#I cried while making this I feel so bad

[sysig]

How much of me is me? (Patreon)

[jenna-louise-jamie]

thinking about yassen gregorovich instead of sleeping (because i love him) and how he is a catalyst. yassen stabbs ash -> ash kills john rider -> ian rider raises alex -> yassen kills ian rider -> mi6 blackmails alex into becoming a teenage spy.

i have so many thoughts that i can't properly articulate. obviously this is a simplified chain of events, but yassen and his choices set off a chain reaction of the world's most unfortunate dominos. especially when you read russian roulette. to be clear im not necessarily trying to blame him for everything because that feels very mean. he was also just a 14 year old kid when everything in his life went wrong, just like alex. only difference being yassen literally had no one.

i think i should write an essay about this because i haven't even gotten into my thoughts about what yassen and alex's dynamic would look like past eagle strike. i would imagine it'd be similar to ellie and joel from the last of us part 2.

where obviously yassen loves alex and alex on some level cares for yassen back but struggles to reconcile that with the fact that yassen is responsible for his uncle's death. a very unforgivable act. it would be so messy and complicated and angsty, because on one hand here is an adult who truly cares about him and has a connection with him through his father. yassen could tell alex about john, and trust that yassen truly wants whats best for him. but he killed ian, and he cannot take that back.

while alex reels from those feelings, yassen is also trying to reconcile his love of alex with the knowledge that he on some level is responsible for the suffering alex endured at the hands of mi6. and possibly even the fact that alex's godfather is the one who killed john and helen.

[skunkes]

not an ask, but I saw ur post and relate a lot to it.

anticipatory grief sucks. people will tell you not to think about it, not to let it steal from today, but some days are just so hard. sometimes it feels unavoidable, like it’s some goliath mountain in the distance or even the sky and you can’t not look at it. it’s like you have to keep trying to distract yourself not to think about it, and it’s exhausting, and you’re so fucking scared of the inevitable.

like how does anyone even function? the idea of the world continuing to spin when there’s this terrible, horrible thing that will happen some day is unfathomable but it does, and it’s horrible. Some day will mark the before and the after. nobody can ever be ready for it.

I hope the love you have keeps you strong. wishing you the best.

this is literally it. i know thinking about it Now wont make the actual day it happens any easier. but it's impossible to not think about it, especially since there's no tangible way to preserve memories or feelings or the like forever. i cry easily and get emotional over most anything and everything, which is another layer of difficulty wrt it because I spiral. I want to squeeze out of my body. im not meant for any of it

[ociels]

i think i got very lucky with my parents :,)

[definitelynotshouting]

Can I ask, since you mentioned agreeing 'even if under duress' - how did the Watchers convince Player Grian to join them in hunger au?

So take this with the specific grain of salt that ive never watched Evo directly (but have friends who have ((thank you wren)), so i know tidbits via osmosis from them), but my thought has always been that the riddles the Watchers gave the Evo Players were all tests used to measure cleverness and intelligence-- the whole point of them attempting to copy the mind of a Player into a Watcher larva in the first place was to try and avoid the insanely high infant mortality rate their typical juveniles go through, bc they dont understand their own limits enough to even know they have them yet. So they needed a Player they knew they could instruct and who would listen to them, and, well. Grian, for all he was rebellious and outright defiant of the Watchers, still solved their puzzles and only had to be punished once before he stopped trying to mess with them

What ive always pictured is after the dragon fight the two main elders of the Watcher colony finally revealed themselves to Grian properly-- i have this crystal clear image of the two of them hovering above and next to the central end island, looming over Grian, and like, these guys are big. HUGE. A good 5x bigger than the ender dragon itself, at LEAST. It would be hard not to feel insanely intimidated by that, honestly, especially when there are two of them side by side, blocking your entire view of the End from that direction.

Anyway picture that with the context of these two giant floating winged worms youve never seen before, who have demonstrated their powerful ability to manipulate code in a way you cant.... telling you that they have chosen you to become one of them. Thats an immense amount of pressure, both from flattery and fear, especially considering theyve punished you before for defying them. I like to think even then, Grian balked a bit, and while i dont have exact dialogue beats here, i know the Watchers continued putting that pressure on him (likely while leveraging his friendships too-- like ive always said, if Grian hadnt been chosen, BigB wouldve been, and i can absolutely see the Watchers offering to take him in Grian's stead) until he finally caved and accepted their "offer" of joining them.

Unfortunately, he didnt find out exactly what that entailed until it was far too late.

[guinevereslancelot]

decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy

[the-unofficial-village-idiot]

Still thinking about the scene where walt finds jesse in the crackhouse and tries to get him on his feet but jesse just starts sobbing so walt kneels there with him and holds him for a bit

[sskk-manifesto]

Ep 5!!!

[sunshinesalmon]

not a good day homies 😔

so uh. i got let go. from my job. lol

not because i did anything‚ my manager just said she thought the hospital was too big for me to keep up with and i was doing great but just not meeting expectations.

i’m a little frustrated because i really loved that place and thought i was doing well‚ and they only brought these concerns up to me last week‚ which gave me like two or three working days to try and improve with their feedback.

however the manager made it clear that its not my fault‚ it just wasn’t a good fit for my current level of experience‚ and she’s going to send my info to other clinics in the area‚ one of which i applied for today with the same position i just had‚ so i’m hopeful‚ but sad.

so yeah. even tho i know the manager has my back and she said if i need help or advice or a reccomendation or anything she’s totally up for it‚ its still stressful to essentially get fired‚ and i cried a lot after i left. and then ate a lot of potatoes.

i’m not sure how long it will take to get a new job‚ so i’m probably going to apply for unemployment benefits in the meantime‚ and i’ll just keep volunteering at the shelter.

i just feel really tired and not good in my tummy‚ and i’m mostly sad that i won’t see my boy jonny the clinic cat anymore‚ and i’m anxious about telling my parents what happened‚ even thoigh i know they’ll still have my back‚ too.

anyways. back to job hunting i guess. yippee.

[bonemeal12]

finished Mercury Falling. what do I do. what do I do. what do I do. what do I do.

[cosmogyros]

.

[thecherrygod]

I'm so fucking tired I already think the holidays are Bad why does everything around me make them Worse

[skunkes]

,

[kunikidas-lost-glasses]

Sigchuuzai headcanon - Sigma having scars on his neck

TWs: Major Spoilers for Sigma’s backstory, mentions of slavery, description of injuries

Takes place in my BSD Fix-It AU (post-DoA arc). Sigma is a member of the ADA here and lives together with Chuuya and Dazai in an apartment. 

The main reason why Sigma wears turtleneck sweaters is so he can hide the scars which go all around his throat. 

The scars are from the time where he was kept as a slave at the organization which captured him in the desert and who used him for his ability. Back then was always wearing a heavy and tight shackle/metal collar around his neck which left his skin bruised and scarred. 

When Fyodor told Nikolai to get rid of it after Fyodor took Sigma into the Decay of Angels, the skin underneath the metal had been irritated, red and bloody and there where the edges of the collar had been, the skin was bruised and had little cuts due to the metal being uneven and with sharp edges. 

While the irritations and the bruises would disappear slowly after weeks, the cuts and bloody areas became scars. 

They are very faint and one would probably only see them if they focused explicitly on his neck but for them, they will always point out. Whenever they wear something which isn’t covering their throat, they will feel as if the scars would be the first thing everyone would see when looking at them. Like they would be some colorful sign used for advertisement which blinks with obnoxiously bright lights. 

Even after he exchanged his old outfit for a new one after he joined the ADA, he kept wearing a turtleneck sweater.

Of course, Dazai noticed that no matter which outfit Sigma would wear, his throat would be covered with something. A turtleneck sweater, a scarf, even in summer Sigma would find ways to cover his neck in a stylish way. 

He would never ask about it though, not wanting to make his partner uncomfortable or make them feel pressured to tell him. If Sigma wanted to tell him, he would be there but Sigma should come to him out of his own will, when he felt ready and comfortable. 

Chuuya did the same. He too wouldn’t confront Sigma about it but in secret, he and Dazai were a bit worried about them. 

Of course Dazai thought about possible answers to Sigma always covering his throat but he never did some research about the others' past. He knew a bit about it from what Fyodor told him when they both had been at Meursault but he didn’t know in depth details or what happened in this year before Fyodor found Sigma.

Even after work, when Sigma was alone with Chuuya and Dazai at their shared apartment, he would still always cover his throat. To bed, he would usually wear a kerchief, praying that neither Dazai nor Chuuya would ask him about it. 

During their first night together at the apartment, Chuuya did in fact ask Sigma if he was feeling well and Dazai asked him if he felt sick or had a sore throat but after Sigma told them that this wasn’t the case, the other two simply exchanged a glance and never asked about it again. 

It stayed like this for months until one evening, Dazai accidentally saw Sigma without his neck covered. 

He forgot to knock before entering their bedroom despite the door being closed due to being way too caught up in thought.

He was startled out of his thoughts when the pillow which Sigma threw hit his face

He quickly apologized and left the room as quickly as he came but he actually didn’t even look at Sigma’s neck. Out of reflex he looked away as quick as he could and didn’t even think about stealing a glance out of curiosity. 

However when Sigma came to him into the living room and sat down next to him on the couch where Dazai had been waiting until he could go into their bedroom to change a few minutes later, Sigma seemed incredibly nervous and when he asked Dazai if he saw “them”, he wouldn’t stop unconsciously  picking at his fingers. 

Dazai was completely caught off guard and gently took his partner's hands into his, asking what he meant. 

He was already ready for Sigma standing up, hitting him with “nothing” and quickly walking away, telling him to forget it but instead of doing so, Sigma would take a shaky breath, pointing at his neck which was uncovered. 

That Sigma had scars on his neck was one of the possibilities which Dazai considered but seeing that this really was the case, made Dazai’s heart sink a bit. 

He just replied that he didn’t see them but he also thanked him for showing them to him, since he remembered that this was what Chuuya said when Dazai showed him his scars for the first time. 

Sigma just nodded.

There was a long, heavy and awkward silence between them afterwards. Dazai didn’t dare to ask them the story behind the scars and Sigma didn’t dare to say anything, anxious thoughts filling up his mind. 

However, Dazai wouldn’t let go of the other’s cold and shaky hands, gently caressing the back of them with his thumbs and squeezing them reassuringly. 

Sigma was the one to break the silence, telling Dazai about the organization, the slavery, his time in the desert, the metal collar, what they made him do and everything else.

His voice was shaky and sometimes his voice would crack while his eyes were filled with tears.

Dazai listened to him quietly, holding his hands.

He didn’t show it, but hearing about what happened and what they did to him, made him feel more anger than he felt for months.

After Sigma finished telling him, Dazai quietly thanked him for telling him all of this.

Afterwards there was a short silence before Dazai pulled Sigma into a tight hug, which Sigma quickly returned.

They clinged to Dazai as if their life would depend on him as they couldn’t hold the tears back anymore

Dazai held them, burying his face in the crook of Sigma’s neck, telling them that they didn’t deserve all of this but also telling them that they stilled looked beautiful with the scars visible and he reassured him that he loved him (and Chuuya) more than anything in the whole world.

He also thanked him once again for the trust to tell him about it.��

He let Sigma cry as much as they needed to, not letting go of them.

Sigma felt as if a whole mountain got lifted off his heart. He had never talked about this with anyone and showed his scars to nobody and even if he knew that there had been no reason to feel that way, he had been scared of the reaction of Dazai and Chuuya. Now that at least one of them knew about it and after being able to finally talk about it with someone dear to him, it genuinely  felt as if tons of weight were lifted off his heart. 

He apologized to Dazai between his sobs, telling him that he had wanted to tell him and Chuuya about it much earlier but that he had been scared to do so. 

Dazai quickly shushed him, replying that everything was alright and that that wasn’t something he should feel sorry about and that he didn’t need to apologize for which Sigma thanked him and hugged Dazai even tighter if that was even possible. 

They sat there for quite some time like that, holding each other and Dazai letting Sigma cry it all out until Chuuya suddenly came into the living room. 

The redhead had been at work until evening and when he came home, he immediately noticed that something was wrong

When he found Sigma and Dazai in the living room like that, he felt his heart squeeze in his chest, quickly going to them, asking what happened, his voice thick with worry. 

Sigma flinched upon hearing Chuuya’s voice, not having noticed that he came home and entered the living room already but relaxed quickly again. 

Dazai just looked up to his partner with a small smile, greeting him and telling him that everything is alright again. 

Sigma then looked up too, pointing at his throat and telling Chuuya that they’ve been talking about those. 

Upon seeing the scars, Chuuya showed more openly his small shock and worry before sitting down next to his partners.

Sigma then proceeded to tell him everything he told Dazai too and while it was still hard for him to do so, it was much easier this time. He also apologized to him too but Chuuya told him the same as Dazai did. 

He then thanked Sigma too for their trust and for telling him before pulling them in a hug. 

Chuuya too had teary eyes after hearing what happened. 

He not only told Sigma how much he loved him but he also mumbled that he will find the people who did this to him and that he will make them suffer just as much as they made him suffer. 

Sigma looked at him a bit shocked but before he could say anything, Dazai pulled Chuuya back into a hug, telling him that he didn’t have to do that and Sigma quickly joined their hug, thanking Chuuya and telling him that he genuinely appreciated it but that he really didn’t needed to do it. 

For the rest of the evening they sat curled up together on the couch, not watching TV but just enjoying being in each other’s presence and Chuuya told Sigma quietly how beautiful he looked, making Sigma blush before telling Chuuya that he looked even more beautiful.

Dazai then proceeded to whine, telling them that he felt left out, making them both laugh before kissing Dazai which made him blush in a dark shade of red as well as stop working for a second.

Ever since that day, Sigma would only cover his neck during work and when they would go out but not at their apartment anymore.

Only during bad days where he felt more insecure again or when he couldn’t stand seeing the scars since they would always remind him about what happened he would cover them up with something. 

Dazai and Chuuya both told him that while his scars remind him of this awful time, they are also a reminder and a proof that he managed to escape and that he survived it, that it’s over now and that he’s safe now and it makes him feel a bit better.

Chuuya showed him his pencil scar the very same day where he told them about his scars, telling him the history behind it. 

Sigma might have cried a bit again, making Chuuya feel bad which made Sigma feel bad so they ended up hugging each other.

When Sigma feels bad about his scars again, Dazai or Chuuya (depending on who’s with him) sometimes kiss the scars lightly

They also sometimes do it during more intimate times.

To this day, it always makes Sigma feel better, safe and loved.

During the first time when Chuuya unexpectedly kissed Sigma’s scars, Sigma teared up a bit but not out of sadness or any other negative emotion. Simply because he felt so loved.

The only other person who know about the scars and their history is Ranpo because Ranpo is Ranpo and after a year in the ADA, Atsushi and Yosano know about it too since Yosano saw them while she treated Sigma after a mission and Atsushi knows it since Sigma trusted him enough to tell him about it. 

Only like 2 years later, he finally stopped covering his throat all the time, feeling more and more secure in his body and in the ADA. 

Chuuya and Dazai still want to make the members of the organization suffer. 

[aromanticannibal]

The pattern is that people straight up do not read™. or they read a 3-5 tweet summary of what happened and treat it as if they did. or because shonen expectations based on "the classics" is bullshit and significantly rotted people's brains when deciding wether an ending is good or not.

Which could be nothing right

yeahhh. i will forever regret reading the last chapter through leaks because it was a dreadful experience, and watching everyone ever shit on it for like a week after genuinely made me want to just get off the internet forever or something because i felt like an idiot for liking the ending (all this is my fault for getting too invested in both tumblr and mha etc etc).

All the "it's rushed" and pacing complaints barely matter to me at this point because you just cannot feel the pacing of something correctly when you're reading it exclusively through leaks. you can't absorb info like that. And don't get me started on the number of complaints and criticisms I've seen of the last chapter that are just provably bullshit (I saw someone say Izuku didn't get a statue lmao. yes he did, you just read the fucking leaks and watched twitter drama unfold instead of reading the actual chapter i fear).

[l0rd-0f-c0ws]

I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun