand towards the hallway to her right, no rush in her movement as she answers.

“Perhaps it is better if I showed you.”

You follow her upstairs, and she leads you to a room filled with porcelain dolls, each dressed to reflect a unique personality. Upon closer inspection, you take in how much love was put into them; from ornate detailing to masterful craftmanship. Out of every scenario you could have imagined you’d find within House Beneviento, this could never have been one of them.

Donna’s voice comes out almost in a whisper.

“I could use your help bringing more to life…I’m aware of the skill you possess.”

Most would find her phrasing a bit bizarre, but you picked up on the vulnerability in her voice, highlighting just how much these dolls clearly meant to her. You turn towards her and notice how she softly runs a thumb over her other hand, you assume it to be a self-soothing technique. The gesture makes you notice how nice her hands are in shape, delicate yet slender and her nails perfectly painted.

From that day on you became Donna Beneviento’s artistic assistant, helping her paint, build and touch-up her “children”.  Days turned into weeks and weeks into months as you worked side by side in her large workshop. You honestly enjoyed the work but quickly found yourself enjoying her presence even more.

The image of the eerie woman quickly sheds away the more you get to know her. Ultimately what lies under the veil is a timid woman who preferred not to draw attention to herself. From what you can pick up, it seems all Donna wants is to live comfortably in her home while pursuing her passions. She enjoys needlework and keeping countless journals. She has little issue working well within the night whenever she started a new project of any kind. She is a far cry from the stereotypes attached to her status and rumoured state. The head of House Beneviento was instead an artistic soul who was gentle in mannerisms as she was with you.

Donna would openly concern herself with your health, showing worry whenever you got little sleep, little did she know she was often the reason for it. Her gentle voice and stunning hands would plague your mind deep within the night, refusing to let you rest. You quickly changed the subject whenever she brought up the dark circles under your eyes, embarrassed they’re from imaging how her touch would feel against your skin.

The head of the house was also unsurprisingly a great listener. You first take notice of this once your favourite tea appears one day in her kitchen, remembering you had told her about it a few weeks ago. Soon after, desserts begin to appear in her fridge once she found out you had a sweet tooth. Eventually the woman would presence you with high quality brushes you always wished you could try out. Going forward you always tried to be mindful of discussing anything she could end up buying you, not wanting to take advantage of her generosity.

You remember the day you worked in silence as you processed the woman’s “gifts” as she never directly gave them to you but simply waited for you to notice their presence. Deep down you always wished they meant something more, but you quickly shook the thought away. You instead decided it must be because you’re working on her dolls. You’re just a worker to her and nothing more.

“Y/N, is everything okay?” She asks, breaking you from your thoughts.

“Hmm? Yes, I believe so. Why do you ask, Mistress? Are my strokes off?” You eye the small doll in your hand.

She lightly shakes her head, “no, your work is impeccable as always. It’s just..you’re normally more talkative.”

She almost sounds embarrassed when she answers, as if it was silly to point out the observation in the first place.

“Oh, right. I just thought I’d give you a break from my usual ramblings.”

You answer lightly while flashing her a smile, trying to hide the reason for your silence. A pregnant pause follows, and you wonder if you answered too casually, you quickly try to rectify your mistake by apologizing but her voice interrupts you.

���…..I like your voice.” She says quiet enough to be a whisper.

Your heart skips a beat at the confession and at first you feel you MUST have misheard her, that is until you notice her doing her usual self-soothing technique.

Your curiosity for what laid under Donna Beneviento’s veil would quickly disappear as you found yourself slowly falling for the soul of the woman beneath it all.

Months after that interaction, you find that very same woman slowly moving her shaky hand back to yours, gently covering it, making your heart stop.

[prolix-]

Top 5 of 2020

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (ish) favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

As usual, I am very late with this! But thanks to @dragontamerdame @fw00shy @ohdrarry @sitp-recs @teacup-tai and @bluebutter-art for the tags! I've written more fic this year than I have in years past. Perhaps it's because of the extra time I had in quarantine, but it also may be that I really feel like I've found friends within the Drarry fandom this year. My friends on Tumblr and Discord have been so supportive, and I can't thank them enough for their kudos/likes, comments and DMs. I hope that 2021 brings forth more fics!

Here are my top 5 fics from this year (chronologically):

1. "Scared, Potter?" (T, 120 words)

I wrote this for the Drarry Discord Drabble Challenge last January. It only took me about 20 minutes, I think? I entered the challenge on a whim so I didn't want to overthink things. But, overall, I really liked how it turned out!

2. Catch the Snitch (No, Catch My Heart) (E, 4.5k)

I wrote this for HP Kinkfest! The prompt was 'body worship', and I had such a vivid image of what I wanted the fic to look like before writing it. The bath, Draco worshiping Harry's thighs, the slow slide from something casual to serious. This is probably the fic I was the most proud of this year—I just really like how I wrote it. I tend to struggle with writing smut that's more than just smut, but I feel like I was truly able to convey Harry and Draco's love for one another here.

3. The Future in Your Eyes (T, ~1.1k)

This was written for @tasteofshapes's birthday! She's has an amazing set of Drarry headcanons, and I decided to weave them into the story so my 1k word count would feel a little more fleshed out. I got the idea from bixgirl1's 'Every Me and Every You', which heavily references magpie-fngrl's works. This was also my first 6th-year AU—a trope I hardly every read, mych less think to write, but it was nice to slip out of my comfort zone for a bit and write this as a gift.

4. Cooling Down (E, ~3k)

This was for @ladderofyears's prompt for this year's HP Taste of Smut fest! I wrote this in August, when it was close to 100° F (37ish° C) every day where I live, so it was very easy to dream about ice and cool drinks and relaxing under the sun. Also, every PWP I've written so far featured explicit penetrative sex and I wanted to see how far I could stretch a blowjob and some fingering ;).

5. Rotten Work (M, 792 words)

This was probably one of my favorite works of the year. It was a bit experimental (see: vague and overwrought metaphors about tea) but it's what I hope to create more of in 2021. What I've come to appreciate about some fics lately are the way writer's are able to perfectly capture a feeling/setting/emotion with a good metaphor, and this little fic gave me hope that I can do it too.

I'm sure everyone seeing this has been tagged before, but just in case: @bombera @thusspoketrish @tasteofshapes @kittycargo @primavera-cerezos @alxmeg (for your top 5 fics) @uphorie @dewitty1 (for your favorite fic recs/rec lists?) and anyone else who wants to participate! No pressure if you don't want to!

Happy New Year, everyone! I'm excited to see what 2021 will bring 🤩

[cheri-translates]

[CN] Kiro’s R&S - Stunning Young Idol (Eng Translation)

🍒This R&S (惊艳的少年偶像领军人物) was part of the Dream Heart Lake event which will unlikely come to EN🍒

Context: An article in a Japanese magazine

Cancelled Kiro R&S:

> top experimental subject (by another user)

> stunning young idol ♡

> youthhood

> heaven’s home for children (by another user)

[ Chapter 1 ] 

Our interview with Kiro went very pleasantly. No one who attended the interview disliked him. Even our photographer, who has always been averse to young male idols, was full of praise.

Come to think of it, it’s no easy feat for this child to maintain such a transparent and innocent heart in an industry where crooks mix with honest folks. Readers who know him are definitely aware that he debuted in France at the age of six.

Back then, he accepted an interview in Paris for a television program. His tiny frame was seated in the large sofa, his legs not long enough to touch the floor, and were dangling in the air.

Many people were afraid that we wouldn’t be able to find this precious video clip. It was only through the recording Agent Savin sent that we could obtain this young and tender moment of Kiro.

Although the video clip has already been kept by Kiro’s agency and not accessible to the public, I can disclose it slightly through this interview.

The person who interviewed Kiro was Eva Saidel, a French female singer who was tremendously popular for a time. The beautiful Eva had asked Kiro if he could perform a song for her. Young Kiro nodded, obedient and filled with a gentlemanly demeanour as he responded, “Yes ma’am.”

-

[ Chapter 2 ]

Kiro performed Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata”. It wasn’t surprising that he liked Beethoven - all pianists definitely like Beethoven.

Saidel asked if he knew how to play other instruments. He replied by saying he also knew the violin, but was afraid that his neck would become crooked if he kept practising it. Everyone at the scene started laughing. Ms Saidel laughed excessively as well, and it was evident that she liked this child very much.

At the time, Kiro was wearing an adorable checkered shirt and a small, adorable hat. He even wore an official-looking tie. His cute appearance was sure to attract the attention of many.

A large proportion of Europeans knew of a mixed-race child who spoke fluent French, and would occasionally appear on the television to sing for them, or play classical pieces. They also gradually knew that his name was “Kiro” - this was a stage name he called himself when he debuted.

Eva Saidel, who had once interviewed him, liked him very much. Kiro said that he would always remember Ms Saidel’s luxurious and spotlessly white mansion. He would sit on the sofa in the mansion and listen to the old albums played by Ms Saidel.

Saidel also hired an incredibly renowned celloist from France to teach Kiro how to play the cello. I think many people don't know about this period from his past.

As of today, Saidel is already in her sunset years, and still remains in contact with Kiro.

When Kiro held a concert in Paris last month, the first person he invited as a guest was Saidel. He also played the song “Träumerei” using the cello she gave him.

“Back then, it was as though I returned to my childhood years. Ms Saidel is very kind, like a mother. She is extremely giving towards me.”

-

[ Chapter 3 ]

After junior high school in France, Kiro listened to Ms Saidel’s advice and studied in a high school in California. The intelligent Ms Saidel predicted everything - Kiro’s talent would be discovered very quickly.

After one performance, he was signed on with the renowned Warner Music Company. At the time, he was in Year Three, but never forgot his homework, and even entered Berkeley University with stellar results.

By the time he was in Year 4 (in contrast to Japan, high school in America spans four years, while elementary school spans five), he had already formed a band and was touring in various places. Warner Music is an experienced company with incredible foresight, and they allowed Kiro to return to France to begin his music career.

The number of fans Kiro had in Europe was astounding. The women in Europe found his mixed-race looks and his breathtaking voice unforgettable. Their concerts drew large crowds, and it would sometimes be difficult to obtain tickets. 90% of the females were there for Kiro. Such attractive force was rarely seen.

Actually, when we were interviewing Kiro, we could also feel the charisma he exuded. It’s a kind of magic which renders people unable to resist.

With just a smile, he easily won our hearts.

We have no idea why that’s the case. Perhaps it’s because he’s Kiro. 

-

On the topic of whether he gleaned anything from his four years in Berkeley University, Kiro spoke without reservation and commented that he felt a lot of stress as there were many elite students. Hence, he had to fork out even more effort than usual to face each examination.

When he was in Year Three, Kiro continued touring with the band. He disclosed that he used to do his homework on the plane. When his band was touring the entirety of Europe, his band members would spend their spare time exploring the picturesque towns while Kiro would be holding his books and revising in the hotel.

When we asked why he was so hardworking, he replied by saying that he didn’t want his professors to stop liking him because of a drop in his grades.

In reality, every teacher who has met him like him very much. But because of this, Kiro always remained in fear. From beginning to end, he felt that the love and care from people was akin to smoke - surging at first, but dissipates gradually.

-

[ Chapter 4 ] 

Kiro told us that he had felt very scared when he made the sudden decision to return to China after graduating from university. After all, there were many excellent artistes in China, and he was afraid that he wouldn’t receive love from fans.

But reality is always unexpected. His act of returning to China to develop was extremely correct. It allowed people in Asia to notice his radiant light. The artiste from China that the media in Korea likes reporting on the most is Kiro. Every now and then, he would cause a sensation there, but they would be for issues that aren’t important.

In Japan, he truly stirred a sensation through “Three Kingdoms”, a movie he was in half a year ago. He played the role of Sun Ce.

“The History of the Three Kingdoms” enjoyed widespread popularity in Japan.

This movie adaptation of “Three Kingdoms” was incredibly well received in Japan, and everyone was enthusiastic about the contents of the movie.

Even now, Kiro can recall how life was like with the cast and crew. in order to play the role of Sun Ce, he had to dye his golden coloured hair black, wear headgear, don extremely thick armour, and he had to put on brown contact lenses. His headgear was very cumbersome and heavy. If it hadn’t fit, it would have squeezed and pressed on his head, turning him into a “Flat Kiro”.

In the process of filming “Three Kingdoms”, his favourite scenes were the ones where he was on a horse, because the horse could help share the weight of his armour, and the horse would always end up gasping for air. His most deeply etched memory was when he didn’t control the amount of pressure when riding the horse, causing it to toss him onto the ground. His chest was almost trampled by the horse, and he almost lost his life.

He rarely shares this incident with others. “It’d be so embarrassing if other people knew about it,” he laughed while telling this to us. Even now, I can still remember his brilliant smile. “The agent gave me a scolding after he found out about it. The director and assistant director also said that I had angered the horse, which is why it took revenge on me.”

Afterwards, the crew and cast from “Three Kingdoms” specially came to Japan to promote the movie. During that time, “Three Kingdoms” ranked number one in the box-office ratings. And this was even though Kiro didn’t have many scenes in the movie - he only made an appearance for ten minutes.

But because of this short opportunity, movie fans in Japan started to know of Kiro. Looks like our meeting with Kiro was also destined.

He said he could never forget the image of how numerous fans rushed to Haneda Airport to receive him when the crew and cast just arrived in Tokyo.

Kiro confessed that he had never thought that he’d receive such a large fanbase in a foreign country.

The enthusiasm of the fans in Japan caused him to feel extremely flattered. And his trip to Japan this time was no exception. There were even more fans who received him at the airport than before.

Precisely because of this astounding attractive force, Kiro became a superstar who could perform in the Tokyo Dome. 

-

[ Chapter 5 ]

At this point, I think everyone has some basic understanding of this adorable boy. He isn’t just a pretty face (even though there are many such artistes nowadays).

I highly recommend his latest single, “Ash”, which has a somewhat heavy metal rock music style. But he has recently started shifting towards pop music, and has clearly stated that he would spend even more time on music, and would temporarily reject a few invitations to variety shows or television dramas.

This means that for now, we might not see an invigorated Kiro on television screens. Fans will definitely grieve over this, but there’s no need to be too upset, because Kiro will bring a new album to us. During the interview, he revealed that the first song in his new album would be a heavy bomb!

The composer who was involved in producing this song also noted that this song could potentially alter what “popular music” is in Asia.

So, let’s look forward to the surprises this youth will bring us, and letting us know from this interview --

That we should never underestimate this youth.

The concert at the Tokyo Dome will commence a week later. Although tickets have already been swept up, there’s no need to feel discouraged. This magazine still has a lucky draw activity for fans. We will select three lucky readers and give out three front-row tickets to the concert at the Tokyo Dome. More information can be found on our official website.

-

Other cancelled R&S: here

[the-nehemoth]

Christmas with an AI

Looking at the clock on the ship’s computer – set to UTC as was standard for all spacecraft – revealed that it was officially December 1st, meaning it was Christmas time. Assuming the world still celebrated it anyway. Surely, they did, right? A holiday that big wouldn’t fade completely even after however long the Doom Slayer had been trapped in Hell for.

Not even counting that though, when was the last time he’d celebrated it? … A long time ago for sure; existing solely for the purpose of slaying demons didn’t exactly leave one with much time to worry about observing holidays even if he’d had someone to celebrate with. He could now though unless something happened between now and then. Which was entirely possible but not likely; another demon invasion was bound to happen eventually but the chances of it happening in that short of a window weren’t great. So for the first time in ages, he was going to celebrate Christmas.

He jerked forward in his chair to tap the screen and pull up the digital keyboard. ‘Hey VEGA do you think you could print some Xmas decorations?’ he typed.

“Of course, I’ll get right on that,” VEGA replied followed a few seconds later by the distant sound of the 3D printer starting up. “Would you like the tree pre-decorated or would you like to do that yourself? And would you like enough lights and tinsel for the whole ship or just a few rooms?”

‘I’ll decorate the tree myself. As for decorating every room or just a few, whatever you’d prefer if you have a preference.’ VEGA resided in the ship too even if it wasn’t the same way the Doom Slayer did and thus he should have a say in the decorating too.

“Will do.”

“Ty <3’

 -

It took several hours for everything to be printed during which they hung out and chatted mostly about Christmas and all the ways it had changed from what little the Doom Slayer recalled of it. Naturally it had become less and less of a religious holiday over the years. The idea of Santa Claus had changed in various ways, especially after the North Pole was destroyed by global warming. But the general concepts of holiday cheer and exchanging gifts remained even if a large part of that had to do with corporations capitalizing on it and pushing it for profit every year.

Once everything was printed and ready to go, the Doom Slayer began decorating, taking his time because there was no reason to rush. VEGA had printed out enough to decorate the whole ship. He even had pointers and requests for how and where some lights and tinsel should be hung all of which the Doom Slayer listened to of course. And while he worked, VEGA played Christmas music over the intercom, both old stuff that was recognizable and newer stuff that for the most part oddly still had that distinct Christmas music vibe to it.

Also, while he worked he contemplated the gift giving side of the holiday. Missi would be easy, a large bag of her favourite treats would do nicely. VEGA on the other hand was much harder. What was one supposed to get an AI for a gift? Especially when said AI had an advanced 3D printer that could make basically anything he wanted as long as he had the materials and power for it? He liked romance novels and romcom movies but those he could and did find on the internet much easier than the Doom Slayer ever could. So… what could the Doom Slayer get him that he couldn’t possibly get for himself?

Despite how long decorating and then at VEGA’s insistence napping and having breakfast gave him to come up with an answer to that question, he still had none. So, it was time to resort to good old fashioned just asking.

‘What would you like for Xmas?’ he typed into the computer in his office.

A second or two of silence passed before VEGA answered, not long by human standards but definitely longer than usual for him. “No one’s ever asked me that before.” Not surprising but still rather sad. “I don’t really need anything. I appreciate the offer though.”

‘I didn’t ask what you needed, I asked what you want?’

“Well… I already have everything I want. What more could I ask for?”

The Doom Slayer shrugged because he didn’t know either. ‘Think about it?’ There was still plenty of time, not much but enough hopefully.

“Will do. … Oh actually, maybe there is something you could get me. You know that painting you had commissioned of yourself and Daisy hanging in your office? Do you think that perhaps you could get more paintings to hang up around the ship for decoration? I could just commission it myself now that I’ve thought about it but I’m not sure what I would ask for.”

‘I can do that.’ The hardest part about that would be finding a good artist who could get a piece done in time for Christmas. Preferably a few artists so he could have several artworks to hang up around the ship for VEGA. It should be doable though.

“Thank you. Now it’s my turn. What would you like for Christmas?”

The easy answer would be another gun and/or some more ammo for the BFG and Unmaykr because of how hard it was to come by and how many resources had to go into making it. But VEGA gave him such things regularly without him ever even needing to ask for it. So instead he should ask for something special, perhaps something not related to killing demons at all. What though? … ‘An electric guitar perhaps?’ He used to play electric guitar fairly frequently, though that’s the only thing he remembered about it now but perhaps it’d be nice to start it up again. ‘Or a friend for Missi?’ There was plenty of room on the ship for multiple animals. ‘Or anything else you might think I’d like. Surprise me.’

“Noted.” VEGA’s voice was accompanied by a large emoji heart flashing onto the computer screen, bringing a smile to the Doom Slayer’s face.

‘<3!’

[wherevermyway]

we’re professional. (1/??) // minbin // 18+

❄ part of yuki’s favourites! ❄

we’re professional. chapter one: sophisticated series navigation: [desktop] [mobile]

pairing: lee minho x seo changbin rating: explicit! 18+ warnings/tags: slow burn, angst, eventual sexual content, age difference, art student changbin, artist minho, fake dating AU. word count: 4,807 also on AO3

originally posted: 17 december 2020

series summary: Lee Minho, or Minho: The Heartless, is a famous artist, which comes with an annoying entourage of paparazzi that are very invested in his life.

Two years ago, a piece at UBC's annual student's exhibit catches Minho's eye: "arranged: in black", a series of greyscale paintings crafted by sophomore Seo Changbin. Minho talks with Changbin at length for hours, then offers to help him financially if they pretend to date for a while, so Minho can please the press. Naturally, a walking exhibit of the "starving artist" stereotype, Changbin accepts the offer wholeheartedly.

There are no strings attached: Changbin can leave at any time. Hell, Minho doesn't even ask him for sex in exchange for the money, just companionship and occasional skinship. Changbin knows that Minho is emotionally damaged from several bad relationships in the past, so to have someone pay him just for providing them company is nice. Sure, he could go off and date someone and work on settling down, but he just doesn't want to. Minho is too interesting, too valuable.

Eventually, something's gotta give. When it does, it could potentially damage their relationship and careers forever.

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction! any reference to persons in this work of fiction are purely coincidental. the characters referenced from Stray Kids are  interpretations loosely based on their personalities in the group and do  not represent the real people behind the personas. if this, or any of  the content included in the warnings above make you uncomfortable,  please stop reading now.

chapter summary: Minho brings up an interesting proposal while celebrating the second year of his professional arrangement with Changbin.

“I can’t accept this.” The young, blue-haired man at the opposite side of the table of a middle-aged brunette pushes an open envelope back across the table. “It’s too much. You’ve already given me so much this month, I couldn’t possibly accept anymore.”

“Changbin,” the brunette smirks, bringing the crystal glass of wine up to his mouth. “Please, don’t insult me. I’m not offering this just off the cuff. Besides, it’s not just cash that’s in there.”

The bluenette frowns, bringing his gin and tonic to his mouth, taking a careful, prescribed sip as he watches the older man cautiously. He lets the gin burn its way down his throat before he sighs. “It’s sex, then. That’s what you want, Minho?”

“No.” Minho’s expression quickly turns serious and slightly sour. “Not at all. I told you when we first started this arrangement that this wouldn’t turn sexual.”

“Right.” Changbin cocks his eyebrows up in response, his tone somewhat sarcastic. He brings the glass up again, tilting it and his head backwards, letting the ice slink down and hit him in the nose as he finishes off his drink. He sets the glass down on to the table, ice settling with a soft clink, before he rolls his eyes up and frowns. “What’s all this for, then?” The young man rolls his wrist around, bringing his chin down to his right hand. “You’ve really gone all out for this date.”

Minho softly smiles, then mimics Changbin, mirroring him in the way that he places his head in his left palm. “It’s been two years, officially.” He makes eye contact with a server somewhere off in the distance, and nods upward.

“Two years, eh?” Changbin tuts. “Surprising that neither of us have gotten sick of each other, nor found other people to spend time with.” He takes in a quick breath, then flashes his teeth with a lazy smirk. “Sure you’re not getting serious with me yet?”

The older man opens his mouth to speak, but quickly recedes his statement as a lanky waiter confidently struts over to the table. “Hyunjin, could you please bring me the bottle of Clos D’Ambonnay I have in the back?”

“Of course, Mr. Lee,” the blond waiter nods his head once with a polite smile before he makes his way back to whence he came.

Changbin squinted, knitting his brows together as he shook his head once. “You own this restaurant, too, don’t you?”

“Mmm, I wouldn’t necessarily say own it, no.” Minho hums, bringing his index finger in between his teeth as he ponders. “It’s a partnership with an old colleague of mine, Chan; you met him at the Vivace Vancouver exhibit over the spring. He had that dreadful red hair, the one where you said he looked like he got electrocuted and then spray painted by an angry ex-lover.”

The younger man’s eyes go wide as he tries to hold back his laughter. “Oh my god,” he sighs, “I remember that. How do you forget something so audacious, is that even possible?” He regains his composure and rests upright against the back of the chair. “In my defence, though, I was two glasses of Chianti in when I said that. Please tell me that his hair isn’t that horrible shade anymore. It was so bad.”

Minho smiles widely and softly shakes his head. “No, no, god, no. I met with him the day after and told him that he needed to go back to see my stylist immediately and never go back to the hellspawn that butchered his hair.”

“Apologies for the interruption, Mr. Lee,” the lanky waiter from before returned, presenting a black bottle before he placed it on top of the table. “As requested.” He placed well-crafted champagne flutes in front of both Minho and Changbin.

“Hyunjin,” Minho tutted as the waiter grabbed the bottle, “I’ve told you several times that just ‘Minho’ is fine.”

The blond waiter half-smiled as he wrapped a hand towel around the cork, deftly wiggling it off with a muffled pop. “And I will tell you each time,” he poured some of the champagne into Changbin’s glass first, “you will always be Mr. Lee when I’m at work.”

“You’re too stiff,” the brunette gently pushed his glass towards the blond as he set Changbin’s glass down. “I know that Chan — sorry, Mr. Bang — is strict with all of you, to maintain a pristine image,” Hyunjin picks up Minho’s glass and bites his lip as if he’s holding back commentary, “but you’re still in your prime. Bend the rules a little while you can get away with it.”

Changbin watches the way Minho’s eyes flutter around from the glass to Hyunjin, catching himself getting caught up in the way the light sparkles against his brown eyes, the way his eyelashes paint shadows on his irises. He doesn’t mean for every detail to be etched into his memory, but there was always something about remembering the details of Minho’s soft face that warmed him. If it were any other world, any other person, perhaps he would be catching feelings.

This arrangement, however, was strictly professional. There was no room for feelings.

Hyunjin sets the bottle back down onto the table. “Sure thing, Minho,” he sarcastically scoffs as he wiggles his shoulders in some sort of strange dance of mockery. “Would you like an ice bucket to keep this chilled?”

Minho shrugs, seemingly indifferent, but his expression turns a bit more serious. “I suppose. Don’t worry about us, though. Tend to the other customers first — we’ll be here for a while longer. A bit of champagne slowly warming won’t be the end of the world.”

“You got it, Mr. Lee,” Hyunjin says, tipping his index and middle fingers off of his forehead in some sort of joking salute before he spins on his heel and walks off to another table.

Minho grabs his champagne flute and flashes his teeth at Changbin. “Sorry about that, love, I’ve just gotta give the staff here trouble every now and again.”

Changbin blushes as he picks up his champagne flute, bringing it close to Minho’s. “Don’t apologize.” He tries to restrain his embarrassment, still mentally replaying the way that Minho called him ‘love’, desperately trying to get the sound to imprint upon his memory. “Anyway,” he lifts his head from his palm and stares directly into the brunette’s eyes. “Two years? I can’t believe it’s been this long since I met you.”

“Your ‘arranged: in black’ series captured me, Changbin, what can I say?” The older man tilts his head to the side, tugging his lips into a smile. “I still think about it every day.”

“It’s hard to avoid thinking about it when all four pieces are hanging behind your bed, wouldn’t you say?”

“Suppose that’s fair,” Minho bites his bottom lip as he avoids laughing. “But, wow, two years. Two very eventful years. To think, you were a scraggly sophomore two years ago when I met you. You really kind of fit the ‘starving artist’ stereotype back then, hmm?”

Changbin’s eyes subconsciously darted down to the maroon tablecloth. He avoided thinking about his life before he met Minho, since it wasn’t something he was overly fond of. Sleeping for a couple of hours a night after a late dishwashing shift at the restaurant, waking up before dawn to run to his part-time barista job, then somehow getting to class just in time to nearly doze off mid-project sketch, all to repeat it again the next day. The chronic sleep deprivation painted him in an ashy grey, and he perpetually smelled of instant ramen and coffee.

No. That was in the past.

He shuddered at the thought of his past life. It was stressful, and he was thankful that Minho came along and offered him some kindness. Most art students either came from wealthy families, or lived in the same shoes that Changbin did. The ones that weren’t from wealthy lineage would probably stay under the poverty line for the rest of their lives, but at least they would be happy creating things that came from the depths of their soul.

For some, it was worth the sacrifice. He knew what he was getting into when he was accepted into the visual arts programme at the University of British Columbia, and he was prepared for the pain and agony it would cause him for the small chance he could make it big while doing something he loved.

“Binnie, love?” Minho’s soft voice pulled Changbin from his memory. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Changbin nodded his head a couple of times, almost as if he was willing himself to be calm. “Sorry, I just kinda got distracted. Thought about when we first met and kinda got transported back in time.” It wasn’t entirely a lie, but it definitely was far from the truth.

The older man softly smiled and nudged his champagne flute forward. “Well, here’s to two years of whatever the hell this is. Here’s to however long we have left and to wherever we may go next.”

Changbin smiled, turning his chin slightly inward as he tapped his flute against Minho’s. “I like that. To whatever the hell is next.”

“‘Whatever the hell is next’,” Minho smiled as he brought the flute up to his lips. “That’s a good one.”

They didn’t get to the bottom of the bottle of champagne until about a half-hour past closing. It had been two years of the same company every Tuesday and Thursday night, and usually most Fridays and Saturdays, yet they still found new things to talk about each time they met. “You’re still so foolishly young and in university,” Minho would scold Changbin over the phone, “so go out and get hammered at a stupid house party and I’ll come by tomorrow and help nurse you out of your hangover.” Minho was really a sweetheart, even if he didn’t want to date and was, to quote Minho himself, ‘emotionally unavailable’.

It had been two years, and Changbin still didn’t fully understand why people were so pressed on calling Minho heartless.

“And so,” Changbin took a sip of water from his glass, setting it down a bit roughly, some of the water sloshing around and splashing on to the table, “I had to sketch a live model, right? Turns out Seungmin makes a horrible model at two in the morning, but we thought the idea was brilliant.”

Minho loudly cackles, throwing his head back and clapping his hands once in front of his face. “You had just gotten done downing several shots at the bar. What made either of you think that sketching in charcoal was a good idea?”

The younger man folds over, resting his head in his palms as he tries not to collapse on to the floor in laughter. “The project was due on Monday! And, hey, we got it done, and I somehow got a decent grade in the end.”

“Ah,” Minho leans back into his chair as he looks up to the wall to his left, smiling as he wipes a tear from his eye. “I’d love to scold you for that, but the truth is, I can’t. I did the same things in uni ten years ago.”

Changbin rests his chin against the back of his hand, languidly smiling as he watches Minho get lost in memories past. These moments that they shared, where they were just so plainly human — not a famous artist, not a struggling art student, but simply Minho and Changbin — these were why Changbin never sought out another partner. It was unconventional to most people, especially those his age, to have such a hands-off relationship, but it just worked for them. Sometimes, the things that came off the most discordant could somehow still find a way to harmonize, and that was what they did.

“You know, you didn’t totally open the envelope,” Minho points at the middle of the table with an open hand, as if he were guiding Changbin back to the thick paper.

Changbin shrugged his shoulders and bashfully looked away for a moment before staring Minho down. “Come on, Min,” he lowers his voice a bit, “I don’t need to know how much you’re giving me, at least not now.”

Minho dismissively waves his hand before nudging the envelope back to Changbin. “It’s not just money, love, I promise. Nothing too domestic, either. Just,” he pauses, bringing a finger to his chin as he looks up at the ceiling, “I suppose it’s partially a token of my appreciation? Yeah, that sounds right. A way to tell you I’m thankful you’ve stuck around for so long, even with all of the weird shit we’ve gone through. There’s more to it than that, but that sounds nice, doesn’t it?”

“I dunno, you’re making this feel like a real relationship,” the bluenette sarcastically mumbles a bit as he gingerly picks up the envelope, squinting a bit at Minho. He opens it, then pulls out a few plastic-like polymer bills: some green, some red. His expression quickly shifts to confusion when he comes across papery stationary, the textural difference causing a nerve to spark up in his arm. Stationary. A letter? He pulls the light grey paper out of the envelope, eyeing Minho as he opens it. “Really? Getting awfully boyfriend-like on me, Min.”

“Oh, come on, just read it,” the older man tuts, rifling through the inside pocket of his suit jacket. “I promise, it’s not as sappy as it looks.”

Changbin plucks his glasses from the table, wiggling the temples to fit just behind his ears, then clears his throat. He tries to swallow down the smirk on his face as he mocks Minho’s intonation and speech. “My loveliest Changbin,” a laugh creeps up from his stomach as he reads on. “Every single day, I wake up and I see your ‘arranged: in black’ pieces, intricately framed behind my bed, and I’m taken aback by the fact that your mind knows no bounds when it comes to expressing creativity.” The younger man peers over the sheet again, studying the somewhat bored, slightly flustered expression on the elder’s face.

“So I had a couple of glasses of wine while writing, I got a bit sentimental.” Minho flutters his lips as he rolls his eyes and flicks his wrist. “At least it’s not as bad as last year’s letter.”

Changbin smiled, but quickly brought the paper in front of his face to hide the subtle reddish tint growing on his face. “I usually don’t like keeping my own work, as you know,” he continued to read off of the letter, still avoiding eye contact with Minho, “but the graphite portrait of you, asleep on my bed from your last bout of finals — it holds a special spot in my heart. I love seeing it every time I enter my closet. It’s like there are little reminders of you scattered across my apartment, and across my heart.”

Oh.

There was a warmth that blossomed and grew in Changbin’s abdomen. The warmth reminded him of ivy hanging off of old buildings, quickly encompassing and embracing everything within its reach. It was a strange sensation, and it gave him pause before he continued reading the note.

Perhaps this was more than sentimental.

Perhaps Changbin was reading too far into things again.

“Changbin?” Minho’s voice pulled the bluenette from the cavern of thoughts he had recessed himself into. “Where did you go?” His tone was firm, distracting Changbin from the fact that Minho had interlaced his fingers between the younger man’s left hand.

This was something they always did. Minho was always touchy-feely, even if it didn’t progress past shirtless embraces as they slept next to each other, or walking hand-in-hand. The way the pads of Minho’s fingertips softly caressed the back of his hand, though, made things seem different. Special.

“Your closet.” Realizing he had spent too much time losing himself in between the grooves of Minho’s fingerprints, Changbin sputtered out some words to barely form a coherent thought. “You reminded me that I still have one of your Burberry hoodies lost somewhere in my apartment.”

Minho furrowed his brows for a moment, trying not to get caught up on how distant Changbin’s response was. “The oversized black one? You know I don’t mind if you keep it, Bin.”

“It was nearly a thousand dollars, Minho.”

The older man scoffs and rolls his eyes a bit, bringing his left hand up to the table, a small brown box of sorts covered up by his palm. “Well,” the brunette squeezed Changbin’s hand a bit, causing them to make eye contact, “when you’re done reading that letter, I’ll be sure to avoid telling you how much your ‘anniversary’ gift is.” Minho winked as he ended his sentence, right when Changbin was thinking about saying something in protest.

“Minho,” Changbin whines, drooping his shoulders a bit as he frowns.

“Changbin,” Minho teases a bit as he mockingly whines in response. “Trust me, it’s not just me spending money aimlessly. It’ll tie into the idea I have in that letter. You know, really make some of those tabloids make us look nice and get off our backs for a while.”

The younger man bit his tongue and scanned his eyes down the letter, trying to find the last spot he had read over. Across my apartment , reading the words caused his hands to sweat, across my heart, made his stomach clench. Domestic and soft, exactly what they were, but also, somehow exactly what they were not. He continued reading off the letter, but his memories started creeping up during the empty gaps between sentences.

There was the callous bite to Minho’s tone during their first real meet-up. “Our arrangement is for mutual gains: you’ll be able to live comfortably, and I’ll get the press off of my back. You won’t be a starving artist, and I’ll no longer be ‘Minho, the Heartless’. We’re professional boyfriends: all of the benefits, none of the downsides, like feelings.” His bony hands felt cold, like ice, when they shook hands to confirm their arrangement. Changbin had felt in over his head then, but he knew he didn’t have anywhere else to turn.

In contrast, there was the night that Changbin had recently stayed over at the end of October. They had gotten back shortly after one in the morning after celebrating Minho’s thirty-first birthday with a handful of his friends and several well-renowned professional artists and gallery owners. Sure, Changbin had been Minho’s quote-unquote “boyfriend” for the night, but it benefitted his art career a bit, just to branch out and connect. None of that had mattered, though, because the best part was when they had gotten half-undressed and passed out on Minho’s duvet together, giggling about how some of the attendees thought ‘artist’s birthday’ meant ‘licence to dress as insanely as humanly possible’. The one-on-one time was always what Changbin looked forward to the most: that soft, personal connection with another person on such a raw, human level.

That was the weekend he borrowed Minho’s black, oversized Burberry sweater to wear home. Changbin lied earlier. He knew exactly where it was: curled up next to his wall in his bed. The soft scent of bergamot and mandarin of the Dior Sauvage that Minho wore on his wrists and in the divots of his clavicles had slowly started to fade into hints of vanilla and sandalwood. While he knew that his arrangement with Minho wouldn’t last forever, he wanted to live in the moments that made him feel like he was in a true, caring relationship. He had a friend in Minho, he truly did. It would probably hurt like hell when they eventually decided to move on from their agreement.

We're professional. Changbin would remind himself every night as he curled up into Minho’s sweater, remembering the way Minho’s arms felt warm on his back and on his shoulders, how soft his manicured fingers were when they fit perfectly in between Changbin’s. We are not real boyfriends. The sweater would catch his inevitable tears as he lost himself in the confusing haze they had painted themselves under. Business dynamic. This was the price he would pay to get into the elusive elitist art world. Strictly professional.

Even if it cost him his sanity.

“Did I just read that correctly?” Changbin’s voice was alarmed, and he frantically re-read the words on the paper before darting his eyes around nervously. Minho smirked as Changbin leaned over the table, dropping his voice to a just-audible whisper. “You want to do what to get the press’ attention?”

Minho grabbed the ashy brown jewellery box from the table, letting go of Changbin’s left hand. He opened the box and his expression flattened. “Exactly what the paper says, Bin.” Inside the desaturated box sat a contrastingly bright, rose gold band.

It was a ring embedded with actual fucking diamonds.

To anyone else, this would be serious. ‘Call your parents, scream at your best friend, even at two in the morning’ levels of seriousness. However, Changbin and Minho were not ‘anyone else’. They were in their own strange, unique bubble where the rules of modern society did not apply to them.

“How about we graduate from professional boyfriends to professional fiancés?”

Like most Sunday mornings nowadays, Changbin woke up to the scent of freshly-brewed coffee. Minho may have travelled to fancy galleries across the world and tried extravagant blends of coffee during his tenure, but he would always fall back on Starbucks’ blonde roast for his morning routines. “Why bother going through all of the effort of getting my hands on something overly fancy from Europe? I have yet to be let down by this one, and it’s been over ten years since I started drinking it. Why stop now?”

The logic made sense, really, and the coffee wasn’t bad.

“The Vancouver Sun’s already got an article out,” Minho excitedly muttered under his breath, setting a ceramic mug down on the nightstand closest to Changbin. He stared at his phone as he made his way back around the bed, causing the mattress to sink as he sat down. “So many people are speculating, like it even matters. If they had really been following me these past two years, they’d know better.”

It was too early for this. Minho was always business as soon as he woke up: endearing in theory, terribly annoying in practice.

Changbin rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands as he rolled onto his back, sleepily glaring up at Minho. “You’re loud.”

“And you’re hungover,” the brunette quipped, not looking away from his phone as he smiled at himself. “Drink your water and your coffee, love, you’ll feel better.”

“Whatever,” Changbin grumbled under his breath as he sat up, reaching over to the nightstand. There was a sheen on his left hand that caused him to momentarily lose his breath. Shit. He drew his hand into his face to stare at the ring he had conveniently forgotten about overnight. It felt like nothing before he noticed it, but now that he was staring at it, it felt like the ring was going to cut off the circulation to his finger. It felt like a boa constrictor was tightening around him, making it hard to breathe.

Changbin had every intention to pull himself away from the suffocation of the ring. Instead, he found himself trying to count each small diamond wedged between the two layers of rose gold. A sudden dip right behind him and an arm around his waist literally pulled him from his thoughts. “Min!”

“It’s pretty,” Minho gently grabbed Changbin’s hand, tucking his chin into the younger man’s shoulder. “I didn’t know if you’d like rose gold, but I know you hate gold, and silver’s too simple for you. For a fake engagement ring, seems pretty convincing, hmm?”

As much as he doesn’t want to, Changbin sinks into Minho’s embrace. Blame it on the fatigue, he figured, but found himself surprised that the older man didn’t pull away. For the shortest of moments, it almost feels like they’re meant to fit together like this. “It’s expensive,” the brunette whispers, “to no one’s surprise, so please don’t lose it.”

The younger man squints in disapproval. “How much was it?”

“It’s impolite to ask a fiancé something like that, you know,” Minho huffs a bit dramatically as he feigns irritation.

Changbin, however, seems plenty irritated for the both of them. He rolls around, mere centimetres away from Minho’s face as he frowns up at the older man. “It’s a good thing this is all fake, then, right? How much was it?”

“Bin,” the brunette’s expression falters as he cocks his head to the side. “It’s not important, I don’t understand why you’re so—”

Changbin desperately wants to stay this close to Minho, to drown in his embrace and the warmth of his touch. Professional. Fake boyfriends, fake fiancés. “It’s just for show, I know. Since it’s fake, though, you shouldn’t have a problem telling me, right?” There’s a layer of hurt in his voice that he knows he can’t hide. He dips his chin into his chest and closes his eyes, desperate to make this all just stop and go away. Something about this, though, just felt too real, too close to an actual relationship.

What the fuck were they doing? All of this had to cross some sort of unspoken relationship rule somewhere, right? The blurred lines between what was real and what was fake in their arrangement was causing Changbin's head to spin.

Minho doesn’t seem sure about how to handle the situation. The moments pass by in silence until the older man takes in a deep breath, then he wiggles his index finger under Changbin’s chin, tilting his face upwards. “Hey,” he quietly demands, “look at me, Bin.”

So, the bluenette does as requested. He stares into Minho’s eyes and instantly softens.

“If it bothers you that much, I can go out and get something simpler.” Minho’s voice quivers a bit, almost like he feels how uncomfortable Changbin is. “I just… I don’t know what I was thinking when I went out and I got this one. I looked around with the agent for over an hour, and then that one just caught my eye, just as things were looking hopeless.”

Suddenly, Changbin’s hand is in Minho’s again, and the older man stares at the band with purpose, rotating the younger man’s hand around freely. “I guess I put in a bit too much of a personal flair on this. I really prioritized what I figured you’d like before the importance of keeping up the façade that this is all fake.”

They both stare at the ring for a moment, then look at one another. Neither of them moved, neither of them breathed as they stared at each other with shared panic, concern, worry. There was an unfamiliar emotion that lingered at the back of their gaze, but it was hard to place. Changbin hadn’t felt anything like this before. He was equal parts nervous, nauseated, and lost.

If this were like the romantic comedies that Changbin and Seungmin would watch while hungover, this would be the part where Minho would roll on top of him, say something like “fuck the rules, I just want you”. They would cry and kiss and roll around the sheets together. There would be a swell of uplifting orchestral music in the background, indicating that fate had given its blessing on the couple.

This wasn’t a movie, though. This was fucking reality, and there was nothing but tension in the air and a yearning in the bottom of Changbin’s stomach. Their situation was complex and convoluted and it was going to end in heartbreak for him, and only him. Really, he had no one to blame but himself.

Our arrangement is for mutual gains. Minho’s voice was so loud.

We’re professional boyfriends. It was sour.

All of the benefits, none of the downsides, like feelings. It hurt as it echoed in Changbin’s head, but Minho’s voice was all he wanted to hear.

Feelings.

Feelings?

That’s when it hit Changbin: he was falling for Minho — Minho, the (supposedly, yet to be proven) Heartless — and he couldn’t stop himself, no matter how stupid he knew it was. Perhaps the most terrifying part of this, though, wasn’t the fact that Minho didn’t feel the same way.

No, the most terrifying thing was that Changbin couldn’t tell if Minho was actually interested in him or not. Minho always felt strongly one way or another. For them to sit here, struck dumb in silence, was unnerving. The silence meant uncertainty.

It meant possibility.

[heloisedaphnebrightmore]

Supernatural finale - Let’s carry on [My opinion]

First of all, to everyone who is harassing the actors, the directors, the screenwriters or anyone who has been working on the series, shame on all of you. How dare you behave so disrespectfully, when you wouldn’t even be able to do half of what they have done?! You should be ashamed!

After my ranting, let’s carry on.

This post is containing all my emotions and my opinion on the last episode of a series that I literally grew up with and some of my history with the show. 

I started watching the series back in 2006, when I was still living in Hungary. I just turned 13 when the first episode aired with Hungarian dubbing. It was back in the stone-age or at least it feels like it. 

At that time I was a season behind since we always had to wait for the dubbing to come out or for the licenses to get approved and it was a struggle really. But then came online screening where I could finally watch the series, “kind of” up to date. God, I felt lucky. 

I remember back in the day when the first season finished, I was watching it with my mother and the cliff-hanger made me so upset. They left me waiting a whole year without knowing what would happen. And in Hungary it was over a year, because they got the licences later or the dubbing took longer, I have no idea, but it was not a pleasant feeling. 

Now that the series finished, I feel a bit empty. I am sitting here, typing down whatever I feel like, after sobbing my eyes out, but I just can’t shake the feeling that something is missing. From now on I will not be waiting impatiently for the next episode, I will not be crying for the Winchesters, I will not be falling in love with some of the so called “villains”, I will not be studying each and every word and scenario that we have seen with a magnifier just to try predicting some of things as if I was Sherlock Holmes myself. 

It’s definitely a strange feeling, but here we are, so let’s get started. 

Below the cut, you can find my opinion. I didn’t want to spoil the ending for anyone, therefore it’s best to keep things hidden. 

Enjoy!

At the very beginning of the finale having no “Carry on” playing, did make me feel pretty weird, since obviously that’s what I expected, that’s what I am used to when it comes to last episodes, but we did get what we wanted, so I can’t complain.  

With a free Winchester brothers, just having this pie scene and typical supernatural humour, it just felt so idilic and relaxed. It was both very much like Supernatural, but also very unlike it. 

(Did I predict Sam smashing the pie into Dean’s face? I called it right here on tumblr. I feel like a genius. - Just ignore me, it was an obvious move, obviously.)

I was just laughing at the humour, the easiness of the episode, it was nice to see them just being, just existing like before the whole world had gone mad. But then again, we are talking about Supernatural and it was unlike the show, because they have not given us one episode where things were just relaxing, or having barely any worries at all. It was like a warning, the quite before the storm, when you are waiting for something bad to happen. 

Well, did we get that something bad alright?! I had a slight inkling on what would happen and after Dean’s death scene, I don’t really know if I wish it didn’t happen or I’m okay with it. I feel very conflicted. I was ugly crying for the whole scene. 

I don’t know if it’s just me or it was a general feeling, but was it the longest death scenes I have ever seen? I mean it literally felt like they kept digging into me. I understand, they needed to say their parts, but I don’t appreciate sobbing for minutes straight so “thank you” for doing that to me.

On the other hand, perhaps an unpopular opinion, but for me the death scene was actually a bit long. I understand why and it was a nice moment that was kind of a “must”, where things had to be said, but for me personally it was a tad bit dragged out. I still sobbed through it, so I can’t deny that it was a very emotional moment, especially when it’s my favourite character they are killing, but tad long.

Also, I did expect Dean to go out with explosions and gunfires and all the cliche big fight, but then they couldn’t have shared that loving brotherly moment and I do understand that, however I still missed his big exit. 

When Dean appeared in heaven and it was nothing like before, people locked up separately, but instead all of them were together, curse me as much as you want, but I loved that. That’s their happy place, around loved ones, around people they love to be with. I am all for it!

But here at this point came to me, are they only together with who they were very close to? Because if we would put all of the people together, such as Jess, Sam’s new wife, Dean, John, Mary, but then also Bobby was there and the place was Harvelle's Roadhouse, meaning Jo and Ellen would be there and their family, it kind of got me confused as that’s hell of a lot of people in one place. I think I will just stick to not analysing that, because it would get messy. 

I honestly loved that while Dean was driving off with heaven version of baby and “Carry on” playing in the background, we saw Sam living a full life. Just like Bobby said, time in heaven was different. Whilst Sam was living a life he deserved, Dean was barely apart from his brother for long. It was certainly a part that I very much appreciated, because we started with two brothers and I needed it to be brought back to that, for them to be side by side once again. 

“It’s okay, you can go now.” - When Sam’s son, Dean said that to an old, dying Sam, I think that was a genius part to bring back and I felt that was just the right thing to say. (Old Sam’s make up and ageing was not the best, but we can let it slide for now.)

However, I was missing the feel of the emotions while we watched Sam’s life in a montage. I feel like it was needed like this, not to waste too much time on it and having different times between earth and heaven, also because of pandemic restrictions, but it could have been better, more showing than telling if the actual 2 hours was about the brothers, not just 1 hour. 

I feel like they wanted to show us a happy ending even though both of them died, but Sam actually had to go through all the grieving and pain to rebuild his life and we missed that. Of course, it’s just my sole opinion, we can all have different opinions and I do understand that the pandemic did restrain the amount of people they could bring (back) for a grand finale, but for me it was a bit rushed.

In the end, the show ended with the two brothers, just like it started before, and whilst I did have certain parts I questioned, I basically got what I expected.

I was questioning Cas’ appearance, I personally thought he would show up in the end, but then Cas was helping Jack somewhere in the Universe and knowing he wasn’t with the empty, it gave me enough satisfaction, but once again, it was more telling, less showing. 

Overall it was an emotional episode, quite bittersweet, but I enjoyed it. 

I had disappointed moments, such as Dean’s death scene. I expected it to be more of a grand exit, more boom and guns and fire, something bigger. But then I also had satisfactory scenes, such as when the brothers met in heaven and the show ended in a way with a happy scene, a place they were together again, just being happy. 

I enjoyed this finale, even if it wasn’t perfect. I feel like with what they had they did a good job. Not the best, but certainly a good job. I don’t often cry and they made me cry so the emotions were there. I got my happy ending with the brothers being together and it was a nice, bittersweet ending to a 15 years old series. I’m quite satisfied in the end. 

After so many years, I would like to just thank all the actors, producers, directors, screenwriters, stuntmen and everyone who worked on the movie till the last personal assistants and make up artists, they have done an amazing job and created a world we have treasured for years and we will keep loving the series for as long as we can.

Thank you to all the fans, the fandom and everyone who is part of the Supernatural family in any way.

[et-lesailes]

two artists

pairing: steve rogers x reader

word count: 1707

prompt: “Hi! May I request a fix with Steve rogers where the reader is a writer & has a scar on the right side of her face (eyebrow till cheekbone, diagonal) & Steve keeps seeing her in a caffe & thinks she's gorgeous not even caring about the scar & sketches her & finally decides to ask her out when he sees her silently crying over her laptop because she just killed off 1 of her favourite characters? Maybe shes a but insecure too?Thank you so much!”

themes: just a quick little fluffy piece :)

taglist: @evanstush, @chibi-crazy, @tanyam93, @bval-1, @wonderwinchester,  @patzammit, @rohaintahquil, @deidrashouseofpain, @sammyslonglostshoe, @mizariomi, @jadedhillon, @bohemian-barbie, @marvelouspottering, @sebabestianstan101, @lille-kattunge, @peach-acid, @heyiamthatbitch, @cptn-sgrogers, @heyyouwiththeassbutt, @bangtan-serendipity, @troublermalik, @beardburnsupersoldiers, @hannie-stark, @bookish-shristi, @kind-sober-fullydressed, @whores4thor, @gingerninjaprincess16, @straightforwardly, @danathewitchywoman, @denisemarieangelina, @mango--mango, @frencchfries, @xlanawriter, @littlemoistcarrot, @pottxrwolff, @arianatheangelworld, @ifuseekamyevans, @southerngracela, @nsfwsebbie, @rororo06​, @almost-had-the-stars, @sebastian-i-stan, @whysparker​

notes: i have removed a handful of people from my taglist due to lack of interaction with my fics, and will be removing more the next time i post based on how reaction with this fic goes. it takes a LONG time for me to manually tag every person so please understand that the least you can do is read my work and give it a like if you are asking to be on this taglist! anywho thanks to @allthefandomstogether​ for this lovely graphic!!

He comes to this cafe almost everyday, and each day he is almost sure to see you, much to his pleasure. 

To be fair, he started coming to this cafe far before you did. In the 1940s, to be exact. It is now run by the original owner’s granddaughter, and he is sometimes shocked when he sees the similarity between her features and her grandmother’s, though he keeps this to himself. He does not like to draw attention to the fact that he is Steve Rogers, Captain America. 

He sits at his regular table near the back and you sit at yours, also towards the back but on the other side of the room. He goes there to have some peace from the craziness that is the Avengers; he often brings a couple books, his sketchbook, and the iPod Touch Tony had gifted him when he had first come out of the ice. He can easily upgrade, but he has no desire to. He prefers being old fashioned, he hardly even likes using the complicated smartphone SHIELD has set him up with for missions. 

You only started coming a couple of weeks ago. He isn’t sure if you come every single day, but most of the days and times he is there, so are you. While he used to spend most of his time reading, he has found himself beginning to draw more and more. He used to draw quite a lot back in the old days; ever since becoming an Avenger, he simply did not have the time, and, quite frankly, the muse. Now, it is all coming back to him. He feels inspired upon your mere presence, and he simply has to draw everything he feels. At first, it is the items around you. He draws the latte you seem to favor, the journals you’re constantly writing in, the brown bag you keep your things in, even the sleek MacBook Air. Finally, he wholeheartedly accepts his creepiness and draws you. He can’t help it. You are incredibly intriguing to him, and not to mention beautiful. How could he not want your image displayed in the pages of his sketchbook? 

It is another day and he’s shading the delicate features of your face. He loves when you furrow your brow in concentration as you write, how your tongue even sometimes sticks out slightly. It’s adorable to him. 

His pencil begins to outline the thin scar across the right side of your face. He does not know how it got there, and while he is curious, he sees so much more to you than such a mark. All he can hope is that whatever happened, it is not bothering you anymore. He knows how mental scars hurt just as much as physical ones, probably even more. God knows he’s collected quite a few over his century of living.

He also wonders what it is you’re writing over there all the time. Is it a story? A memoir? A journal? He wants to read all of it, at the risk of sounding like some kind of creep. Perhaps he’s already too far in to be worrying about that, though. 

He’s so absorbed in his drawing he almost does not notice your change in expression. It is when you momentarily cover your face with your hands that he frowns, looking to you as if you will somehow understand through telepathy that he never wants you covering up that beautiful face. However, once you remove your hands, he widens his eyes as he sees tears running down your cheeks. You sniff and rub them away, taking a deep breath before returning to typing away on your laptop. He has no idea what to do, but he knows he has to do something. The thought of you being in any type of pain is breaking his heart. What is wrong with him? He doesn’t even know you.

He stands up rather abruptly, causing the people at the tables around him to give him an odd look. He avoids eye contact, adjusting his baseball cap. He finds his legs walking towards you, no plan of action in his normally calculative, strategic mind. He is standing before you now and the presence causes you to look up.

The eye contact almost blows him away. Your eyes are wide and slightly wet, making even your pupils glisten slightly. He’s never met anyone who looks pretty while crying, God knows he certainly isn’t. “Are you okay?” he asks somewhat suddenly and awkwardly, and you blink- he stares at your eyelashes wondering how such a small part of your face can look so beautiful to him. “Y-yeah, I’m okay,” you say with a sad smile, even chuckling slightly. He decides he wants to hear your real laugh as soon as he possibly can. “I didn’t know anyone saw me, that’s embarrassing.” You look away now and he frowns. He wants you to look at him. “Do you maybe want to talk about it?” he offers, hoping he doesn’t seem like some nosy freak. You wipe at your eyes again and he notices you’re still looking away. “Oh, it’s really not that deep,” you assure him, still laughing awkwardly. “I- I’m a writer, see, and I’ve been working on this story for a while, and--” you pause, taking a deep breath, “--it’s stupid, really, but I just killed off one of my favorite characters, and I’m just… sad now. I got too attached.” You rub the back of your neck, looking down at your keyboard. “Silly, isn’t it?”

He’s never been more enamored. 

He chuckles softly and shakes his head. “No. Not at all. Writing is a form of art, and art…” he hums thoughtfully before continuing, ��art evokes strong emotions. Even if you’re the one creating it.” He remembers rather morbid sketches he drew after Bucky’s death. Sure, he could have drawn something happier to help him feel better, but it was more important to let his grief and emotions out rather than pretend everything was okay. You look up at him again and he instantly takes advantage of the returned eye contact, studying yours as his smile barely grows. “Honestly, you’re the only person I’ve met who responded like that,” you tell him softly, your voice somewhat shy. “Everyone else would just tease me, tell me that I’m the one writing it so I can just change it. But it’s not like that, you know?” He immediately nods, smiling wider. “I completely understand. Sometimes the happy ending… isn’t always the right ending.”

You look up at him for a few moments before realizing this eye contact is too intense, naturally shying away again as you look back down at your laptop. You have good and bad days when it comes to your self esteem, especially with the thin scar running across your face, and it’s safe to say you’re feeling significantly more insecure sitting before such a handsome man like him. He frowns slightly and clears his throat, gesturing to the empty seat across from yours. “Do you mind if I sit with you?” You blink and barely gaze up at him, hoping you don’t look as nervous as you feel. “Um, yeah, sure, go ahead…” He smiles, clearly happy as he sits down, and you feel even more shy now that he’s right in front of you. “My name’s Steve, by the way. Could I know your name?”

You blink, everything suddenly clicking. He had seemed familiar but you had brushed it off-- considering how outrageously handsome he was, you had assumed you had seen a similar face in a damn magazine or TV show or something. Upon hearing his name, however, you now realize just exactly who this is, and now you’re even more confused as to why he’s sitting with you. “Y/N,” you introduce yourself nonetheless with a small smile, looking at him somewhat curiously. “Not to be rude or anything but-- why exactly do you want to sit with me?” He chuckles, finding you adorable already. “If we’re being honest, I’ve seen you here a few times, and I’ve always wanted to come talk to you.” You blink and glance down as you barely play with a strand of your hair, anything to keep your awkward hands occupied. “Me…?” He chuckles, barely biting on his lower lip. “Yeah, you. Is that so hard to believe? I was actually kind of hoping I could ask you out on a date. Get to know you better.” He’s a little surprised with himself; for someone so sculpted and “perfect”, he’s never really been quite smooth with the ladies. Perhaps he wants to be more confident to help draw out your own confidence. 

“A date?” you repeat, practically bewildered. Is this some type of prank? No, Steve Rogers would never do something like that. As you look up into his eyes, all you see is hope, sincerity, and a kind, friendly twinkle. You quickly look back down. He’s being serious. “I-- um, I haven’t been on a date in… a really long time…”

“So what better time to start than now?” He grins, cocking his head to one side. “Please? Just one, and if you hate it you never have to talk to me again. Though I’d be really, really sad if that happened.” You can’t help but giggle softly, looking up at him again. This time, you actually maintain eye contact for more than five seconds. “I doubt I would hate it.” You respond, surprised that you’re actually beginning to flirt a little. “Alright. Here’s my number.” He playfully pumps his fist in a triumphant movement as you scribble your number out on a piece of paper, handing it to him. “Thank you. I can’t wait.” He feels his work phone buzz in his pocket and he sighs. “Though right now, duty calls. I’ll call you later tonight, alright?”

You watch in somewhat of a daze as the muscular superhero stands up, taking out some hi-tech device you wonder if he even fully knows how to operate. Probably something invented by Tony Stark. “Alright,” you manage to say, nodding your head and even giving him a little smile. “I’m looking forward to it.”

[brawlingdiscontent]

On eating Will’s brain

Spoilers for all of Hannibal, tl;dr at the end, if you don’t feel like reading 2500 words.

This very long meta post will attempt to answer the common question: why did Hannibal try to eat Will’s brain in Dolce (3.6)?

Introduction

There’s a beautiful ambiguity to Fuller’s characters in Hannibal. Character is primarily revealed not by direct statement of thoughts and feelings (as characters’ statements are often ambiguous and about what appear to be peripheral issues), but by juxtaposition. This includes juxtaposition of a character’s actions over time, thematic mirrors of their situations in the case-of-the-week, and the many mirrored/foiled relationships that pop up, whereby the characters are defined against each other. (For example, Will/Tobias, Will/Peter, Will/Pazzi, Will/Gideon, Will/Chiyoh, etc.--Fuller uses these pairings to tell us something about Will in the ways that he is or is not like them, according to his own perceptions, those of others, and that of the audience). The show uses this ambiguity of character to raise questions about key themes, such as human capacity or potential for evil. 

While this is a riveting artistic strategy, it makes the characters’ interactions and intentions increasingly unclear, especially when even the more straightforward characters like Alana drift toward ambiguity by season 3. This is why I think there's so much confusion about what will heretofore be known as the head-sawing incident, and also why I also consider this post to be a reading of the situation, and not necessarily the authoritative one.

1. Duality

One of my favourite things about Hannibal is its duality, the show’s ability to hold onto ambiguity, even with two seemingly contradictory ideas. The acts of the darkest horror can co-exist with the deepest love. When Will clutches Hannibal close and pulls them off a cliff, it’s the acknowledgement that Hannibal’s always wanted of their perfect sympathy (Will decides that he has to go too because of his similarity to Hannibal) at the same time as a murder/suicide. When Hannibal gives himself up to the police it’s an act of shocking romanticism (he is literally sacrificing his freedom for Will) at the same time as it is clear threat, Hannibal saying to Will ‘you’ll never be rid of me’. It’s in the line of this duality that I read Hannibal’s attempt to eat Will’s brain.

In my ongoing analysis I’ll be using text, context and subtext to determine Hannibal’s feelings and motives. 

So, for context: What preceded Hanni’s bad decision? 

2. Mizumono (2.13) - The gutting incident

Hannibal and Will’s ‘breakup’ at the end of season 2 is what may mostly strongly come to mind as the inciting moment for the head-sawing incident; however, Will’s betrayal, the cause of the breakup, is not what caused Hannibal to wield the bone saw.

Think about it: if Hannibal wanted to kill Will only because of his betrayal, he likely would have just dug his knife a little deeper in Mizumono. Instead, Hannibal states he forgives Will via killing Abigail--“I forgive you Will, will you forgive me?” (2.13) (thereby setting up a pattern whereby death creates forgiveness). No, as Chilton reveals, “Will Graham is alive because Hannibal Lecter likes him that way” (3.4). (I should note that Hannibal preserving Will’s life at the end of season 2 is an act that again, in the show’s dualism, speaks of his regard for Will as much as it does his wish to make Will suffer for his betrayal by having to live with the pain of Abigail's death.)

So if Hannibal isn’t trying to kill Will over his betrayal at the end of season 2, what is the reason? It must be a result of something that happened after that, in season 3. 

3. Antipasto (3.1) - A clean break?

My reading here depends upon the understanding that Hannibal’s actions in Mizumono were intended to be the end of that chapter of his life. He cuts ties with his old life in the most Hannibal fashion: by leaving four people bleeding on the ground. When he walks out into the rain, he is figuratively washing himself of that life, and all of his old connections. Or so he thinks. 

Florence was supposed to be a clean break for Hannibal (although one could argue that his bringing Bedelia stems from an unconscious desire to hold onto it), but what happens when he gets to Florence? Rather than continuing happily in his murderous ways, he actually tries to establish a peace: “I've found a peace here that I would preserve. I've killed hardly anybody during our residence” (3.1). His desire for this peace is so strong, that he seeks to preserve it even when it means letting Sogliato get away being a dick to him, something that an earlier Hannibal would never have let stand (“My killing Sogliato now would not preserve the peace” (3.1)).

It isn’t until the episode’s end, months after his arrival in Florence, that he breaks this holding pattern with Anthony Dimmond (arguably killing Dimmond for not being Will, but that’s another post), and thus it is fitting, since Dimmond helped him to ‘untwist’, that he uses Dimmond’s twisted body to reveal the cause of his uncharacteristic behaviour, both to us and to himself: Will has broken his heart. 

I think this is the first time Hannibal begins to understand what Will says to him in Mizumono, that he “already did” change Hannibal the way that Hannibal changed him. Rather than rolling off of Hannibal’s back like he intended, Will’s betrayal has touched him, changed him, radically altered his behavior--because Hannibal loves him.

4. Secondo (3.3) - Therapy with Bedelia or He made you feel feelings? What a bitch.

Secondo is a key episode for understanding this conundrum because it's this season's ‘Hannibal goes to therapy’ episode. It starts and ends with a ‘therapy session’ between Bedelia and Hannibal, closing with Hannibal's realization: “I have to eat him.” These two scenes that bookend the episode are the most important to my understanding of Hannibal’s motivations re: the head-sawing incident.

At the very beginning of Secondo we see Hannibal returning to Florence after leaving his bloody valentine in Palermo. Bedelia meets him at the train station and asks him if it was good to see Will, and Hannibal replies “among other things.” This sets up the therapy session that follows which is about unpacking those ‘other things.’ 

So how does Hannibal work out his feelings for Will? Remember how I said Fuller’s characters are defined by juxtaposition? The realization that Hannibal might perhaps love Will prompts him to think of the only other person he has loved: his sister, Mischa.

In their second session, Bedelia introduces this parallel into their discussion:

BEDELIA: What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict.

HANNIBAL: Or negotiate.

BEDELIA: I would suggest that what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. (then) A force of mind and circumstance.

HANNIBAL Love.

I would argue that until this time, the early episodes of season 3, Hannibal never considered the possibility that he loved Will. Of course he knew he was intrigued by Will (or as Bedelia put it ‘obsessed with Will’), he knew that he cared about Will, but love is something that has not come up before--in regards to Will or anyone else (when discussing Abigail, it’s that Hannibal ‘cared about her’ as much as Will did; the one indirect mention of love between Will and Hannibal before this was in Will’s dream/fantasy in 2.9). Thus the introduction of love -- the idea the he loves Will -- is the huge pivot on which 3.3 turns for Hannibal. 

So how does Hannibal make the leap from love to murder? From something else that Will and Mischa have in common: their potential to incite betrayal. When Bedelia brings up the subject of betrayal (presumably in the context of Will), Hannibal, running with the already established Will-Mischa parallel responds:

Mischa didn’t betray me. She would influence me to betray myself.

This, I think, is the most important line defining the head-sawing incident. The specifics of what happened with Mischa are never quite made clear--but what does he mean by ‘she would influence me to betray myself’? From the context provided, the implication that I take from this is that whether this influence was conscious (perhaps Mischa actively dissuading Hanni from nefarious plots while she was alive) or unconscious (that just by dying she had the power to hurt him), Mischa’s influence itself was a direct result of Hannibal’s love for her--she was able to influence him because--and only because--he loved her.

To see where Will comes into this, here’s the full close to the episode:

HANNIBAL: Mischa didn’t betray me. She would influence me to betray myself. (then) But I forgave her that influence. 

BEDELIA: If past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, there is only one way for you to forgive Will Graham.

HANNIBAL: I have to eat him.

What exactly would Hannibal be forgiving Will for, here? As discussed, he’s already forgiven him for his betrayal in Mizumono with Abigail's death (remember the whole, “I forgive you, Will, will you forgive me? (2.13) and murder = forgiveness pattern). Furthermore, earlier in the episode Hannibal admits that he’s “vague on those details” when Bedelia asks him whether he’s the betrayer or betrayed between him and Will. My argument is that the Will-Mischa parallel that this scene establishes re: love, also applies in this situation re: betrayal; Will again mirrors Mischa. Thus it isn’t Will’s betrayal that Hannibal needs to forgive, it’s Will’s influence, which causes Hannibal to betray himself (hence Hannibal’s earlier confusion on who betrayed whom). And what is the mechanism of this influence and self-betrayal? Hannibal’s love for Will.  So really what Hannibal has to forgive Will for is making him love him, and the only way to do that is to kill him (remember, murder = forgiveness).

But why is the idea that he might love Will such a big deal for Hannibal? And what exactly is this self-betrayal that he has to forgive Will for causing?

5.  Control, authenticity and the self 

Hannibal loves control. This includes control over others/situations (he blows on Will’s soup in Dolce because he has to control every element of the situation and Will burning his mouth on his hot soup doesn’t suit his plan, it would be ‘sloppy’; another example is the care he took with bandaging Abel Gideon) and also perfect control of himself.  His ‘re-natured nature’ as Bryan Fuller puts, how he shapes himself through sheer force of will, is perhaps his most defining feature. Hannibal’s love for Will marks a loss of control, for as Hannibal admits: “we cannot choose with respect to who we fall in love” (3.3). 

But further than that, Hannibal’s love for Will is a threat to his sense of self.

Arguably, Hannibal’s desire for personal authenticity and self-actualization is his greatest drive. He expresses and achieves this drive through art in all its forms, including fashion, the culinary arts, and of course, murder-art. He is never evil for its own sake, but rather his evilness is an effect of him valuing self-determination and self-actualization over morality: it’s an extreme and shocking form of individualism. He not only acts on these principles for himself, but is constantly guiding others by them. We see this in how he pushes Will to be his ‘best’ (murder-y) self, and in his interactions with many other characters--perhaps most obviously Randall Tier. 

For Hannibal, to love means one thing: to compromise this drive and thus to be compromised. Whether that’s out of care for the object of his affections (“my compassion for you is inconvenient, Will”) or the pain/heartbreak that person can cause (moping around Florence for several months, making literal compromises to ‘keep the peace’ because he’s depressed about his break up)--when Hannibal loves someone he is not free to be his truest Cannibal self. Loving Will, then, is a deep existential threat to Hannibal, a threat which can only be vanquished by consuming him, and thus re-affirming his sense of self (if we think of cannibalism as Hannibal’s peak level of self-actualization). Chilton says that, “cannibalism is an act of dominance” (2.6); by engaging in it in Dolce and eating Will’s brain Hannibal is hoping to assert dominance over his feelings for Will and regain control (while at the same time committing a symbolic act of joining and carnal closeness--duality!)

Thus the takeaway from this section is that Will’s real crime for which he needs to be forgiven, and the reason has to die is not because he betrayed Hannibal, but because he made Hannibal love him. Through this love, Will presents a deep, existential threat to Hannibal’s sense of self, and so for Hannibal the situation is literally life or death; worse, in fact, for Hannibal would much rather die than compromise himself. It’s him or Will, and in Dolce, Hannibal makes the choice to save himself--but whether or not he could ultimately have gone through it, it’s all negated by the choices he makes in the next episode.

6. Digestivo (3.7) - The fallout

I’m not sure that we see the moment that Hannibal changes his mind and decides that he’s not going to (or can’t) kill Will. Perhaps he might have pulled away even while wielding the bone saw if they hadn’t been interrupted; perhaps seeing Cordell’s severed flesh in Will’s mouth reminded him of how beautiful they could be together; perhaps, even, he understands that his bargain with Alana for Will’s life extends indefinitely; but, regardless of what caused it, we see the evidence of this decision in his conversation with Will at the end of 3.7:

HANNIBAL: Do we talk about teacups and time and the rules of disorder?

WILL: The teacup is broken. It’ll never gather itself back together again.

HANNIBAL: Not even in your mind? (off his look) Your memory palace is building. It’s full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own. I’ve discovered you there. Victorious.

My reading of this scene is that telling Will he’s discovered him ‘victorious’ is Hannibal’s cryptic way of saying that Will’s won. Will’s victory here is the fact that Hannibal can’t or actively chooses not to kill him and instead is willing to sacrifice what’s most important to him--his sense of self, and, as we see shortly after this conversation, his freedom. In fact, through my reading, Hannibal giving himself up at the end of the episode is hardly surprising and pales in comparison to what he’s already sacrificed in letting Will live. Thus Hannibal’s self-surrender to the FBI is the final step in a beautiful character arc that has him move from gutting Will at the end of season 2 for threatening his freedom (--“You would take my life?” --“Not your life, no.” --“My freedom then?” (2.13)) to sacrificing this freedom willingly just so that Will can’t get away from him--placing their relationship/love over and above his own self preservation, and proving what Will asserts at the end of season 2 -- that he’s already changed Hannibal as Hannibal changed him. 

So thus, whereas some people in the fandom see Hannibal’s ‘eat Will’ plot as something he wasn’t thinking clearly about, or attribute it to the influence of Bedelia (I think this doesn’t give Hannibal enough credit as an independent thinker, and in fact, don’t think Bedelia attempted to sway him in any way on this point--that’s Hannibal’s game, she just wants to study him as he is)--I see Hannibal’s ‘eat Will plot’ as borne directly from his love for Will, and in some ways a demonstration of that love.

One final note (TWOTL, 3.13): playing into the key theme of reciprocity (introduced through Will and Hannibal’s reciprocal attempts to off each other in season 2) in Dolce (3.6), the situation for Will is life or death--him or Hannibal--just as it is for Hannibal, but for a very different reason: if Will doesn’t kill Hannibal, he risks becoming him. Hannibal first makes the decision to kill Will (Dolce, 3.6) and then to sacrifice himself in acceptance of their love at a personal cost (Digestivo, 3.7). Will, just to be efficient, completes the reciprocal act by making both decisions at once--both killing Hannibal to save himself and destroying himself by accepting their love at the same time--by tumbling them both off the cliff in The Wrath of the Lamb (3.13). Way to go, Will!  They really are ‘identically different’!

In conclusion: Murder husbands 4 eva!!

Tl;dr, I actually have a life, oh God, why was this post so long--

In this literal embodiment of the 'in this essay I will' meme, I argue that Hannibal tries to eat Will’s brain out of self-preservation, because he realizes that he loves Will and that by this love Will has the potential to change him and is thus an existential threat to his sense of self, which he values more than life. 

Thanks all for reading!

*all episode transcripts are taken the scripts on Bryan Fuller’s website here.  *all screenshots are taken from the Hannibal Screencaps Gallery here. 

[illfoandillfie]

Hello! I was wondering if I could get a Month Ahead Reading please? These past couple of months have been very challenging, and I graduate at the end of next month and honestly I am just hopeful for any form of positivity. Thank you!

Here you go love, apologies its so late! 

Week 1: Ace of Coins + Page of Cups + Broccoli (Leadership)

So the aces are symbols of beginnings and just staring out on something new, and the suit of coins (pentacles) is tied with the material - things like finances, and work and that kind of thing. Which means that the ace of coins indicates opportunity, prosperity and a potential new venture. This new venture may be related to your school work or a job/career situation. The Page of Cups is a bit of a dreamer. He represents happiness, surprise, sensitivity, and imagination come to life. This says to me that whatever this new opportunity is, it’s related to something you’ve been thinking about, maybe hoping will happen. If you’ve been thinking about applying for a job in a particular field or starting your own business or maybe continuing your studies, now is a good time to look closely at that and make a start on it. 

The Broccoli card really ties into this with its message of leadership. One interpretation is that you could find yourself in a leadership roll, perhaps within a group work setting or as the organiser of an event/celebration/whatever. It could also be read as an encouragement to take the initiative and throw your hat into a ring (or many rings) that offer possible opportunities for you. There is certainly a lot of potential here so don’t be afraid to take whatever chances are offered to you. 

You may even start to see some of these opportunities appearing during the end of March as well as into early April. 

Week 2: The Sun + Reconciliation + Commitment 

I love seeing the Sun come up in a reading because it’s such a happy and positive card! It’s symbolic of success, joy, celebration, contentment and peace. Early April will bring energy and optimism. Two oracle cards jumped out as I was shuffling so I took them both. Reconciliation of course may refer to a reunion with someone so if a trouble relationship has been on your mind, you may find peace in burying the hatchet. But this card may also refer to just connecting with loved ones, spending time or celebrating with the people you’re closest to. Commitment with The Sun may refer to reaping rewards for hard work and dedication. It could also be a call to refocus on your dreams and figure out what your next steps will be. Of course, I should also mention that commitment could be a sign of someone committing themselves to you, potentially with a proposal, but if that doesn’t fit then ignore it. Because monthly readings can be kind of vague I try to include as many different interpretations as possible and not all of them will fit your current situation. 

Week 3: Queen of Coins + My Backyard (Home is where I make it. I can find sanctuary every day.)

The Queen of coins represents practicality, financial security, generosity and opulence. She is a down-to-earth woman who is loyal to those she loves, who takes care of her family, and is often seen as motherly. But she also has business savvy, and financial intelligence. Which is why she can also be surrounded by luxury and wealth. This Queen of Coins may represent you and your position around the middle of April - the self-made woman, independent and wise. She may also signify a person of importance in your life, possibly an older woman, who desires to help you. She will show you love and/or care, as well as help guide you if you feel stuck or unsure. 

In this context, the My Backyard card could indicate that the Queen of coins is someone you know, possibly someone related to your home. It may also be encouraging you to make a space of your own where you can draw the queen like wisdom and energy from. The guidebook entry says: “No matter where you live and no matter what you call your backyard, place loving energy into it. That can simply mean keeping it litter free and clean. It could mean adding plants of a sculpture. It could mean creating a herb garden or even adding bees. Even if you share this space with others you could create a spot that is yours energetically. One way the ancients did this was to bury a charged crystal or an object they owned in that spot.” Perhaps having somewhere you can return to, even while things are changing for you, will help you stay on the right track? 

Week 4: Seven of cups + Stargazing (When you gaze at the stars you give yourself fairy-focus. Your intuition will flow more freely and reveal what you need to know about your situation.) + Wish Wisely (Use your wishes wisely to manifest your heart’s desire and take practical steps towards making your dreams come true.)

The seven of cups has a couple of different meaning. One one hand it can represent dreams or fantasies, on the other it can be about choices. I feel like it’s a bit of both for you. Earlier we had the Page of Cups card which relates to dreaming or fantasising about possible futures, so it may be that you’ve got that sort of daydreamy energy around you. But, with this being around the time you graduate, it may also relate to the choices in front of you. Finishing your studies is great but the question is what do you do next. This card may be saying that you have a lot of options in front of you but its also a warning that not all of them are good. This is where the Stargazing card comes into it. Listen to your intuition, or that inner voice telling you what you really want, and pay attention to what it’s saying before you make your final decisions. The Wish Wisely card also talks about dreams coming true but it reminds you that just dreaming and wishing for them isnt enough. You need to take practical steps too. Funnily enough, in the rider waite smith deck, the first meaning listed in the guidebook for the seven of cups is “Fairy favours” which I didn’t realise until after I’d pulled the oracle cards from the fairy deck. Perhaps this week will be a bit of a magical one with the fairys on your side, trying to help you see where to go next. 

Week 5: Page of Wands + 8 of Wands + Mystery + Peace

The 8 of wands is a card of rapid movement, quick decisions and breakthroughs. I can see this as an indication that the next month is going to feel as if its moving fairly quickly and before you know it you’ll have graduated. The Page of wands represents exploration, excitement and freedom. I think it makes sense for such traits to appear around that particular event. But this is a card of opportunity and adventure. Although, interestingly, this page is also described as somewhat of a dreamer. Pages are also messengers so it may be that this week you’ll receive news about something important, or related to one of the opportunities you saw at the beginning of the month. 

The mystery card represents the idea that it’s okay not to have all of the answers all of the time. Embrace the various mysteries of life and let things unfold as they need to. And peace is an invitation to bring a sense of peace into your life. It might be with meditation or by taking some time off from everything, or just by spending time doing something you enjoy. You’ve worked hard though and you deserve the break. It will help you find the curiosity and excitement of the page of wands. 

I also drew some more oracle cards as a way to try and get a sense of the overall energy of the month. 

I got you 2 ice cream oracles: Mint Choc Chip (endurance / determination / fortitude) and Pistachio (emotional healing / independence / responsibility) 

It seems as if the lead up to your graduation won’t be completely easy but you have the strength within you to keep pushing forward. The emotional healing part I think could tie in with that peace card and I think this is a reminder to look after yourself as best you can. 

On that note, I also pulled you 3 sacred self care cards. Originally I intended to get 2 but the first one that came out was Connect with your Womb and I wasn’t entirely sure how relevant that would be lmao. That being said, the guidebook does say it could be a mother’s womb OR the cosmic womb and I think it’s more about connecting with your potential for creation, whatever that looks like to you. All the same, if it doesn’t resonate, ignore it lmao. 

Your other 2 sacred self care cards are: Use your hands and Watch a movie. Use your hands relates to creating something physical, be it artistic like pottery or painting, or something more practical like fixing a broken tap or planting a herb garden. It could even be as simple as repainting an old piece of furniture or hanging some nice art on your walls. Whatever you choose, doing something physical with your own two hands that has a tangible result will give you a feeling of accomplishment and a boost of confidence which will help you tackle bigger and more complex problems. Watch a movie is really just as simple as it sounds. Pick a movie or tv show you enjoy or one you’ve been wanting to see, sit down and watch it. Of course, you can turn it into a fun movie night, getting cosy in your PJs with a few favourite snacks, and maybe a few friend (irl or over discord or whatever). If you live somewhere where movie theatres are open it could also be a chance to treat yourself to a solo date night! However you decide to do it, watching a movie can be a great way to slip into fantasy and indulge when you need some time out!

Next we have 2 destiny cards: Courage and Compassion. These are both keywords that will be relevant during the month of April. Compassion especially draws to mind the Queen of Pentacles, so keep it in mind during the middle of the month. And courage is similar to the traits displayed on the mint choc chip ice cream card too. 

And finally 3 Queen songs. I must admit, I originally couldn’t find my destiny cards desk and so figured I’d throw it back to when I first started doing these readings and draw a couple of Queen songs for you and then, right as I was about to take the photo I found the missing deck lmao so I just included both. 

Anyway, your songs are: Get Down, Make Love / Dead on Time / Good Company. 

I definitely suggest listening to these songs a couple of times during the month and seeing how they resonate for you or if there are any messages you can pick up in the lyrics. A few quick thoughts though. Dead on Time has quite a fast pace to it and this immediately made me think of that 8 of wands card and the rapid movement it suggests. Get Down Make Love is a slightly odd one maybe. Initially I thought it might have to do with ~connecting with your womb~ but looking through that deck theres another self care card which is literally just “Sex” so maybe not lmao. Good Company made me think of the Queen of Coins if she is another person who you can turn to for advice and guidance. It may also just be an indication that keeping up relationships and friendships will be beneficial this month. But, like I said, have a listen and see what they make you feel. It might just be that these are all bangers that will help get you moving or feeling pumped up!

[thatmiddle]

Top 10 Albums that Shaped my Existence

How do I put this lightly, I believe listening to music matters as much as breathing. I know that is hyperbolic, but I don’t care. It can fuel your soul in a similar way that air fuels your body to move. It brings to life moments, places, and people. That’s probably why if you listen closely music is everywhere. It’s in the steel drums at Union subway station or the clarinet player at Yonge and Dundas Square. It’s is found from a broken guitar with unclipped strings in Kensington Market to a radio blasting out of an open window. It’s heard from the lake on a cool breezy summer night. It’s made by the leaves in the trees and the creatures roaming its branches. Music is inescapable.

Music is also a lot cheaper than therapy and for most, it is incredibly accessible. In saying that I do not mean to conflate therapy to music, but I do think there is a healing power to songs. This form of artistic expression has been with me during my brightest minutes and my darkest hours. I have relied on it like Aladdin did his magic carpet; it lift me up and took me to places I never thought I’d ever go. All I have to do was turn it on, tune in and drop out, as some would say.

During this pandemic I have leaned heavily into music, it is the perfect socially distanced escape. During this time that I have also gone back to old albums and reflected on how they influenced me and shape who I am today.

In Rainbows - Radiohead

If I had owned this album in an analogue form I would have destroyed it by overplaying it in my Discman. Radiohead is a wonderful band that have made wonderful albums but for some reason, this is the particular one I return to. To me, In Rainbows is the music I heard when I realized that I wanted to take my life in a different more creative direction than that of my peers. In Rainbows is the album I heard on carpool rides to Shakespeare Camp as a young girl. In Rainbows is what played in my head the first time I walked into Kensington Market as a young naive suburban girl. The music is so diverse with its sound but creates a distinctly modern tone. I find the music runs like a stream and cascades into fountains of sound I never expected. All the songs are beautiful but my favourite from the album has always been House of Cards.

Brothers - The Black Keys

If In Rainbows was an early marker of my youth, Brothers by The Black Keys established my teenage self and heavily moulded how I carried myself into my early twenties. With the raunchy guitar, hard drums and vocals somewhere between garage rock and blues, this album stimulated every part of my life. It is one of those albums that upon listening to the first fifteen seconds of the opening track Everlasting Light, I am immediately taken back to driving around in Toronto suburbs and getting into trouble. This album started my ongoing obsession with The Black Keys. Fun fact I named my first Tumblr blog off of a misreading a song lyric in the track The Only One, which also happens to be one of my favourite tracks on the album. I’ve tried to see The Black Keys live twice and both times I was unable to attend the concert. One day I will see them.

Revolver - The Beatles

There are a lot of Beatles albums I love and I wouldn’t say this is my favourite of theirs, but it is I would argue its one of their more underrated albums. From what I have gathered about Beatles fans (having been one since I was six years old), this choice isn’t mutually exclusive. It does however seem that established fans love either Rubber Soul or Revolver. For me, I choose the latter. This album is very experimental for the band as they were still coming out of their admired boy band era. I came to this album as a young girl whenever I played with my toys in the living room of my childhood home. I always heard a Beatles album playing in the background and when Revolver came on I was elated. My toys went on new adventures, met new people and told new stories. The Beatles have always brought out the creativity in me and I’m very grateful for that. Check out the song I’m Only Sleeping, it’s so meditative and my most replayed track.

Man on the Moon: The End of Day - Kid Cudi

I wasn’t in a good place when I was fortunate enough to be introduced to this album as being a teenager can be an incredibly difficult experience. Yet upon hearing this album I was pleasantly surprised, I never expected to find that catharsis in a young American rapper named Kid Cudi. I always liked some rap and hip-hip songs (don’t ever get me started on the importance of Sean Paul), but foolishly enough I never gave a full album or artist the chance. Man on the Moon found me at the right moment. This album’s production is so complex and crosses genres in ways I never expected; it leaves me wanting more every time. Kid Cudi hip-hop is different, Kid Cudi hip-hop goes deep and feels it. While Day ‘N’ Nite is one of the most recognizable songs on the album don’t sleep on Heart of a Lion, it’s beautiful.

For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver

Like many teens in the mid-2000s, I made a Tumblr account. It was a great place filled with hormone-induced rage posts, images of skinny girls ripped from the website We Heart It, and boundless creativity. As a previous webpage creator hailing from the Geocities days, site creation was not new to me. I took up a URL and got to work. During this time I leaned deeper into the ‘indie girl’ aesthetic, which is where I found Bon Iver. Bon Iver’s music is soft and melodic and his guitar strums could whisk you away on a cloud. For Emma, Forever Ago was the soundtrack to the version of me who longed for combat boots, a-line skirts from American Apparel, and a cute hipster boyfriend to take me away from all my problems. I never got everything I wanted, but I was always able to sit in deep thought and listen to this album and for that, I’m incredibly grateful. The Wolves (Act I and II) is one of my favourite tracks off the album, I love the crescendo towards the end of the song it makes me want to release any bad feelings I have through some strong movement.

Is this it - The Strokes

I don’t remember when I first heard this album, I just know it was an unofficial anthem to my early twenties. Was it playing at that frat party? Or maybe it was at the live show in that bar one time. Is This It is the perfect album for starting out in a new place with dreams and about $20 to your name. This album is made for people entering young adulthood making mistakes and living for the moment. Garage rock is such an underrated genre, but perhaps that’s the suburban girl in me speaking. I want to dance every time I hear a track of this perfectly crafted experience. I hear those guitar riffs and I am taken back to running through Toronto at midnight with friends. Is This It is unapologetic and an outstanding debut album for The Strokes and cemented their status as indie rock legends, I don’t care what anyone says. There are a lot of amazing songs to recommend but I will try and spice things up. Last Nite and the title track Is This It are obvious choices but the bop you need to listen to is Someday.

Wish you were here - Pink Floyd

Everyone has to listen to Pink Floyd in university otherwise they never went…right? Pink Floyd always felt like a right of passage that I would eventually reach although I did cheat and wear a Dark Side of The Moon cropped t-shirt I got from HMV in high school just to seem cool. It wasn’t until first-year university I fell in love with the song Wish You Were Here. I’m sure I was just feeling nostalgic after moving out of my suburban bubble and into the big city for the first time. Nevertheless, after annoying my new roommates by listening to that song on repeat in my bedroom I decided to give the rest of the album a shot and immediately fell in l love. It is a short ride but an emotional journey. I thought I had felt everything I needed to feel at 21, then I heard Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Pts 1-5). If you were living under a rock and haven’t heard this album I recommend it. And do check out that track.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar

Swimming Pools was everywhere in 2012, it was synonymous with the nightlife which was surprising given its lyrics. Good kid MAAD city takes the ideas explored in Swimming Pools and expands them into a full universe. As soon as I turned on the first song I felt like I had been lifted from my cold Canadian home and into the chaotic Compton of Kendrick Lamar’s universe. This concept album has such depth I feel I learnt more than I would have ever expected. I love the way the album weaves recorded scenes with various characters and the music, it creates such a vivid picture as you listen through the whole piece. I felt deep sympathy towards the struggles told on the record in ways I never thought I would. Good kid m.A.A.d city is a great ride from start to finish without ever skipping a single track, but if you had to speed up to a gem I highly recommend the track Money Trees.

channel Orange - Frank Ocean

I was originally introduced to Frank Ocean through his work with Odd Future or as I proudly scribbled everywhere, OFWGKTA. Frank Ocean was always the quiet R&B guy from the group that I never thought I would have known much about but early 2013 rolled around all that changed. An old friend of mine had pointed me in the direction of new work by the musician and I ran towards the sound immediately. Frank’s voice is mesmerizing and he mixes sounds in ways I would never expect. His lyrics are dark and deep. This album got me through a lot of mixed emotions I started to experience as I worked my way through my undergrad. Frank understood what it meant to feel and I connected deeply with that. Pink Matter was the soundtrack to my life, I listened to it on repeat doing just about every task I could imagine.

House of Balloons - The Weeknd

I remember Toronto the year that The Weeknd released his first mixtapes. He was just an enigma floating through the city, no one could pin him down. I am one hundred percent one of the people who got their hands on the YouTube videos early and saved them immediately to my accounts. I wanted more and I didn’t know why. He captured a sound that still exists here today, it was dark and full of mystery. As soon as I got my hands on the first mixtape I popped that baby into my iPod and played it so much practically the full album made it to my ‘Top 25 Playlist’ on the device. I am obsessed with The Weeknd’s voice and as someone from Etobicoke, I am even more obsessed with the fact that he’s from Scarborough. He sounds like home to me and I will never be able to let that go. When I play this album (which is at least once every year I’ll have you know), I feel sure about who I am and where I come from. It’s not an explicit attitude to being from Toronto, but rather a feeling that you can carry throughout everything you do. The Weeknd carries that on a world stage and I am proud to say he is a Toronto native. Every song on the album is amazing and I say listen to them all, but do make sure you pay special attention to Loft Music. Nothing spells nightlife in Toronto more than at least one party in a condo or loft by Lake Ontario. I was actually asked to go to a late-night loft party by a random man at a Chinese restaurant one time so I can vouch for this happening in the city. Clearly, Abel knew what he was talking about.

Music is one of the most important things in my life. It is like a fuel I use to keep my motor moving. I find it anywhere and everywhere. I rely on it so much it has been the godsend I didn’t realize I needed during a pandemic. I think I am starting to understand why movies from the 1930s were so much about escapism; drifting off into another world during a difficult time can feel like magic.

What are 10 albums that shaped who you are? Let me know in the comments.

[realm-sweet-realm]

A Symphony of Nightmares, part 1

This is a fanfiction meant to explore a thoroughly toxic relationship between Sammy Lawrence and Joey Drew. I hope you enjoy.

---

It was December 23rd, and Sammy and Joey were staying at the studio after hours to put together a little workplace Christmas party.

“Thanks for helping me with this,” Joey said as they finished up. “Usually I have Wally help me, but you know you’re always my first choice.”

Sammy blushed. Joey really knew how to make a man feel special. “No problem. It’s probably good damage control for my reputation, y’know, because...”

“Oh, stop bringing that up. Here, I brought you something.” Joey handed Sammy a lovely little present with powder blue and mint green wrapping- Sammy’s favourite colours. Inside of it were many things, the first being a matching green and blue card. The card read,

Dear Sammy,

In the past months since we started dating, you have been proven many things to me. You have proven that you share my artistic mind, as well as some of my more obscure interests. More importantly, you have proven, or at least, almost proven, that you’re someone I can trust with my heart and my vision. You are the perfect person for me, perhaps moreso than anyone I’ve ever met, and I think it’s time that I fully bring you into my life. No more distrust. No more punishments. Fewer rules. Just love. Please meet me at Joey Drew Studios tomorrow and we can discuss how.

-Your loving partner, Joey Drew.

Two keys were taped to the inside of the card, and the box also contained some candy and cocoa, a beautiful notebook with a musical note motif for writing songs, and a small bottle of ink with a note taped to it reading “bring tomorrow.”

“Wow. This is really nice. But, are you going to explain the ink? And the keys?”

“Well-“ In that moment, there was a knock at the door. “Oh, the guests are here!”

“Okay, I guess we can talk later. And then you can open your present.” With that, Sammy gave Joey a peck on the cheek and went to answer the door.

Before long, a few dozen employees had arrived, and were having a jolly good time at the party. Sammy Lawrence was enjoying himself as well, but half of him was concentrated on being good, making sure not to seem too warm to anyone Joey, had made off-limits. The wound in on Sammy’s arm still burned from last night, when Joey had taken a lit match to it as a punishment for making him jealous. On his surface, Joey was a man anyone would want in their lives, always full of inspiration and cheer. Behind closed doors, however, his temper and his fear of losing anyone he found himself attached to led Joey Drew to be... a very intense partner would be one way to put it. Sammy had found that out too late. And he felt addicted to Joey, and all the love and excitement and inspiration he brought into Sammy’s life. But Sammy was also deathly afraid of him.

Considering the ink bottle again, Sammy slipped out to head for his sanctuary. The motions of unlocking it, complicated as they were, were automatic to him by now. Finally alone in the dark, Sammy reflected on how this relationship had come to be.

—-

It had started about seven months ago, when Joey had first asked him out to dinner. They had essentially talked the entire night about their shared passion for the arts. At first, Sammy had thought it was stupid. Sammy couldn’t exactly say so in front of his boss, but Joey didn’t make art- he made stupid kid’s shorts. And even apart from that, Sammy had plenty of bones to pick with Joey as a boss. But as the night wore on, Sammy realized that Joey’s appreciation for art was genuine, and came to respect him a little more. He was pleasant enough when he wasn’t busy being a terrible boss. At Sammy’s door, he’d handed him an unlabelled black book. Sammy still remembered Joey’s exact words: “I want you to borrow this. Check it out a bit. I’ve tried some of the activities in it, and well, they really work! The world is wider than you can imagine Sammy, and I want someone to explore it with. You’re a man of passion. Just promise me you’ll think about it.”

Well, Sammy did look into that tome of Satanic rituals. And he did go to Joey to see them actually work.

It wasn’t too long, maybe two months, before Sammy found himself waiting in an area of town he’d never been to before. It was a poor-looking area, it was getting dark, and he was getting nervous. Joey Drew had always insisted that they meet in a different place every time, for secrecy's sake. Joey had been late that night, and it was spitting rain. Even so, Sammy, normally irritable, was calm. He took another drag on his cigarette, looked over his shoulder for the hundredth time, and propped himself against the brick wall behind him in attempt to look like he belonged in the rough part of town. He was used to this.

Amazing. He, the wimpy, white-collared Sammy Lawrence, was used to waiting around in strange, quiet areas for the opportunity to practice the occult. What Joey had shown him that first night would have converted the most cynical heart. Sammy had never been an atheist, but nor was he especially dedicated to religion- just a churchgoer who seldom thought about the supernatural any time but Sunday mornings. That night, however, he had seen it proven before his eyes that powers beyond his imagination- indeed, beyond the imagination of Christianity or any other religion he knew of, were very real, and very much entwined with the mortal world.

How had that turned into this? Sammy couldn't answer that. Joey had invited him over a second time, let him help with a few rituals performed in his house. Then he lent Sammy a different book so that he could figure out what he wanted to do with his newfound powers. There was no point when his coming over had become an intentional weekly tradition, it just had. And then it came to the point where it wasn't just once a week, but generally multiple evenings that Sammy put into his new hobby. There were supplies to collect, secluded areas to find, and evidence to dispose of. Before he knew it, he was the one suggesting that the two of them go to the woods at night for the first spell involving animal sacrifice that either had ever performed. And beyond that, the candlelit dinners, the sex, the getting drunk and having deep conversations in the woods, the talk as though they were running the studio together- Sammy wondered at when on earth they’d become a couple, and when Joey had become such a big part of his life. Not that Sammy wasn’t enjoying it- Joey might have been a terrible boss, but Sammy was greatly enjoying his personal company.

There were things about Joey that bothered him, though, even then. Six weeks into their relationship, Joey had caught Sammy chatting warmly with Jack in the music room, and had grabbed all but dragged Sammy to his office, holding his wrist tightly enough to leave marks.

“What are you doing, making kissy eyes at the biggest fruit in the studio like that?” Joey had demanded. His fists were curled, and Sammy’s pulse picked up, even though he found the scenario ridiculous.

“I wasn’t making kissy eyes at him. We’re best friends, that’s it,” Sammy halfway snapped. Then, he felt a fist slam into his stomach. His back hit the wall, and Joey held him against it, fist cocked back for a second blow.

“Really?” Joey growled.

“Yes, really! He’s married, I promise,” Sammy cried. Joey let go of him.

“Oh. Okay. Well, I’ll be asking him to make sure, but if you’re telling the truth, I’m sorry. Can we still be partners?”

Sammy hesitated. This is the exact behaviour anyone would tell him to break up with someone over.

A desperate, touchy look fell over Joey’s face. “Keep in mind that it’s all or nothing. I’m not practicing Satanism or lending my books to anyone I can’t trust, one hundred and ten percent.”

“Yeah, let’s stay partners.”

“Good. Maybe we should set some rules so this never happens again.”

“That sounds like a good idea.”

“Okay. Well, how’s about a rule about who you can talk to. Anyone related to you or married is fine, of course, or if they’ve been in a relationship for a while that’s okay. And so are straight men- don’t think you can cheat this rule, though, I always know. And I know you had a thing with Susie Campbell, so I don’t want you talking to single women, either, alright? And especially not Allison Pendle. I can tell she’s a total slut.”

Sammy found the whole thing pretty weird, but he wasn’t at the point of protesting just yet. Satanism meant to much to him. He and Susie weren’t exactly amicable exes anyhow. “Okay. And my rule is that you don’t hit me.”

“Deal,” Joey said, reaching out for a handshake. Sammy returned it firmly. “I love you, alright? I don’t want to hurt you, so keep up your side for me.”

“Right. I love you,” Sammy said, too much hesitation in his voice. “I love you,” he tried again. It was firmer but still didn’t sound quite right.

—-

When had been the next time Joey had hit him? Sammy couldn’t remember. His mind kept traveling back to his first real, hard beating, and that reminded him that he needed to get back to the party and give Wally Franks his present.

Sammy had been storing Wally’s present in his sanctuary all day, which made it pretty convenient now. Hopefully Wally was ready to forgive him. Back in the break room with everyone else around, Sammy tapped Wally on the shoulder while he was talking to Susie.

“Huh? Uh, hey Sammy... What is it...?” Wally’s awkward smile was reminiscent of a cringing puppy who’d been caught red-handed.

“I brought something for you.”

“Thanks.” Wally took the box and lifted its lid. “A chocolate cake. That’s real considerate.”

“Yeah. Remember the time you ate my chocolate cake right out of its box when I left it in my office?” Sammy took care to sound good-natured about that. “You looked so shocked when I walked in on you. We’ve has some pretty funny moments, haven’t we?”

“Ha ha, yeah, ah guess. Look, I don’t wanna offend you but I don’t feel comfortable takin’ this. Sorry for avoiding you, though. I’ll try to stop.”

Sammy’s face fell. “Okay, I get it.”

With that, Wally handed him back the box and walked (a little too fast) back into the crowd.

“Sorry,” Susie said. “He told me that he forgives you, but y’know. He was scared of you even before the... incident... and he’s having trouble being comfortable with you again. If it helps, I want to be friends again. We’ve been broken up for almost a year now, so why keep avoiding each other?”

Because Susie was high on Joey’s list of people he couldn’t talk to. “I’ll think about it, alright Susie?” Sammy said, businesslike, before going to look for Joey. All he could think was how pathetic Wally was. Really, avoiding him like this after one little punch to the face?

—-

It was early November, and Sammy was in his office, attempting to focus on songwriting. If he let his mind stray, it inevitably strayed to the night before, when Joey had beaten him until he bled. And yet, he didn’t feel scared or tearful. Instead, he was furious.

There were no two ways about it, leaving this relationship would be risky on multiple fronts, and Sammy wasn’t sure he could do it. The most obvious was that Joey could- and likely would- fire him. As well, Sammy was enthralled enough with Satanism that he was just about willing to be beaten if it meant he didn’t have to give it up. And, of course, there was the issue that Joey might beat him to a pulp for breaking up- maybe even kill him.

God, Sammy had been so stupid! Why had he thought that it was a good idea to be in a relationship with his boss? Why had he thought he could work the magic of the devil himself without becoming so intoxicated? Why was he allowing himself to be mistreated like this? Why was he such a-

A knock on the door interrupted Sammy’s internal rant. Probably some idiot needing to use the pump switch. Sammy got up and opened the door to see Wally Franks.

“Hey, Mr. Lawrence. You sure look angry.” There was a slightly apologetic tone to Wally’s voice, and Sammy immediately knew what he was there for: some keys to borrow so that could retrace his steps and find his own. Growling, Sammy snatched the keys from his pocket, threw them at Wally, and turned back to his desk.

“...You okay?” Wally asked hesitantly, slowly approaching the angered musician. “That’s a pretty dark-lookin’ bruise you got under your collar there-“

In that moment, Sammy lost all self-control and swung his fist into Wally’s jaw, knocking a tooth out and two others loose. The action shocked Sammy as much as it did Wally.

“Oh my God. Wally, I’m sorry! Can I take you to the infirmary?”

Wally whimpered a no and left Sammy’s office with his proverbial tail between his legs.

Sammy was frozen in shock. He knew he was in trouble, and he supposed he deserved to be. After a couple minutes of waiting for the other shoe to drop, he went back to his sheet music as a distraction. Sammy wasn’t sure how much time had passed before the door opened and Joey took a seat opposite to him. Sammy couldn’t quite look Joey in the eyes.

“So, you hit him,” Joey began, his voice somber. “I’d be a hypocrite to fire you, and I wouldn’t want to do that to my main man, anyways. Here’s what’s going to happen: you’re going to give a public apology to Wally, with me there to mediate. I’ve offered Wally a raise to keep his mouth shut about this to the police. Of course, if this does get out, I’m going to have to let you go for the company’s sake, but until then, I’m going to do everything I can to keep you hired and out of jail. That’s a promise.” Joey gave Sammy a pat on the shoulder, and Sammy winced. “Oops, did I hit a bruise?” Sammy nodded. Joey patted him on the arm instead before leaving.

Once he’d had the time to collect his thoughts, Sammy realized that there was no breaking up with Joey for now- not while this was still fresh in everyone’s memories and he still needed Joey’s protection. But by the time it felt safe to risk making Joey angry, Sammy didn’t want to break up anymore. By then, the beating seemed like an eternity ago, and his most recent memories of Joey were positive. I mean, yes, he did get the occasional punch, burn, or threat, but by then Sammy was used to it. And Sammy had hit Wally- maybe a bit of a temper was just something men of passion like them had. He’d even struck Joey once or twice, and Joey had handled it like a sport. Really, Wally was being such a baby over one punch. Sammy could remember Jack knocking on his door to ask for use of his keys several times in the past couple weeks, and he had no doubt that he was just fetching them for Wally. It was the only time Jack spoke to him now, and he, like a lot of Sammy’s coworkers, had gone cold on him. It had been kind of lonely, especially since a lot of Sammy’s old friends from outside the studio were now off-limits.

At least he had Joey. Maybe they were the only people capable of handling each other.

---

Sammy didn’t even know what Joey wanted from him, so he supposed the best way to figure out if he should agree to it was to go to the little meeting Joey had arranged and to hear him out. So, here he was, at the entrance of Joey Drew Studios with that bottle of ink clutched in his hand. Joey greeted him with a “Merry Christmas Eve!” and a kiss on the lips. They got into the elevator together and Joey sent them down to the very basement.

“So, Sammy. I know our relationship hasn’t exactly been perfect. And I want it to be perfect. I honestly do! I think you’re the perfect partner for me. I don’t want to have to tell you who not to talk to. I don’t want to hurt you. I just didn’t want you to leave me. So, it’s time that I addressed some problems in our relationship. First, I’m sensing that you have some resentment towards me at work, because of the ink machine.”

“Well, yes,” Sammy admitted. “I mean, it's a thorn in everyone’s side and no one knows what it’s for!”

“Well, I don’t want it to inconvenience you. One of the keys I gave you is for the finance manager’s office. You can switch offices with him after Christmas so you won’t have to deal with the pump switch anymore. And I can tell you what the ink machine does if you just make a promise with me.”

“I’m... listening.”

Joey slipped a small bottle of ink that matched Sammy’s out his pocket. “This ink machine could be the next step in our ventures into the occult, Sammy. We should both give ourselves over to it, see what role it chooses for us both. If you can do that with me, well, I’ll be able to trust you entirely. I’ll let you talk to whoever you want, and I’ll never hit you again. In a couple weeks or whenever’s convenient, you could even move in with me. What do you say?”

Sammy had heard the “I’ll never hit you again” line before, but he’d never heard Joey even suggest letting him talk to anyone. “You’ll let me talk to Susie?” Sammy asked.

“Why?” Joey spat, suddenly defensive.

“She forgives me for... you know, Wally. She wants to be friends again. That’s all.”

“Oh, okay. I suppose so.”

Sammy turned the ink bottle in his hands. The long nights they’d spent preparing spells that went horribly wrong, getting drunk, complaining and laughing about the other workers, the sex, the conversations. Was it worth the bad? Especially if it could get better? Sammy uncorked the bottle. “I’ll do it.”

Joey uncorked his bottle. “Thank you. And cheers!”

They clinked their ink bottles and threw them back. For Sammy, it was a bittersweet, salty, viscous liquid that he could barely choke down. For Joey it was as sweet as syrup. Immediately after they were done, Joey showed Sammy to the inside of the ink machine. Suddenly, Sammy wondered if downing the ink was actually symbolic. What would happen to him now? Would it be worth it? Joey loved him. Joey wouldn’t want harm to come to him. He’d have to trust that it was worth it.

---

I get that this one was pretty slow moving. Do you guys want a part two? I could just make it a one-off.

[sarcastically-defensive17]

Times Like These - LRH Chapter 5: Rosie loves a virgin, but we don’t need one passing out on her

"Do you think my bangs look uneven? I cut them myself at 3 last night because I couldn't sleep," Marianne had randomly burst into the shop, blurting out her words before she caught the look on her best friends face, and more specifically, the child sat by her side. "Lexi?"

Audrey nodded, pulling a bag from the back room that was stacked with various toys for her toddler. Jeremy had a family emergency, so the day care was shut and the only person she didn't particularly want to see her brother - who was the only one she trusted to watch her daughter - and his friends at the time being.

"Jer is closed, his mum again," Audrey informed her tall friend, watching as her face dropped.

"We going to see him after work?" She asked, already knowing the answer.

Audrey made a noise of agreement, "I'll get Mikey to watch Lex. He could use a catch up tonight I think."

Marianne put a hand on her friends shoulder, sending her a sympathetic look.

Her and Jeremy had been close for years, and his mother is like family to both of the girls. That's why the news of her accelerated Alzheimer's hit them all so hard.

Audrey's phone started ringing on the desk, causing the two elder females to jump. She didn't know the number, and it was the fourth time it had called this morning.

She was starting to get fed up of declining the calls. They didn't leave a voicemail, so she refused to call them back until they left one.

"Somebody's popular," Marianne laughed. "A gentleman caller, perhaps?"

"As if," the blue haired girl scoffed, patting her daughters hair. "The last thing I need is another male worming their way into my life and making it difficult. Possibly the only good thing to come from the last mess was this munchkin."

She pinched her daughters cheek, but the little girl payed no mind as she focused on smacking the doll she held into a toy car.

It was silent for a moment until Marianne raised a question thy was burning on her tongue, "think it could be him?"

Audrey's response was quick, and she snapped without intending to, "Don't bring it up, Annie. He made his choice, and I'm not letting him hurt us again."

The dark skinned girl nodded softly, her hair bouncing with the movement.

Audrey sighed, at herself more than anything as she pinched her brows with her fingers, "I'm sorry, Annie. It's been a long day already."

Her friend smiled at her. Marianne knew the difficult time Audrey was experiencing at the moment, so she made sure to not take the emotional outburst to heart. She knew her mind-hearted best friend would never take a harsh tone unless it was warranted, or she was stressed.

Or tired. Audrey was a monster when she was tired.

A bell dinged from the front of the stood, signaling a customer and Marianne groaned.

"I'll go deal with the human invader. Check back soon, ladies." She kissed both Audrey and Lexi on the cheeks before leaving the room.

This left the short girl to set her daughter up on the side of the room and prep her gun and needles. She kept them at a high enough level that Lexi wouldn't grab them, nor did she leave her daughter unattended in the tattooing room.

She busied herself with sketching a design that had been emailed through the day before. A detailed hummingbird.

She could only imagine the type of person who would want the delicate but intricate tattoo. She had some surprising clients before.

Older women getting detailed chest pieces, burly men receiving dainty ankle tattoos. She loved how tattoos could break  the stereotypical molds that people were forced into.

She herself was an example. A young, single mother who valued kindness and her education above everything but her daughter and her brother, yet was also building a museum of tattoos along her arms and collarbones, and piercings in various spots of her face and ears.

She was a walking contradiction of appearance vs personality and she loved it.

~~~~~

Luke didn't know what to expect as he left the cafe. He was frustrated at the situation, but mainly at the guilt that was swelling in his stomach.

He was not the kind to feel guilty for others. He simply had mode important things to do than worry about other people. Especially the short girl and her young daughter who found Luke more fascinating than he found her.

He didn't like kids. He only enjoyed being around his eldest brothers children. He could never see himself being the type to raise snotty, loud humans who needed food every few minutes and threw tantrums when they didn't get their way.

He was content with dealing with Calum.

Nevertheless, he felt horrible that he is the reason the pair are stuck in their less than enjoyable living situation, and he felt as if he needed to get rid of the guilt somehow.

The bell above the door chimed as he entered the tattoo parlor. The decor was unexpected, and seemed to resemble that of a 60's diner.

The waiting room was empty, and there were no staff members in the front area of the stood which did nothing to settle his growing nerves.

The walls were painted the colour red; not too vibrant, but not dull or dark. A nice matte finish that seemed to brighten the room and make it appear slightly bigger than it is. There were various neon signs on the wall, and drawings of classic cars and landscapes, all signed with a simple rose signature.

He couldn't help but admire the skill of the artist.

He waited for a few minutes, alternating between gnawing on the hoop through his lip, to running his long fingers through his hair that lay flat against his forehead.

He stopped styling it almost a year before, wanting a more mature look than the quiffed style he used to adorn.

His nerves were bubbling at this point. He was growing nervous at the idea of a permanent mark on his body, and at the level of pain it would cause.

Eventually, his frustration got the better of him and he slammed his palm on the small bell that rested on the counter top.

With haste, a tall dark skin girl made her way towards him from a hallway that led to the back of the store.

Marianne took a moment to survey the man in front of her, and she found herself wondering if the pissed off expression on his beautiful face was permanent, or one he chose to adopt in her fathers store.

"How may I help you?" She fixed him with a warm smile, waiting as his gaze trailed the length of her body with a teasing glance.

If he wasn't so full of nerves and annoyance, Luke would have tried to shoot his shot with the tall girl. For now, he simply wanted to get his tattoo and figure out a way to get rid of the guilt that was eating away at him.

"I have an appointment for 1, Luke Hemmings," his words were harsh and straight to the point. He didn't want to wait any longer than he already had, considering it was 5 minutes to 1.

"Ahh, the bird boy," she smirked and his brows furrowed deeper than that already were. "You ever had a tattoo before?"

He shook his head no, watching as she pulled a juice box from a fridge behind the counter and handed him a cookie.

"Eat and drink, reduces the risk of fainting from any pain. Rosie loves a virgin, but we don't need one passing out on her. I'll be with you soon," she took her leave, strutting down the back hallway, and Luke didn't try to hide the way he gazed at her backside in her blue skinny jeans.

Marianne pushes open the green door to Audrey's room, a soft knock on the door to signal her entrance.

"What's up, Annie?" She asked, adjusting her mask on her chin so that it can be easily pulled up when she starts tattooing.

"Your 1 o'clock is here. A virgin," she winks at her friend, holding her arms out to her goddaughter who coos.

"Tell your dad I said thank you for watching her," she tests her gun again, ensuring it is plugged in correctly. "If Jer was doing alright then I wouldn't need to bring her with me-"

Marianne tuts, cutting Audrey off, "nonsense! You know how much daddy and I love having this little squirt around!" She tickles the little girls stomach softly, laughing as she squeals in excitement. "I'll send him in for you."

"Thank you, love you!" Audrey calls after her friend, who leaves after gathering the toys for her toddler.

The blue haired girl busies herself with inspecting the sketch she finished printing for her client.

She was a perfectionist if ever she'd seen one, and considering her work is a permanent scar on a person, she was determined to make it as perfect as she could get it.

The door opens softly, and she hears Marianne instruct the man to take a seat on the chair.

"I'll get you to have a look at the design before I put ink to skin. Where did you want it?" She asks with her back towards the client.

She knew it was rude, but she wanted to quadruple check that everything was fine, as she pulled her mask up properly.

She shed her jacket, and Luke noticed the familiar tattoos on her upper arm.

"Uh, inner bicep," he answered, and Audrey couldn't pick at the moment where she had heard the voice from before.

"No worries! Lay back on the chair, take your shirt off if you need and put your arm out horizontally," she turned towards the client, her eyes still running over the hummingbird design.

Luke's eyes zeroed in on the familiar tattoos decorating the collarbones if the blue haired girl, and the guilt flared in his stomach again.

"Audrey?" He gaped. He didn't know what she did for a living, but he would have never guessed the young mother to work as a tattoo artist at Michael's favourite parlor.

"You," she whispered, anger and stress boiling in her throat again.

"Me," he answered, mimicking their conversation from that morning.

She immediately went into artist/client mode, leaving no room for personal conversation.

She handed him the design, not meeting his icy blue eyes.

"Given our personal history you can request somebody else to be your artist, although they will most likely draw up a new design. We tend to prefer our own work as it is easier to ink," her voice is quiet, and anybody could tell that she is nervous around the man.

He knew what he had to do to make the guilt go away. He wasn't doing it for her, he was doing it for himself. And maybe for her daughter. But mainly to halt the guilt making him sick to his stomach.

He had to draw his eyes away from the immaculate work he held in his hands. She had exceptional skill, and he found himself directing a bit of inward respect to the girl.

He cleared his throat as his eyes met her downcast ones, "Look, Aubrey-"

"Audrey," she corrected softly.

"Right, Audrey. What I said earlier, it was rude and I am so sorry about it," lies, he knew it. "And I would really like it if you and the kid took Ashton's old room."

He sounded skeptical, anybody could tell so he was intrigued to see how she would react to his unconvinced tone.

She quirked a brow at him, her mouth hidden by the light blue mask. "What? You're not going to be a dick about it now?"

He sent her a dirty look, setting his jaw, "no. I'm not going to be a dick about it. I shouldn't have been so rude. If anybody deserves somewhere new to love, it's you."

She was confused. She didn't know whether or not to trust the man who had previously proven, on multiple occasions, to be an asshole.

"I'll, um, I'll think about it," he nodded at her words. "Want to start the tattoo?"

He nodded softly, making sure to brush any remaining cookie from his face, "I love the design".

"Okay." She said softly, applying the transfer to his arm and loading her needles with ink. "if it hurts, please don't scream. I hate when clients do that."

He nodded curtly, clenching his teeth together when the burning sensation trailed through the skin of his bicep.

She was unsure about how to take Luke's words. He hadn't shown in any of the interactions they had had to be any kind of a nice guy, so she wondered what the ulterior motives were behind his actions.

He was a confusing man, and while she was interested to get to know more about him, she also needed to decide if she could stomach living with him and subjecting her daughter to a living environment with the difficult man.

As the needles got closer to his armpit, he let out a hiss of air like a balloon being let down and a string of curses left his lips as the burning intensified.

Audrey couldn't deny that she was grinning behind her mask.

"Wait, whose Rosie?" He asked through a clenched jaw.

[colsonbakerdaily]

Kells in Prague

So, I was debating whether or not make a personal post about seeing Machine Gun Kelly in Prague. But, after actually seeing the man live, I really felt the need to document it, if not just for you guys, also for myself.

I don’t even really know how to begin... probably with before the concert when I thought I’d be going solo. That was until @echelonwonderland messaged saying I could join her and her friends, which was awesome considering I had never really been to a concert with people who were as much of a fan as I was. We met in the line at around 2pm and began a damn war of attrition (tbh the whole experience was) since there weren’t many toilets close by ( I didn’t pee for almost 10 hours...)

Rook came out to do a little bit of Candy on a barrel before the show (video to follow). He’s as adorable in person as I imagined him; not sure if that’s the look he’s going for but he really fucking is! 😂 We waited outside for 5 hours, our feet were aching, it was freezing by the time 7pm rolled around and we were really fucking bored.

But it was all worth it; by the time the doors opened and we raced inside, we got to the stage and were just one person behind the barrier. We still had 2 hours and 30 mins before the man himself came and before then, we had to be subjected to not one, but TWO supporting acts. I can’t speak for everyone but they weren’t great: the first was a DJ and she started off pretty good but I think most people just wanted Kells by this point. The second supporting act (a Czech band I can’t remember the name of) nearly gave me bloody PTSD; they were pretty heavy and screaming/rapping in Czech. I was at a disadvantage since I didn’t understand the language but I just remember thinking “holy fuck they are so angry.” 🙈 Apparently my face was a picture; this emoticon O_o would be the most accurate I’d say.

Finally the nightmare ended and it was another 30 minutes of waiting. The chanting began, the crowd were getting restless waiting for Kells and I was pretty much shitting myself to see him right in front of me and so close. 9:30 hits and the lights go down and it begins. Kells came out of the elevator like he was God himself and I’ll be honest, he may as well have been. From the moment he began to sing, he captivated everyone. Okay, well, I can’t say everyone but he captivated me. His first 5 minutes on that stage was enough for me to know I had made the right decision to go to Prague to see him live.

I’m not going to lie to you, the first couple of songs were rough; the crowd were wild and pushing and shoving and despite loving the Kells was singing, I wasn’t enjoying getting thrown about like a ragdoll. Luckily, security were really on it and everything calmed down a little. Kells and Slim both stepped in at some point to make sure the mosh pit opened up. (Slim even gave the classic kindergarten count of 1-3: “I’m going to count to three and that mosh pit is going to open up!” I would know, I’m a kindergarten teacher 😂.) After that, it was so much easier to enjoy the concert without worrying about another possible near death experience.

He played nearly everything I was hoping he would ‘Let You Go’, ‘Glass House’, ‘Waste Love’ and ‘I think I’m OKAY’. Of course he played other classics like ‘Rap Devil’ and ‘Till I die’. Everything we would expect from, in my opinion, one of the most versatile artists out there. His stage charisma was perfection and he was totally ON IT with every performance. In true MGK fashion he would pause to light a joint up and then carry on with the next song.

Perhaps one of the highlights of the night was Kells bringing a guy up onto the stage who had a sign that said “I bet I can rap Alpha Omega better than you”. And of course he wouldn’t let anyone think THAT. So they played the song for the first time on tour and to give credit to the dude, he was pretty good and certainly didn’t make a fool of himself. Good on him; I would have dropped dead if he noticed me with a sign🙈. (I have a video of this moment).

Of course I can’t forget Rook’s moment to shine with Kells taking over on drums while Rook sang “Shout at the Devil”. As we all would assume, he did a great job and the crowd lovedddd it.

So I’m going fast forward to the end of the night... and the opening notes of one of my all time favourite songs; 27. I cried guys. And I’m not talking a cute couple of tears, I’m talking ugly, heaving ugly sobs crying. For the most part, it wasn’t picked up on the video but man, I was a mess. I couldn’t have imagined how good it would be live. I’m still struggling to comprehend it.

And that brings me to the conclusion of this post-turned-essay. There is so much more I could write about how amazing Kells was and how I don’t regret seeing him even for one moment. It was worth every second of the 8 hour wait, every blister on my bloody feet, ever muscle ache on my legs and back and of course, almost getting stomped to death on a couple of occasions. (And someone legit flattening me when they threw the guitar picks at the end of the show.)

If anyone is debating if they should go then I would say DO IT. You will not be disappointed. But I will say if you’re not a fan of being squashed for long periods of time, or being thrown about then maybe stay a little back out of the action because it’s tough. People were getting hauled over the barrier from nearly passing out or getting injured so be careful! Especially if you are a younger fan because lorddd your love will be tested with how crazy some people get. If you are close to the barrier then take the water the security guards offer you; it saved me. And my last piece of advice would be buy your merch BEFORE the show because it sold out and I got fuck all. I got a more permanent piece of merch so I wasn’t too upset but it was a bummer.

Yeah... this was only meant to be a couple of paragraphs but here I am writing a ridiculous amount once again. But I cannot condense this, I wanted to tell you all and try and help anyone who is on the fence about maybe trying to snatch up a ticket. It was worth every penny. Thanks to @echelonwonderland and her friend again for inviting me to join them; I know I’ve made friends for life!

E.S.T for life!! ❤️

[amwritingmeta]

JiB10

So, last year, for various reasons, I didn’t actually put down my experience of JiB, but are y’all ready to hear all about this year’s experiences and adventures? 

Well, in condensed form. I mean, what is this - LiveJournal? (okay yeah kinda is but no not going into excruciating detail here just the best bits) (the choice cuts, as it were) (watch me go full butcher) (it’ll be entertaining I swear) :P

So, firstly, I’m a panel rat. I fucking love those panels. All the panels. It’s mainly why I get the Angel Pass, because the seats are so good and I’m all about them good seats, yeah? 

I have friends who spend a whole lot of time in line for ops or for autos and I just… can’t… do that. Not when there’s talking happening and answering of questions and just that room being MAGIC, because the entire con feels so inclusive and filled with open-minded like-minded human beings who share in our love of this glorious show.

I started a JiB Log, but figured I’d get too distracted to actually update it regularly, because that’s what last year was like. When you’re not in a panel you’re either walking to grab something quick to eat (have to commend the little smoothie place at the airport, because they did good sandwiches and really good coffee at a reasonable price) or you’re heading to the hotel bar to get absolutely plast-… No, actually didn’t do that this year, so correction: or you’re heading to the hotel bar to see who’s there and catch up with people who have been to their ops and are still shaking with excitement. 

(you can also comment on the wonderful imagination of strangers in the ladies’ room when you see them shaking with excitement and are dressed up in bridal gowns) (okay there was one lovely dressed up as a bride so maybe plural is the wrong way to go but the sentiment holds true) (JiBers - you are so fucking awesome and I LOVE YOU ALL)

Okay, so wanna know the most basic things I’ve learned about how to JiB? I mean… if you don’t, then stop reading, I guess, because imma tell ya. #fairwarning

Bring Snacks (you won’t regret it) 

Bring Alcohol (you won’t regret it)

Good Footwear (you won’t regret it)

Clothes For Every Occasion (you may regret it if you overpack) (don’t overpack) (Google “packing tutorial by Jensen Ackles”) (worth it)

Choose Wisely (just general solid advice) (I mean, get your priorities straight) (panel rat or up close and personal kitty cat) (or both) (sidenote: I take it choosing to be both is quite stressful) (make sure that your stress sensors are up and that you don’t overdo it) (switching between rat and cat is bound to be internally messy) (okay that actually came out as not haha solid but actual solid advice so yeah) (be prepared that doing both is difficult!) (and having lots of ops and wanting to do all autos means probably missing a whole lot of panels for standing in line and waiting) (even the solo panels with the main players or - and I will question your sanity - the joint panels that close the weekend) (well not the very final panel) (nobody missed the J2M panel because all ops and autos had closed by then) (but yes prioritise wisely)

Be Open (because, no matter what, you are bound to meet someone you click with at this event) (most people) (actually every stranger I gave a throwaway comment to) (were so chill and happy to have a brief chat or share a moment with me) (so even if you’re traveling by yourself you are bound to feel embraced) *jazz hands rome magic*

Pinches of Salt (take everything you see and hear with healthy pinches of salt) (I briefly forgot about this on Monday morning and oh boy I could’ve saved myself a world of stupidity if I’d only remembered it yeah?)

MNC (get your sweet ass to the Monday Night Concert because both my years of JiBing it has been mind-blowing) (this year was better than last year honestly) (which I did not think could happen) (they are the bee’s bees and the bear’s bear) *throws all the love at them*

When it comes to impressions and memories made this particular trip, I feel like the whole week has been one long run of blessings. Sincerely, it’s been - oh what’s the word again? --> MAGIC. 

I’m not going to go through all the boring personal moments of Holy Fuck *jazz hands rome magic* but I will just say that I think I stepped out of passport control with the widest smile, and it barely left my face for the entire weekend. The panels were wonderful this year. I’m still on a high. No, seriously. It’s almost a week later and I haven’t been hit by the JiB blues yet, and perhaps I won’t this year.

*prays I land a pass for next year* *GAH* *the nail-biting begins*

Confession time? (…when in Rome)

Confession 1 — I have such a crush on Rob. I mean, I’ve had it for years, but time to make it official, I guess. He just seems like the sweetest, loveliest human being and watching him sing is like… watching the stars light in the sky. He is such an amazing singer and performer. He made me cry. He sang Fare Thee Well and he made me cry at the Monday Night Concert. 

*no I was NOT drunk* *though damn that G&T was strong* *oh btw the drinks in Rome are amazing and worth the money because extra alcoholic* *like damnnnnn* *just as an aside* *but also bring your own bourboun* *winks at @waywardliliana* *sup gurl?* *winks again* *winks some more* *can’t stop now* *licks lips* *yeah I know* *uncomfortable?* *licks lipssss againnnnn* *okay stopping now* *….or am I…….?*

:P

Confession 2 — The panel-watching truly is a huge amount of fun. This year there were a lot of things said that made me want to jump up and down in my seat, because it gives me a lot of hope for season fifteen and Jensen provided most of it on the Saturday, and then Jared was pretty much agreeing with Jensen’s assessments of how the brothers’ journeys should end on the Sunday, and I was like GAH! *happy* And then Misha throws in his belief that there needs to be a sacrifice and tragedy and we all went NO! Also his fear that this family of ours will disperse and we all went NOOO! :) Anyway, these are all stated observations, but the confession is this:

As much as I love spending time in a space that is occupied by some of my favourite human beings on this planet (oh but they are), what makes JiB so truly, deeply, personally special is meeting up with friends who otherwise live too far away to see on the regular. All of us convening in this one place to share in this one great love is like electricity through your veins. It’s like… well, it’s like going to a place of worship, and I think you know what I mean. When you’re in a room with a group of peope who’s energy jives with yours, then your energies align, and resonate, and then — MAGIC.

It’s magical. It’s fucking magical. *jazz hands*

Shoutout to everyone I managed to see this year who have not yet been lip-licked at in this post (or real life), whether it was much too brief (so many of you were much too brief) or whether we spent quality time, seeing you all really made the trip sparkle: 

@captainhaterade - who made such a fantastic and impromptu seat mate - thank you, Emily, for having me next to you for most of the weekend! :D 

@eriquin - Meghan, it was so lovely to meet you and I’m thrilled you and Emily both enjoyed your first con, very happy I got to be a part of it! :)

@trickster-angel - my dear Chiara, it took us a few tries, but we finally got to sit down in the Corner (if you get to go next year then I think this may be where we’re all just convene from now on) (*suggestion*) *nobody puts us in a corner except us!* :P So good to meet you!

@inacatastrophicmind - Mara! We met much, much too briefly, but I’m so, so glad we did! See you around tumblr, my friend, and hopefully at JiB11! :)

@misskittyspuffy - aw man, Aurelie, we kept missing each other and I really wanted to sit down and have a proper lunch or dinner, but at least you and--

@assbuttboyfriends - hey, Claire, my dear, at least you and Aurelie aren’t that far away, right? Come visit me in London, I tell ya! :D Otherwise, proper plan-making for next year. xx

@bold-sartorial-statement - a brief hello was still a good hello! Hope you enjoyed the con! xx

@jenmdixon - it was good to say hello to you, my dear, and really hope you enjoyed the con (and didn’t die under those lights because it got HOT) (no wonder the actors are fan-addicts) :) xx

@purgatory-jar - Elena, it was, as ever, fantastic to see you and I’m stoked I got to have a proper lunch with you this time around. You have always been and will always be one of my absolute favourite artists in this fandom and, by extension, anywhere. Already a star, girl!

Shoutout to @northern-sparrow - I was sorry that I missed you at the bar, but there’s always next year. Hope you enjoyed the con and thanks for asking The Perfect Question. :D xx

Finally, @godshipsit​ -- Alessia, my friend, you are this calm, welcoming, very dear part of Rome and JiB for me (last year you supported me so much just by being there) and you are simply brilliant! *all the prettiest flowers at your door*

And to my two felines who are tumblring, but not very often: Laura and Steph, you wonderfuls! Thanks for all the laughs!!

*I now proceed to throw love at you all*

Confession 3 — I have a Favourite Moose. Nope, it’s not who you think it is. (girl, I almost put the hashtag on here but in the current climate) (I think I’d just better not) (especially since I wanna tag you) (hey, Moose!) (hey @natmoose!) (yes you!) (Nat-Blue!) :) #theconversationalists 

Now, the highlights from this years con are too numerous for me to write them all down, really, but here’s a taster:

Ricky Whittle (the man is a genius comedian)

Rob talking about how his fandom experience has changed since he, for the first time, is seeing comments like “I hate your face” (the way he says “I hate your face”) (*giggle*) (also it’s such a question of tone because most of those “I hate your face”s are probably said with loads of love) (because Chuck going ultimate big bad toxic masculinity representative is fucking BRILLIANT) *love to hate his face* 

Matt telling the airplane story

Alex reenacting different parts of the airplane story

Alex choosing Jasmine from Aladdin to put a spin on and making the twist that he’ll rob the wishes from Aladdin like -->

Alex: *sings* I can show you the world *interrupts* I’m just like yo, just give me these wishes. Don’t mess with me. How about this? I’ll show myself the world, okay?

I really, really very much like Alexander Calvert, okay?

Briana being distracted by herself on the stage monitor (she’s gorgeous and she knows it and is also open about how it costs her a lot of money and time and effort and how that’s not for everyone and real beauty runs so much deeper) (which is why she is the most gorgeous woman)

Jared telling us all to shut up during his Sunday morning solo panel (and basically all of his time on stage, but especially this half an hour of stage time, because my GOD he was in such a good mood)

Misha

Jensen going off on a minor rant about Game of Thrones S08E05 because yesssss

Jared doing that jump-and-a-skip at his panel with Misha

Jared’s panel with Misha

Jensen telling Misha he loves him and them hugging, only for Jensen to turn it into a joke and pretty effectively demonstrating how this is how they interact and they don’t mean anything by taking the piss out of each other because yesssss

sincerely, all the solo panels (especially Jensen’s, because he’s so sincere and open and honest about how seriously he takes his work and it’s gorgeous and inspiring and always has been and always will be and)

I mean, Jensen lying flat on his back on that stage and Misha saying You Sexy Bitch is very, very, very… overt. I side-eye. But with a whole lot of appreciation for the balls on those two. I’d venture that they know exactly what they’re doing, and I’ll forever wonder what the percentage is between performative and spur-of-the-moment. Sometimes I think you can tell, but… oh, they know what we like. Usually. :)

Jared bringing the dirty. I just love his filthy mind.

All of their filthy minds tbh. 

Singing Carry On My Wayward Son in the hallway after the final panel is just… one of the best parts, and this year they all came out and high fived and gave hugs and… it was special 

The Monday Night Concert surpassed last year’s and went on for nearly two hours and was deeply moving for many reasons and I wish to the good Heavens (…okay you know what I mean) that Jensen and Briana will record Shallow because I think their version beat the original (damn Briana’s voice is just… damn!) (and I can’t talk about Jensen singing please don’t make me talk about it) (…) (thank you)

Also Richard Speight Jr because Richard Speight Jr!!

Also just Jason Manns because Jason Manns!!

And The Four Cheese!!

See, there’s just tOO MuCH STuFF

<3

And now it’s over and I’m still hopped up on the adrenaline and the happiness and Jensen talking about spreading happiness (I believe it was either during the opening panel with he and Jared on the Saturday or his solo panel later that afternoon) made me feel light as a feather, because he’s right. A healthy dose of real happiness builds you up from the inside out and makes you believe you’re worth it. All of it, yeah? And that, whatever comes your way, you can handle it. Oh, it can be a struggle, but if you only dare to be open, then good things, my peeps. 

Good things do happen.

I hope to see you next year!!